The Babbling Book (1932) - full transcript
Burns and Allen have a dizzy conversation in a bookstore.
[♪♪♪]
[SINGING]
In the good old summer time
In the good old summer time
[WORDLESS SINGING]
That's a very good sign
[WORDLESS SINGING]
In the good old summer time
In the good old summer time
Mother.
--You could all come--
Mother!
Come here.
Come here.
Now listen.
Don't try to tell me
that that's sugar.
I just found out
that for two years,
I've been drinking my
coffee with salt in it.
And I'm telling you it's sugar.
I've been cooking
for 25 years, and I
certainly ought to
know the difference
between salt and sugar.
What's the trouble?
Mother says this is sugar,
and I say it's salt.
Ah, let's see.
What do you think?
You're both right.
It's flour.
See?
What did I tell you?
Grace, what are you
doing with that?
Oh, I just took the
screen off the window
to let the flies
out of the room.
Far it from me be-- no, no.
Fi-- far it--
be--
Quiet, John.
Quiet
Grace, dear.
The landlord said he's
going to raise the rent.
Ooh, mother, did you thank him?
You know, father's been
trying to raise the rent
all month and couldn't.
What would you
like for breakfast?
Well, first I'll have my coffee.
And then my toast,
and then my eggs, then
my bacon, then my orange juice.
Well, you're having your
breakfast backwards.
Yeah, I know.
My stomach is upset.
Come on, dear.
You have to hurry.
You'll be late for work.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
And mother, I think she
ought to have a sweater.
No, I don't need a sweater.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Don't forget your umbrella.
No, I've got my umbrella.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
And look out for the taxis.
Yes, and be careful.
And be sure to phone me.
You know how I worry.
Oh, mother, don't
I always phone you?
I know you do, dear.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
--Promise not to phone you.
Bye-bye, dear.
Goodbye, darling.
Goodbye.
I'll see you later.
Good morning.
Oh, good morning, Miss Allen.
I know, but I'll worry till
I hear that she's all right.
That poor dear baby of mine.
What will I do?
There, there.
Oh, no matter.
Hello?
Ravingswood 88-0000.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Hello, mother?
Yes, dear.
Well, I just made it, mother.
Oh, I'm so glad, dear.
Look how good?
Huh, dear?
Yeah, how's daddy?
Oh, he's fine, dear.
Oh, that's good.
He's feeling better, huh?
Yes, dear.
All right.
Wells I'll see
you later, mother.
Yes, darling.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, darling.
You sure this is all the
murder stories you got?
I'm sorry, but this
is all at present.
Eh.
Well, then they're
all good murders, huh?
They're all marvelous.
Excellent, really.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, the last book I bought,
there was only 12 people
killed in the first
chapter, and that's no good.
12, huh?
Why, in these books there are
15 to 20 murders on every page.
You'll be surprised.
Oh, well that's
much better, yes.
Well, Hector, that fixes you
up, and thank you very much,
old man.
Now, come in next week.
We're liable to have some
marvelous books in next week.
Yeah, you bet I will.
Goodbye.
Come right in.
Sure, anytime.
Thanks very much.
Well, go ahead and
be comical now.
Ask me if I got a match.
Well, have you got a match?
Sure.
There you are.
Thanks very much.
It's awfully nice of you.
If you got a match.
Well, what is that?
Something I can do for you?
Yes, there's a match for you.
Thanks very much.
My name is George Burns.
I suppose your
name is Sam Smith.
How'd you guess it?
I looked at the window.
It said proprietor Tom
Jones, so immediately I
knew that you were Sam Smith.
Well, you're right.
My name's Al Brown.
Glad to meet you, Mr. Davis.
Pleasure to know you.
Now, what can I do for you?
Well, I'd like to
buy a true story
book with all the trimmings.
How would you like The
Life of Victor Young?
I wouldn't like anybody's life.
I'd like to buy a
book and go home.
Miss Allen will take
care of you, and--
Miss Allen, will you take
care of George Burns?
Oh, certainly.
Thanks very much.
Mr. Newman, would you tell
the taxicab I'll be right out?
Pleasure.
Thank you.
Miss Allen?
Oh, I'm sorry if I
was late, but I fell.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Did you hurt yourself?
Oh, no.
I fell asleep.
You fell asleep?
Yes.
That's fine.
Well, I'd like a book.
Hey.
Hey.
Your bill is $1.
I'll be right out.
Wait for me outside.
$1.
Look, Miss Allen, I'd
like to buy a book.
And what would you advise?
Would you advise the
old writers or would
you advise the new writers?
Oh, I'd advise the old writers.
You see, my brother
had new writers
and it was very painful.
New writers?
Yes.
That last joke was a
little painful, too.
But my father cured my brother.
Your father?
Yes.
Well, how is your father?
My father?
Oh, he's all right,
if you like fathers.
If you like fathers?
Yeah.
Well, don't you
like your father?
Well, I'm a little like this.
Ooh, a little like that?
Yeah.
What's the matter with him?
Well, you know, I think
that father drinks a little.
You think your father drinks?
Yeah.
He came home last night
and he had a black eye,
he punched my brothers, he
broke a mirror, he fell down
and he laid there.
Kind of hinting that
he was drinking.
Yeah.
I went over to my
mother and I says Mama,
I think Papa's drunk.
I'll bet your mother
was surprised.
Yeah.
She thought he was dead.
Mm.
What did your brothers say?
Yeah-- oh my br--
Oh, they didn't say anything.
You see, they're twins.
They didn't say
anything, they're twins?
Yeah, only-- only Joe
hasn't got a wooden leg.
Oh, this is going
to be all right.
Joe hasn't got a wooden leg?
And Harry has.
Harry has?
Yeah.
My mother has a cute little
way of telling them apart.
I'll bet she has.
She kicks Joe in the leg, and
if he hollers ouch, it's Harry.
Hm.
Hey.
Your bill is $2.
I'll see you outside.
That taxicab driver thinks
he's not going to be paid,
and he's right.
Look, miss, I'm in a hurry.
A book, please.
I'd like to go.
Let's see.
Oh, how would you like
a book about a dog?
No, I'm not interested in dogs.
I don't know.
Well, you know, my brother Harry
has a police dog for protection
from robbers.
You don't say.
Yeah.
And last week a robber
got in the house
and the dog bit Harry.
The dog bit Harry?
Yes.
I'll bet the dog died.
Yeah, he did.
I was afraid of that.
You know, I always thought that
a police dog was a one-man dog.
Yeah, but Harry wasn't the man.
Harry wasn't the man.
I'll bet you can tell them about
now since Harry has that bite.
Oh, no.
The twins still look alike.
Well, they look so much alike
people take them for triplets.
People take them for triplets?
Yes.
Wish the cab driver would
take me out of here.
How could twins be
taken for triplets?
Oh, well, you see, my
brother Joe is two-faced.
Your brother Joe is two--
I suppose you know what
you're talking about.
Well, certainly I know
what I'm talking about.
Far be me from it not to
know what I'm talking about.
Just a minute.
One minute.
What did you say?
I said far be me from it
not to know what I'm--
No, no, no.
Not far be me from it.
You mean far be it--
far-- just a minute.
Far--
Yeah.
Far be me from it.
Well, you know, for a minute,
I thought you were wrong.
I mean, it's silly of me.
I'll bet that you have a
lot of sisters and brothers.
I have a lot of
sisters and brothers.
How'd you guess?
Well, I figure anybody
that makes one mistake
makes a whole lot of mistakes.
That's my own idea.
Oh, you're silly.
Say, how would you like
a book about a desert?
A desert?
Yes.
A desert?
Yes.
How do you know
it's about a desert?
Well, look at the sand.
Well, look.
Between the jokes in here
and the cab driver outside,
I'll probably die laughing.
Yeah.
Sand in the book was one of
my brother Harry's jokes.
I suppose your brother Harry
was one of your father's jokes?
Yeah.
There you go again.
Here's a book on
London right here.
Oh, would you like
that on London?
Well, I don't know.
Do you really think that
London is the foggiest place
in the world?
Oh, no, no.
I was to a place much foggier.
Is that so?
Yes.
Where's that?
Well, it was so foggy I
couldn't see where it was.
Hmm.
I'll bet you have trouble
seeing with your eyes open.
Yes, I have.
Hey.
The bill is $3.
How much is that taxi?
$3.
That's a very good buy for $3.
Did you say goodbye?
Yes.
Goodbye, goodbye.
I'll see you outside.
Silly talk.
Say, here's a lovely book.
What's-- what's
the name of that?
The Last Days Of Pompeii.
The Last Days Of Pompeii?
Yes.
Well, what did he die from?
Yeah, well, I don't know.
I think it was an eruption.
You think it was an eruption?
Yeah.
I don't think I like that.
The covers are too far apart.
Oh, well, we can
easily fix that.
Look.
There, that's better, isn't it?
Yeah, well, that's
a little better.
How much is that?
Well, that's $6.
$6?
Yes.
I haven't got $5.
I've only got
between $18 and $20.
Oh, then you have $5.
No, I have between $18 and $20.
I have $2.
Oh, no.
I couldn't sell it for $2.
Well, look at the leather
and look at the gold letters
and everything.
Well, all right.
Then we can't do any
business, that's all.
I mean, it's a--
Well, now, look.
Maybe we can.
Supposing you take
it without the cover.
Would that help?
Without the cover?
Yes.
Well, I don't know.
You see, I always read
a book before I buy it,
and then I don't buy it.
I mean, that's--
Oh, well, I can
help you out there.
Now look.
You take a page home, and
if you like it, come back
and we'll do business.
Is that really a good book?
Oh, the finish is marvelous.
The finish?
Yeah.
Well, what-- what
about the beginning?
Well, I don't know.
I'm not up that far.
You're not up that far.
No.
Hey.
Your bill is $4.
$4?
Well, just a minute.
I'll pay and get rid of you.
Look, I don't want to leave
without buying something.
I'll give you $1 for the book.
Well, yeah, all right.
I'll take $1.
All right, fine.
I've got $1 here.
I'll-- just hold this
a minute, will you?
I'm sure I have $1.
Oh, there it is.
There it is.
No, no.
That's a five.
That's a five.
Well, that's all right.
You give me $4 change.
And you keep a dollar and
and I'll give you the four.
All right.
All right.
Now just a minute.
Now just give me four.
That's it.
That's $1 for the book, and
four for me, and four to you.
That evens us up.
And I'm sure I had $1 someplace.
Ooh, ooh, there's the dollar.
There's the dollar.
Now give me back
my five, please.
I found my dollar.
Isn't that lucky?
Yes.
Oh, I should say.
I was lucky to find that.
Thanks very much.
That squares us.
Oops, I think he's been cheated.
You say cheated?
Cheated?
I said cheated?
Oh, I wouldn't cheat anybody.
Far be me from it.
I couldn't cheat anyone--
Now just a minute.
We had that same
trouble over there.
It isn't far-- it's far
from it be me to it.
Oh, no, you're wrong.
Say, governor.
You're both wrong.
It's far be it from me.
Look, stick to the cab.
Go, go.
It's far from it--
Far be me from it.
Now just a minute.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Let me-- It's far from--
Just a minute.
Just a minute.
What you mean is,
far from it be me.
Ha!
He's even worse--
Just-- it's far--
he's-- wait a minute.
It's far be it from me, to it--
Just-- just a minute.
It's far from it be it.
Wrong again.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Now just-- please,
just a minute, now.
I don't want to butt in
here, but that expression
is far it from me be.
That's your father.
Yeah, how'd you guess?
I thought so.
It's far from it--
Now listen, I know the
man who invented the--
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
[SINGING]
In the good old summer time
In the good old summer time
[WORDLESS SINGING]
That's a very good sign
[WORDLESS SINGING]
In the good old summer time
In the good old summer time
Mother.
--You could all come--
Mother!
Come here.
Come here.
Now listen.
Don't try to tell me
that that's sugar.
I just found out
that for two years,
I've been drinking my
coffee with salt in it.
And I'm telling you it's sugar.
I've been cooking
for 25 years, and I
certainly ought to
know the difference
between salt and sugar.
What's the trouble?
Mother says this is sugar,
and I say it's salt.
Ah, let's see.
What do you think?
You're both right.
It's flour.
See?
What did I tell you?
Grace, what are you
doing with that?
Oh, I just took the
screen off the window
to let the flies
out of the room.
Far it from me be-- no, no.
Fi-- far it--
be--
Quiet, John.
Quiet
Grace, dear.
The landlord said he's
going to raise the rent.
Ooh, mother, did you thank him?
You know, father's been
trying to raise the rent
all month and couldn't.
What would you
like for breakfast?
Well, first I'll have my coffee.
And then my toast,
and then my eggs, then
my bacon, then my orange juice.
Well, you're having your
breakfast backwards.
Yeah, I know.
My stomach is upset.
Come on, dear.
You have to hurry.
You'll be late for work.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
And mother, I think she
ought to have a sweater.
No, I don't need a sweater.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Don't forget your umbrella.
No, I've got my umbrella.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
And look out for the taxis.
Yes, and be careful.
And be sure to phone me.
You know how I worry.
Oh, mother, don't
I always phone you?
I know you do, dear.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
--Promise not to phone you.
Bye-bye, dear.
Goodbye, darling.
Goodbye.
I'll see you later.
Good morning.
Oh, good morning, Miss Allen.
I know, but I'll worry till
I hear that she's all right.
That poor dear baby of mine.
What will I do?
There, there.
Oh, no matter.
Hello?
Ravingswood 88-0000.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Hello, mother?
Yes, dear.
Well, I just made it, mother.
Oh, I'm so glad, dear.
Look how good?
Huh, dear?
Yeah, how's daddy?
Oh, he's fine, dear.
Oh, that's good.
He's feeling better, huh?
Yes, dear.
All right.
Wells I'll see
you later, mother.
Yes, darling.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, darling.
You sure this is all the
murder stories you got?
I'm sorry, but this
is all at present.
Eh.
Well, then they're
all good murders, huh?
They're all marvelous.
Excellent, really.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, the last book I bought,
there was only 12 people
killed in the first
chapter, and that's no good.
12, huh?
Why, in these books there are
15 to 20 murders on every page.
You'll be surprised.
Oh, well that's
much better, yes.
Well, Hector, that fixes you
up, and thank you very much,
old man.
Now, come in next week.
We're liable to have some
marvelous books in next week.
Yeah, you bet I will.
Goodbye.
Come right in.
Sure, anytime.
Thanks very much.
Well, go ahead and
be comical now.
Ask me if I got a match.
Well, have you got a match?
Sure.
There you are.
Thanks very much.
It's awfully nice of you.
If you got a match.
Well, what is that?
Something I can do for you?
Yes, there's a match for you.
Thanks very much.
My name is George Burns.
I suppose your
name is Sam Smith.
How'd you guess it?
I looked at the window.
It said proprietor Tom
Jones, so immediately I
knew that you were Sam Smith.
Well, you're right.
My name's Al Brown.
Glad to meet you, Mr. Davis.
Pleasure to know you.
Now, what can I do for you?
Well, I'd like to
buy a true story
book with all the trimmings.
How would you like The
Life of Victor Young?
I wouldn't like anybody's life.
I'd like to buy a
book and go home.
Miss Allen will take
care of you, and--
Miss Allen, will you take
care of George Burns?
Oh, certainly.
Thanks very much.
Mr. Newman, would you tell
the taxicab I'll be right out?
Pleasure.
Thank you.
Miss Allen?
Oh, I'm sorry if I
was late, but I fell.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Did you hurt yourself?
Oh, no.
I fell asleep.
You fell asleep?
Yes.
That's fine.
Well, I'd like a book.
Hey.
Hey.
Your bill is $1.
I'll be right out.
Wait for me outside.
$1.
Look, Miss Allen, I'd
like to buy a book.
And what would you advise?
Would you advise the
old writers or would
you advise the new writers?
Oh, I'd advise the old writers.
You see, my brother
had new writers
and it was very painful.
New writers?
Yes.
That last joke was a
little painful, too.
But my father cured my brother.
Your father?
Yes.
Well, how is your father?
My father?
Oh, he's all right,
if you like fathers.
If you like fathers?
Yeah.
Well, don't you
like your father?
Well, I'm a little like this.
Ooh, a little like that?
Yeah.
What's the matter with him?
Well, you know, I think
that father drinks a little.
You think your father drinks?
Yeah.
He came home last night
and he had a black eye,
he punched my brothers, he
broke a mirror, he fell down
and he laid there.
Kind of hinting that
he was drinking.
Yeah.
I went over to my
mother and I says Mama,
I think Papa's drunk.
I'll bet your mother
was surprised.
Yeah.
She thought he was dead.
Mm.
What did your brothers say?
Yeah-- oh my br--
Oh, they didn't say anything.
You see, they're twins.
They didn't say
anything, they're twins?
Yeah, only-- only Joe
hasn't got a wooden leg.
Oh, this is going
to be all right.
Joe hasn't got a wooden leg?
And Harry has.
Harry has?
Yeah.
My mother has a cute little
way of telling them apart.
I'll bet she has.
She kicks Joe in the leg, and
if he hollers ouch, it's Harry.
Hm.
Hey.
Your bill is $2.
I'll see you outside.
That taxicab driver thinks
he's not going to be paid,
and he's right.
Look, miss, I'm in a hurry.
A book, please.
I'd like to go.
Let's see.
Oh, how would you like
a book about a dog?
No, I'm not interested in dogs.
I don't know.
Well, you know, my brother Harry
has a police dog for protection
from robbers.
You don't say.
Yeah.
And last week a robber
got in the house
and the dog bit Harry.
The dog bit Harry?
Yes.
I'll bet the dog died.
Yeah, he did.
I was afraid of that.
You know, I always thought that
a police dog was a one-man dog.
Yeah, but Harry wasn't the man.
Harry wasn't the man.
I'll bet you can tell them about
now since Harry has that bite.
Oh, no.
The twins still look alike.
Well, they look so much alike
people take them for triplets.
People take them for triplets?
Yes.
Wish the cab driver would
take me out of here.
How could twins be
taken for triplets?
Oh, well, you see, my
brother Joe is two-faced.
Your brother Joe is two--
I suppose you know what
you're talking about.
Well, certainly I know
what I'm talking about.
Far be me from it not to
know what I'm talking about.
Just a minute.
One minute.
What did you say?
I said far be me from it
not to know what I'm--
No, no, no.
Not far be me from it.
You mean far be it--
far-- just a minute.
Far--
Yeah.
Far be me from it.
Well, you know, for a minute,
I thought you were wrong.
I mean, it's silly of me.
I'll bet that you have a
lot of sisters and brothers.
I have a lot of
sisters and brothers.
How'd you guess?
Well, I figure anybody
that makes one mistake
makes a whole lot of mistakes.
That's my own idea.
Oh, you're silly.
Say, how would you like
a book about a desert?
A desert?
Yes.
A desert?
Yes.
How do you know
it's about a desert?
Well, look at the sand.
Well, look.
Between the jokes in here
and the cab driver outside,
I'll probably die laughing.
Yeah.
Sand in the book was one of
my brother Harry's jokes.
I suppose your brother Harry
was one of your father's jokes?
Yeah.
There you go again.
Here's a book on
London right here.
Oh, would you like
that on London?
Well, I don't know.
Do you really think that
London is the foggiest place
in the world?
Oh, no, no.
I was to a place much foggier.
Is that so?
Yes.
Where's that?
Well, it was so foggy I
couldn't see where it was.
Hmm.
I'll bet you have trouble
seeing with your eyes open.
Yes, I have.
Hey.
The bill is $3.
How much is that taxi?
$3.
That's a very good buy for $3.
Did you say goodbye?
Yes.
Goodbye, goodbye.
I'll see you outside.
Silly talk.
Say, here's a lovely book.
What's-- what's
the name of that?
The Last Days Of Pompeii.
The Last Days Of Pompeii?
Yes.
Well, what did he die from?
Yeah, well, I don't know.
I think it was an eruption.
You think it was an eruption?
Yeah.
I don't think I like that.
The covers are too far apart.
Oh, well, we can
easily fix that.
Look.
There, that's better, isn't it?
Yeah, well, that's
a little better.
How much is that?
Well, that's $6.
$6?
Yes.
I haven't got $5.
I've only got
between $18 and $20.
Oh, then you have $5.
No, I have between $18 and $20.
I have $2.
Oh, no.
I couldn't sell it for $2.
Well, look at the leather
and look at the gold letters
and everything.
Well, all right.
Then we can't do any
business, that's all.
I mean, it's a--
Well, now, look.
Maybe we can.
Supposing you take
it without the cover.
Would that help?
Without the cover?
Yes.
Well, I don't know.
You see, I always read
a book before I buy it,
and then I don't buy it.
I mean, that's--
Oh, well, I can
help you out there.
Now look.
You take a page home, and
if you like it, come back
and we'll do business.
Is that really a good book?
Oh, the finish is marvelous.
The finish?
Yeah.
Well, what-- what
about the beginning?
Well, I don't know.
I'm not up that far.
You're not up that far.
No.
Hey.
Your bill is $4.
$4?
Well, just a minute.
I'll pay and get rid of you.
Look, I don't want to leave
without buying something.
I'll give you $1 for the book.
Well, yeah, all right.
I'll take $1.
All right, fine.
I've got $1 here.
I'll-- just hold this
a minute, will you?
I'm sure I have $1.
Oh, there it is.
There it is.
No, no.
That's a five.
That's a five.
Well, that's all right.
You give me $4 change.
And you keep a dollar and
and I'll give you the four.
All right.
All right.
Now just a minute.
Now just give me four.
That's it.
That's $1 for the book, and
four for me, and four to you.
That evens us up.
And I'm sure I had $1 someplace.
Ooh, ooh, there's the dollar.
There's the dollar.
Now give me back
my five, please.
I found my dollar.
Isn't that lucky?
Yes.
Oh, I should say.
I was lucky to find that.
Thanks very much.
That squares us.
Oops, I think he's been cheated.
You say cheated?
Cheated?
I said cheated?
Oh, I wouldn't cheat anybody.
Far be me from it.
I couldn't cheat anyone--
Now just a minute.
We had that same
trouble over there.
It isn't far-- it's far
from it be me to it.
Oh, no, you're wrong.
Say, governor.
You're both wrong.
It's far be it from me.
Look, stick to the cab.
Go, go.
It's far from it--
Far be me from it.
Now just a minute.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Let me-- It's far from--
Just a minute.
Just a minute.
What you mean is,
far from it be me.
Ha!
He's even worse--
Just-- it's far--
he's-- wait a minute.
It's far be it from me, to it--
Just-- just a minute.
It's far from it be it.
Wrong again.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Now just-- please,
just a minute, now.
I don't want to butt in
here, but that expression
is far it from me be.
That's your father.
Yeah, how'd you guess?
I thought so.
It's far from it--
Now listen, I know the
man who invented the--
[INTERPOSING VOICES]