The Barefoot Executive (1971) - full transcript

[ Bell Ringing ]

**

* HE'S GONNA MAKE IT
RIGHT TO THE TOP *

* THAT CRAZY MOVIN' GROOVIN' KID
WHO JUST WON'T STOP *

* HE'S GONNA REARRANGE
THE GOOD OL' STATUS QUO *

* AND GET IT ALL TOGETHER

* WITH THE THINGS
HE'S GOT TO KNOW *

* HE'S GONNA MAKE IT
HE'S GONNA MAKE IT *

* HE'S GONNA TAKE THIS
COCKEYED WORLD AND SHAKE IT *

* HE'S GONNA SHOW THEM
HE'S A WINNER IN THE END *

* WITH A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK



* AND A LITTLE BITTY
BAREFOOT FRIEND *

* WHEN THEY START RAPPIN'
THAT HE'S TOO YOUNG *

* HE MAKES HIS MIND UP THAT
HE'LL WIND UP NUMBER ONE *

* AND THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
WILL KNOW THAT HE'S AROUND *

* THOUGH OTHER CATS GET UPTIGHT
AND TRY TO PUT HIM DOWN *

* HE'S GONNA MAKE IT
HE'S GONNA MAKE IT *

* HE'S GONNA TAKE THIS
COCKEYED WORLD AND SHAKE IT *

* HE'S GONNA SHOW THEM
HE'S A WINNER IN THE END *

* WITH A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK

* AND A LITTLE BITTY
BAREFOOT FRIEND *

[ Horns Honking ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

[ Horn Honking,
Tires Screeching ]

* WHEN THEY START RAPPIN'
THAT HE'S TOO YOUNG *



* HE MAKES HIS MIND UP THAT
HE'LL WIND UP NUMBER ONE *

* AND THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
WILL KNOW THAT HE'S AROUND *

* THOUGH OTHER CATS
GET UPTIGHT *

* AND TRY TO PUT HIM DOWN

* HE'S GONNA MAKE IT
HE'S GONNA MAKE IT *

* HE'S GONNA TAKE THIS
COCKEYED WORLD AND SHAKE IT *

* HE'S GONNA SHOW THEM
HE'S A WINNER IN THE END *

* WITH A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK

* AND A LITTLE BITTY

* BAREFOOT FRIEND

* HE'S GONNA MAKE IT

* LITTLE BITTY
BAREFOOT FRIEND *

* HE'S GONNA MAKE IT

* LITTLE BITTY
BAREFOOT FRIEND *

* HE'S GONNA MAKE IT

* LITTLE BITTY
BAREFOOT FRIEND *

* HE'S GONNA MAKE IT

* LITTLE BITTY
BAREFOOT FRIEND *

* LITTLE BITTY
BAREFOOT FRIEND **

[ Horn Honking ]

HI, MARK.

COME ON, JEN.
IT'S ALMOST OVER.

I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.
I TOLD STEVE I'D WAIT FOR HIM.

[ Sighs ]
I SUPPOSE HE'S AT THAT
CRUMMY NIGHT SCHOOL AGAIN.

ROGER, EVERYONE CAN'T BE
A STANFORD MAN.

UNFORTUNATELY. BUT HE
DRIVES EVERYONE NUTS.
ESPECIALLY UNCLE.

WELL, HE WON'T
BOTHER HIM TONIGHT.

BELIEVE ME,
ANYONE WHO GRADUATES...

FROM THE
MOONRISE NIGHT SCHOOL
ON MELROSE AVENUE...

IS CERTAINLY NOT GONNA
MAKE IT AT THE NETWORK.

HI, ROG.
STEVE, IT'S ABOUT TIME.

YEAH. HEY, LISTEN.
WE HAD THIS GUEST LECTURER.

AND THIS GUY HAD A GREAT IDEA
ABOUT DOING A STORY ON
ABE LINCOLN'S DOCTOR'S DOG.

IT WAS REALLY
A GREAT IDEA.

LOOK, DON'T MENTION IT
TONIGHT, OKAY ?
YEAH, OKAY.

HEY, HOW'S
THE SHOW GOING ?
NOT VERY WELL.

I HAVEN'T HEARD
ANY LAUGHS YET.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.

I SAW IT, AND IT'S A BOMB.
IF WILBANKS'D JUST LISTEN TO ME.

STEVE, YOU PROMISED
YOU WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

WHO'S SAYING
ANYTHING ?
SHHH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
HOW'D YOU LIKE--
WHAT DID YOU--

HOW WAS THE, UH--
DID YOU--

HARRY, WHAT DID YOU THINK ?

REGARDLESS OF MY PERSONAL
FEELINGS, MR. WILBANKS,

I THINK THIS SHOW WILL HAVE
A VERY GOOD RATING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "REGARDLESS
OF YOUR PERSONAL FEELINGS" ?

WELL, I-- I JUST
DON'T HAPPEN TO LIKE TV
VERY MUCH, THAT'S ALL.

HE DOESN'T LIKE TV.
HE'S THE MORNING
PROGRAM DIRECTOR.

STEVE, PLEASE BE QUIET.

CHARMING, MR. WILBANKS.
I MEAN, SIMPLY CHARMING.
AHHH.

[ Man ]
LOVED IT, FRANCIS.
THANK YOU.

SOME OF THEM LIKED IT.
[ Man ]
JEN, TELEPHONE.

OF COURSE THEY SEEMED TO LIKE
IT. HE'S THE VICE PRESIDENT
IN CHARGE OF PROGRAMMING.

CAN YOU IMAGINE
WHAT HE'D DO IF SOMEONE
DIDN'T SEEM TO LIKE IT ?

YES, OPERATOR.
MR. WILBANKS, INTERNATIONAL
CALLING. IT'S FARNSWORTH.

FARNSWORTH.
THAT VULTURE.

NOW, REALLY, WILBANKS,
HE ISN'T THAT BAD.
YES, HE IS.

I KNOW THAT MAN. EVERY TIME
HE THINKS I'M IN TROUBLE, HE
CALLS UP AND CONGRATULATES ME.

I TELL YOU,
HE DOES IT EVERY TIME.
HELLO, FARNSWORTH.

WHAT A SHOW, FRANCIS.
WHAT A SHOW.

THANK YOU, FARNSWORTH.

IT WAS SO, SO... DIFFERENT.

- DIFFERENT ?
- YES, ABSOLUTELY.

INCIDENTALLY,
CLIFFORD DROPPED BY.

HE SENDS REGARDS
FROM HIS ENTIRE STAFF
AT CONTINENTAL.

HIYA, FRANCIS.

HELLO, CLIFFORD.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT,
FARNSWORTH, BECAUSE, YOU SEE,
WHAT I WAS TRYING TO DO--

YES, WE'LL HAVE LUNCH
AND TALK ABOUT IT
SOMETIME SOON.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, FRANCIS,
YOU OLD SCOUNDREL.

YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

WELL, I KNOW I'M IN TROUBLE.
THEY BOTH CONGRATULATED ME.

OH, WELL, DON'T WORRY.
IT'S WHAT OUR BIG BRASS
THINKS THAT COUNTS.

YES, BUT WHAT DO THEY THINK ?
THERE HASN'T BEEN A WORD
FROM NEW YORK.

ROGER !
YES, SIR ?

DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT.
GET ME NEW YORK.

THEY'RE LOLLING AROUND THERE
IN THE LAP OF LUXURY.
WE PUT ON A NEW SHOW.

THE PRESIDENT OF THE NETWORK
DOESN'T EVEN CALL AND TELL ME
WHAT HE THINKS OF IT.

HI-LINE, PLEASE.
MR. CRAMPTON, NEW YORK.
GOOD BOY. HE GETS RIGHT--

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF IT ?
OH, WELL, THE AUDIENCE
SEEMED TO LIKE IT.

YES, THEY DID, THEY DID.
BUT I'M STILL WORRIED.

BUT UNCLE FRANCIS, I THINK
YOU ALWAYS OVER-WORRY
OUR FIRST SHOW.

IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK ?
WELL, LET'S HOPE THAT'S
THE CASE THIS TIME.

YES, SIR,
HERE HE IS.
[ Mutters, Clears Throat ]

HELLO, CHIEF !
HOW'D YOU LIKE THE SHOW ?

[ Man ]
JUST FINE, WILBANKS. FINE !

IS THERE SOMEBODY
THERE WITH YOU ?

OUR SPONSORS ARE HERE.
THEY WATCHED THE SHOW
WITH ME.

OH, THE SPONSORS ARE THERE.
WELL, WHAT DID THEY THINK
OF THE SHOW ?

THEY THOUGHT IT WAS
FINE TOO, JUST FINE.

HOW'D THE SHOWING GO
OUT THERE ?

FINE, JUST FINE. SEVERAL PEOPLE
LAUGHED SO HARD THEY FELL
RIGHT OFF THEIR CHAIRS.

[ Laughs ]
IN FACT, SOME OF THEM
ARE STILL APPLAUDING.

WELL, THE RATINGS
WILL BE OUT IN THE MORNING.

THEY'LL TELL US
THE STORY, FRANCIS.

YES, THEY CERTAINLY WILL.

GOOD NIGHT, FRANCIS.

GOOD NIGHT, CHIEF.

[ Applause ]
CUT !

NOT NOW,
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.

RATINGS. THAT'S ALL
THEY THINK ABOUT ARE RATINGS.

[ Sighs ] WE GET
GREAT AUDIENCE RESPONSE. YOU
HEARD THEM CLAPPING YOURSELF.

AND THEY'RE WORRIED
ABOUT THE RATINGS.

IT'S ENOUGH TO GIVE A MAN
NERVOUS PROSTRATION.

YOU LOOK A LITTLE PALE, UNCLE.
MAYBE I SHOULD GET YOUR PILLS.

YES, I FEEL A LITTLE PALE.
GET MY PILLS.

LOVE THAT CASTING, FRANCIS.
LOVE THAT CASTING !

YEAH, WASN'T IT GOOD ?
THE FELLOW WITH THE HAT ?
DIDN'T YOU LIKE HIM ?

OH, JEN, UH, WHAT'D YOU
THINK OF THE SHOW ?
WELL, I THOUGHT IT HAD...

CERTAIN POSSIBILITIES.
DID YOU ?
WELL, I'M GLAD TO HEAR--

YEAH, I THOUGHT THAT
MAYBE NEXT TIME, YOU COULD--
POST !

NOT TONIGHT !

OH, HE NEVER LISTENS.
HE'LL NEVER LISTEN !

STEVE, DID YOU
SLIP HIM A NOTE ?

JEN, ALL HE NEEDS
IS ONE GOOD PROGRAM IDEA.

STEVE !

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Horn Honking ]

MERTONS, WILL YOU STOP BLOWING
THAT INFERNAL HORN ?

JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW
I WAS HERE, BOSS.
I KNOW YOU'RE HERE.

THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD
KNOWS YOU'RE HERE. YOU'D THINK
YOU WERE PICKING UP YOUR DATE.

AND WILL YOU STOP
WITH THE DUSTING ?
I'M IN A HURRY TODAY !

YES, BOSS.

CHARLIE, YOU JUST
GET OFF YOUR BICYCLE,

AND YOU PUT THAT PAPER
ON THE FRONT PORCH.

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF DIGGING IT
OUT OF THE BUSHES EVERY DAY.

CARELESS, INCOMPETENT KIDS.
THEY GROW UP THAT WAY, AND THEN
THEY COME TO THE NETWORKS.

IT'S NO WONDER WE'RE HAVING
ALL THESE PROBLEMS.

SAY, BOSS, WOULD YOU ASK WILMA
TO MOVE HER CAR ?

NO, WILMA CAN'T MOVE HER CAR !
YOU'VE GOT A REVERSE GEAR
IN THIS THING, YOU KNOW.

OH, YEAH.

[ Charlie ]
HEY, MY BIKE !

MY BIKE !
MY BRAND-NEW BIKE !
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

YEAH, CARELESS,
INCOMPETENT KIDS, HUH ?
NOT HIM. YOU !

WELL, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE BIKE--
BUT THE PAPERS.

IF I DON'T DELIVER THEM,
I WON'T WIN THAT TRIP
TO CATALINA.

I'VE BEEN WORKING ALL YEAR
ON THAT TRIP TO CATALINA.

WELL, HE'S BEEN WORKING
ALL YEAR ON THE--

OH, PUT THE DARN PAPERS
IN THE CAR !

HOW I EVER LET MYSELF
GET SADDLED WITH MY WIFE'S
RELATIVES, I'LL NEVER KNOW.

[ Tires Screeching ]

HI, STEVE.
HI, JEN.

I, UH, GOT SOMETHING HERE
FOR WILBANKS.

STEVE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
DELIVER THE MAIL, NOT READ IT.
IT DOESN'T HURT ANYTHING.

STEVE, YOU'D BETTER KEEP MOVING.
MR. WILBANKS SHOULD BE HERE
ANY SECOND.

AND YOU KNOW HOW UPSET HE GETS
WHEN HE SEES YOU HANGING AROUND.
YOU MEAN HE'S NOT IN YET ?

MM-MM.
WELL, I CAN'T SAY I BLAME HIM
AFTER THAT SHOW LAST NIGHT.

STEVE, PLEASE JUST FORGET
ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S SHOW.

OKAY. IT'S JUST THAT I'VE
SEEN DISASTERS IN MY TIME, BUT
THAT ONE REALLY TAKES THE CAKE.

OH, GOOD MORNING,
MR. WILBANKS.
GOOD MORNING.

DID YOU HAPPEN
TO GET MY NOTE ?
YES, I GOT YOUR NOTE.

EVERY TIME I PUT MY HAND
IN MY POCKET, I GOT YOUR NOTE.

NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, STEVEN.
I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR
THEORIES ON RATINGS.

AND I'M CERTAINLY NOT INTERESTED
IN DOING A SHOW CALLED...

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S DOCTOR'S DOG,
WHATEVER THAT IS.

WHAT IS IT ?
UH, WELL, SIR,
IT'S VERY INTERESTING.

YOU SEE, WE HAD A GUEST SPEAKER
FROM OUR SCHOOL LAST NIGHT.

A MR. E.Z. POTTER.
YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD OF HIM.
E.Z. POTTER ?

YES, SIR.
HE'S FROM UP NORTH.

UP NORTH ?
WHERE UP NORTH ?
TULARE.

TULARE ?
YEAH.

HE'S GOT A SUREFIRE APPROACH
FOR MAKING A TOP-RATED TV SHOW.

HE DOES ?
YES, SIR, AND IT'S
VERY LOGICAL TOO.

YOU SEE,
IT'S BEEN HISTORICALLY PROVEN
THAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE...

HAVE ALWAYS PREFERRED STORIES
ABOUT: NUMBER ONE, ABE LINCOLN;

NUMBER TWO, DOCTORS;
AND NUMBER THREE, DOGS.

SO THE MOST POPULAR AND
HIGHEST RATED SHOW OF ALL...

WOULD BE A SHOW ABOUT
ABE LINCOLN'S DOCTOR'S DOG.

AND THAT IS THE KIND OF A SHOW
YOUR TV FRIEND FROM TULARE
WANTS ME TO MAKE ?

WELL, ACTUALLY, HE'S NOT
IN TV, SIR. HE'S IN RADIO.

RADIO ?
YES, SIR. THEY DON'T HAVE
A TV STATION UP THERE.

THEY DON'T ?

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S
DOCTOR'S DOG ?

YEAH.
TITLE'S KINDA LONG, BUT
IT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA.

- WAIT IN THE CAR.
- OH.

NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME, POST.
YOU GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOUR JOB HERE
IS TO DELIVER THE MAIL.

AND THAT IS ALL YOU ARE TO DO
IS TO DELIVER THE MAIL !

I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN YOUR QUACKY THEORIES...

THAT COME FROM YOUR
QUACKY TEACHERS THAT TEACH
IN YOUR QUACKY NIGHT SCHOOL.

YES, SIR. BUT
ACTUALLY, IN THIS CASE,
IT WASN'T A TEACHER.

I KNOW WHAT HE WAS !
HE WAS A RADIO MAN FROM TULARE !

ANYTHING IMPORTANT, JEN ?

OH, YES, SIR.
MR. CRAMPTON CALLED
FROM NEW YORK.

HE DID ?
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME THAT ?

WHEN THE PRESIDENT
OF THE NETWORK CALLS,

YOU DON'T LET ME STAND AROUND
TALKING ABOUT ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S
DOG'S DOCTOR.

UH, ABE LINCOLN'S
DOCTOR'S DOG, SIR.
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS.
HOW LONG AGO DID HE CALL ?

ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
AN HOUR ? WELL, YOU
SHOULD'VE CALLED ME AT HOME.

WELL, I DID,
BUT YOU WEREN'T THERE.

YOUR WIFE SAID YOU WERE
OUT ON SOME DELIVERIES.

OH, Y-YE-- DELIVERIES, YEAH.
WELL, GET HIM ON THE PHONE.

OH, HE SAID IT WOULDN'T BE
NECESSARY TO CALL HIM BACK.

JUST PICK HIM UP
AT THE AIRPORT NEXT TUESDAY.

HE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME ?
D-DID HE SEE THE RATINGS ?

WELL, I IMAGINE HE HAD,
BECAUSE HE ASKED
IF YOU HAD.

- HE DID ? WHERE ARE THEY ?
- NO, SIR, THEY'RE
IN THE OTHER PILE.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO ?
YOU CAN SEE I'M UNDER PRESSURE.

WELL, HE'S SURE
IN A BAD MOOD.
STEVE !

WHY DID YOU BRING UP
ABE LINCOLN'S DOCTOR'S DOG
ON A DAY LIKE THIS ?

[ Wilbanks ] OH, NO !
I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.
NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

[ Groaning ]
OHHH, THESE ARE TERRIBLE !
THESE ARE CATASTROPHIC !

JUST RELAX, MR. WILBANKS.
YOU'LL BE FINE.
OH, SURE.

YOU JUST GOT EXCITED.
YOU PROBABLY TOOK TOO MUCH
OXYGEN IN YOUR SYSTEM.

YOU KNOW, I HAD AN AUNT
WHO HAD THAT PROBLEM.
OH.

USED TO HELP HER
TO BLOW INTO A PAPER BAG.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED THAT ?

NO, I NEVER TRIED THAT. HELPED
HER ? SHE JUST BLEW RIGHT IN--
YES.

DON'T YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO ?
YES, SIR.

WELL, DO IT !
I'LL SEE YOU
TONIGHT, JEN.

JEN, YOU KNOW I NEVER INTERFERE
IN THE PERSONAL LIVES
OF MY EMPLOYEES--

[ Gulps ]
HOW CAN YOU STAND THAT BOY ?
BLOW INTO A PAPER BAG.

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS
I'M JUST KIND OF HOOKED, SIR.

[ Sobbing,
Speaking Italian ]

THERE, THERE, MAMA. EVERYTHING
IS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

YOU'LL GET OVER IT, MAMA.
DON'T WORRY.

WHAT'S THE MATTER ?
WE'VE GOT TO GO
TO SAN FRANCISCO.

[ Sobbing Continues ]

HI.
HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THE BERNADUCCIS ?

[ Crying ]
THEY HAVE TO GO
TO SAN FRANCISCO.

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID.
SO WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH SAN FRANCISCO ?

HEY, WHAT'S EVERYBODY
SNIFFLING ABOUT ?

MR. BERNADUCCI'S
BEEN TRANSFERRED.

WITH ALL THE FOG AND DAMPNESS,
THEY CAN'T TAKE RAFFLES.

HE GETS COLDS
TOO EASILY.
OH.

AND AFTER HAVING HIM
ALL THESE YEARS.

DON'T TAKE IT SO HARD.
WHAT'D THEY DO,
STICK HIM IN A ZOO ?

NO.

WELL, DID THEY PUT HIM
AWAY OR SOMETHIN' ?

NO, NOT THAT !

JEN, YOU DIDN'T
TAKE HIM ?

[ Steve ]
OH, NO !

WELL, I COULDN'T LET THEM
PUT HIM IN A ZOO.

I'D HAVE FOUND THAT
REAL EASY TO DO.

OHHH !

DO YOU THINK
HE'LL BE HAPPY HERE ?

I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU'RE BOTHERING WITH HIM.
HE'LL BE NOTHIN' BUT TROUBLE.

STEVE !

WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME ?

HE ONLY HAD THREE PEOPLE
IN THIS WORLD UP UNTIL TONIGHT.

MR. AND MRS. BERNADUCCI
AND ME.
OHH.

AND NOW HE ONLY HAS ME, AND
I'M NOT GOING TO LET HIM DOWN.

YOU'RE TREATING HIM
LIKE HE'S A HUMAN BEING.

HE'S JUST
A HARD-TO-GET-ALONG-WITH,
MISERABLE, SPOILED CHIMP !

SEEMS TO ME THAT
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S ACTING
HARD TO GET ALONG WITH.

OH, I'M SORRY.
LOOK, CAN WE JUST STICK HIM
IN THE BEDROOM ?

I'M NOT GOING TO DO
ANY SUCH THING.

HE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH
TODAY WITHOUT LOCKING HIM
IN SOME BEDROOM.

NOW YOU JUST GO IN
AND WATCH TV WITH HIM
WHILE I FINISH DINNER.

[ Sighs ]

[ Bird Cawing ]

[ Angry Chittering ]

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HIM ?
- I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HIM.

[ Chittering Continues ]

OH, HE CAN'T SEE
THE TV FROM THERE.

MOTHER CAREY'S CHICKENS !

[ Sportscaster ]
WELL, I GUESS YOU KNOW BY NOW,

YOU'RE WITNESSING
ONE OF THE WILDEST SLAM-BANG
FOOTBALL GAMES PLAYED ANYWHERE--

THE BALL'S SNAPPED TO HUMPHREY.
HE FAKES A HANDOFF TO
THE WINGBACK. HUMPHREY STEPS--

[ Sportscaster: Indistinct ]
NOW LEAVE IT ALONE, WILL YA ?

- [ Angry Chittering ]
- WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM NOW ?

NOTHING.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HIM.

- [ Angry Chittering ]
- OH, STEVE.

YOU CHANGED THE STATION.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
I CAN'T DO THAT ?

WELL, IF HE LIKES A PROGRAM
AND YOU CHANGE THE STATION,
HE GETS ALL UPSET.

HE DOES IT TO ME ALL THE TIME.
WELL, HE'S NOT
GONNA DO IT TO ME.

JEN.
STEVE, JUST TRY AND BE
A LITTLE PATIENT, OKAY ?

PATIENT, MY FOOT.
YOU EXPECT ME TO SIT HERE...

AND WATCH A LOUSY SHOW
CALLED MOTHER CAREY'S CHICKENS ?

** [ TV: Fanfare ]
WELL, IT'S OVER ANYWAY, SO
IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

IT MAKES A LOT OF DIFFERENCE.
THAT CHIMP IS SPOILED ROTTEN.

HE'S NOT SPOILED.
HE'S LONELY.

NOW, LET HIM HAVE HIS
OWN WAY TONIGHT, OKAY ?

STEVE, WOULD YOU
PLEASE POUR THE WINE ?
DINNER'S READY.

[ TV Announcer ]
STAY TUNED TO THIS STATION
FOR STAR JOURNEY...

WHICH FOLLOWS IMMEDIATELY.

HEY, JEN, STAR JOURNEY'S
COMING ON. THEY EXPECT THAT
TO RATE NUMBER ONE.

OH, GOOD.
I WANT TO SEE THAT.

...EPISODE
OF THE MAXWELL FAMILY,
THE PROGRAM FOR ALL AGES.

MAXWELL'S. IF YOU THINK
WE'RE GONNA WATCH THAT
SOAP OPERA, YOU'RE CRAZY.

- [ Changes Channel ]
- [ Angry Chittering ]

WHAT HAPPENED NOW ?
IT'S THAT CREEP. HE DOESN'T
WANT TO WATCH STAR JOURNEY.

STEVE, HE'S NOT A CREEP.
YEAH, WELL, HE SURE
ACTS LIKE ONE.

HE DID IT AGAIN.
JEN, WILL YOU DO SOMETHING ?

STEVE, JUST LET HIM HAVE
HIS OWN WAY TONIGHT, OKAY ?

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME WE CAN'T
WATCH STAR JOURNEY ON ACCOUNT
OF THAT CRUMMY CHIMP ?

JUST TONIGHT.
PLEASE ?

ALL RIGHT.

WITH ALL THE PETS IN THE WORLD,
YOU GOTTA END UP WITH A CHIMP
THAT LIKES BAD TV !

[ Phone Ringing,
Typewriter Clacking ]

MOTHER CAREY'S CHICKENS
AND THE MAXWELL FAMILY ?

WELL, WHO WOULD EVER FIGURE
THAT THOSE TWO SHOWS
WOULD END UP ON TOP ?

NOBODY IN THIS TOWN,
THAT'S FOR SURE.

[ Sighs ]

OH, HI, ROG.
KEEP MOVING.

MOTHER CAREY'S CHICKENS
AND THE MAXWELL FAMILY ?

[ Phone Ringing ]
HUH. HMM.

[ TV: Gunshots,
Horses Galloping ]

LOOK, STEVE,
AREN'T THESE CUTE ?
YEAH, THEY'RE REAL CUTE.

STEVE, SHOW
SOME INTEREST.
I SAID, THEY'RE REAL CUTE.

I THINK I'LL GET 'EM ALL.

- [ Cow Moos On TV ]
- HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
JUST BEAT IT, HUH ?

WE LIKE THE CHIMP, MISTER.

[ Cows Continue Mooing ]

** [ Choir Singing ]

**

** [ TV: Bugle Reveille ]

NOW DON'T DO THAT.
COME ON.

[ TV Announcer ]
THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
FOR WATCHING THE FASTEST GUN.

IT IS YOUR LOYAL VIEWING
THAT HAS MADE OUR PROGRAM...

ONE OF AMERICA'S
TOP-RATED SHOWS.

[ Gunshots Continue ]

** [ TV: Jazz ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

I JUST THOUGHT
I'D SPEND A LITTLE TIME
WITH YOUR ROOMMATE.

- WELL, HOW'D YOU GET IN ?
- THE LANDLADY.

- SHE'S REAL NICE.
- SHE SURE IS.

[ Raffles Chittering ]

CAN YOU BEAT THAT ?

[ Jen ]
BEAT WHAT ?
O-OH, NOTHING.

HEY, JEN ?
WHAT ?

I KNOW WE'RE GONNA GO OUT
FOR SUPPER TONIGHT, BUT
LET'S JUST SKIP IT, OKAY ?

WELL, HOW COME ?
WHY SHOULD WE ?

WELL, THERE'S SOME SHOWS
I WANTED TO SEE TONIGHT.

LISTEN, WE'LL CALL
CHICKEN LICKIN', AND IT'LL BE
JUST AS MUCH FUN, HONEST.

** [ Waltz ]

[ Gunshots ]

[ Western Soundtrack ]

[ Chittering ]

[ Gunshots Continue ]

[ Chittering ]

[ Angry Chittering ]

**

[ TV: Dog Barking ]

[ Steve ]
WHY, THAT LITTLE SON OF A GUN.
HE PICKED 'EM ALL !

7:30 TO 12:00.
HOLY SMOKE, HE KNOWS !

[ Wilbanks ]
JEN ?

HE KNOWS.
WHO KNOWS ?

ANIMALS.
JUST LIKE IN THE WESTERNS.

NOBODY SEES THE RATTLESNAKE
BECAUSE HE'S HIDDEN
BEHIND THE SAGEBRUSH.

IT'S THE HORSE WHO REARS
AND SAVES THE COWBOY'S LIFE.

HE KNOWS !
I HOPE SO.

OH, YOU'RE GONNA
THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS
I CAME ALONG, MR. WILBANKS.

YOU'LL KISS
THE GROUND I WALK ON.

[ Phone Ringing ]
I WILL ?

HE KNOWS.
HE KNOWS !

IF IT HAPPENED ONCE,
IT MIGHT BE AN ACCIDENT.

BUT HE PICKS THE NUMBER ONE SHOW
EVERY SINGLE NIGHT ! HE KNOWS !

[ Horn Honking ]

HEY. HE KNOWS.

[ Tires Screeching ]

- [ Horn Honking ]
- [ Siren Wailing ]

I'M GONNA BE RICH.
WELL, THAT'S
JUST WONDERFUL.

NOW MAY I SEE
YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE ?
SURE.

THANK YOU. OKAY.

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE
A FRIEND OF MINE.

STEVE !
FOR YOU !

OH, STEVE,
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL !

BUT YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T
HAVE SPENT THE MONEY.

DON'T WORRY.
THERE'LL BE A LOT MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S A FUNNY THING.

EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE
GOING ALONG FOR YOU.

THEN ONE DAY YOU TURN A CORNER
AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE CHANGES,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN
YOU GOT THE WORLD
RIGHT IN YOUR HIP POCKET.

IT'S AMAZING,
ISN'T IT ?
YEAH.

RAFFLES ?
HEY, UH, WHERE IS HE, JEN ?

OH, HE'S WITH ROGER.

ROGER ?
YEAH, THEY LEFT
ABOUT TEN MINUTES AGO.

WHY ? WHAT FOR ?
WHERE'D HE GO ?
THEY WENT FOR A WALK.

HE WENT FOR A WALK
WITH THAT CREEP ?

I TOLD YOU BEFORE,
HE'S NOT A CREEP !

HOW COULD YOU
DO THIS TO ME ?
[ Sighs ]

** [ TV: Western Soundtrack ]

OH, HI, ROG.

OH, HI.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE ?

I HEARD YOU WERE TAKING A WALK.
I JUST THOUGHT I'D JOIN YOU.

YOU KNOW, THERE IS SOMETHING
REALLY WEIRD GOING ON HERE.
UH, WHAT ?

I-- I THINK THAT CHIMP
ACTUALLY LIKES TV.

- OH, YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING.
- NO, HE ACTUALLY SEEMS
TO BE ENTERTAINED.

- LOOK, HE REALLY LIKES IT.
- NO, NO. IT'S JUST THE LIGHTS.

A CERTAIN KIND OF LIGHT ATTRACTS
CERTAIN KINDS OF ANIMALS.
THAT'S A SCIENTIFIC FACT.

EH, I NEVER HEARD
THAT BEFORE.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT ?

I THOUGHT EVERYBODY KNEW THAT.
I LEARNED THAT
AT MOONRISE NIGHT SCHOOL.

- ON MELROSE AVENUE ?
- [ Angry Chittering ]

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH HIM ?
I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM
ACT LIKE THIS BEFORE.
WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM ?

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HIM.
LOOK, HE'S GONE MAD !

WELL, YOU MUST'VE STEPPED
ON HIS PAW OR SOMETHING.

HOW COULD I STEP ON HIS PAW
FROM OVER HERE ?

[ Chittering Continues ]

GOOD HEAV--

UH, EXCUSE ME.
HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

[ Blows Whistle ]

[ Man ]
GOOD. WE GOT IT.

COME ON, FELLOW.
WE'RE ALL THROUGH HERE.

THAT VICIOUS LITTLE--
KEEP THAT APE AWAY FROM ME.

COME ON.
OVER HERE, PAL.
UP ON THE TABLE.

JEN, THANK HEAVEN YOU'RE HERE.
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED.

WE'RE NOT FINISHED YET.
HEY, ROG, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT A THING.

WE'VE GOT THE BAIL.
WE'LL HAVE YOU OUTTA HERE
IN NO TIME.

JEN, HOW COULD YOU LET ME
BE ASSOCIATED WITH A BEAST
LIKE THAT ? HE'S A MONSTER.

HE'S NOT A MONSTER.
SOMETHING JUST GOT INTO HIM,
THAT'S ALL.

[ TV: Men Whooping ]

[ Crowd Cheering On TV ]

[ Blowing Raspberry ]

MAYBE HE JUST DOESN'T
LIKE BASKETBALL.

[ Policeman ]
OH, HE DOESN'T, DOES HE ?
WELL, I HAPPEN TO LIKE IT VERY--

YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME
THAT THING'S NOT A MONSTER.

THAT'S GONNA COST YOU
75 BUCKS.

FOR WHAT ? THAT ?

COME ON, FELLA. IT'S
GONNA COST AT LEAST 75 BUCKS
TO GET THAT THING FIXED.

OKAY, OKAY.
LOOK, WHO DO I PAY
TO BAIL THE CHIMP OUT ?

WE TAKE CARE OF IT
RIGHT HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT ME ?

GEE, I'M SORRY, ROG.
I'M OUT OF MONEY. I GOTTA
GET SOME MORE. DON'T WORRY.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU'RE
BAILING THAT CHIMP OUT...

AND LETTING ME STAY HERE
IN THIS DUMP ?

WAIT JUST A MINUTE, MAC.
THIS IS A PRETTY NICE PLACE.
WE HAPPEN TO LIKE IT DOWN HERE.

WELL, YOU HAVE TO.
I DON'T.

STEVE, WE AREN'T
GONNA LEAVE ROGER HERE ?

GEE, WE'VE GOTTA BE REALISTIC
ABOUT THIS THING, JEN.
I MEAN, UH--

IT'S EITHER ROGER OR THE CHIMP,
AND THIS IS OBVIOUSLY
NO PLACE FOR A CHIMP.

WELL, IT'S NO PLACE
FOR ME, EITHER !

WAVE GOOD-BYE
TO UNCLE ROGER NOW.

[ Raffles Chittering ]

MISERABLE CHIMP.

POOR LITTLE GUY.
POOR LITTLE GUY,
MY FOOT.

IT'S BACK TO THE
BERNADUCCIS FOR HIM.

OH, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING
SO EXCITED ABOUT ?
I NEED HIM !

YOU NEED HIM ?
UH, I-I MEAN,
I DON'T NEED HIM.

WHY WOULD YOU WANNA GIVE A POOR
LITTLE GUY LIKE THIS AWAY ?
I MEAN, THAT'S INHUMANE !

INHUMANE ? HE'S THE ONE
THAT'S INHUMANE.

YOU KNOW, HE'S
ALREADY BROKEN TWO TV SETS
AND A PLATE GLASS WINDOW.

LOOK, JEN, MAYBE HE'S JUST
TRYING TO GET SOMETHING
OUT OF HIS SYSTEM.

JUST GIVE HIM A FEW DAYS.
HE'LL BE OKAY.

[ Chittering ]
OKAY, I'LL GIVE HIM
TILL SATURDAY.

GOOD. BY SATURDAY,
HE'LL BE ACTING LIKE
A DIFFERENT CHIMP.

I GUARANTEE IT.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

I JUST CAN'T
UNDERSTAND IT.
UNDERSTAND WHAT ?

WHY HE'D GIVE ME
TICKETS TO TAKE YOU
TO THE BALL GAME.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND STEVE.

HE HAS A LOT OF NICE
QUALITIES ABOUT HIM.

LIKE WHAT ?

WELL, HE'S CHARITABLE.
HE GAVE YOU TICKETS
TO TAKE ME TO THE GAME.

YEAH, BUT I STILL THINK
THERE'S SOME MOTIVE BEHIND IT.

AND HE'S HONEST.
NOBODY CAN SAY
HE'S NOT HONEST.

AND AS FAR AS BEING TRUSTWORTHY,
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW ANYONE
I WOULD TRUST MORE THAN STEVE.

AND HE'S LOYAL
AND BRAVE AND--

JEN, WILL YOU FORGET IT ?
YOU'RE MAKING HIM SOUND
LIKE A BOY SCOUT.

[ Raffles Chittering ]

[ Chittering ]

COME ON, RAFFLES.

[ Chittering ]

[ Chittering ]

YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME,
MR. WILBANKS.

I'VE GOT A SCIENTIFIC APPROACH
TO RATING TV SHOWS.

IT'LL REVOLUTIONIZE
THIS WHOLE INDUSTRY.
WE CAN PUT UBC RIGHT ON TOP.

JEN, I'M GOING TO BE
VERY BUSY TODAY.

WILL YOU SEE TO IT
THAT I AM NOT DISTURBED...

UNLESS IT IS ABSOLUTELY
NECESSARY ?

I'VE GOT THE KEY
TO THIS WHOLE INDUSTRY,
AND HE WON'T LISTEN TO ME.

STEVE, JUST LEAVE
MR. WILBANKS ALONE TODAY.

MR. CRAMPTON'S COMING IN
FROM NEW YORK TOMORROW, AND
HE'S AS NERVOUS AS A KITTEN.

WAIT A MINUTE.
CRAMPTON'S COMING IN TOMORROW ?
MMM.

WHY, THAT'S PERFECT.
LOOK, JEN, I WON'T BE ABLE
TO SEE YOU TONIGHT.

I'VE GOT SOME HOMEWORK
I WANT TO DO.

[ Birds Squawking ]

[ Yawning ]

- ** [ Fanfare ]
- [ Chittering ]

[ TV Announcer ]
THE PROGRAMS OF THIS STATION...

[ Continues, Indistinct ]
OKAY, 12:30 TO 1:00,
CHANNEL 18.

OKAY, THAT DOES IT.
YOU CAN GO TO BED NOW.

YOU'VE HAD A HARD DAY'S WORK.
AND IF THIS DOESN'T CONVINCE
THEM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL.

** [ TV: "America" ]

"DEAR MR. CRAMPTON,

"AS A LOYAL MEMBER OF THE UNITED
BROADCASTING CORPORATION,

"I MUST TELL YOU THAT I SEEM
TO HAVE A STRANGE ABILITY...

"WHICH ENABLES ME
TO PICK THE SHOWS...

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
LIKE BEST."

** [ "America" Continues ]

[ Motorcycle Approaching ]

[ Horn Honks ]

HEY, MERTONS, THE OLD LIMO'S
LOOKIN' PRETTY SLICK.

IT BETTER.
I HAVE TO PICK UP
THE BIG MAN.

YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.
HEY, LISTEN.

WOULD YOU MIND
SLIPPING THIS TO CRAMPTON
IF YOU GET A CHANCE ?

UH, NO, I CAN'T DO THAT. IF THE
BOSS EVER CAUGHT ME PASSIN' ONE
OF YOUR NOTES TO THE CHIEF--

[ Grating Sound ]
DON'T WORRY ABOUT WILBANKS.
I GOT SOMETHIN' BIG GOIN'.

IT'S OUR CHANCE TO PUT THE
NETWORK ON TOP, AND I CAN PROVE
IT TO MR. CRAMPTON WITH THIS.

OUR NETWORK ON TOP ?
[ Laughing, Snorting ]

FORGET IT.

GUESS I WAS MISTAKEN. YOU'RE
JUST ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE WHAT ?

ONE OF THOSE WHO HAS SOMETHIN'
AGAINST YOUNG PEOPLE.

I NEVER SAID THAT.

HEY, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH A YOUNG MAN
GETTING AHEAD, ANYWAY ?

I MEAN, DIDN'T WILLIAM PITT
BECOME PRIME MINISTER
OF ENGLAND AT 24 ?

AND WHAT ABOUT
ALEXANDER HAMILTON ?

YOU KNOW,
HE SIGNED THE DECLARATION
OF INDEPENDENCE AT 19.

LOOK AT ALEXANDER THE GREAT.
WHY, HOW OLD WAS HE WHEN
HE CONQUERED MACEDONIA ?

I FORGET.
AND LOUIS XIV.

THE GREATEST RULER
FRANCE EVER HAD.

YOU KNOW, HE BECAME KING
AT THE AGE OF FOUR.
FOUR ?

YEAH, THERE WAS EVEN
A BRITISH KING WHO TOOK OVER
WHEN HE WAS NINE MONTHS OLD.

I CAN GO ALL THROUGH HISTORY
AND SHOW YOU PEOPLE THAT BECAME
GREAT LEADERS AT EARLY AGES.

HUH. YEAH, BUT WHAT'S THAT
GOT TO DO WITH--
HEY, HERE HE COMES.

NOW, I KNOW YOU'LL FIND
THE RIGHT TIME TO SLIP IT
TO MR. CRAMPTON.

MORNING, MR. WILBANKS.
YES, MORNING, MORNING.

HAVE A NICE TRIP.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
HAVE A NICE TRIP ?

I'M ONLY GOING
TO THE AIRPORT.

WELL, HAVE A NICE TRIP
TO THE AIRPORT.

SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG,
WILBANKS. WE'RE ALWAYS
THIRD IN THE RATINGS.

WHICH WOULD BE ALL RIGHT, BUT
THERE ARE ONLY THREE NETWORKS !

WE COME UP
WITH LOSER AFTER LOSER,
DISASTER AFTER DISASTER.

BUT CHIEF, I'VE BEEN THROUGH
47 PILOT FILMS THIS YEAR--
WELL, MAYBE IT'S YOUR STAFF.

HAVE YOU GOT
EXPERIENCED PEOPLE ?

WELL, EXPERIENCE IS HARD
TO COME BY, CHIEF.

ALL YOU'VE GOT
AVAILABLE TO YOU TODAY
ARE A LOT OF YOUNG KIDS,

RUNNING AROUND,
TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW
TO RUN YOUR BUSINESS.

SPEAKING OF KIDS TELLING YOU
HOW TO RUN YOUR BUSINESS,
THIS IS FOR YOU, MR. CRAMPTON.

[ Sighs ]
IS THAT FROM STEVEN POST ?

WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER THE CHIEF
WITH A THING LIKE THAT ?

ISN'T IT BAD ENOUGH
THAT I'M BOTHERED BY HIM ?

HE SAYS HE'S GOT A FOOLPROOF
METHOD OF DETERMINING
THE TOP-RATED PROGRAMS.

HMM. HE'S AMBITIOUS.

HE'S RATED ALL
OF LAST NIGHT'S SHOWS.

"CHECK WITH
THE OVERNIGHT RATINGS.
YOU'LL SEE I'M RIGHT."

DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION
TO THAT KID, CHIEF.
HE'LL DRIVE YOU NUTS.

HE'S 21 YEARS OLD,
AND HE THINKS HE SHOULD
BE RUNNING THE NETWORK.

WELL, I DON'T THINK AGE HAS
ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT, BOSS.

- I DIDN'T ASK YOU !
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH A YOUNG MAN
RUNNING THE NETWORK ?

LOOK AT WILLIAM PITT.
HE WAS ONLY 24, AND HE WAS
PRESIDENT OF ENGLAND.

AND LOOK AT ALEXANDER THE GREAT.
HOW OLD WAS HE WHEN HE CONQUERED
MACEDONIA ?

HOW WOULD I KNOW ?
JUST DRIVE THE CAR.

YEAH, AND LOOK AT ALL
THEM LITTLE KIDS THAT WAS KINGS
OF ALL THEM DIFFERENT COUNTRIES.

LIKE THIS LITTLE KID
THAT WAS ONLY FOUR YEARS OLD,
AND HE WAS KING OF FRANCE.

AND THERE'S ONE KID--
HE WAS THE KING OF ENGLAND,
HE WAS ONLY NINE MONTHS !

NINE MONTHS ? A PERSON
BECAME KING OF ENGLAND
AT NINE MONTHS ?

I DON'T REMEMBER
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

YOU DON'T ?
[ Laughing, Snorting ]

TELL HIM
TO DRIVE THE CAR.
DRIVE THE CAR.

YOU RATED EVERY SHOW
EXACTLY LIKE OUR RATING SERVICE.
HOW'D YOU DO THAT, YOUNG MAN ?

I GUESS I JUST HAVE AN INSTINCT
FOR WHAT PEOPLE LIKE, SIR.

OH, INSTINCT, MY FOOT.
HE'S GOT AN INSTINCT FOR
GETTING PEOPLE IN TROUBLE.

JUST A MINUTE, WILBANKS.
YOU CAN'T LISTEN
TO A LOT OF YOUNG PUNKS.

FRANCIS.
I'M SURPRISED HE'S NOT
OUT DEMONSTRATING.

FRANCIS !

I'M OUT HERE TO REPLACE
SOME SHOWS THAT--

WELL, THEY'RE
NOT DOIN' TOO WELL.

- HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO LOOK
AT SOME NEW FILMS WITH ME ?
- GEE, SIR, I'D BE HONORED.

THAT'S CARRYING IT TOO FAR.
BUT I THINK I COULD DO A LOT
BETTER IF I TOOK THEM HOME.

YOU SEE, MY POWERS
OF CONCENTRATION ARE
MUCH STRONGER THAT WAY.

[ Wilbanks ]
NEVER MIND YOUR POWERS
OF CONCENTRATION.

NO FILM LEAVES THIS STUDIO.
THAT'S COMPANY POLICY.

NO, HE'S RIGHT. JUST BE
IN OUR VIEWING ROOM AT 6:00.

FRANCIS, WE'LL SEE HOW GOOD
THE BOY REALLY IS.

[ Nervous Chuckle ]

[ Crampton ]
THAT LOOKS GOOD TO ME.
IT'S ENCOURAGING.

[ Wilbanks ]
YEAH, I THINK WE'RE
ON THE RIGHT TRACK.

WHAT WAS THAT ?
WHAT ?

[ Crampton ]
WHAT WAS THAT ?

UH, ONE OF OUR PLUMBERS, SIR.
HE'S A TERRIFIC LITTLE GUY.
REALLY. HEH.

THAT'S THE SHORTEST PLUMBER
I'VE EVER SEEN. I HOPE
YOU'RE PAYING HIM MINIMUM.

I DON'T HIRE THE PLUMBERS.
YOU COMIN' UP, POST ?

I'LL BE RIGHT UP, SIR.
FIND OUT WHO HIRES
THE PLUMBERS.

STAN, DON'T USE
THE MAIL ELEVATOR
FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

I GOT SOME IMPORTANT
STUFF ON IT, OKAY ?
SURE, STEVE.

JEN ! UH, HI.
[ Nervous Chuckle ]

STEVE, WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN UP TO ? I'VE BEEN
LOOKING FOR YOU ALL DAY.

OH, KIND OF IN AND OUT.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS. WHAT'S UP ?

WELL, I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY CHIMP.

HE'S CALMED DOWN
LIKE YOU SAID HE WOULD,
BUT MAYBE TOO MUCH.

UH, UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?

WELL, HE DOESN'T
SEEM TO BE HIMSELF.

HE HAS NO ENERGY,
NO SPUNK, NOTHING.

HE'S EVEN STOPPED
WATCHING TV.

OH, HE PROBABLY JUST GOT A HOLD
OF SOME BAD BANANAS
OR SOMETHING.

BANANAS ? WOULD THEY
BOTHER A CHIMP ?

UH, SURE.
IF HE GOT A HOLD OF SOME
BAD ONES, THEY WOULD.

HMM.

STEVE, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU ? YOU SEEM NERVOUS.

UH, I GOTTA GO
TO THAT SCREENING. YOU KNOW,
BIG SHOTS AND EVERYTHING.

IT'S ALREADY STARTED.
WHAT ARE YOU STANDING
HERE FOR ?

UH, I WAS JUST WAITING
FOR SOME MAIL TO COME UP.

[ Laughs ]
THEN YOU HAVE TO PUSH
THE BUTTON.

YEAH. I WAS JUST THINKIN'
ABOUT DOING THAT.

STEVE, WHAT IS
THE MATTER WITH YOU ?

YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE TRYING
TO GET RID OF ME OR SOMETHING.

OH, JEN, YOU KNOW
I'D NEVER DO A THING LIKE THAT.

HEY, JEN,
IF YOU WANT A RIDE HOME,
YOU BETTER COME ON.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW, STEVE, SOMETIMES
YOU ACT REALLY WEIRD.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, JEN.
OHHH !

** [ Country ]
IS THAT YOU, POST ?

UH, YES, SIR.
SORRY I'M LATE.

YES. WELL, WE'RE
SHOWING A FEW SCENES FROM
THE HAPPY HARRINGTONS FIRST.

WE'RE CONFIDENT IT'S
OUR STRONGEST REPLACEMENT SHOW.

BUT FEEL FREE TO HAVE
YOUR OWN OPINION.
THANK YOU, SIR.

- [ Blowing Raspberry ]
- WHAT WAS THAT ?

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
I, UH, GET A LITTLE ASTHMA
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, SIR.

YOU BETTER HAVE THAT CHECKED.
THAT'S THE WORST CASE
I EVER HEARD.

[ Raspberry ]

POST, IF YOU DON'T LIKE
THE SHOW, JUST SAY SO !

UH, I'M SORRY, SIR.
I, UH, I THINK I'LL GET
MY ASTHMA SPRAY.

I, UH, I KEEP IT
IN THE PROJECTION BOOTH.

NOW, WHY WOULD HE
KEEP HIS ASTHMA SPRAY
IN THE PROJECTION BOOTH ?

WELL, HE--
I DON'T KNOW.

OH, YOU DON'T KNOW.
CAN YOU EVER ANSWER ANYTHING
BUT "I DON'T KNOW" ?

STEVIE.
HI, TOM.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE,
A REPLACEMENT FOR WILBANKS ?

NO, HE'S JUST A PET.
I'M WATCHING HIM FOR A FRIEND.
HEY, HE'S REALLY GREAT.

I GOTTA GO BACK IN THERE.
HOW ABOUT HIM WATCHIN'
FROM HERE ?

HE WON'T BE ANY PROBLEM.
SURE, STEVE. I'M GLAD
TO HAVE SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

YOU KNOW, IT GETS A LITTLE
LONELY IN HERE BY YOURSELF.
YEAH.

NOW, DON'T LET ME DOWN.
THANKS A LOT, TOM.

SURE, STEVE.

** [ Drumroll ]

[ Announcer ]
UBC PROUDLY PRESENTS...

DEVIL DAN !

DUMB KID.
I TOLD HIM TO SAVE THIS
FOR THE LAST, CHIEF.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS.
SAVE IT !

YES, WELL, I KNOW IT ISN'T
MUCH, BUT WE HAVE TO LOOK
AT THEM ALL ANYWAY.

DON'T SAVE IT !

DEVIL DAN ?
AUDIENCE APPEAL ?

YOU'VE GOTTA
BE KIDDING.
NOT AT ALL.

DEVIL DAN
WOULD START THIS NETWORK
ON ITS WAY TO THE TOP.

YES, WELL, MY BOY, I THINK WE
AT THE NETWORK HAVE OUR FINGERS
ON THE PULSE OF THE PUBLIC,

AND IT ALL READS
HAPPY HARRINGTONS TO US.

BUT SIR, PEOPLE JUST WON'T
BUY THAT STUFF ANYMORE.
THAT SHOW IS A DOG.

WELL, YES, WE DO APPRECIATE
YOUR SUGGESTION.

IF WE EVER NEED YOU AGAIN,
WE'LL BE SURE AND GET IN TOUCH.

RUTHLESS, BALD AUDACITY.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING
TO TELL YOU, CHIEF.

THAT BOY IS BLIND
TO EVERYTHING THAT'S HUMAN--

YOU'LL HAVE TO FIGURE A WAY
TO QUIETLY GET RID OF HIM.
OH, I CAN HANDLE THAT.

I'M GOING EAST TOMORROW, SO
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THINGS THERE.

YOU GET HOLD
OF OUR PUBLICITY DEPARTMENT.

TELL THEM THE HAPPY HARRINGTONS
ARE REPLACING RIOT SQUADRON
SATURDAY.

TELL THEM WE WANT
A BIG SPLURGE ON IT, RIGHT ?
RIGHT, CHIEF.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT
ON THIS END. RIGHT.

THEY JUST WON'T LISTEN.
NOBODY WILL LISTEN.

STEVE, THEY WERE NICE ENOUGH
TO ASK YOU TO SEE THE FILM.

YOU GAVE THEM YOUR OPINION,
AND THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT.
YOU CAN'T BLAME THEM.

BUT THEY'RE WRONG, JEN.
WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW
THEY'RE WRONG ?

I JUST KNOW IT.
I REALLY KNOW IT !

AND I KNOW OF A WAY
TO MAKE 'EM LISTEN TOO.

CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION ?
YOUR ATTENTION. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

NOW, I WANT YOU ALL TO MAKE
YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE,

AND WE WANT YOU
TO ENJOY YOURSELVES.

BUT I WOULD SUGGEST
THAT YOU HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE
UNTIL AFTER THE SHOW.

THAT WAY YOU WON'T MISS
ANY OF THE JOKES.

[ Polite Laughter ]

- ** [ Drumroll ]
- NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

STAY TUNED FOR UBC'S
HILARIOUS NEW SHOW,

THE HAPPY HARRINGTONS !

UBC PROUDLY PRESENTS...

DEVIL DAN !

- DEVIL DAN ?
- HOW DID THAT HAPPEN ?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE ?
IN ALL MY YEARS IN THE BUSINESS,
I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS HAPPEN.

IT'S THOSE BOOBS
IN THE TRANSMITTING ROOM.

I'LL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS
IF I HAVE TO FIRE EVERY ONE
OF THEM. GET ME A PHONE.

UH, MR. WILBANKS, THERE'S
NO SENSE IN CALLING ANYONE.

YOU SEE,
I CHANGED THE PROGRAM.

- YOU ?
- YES, SIR.

NOW, I KNOW
IT MAY SEEM A LITTLE BIT
UPSETTING RIGHT NOW,

BUT BELIEVE ME, IT'S
IN THE BEST INTEREST
OF THE COMPANY.

DO YOU REALIZE
THAT YOU HAVE ALTERED
THE WILL OF A NETWORK ?

AND I, UH, I SUPPOSE
YOU WANT ME TO RESIGN ?

NO. YOU'RE FIRED.

[ Phone Ringing ]
[ Sighs ]

MR. WILBANKS,
NEW YORK ON THE PHONE.

GOOD HEAVENS,
THAT'S CRAMPTON !

WHAT AM I GOING
TO TELL CRAMPTON ?

STEVE.
HEY, LOOK, JEN,
DON'T WORRY.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA
BE OKAY, REALLY.

[ Sighs ]
BIG DUMMY.

YOU SEE ?
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS...

WHEN YOU HAVE
A MOONRISE NIGHT SCHOOL MAN
IN THE NETWORK BUSINESS.

WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP ?

[ Engine Starts ]

HI.
HI.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING ?
OH, I GUESS I'LL GO
GET A HAMBURGER.

WELL, I'M KINDA HUNGRY TOO.

LOOK, JEN, MAYBE YOU'D
BETTER GO BACK INSIDE.

I MEAN, UH, I'M NOT REALLY
THE MOST POPULAR GUY
IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.

YOU REALLY WANT
A HAMBURGER ?
UH-HUH.

YOU KNOW, YOU'LL LOOK
KINDA FUNNY RIDING BACK THERE.

WHO SAID I WAS AFRAID
OF LOOKING FUNNY ?

HOLY MACKEREL !

OH, GOOD MORNING,
MR. WILBANKS !

OH, MR. WILBANKS !
SAY, THAT WAS REALLY SOMETHIN'.

A REAL TOUCH OF GENIUS.
CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU.

GOOD MORNING,
MR. WILBANKS.
GOOD MORNING.

HEY, MR. WILBANKS,
THAT WAS TERRIFIC.

HOW'D YOU COME UP
WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT ?

CONGRATULATIONS.
IT WAS GREAT.
I BEG YOUR PARDON ?

VERY CLEVER, WILBANKS.
CONGRATULATIONS.

OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

JUST A MINUTE.
JEN, CAN YOU TELL ME
WHAT ALL--

MR. WILBANKS,
NEW YORK.
OH. HELLO ?

WILBANKS, WHAT TIME DO YOU
GET TO WORK ? I'VE SPENT HALF
THE DAY TRYING TO REACH YOU.

OH, WELL, YOU SEE,
THERE'S A THREE-HOUR
TIME DIFFERENCE,

AND WHERE IT'S
12:00 NOON IN NEW YORK,
OUT HERE IT'S ONLY--

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TIME IT IS
IN NEW YORK. GET HIM !

- WHO ?
- WHO ?

HAVEN'T YOU READ
THE TRADE PAPERS YET ?

TRADE PAPERS ? UH--

- WILBANKS ?
- OH, NO ! HOW--

WILBANKS,
ARE YOU THERE ?
UH, Y-YES, I'M-I'M HERE.

WELL, LISTEN,
SIGN HIM TO A CONTRACT.

WE DON'T WANT ANYONE
STEALIN' HIM FROM US.

BUT, UH, CHIEF,
I FIRED HIM.

YOU WHAT ?
WELL, DON'T YOU
REMEMBER ?

I TOLD YOU ON THE PHONE,
AND YOU TOLD ME--

DON'T TELL ME WHAT I TOLD YOU.
I KNOW WHAT I TOLD YOU.
JUST GET THAT BOY BACK.

HE'S A GENIUS !

UH, I'LL CERTAINLY
DO MY BEST, CHIEF, BUT
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER--

OF COURSE
YOU DON'T KNOW WHETHER.
LOOK, I'LL BE OUT TOMORROW.

HAVE THAT BOY
IN YOUR OFFICE AT 1:00.
AND HAVE THE PRESS THERE.

FROM NOW ON,
I'LL MANAGE THIS MYSELF !

GENTLEMEN, ON BEHALF
OF THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS
OF THIS NETWORK,

I TAKE GREAT PLEASURE
IN THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT.

STEVEN POST HAS BEEN MADE
OUR NEW PROGRAM DIRECTOR.

A BOY THAT AGE,
PROGRAM DIRECTOR ?

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH A BOY THAT AGE ?

I MEAN, LOOK AT WILLIAM PITT.
HE WAS PRIME MINISTER OF ENGLAND
WHEN HE WAS ONLY 24.

AND HOW ABOUT
ALEXANDER THE GREAT ?

HOW OLD WAS HE WHEN
HE CONQUERED MACEDONIA ?

NO, WE HERE AT THE NETWORK...

ARE CONVINCED THAT STEVEN POST
IS A YOUNG MAN OF UNIQUE TALENT,

WELL-QUALIFIED TO JOIN
THE EXECUTIVE TEAM...

THAT WILL LEAD UBC
TO THE VERY TOP.

MR. CRAMPTON, IF THE KID'S
GOING TO BE PROGRAM DIRECTOR,

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN
TO MR. WILBANKS ?

OH, WE HAVEN'T
FORGOTTEN MR. WILBANKS.
HE'S MOVED ON TOO.

HE'LL BE VICE PRESIDENT
IN CHARGE OF CULTURAL RELATIONS.

WHAT'S THAT ?
WELL, WE'LL LET
MR. WILBANKS EXPLAIN THAT.

WHAT IS IT, MR. WILBANKS ?
[ Clears Throat ]
UH, WELL, THAT'S VERY--

YOU SEE, WHENEVER WE HAVE THE--
UH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

STEVE, IT'S SO WONDERFUL.

HUH ? YEAH.
YEAH, WELL, UH--

MR. CRAMPTON THOUGHT I OUGHTA
HAVE A PLACE WHERE I CAN KINDA,
OH, ENTERTAIN AND STUFF.

ON ACCOUNT OF MY NEW JOB,
YOU KNOW ?

OH, STEVE,
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

YOU SHOULD BE
SO PROUD OF YOURSELF.

AND JUST THINK,
YOU DID IT ALL ON YOUR OWN.

[ Nervous Chuckle ]
YEAH.

HEY !

COME ON, SWEETHEART.
THATABOY. COME ON, BABY.

THATABOY.
THERE YOU GO.

YEAH, I LOVE YOU TOO.
WATCH THE MOVIE.

** [ Dramatic Soundtrack ]

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE, POST ?

I DON'T KNOW YET.
OH, HE DOESN'T KNOW YET.
NO, HE WANTS TO RUN IT.

IT'S GOOD.
OH, ANOTHER WINNER.
YEAH, YEAH, HE LIKES IT.

[ Muttering ]
YEAH.

CONGRATULATIONS, STEVE.

UH, ON WHAT ?

ON THE AWARD YOU'RE
GONNA WIN TONIGHT.

HEY, LOOK, JEN,
I HAVEN'T WON THAT YET.

WELL, YOU WILL. IF YOU'RE
NOT TV MAN OF THE YEAR,
WHO IS ?

UH, JEN--

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME
ABOUT THOSE LOCKS ?

THERE ? UH,

I CAN'T.

WELL, YOU SEE, IT'S
KINDA LIKE MY WAR ROOM.

IT'S WHERE I MAKE
ALL MY DECISIONS.

IT'S, UH--
IT'S VERY PRIVATE.

WELL, DO I EVER GET TO SEE ?

YEAH, I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETIME.

STEVE, WHAT'S THE MATTER ?

NOTHING.
UH, I WAS JUST THINKING.

ABOUT WHAT ?

AH, IT'S A LOT OF STUFF
YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

I MIGHT.

WELL, I WAS THINKIN'
ABOUT PEOPLE.

PEOPLE LIKE VASCO DA GAMA.

LIKE WHO ?
YEAH, HE WAS A DISCOVERER.

HE DISCOVERED
THE WEST INDIES.
I KNOW WHAT HE DID, BUT--

ISN'T IT JUST AS GOOD
TO DISCOVER SOMETHING
AS INVENT IT ?

WELL, I GUESS SO.
WELL, WHERE WOULD WE BE IF
PEOPLE DIDN'T DISCOVER THINGS ?

I MEAN, UH, JUST LIKE
SOME GREAT SCIENTIST WHO--

WELL, MAYBE HE'S NOT SO GREAT--
BUT HE DISCOVERS A LAB ASSISTANT
WHO'S DOING ALL THE WORK.

BUT THE SCIENTIST
TAKES ALL THE CREDIT. WHY ?
BECAUSE H-HE DISCOVERED HIM.

WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH THAT, IS THERE ?

NO, I GUESS NOT.

GOOD. THAT'S THE WAY
I HAD IT FIGURED.

** [ Fanfare ]

AND NOW,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE MOST COVETED
PRIZE OF ALL:

TV'S "MAN OF THE YEAR"
AWARD.

AND THE WINNER IS...

[ Opening Envelope ]

- STEVEN POST,
- YEAH ! YEAH !

PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED BROADCASTING CORPORATION.

PRESIDENT ?

VICE PRESIDENT.

[ Applause, Cheering ]

**

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I'M SORRY.

I MEAN, VICE PRESIDENT.
BUT AT ANY RATE,

STEVEN POST IS TELEVISION'S
MAN OF THE YEAR !

**

AND NOW THE KEY.

CONGRATULATIONS.
CONGRATULATIONS, CRAMPTON.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE A FINE
YOUNG MAN THERE.

THANK YOU, CLIFFORD.
WE'RE VERY PROUD OF HIM.

WELL, YOU SHOULD BE.
YOUR SPONSORS SEEM TO LIKE HIM.
GAVE HIM A NICE LITTLE CAR.

YES, HE'S A MAN WHO'S
GOING RIGHT TO THE TOP.
THE VERY TOP, INDEED.

FRANCIS.

EXCUSE US, GIRLS.

WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT BOY. WE'VE BUILT
OURSELVES A FRANKENSTEIN.

WE CERTAINLY HAVE.
HE'S ALREADY GOT MY JOB.
BUT NOW IT'S GETTING SERIOUS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
NOW IT'S GETTING SERIOUS ?
HOW DOES THE BOY DO IT ?

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DOES IT.
I JUST KNOW HE'S NOT SMART
ENOUGH TO DO IT ON HIS OWN.

WELL, WHAT HAVE YOU
DONE ABOUT IT ?
WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT IT ?

I'M IN CULTURAL RELATIONS.
THE BASICS, MAN.
THE BASICS.

BASICS ?
HAVE YOU SEARCHED HIS OFFICE ?
HAVE YOU GRILLED HIS SECRETARY ?

HAVE YOU TAPPED HIS PHONE ?
HAVE YOU HAD HIM FOLLOWED ?

NO. WOULDN'T THAT
BE UNETHICAL ?

UNETHICAL ?
GET WITH IT, WILBANKS.

IT'S A DESPERATE SITUATION.
IT REQUIRES DESPERATE MEANS.

FIND OUT HOW THAT BOY
IS DOING IT !

i HASTA LA VISTA,
SENOR POST !

HASTA, HASTA.

[ Knocks ]
HELLO, IN THERE.

CAN YOU HEAR ME ?

ARE YOU A PRISONER ?

[ Knocking ]

KNOCK TWICE
IF YOU CAN HEAR ME.

[ Knocking ]
THANK HEAVEN.

[ Knocking Continues ]
I'M A FRIEND.

[ Raspberry ]

I BEG YOUR PARDON ?
[ Raspberry ]

HE SOUNDS GAGGED !
THAT DIRTY, RUTHLESS--

[ Steve ]
HEY, I'M BACK !

OOH--

[ Knocking ]

[ Laughs ]
OKAY, OKAY !

[ Knocking ]

OKAY !
DON'T GO WILD !

[ Knocking ]
HEY, TAKE IT EASY.

WAIT A MINUTE.
NOT THE BALLET. THAT'LL
WRECK YOUR TASTE FOR SURE.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PICK
THE TOP-RATED SHOWS.

YOU GOT THAT HAIRY
LITTLE FINGER OF YOURS
ON THE HEARTBEAT OF AMERICA.

DON'T LOUSE IT UP !

HEY, I'LL PUT ON SOME COFFEE,
THEN WE'LL TAKE A LOOK
AT THOSE NEW PILOTS, OKAY ?

HEY, YOU WANT SOME PIZZA
TONIGHT ? I GOT TWO KINDS.

ONE PLAIN AND
ONE WITH PEPPERONI.
YOU WANT THE PEPPERONI ?

[ Raspberry ]
OKAY, YOU GET
THE PLAIN ONE.

OKAY, IT'S READY !

[ Footsteps ]

ALL RIGHT.
SHOW TIME.

NOW, ONE OF THESE DAYS,
I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
HOW TO THREAD THIS THING.

I KEEP FORGETTIN' THAT.

BOY, IT'D SURE BE GREAT
IF YOU COULD PICK ANOTHER
DEVIL DAN, WOULDN'T IT ?

[ Chittering ]

WHO WAS IN THE ROOM ?
THAT'S WHAT I WANNA KNOW.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

THERE WERE THREE TELEVISION SETS
IN FRONT OF THREE CHAIRS.

THREE SETS ?
YEAH, AND THERE WAS
A PROJECTOR AND A SCREEN.

AND THEN THERE WAS THIS TREE
WITH A WHOLE BUNCH
OF BANANAS ON IT.

BANANAS ? BA--
THAT COULD BE IT.

BANANAS COULD BE
BRAIN FOOD.
OH, YEAH. THEY ARE.

JEN, GET ME DR. SCHMIDT
IN RESEARCH ON THE PHONE.

WELL, I'M SURE HE'S
GONE HOME, SIR.
I KNOW HE'S GONE HOME.

GET HIM ON THE PHONE.
HE'S PROBABLY GOT A--

WHAT IS IT, ROGER ?
UNCLE FRANCIS,
IT'S NOT BANANAS.

IT'S THAT PHANTOM ROOMMATE
HE KEEPS LOCKED UP.

I LOOKED EVERYWHERE,
BUT I COULDN'T SEE HIM.

THEY WERE TALKING,
BUT I-I COULDN'T SEE HIM.

WELL, LET'S GET DOWN
TO BASICS. TELL ME
WHAT YA DID SEE,

AND DON'T TELL ME
ABOUT THE THING
AROUND YOUR LEG AGAIN.

[ Snorts, Laughs ]
IT WAS WEIRD.

WHOEVER IT WAS WAS WEARING
A LITTLE RED CAP...

WITH A BLUE BON-BON
ON THE TOP.

IT WAS JUST
GLIDING ALONG.
HELLO ? HELLO ?

THERE WERE EMPTY BANANA SKINS
EVERYWHERE.

AND THEN, THIS HAIRY ARM
GRABBED ME RIGHT IN THE CLOSET.

IT WAS HIDEOUS.
THERE WAS NO HEAD,
NO BODY, NO FEET.

HELLO ? HELLO ?
JUST A HAIRY ARM.

[ Wilbanks ]
JEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

EXCUSE ME.
UH, DR. SCHMIDT,
FRANCES WILBANKS.

UH, TELL ME, DOCTOR,
ARE BANANAS BRAIN FOOD ?

BANANAS ? BRAIN FOOD ?
WELL, I-I--

FRANCES, I-I COULDN'T SAY
FOR SURE, BUT I-I DO RECALL
A CERTAIN TRIBE...

IN, IN NEW GUINEA WHO SUBSCRIBED
TO THE THEORY THAT BANANAS WERE,
INDEED, A BRAIN FOOD.

[ Doorbell Ringing ]

OH, HI, JEN.
HELLO, VASCO DA GAMA.

WHAT ?
OH, YOU KNOW.

HE WAS THE ONE WHO
DISCOVERED THE WEST INDIES.
HE WAS A DISCOVERER.

YOU KNOW, DISCOVERERS
ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT
AS INVENTORS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE MAD SCIENTIST
WHO KEEPS HIS LAB ASSISTANT
LOCKED IN THE BASEMENT.

I-I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT A MAD SCIENTIST.
I WANT MY CHIMP.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT ?
I KNOW, STEVE.

LOOK. THEY NEVER
LISTENED TO ME, JEN.
NOW, YOU KNOW THAT.

THEY WOULDN'T HAVE LISTENED
TO ME FOR A MILLION YEARS !
STEVE, OPEN THIS DOOR.

I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A CAR.
I HAD A MOTORCYCLE.

NOW I GOT A DETOMASHANMAGUSTA.
A BRAND-NEW DETOMASHANMAGUSTA.

I MEAN IT, STEVE.
NOW, YOU OPEN THAT DOOR !

UH-- LOOK, JEN.

I DID IT FOR YOU.

I MEAN, WHY WOULD YOU EVER
WANT TO MARRY A MAIL BOY ?

I KIDDED MYSELF, BUT THAT'S
ALL I KNEW I'D EVER BE.

YOU NEVER SAID YOU
WANTED TO MARRY ME.

WELL, UH--

THAT'S, THAT'S BECAUSE
I WAS A MAIL BOY.

I MEAN, UH, I DIDN'T
EVEN HAVE A CAR.
JUST A MOTORCYCLE.

I TOLD YOU BEFORE, THERE'S
NOTHING THE MATTER
WITH A MOTORCYCLE.

[ Raffles Chittering,
Knocking ]

UH, I GUESS HE
RECOGNIZED YOUR VOICE.

I'M KINDA GLAD YOU,
YOU FOUND OUT. I--

I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
A WAY TO TELL YOU.

[ Chittering ]

YOU SEE, JEN,
IT IS WORKING.
HE IS HAPPY.

LOOK, WE COULD HAVE IT ALL.
I-I'M NOT HURTING
ANYBODY, EITHER.

I GUESS YOU'VE BEEN
TREATING HIM PRETTY GOOD.

WHY DON'T, UM--

WHY DON'T WE JUST
KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY ?

OKAY, HE CAN STAY.

BUT REMEMBER, I GET
VISITATION RIGHTS.

YEAH.

HEY, STEVE. HEY,
YOU'RE LOOKIN' REALLY SHARP.
HEY, BOB.

[ Steve ]
NEW JOB AND ALL, YOU KNOW.
YEAH.

HEY, WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO THAT LITTLE CHIMP
YOU USED TO BRING AROUND HERE--

HEY, NOT SO LOUD.
NOT AROUND HERE, OKAY ?

YEAH ? I MEAN, HE SURE
LIKED DEVIL DAN, DIDN'T HE ?

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER
SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.
HE JUST--

THE MANAGER SAID ROOM 1123
IS DIRECTLY ACROSS
FROM POST'S APARTMENT.

NOW WE'LL SEE.
OH, SEE WHAT ?

WELL, I-I CAN UNDERSTAND
YOUR SKEPTICISM, UNCLE. THIS
HAS BEEN A GIGANTIC PUZZLE BUT--

WHAT ?
I PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER,
AND THEY ALL FIT.

OH, FIT, MY FOOT.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I DIDN'T BELIEVE A MAIL BOY
COULD DO IT. I'M CERTAINLY NOT
GONNA BELIEVE A CHIMP CAN DO IT.

IT'S A WILD GOOSE CHASE.
YOU MEAN,
A WILD MONKEY CHASE.

[ Snorting,
Laughing ]
IT'S NOT FUNNY.

STOP THAT SIMPLE LAUGHING.
SORRY, BOSS.

I DON'T LIKE THIS.
I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL.

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING
CRIMINAL ABOUT THIS.

OH, UNCLE, WE'RE NOT
DOING ANYTHING CRIMINAL.

THEN WHY DO I FEEL
LIKE A PEEPING TOM ?

OKAY. LOOK.
LOOK.

WELL, SO WHAT ?

IT'S JUST THAT MAIL BOY
SITTING THERE ALL BY
HIMSELF, LOOKING AT TV.

[ Roger ]
LOOK. QUICK, QUICK !
LOOK.

GOOD HEAVENS.

I THINK WE FINALLY
MAY BE GETTING SOMEWHERE.

H-HERE ! SEE WHAT I MEAN ?
SEE WHAT I--

[ Crampton ]
YES, I DO. HE'S WATCHIN'
SMUGGLER'S GOLD.

THAT'S THE NUMBER ONE-RATED
SHOW FOR TONIGHT.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYIN'
TO TELL YOU. THE CHIMP IS
PICKING THE SHOWS, NOT THE BOY.

WELL, WE CAN'T REALLY TELL.
HE MIGHT NOT EVEN KNOW
WHAT HE'S LOOKIN' AT.

OH, A COMMERCIAL BREAK.

[ Crampton ]
WILBANKS, HE KNOWS !

HE REALLY KNOWS.

HE GOT A BEER
DURING THE COMMERCIAL.

[ Roger ]
PROOF POSITIVE.

[ Wilbanks ]
OH, THAT'S A SURE SIGN
IF I'VE EVER SEEN ONE.

WILBANKS,
GET THAT CHIMP.

WHAT ARE WE DOIN' HERE ?
JUST FOLLOW ME.

I DIDN'T GET WHERE I AM
WITHOUT PLANNING AHEAD.
COME ON.

[ Wind Whistling ]
[ Wheezing ]

HEY, BOSS, DON'T YA THINK
IT'D BE BETTER IF I STAYED HERE
AND CUT PEOPLE OFF AT THE PASS ?

CUT THEM OFF
AT THE PASS ?

YEAH. WELL, YOU DON'T WANT
A LOT OF PEOPLE BOTHERING YOU
OUT ON THE LEDGE, DO YA ?

WILL YOU STOP THAT
SILLY TALK AND COME ON ?

BUT, BOSS, I--
I GET SICK WHEN I LOOK DOWN.
WELL, THEN LOOK UP.

WELL, I-I HAVE THE SAME
PROBLEM WHEN I LOOK UP.

WELL, GET PREPARED TO BE SICK.
I CAN'T HANDLE THAT CHIMP
BY MYSELF.

BUT, BOSS--

[ Wheezing ]

[ Wheezing Continues ]

[ Wheezing ]

WILL YOU STOP
THAT SIMPLE WHEEZING ?

I CAN'T HELP IT.
THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME
AT HIGH ALTITUDES.

YOU'RE ONLY 200 FEET UP.
LET GO OF ME.

OHHHHH !

[ Grunting ]

I TOLD YA
TO STAY WITH ME.

[ Wheezing ]

AHA ! HELLO,
LITTLE FELLA.

LET'S GO FOR A WALK, HUH ?
THAT'S A GOOD FELLA.

THAT'S THE WORST EXPERIENCE
I EVER HAD.

YEAH. THE DOOR,
THE DOOR. COME ON.

BOSS,
THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

UH-- WELL, OF COURSE
IT'S LOCKED.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T EXPECT HIM
TO LEAVE IT OPEN...

WITH A VALUABLE CHIMP
LIKE THAT IN HERE, DO YA ?
UH--

BOSS, WE'RE NOT GOING
OUT THERE AGAIN, ARE WE ?

WHY NOT ?
THE CHIMP ISN'T AFRAID.

WELL, HE'S USED TO SWINGIN'
AROUND IN HIGH PLACES.
COME ON !

[ Car Horns Honking ]

[ Mertons Wheezing ]

OH, NO ! NOW YOU
DID IT WITH THAT WHEEZING.

YOU SCARED THE CHIMP.
SORRY, BOSS.

SORRY DOESN'T
FEED THE BULLDOG.

WHERE'D HE GO ?

[ Wilbanks ]
THERE HE IS.

WHERE ?
[ Screaming ]

BOSS, HELP !
[ Wheezing ]

- [ Kicking Window Pane ]
- [ Barking ]

[ Wheezing ]
STOP WHEEZING !

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?
WAIT-- OW !

[ Wheezing ]
[ Groaning ]

HELP ! OH !
NOT THE TIE,
NOT THE TIE !

AH ! GET THE--
OH, GET THE-- OH ! OH.

[ Grunting ]

OH, JUST...
WATCH IT. OH.

NOW, DON'T TOUCH ME.
JUST DON'T TOUCH ME.
YES, BOSS.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR CAR.

I GUESS THEY HAD TO GAS IT UP
OR SOMETHING. THAT'S OKAY.
I'M IN NO HURRY.

I BETTER CHECK.

[ Sighing ]
[ Raffles Chittering ]

HOW DID YOU
GET DOWN HERE ?
[ Chittering ]

OH, NO.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW ?

[ Grunts,
Screams ]

[ Wheezing ]

NOW DON'T PANIC.

WE'LL JUST CRAWL BACK
IN THE KID'S ROOM-- HE'S BOUND
TO HAVE A PHONE IN THERE--

AND WE'LL CALL SOMEBODY AND
HAVE 'EM COME AND GET US.
[ Wheezing ]

[ Wheezing ]

OH, I LEFT THAT DARN WINDOW
OPEN TOO FAR.

NO MORE OPEN WINDOW
FOR YOU.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

HOW'D HE GET BACK
IN THERE ?

HOW WOULD I KNOW ?
[ Grunts ]

THIS IS LOCKED TOO.
[ Wheezing ]
WHAT DO WE DO ?

WELL, MAYBE HE CAN
UNLOCK IT. HE SEEMS ABLE
TO DO EVERYTHING ELSE.

[ Wheezing ]
AND FOR THE LAST TIME,
WILL YOU STOP THAT WHEEZING ?

[ Chuckling ]
LITTLE FELLA ?

[ Chuckles ]
TURN THE HANDLE.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
THAT'S IT. YES.

THERE YOU GO.
YES. YES.

[ Hiccup ]
NOW, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
START THAT, ARE YOU ?

I CAN'T HELP IT, BOSS.
[ Hiccup ]

WE DON'T HAVE TO STAND UP
AGAIN, DO WE ?
OF COURSE WE HAVE TO STAND UP !

GET UP ! GET UP !
GET UP--

MAYBE WE CAN
ATTRACT SOME ATTENTION,
HELP GET OFF OF THIS THING.

BOSS, THIS IS AWFUL.
[ Hiccup ]

STOP HICCUPPING !
FIRST YOU WHEEZE
AND THEN YOU HICCUP !

I CAN'T HELP IT.
I ALWAYS HICCUP
WHEN I GET NERVOUS.

[ Hiccup ]
WELL, STOP IT !
I CAN'T STAND IT !

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT ?
I CAN'T STAND IT !

JUST TRY
HOLDING YOUR BREATH.
THAT NEVER WORKS WITH ME, BOSS.

MAYBE IF YOU GET ME
A GLASS OF WATER.
THAT SOMETIMES HELPS.

OH, ALL RIGHT. I'LL GET--
HOW CAN I GET YOU
A GLASS OF WATER UP HERE ?

I CAN'T--
I CAN'T GET--
[ Sirens Wailing ]

COME ON !
GLASS OF WATER.

[ Sirens Continue ]

IT'S AN AMBULANCE,
POLICE CARS.

WELL, YOU WANTED
TO ATTRACT ATTENTION.

OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN.
K-7, THIS IS 10-SUGAR-CHARLIE.

[ Man On Radio ]
COME IN, 10-SUGAR-CHARLIE.

YEAH, WE'RE HERE AT THE SCENE.
THE REPORT CHECKS OUT.

WE GOT A COUPLE OF NUTS
TRYING TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

GIVE ME THAT THING.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, JUST-JUST
TAKE IT EASY UP THERE.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
ABOVE ALL, DON'T JUMP.

HE THINKS
WE'RE GONNA JUMP.

NO, WE'RE NOT
GOING TO JUMP !

- [ Screaming ]
- [ Wheezing ]

HEY, BOSS,
I'M LOSIN' MY BUTTONS.
[ Wheezing ]

[ Grunting ]
[ Wheezing ]

WE ALMOST LOST ONE THAT TIME.
THIS IS GONNA BE
A TOUGH ONE, VINCE.

HERE, TAKE THIS OUTTA THE WAY.
TAKE IT OVER TO THE TRUCK.

BRING 'EM IN.
BRING 'EM ON IN.

HEY, THE FIRE ENGINES
ARE STOPPING HERE.

[ Sniffs ]
DO YOU SMELL SMOKE ?

NO, I DON'T SMELL SMOKE.
THE BUILDING ISN'T
ON FIRE.

[ Wheezing ]
STOP THE WHEEZING, WILL YOU ?
PLEASE STOP THE WHEEZING !

FIRST YOU WHEEZE,
THEN YOU HICCUP,
THEN YOU WHEEZE AGAIN !

YOU'RE ENOUGH TO
DRIVE ANYBODY NUTS !

OH, I AM, AM I ?
YES !

WELL, YOU'RE MY BOSS.

MAYBE I SHOULDN'T
SAY THIS,

BUT YOU'VE BEEN COMPLAINING
EVER SINCE WE'VE BEEN UP HERE.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY
I WHEEZE AND HICCUP,

WHY DON'T YOU GO FIND
YOUR OWN LEDGE TO STAND ON ?

[ Wheezing ]
WHAT ?

MAYBE THEY'RE COMIN'
TO RESCUE US.

THEY'RE NOT COMING TO RESCUE US.
THAT'S OUR NEWS HELICOPTER.

- YOU MEAN OUR OWN NETWORK
IS TAKIN' PICTURES OF US ?
- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN.

[ Announcer On TV ]
WE INTERRUPT TO BRING YOU
A SPECIAL NEWSCAST...

OF A SENSATIONAL SUICIDE TRY
ON WILSHIRE BOULEVARD
IN LOS ANGELES.

OH, ISN'T THAT SAD
HOW MANY NUTS ARE
RUNNING AROUND LOSE TODAY ?

IT CERTAINLY IS,
SWEETHEART.

OUR SPECIAL UBC HELICOPTER
ENABLES US TO BRING YOU...

AN EXCLUSIVE CLOSE-UP VIEW
OF THE PAIR ATTEMPTING SUICIDE.

THESE PICTURES,
LIVE FROM THE SCENE.

THERE THEY ARE.
ANOTHER FIRST FOR UBC.

OH, NO !

OH, NOW I'VE HAD EXPERIENCE
OF THIS TYPE OF THING BEFORE.

ANYTHING CAN MAKE THEM
PANICKY AND JUMP.

MAY-MAY I HAVE
THE MIKE, PLEASE ?

NOW, GENTLEMEN,
REMAIN CALM.

THERE IS NO PROBLEM
THAT CANNOT BE SOLVED.

WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME,
GENTLEMEN, NOW ?
I REPEAT:

THERE IS NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER
THAT CANNOT BE SOLVED.

WHAT'D HE SAY ?
I DON'T KNOW.

SOUNDS LIKE SOME KIND
OF A FOREIGN LANGUAGE.
[ Continues Indistinct ]

NOW, IT MUST BE
VERY COLD UP THERE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO IN
AND GET SOME COFFEE ?

IT'S FATHER O'LEARY
FROM ST. TIMOTHY'S.
[ Continues ]

WHAT'S HE DOIN' HERE ?
HE PROBABLY CAME OVER TO TALK US
OUT OF COMMITTING SUICIDE.

HE CAN TALK ME OUT OF IT
REAL EASY.

NOW HANG ON, MEN.

HANG ON FOR ONE MORE MINUTE.
THE LIFE NET'S READY NOW,
FATHER.

OH, GOOD. VERY GOOD.
COME WITH ME, VINCE.

OH, I'M RUINED.
I'M RUINED !

[ Wheezing ]
WHAT'S CRAMPTON
GONNA SAY ?

YOU LAME BRAIN.
YOU THICK-SKULLED, PIN-HEADED,
DIM-WITTED BUMBLER !

HEY, BOSS, LOOK.
A NET.
HUH ?

[ Mertons ]
YOU DON'T SUPPOSE THEY
EXPECT US TO JUMP, DO YA ?

NO, THAT'S PROBABLY
JUST THERE FOR SAFETY.

IF FATHER O'LEARY
GETS UP HERE,

I'M GONNA HAVE HIM
SNEAK ME OUT THE BACK WAY.

I HELPED HIM WITH
HIS BAZAAR LAST YEAR.

GENTLEMEN ! GENTLEMEN !
STOP RIGHT WERE YOU ARE.
DON'T MOVE !

FATHER O'LEARY !
WHERE ?
[ Screaming ]

- I WANTED TO GO OUT
THE BACK WAY !
- OVER THAT WAY ! THAT WAY !

- THAT'S IT.
- [ Screaming ]

- [ Chattering ]
- [ Man ]
EASE IT OVER HERE.

[ Chattering Continues ]

WHY WOULD HE TRY
TO COMMIT SUICIDE ?
[ Wilbanks Babbling ]

GET THE CHIMP !
GET THE CHIMP !
IT'S NOT BANANAS !

IT'S NOT BANANAS,
IT'S THE CHIMP !

HE PICKS THE SHOWS, BELIEVE ME.
HE KNOWS. IT'S THE CHIMP.

BANANAS DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.
GET THE CHIMP.

IT'S THE CHIMP.
HE'S THE ONE.
HELP ! HELP !

[ Engine Starting ]
HEY, YOU KNOW,
THERE WAS A CHIMP...

CAME DOWN THE SIDE OF
THE BUILDING BEFORE THEY
DISCOVERED THOSE GUYS UP THERE.

[ Siren Wailing ]
YEAH, IT BELONGED
TO STEVEN POST.

STEVEN POST ?
THE TV WONDER BOY ?

HEY, THERE'S THE OTHER ONE.
THIS ONE WAS OUT THERE
WITH HIM.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT WERE
YOU DOIN' UP THERE ?

WELL, SEE, I WAS WALKIN' ALONG
ON THE TENTH FLOOR AND I SEEN
THIS NUT OUT ON THE LEDGE.

SO I WENT OUT THERE TO TRY
TO TALK HIM OUT OF JUMPIN'.

BUT THEN, THIS
WINDOW GOT STUCK--
OH, NOW
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU JUST DIDN'T HAPPEN
TO SEE HIM ON THAT LEDGE.
YOU WORK FOR WILBANKS.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. COME ON.
YEAH, WHAT D'YOU MEAN,
TALK HIM OUT OF JUMPIN' ?

GIVE US THE STRAIGHT STORY.
PLEASE, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT ?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT !
HOLD IT ! HOLD IT !

NOW, LOOK. WE'RE GONNA ARRIVE
AT THE TRUTH OF THIS THING, SO
YOU MIGHT AS WELL TELL US NOW.

WELL, MY BOSS WANTED ME TO
HELP HIM GET THIS KID'S CHIMP.

THE CHIMP THAT BELONGS
TO STEVEN POST ?
WHAT'D HE WANT HIM FOR ?

[ Car Horn Honking ]
WELL, COME ON ! COME ON !
OUT WITH IT !

WELL, IT SOUNDS
KINDA CRAZY BUT...

MY BOSS THINKS THE CHIMP
CAN PICK THE BEST TV SHOWS.

PRETTY FUNNY, HUH ?
[ Snorting, Laughing ]

EXCUSE ME !
[ Jackhammer Stops ]

YEAH ? WHA-- WHAT ? YEAH.
THIS STORY ABOUT A CHIMP
SELECTING OUR TV SHOWS.

WHAT ABOUT IT ?
WELL, I MEAN--
DO YOU BELIEVE IT ?

OF COURSE, I BELIEVE IT.
I KNEW IT ALL THE TIME.

[ Jackhammer Running ]

UH, MADAM ?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE RUMOR OF A CHIMP
SELECTING OUR TV SHOWS ?

A CHIMP PICKING TV SHOWS ?
RIDICULOUS.

YES, WELL, YOU KNOW
HOW THOSE RUMORS
GET STARTED.

I KNOW I--
WAIT A MINUTE !

THOSE STATIONS HAVE BEEN
SWITCHING AND CANCELLING
MY FAVORITE SHOWS FOR YEARS.

MAYBE A CHIMP
IS BEHIND THIS MESS.
OH, NO, MADAM.

IT'S A PLOT.
YOU'RE ALL IN ON IT.
NO, MADAM.

WE HAVE NOTHING TO DO--
I AM SO SICK AND TIRED
OF LIKING A SHOW...

AND HAVING IT
PULLED OFF THE AIR
OR PUT IN ANOTHER TIME.

MADAM--
PLEASE--
IT JUST DRIVES YA CRAZY.

I'M GETTING TO THE POINT
WHERE I--

I'D LIKE TO TAKE
THE TELEVISION SET
AND THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW.

THE LAST SHOW I LIKED,
THEY TOOK IT RIGHT OFF THE AIR.

THE MINUTE I GOT TO LIKE IT,
OFF THE AIR.
MADAM--

HOW DO I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
TO THEM ? I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED TO JOHN.

HAS THE MAN
FROM THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT
ARRIVED YET ?

EVERYBODY'S HERE, SIR.
GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

[ Pounding Gavel ]

GENTLEMEN, TELEVISION
HAS HAD PROBLEMS BEFORE.

WE CAN WORK THIS ONE OUT
IF WE KEEP COOL HEADS !

[ Chattering ]

"KEEP COOL HEADS."

YOUR WILBANKS SAYS YOU'VE
GOT A MONKEY PICKING PROGRAMS,

AND YOU WANT US
TO "KEEP COOL HEADS."

I WAS DELIRIOUS.
DON'T GIVE US THAT !

FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS YOU'VE
BEEN THE THIRD-RATED NETWORK.

SUDDENLY, YOU JUMP TO
NUMBER ONE. NOW, THERE
HAS TO BE A REASON.

YOU DON'T HAVE
THE PERSONNEL TO DO THAT.

NOW JUST A MINUTE, CLIFFORD.
I'VE PLENTY OF PERSONNEL.

I HAVE PEOPLE ALL--
WELL, I--
OH, SHUT UP.

MR. CRAMPTON.
WE'VE HAD A TACIT UNDERSTANDING
TO SHARE TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCES.

NOW, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'VE
BETRAYED THAT UNDERSTANDING.

[ Together ]
WE HAVE NOT.
JUST A MINUTE, GENTLEMEN.

I MUST SPEAK
FOR THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT.

WE CAN HAVE NO UNDERSTANDINGS
BETWEEN NETWORKS,
TACIT OR OTHERWISE.

OH, COME ON, HARRY. HOW CAN
THE DEPARTMENT CALL A LITTLE
CHIMPANZEE A TECHNI-- TECH--

SO THERE'S A CHIMP.
I NEVER--
THEN THERE IS A CHIMP ?

[ Chattering ]

[ Crampton Pounds Gavel ]
GENTLEMEN, PLEASE.

ADMITTEDLY,
THERE IS A CHIMP.

AND HE DOES LIKE TV.
AND IT SEEMS HE DOES
PREFER THE TOP-RATED SHOWS.

AND HE DOES GO TO
THE REFRIGERATOR AND GET
A BEER DURING THE COMMERCIALS.

- [ Chattering ]
- GENTLEMEN !

IF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE EVER
FOUND OUT THAT A CHIMPANZEE...

WAS SELECTING PROGRAMS,

IT WOULD BE THE END
OF TV.

GENTLEMEN.
I HAVE A SIMPLE SOLUTION
TO THE WHOLE PROBLEM.

- YES ?
- WE MUST DESTROY THE CHIMP.

OH, NO, NO.
I CAN'T SEE IT AT ALL.
[ Chattering ]

[ Crampton ]
OH, WE CAN'T DO THAT.

OH, NO. WE COULDN'T--
OH, B--

WHY, WE'D HAVE THOSE
SOCIETIES FOR THE PREVENTION
OF THINGS ALL OVER OUR BACKS.

THAT WOULD BE THE END
OF OUR DOG FOOD ACCOUNTS.

GENTLEMEN, I THINK
I HAVE AN IDEA.
I HOPE IT'S BETTER...

THAN THE BANANAS.

IT'S PRACTICAL AND HUMANE.
YOU SEE, A CHIMP BELONGS IN A
JUNGLE, NOT IN A NETWORK OFFICE.

WE KNOW THAT, DR. SCHMIDT.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

WHAT WE DO IS BUY THE CHIMP,
RETURN HIM TO THE JUNGLE.

HE'LL BE HAPPY, THE NETWORKS
WILL CONTINUE ON AS USUAL...

AND WE WILL BE RID OF
STEVEN POST ONCE AND FOR ALL !

BRILLIANT, SCHMIDT,
BRILLIANT.

- BRAVO ! BEAUTIFUL !
THAT'S THE ONE.
- WE CERTAINLY HAVE THE MONEY.

AND EVERY MAN
HAS HIS PRICE.

[ Chattering ]

SO THAT'S WHAT THEY THINK, HUH ?
EVERY MAN'S GOT HIS PRICE.

WELL, DON'T WORRY.
I DON'T.

STEVE, WHY DON'T WE
TAKE HIM AND BLOW THIS PLACE ?

FORGET THIS WHOLE RAT RACE.
I DON'T WANT THEM
TO PUT HIM IN A JUNGLE.

JEN, THEY CAN'T GET TO ME.
I CAN'T BE BOUGHT.

$500,000.

RIGHT.

$500,000. THAT'S A--
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.

WELL, OF COURSE
IT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
HOW CAN YOU EVEN HESITATE ?

WELL, I-I DON'T KNOW--
POST, YOUR FUTURE
IS ON THE LINE.

NOW YOU LISTEN TO THIS.
YOU TURN US DOWN,
YOU'LL NEVER WORK AGAIN.

COME ON.
BE SMART, BOY.

I, UH--
I HAVE A PROBLEM.
A PROBLEM ?

YES, SIR. YOU SEE,
SOMEONE ELSE IS INVOLVED
AND I--

SON, NO MORE BICKERING.
ALL RIGHT.

THIS WILL BE OUR FINAL OFFER.
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

YOU DID IT.
YOU TOOK THE MONEY.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS, JEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE
GOING TO DO WITH HIM.

IT WAS TAKE IT
OR LEAVE IT.

BESIDES, MAYBE A CHIMP
DOES BELONG IN THE JUNGLE.

NOT THAT ONE.
JEN.

WE CAN GET MARRIED NOW.
WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING.

I THOUGHT WE DID
FOR A WHILE.

NOW WE HAVE NOTHING.

I DON'T EVEN THINK
I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH ANYMORE.

[ Men Chattering ]

[ Soft Chittering ]

[ Mertons ] HEY, BOSS.
WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND
IS WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO ?

WELL, IT'S JUST TOO IMPORTANT
A MISSION TO TRUST
TO, UH, UNDERLINGS.

YEAH, BUT ALL
THE OTHER NETWORKS ARE HERE.

OH, I GET IT.
YOU DON'T TRUST EACH OTHER.
[ Snorting, Laughing ]

WELL, OF COURSE WE TRUST
EACH OTHER. WHERE WOULD YOU GET
A RIDICULOUS IDEA LIKE THAT ?

I-IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE...
GETTING TOGETHER
TO HAVE A LITTLE, UH, OUTING.

YES. AND YOU'RE IN CHARGE
WHILE WE'RE GONE.

ME IN CHARGE ?
YOU'RE KIDDING ?

WE'VE NEVER BEEN
MORE SERIOUS !

WELL, WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO ?

NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
IF ANYONE ASKS YOU A QUESTION,
YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER.

IF ANYONE WANTS A DECISION,
STALL.

DON'T DO ANYTHING AT ALL !
NOW, DO YOU THINK
YOU CAN HANDLE THAT ?

YEAH.

NOW WHAT ?

UH, MR. WILBANKS, CAN I
TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE ?

ABOUT WHAT ?
WELL, UH--

YOU SEE, I WAS WONDERING
IF, IF MAYBE YOU'D RECONSIDER.

YOU KNOW, I GIVE YOU
THE MILLION DOLLARS BACK,
AND YOU GIVE ME THE CHIMP ?

WELL, CERTAINLY NOT, POST.
ARE YOU CRAZY ?
A DEAL IS A DEAL.

AND THAT'S ALL
THERE IS TO IT !
OF ALL THE NERVE !

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Brakes Squealing ]

[ Airplane Engine Starting,
Idling ]

ALL SET, UNCLE.

MERTONS IS IN CHARGE
TILL WE GET BACK.
HELP HIM ALL YOU CAN.

MERTONS IS IN CHARGE ?

NOW, OPEN THE DOOR,
ROGER.

GEE, I'M SORRY, STEVE.

BUT I GUESS YOU
CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING.

BOY, I'D SURE DO IT DIFFERENT
IF I HAD ANOTHER CHANCE.

BOY, YOU GENTLEMEN SURE
PICKED AN ISOLATED SPOT.

I-I DON'T THINK THIS PLACE
HAS EVER BEEN EXPLORED.

WELL, UH, DON'T WORRY,
UH, ABOUT THE CHIMP.

HE'S USED TO
FENDING FOR HIMSELF.

OKAY, GENTLEMEN, IF YOU'LL
CLEAR THIS AREA, UH,

I'M GONNA OPEN UP THIS HATCH
AND THERE'S GONNA BE
A LOT OF SUCTION THERE.

AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE
ANY OF YOU GENTLEMEN.
RIGHT, CAPTAIN.

WE'LL WATCH IT
FROM BACK THERE.
OKAY, UH--

TAKE IT EASY BACK THERE,
HUH, GENTLEMEN ?

AND BY ALL MEANS,
UH, DON'T TOUCH
ANY OF THOSE LEVERS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT CHUTE.
IT'S GUARANTEED TO OPEN
IN TEN SECONDS.

OH ! DON'T TOUCH
THAT LEVER. OH.

THAT'S A NO-NO.
OOH. DON'T DO THAT.
NO, NO, NO.

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE,
CHIEF ?
JUST FINE, FRANCIS.

AS SOON AS THE CHIMP IS OUT,
WE'LL HAVE LUNCH.
OH, THAT'LL BE NICE.

ALL RIGHT, LITTLE FELLA.
HERE WE GO.
OPEN UP LIKE THAT.

[ Wind Whistling ]
OUT WE GO.
JUMP. JUMP.

[ Raffles Howling ]
WHEN YOU THROW HIM OUT,

BE SURE YOU THROW HIM FAR ENOUGH
SO HE'S IN THE PICTURES !

HERE WE GO.
OUT WE GO. NO ?
[ Chittering ]

- WILL YOU THROW HIM OUT ?
- I DON'T THINK HE WANTS TO GO.

I DON'T THINK HE WANTS TO GO,
MISTER. PUT YOUR FOOT OUT.
HERE WE GO.

- GET RID OF HIM !
- FOOT UP. COME ON.
GET OUT.

- [ Screaming ]
- OH, MR. CRAMPTON !

OH, MR. CRAMPTON !

I THINK I CAN
EXPLAIN THIS, GUYS.

YOU SEE, WE WERE CRUISING
UP THERE AT 2,000 FEET,
AND THE WIND--

[ Dialing Phone ]

HELLO ? OH, STEVE !

YEAH. YEAH. I--

I SEEM TO BE CALLING
FOR A FRIEND OF YOURS.

SAY, UH, THIS IS GONNA BE
HARD TO BELIEVE BUT...

YOU REMEMBER THAT CHANCE
YOU WERE TALKIN' ABOUT ?

WELL, YA GOT IT !
[ Snorting, Laughing ]

YEAH !
[ Snorting, Laughing ]

IT WAS THAT SIMPLE. I GAVE
MERTONS THE MILLION DOLLARS,
AND HE GAVE ME THE CHIMP.

WELL, IT MUST HAVE BEEN TOUGH
TO GIVE UP ALL THAT MONEY.

MERTONS NEEDED IT TO FINANCE
AN EXPEDITIONARY FORCE TO FIND
WILBANKS AND THE REST OF THEM.

[ Laughs ]
WELL, YOU KNOW,

WHEN YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT,
IT WASN'T EVEN MY MONEY.

IT WAS YOURS.
HE'S YOUR CHIMP.

YOU MEAN, I GAVE UP
A MILLION BUCKS ?

[ Chuckles ]
YEP.

YOU KNOW WHAT, STEVE ?
I DON'T EVEN THINK
WE'RE GONNA MISS IT.

[ Woman On TV ]
AND NOW AN EXCLUSIVE.

STEVEN POST,
TELEVISION'S MAN OF THE YEAR,

RESIGNED HIS POSITION TODAY
AS VICE PRESIDENT OF UBC,

AND TOOK AS HIS BRIDE,
MISS JENNIFER SCOTT,

HIS PRIVATE SECRETARY
AND CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART.

THEIR HONEYMOON DESTINATION
IS UNKNOWN,

BUT WHEREVER THEY GO,
THEIR MANY FRIENDS...

WISH THIS STORYBOOK COUPLE
THE STORYBOOK ENDING:

THAT THEY LIVE
HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

* HE'S GONNA MAKE IT
HE'S GONNA MAKE IT *

* HE'S GONNA TAKE THIS
COCKEYED WORLD AND SHAKE IT *

* HE'S GONNA SHOW THEM
HE'S A WINNER IN THE END *

* WITH A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK

* AND A LITTLE BITTY
BAREFOOT FRIEND **