The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (1982) - full transcript

Founded in 1910 just outside of the city limits of Gilbert located in Lanville County, Texas, the Chicken Ranch has for generations been known as the best little whorehouse in Texas for its wholesome fun, strict moral code, and cleanliness, all perpetuated by its original owner, Miss Wulla Jean. Seven years ago, Miss Wulla Jean died, leaving the Chicken Ranch to her favorite working girl, Miss Mona Stangley, who wants to keep the same traditions of Miss Wulla Jean. The Chicken Ranch has always had the unofficial blessing of the local authorities, who see the ranch providing an important community service, one which most in local authority have used at one time or another in their lives. In fact, Miss Mona and Lanville County Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd have been in a relationship for years, Ed Earl, who is Miss Mona's protector, albeit one with a hot temper and good ol' boy attitude that doesn't exactly match the needs of his law upholding position. That blessing may change when television personality and consumer watchdog, Melvin P. Thorpe, one of the most powerful men in the state, starts an on-air exposé of the illegal activities at the Chicken Ranch, the exposé which includes Ed Earl's role in letting it happen. Ed Earl and Miss Mona's relationship goes through some difficult times on how to deal with this issue, especially with the upcoming annual party night with the players following the Thanksgiving Day football game between the University of Texas and Texas A&M, this party which is arguably the Chicken Ranch's busiest night of the year, and one filled with tradition for the ranch and the participating schools. Will the Chicken Ranch be able to remain open especially in light of a spineless Governor who sways to the direction of polls, and will Ed Earl and Miss Mona's relationship be able to withstand the pressure?

It was the nicest
little whorehouse you ever saw.

It lay about a mile
outside the city limits,

so everybody
could feel real friendly.

Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace picked it out
for Miss Wulla Jean in 1910

and she moved there with her girls from
over the hardware store on Main Street

♪ Oh, the little house lay ♪

♪ In a green Texas glade ♪

♪ Where the trees
were as coolin' ♪

♪ As fresh lemonade ♪

♪ Soft summer wind ♪

♪ Had a trace of perfume ♪

♪ And a fan was turnin' ♪

♪ In every room ♪

♪ Twenty fans were turnin'
They were turnin' ♪

♪ Twenty fans were turnin'
in every room ♪

♪ Fevers were a-burnin'
They were burnin' ♪

♪ And they had to have a
way to cool down ♪

Right from the beginning,
the little house was kinda special,

like a home away from home.

Miss Wulla Jean put a pianola in the
parlor to sorta help break the ice.

A feller could ask a girl to dance or, if
he held back a little, she'd ask him.

And pretty soon they'd get a
little business goin'.

Two dollars' worth.


It wasn't long before
the place became one of

the better known pleasure
palaces in all of Texas.

So much so that the fellers who
visited during World War One...

sent their sons back
in World War Two.

The hospitality and friendliness
never changed,

and neither did Miss Wulla Jean's
strict set of rules.

She liked her ladies,
as she called 'em,

to treat her customers real good,
but never in an unladylike like way.

And she insisted that each girl check
her gentleman for the clap...

and wash him off
with soap and warm water.

Some of the fellers claimed that
that was the best part!


It was only during the Hoover depression...

that the little house had
a spell of tough times.

Miss Wulla Jean put in a
jukebox to spark up business.

But it wasn't always easy
in them days to come up with hard cash. just keep
that in the bag,

and I'll take it out back
as soon as we're finished.

So for a while,
as the story goes,

the girls began accepting
poultry in trade.

One bird, one lay

And that's how the place
got its name**

the Chicken Ranch.

Of course, if you grew up
any where in Texas,

you knew at an early age
they was sellin' somethin' out there,

and it wasn't poultry.

♪ Twenty fans were turnin'
They were turnin' ♪

♪ Twenty fans were turnin'
in every room ♪

♪ Fevers were a-burnin'
They were burnin' ♪

♪ And they had to have
a way to cool down ♪

♪ Twenty fans were hummin'
They were hummin' ♪

♪ Twenty fans were hummin'
in every room ♪

♪ Customers were comin'
They were comin' ♪

♪ And they had to have
a way to cool down ♪

♪ Bah, bah, ooh
Ooh ♪

♪ Bah, bah, ooh
Ooh ♪

♪ Bah, bah, ooh
Ooh ♪

♪ Bah, bah, ooh
Ooh ♪

♪ Twenty fans were turnin'
They were turnin' ♪

♪ Twenty fans were turnin'
in every room ♪

♪ Fevers were a-burnin'
They were burnin' ♪

♪ And they had to have
a way to cool down ♪

♪ Twenty fans were hummin'
They were hummin' ♪

♪ Twenty fans were hummin'
in every room ♪

♪ Customers were comin'
They were comin' ♪

♪ And they had to have
a way to cool down ♪

Y'all come back now,
you hear?

- Yah-hoo! - ♪ Twenty fans
were turnin' They were turnin' ♪

♪ Twenty fans were turnin' in every room,
fevers were a-burnin': they were burnin' ♪

♪ And they had to have
a way to cool down ♪

♪ Twenty fans were turnin'
They were turnin' ♪

♪ Twenty fans were turnin'
in every room. Fevers were a-burnin' ♪

♪ They were burnin'
And they had to have a way to cool down ♪

♪ Hallelujah
Hallelujah ♪

So, for over three generations,

the Chicken Ranch went
peacefully about its business,

while the people here
in Gilbert went about theirs.

That is, until about
seven years ago.

I was a deputy back then,

workin' for
Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd.

You wanted me to remind you
about your 2:00 appointment.

That was right after l had lost
the fried chicken franchise here in town,

while Ed Earl had been sheriff
ever since old Jack Roy Wallace retired

Everybody liked Ed Earl,
especially Ed Earl.

Course, he sure
did know his job,

and he was a big influence
on me,

taught me everything l know

He used to like to run
a quiet town...

with plenty of time off for socializin'
and coffee over at Dulcie Mae's cafe.

Oh, now and again
there'd be a problem,

Right in front of my car!
and we had some tough ones.

Like the time the mule
sat on Miss Modene's car.

He just buckled up
his legs and sat right down!

was really havin' a hissy fit,

but it didn't faze Ed Earl.

He just walked over to that
jackass and laid down the law

You see, Ed Earl always
believed in talkin' first

Cool reasonin': he used to tell me,
could solve any problem.

- Course he did have a bit of a temper.

Anyway.just about the time he became
sheriff, Miss Wulla Jean passed on.

She left the Chicken Ranch to her favorite
workin' girl, Mona Stangely

who saw the little house
as a Texas institution...

and aimed to keep it that way.

♪ It's just a ♪

♪ Little bitty pissant
country place ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' much
to see ♪

♪ No drinkin' allowed ♪

♪ We get a nice
quiet crowd ♪

♪ Plain as it can be ♪

♪ It's just
a piddly, squattin' ♪

♪ Old-time country place ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' too high-toned ♪

♪ Just lots of goodwill ♪

♪ And maybe one small thrill ♪

♪ But there's nothin' dirty
goin' on ♪

♪ Nothin' dirty goin' on ♪

♪ We get simple farmers
local businessmen ♪

♪ Congress folks from Austin,
Young boys lookin' for sin ♪

♪ Now, we used to get
a lot of roughnecks ♪

♪ When the oil boom was high ♪

♪ But payday'd
get a little rowdy ♪

♪ Thank God
the field run dry. ♪

♪ It's just a little bitty
pissant country place ♪

♪ Nothin' much to see ♪

♪ No drinkin' allowed
We get a nice, quiet crowd ♪

♪ Plain as it can be ♪

♪ It's just a piddly, squattin'
old-time country place ♪

♪ Nothin' too high-toned ♪

♪ Just lots of goodwill
and may be one small thrill ♪

♪ But there's nothin' dirty
goin' on ♪

♪ Keep your language clean
girls ♪

♪ Keep your bedrooms neat ♪

♪ And don't hang around
the town cafe ♪

♪ And say hi on the street ♪

♪ Mind your p's and q's
and manners ♪

♪ And you don't need
no other tools ♪

♪ 'Cause every girl that lives here
knows my special no-no rules ♪

♪ Yeah, every girl that lives here
knows Miss Mona's no-no rules ♪

- Ruby Rae, start 'em. - ♪ Beds
are not to be wallowed in ♪

♪ That's the kind of thing
that big, fat, lazy hogs do ♪

And it don't make money. Beatrice?
♪ And I won't tolerate ♪

♪ No tyin' up my telephone
with other people's business ♪

- Eloise, honey? - ♪ And
please don't show us no tattoos ♪

♪ No hearts and flowers
on your thigh ♪

It's down right tacky.
♪ Brands belong on cattle ♪

♪ And that ain't what we're
sellin' at Miss Mona's ♪

Do you catch my drift?

♪ I pay the food and the rent
and the utilities ♪

♪You keep your mind on
your work responsibilities ♪

♪ Don't let your mouth
over load your capabilities ♪

♪ And we can get along ♪

Dawn? ♪ Any bad habits you come
in with, get rid of right now ♪

Taddy Jo. ♪ I can't stand no chewin'
gum. It looks just like a cow ♪

Linda Lou. ♪ Anyone takin' sick leave
oughta be sure they're sick ♪

♪ And every time
you hear that bell ♪

♪ You better get
here double-quick ♪

♪ And as for pimps. Pimps
are somethin' you don't need ♪

♪ To get your daily business
done ♪

Are you listenin' good? ♪ Keep them
leeches and bloodsuckers ♪

♪ Off the back roads
I know how to use a gun ♪

♪ And nobody messes
with my girls ♪

♪ And any questions you might
have about the way I run this place ♪

♪ Don't gripe and whine
behind my back ♪

♪ Just tell me face-to-face
I'm open-minded ♪

♪ Say it all
Then go upstairs and pack ♪

♪ The door's that away ♪

♪ She pays the food and the rent
and the utilities ♪

♪ We keep our mind
on our work responsibilities ♪

♪ Don't let your mouth
over load your capabilities ♪

♪ And we can get along ♪

Well, howdy, boys.

It's good to see you.
Nice to meet you.

Come on over here.
I'd like you to meet my girls.

♪ It's just a ♪

♪ Little bitty pissant
country place ♪

♪ Nothin' much to see ♪

♪ No drinkin' allowed
We get a nice quiet crowd ♪

♪ Plain as it can be ♪

♪ It's just a piddly, squattin'
old-time country place ♪

♪ Nothin' too high-toned ♪

♪ Just lots of good will
and maybe one small thrill ♪

♪ But there's nothin' dirty
goin' on ♪

♪ It's just a little bitty
pissant country place ♪

♪ Nothin' much to see ♪

♪ No drinkin' allowed
We get a nice quiet crowd ♪

♪ Plain as it can be It's just a piddly,
squattin' old-time country place ♪

♪ Nothin' too high-toned. Just lots of
goodwill and maybe one small thrill ♪

♪ Just lots of good will
and maybe one small thrill ♪

♪ Just lots of good will
and maybe one small thrill ♪

♪ But there's nothin' dirty
goin' on ♪

♪ Nothin' dirty goin' on
Yeah ♪

Well, everything was goin'
along fine, just like always,

until that famous college
football celebration.

Some folks think that
that's when the trouble started

You see, for years
the winning seniors...

of the Texas Aggies/Texas U.
football game at Thanksgiving,

they were treated to a night out
at the Chicken Ranch...

by their alumni association.

But actually, the real trouble started
brewin' about three days before.

I can't tell you how thrilled
we are with your contribution.

Here's your receipt.
Thank you, Rita.

Those kids'll be so excited,
and the mayor too.

Why, the town council will
probably vote you another plaque.

Lord, I hope not.
I got a closet full of 'em now.

Hello, Dulcie Mae.
You know Miss Mona.

Oh, yes, of course!
We've met. Mornin'.

Good mornin'.
Isn't this wonderful?

Miss Mona has just capped the goal for
the Little League fund campaign.

Oh, how nice!

Well, on behalf of my son and his
teammates, I wanna thank you.

You tell them I'll be well repaid when
they take the championship next year.

Good-bye, Rita. I'm sorry the sheriff
wasn't here to thank you

He drove over to Meritsville.
He'll be gone all afternoon.

Well, you tell him
I said hi. Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hey, Miss Mona. How are you
doin', Deputy Fred?

It's nice to see you. It's good to see you.
Keepin' an eye on my place at night?

Sure are. The sheriffs real
particular about security out there.

Well, one of these nights,
you drop in.

My girls would love to show you
a little appreciation.

Shoot, Miss Mona.
You know I'm a married man!

Fred, you mean to tell me you don't
think the cows are gonna appreciate the

time off when a bull goes
to another pasture?

Miss Mona!

See you later,
Miss Mona.

Okay. Good-bye.

- Damn it!
- What's the matter?

You're in bed already

So I told you a hundred times, watching you
get undressed is the best part.

The best part?

Well, maybe not 'the' best part,
but in the top two.

Now, would I wanna
disappoint my little honey?

Whoo! Ah.
I'm glad I was late.

Me too! You just hold your horses.
I got a surprise for you.

I went by the post office. I picked up a
package from Frederick's of Hollywood.

Yeah? Just a little something
sexy I thought you might like.

What do you think? It don't
look too little to me.

Well, it certainly ain't a trainin' bra,
but I do believe I can fill it out.

I don't think you got any problem there.
I'll be back with more.

You know, Mona,

I've known a lot of women
in my life.

None of' 'em has ever been
exciting to me like you are.

Really? Even after these years
we've been meetin' like this?

I'll tell you something.

A year with you is like...
a minute of sheer happiness.

Well, now, that is just about the
sweetest thing anybody ever said to me.

I know.
You know, honey,

you bring out the...
the romantic in me.


Whoo! You did that
real fast.

Well, honey, I've had a lot of practice
gettin' in and out of my clothes.

How do you like the outfit?

Hot damn.

Makes me feel real sexy.


Well, you
don't look real sexy.

What do you mean? I look like
I always look. That's just it

It's them damn droopy boxer drawers. I
just hate the looks of them things.

I've worn boxer shorts for years!
- And they look like it.

These are a brand-new pair. I don't
know what you're talkin' about.

People tell me I have a real...
sexy quality about me.

You do, but them
boxer shorts don't.

But when I was gettin' me
some sexy things, I thought about you,

because they have
a his 'n' hers department,

and I thought you
might try that on for size.

What the hell is it, a Japanese slingshot?

No, it's jockey shorts with
little silver snaps on the side.

Mm. Little is the key word
here. They are real little.

A guy could hurt himself
wearin' those things.

I don't think so,
thank you very much.

Ed Earl, I paid $20 for these, plus
postage. And I want you to wear it.

Aw, you paid $20 for these?

Well, you got screwed.

Come on, Ed Earl!

If they look half as good as I think, you
ain't gonna have to wear 'em but a second.

Maybe less.

They're ridiculous. They're impossible.
- They're sexy.

No, no, no! Well, fine! Then I'm
gettin' dressed and goin' home.

Well, fine! I'm goin' in the
bathroom and... put these on.

Be like puttin' two bowling
balls in a marble bag.

Braggin', braggin', braggin'.

Well, I saw Dulcie Mae
in town today.

Oh, yeah? I guess you'll be goin'
over there for Thanksgivin' dinner.

Don't l always?

You better check
that turkey of hers,

because there's a hook in there that's
gonna drag your ass to a wedding chapel.

No way.

I don't believe in matrimony
It screws up a relationship.

Amen to that,
Ed Earl.

- Oh, I'm always ready.

Well, hell fire.
Is that it?

How'd you like it?
- I didn't hardly get to even see them!

That's all you're gonna see, 'cause I
ain't gonna parade around like no model.

Aw, come on, Ed Earl. For me.

No. Come on. One itsy-bitsy peek?

What are you doin'? Man!

Now, that's what the
little silver snaps are for.

Work, don't they?

Just like a snap.

Ha. Come on over here
and give me a little lip lock.

Oop. Gotta brush my teeth.

You know how I am
about my breath.

Oh, Ed Earl, I like a lot of things,
but these afternoons top the list.

Yeah? Well, sing it to me honey.

♪ I like fancy, frilly things ♪

♪ High-heel shoes
and diamond rings ♪

♪ Ragtime bands
and Western swing ♪

♪ And sneakin' around
with you ♪

♪ I like beer and rodeos ♪

♪ Detective books
and dominoes ♪

♪ Football games and Cheerios and
sneakin' around with you ♪ Cheerios?

♪ Sneakin' around with you ♪

♪ Goin' a round or two
Doin' what lovers do ♪

♪ Whenever
they're sneakin' around ♪

♪ I like lots of cash
on hand ♪

♪ And dirty jokes
about the Fuller Brush man ♪

♪ I like stuff l understand
Like sneakin' around with you ♪

♪ You know, I like a thrill
that has no strings ♪

♪ Friendship that don't ever change ♪

♪ And laughter
from the joy of things ♪

♪ And
sneakin' around with you ♪

♪ Sneakin' around
with you ♪

♪ Goin' a round or two ♪

♪ Doin' what lovers do ♪

♪ Whenever
they're sneakin' around ♪

♪ Ohh, ho ♪

♪ Mmm, ahh I like drive-in
picture shows ♪

♪ Kissin' long
and lovin' slow ♪

♪ Secret places lovers go ♪

♪ Whenever they're
sneakin' around ♪

Whoo! ♪ I like the crazy
things we try ♪

♪ And the sexy things
we fantasize ♪

♪ Just a-makin' out
in the broad daylight ♪

♪ And sneakin' around with you ♪

♪ Sneakin' around with you
Keepin' it all brand-new ♪

♪ Gettin' the best of you ♪

♪ When ever
we're sneakin' around ♪

♪ Sneakin' around
That's all ♪

♪ I'm gonna
lay down the law ♪

♪ Watchin' the rise and fall ♪

♪ Of lovers sneakin' around ♪

♪ We're just sneakin' around ♪
♪ Oh, we're just ♪

♪ Sneakin' ♪



Deputy Fred.

Ohh. Hold that position,

Don't move.
Be right back.

This better be important.
Well, I think it is.

I saw your car, and I figured
your phone was out, because...

What are you
wearin' that for?

Takin' a shower.
Oh, really?

I always take my shower in the mornin'.
I read in the Reader's Digest...

I don't care!

What do you want? Oh, it's the mayor.
He wants to speak to you.

Rita's been callin' all over
the county for you.

He wants a meeting right away.
Can't it wait?

You mean 'til after your shower?

You go to your radio. Tell him
I'll be there when I get there.

Nothing can be that important that
it can't wait 'til this afternoon.

Right, Sheriff
- Nice man, but dumb.



Ain't that funny? All this time Miss
Mona was knockin' on the screen door.

She's in a hurry but just dropped
by to give you this.

It's a Japanese slingshot.

Well, look at that!
At last!

Okay, Rufus.
What's on your mind?

Something that could have serious
implications to the health of this town!

Tell him, C.J.!

I have this friend that works
in a TV station down in Houston.

He tipped me off
that Melvin P.Thorpe's...

plannin' an expose
on the Chicken Ranch.

Melvin P.Thorpe!

He's that crazy consumer advocate. Has
a report on the late night news.

He's got a new show once a week: The
Watchdog Report. It's on tonight.

The Chicken Ranch on TV.
Now, come on, fellas.

Television is a family medium.
But he's a sensationalist, Ed Earl.

He shows up every time
a consumer has a complaint.

He's a menace to the
business community.

He's that feller that put the
peanuts back in the chocolate bar.


He made the makers of
the Peanut Delight Candy Bar...

admit that they put less peanuts
in it than they advertised.

He made them change their ways.
- Sounds like a tough customer.

He's got a lot of influence.

If he brings cameras out to the
Chicken Ranch - Come on, Rufus!

I'll make some phone calls.

I got a little influence
around this state myself

Well, it's no use talkin' to me
about it, Sheriff!

Melvin P.Thorpe is now the
biggest attraction at this station.

High ratings. Lots of letters.
He doesn't listen to anybody.

Hell, he wants to go national! Wants
to be watchdog for the whole U.S. of A.

Love to help you, but just like you
don't want to mess with the Chicken Ranch,

I don't wanna ruffle
this old bird's feathers.

Here in Houston, he's becomin'
a regular Texas attraction.

Well, now,wait a minute,
Ed Earl.

I'd tread easy. Them TV boys
can be mighty powerful.

And mighty useful,
if you get my meaning.

Senator, roll call.
Excuse me, Ed Earl. I gotta go.

It's that damn
bilingual bull shit again.

Let me give you a word of advice,
from one elected official to another.

Be careful of the box.

Son of a bitch.
What the hell's going on?

This goddamn Thorpe's got
the whole state bamboozled.

This is serious.
You gotta do something

I intend to.

Deputy Fred. I want you to hold
down the fort for awhile. - Me?

Yeah, you.
Where you goin'?

I'm goin' to Houston. I'm gonna
take care of that little pecker wood myself

This is it.
Thank you.

Come in.

- Mr.Thorpe?
- I know you.

- You do?
- Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd.

They told me you were here.
Come on in.

I hope I'm not...

interrupting anything.

Please! It's my pleasure.
What brings you to Houston?

Sit down.
Anywhere, over here.

I, uh... Ha-ha.
I'm gettin' dressed.

Sit down. I've got
my TV show to do,

and I'm runnin'
a bit behind time.

It's your show l want to talk to you about,
Mr. Thorpe. Oop. Melvin.

Melvin. Please.
You watch the show, Ed?

Well... Last week was the
best ratin' we ever had.

The city planning commissioner was drivin'
a city car... Hold that for me, will you?

While he was on vacation.
Caught him dead to rights.

That pitiful putz. Would you just
pull that up? What?

Just pull that up.

And we broke a 30 share.

It's affectin' my pieces
on the late night news.

Up, up, up.
They just love my little report.

I hear you're
very popular.

The power of television,
of public exposure,

is so great, it scares me.

I swear, I could get the mayor's
own children to throw rocks at him.

Which show did you like best,

I think the one
about the...

nuts in the chocolate bar.

That's one of my favorites.

Three score means 60,
like the Bible says.

So, if it says "*60 nuts*"
on the wrapper,

I wanna see 60 nuts inside.

And I'm talkin' full nuts,
I'm not talkin' a half nut...

or nut bits or nut chips.

I'm talkin' a full nut.

I can see that.

Thank God we still live
in a society where anything..

That's phony or dishonest
can't stand the light of day.

Beg your pardon?

Uh, sock. Thank you.

Most corporations
involved in false advertisin'...

would just laugh at a $50 fine,

but you show up
with your TV camera...

and give them
a little bad publicity,

and they shape up faster than
goose shit slides through a tin horn.

Well, Melvin,

it's that bad publicity I
want to talk to you about.

That could hurt people. You take that
report you're doin' on the Chicken Ranch.

That place is older
than rocks and water.

I wouldn't be surprised if your granddaddy
took your dad your out there...

to learn about the birds
and the bees.

I'm from New Jersey.

See, I moved to Houston six years ago.

Texas suits my style.

The point I'm tryin' to make is that every
schoolboy in the state knows about it.

Most of the politicians
have slept there.

The mayor and the people of
my county that voted for me,

they want to keep things
just the way they are.

Hmm. You know something,
Sheriff? It just struck me.

We're in the same profession.
- What's that?

Law enforcement. I'm out there fightin' for
the rights of the public, just like you.

Both of us are interested
in protectin' the public.

You in the old way,
and me in the new.

The new?
Uh-huh. Television.

I'm the electronic
bounty hunter.

I use a camera;
you use a gun.

Yeah. Melvin, everybody'd be happy
if you'd just drop the whole thing.

Ah. I mean, those
ladies out there,

they perform a
necessary function.

Right or wrong... Right or
wrong don't interest me!

I'm no moralizer. I leave all
that to the preacher.

Well, I'm glad.

Anyway, the mayor was thinkin' maybe
you'd want a little unnecessary publicity.

Unnecessary publicity?
He's got me all wrong!

I'm not one of those sensation
mongers out to boost his own ego!


How do you like it?
It's different.

I designed this myself

No, you tell your mayor...

he's got nothing to fear
from me on that score.

He'll be happy to hear that. I'm a lawman.
That's my interest. Right, partner?

Twenty seconds.

Oh, I'm on!
Friend Ed, I gotta go.

That's my cue.

Come on!

Apres vous!

Come to think of it,
I'd love to interview you

I don't think l'm the type. Nonsense!
You're exactly what the public would like to see.

Really? We'll discuss
it after the show.

This is the sponsor's booth.
Just make yourself comfortable.

Make yourself to home. See you
later, partner. Thank you.

♪ He's out on the prowl ♪

♪ Guards and checks
the best he can ♪

♪ Watchdog is a fighting man ♪

♪ Watchdog will throw
his beam of light around ♪

♪ If some folks
don't toe the line ♪

♪ Watchdog's light
will shine ♪

♪ Shine, shine, shine ♪

And now..
the watchdog man himself.

The eyes and ears of Texas,
Melvin P. Thorpe!

Thank you, fellow Texans,
and welcome to The Watchdog Report,

with yours truly,
Melvin P.Thorpe,

keepin' an eye on what's goin'
on in this beautiful state of ours.

This week's spotlight will
shine on a shameful situation...

that has been allowed to exist
for close to a hundred years.

I'm talkin' about
the Chicken Ranch, my friends.

The proprietor of this
innocent-lookin' ranch house...

is a woman
known only as Miss Mona.

And the man who turns his back
on her illegal operation...

is Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd!

Did l say illegal?
Yes, I did!

Now, I know
that this is TV.

So I'm gonna try to be
as delicate as I can!

Here goes,
and may God forgive me!

♪ Texas has a whorehouse
in it ♪

♪ Lord,
have mercy on our souls ♪

♪ Texas has a whorehouse
in it ♪

♪ Lord, have
mercy on our souls ♪

♪ I'll expose the facts although
it fills me with disgust ♪

♪ Please excuse
the filthy, dark details ♪

♪ And carnal lust ♪

♪ Filthy,
dark details and carnal lust ♪

♪ Dancin' goin' on inside it
Don't you see ♪

♪ They've gone plumb wild
I inquired No one denied it ♪

♪ Now I think I'm gettin'
riled. Bodies close together ♪

♪ Arms and legs all rearranged. And
the sheriff does not close it down ♪

♪ That's very strange ♪

♪ Does not close it
down That's very strange ♪

♪ Mean-eyed, juiced-up
brilliantined honky-tonk cowboys ♪

♪ Oh, no! Mixin' with
green-eyed thin-lipped ♪

♪ Hard-as-nails peroxide
blonds, Oh, no! ♪

♪ Not to mention some types that you'd
never guess would venture near ♪

♪ Actin' all depraved and
loose and wild Ninety miles from here ♪

And now, our own
Melvin P.Thorpe singers.

♪ Texas has
a whorehouse in it. ♪

Oh, my goodness,
he's talkin' about us!

♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it. ♪
Suits me, Mom.

♪ I'll crusade ♪
Doreen! Get my heart pills!

♪ Loveless copulation goin' on. ♪
Hot damn!

♪ And it must stop ♪

♪ Loveless copulation ♪
Loveless copulation?

♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it
God, have mercy on our souls ♪

♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it God,
have mercy ♪ - Aaah!

- Can you dig it?

♪ Loveless copulation ♪

♪ Going on ♪

Don't touch that dial!
This is Melvin P.Thorpe...

sayin' I'll be back with new
and revealin' information...

about this and other cases.

Watchdog never sleeps!

♪ And it must stop.
Watchdog's gonna get you♪

♪ Gonna shine his light on you, Watchdog's
gonna get you Gonna shine his light ♪

♪ On you ♪

Damn. That man is crazier
than a peach orchard sow.

Announcin' it straight out
on TV.

So you been sayin'. Everybody's talkin'
about it. Not that it's big news...

to anybody over
three months of age.

But they heard it
in their livin' room.

Sung. Sung to music. And he
actually called my name on television.

Worse than that. The son of a
bitch called mine!

Ed Earl, seems like ever since I can
remember, folks been jumpin' on me...

for one reason or another. Mmm.

But we're gonna beat this thing.
I ain't worried about it.

You know why?
Because I trust you.

'Cause you're my protector.

Do you know he wears
a sock in his underwear?

A sock? Yeah. All rolled up
like a Jimmy Dean sausage.

Well, I bet
he's runnin' for office.

That's typical of them
crusadin' fanatics.

They flare up every few months.
They're always confusin' crime with sin.

People get sick of hearin' it, and
pretty soon it just clears out of the air.

You're probably right.
Well, ain't I always?

Mm-hmm. You know what I
was thinkin', Ed Earl?

What? Just how much I
miss all the little stuff..

Me and you used to do,
like goin' up to the lake.

Wouldn't it be fun just to go
up there, get a couple of six-packs,

and just get drunker
than Clooney Brown?

Girl, that's the best idea you had
all year. When we gonna do this?

Well, I'd like
to do it tonight.

So would I.

Well, I wonder who that is.

Hey, Deputy Fred.
Morning, girls!

How's your
tally wacker hangin'?

Fine... Uh...


Hi, Sheriff.
This better be important.

It is. That Melvin P.Thorpe is
settin' up in front of the courthouse!

In front of the...

He's gettin' some pictures
for the late news tonight

He's got a whole posse of TV cameramen.
You better come.

Right in front of...
Your office!

Son of a...

I cannot believe that sucker!

He even brought his own singers.
Wait'll I get my hands...

Go get him, Sheriff!

Come on, Deputy Fred!

Ed Earl, please don't
go doin' something stupid...

you're gonna be sorry for!

Watch your temper. Everything's
gonna be fine. Leave that shithead to me.

Howdy again. Melvin P.Thorpe,
the old watchdog himself,

shinin' a spotlight on Gilbert, the
little town with the big shame.

Who's that fella in them
trick britches?

I don't know, but it's too late
in the year for a carnival.

One of them TV folks,
looks like to me.

We're here at the Lanville County Courthouse
to ask some of the local citizens...

how they feel about
the infamous bordello...

runnin' wide open in
their American hometown.

Cut! All right, now,
stay with me, boys.

And when I start the music, I want you
Dogettes to start with me, brisk!

Good people of Gilbert, may l
have your attention, please?

I would like to speak to you about a
matter of great importance and concern.

Let's hear it, Melvin!
Lay it on us.

I'm speakin' to you
about nothin' less...

than your community's
moral health!

I'm talkin' to you
about official blindness,

official corruption,
official malfeasance.

He sure is wound up. Yep. I'm just
waitin' for Ed Earl to get here.

He's gonna kick that boy's ass.

It's no big secret. You know
what's goin' on in this town,

and what's goin' on is evil,

immoral, brazen
and against the law!

Hit it. ♪ Texas has
a whorehouse in it ♪

♪ Lord,
have mercy on our souls ♪

♪ Texas has a whorehouse
in it ♪

♪ Lord, have mercy
on our souls ♪

♪ Sin is running rampant
like before the fall of Rome ♪

♪ Someone is permittin'
you-know-what ♪

♪ And it must stop. ♪
♪ Loveless copulation ♪

♪ Stop that copulation ♪

♪ Loveless copulation ♪

♪ Stop that copulation
Texas has a whorehouse in it ♪

♪ Lord, have mercy ♪

♪ Texas has a whorehouse in it
Lord, have mercy on our souls ♪

♪ Watchdog smells corruption and
he'll fight it to the top ♪

Now, Sheriff. Sheriff!
Keep a grip on yourself.

Don't get your backup!
Stop whimperin', Rufus.

Well, if it isn't
the man himself.

Would you care to give me
an interview now, Sheriff?

I'm gonna give you 30 seconds,
you fancified fart.

Get you and your singin' chorus the
hell out of town! Now,wait...

And get those cameras and crap off
the street. You're blockin' traffic!

The only traffic we're blockin' is that
headed out for the Chicken Ranch.

Right, Sheriff?

Little fat buddy,
up to now you got two tickets:

one for paradin' with out a license
and the other for insultin' me.

Get that circus out of town, or
l'm gonna lock you up so fast...

your corset's gonna pop! Oh,yeah?
We're perfectly within the law.

As a newsman, I have
First Amendment protection.

Get this.

The public has a right to know
what is goin' on out there...

and what kind of payoff
you're acceptin' to protect...

that notorious
house of ill repute.


First thing is,you're
standin' in Lanville County,

which, by my figurin',
is about 100 miles west...

of that stink hole
you call Houston.

So I can't see it's any of your
business what goes on out here.


Number two.

You ain't the law
around here, and I am.

So don't be tellin' me
what my goddamn job is,

or I’ll whip your butt so bad it'll
look like the stripes on a barber pole.

Get him, Sheriff
Maybe mean, but he's ours!

Number three. No sawed-off
little pecker...

is gonna accuse me
of takin' a bribe,

'cause I wear the badge
in this goddamn county.

So you listen and listen good,
you over padded, televisin' turd.

If I ever see you or any of those little
bastards that work for you in my town again,

I'm gonna knock you so flat you're gonna
have to roll down your socks to shit!

That's tellin' him, Sheriff!
My goodness!

So get outta here, you goddamn,
wig-wearin', citified son of a bitch!

Oh! Ooh.

Move, you schmuck!

Move it!
Come on!

Get outta here!
Move this thing!

Come on, move this thing!
I'll get you for this.

You son of a bitch!
You'll pay for this.

You're in trouble, Sheriff!
You're in big trouble!

So long, partner.

Boy,you sent him hightailin'.
I was so proud of you!

Didn't I?


Look at them stars.

Well, there ain't nothin'
prettier than a Texas sky.

Ain't that the truth.

Hey, look! Did you see
that shootin' star? Mm-hmm.

That could've been a
spaceship, you know. Yeah.

You believe in spaceships?

I saw a picture once. Them fellers
that's supposed to be from up there.

Uh-huh. Tiny little fellers,

Little feet, little
hands, got no peckers.

Got no peckers?

Well, I ain't interested.

I don't think my girls would be either.

When I was a little kid, I used
to imagine a flyin' saucer...

swoopin' down and pickin' me
up and takin' me off to heaven.

Like the angels.

"I looked, and behold,
a whirlwind comin' out of the north.

And out of the midst of the fire came the
likeness of four living creatures."

What the hell
you talkin' about?

That's from the Bible. That's what the
Bible says about spaceships in Ezekiel.

Don't you know nothin'
about the Bible? Yeah!

I just don't know nothin' about
no 'Zekiel in the Bible.

I knew a 'Zekiel Peebles
once in the eighth grade.

Think l busted his jaw.

Mmm. Well, that was
very Christian of you.

Well, most of my family
was Baptist.

I never stayed with one family long
enough to become anything in particular.

But I read the Bible.
I believe in Jesus.

I think Jesus was...
was a real good man.

And he was a heck
of a speaker.

Yep. I knew a woman once
that had a vision of Jesus.

He came right in her house, set
right down at the foot of her bed.

Mmm? I don't know what I'd
do if that happened to me.

I'll tell you something, honey.
If Jesus comes to your house,

all hell's gonna
break loose.


You got a point there,
Ed Earl.

But you know,Jesus was really good
to Mary Magdalene, the fallen woman.

He was always bein' very sociable.
He went to this big weddin' once,

and they ran out of wine.

You know what He did?
Turned the water into wine.

Well, that's a man that
knows how to throw a party.

Now, don't be sacrilegious.

I'm not. I'm not.
He forgives me.

He knows I was kiddin'.
I know He forgives you.

That's funny, how God can forgive you,
and people can't. Why is that?

Well, because people
are not very godly.

I know.

I know.


What is it?

Melvin P.Thorpe...

is a sorry son of a bitch.

You reckon he's gonna
run for the legislature?


I never told anybody
this before, but...

I was thinkin' of runnin'
for the legislature some day.

Are you serious, Ed Earl?

They say an honest man can't
be elected in this country anymore.

But I don't believe that.

This is a good country.

I believe I could win.

Well,you got my vote.
I might even go register.

Boy, I sure didn't know you
had dreams that big. Mmm.

People really do like you, though.
They like you too.


You ask anybody in town about you.
Say, "How do you like Miss Mona?"

They say, "Shoot,
she's a fine woman".

"Fine, friendly and nice." Mmm.

I always just thought if you
see somebody with out a smile,

you give 'em yours.
I like that.

I like that.

Think I’ll use that
as my campaign slogan.

If you see somebody with out a
smile, give 'em yours.

I'm gonna have that
printed upon a little card.

Oh, you're kiddin' me.
You smart-ass.

I had a dream once.

I'll tell you if you won't laugh.
Oh, I won't laugh.

Well, I used to dream
of bein' a ballerina.

Now, Ed Earl, I ain't
tellin' you nothin'.

Well... ballerina?
Yes, a ballerina!

Well, I think
that's wonderful.

And I think you still could be a
ballerina if you wanted to be.

Don't be ridiculous!
No,you could!

Go into training right now.
Just start jumpin' up and down.

Me? Jumpin' up and down? I'd
black both my eyes.

I couldn't now.
I'm too top heavy.

I have a hard enough time balancin' these
things now, with out gettin' on my toes.

You know something?

You know that, uh, I
don't see anybody but you anymore.

Course, you can't
say the same, can you?

I haven't been to bed with another
woman besides you in three years.

You didn't know that,
did you?

No, I didn't know that.

Nothin' better, once
you've had the best.

Hey, I like that. Mmm.
I thought you would.

Reckon if I was to run for the legislature,
I could, uh, put that on my card?

Up next, Melvin P.Thorpe continues
his expose of the Chicken Ranch...

with a violent demonstration
in the Gilbert town square.

Great God from Goldsborough!

Wha... Yeah?

Ed Earl, you better turn on
channel four.

That idiot's
got you on TV again.

Well, I don't
give a shit, Rufus!

It's all very well
to take that attitude,

but this is serious!

Put on the television.
Channel four.

That Melvin P.Thorpe
is shootin' off his mouth again.

How could what he's sayin'
be so goddamn important?

Calm down, Rufus! It can't
be as bad as all that.

What happened to me as an
individual is not important.

Is this the kind of man we want
runnin' our law enforcement?

Is this the kind
of foul-mouthed example...

we wanna set for our young,
innocent children?

Run the film.

Number three:
No sawed-off

Is gonna accuse me
of takin' a bribe,

because I wear the badge
in this county!

So you listen good!

If I ever see you or any of those
in my town again,

I'm gonna knock you so flat you're gonna

Ed Earl, that man has
made a fool out of you.

I've had calls from preachers, deacons...

And the presidents
of two garden clubs!

Thank you for callin'. The phones
have been ringin' all mornin'.

Sheriff's office. I don't
know why I serve as mayor...

of this incorporated
sand trap anyway!

What in the heck is keepin' him?
He'll be along.

Well, he'd better! My wife couldn't
believe what she saw last night.

They bleeped him, but she read his
lips on every hell, goddamn and shit.

There's some folks gettin' up a
petition to close the Chicken Ranch.

All we wanted to do
was keep it quiet.

Thanks to Ed Earl, it's the hottest thing
on the air since the Gong Show

I'll tell him you called
Mornin': Sheriff.

Mornin', Rita.
Here's your calls.

Reckon you fellas are waitin'
to talk to me. We sure are!

You don't know the trouble you caused
on this Chicken Ranch business!

Dad-gum it, Ed Earl!
If you ain’t a pluperfect fool!

You may be right. I got over a dozen
messages here from outraged citizens,

tellin' me that we got a whorehouse
in Lanville County.

Only been one here
for about 150 years.

Ed Earl, you can set up speed
traps to catch the tourists.

You can look the other way when the
wrong kid swipes a car to go joy riding.

Hell,you can even
let Miss Mona run her place!

But there's one thing you can't do:
broadcast gutter talk on TV.

I didn't know
they was takin' pictures.

What did you figure
the cameras were for?

Damn it, C.J.!
You pious pissant.

I don't have one-tenth the trouble from
Miss Mona's that I have from you...

for one of your all-night stag parties
over at the Legionnaire Hall.

That ain't fair, dang it!
There's just one thing to do:

Close the place before we all go to hell
in a hand basket. Close it down!

She was just fine as long as she was bringin'
in the money and makin' civic contributions,

but the moment her luck ran
sour, you want to run out on her.

Run out on her like rats
from a burnin' barn!

That's just it, Ed Earl.
Who's gonna put out that fire?

Look, if you won't close
her, tell her to lay low!

Just until the heat
wears off a little bit.

Give it two months.
What's two months?

Nobody tells me
how to run my goddamn job,

and nobody gives me advice!

I'll do things my own way. I'm gonna
make up my own damn mind!

Two months.
What's two months?

Shut down for two months!

That is a hell of a lot
to ask somebody, Ed Earl.

That's a hell of a lot of overhead
to pay out when cash ain't comin' in.

What do you think I ought to tell my girls?
Maybe it won't be two months.

The holidays are comin' up.
Maybe the whole thing will blow over,

and you can let your customers...
I warned you yesterday...

about losin' your temper
and carryin' on.

Last night you said
you was proud of me.

Last night I wasn't
on the 11:00 news!

I didn't know that son of a
bitch was gonna make an idiot out of me.

I don't know about that electronic bullshit!
How was I supposed to handle that?

That's your job, Ed Earl.
Ain't that what they pay you for?

I know my job! Don't be tellin'
me what my goddamn job is!

I could close this place down
in a New York minute!

All I'm askin' for is a little cooperation
so I can get through a difficult situation...

with as little trouble
as possible!

Okay, okay, okay!
I'll shut it down.

You will? What do you want,
a written contract?

You promise? Ed Earl,
I am givin' you my word.

I'm sorry, Mona, about
the whole situation.

Don't feel sorry for me.

I started out poor, and I
worked my way up to outcast.

I know what I'm askin' is gonna turn
out to be the best thing for both of us.

Just trust me.

You know
what burns my ass?

A flame about three feet high.

Of course I trust you, you big cowboy.
Ain't I always?

No need to stop now.

Now get out of here.

Everything's gonna turn out just fine.
Don't you worry about a thing, honey.

Everything's gonna turn out
slicker than catshit...

on a linoleum floor.

Well, if it ain't the celebrated,
cussin' sheriff of Lanville County.

How are you, Sheriff?

I'm fine.
How are you, Porky?

Oh, Sheriff! I been real good all week.
I've lost six pounds.

Yeah? Well, don't take nothin'
off them cheeks. Oh,goon.


Well, Jewel, I just
promised the sheriff..

That we're gonna
shut down for two months.

What? How can you
promise that?

What about the football
celebration tomorrow night?

I forgot all about that.

It's the Thanksgiving game,
and that's real special.

I know! I don't know
what to do. I did promise.

You think if we close the doors
to the regular customers,

just went on as planned,
that'd be all right?

I'm sure it will, honey. That party is
a bigger tradition than the game.

65,000-plus on hand
here at Kyle Field,

and we have seen
an amazing ball game.

Texas A&M heavily favored,
but we're tied 12 to 12.

Aggies have the ball,
second down at the eight

Time is winding down.

And again,
the Longhorns' break is stopped

This University
of Texas defense... Whoo!


String up the white...

until after we see
who wins, orange or maroon.

Yes, ma'am.

I can't stand it if them Aggies win.
What do you mean?

They're such animals. Always yellin'
and jumpin' about...

and sayin' yee-haw

If they have to go for all the
marbles, they will have to throw.

Time running out. Miller rolls
to the right. Pass! Touchdown!

- Yeaaah!

Hell! That calls
for a drink.

The part that emotion plays
in a game like this!

Don't let your mother
see you do that.

Well, who won?
The Aggies.

Aw, shit.



Hey, boys!

All right!
Hey, boys!

Boys, boys! That was
the greatest victory...

since General Eisenhower won!

you ain't forgot...

you was gonna take us
to the Chicken Ranch, did ya?

Yeah! How about it? I always keep
my campaign promises, hmm?

Yes, sir. The Chicken
Ranch is a fine institution,

and I'm proud to have it
in my district.

And to hell with what
Melvin P.Thorpe says!

I'll see all you seniors out
at Miss Mona's.

♪ We're gonna whomp
and stomp ♪

♪ And we'll whoop it up ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Those little gals
won't never ever ♪

♪ Be the same ♪

♪ They're gonna love it
when we whomp and stomp ♪

♪ And whoop it up
all right ♪

♪ It's even better
than an Aggie football game ♪

Better than
a football game?

♪ And then we're gonna
show them all ♪

♪ A thing or two ♪

♪ We're gonna demonstrate ♪

♪ Just what a champion can do ♪

♪ Seventy-five miles
until we get to heaven ♪

♪ Seventy-five miles
until our plans are laid ♪

♪ Seventy-five miles until
we get to the Chicken Ranch ♪

♪ Where history
and Aggie boys ♪

♪ Get made ♪


Get out of the way!

Look it here!
Watch this.



Yee-haw! Yee-haw!

Hey. All right!
Hey, come on.

Atta boy!

Oh, yeah! Come on! All right!

All right!

♪ Twenty-two miles
until we get to heaven ♪

♪ Twenty-two miles
until our plans are laid ♪

♪ Twenty-two miles until
we get to the Chicken Ranch ♪

♪ Where history and Aggie boys ♪

♪ Get made ♪

What the hell

Do we have to wear
these ball gowns again?

Yes, and I don't wanna hear
any more bitchin' about it.

Miss Mona likes to create
somethin' special for the boys.

It's like a graduation dance.

Yee-haw! Yee-haw!

♪ One more mile
until we get to heaven ♪

♪ One more mile
until our plans are laid ♪

♪ One more mile until
we get to the Chicken Ranch ♪

♪ Where history and Aggie boys ♪

♪ Get made ♪

Y'all come on in!

Oh, I'm
so glad to see ya.

Congratulations! Hey, boys!
I think you'll find..

It's a fittin' celebration
for today's victory!

Whoo! Howdy, boys!

Howdy, ma'am. I'm Senator Wingwood of the
19th District and the Aggie class of' '49.

Mighty proud to meet you.

To meet me! Charlie, who you
think you're talkin' to?

How's Mary Margaret
and the kids?

Hell, Miss Mona,
I didn't think you'd remember.

Remember? Did you remember
to bring my check?

I got it right here.

Good. You know it's always a business
doin' pleasure with you, Charlie.

You boys head on out back.

We've got a nice surprise for you.
Come on, boys!

Yoo-hoo! Boys!


Howdy, girls!



♪ Texas has a whorehouse
in it ♪

01:10:11,234 --> 01:10:13,976]

It's me, Deputy Fred!

Come on in, Fred!

Evenin': Sheriff.

Happy Thanksgiving.
You want a drink?

Aw, no, thank you. That stuff always
tears up my stomach.

I was readin' in the Reader's Digest...
What do you want, Fred?

Oh, I was makin' my rounds
around town,

and I saw that Melvin P.Thorpe
and a bunch of other fellers...

headed out towards the Chicken Ranch.
Melvin P.Thorpe.

Uh-huh. Goin' out to the
Chicken Ranch, was he?


He's gonna be real disappointed!

There ain't nothin' goin' on. Miss
Mona promised me to close down.

Ah! Well, she didn't. I was
out there earlier this evenin'.

Those Aggies was just
celebratin' to beat the band.

Oh, no.

Uh-huh! Aw, shit!


Shh. Quiet.

Shh. This maybe the most
important scoop of my television career.

Not now!
Idiot boy.

Give me that.

Good neighbors, we're about to enter
the whorehouse itself

Cut. Come on.

Stay with me.
Come on. Come on, boys.

No! There's been a party here.
Watch your step.


Hold this.

Damn quiet.

Billy Joe, light switch.

Shh. Come on.


Henry. Lights.
Light switch.

Watch me. You know
what you gotta do.

Wait. Bingo.

Lights! Everybody up!

Let's go!

All right! Come along!

Oh, shit!

Jewel,what in hell
is goin' on?

Call the sheriff!
It's that Thorpe sucker!

Oh! Goodness!

They're smokin' cocaine!

Take their picture!

Follow me! Oh!

All right, take this!

Take her picture!
Thank you!

Excuse me, ma'am.
Y'all come back now, you hear?

Come on! Ooh.
Look who's here.

Senator, the eyes of Texas
are upon you Ha.

Come on, boys!
We gotta leave.

Thank you, ma'am.
- Oh!

Oh, ho, ho, ho!
Miss Mona!

Melvin P. Thorpe.

Let's get to those vans! We're
gonna make the mornin' news!

See you on TV!

Holy shit!

God Almighty.

Damn it! You gave me your word!
And I took it!

Now, I'm the law! The law!
Talk about the law!

A bunch of crazies
break into my house tonight,

comin' in here, takin' pictures,
invadin' my privacy.

Wanna know what
the law's gonna do?

I can tell you.

They'd have no reason to do nothin' if
you'd done what you said you were gonna do!

I trusted you.
That's what hurt.

Don't you talk to me about trust!
I trusted you to protect me!

I made a mistake tonight,

If that's your apology,
it ain't worth armadillo crap.

I ain't apologizin'! I'm a business
woman payin' out double taxes!

I expect a little protection!

Where were you?
I couldn't get you...

I was in bed, because you gave
me your word you were closin' down.

If Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace
was here, none of this...

Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace couldn't
hold my jock! You can't handle the job!

Goddamn it, Mona,
you're makin' me mad!

Whoo! Listen at him cuss and shout.
Just like on TV!

You're just a kid
playin' at bein' a cowboy.

You ain't never
gonna grow up!

You use me as your mistress. You use
that damn Dulcie Mae as your in-town wife.

You even use that boy so you can play
weekend daddy! Leave that boy out of it!

You're playin'. You're just a big,
overgrown kid playin' at bein' a man!

I don't have to listen
to this shit. I'm the law.

If I choose to, I'll close this
place down 'til hell freezes over.

Don't you threaten me. I'm tellin'
the truth, and you know it!

And all of your big dreams
of goin' to the legislature.

They're just dreams, 'cause you ain't never
gonna be no more than you are right now:

a chicken-shit sheriff
in a chicken-shit town.

You may be right.

It's a hell of a lot better
than bein' a whore.

Legalized prostitution,
pro or con, is in the news today.

For a report, here
is Jeff Gerald in Gilbert,Texas.

The Chicken Ranch, the legendary.
long-running bawdy, house,

is showing little activity after the
disclosure of the Thanksgiving night raid.

Get a way! The deputy keeps away on-lookers
and potential customers,

while up at the house, the doors are
closed and the principals are not talking

The sheriff of Gilbert, Ed Earl Dodd,
refused interviews.'

while the man who
launched the campaign,

consumer advocate Melvin P. Thorpe,
held a press conference this afternoon.

I have a report here that says
that the Chicken Ranch...

is involved with and under the
influence of organized crime.

I myself am gonna take this report to Austin
in the hopes that the governor himself..

Will come out of his long silence
on this issue and uphold the law.

And... Thank you.
Thank you very much.

The governor made no statement,

but Senator Charles Wingwood, who was a
principal figure in the Watchdog news raid,

also held a press conference
explaining his involvement

I have no independent recollection
of going to the Chicken Ranch.

I can only say, as the most dedicated
anti-communist in the state legislature,

that I must have been drugged by
communists or communist sympathizers...

and placed there to harm
my reputation and good name.

Reaction across the state
is split 50-50.

But here in Gilbert, the Chicken
Ranch has many supporters.

I ain't never seen anything bad come out
of there yet, and I've lived here all my life.

Why, they attract a lot of
business to the community.

They pay their taxes...
ha...just like you and me!

No one. No one was ever
forced to go up there.

My Frank,when he was alive, used
to go up there every Saturday.

I took it as a blessin'. Of course,
things were different then.

Now a days women enjoy doin'
that sort of thing themselves.

At least, so I've been told.

The Chicken Ranch?
I think it's a good idea.

See, you take young boys and
they're gonna be lookin' for women.

If they can't find 'em,
they'll rape 'em.

And if they don't, they'll run
to other women and get diseases!

Those girls went to doctors.

Although petitions are being
circulated to save the Chicken Ranch,

already this bumper sticker is
beginning to appear around the state.

And so, as feminists line up behind
decriminalization of prostitution,

already in the legislature, while
traditionalists and fundamentalists...

lobby for its defeat, the fate of the
Chicken Ranch rests with the governor,

who to day again was unavailable
for comment

Jeff Gerald, ABC News,

Thank you, Jeff If...

Well, I hate admitting
I was wrong, Miss Mona.

But with television broadcasting
this from hell to breakfast,

we should've done what the sheriff
said and kept this place closed.

It was my fault, Jewel.
It was my decision.

He ain't gonna be able
to stop it this time, is he?

No. He'd like to, but
he's out of his league.

He don't know
how to fight 'em.

He's just a good old boy
that ain't never gonna grow up.

Honey, we see everything
in this profession.

But one thing I ain't never seen,
man nor woman, is a grown-up.

Don't be too hard on him.
He loves you.

Well, he ain't
never said it.

Some men can't
say the words, honey.

But that don't mean they
don't feel it in their heart.

Well, It's just as well
anyhow, Jewel.

I set my course
a long time ago,

and I can't go changin' now.

Well, I don't know what to do.
Seems like folks...

got nothin' else to talk about
but this Chicken Ranch mess.

Like a broken record: Chicken Ranch,
Chicken Ranch, Chicken Ranch!

And all of this bad publicity's
flat ruinin' business.

I haven't sold a car in a week.
It's ruinin' the town.

No one's blamin' you, Ed Earl.
It ain't your fault.

But we can't just sit around
here waitin' to grow tits!

The way l see it, the Chicken
Ranch served a purpose once.

But now everything's
openin' up.

Do you know we are in the
middle of a world wide sexual revolution?

Why, Miss Mona's ain't obscene;
It's just obsolete.

She ain't got a handful
of supporters left, Ed Earl.

All this publicity's
makin' folks think twice...

about signin' that petition
to keep her open!

Why can't that station
in Houston...

turn its cameras to the cesspool
in their own backyard?

And how about Austin? Why, two
blocks from the state capitol,

you can have anything done to you
for money that you can get in Tangiers!

Why, there's naked
massages, tongue baths,

somebody ticklin' your ass
with a feather.

If you know that for a fact,
Mr. Newspaper Editor,

it's your duty to expose it!

Now, you see here, C.J.!

I don't give a damn if folks
want their ass tickled!

I kinda like to think that
that's what heaven is all about.

Boys, I got myself
a pretty good bullshit detector.

And I can tell when somebody's peein' on
my boots and tellin' me it's a rainstorm.

Now, this thing's gotten way out of hand.
I don't know how.

But l figure there's only one
thing left to do. Close it down!

No. I'm goin' to Austin.

See the governor, tell him Miss
Mona's side of the situation.

He sure as hell ain't gonna hear about
it from anybody in this room.

You can't go up and see the governor!
He don't see anybody!

He'll see me.

Feel like the country dog in the city.
If I stand still, they screw me.

If I run, they bite me in the ass.

I... I wish...

there was somethin'
I could do.

Thank you.

They want me
to close her down,

run her out of town.

How can I ask her to leave, when
all I want her to do is stay?

Ladies and gentlemen, His
Excellency, the governor of Texas.

My friends, I want to thank you for
that sincere and heartwarming ovation.

No questions, please.

Governor, what do you think
of the crisis in the Middle East?

I was sayin' at the weekly prayer
breakfast in this historic capitol...

that it behooves both
the Jews and the Arabs...

to settle their differences
in a Christian manner.

But... Governor! Governor...

Have you seen the evidence of the
disgraceful situation at the Chicken Ranch?

♪ Fellow Texans
I am proudly ♪

♪ Standing here
to humbly say ♪

♪ I assure you ♪

♪ And I mean it ♪

♪ Now, who says I don't
speak out as plain as day ♪

♪ And fellow Texans ♪

♪ I'm for progress
And the flag ♪

♪ Long may it fly ♪

♪ I'm a poor boy ♪

♪ Come to greatness ♪

♪ So it follows
that I cannot tell a lie ♪

What the hell did he say? The
same as usual: not a damn thing.

♪ Ooh, I love to dance
a little sidestep ♪

♪ Now they see me, Now they don't
I've come and gone ♪

♪ And Ooh, I love to sweep
around the wide step ♪

♪ Cut a little swath
and lead the people on ♪

- Yeah.

Jerry Rogers of the Houston Post.
Hi, Jerry.

Governor? Do you plan to take action
against the Chicken Ranch?

♪ Now, my good friends ♪

♪ It behooves me ♪

♪ To be solemn
and declare ♪

♪ I'm for goodness
and for profit ♪

♪ And for living clean
and saying daily prayer ♪

♪ And now, my good friends
You can sleep nights ♪

♪ I'll continue to stand tall ♪

♪ You can trust me ♪

♪ For l promise ♪

♪ I shall keep a watchful eye
upon y'all ♪

Did you get any of that? I hear him
talkin', but he don't come in.

♪ Ooh, I love to dance
a little sidestep ♪

♪ Now they see me, Now they don't
I've come and gone ♪

♪ And Ooh, I love to sweep
around the wide step ♪

♪ Cut a little swath
and lead the people on ♪

There he is.
Come on, boys.

Governor! Governor.

Melvin P.Thorpe.
Watchdog News.

Why has the Chicken Ranch operation
been so long ignored?

We seem to be havin'
some acoustic problems in here.

Aren't you afraid of possible payoffs
and bribes? Melvin, I'm sorry.

Enough of this pussy footin', Governor.
What do you intend to do...

about Miss Mona
and the Chicken Ranch?

♪ Now, Miss Mona ♪

♪ I don't know her ♪

♪ Though I've
heard the name ♪

♪ Oh,yes ♪

♪ But of course
I have ♪

♪ No close contact ♪

♪ So what she is doin'
I can only guess ♪

♪ And now Miss Mona ♪

♪ She's a blemish ♪

♪ On the face
of that good town ♪

♪ I am takin'
certain steps here ♪

♪ Some one somewhere's
gonna have to close her down ♪

Can you believe that man?

Was that a yes or a no?
That's a possible maybe.

♪ Ooh, I love to dance
a little sidestep ♪

♪ Now they see me, Now they don't
I've come and gone ♪

♪ And Ooh, I love to sweep
around the wide step ♪

♪ Cut a little swath
and lead the people on ♪

♪ Ooh, I love to dance
a little sidestep ♪

♪ Ooh, I love to sweep
around the wide step ♪

♪ Cut a little swath
and lead the people ♪

♪ On ♪

Governor? I have
Sheriff Dodd from Gilbert..

Waiting outside to see you.

He's been here since early this morning
and is very insistent

Swearin' Sheriff Dodd?
The one on TV?

No, no, no, no...
Hi, Sheriff!

Just talkin' about you.
How are ya?

Governor. I know I'm
way out of line comin' up here,

but before you closed down the Chicken
Ranch I wanted you to know all the facts.

But I haven't made that decision yet!

My aides are still workin' on that.
Well, the Chicken...

The Chicken Ranch has been in
my county since before I was born.

Its doors have been open to soldiers
and presidents and farmers.

Even governors who can remember
what a great institution it is.

No need to bring that up,
Sheriff I ain't threatenin' you.

Whatever you say, I'm gonna do.
But think of the people.

I've known Miss Mona for 12 years.
You're never gonna meet a finer woman.

She never refuses a charity.
The whole town likes her.

Hospital fund, new swimmin' pool,
even the Little Leaguers.

She bought 'em uniforms so they wouldn't
have to play in their overalls.


I wasn't aware
of her civic generosity.

But the law is the law!

Sometimes it's gotta be changed. I
been fightin' crime all my life,

but let's not confuse crime
with committin' a sin.

You can't legislate morality. Those girls
have never caused any trouble to anybody.

They're healthy, taxpayin',
law-abidin' citizens...

who supply a demand and provide an
economic asset to the community.

Whew. Ed Earl.

You ever think about runnin'
for office? Huh? I swear.

You make that whorehouse sound like a
damn nonprofit recreational facility.

Governor, if the citizens
who elected me...

found it necessary
to close it down,

I would close it down.

If Miss Mona and the girls that work
for her were jeopardizin' the health,

wealth or moral scruples of the community,
I would close it down.

If the place was just
a piddlin' nuisance,

an eyesore, a fire hazard,
I would close it down!

But there's nothin'. No reason
except the goddamn cries...

of a muck rakin'
sensationalist on television.

Here they are, Governor.
What you've been waitin' for.

Aha. I'm sorry,
Ed Earl.

But the Chicken Ranch loses,
42 to37,with 21% undecided.

What is that? The polls. You
can't expect me to go against the polls.

Melvin still outside?
Maybe I can catch the cameras.

Good seein' ya.

But it's not
what my people want.

Show's over, Sheriff
Close it down!

Hooray! Aha!

♪ Melvin Thorpe
has done it once again ♪

♪ He's shone his light
and now we see ♪

♪ Melvin Thorpe will go
through thick and thin ♪

♪ And lead us on to victory ♪

♪ Ooh,
I love to dance a little sidestep ♪

♪ Now they see me, Now they don't.
I've come and gone ♪

♪ And Ooh, I love to sweep
around the wide step ♪

♪ Cut a little swath
and lead the people on ♪

♪ Melvin Thorpe
has done it once again♪

♪ He's shone his light
and now we see ♪

♪ Melvin Thorpe will go
through thick and thin ♪

♪ And lead us on to victory ♪

♪ Melvin Thorpe has done it
once again ♪

♪ He's shone his light
and now we see ♪

I'd love to see
that sheriffs face right now!

♪ He'll lead us all ♪ That Chicken Ranch
is gonna get it in the neck!

And Miss Mona,
she's gonna get hers too.

For all to see ♪ Agh!

♪ Melvin Thorpe will go through thick
and thin He'll lead us all to ♪

♪ Victory ♪

01:34:13,508 --> 01:34:15,419]
Sorry son of a bitch.


Mona, this is an official call.

As the sheriff of Lanville
County, it's my duty...

Why don't you just get
to the point, Sheriff?

I gotta close you down.

I see.

How long do we have?

Be better to do it
as soon as possible.

I understand.


About the other night.

I lost my temper.

I said somethings
I shouldn't have said.

I want to apologize.

Oh, it's all right,
Ed Earl.

I think we both said a whole
lot of things we regret.

If there's ever anything
I can do...

No, thank you. I think you've
done all you could.

I have to tell my girls.

Well, the news has come.

Just got a call
from the sheriff

and we are closed down...

immediately and permanently.

Oh. What'll we do?

Well, Las Vegas,
here I come.

Damn! I thought when the sheriff went
to speak to the governor,

we'd get a reprieve.

What did you say?
Didn't you know about that, Miss Mona?

He drove up last night.

The whole town's talkin'
about the way he fought for you

Didn't he tell you that?

No. No, he didn't.

♪ Hey, maybe I'll
dye my hair ♪

♪ Maybe I'll
move some where ♪

♪ Maybe I’ll get a car ♪

♪ Maybe I'll drive so far
they'll all lose track ♪

♪ Me, I'll bounce
right back ♪

♪ Maybe I'll sleep real late ♪

♪ Maybe I'll
lose some weight ♪

♪ Maybe I'll clear my junk ♪

♪ Maybe I'll just get drunk
on apple wine ♪

♪ Me, I'll be
just fine and dandy ♪

♪ Lord, it's like
a hard candy Christmas ♪

♪ I'm barely getting through ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ But still I won't let ♪

♪ Sorrow bring me way down ♪

♪ I'll be fine
and dandy ♪

♪ Lord, it's like
a hard candy Christmas ♪

♪ I'm barely
gettin' through ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ But still I won't let
sorrow bring me way down ♪

♪ Hey, maybe I'll
learn to sew ♪

♪ Hey, maybe I'll
just lie low ♪

♪ Maybe I'll hit the bars ♪

♪ Maybe I'll
count the stars ♪

♪ Until the dawn ♪

♪ Me, I will go on♪

♪ Maybe I'll settle down ♪

♪ Maybe I'll
just leave town ♪

♪ Maybe I'll
have some fun ♪

♪ Maybe I'll meet someone
and make him mine ♪

♪ Me, I'll be just fine ♪

♪ And dandy ♪

♪ Lord, it's like
a hard candy Christmas ♪

♪ I'm barely
gettin' through tomorrow ♪

♪ But still I won't let
sorrow bring me way down ♪

♪ I'll be fine and dandy ♪

♪ Lord, it's like
a hard candy Christmas ♪

♪ I'm barely
gettin' through tomorrow ♪

♪ But still I won't let ♪

♪ Sorrow bring me way down ♪

♪ I'll be fine and dandy ♪

♪ Lord, it's like
a hard candy Christmas ♪

♪ I'm barely
gettin' through tomorrow ♪

♪ But still I won't let ♪

♪ Sorrow bring me way down ♪

♪ I'll be fine ♪

♪ I'll be fine ♪

♪ I'll be fine ♪

So the girls left,

and it was a sorry day
for Lanville County.

It's kinda like the end
of an era.

You know, like when you graduate
from high school?

Things are just
never the same again.

Ed Earl's up
in the state legislature now,

and I became the sheriff

I suppose you're wonderin'
what happened to Miss Mona.

Well, Ed Earl drove up there
on her last day.

Hey, Sheriff.
Good morning, Jewel.

I'm so pleased to see ya. I knew you
couldn't let me leave...

with outta sweet good-bye for
your old Porky.

Good-bye, Jewel.
Good-bye, Sheriff

I sure hope you come up north to visit
Miss Mona and me. Where is she?


See you're takin' your old juke
with you.

You know I couldn't
leave without my bell and my box.

Ed Earl?

This old place looks
kinda funny, don't it?

Ben Sawtuck bought
all my furniture and fixtures,

and Langston downtown's
gonna sell the rest.

Mona, there's something
I wanna tell you.

I want you to thank your boys
for me.

Those reporters would have got all out of
hand if it hadn't been for your deputies.

Mona, you know me better
than that.

Ed Earl, I believe the thing to do is
to put this whole thing behind you...

just as quick as you can.

I've made a little money, I've
laughed, I've danced to the music.

It's just time to pay
the fiddler, that's all.

Mona,we've been
together a long time.

Sometimes I think you know me
better than I know myself

So you know how hard
this is for me to say.

I love you.

Will you marry me?

Oh, Ed Earl, I've loved you
since I was 16 years old.

But I've thought about
this for a long time.

And as much as I'd
love for it to work,

I know deep down in my heart
it ain't never gonna be.

Didn't you hear what I said?
I did, darlin'.

But it's gonna always be
just like it is.

There just ain't no way
in this world it can work.

We could make it work.

Just have to
give it a chance.

♪ If l ♪

♪ Should stay ♪

♪ Well, I would only ♪

♪ Be in your way ♪

♪ And so I’ll go ♪

♪ And yet I know ♪

♪ That I'll think of you ♪

♪ Each step of the way ♪

♪ And I ♪

♪ Will always ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ I will always ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ Bittersweet ♪

♪ Memories ♪

♪ I guess that's all
I'll be takin' with me ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

♪ Oh, please, don't cry ♪

♪ 'Cause we both know
that I'm not what you need ♪

♪ But I ♪

♪ Will always ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ I will always ♪

♪ Love you ♪

I know you're
gonna get your dream.

And I know you're gonna do a real
good job in the legislature.

But if you was to
marry me... Wait a second.

I love you.

I don't give a damn
what people say.

Jewel! Hold it
right there!

What's that, Sheriff?

Which one of them
bags is hers?

That one.

And that one there,

Oh, Sheriff!

I always knew you'd come through!


Well, that's pretty
darn close to the way it happened.

The old watchdog, Melvin P.
Thorpe, got what he wanted

Miss Mona married Ed Earl,

and they got what they wanted

And the people of Texas,
well, they got what they wanted,

another legend,
the legend of the Chicken Ranch.

♪ It's just a little bitty pissant
country place. Nothin' much to see ♪

♪ No drinkin' allowed
We get a nice quiet crowd ♪

♪ Plain as it can be It's just a piddly
squattin' old-time country place ♪

♪ Nothin' too high-toned ♪

♪ Just lots of good will
and maybe one small thrill ♪

♪ But there's nothin' dirty
goin' on ♪

♪ It's just a little bitty
pissant country place ♪

♪ Nothin' much to see ♪

♪ No drinkin' allowed
We get a nice quiet crowd ♪

♪ Plain as it can be ♪

♪ It's just a piddly squattin'
old-time country place ♪

♪ Nothin' too high-toned.Just lots of
good will and maybe one small thrill ♪

♪ Just lots of good will
and maybe one small thrill ♪

♪ Just lots of good will
and maybe one small thrill ♪

♪ But there's nothin' dirty
goin' on ♪

♪ Nothin' dirty goin' on ♪

Y'all come back now,
ya hear?