The Barber of Siberia (1998) - full transcript

Douglas is a foreign entrepreneur, who ventures to Russia in 1885 with dreams of selling a new, experimental steam-driven timber harvester in the wilds of Siberia. Jane is his assistant, who falls in love with a young Russian officer, André, and spends the next 10 years perfecting the harvester and pursuing her love, who has been exiled to Siberia.

- Well?
- How much is there?

Three hundred.

- Did you like them?
- Yes.

Two thirds.

One third.

Okay, let's take half.


About saying good-bye.

It bothers me that
we never see them again.

Does it?

Cut the crap, Goof.
Let's get down to work.

Wait out here.

Are you crazy?
You don't know him.

My name is Goof.

What are you doing?

I finally make contact by myself,
and you come along and ruin it.

Ruin it? I just saved you.

Airheads like that
hang out at McDonald's.

Besides, we've already had Swedes.

They were German.

Come on, smart-ass.

What were you doing?

You'll see tonight.

Be subtle, Goof.

Staring like some moron
will only scare them off.

- Take a different approach.
- Like what?

Try to look more out of
the corner of your eye.


Now step back.

A little further.

- That's just like you.
- Why didn't you tell me?

Hey, Goof. Look over there.

Isn't that the chick from last week,
Heidi or something?

I don't think so.

Well, I was wrong.

Why do you always get the cutest one?

Natural selection.
It's not my doing. It's God's.

- You said God doesn't exist, only you.
- No. I said, "There's just the I."

In your case, that's you.

- Wanna smoke, Kika baby?
- Yeah. Thanks, Freddy.

- Angela?
- Yes, please.

- You two?
- No, thanks.

Do you have black currant soda?

Black currant soda?

I don't sell that stuff.
It's for wimps.

Still, you did a shitty thing.

You shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

That's a form of racism, you know.

Every individual is interesting.

Every woman has something
characteristic and unique about her,

whether she's beautiful or ugly.

- Then you take the fat one.
- No, she prefers you.

You have to respect that.

Sit down next to her. Go on.



What are you waiting for?

She's sweet.

- That blob?
- She's not a blob.

She's beautiful.

Don't get sentimental on me.
Rip it out.

Not that much. They were nice.

Mine wasn't that nice.

- Take her money then.
- That's what I'm doing.

- Stick to the rules.
- Look who's talking.

That's what I'm doing,
but you keep changing them!

It's called dialectics, Goof.

Thesis, antithesis, synthesis.

It's not fair.

Angela doesn't have much money
and hates her job in Turin.

That's her problem.

Where's the fucking camera?

Where's the camera?

Sissy! Are you in this or not?

This bullshit doesn't do us any good.

Now those bitches
even have a picture of me.

So it works out better
if we steal all the money?

Of course.

The shittier we are to them,
the better it works.

You told me yourself

you only fall in love
when there's some hope.

Try to understand that
there's no use falling in love.

Don't give in to your feelings.

You have to draw the line somewhere.

If we steal everything,
there's no way back.

So why don't we steal
their credit cards as well?


We can't do that.

It's against the law.

I'd just fallen asleep.

I told you I work night shifts.

Shut up, Goof.

- I didn't say anything.
- See?

No, that was Goof,
bullshitting as usual.

Mom, I'm going back to sleep.

Love you too. Bye.

- What was in that bottle?
- What bottle?

- You stuck it up your nose.
- It was for my cold.

No, those are poppers, stupid.

It's for sex.
It gives me that last boost.

- Is it the train from Cologne or Paris?
- Paris.

- So you're impotent.
- No, but it makes coming much better.

Would I like it too?

They say it kills brain cells.
You're short of those already, so...

Listen up. Freddy's Peace Hotel.

Pot smokers' paradise.

Fuck off, man!

You think it's hers?

- Let's take it to lost and found.
- But what a waste.


Beat it.


What are you doing?
Where are we going?

- I want my bag back.
- What?

- Are you crazy?
- Relax, man.

Isn't it nice of Kristy to pay?

I think I'll try the lobster.

Not now, Goof.

Could you say something to her?

I can't get a conversation going.

Maybe some other time, okay?

Hey, moron!
What's that bitch doing here?

It's Lara.

- She's from Siberia.
- I don't care where she's from.

We agreed not to bring any girls here.

I hope you realize
I just stole her friend's identity,

not to mention her liquid assets.

I can't believe what a jerk you are!

Now she knows who we are,
what we do and where we live.

You got us into trouble.

- You clean up this mess.
- Why?

You robbed Kristy. I didn't.

No, Mom.

I can't talk now.

This is a bad time.

No, I've switched to day shifts.

Bad timing again.

Yes. I'll call you back later.

Too bad, huh?

I don't mind paying the rent,
but you could do some shopping.

If Kristy wasn't in town,
I'd kick this bitch out right now.

You hear that, Goof?

- We could kick her out now.
- Shut up.

So what's it like to fuck
someone from Siberia?

I don't know.

- Didn't you try?
- Of course not.

- So what did you do?
- We talked.

What a waste of time.

That's what you think, Fuckboy.

See? She understands Dutch.

Hey, cunt.
Do you understand Dutch?

And so is "get lost."

She says you're boring.
And a terrible dancer.

- Lara and I just had a good talk.
- That's great.

I've finally decided
what to do with our money.


We'll go to Siberia.

The three of us.

You, Lara and me.


Okay, let's do it.

That's nice of you.
I didn't expect it of you.

See? Even I have my strong points.

See? It's just bullshit.

What do you mean?

You've been had again.
She doesn't want to go to Siberia.

That's not fair. She doesn't even know
what you're talking about.

Even so, I think it's very revealing.

It says a lot about her personality.

She's very negative.

Listen, Hugo.
She really wants to go to Siberia.

She just doesn't know it yet.

- It's gotta be a surprise.
- She doesn't know she wants to go?

She knows she wants to go,
but not that we'll buy her a ticket.

I'm not buying her a ticket.

Why would she want to go back?
She must be here for a reason.

She's really homesick.

Yeah, all Russians are, even in Russia.

We could split up the money
if you don't want to go.

Split it up?

What are you doing?

You think I'm gonna stick around here

and watch you ignore
one rule after the other?

If you want to go to Siberia,

you'd better find yourself a job.

- Then that's what I'll do.
- Go ahead.

I see married life
has already begun.

It's really unfair that you
don't want to split the money.


We agreed to spend
the money together

on something that we'd both like.

Going to Siberia together
is not something we'd both like.

Why do you always
treat me like a child?

Because I hate to see
a friend lose his head

over some Siberian icebox.

Hugo, I'm sick of cheating girls
and stealing their money.

What's your problem?

You don't have to love 'em.
just screw 'em.


I understand
if you fall in love now and then.

I've been through that myself.

But the money belongs to both of us.

That's worth something.
You can't let a woman ruin that.

- I want my money.
- Now you should really shut up.

Without me,
there wouldn't be any.

You can't do it without me anymore.

How was business tonight?

You're home early.
Where's your new passport page?

Okay, you asked for it.

What are you doing?

- Duplicates.
- What are you doing?

Are you crazy?

Don't touch those!

You've got nine different nationalities.

I've got 1 1.

The first to reach 1 5
gets all the money.

- You'll win, of course.
- That's why I suggested it.

That's ridiculous!
You can't ask me to do that now!

Haven't you learned anything?

Remember you used to think
you couldn't seduce girls?

If you really want something,
you force yourself to do it.

Will above feelings, remember?

You're ahead by two.

Hang on.

You get Kristy.

I don't want her.

- Then take this one.
- No.

This one?

Now we both have ten.

So I just need five more?

And then I take it all.

And you get nothing.



Fuck.! Where did that bastard
put those fucking forms?

Did you do something
to make Lara feel unwelcome?

What do you mean?

Lara is very sensitive.

She says she doesn't feel welcome.

- So what did I do?
- Nothing.

It's just a feeling she has.

- Just a feeling?
- Yes.

- She's a very...
- Sensitive girl.

By the way, that girl Marina,

she wasn't just Greek,

but American as well.

Two down, three to go.

What did she prefer?

The Greek or the American way?

The French way.

Have a nice shower?

- Morning, Hugo. Sleep well?
- Yeah, fine.

Did you really sleep well last night?


The cupboard.
Didn't the noise bother you?


I slept like a log.

- I was exhausted.
- There was no new page.

Stupid, huh?

I had a great fuck, but I forgot
to rip the page from her passport.

Too bad.

See you.

You should try a little harder.

- If you lose, I'll feel sorry for you.
- I'm not that pathetic.

I'm getting fed up with our bet.

- It's so childish.
- What are you trying to say?

If I win, I don't really
need all that money.

I'm happy enough with Lara,
and in Siberia you don't need much money.

- Part of it is yours.
- Don't get sentimental. I'm not your mother.

Suit yourself.
I'll see you tonight.

Isn't she sweet when she's asleep?

Too bad she's not worth it.

If Lara really likes you, why does
she prefer a platonic relationship?

You don't get it.

Sex actually means
something to her.


- She's just using you.
- You'll never understand, Fuckboy.


She's a sponger.

She doesn't want to go to Siberia.
She just wants to drive us apart.

Well, she's succeeding.

One more to go. Time to score.

See you tonight.


- Listen, Mom.
- Something's wrong with Lara!

She's dead!

- I fucked her to death.
- What?

- I fucked her to death.
- Where are you?

- Near Oudezijds. Help me.
- I'm on my way.

- Shall I call the hospital?
- No, just stay there and wait for me.

- Are you still there?
- Yeah, I'm still here.

- What happened?
- She suddenly turned pale.

Her face turned pale.

She stopped moving.

She just didn't move anymore.

She was there.

She's alive.

- You idiot!
- She's alive!

I told you not to trust her!

Congratulations, Lara. You win.

She wants to see me again.

She was just using you.

Now she's off to Siberia on her own.

This will calm you down.

Drink up.

What's it like to fuck someone to death?

I'm sorry.

We're better off
now that she's gone.

Now you know what she's worth.

You won.


I needed one more.

You got one more.
A Russian girl.

Too bad about the money, though.

Cool it.

Get out!

I thought we were friends.

We were business partners,

but our business went bankrupt.

Come on, Goof.

Open the door.

Come on, let me in.

Isn't she sweet when she's asleep?
Too bad she's not worth it.

One more to go. Time to score.
See you tonight.


Which one do you want framed?

Come on, Goof.

Open the door.!

Okay, go ahead.

- What do you mean?
- Tell me.

- What's this bullshit?
- So leave it.

No! Wait. I...

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

About Siberia and all that.

- That shit with Lara.
- What shit with Lara?


Lara. I know her kind.

- I know that if...
- What do you know?

Come on, let's go out
and have fun like we used to.

All right?

What's the use
of staying locked up all day?

- Goof?
- Cut it out.

- You just want to fuck around.
- Goddamn! That's enough!

Don't you understand
she's still here?

She's not waiting for you in Siberia!

She's still here in Amsterdam
at Freddy's Peace Hotel,

hanging out with Freddy.

She doesn't care about you!

We're gonna get our money back.

But this time I set the rules.

Why don't we just rob a bank instead?

Don't tell me you're afraid
of an old hippie.

They're the most dangerous of all.

- Give me the poppers.
- No fucking, remember?

- I know you've got them.
- I don't.

Don't lie to me.

- Lying isn't allowed?
- No.

Well, only if necessary,

and only for a good cause.

Even to your friends?

What are you doing?
They're not asleep yet.

I have to take a leak, okay?

- I'll go with you.
- No. You keep the girls busy.

- What's keeping you?
- Let me shit in peace.


You've been in there for an hour.

Almost done.

just wiping my butt. You go ahead.

Those girls are great.

Can't we postpone our stupid plan?

Hey, blondie.

Friends really shouldn't lie
to each other.

Come on. Give me the bottle.

What happened between you and Lara?


I don't need that Russian slut.

Why would I?

Because you keep following your dick.

"Love doesn't exist, only lust." Right?

Stop preaching.

So nothing happened
between the two of you?

Of course not.
You're my friend, right?

Think so?


Come on, give me the bottle.

I don't know if I'd ever forgive you.

I know.

That's why I'd never do such a thing.


if I actually had done it,

I'd feel really bad about it.

- Is your buddy here too?
- I don't have a buddy.

- Where's that bigmouthed twit?
- Beats me.

Get back here, dickhead!

Some friend, that buddy of yours.

- Let's you take the rap for it.
- What do you mean?

He ran off with my money, smart-ass.

Good for you, Goof.

Damn, it's cold!

Hugo, isn't it great
being in Siberia together?

Yeah, great.

Only next time we go to Mexico.