The Bellmen (2020) - full transcript

Today is the day someone will prove to me
that they are worthy of not just a paycheck,

but a
journey into the unknown.

I have
had the honor, with a hard "U,"

- like the Europeans do, "The Honeur."
- Hor-uh-ner.

What did I say?

You said "honeur." It's a hard,
but also soft. It's a soft "H."

I have had the honor of being bell captain
of this fine establishment for 12 years.

And a common bellman for 10
years before that.

You might be asking yourself, "How has
this guy had the same job for 27 years?"

I don't need to progress.

I don't need success in the eyes
of my father, wherever he is,



I don't need to do things like prove
my worth to the love of my life

that I let slip away and would
do anything to get back.

And I'm saying anything, like,
if she came up on this roof right now...

It's enough chit chat.

Let's do this.

Tyler's right.

The time is nigh.

Mm, mm-hmm. Nice.
That'll work.

When we first started, there were
12 potential bellmen in training.

The field is now down
to three.

Psst! Steve. Two guys.

I see. As it turns out, there
are only two of you.

Whoever passes this competition will
enter into final bellman certification,

in which there are three stages
to your initiation.



Let's do this!

Oh, dear God.

On your mark,

get set, and go.

Congrats, B.I.T. You've won the
elimination round.

Passing the first stage is a
pretty big deal.

Be proud, very few make
it this far.

Mm-hm.

C'mon. I wanna show
you something.

Ah! Hello?

Um. Hello?

Shh. You're safe.

Ow! Someone punched me, Steve.

Tyler, did you punch
Josh?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I did.

Check it out.

The Bellman Hall of Fame.

All the greats are up there.

You know who that is?

Sid Whitman.

He started here as a
bellman, just like us.

Worked his way up the ladder and
bought the hotel.

Could I work my way
up the ladder?

Sure.

How come you never worked
your way up the ladder?

Yeah, we're having a good time.

Who's the cactus?

That's Sauggie. Best
bellman I ever worked with.

Sauggie once stacked 22
bags on one bell cart.

Still an Arizona record!

Sauggie once revived a woman
who passed away in the lobby.

- A week later.
- Still an Arizona record.

When Sauggie left, he took a
piece of me with him.

Miss you, Sauggie, miss you
every day.

Where did Sauggie go?

No one knows.

What?

Nobody knows. He just didn't show
up to work one day, no explanation.

The police searched for weeks.
He just vanished.

Miss him every day.

It's all right here in
the Bellman Handbook .

Go ahead.

So just to be clear, cactus
was a revered bellman

who mysteriously disappeared

and his return is something
everyone covets.

- Yeah, that's pretty much it.
- That's spot on.

- It's the story they're all going with.
- 100%

Yeah. Okay. I'm just making sure
that's where we're going with this.

Come on, let's get
you into uniform.

- Hey, Steve.
- Hey.

Here's today's checkouts. There's
also a handful early check-ins today.

Last night we were at 80% but
tonight's going to be at full capacity.

I can't wait.

Josh, the goal here is to make
as much in tips as possible.

Now you achieve that by giving
great service 24/7, all right?

Remind the guests if they don't
have cash, all good,

they can get
Bravo, the new tipping app.

Okay, let's get this party
started.

All right!

What was that?

Oh, woah.

- Um, you are a big man.
- I'm the runt of the litter.

- You want 1.8 for that property?
- Hey, what's up?

Yeah, I can get you 1.2 if
you're lucky. Come on in.

- Hi, I'm Rhonda.
- One of us is not ready yet, but we'll be ready soon.

Hi, I'm Jesus.

Can we take your
bag for you, sir?

Oh!

Sure thing, Mr. Ketterer.
He's on his way and he won't be late.

JJ.

Hi, I'm Tyler. I'm your bellman.

Hey, my name is JJ.

You're the bellman.

A couple of houses on the market that
have been sitting there for the last year

and you're trying to tell... did you just
look at a watch that wasn't on your hand?

I have an itch.

No, man. This is really new to
me. But I feel bad.

I usually don't have people help me
do it and oh... I can't believe it.

Mother Bear.

- I'll take this here.
- No, no. I'm not ready yet.

- How about I just take this one then?
- Oh, no. I'm not quite finished.

Rhonda, will you help
me fold these?

Oh, I'd prefer not to.

So, can I bring these
down for you?

What do you think?

I don't know.

No.

This is greatly appreciated.
Have a great rest of your day.

- That's good.
- Yeah, okay. Good.

- And that's for you.
- Oh, you are too kind.

No, no, no. We got to keep
it organized, baby.

- What is two dollars?
- Let's get this show on the road.

- Oh, those are binoculars.
- Those are binoculars.

Bravo!

Excuse me, could you...

Steve?

Houseman?

Wow, it's me, Dave Myers.

Dick-face Dave.

You used
to say that all the...

- Dave Myers. Right.
- Yeah.

What... What
are you doing here in Tucson?

Spirifresh, the spiritual
mind refreshment retreat.

- Sounds refreshing.
- Ooh.

So,

can you help
me to my room?

Oh, duh.

You know Tucson has the most days of
sunshine of any city in the entire US.

And one of the
most popular golf destinations.

Steve Houseman, this is crazy.

I mean, I thought you were all
like running a tech company...

win... winning Super Bowl's.

Oh, yeah. No.

You've had this job since
high school, right?

Yeah, yeah. Good memory.

Still. Same job, still.
Still a bellman.

Well actually now, I
am the bell captain.

Oh, ahoy!

So, after Kate got pregnant with Maddie,
she quit her job at the tech firm.

I make enough money for the both of us,
so, and she is such a wonderful mother.

It's really... I just
love having a family.

It's like the most great thing
you can ever imagine. Ouch!

- No, it's okay. I'm good.
- It's a tight squeeze.

You can just put it right there.
Just...

Yeah, wow.

Steve.

It's great to see you. You're
really good at this, man.

I appreciate it.

Yeah.

- All right, well. Enjoy your stay.
- Oh.

Ah, thank you.

Money.

Money. Ooh, money.

Eh. Uh, no.

You know...

- Trying to leave.
- Yeah, yeah.

It's a game.

Got a busy day.

Getting weird
every time you stop me.

Dave, I've never beat anybody up
in this hotel before.

Yeah.

- All right.
- Okay.

- See you around, Dave.
- Yeah, I'll see you around Dave... Steve.

♪ When he
was a boy He would dream ♪

♪ About growing up to be Steve ♪

♪ He always thought
He'd be more ♪

♪ Than just a guy bringing bags
To the door ♪

Kelly.

- I didn't know you'd be...
- Oh!

Oh, shh!

Do you need help?

Thanks.

I got to go to the lobby.

- It's that way.
- Okay.

Oh, you guys have a
bar and grill, nice.

Yeah, you can really
get lit there.

- What's your name?
- Josh.

I don't care. Don't talk to me.
Everything goes through Tyler, okay?

Okay. Yes, sir.

- Just...
- Sorry, sir.

I'm with him right now. Hold on one sec.
I need the keys to the golf course.

Excuse me?

The keys to the golf course,
you're supposed to keep them on hand.

Ah...

Wow, first day and we
can't trust you.

- You can pack up your things.
- I don't have things.

Even better.

You're fired, you got 10 minutes
to vacate the property

or I'll have you
arrested for trespassing.

No.

Yes.

Josh, I'm messing with you, man.

I'm Michael, Front
Office Manager.

Hey. Josh, I'm B.I.T.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, guys.

Steve, morning, brother.

Met the new guy. Hit
him with the classic.

Nice. You know, Josh.

I trained Michael when he
got hired here as a bellman.

Couple of years later he took a dump
on my face and took a promotion.

Weird that I'd want a salary and
health insurance for the family.

Did he really take a
dump on your face?

If any of you guys, notwithstanding
Steve, ever want to move up,

let me know, the
door is always open.

And become like you or Alan?

- Who's Alan?
- Department head meeting in 15 minutes, Steve, don't be late.

Yes, sir, got it marked right
here in my palm pilot.

- Who's this?
- B.I.T.

No thanks. I just ate.
What's your name?

Josh.

Joshua, is it? I should
write you up.

Oh yeah?

Oh, you're
gonna write me up?

I... I should write you up

for that penis head.

- One demerit!
- We don't have demerits, Alan.

Well, we will.

I'm trying to
implement them.

You will be watched.

You will be fired, if
you talk to me like that again.

Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

Sir.

Good.

11 minutes till the meeting.

Can't wait.

One demerit.

So, that's Alan.

- Ah.
- Good to meet you. Steve, I'll catch you at the meeting.

Yeah.

- First early check-in of the day.
- Thank you, Stacey.

No problem.

All right, you heard her, B.I.T.
Get out and help that lady.

- Alone?
- Oh, yeah. No better way to learn.

Yeah, okay.

No problemo.

You got this.

Here we go.

Josh's time to shine.

Who are you talking to?

What?

No... no one.

Hi, I'm Josh. I'm the new B.I.T.
I was wondering if I could...

Welcome to King Saguaro Hotel.
May I have your last name, please?

- It's Long.
- No problem. I've got room on ticket.

Oh, no, no. My name
is Sheila Long.

Oh, of course. Miss Long.

Good morning, ma'am. Can I help...

Oh, my, what happened?

Bellmen are clumsy and stupid.

Yeah. Please. Come
right this way.

Listen up, Josh.

Do not encroach on us when we're
talking with guests.

Why not?

'Coz you get smashed in the
head with a suitcase, bro.

Now, go back to ding-a-ling desk
with other ding-a-lings. Ding-a-ling.

Ding-a-ling.

Steve.

A few years ago, we were honored to host the
Susan B. Anthony Memorial Golf Tournament.

Needless to say, we were
slammed. Cars were piling up.

So, I took the initiative to help
and valeted a nice woman's Mercedes

and the brothers did
not like that.

In retaliation, they peed on
every single bell cart.

Yeah. Things have been
contentious between us ever since.

You would know that if you
read the Bellmen Handbook .

You just gave me the handbook...

You should have it
memorized, you idiot!

Yeah, you idiot. All right. I got to go
to a meeting. Josh, you're in charge.

Really?

Nope.

- Come on, think.
- Hey, Brad.

Watch this.

Hi, welcome to the hotel.
Let me grab these for you.

- Thank you.
- Right this way.

You know it was my idea to
do an all-female Ghostbusters.

You really are an idiot.

Explain to me the difference
between Radicchio and Arugula.

Radicchio has no...
how do you say?

I didn't take a single one.

You didn't take any? Oh man.

All right everyone, let's be
Quiet please.

We have a lot to get through and
not a lot of time.

Alan, what time is it?

Alan, it's
a flip phone, just flip it.

Alan, what time is it?

- Michael, what time is it?
- 10:25 a.m.

Quick rundown time of everything today,
shall we? Guillaume, what's in season?

- Cacti are always in season.
- Ah, ha-ha. Don't I know it?

- Ted, what do you got for me?
- We're close to discovering the source of the smell

coming from the air ducts on the
third floor.

And we all sincerely
hope that you do. Louisa.

Our robe inventory is
diminishing.

Until we put a stop
to this robe thievery,

only the people who really need
robes will get them.

Very troubling. Alan, please
find the culprit.

And Patty,
how are the puppets?

Oh, you know, we good.

Oh! Thanks Patty.

We have a lot of
events this weekend.

I want to keep everyone apprised
of where everything is going on.

In the Sahuarita Ballroom we
have the Moishevitz Bar Mitzvah.

Please have the
first aid kit ready.

And in the Tanque Verde Ballroom we
have the 4th Annual Toddler Ball.

So plenty of juice boxes and
goldfish.

In the Saddlebrooke
Ballroom we have Spirifresh,

the Spiritual Mind Refreshment
Retreat.

Now for anyone who is interested
in attending Spirifresh,

they are offering a 4% employee
discount.

Now you might recognize that we
are at a 100% capacity this weekend

and we have some V-very
I-important P's showing up,

including our owner,
Sid Whitman.

And everyone join me in congratulating
Kelly on joining Les Clefs d'Or,

the national organization of
lobby concierges.

Kelly, we appreciate people
whose commitment to excellence

earns them honors like these and makes us
look good in the process. So, thank you.

Mazel tov , baby.

Thanks, Patty.

And thank you, Susan. I'm honored
to share this table with all of you.

Every one of you makes my job
easier. Except for Steve.

Meeting is over.

Kelly.

- Kelly.
- What, Steve?

Congrats on the pin thingy.

It's Les Clefs d'Or,
not a pin thingy.

What are you doing right now?

I'm working.

I got a promotion.

I was interviewing and crushing it
so they were like enough is enough.

Let's start the transition. To
the top is where I'm headed.

So, just thought
you should know that.

Congratulations. Maybe I'll be
seeing you at the adult table.

Maybe I'll look in your direction
at the table when you see me there.

I'll be the guy
looking at you.

Michael, this is Steve.

Michael.

I need you in the garden ASAP.

God! Jesus, come on.

- What's up, dude?
- Oh, hey. I need your help.

Hmm. Pretty sure the favor scale
is leaning heavily in my favor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. I just lied to
Kelly. I told her I was getting promoted.

Why would you do that?

I don't know, man. I just miss
her. I want another shot.

Well, lying to her
is a great start.

- You gonna help me or not?
- Of course.

But I can't just promote you out
of thin air. It's a process.

- If you were a manager, you'd know that.
- Great, so make me a manager.

All right, I'll see what I can do.
But you got to keep your nose clean.

- Right, if Alan catches you doing anything...
- I can handle Alan.

No messing around.
You can't get in trouble.

I'll keep a low profile. I'll
hide in the bell closet.

How come I never get to hang
out in the bell closet?

Because you abandoned us.

I deserved that.

All right, so what's our move?

Try to convince Susan to give
you a shot.

Show her some numbers, tell her I need
an Assistant Front Office Manager.

Great, thank you. Hey, uh...

Let's just keep this a Mike, Steve
thing, you know. Guys don't need to know.

- Why not?
- The whole "being a bell captain for life" is kind of my thing.

- You're killing me, man.
- I know, okay. I'll get you back. I'll get you robes.

- Robes?
- Yeah.

Damn it.

I got plenty of robes at home.

Then just tell me that.

- Let's get back inside before someone suspects something.
- Yeah.

Oh, hey. Steve! This is Gunther.

He is a very important P.

Gunther. Hi, I'm Steve,
the bell captain.

Steve, yes.

Stress, but it's not work
related.

A good soul, unfulfilled.

But Steve can dance.

No. No, he can't.

Um, I can dance.

So, you think you can dance?

In your face, Steve. He
pegged you good, Steve.

That was good.

I make this joke because there
is a famous show,

a television show has the same moniker
as these words I just said to you.

I have not seen it because my
studies show,

television is observation from a
distance, yeah?

Yeah, but you... yes.

You Steve, captain.

Yes, you can dance.

The universe loves you,
so do I.

But we always safe, so safe.

Here is Sanz Hands
hand sanitizer.

That's a lot.

Okay.

Sorry, you're just so cute,
I can't help myself.

These girls are
definitely feeling us.

Gunther can jump hella far, bro.

- Hella far.
- Why does that matter?

You are so lucky because tonight
I am hosting

one of my very rare seminars

right here in the
conference room.

It only happen two,

maybe three times in a
weekend.

So, I trust I will see
all of you there?

We will definitely be there.
Are you kidding me?

A kid is a baby goat.

Laughter is organic message of
the universe and yet,

no human
vessel can contain it.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Make sure you go to the website because
the tickets, they go like hot cakes.

You know, they go so
fast.

- Paid.
- Ah, look how fast.

- Paid.
- So fast still.

Yeah, we're gonna need to check
our schedules

before we can commit.

When they commit to the seminar
what are they...

what are they paying for?

Steve,

Steve is the captain.
Captain Steve.

Just like the mouse...

the mouth

craves hydration.

Yeah, okay?

So the mind crave...

what is
human word for this?

Knowledge.

Do you know that the human brain

only uses 14% capacity?

The dog
uses 24% of the human brain.

How, Gunther?
I will tell you tonight.

I will tell you
tonight at the seminar.

I can't wait, man.

Why are we clapping?

Spirifresh has enlightened my brain
to know what my body is capable of.

Don't you want to know what our
bodies are capable of?

- Yes.
- Yes.

- Definitely. 100%.
- At the seminar...

Really I just work here during the
day, but my nights is off.

So now we must go up to the
room, okay, we unwind,

we meditate and then we make
love 1000 times.

But first what always is...
what always is... what always is safe?

Yes, safe.

My Lord.

Yes. Safe. Super safe. Yes.

Can you help me with my bags?

They're really heavy and your hands
look so strong and sexually satisfying.

Yup.

Allons y .

Have fun.

Who's she?

Kelly. Chief Concierge.

She's like the bell captain of
concierges.

Seems like you love her.

We went out a few times a while
back.

One night I was hanging at the bar after
hours, waiting to meet her for a dirty one.

- Eww.
- Martini, you perv.

Oh!

Anyway, one of the bartenders just so
happened to be a very handsome young lady.

She got an olive lodged in her
throat.

Everyone starts freaking out.

I hop over the bar and
start giving her the Heimlich,

but Kelly wasn't
familiar with that maneuver.

So, it looked like we were...

Ah, doinking.

Doinking.

That was it between
Kelly and I.

I've been trying
to get her back ever since.

- How's that going?
- I'm not good enough for her.

Well, if you don't think you're
good enough, why should she?

Maybe you should be the one
holding a conference.

Do you like this? I just want to make sure
I look cute at the after party tonight.

Yeah, you look cute.

What about this one?

It's great. They're both... I
like them both, you know.

So, I will see you tonight?

Uh-huh.

Go ahead and buy that ticket.

Oh, yeah. I'll just... I'll do it
when I get downstairs.

Ah...

Ah, you don't know how to
give massages, do you?

Yes, I do. I was captain of the
varsity massage... massage squad.

I have an idea. Come on.

- Can you believe that guy?
- Okay, he's a complete slime ball, right?

Oh, yeah. No question. I
mean it's a huge scam.

You know him?

Not personally. And this
Spirifresh thing is new.

It used
to be called Modern Divinity.

See, my aunt and uncle were
super into it,

they put up their
house, all their savings,

my uncle's foreign feather
collection, everything.

They lost it all thinking he was
going to make them rich.

Now they don't even have a feather to their
name. And those girls are in on it too.

Help keep an eye on the
guys for me, would you?

- But I hurt my wrist, Steve.
- God damn it.

I'll sit in the hot bath and you
can massage my neck

and then I'll figure out a way to pay you
back that's equally, physically gratifying.

Careful, you might get wet.

Not a problem.

Ooh, clean your hands
first. Okay, sweetie?

Of course.

Oh, go ahead and
buy that ticket, okay, honey?

Yes, of course.

Spirifresh.

All bought.

Do you know what
I'm gonna do now?

Nope.

I'm going to take a
moment to get ready.

Oh...

Oh, right.

Well, I'll be right outside

whenever you're ready to...

You're so cute.

So, my vacation days expire at
the end of the month.

I'm thinking about going to
Botswana, help build a school.

I just hope one of the babies is an orphan,
so I can sneak him home in my suitcase.

Well, why don't you just adopt?

Oh, no, no, the chances of getting
a white baby are way too high.

I love white babies.
I used to be one.

Sorry, didn't see you guys
there.

It's been a crazy day. Michael has me
taking care of a bunch of things for him,

you know, assistant manager
type of stuff.

Well, looks like you're just...

One second, hold that thought.
That's a go for Steve.

Yeah, we can move forward.

Ultimately, it is my decision to
make, so we're good to go there.

Great. Over.

It's part of my day-to-day now.

Just making decisions,
delegating,

trying to figure out what to do
with my significant pay raise.

How much you're making?

You never ask a woman her age,
Catherine.

You should know
that, seeing as how old you are.

Why don't you just keep begging
for tips,

maybe you can buy some tassles
for your handle bars.

What was it like giving hand
jobs during the Great Depression?

Kelly, um, what are you...
what are you doing later?

I'm going to dinner
with Mr. Whitman.

I'm actually at that dinner.

So that's... that'll be you,
me and Mr. Whitman and all the managers.

Probably, Alan too,
which will be great.

I'll see you then.

Oh, never stops. Sorry.

That's a go for
Steve. Yeah, no.

Let's go ahead
and hire that woman.

She is great for the job.

And let's... let's fire that kid.

Okay, over.

Guys, I would love to stay and
party,

but this hotel is not going to
assistant manage itself.

- So, I'll see you guys.
- Woah, who is assistant managing itself?

Steve is. Didn't you hear?

Is this true, Steven?

Yeah, yup that's what... yup.

Why wasn't I briefed on this?

That sounds like an Alan problem,
not really a Steve problem.

This is Ops for Alan.
We need you to bring in the robes.

We simply don't have the man
power down here.

Copy that. I'll
start collecting them.

This conversation
will be continued.

I look forward to it.

Yeah.

One demerit.

It was nice
chatting with you, Kelly.

Left, right. One, two. One,
two. One, two.

Now jab up.

See you tonight, sweetie. Make
sure your hands are clean.

Oh, they are definitely into us.

Yeah, and there is absolutely
nothing creepy about that.

No, no.

Hey, you about ready
for that massage?

Oh, honey. I'm not feeling well.

Okay.

I can make you feel better.

I'll see you tonight,
and we can do the massage then.

Are you sure?

Because you're here and I'm here
and the bath is already drawn.

I'm definitely sure. I'd
like you to leave now.

Okay.

Hey, Sarah, it's Brad.

I... um,
my clothes are in there.

So, I'm going to need my clothes
and... oh, and my cellphone.

My cellphone is in there.

B.I.T. There's a call for you.

- This one?
- Yeah. Pick it up.

B.I.... Shit. Josh speaking.

Josh, there's a horse
in the stable.

What?

Agamemnon is stuck in Troy.

Okay.

I need your help.
Trojan Suitcase.

What?

Read your handbook, Chapter
13. I'm in room 1312.

Thank you.

Shit.

You know, for the first time
ever, I can finally taste life.

Hey.

- Hi.
- You guys all right?

More than all right. Gunther
said I had what it takes.

To do what?

I'll find out tonight.

What about you?

Did you know that 75% of humans
beings

don't know the difference
between ratios and percentages?

I don't see how
that's important.

If you came tonight, you would
know why it is important.

Ah.

Did you know 100% of people who pay
for things impulsively are dum-dums?

Did you know that I 100%
believe in you?

Excuse me.

- B.I.T.
- Damn!

- What took you so long?
- I couldn't find Kevin.

Kevin is where Kevin always is,
next to Anteaus, Artmeis, and Leroy.

I found him eventually, but then Leroy made me
answer three riddles. It was a whole thing.

Hey, that's Leroy's job.

Why are you wearing a bikini?

Because I don't have my clothes

and for some reason there are
no robes in this room.

But why are you wearing the top?

It's spring.

What's going on in there?

Nothing. Well, I was trying to
hook up with this girl.

It was going really well, right.

She was giving me like all the
signs, you know,

and then she was like,
"Yeah." And I was like, "What?"

I was like, "Yeah."
And she was like, "No."

I went, "What? Because you
just said yeah."

Anyway, hashtag respect,
so I hung out here.

And I realized I left my
clothes in there and I was like,

"I'll come out because
there's probably robes here."

But there were no robes
in this room.

It's one of those
Spirifresh girls?

I don't know where she works.

But I'm guessing it's probably
one of those Spirifresh girls.

Okay, hop in. Let's
get you out of here.

Woah, woah, woah. Back up.

This isn't my first rodeo.

If only I hadn't pulled slime in
the real Ghostbusters ,

I wouldn't be going into another
Trojan suitcase.

- Hi, Alan.
- Joshua.

You can just call me Josh.

That's what I said. Joshua.

What's with the robes?

I'm removing them from all the rooms until
we find out who's been stealing them.

What was that?

I sneezed.

It sounded muffled.

My sneezes are muffled.

Why?

Deviated nose job.

Hmm.

- Oh.
- Ah!

Oh, hi! Here. Okay.

I'll take that, sir.

Okay. Oh, you're gonna take that
for me. Thank you so much.

Is there anything else
we can do for you?

No, I'm actually off to see the
concierge.

I was going to arrange a tour of
your local lettuce facilities.

Excellent choice.

Yes. I will see you later.

Okay, okay. Enjoy.

Joshua.

I think this is going
to have a profound impact.

You got to be kidding me.
What the hell is this?

We wanted to give our guests a
chance to join

just in case they're yet not aware
of the wonders of Spirifresh.

Gunther says we'll get
a cut of each one sold.

You mean like a pyramid scheme?

Not cash, my gentle warrior. A
percentage of our soul.

That's much less crazy.

- Josh, what the shit is this?
- Trojan Suitcase.

I can see that. What are
you doing with it?

Did you authorize a B.I.T. to
execute a Trojan, yes?

Shut your mouth. I did not.
I'm just learning of this.

It has to be approved by a bell
captain.

I would never have allowed it.
Too much risk.

I'm sorry, Steve.
No one was around.

Josh, will you get me out
of here so I can meet Tony Danza?

Just get Brad to safety so he
can change.

It's almost time for afternoon
check-ins.

Faster, Josh.

- I'm trying.
- You move so weird.

- You guys are really in deep...
- Hello, Steven. Have you seen Joshua?

I have some items I
need to discuss with him.

Alan, you know what? Josh just went on
break. Anything I can help you with?

Currently no. It's
Joshua I need.

Revised check-in list is here.

Thank you so much, Stacey.

Alan, we really need to attend to our bell
duties. Priorities, you understand that?

Maybe we can reconvene
in an hour or so?

Yes, of course. As you were.

Oh, thank God! I could barely
breathe in there.

I'm sorry about that, Brad.
Where are the extra uniforms?

Wait, why didn't you just have
me bring you a uniform?

- Because it's spring.
- Yeah.

Here you go.

Hey, Josh.

You killed it today.

What?

I like it.

Me too, Leroy. Me too.

- Come on down, Kelly.
- No, Patty. Patty.

- Don't think...
- Patty, I need you to take this seriously.

- Shut up.
- Bye.

- Hello!
- Oh!

Hello.

- Go ahead.
- Okay. Can I help you?

What even is this?

Help.

What is help?

I have noticed something
about you when we met before.

I'm sorry, we met before?

It was not in this life.

It was on another planet called
Maple First.

It looks exactly like
Earth. You can't even tell.

It's the same carpet on the
wall, everything.

But it does not have
the restraints

of man and woman.

Is there something I
can help you with?

It's clear you have questions.

I clearly have answers.

Do you
feel my foot on your foot?

That's not me.

There's something under the
table that feels like a foot.

Kelly, look.

You need to come tonight.

I'm not sure that I can.

What's fun to do in the area?

Would you like a brochure?

Yeah, yeah. For sure, yeah.
This is kind of why I came.

All right, kid. You
ready for check-ins?

I was born...

Ready.

I think he was going to say, "I was
born ready." But I think I punched him.

Congratulations, your future
husband is a very lucky man.

I'm not going to cheat
on him with you.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I... I didn't
mean that. I have a girlfriend.

So, I'm... I'm happy there in
that capacity.

You don't think I'm pretty?

I don't want to go
inside the hotel.

Pick a card, any card.

But that's a bird.

Magic.

- We want ice-cream.
- We want ice-cream.

- We want ice-cream.
- We want ice-cream.

- We want ice-cream.
- We want ice-cream.

I don't usually do this, but I'm going
to give you some free financial advice.

Oh, yeah. Apple, Amazon?

No, that's the past. You want
to buy polyurethane.

Like plastics?

No, like sex dolls. We all
need them.

Or Wahlburgers.

Sir, I'm gonna help you
with that. Toss me that.

Hey, get back here.

Bravo!

Check-in's this way.

Josh.

You engaged in a Trojan suitcase
without approval of your bell captain.

But due to the circumstances,

I will approve it
postquam factum.

Congratulations, you've passed
the second stage.

Hey, hey. Congrats on passing
stage two, Josh.

Aw, thanks guys.

Dude, this is for the Brennan's
birthday party.

I'm sorry.

Those are Make-a-Wish kids.

They had one wish. Cake.

What now?

I need to be at that dinner
with Whitman.

- Why?
- Because I lied to Kelly again.

What? Why would you...

You're really putting me in a
bad spot here.

- Mr. Whitman's going to be here any minute.
- Yeah, I know.

I will talk to Susan. Stop
lying to people!

We can party in my
yacht tomorrow.

Here he comes.

Steve, hey Steve.

We crushed this afternoon rush
and we were thinking,

can we clock out
early for Spirifresh?

Are you sure you want to?
He's...

I've
never been more sure in my life.

Let me go talk to Brad
for a minute. Cool?

- Yeah. Cool. Awesome.
- Thank you. Steve, thank you.

Not here.

Hey, man.

Thanks for coming.

I need to come clean.

And I trust you.

I'm trying to get a promotion.

I know. I don't like
it happening this way,

but it's my only shot of getting
Kelly back.

Have you tried like telling her
how you feel? Being honest?

Wow. What is it, 1958?

Look, this is what's happening,
and I just need your support.

It's fine, Steve.

It's your life.
You call the shots.

We're just the bellmen helping bring
bags to the little hotel in your brain.

That's not true.

You guys are
more than just bellmen.

Hey!

So are you!

If you think getting promoted
will help you get the girl,

then you go for it.

Whatever you do, just know
that we have your back.

Just make sure it's the right
decision.

Thank you, brother.

Thank you for being honest.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go check on JJ and
Tyler. I'm worried about them.

Yeah, I got to finish up here.

- We both got stuff to do.
- Yeah, all right. All right.

- See you back at the...
- At the hotel.

- Where we work.
- Yeah.

If not, I'll text you
later. Same number?

- Good to see you, Brad.
- You too.

Lot of sun screen. I like that.

Oh, you like that?

- Can you untie me now?
- Did you learn your lesson?

- Yeah.
- You're going to do a Trojan ass without an official A?

Yeah. No. No. No. God, no. Absolutely not.
I've learned. I've learned.

Good.

Brad.

Brad. Are you gonna untie me?

Brad.

Um, hello?

Guys. Hey, guys?

Guys.

Okay, I'm only going
to do this once,

because right now my
consciousness

is being violently penetrated by
wisdom genitals.

Okay. Well, I'm heading out.

Just wanted to let you know
Mr. Whitman is arriving soon.

Susan asked to make sure someone
was there to greet him.

Well, I think Mr. Whitman needs to greet
himself first, if you know what mean.

Just don't piss him off.

Or Susan, I guess.

Whatever. You
guys are weird.

- Adios, Santiago.
- Adios, Stacey. Have a wonderful evening.

Goodnight, Stacey.

Steven. I need to speak to you.

Ah, what's up Alan?

I examined the employee log in
human resources

and there's no information about
your pending promotion.

Oh, yeah.

It happened super last minute, so,
probably hasn't been updated yet.

I checked with payroll and there's no start
paperwork submitted for the wage increase.

I actually agreed to maintain my
bellman rate

until I have sufficiently trained
our newest bellman hire, Josh.

- Whom you've met.
- Yes, Joshua, met I have.

Great.

But there's a different
insurance

which covers management

and the paperwork for that
hasn't been submitted yet either.

Well, yes.

That's because since we've employed
the new cashless tipping app, Bravo,

we also implemented a new
paperless paper app

called Paper.

That can't be,

I would know if there was some new
app that we were supposed to have...

It's brand new, super new.
Literally just happened.

Like we
guys were talking about it.

It's getting launched.

I just got a text about it in
the old palm pilot.

So, you know, so that's that.

You know what, Alan?

This seems like there's still a lot
of information to be picked up on.

So, I'm gonna talk...

I'm going to go find... to Brad
about...

What would Brad know?
He's just a common bellman.

- Oh, wow.
- Alan, how dare you?

- I'm right here.
- Brad is one of our top employees,

and actually probably in line
to replace me as bell captain.

- Really?
- You know what? Yeah, I think so.

When my promotion is
complete.

- Congratulations again on your promotion.
- Thank you so much.

I'm going to go talk to Susan.

Great. Tell her I said hi.

Tell her we said what up.

I'm sorry, I got stuck, all
right. These guys are worthless.

Worth is only measured less by the man who
values less worth than what he's actually worth.

Thus, worthlessness cannot be worth
less than what it is, worthless.

Okay. If Alan talks to Susan,
he's going to know there's no promotion.

And we're gonna be screwed.

What are you doing?

This is Ops, for Alan.

Okay, go for Alan.

Hey, man.

We have an emergency situation on
our hands and I need help, ASAP.

One of the guests is...

...molesting a saguaro.

What?

Yeah, man. We need a manager to
go down there

and sort of oversee the
proceedings, and you know.

Can't Michael handle it?

Are you kidding me, man? Michael
is decapitated.

What about Steven?

Steven! Are you kidding me? That
guy is a boner.

I can't have a
boner go down there.

Are you not listening to me?
Is this thing on?

I need you and your big balls.

Come again?

Smart calls.

Okay, I understand.

Where do you need me?

- What...
- Say something.

- What?
- Where is the saguaro being molested?

Twelfth hole, pal.

The golf course?

Yes, the golf course. What other holes do
we have around here? Don't answer that.

Okay, copy that. I'm on my way.

It's the boss. Ha-ha,
you're finally here.

Tigron, how are you?

Very good. Very good. Don't worry.
We will take very good care of your car.

Tigron, this isn't just a car.

This is the most magnificent
thing I've ever put my ass in.

If you ask it nicely, it'll make
coffee for you.

Press drive, take a nap.
Go for a spin.

This thing is so smart, it could
raise my children if I asked it to.

I have extra baby just so
vehicle can raise it.

How's your brother, Davit?

I am excellent, sir,
just excellent.

Ah, Davit. Good to see you. All
right, let me see.

That's 25 bucks for you.

- Thank you.
- 25 dollars for you.

And do me a favor,
take it easy on the bellmen, would you?

I'd rather have
khachkar melt my balls.

I understand. Take care, boys.

Davit, get in the car.

Hello...

Susan, there's something urgent
I need to discuss with you.

Not urgent. Sid now. Sid now.

Hey, there they are! The best
management team in the business.

How are you guys? Oh, I've been
away for so long I missed you guys.

Welcome back, Sid.

- Where's Alan?
- He's probably held up with a guest.

- Okay.
- Mr. Whitman.

Really? You insult me like this?

How many times have I told you?
You don't call me Mr. Whitman.

You call me Sid. You understand
me? Call me Sid.

- Yes, Mr. Whitman.
- Much better.

- Can I take your bag?
- No. It's mine.

I don't know it crosses, it
crosses. Oh, you forgot.

Good to see you, buddy.

Hello.

You there.

Are you okay?

Have you been attacked?

Do you need an adult?

Did you see the incident?

Alan for Operations.

Go for Ops.

I'm at the 12th hole.

Mazel tov.

Where is the molested saguaro?

I'm not sure what you mean, sir.

You called me to tend to the
12th hole

to diffuse a situation involving
a molested saguaro.

You weren't called by us, sir.

Yo, they got Alan again!

Steven.

Two demerits.

Dinner is ready whenever
you'd like to eat.

- Fantastic.
- Steve will join us as well.

Oh. Well, why?

I... I told him he could.
Plus, he's very hungry.

- Hello, Mr. Whitman.
- The next person that calls me Mr. Whitman is out of here.

I'm very sorry, Mrs. Whitman.

Very good.

That I like. Come here.

Ah, it's good to see you.
And congratulations on that pin thingy.

Thank you.

- Let's eat.
- Yes.

You know what, I'm going to
catch up with you guys in a bit.

I got a few things to finish up
here, first.

All right, let's go.

Come on.

I feel so joyous.

Yes, yes.

We're attending the conference.

Gonna mess around and
change our lives completely.

You guys did well today.

No, we hit the ATM.

Gunther likes to challenge his
disciples in the crowd

and if you can outbid your neighbor
then you'll get a clue to the universe.

Come, brother JJ, to
the conference

and we will suckle from the tit of
perfection and life wondering wisdom.

Namaste.
Now, I'm gonna go. You stay.

How did you get free?

Honestly, I don't know.

I passed out from what I assume was lack
of blood circulation and dehydration. Both.

I came to and I was free.

I did see a big Native American
dude walking away.

I tried calling out, but
everyone around here

likes to dramatically walk away and not
answer when people call out to them.

Wait, Brad.

Josh?

Head to room 3158, pronto.

I'm trusting you.

I'm sending
you to Gunther's room.

I need you to find something,
anything that will help us take him down.

Okay, I'll see what I can do.

Wait, Steve.

Welcome to Spirifresh.

And now, the closest thing we
have to a god on Earth,

the answer to all of our
problems,

Gunther Gochamonet.

Why does the mind

always is trying to make the body
play hookey from your relevance?

I'm on my journey,

I'm starting out this
way, yeah, but then I end up.

I end up over here.
Why am I hookey?

But tonight,

I will teach you.

If you're into a cherry
oak vibe,

with an after taste not
unlike a Russian winter,

- I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
- Wait, wait, wait.

This is the Malbec?

No, that's the tap water.

Never push the tap water, kid.

Of course.

If I may say, you are as
handsome as you are funny.

We only hire the finest.

Well, then how the hell
did Alan get a job?

Oh, Sid, he was a qualified
applicant.

I'm kidding. I love Alan. You
know what I'm going to have?

I'm going to have a Simmzy's
Beach Cruiser.

Oh, two Simmzy's Beach
Cruisers. One for my pal, Steve.

That is an excellent choice.

Now, on the specials menu tonight
we have a Cornish Game Hen,

Kentucky blue grass fed and raised with her
parents and half siblings in attendance.

She was given a community
college education,

but she spent her
winters at summer camp.

Everything okay?

Yeah, the Spirifresh thing is...

I'm just trying to make sure
everything's okay.

Well, I'm proud of you.

Thank you. For what?

Well, taking the initiative to
move up.

It means a lot. It's a big deal.

Just knowing that getting a
promotion matters, means something.

It's half the battle.

Exactly.

You don't need to do.
You need to just try.

Get one shot. Lose myself in the
moment.

Take my mom's spaghetti.
Baby, I'm a firework.

Ain't
nobody gonna hold me down.

Oh,
oh, I got to keep on moving.

Backstreet's back all right.

Something like that.

We can talk
about it more after dinner.

Maybe for a dirty one?

- I mean...
- You finished with your intimate moments? Proceed.

Thank you. I don't want you to
take my word for it.

When we say farm to table, we
mean farm to table.

Wait till you see how
fresh the fish is.

Okay, hold up. Hold up.

So, you
mean to tell me that she was hot

and then she wasn't hot and
then she was hot again?

- Bro, it's the method.
- I love chicks too.

- I love pizza.
- Not as much as I love chicks. DKE.

You are walking.

You are walking on the cloud.

And the cloud looks up to you
and says,

"Oh, hi. How's it going
up there? Yeah."

And you reply...

As long as I know who
I am, I am well.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

Using
your sense of ears like a bear.

With our minds
we begin to urinate

and then for real into
our pants.

We come to 18.
He hits an errand ball into the woods.

We can't find it. I said,
you know what?

Just drop a ball,
because I'm a good guy.

Hits a tree, bounces out of
bounds, I win the hole.

You know why?
Because I'm a good guy.

And I'm here today

because I'm a nice
guy with some very bad news.

I'm selling the hotel.

I was
approached by this big investor

who has an in with the Indian
Reservation and Gaming Board

and he wants to turn the place
into a casino and I...

I don't qualify for that.
And I love this place.

I love you guys,

but it's hard to keep this place
profitable,

and Samantha says she wants to
move to Florida.

And when the
wife says "jump," you say,

"Let's move to Florida."

But our jobs are safe, right?

See, this we don't know because
they're rebranding.

They're gonna turn the conference
rooms into gaming tables, and slots.

I don't know the details. I just
know that... Alan, you made it.

Yes, I did. But I'm not the only
one who made it to the top

of the ladder of lies.

Alan, you look like hell.

- Yeah, let's get you cleaned up.
- No, I'm not getting cleaned up.

- You all need to know what's...
- Steve! I'm so sorry to interrupt.

- Steve, I need to show you something.
- No!

It's my turn to talk. Steve
has been lying to me.

Lying to all of you.

He is not the Assistant Front
Office Manager.

He is a bell captain.
And that's it.

- What is he talking about?
- I don't know, Susan.

He has been impersonating a
manager, and that is a felony.

I don't think that's a felony.

Alan, you're very sweaty.

He led me to believe that he was
up for a very specific job

and then he was parading it all
around the hotel.

There are liability issues,
ethics issues.

He should be fired!

Okay, all right. All right. Just
hold on. Just calm down.

Stop the music.

What the hell is
going on?

I have proof that Gunther is using
Sanz Hand, Sanz Hand, Sanz Hands

hand sanitizer
to brainwash his followers.

Let me see that.

You went into his room?

You broke into a guest's room?

I think that's a felony.

Well, yes but not because...

I told him to.

I was trying to prove that Gunther
is conning everyone with Spirifresh.

Who the hell is Gunther?

That's not Gunther, that's Chief Macanopy.
He's the guy who's buying the hotel from me.

Who's Chief Macanopy?

- This doesn't add up.
- You're selling the hotel?

- Yes.
- Will we get to keep our jobs?

We don't know. They're rebranding.
We'll tell you later.

We got to get to
that conference.

Wait.

He has to be fired.

You should be fired.

He should be fired.

Your smoked tilapia.

- Enjoy.
- One demerit.

Put the money in the basket.

Mortgage your home.

Mortgage your
children.

You got lovely
children.

My kind of guy.

Management.

Oh.

Wait, wait! He should be fired!

- Alan.
- Ah!

Oh my God. It's worse
than we thought.

We'll do anything, if you
give Gunther your money.

No, this is bad.

Stop. Stop!

Hey, stop it!

This man is a sham!

- Who is this guy?
- Sit down!

I know you all want to make your
lives better.

And I know you think this guy is
going to do that. But he's not.

Okay?

What has he done for you?

What
has he done for any of you?

What physical product has he
actually provided?

- Let's get him!
- Let's get him with some violence.

We don't rip him limb from limb. We do
not attack. We are peaceful people, yeah?

Steve, the physical product is

the metaphysical being.

It's hard for him to learn.

What the hell does that mean?
What are you clapping for?

Yes.

Why are you crying, man?

Okay. Okay.

Then what's with all the
Sanz Hands hand sanitizer?

What's it called?

Sanz Hands hand sanitizer.

I believe in clean hands, guys.

You can't just clap for
everything he says.

I'd like to clarify that. You can applaud
everything I say. It's no problem.

Shh.

Okay, okay.

Well, Gunther, well, why do you have
a thousand bottles of this stuff?

- Ew, gross.
- Damn it, Josh.

OMG, that's hot.

- That right there, not appropriate.
- Come on.

Ah-ha! That!

I suffer from mysophobia,

which is a fear of germs.

One that is debilitating.

Then I read the teachings of Khatkhate
Baba who showed me the way of clean.

The way of the Sanz Hands
hand sanitizer

which also was leading me on the
path to Spirifresh.

Okay, if you buy in
bulk, like larger bottles,

you could probably save a lot of
money that way.

Just look at me, Josh.

It's like the Eskimo.

Like the Eskimos!

Thank you, Josh. We love him.
We love you.

I love Josh. I love Josh.
I love him here too.

Okay, this is classic behavior.

This is called poor conductor,

because he sees
the choo-choo train,

a successful man is going and he
wants to derail this poor conductor.

I know.

What the hell is the
matter with you?

Boo this man.

- Boo. Shame!
- Oh yeah.

Shame!

You think this is about
me not being happy?

Let us ask Shteve. Say
it out loud, Shteve.

- Shteve.
- It's Steve.

Where were you 27
years ago, hmm?

I was training here
as a bellman.

Are you in a successful
relationship?

Have you accomplished any of
your dreams?

Well Shteve, say it, Shteve.

Shteve.

That's not my name.

What does your father think of
you, huh?

Okay, when you're
ready, we're here for you.

Happy birthday.

Today could be the day
that you get born.

Yeah?

I'm going to give you a brochure
for Spirifresh.

Hmm.

Good, Shteve. Now, we have the new
perfect people here and let's get to it.

I... I don't know exactly what
you were trying to prove here,

but this... this... this is
unacceptable.

Chief Macanopy,
I got to tell you,

at the meeting I really prefer the
headdress and the feathers and everything,

but right now you look thinner,
you look great.

Oh, I love you. I love you.

You are fired.

And you're
fired too, Joshua.

I was trying to save the
hotel and this is what... Ah!

Hola .

Is there a guy named
Steve here?

Oh, great.

Is there a gringo ?

Okay, I'm
guessing Steve isn't here.

Good guess.

Steve.

The Steve you knew is long gone.

Around here my family calls me
" idiota sin hogar ."

Your family? It's only
been a couple of days.

Yeah, well we got close.

It's a little inside joke
with the pueblo .

You heard the
lady, I ain't leaving.

This is the new Steve, baby.

You know, donkeys can think for
themselves.

That's why they're
better than horses.

Here you go, buddy.

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Remember when we used to eat out
of the palm of our own hands?

Psyche, we never did.

I don't miss you at all.

Steve...
Get out of my way, dude.

He's standing on my toes now.

Retreat.

Retreat.

You need to eat something.

Steve, you can't give up, man.

Why not?

I have nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

That's not true.

You know, I tried to end it all.

I bought a gun. I was going to
shoot myself in the face.

Steve.

A couple of priests convinced
me not to and stole my gun.

I think they were priests.

You got a lot to live for.

You got the job, the hotel.

After you left, Sid told Alan
everyone makes mistakes.

He was way out
of line for firing you.

Sid chased after you and tried to give you
your job back, but you were already gone.

Sid chased after me?

Good guy.

What about Kelly?

She seems more sad than anything
to be honest.

If you go back
and tell her the truth...

Oh, dude. She knows the truth.

What's the point? We're all
getting fired anyway.

Yeah, maybe.

Or maybe not.

I got an idea that can stop the
sale and keep our jobs,

but you got
to come back with me right now.

Look at me, I'm a mess.

Well, let's get you cleaned up,
brother, starting with some clothes.

Do it for Steve.

Come on. Come on.

About time.

There we go.

Well, hello little lady,
couldn't help...

Turn off, turn off. Why? Why?

Dude, why are you punching meat?

You just need to go back, make some
apologies and fill out some paperwork.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

I'll miss you most, carnicero.

For you family.

Hey, Josh.

Wow.

Look, I know I screwed up, man.

All right, you should've never
trusted me.

But for what it's worth,

I thought you always had what it
takes to make a great bellman.

Yeah, so?

I mean what's the
difference now? This is my life.

I want to make things right.

I want to get our jobs back, go
back to the way things were.

Why should I listen to you now?

I don't know, okay. I've been
through some shit, man.

Gained some serious perspective.

I moved to Mexico, befriended a
donkey...

Yeah, Steve, Steve. That's just
it. It's all about you.

It's always all about you.

I mean, Steve is the quarterback
and the defense

and everybody else is
just cheerleaders.

Steve is the all-beef patty, and we're
all just lettuce, tomato, onions.

Steve is the sun rotating
around all of us stupid planets.

You're right, I was only
thinking about what I wanted.

But it's not about me.

I get that now.

It's about us.

It's about you guys.

It's about the bellmen.

Also, you know the planets
revolve around the sun, right?

Sure, Steve.

Whatever you say.

Yeah, well I do. So do a lot of
people as it's a scientific fact.

It's actually making me think, you know,
less of you when you say stuff like that.

Let's just go back
to the hotel, huh?

All right. Oh, wait.

Do you happen to have any
connections inside the bank?

The manager, I guess. He's
the one who hired me.

Awesome. Can you introduce us?

Sure.

Hey Banky, this is Steve.

Shit. Nightshift.

You doing okay?

- Oh, hi Steve.
- Hey, man.

Yeah, we kind of um, we
kinda ran out of money.

- Ah...
- We're broke. Okay, we spent all our money on Spirifresh.

Gunther promised us
enlightenment.

And what did he deliver?

Hand sanitizer.

Brad.

Steve.

Surprised to see you here.

Well, I'm back.

And I want to
make things right.

Looks like
you got a promotion?

Yeah, when you left, Susan
thought we needed

a new Assistant Front Office
Manager, so.

Who's bell captain these days?

- I think Rhonda.
- That makes sense.

She wrestled skinny Jeremy
in Cashew milk.

I would've paid to
see that.

What's up, kid?

Hey, Brad.

What's the plan?

No plan.

- You just going to wing it?
- Yeah.

Michael's the reason I'm
back here.

Truth be told I was very content
in the desert with Steve.

You took up a lover?

No. Steve is my donkey.

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

You took up a lover?

Brad, I'm into people.

Mike. What's the game plan?

Well, I'm gonna tell
you, but not here.

The bell closet.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Fine. C'mon.

Wait, you and your donkey
had the same name?

- So, what happens...
- You gonna stay here right now?

Oh, God!

Hello, Alan.

Hi, Kelly.

I was just um, checking
the floor for buoyancy.

I was spying on the bellmen.

Nice work, man.

27 years.

You got the files?

This is perfect.

All right, listen up guys,
I need you to meet me here tonight.

Here in the bell closet?

No, the Spirifresh conference
in the ballroom at 7:00 p.m.

Why did you need to
tell us that here?

Oh, I didn't. I just hadn't seen this place
in a while and figured this was my chance.

Ooh.

That was a friendship slap.

♪ Friend slap
Baby, friend slap ♪

♪ Friend slap
Baby, friend slap ♪

♪ Friend slap ♪

It was worth it.

It always is.

♪ Baby friend slap ♪

Guys, we got to go, we got to
go. We got to get out of here.

♪ Friend slap ♪

Hey, what are you guys
doing until 7:00?

Um, hello?

Hi, I'm Leroy.

I'm Alan.

Let's finish early tonight.

I want to get home.

Oh, I cannot do that for you because
time is a construct of the mind.

So, I don't know when we're going to...

Fine. 9:00-9:30 latest.

Und the reason

that Snoopy und Woodstock never
speak to the other Peanuts

is because Snoopy and Woodstock

are the ghosts of dead children.

What am I doing here? I sign
the contracts tomorrow.

Mr. Whitman, before you sign anything
there's something you need to see.

And I ask you,
who controls your heart?

Hmm. It's not who you
think. It's you.

- Steve controls our heart.
- No, that was a separate thought.

Today is the day that I prove to
my friends and previous employers

that I am worthy of
not just a paycheck.

But a journey of responsibility.

I have proof that Gunther is
going to sign a deal

to buy the hotel tomorrow and he's
going to turn it into an Indian Casino.

- Who cares?
- He's making us perfect.

Gunther is not even
Native American.

Nor does he have the
collateral for the loan.

He's a fraud. I have here in my
hand...

He has no proof.

Proof.

Oh, wow. He's got proof.

This is his birth certificate.

Look at this, he's not
Chief Macanopy.

His name isn't even Gunther
Gochamonet, which is a little on the nose.

This is his business license.

You'll notice he
misspelled LLC.

All fake. It means nothing without
my Lender Agreement from the bank.

And this is his Lender
Agreement from the bank.

Shite!

And we have Banky to thank for that info.
Give Banky a round of applause.

He is scamming you,
he is scamming the great state of Arizona,

he is scamming the great city of
Tucson, and Sid, he's scamming you.

This is a bunch of BS... pardon
my language.

Because I'll tell
you right now, this is fake.

And there's a whole other point
of view, in which what I said was true.

I'm just sick of the white
man's lies.

Sister, you and me
both, yeah?

Very different story than what
you hear right now from this...

Guess what? Psycho big bird's the
one been stealing all the robes.

That could be any robe anywhere.

- No, that is the robes...
- It could be from any place.

- Those are our robes.
- That's... this is not...

I will not be part of this... I
will not be a witch hunt.

Stop him!

Told you he jumps
a hell of a lot.

Holy G! Is that...?

Sauggie!

The cactus.

Sauggie's back. Sauggie's
finally back.

But how did you find
all of this out?

Yucopicio's been trailing
Gunther for months.

He's a double agent
for the Indian Gaming Commission.

Sauggie, he's a triple agent.

Conditions were tough.

We almost lost them.

Now that the case has
been cracked,

something tells me things are going to
get a little bit easier for Sauggie.

Right, buddy? Ah, prick.

Take him away, Banky.

Now, needless to say, this deal
is off.

You know what? I'm not moving
down to Florida with my wife.

I'm staying right here in
Tucson.

Guys, guys, I found out who's been
stealing the robes. It was Gunther.

Nice work, Alan. You do
a good job around here.

Aw, thanks.

Well it looks like everything's
wrapped up the way it should...

Kelly.

- Who's Kelly?
- Chief Concierge.

Her and Steve used to
date.

Kelly, uh,

I need you to know
that I have a crush on you,

like, I like you more than a
friend.

I have dreams about you.

Not like weird, like sexual
dreams.

Dreams of like taking you out for dinner,
or spending time with you on a Sunday.

I want to be with you, Kelly.
I want...

Now, come on now, Kelly.
Give him a chance.

I don't know, Patty. I mean,
I'm not sure he's ready...

Shut up, bitch!

Thanks, Patty.

- Getting held up at gunpoint...
- Shut up and just go get her.

So, 27 years.

♪ I can't stop lovin' you ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll follow
This whole thing through ♪

♪ So I know you feel it too ♪

Did you know Steve and Kelly
had something going on?

It's the first time I'm
hearing about it.

This is... this is terribly
inappropriate with misconduct.

Ah, Susan. Love is love.

Did you know Alan and Susan had
something going on too?

They're great. They've
always been a thing.

I am married with many, many,
many children, but this makes sense.

It's a happy ending
for everyone.

What do we do now?

Who are we supposed to give our
money to now?

If you haven't already, download
the Bravo tipping app,

and send
your money to me, Josh.

Josh?

Josh, guys, Josh.

I'm gonna app Josh.

Bravo! Bravo!

I sent all my money to
Josh.

Steve, if you'd like that promotion,
the job of manager is yours.

Thank you, Susan. But I like
being a bellman.

A lot.

Yes.

Plus, Brad's doing a
pretty bang up job.

Thanks, man.

Oh, that reminds me.
I almost forgot.

Josh, I hereby decree that you have
successfully completed stage three.

When?

When you helped us
save the hotel!

Congrats, Josh.

You are officially a bellman.

Oh.

Congratulations, stupid idiot.

Finally, one of us.

- Yeah, stupid idiot.
- Know your place.

Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh!

Wait,

so the third stage was you pretending
to get a promotion to get Kelly back,

and the guys falling into the
trap of a con artist

who manipulates his
followers out of money,

while also lying about his
heritage in order to buy the hotel

and me having to figure all that out was
the final stage of becoming a bellman?

- Yeah.
- Spot on, dude.

Yeah, that's pretty much
the plot of this movie.

Rolling. Mark, and
action.

She wrestled boney Jeremy.
Hold on. I got this.

Who's bell captain these days?

Tight Rhonda. That wasn't it.

Who cares, he's
shaking his head.

She wrestled skinny Jeremy.

- Do that one again.
- Yeah.

If you want to go back and live the
sweet bellman life, that's fine with me,

but God damn it,
I got a donkey and he's body checking me.

There's plenty of me
to go around, baby.

Oh, Steve.

Eat it, man. We practiced this.
Come on, my fucking friends are watching.

Do it. Do it. Do it.

Listen, listen, dude.

Do it. Do it.

A kid and a goat, laughter
is not something...

No. Cool.

He like gave me notes like as
if these lines made sense.

What the fuck? Okay.

Congratulations, baby.

Thanks, Patty.

That's so great. We getting
fucked up tonight.

- Oh, you know that, girl.
- Shots, shots, shots.

Shteve is a real human being.

Forgot that you were there and
the cameras were on.

You wanna fuck?

Sure.

All right, let's cut.

You knew,
you knew this was going to happen.

I mean, obviously.