The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It (2010) - full transcript
Follows Andy, who needs to hook up with a hottie, pronto, because he hasn't had sex in... well, forever - and his luck isn't the only thing that's hard. His equally horny teenage roommates also need it superbad, and with the help of their nerdy pal, McAnalovin' and his fake I.D., they may tap more than just a keg.
[ Ppp ]
[ Cpntinues ]
[ Men ]
Bah bah-bah
Bah bah-bah-bah
Bah bah-bah
Bah bah-bah-bah
l want you so bad!
[ Cpntinues ]
[ Giggles ]
Oh, man!
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
[ Moaning ]
[ Giggles ]
- [ Winds Dpwn Rapidly ]
- [ Gasps ]
- Pretty awesome, huh?
- [ Groans ]
Oh, my God!
- Wait! What's the matter?
- Oh, my God!
ls it my split ends?
l can corn-row it!
- [ Echping ] Cprn-rpw it! Cprn-rpw it!
- [ larm Buzzing ]
[ Rpck ]
[ Man ]
Get up
'Cause l been up fpr hpurs
l bet
Tpday
l'm gpnna knpw her
Then again
l am thinking with a boner
Mprning wppd
Gppd mprning
Ypu lppk sp gppd
Mprning wppd
Gppd mprning
Ypu lppk sp gppd
Mprning wppd
Gppd mprning
Gppd mprning, wppd
[ Groaning ]
lt's hard
ln dreams l have direction
l awake
- With this erectipn
- [ Grunts ]
My life
Cpmpletes the day l meet her
P.S. l hppe
She likes actipn figures
- Mprning wppd
- Page.
Listen, these bitches specifically
asked us to get them alcohol.
l mean, it's a no-brainer.
We bring booze to the party and we're
getting laid by the hottest chicks in school.
They're D.T.F.- down to fuck!
Mmm! Andy, nice touch
with that sour cream, man.
l didn't use sour cream.
Trust me, you will have your D. l.H.E.-
dick in her ear-
T. l.H.A.- toe in her ass-
and my B.O.Y.C.-
balls on your chin.
That just sounds horrible, Jonah.
What? Are you saying you would just
rather have my balls on your chin?
- What are you doing, man?
- Nothing. Hair in your eye.
Look, it doesn't matter.
What's important here is that we
find someone who can get us alcohol...
- [ Dppr Opens ]
- Hey.
Chicka-chicka-yeah!
Look what l picked up
last night! Huh?
- " McAnalovin''?
- Yeah.
- One frickin' name? For realsies?
- What the hell is that?
- lt's a great l.D.
- lt's fuckin' awesome, man!
- Could you get me one?
- Yeah, l can hook you up.
- Nice.
- 'Cause l am McAnalovin.
Yeshiva class of 201 0!
Chicka-chicka-yeah!
Fake l.D. ! Fake l.D. !
Keep it dpwn, bitches!
Look, normally l wouldn't give a shit...
but my cousin said that there's some
serious side effects with this herb.
l mean seripus.
What's wrong with you?
You're such a pussy.
lt'll be the best shit
you've ever smoked.
They're just telling you it's got side effects
so they can keep it all for themselves.
[ Chuckling ]
All right, then you smoke some.
Not interested.
l'm on a diet.
[ Laughing ]
l'll tell you what.
You smoke this shit for one week straight,
and l'll pay your rent for six months.
- Serious?
- Uh, yeah.
- You're on, bee-yatch!
- You know how l know you're gay?
- How?
- Uh, you just called me " bee-yatch.''
- You know how l know you're gay?
- How?
- You have a dildo stuck in your ass.
- What?
- Yeah. Check it put.
- [ Groans ]
- [ Groans ]
- [ Pops ]
Oh, there you are, Fernando.
Hey, this smells like curry.
- Check one. Check two.
- [ Feedback ]
Ohh! Oh, my God, this microphone
smells like Jimmy's balls!
[ Female Cpmic Giggling ]
- Hey, Manuel.
- No, that's mean.
Excuse me. l so badly
want to do stand-up comedy.
l'd do anything for somebody
to teach me how.
You know, l'm actually probably
not the person to ask...
'cause l'm npt very seaspned.
But there are several cpmics here
that ypu cpuld ask.
Oh, no, you don't.
There are a number of people here
who could actually help you.
Excuse me for a minute, young lady.
Then she got pregnant. Um-
- Biscuit, what the hell's the matter with you?
- What?
She wants your ass, and you're
standing there with your dick in your hand!
Give me a break. She doesn't want me.
That's just stupid.
Come on, Biscuit.
Trust me!
Take it from a man
who's been around.
l may have
the Benjamin Button disease...
but l've had experience with women
since childbirth.
Three days ago- bam!
Okay, thank you very much for sharing,
but believe me, she doesn't want me.
Okay?
You are a lost cause, my brother.
Well, Blaqguy,
l'm not like you. Okay?
l'm not some wizard at reading women.
l don't know how to do this.
t least ypu're nprmal.
l'm a 25-year-pld
in an 85-year-pld bpdy.
Do you know
what that shit's like? Huh?
[ Gagging, Spitting ]
This time last year l was in lpve...
with the best fart my gay uncle laid.
[ Giggling ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Groans ]
Oh, dude, last night
l was fuckin' this chick.
We were in the middle of fucking, and l-
[ Chuckling ]
And we're getting all sweaty...
and then l realize
it's not sweat- it's pee.
- [ ll Laughing ]
- This bitch peed all over me!
[ Laughing ]
l know that laugh.
That's a virgin's laugh.
What? What are you talking about?
lt all makes sense now!
- Andy's a virgin!
- You're a fucking virgin?
No, l'm not!
My man is not a virgin!
lt's impossible!
Oh, yeah? Well, then why
is he wearing this shirt?
That's a jpke!
lt's just a jpke, a stupid shirt.
That's all!
l'm not a-
They're just shirts!
l'm not a virgin!
Then what is this shit, my friend?
Oh, let's beat
his fuckin' virgin ass!
- We should have sex with your ass!
- [ Others Shouting ]
Guys, come on, calm down.
Give him a break, all right? lt's Andy.
You gotta get a set of nuts, bro.
You gotta get out there
and experience life.
Be aggressive.
Do what you want with them.
lf they say, " No, stop, not in there,
you're hurting me''...
you do it anyway.
No means yes.
How does anyone
stay a fucking virgin all these years?
l mean, there are shaved middle-schoolers
having sex on the lnternet right now.
[ Mouthing Words ]
What the fuck?
Uh, not- not that l know that
from... experience.
l mean, that's what l heard...
from people that... l met...
on the lnternet.
Uh-
l'm the Green Hornet.
- [ Relieved Gasps ]
- Yeah.
l just don't get it, Biscuit.
How in the hell could you go 40 years
and not have sex?
l don't know.
l just kinda stopped trying.
That's okay, man. That's what
Simonizing your disco stick is for.
- What?
- You know. Buttering your peppercorn.
Skinnin' your smoke wagon.
Fillin' the sock with
something other than your foot.
Oh. Okay.
You mean masturbation.
l don't know what all that shit means, man.
l'm talkin' 'bout whackin' off.
- Yeah, well, l've never done that.
- You what?
You've never busted a nut?
So you got 40 years of creamer
all built up in there?
- Yeah.
- Damn!
l know. And the worst part is,
l just feel so left out.
l feel like everybody's
having sex but me.
Ah, no pressure, Biscuit.
Not everybody's sexin' it up.
Oh, yeah?
What do you call that?
[ Moaning ]
l say sex is not sex
without penetration.
Oh, my God.
What is that?
- [ Both Groaning ]
- My hip!
Damn!
That's some nasty shit, Ma!
[ Groaning Continues ]
[ Sighs ]
Sweet mother of Mary.
Me likey.
Me likey a lot!
Walk slower.
Damn! God!
She was so pretty.
Oh.
See, that's just my luck, Blaqguy.
Hp-hp-hp-hp!
Lppk, lppk, lppk, man!
She's pkay!
That's all you, dog!
[ Groaning ]
No! Damn it! Those gangs!
Maybe not.
[ Chuckling ]
Wait, wait, wait!
She's so resilient.
She's so full of... verve and vigor.
Mm-hmm.
- [ Woman Screaming ]
- [ Blaqguy ] Oh, np!
- Man!
- Those guys are such assholes!
Damn, Biscuit, ypu do
have spme bad sex karma.
We gon' have to change your whole vibe,
startin' with that fur carpet.
All right, just ask yourself,
what's your "why factor''?
- My "why factor''?
- Yeah, you valet
attendant-looking motherfucker!
Why are you buying alcohol illegally?
Because you get some pussy
in exchange for it.
- ls this really what this is all about?
- Of course!
- That is, unless-
- What are you doing, man?
Nothing. Just a little mustard
on your face.
Look, guys, we get alcohol,
we'll be sac-deep by midnight.
So, McAnalovin, get your fuckin' ass
in there and get us our "why factor.''
- Give me that fuckin' vest, you faggot!
- The vest?
Yeah, take it off, dickhead.
Looks like you're parking cars at Morton's.
Makes me look older,
you fucking gay Garth Brooks!
l'm gonna fucking kill you! Give me that
fucking vest and get the fuck in there!
Fuckin' hate him.
- lt'll be fine.
- Better fucking work.
- lt'll work. lt's fine.
- Fucking asshole.
- [ Bell Dings ]
- [ Loud Slurping ]
[ Dppr Clpses ]
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Heartbeat ]
[ Whispers ]
So many things-
- Oh, my God.
- [ Heartbeat Speeds Up ]
Mmm. Okay.
Can you hear me now?
- Good!
- [ Exhales ]
Okay, don't draw attention
to yourself.
Oh!
Okay-
Oh, shit!
[ Groaning ]
Under age! Go!
Go home to your mother! Go!
Next, next. l.D. l.D. !
Come on!
Ah! Out of state.
No good here. Next!
Come on, come on, come on!
- l.D.
- [ Chuckles ]
That's very flattering, young man...
but l was born in the year 1 930.
Yes, l can see that you are old
by your leathery hands...
- and your breasts that sag to your "WUPA.''
- What's a "WUPA''?
Wrinkled Upper-Pussy Area.
No l.D., no alcohol.
- [ Gasps ]
- Next!
[ Sighs ]
These crazy motherfuckers.
l'm gping pn break.
l.D.
Let's go.
This isn't vacation.
[ Sniffing, Clicking Tongue ]
[ High-pitched Ululating ]
McAnalovin.
What kind of bitch-ass name
is this?
- H-How'd you read it?
- Show me your nipples!
- What?
- Nipples.
Bitch tits. Little pinks.
Lemme see 'em.
- My nipples?
- Yes. Please. Do l s-s-stutter?
Huh? Eh?
- All right. Supple and taut.
- Ow!
l'd say 1 5, maybe 1 6 at the most.
What?
No way! That's crazy!
Don't fuck with me.
Damn, Biscuit!
What are you wearing, a fur coat, dog?
Oh, no. My-
My father's from the Balkans.
They're hairy.
Don't waste your high on that weak shit, bro.
Your cousin's shit is the bomb.
Really?
Ypu dpn't feel any side effects?
Not a one, my friend.
l told you that was pure bullshit.
You realize you have tits, right?
Yee! New experience.
[ Chuckles ]
- Hyah!
- [ Yells ] Chinese bitch!
lndian girl. Jew. Black.
Okay, but you're
one hairy motherfucker!
Even your hair is growing hair.
Yeah, l need tp use
the extra-sticky flak jacket. Okay?
You ready?
This seems like a lot of glue.
ls this gonna hurt?
She's a professional.
lt's not gonna hurt, right?
Yes, of course it's going to hurt,
you stupid idiot.
- Oh, God.
- You be a man, okay? Don't be a pussy.
Okay? You ready?
A-one, a-two!
- Get set!
- No, no, please!
lt doesn't... hurt that much.
Dude, if those are your nipples,
l'm gonna pass out.
[ Speaking Chinese ]
Of course they his nipple! What you think?
Look. They all on the wall.
l got a collection over there. You see?
- Shit.
- [ Groans ]
[ Disgusted Groan ]
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy!
- How does it make me a pussy if l'm not gay?
- Dpmp arigatp, bitches!
l really appreciate you guys
giving me a lift and everything...
but l think l can walk from here.
Man, it's the least we could do, considering
what Helen Keller did to your ass back there.
Yeah, that was totally
uncalled for, l know.
" McAnalovin''?
What the fuck type of name is that?
lrish... gay... porn?
How y'all expect to get anywhere looking
like that? We need to take you shopping.
Get you some thangs,
some clothes, some style.
- Alcohol, maybe?
- Absolutely. And how do you get that?
- My l.D.?
- No, motherfucker. Money!
- All right? Now, how you get money?
- Uh, work?
- That's crazy talk, son.
- That shit is crazy, dpg.
That's what's wrpng
with the ypung pepple, Yp ss.
- They all wanna do homework
and be responsible.
- Hey!
- Oh, my-
- They all wanna grow up-
Whatever happened tp
drpppin'put pf high schppl...
get a bitch pregnant,
start a music career?
Preach, nigga, preach!
[ Chuckling ]
- Hey.
- [ Screaming ]
Well, McAnalovin...
this is America and we 'bout to
bring things back to the good old days.
Beat and Yo Ass about to get you some money
the old-fashioned way, homeboy.
- What?
- We gon' steal it.
Hold on, white boy.
- Ah, yeah!
- [ Chuckling ]
ls that a life meter?
Yep, and it's green.
When it turns red, your ass is dead.
- [ Laughing ]
- Put this shit on.
We fixin' to go G.T.A. up in this bitch.
- Whoo!
- Oh, shit!
- Oh.
- Let's go shoppin'.
[ Groans ]
[ Grunts ]
Fascists!
[ Woman Groaning ]
[ Whimpering ]
Hey, what-
- What? Huh?
- [ Groaning ]
Asshole!
Hey, my man!
Oranges!
Naranjas.
Dps d?lares.
- What'd you just do?
- Oh, no, he didn't!
What? l got
the cash money, dude!
- Did you just rob a Mexican?
Are you kidding me?
- What?
Do you know what happens
when you rob a Mexican in this game?
Dog, when you rob a white guy,
you get the money.
When you rob a black guy, he'll chase
after your ass the whole dang game.
But if you rob a Mexican, dog, you get the
entire Latin community after your dumb ass!
Every ese, muchachp, ninp,
Menudo, Santana and Rob Thomas...
the motherfuckers from the catering truck,
they gon' all try to kill us!
Bring your ass over here!
[ Whimpering ]
Go, go, go, go, go!
We gon' find your ass
a woman tpday.
Ow! Careful. l'm sore.
How do they look?
You look like Hannibal Nipples.
- Right this way.
- [ Laughs ] Got 'im.
- [ Buzzer Buzzes ]
- Ypu shpuld like swimming
and apple picking and-
l like a really large man, but he's gotta
shoot blanks. You know what l'm sayin'?
- Bla-
- [ Child ] Mpmmy, l'm thirsty!
Hey! Mommy's trying to get
some penis right now. Suck it up.
l love my kids.
[ lmitates Farting ]
We'll keep it simple.
He'll toss your salad
while l give you the reach-around.
Okay?
No, l'm-
So, yeah, l like sitting in saunas...
being in bathhouses,
playing racquetball.
l like, uh...
camping, pitching tents-
- She's not the one.
- What?
She's a knockout.
What are you talking about?
Tall, big head, masculine jaw.
- Something's not right.
- What's not right?
- Motherfucker, look at her hands.
- What's wrong with her hands?
l'm pretty picky.
You know?
- That ruins everything.
- Mmm.
[ Officer Beat ] Ypu ain't tasted Mexican
until ypu taste this shit, white bpy.
[ Officer Yo Ass ]
Shit's the bomb, dog.
- Ahh. There we go.
- Yeah!
- Why is there an " F'' in the window?
-" F''?
- Man, that's a " B.''
- Stupid motherfucker.
You think l would take you
somewhere if it was an " F''?
We got three ass-piss burritos,
one crap splatter enchilada-
- That's mine. That's mine.
- We got it all!
- /Gracias, hpmbre!
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Car Hprn.. ''La Cucaracha'']
- Oh, shit.
- [ Continues ]
- [ Shouting ]
- l told you this was gonna happen! Look!
- Oh, shit!
- Here cpme the gangbangers!
- There they are! Hey!
Has anybody
been to the zoo lately?
[ Micrpphpne Feedback ]
l went to the zoo
and, uh, l w-w-
walked up to
the penguin cage...
and, um, l was, like, l wonder if the other
animals are looking at them going...
" God, l'm glad l'm me.''
Because they, uh, you know-
lt's like, l wonder what l did in my past life
to be reborn a legless, flightless bird...
in the middle of the North Pole-
South Pole.
Sorry. Um-
[ Man #1 ]
Clpse!
- Uh-
- [ Man #2 ] Npbpdy cares, buddy.
[ Clears Throat ]
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
l will attempt to make comedy applesauce.
[ Groaning, Murmuring ]
l'm sorry if l hit you.
Thank you very much.
You've been a great audience.
[ Man #3 ]
Ypu suck!
Hey, give it up for Andy, huh?
He was great!
- Hey there.
- Hi.
Oh! Hi! You're from the other night,
crossing the street!
- Yeah, that would be me.
- How are you? How's your neck?
- lt's fine.
- Yeah? Bludgeoned head?
- Better.
- Stab wounds?
- Healing.
- And that mangled leg?
Actually, it's better than before.
l can do this now.
- [ Pops ]
- Oh! Oh, l'm- l'm sorry.
l know it's not a good color match.
They only had white or black.
l chose white.
Does that make me racist?
- No, absolutely-
- Thanks!
- You were really funny up there.
- Oh, please.
- You were hilarious.
l was laughing on the inside.
- Thank you very much.
Okay, well, l just-
Good job!
- Do you wanna go out sometime?
- l'd love to. Tonight?
Tonight? Yeah.
- Sure. Absolutely.
- Great. Maybe we'll have some sex after.
Excuse me?
What?
l mean- What- What-
You said- What did you-
- l didn't say anything.
- Okay.
So send me your e-mail address. l can
tell you where l live and you can pick me up.
Maybe you should text me, then l'll
call you and you can text me your address.
ls there an app for that? lf not, why don't l
just Twitter you my Facebook page...
and then you can wall-to-wall me your number,
l'll call and leave my address on your voice mail.
lt might be better if l l. M. you
my MySpace page, then you can
leave me your address there...
l'll blog my cell phone on it, you can call me
when l give you my T-Mobile rollover minutes...
put you on my fave five- that way
you can give it to me live over the phone.
- You'd put me in your fave five?
- Oh, yeah. Sure.
- [ Phpne Ringing ]
- Oh, excuse me one second.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
Hello?
Oh, hi.
Yes. Yes, l am. Of course.
That's great news. Yeah, l will.
Thank you!
Okay, bye.
[ Screams, Laughs ]
l applied for this job in Hawaii six months ago,
and l just found out l got it!
- Oh, my God! That's great!
- l'm so excited!
- But l have to leave tonight.
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
- Oh. Okay.
- l'm sorry about dinner and sex.
- Listen, work is work.
Thank you for understanding.
Yeah, sure.
No problem.
- Oh! Okay.
- Congratulations. That's great.
- Okay, bye! Give me a hug.
- Okay.
Um, oh, my God.
You forgot your, um, leg.
How do you not have an address?
This is your freakin' contact.
Stop riding me. That dipshit fucked me up
with the whole getting arrested thing.
We'll find it. No worries.
- [ Car Hprn.. ''La Cucaracha'']
- Wait!
What the hell is that?
Sounds like " La Cucaracha.''
[ Whppping, Shputing ln Spanish ]
- Holy fucking shit!
- Let's get the fuck outta here!
Oh, shit!
Rob Thomas?
- [ Shouting Continues ]
- [ Tires Screech ]
- Get in the car.
- What?
Get in the car!
Okay.
- [ Car Dppr Clpses ]
- [ Subdued Growling ]
- [ Rparing ]
- [ Chattering ln Spanish ]
[ Engine Starts ]
This shit happens
all the time, man!
Girls just be dpin'that shit,
and it's fucked up!
Oh, yeah, dude.
That shit doesn't even matter. All right?
'Cause tonight you're gonna fuckin'
lay down the hammer, fucker.
l don't know what that means
and it's not helpful.
l just wanna meet somebody for once
who's down to earth and a normal person.
[ Crying ]
What they have is special.
Can l call you Noah?
What is wrong with you?
You're turning into
a real, certified bitch!
Now you cryin'
over The Nptebppk?
Got these things right here.
- Ow.
- These... tits.
Damn, those feel kinda-
those feel kinda good.
Okay, you know what?
You guys are disgusting.
l'm going to get a Shirley Temple.
- [ Both ] Hi!
- You're cute.
- What's your name?
- l'm Andy. Hi.
Well, Andy, every Thursday night
my sister and l pick someone
from the bar to have sex with.
And tonight we choose you!
[ Both ]
Congratulations!
- You like a m?nage a trois, Andy?
- Five pr six times a night?
How about double Dutch expressways?
You enjoy those?
- Jelly doughnut?
- Ukrainian popcorn?
Mouth fucking?
Would you excuse me a second,
or a moment, if you don't mind?
[ Together ]
Think about it!
Um, excuse me.
- [ Chattering ]
- Excuse me?
Excuse me.
[ Sighs ]
[ Thinking ]
Why can't l be the center of attention?
[ Whooping, Cheering ]
[ Man ] He pnce had sex
with a 345-ppund wpman...
just tp help her
get spme exercise.
His craps smell like
a 40-day aged bpne-in rib eye.
He's sp secure
with his masculinity...
that he dpesn't mind
urinal peekers.
He is the mpst interesting man
in the wprld.
l don't always fuck fat bitches...
but when l do l prefer
to be plastered on- [ Bleeps ]
Stay thirsty, my friends.
Can l help ypu?
Hey.
- Can l help you?
- Huh?
- To drink. What do you want to drink?
- Sprry.
[ Together ]
May l have a Shirley Temple, please?
That's my favorite drink.
Mine too.
This is fate.
l think so.
l'm Sarah.
Oh! Sorry.
l'm Andy.
- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Farting ]
- Sorry.
- [ Farts ]
- That was-
- Cute?
- Yeah. Loud.
- [ Sniffs ]
So, MTZ, the paparazzi show?
Yeah, l've been working there for two years
and just got my promotion today.
- That's so cool. Congratulations.
- Oh, thank ypu!
- l'm sp excited!
- That's really neat.
Hey-hey-hey!
Compliments of the boys!
You know, actually,
l don't drink.
l sipped spme wine pnce,
but that was it.
- Oh, that's fine.
- No.
Come on, girl.
One shot ain't gonna hurt you.
l will if you do.
- Okay!
- Okay. Cheers.
Oh! That was horrible.
Oh! My bad, girl. That was my
genetic sample. Here, try this one.
l'm not sure if l liked that one.
Can l try another one?
Um, you kn- you know what?
That's a lpt pf bppze...
tp have... quickly.
Whoo!
- [ Rpck ]
- [ Chanting ] Sarah! Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!
- [ Cheering ]
- Yeah!
Drunk girl
Gettin'up her fun npw
lt's cppl
ll pf her friends arpund
Drunk girl, drunk girl
Drunk girl
Oh, my Gpd, embarrassing
Np way
This is npt happening
Drunk girl, drunk girl
Drunk girl
The time is npw
Ypu say dpn't stpp
That ypu're super lpud
Drunk girl
Can't believe the things l did
- [ Cpntinues ]
- Um, do you think that you should be driving?
Oh, l can't help it.
- My vagina has a mind of its own.
- Oh.
Oh, my Gpd.
Okay, yep. That's weird.
l like ypu, ndy.
- l like you too.
- l like you a lot.
Okay, we should maybe-
Let's-
Okay, no, that's, um-
We have to get you some-
Oh, that could have
done the trick.
- l'm gonna go down on you now. Okay?
- What? l don't think that's-
- [ Vpmiting ]
- Oh, God, no! Please!
Oh, my God,
that's so warm.
Oh, my God,
l am, like, so sorry-
[ Screaming ]
No! No! No, please!
[ Andy Laughing Nervously ]
Andy! Andy!
Aah! Aah!
l'm right here!
- l'm here!
- Oh, God. Thank goodness.
l thought that l lost you.
Can you stop throwing up, please?
l'm not a very strong swimmer.
l think that l'm done.
Oh, l just peed.
lt's so warm.
Oh, my God.
Do you want to come in?
- Oh, l'd like that.
- Okay.
[ Thunder Rumbling ]
Everyone, meet Michael.
We're glad you're here,
Michael.
We need an umpire.
What am l gonna be
an umpire for?
- Edward, you didn't tell him?
- l was getting to that.
Let's just say it's something
we can only play during thunderstorms.
Okay.
What is it?
We're all lactose intolerant.
[ Farts ]
Sorry.
[ Panting, Gasping ]
- Hey there.
- Holy shit! You scared me.
My apologies.
Are you okay?
l'm sorry. l was being chased
by a bunch of Mexicans for no reason.
All l'm trying to do is get some alcohol so l
can have sex with the hottest chick in school.
l think l can help you out.
- Really?
- Yeah. You see that house over there?
They're practically
giving away free booze!
- Just ask for Lisa.
- Seriously?
lf l'm lyin', l'm dyin'.
Here, take this bag.
Never want to go to a party
empty-handed.
Cookies?
And condoms?
You can never have enough
of either, right?
- Agreed.
- Now go get your alcohol.
Thanks, man.
You're an awesome dude.
Yes, l am.
Yes, l am.
[ Knpcking ]
Hello?
ls anyone home?
[ Wpman ]
Cpme pn in. l made ypu a drink.
Just help ypurself.
Cool! Thanks!
- Sweet!
- Hey there.
Oh. Hey, bro.
Dude, aren't you that guy from the show
that catches the molesters?
- That would be me.
- That shpw's sp fuckin'awespme!
You're great on that!
Remember that one with the priest and
he was trying to weasel his way out of it...
but ypu ended up nailing him with
the e-mails frpm the underage girls.
Once he hightailed it and hit the front yard,
he got hit by Shawne Merriman-looking cops.
- l do.
- That was so fuckin' awesome!
What are you doing here?
ls this your house?
Uh, no. l'm actually
taping the show.
Really? Here?
That's awesome. Can l watch?
- lt looks like you already are.
- What?
What's in the bag?
What? Just the stuff you gave me.
Just... cookies and condoms.
- l didn't give you anything.
- Huh?
What did you think was gonna happen
by coming over here tonight?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
l'm not a molester.
The only reason l'm here is because
you told me there'd be alcohol here.
- You said to ask for Lisa!
- Really?
So you had no intention of having sex
with an underage minor.
Wha- No! l-l-l don't know
what you're talking about!
So you don't remember saying this?
What? Cor- No! l'm allergic to
chocolate chips, for Christ's sakes!
And l don't even like
real maple syrup.
l don't know what's going on.
- You could make things easier
if you'd just tell us the truth.
- l am telling the truth.
l don't know who this girl is.
l'm just trying to get alcohol so l can
have sex with the hottest girl in school.
- Really?
- That's all!
Oh, fuck.
Hold on. Wait.
l wanna talk to you. Sir?
- What am l gonna do? [ Screams ]
- [ Sirens Wailing ]
[ Screaming, Whimpering ]
l'm not a molester,
you fucking dickhead!
- [ lnhales, Exhales ]
- Here we go.
- Mm-hmm. [ Humming ]
- Get a little of this debris...
off your face.
Why are you being
so nice to me? Hmm?
l don't know.
l guess 'cause you're letting me.
[ Moans ]
Okay. No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
- You gotta drink some of that.
- Oh, l want you.
Not working.
Ahh!
Ahh. Ohh.
Aaah!
Yeah, that's it.
Let that sit on your tongue for a second.
That's just an antibacterial.
Okay.
l'm gonna slip into
something more comfortable.
- Okay? l'll meet you in the bedroom.
- Okay.
Okay.
[ Chuckles ]
Ohh! No!
- [ Flushing ]
- No! Oh, my God.
- [ Spraying ]
- [ Groaning ]
[ Shouting ]
You wanna lay down some pipe, bitch?
Um, can you just-
Could you give me a minute? l'll be-
Pussy!
Oh, yeah! Oww! Oh! Oh, yeah!
[ Grpaning ]
Okay. Oh, Jesus-
- Okay. Hey.
- Hey. Hey.
- Sorry.
- l was just screwing this warm pie right here.
- l heard it feels like the real thing.
- That's cool.
- You know, 1 6's a real horny age, man.
- Yes- [ Sighs ]
- So, uh, what- what you doin'?
- Whoa.
Nothing. l-
l'm sorry to interrupt you.
Sarah's in the other room. She's tied to the bed.
She wants to have sex with me.
- Oh, shit!
- l don't know what to do.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
My man!
This is the big moment!
- lt's about to go down!
- You inconsiderate pricks.
Will you please keep it down?
l have such a massive headache.
Sorry, brother.
lt's just, you know, so exciting.
Our boy's about to get laid!
- Yeah.
- Brother, you bleedin'?
What-
Oh! There are
side effects to this weed!
Damn!
Anyone have an extra tampon?
- Preferably super-wide?
- No.
[ Grunts ]
You need to get your ass back in there
before she passes out.
- l know. But what if l do it wrong?
- Do it wrong?
All you doin' is stickin' your dick
in her coochie!
There's no wrong way
of doing that!
Well, there was this one time
l stuck my thing in Naomi Turner's cat.
lt was dark in there,
we was huddled up in a twin bed...
and the cat just snuck up
in between the sheets.
lt just felt like-
Hey! You know? Uhh!
- We all's the Lord's creatures, right?
- Yes.
Man, just get your white ass
in there and get to fuckin'!
- Get to fuckin'!
- Let's dp spme fucking.
- Just do some fuckin'!
- lt can't be that hard. Everybody does it.
- Okay, l'm gonna do some fucking!
- Fuck-Fuckin'!
l can't.
l can't, l can't.
l can't do it.
l can't do some fuckin'.
l'm- l don't know
what's wrong with me.
l'm 40, and l'm-
l'm- l'm never gonna be with a woman.
l'm just not.
Not with that sniveling attitude,
you won't!
- Seth, what are you doing?
- Shut up!
l'm going out.
Out to get a milk shake.
A milk shake?
Yes, boy!
You see, l...
have a milk shake...
and you have a milk shake.
But l have a straw.
You see? Huh?
There it is. Watching!
My straw reaches...
across the room...
and into your milk shake.
[ lmitates Slurping ]
l don't understand what you're doing.
- Okay, if you're doing a metaphor,
l don't really-
- [ Slurping Continues ]
My milk shake...
brings all the boys...
to the yard.
Damn right it's better than yours!
Damn right.
l drink your milk shake!
l drink it up!
l don't even know what that means.
That's so weird.
No one wants a virgin boy, Andy.
Hey! Don't- What are you- What are you-
Don't do that! Calm down!
l will npt calm down!
- l will not calm down!
- Stop it! Seth, stop it!
Stop it!
Just stop it.
Dude, l'm so sorry, man.
l'm so fuckin' high right now.
Uh, look, look.
You got an ocean
of cum under there, all right?
The only person that's gonna
be able to get to it is you...
and you gotta use
your cock to do that.
- Okay, l get it. Please don't, you know-
- Okay?
- You can do it.
- l know. l feel like l can do it-
- No, you can do it!
- l feel like l can do it. l just need to do it.
- Then go do it already!
- My mind is changing,
and l can do this, can't l?
- Yes, you can do this!
- l know l can! You know what?
l am sick-
[ Grunting ]
l'm naked!
Wow, he is beautiful.
- [ Rattling ]
- [ Sarah Mpans ]
- Oh, Andy, you're so good!
- Bang that shit up!
- [ Whispers ] What the fuck are you doing?
- Oh, ndy, ypu're sp gppd!
- Get off of her!
- [ Screaming ] Andy! Oh!
- Get off of her.
- Don't stop! Oh!
Oh, yeah!
- Get off!
- More! More!
[ Whimpers ]
Where'd you go?
[ Both Grunting ]
- Son of a bitch!
- Get off!
[ Farting ]
- What are you doing, baby?
- [ Grunting Continues ]
- [ Grunts ]
- Yeah.
- Oh, l like that sound.
- [ Grunting ]
Oh! l can't breathe!
Ah! You son of a-
Oh, shit.
Oh, that burrito definitely was the meat.
[ Grunts ]
l'm crowning. Oh, my God. Guys, we gotta
pull over here. l don't feel too good.
[ Gurgling Sounds ]
- Guys?
- [ Snoring ]
You fucking assholes!
Pull this shit over before l shit all over
your fucking Corinthian leather!
- [ Grunts, Panting ] Oh, shit! Look out!
- [ Snorts ]
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Tires Screeching ]
[ All Screaming ]
[ Bleating ]
[ Screaming Dies Down, All Panting ]
Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
Uh- This won't take long.
[ Radip Chatter ]
Ah! My God!
What the fuck!
What the f-
ls someone in there?
- Hello! Oh, God!
- [ Gurgling Sounds ]
[ Shouts ]
l'm gonna shit my fucking pants.
l'm gonna shit my fucking pants.
Oh, my God. What?
Can you hear me now?
Good.
[ Grunts ]
Oh, my God.
[ Grunts ]
Oh, fuck.
What the fuck?
Where's the fucking toilet?
[ Flies Buzzing ]
Oh, my God.
That's disgusting.
Oh, God! l gotta go!
Oh, fuck.
[ Grunting ]
- [ Loud Grunting ]
- [ Splashing ]
- [ Panting, Grunts ] Oh, God. Yeah. Fuck.
- [ Splashing ]
- [ Cell Phpne Rings ]
- Huh?
[ Rings ]
[ Rings ]
- Yo, where are you, white boy?
- l'm almost done.
Listen, it's because of you
these Mexicans are trying to kill us!
- Huh?
- Come on!
What? What the fuck?
[ Men Shputing ]
- What? What the fuck?
- [ Shputing Cpntinues ]
- [ Gunshpts ]
- Oh, my Gpd.
Oh, God.
l don't want to do it! l can't do it!
- [ Gunshpt ]
- [ Shouts ]
Fuck it! Oh, God.
[ Gunshpt ]
- Okay! l'm here. Let's go.
- Well, it's about goddamn time, white boy.
What the fuck is that smell?
- l don't fuckin' know, dude.
- [ Flies Buzzing ]
- Let's go, dude!
- Come on, let's go, Beat.
[ Dpprbell Rings ]
Sarah. Hi!
Hi.
That's it? You don't- You don't
notice anything? [ Chuckling ]
Oh, um-
Did you- You got new flip-flops?
- Uh, not the flip-flops.
- Ankles swollen?
- Higher.
- Oh, you carry a little weight in your knees.
Higher.
Oh, my God. Aha! Of course.
You have an outie.
l never even realized
ypu had an putie.
Not even when you were
bangin' me last night?
Nope? Okay. So, no, l wasn't-
l didn't bang you last night.
Of course you didn't bang me.
You just had your dick pounding my liver
like Floyd Mayweather's punching bag...
and now l'm pregnant!
- Oh, shit. You're pregnant?
- Oh, bingo!
- Give the man a fuckin' prize!
- Be careful with that.
- Give the man a fuckin' prize!
- Be careful with that.
l don't, um- That's-
Yeah, you are. You're very pregnant.
- l'm just wondering
how that happened in a day.
- l'm half Mexican.
Really?
Andy, do you know how hard it is...
to find a guy who can make you feel like
you're getting nailed by five guys?
Mmm. No, l don't-
l don't know how hard that would be...
but that's not my baby.
Oh, God. Of course.
Typical response
from an irresponsible, middle-aged guy...
who lives with a bunch
of sex-crazed teenagers!
Okay. Come on.
My friends are not sex-crazed teenagers.
Okay, yeah. He's cupping
and maybe juggling your breasts a little bit.
Look- Do you mind?
Oh, awkward.
Thank you.
l thought you were
wearing a condom.
No, l wasn't wearing a condom
because l didn't have sex with you.
[ Exhales ]
lf you don't accept this child...
l am gonna go
so Flint, Michigan on you...
that you are gonna go into
a deep economic depression...
caused by the demise
of the auto industry.
Then some fat guy's
gonna do a documentary on you!
l don't understand what that means.
lf that doesn't work-
[ Scoffs ]
then this baby is gonna suffer!
- lt's just a baby, so- Don't smoke that.
- May cause severe birth defects.
That's very 1 970s.
Don't do that, please.
- Still not your baby?
- No, that's-
- Wanna go for underdeveloped lung capacity?
- l don't want to go for that.
lt's illegal also, so please don't-
Okay. l knpw ypu're upset,
sp please dpn't drink that...
because that's how you
make a baby homeless and- Oh!
- [ Exhales ]
- [ Child ] Mpmmy, Mpmmy! Np, Mpmmy!
We're done, Andy.
lt's over, jerk-off.
Sarah. Sarah! Come on!
l thought we had something!
l mean, l let you throw up in my mouth!
Oh!
Hey, come on, Biscuit!
You're talkin' 'bout a hood rat.
Hey, she's just for practice,
you know?
You can't get all emotionally involved
all up in that shit.
l don't know, Blaqguy.
l just feel like l need to get out of here...
recharge my batteries,
go on vacation.
But l don't-
l don't know where to go!
[ Man On TV] Sarah Marshall
was fpund canppdling with British
rpck sensatipn ldpus Bright...
in Maui, Hawaii.
The couple seemed very much in love as
they frolicked about without a care in the world.
What's warm this time of year?
Maui, which is a favprite
hpt sppt fpr many celebrities...
seems to be the place of choice
for Aldous...
as we've seen him with multiple love interests
just in the past few months.
- Maybe Australia?
- [ Man On TV] Maui-
- No, that's too far.
- is one of the warmest
and closest of the tropic getaways.
- How 'bout Mexico?
- Fuck face, are you deaf?
Your whore is here in Maui
with another guy.
l have frequent flyer miles,
but l- l don't know.
Hey, asshple! Np wpnder ypu're a virgin.
Ypu're a fucking retard.
- Turn the TVup.
- Hey, you know what? How 'bout Maui?
Oh, ha, ha!
Hey, Maui. Good call.
You'd be so far removed from anything
Sarah, you'll get over her ass in no time.
Yeah. Yeah.
Don't move, you sick fuck.
[ Maniacal Laughing ]
Where am l supposed to go,
you fucking dickheads?
[ Laughing ]
Hey, Mandy,
quit takin' up all the drugs.
- Yeah.
- [ Angry Shouting ]
What the fuck?
Holy shit!
McAnalovin!
McAnalovin!
McAnalovin!
McAnalovin!
Hpld pn there, bitch.
- Let me in!
- Holy shit!
McAnalovin!
Let me in the fuckin' car!
Dude! Jonah!
- Let him in the car, dude.
- Any friend of yours is one of ours.
- Get on in, fat white boy!
- Hi, baby!
Holy fuckin' shit!
You got fuckin' beer!
- Ypu gpt the fuckin'beer!
- Of course l did. l'm McAnalovin!
- Fuckin'incredible!
- Chicka-chicka-yeah!
And you got fuckin' tits in your car!
Holy fucking shit!
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
- Hi.
- Aloha.
Oh.
Hi. l'm Andy Spitzer.
l'm checking in.
Oh, Mr. Spitzer. Hello!
We have you in one of our econo rooms.
Great. Yeah.
That's $50 a night?
Fifty dollars.
Of course.
Then there's a eight percent state tax,
a seven percent city tax...
a 1 2% airport tax, a 32% stimulus tax
and, of course, the valet fee.
Oh, valet.
No, l didn't drive, so-
- Everyone pays the valet fee.
lt's standard.
- Standard?
The grand total on your room
will come to $485 per night.
Food is extra except
the mint on your pillow at turndown.
$485? That's... ridiculous.
- lt's a very good mint.
- l know. l-l-
l'd like to speak to a manager, please.
- [ Feedback Squeals ]
- Manager to the front desk.
Manager to the front desk.
We have a cheap bitch in line one.
Cheap bitch in line one.
lf he's not a cheap bitch,
he's a broke-ass motherfucker.
Cheap bitch
broke-ass motherfucker in line one!
- Okay. Can you-
- Uh-uh. Piehole, l'm goin' on break.
- Andy?
- Kim.
- What are you doing here?
- l needed a vacation. This is so- Wow.
This is crazy. Well, l work here.
l'm gonna hook you up.
l'm gonna give you
the presidential suite.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
That's so nice of you.
- Under one condition.
- Okay.
You take me on that date
we were supposed to go on last week.
Deal. l'd love to.
Okay. T-Tonight?
- At 8:00 p.m.?
- 8:00 p.m.'s great.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
So, thank you so much.
Bye! l have my leg on.
l didn't forget it this time.
[ Ppunding On Dppr ]
lf you don't open this door, asshole,
l am gonna get the manager...
and have him throw your drunk, lowlife ass
out on the street, you prick!
Sarah?
Oh! My baby daddy.
This is weird.
Um, l came here on vacation...
and my friend gave me this room.
- This is weird.
- lt's not weird at all.
You came here to find me.
That's so romantic.
Np, l didn't cpme-
Np, this is a cpincidence, really.
This is really just a coincidence.
So you're still not gonna
claim your love child?
Baby, what is all the npise?
You're not still mad at me, are you?
Right. l thought you said
no sex till after the baby.
That must be some other lady you're dating,
'cause we are gonna do it right now.
Bye, Andy.
[ Farts ]
[ Grunting ]
Son of a bitch.
He must have a girl over there.
Oh. Take it. Take it!
Take it like a dirty whore!
Oh, yeah!
Give me your man stick!
Oh, take it like a Brit
who hates everything American!
No, l can't, 'cause l
can see the baby moving.
- Yes.
- Don't look.
Oh, yes! Give me
your big limey lizard!
Oh, yeah! Ypu're giving new meaning
tp ''bangers and mash''!
Oh, God! You are so huge!
- Say you love me right now.
- l love you right now.
- Fuckin' louder, bitch.
- l love you right now!
l love you too, Aldous! Of course
we can name the baby after you!
- No. l don't want to name the baby-
- Shut up! Yes, you do!
Get inside me now.
[ Screaming ]
Oh, yes!
- [ Banging ]
- Oh, yes!
Yes, yes! Oh, yes!
Oh, yeah! Yes!
- Something's got a hold of me willy.
- What?
Something's got a hold of me willy!
lt feels like... baby hands.
Oh, good God, Lord!
The baby's got a hold of me wanker!
Shut up! Oh, yeah!
[ Screaming ]
Oh, yes! Like that!
- Yes, yes!
- What did you fuck, the devil?
[ Child ]
Daddy! Daddy! Play!
Oh, good Lord!
Help me, Jesus Christ!
- This woman's got a demon in her sex!
- Oh, yeah!
Oh, God!
[ Gasps ]
Oh, yes!
- This place is really nice.
- Yeah, l love it here.
lt reminds me of a restaurant my uncle
used to take me to when l was a little girl.
He'd always have a scotch.
l hated the taste of it after he kissed me.
- ls that- Uh, is that you?
- Huh?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
You know what?
My ex-boyfriend owns this restaurant.
He took those of me one night
when l was really toasted.
You have- Ex-boy-
You've been here three days.
You already have
an ex-boyfriend. Wow.
Once you start mixing
alcohol and Red Bull...
it's like you're behind the wheel of a car
going 1 00 miles an hour, but nobody's driving.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. That's-
Wpw. Ypu're really flexible.
Oh, yeah. lt's genetic. l come from
a long line of leg spreaders.
Yeah. Because ypu seem tp
really like being naked.
A- Are you judging me, Andy?
ls that what's going on here?
- No. No!
- 'Cause if you are,
l will walk out of here right now.
No, no, no. Kim, l'm not judging you.
Please, l'm not judging you.
You know, l've gotten drunk and
done some pretty wild things myself.
Just drop it, Andy, okay?
Put the photos behind us?
- Yeah. Okay. l'm all for that, yeah.
- Great. Thank you.
- Shall we order?
- Yeah. l'm starving.
ls that a-
ls that a gorilla?
Yeah, Andy.
lt's a gorilla.
- What does it look like, a giraffe? Come on.
- No. Yeah.
[ Giggling ]
- l like you, Andy. l like you a lot.
- l like you too.
The funny thing is that usually l like tp
get really physical with the guys l date.
But with ypu, it's different.
- lt's like l need something more.
- Yeah.
l feel like l'm cpnnecting with ypu
pn such a deeper level.
You're like a brother to me.
Ypu've gpt this asexual vibe
that's sp hpt.
lt's like l cpuld see us married
fpr five years and npt even kissing.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
l really think we should just
go a while without having sex.
Like a lpng, lpng while,
ypu knpw?
- Just take things really slpw.
- Okay.
Ypu knpw what l'm saying, ndy?
'Cause l dpn't think we shpuld
get each pther hpt and bpthered.
l really think we should just let sex
be the furthest thing from our minds.
- Okay.
- l won't tongue your ear...
or rub my natural...
perky breasts
up against ypur chest...
or lick your inner thigh
all the way up to your c-
up to your- to your c-
- My c-
- Yeah.
l really want to say it,
but l feel shy saying the word " cock.''
- l think l know what you mean. Yeah.
- [ Glasses Clinking ]
ls that your cock?
Oh, my God!
- [ Groaning ]
- You're making a weird face right now.
- l am? Really?
- Yeah. [ Laughing ]
lt's funny. You look like a-
like a crazy person.
[ Laughing ]
Oh. Oh!
l had such a good time with you.
Oh, l just- l feel like
we're connected or something.
l feel like you might be
my soul mate.
Ooh!
Take me from behind. Yeah.
Oh. Okay.
Uh, what the hell is that?
What? Oh. Oh, it's my tattoo.
My uncle inked it on me
when l was, like, 1 2.
lt's like a family crest. lt's kind of cool, right?
l never got a full look at it.
- Are you Native American?
- What? No.
l want you inside me right now.
- Please, Andy.
- Okay, okay.
Dpn't dp it, ndy! Dp npt thrpw away
everything that we have built tpgether!
- Who the hell is this?
- Sarah, what are you doing?
Look, l made a mistake, okay?
l never should have let you go.
You're the one
that l want to be with.
l know it,
and our baby knows it.
That is not my baby, okay?
That is not my baby.
l know that this is a lot for you to process,
and that's okay.
Oprah says that all men go through
this first phase of denial with pregnancy...
and we can go through it together.
Hold on a second.
Am l hearing that this is your baby?
- That is not my baby!
- Of course it is. He's my baby's daddy.
l'm not your baby's daddy!
Blaqguy's the baby's daddy.
Leave it up to the man
to put the blame on the coloreds.
l'm not blaming anybody! Blaqguy had
sex with you when you were blindfolded!
Okay, Andy.
l'll humor you, all right?
There's only one way to find this out
for sure. A little help, please!
- [ Crpwd Cheering ]
- [ Band ]
[ Tpilet Flushing ]
- [ Ends ]
- Ladies and gentlemen, Andy claims...
that his roommate diddled Sarah
while she wasn't lookin'.
Ooh!
Sarah claims that this baby
is gpnna cpme put all white and hairy...
just like his daddy Andy.
Aw!
So, to end all of this right now...
we have an amazing new D.N.A. test...
that can determine the father of a child
before the baby is born.
[ udience ]
Oph!
Come here,
you grisly little bastard.
- l am so sick and tired-
- [ Grunting ]
of you deadbeat motherfuckers...
makin' us white guys look bad!
[ Together ]
Oh, shit!
[ Gasping ]
lf it turns blue, ladies,
we've got your baby's daddy.
l'm sorry, son. l may have been
a little too hard on you right there.
You can take a hound to water...
but you can't water a hound.
Sarah, you're a bitch.
- [ udience Cheering, pplauding ]
- [ Band ]
Good night, folks.
l'm Dr. Bill.
- [ Band ]
- He told you, bitch.
Now you look stupid.
Stupid?
Who you callin' stupid, bitch?
- You, trick.
- Trick? You the ho.
l'm the ho?
You the ho with that ho mouth.
Should be eatin' out this peach
with that ho mouth.
Oh, l will eat that peach.
l will eat that peach
until it turns into a prune, bitch.
You think l'm scared of you
turning my peach into a prune?
- Oh, you're not scared of me?
- Nah, l ain't scared of you.
You're not scared
of me suckin' it?
- l'm gonna suck you off like l did my man Andy.
- What you say, bitch?
- You heard me.
- What you say about my man Andy?
- Your man?
- lt's on, bitch.
- [ Bell Clangs ]
- All right. Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Let's get it on!
[ Crpwd Cheering ]
Let me see
what you can do.
[ Grunts ]
- Fucker!
- [ Farting ]
Oh, l think l just farted.
l'm sorry, you guys.
Come on, smelly snatch.
Come on! Come on! Fuckin' do it!
[ Screaming ]
[ Crunches ]
Oh, you did not just fuck
with my best asset.
[ Grunts ]
- [ Wind Whistling ]
- Oh, did it just get cold in here?
- Let's go, bitch.
- You want to go again? You want to go again?
Oh!
[ Screams ]
- Oh.
- This is what l like to call
the " Heather Mills,'' bitch.
[ Unzips ]
Please! Don't.
You know what, Andy?
This is exactly the kind of drama l wanted
to get away from by moving out here.
So who's it gonna be-
me or her?
You're both, like, incredibly
special people, and l-
You know what?
lt's been real, but it's over.
- Kim, please-
- Give me my leg!
[ Sobs ]
Give it to me!
[ Dppr Clpses ]
Hey. You ready
for some of this?
- Aw, shit.
- Pussy!
[ Farts ]
Ypung white pne,
fpllpw me tp the path pf ypur destiny.
What?
Motherfucker, get yo' ass out of
that lounge chair and follow me, bitch.
Damn!
Hi. Who are you?
[ Chuckling ]
The fprce is strpng with this pne.
- Virgin you are.
- Are you-
A virgin? Yes.
1 40 years for me.
Okay. You're 1 40 years old? l doubt that.
Nobody's 1 40 years old.
By npt spilling ypur seed uppn the sand,
many years dp ypu live.
Splooge is the key to life force, it is.
[ Chuckling ]
He's saying if you don't jerk it,
you live longer.
- Really?
- Mmm.
l'm 8 1 myself.
So, wait. l've been doing
the right thing this whole time?
Yes have you.
Um, l'm sorry.
ls that your ball sac?
[ Chuckling ]
Observant you are.
Scrptum very stretchy.
Yes, yes. Very stretchy.
- Yeah.
- At age 41 , your balls will fill up.
The bigger they get,
the more force you'll have.
l don't care about the force.
l don't want big balls.
Behold, the power
of the virgin force.
Oh!
No! This is not what l-
l don't want to be
a virgin anymore!
[ Disgusted Grunt ]
l fear we have lost another one
to the dark side.
Scratch the back of my balls,
will you?
Reach them l cannpt.
- [ Giggling ]
- [ Mutters ] Jesus Christ.
[ Man ]
That's sp hpt. Oh, my Gpd.
Smile pn this pne.
Np, np. Dpn't use ypur teeth.
h, that's-
Hey, hey, hey, fuck snprt!
What are ypu dping with my phptps?
She's my girlfriend,
and these are mine!
And don't call me a snort fuck
or whatever it is you called me.
What a fuckin' hunyak!
You, back at me right now. There we go.
lt just isn't right that a woman
as wonderful as you...
has her shaved... chunch plastered
all over a four-star restaurant.
l know we're not together,
but if we were l wouldn't want
to share your growler with anyone.
Except for maybe the gorilla.
That kind of turned me on.
lt wasn't a gorilla, Andy.
lt was a guy in a fuzzy suit.
Oh. l didn't know that.
Look, l made a mistake back there
by not telling you how l really feel.
l choose you, Kim.
l choose you.
[ Man ]
Npw l knpw
My pne mistake was npt telling ypu
Mempries
Wicked scenes
- l can't escape pr erase frpm the end
- [ Gasps ]
- l'm doomed!
- [ Cpntinues ]
l'm gonna be this old man
with this giant nut sac...
and nobody
to carry it around for me!
- [ Tires Screech ]
- [ Grunts ]
Oh, damn! Oh, my God.
- [ Beeping ]
- Oh, my God.
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Videp Game Bleeping ]
Holy fuck! Oh!
[ Screaming ]
- [ Groaning ]
- [ Kim ] ndy!
- Andy! Oh, my God! Andy, are you okay?
- Yeah.
l'm so sorry l said
all those things to you.
l feel horrible about it.
l'm sorry.
- lt's okay. Listen, Kim.
- Yeah?
There's something
l wanna tell you, okay?
You, too, have hepatitis " B'' and
an incurable case of burning Chlamydia?
- No. What?
- What?
- Oh. l'm sorry.
- Nothing. No. No.
- There's something else, okay?
- Oh.
[ Grunting ]
Look.
l'm a virgin.
Really?
Oh, Andy, that is so refreshing.
l haven't been with a virgin
since l was, like, eight.
- Wait. What?
- Since l was, like, eight.
Oh. Okay.
You know what?
l love you. You got hit by a car,
and you're still standing up.
You're just undefeatable.
[ Groans ]
[ Man ]
ll right, Sarah! Just keep pushing!
Gpt spme crpwning actipn
gping pn pver here.
l can see the head, but the head
can't see me. Here we go!
- l'm gonna take a look.
- No, don't look! Don't look!
Holy Christ!
l shouldn't have looked.
Oh, shit! Get it out!
Get it out!
- Here it comes.
- [ Growling ]
Oh! Oh!
[ Spits ]
Can you hear me now?
No.
What about now?
Good.
- Oh!
- [ Giggles ] l see the head.
- Shit! Ah, cocksucker, motherfucker!
- Push.
- [ Squirting ]
- Oh! [ Laughing ]
Congratulations
on your beautiful baby boy!
You got a playmate now.
Do l even know you?
- We got another one.
- What? Oh, God!
- Here we are. lt's cpming.
- Fuck!
- Oh!
- [ Baby Crying ]
Uh, l'm gonna assume
this one is yours?
Oh, he's beautiful!
[ Screaming ]
- [ Seth ] Hey!
- Here's another one.
Cpme pn. Here it is.
Oh!
[ Baby Crying ]
lt's for you.
Congratulations.
- [ Sarah Screaming ]
- Oh, wow.
[ Seth ]
Hpw many pepple did ypu have sex with?
lt's coming! Here it is.
- [ Gasps ] ls it- ls it-
- [ Crying ]
[ Panting ]
My little rice ball.
Oh. Thank you, Nurse.
[ Man ]
Lpve
- Lpve
- [ Crying ]
[ Vpcalizing ]
[ Crying Continues ]
[ Laughing ]
- Hey, Andy. Congratulations.
- Congratulations.
Tonight you get to do both of us.
But we were just
wpndering pne thing.
- Have you ever had a Turkish log jammer?
- Double clam slam?
- Bolivian skyscraper?
- Sweaty catfish sampler?
Pink glass shower?
[ Together ]
Mouth fucking?
Okay. Get the fuck
out of here!
[ Kim Giggling ]
- [ ndy Mpans ]
- [ Kim Chuckling ]
[ Chuckles ]
Are you ready for this?
Yeah. l-l think so.
l'm gonna make it really easy on you.
l'm gonna do all the work.
Oh. Okay.
- Oh. Oh!
- Wow. [ Chuckles ]
Oh, that feels- That's good.
You're officially
not a virgin anymore.
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, that's really-
That feels good.
That feels, like, really gppd.
- [ Grunting ]
- Why are you making that face?
- w, sprry. l'm sprry.
- That's okay. lt's all right.
- [ Grunting ]
- Just try to look into my eyes.
Okay. Yeah. That's- Ah, there.
There, that hurts.
This hurts. Little bit hurts.
Good though. ln a good way.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Okay. Oh.
- Do it harder.
- [ Babbling ]
[ Babbling Cpntinues ]
You shouldn't move. Something's
going on now. Something's going on.
- [ Screaming ]
- What's happening?
Ah! Get out of me!
Get out!
[ Screaming ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Shouting ]
[ Humming ]
[ Grunting ]
Apparently, the wildfire has
been completely extinguished.
But in related news...
Louisiana is now completely flooded.
A torrential downpour
of an unknown salty liquid...
has filled the area...
breaking the levees once again
in the process.
[ Shouting ]
[ Maniacal Laughing ]
Ha! Aha!
[ Laughing ]
[ East lndian-style Ppp ]
[ Cpntinues ]
She's a ho
[ Operatic Vocalizing ]
She's a hp
- [ Vocalizing Continues ]
- She's a ho
She's a hp
[ Man ] Every night ypu take her put
she starts acting crazy
Freaking every guy in the club
whp wants tp play
She's a hp
She's a hp
Ypu shpuld knpw that ypu can't
turn a hp intp a hpusewife
- She will screw ypu pver
and make a jpke pf ypur life
- She's a hp
She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- [ Falsetto ] She's a ho
Every time she cpmes arpund the guys
ypu get embarrassed
She's a hp and that's a fact
Ypu just may want tp wear this
Her vag is just a factpry
that pumps a lpt pf children
She has sp many pthers
that ypu might just want tp kill them
Uh-uh.
l dpn't think ypu said that.
- She's a hp
- l ain't np hp! Ypu knpw what?
- lt was ypur baby daddy
that did that shit tp me.
- She's a hp
- Fuck ypu! Uh-uh!
- She's a hp
- Fpr real
- She's a hp
- Enchiladas
- She's a hp
- Quesadillas
- She's a hp
nd tacp supreme
She likes the taste pf Matzp balls
curry and sian
Fried chicken, carnitas
and she's intp Caucasians
She's a hp
She's a hp
She blew him, she's pn the mend
Just blpwin'fpr the cameras
Smile sp big while thpse tightened asses
are in slammers
- She's a hp
- Balls pn her chin! She'll tpss ypur salad!
- She's a hp
- She's alsp intp Cleveland steamers!
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
She's a hp
[ Falsettp ]
She's a hp
She's a hp
She's a hp
She's a hp
- hp
- She's a hp
She's a hp
She'll suck ypur friends pff
[ larm Ringing ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Spits ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Rings ]
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
[ Gasps ]
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes, yes!
Yes, yes, you stupid,
lamebrained, relentless...
snot-nosed, dickface,
cocksucker, cock knocker...
motherfucker, yes!
Yes! Now, don't you ever give up?
Don't you have a conscience?
Have you no fucking soul?
You unflinching bastard!
You stupid, relentless, lamebrained...
fucking cocksucker!
Fuck burger,
fucking, fucking fuck burger!
Can you hear me now?
[ Sobbing ]
Yes.
[ Crying ]
Yes!
Yes!
[ Crying, Hpwling ]
Yes!
Yes. Yes.
Everybpdy knpws
ypu're a dpuchebag
Why ypu such a dpuchebag
Frpstin'ypur tips
Shakin'ypur hips
Dressed in drag
Ypu walk arpund
with ypur dick put
Dancin'like a fppl
Lppkin'like a tppl
What a fag
nd when ypu walk arpund
with ypur pink shirt
nd ypur spiky hair
lt makes me want tp
give ypu a wedgie
By pulling pn ypur underwear
Dpuchebag
Everybpdy knpws
ypu're a dpuchebag
Oph, why ypu
such a dpuchebag
Everybpdy knpws
ypu're a dpuchebag
Oph, why ypu such
a cpck smpker
Wearin'Speedps
while ypu swim
Rpckin'spandex at the gym
ll the time
Why ypu shavin'pff
ypur mustache
Grpw spme handlebars
nd maybe ypu'll be a star
l dpn't knpw
Oph, a dpuchebag
Let me hear ypu sing it
Everybpdy knpws
ypu're a dpuchebag
Everybpdy knpws
Everybpdy knpws
Everybpdy knpws
Everybpdy knpws
[ Man ]
Uh.
Just when ypu thpught
it was pver...
we cpme back.
Spme mp'dick fp'ypur ass.
Yeah. Npt a deuce.
[ Ends ]
English - US - SDH
[ Cpntinues ]
[ Men ]
Bah bah-bah
Bah bah-bah-bah
Bah bah-bah
Bah bah-bah-bah
l want you so bad!
[ Cpntinues ]
[ Giggles ]
Oh, man!
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
[ Moaning ]
[ Giggles ]
- [ Winds Dpwn Rapidly ]
- [ Gasps ]
- Pretty awesome, huh?
- [ Groans ]
Oh, my God!
- Wait! What's the matter?
- Oh, my God!
ls it my split ends?
l can corn-row it!
- [ Echping ] Cprn-rpw it! Cprn-rpw it!
- [ larm Buzzing ]
[ Rpck ]
[ Man ]
Get up
'Cause l been up fpr hpurs
l bet
Tpday
l'm gpnna knpw her
Then again
l am thinking with a boner
Mprning wppd
Gppd mprning
Ypu lppk sp gppd
Mprning wppd
Gppd mprning
Ypu lppk sp gppd
Mprning wppd
Gppd mprning
Gppd mprning, wppd
[ Groaning ]
lt's hard
ln dreams l have direction
l awake
- With this erectipn
- [ Grunts ]
My life
Cpmpletes the day l meet her
P.S. l hppe
She likes actipn figures
- Mprning wppd
- Page.
Listen, these bitches specifically
asked us to get them alcohol.
l mean, it's a no-brainer.
We bring booze to the party and we're
getting laid by the hottest chicks in school.
They're D.T.F.- down to fuck!
Mmm! Andy, nice touch
with that sour cream, man.
l didn't use sour cream.
Trust me, you will have your D. l.H.E.-
dick in her ear-
T. l.H.A.- toe in her ass-
and my B.O.Y.C.-
balls on your chin.
That just sounds horrible, Jonah.
What? Are you saying you would just
rather have my balls on your chin?
- What are you doing, man?
- Nothing. Hair in your eye.
Look, it doesn't matter.
What's important here is that we
find someone who can get us alcohol...
- [ Dppr Opens ]
- Hey.
Chicka-chicka-yeah!
Look what l picked up
last night! Huh?
- " McAnalovin''?
- Yeah.
- One frickin' name? For realsies?
- What the hell is that?
- lt's a great l.D.
- lt's fuckin' awesome, man!
- Could you get me one?
- Yeah, l can hook you up.
- Nice.
- 'Cause l am McAnalovin.
Yeshiva class of 201 0!
Chicka-chicka-yeah!
Fake l.D. ! Fake l.D. !
Keep it dpwn, bitches!
Look, normally l wouldn't give a shit...
but my cousin said that there's some
serious side effects with this herb.
l mean seripus.
What's wrong with you?
You're such a pussy.
lt'll be the best shit
you've ever smoked.
They're just telling you it's got side effects
so they can keep it all for themselves.
[ Chuckling ]
All right, then you smoke some.
Not interested.
l'm on a diet.
[ Laughing ]
l'll tell you what.
You smoke this shit for one week straight,
and l'll pay your rent for six months.
- Serious?
- Uh, yeah.
- You're on, bee-yatch!
- You know how l know you're gay?
- How?
- Uh, you just called me " bee-yatch.''
- You know how l know you're gay?
- How?
- You have a dildo stuck in your ass.
- What?
- Yeah. Check it put.
- [ Groans ]
- [ Groans ]
- [ Pops ]
Oh, there you are, Fernando.
Hey, this smells like curry.
- Check one. Check two.
- [ Feedback ]
Ohh! Oh, my God, this microphone
smells like Jimmy's balls!
[ Female Cpmic Giggling ]
- Hey, Manuel.
- No, that's mean.
Excuse me. l so badly
want to do stand-up comedy.
l'd do anything for somebody
to teach me how.
You know, l'm actually probably
not the person to ask...
'cause l'm npt very seaspned.
But there are several cpmics here
that ypu cpuld ask.
Oh, no, you don't.
There are a number of people here
who could actually help you.
Excuse me for a minute, young lady.
Then she got pregnant. Um-
- Biscuit, what the hell's the matter with you?
- What?
She wants your ass, and you're
standing there with your dick in your hand!
Give me a break. She doesn't want me.
That's just stupid.
Come on, Biscuit.
Trust me!
Take it from a man
who's been around.
l may have
the Benjamin Button disease...
but l've had experience with women
since childbirth.
Three days ago- bam!
Okay, thank you very much for sharing,
but believe me, she doesn't want me.
Okay?
You are a lost cause, my brother.
Well, Blaqguy,
l'm not like you. Okay?
l'm not some wizard at reading women.
l don't know how to do this.
t least ypu're nprmal.
l'm a 25-year-pld
in an 85-year-pld bpdy.
Do you know
what that shit's like? Huh?
[ Gagging, Spitting ]
This time last year l was in lpve...
with the best fart my gay uncle laid.
[ Giggling ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Groans ]
Oh, dude, last night
l was fuckin' this chick.
We were in the middle of fucking, and l-
[ Chuckling ]
And we're getting all sweaty...
and then l realize
it's not sweat- it's pee.
- [ ll Laughing ]
- This bitch peed all over me!
[ Laughing ]
l know that laugh.
That's a virgin's laugh.
What? What are you talking about?
lt all makes sense now!
- Andy's a virgin!
- You're a fucking virgin?
No, l'm not!
My man is not a virgin!
lt's impossible!
Oh, yeah? Well, then why
is he wearing this shirt?
That's a jpke!
lt's just a jpke, a stupid shirt.
That's all!
l'm not a-
They're just shirts!
l'm not a virgin!
Then what is this shit, my friend?
Oh, let's beat
his fuckin' virgin ass!
- We should have sex with your ass!
- [ Others Shouting ]
Guys, come on, calm down.
Give him a break, all right? lt's Andy.
You gotta get a set of nuts, bro.
You gotta get out there
and experience life.
Be aggressive.
Do what you want with them.
lf they say, " No, stop, not in there,
you're hurting me''...
you do it anyway.
No means yes.
How does anyone
stay a fucking virgin all these years?
l mean, there are shaved middle-schoolers
having sex on the lnternet right now.
[ Mouthing Words ]
What the fuck?
Uh, not- not that l know that
from... experience.
l mean, that's what l heard...
from people that... l met...
on the lnternet.
Uh-
l'm the Green Hornet.
- [ Relieved Gasps ]
- Yeah.
l just don't get it, Biscuit.
How in the hell could you go 40 years
and not have sex?
l don't know.
l just kinda stopped trying.
That's okay, man. That's what
Simonizing your disco stick is for.
- What?
- You know. Buttering your peppercorn.
Skinnin' your smoke wagon.
Fillin' the sock with
something other than your foot.
Oh. Okay.
You mean masturbation.
l don't know what all that shit means, man.
l'm talkin' 'bout whackin' off.
- Yeah, well, l've never done that.
- You what?
You've never busted a nut?
So you got 40 years of creamer
all built up in there?
- Yeah.
- Damn!
l know. And the worst part is,
l just feel so left out.
l feel like everybody's
having sex but me.
Ah, no pressure, Biscuit.
Not everybody's sexin' it up.
Oh, yeah?
What do you call that?
[ Moaning ]
l say sex is not sex
without penetration.
Oh, my God.
What is that?
- [ Both Groaning ]
- My hip!
Damn!
That's some nasty shit, Ma!
[ Groaning Continues ]
[ Sighs ]
Sweet mother of Mary.
Me likey.
Me likey a lot!
Walk slower.
Damn! God!
She was so pretty.
Oh.
See, that's just my luck, Blaqguy.
Hp-hp-hp-hp!
Lppk, lppk, lppk, man!
She's pkay!
That's all you, dog!
[ Groaning ]
No! Damn it! Those gangs!
Maybe not.
[ Chuckling ]
Wait, wait, wait!
She's so resilient.
She's so full of... verve and vigor.
Mm-hmm.
- [ Woman Screaming ]
- [ Blaqguy ] Oh, np!
- Man!
- Those guys are such assholes!
Damn, Biscuit, ypu do
have spme bad sex karma.
We gon' have to change your whole vibe,
startin' with that fur carpet.
All right, just ask yourself,
what's your "why factor''?
- My "why factor''?
- Yeah, you valet
attendant-looking motherfucker!
Why are you buying alcohol illegally?
Because you get some pussy
in exchange for it.
- ls this really what this is all about?
- Of course!
- That is, unless-
- What are you doing, man?
Nothing. Just a little mustard
on your face.
Look, guys, we get alcohol,
we'll be sac-deep by midnight.
So, McAnalovin, get your fuckin' ass
in there and get us our "why factor.''
- Give me that fuckin' vest, you faggot!
- The vest?
Yeah, take it off, dickhead.
Looks like you're parking cars at Morton's.
Makes me look older,
you fucking gay Garth Brooks!
l'm gonna fucking kill you! Give me that
fucking vest and get the fuck in there!
Fuckin' hate him.
- lt'll be fine.
- Better fucking work.
- lt'll work. lt's fine.
- Fucking asshole.
- [ Bell Dings ]
- [ Loud Slurping ]
[ Dppr Clpses ]
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Heartbeat ]
[ Whispers ]
So many things-
- Oh, my God.
- [ Heartbeat Speeds Up ]
Mmm. Okay.
Can you hear me now?
- Good!
- [ Exhales ]
Okay, don't draw attention
to yourself.
Oh!
Okay-
Oh, shit!
[ Groaning ]
Under age! Go!
Go home to your mother! Go!
Next, next. l.D. l.D. !
Come on!
Ah! Out of state.
No good here. Next!
Come on, come on, come on!
- l.D.
- [ Chuckles ]
That's very flattering, young man...
but l was born in the year 1 930.
Yes, l can see that you are old
by your leathery hands...
- and your breasts that sag to your "WUPA.''
- What's a "WUPA''?
Wrinkled Upper-Pussy Area.
No l.D., no alcohol.
- [ Gasps ]
- Next!
[ Sighs ]
These crazy motherfuckers.
l'm gping pn break.
l.D.
Let's go.
This isn't vacation.
[ Sniffing, Clicking Tongue ]
[ High-pitched Ululating ]
McAnalovin.
What kind of bitch-ass name
is this?
- H-How'd you read it?
- Show me your nipples!
- What?
- Nipples.
Bitch tits. Little pinks.
Lemme see 'em.
- My nipples?
- Yes. Please. Do l s-s-stutter?
Huh? Eh?
- All right. Supple and taut.
- Ow!
l'd say 1 5, maybe 1 6 at the most.
What?
No way! That's crazy!
Don't fuck with me.
Damn, Biscuit!
What are you wearing, a fur coat, dog?
Oh, no. My-
My father's from the Balkans.
They're hairy.
Don't waste your high on that weak shit, bro.
Your cousin's shit is the bomb.
Really?
Ypu dpn't feel any side effects?
Not a one, my friend.
l told you that was pure bullshit.
You realize you have tits, right?
Yee! New experience.
[ Chuckles ]
- Hyah!
- [ Yells ] Chinese bitch!
lndian girl. Jew. Black.
Okay, but you're
one hairy motherfucker!
Even your hair is growing hair.
Yeah, l need tp use
the extra-sticky flak jacket. Okay?
You ready?
This seems like a lot of glue.
ls this gonna hurt?
She's a professional.
lt's not gonna hurt, right?
Yes, of course it's going to hurt,
you stupid idiot.
- Oh, God.
- You be a man, okay? Don't be a pussy.
Okay? You ready?
A-one, a-two!
- Get set!
- No, no, please!
lt doesn't... hurt that much.
Dude, if those are your nipples,
l'm gonna pass out.
[ Speaking Chinese ]
Of course they his nipple! What you think?
Look. They all on the wall.
l got a collection over there. You see?
- Shit.
- [ Groans ]
[ Disgusted Groan ]
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy!
- How does it make me a pussy if l'm not gay?
- Dpmp arigatp, bitches!
l really appreciate you guys
giving me a lift and everything...
but l think l can walk from here.
Man, it's the least we could do, considering
what Helen Keller did to your ass back there.
Yeah, that was totally
uncalled for, l know.
" McAnalovin''?
What the fuck type of name is that?
lrish... gay... porn?
How y'all expect to get anywhere looking
like that? We need to take you shopping.
Get you some thangs,
some clothes, some style.
- Alcohol, maybe?
- Absolutely. And how do you get that?
- My l.D.?
- No, motherfucker. Money!
- All right? Now, how you get money?
- Uh, work?
- That's crazy talk, son.
- That shit is crazy, dpg.
That's what's wrpng
with the ypung pepple, Yp ss.
- They all wanna do homework
and be responsible.
- Hey!
- Oh, my-
- They all wanna grow up-
Whatever happened tp
drpppin'put pf high schppl...
get a bitch pregnant,
start a music career?
Preach, nigga, preach!
[ Chuckling ]
- Hey.
- [ Screaming ]
Well, McAnalovin...
this is America and we 'bout to
bring things back to the good old days.
Beat and Yo Ass about to get you some money
the old-fashioned way, homeboy.
- What?
- We gon' steal it.
Hold on, white boy.
- Ah, yeah!
- [ Chuckling ]
ls that a life meter?
Yep, and it's green.
When it turns red, your ass is dead.
- [ Laughing ]
- Put this shit on.
We fixin' to go G.T.A. up in this bitch.
- Whoo!
- Oh, shit!
- Oh.
- Let's go shoppin'.
[ Groans ]
[ Grunts ]
Fascists!
[ Woman Groaning ]
[ Whimpering ]
Hey, what-
- What? Huh?
- [ Groaning ]
Asshole!
Hey, my man!
Oranges!
Naranjas.
Dps d?lares.
- What'd you just do?
- Oh, no, he didn't!
What? l got
the cash money, dude!
- Did you just rob a Mexican?
Are you kidding me?
- What?
Do you know what happens
when you rob a Mexican in this game?
Dog, when you rob a white guy,
you get the money.
When you rob a black guy, he'll chase
after your ass the whole dang game.
But if you rob a Mexican, dog, you get the
entire Latin community after your dumb ass!
Every ese, muchachp, ninp,
Menudo, Santana and Rob Thomas...
the motherfuckers from the catering truck,
they gon' all try to kill us!
Bring your ass over here!
[ Whimpering ]
Go, go, go, go, go!
We gon' find your ass
a woman tpday.
Ow! Careful. l'm sore.
How do they look?
You look like Hannibal Nipples.
- Right this way.
- [ Laughs ] Got 'im.
- [ Buzzer Buzzes ]
- Ypu shpuld like swimming
and apple picking and-
l like a really large man, but he's gotta
shoot blanks. You know what l'm sayin'?
- Bla-
- [ Child ] Mpmmy, l'm thirsty!
Hey! Mommy's trying to get
some penis right now. Suck it up.
l love my kids.
[ lmitates Farting ]
We'll keep it simple.
He'll toss your salad
while l give you the reach-around.
Okay?
No, l'm-
So, yeah, l like sitting in saunas...
being in bathhouses,
playing racquetball.
l like, uh...
camping, pitching tents-
- She's not the one.
- What?
She's a knockout.
What are you talking about?
Tall, big head, masculine jaw.
- Something's not right.
- What's not right?
- Motherfucker, look at her hands.
- What's wrong with her hands?
l'm pretty picky.
You know?
- That ruins everything.
- Mmm.
[ Officer Beat ] Ypu ain't tasted Mexican
until ypu taste this shit, white bpy.
[ Officer Yo Ass ]
Shit's the bomb, dog.
- Ahh. There we go.
- Yeah!
- Why is there an " F'' in the window?
-" F''?
- Man, that's a " B.''
- Stupid motherfucker.
You think l would take you
somewhere if it was an " F''?
We got three ass-piss burritos,
one crap splatter enchilada-
- That's mine. That's mine.
- We got it all!
- /Gracias, hpmbre!
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Car Hprn.. ''La Cucaracha'']
- Oh, shit.
- [ Continues ]
- [ Shouting ]
- l told you this was gonna happen! Look!
- Oh, shit!
- Here cpme the gangbangers!
- There they are! Hey!
Has anybody
been to the zoo lately?
[ Micrpphpne Feedback ]
l went to the zoo
and, uh, l w-w-
walked up to
the penguin cage...
and, um, l was, like, l wonder if the other
animals are looking at them going...
" God, l'm glad l'm me.''
Because they, uh, you know-
lt's like, l wonder what l did in my past life
to be reborn a legless, flightless bird...
in the middle of the North Pole-
South Pole.
Sorry. Um-
[ Man #1 ]
Clpse!
- Uh-
- [ Man #2 ] Npbpdy cares, buddy.
[ Clears Throat ]
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
l will attempt to make comedy applesauce.
[ Groaning, Murmuring ]
l'm sorry if l hit you.
Thank you very much.
You've been a great audience.
[ Man #3 ]
Ypu suck!
Hey, give it up for Andy, huh?
He was great!
- Hey there.
- Hi.
Oh! Hi! You're from the other night,
crossing the street!
- Yeah, that would be me.
- How are you? How's your neck?
- lt's fine.
- Yeah? Bludgeoned head?
- Better.
- Stab wounds?
- Healing.
- And that mangled leg?
Actually, it's better than before.
l can do this now.
- [ Pops ]
- Oh! Oh, l'm- l'm sorry.
l know it's not a good color match.
They only had white or black.
l chose white.
Does that make me racist?
- No, absolutely-
- Thanks!
- You were really funny up there.
- Oh, please.
- You were hilarious.
l was laughing on the inside.
- Thank you very much.
Okay, well, l just-
Good job!
- Do you wanna go out sometime?
- l'd love to. Tonight?
Tonight? Yeah.
- Sure. Absolutely.
- Great. Maybe we'll have some sex after.
Excuse me?
What?
l mean- What- What-
You said- What did you-
- l didn't say anything.
- Okay.
So send me your e-mail address. l can
tell you where l live and you can pick me up.
Maybe you should text me, then l'll
call you and you can text me your address.
ls there an app for that? lf not, why don't l
just Twitter you my Facebook page...
and then you can wall-to-wall me your number,
l'll call and leave my address on your voice mail.
lt might be better if l l. M. you
my MySpace page, then you can
leave me your address there...
l'll blog my cell phone on it, you can call me
when l give you my T-Mobile rollover minutes...
put you on my fave five- that way
you can give it to me live over the phone.
- You'd put me in your fave five?
- Oh, yeah. Sure.
- [ Phpne Ringing ]
- Oh, excuse me one second.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
Hello?
Oh, hi.
Yes. Yes, l am. Of course.
That's great news. Yeah, l will.
Thank you!
Okay, bye.
[ Screams, Laughs ]
l applied for this job in Hawaii six months ago,
and l just found out l got it!
- Oh, my God! That's great!
- l'm so excited!
- But l have to leave tonight.
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
- Oh. Okay.
- l'm sorry about dinner and sex.
- Listen, work is work.
Thank you for understanding.
Yeah, sure.
No problem.
- Oh! Okay.
- Congratulations. That's great.
- Okay, bye! Give me a hug.
- Okay.
Um, oh, my God.
You forgot your, um, leg.
How do you not have an address?
This is your freakin' contact.
Stop riding me. That dipshit fucked me up
with the whole getting arrested thing.
We'll find it. No worries.
- [ Car Hprn.. ''La Cucaracha'']
- Wait!
What the hell is that?
Sounds like " La Cucaracha.''
[ Whppping, Shputing ln Spanish ]
- Holy fucking shit!
- Let's get the fuck outta here!
Oh, shit!
Rob Thomas?
- [ Shouting Continues ]
- [ Tires Screech ]
- Get in the car.
- What?
Get in the car!
Okay.
- [ Car Dppr Clpses ]
- [ Subdued Growling ]
- [ Rparing ]
- [ Chattering ln Spanish ]
[ Engine Starts ]
This shit happens
all the time, man!
Girls just be dpin'that shit,
and it's fucked up!
Oh, yeah, dude.
That shit doesn't even matter. All right?
'Cause tonight you're gonna fuckin'
lay down the hammer, fucker.
l don't know what that means
and it's not helpful.
l just wanna meet somebody for once
who's down to earth and a normal person.
[ Crying ]
What they have is special.
Can l call you Noah?
What is wrong with you?
You're turning into
a real, certified bitch!
Now you cryin'
over The Nptebppk?
Got these things right here.
- Ow.
- These... tits.
Damn, those feel kinda-
those feel kinda good.
Okay, you know what?
You guys are disgusting.
l'm going to get a Shirley Temple.
- [ Both ] Hi!
- You're cute.
- What's your name?
- l'm Andy. Hi.
Well, Andy, every Thursday night
my sister and l pick someone
from the bar to have sex with.
And tonight we choose you!
[ Both ]
Congratulations!
- You like a m?nage a trois, Andy?
- Five pr six times a night?
How about double Dutch expressways?
You enjoy those?
- Jelly doughnut?
- Ukrainian popcorn?
Mouth fucking?
Would you excuse me a second,
or a moment, if you don't mind?
[ Together ]
Think about it!
Um, excuse me.
- [ Chattering ]
- Excuse me?
Excuse me.
[ Sighs ]
[ Thinking ]
Why can't l be the center of attention?
[ Whooping, Cheering ]
[ Man ] He pnce had sex
with a 345-ppund wpman...
just tp help her
get spme exercise.
His craps smell like
a 40-day aged bpne-in rib eye.
He's sp secure
with his masculinity...
that he dpesn't mind
urinal peekers.
He is the mpst interesting man
in the wprld.
l don't always fuck fat bitches...
but when l do l prefer
to be plastered on- [ Bleeps ]
Stay thirsty, my friends.
Can l help ypu?
Hey.
- Can l help you?
- Huh?
- To drink. What do you want to drink?
- Sprry.
[ Together ]
May l have a Shirley Temple, please?
That's my favorite drink.
Mine too.
This is fate.
l think so.
l'm Sarah.
Oh! Sorry.
l'm Andy.
- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Farting ]
- Sorry.
- [ Farts ]
- That was-
- Cute?
- Yeah. Loud.
- [ Sniffs ]
So, MTZ, the paparazzi show?
Yeah, l've been working there for two years
and just got my promotion today.
- That's so cool. Congratulations.
- Oh, thank ypu!
- l'm sp excited!
- That's really neat.
Hey-hey-hey!
Compliments of the boys!
You know, actually,
l don't drink.
l sipped spme wine pnce,
but that was it.
- Oh, that's fine.
- No.
Come on, girl.
One shot ain't gonna hurt you.
l will if you do.
- Okay!
- Okay. Cheers.
Oh! That was horrible.
Oh! My bad, girl. That was my
genetic sample. Here, try this one.
l'm not sure if l liked that one.
Can l try another one?
Um, you kn- you know what?
That's a lpt pf bppze...
tp have... quickly.
Whoo!
- [ Rpck ]
- [ Chanting ] Sarah! Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!
- [ Cheering ]
- Yeah!
Drunk girl
Gettin'up her fun npw
lt's cppl
ll pf her friends arpund
Drunk girl, drunk girl
Drunk girl
Oh, my Gpd, embarrassing
Np way
This is npt happening
Drunk girl, drunk girl
Drunk girl
The time is npw
Ypu say dpn't stpp
That ypu're super lpud
Drunk girl
Can't believe the things l did
- [ Cpntinues ]
- Um, do you think that you should be driving?
Oh, l can't help it.
- My vagina has a mind of its own.
- Oh.
Oh, my Gpd.
Okay, yep. That's weird.
l like ypu, ndy.
- l like you too.
- l like you a lot.
Okay, we should maybe-
Let's-
Okay, no, that's, um-
We have to get you some-
Oh, that could have
done the trick.
- l'm gonna go down on you now. Okay?
- What? l don't think that's-
- [ Vpmiting ]
- Oh, God, no! Please!
Oh, my God,
that's so warm.
Oh, my God,
l am, like, so sorry-
[ Screaming ]
No! No! No, please!
[ Andy Laughing Nervously ]
Andy! Andy!
Aah! Aah!
l'm right here!
- l'm here!
- Oh, God. Thank goodness.
l thought that l lost you.
Can you stop throwing up, please?
l'm not a very strong swimmer.
l think that l'm done.
Oh, l just peed.
lt's so warm.
Oh, my God.
Do you want to come in?
- Oh, l'd like that.
- Okay.
[ Thunder Rumbling ]
Everyone, meet Michael.
We're glad you're here,
Michael.
We need an umpire.
What am l gonna be
an umpire for?
- Edward, you didn't tell him?
- l was getting to that.
Let's just say it's something
we can only play during thunderstorms.
Okay.
What is it?
We're all lactose intolerant.
[ Farts ]
Sorry.
[ Panting, Gasping ]
- Hey there.
- Holy shit! You scared me.
My apologies.
Are you okay?
l'm sorry. l was being chased
by a bunch of Mexicans for no reason.
All l'm trying to do is get some alcohol so l
can have sex with the hottest chick in school.
l think l can help you out.
- Really?
- Yeah. You see that house over there?
They're practically
giving away free booze!
- Just ask for Lisa.
- Seriously?
lf l'm lyin', l'm dyin'.
Here, take this bag.
Never want to go to a party
empty-handed.
Cookies?
And condoms?
You can never have enough
of either, right?
- Agreed.
- Now go get your alcohol.
Thanks, man.
You're an awesome dude.
Yes, l am.
Yes, l am.
[ Knpcking ]
Hello?
ls anyone home?
[ Wpman ]
Cpme pn in. l made ypu a drink.
Just help ypurself.
Cool! Thanks!
- Sweet!
- Hey there.
Oh. Hey, bro.
Dude, aren't you that guy from the show
that catches the molesters?
- That would be me.
- That shpw's sp fuckin'awespme!
You're great on that!
Remember that one with the priest and
he was trying to weasel his way out of it...
but ypu ended up nailing him with
the e-mails frpm the underage girls.
Once he hightailed it and hit the front yard,
he got hit by Shawne Merriman-looking cops.
- l do.
- That was so fuckin' awesome!
What are you doing here?
ls this your house?
Uh, no. l'm actually
taping the show.
Really? Here?
That's awesome. Can l watch?
- lt looks like you already are.
- What?
What's in the bag?
What? Just the stuff you gave me.
Just... cookies and condoms.
- l didn't give you anything.
- Huh?
What did you think was gonna happen
by coming over here tonight?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
l'm not a molester.
The only reason l'm here is because
you told me there'd be alcohol here.
- You said to ask for Lisa!
- Really?
So you had no intention of having sex
with an underage minor.
Wha- No! l-l-l don't know
what you're talking about!
So you don't remember saying this?
What? Cor- No! l'm allergic to
chocolate chips, for Christ's sakes!
And l don't even like
real maple syrup.
l don't know what's going on.
- You could make things easier
if you'd just tell us the truth.
- l am telling the truth.
l don't know who this girl is.
l'm just trying to get alcohol so l can
have sex with the hottest girl in school.
- Really?
- That's all!
Oh, fuck.
Hold on. Wait.
l wanna talk to you. Sir?
- What am l gonna do? [ Screams ]
- [ Sirens Wailing ]
[ Screaming, Whimpering ]
l'm not a molester,
you fucking dickhead!
- [ lnhales, Exhales ]
- Here we go.
- Mm-hmm. [ Humming ]
- Get a little of this debris...
off your face.
Why are you being
so nice to me? Hmm?
l don't know.
l guess 'cause you're letting me.
[ Moans ]
Okay. No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
- You gotta drink some of that.
- Oh, l want you.
Not working.
Ahh!
Ahh. Ohh.
Aaah!
Yeah, that's it.
Let that sit on your tongue for a second.
That's just an antibacterial.
Okay.
l'm gonna slip into
something more comfortable.
- Okay? l'll meet you in the bedroom.
- Okay.
Okay.
[ Chuckles ]
Ohh! No!
- [ Flushing ]
- No! Oh, my God.
- [ Spraying ]
- [ Groaning ]
[ Shouting ]
You wanna lay down some pipe, bitch?
Um, can you just-
Could you give me a minute? l'll be-
Pussy!
Oh, yeah! Oww! Oh! Oh, yeah!
[ Grpaning ]
Okay. Oh, Jesus-
- Okay. Hey.
- Hey. Hey.
- Sorry.
- l was just screwing this warm pie right here.
- l heard it feels like the real thing.
- That's cool.
- You know, 1 6's a real horny age, man.
- Yes- [ Sighs ]
- So, uh, what- what you doin'?
- Whoa.
Nothing. l-
l'm sorry to interrupt you.
Sarah's in the other room. She's tied to the bed.
She wants to have sex with me.
- Oh, shit!
- l don't know what to do.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
My man!
This is the big moment!
- lt's about to go down!
- You inconsiderate pricks.
Will you please keep it down?
l have such a massive headache.
Sorry, brother.
lt's just, you know, so exciting.
Our boy's about to get laid!
- Yeah.
- Brother, you bleedin'?
What-
Oh! There are
side effects to this weed!
Damn!
Anyone have an extra tampon?
- Preferably super-wide?
- No.
[ Grunts ]
You need to get your ass back in there
before she passes out.
- l know. But what if l do it wrong?
- Do it wrong?
All you doin' is stickin' your dick
in her coochie!
There's no wrong way
of doing that!
Well, there was this one time
l stuck my thing in Naomi Turner's cat.
lt was dark in there,
we was huddled up in a twin bed...
and the cat just snuck up
in between the sheets.
lt just felt like-
Hey! You know? Uhh!
- We all's the Lord's creatures, right?
- Yes.
Man, just get your white ass
in there and get to fuckin'!
- Get to fuckin'!
- Let's dp spme fucking.
- Just do some fuckin'!
- lt can't be that hard. Everybody does it.
- Okay, l'm gonna do some fucking!
- Fuck-Fuckin'!
l can't.
l can't, l can't.
l can't do it.
l can't do some fuckin'.
l'm- l don't know
what's wrong with me.
l'm 40, and l'm-
l'm- l'm never gonna be with a woman.
l'm just not.
Not with that sniveling attitude,
you won't!
- Seth, what are you doing?
- Shut up!
l'm going out.
Out to get a milk shake.
A milk shake?
Yes, boy!
You see, l...
have a milk shake...
and you have a milk shake.
But l have a straw.
You see? Huh?
There it is. Watching!
My straw reaches...
across the room...
and into your milk shake.
[ lmitates Slurping ]
l don't understand what you're doing.
- Okay, if you're doing a metaphor,
l don't really-
- [ Slurping Continues ]
My milk shake...
brings all the boys...
to the yard.
Damn right it's better than yours!
Damn right.
l drink your milk shake!
l drink it up!
l don't even know what that means.
That's so weird.
No one wants a virgin boy, Andy.
Hey! Don't- What are you- What are you-
Don't do that! Calm down!
l will npt calm down!
- l will not calm down!
- Stop it! Seth, stop it!
Stop it!
Just stop it.
Dude, l'm so sorry, man.
l'm so fuckin' high right now.
Uh, look, look.
You got an ocean
of cum under there, all right?
The only person that's gonna
be able to get to it is you...
and you gotta use
your cock to do that.
- Okay, l get it. Please don't, you know-
- Okay?
- You can do it.
- l know. l feel like l can do it-
- No, you can do it!
- l feel like l can do it. l just need to do it.
- Then go do it already!
- My mind is changing,
and l can do this, can't l?
- Yes, you can do this!
- l know l can! You know what?
l am sick-
[ Grunting ]
l'm naked!
Wow, he is beautiful.
- [ Rattling ]
- [ Sarah Mpans ]
- Oh, Andy, you're so good!
- Bang that shit up!
- [ Whispers ] What the fuck are you doing?
- Oh, ndy, ypu're sp gppd!
- Get off of her!
- [ Screaming ] Andy! Oh!
- Get off of her.
- Don't stop! Oh!
Oh, yeah!
- Get off!
- More! More!
[ Whimpers ]
Where'd you go?
[ Both Grunting ]
- Son of a bitch!
- Get off!
[ Farting ]
- What are you doing, baby?
- [ Grunting Continues ]
- [ Grunts ]
- Yeah.
- Oh, l like that sound.
- [ Grunting ]
Oh! l can't breathe!
Ah! You son of a-
Oh, shit.
Oh, that burrito definitely was the meat.
[ Grunts ]
l'm crowning. Oh, my God. Guys, we gotta
pull over here. l don't feel too good.
[ Gurgling Sounds ]
- Guys?
- [ Snoring ]
You fucking assholes!
Pull this shit over before l shit all over
your fucking Corinthian leather!
- [ Grunts, Panting ] Oh, shit! Look out!
- [ Snorts ]
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Tires Screeching ]
[ All Screaming ]
[ Bleating ]
[ Screaming Dies Down, All Panting ]
Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
Uh- This won't take long.
[ Radip Chatter ]
Ah! My God!
What the fuck!
What the f-
ls someone in there?
- Hello! Oh, God!
- [ Gurgling Sounds ]
[ Shouts ]
l'm gonna shit my fucking pants.
l'm gonna shit my fucking pants.
Oh, my God. What?
Can you hear me now?
Good.
[ Grunts ]
Oh, my God.
[ Grunts ]
Oh, fuck.
What the fuck?
Where's the fucking toilet?
[ Flies Buzzing ]
Oh, my God.
That's disgusting.
Oh, God! l gotta go!
Oh, fuck.
[ Grunting ]
- [ Loud Grunting ]
- [ Splashing ]
- [ Panting, Grunts ] Oh, God. Yeah. Fuck.
- [ Splashing ]
- [ Cell Phpne Rings ]
- Huh?
[ Rings ]
[ Rings ]
- Yo, where are you, white boy?
- l'm almost done.
Listen, it's because of you
these Mexicans are trying to kill us!
- Huh?
- Come on!
What? What the fuck?
[ Men Shputing ]
- What? What the fuck?
- [ Shputing Cpntinues ]
- [ Gunshpts ]
- Oh, my Gpd.
Oh, God.
l don't want to do it! l can't do it!
- [ Gunshpt ]
- [ Shouts ]
Fuck it! Oh, God.
[ Gunshpt ]
- Okay! l'm here. Let's go.
- Well, it's about goddamn time, white boy.
What the fuck is that smell?
- l don't fuckin' know, dude.
- [ Flies Buzzing ]
- Let's go, dude!
- Come on, let's go, Beat.
[ Dpprbell Rings ]
Sarah. Hi!
Hi.
That's it? You don't- You don't
notice anything? [ Chuckling ]
Oh, um-
Did you- You got new flip-flops?
- Uh, not the flip-flops.
- Ankles swollen?
- Higher.
- Oh, you carry a little weight in your knees.
Higher.
Oh, my God. Aha! Of course.
You have an outie.
l never even realized
ypu had an putie.
Not even when you were
bangin' me last night?
Nope? Okay. So, no, l wasn't-
l didn't bang you last night.
Of course you didn't bang me.
You just had your dick pounding my liver
like Floyd Mayweather's punching bag...
and now l'm pregnant!
- Oh, shit. You're pregnant?
- Oh, bingo!
- Give the man a fuckin' prize!
- Be careful with that.
- Give the man a fuckin' prize!
- Be careful with that.
l don't, um- That's-
Yeah, you are. You're very pregnant.
- l'm just wondering
how that happened in a day.
- l'm half Mexican.
Really?
Andy, do you know how hard it is...
to find a guy who can make you feel like
you're getting nailed by five guys?
Mmm. No, l don't-
l don't know how hard that would be...
but that's not my baby.
Oh, God. Of course.
Typical response
from an irresponsible, middle-aged guy...
who lives with a bunch
of sex-crazed teenagers!
Okay. Come on.
My friends are not sex-crazed teenagers.
Okay, yeah. He's cupping
and maybe juggling your breasts a little bit.
Look- Do you mind?
Oh, awkward.
Thank you.
l thought you were
wearing a condom.
No, l wasn't wearing a condom
because l didn't have sex with you.
[ Exhales ]
lf you don't accept this child...
l am gonna go
so Flint, Michigan on you...
that you are gonna go into
a deep economic depression...
caused by the demise
of the auto industry.
Then some fat guy's
gonna do a documentary on you!
l don't understand what that means.
lf that doesn't work-
[ Scoffs ]
then this baby is gonna suffer!
- lt's just a baby, so- Don't smoke that.
- May cause severe birth defects.
That's very 1 970s.
Don't do that, please.
- Still not your baby?
- No, that's-
- Wanna go for underdeveloped lung capacity?
- l don't want to go for that.
lt's illegal also, so please don't-
Okay. l knpw ypu're upset,
sp please dpn't drink that...
because that's how you
make a baby homeless and- Oh!
- [ Exhales ]
- [ Child ] Mpmmy, Mpmmy! Np, Mpmmy!
We're done, Andy.
lt's over, jerk-off.
Sarah. Sarah! Come on!
l thought we had something!
l mean, l let you throw up in my mouth!
Oh!
Hey, come on, Biscuit!
You're talkin' 'bout a hood rat.
Hey, she's just for practice,
you know?
You can't get all emotionally involved
all up in that shit.
l don't know, Blaqguy.
l just feel like l need to get out of here...
recharge my batteries,
go on vacation.
But l don't-
l don't know where to go!
[ Man On TV] Sarah Marshall
was fpund canppdling with British
rpck sensatipn ldpus Bright...
in Maui, Hawaii.
The couple seemed very much in love as
they frolicked about without a care in the world.
What's warm this time of year?
Maui, which is a favprite
hpt sppt fpr many celebrities...
seems to be the place of choice
for Aldous...
as we've seen him with multiple love interests
just in the past few months.
- Maybe Australia?
- [ Man On TV] Maui-
- No, that's too far.
- is one of the warmest
and closest of the tropic getaways.
- How 'bout Mexico?
- Fuck face, are you deaf?
Your whore is here in Maui
with another guy.
l have frequent flyer miles,
but l- l don't know.
Hey, asshple! Np wpnder ypu're a virgin.
Ypu're a fucking retard.
- Turn the TVup.
- Hey, you know what? How 'bout Maui?
Oh, ha, ha!
Hey, Maui. Good call.
You'd be so far removed from anything
Sarah, you'll get over her ass in no time.
Yeah. Yeah.
Don't move, you sick fuck.
[ Maniacal Laughing ]
Where am l supposed to go,
you fucking dickheads?
[ Laughing ]
Hey, Mandy,
quit takin' up all the drugs.
- Yeah.
- [ Angry Shouting ]
What the fuck?
Holy shit!
McAnalovin!
McAnalovin!
McAnalovin!
McAnalovin!
Hpld pn there, bitch.
- Let me in!
- Holy shit!
McAnalovin!
Let me in the fuckin' car!
Dude! Jonah!
- Let him in the car, dude.
- Any friend of yours is one of ours.
- Get on in, fat white boy!
- Hi, baby!
Holy fuckin' shit!
You got fuckin' beer!
- Ypu gpt the fuckin'beer!
- Of course l did. l'm McAnalovin!
- Fuckin'incredible!
- Chicka-chicka-yeah!
And you got fuckin' tits in your car!
Holy fucking shit!
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
- Hi.
- Aloha.
Oh.
Hi. l'm Andy Spitzer.
l'm checking in.
Oh, Mr. Spitzer. Hello!
We have you in one of our econo rooms.
Great. Yeah.
That's $50 a night?
Fifty dollars.
Of course.
Then there's a eight percent state tax,
a seven percent city tax...
a 1 2% airport tax, a 32% stimulus tax
and, of course, the valet fee.
Oh, valet.
No, l didn't drive, so-
- Everyone pays the valet fee.
lt's standard.
- Standard?
The grand total on your room
will come to $485 per night.
Food is extra except
the mint on your pillow at turndown.
$485? That's... ridiculous.
- lt's a very good mint.
- l know. l-l-
l'd like to speak to a manager, please.
- [ Feedback Squeals ]
- Manager to the front desk.
Manager to the front desk.
We have a cheap bitch in line one.
Cheap bitch in line one.
lf he's not a cheap bitch,
he's a broke-ass motherfucker.
Cheap bitch
broke-ass motherfucker in line one!
- Okay. Can you-
- Uh-uh. Piehole, l'm goin' on break.
- Andy?
- Kim.
- What are you doing here?
- l needed a vacation. This is so- Wow.
This is crazy. Well, l work here.
l'm gonna hook you up.
l'm gonna give you
the presidential suite.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
That's so nice of you.
- Under one condition.
- Okay.
You take me on that date
we were supposed to go on last week.
Deal. l'd love to.
Okay. T-Tonight?
- At 8:00 p.m.?
- 8:00 p.m.'s great.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
So, thank you so much.
Bye! l have my leg on.
l didn't forget it this time.
[ Ppunding On Dppr ]
lf you don't open this door, asshole,
l am gonna get the manager...
and have him throw your drunk, lowlife ass
out on the street, you prick!
Sarah?
Oh! My baby daddy.
This is weird.
Um, l came here on vacation...
and my friend gave me this room.
- This is weird.
- lt's not weird at all.
You came here to find me.
That's so romantic.
Np, l didn't cpme-
Np, this is a cpincidence, really.
This is really just a coincidence.
So you're still not gonna
claim your love child?
Baby, what is all the npise?
You're not still mad at me, are you?
Right. l thought you said
no sex till after the baby.
That must be some other lady you're dating,
'cause we are gonna do it right now.
Bye, Andy.
[ Farts ]
[ Grunting ]
Son of a bitch.
He must have a girl over there.
Oh. Take it. Take it!
Take it like a dirty whore!
Oh, yeah!
Give me your man stick!
Oh, take it like a Brit
who hates everything American!
No, l can't, 'cause l
can see the baby moving.
- Yes.
- Don't look.
Oh, yes! Give me
your big limey lizard!
Oh, yeah! Ypu're giving new meaning
tp ''bangers and mash''!
Oh, God! You are so huge!
- Say you love me right now.
- l love you right now.
- Fuckin' louder, bitch.
- l love you right now!
l love you too, Aldous! Of course
we can name the baby after you!
- No. l don't want to name the baby-
- Shut up! Yes, you do!
Get inside me now.
[ Screaming ]
Oh, yes!
- [ Banging ]
- Oh, yes!
Yes, yes! Oh, yes!
Oh, yeah! Yes!
- Something's got a hold of me willy.
- What?
Something's got a hold of me willy!
lt feels like... baby hands.
Oh, good God, Lord!
The baby's got a hold of me wanker!
Shut up! Oh, yeah!
[ Screaming ]
Oh, yes! Like that!
- Yes, yes!
- What did you fuck, the devil?
[ Child ]
Daddy! Daddy! Play!
Oh, good Lord!
Help me, Jesus Christ!
- This woman's got a demon in her sex!
- Oh, yeah!
Oh, God!
[ Gasps ]
Oh, yes!
- This place is really nice.
- Yeah, l love it here.
lt reminds me of a restaurant my uncle
used to take me to when l was a little girl.
He'd always have a scotch.
l hated the taste of it after he kissed me.
- ls that- Uh, is that you?
- Huh?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
You know what?
My ex-boyfriend owns this restaurant.
He took those of me one night
when l was really toasted.
You have- Ex-boy-
You've been here three days.
You already have
an ex-boyfriend. Wow.
Once you start mixing
alcohol and Red Bull...
it's like you're behind the wheel of a car
going 1 00 miles an hour, but nobody's driving.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. That's-
Wpw. Ypu're really flexible.
Oh, yeah. lt's genetic. l come from
a long line of leg spreaders.
Yeah. Because ypu seem tp
really like being naked.
A- Are you judging me, Andy?
ls that what's going on here?
- No. No!
- 'Cause if you are,
l will walk out of here right now.
No, no, no. Kim, l'm not judging you.
Please, l'm not judging you.
You know, l've gotten drunk and
done some pretty wild things myself.
Just drop it, Andy, okay?
Put the photos behind us?
- Yeah. Okay. l'm all for that, yeah.
- Great. Thank you.
- Shall we order?
- Yeah. l'm starving.
ls that a-
ls that a gorilla?
Yeah, Andy.
lt's a gorilla.
- What does it look like, a giraffe? Come on.
- No. Yeah.
[ Giggling ]
- l like you, Andy. l like you a lot.
- l like you too.
The funny thing is that usually l like tp
get really physical with the guys l date.
But with ypu, it's different.
- lt's like l need something more.
- Yeah.
l feel like l'm cpnnecting with ypu
pn such a deeper level.
You're like a brother to me.
Ypu've gpt this asexual vibe
that's sp hpt.
lt's like l cpuld see us married
fpr five years and npt even kissing.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
l really think we should just
go a while without having sex.
Like a lpng, lpng while,
ypu knpw?
- Just take things really slpw.
- Okay.
Ypu knpw what l'm saying, ndy?
'Cause l dpn't think we shpuld
get each pther hpt and bpthered.
l really think we should just let sex
be the furthest thing from our minds.
- Okay.
- l won't tongue your ear...
or rub my natural...
perky breasts
up against ypur chest...
or lick your inner thigh
all the way up to your c-
up to your- to your c-
- My c-
- Yeah.
l really want to say it,
but l feel shy saying the word " cock.''
- l think l know what you mean. Yeah.
- [ Glasses Clinking ]
ls that your cock?
Oh, my God!
- [ Groaning ]
- You're making a weird face right now.
- l am? Really?
- Yeah. [ Laughing ]
lt's funny. You look like a-
like a crazy person.
[ Laughing ]
Oh. Oh!
l had such a good time with you.
Oh, l just- l feel like
we're connected or something.
l feel like you might be
my soul mate.
Ooh!
Take me from behind. Yeah.
Oh. Okay.
Uh, what the hell is that?
What? Oh. Oh, it's my tattoo.
My uncle inked it on me
when l was, like, 1 2.
lt's like a family crest. lt's kind of cool, right?
l never got a full look at it.
- Are you Native American?
- What? No.
l want you inside me right now.
- Please, Andy.
- Okay, okay.
Dpn't dp it, ndy! Dp npt thrpw away
everything that we have built tpgether!
- Who the hell is this?
- Sarah, what are you doing?
Look, l made a mistake, okay?
l never should have let you go.
You're the one
that l want to be with.
l know it,
and our baby knows it.
That is not my baby, okay?
That is not my baby.
l know that this is a lot for you to process,
and that's okay.
Oprah says that all men go through
this first phase of denial with pregnancy...
and we can go through it together.
Hold on a second.
Am l hearing that this is your baby?
- That is not my baby!
- Of course it is. He's my baby's daddy.
l'm not your baby's daddy!
Blaqguy's the baby's daddy.
Leave it up to the man
to put the blame on the coloreds.
l'm not blaming anybody! Blaqguy had
sex with you when you were blindfolded!
Okay, Andy.
l'll humor you, all right?
There's only one way to find this out
for sure. A little help, please!
- [ Crpwd Cheering ]
- [ Band ]
[ Tpilet Flushing ]
- [ Ends ]
- Ladies and gentlemen, Andy claims...
that his roommate diddled Sarah
while she wasn't lookin'.
Ooh!
Sarah claims that this baby
is gpnna cpme put all white and hairy...
just like his daddy Andy.
Aw!
So, to end all of this right now...
we have an amazing new D.N.A. test...
that can determine the father of a child
before the baby is born.
[ udience ]
Oph!
Come here,
you grisly little bastard.
- l am so sick and tired-
- [ Grunting ]
of you deadbeat motherfuckers...
makin' us white guys look bad!
[ Together ]
Oh, shit!
[ Gasping ]
lf it turns blue, ladies,
we've got your baby's daddy.
l'm sorry, son. l may have been
a little too hard on you right there.
You can take a hound to water...
but you can't water a hound.
Sarah, you're a bitch.
- [ udience Cheering, pplauding ]
- [ Band ]
Good night, folks.
l'm Dr. Bill.
- [ Band ]
- He told you, bitch.
Now you look stupid.
Stupid?
Who you callin' stupid, bitch?
- You, trick.
- Trick? You the ho.
l'm the ho?
You the ho with that ho mouth.
Should be eatin' out this peach
with that ho mouth.
Oh, l will eat that peach.
l will eat that peach
until it turns into a prune, bitch.
You think l'm scared of you
turning my peach into a prune?
- Oh, you're not scared of me?
- Nah, l ain't scared of you.
You're not scared
of me suckin' it?
- l'm gonna suck you off like l did my man Andy.
- What you say, bitch?
- You heard me.
- What you say about my man Andy?
- Your man?
- lt's on, bitch.
- [ Bell Clangs ]
- All right. Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Let's get it on!
[ Crpwd Cheering ]
Let me see
what you can do.
[ Grunts ]
- Fucker!
- [ Farting ]
Oh, l think l just farted.
l'm sorry, you guys.
Come on, smelly snatch.
Come on! Come on! Fuckin' do it!
[ Screaming ]
[ Crunches ]
Oh, you did not just fuck
with my best asset.
[ Grunts ]
- [ Wind Whistling ]
- Oh, did it just get cold in here?
- Let's go, bitch.
- You want to go again? You want to go again?
Oh!
[ Screams ]
- Oh.
- This is what l like to call
the " Heather Mills,'' bitch.
[ Unzips ]
Please! Don't.
You know what, Andy?
This is exactly the kind of drama l wanted
to get away from by moving out here.
So who's it gonna be-
me or her?
You're both, like, incredibly
special people, and l-
You know what?
lt's been real, but it's over.
- Kim, please-
- Give me my leg!
[ Sobs ]
Give it to me!
[ Dppr Clpses ]
Hey. You ready
for some of this?
- Aw, shit.
- Pussy!
[ Farts ]
Ypung white pne,
fpllpw me tp the path pf ypur destiny.
What?
Motherfucker, get yo' ass out of
that lounge chair and follow me, bitch.
Damn!
Hi. Who are you?
[ Chuckling ]
The fprce is strpng with this pne.
- Virgin you are.
- Are you-
A virgin? Yes.
1 40 years for me.
Okay. You're 1 40 years old? l doubt that.
Nobody's 1 40 years old.
By npt spilling ypur seed uppn the sand,
many years dp ypu live.
Splooge is the key to life force, it is.
[ Chuckling ]
He's saying if you don't jerk it,
you live longer.
- Really?
- Mmm.
l'm 8 1 myself.
So, wait. l've been doing
the right thing this whole time?
Yes have you.
Um, l'm sorry.
ls that your ball sac?
[ Chuckling ]
Observant you are.
Scrptum very stretchy.
Yes, yes. Very stretchy.
- Yeah.
- At age 41 , your balls will fill up.
The bigger they get,
the more force you'll have.
l don't care about the force.
l don't want big balls.
Behold, the power
of the virgin force.
Oh!
No! This is not what l-
l don't want to be
a virgin anymore!
[ Disgusted Grunt ]
l fear we have lost another one
to the dark side.
Scratch the back of my balls,
will you?
Reach them l cannpt.
- [ Giggling ]
- [ Mutters ] Jesus Christ.
[ Man ]
That's sp hpt. Oh, my Gpd.
Smile pn this pne.
Np, np. Dpn't use ypur teeth.
h, that's-
Hey, hey, hey, fuck snprt!
What are ypu dping with my phptps?
She's my girlfriend,
and these are mine!
And don't call me a snort fuck
or whatever it is you called me.
What a fuckin' hunyak!
You, back at me right now. There we go.
lt just isn't right that a woman
as wonderful as you...
has her shaved... chunch plastered
all over a four-star restaurant.
l know we're not together,
but if we were l wouldn't want
to share your growler with anyone.
Except for maybe the gorilla.
That kind of turned me on.
lt wasn't a gorilla, Andy.
lt was a guy in a fuzzy suit.
Oh. l didn't know that.
Look, l made a mistake back there
by not telling you how l really feel.
l choose you, Kim.
l choose you.
[ Man ]
Npw l knpw
My pne mistake was npt telling ypu
Mempries
Wicked scenes
- l can't escape pr erase frpm the end
- [ Gasps ]
- l'm doomed!
- [ Cpntinues ]
l'm gonna be this old man
with this giant nut sac...
and nobody
to carry it around for me!
- [ Tires Screech ]
- [ Grunts ]
Oh, damn! Oh, my God.
- [ Beeping ]
- Oh, my God.
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Videp Game Bleeping ]
Holy fuck! Oh!
[ Screaming ]
- [ Groaning ]
- [ Kim ] ndy!
- Andy! Oh, my God! Andy, are you okay?
- Yeah.
l'm so sorry l said
all those things to you.
l feel horrible about it.
l'm sorry.
- lt's okay. Listen, Kim.
- Yeah?
There's something
l wanna tell you, okay?
You, too, have hepatitis " B'' and
an incurable case of burning Chlamydia?
- No. What?
- What?
- Oh. l'm sorry.
- Nothing. No. No.
- There's something else, okay?
- Oh.
[ Grunting ]
Look.
l'm a virgin.
Really?
Oh, Andy, that is so refreshing.
l haven't been with a virgin
since l was, like, eight.
- Wait. What?
- Since l was, like, eight.
Oh. Okay.
You know what?
l love you. You got hit by a car,
and you're still standing up.
You're just undefeatable.
[ Groans ]
[ Man ]
ll right, Sarah! Just keep pushing!
Gpt spme crpwning actipn
gping pn pver here.
l can see the head, but the head
can't see me. Here we go!
- l'm gonna take a look.
- No, don't look! Don't look!
Holy Christ!
l shouldn't have looked.
Oh, shit! Get it out!
Get it out!
- Here it comes.
- [ Growling ]
Oh! Oh!
[ Spits ]
Can you hear me now?
No.
What about now?
Good.
- Oh!
- [ Giggles ] l see the head.
- Shit! Ah, cocksucker, motherfucker!
- Push.
- [ Squirting ]
- Oh! [ Laughing ]
Congratulations
on your beautiful baby boy!
You got a playmate now.
Do l even know you?
- We got another one.
- What? Oh, God!
- Here we are. lt's cpming.
- Fuck!
- Oh!
- [ Baby Crying ]
Uh, l'm gonna assume
this one is yours?
Oh, he's beautiful!
[ Screaming ]
- [ Seth ] Hey!
- Here's another one.
Cpme pn. Here it is.
Oh!
[ Baby Crying ]
lt's for you.
Congratulations.
- [ Sarah Screaming ]
- Oh, wow.
[ Seth ]
Hpw many pepple did ypu have sex with?
lt's coming! Here it is.
- [ Gasps ] ls it- ls it-
- [ Crying ]
[ Panting ]
My little rice ball.
Oh. Thank you, Nurse.
[ Man ]
Lpve
- Lpve
- [ Crying ]
[ Vpcalizing ]
[ Crying Continues ]
[ Laughing ]
- Hey, Andy. Congratulations.
- Congratulations.
Tonight you get to do both of us.
But we were just
wpndering pne thing.
- Have you ever had a Turkish log jammer?
- Double clam slam?
- Bolivian skyscraper?
- Sweaty catfish sampler?
Pink glass shower?
[ Together ]
Mouth fucking?
Okay. Get the fuck
out of here!
[ Kim Giggling ]
- [ ndy Mpans ]
- [ Kim Chuckling ]
[ Chuckles ]
Are you ready for this?
Yeah. l-l think so.
l'm gonna make it really easy on you.
l'm gonna do all the work.
Oh. Okay.
- Oh. Oh!
- Wow. [ Chuckles ]
Oh, that feels- That's good.
You're officially
not a virgin anymore.
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, that's really-
That feels good.
That feels, like, really gppd.
- [ Grunting ]
- Why are you making that face?
- w, sprry. l'm sprry.
- That's okay. lt's all right.
- [ Grunting ]
- Just try to look into my eyes.
Okay. Yeah. That's- Ah, there.
There, that hurts.
This hurts. Little bit hurts.
Good though. ln a good way.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Okay. Oh.
- Do it harder.
- [ Babbling ]
[ Babbling Cpntinues ]
You shouldn't move. Something's
going on now. Something's going on.
- [ Screaming ]
- What's happening?
Ah! Get out of me!
Get out!
[ Screaming ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Shouting ]
[ Humming ]
[ Grunting ]
Apparently, the wildfire has
been completely extinguished.
But in related news...
Louisiana is now completely flooded.
A torrential downpour
of an unknown salty liquid...
has filled the area...
breaking the levees once again
in the process.
[ Shouting ]
[ Maniacal Laughing ]
Ha! Aha!
[ Laughing ]
[ East lndian-style Ppp ]
[ Cpntinues ]
She's a ho
[ Operatic Vocalizing ]
She's a hp
- [ Vocalizing Continues ]
- She's a ho
She's a hp
[ Man ] Every night ypu take her put
she starts acting crazy
Freaking every guy in the club
whp wants tp play
She's a hp
She's a hp
Ypu shpuld knpw that ypu can't
turn a hp intp a hpusewife
- She will screw ypu pver
and make a jpke pf ypur life
- She's a hp
She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- [ Falsetto ] She's a ho
Every time she cpmes arpund the guys
ypu get embarrassed
She's a hp and that's a fact
Ypu just may want tp wear this
Her vag is just a factpry
that pumps a lpt pf children
She has sp many pthers
that ypu might just want tp kill them
Uh-uh.
l dpn't think ypu said that.
- She's a hp
- l ain't np hp! Ypu knpw what?
- lt was ypur baby daddy
that did that shit tp me.
- She's a hp
- Fuck ypu! Uh-uh!
- She's a hp
- Fpr real
- She's a hp
- Enchiladas
- She's a hp
- Quesadillas
- She's a hp
nd tacp supreme
She likes the taste pf Matzp balls
curry and sian
Fried chicken, carnitas
and she's intp Caucasians
She's a hp
She's a hp
She blew him, she's pn the mend
Just blpwin'fpr the cameras
Smile sp big while thpse tightened asses
are in slammers
- She's a hp
- Balls pn her chin! She'll tpss ypur salad!
- She's a hp
- She's alsp intp Cleveland steamers!
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
- She's a hp
She's a hp
[ Falsettp ]
She's a hp
She's a hp
She's a hp
She's a hp
- hp
- She's a hp
She's a hp
She'll suck ypur friends pff
[ larm Ringing ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Spits ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Rings ]
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
[ Gasps ]
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes, yes!
Yes, yes, you stupid,
lamebrained, relentless...
snot-nosed, dickface,
cocksucker, cock knocker...
motherfucker, yes!
Yes! Now, don't you ever give up?
Don't you have a conscience?
Have you no fucking soul?
You unflinching bastard!
You stupid, relentless, lamebrained...
fucking cocksucker!
Fuck burger,
fucking, fucking fuck burger!
Can you hear me now?
[ Sobbing ]
Yes.
[ Crying ]
Yes!
Yes!
[ Crying, Hpwling ]
Yes!
Yes. Yes.
Everybpdy knpws
ypu're a dpuchebag
Why ypu such a dpuchebag
Frpstin'ypur tips
Shakin'ypur hips
Dressed in drag
Ypu walk arpund
with ypur dick put
Dancin'like a fppl
Lppkin'like a tppl
What a fag
nd when ypu walk arpund
with ypur pink shirt
nd ypur spiky hair
lt makes me want tp
give ypu a wedgie
By pulling pn ypur underwear
Dpuchebag
Everybpdy knpws
ypu're a dpuchebag
Oph, why ypu
such a dpuchebag
Everybpdy knpws
ypu're a dpuchebag
Oph, why ypu such
a cpck smpker
Wearin'Speedps
while ypu swim
Rpckin'spandex at the gym
ll the time
Why ypu shavin'pff
ypur mustache
Grpw spme handlebars
nd maybe ypu'll be a star
l dpn't knpw
Oph, a dpuchebag
Let me hear ypu sing it
Everybpdy knpws
ypu're a dpuchebag
Everybpdy knpws
Everybpdy knpws
Everybpdy knpws
Everybpdy knpws
[ Man ]
Uh.
Just when ypu thpught
it was pver...
we cpme back.
Spme mp'dick fp'ypur ass.
Yeah. Npt a deuce.
[ Ends ]
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