The Best of Benny Hill (1974) - full transcript

A collection of sketches and musical numbers from his long running comedy/variety series, culled from shows produced and originally aired between 1969 and 1972; this film's production is more along the lines of Ten from Your Show of Shows (1973) than of And Now for Something Completely Different (1971).


And now, ladies and gentlemen,
we present our tribute...

to The Lower Tidmarsh Hospital Sevice.

Goodbye.

- You open wide your window, dear...

Sorry, mister.

Mervyn, ah, how long have you been
in show business?

Ever since I was 17.
8 years.

- 8 years?
- Nearly 8 years.

And what position are you holding at the moment?

I'm so like upright, but relaxed, like you said.

- No, I ... I meant - in show business.
- Oh, my God, a chorus boy.

- Ah ... I beg your pardon?
- I am a chorus boy.

- And how did you start?
- Well, you see, it all started for me in darling Bournemouth,

when, unbeknownst to myself...

my then fiancee took a snapshot of me...

while I was at the water's edge...

having a paddle.

She sent the snap-up to the Town Hall,

the next thing I knew, I've been entered
for the "Nobel in knees" contest.

Well, I didn't want let my fiancee down,
so I went through with it...

I can't tell you how I thoughts ??? to that then
in front of all these ogling women,

with my kneecaps ... completely naked.

After the competition, which incidentally I won,

there was a party, and that was my downfall.

Yes, I tasted the sweet life.

I tasted the dolce vita
of Boscombe and Poole.

Is there any truth that the woman
has set her mind to cheating in
the "Nobel in knees" contest.

It's the shame to have to tell you this,
but ... some of the men wear falsies.

- Falsies?
- Flesh coloured plastic kneecaps.

Top of the station, hour before every competition
a nurse goes with hammer, ??? (ram ??? of hammer)

tapping them and testing them.

I can't tell you how embarassing it is if the mold drops off.

It will be like a cattle market.

It's no wonder I joined the men's liberation movement.

You did work well and you firmed yourself in several touring places.

- Have you ever played leads?
- Yes I did, in Manchester and Birmingham.

Oh yes, ha, I was well a hell-raiser in those days.

They used to call us the rat pack.

Not just me.
There was Athene Seyler,

Edith Evans,

Kathleen Harrison,
Robert Morley.

All are drinkers, you know.

Eh ... After the show they and I've been going
to "The Queen's Arms" then.

Mannings ??? and I ... I've downed
as many as 7 pints of shandy, straight off.

You lived Life with a big L.

And sometimes I suffered pain.
With a big P/pee.

Like when I ... when I've met
this terrible agent.

She was my staging producer.

She said I've never had a surprise party.
I've got a surprise when I've got an item,
I can tell you.

Carrying on like that was disgraceful.

It's like a film about ... Gomorra

and another place, you know.

A tower of Babel there was.
Full of beatniks,

with long sideboards, full of drink.

That I mean: the side ... that sideboards,
they were full of drink.

Somebody man was just despaired.

I'll tell you, there ... I'll tell you, there were witches there.
They were practicing witchcraft.

Not just lady. Witches that men-witches,
that men-witches there.

- Warlocks.
- It's true, I tell you.

They wa ... They was men-witches there.

- Warlocks, male witches.
- Oh, I see that, yes.

Well, they said to me ...

They said "She's waiting for you in your den",
so of course I went straight in.

Well, you've really taken an awful chance.
I mean you're really ... very attractive.

I know.

I thought I'll be all right, as everyone said she was a Lebanese.

When I've got in there and she was all
dressed up in this like leather gear, you know,

and she said here: "Put that on" and she
give me a Russian army officer's uniform,

give me copy of "TV Time" and said: "Whip me with it".

- She was a masochist.
- What, she is spoke fluent English.

Well, I come out of there,
they was like witch-people,
they was all like stood around, you know,

and they said they was go carry a symbolic sacrifice,

they was going go out and get an 18 year old virgin.

- Where was this?
- Chelsea.

As what I thought, some ouch, you know.

Anyway, then they all stayed looking at me.

- And what steps did you take?
- Bloody long, was I.

I was after then mighty shock. ???

What plans have you for the future?

Well, I hope to get into a nice show with an decent people.

I belong with this part in "Oh Calcutta", you see.

- "Oh Calcutta"?
- Yes, well, it will be full of Indians, you know. ???

And I've seen them on the television in
the documentaries, when they bath in the Ganges,

they don't even take their night shirts off,
so there won't be any nudes ???
to recognize them, you know.

- Mervyn Craddy, thank you.
- That's all right.

Do you really find me attractive?

Claude was a pennyless actor.

Pierre was a rich banker.

Also Fifi married Pierre...

...and installed Claude as their butler.

But when this did not work,
Claude returned as a chauffeur.

And when this failed,
Claude returned as the gardener.

But when he turned up as the maid,
his troubles really started.

But when a new maid arrived,
and he was obliged to share a room with her,

it was almost too much for him.

But when he found out he had to share a bed with her,

it really was too much for him.

And so Fifi remained faithful to her husband.

After all, better an old husband...

...than a lover, who is a nervous wreck.
... Next part.

But soft, my love is here.

My goddess there doth seat.

Oh, that sweet face,
oh, those gentle arms...

...in whose enfolding
I would die a thousand deaths.

Soft, she speaks.

Forgotten a bloody line of that text?

Hello, Madge.

I was so busy these days.
I want you to have a look at my hands.

You have a two best of hands, dear.
Not that they look like that, they are.

- Well, so I was washing up.
- Oh, you ought to try Balmolive, my dear.

-That's washing up liquid?
- It's what your hands are in now.
- Oh!

Oh, yes.
Oh, Balmolive is especially mild.
And there is none gentler.

Oh, Balmolive will keep your hands
lovely and soft.

- Oh!
- Hoy, haven't you seen my glue?
- There.

Goodness! Madge!

Honestly, Johnny so bloody rough, that brute.

- Ah, we're having a taste test.
And ...

One of these contains
SPUDDO instant mashed potato,

and the other one on the slab
contains home made potato.

And we want to know which one you like best.

This one.

You bleeding well would put ...

This was my wife. Tired, listless,

just a part-time wife.

Then a friend's suggested Benovite.

In next to no time she was a new woman,

lively, vivacious, full of energy,

full of fun and (???) of vigor.

And it's all thanks to Benovite.

MARGARINE "Stück" (also "Packed margarine") COMES TO MUNICH

Can you find the difference?

That's what we're finding here in Munich.

Nine out of ten women can't find the difference

between "Stück" and butter.
Test the taste.

I'll challenge 200 marks if you can
distinguish "Stück" from butter.

- Want to try?
- Yes.
- Let's go inside.

200 marks, will you?

Where is my wife?

Ilsa! Where were you?

I was in the caravan with this man.

Look, 200 marks for 2 minutes!

- But I am your husband!

Yes, and his wife can tell the difference!

This is "Stück".

18 months ago Edith Clackett worked for Thames TV.

A year ago she left to draw
in Tele Monte Carlo.

And just 6 weeks ago she became
the 5th Viscountess d'Argent.

Ah, we have got a little trouble with Eurovision link.

In anyway, she has my numbered questions,

so we should be all right.

Do you still get the TV cards?

What's it like being married to
a 70 year old viscount?

Well, I don't get it as often as used to.

I ... I used to look forward to Thursday mornings

for the postman's visit, but when
I do getting, I think of you, Alan,

and all of my friends from the Thames Television.
Happy days they were.

I believe your favorite wedding present was a French poodle.

He is nearly 75 years old,
but he still manages.

A little tennis and golf, he is in it quite active, you know.

I saw a flash of you dining with
the French President Monsieur Pompidou.

Eh, what sort of person is he?

Well, he's got the stubborn habits,
but he's clean about the house,

and that's something noticeable, isn't it?
Ah-Ha-Ha.

They tell me, that from your villa
there's nothing but vineyards,

full of green, as far as the eye can see.

- Eh, how many acres have you?
- Yes.

A perfect gentleman.

- Do you hope to have children?
- Probably 12 or 15 hundred.

Mostly white ones but one or two black ones.

Yes. They say the black ones fill up the bottles quicker.

Whether that's true or not, I don't know,
but I do prefer red wine. Oh, it's hell! Ha-Ha.

It's a very 2 years it's I was down that there.

Yes, well, we've just up to wait and see you will do it.

It's a long time since I saw you in the flesh.

Alan, you would not recognize the old place now.

There is a motor way that's

going right from the tips of the Alps

right the way down to the Massif Central.

There's still one or two out of the way places,
but it's full of tourists now there.

Pardon. Pardon. Mademoiselle?

Coupez! Coupez, on entend rien!
(Cut! Cut, it's impossible
to understand anything!)

Mais c'est pas ma faute, c'est la faute
de Thames Television, mademoiselle!
(But it is not my fault, it is
the fault of Thames TV, mademoiselle!)

Cut.

Good evening.

My guests this evening are Jeremy Renuing, MP,

whom you last met in a party political programs.

Is this a political (talk ???) ?
I didn't know.

And our first speaker, Britain's first lady of fashion, Marie Quint.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Well, I won't keep you waiting any long.
- Keep going then.

These news have already shaken Europe.
It has rocked the whole western world.

I ... I did tell you it already in 1962,
that it was going to happen,
and now it has.

Yes,

- Stripes are back.
- Great!

- And not only for us girls,
but also for the boys, oh yes.
- Oh, yeah.

Green, heliotrope, crimson and blue,
magenta and primrose.

This year men are going
to be gayer than ever.

- You're kidding! Oh, yes.

And, men, your wives are going
to be more feminine than ever.

Wouldn't ... Wouldn't you ...

Wouldn't you men like to see your wives
in something long and flowing?

- Yes, in the river!
- Mr. ...

As I have said you before, there will be changes, mate.

Maxis out for example, ponchos in.

Lucky ponchos.

- But you men with an eye for beauty,
- What is it about? (???)

will be pleased to know that
the miniskirt is definitely staying with us.

Only this year it's going to be minier than ever!

This year ... Along with thousands of other girls,

- I shall be wearing my microminiskirt.
- You going to be showing your knickers again?

- Oh yes, and see-through blouses a back.
- Oh, you're kidding at that.

I to be putting my own
at the first opportunity.

You will be showing it all,
it is the game, true? (???)

Cut. Get him out of here.

- Can I go wee now?
- Yes, you can go wee now.
- Wee!

In my garden of love

Now there’s a rose for the way
my spirits rose when we met.

A forget-me-not to remind me to remember not to forget.

A pine tree for the way I pined over you.

And an ash for the day I ashked (asked) you to be true.

And the sun and the rain fell from up above

And landed on the earth below
in my garden of love.

Now there’s a beetroot for the day
you said that you’d be trued to me.

A sweet pea for the sweet way
you always used to smile at me.

But you had friends who needed you.
There was Ferdy, there was Liza.

So, just for them, I put down a load of fertiliser.

And the sun and the rain fell from up above.

And landed on the earth below
in my garden of love.

Oh, Gus the gardener’s left now,
and you went with him, too.

The fungus here reminds me
of the fun Gus is having with you.

The rockery’s a mockery,
with weeds it’s overgrown.

The fuchsia’s gone, I couldn’t face the future all alone.

And my tears fell like raindrops from the sky above.

And poisoned all the flowers in my garden of love.

Good night,

mother of six.

Good night, father of one.

("Bu, Bu" - "Drunk, Drunk " - ???)- pseudo French)
("Des bas baisse!" - "Stockings down!" - ???)
("Jean bon triste" - "Jean is very upset" - ???)

("Ne coucher pas le pouf" -
"Don't sleep on the pouffe" or
"Don't overturn the pouffe" - ???)

Is it as four of the films to come from
the founder of the french avant-garde cinema

director Pierre De Terre.
- Bonsoir. Bonsoir. (Good evening)

- Delighted to see you here. (approximately)
- Thank you very much.

For me, the best thing you've ever done,

perhaps most moving thing
I've ever seen in the cinema,

is that moment in "Lovable Enfants". ("En face" is actually said)

This 22 year old girl, who for so long
lived in this fantasy world,

suddenly throught the death of a pet tortoise,

have to face up to reality.

Suddenly you change from colour to black
and white, right unto the end of the film.

A masterstroke showing start of reality.

No, no, you don't understand,
the change from colour to black and white

because we run out of colour film.

You see, we have no more colour film,
we have no money to buy another colour film,

so use available in stock, black and white, that's right.

Yes, but ...

The urgency you implied in the story, so
simply giving almost a documentary effect,

you're using a handheld camera.

No, no, no, no, we use handheld
because we don't have,

how you call it, tripod, tripod, to put on top.

This is a cameraman hit on the head
the makeup man with a tripod and broke it.

He broke the tripod, not the head.
And we have no ... no ... So we hold it in hand.

This girl, who had this grand of this savoir-faire...

so very nearly perfect,
yet you gave her a lisp.

Show that even the most perfect of those ...

No, no, no, I don't give her a lisp.

She have a lisp.

The actress who played the part
have always this, always.
Lisp.

Yeah, always.

Searched all over France for an actress
with a lisp. That's dedication.

No, I don't search for her.
She was discovered actually by the producer,

who was living with her at the time.
He says she in so opportunity.

I think the best part of the film,
it was in a restaurant.

She looked up to him and said:
"Je peux (should be veux?) le moule manière!"

- "I want a life in a grand manner."
- No, no, no, no. She says:

"Je peux (should be veux?) le moules marinières!"
"I would like mussel soup."

Very significant.

And then, at the end of the film, and she
sits alone in the palm waste of the Camargue,

and little dog ran up to her.

That said it all: "It's a dog's life."

- How do you getting to do that?
- I don't geting to do.

I don't know whose is the dog.

I mean if I knew whose is the dog,
I kill him, because the dog put the leg
upon the camera,you know.

And all the working is very rusty and ... terrible.
I don't know,

I could kill whose is the dog.

Thank you, Pierre De Terre.

When things don't turn up right,
I know I'll be all right.

I just keep ... sunshine ...

- Oh, it's a beautiful night, isn't it.
- It's no half as you are.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

- I do not think I've seen you on the boat before.
- No, I spend most of my time in ...

- You've must to be very lonely in there.
- I was rather.

You know I saw you this morning
walking on the top deck.

Now, I couldn't have noticing
you had a very very beautiful

behind.

I had it for quite some time.
They've made it for me in Crete.

- They don't make them like that nowadays.
- Do you have a nice cabin?

Unfortunately no.
I couldn't get one with a bathroom.

Now so I'm getting a bit fed up having to ...

out of porthole.

- Especially on a cold nights.
- You know you are really very ...

pathetic.

Thank you.

Oh, I say, I get it.

Ha-ha, hello...

It's lovely.

Oh, it's very influential person.

His mother is Edward Heath.

- It sounds quite a woman.
- Oh, she is.

I say, eh, I'm most awfully sorry.

How dare you!
I''ll call the steward.

- How about your song, Roger?
- Yeah, how about it, sir.

Oh no, you don't want to hear me.

Tiptoe through the tulips.

But only if Jenny will ... with me.

I'd love to.

Tiptoe ...

(By the window,) that is where I'll be.

Come tiptoe through the tulips,

through, through the tulips with me.

Indeed.

- In the flowers we'll stray
- Will kiss.

Talk showers away.

And if I kiss you in the garden,

through the tulips with me.

Good show.

I thought it was lousy.

Oh, you can ...

yourself!

Purser, that's him over there.

Excuse me, sir.
Ticket!

- Very well, I...
- Second class.

- Oh, no.
- I'm afraid so, madam.

I must ask you to leave this
first class room immediately, sir.

- Very well.
- Is it true?

- Are you really a second class passenger?
- I most terribly sorry. Do forgive me. I'll go.

Is it true?

- Are you really a second class passenger?
- I most terribly sorry. Do forgive me. I'll go.

Is it true?

- Are you really a second class passenger?
- I most terribly sorry. Do forgive me. I'll go.

Is it true?

- Are you really a second class passenger?
- I most terribly sorry. Do forgive me. I'll go.

- Oh, no, how did you sort it ot, Nick?
- I knew there was something funny from the start.

- That man is somebody from another deck.
- Yes, probably you are right.

Jenny, darling, what're doing down here?

- I changed my ticket for second class fund.
- Oh, darling!

I am terribly sorry about that, sir.
I had no idea you were the owner.

- The owner?
- Oh yes, madam.

Mr. Roger's... ship to wherever the place.

- Darling ...
- Oh, Jenny!

Look still lovely, don't you?

That's him, this man is being
annoying all the lady passengers.

Oh, so it's you.
So you're that fantom crawler.
Why, I ...

- Dirty filthy beast.
- It's a lie, I tell you. It's ...

No...

you...

swine.

- Take him a-low and put him in up.
- It's not me, I tell you. It's not true.

Take him. (unintelligible)

-Did he ... ? And what? ... When will we be married?
- Be married? Oh, darling...

(unintelligible)

I've reached the age of 14 and
I hadn't started courting and
my mummy's getting worried about me.

She says daddy: "Start you talking him
all about the birds and beeses".

He says: "The birds and beeses" and he sat me on his knee.
He says: "Remember old uncle Joe

and that picnic that all we go and
he was off in the woods with auntie Pat?"

"And when I was chased old Riley's daughter
and what happened when I caught?"
And I said "yes".

"It was what birds and bees does that."

Dad works very hard indeed.
What, he got ten kids to feed.

What, ten and seven ninths, to be precise.

And we all wear hand-me-downs.
And as I am the youngest

and the others are all girls it's ain't very nice.

Dad says: "It's time for you go wed".
I says: "I'd rather drop dead".
Then he says:

There we have old Maud from my ??? Down.
I says: "Maud? Not bloody likely".

"She been out with all the chaps in old place."
"It was likely is really quite a little town".

He says: "You got to get a wife."
"You can't go on enjoying life or"

"folks will think you're strange and start refrain???."
I says: "You know, look, why should I buy a book"

"when there is a thriving lending library in the town?"

One day I'll find a friend, that by Badgers Inn.

Little pigeon fell down at my feet.
Its feathers was flecked in red and

at first I thought it's dead,
and I now ... I felt his little heart still beat.

I ... I cupped him in my hands
and I ran up to my mummy

and she said: "Son, I am as proud of you as I can be."

"You are thoughtful, and you are kind,
and you got a gentle mind and "

"you'll do a treat for your old father's tea."

I says: "You shall not touch my bird."

And without another word,
I took him in my room and
I shut the door and I bathed him,

warmed him and I nursed him,
that do well, of course, you see,
I have not really had a friend before.

I taught him do old tricks,
like playing dead and picking up sticks

And the village girls, they brought birds in every day.

"Dad, you can't come in and check, or my birdie will fly out",

because I let the village girls old style.

Would a-reason Mabel from the stable, (???)
and Mary from the dairy.

We had a visit from our beauty queen.

And that great big Betty Mavery
and she got on her an avery, (probably from "avis" - bird)

Oh, she got the biggest parakeets,
I've ever seen.

Dad says: "You are a-let him go."

The mom, she says: "Oh no, you does
want a-get some shooting practicing."

But the Vicar says:
"My son, you really isn't done
and a-lock up a wild thing, oh, that's a sin."

One morning, and it was all still,
I took him up to Badgers Hill.

I lost the only little friend I had that day.

Not a word I say,
I just kissed his little head,

and I opened my hands and I watched him fly away.

He circled up and around and then
he sat up on the ground and then
he flied straight up into the sky,

and then I looked and I could see,
he was flying back to me.

And then he swooped and then
he pooped right in my eye.

I thought: "That's bloody rude."

I called: "That's gratitude!"

I hope they never cross
a pigeon with a cow.

And dad says: "Here, this is a caper."
I told him: "Give me a paper."

I says: "Dummy, dummy. More of this way going down."

Dad says: "I know you lost a friend,
but it's really not the end."

"You be married and have your
family of your own quite soon."
Well, I never said a word,

but you see, if that little bird
had lured 18 little ravers, oh, that's my reward.

So if anyone's got a spare cockatoo,

or, you know, crow they don't want,
I wil be very much obliged.
(unintelligible)

Left, left, left, right... (approximately)

step back, (approximately)

Left, left, left, right... (approximately)

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
a demonstration of unarmed combat.

Take 'em up!

Take 'em up!

Cut, cut, cut.

An exibition of acrobatics and ...

control.

He was your bishop for how long?

For more years than I care to remember.

But you know, he usually used to say to me:
"Never forget, Reverend,

hard cash doth not a soft heart make."

And you know, I never forgot that.

Thank you, Reverend Fairchief.

Never found out what the silly old twit meant to.

Ah, that stupid old thing.

The last time he was in this building,
he pinched my bum.

- He did it.
- Not that I blame him.
- Oh no, don't start.

As soon as it's all over I should pinch it myself.

Oh! You dirty thing!

Cut the sound!
The sound, cut over!

- What?
- What's happened.

Here he is, Tommy Tupper!

All ready!
Hello everyone!

What is a "mugwam?

A mugwam this is a bird which sits
on a fence with it's mug at the one side
and it's rump on the another.

That's another one. (???)

Did you ever hear of the actor, who was so conceited,

that he parked in L/lovers' L/lane by himself?

That's another one.

On the actress, the actress, who was ... was so dumb,

she could not (count) up to two
without taking off her blouse?

Out-and-out, ladies and gentlemen,

let's be serious for a moment,
because we could

I am falling for you tonight.

Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen,
we must be serious. This is a serious matter.

If ... if you met somebody,
who is a 107 years old,
I'm sure that you ...

you would ... you ... you would ...

have a lot of questions to ask him.
I am no different from anybode else.

I have a lot of questions to ask him.
Here he is, a 107 years old today,

Eric Moulton from Kimberley.

Well, these things do happen,
ladies and gentlemen.

If ...

If you ... if you met ...

If I told you that 3 goals were scored
today on a Lampton football field and that's
suppose ... you ... you ... was really surprise you,

But when I tell you that they was
scored by the vicar of Lampton,

I am sure you will be surprised.
He's come along here today ... tonight direct

from the ... the ... the changing room.
He's more than welcome, and here ... here is

The Reverend, Peter Wilby.

Peter ...

Peter...

Vicars ...

Vicars ... vicars playing football.
Whatever next?

Well ...

I ... I feel that we in the church should show
that we are just the same as everyone else.

I mean - that we are human.

I see.

Well ...

we all have our little differences. I mean ...

as in industry. But ... but I think
the important thing is to air

one's differences from time to time.

You know ...

- Bring them out in to you, pretty so to speak.
- Yes.

Enter.

- As for playing football ...
- Yes.
- Oh, well ...

- I often think that life ...
life is very much like a football game.
- Yes.

We all struggling to all the same goal.
I mean, we all want to show what
we're made of, don't we.

And, I've nothing to hide.
I like to be admired, like the next man.

Sure you do.

Well, vicar, you know, this is, this is really most ...
Your fly's undone.

What?

It's, I am saying , it is most interesting ...
but your fly's undone.

Well ...

so much for religion.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I am delighted that my next ...

my next, my next guest
my next guest...

has, has come from the West End of London.

He's one of the London's bigger's West End's stars,

I know you're going to make him very welcome.
Here he is ... Rodney Fairchild.

Rodney ... hello.

Have to be splendid of you to come along
and be my guest on the show.
Really am.

I am so thrilled you have been able
to find time to come along.

You have this ... You have a reputation
of being quite a ... quite a hellraiser.

Did you feel this reputation
is justified in any way?

Tha ... Tha ... That you have?

This a ... you know, a-being ... a-being
a hellraiser? Do you ... Do you feel any ...
anyway justified that at all?

It's a ... re ... reputation that you have?

No ...

Well, there you are.
Bless my soul ...

Oh, it's just sort of newspaper publicity.
The put labels on ... on people ...

You know ... labels.
They put label on you.

You know, it's sort of like publicity.
Which is that that publicity?
I suppose that's publicity, isn't it?

- It's publicity?
- Well, yes.

Oh well, honestly, you ... you ... me ...
quite surprised me at that.

You ... eh, tell me, eh, eh, does that
worry you that this reputation

wrong and false maybe?
Does that worry you ... at all?

The ... the ... the reputation that you've got?
Does it ... does it ... does it worry you ...
in any way at all?

No, ye ...

Well, there you are.
Honestly, what a good talking that we've all made!

That's lovely to have you all on the show,
but, you know, we've got to move along...

Summoned to meet my last guest
to see you now. I know you will
make her very happy.

Here she is ... The very lovely West End star, Liza Moon.

- Oh, Liza, it's lovely ... lovely to have you here.
- Thank you.

Lovely to have you on ... on the show. It's a ...

What do you do, lady?
You still appear in ... in the West End?

Tell me, have you ... have you ever ... ever
worked together? Have you worked ... worked with ...

Have you ... have you worked to ... with Liza ...
to ... any ... any ... any your shows together?

Not ... not had the pleasure ... working.
Have you ... have you ...

ever ... ever ... ever worked with ... with ... with ...

Ro ... Ro ... Ro ... Rodney at all?
It's lovely having you all ... all here.

Really, it's absolutely splendid.

That's what a public wants: new faces.
One-in-a-row.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I can go on, eh ...

along talking and having fun here all night,

but unfortunately there ... there're clocks
on the walls, so it's only 42 minutes to go.

Anyway, folks, tune in again "List Hour" (???)
next week and ... and ... and ...

see ... "Crossroads".

Blackmore. This vast wasteland
of bogs and marshes

has over the last 17 years, claimed no few than ...

What's that in the road? A head?

Hold it.

I'm sorry.
Hold, hold for a second.

No, dear, no.
What's there in the road ahead?

This ... this is a tiny ... tiny bicycle.

Oh, my God, she'll be here
after the minute. Oh God!

Here we go then. Action!

Oh, Barnaby, I am just the happiest licking lady ...

- Oh, sorry, John.
- It's OK.

Keep running.
Right, take her out again.

Right, action.

Oh, Bodleyby, I am just the ...

Oh, I am so so sorry, John.

- Oh, that's OK. ...
- Just relax.

- OK, are you OK?
- Yes, I'm OK now.

Carry on. It'll be all right.

- Not tired?
- No!

Well, to go out, right.

Oh, Barnaby, I am just the happiest
little lady in the whole land.

- Do you love me?
- Oy ... Oy ...

That's plenty, George.
Right. Back.

Come back, George. Set that. That's lovely.
We close the panel. Splendid.

Right. Come to four. That's it.
Camera on the panel board.

Keep panning. That's splendid.

That's fine, Peter.

Peter, keep panning. Peter!

That's it. Hold on the trumpet player.

That's splendid. Hold on the trumpet player.

Peter ...

Do your beam to the trumpet. (???)

That's right. Splendid. Splendid.

Right. Now, do you see the two trophies there?

Zoom into the two trophies.

No, cut to one.
Cut to one.

Cut to two.

Cut to three.

Oh, pack it up. Hold it. Hold it.

- Uh, what's this thing called, love?
- Hold it, stop.

It's: "What is this thing, called love?"

This is what she's figured. (???)
But completely wrong. (???)

I've brought for you my picture.
I thought you might like see.

Hold it, George!

Fu...!

Ah, cuss me (excuse me), sir. (???)
Will you open it, please?

So sorry.
Nice bronde (blonde) rady (lady).

with big blisters.

- Port of embarkation?
- Pardon?

- Port of embarkation?
- No, no have a.

Have a rice roin.
Have a shaving rotion.

No have port or embrocation. No have.

- You've just arrived, sir?
- I've got a fright.

- How did you get a fright?
- Bought a fright ticket.

- A flight.
- Yes.

- It was a miracle.
- Eh, what was a miracle?

- We ... we take off with a miracle.
- You took of from the miracle?

United Stashe of a miracle.

- America?
- Yes.

Broody treat.

- Are you staying here, sir or going over the seas?
- I have a right.

Yes, you have a right to go on overseas,
but I have a right to ask where.

- I have a right.
- You have a right?

No, you have a right.
I overwrite.

- Oh, Isle of Wight?
- Yes.

Stupid iriot.

- I hardly call that overseas.
- You tried looking there.

- Can you see this?
- Yes.

- Can you read it?
- No.

- Why not?
- Wrong way up.

Push, that way.

- You are Chinese?
- Oh, blother! (brother)

Damn mother of mine!

- Did you understand it?
- Do you understand me?

It's hardly the point.

- Is, eh, this all you have?
- Yes, of course.

Also ... also I have a usual interest for you.

One hundred year old egg.

One hundred year old. One hundred year.

- You don't seem to have much.
- No, I have my beliefs.

- Your beliefs. Ah yes, Buddha.
- No, no butter, no sugar, no teas.

You have my beliefs (briefs).
Always there.

Ah, I am sorry.
I have caused you such disarray.

Oh, this array, that array, who cares?

- One hundred year old egg.
- Oh, begad.

Immigration!

I'll be very very very soon, moment.

Hey, you been, eh, in the sun, cooking boy?

- Oh, you have been telling my colleague,
that you are going to the Isle of Wight?
- Yes.

- For a what purpose?
- Bleeding (breeding) cows.

You teddy's bear (tell me where).
I wish to know, why?

That is, that is why. I am going a-bleeding cows.

A bleeding cows.
Uh, you, risten, rook (listen, look - ???).

- I am go to, ah, Lily.
- Lily?

- I can go to Lille?
- Lille.

- Ligate Hallogate.
- Reigate and Harrogate.

Why you lepeat (repeat) everything?

Rike a broody pallot. (Like a bloody parrot.)

Alsho (Also) I know the falmer Blown.
He's angrier.

- Oh! Why is he angrier?
- Cause he rive (live) in East Angria.

- Oh! East Anglia.
- Oh! Yes!

- It's ... it's wits town.
- Yes!

- Yes what?
- It's wits town!

- Oh, Ipswich town.
- Oh ye ..., oh ye ...

Oh, crumbs.

How get you've know broody clums. (???)

Oh, I explain to you.
I go, you see, why work,

you see, my work,
I after find a farmer shootable.

- Oh, you'll work in pharmaceutical? Yeah.
- No, falmer shoo ... Why you don't listen?

You no got cotton off your ears? (???)

Rosh your rock hose hu...
(Perhaps "Wash your locked ears, nut." ???)

Look, I did find a farm. (???)
I take a bull to the cow ...

show her the bullock and make lot with a cow. (???)

- Oh, but sure that ... that is a job for the farmer.
- It has to be a bull.

I know that one day the cow become a mummy ...

so I wait.

- Why wait?
- For a heifer?

No for[h]ever.
Only for few months.

Wait ... Little tiny baby bull,
and another little baby bull,
and another little baby bul.

And more little baby bulls.
And more they grow.

And when I have them older,
then I sharter (charter) the chip (ship).

- Oh, you charter a chip?
- That's what I said, why you no listen? Look.

All time talking. Listen!

And then, when I got a chip
and they got all in it, (???)

I send to Hong Kong a lot of bull.

- No, you do not.
- Oh yes, I do!

- No, it's a lot of bollocks.
- You listen to me ...

You listen to me, cookie boy.
You gas mine a mouth in a minute. (???)

No, don't you get contraceptive with me.

Stamp on my passport.
Stamp on my passport, you stupid.

No my hand, you stupid idiot. (???)
Rogue, you! (???)

I have never been so insulted in my whole life!

That's your fault.
You do not get out enough.

Listen, there is two chips (things) ...
that we can't stand.
One is racial prejudice,

the other thing - bloody chintz (Chinese).

There is two things I can't stand ...

and you are both of them.

This egg one hundred year old.

Happy birthday to you.

It's time to say goodnight, my friends.

Time to call it a day.

Time to blow out the candle or as
my friend Shirley Bassey would say:

We burn a candle that both ends
for a flickings finely flung,

That's just to hear one last song that
gives us Gilbert O'Sullivan. (???)

Me mum puts me to bed
and kisses me to the head,

then she goes round and puts out all the fires.

And then me aunt Deevy sings me a lullaby,

I like it cause she sounds like Dorothy Squires.

I did it my way.

Oh, bother. (???)

And Moses said to Isaiah:
"My living's no milk and no honey."

He said: "Isaiah, come forth!",
and Isaiah came fifth.

And then he take off with his money.
It's all Greek to me, you know.

Hello everyone.
Here is a little song

about the girl who is going to see
her lover by the eucalyptus tree.

And when she walks there she sees a boy,
and he says: "Your lips are like red wine,

and I should like to sip them."

And she says: "You can not,
because I am going to meet
my lover by the eucalyptus tree."

A little further on she meets another boy,

and he says: "Your eyes are like
pools of clear crystal water."

"I should like to bathe in them".

And she says: "You can not,
because I am going to see
my lover by the eucalyptus tree."

A little further on she meets another boy,

And he says: "Your hair is like corn waving in the breeze".

"I should like to run barefoot through it."

And she says: "You can not,
because I am going to see
my lover by the eucalyptus tree."

And she gets to the eucalyptus
tree and a lover doesn't come.

Exact so.

I exact so, I am an ex so,
mini mini up a check sock so. (???)

Now here is a little song

about happy days of Christmas. (???)

January the first, January the second,
January the third, Jan ...

You'd rather have Moira? (Moira Anderson)
Who?

Should a body meet a body
coming through the rye.
( Robert Burns )

If you dare to touch my booby
I will black your eye.

I'll go back to Bonnie Scotland
Seek my holly ... It's two ... (???)

That is a two of Beverley sisters on the radioooo.

Just me and my shadow
(Music by Dave Dreyer, lyrics by Billy Rose)

All alone and feeling blue ...

Bye, everybody.
See you soon.

Subtitles by: Vitaly (vipo)
(Leningrad-Gush Dan).
Made mostly by hearing, but using also
other subtitles and published songs lyrics.
Editing program: "Subtitle Edit".

The list of sketches
00:00:40.200 Lower Tidmarsh Volunteer Hospital Sevice
00:08:41:00 Window
00:08:54,790 THE GRASS IS GREENER
00:14:25.880 Gaiety Follies
00:18:44.000 Forgotten text
00:19:10.000 Pretty legs
00:19:37.000 Balmolive
00:20:18.533 Taste Test
00:20:51.567 Benovite
00:21:14.758 Stück Margarine koms to München
00:22:10.565 Viscountess d'Argent
00:25:11.000 Boutique
00:28:09.391 After Dinner with Charlotte Fudge
00:30:20.233 The Messenger
00:35:02.731 My garden of love
00:37:32:500 Good night
00:37:48.500 Interview with French film director
00:41:08.023 Passengers of Love
00:46:19.000 Birds and beeses
00:50:47.826 Scuttle's keep fit brigade
00:55:16.000 Interview with Reverend Fairchief
00:55:42.211 Words of comfort
00:56:09.947 Ye Olde Wishing Well
00:57:10.000 TOMMY TUPPER in TUPPER-TIME
01:05:47.623 Blackmore
01:06:03.640 A head in the road
01:06:23.493 The life of Maurice Dribble from womb to tomb in 5 mins 46 secs
01:12:09.000 Doctor
01:12:16.939 Bride
01:13:11.787 Adjudicating Panel
01:14:17.000 What is this thing, called love
01:14:41.003 Picture
01:14:47.000 Chinaman
01:21:34.000 Pumping up
01:21:41.500 It's time to say goodnight

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
we present our tribute...

to The Lower Tidmarsh Hospital Sevice.

Goodbye.

- You open wide your window, dear...

Sorry, mister.

Mervyn, ah, how long have you been
in show business?

Ever since I was 17.
8 years.

- 8 years?
- Nearly 8 years.

And what position are you holding at the moment?

I'm so like upright, but relaxed, like you said.

- No, I ... I meant - in show business.
- Oh, my God, a chorus boy.

- Ah ... I beg your pardon?
- I am a chorus boy.

- And how did you start?
- Well, you see, it all started for me in darling Bournemouth,

when, unbeknownst to myself...

my then fiancee took a snapshot of me...

while I was at the water's edge...

having a paddle.

She sent the snap-up to the Town Hall,

the next thing I knew, I've been entered
for the "Nobel in knees" contest.

Well, I didn't want let my fiancee down,
so I went through with it...

I can't tell you how I thoughts ??? to that then
in front of all these ogling women,

with my kneecaps ... completely naked.

After the competition, which incidentally I won,

there was a party, and that was my downfall.

Yes, I tasted the sweet life.

I tasted the dolce vita
of Boscombe and Poole.

Is there any truth that the woman
has set her mind to cheating in
the "Nobel in knees" contest.

It's the shame to have to tell you this,
but ... some of the men wear falsies.

- Falsies?
- Flesh coloured plastic kneecaps.

Top of the station, hour before every competition
a nurse goes with hammer, ??? (ram ??? of hammer)

tapping them and testing them.

I can't tell you how embarassing it is if the mold drops off.

It will be like a cattle market.

It's no wonder I joined the men's liberation movement.

You did work well and you firmed yourself in several touring places.

- Have you ever played leads?
- Yes I did, in Manchester and Birmingham.

Oh yes, ha, I was well a hell-raiser in those days.

They used to call us the rat pack.

Not just me.
There was Athene Seyler,

Edith Evans,

Kathleen Harrison,
Robert Morley.

All are drinkers, you know.

Eh ... After the show they and I've been going
to "The Queen's Arms" then.

Mannings ??? and I ... I've downed
as many as 7 pints of shandy, straight off.

You lived Life with a big L.

And sometimes I suffered pain.
With a big P/pee.

Like when I ... when I've met
this terrible agent.

She was my staging producer.

She said I've never had a surprise party.
I've got a surprise when I've got an item,
I can tell you.

Carrying on like that was disgraceful.

It's like a film about ... Gomorra

and another place, you know.

A tower of Babel there was.
Full of beatniks,

with long sideboards, full of drink.

That I mean: the side ... that sideboards,
they were full of drink.

Somebody man was just despaired.

I'll tell you, there ... I'll tell you, there were witches there.
They were practicing witchcraft.

Not just lady. Witches that men-witches,
that men-witches there.

- Warlocks.
- It's true, I tell you.

They wa ... They was men-witches there.

- Warlocks, male witches.
- Oh, I see that, yes.

Well, they said to me ...

They said "She's waiting for you in your den",
so of course I went straight in.

Well, you've really taken an awful chance.
I mean you're really ... very attractive.

I know.

I thought I'll be all right, as everyone said she was a Lebanese.

When I've got in there and she was all
dressed up in this like leather gear, you know,

and she said here: "Put that on" and she
give me a Russian army officer's uniform,

give me copy of "TV Time" and said: "Whip me with it".

- She was a masochist.
- What, she is spoke fluent English.

Well, I come out of there,
they was like witch-people,
they was all like stood around, you know,

and they said they was go carry a symbolic sacrifice,

they was going go out and get an 18 year old virgin.

- Where was this?
- Chelsea.

As what I thought, some ouch, you know.

Anyway, then they all stayed looking at me.

- And what steps did you take?
- Bloody long, was I.

I was after then mighty shock. ???

What plans have you for the future?

Well, I hope to get into a nice show with an decent people.

I belong with this part in "Oh Calcutta", you see.

- "Oh Calcutta"?
- Yes, well, it will be full of Indians, you know. ???

And I've seen them on the television in
the documentaries, when they bath in the Ganges,

they don't even take their night shirts off,
so there won't be any nudes ???
to recognize them, you know.

- Mervyn Craddy, thank you.
- That's all right.

Do you really find me attractive?

Claude was a pennyless actor.

Pierre was a rich banker.

Also Fifi married Pierre...

...and installed Claude as their butler.

But when this did not work,
Claude returned as a chauffeur.

And when this failed,
Claude returned as the gardener.

But when he turned up as the maid,
his troubles really started.

But when a new maid arrived,
and he was obliged to share a room with her,

it was almost too much for him.

But when he found out he had to share a bed with her,

it really was too much for him.

And so Fifi remained faithful to her husband.

After all, better an old husband...

...than a lover, who is a nervous wreck.
... Next part.

But soft, my love is here.

My goddess there doth seat.

Oh, that sweet face,
oh, those gentle arms...

...in whose enfolding
I would die a thousand deaths.

Soft, she speaks.

Forgotten a bloody line of that text?

Hello, Madge.

I was so busy these days.
I want you to have a look at my hands.

You have a two best of hands, dear.
Not that they look like that, they are.

- Well, so I was washing up.
- Oh, you ought to try Balmolive, my dear.

-That's washing up liquid?
- It's what your hands are in now.
- Oh!

Oh, yes.
Oh, Balmolive is especially mild.
And there is none gentler.

Oh, Balmolive will keep your hands
lovely and soft.

- Oh!
- Hoy, haven't you seen my glue?
- There.

Goodness! Madge!

Honestly, Johnny so bloody rough, that brute.

- Ah, we're having a taste test.
And ...

One of these contains
SPUDDO instant mashed potato,

and the other one on the slab
contains home made potato.

And we want to know which one you like best.

This one.

You bleeding well would put ...

This was my wife. Tired, listless,

just a part-time wife.

Then a friend's suggested Benovite.

In next to no time she was a new woman,

lively, vivacious, full of energy,

full of fun and (???) of vigor.

And it's all thanks to Benovite.

MARGARINE "Stück" (also "Packed margarine") COMES TO MUNICH

Can you find the difference?

That's what we're finding here in Munich.

Nine out of ten women can't find the difference

between "Stück" and butter.
Test the taste.

I'll challenge 200 marks if you can
distinguish "Stück" from butter.

- Want to try?
- Yes.
- Let's go inside.

200 marks, will you?

Where is my wife?

Ilsa! Where were you?

I was in the caravan with this man.

Look, 200 marks for 2 minutes!

- But I am your husband!

Yes, and his wife can tell the difference!

This is "Stück".

18 months ago Edith Clackett worked for Thames TV.

A year ago she left to draw
in Tele Monte Carlo.

And just 6 weeks ago she became
the 5th Viscountess d'Argent.

Ah, we have got a little trouble with Eurovision link.

In anyway, she has my numbered questions,

so we should be all right.

Do you still get the TV cards?

What's it like being married to
a 70 year old viscount?

Well, I don't get it as often as used to.

I ... I used to look forward to Thursday mornings

for the postman's visit, but when
I do getting, I think of you, Alan,

and all of my friends from the Thames Television.
Happy days they were.

I believe your favorite wedding present was a French poodle.

He is nearly 75 years old,
but he still manages.

A little tennis and golf, he is in it quite active, you know.

I saw a flash of you dining with
the French President Monsieur Pompidou.

Eh, what sort of person is he?

Well, he's got the stubborn habits,
but he's clean about the house,

and that's something noticeable, isn't it?
Ah-Ha-Ha.

They tell me, that from your villa
there's nothing but vineyards,

full of green, as far as the eye can see.

- Eh, how many acres have you?
- Yes.

A perfect gentleman.

- Do you hope to have children?
- Probably 12 or 15 hundred.

Mostly white ones but one or two black ones.

Yes. They say the black ones fill up the bottles quicker.

Whether that's true or not, I don't know,
but I do prefer red wine. Oh, it's hell! Ha-Ha.

It's a very 2 years it's I was down that there.

Yes, well, we've just up to wait and see you will do it.

It's a long time since I saw you in the flesh.

Alan, you would not recognize the old place now.

There is a motor way that's

going right from the tips of the Alps

right the way down to the Massif Central.

There's still one or two out of the way places,
but it's full of tourists now there.

Pardon. Pardon. Mademoiselle?

Coupez! Coupez, on entend rien!
(Cut! Cut, it's impossible
to understand anything!)

Mais c'est pas ma faute, c'est la faute
de Thames Television, mademoiselle!
(But it is not my fault, it is
the fault of Thames TV, mademoiselle!)

Cut.

Good evening.

My guests this evening are Jeremy Renuing, MP,

whom you last met in a party political programs.

Is this a political (talk ???) ?
I didn't know.

And our first speaker, Britain's first lady of fashion, Marie Quint.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Well, I won't keep you waiting any long.
- Keep going then.

These news have already shaken Europe.
It has rocked the whole western world.

I ... I did tell you it already in 1962,
that it was going to happen,
and now it has.

Yes,

- Stripes are back.
- Great!

- And not only for us girls,
but also for the boys, oh yes.
- Oh, yeah.

Green, heliotrope, crimson and blue,
magenta and primrose.

This year men are going
to be gayer than ever.

- You're kidding! Oh, yes.

And, men, your wives are going
to be more feminine than ever.

Wouldn't ... Wouldn't you ...

Wouldn't you men like to see your wives
in something long and flowing?

- Yes, in the river!
- Mr. ...

As I have said you before, there will be changes, mate.

Maxis out for example, ponchos in.

Lucky ponchos.

- But you men with an eye for beauty,
- What is it about? (???)

will be pleased to know that
the miniskirt is definitely staying with us.

Only this year it's going to be minier than ever!

This year ... Along with thousands of other girls,

- I shall be wearing my microminiskirt.
- You going to be showing your knickers again?

- Oh yes, and see-through blouses a back.
- Oh, you're kidding at that.

I to be putting my own
at the first opportunity.

You will be showing it all,
it is the game, true? (???)

Cut. Get him out of here.

- Can I go wee now?
- Yes, you can go wee now.
- Wee!

In my garden of love

Now there’s a rose for the way
my spirits rose when we met.

A forget-me-not to remind me to remember not to forget.

A pine tree for the way I pined over you.

And an ash for the day I ashked (asked) you to be true.

And the sun and the rain fell from up above

And landed on the earth below
in my garden of love.

Now there’s a beetroot for the day
you said that you’d be trued to me.

A sweet pea for the sweet way
you always used to smile at me.

But you had friends who needed you.
There was Ferdy, there was Liza.

So, just for them, I put down a load of fertiliser.

And the sun and the rain fell from up above.

And landed on the earth below
in my garden of love.

Oh, Gus the gardener’s left now,
and you went with him, too.

The fungus here reminds me
of the fun Gus is having with you.

The rockery’s a mockery,
with weeds it’s overgrown.

The fuchsia’s gone, I couldn’t face the future all alone.

And my tears fell like raindrops from the sky above.

And poisoned all the flowers in my garden of love.

Good night,

mother of six.

Good night, father of one.

("Bu, Bu" - "Drunk, Drunk " - ???)- pseudo French)
("Des bas baisse!" - "Stockings down!" - ???)
("Jean bon triste" - "Jean is very upset" - ???)

("Ne coucher pas le pouf" -
"Don't sleep on the pouffe" or
"Don't overturn the pouffe" - ???)

Is it as four of the films to come from
the founder of the french avant-garde cinema

director Pierre De Terre.
- Bonsoir. Bonsoir. (Good evening)

- Delighted to see you here. (approximately)
- Thank you very much.

For me, the best thing you've ever done,

perhaps most moving thing
I've ever seen in the cinema,

is that moment in "Lovable Enfants". ("En face" is actually said)

This 22 year old girl, who for so long
lived in this fantasy world,

suddenly throught the death of a pet tortoise,

have to face up to reality.

Suddenly you change from colour to black
and white, right unto the end of the film.

A masterstroke showing start of reality.

No, no, you don't understand,
the change from colour to black and white

because we run out of colour film.

You see, we have no more colour film,
we have no money to buy another colour film,

so use available in stock, black and white, that's right.

Yes, but ...

The urgency you implied in the story, so
simply giving almost a documentary effect,

you're using a handheld camera.

No, no, no, no, we use handheld
because we don't have,

how you call it, tripod, tripod, to put on top.

This is a cameraman hit on the head
the makeup man with a tripod and broke it.

He broke the tripod, not the head.
And we have no ... no ... So we hold it in hand.

This girl, who had this grand of this savoir-faire...

so very nearly perfect,
yet you gave her a lisp.

Show that even the most perfect of those ...

No, no, no, I don't give her a lisp.

She have a lisp.

The actress who played the part
have always this, always.
Lisp.

Yeah, always.

Searched all over France for an actress
with a lisp. That's dedication.

No, I don't search for her.
She was discovered actually by the producer,

who was living with her at the time.
He says she in so opportunity.

I think the best part of the film,
it was in a restaurant.

She looked up to him and said:
"Je peux (should be veux?) le moule manière!"

- "I want a life in a grand manner."
- No, no, no, no. She says:

"Je peux (should be veux?) le moules marinières!"
"I would like mussel soup."

Very significant.

And then, at the end of the film, and she
sits alone in the palm waste of the Camargue,

and little dog ran up to her.

That said it all: "It's a dog's life."

- How do you getting to do that?
- I don't geting to do.

I don't know whose is the dog.

I mean if I knew whose is the dog,
I kill him, because the dog put the leg
upon the camera,you know.

And all the working is very rusty and ... terrible.
I don't know,

I could kill whose is the dog.

Thank you, Pierre De Terre.

When things don't turn up right,
I know I'll be all right.

I just keep ... sunshine ...

- Oh, it's a beautiful night, isn't it.
- It's no half as you are.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

- I do not think I've seen you on the boat before.
- No, I spend most of my time in ...

- You've must to be very lonely in there.
- I was rather.

You know I saw you this morning
walking on the top deck.

Now, I couldn't have noticing
you had a very very beautiful

behind.

I had it for quite some time.
They've made it for me in Crete.

- They don't make them like that nowadays.
- Do you have a nice cabin?

Unfortunately no.
I couldn't get one with a bathroom.

Now so I'm getting a bit fed up having to ...

out of porthole.

- Especially on a cold nights.
- You know you are really very ...

pathetic.

Thank you.

Oh, I say, I get it.

Ha-ha, hello...

It's lovely.

Oh, it's very influential person.

His mother is Edward Heath.

- It sounds quite a woman.
- Oh, she is.

I say, eh, I'm most awfully sorry.

How dare you!
I''ll call the steward.

- How about your song, Roger?
- Yeah, how about it, sir.

Oh no, you don't want to hear me.

Tiptoe through the tulips.

But only if Jenny will ... with me.

I'd love to.

Tiptoe ...

(By the window,) that is where I'll be.

Come tiptoe through the tulips,

through, through the tulips with me.

Indeed.

- In the flowers we'll stray
- Will kiss.

Talk showers away.

And if I kiss you in the garden,

through the tulips with me.

Good show.

I thought it was lousy.

Oh, you can ...

yourself!

Purser, that's him over there.

Excuse me, sir.
Ticket!

- Very well, I...
- Second class.

- Oh, no.
- I'm afraid so, madam.

I must ask you to leave this
first class room immediately, sir.

- Very well.
- Is it true?

- Are you really a second class passenger?
- I most terribly sorry. Do forgive me. I'll go.

Is it true?

- Are you really a second class passenger?
- I most terribly sorry. Do forgive me. I'll go.

Is it true?

- Are you really a second class passenger?
- I most terribly sorry. Do forgive me. I'll go.

Is it true?

- Are you really a second class passenger?
- I most terribly sorry. Do forgive me. I'll go.

- Oh, no, how did you sort it ot, Nick?
- I knew there was something funny from the start.

- That man is somebody from another deck.
- Yes, probably you are right.

Jenny, darling, what're doing down here?

- I changed my ticket for second class fund.
- Oh, darling!

I am terribly sorry about that, sir.
I had no idea you were the owner.

- The owner?
- Oh yes, madam.

Mr. Roger's... ship to wherever the place.

- Darling ...
- Oh, Jenny!

Look still lovely, don't you?

That's him, this man is being
annoying all the lady passengers.

Oh, so it's you.
So you're that fantom crawler.
Why, I ...

- Dirty filthy beast.
- It's a lie, I tell you. It's ...

No...

you...

swine.

- Take him a-low and put him in up.
- It's not me, I tell you. It's not true.

Take him. (unintelligible)

-Did he ... ? And what? ... When will we be married?
- Be married? Oh, darling...

(unintelligible)

I've reached the age of 14 and
I hadn't started courting and
my mummy's getting worried about me.

She says daddy: "Start you talking him
all about the birds and beeses".

He says: "The birds and beeses" and he sat me on his knee.
He says: "Remember old uncle Joe

and that picnic that all we go and
he was off in the woods with auntie Pat?"

"And when I was chased old Riley's daughter
and what happened when I caught?"
And I said "yes".

"It was what birds and bees does that."

Dad works very hard indeed.
What, he got ten kids to feed.

What, ten and seven ninths, to be precise.

And we all wear hand-me-downs.
And as I am the youngest

and the others are all girls it's ain't very nice.

Dad says: "It's time for you go wed".
I says: "I'd rather drop dead".
Then he says:

There we have old Maud from my ??? Down.
I says: "Maud? Not bloody likely".

"She been out with all the chaps in old place."
"It was likely is really quite a little town".

He says: "You got to get a wife."
"You can't go on enjoying life or"

"folks will think you're strange and start refrain???."
I says: "You know, look, why should I buy a book"

"when there is a thriving lending library in the town?"

One day I'll find a friend, that by Badgers Inn.

Little pigeon fell down at my feet.
Its feathers was flecked in red and

at first I thought it's dead,
and I now ... I felt his little heart still beat.

I ... I cupped him in my hands
and I ran up to my mummy

and she said: "Son, I am as proud of you as I can be."

"You are thoughtful, and you are kind,
and you got a gentle mind and "

"you'll do a treat for your old father's tea."

I says: "You shall not touch my bird."

And without another word,
I took him in my room and
I shut the door and I bathed him,

warmed him and I nursed him,
that do well, of course, you see,
I have not really had a friend before.

I taught him do old tricks,
like playing dead and picking up sticks

And the village girls, they brought birds in every day.

"Dad, you can't come in and check, or my birdie will fly out",

because I let the village girls old style.

Would a-reason Mabel from the stable, (???)
and Mary from the dairy.

We had a visit from our beauty queen.

And that great big Betty Mavery
and she got on her an avery, (probably from "avis" - bird)

Oh, she got the biggest parakeets,
I've ever seen.

Dad says: "You are a-let him go."

The mom, she says: "Oh no, you does
want a-get some shooting practicing."

But the Vicar says:
"My son, you really isn't done
and a-lock up a wild thing, oh, that's a sin."

One morning, and it was all still,
I took him up to Badgers Hill.

I lost the only little friend I had that day.

Not a word I say,
I just kissed his little head,

and I opened my hands and I watched him fly away.

He circled up and around and then
he sat up on the ground and then
he flied straight up into the sky,

and then I looked and I could see,
he was flying back to me.

And then he swooped and then
he pooped right in my eye.

I thought: "That's bloody rude."

I called: "That's gratitude!"

I hope they never cross
a pigeon with a cow.

And dad says: "Here, this is a caper."
I told him: "Give me a paper."

I says: "Dummy, dummy. More of this way going down."

Dad says: "I know you lost a friend,
but it's really not the end."

"You be married and have your
family of your own quite soon."
Well, I never said a word,

but you see, if that little bird
had lured 18 little ravers, oh, that's my reward.

So if anyone's got a spare cockatoo,

or, you know, crow they don't want,
I wil be very much obliged.
(unintelligible)

Left, left, left, right... (approximately)

step back, (approximately)

Left, left, left, right... (approximately)

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
a demonstration of unarmed combat.

Take 'em up!

Take 'em up!

Cut, cut, cut.

An exibition of acrobatics and ...

control.

He was your bishop for how long?

For more years than I care to remember.

But you know, he usually used to say to me:
"Never forget, Reverend,

hard cash doth not a soft heart make."

And you know, I never forgot that.

Thank you, Reverend Fairchief.

Never found out what the silly old twit meant to.

Ah, that stupid old thing.

The last time he was in this building,
he pinched my bum.

- He did it.
- Not that I blame him.
- Oh no, don't start.

As soon as it's all over I should pinch it myself.

Oh! You dirty thing!

Cut the sound!
The sound, cut over!

- What?
- What's happened.

Here he is, Tommy Tupper!

All ready!
Hello everyone!

What is a "mugwam?

A mugwam this is a bird which sits
on a fence with it's mug at the one side
and it's rump on the another.

That's another one. (???)

Did you ever hear of the actor, who was so conceited,

that he parked in L/lovers' L/lane by himself?

That's another one.

On the actress, the actress, who was ... was so dumb,

she could not (count) up to two
without taking off her blouse?

Out-and-out, ladies and gentlemen,

let's be serious for a moment,
because we could

I am falling for you tonight.

Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen,
we must be serious. This is a serious matter.

If ... if you met somebody,
who is a 107 years old,
I'm sure that you ...

you would ... you ... you would ...

have a lot of questions to ask him.
I am no different from anybode else.

I have a lot of questions to ask him.
Here he is, a 107 years old today,

Eric Moulton from Kimberley.

Well, these things do happen,
ladies and gentlemen.

If ...

If you ... if you met ...

If I told you that 3 goals were scored
today on a Lampton football field and that's
suppose ... you ... you ... was really surprise you,

But when I tell you that they was
scored by the vicar of Lampton,

I am sure you will be surprised.
He's come along here today ... tonight direct

from the ... the ... the changing room.
He's more than welcome, and here ... here is

The Reverend, Peter Wilby.

Peter ...

Peter...

Vicars ...

Vicars ... vicars playing football.
Whatever next?

Well ...

I ... I feel that we in the church should show
that we are just the same as everyone else.

I mean - that we are human.

I see.

Well ...

we all have our little differences. I mean ...

as in industry. But ... but I think
the important thing is to air

one's differences from time to time.

You know ...

- Bring them out in to you, pretty so to speak.
- Yes.

Enter.

- As for playing football ...
- Yes.
- Oh, well ...

- I often think that life ...
life is very much like a football game.
- Yes.

We all struggling to all the same goal.
I mean, we all want to show what
we're made of, don't we.

And, I've nothing to hide.
I like to be admired, like the next man.

Sure you do.

Well, vicar, you know, this is, this is really most ...
Your fly's undone.

What?

It's, I am saying , it is most interesting ...
but your fly's undone.

Well ...

so much for religion.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I am delighted that my next ...

my next, my next guest
my next guest...

has, has come from the West End of London.

He's one of the London's bigger's West End's stars,

I know you're going to make him very welcome.
Here he is ... Rodney Fairchild.

Rodney ... hello.

Have to be splendid of you to come along
and be my guest on the show.
Really am.

I am so thrilled you have been able
to find time to come along.

You have this ... You have a reputation
of being quite a ... quite a hellraiser.

Did you feel this reputation
is justified in any way?

Tha ... Tha ... That you have?

This a ... you know, a-being ... a-being
a hellraiser? Do you ... Do you feel any ...
anyway justified that at all?

It's a ... re ... reputation that you have?

No ...

Well, there you are.
Bless my soul ...

Oh, it's just sort of newspaper publicity.
The put labels on ... on people ...

You know ... labels.
They put label on you.

You know, it's sort of like publicity.
Which is that that publicity?
I suppose that's publicity, isn't it?

- It's publicity?
- Well, yes.

Oh well, honestly, you ... you ... me ...
quite surprised me at that.

You ... eh, tell me, eh, eh, does that
worry you that this reputation

wrong and false maybe?
Does that worry you ... at all?

The ... the ... the reputation that you've got?
Does it ... does it ... does it worry you ...
in any way at all?

No, ye ...

Well, there you are.
Honestly, what a good talking that we've all made!

That's lovely to have you all on the show,
but, you know, we've got to move along...

Summoned to meet my last guest
to see you now. I know you will
make her very happy.

Here she is ... The very lovely West End star, Liza Moon.

- Oh, Liza, it's lovely ... lovely to have you here.
- Thank you.

Lovely to have you on ... on the show. It's a ...

What do you do, lady?
You still appear in ... in the West End?

Tell me, have you ... have you ever ... ever
worked together? Have you worked ... worked with ...

Have you ... have you worked to ... with Liza ...
to ... any ... any ... any your shows together?

Not ... not had the pleasure ... working.
Have you ... have you ...

ever ... ever ... ever worked with ... with ... with ...

Ro ... Ro ... Ro ... Rodney at all?
It's lovely having you all ... all here.

Really, it's absolutely splendid.

That's what a public wants: new faces.
One-in-a-row.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I can go on, eh ...

along talking and having fun here all night,

but unfortunately there ... there're clocks
on the walls, so it's only 42 minutes to go.

Anyway, folks, tune in again "List Hour" (???)
next week and ... and ... and ...

see ... "Crossroads".

Blackmore. This vast wasteland
of bogs and marshes

has over the last 17 years, claimed no few than ...

What's that in the road? A head?

Hold it.

I'm sorry.
Hold, hold for a second.

No, dear, no.
What's there in the road ahead?

This ... this is a tiny ... tiny bicycle.

Oh, my God, she'll be here
after the minute. Oh God!

Here we go then. Action!

Oh, Barnaby, I am just the happiest licking lady ...

- Oh, sorry, John.
- It's OK.

Keep running.
Right, take her out again.

Right, action.

Oh, Bodleyby, I am just the ...

Oh, I am so so sorry, John.

- Oh, that's OK. ...
- Just relax.

- OK, are you OK?
- Yes, I'm OK now.

Carry on. It'll be all right.

- Not tired?
- No!

Well, to go out, right.

Oh, Barnaby, I am just the happiest
little lady in the whole land.

- Do you love me?
- Oy ... Oy ...

That's plenty, George.
Right. Back.

Come back, George. Set that. That's lovely.
We close the panel. Splendid.

Right. Come to four. That's it.
Camera on the panel board.

Keep panning. That's splendid.

That's fine, Peter.

Peter, keep panning. Peter!

That's it. Hold on the trumpet player.

That's splendid. Hold on the trumpet player.

Peter ...

Do your beam to the trumpet. (???)

That's right. Splendid. Splendid.

Right. Now, do you see the two trophies there?

Zoom into the two trophies.

No, cut to one.
Cut to one.

Cut to two.

Cut to three.

Oh, pack it up. Hold it. Hold it.

- Uh, what's this thing called, love?
- Hold it, stop.

It's: "What is this thing, called love?"

This is what she's figured. (???)
But completely wrong. (???)

I've brought for you my picture.
I thought you might like see.

Hold it, George!

Fu...!

Ah, cuss me (excuse me), sir. (???)
Will you open it, please?

So sorry.
Nice bronde (blonde) rady (lady).

with big blisters.

- Port of embarkation?
- Pardon?

- Port of embarkation?
- No, no have a.

Have a rice roin.
Have a shaving rotion.

No have port or embrocation. No have.

- You've just arrived, sir?
- I've got a fright.

- How did you get a fright?
- Bought a fright ticket.

- A flight.
- Yes.

- It was a miracle.
- Eh, what was a miracle?

- We ... we take off with a miracle.
- You took of from the miracle?

United Stashe of a miracle.

- America?
- Yes.

Broody treat.

- Are you staying here, sir or going over the seas?
- I have a right.

Yes, you have a right to go on overseas,
but I have a right to ask where.

- I have a right.
- You have a right?

No, you have a right.
I overwrite.

- Oh, Isle of Wight?
- Yes.

Stupid iriot.

- I hardly call that overseas.
- You tried looking there.

- Can you see this?
- Yes.

- Can you read it?
- No.

- Why not?
- Wrong way up.

Push, that way.

- You are Chinese?
- Oh, blother! (brother)

Damn mother of mine!

- Did you understand it?
- Do you understand me?

It's hardly the point.

- Is, eh, this all you have?
- Yes, of course.

Also ... also I have a usual interest for you.

One hundred year old egg.

One hundred year old. One hundred year.

- You don't seem to have much.
- No, I have my beliefs.

- Your beliefs. Ah yes, Buddha.
- No, no butter, no sugar, no teas.

You have my beliefs (briefs).
Always there.

Ah, I am sorry.
I have caused you such disarray.

Oh, this array, that array, who cares?

- One hundred year old egg.
- Oh, begad.

Immigration!

I'll be very very very soon, moment.

Hey, you been, eh, in the sun, cooking boy?

- Oh, you have been telling my colleague,
that you are going to the Isle of Wight?
- Yes.

- For a what purpose?
- Bleeding (breeding) cows.

You teddy's bear (tell me where).
I wish to know, why?

That is, that is why. I am going a-bleeding cows.

A bleeding cows.
Uh, you, risten, rook (listen, look - ???).

- I am go to, ah, Lily.
- Lily?

- I can go to Lille?
- Lille.

- Ligate Hallogate.
- Reigate and Harrogate.

Why you lepeat (repeat) everything?

Rike a broody pallot. (Like a bloody parrot.)

Alsho (Also) I know the falmer Blown.
He's angrier.

- Oh! Why is he angrier?
- Cause he rive (live) in East Angria.

- Oh! East Anglia.
- Oh! Yes!

- It's ... it's wits town.
- Yes!

- Yes what?
- It's wits town!

- Oh, Ipswich town.
- Oh ye ..., oh ye ...

Oh, crumbs.

How get you've know broody clums. (???)

Oh, I explain to you.
I go, you see, why work,

you see, my work,
I after find a farmer shootable.

- Oh, you'll work in pharmaceutical? Yeah.
- No, falmer shoo ... Why you don't listen?

You no got cotton off your ears? (???)

Rosh your rock hose hu...
(Perhaps "Wash your locked ears, nut." ???)

Look, I did find a farm. (???)
I take a bull to the cow ...

show her the bullock and make lot with a cow. (???)

- Oh, but sure that ... that is a job for the farmer.
- It has to be a bull.

I know that one day the cow become a mummy ...

so I wait.

- Why wait?
- For a heifer?

No for[h]ever.
Only for few months.

Wait ... Little tiny baby bull,
and another little baby bull,
and another little baby bul.

And more little baby bulls.
And more they grow.

And when I have them older,
then I sharter (charter) the chip (ship).

- Oh, you charter a chip?
- That's what I said, why you no listen? Look.

All time talking. Listen!

And then, when I got a chip
and they got all in it, (???)

I send to Hong Kong a lot of bull.

- No, you do not.
- Oh yes, I do!

- No, it's a lot of bollocks.
- You listen to me ...

You listen to me, cookie boy.
You gas mine a mouth in a minute. (???)

No, don't you get contraceptive with me.

Stamp on my passport.
Stamp on my passport, you stupid.

No my hand, you stupid idiot. (???)
Rogue, you! (???)

I have never been so insulted in my whole life!

That's your fault.
You do not get out enough.

Listen, there is two chips (things) ...
that we can't stand.
One is racial prejudice,

the other thing - bloody chintz (Chinese).

There is two things I can't stand ...

and you are both of them.

This egg one hundred year old.

Happy birthday to you.

It's time to say goodnight, my friends.

Time to call it a day.

Time to blow out the candle or as
my friend Shirley Bassey would say:

We burn a candle that both ends
for a flickings finely flung,

That's just to hear one last song that
gives us Gilbert O'Sullivan. (???)

Me mum puts me to bed
and kisses me to the head,

then she goes round and puts out all the fires.

And then me aunt Deevy sings me a lullaby,

I like it cause she sounds like Dorothy Squires.

I did it my way.

Oh, bother. (???)

And Moses said to Isaiah:
"My living's no milk and no honey."

He said: "Isaiah, come forth!",
and Isaiah came fifth.

And then he take off with his money.
It's all Greek to me, you know.

Hello everyone.
Here is a little song

about the girl who is going to see
her lover by the eucalyptus tree.

And when she walks there she sees a boy,
and he says: "Your lips are like red wine,

and I should like to sip them."

And she says: "You can not,
because I am going to meet
my lover by the eucalyptus tree."

A little further on she meets another boy,

and he says: "Your eyes are like
pools of clear crystal water."

"I should like to bathe in them".

And she says: "You can not,
because I am going to see
my lover by the eucalyptus tree."

A little further on she meets another boy,

And he says: "Your hair is like corn waving in the breeze".

"I should like to run barefoot through it."

And she says: "You can not,
because I am going to see
my lover by the eucalyptus tree."

And she gets to the eucalyptus
tree and a lover doesn't come.

Exact so.

I exact so, I am an ex so,
mini mini up a check sock so. (???)

Now here is a little song

about happy days of Christmas. (???)

January the first, January the second,
January the third, Jan ...

You'd rather have Moira? (Moira Anderson)
Who?

Should a body meet a body
coming through the rye.
( Robert Burns )

If you dare to touch my booby
I will black your eye.

I'll go back to Bonnie Scotland
Seek my holly ... It's two ... (???)

That is a two of Beverley sisters on the radioooo.

Just me and my shadow
(Music by Dave Dreyer, lyrics by Billy Rose)

All alone and feeling blue ...

Bye, everybody.
See you soon.

Subtitles by: Vitaly (vipo)
(Leningrad-Gush Dan).
Made mostly by hearing, but using also
other subtitles and published songs lyrics.
Editing program: "Subtitle Edit".

The list of sketches
00:00:40.200 Lower Tidmarsh Volunteer Hospital Sevice
00:08:41:00 Window
00:08:54,790 THE GRASS IS GREENER
00:14:25.880 Gaiety Follies
00:18:44.000 Forgotten text
00:19:10.000 Pretty legs
00:19:37.000 Balmolive
00:20:18.533 Taste Test
00:20:51.567 Benovite
00:21:14.758 Stück Margarine koms to München
00:22:10.565 Viscountess d'Argent
00:25:11.000 Boutique
00:28:09.391 After Dinner with Charlotte Fudge
00:30:20.233 The Messenger
00:35:02.731 My garden of love
00:37:32:500 Good night
00:37:48.500 Interview with French film director
00:41:08.023 Passengers of Love
00:46:19.000 Birds and beeses
00:50:47.826 Scuttle's keep fit brigade
00:55:16.000 Interview with Reverend Fairchief
00:55:42.211 Words of comfort
00:56:09.947 Ye Olde Wishing Well
00:57:10.000 TOMMY TUPPER in TUPPER-TIME
01:05:47.623 Blackmore
01:06:03.640 A head in the road
01:06:23.493 The life of Maurice Dribble from womb to tomb in 5 mins 46 secs
01:12:09.000 Doctor
01:12:16.939 Bride
01:13:11.787 Adjudicating Panel
01:14:17.000 What is this thing, called love
01:14:41.003 Picture
01:14:47.000 Chinaman
01:21:34.000 Pumping up
01:21:41.500 It's time to say goodnight