The Bed Sitting Room (1969) - full transcript
Set in post-nuclear-holocaust England, where a handful of bizarre characters struggle on with their lives in the ruins, amongst endless heaps of ash, piles of broken crockery and brick, muddy plains, and heaps of dentures and old boots. Patriotically singing "God Save Mrs. Ethel Shroake, Long Live Mrs. Ethel Shroake", they wander through this surrealistic landscape, forever being warned by the police to "keep moving", and prone to the occasional mutation into a parrot, cupboard, or even, yes, a bed sitting room with "No Wogs" scrawled in the grime on its windows. In particular, this story revolves around the odd "love story" of a girl who lives with her parents in one compartment of a London Underground train, the commuter in the next compartment, and the doctor they meet after returning above ground in search of a nurse for the heavily pregnant girl.
Wake up! Wake up!
Sergeant, wake that man up.
Constable, liven that man up
with your truncheon.
Get his feet moving!
Remember, you're
electricity man to the whole nation.
Rubber? Rubber?
Eh?
Yes. Coming, coming, coming!
Good evening. I mean that most sincerely.
- I am the BBC, as you can see.
- Oh!
And here was the last news.
On this, the third,
or is it the fourth anniversary
of the nuclear misunderstanding
which led to the Third World War,
here is the...
Oh, sod!
...here is the...
...of the Third World War,
here is the last recorded statement...
...of the Prime Minister, as he then was,
...who had just succeeded his
illustrious father into office.
"I feel I am not boasting
when I remind you that this was,"
"...without a shadow of a doubt,
the very shortest war in living memory."
"Two minutes, 28 seconds,
up to and including the grave process..."
"...of signing the peace
treaty fully blotted."
"The great task of burying
our 40 million dead..."
"...was also carried out
with great expediency and good will."
"You know this great country of ours
often sticks in the mud of past,"
"...searches out and holds up
to the light the mistakes of past times."
That man! Damn him! Haig the Butcher.
I shall tell the world. Look at that!
Another chap butchered. Oh, the horror!
Oh, the horror! I can't look!
"We eat our hearts out
with the canker of racialism..."
"...and death east of Suez."
"But I am forced to ask,
have we forgotten the bomb?"
The Prime Minister had, as you all know,
...just returned from the 449th
Disarmament Conference...
...and was greeted on
the steps of Number 10 by Mao Tse-tung.
The Chairman has invited me kindly in.
I can't say very much at the moment,
...but there will be some pretty hard
bargaining, you may be sure.
That's all.
Thank you very much, gentlemen, thank you.
Ah, Lord Fortnum. BBC Television.
Off the cuff, while we're
waiting for a statement,
...I like your hat, I do.
Do you? Do you say that?
I tell you, it's the
latest early warning hat.
It gives you that extra
four minutes in bed.
I never wore a hat in bed, I've been
a Catholic person for a long time now,
...and I wouldn't know where to begin.
Is this your car, sir?
It is, I acquired it from Lord Snowdon.
- Not the Lord Snowdon?
- No, a Lord Snowdon.
Ah, yes, the woods are full of them.
Goodbye, sir.
Said that very well, didn't he?
The Prime Minister...
The Prime Minister is coming out.
- Prime Minister, can you say...
- Yes, I can say.
I can say without any
fear of contradiction,
...after some pretty tough
bargaining, I can say,
...we have finally fixed the rent of
Number 10 at an undisclosed figure...
...of 100 yen pounds per week.
This lease means peace in our time.
That, I'm afraid, was the end of the news.
Our next scheduled programme
will be on August Bank Holiday,
...when Charlton Heston will
wrestle His Holiness the Pope...
...for the Sportsman of the Year title.
Until then, all walk backwards
into long shot while good night is given.
♪ God save Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
♪ Long live Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
♪ God save Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
♪ Of 393A High Street, Leytonstone ♪
Good night.
Here! Here!
Come out of that television set.
It's our turn for the telly news.
- Oh, is it?
- Are you the District Visiting Announcer?
Yes, that's right. Have you any requests?
Can you do the fall of Singapore?
Oh, yes, certainly.
Tonight, Japanese invasion forces
reached Singapore.
Oh, dear!
- Ah!
- I didn't quite catch the name.
Are you a doctor, Doctor?
- I advertise.
- No boots. I don't wear them.
And I don't travel in them.
Don't be sharp with me, young man.
My card.
"Kennington and District Steam Laundry."
Oh, I am pleased to meet you.
Oh, no, that's not me.
I've let the space for advertising.
I am other side, Lord Fortnum of Alamein,
...I acquired the title from
a soldier person...
...who found himself on hard times.
With psychiatry or army surplus?
I think he had to do with all of that.
And table lamps were negotiable.
We all got one.
I don't require surgery.
I shall decide that, Lord Fortnum.
Now, do you want
it privately or on the National Health?
- Yes.
- What?
Yes, I want it privately,
on the National Health.
Ah! You're home early tonight, Father.
- The last bar on the Circle Line.
- Oh!
I think I'll have a smoke.
One of these days, you'll not come back.
Be brought back
by the health visitor, smoking.
You know, and yet you persist,
...you know that I don't approve
of you leaving the compartment.
She doesn't get enough exercise
on the whole.
After all, it's been...
How long's it been?
It's been since... Dear?
That, since the... Since, well...
Still, we've managed very well.
I expect it's the choccy bars.
I like my women chubby built.
I think she smokes
to try to keep her weight down.
Oh, I wish there was more people
of her own age on the Circle Line...
...she could perhaps smoke with.
It'll be a damn fast habit, Mother.
Oh, she's always at it.
Ah, Well...
Now, look here,
there's a limit to what I'll do, you know.
Is there? Well, let's go as
far as that, then, shall we?
Yes. Huh! Well, it's not unpleasant
- when one gets used to it.
- Yes.
Well, you know,
...you've been a bit off colour.
Yes, I have.
And what's more I'm not eating anything.
- Why is that?
- Well, I can't get the stuff.
Ah, but look, I had this mounted,
this very morning.
Eighteen carat Hovis.
Well, tell me about it, more.
Well, things were going swimmingly
until that...
Well, until they dropped the,
well now, you know...
- Oh, the old...
- That's the fellow.
Yes. Did the noise keep you awake?
Oh, no, I slept through it all right. Yes.
In fact, when I was in England, still Abed,
...albeit in a club chair,
the Third World War took place.
I didn't get a chance to join the regiment.
Neither did I. I was standing by,
...ready to face the enemy,
whoever they might be.
- Mmm.
- And I couldn't find them.
Tell me, do you know, who was the enemy?
I haven't the least idea.
I thought, Doctor,
...I thought you might give me breakfast
as a prescription against malnutrition.
Ah, yes. Well...
Take, um, 30 milligrams of egg on toast.
You can get it made up at any restaurant.
Oh, good! I'll have it made up in Boots.
It's more hygienic in bottles.
Yes, yes, yes, but will it cure me, huh?
My first impulse is to cut and run.
Thankful, happy in the thought
it's no more than simple starvation,
...but Doctor, I, I...
I feel it is more.
Lord Fortnum,
we must have a thorough look at you.
Uh, yes.
- Would you sit down again, please?
- Yes, yes, yes.
Inside and out. Feet up, please.
Oh, your skin is very white.
My parents were white.
Doctor, look. Since this thing dropped,
this, this rude thing, this, um...
That's the fellow.
I've had terrible morbid fears.
I think I may turn into a bed sitting room.
Ah! Ah, that's probably atomic mutation.
- There's a lot of it about.
- What can I take for it?
- Three guineas?
- What?
Take three guineas, for your rent?
Rent! I don't want rent, I want to
be cured, I demand a second opinion.
Yes, well, that is your
privilege, of course.
But I can tell you that
there's no evidence of dry rot or woodworm,
...but keep well wrapped up
and try and keep out of overdrafts.
She gets later and later every night,
and sometimes morning.
Well, perhaps she's had more than one.
She's had time for half
a dozen, if you ask me.
I'm going to get her.
Oh, Father, don't leave me at night.
It is bleedin' night, isn't it?
God, what's this?
A likely story!
Those are not my daughter's little hairs.
Out you come.
There's a simple explanation, sir.
Yes. And I'm going to give it to you.
Ah! What class of person are you?
I am top drawer, to put it mildly.
You, I expect, are from the guttering.
But I don't believe it, about my turning,
...no.
Well, what can I say?
- Say?
- Say sorry.
Sorry?
Sorry.
That's not nearly enough enough,
under the circumstances.
Actually, sir, I'm a commuter chap.
You know, backwards and forwards.
- That's nice.
- Forwards and backwards.
How dare you!
- Does it get boring?
- How really dare you say such things?
And do them!
Well, I'd be interested in joining your party,
I'm sure you can use another pair of hands.
You keep your filthy commuter hands
to yourself.
Down the seams of your trousers,
where I can see them.
She'll need a nurse.
Right. You can get dressed.
Uh, but what is it you want?
Want, want?
Do you mean to say you've been looking
at me without regard to my condition?
You're not well enough
to have a condition, dear.
Do you want a potty?
I want no such thing. I want an opinion.
Well, in my opinion...
In my opinion, you need re-pointing.
But that's only putting off the evil hour.
What you really need, you see,
is a full-scale conversion to maisonette.
- It's true, then?
- Oh, I expect it is.
Still, try not to worry, love.
It's a simple op.
And the Council
will give you a grant for your bathroom.
You don't realise, do you,
I don't want a bathroom.
Now, if you want anything,
here we are, just ring for nurse.
My God, I've dropped a brick!
Come along, Mother.
Must we go, Dad?
I felt safe in there.
Nothing to worry about.
Where are we going?
I say that. I'm the
leader of the new world.
Where we're going,
up is where we're going, young man.
And don't you forget it.
I say, sir, you can't do that.
That's public property.
That's all right. I am a
member of the public.
Public member.
At last! At last they've
come to collect me.
- How long have you been...?
- Three years.
Three years?
Collect me, collect me.
I've been here dead
since imminent warning red.
I'm afraid there's far too much to pay.
My friend will pay. If you can find him.
There are no friends left.
Roger, is this your trunk?
Me? My name's not Roger, it's Alan.
Roger's name is not on the lid.
It'll cost you 25 shillings.
Oh, I'm afraid I haven't any money, sir.
I shall lend you some.
Take something useful.
Help me on.
Oh! This is nice and warm.
Oh, dear me!
I'm afraid I'm three shillings short, sir,
I shall have to owe it to you.
Come along.
What are you doing with that trunk?
What? We've got to have luggage, girl.
Can't be arrested as vagrants.
Go on.
You've got the tickets, dear.
I hear a rumor, sir,
the Pope's now
allowing contraceptives for all occasions.
Except during sexual intercourse.
You'd better get your hair cut.
That's enough of that talk.
Keep talk out of it!
You all right?
Look here, look here.
Can't you get more horsepower?
Keep moving. Keep moving, sir.
You're safer on the move.
What?
I shan't, I shall not
keep asking you to keep moving, sir.
You will not? You'll do your duty, young
man. I wish to speak to your superior,
...I expect to turn
into a bed sitting room very shortly.
I think you'd better speak to me, sir.
In which particular,
I shall be obliged to stop somewhere,
...preferably a street.
You can't stop here, sir.
Oh, well, where can I stop?
You can't stop anywhere, sir,
as you very well know.
We don't want to stay
in one place long enough...
...for the enemy to have
another chance at us, do we, sir?
Not until our pre-emptive
strike is launched, do we, sir?
Do we, sir?
Have we not struck back? Has England not?
We should have struck back
three years ago, if not before.
I expect we did, sir.
But these things take time.
You're not looking very well, sir.
Have you been to a good estate agent?
Oh, my God! Sorry, sir.
Oh, yes. Absolutely refused to handle me,
until I'd turned into a bed sitting room.
And you are not that?
Not yet fully, damn you, man!
Do I, do I... Do I look
like a bed sitting room?
It's not for me to say, sir.
But should you stop,
you're liable to be knocked down...
...without the option.
Well, I...
I don't want to turn
into a bed sitting room.
I don't.
You can't have a Lord
turning into that sort of thing.
I mean, Longleat, Woburn Abbey,
a place where the takings are considerable,
...but a bedsitter!
Three pounds ten a week. Never!
Carry on, Sergeant.
Excuse me.
Do you hear the frog?
Here's a turkey.
In every way,
I'm getting better and better.
Every day, in every...
- Hello, hello?
- Hello, hello. Have they dropped it yet?
No. I've still got it in me hand.
Hello, hello. Have they dropped it?
- Hello, up there.
- It's coming from...
Hello, hello!
Hello, hello!
You stupid...
Hello. I can hear you down here.
Can you hear me up there?
Every day, in every way,
I'm getting better and better.
Every day and every...
She's got big busts, hasn't she?
For a girl her age, hmm?
- What?
- Yeah, what?
That left bust, especially seems to,
...the nipple seems
to stand out more on that one.
Yes.
Mmm. Father's very observant.
He was in the Corps.
I wish he wouldn't
talk about me in front of Alan.
He doesn't want to know about my busts.
No, I do, I do.
Shall we stop here for tea?
I hope all this family talk
isn't boring you, Alan?
- No, not a bit of it.
- Good.
Well, I expect you'd like a little dance
now. To relax you, the both of you.
I'm glad it's all over. The, um...
Do you know, Mother, so am I.
Just like I was glad when I married you.
Got it all over.
If I'd known the end was such a relief.
If only I...
I used to say,
"For Christ's sake, drop it," didn't I?
Only when you were very tired.
He's not a bad lad.
Now, there you are, what did I say?
- Did you hear what I said, lad?
- He said you were not a bad lad.
There!
Oh, thank you.
- One of the family now.
- There.
I want you to treat me
just as if I was your father.
I hated my father!
No. Right. Ahhh!
Well, haven't you got a favourite uncle
you were fond of, young Alan?
Yes.
Well, treat me like him, then.
Uncle, can I have
sixpence for sweeties, please?
Of course you may.
What a good, polite boy you are!
Radiation's rising.
Still, one mustn't grumble too much.
- Hello?
- Hello, have they dropped it yet?
- Hey?
- Hello?
- What?
- Have they dropped it yet, boy?
- Where are you?
- In by here.
- Hmm?
- In by here.
I'm a regional seat of government.
Come in by here, quick.
I'll soon have you seated and governed.
Fancy seeing you down here.
- Who are you?
- First of all,
...have they dropped it yet, indeed?
Have they dropped what?
You know, the... You're bound to know.
You're up there, weren't you?
Still, towards the end it got all
mixed up with the blackies and LBJ.
There's a fellow for you, LBJ.
I was proud to regionally serve him.
Have they?
No, don't tell me, let me guess.
Harrods laid all this on, you know.
Harrods!
- They're very good at that.
- Yes.
I expect I talk too much. Don't listen.
I don't listen.
Thank God I've kept my head,
when all about are...
Have they?
Some good people have gone, you know.
- Oh, yes.
- I shot two myself.
I had to. They came at me. They tried
to get in with the man from Harrods.
In gas masks, they were, trying to get in.
So I shot them. I said, "Take those
gas masks off your face," I said.
I had to. They might have been some
of my directors, you see.
Who? Who did you shoot?
My mother and my wife. Shot them dead.
- Oh.
- Of course, I married again.
Don't mind me, I talk too much.
- Doris. Doris.
- Hmm?
I'm very much in love.
Of course, it led to marriage.
She doesn't seem to mind.
Are you hungry?
- No.
- That's a damn lie!
Don't you shout at me,
I'm a medical practitioner.
Hey!
I have the proof. The terrible proof.
There!
Fresh evidence has
come to life as to who is responsible.
Will you have a bite with us?
I Will, I will, I will. In that order.
Mmm.
Where are we?
Are you all forgotten?
Paddington.
Don't you know your London?
Shall I carve?
It's family life that's important.
Do you have a family, young man?
No. My big brother did.
Didn't you have a Daddy and a Mummy, then?
No. My brother had them.
That's a bit unfair.
You could've had one each.
I'm sorry to have to rest, Dad,
but my legs feel like lumps of wood.
Well, thank goodness
I caught you on your rounds, Doctor.
What are you going to do for me? What?
Take, um,
...six of these pills. One every half mile.
Oh, but I can't do that,
I only live a mile away.
This is Hyde Park, isn't it?
Yes. Well, then you'll
have to move further out, I'm afraid.
No. I'll tell you what,
I'll take the long road home.
That's the ticket. Splendid!
I don't know what to say to you, Doctor.
Say, "Doctor, how much will that be?"
Doctor, how much will that be?
That'll be 18 post-war guineas,
...marked down to three and six
in the last bargain budget.
Oi, here!
Will you excuse me?
Are you Captain Bules Martin?
Yes.
Just sign there, sir, on that line.
Here we are.
Thank you.
- Ah! Luncheon.
- Ah, would you care to join me?
Yes, certainly, certainly.
If this is Regent's Park, then...
...Marble Arch must lie to the south.
Dad!
What I have here, sir,
is your wife's death certificate.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, dear!
There! Well, it was a lovely way to go.
But Mummy's alive!
I'm afraid not, dear.
It makes me feel all funny to read it.
No!
No! Tell them no, Alan.
- No!
- Pull yourself together!
I am together. We are!
I want you to call me Arthur
and come to me for every little plaster.
But Mum's alive!
Well, I thought I was, dear.
By rights, I should be,
...but how can you tell if
it's here in black and white?
Give it to me.
I shouldn't, should I, Dad?
It'll only upset her to read it.
Give it to me, dear. I'll put it
somewhere safe with all the others.
With the health cards.
Look, Mrs Frereton,
there is nothing wrong with you.
Now then, you're a nice, kind boy.
It's your wife being alive that
seems to be all the trouble, sir.
- I'm sorry.
- Ah.
Oh, I'm sorry,
we don't want to cause any trouble.
Oh, now listen, Mum...
Penny!
Don't argue with the nurse, dear.
She's bound to know best,
what's best for us.
Do I lie down or anything?
The way, the way
I'd like you to look at it is this.
You may have lost a wife, sir,
but you've gained a certificate.
I expect you've got the set now,
if you haven't been careless with them.
I do hope we haven't been careless
with our papers,
...birth, marriage, death...
And school.
Mum got her school.
Father, can you let me see them all
before you send them off?
I would just like to, to
hold them all together,
...look through them.
Not much, is it?
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
And we've all been so much
happier since that...
Oh, well, at least I can
still keep cheerful.
That's the style, Mum.
That's the hammer.
Forward.
Hello!
My dear God, gas metres!
I can hear them shilling in the slot.
Gas metres on a lord's legs.
Belgravia! I must find
Belgravia before I turn.
For all I know,
I may even now be in the provinces.
Will someone kindly set me on the right
road to Belgravia? A guide! A guide!
My freehold for a guide!
Ah, what a lovely evening.
Splendid meal.
Yes,
care for an after-dinner drink?
Well, thank you very much, yes.
No. Here, let me have a try.
Cheers!
What were you doing before this, then?
I was in the army, actually.
I'm a Captain.
Oh, I say! What regiment?
Oh, we didn't know,
due to the Official Secrets Act.
But from what I can make of my cap badge,
it was the Household Cavalry.
Did you have to be a householder?
Oh, good lord, no, no!
No. It did help for a commission.
No, the household that
we're referring to...
...is the Buckingham Palace household.
We did all the cavalry for them.
Did you? They're splendid!
All destroyed,
of course, when they dropped the...
Oh!
♪ God save our gracious Queen ♪
♪ Long live our noble Queen ♪
♪ God save our Queen... ♪
No, no, no! We don't sing that any longer.
- You don't?
- No, we sing now that...
...God should save Mrs Ethel Shroake
of 393A High Street, Leytonstone.
Oh.
Of the twenty people
who are known to be left alive in England,
...she stands next in line
to the throne, you know.
I say!
You're lucky to be still connected, huh?
Bit of luck to have the phone.
I've only got the bells, boy.
Drive me mad, they do, they drive me mad!
Aye.
Hey, is that the authorities?
Hey! Hey! Keep moving!
No building whatever! Keep moving!
No building whatever!
Keep moving! Keep moving!
I have the proof! I have the proof!
Look! The proof of germ warfare, boy.
They dip the weapons in germs, you see.
They dip the weapons in the germs.
And then if they survive the, you know...
If you survive that, you see,
you go down with the measles.
Uh, excuse me, madam.
Uh, which one
of you ordered a business telephone?
- Both of me.
- Huh?
At last, at last, I shall convince
the world with my documentary voice!
No, this is a...
Hello, folks of world!
Hello, hello, folks of world!
This is a... It's only
a demonstration model.
But this is the type
you'll be getting, madam.
Just let me have the borrowing of it,
will you, please?
- The bells are driving me mad, you see.
- Don't worry, sir.
Don't worry.
As soon as the telephone's installed,
...we rip the bells out.
Let me have it! Let me have it!
Madam!
Hello, hello, hello!
It's for you.
Oh.
- Hello?
- Colour? I'll show you in bloody colour.
- What's he talking about, chum?
- Colour!
The dirty... sod! That's naughty.
Bules Martin, Captain and Doctor.
Oh, just a moment!
Hello, darling.
What are you doing this evening?
Oh, are you?
Well, let me have a photograph of it,
won't you?
Oh, give him my regards.
Yes. Bye-bye, Gregory.
Ah, Gregory, have you seen my Nigel?
Oh, it's getting late.
Time for my humiliation.
Now, what have I done
with my defeat of England medal?
Your Majesty, I'm sorry that I failed you.
I tried to catch the thing
before it hit the Palace,
...but one of your corgis bit me.
Come on, Sergeant, put your back into it.
I've got my back into it, sir.
Put your front into it, then!
Put your front into it, Constable.
Come on now, sir, keep moving.
Hurry up! Don't stand there and watch us.
We'll be moving, all right. Come on, lady.
She who hesitates is lost.
My first wife died, you know.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I got my certificate the other day.
You don't want an old woman like me.
You remind me of my first wife.
That's funny. You see,
I never met her, you see.
Will you do for me what my first wife did?
Doris tries, but she can't
coordinate, you see.
Will you do it for me?
Well, so long as we get it over quickly,
before Daddy misses me.
Now, no, no, no!
See reason, Mildred!
Mildred, you're worse than your mother!
I didn't, Mildred, I haven't!
She's a common or garden secretary!
Mildred, please! I love you!
She means nothing to me at all! Mildred!
I was kept late at the office.
Mildred, I love you!
Mildred, please, no! The people next door!
Mildred, please! Mildred, no! Mildred!
Mildred! Mildred, Mildred!
Oh! Oh!
Get out, you slut! Get
out and leave me alone!
That was my best dinner service.
Hello! Hello!
Doctor!
Hello!
Call the roll, Alan.
- Father figure!
- Present.
- Penelope, the well-known fiancée!
- Here.
Alan! Here!
Mother!
Mummy?
We're all here except one, Mother.
That's all we ever had, one Mother.
Mummy!
All right.
Now, when I say wave,
I want you all to wave.
Wave!
- Hello.
- Hello, young Alan.
- Hello, Penelope.
- Hello.
Mummy!
All right. That's enough.
Mummy!
I demand an explanation.
Oh! Much worse than I thought.
Oh! Mother!
Don't worry, Mother, we'll look after you.
One more stop, madam, and I shall
be forced to endorse your licence.
You wouldn't want us to
use our special powers, would you, madam?
I can't move. My legs are stiff.
- Hello?
- It is I.
- Who?
- Lord Fortnum. I've changed.
Lord Fortnum! And you've changed?
Yes, I have.
Well, keep moving, and where are you?
I'm number 29 Cul de Sac Place.
Hurry, for God's sake,
and bring me some furniture, I'm freezing.
I shall come at once.
Try not to look conspicuous,
...or you'll be knocked
down without the option.
Oh! Oh, you black fiend!
Get your hand out of my drawers!
I'm a mother!
Mummy!
Mummy!
Mummy!
Penny!
Penny!
I'm over here.
So you are.
I'd recognise you anywhere, My Lord.
I must say it suits you.
Please don't do that, I'm not well.
It's me. Captain Bules Martin.
And I'm your doctor.
Come in, Doctor.
Did you bring some furniture?
I say!
Is this you?
Yes, tell me the worst. Where am I?
Yeah, you're number 29 Cul de Sac Place.
Yes, I know that, but what borough?
Ah, that's pretty bad news, I'm afraid.
- It's Paddington.
- Quick, put a card.
Put a card in the window.
No coloureds, no children
and definitely no coloured children.
Don't worry.
Doctor Bules Martin looks like
he's come to stay.
You're still under your doctor.
If everyone thought like you,
this world would be a much happier place.
Breathe in.
In...
- Out.
- Out!
Yes.
How's your water?
It hasn't run properly for years.
Oh well, we'll soon fix that.
Have you got a washer somewhere?
One, two, three, 12...
Cough.
- You married?
- No, not at the moment.
Well, I'd advise against it. Against it.
Listen.
Harken.
Survivors of the Third
Gurkhas, quick march!
It's the Burma reunion.
And hot dinner.
The Cavalry cometh!
I must find the Albert Hall.
I shall be out till dawn.
No, don't wait up. And don't take any rent.
That's got rid of him.
Come on, Abdul, let's get the furniture in.
Mummy!
Thank you, my dear.
As you chaps know, electricity is
the life blood of civilisation.
Without electricity, civilisation
as we know it could not survive.
So I intend, with God's help,
to go on pedalling this bicycle...
...until we've hit this
desolation for six...
...and won God's just victory
over the forces of evil.
Mummy!
Mummy!
Mummy!
I'll look up here.
No...
Oi, you watching?
Oh, please come down!
Okay, coming.
I like it! I like it!
More! More! Oh!
What are you doing with that?
It's not raining.
Come on.
♪ Roll me over in the clover ♪
♪ Do it again ♪
♪ Roll me over... ♪
♪ On the road to Mandalay ♪
- Who's there?
- Oh, for pity's sake!
No coloureds, damn you!
Have you
not yet finished with my poor bruised body?
Are you
that black man's woman?
That's hardly likely,
in my condition.
And what is
your condition?
I'm a cupboard.
Will nobody close my doors?
I'm Lord Fortnum of Alamein. Who are you?
I'm Mrs Frereton.
Well, madam,
in view of the ghastly circumstances...
...in which we both find ourselves,
...I suggest we speak
only when spoken to and hold our tongues.
Very well, if you think so.
Mummy!
Mummy!
Mummy! Mummy!
Mummy!
Oh, let's sleep here for a bit.
We can look again when it's light, love.
I will say this for him,
...I can't really say anything for him,
...except he is like
a sheet of white paper.
I haven't seen a sheet of white paper
for years I could draw a face on.
His poor suit!
Crumple-fashion little
stitches on the edges.
And I'll say this for him,
...trendy boy.
You can say his lapels are crumpled...
...and he has got a nose
where noses used to be.
And I'll say this for him.
He's always here.
Wherever his feet are, he is.
Toes are bent upwards, but he's straight,
...flat.
Stupid as the sun.
I will say this for him.
And he has got twirly hair.
But you do get the whole of him,
...now, to stroke.
There's nobody else.
♪ Roll me over in the clover ♪
♪ Roll me over in the clover ♪
♪ Roll me over,
lay me down and do it again ♪
♪ When she's... ♪
- All right, Sergeant, let's just check your ruler.
- That's, uh...
- ...22 inches, sir.
- Carry on.
Thank you.
Head, 22 inches.
Ah, taking my measurements!
Chest, 22 inches.
That's right. That's the hammer.
Get it all down, eh!
Inside leg,
- 22 inches, sir.
- You're right.
Right, sir. We'll let you know.
Thank you very much, thank you.
Ah! There are my children!
Hello, Daddy!
You won't want their measurements,
of course, they're a bit young.
My word! What a hairy trunk!
Keep moving.
You going to let me know, then?
Uh, who are you?
They are.
I must say, they seemed rather
impressed with my inside leg.
Excuse me, sir, but it was a 22, wasn't it?
- Yes, I believe it was.
- I say!
Not many of them left, you know.
Like to shake you by the hand.
Yeah, I would, but not
until I've referred it...
- ...to the Ministry of Health.
- Quite, quite.
Can't be too careful.
You in business, then?
- Hmm?
- Looking for a partner?
No, I am a partner.
Of course. Who is your partner?
I don't need one,
I'm just Partner and Company.
I say, uh, is that your daughter?
I say, it is. Chubby little thing.
- Well-built young girl.
- Thank you.
Been going on for some time?
- Eighteen months.
- Eight... Indeed, indeed!
Well,
I'd like your permission to...
...call upon your daughter.
Often. Starting now.
No.
I'd like a bit more off here, for courting.
Ah! Ah, yes, that's much better.
I'm not one of your hippie types, you know.
Such as that never won fair lady.
Anything else, sir?
But Daddy, I love Alan.
Love?
Love is a four-letter word.
Come to that, so is bull.
Cat is a three-letter word.
Right.
You're going to make a famous son-in-law.
Been my ambition for years.
Uh...
Now, look here, Mr Frereton!
You can't arrange
this thing over our heads, you know.
Can't I?
Captain Bules Martin is a man of subsidence
and property, if not more.
Moreover, he's a partner.
A very fitting
son-in-law for a future Prime Minister.
Who is?
I am.
You don't imagine they gathered my
measurements for nothing, do you?
Show me a 22 inside leg
and I'll show you a future Prime Minister.
It's a well-known fact.
I expect Mrs Ethel Shroake...
...to consider my credentials any day now.
That trunk of yours, get rid of it.
This is not my trunk.
He tied his thumbs up with string and
exposed himself for a limited period...
...between Bagshot and Camberley.
Was that you, sir?
A post-war gesture, I suppose.
I hope you destroyed the string.
Get out of it! Shoo! Get out!
Clear out!
Naughty...!
I love St Paul's, you know.
Dearly love us to be married here.
Ah! Vicar!
May be requiring your services soon.
My fiancée and I.
I'm not surprised.
I wouldn't leave it too long, if I were
you. Chubby little thing, isn't she?
My patient, you know.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'll just go in for a minute
and get spruced up a bit.
I can't go through with it.
What?
Having this monster.
Well, no one else can have it, can they?
- Then it must be?
- It must be.
Well, I'll just slip into
an old wedding dress.
No, no, wait a minute, darling.
Go behind the screen.
Oh, really, darling,
you've watched a lady undress...
...before today, haven't you?
Of course, darling.
I'll go behind the screen with you.
I wish Mother could have
been alive to see it.
Uh, just a thought.
Have you considered the new economical
combined marriage and divorce ceremony?
Three pounds one shilling. Catholics extra.
No, no, we couldn't afford
the divorce just now.
She'll have to be satisfied
with the wedding.
Later on, of course, when I'm earning,
then we can get the annulment.
Uh, this is the instant God kit, sir.
Good luck.
Alley-up there.
Would you join hands, please?
Good, good.
And now for a good book.
♪ Oh, and the naughty gamekeeper ♪
♪ Took her into the potting shed v
♪ And laid her upon the ground ♪
♪ And with hands quivering, he ripped... ♪
I say, look here, that's not the Bible.
I know, it's Lady Chatterley's Lover.
But if you prefer the old twit version,
I think I can still recall it.
♪ Do you, Bules Martin, take this
girl to be your lawful wedded wife? ♪
♪ I was expecting you
to ask me that question ♪
♪ As it so happens, I do ♪
♪ And do you, Penelope, take this lawful
wedded man to be your husband? ♪
I do.
♪ And do you promise,
Penelope Rose Frereton ♪
♪ To cherish your husband
in sickness and in health ♪
♪ In trial and in ordeal
and in all that holy... ♪
I do!
I say, look here,
there's still some decency left.
Come on, darling, let's get out of here.
Stop!
Haven't finished, have we?
I now pronounce you man and wife.
On your mark, get set...
Get out of my bedroom, you Peeping Tom.
Ah! This ought to do the trick.
You've got two hours, mate.
- I won't need this, then, will I?
- No!
My God! When was my last virility test?
Congratulations, Mrs Martin.
I thought you'd never get here.
- Excuse me, sir. BBC Television.
- Yes?
When did you first decide
to become a politician?
Did you get that?
I'm afraid I didn't, sir.
Would you like to try again?
It began when I measured
my inside leg one day,
...as we all do.
And I found that I was very well-equipped.
Good heavens! Penelope?
Hello, Daddy.
But you're promised
to Captain Bules Martin, you slut.
Come down at once.
I married him this morning, Daddy.
So you did.
That's all right, then.
Carry on.
Wife sent you along, did she?
Well, it did occur to me that I
might review the circumstances.
Huh. You'll love it.
Yeah, I can't keep away.
You'll learn to love your virility test.
I've always had a very good wind.
Mmm, oh dear.
- Who's wrong?
- Well, my wife...
She... Well...
Oh!
Best thing, uh, best thing to do is
talk dirty among yourselves.
Well, if you can't come to that,
flick through the dirty books.
Is it?
- Is it?
- Due?
- Due?
- I knew it.
- Ooh!
- Should have kept my socks on.
Look, never mind, my love.
I'll nip downstairs and
get some boiling water.
Come. Come on down.
Come on, we'll just nip down.
Pretty Poll. Pretty Poll!
Ah, did you pass your virility test, son?
I don't know. Hard to tell.
You see, lights fused
at the critical moment.
Where's my bride? She
should be able to tell.
Sit down, son. Your bride is in labour.
Oh, God!
Daddy, I need a drink.
What'll you have, old boy?
I'll have a large, uh, water.
With water?
No, nothing with it.
- Here you are.
- Good. Thanks.
A pleasure.
Well, I think I'll
wander along to the saloon car, bar.
Well, here we are again.
Another one for you? Pleasure, old friend.
Oh, I knew.
As soon as I grasped the test-tube
firmly in my right hand.
None of your cheek and impotence.
Cheek?
- You'll like it, I think.
- Thank you.
Jolly good health.
Evening.
We're looking for a man.
Are you indeed, Inspector?
There aren't many of us left, you know.
We're also looking for a bed sitting room.
Aren't we all?
True. True.
We're on the trail of a
foul and grisly murder.
I say, isn't that the
first, uh, post-war murder?
Things are looking up for you
in popular fiction.
Yes, we've had a pretty
thin time of it recently.
Yes.
What with 40 million dead,
we haven't been
able to see the wood for the trees.
Yes, quite.
But this is murder, not glory.
How do you do?
We are also looking for a trunk,
if the Inspector doesn't mind me saying so.
And when we find it,
we shall know why we're looking for it.
Penelope!
Penelope!
Penelope!
Penelope!
Penelope!
Penelope...
Relax, dearie. She's doing very well.
Would you like to see the birth?
We've still got a few tickets left.
Let me go! She needs me!
No.
What she has need of is medical science.
Father?
Oh! Are you that bloke
what ordered the Van Gogh painting?
I am, I am. Hang it up there.
I think it might do better on the wall.
I wish you'd make your bleeding mind up.
Is your name Frereton?
No. It's not.
Never!
- That is the man you want.
- Never!
Only it's, uh, it's his
turn to be Prime Minister.
I know. I know.
I always knew
my inside leg would lead to power.
Dear Martin... Bules,
give me a hand, will you?
And get rid of my old togs, which I shall
not need as Prime Minister.
Martin, what about down there, eh?
Oh, fire, fire!
Fire!
- Did you say something?
- What? Me? No.
Fire!
All right, Sergeant, nip down and see
what that fire's about, would you?
I was just going to do so, actually, sir.
Can't have fires around
this time of the year.
Very well put, sir.
Down you go, then, Sergeant.
Right. Could you lower the
balloon a little, sir?
- Doing me best.
- Thank you.
Oh, my bloody leg!
Never mind about your bloody leg!
Look at me, I'm drifting!
Grab hold of the rope!
Grab hold of the rope, Constable.
Sir's drifting.
Sir's more than drifting! Sir's away!
Grab the anchor!
I didn't join the force just to
drift aimlessly into the void!
Right, sir! Hold on, sir, we'll soon
have you out of trouble!
Grab the anchor!
I've got hold of it, sir.
Everything's under control!
Oh, my God! Pull me down, Sergeant!
I will, sir!
Use your weight and gravity.
I'll come and help you!
I haven't got much gravity left, sir!
What a lovely dome that is.
Wren, isn't it?
No, it's not rain, sir.
It looks a bit cloudy,
...but I don't think we're in for any rain.
Sorry, sir.
Ever thought of dropping off
the balloon suddenly, Sergeant?
We have this new system.
Instead of moving the baby out,
we move the furniture in.
Excuse me.
What are you doing to my Penny?
We should all ask ourselves,
...is it really necessary
for people to leave the womb nowadays?
That's when most of the trouble seems
to start in this wicked world.
My God, it's monstrous!
It may well be, but you must be prepared
to love your monster.
Oh, we have some medicated wallpaper here.
Perhaps you'd like
to chose a pattern to suit your womb.
Then, in come the three bears.
And Daddy Bear said,
..."Who's been sleeping in my porridge?"
And the Mama Bear said,
..."That's no porridge. That was my wife."
Waste of time telling bleeding chinks...
There were three pandas, see?
Sergeant!
Sir!
Quick, man, they're coming over the wire.
Where, sir? I can see no one whatever, sir.
Put these glasses to your eyes, you idiot!
No, sir. Duff information, sir.
I can see nothing whatever, sir.
Nothing untoward to report, sir.
- No sign of the enemy, sir.
- Here.
Are you the bloke, uh, officer,
...what was in charge of the nuclear
detergent in the last atomic war?
I am he.
Bad news. It has been returned to sender.
And there's three and nine to
pay on it in Chinese dollars.
- Good heavens! We got a reply.
- I can't help that, mate.
You didn't reckon
with the chinky-poo post office, did you?
- Well, it's a bit late now.
- Yes.
Sixty-five million pounds
it cost to develop that bomb.
Pity about the three and nine.
We could have won, you know.
Damnable bad luck!
Dad will get a nice surprise.
- Dad!
- Dad!
- Daddy?
- Daddy?
- Dad?
- Dad?
Sorry we're late home, Dad.
I had the baby.
Don't you think he looks
a bit like you, sir?
It's been a long day.
Good night.
Rape!
Damn it,
I can hold my tongue no longer!
- What?
- How dare you, adulterer!
How dare you
take advantage of our feathered friend!
- Mummy!
- I'm so ashamed.
Compromised internally
in front of my own daughter.
Close my doors at once.
- Can't we go into this in the morning?
I'm all... - Daddy, it's Mummy.
Very well, Captain.
But be gentle with me.
Nighty-night.
Night-night, Mum.
Good night, dear.
Uh, good night, Dad.
MARTINI No.
Nothing edible here.
You know, ever since they
dropped the, uh, you know,
...woodworms have become quite extinct.
Oh, really?
Very strange.
Perhaps it wasn't the Russians and
Americans who dropped it, then.
Perhaps it was Rentokil.
Dinner is served, Daddy-o.
Well...
Well, I don't know who he is,
but he's just in time.
Well. Sit you down.
What? What is it, darling? Chicken?
No, it's Daddy.
Oh. Well, never mind.
Don't take it too hard.
We'll let his perch to another bird,
if we can find one.
Be gentle, Bules.
How did this terrible thing happen?
After his career in politics,
...he said he wanted his body
to be left to science.
Then he threw himself off his perch.
Here, what's that silly thing?
It's her father.
Father, eh? Ooh! This'll
mean a by-election.
Oh dear Lord!
Cor, he tastes marvellous.
We've never had so good.
I am moving.
Gas masks on!
Gas masks on! Hurry up.
Atomic bomb, radiation rising! Hurry up!
Radiation rising. Masks on!
All your masks on!
My word,
it's a good job the Minister of Defence...
...had a sense of humour
when he invented these masks.
Mind you, I was thinking. I don't think
the human face fits the modern need.
- You don't?
- No.
If I had my way
in the hurly-burly of post-atomic living,
...I'd have a bloke's mouth
on top of his nut.
You see, then when he's late for work...
...all he has to do is slide
his breakfast under his hat...
...and eat it on the way to the office.
Do you think we've come
to the end of it all?
Oh, dear.
Nah.
Get your masks on!
Get your masks on!
Get your masks on! Atomic bomb!
Oh, please, God, not again.
Bloody fog.
What's to become of us now?
Well, we'll just have to keep going.
What for?
Because we're British.
British?
Well, what a lot of use that is.
We don't even know who's won the war.
We've run out of food. No medicine.
We're eating our parents.
British!
And another thing. If I had my way,
...I'd have a bloke's genitals
on the end of his finger.
He'd wear a glove, of course?
Oh, yes!
You don't want the frost to get at it, eh?
And you think how handy it would
be in them non-corridor trains.
He could waggle it
out the window then, couldn't he?
Where would you put a woman's equivalent?
Well, I'd...
I'd have that up here on her shoulder. See?
- Oh?
- Then she couldn't get raped by, uh, midgets.
Supposing they stood
on each other's shoulders?
No! It'd be easier for her to kneel down.
Oh no, it wouldn't work.
Out of the question!
- How do you mean?
- Picture to yourself.
Crowded train, a young man gets up to
give his seat to a young, pretty girl.
She doesn't notice at first, and then...
..."Excuse me, miss." Ah?
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Oh dear, indeed.
That would put the price of tickets
up on the Tube, wouldn't it, eh?
Isn't it looking a bit off to you?
Well, take him inside, then.
No-poking compartment.
Ah, let's get in now, dear.
Blowing up foggy.
Here, here, here. Come here.
Turn round, darling.
What?
Pardon... Pardon me, miss.
Rubber?
Please go away.
It's rubber.
It's rubber! Rubber!
Gas.
This is a killer fog, all right.
Just like the old clays.
Eh? Isn't it, eh?
Hey! You'll enjoy this.
It was horrible how they were gassed.
Oh!
My baby!
My poor baby!
It's dead!
Now, look, darling,
we all know that Rupert was thing.
It was our thing. Ours!
We made it, Alan and I.
It was the only thing
I ever cared for in the whole world.
Well, never mind, darling,
we might someday make another.
What a shame. What a shame.
Here. Here, darling, I'll drink that silly,
silly bottle of milk up for you.
MARTINI That's right.
Hey! Look! He's already got the hang of it.
Look, darling,
why don't we adopt this one? Mmm?
Here we are. There's his rattle.
Diddles want his rattle, then?
Diddles want his rattle?
Piss off!
Listen, darling, his first words.
"Piss off!"
Piss off.
Sergeant, I think we've found
what we've been looking for.
Proceed in orderly fashion towards target,
map reference 79, D-3 and remove same.
The rubber! The rubber!
It is the end of us, my friends!
Oh, yes! The end, my friends, is in sight!
I carried little Rupert inside me for 17 months
rather than let him out into this wicked world.
Yes, my friend, rubber.
It is the end of us!
Stretch and repent!
It's because of the rubber,
stretching his way around the world.
Run, brothers, run!
The rubber will get you wherever you hide!
The rubber is come.
Stretch, brothers, and repent!
We've provoked the hand and the foot,
...and the elbow, and the knees,
and the teeth of God!
- Right, Sergeant.
- Stand by, men.
That's why he dropped the bomb.
The bomb?
The bomb!
- The bomb.
- The bomb?
The bomb!
Stop!
Dear God!
That's the fellow!
Stretch and repent all your wicked ways!
Follow me and ye shall be saved!
Run, brothers, run!
We can all stretch and repent!
Stop!
Stop! Stop in the name of the Lord!
Here, it's God! It's God.
He's come back on us.
Good old God, mate.
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
He's a Socialist, you know.
Quiet, Labour scum!
What?
He's... He's a bleeding Conservative.
Here, hold hard a minute,
you don't sound like God,
...you sound like Lord Fortnum.
I also do impressions.
Save us, Lord God,
from the dreadful death by radiation.
Save us, oh, God,
...from the temptations
and perversions of the rubber.
Save me and I'll give up
being an atheist, Goddy.
God, give me back my baby.
Yes, well, uh, yes indeed!
In the fullness of time
we'll see what we can do.
Good, now well, um...
That's not God, that's Lord Fortnum,
the well-known bed sitting room.
What? What? Lies!
Captain Bules Martin!
That's God, I recognise the voice.
A large brown substance
has come to our attention.
Bules, darling! Say something!
My God, Nigel! And alive!
You left me on a left luggage rack.
There's seventeen pounds
seven shillings to pay, Bules Martin.
But apart from that,
there are no further charges against you.
Provided that you have the immediate funds
about your person, that is.
It is.
Is it?
- Another.
- Due?
I knew there was something in there.
I'm going to be another mummy.
I expect you may be wondering why
I've invited you all here this afternoon.
I've just come
from an audience with Her Majesty,
...Mrs Ethel Shroake.
And I'm empowered by her to tell you
that in the future,
...clouds of poisonous nuclear fog
will no longer be necessary.
Mutations will cease sine die.
And furthermore,
I'm the bringer of glad tidings.
A team of surgeons at
the Woolwich Hospital...
...have just accomplished the world's first
successful complete body transplant.
The donor was the entire
population of South Wales...
...and the new body is
functioning normally.
I myself saw it sit up in bed,
wink and ask for a glass of beer.
All in all, I think we're in for a time
of peace, prosperity and stability,
...when the earth will burgeon forth anew,
the lion will lie down with the lamb,
...and the goat give suck to the tiny bee.
At times of great national emergency,
...you'll often find that
a new leader tends to emerge.
Here I am. So watch it.
Keep moving, everybody. That's the spirit.
Keep moving!
Come on, Sergeant.
Come on. Come on, Sarge. Come on, then.
Come on. You can come
with us then, Sergeant.
This is BBC Television.
I have great news for the country.
Great Britain is a first-class
nuclear power again.
♪ God save Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
♪ Long live Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
♪ God save Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
♪ Of 393A High Street, Leytonstone ♪
Good night.
Sergeant, wake that man up.
Constable, liven that man up
with your truncheon.
Get his feet moving!
Remember, you're
electricity man to the whole nation.
Rubber? Rubber?
Eh?
Yes. Coming, coming, coming!
Good evening. I mean that most sincerely.
- I am the BBC, as you can see.
- Oh!
And here was the last news.
On this, the third,
or is it the fourth anniversary
of the nuclear misunderstanding
which led to the Third World War,
here is the...
Oh, sod!
...here is the...
...of the Third World War,
here is the last recorded statement...
...of the Prime Minister, as he then was,
...who had just succeeded his
illustrious father into office.
"I feel I am not boasting
when I remind you that this was,"
"...without a shadow of a doubt,
the very shortest war in living memory."
"Two minutes, 28 seconds,
up to and including the grave process..."
"...of signing the peace
treaty fully blotted."
"The great task of burying
our 40 million dead..."
"...was also carried out
with great expediency and good will."
"You know this great country of ours
often sticks in the mud of past,"
"...searches out and holds up
to the light the mistakes of past times."
That man! Damn him! Haig the Butcher.
I shall tell the world. Look at that!
Another chap butchered. Oh, the horror!
Oh, the horror! I can't look!
"We eat our hearts out
with the canker of racialism..."
"...and death east of Suez."
"But I am forced to ask,
have we forgotten the bomb?"
The Prime Minister had, as you all know,
...just returned from the 449th
Disarmament Conference...
...and was greeted on
the steps of Number 10 by Mao Tse-tung.
The Chairman has invited me kindly in.
I can't say very much at the moment,
...but there will be some pretty hard
bargaining, you may be sure.
That's all.
Thank you very much, gentlemen, thank you.
Ah, Lord Fortnum. BBC Television.
Off the cuff, while we're
waiting for a statement,
...I like your hat, I do.
Do you? Do you say that?
I tell you, it's the
latest early warning hat.
It gives you that extra
four minutes in bed.
I never wore a hat in bed, I've been
a Catholic person for a long time now,
...and I wouldn't know where to begin.
Is this your car, sir?
It is, I acquired it from Lord Snowdon.
- Not the Lord Snowdon?
- No, a Lord Snowdon.
Ah, yes, the woods are full of them.
Goodbye, sir.
Said that very well, didn't he?
The Prime Minister...
The Prime Minister is coming out.
- Prime Minister, can you say...
- Yes, I can say.
I can say without any
fear of contradiction,
...after some pretty tough
bargaining, I can say,
...we have finally fixed the rent of
Number 10 at an undisclosed figure...
...of 100 yen pounds per week.
This lease means peace in our time.
That, I'm afraid, was the end of the news.
Our next scheduled programme
will be on August Bank Holiday,
...when Charlton Heston will
wrestle His Holiness the Pope...
...for the Sportsman of the Year title.
Until then, all walk backwards
into long shot while good night is given.
♪ God save Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
♪ Long live Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
♪ God save Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
♪ Of 393A High Street, Leytonstone ♪
Good night.
Here! Here!
Come out of that television set.
It's our turn for the telly news.
- Oh, is it?
- Are you the District Visiting Announcer?
Yes, that's right. Have you any requests?
Can you do the fall of Singapore?
Oh, yes, certainly.
Tonight, Japanese invasion forces
reached Singapore.
Oh, dear!
- Ah!
- I didn't quite catch the name.
Are you a doctor, Doctor?
- I advertise.
- No boots. I don't wear them.
And I don't travel in them.
Don't be sharp with me, young man.
My card.
"Kennington and District Steam Laundry."
Oh, I am pleased to meet you.
Oh, no, that's not me.
I've let the space for advertising.
I am other side, Lord Fortnum of Alamein,
...I acquired the title from
a soldier person...
...who found himself on hard times.
With psychiatry or army surplus?
I think he had to do with all of that.
And table lamps were negotiable.
We all got one.
I don't require surgery.
I shall decide that, Lord Fortnum.
Now, do you want
it privately or on the National Health?
- Yes.
- What?
Yes, I want it privately,
on the National Health.
Ah! You're home early tonight, Father.
- The last bar on the Circle Line.
- Oh!
I think I'll have a smoke.
One of these days, you'll not come back.
Be brought back
by the health visitor, smoking.
You know, and yet you persist,
...you know that I don't approve
of you leaving the compartment.
She doesn't get enough exercise
on the whole.
After all, it's been...
How long's it been?
It's been since... Dear?
That, since the... Since, well...
Still, we've managed very well.
I expect it's the choccy bars.
I like my women chubby built.
I think she smokes
to try to keep her weight down.
Oh, I wish there was more people
of her own age on the Circle Line...
...she could perhaps smoke with.
It'll be a damn fast habit, Mother.
Oh, she's always at it.
Ah, Well...
Now, look here,
there's a limit to what I'll do, you know.
Is there? Well, let's go as
far as that, then, shall we?
Yes. Huh! Well, it's not unpleasant
- when one gets used to it.
- Yes.
Well, you know,
...you've been a bit off colour.
Yes, I have.
And what's more I'm not eating anything.
- Why is that?
- Well, I can't get the stuff.
Ah, but look, I had this mounted,
this very morning.
Eighteen carat Hovis.
Well, tell me about it, more.
Well, things were going swimmingly
until that...
Well, until they dropped the,
well now, you know...
- Oh, the old...
- That's the fellow.
Yes. Did the noise keep you awake?
Oh, no, I slept through it all right. Yes.
In fact, when I was in England, still Abed,
...albeit in a club chair,
the Third World War took place.
I didn't get a chance to join the regiment.
Neither did I. I was standing by,
...ready to face the enemy,
whoever they might be.
- Mmm.
- And I couldn't find them.
Tell me, do you know, who was the enemy?
I haven't the least idea.
I thought, Doctor,
...I thought you might give me breakfast
as a prescription against malnutrition.
Ah, yes. Well...
Take, um, 30 milligrams of egg on toast.
You can get it made up at any restaurant.
Oh, good! I'll have it made up in Boots.
It's more hygienic in bottles.
Yes, yes, yes, but will it cure me, huh?
My first impulse is to cut and run.
Thankful, happy in the thought
it's no more than simple starvation,
...but Doctor, I, I...
I feel it is more.
Lord Fortnum,
we must have a thorough look at you.
Uh, yes.
- Would you sit down again, please?
- Yes, yes, yes.
Inside and out. Feet up, please.
Oh, your skin is very white.
My parents were white.
Doctor, look. Since this thing dropped,
this, this rude thing, this, um...
That's the fellow.
I've had terrible morbid fears.
I think I may turn into a bed sitting room.
Ah! Ah, that's probably atomic mutation.
- There's a lot of it about.
- What can I take for it?
- Three guineas?
- What?
Take three guineas, for your rent?
Rent! I don't want rent, I want to
be cured, I demand a second opinion.
Yes, well, that is your
privilege, of course.
But I can tell you that
there's no evidence of dry rot or woodworm,
...but keep well wrapped up
and try and keep out of overdrafts.
She gets later and later every night,
and sometimes morning.
Well, perhaps she's had more than one.
She's had time for half
a dozen, if you ask me.
I'm going to get her.
Oh, Father, don't leave me at night.
It is bleedin' night, isn't it?
God, what's this?
A likely story!
Those are not my daughter's little hairs.
Out you come.
There's a simple explanation, sir.
Yes. And I'm going to give it to you.
Ah! What class of person are you?
I am top drawer, to put it mildly.
You, I expect, are from the guttering.
But I don't believe it, about my turning,
...no.
Well, what can I say?
- Say?
- Say sorry.
Sorry?
Sorry.
That's not nearly enough enough,
under the circumstances.
Actually, sir, I'm a commuter chap.
You know, backwards and forwards.
- That's nice.
- Forwards and backwards.
How dare you!
- Does it get boring?
- How really dare you say such things?
And do them!
Well, I'd be interested in joining your party,
I'm sure you can use another pair of hands.
You keep your filthy commuter hands
to yourself.
Down the seams of your trousers,
where I can see them.
She'll need a nurse.
Right. You can get dressed.
Uh, but what is it you want?
Want, want?
Do you mean to say you've been looking
at me without regard to my condition?
You're not well enough
to have a condition, dear.
Do you want a potty?
I want no such thing. I want an opinion.
Well, in my opinion...
In my opinion, you need re-pointing.
But that's only putting off the evil hour.
What you really need, you see,
is a full-scale conversion to maisonette.
- It's true, then?
- Oh, I expect it is.
Still, try not to worry, love.
It's a simple op.
And the Council
will give you a grant for your bathroom.
You don't realise, do you,
I don't want a bathroom.
Now, if you want anything,
here we are, just ring for nurse.
My God, I've dropped a brick!
Come along, Mother.
Must we go, Dad?
I felt safe in there.
Nothing to worry about.
Where are we going?
I say that. I'm the
leader of the new world.
Where we're going,
up is where we're going, young man.
And don't you forget it.
I say, sir, you can't do that.
That's public property.
That's all right. I am a
member of the public.
Public member.
At last! At last they've
come to collect me.
- How long have you been...?
- Three years.
Three years?
Collect me, collect me.
I've been here dead
since imminent warning red.
I'm afraid there's far too much to pay.
My friend will pay. If you can find him.
There are no friends left.
Roger, is this your trunk?
Me? My name's not Roger, it's Alan.
Roger's name is not on the lid.
It'll cost you 25 shillings.
Oh, I'm afraid I haven't any money, sir.
I shall lend you some.
Take something useful.
Help me on.
Oh! This is nice and warm.
Oh, dear me!
I'm afraid I'm three shillings short, sir,
I shall have to owe it to you.
Come along.
What are you doing with that trunk?
What? We've got to have luggage, girl.
Can't be arrested as vagrants.
Go on.
You've got the tickets, dear.
I hear a rumor, sir,
the Pope's now
allowing contraceptives for all occasions.
Except during sexual intercourse.
You'd better get your hair cut.
That's enough of that talk.
Keep talk out of it!
You all right?
Look here, look here.
Can't you get more horsepower?
Keep moving. Keep moving, sir.
You're safer on the move.
What?
I shan't, I shall not
keep asking you to keep moving, sir.
You will not? You'll do your duty, young
man. I wish to speak to your superior,
...I expect to turn
into a bed sitting room very shortly.
I think you'd better speak to me, sir.
In which particular,
I shall be obliged to stop somewhere,
...preferably a street.
You can't stop here, sir.
Oh, well, where can I stop?
You can't stop anywhere, sir,
as you very well know.
We don't want to stay
in one place long enough...
...for the enemy to have
another chance at us, do we, sir?
Not until our pre-emptive
strike is launched, do we, sir?
Do we, sir?
Have we not struck back? Has England not?
We should have struck back
three years ago, if not before.
I expect we did, sir.
But these things take time.
You're not looking very well, sir.
Have you been to a good estate agent?
Oh, my God! Sorry, sir.
Oh, yes. Absolutely refused to handle me,
until I'd turned into a bed sitting room.
And you are not that?
Not yet fully, damn you, man!
Do I, do I... Do I look
like a bed sitting room?
It's not for me to say, sir.
But should you stop,
you're liable to be knocked down...
...without the option.
Well, I...
I don't want to turn
into a bed sitting room.
I don't.
You can't have a Lord
turning into that sort of thing.
I mean, Longleat, Woburn Abbey,
a place where the takings are considerable,
...but a bedsitter!
Three pounds ten a week. Never!
Carry on, Sergeant.
Excuse me.
Do you hear the frog?
Here's a turkey.
In every way,
I'm getting better and better.
Every day, in every...
- Hello, hello?
- Hello, hello. Have they dropped it yet?
No. I've still got it in me hand.
Hello, hello. Have they dropped it?
- Hello, up there.
- It's coming from...
Hello, hello!
Hello, hello!
You stupid...
Hello. I can hear you down here.
Can you hear me up there?
Every day, in every way,
I'm getting better and better.
Every day and every...
She's got big busts, hasn't she?
For a girl her age, hmm?
- What?
- Yeah, what?
That left bust, especially seems to,
...the nipple seems
to stand out more on that one.
Yes.
Mmm. Father's very observant.
He was in the Corps.
I wish he wouldn't
talk about me in front of Alan.
He doesn't want to know about my busts.
No, I do, I do.
Shall we stop here for tea?
I hope all this family talk
isn't boring you, Alan?
- No, not a bit of it.
- Good.
Well, I expect you'd like a little dance
now. To relax you, the both of you.
I'm glad it's all over. The, um...
Do you know, Mother, so am I.
Just like I was glad when I married you.
Got it all over.
If I'd known the end was such a relief.
If only I...
I used to say,
"For Christ's sake, drop it," didn't I?
Only when you were very tired.
He's not a bad lad.
Now, there you are, what did I say?
- Did you hear what I said, lad?
- He said you were not a bad lad.
There!
Oh, thank you.
- One of the family now.
- There.
I want you to treat me
just as if I was your father.
I hated my father!
No. Right. Ahhh!
Well, haven't you got a favourite uncle
you were fond of, young Alan?
Yes.
Well, treat me like him, then.
Uncle, can I have
sixpence for sweeties, please?
Of course you may.
What a good, polite boy you are!
Radiation's rising.
Still, one mustn't grumble too much.
- Hello?
- Hello, have they dropped it yet?
- Hey?
- Hello?
- What?
- Have they dropped it yet, boy?
- Where are you?
- In by here.
- Hmm?
- In by here.
I'm a regional seat of government.
Come in by here, quick.
I'll soon have you seated and governed.
Fancy seeing you down here.
- Who are you?
- First of all,
...have they dropped it yet, indeed?
Have they dropped what?
You know, the... You're bound to know.
You're up there, weren't you?
Still, towards the end it got all
mixed up with the blackies and LBJ.
There's a fellow for you, LBJ.
I was proud to regionally serve him.
Have they?
No, don't tell me, let me guess.
Harrods laid all this on, you know.
Harrods!
- They're very good at that.
- Yes.
I expect I talk too much. Don't listen.
I don't listen.
Thank God I've kept my head,
when all about are...
Have they?
Some good people have gone, you know.
- Oh, yes.
- I shot two myself.
I had to. They came at me. They tried
to get in with the man from Harrods.
In gas masks, they were, trying to get in.
So I shot them. I said, "Take those
gas masks off your face," I said.
I had to. They might have been some
of my directors, you see.
Who? Who did you shoot?
My mother and my wife. Shot them dead.
- Oh.
- Of course, I married again.
Don't mind me, I talk too much.
- Doris. Doris.
- Hmm?
I'm very much in love.
Of course, it led to marriage.
She doesn't seem to mind.
Are you hungry?
- No.
- That's a damn lie!
Don't you shout at me,
I'm a medical practitioner.
Hey!
I have the proof. The terrible proof.
There!
Fresh evidence has
come to life as to who is responsible.
Will you have a bite with us?
I Will, I will, I will. In that order.
Mmm.
Where are we?
Are you all forgotten?
Paddington.
Don't you know your London?
Shall I carve?
It's family life that's important.
Do you have a family, young man?
No. My big brother did.
Didn't you have a Daddy and a Mummy, then?
No. My brother had them.
That's a bit unfair.
You could've had one each.
I'm sorry to have to rest, Dad,
but my legs feel like lumps of wood.
Well, thank goodness
I caught you on your rounds, Doctor.
What are you going to do for me? What?
Take, um,
...six of these pills. One every half mile.
Oh, but I can't do that,
I only live a mile away.
This is Hyde Park, isn't it?
Yes. Well, then you'll
have to move further out, I'm afraid.
No. I'll tell you what,
I'll take the long road home.
That's the ticket. Splendid!
I don't know what to say to you, Doctor.
Say, "Doctor, how much will that be?"
Doctor, how much will that be?
That'll be 18 post-war guineas,
...marked down to three and six
in the last bargain budget.
Oi, here!
Will you excuse me?
Are you Captain Bules Martin?
Yes.
Just sign there, sir, on that line.
Here we are.
Thank you.
- Ah! Luncheon.
- Ah, would you care to join me?
Yes, certainly, certainly.
If this is Regent's Park, then...
...Marble Arch must lie to the south.
Dad!
What I have here, sir,
is your wife's death certificate.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, dear!
There! Well, it was a lovely way to go.
But Mummy's alive!
I'm afraid not, dear.
It makes me feel all funny to read it.
No!
No! Tell them no, Alan.
- No!
- Pull yourself together!
I am together. We are!
I want you to call me Arthur
and come to me for every little plaster.
But Mum's alive!
Well, I thought I was, dear.
By rights, I should be,
...but how can you tell if
it's here in black and white?
Give it to me.
I shouldn't, should I, Dad?
It'll only upset her to read it.
Give it to me, dear. I'll put it
somewhere safe with all the others.
With the health cards.
Look, Mrs Frereton,
there is nothing wrong with you.
Now then, you're a nice, kind boy.
It's your wife being alive that
seems to be all the trouble, sir.
- I'm sorry.
- Ah.
Oh, I'm sorry,
we don't want to cause any trouble.
Oh, now listen, Mum...
Penny!
Don't argue with the nurse, dear.
She's bound to know best,
what's best for us.
Do I lie down or anything?
The way, the way
I'd like you to look at it is this.
You may have lost a wife, sir,
but you've gained a certificate.
I expect you've got the set now,
if you haven't been careless with them.
I do hope we haven't been careless
with our papers,
...birth, marriage, death...
And school.
Mum got her school.
Father, can you let me see them all
before you send them off?
I would just like to, to
hold them all together,
...look through them.
Not much, is it?
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
And we've all been so much
happier since that...
Oh, well, at least I can
still keep cheerful.
That's the style, Mum.
That's the hammer.
Forward.
Hello!
My dear God, gas metres!
I can hear them shilling in the slot.
Gas metres on a lord's legs.
Belgravia! I must find
Belgravia before I turn.
For all I know,
I may even now be in the provinces.
Will someone kindly set me on the right
road to Belgravia? A guide! A guide!
My freehold for a guide!
Ah, what a lovely evening.
Splendid meal.
Yes,
care for an after-dinner drink?
Well, thank you very much, yes.
No. Here, let me have a try.
Cheers!
What were you doing before this, then?
I was in the army, actually.
I'm a Captain.
Oh, I say! What regiment?
Oh, we didn't know,
due to the Official Secrets Act.
But from what I can make of my cap badge,
it was the Household Cavalry.
Did you have to be a householder?
Oh, good lord, no, no!
No. It did help for a commission.
No, the household that
we're referring to...
...is the Buckingham Palace household.
We did all the cavalry for them.
Did you? They're splendid!
All destroyed,
of course, when they dropped the...
Oh!
♪ God save our gracious Queen ♪
♪ Long live our noble Queen ♪
♪ God save our Queen... ♪
No, no, no! We don't sing that any longer.
- You don't?
- No, we sing now that...
...God should save Mrs Ethel Shroake
of 393A High Street, Leytonstone.
Oh.
Of the twenty people
who are known to be left alive in England,
...she stands next in line
to the throne, you know.
I say!
You're lucky to be still connected, huh?
Bit of luck to have the phone.
I've only got the bells, boy.
Drive me mad, they do, they drive me mad!
Aye.
Hey, is that the authorities?
Hey! Hey! Keep moving!
No building whatever! Keep moving!
No building whatever!
Keep moving! Keep moving!
I have the proof! I have the proof!
Look! The proof of germ warfare, boy.
They dip the weapons in germs, you see.
They dip the weapons in the germs.
And then if they survive the, you know...
If you survive that, you see,
you go down with the measles.
Uh, excuse me, madam.
Uh, which one
of you ordered a business telephone?
- Both of me.
- Huh?
At last, at last, I shall convince
the world with my documentary voice!
No, this is a...
Hello, folks of world!
Hello, hello, folks of world!
This is a... It's only
a demonstration model.
But this is the type
you'll be getting, madam.
Just let me have the borrowing of it,
will you, please?
- The bells are driving me mad, you see.
- Don't worry, sir.
Don't worry.
As soon as the telephone's installed,
...we rip the bells out.
Let me have it! Let me have it!
Madam!
Hello, hello, hello!
It's for you.
Oh.
- Hello?
- Colour? I'll show you in bloody colour.
- What's he talking about, chum?
- Colour!
The dirty... sod! That's naughty.
Bules Martin, Captain and Doctor.
Oh, just a moment!
Hello, darling.
What are you doing this evening?
Oh, are you?
Well, let me have a photograph of it,
won't you?
Oh, give him my regards.
Yes. Bye-bye, Gregory.
Ah, Gregory, have you seen my Nigel?
Oh, it's getting late.
Time for my humiliation.
Now, what have I done
with my defeat of England medal?
Your Majesty, I'm sorry that I failed you.
I tried to catch the thing
before it hit the Palace,
...but one of your corgis bit me.
Come on, Sergeant, put your back into it.
I've got my back into it, sir.
Put your front into it, then!
Put your front into it, Constable.
Come on now, sir, keep moving.
Hurry up! Don't stand there and watch us.
We'll be moving, all right. Come on, lady.
She who hesitates is lost.
My first wife died, you know.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I got my certificate the other day.
You don't want an old woman like me.
You remind me of my first wife.
That's funny. You see,
I never met her, you see.
Will you do for me what my first wife did?
Doris tries, but she can't
coordinate, you see.
Will you do it for me?
Well, so long as we get it over quickly,
before Daddy misses me.
Now, no, no, no!
See reason, Mildred!
Mildred, you're worse than your mother!
I didn't, Mildred, I haven't!
She's a common or garden secretary!
Mildred, please! I love you!
She means nothing to me at all! Mildred!
I was kept late at the office.
Mildred, I love you!
Mildred, please, no! The people next door!
Mildred, please! Mildred, no! Mildred!
Mildred! Mildred, Mildred!
Oh! Oh!
Get out, you slut! Get
out and leave me alone!
That was my best dinner service.
Hello! Hello!
Doctor!
Hello!
Call the roll, Alan.
- Father figure!
- Present.
- Penelope, the well-known fiancée!
- Here.
Alan! Here!
Mother!
Mummy?
We're all here except one, Mother.
That's all we ever had, one Mother.
Mummy!
All right.
Now, when I say wave,
I want you all to wave.
Wave!
- Hello.
- Hello, young Alan.
- Hello, Penelope.
- Hello.
Mummy!
All right. That's enough.
Mummy!
I demand an explanation.
Oh! Much worse than I thought.
Oh! Mother!
Don't worry, Mother, we'll look after you.
One more stop, madam, and I shall
be forced to endorse your licence.
You wouldn't want us to
use our special powers, would you, madam?
I can't move. My legs are stiff.
- Hello?
- It is I.
- Who?
- Lord Fortnum. I've changed.
Lord Fortnum! And you've changed?
Yes, I have.
Well, keep moving, and where are you?
I'm number 29 Cul de Sac Place.
Hurry, for God's sake,
and bring me some furniture, I'm freezing.
I shall come at once.
Try not to look conspicuous,
...or you'll be knocked
down without the option.
Oh! Oh, you black fiend!
Get your hand out of my drawers!
I'm a mother!
Mummy!
Mummy!
Mummy!
Penny!
Penny!
I'm over here.
So you are.
I'd recognise you anywhere, My Lord.
I must say it suits you.
Please don't do that, I'm not well.
It's me. Captain Bules Martin.
And I'm your doctor.
Come in, Doctor.
Did you bring some furniture?
I say!
Is this you?
Yes, tell me the worst. Where am I?
Yeah, you're number 29 Cul de Sac Place.
Yes, I know that, but what borough?
Ah, that's pretty bad news, I'm afraid.
- It's Paddington.
- Quick, put a card.
Put a card in the window.
No coloureds, no children
and definitely no coloured children.
Don't worry.
Doctor Bules Martin looks like
he's come to stay.
You're still under your doctor.
If everyone thought like you,
this world would be a much happier place.
Breathe in.
In...
- Out.
- Out!
Yes.
How's your water?
It hasn't run properly for years.
Oh well, we'll soon fix that.
Have you got a washer somewhere?
One, two, three, 12...
Cough.
- You married?
- No, not at the moment.
Well, I'd advise against it. Against it.
Listen.
Harken.
Survivors of the Third
Gurkhas, quick march!
It's the Burma reunion.
And hot dinner.
The Cavalry cometh!
I must find the Albert Hall.
I shall be out till dawn.
No, don't wait up. And don't take any rent.
That's got rid of him.
Come on, Abdul, let's get the furniture in.
Mummy!
Thank you, my dear.
As you chaps know, electricity is
the life blood of civilisation.
Without electricity, civilisation
as we know it could not survive.
So I intend, with God's help,
to go on pedalling this bicycle...
...until we've hit this
desolation for six...
...and won God's just victory
over the forces of evil.
Mummy!
Mummy!
Mummy!
I'll look up here.
No...
Oi, you watching?
Oh, please come down!
Okay, coming.
I like it! I like it!
More! More! Oh!
What are you doing with that?
It's not raining.
Come on.
♪ Roll me over in the clover ♪
♪ Do it again ♪
♪ Roll me over... ♪
♪ On the road to Mandalay ♪
- Who's there?
- Oh, for pity's sake!
No coloureds, damn you!
Have you
not yet finished with my poor bruised body?
Are you
that black man's woman?
That's hardly likely,
in my condition.
And what is
your condition?
I'm a cupboard.
Will nobody close my doors?
I'm Lord Fortnum of Alamein. Who are you?
I'm Mrs Frereton.
Well, madam,
in view of the ghastly circumstances...
...in which we both find ourselves,
...I suggest we speak
only when spoken to and hold our tongues.
Very well, if you think so.
Mummy!
Mummy!
Mummy! Mummy!
Mummy!
Oh, let's sleep here for a bit.
We can look again when it's light, love.
I will say this for him,
...I can't really say anything for him,
...except he is like
a sheet of white paper.
I haven't seen a sheet of white paper
for years I could draw a face on.
His poor suit!
Crumple-fashion little
stitches on the edges.
And I'll say this for him,
...trendy boy.
You can say his lapels are crumpled...
...and he has got a nose
where noses used to be.
And I'll say this for him.
He's always here.
Wherever his feet are, he is.
Toes are bent upwards, but he's straight,
...flat.
Stupid as the sun.
I will say this for him.
And he has got twirly hair.
But you do get the whole of him,
...now, to stroke.
There's nobody else.
♪ Roll me over in the clover ♪
♪ Roll me over in the clover ♪
♪ Roll me over,
lay me down and do it again ♪
♪ When she's... ♪
- All right, Sergeant, let's just check your ruler.
- That's, uh...
- ...22 inches, sir.
- Carry on.
Thank you.
Head, 22 inches.
Ah, taking my measurements!
Chest, 22 inches.
That's right. That's the hammer.
Get it all down, eh!
Inside leg,
- 22 inches, sir.
- You're right.
Right, sir. We'll let you know.
Thank you very much, thank you.
Ah! There are my children!
Hello, Daddy!
You won't want their measurements,
of course, they're a bit young.
My word! What a hairy trunk!
Keep moving.
You going to let me know, then?
Uh, who are you?
They are.
I must say, they seemed rather
impressed with my inside leg.
Excuse me, sir, but it was a 22, wasn't it?
- Yes, I believe it was.
- I say!
Not many of them left, you know.
Like to shake you by the hand.
Yeah, I would, but not
until I've referred it...
- ...to the Ministry of Health.
- Quite, quite.
Can't be too careful.
You in business, then?
- Hmm?
- Looking for a partner?
No, I am a partner.
Of course. Who is your partner?
I don't need one,
I'm just Partner and Company.
I say, uh, is that your daughter?
I say, it is. Chubby little thing.
- Well-built young girl.
- Thank you.
Been going on for some time?
- Eighteen months.
- Eight... Indeed, indeed!
Well,
I'd like your permission to...
...call upon your daughter.
Often. Starting now.
No.
I'd like a bit more off here, for courting.
Ah! Ah, yes, that's much better.
I'm not one of your hippie types, you know.
Such as that never won fair lady.
Anything else, sir?
But Daddy, I love Alan.
Love?
Love is a four-letter word.
Come to that, so is bull.
Cat is a three-letter word.
Right.
You're going to make a famous son-in-law.
Been my ambition for years.
Uh...
Now, look here, Mr Frereton!
You can't arrange
this thing over our heads, you know.
Can't I?
Captain Bules Martin is a man of subsidence
and property, if not more.
Moreover, he's a partner.
A very fitting
son-in-law for a future Prime Minister.
Who is?
I am.
You don't imagine they gathered my
measurements for nothing, do you?
Show me a 22 inside leg
and I'll show you a future Prime Minister.
It's a well-known fact.
I expect Mrs Ethel Shroake...
...to consider my credentials any day now.
That trunk of yours, get rid of it.
This is not my trunk.
He tied his thumbs up with string and
exposed himself for a limited period...
...between Bagshot and Camberley.
Was that you, sir?
A post-war gesture, I suppose.
I hope you destroyed the string.
Get out of it! Shoo! Get out!
Clear out!
Naughty...!
I love St Paul's, you know.
Dearly love us to be married here.
Ah! Vicar!
May be requiring your services soon.
My fiancée and I.
I'm not surprised.
I wouldn't leave it too long, if I were
you. Chubby little thing, isn't she?
My patient, you know.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'll just go in for a minute
and get spruced up a bit.
I can't go through with it.
What?
Having this monster.
Well, no one else can have it, can they?
- Then it must be?
- It must be.
Well, I'll just slip into
an old wedding dress.
No, no, wait a minute, darling.
Go behind the screen.
Oh, really, darling,
you've watched a lady undress...
...before today, haven't you?
Of course, darling.
I'll go behind the screen with you.
I wish Mother could have
been alive to see it.
Uh, just a thought.
Have you considered the new economical
combined marriage and divorce ceremony?
Three pounds one shilling. Catholics extra.
No, no, we couldn't afford
the divorce just now.
She'll have to be satisfied
with the wedding.
Later on, of course, when I'm earning,
then we can get the annulment.
Uh, this is the instant God kit, sir.
Good luck.
Alley-up there.
Would you join hands, please?
Good, good.
And now for a good book.
♪ Oh, and the naughty gamekeeper ♪
♪ Took her into the potting shed v
♪ And laid her upon the ground ♪
♪ And with hands quivering, he ripped... ♪
I say, look here, that's not the Bible.
I know, it's Lady Chatterley's Lover.
But if you prefer the old twit version,
I think I can still recall it.
♪ Do you, Bules Martin, take this
girl to be your lawful wedded wife? ♪
♪ I was expecting you
to ask me that question ♪
♪ As it so happens, I do ♪
♪ And do you, Penelope, take this lawful
wedded man to be your husband? ♪
I do.
♪ And do you promise,
Penelope Rose Frereton ♪
♪ To cherish your husband
in sickness and in health ♪
♪ In trial and in ordeal
and in all that holy... ♪
I do!
I say, look here,
there's still some decency left.
Come on, darling, let's get out of here.
Stop!
Haven't finished, have we?
I now pronounce you man and wife.
On your mark, get set...
Get out of my bedroom, you Peeping Tom.
Ah! This ought to do the trick.
You've got two hours, mate.
- I won't need this, then, will I?
- No!
My God! When was my last virility test?
Congratulations, Mrs Martin.
I thought you'd never get here.
- Excuse me, sir. BBC Television.
- Yes?
When did you first decide
to become a politician?
Did you get that?
I'm afraid I didn't, sir.
Would you like to try again?
It began when I measured
my inside leg one day,
...as we all do.
And I found that I was very well-equipped.
Good heavens! Penelope?
Hello, Daddy.
But you're promised
to Captain Bules Martin, you slut.
Come down at once.
I married him this morning, Daddy.
So you did.
That's all right, then.
Carry on.
Wife sent you along, did she?
Well, it did occur to me that I
might review the circumstances.
Huh. You'll love it.
Yeah, I can't keep away.
You'll learn to love your virility test.
I've always had a very good wind.
Mmm, oh dear.
- Who's wrong?
- Well, my wife...
She... Well...
Oh!
Best thing, uh, best thing to do is
talk dirty among yourselves.
Well, if you can't come to that,
flick through the dirty books.
Is it?
- Is it?
- Due?
- Due?
- I knew it.
- Ooh!
- Should have kept my socks on.
Look, never mind, my love.
I'll nip downstairs and
get some boiling water.
Come. Come on down.
Come on, we'll just nip down.
Pretty Poll. Pretty Poll!
Ah, did you pass your virility test, son?
I don't know. Hard to tell.
You see, lights fused
at the critical moment.
Where's my bride? She
should be able to tell.
Sit down, son. Your bride is in labour.
Oh, God!
Daddy, I need a drink.
What'll you have, old boy?
I'll have a large, uh, water.
With water?
No, nothing with it.
- Here you are.
- Good. Thanks.
A pleasure.
Well, I think I'll
wander along to the saloon car, bar.
Well, here we are again.
Another one for you? Pleasure, old friend.
Oh, I knew.
As soon as I grasped the test-tube
firmly in my right hand.
None of your cheek and impotence.
Cheek?
- You'll like it, I think.
- Thank you.
Jolly good health.
Evening.
We're looking for a man.
Are you indeed, Inspector?
There aren't many of us left, you know.
We're also looking for a bed sitting room.
Aren't we all?
True. True.
We're on the trail of a
foul and grisly murder.
I say, isn't that the
first, uh, post-war murder?
Things are looking up for you
in popular fiction.
Yes, we've had a pretty
thin time of it recently.
Yes.
What with 40 million dead,
we haven't been
able to see the wood for the trees.
Yes, quite.
But this is murder, not glory.
How do you do?
We are also looking for a trunk,
if the Inspector doesn't mind me saying so.
And when we find it,
we shall know why we're looking for it.
Penelope!
Penelope!
Penelope!
Penelope!
Penelope!
Penelope...
Relax, dearie. She's doing very well.
Would you like to see the birth?
We've still got a few tickets left.
Let me go! She needs me!
No.
What she has need of is medical science.
Father?
Oh! Are you that bloke
what ordered the Van Gogh painting?
I am, I am. Hang it up there.
I think it might do better on the wall.
I wish you'd make your bleeding mind up.
Is your name Frereton?
No. It's not.
Never!
- That is the man you want.
- Never!
Only it's, uh, it's his
turn to be Prime Minister.
I know. I know.
I always knew
my inside leg would lead to power.
Dear Martin... Bules,
give me a hand, will you?
And get rid of my old togs, which I shall
not need as Prime Minister.
Martin, what about down there, eh?
Oh, fire, fire!
Fire!
- Did you say something?
- What? Me? No.
Fire!
All right, Sergeant, nip down and see
what that fire's about, would you?
I was just going to do so, actually, sir.
Can't have fires around
this time of the year.
Very well put, sir.
Down you go, then, Sergeant.
Right. Could you lower the
balloon a little, sir?
- Doing me best.
- Thank you.
Oh, my bloody leg!
Never mind about your bloody leg!
Look at me, I'm drifting!
Grab hold of the rope!
Grab hold of the rope, Constable.
Sir's drifting.
Sir's more than drifting! Sir's away!
Grab the anchor!
I didn't join the force just to
drift aimlessly into the void!
Right, sir! Hold on, sir, we'll soon
have you out of trouble!
Grab the anchor!
I've got hold of it, sir.
Everything's under control!
Oh, my God! Pull me down, Sergeant!
I will, sir!
Use your weight and gravity.
I'll come and help you!
I haven't got much gravity left, sir!
What a lovely dome that is.
Wren, isn't it?
No, it's not rain, sir.
It looks a bit cloudy,
...but I don't think we're in for any rain.
Sorry, sir.
Ever thought of dropping off
the balloon suddenly, Sergeant?
We have this new system.
Instead of moving the baby out,
we move the furniture in.
Excuse me.
What are you doing to my Penny?
We should all ask ourselves,
...is it really necessary
for people to leave the womb nowadays?
That's when most of the trouble seems
to start in this wicked world.
My God, it's monstrous!
It may well be, but you must be prepared
to love your monster.
Oh, we have some medicated wallpaper here.
Perhaps you'd like
to chose a pattern to suit your womb.
Then, in come the three bears.
And Daddy Bear said,
..."Who's been sleeping in my porridge?"
And the Mama Bear said,
..."That's no porridge. That was my wife."
Waste of time telling bleeding chinks...
There were three pandas, see?
Sergeant!
Sir!
Quick, man, they're coming over the wire.
Where, sir? I can see no one whatever, sir.
Put these glasses to your eyes, you idiot!
No, sir. Duff information, sir.
I can see nothing whatever, sir.
Nothing untoward to report, sir.
- No sign of the enemy, sir.
- Here.
Are you the bloke, uh, officer,
...what was in charge of the nuclear
detergent in the last atomic war?
I am he.
Bad news. It has been returned to sender.
And there's three and nine to
pay on it in Chinese dollars.
- Good heavens! We got a reply.
- I can't help that, mate.
You didn't reckon
with the chinky-poo post office, did you?
- Well, it's a bit late now.
- Yes.
Sixty-five million pounds
it cost to develop that bomb.
Pity about the three and nine.
We could have won, you know.
Damnable bad luck!
Dad will get a nice surprise.
- Dad!
- Dad!
- Daddy?
- Daddy?
- Dad?
- Dad?
Sorry we're late home, Dad.
I had the baby.
Don't you think he looks
a bit like you, sir?
It's been a long day.
Good night.
Rape!
Damn it,
I can hold my tongue no longer!
- What?
- How dare you, adulterer!
How dare you
take advantage of our feathered friend!
- Mummy!
- I'm so ashamed.
Compromised internally
in front of my own daughter.
Close my doors at once.
- Can't we go into this in the morning?
I'm all... - Daddy, it's Mummy.
Very well, Captain.
But be gentle with me.
Nighty-night.
Night-night, Mum.
Good night, dear.
Uh, good night, Dad.
MARTINI No.
Nothing edible here.
You know, ever since they
dropped the, uh, you know,
...woodworms have become quite extinct.
Oh, really?
Very strange.
Perhaps it wasn't the Russians and
Americans who dropped it, then.
Perhaps it was Rentokil.
Dinner is served, Daddy-o.
Well...
Well, I don't know who he is,
but he's just in time.
Well. Sit you down.
What? What is it, darling? Chicken?
No, it's Daddy.
Oh. Well, never mind.
Don't take it too hard.
We'll let his perch to another bird,
if we can find one.
Be gentle, Bules.
How did this terrible thing happen?
After his career in politics,
...he said he wanted his body
to be left to science.
Then he threw himself off his perch.
Here, what's that silly thing?
It's her father.
Father, eh? Ooh! This'll
mean a by-election.
Oh dear Lord!
Cor, he tastes marvellous.
We've never had so good.
I am moving.
Gas masks on!
Gas masks on! Hurry up.
Atomic bomb, radiation rising! Hurry up!
Radiation rising. Masks on!
All your masks on!
My word,
it's a good job the Minister of Defence...
...had a sense of humour
when he invented these masks.
Mind you, I was thinking. I don't think
the human face fits the modern need.
- You don't?
- No.
If I had my way
in the hurly-burly of post-atomic living,
...I'd have a bloke's mouth
on top of his nut.
You see, then when he's late for work...
...all he has to do is slide
his breakfast under his hat...
...and eat it on the way to the office.
Do you think we've come
to the end of it all?
Oh, dear.
Nah.
Get your masks on!
Get your masks on!
Get your masks on! Atomic bomb!
Oh, please, God, not again.
Bloody fog.
What's to become of us now?
Well, we'll just have to keep going.
What for?
Because we're British.
British?
Well, what a lot of use that is.
We don't even know who's won the war.
We've run out of food. No medicine.
We're eating our parents.
British!
And another thing. If I had my way,
...I'd have a bloke's genitals
on the end of his finger.
He'd wear a glove, of course?
Oh, yes!
You don't want the frost to get at it, eh?
And you think how handy it would
be in them non-corridor trains.
He could waggle it
out the window then, couldn't he?
Where would you put a woman's equivalent?
Well, I'd...
I'd have that up here on her shoulder. See?
- Oh?
- Then she couldn't get raped by, uh, midgets.
Supposing they stood
on each other's shoulders?
No! It'd be easier for her to kneel down.
Oh no, it wouldn't work.
Out of the question!
- How do you mean?
- Picture to yourself.
Crowded train, a young man gets up to
give his seat to a young, pretty girl.
She doesn't notice at first, and then...
..."Excuse me, miss." Ah?
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Oh dear, indeed.
That would put the price of tickets
up on the Tube, wouldn't it, eh?
Isn't it looking a bit off to you?
Well, take him inside, then.
No-poking compartment.
Ah, let's get in now, dear.
Blowing up foggy.
Here, here, here. Come here.
Turn round, darling.
What?
Pardon... Pardon me, miss.
Rubber?
Please go away.
It's rubber.
It's rubber! Rubber!
Gas.
This is a killer fog, all right.
Just like the old clays.
Eh? Isn't it, eh?
Hey! You'll enjoy this.
It was horrible how they were gassed.
Oh!
My baby!
My poor baby!
It's dead!
Now, look, darling,
we all know that Rupert was thing.
It was our thing. Ours!
We made it, Alan and I.
It was the only thing
I ever cared for in the whole world.
Well, never mind, darling,
we might someday make another.
What a shame. What a shame.
Here. Here, darling, I'll drink that silly,
silly bottle of milk up for you.
MARTINI That's right.
Hey! Look! He's already got the hang of it.
Look, darling,
why don't we adopt this one? Mmm?
Here we are. There's his rattle.
Diddles want his rattle, then?
Diddles want his rattle?
Piss off!
Listen, darling, his first words.
"Piss off!"
Piss off.
Sergeant, I think we've found
what we've been looking for.
Proceed in orderly fashion towards target,
map reference 79, D-3 and remove same.
The rubber! The rubber!
It is the end of us, my friends!
Oh, yes! The end, my friends, is in sight!
I carried little Rupert inside me for 17 months
rather than let him out into this wicked world.
Yes, my friend, rubber.
It is the end of us!
Stretch and repent!
It's because of the rubber,
stretching his way around the world.
Run, brothers, run!
The rubber will get you wherever you hide!
The rubber is come.
Stretch, brothers, and repent!
We've provoked the hand and the foot,
...and the elbow, and the knees,
and the teeth of God!
- Right, Sergeant.
- Stand by, men.
That's why he dropped the bomb.
The bomb?
The bomb!
- The bomb.
- The bomb?
The bomb!
Stop!
Dear God!
That's the fellow!
Stretch and repent all your wicked ways!
Follow me and ye shall be saved!
Run, brothers, run!
We can all stretch and repent!
Stop!
Stop! Stop in the name of the Lord!
Here, it's God! It's God.
He's come back on us.
Good old God, mate.
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
He's a Socialist, you know.
Quiet, Labour scum!
What?
He's... He's a bleeding Conservative.
Here, hold hard a minute,
you don't sound like God,
...you sound like Lord Fortnum.
I also do impressions.
Save us, Lord God,
from the dreadful death by radiation.
Save us, oh, God,
...from the temptations
and perversions of the rubber.
Save me and I'll give up
being an atheist, Goddy.
God, give me back my baby.
Yes, well, uh, yes indeed!
In the fullness of time
we'll see what we can do.
Good, now well, um...
That's not God, that's Lord Fortnum,
the well-known bed sitting room.
What? What? Lies!
Captain Bules Martin!
That's God, I recognise the voice.
A large brown substance
has come to our attention.
Bules, darling! Say something!
My God, Nigel! And alive!
You left me on a left luggage rack.
There's seventeen pounds
seven shillings to pay, Bules Martin.
But apart from that,
there are no further charges against you.
Provided that you have the immediate funds
about your person, that is.
It is.
Is it?
- Another.
- Due?
I knew there was something in there.
I'm going to be another mummy.
I expect you may be wondering why
I've invited you all here this afternoon.
I've just come
from an audience with Her Majesty,
...Mrs Ethel Shroake.
And I'm empowered by her to tell you
that in the future,
...clouds of poisonous nuclear fog
will no longer be necessary.
Mutations will cease sine die.
And furthermore,
I'm the bringer of glad tidings.
A team of surgeons at
the Woolwich Hospital...
...have just accomplished the world's first
successful complete body transplant.
The donor was the entire
population of South Wales...
...and the new body is
functioning normally.
I myself saw it sit up in bed,
wink and ask for a glass of beer.
All in all, I think we're in for a time
of peace, prosperity and stability,
...when the earth will burgeon forth anew,
the lion will lie down with the lamb,
...and the goat give suck to the tiny bee.
At times of great national emergency,
...you'll often find that
a new leader tends to emerge.
Here I am. So watch it.
Keep moving, everybody. That's the spirit.
Keep moving!
Come on, Sergeant.
Come on. Come on, Sarge. Come on, then.
Come on. You can come
with us then, Sergeant.
This is BBC Television.
I have great news for the country.
Great Britain is a first-class
nuclear power again.
♪ God save Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
♪ Long live Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
♪ God save Mrs Ethel Shroake ♪
♪ Of 393A High Street, Leytonstone ♪
Good night.