The 2000 Year Old Man (1975) - full transcript

About four days ago a plane landed
at Idlewild Airport.

The plane came from the Middle East
bearing a man who claims to be

2000 years old.

He spent the last six
days at the Mayo Clinic.

Ei, sir.

Sir, is it true that you are 2000 years old?

Oh boy.

-Yes.
-You are?

It's hard to believe sir because

in the history of man nobody has
ever lived more than 167 years

wich a man from Peru claimed to be.



But you claim to be 2000?

I'll be, not yet.
I'll be 2000, October 16th.

You will be 2000. When were you born?

We didn't have formal years
and names and writing.

We didn't know. I see.

Nobody kept time.

See, we didn't know.

We didn't write. We just
sat around, pointed in the sky

and said wow hot there wow.

-That's all they said?
-We didn't even know it was the sun.

You really didn't know anything.

Anything, we were so dumb.

We didn't know who was a lady.

-But they were...
-They were with us.



But we didn't know who they was

we didn't know who was the
ladies and who was fellows.

You thought they were
just different type of fellows.

Yes, stronger or smaller or softer.

The softer ones I think
was the ladies all the time.

What about that? How did you find out?

Well, they are cute, a fat guy,

could you could have mistaken him,

soft and cute.

Who is the person who
discovered the female?

Bernie.

Who was Bernie?

Bernie, one of the first leaders of our group.

- And he discovered the female?
- Yeah.

- How did that happen?
- Ladies, ladies here.

I'm very interested to find out
how Bernie discovered the woman.

-Well, he...
-How did he come to find?

One morning

he got up smiling.
So he said:

I think there is ladys here.

I said, well, what do you mean, you know?

He said: 'cause in the night.

I was swelled
and delighted, see?

So he went into such a story that

it's hundreds of years later,
I still blush.

Could you give us the
secret of your longevity?

Well, the major thing.

The major thing.

Is that I never, ever touch ripe food.

I don't eat it.

I wouldn't look at it and I don't touch it.

And and I never run for a bus.

There's always another.

Even if even if you're late for work.

You know, I never run for a bus.

I never ran.

I just stroll, jump it, slowly
walk to the next bus...

Yeah, well but there were
no buses at the time.

- No, in my...
-Right.

In my time ahnn...

What was the means of transportation then?

-Mostly fear.

-Fear transported you?
-Fear yes.

You could see.

A lion, he would would growl,
you would go two miles a minute.

I'd like to find out
about some social customs

the origination of social customs.

For instance, singing how that started?

Oh it stems from fear.

-Could you explain?
-Because in the old days,

I said old days.

I don't mean the georgian cars.

-Did you..
-I mean rocks and caves...

I'm asking you, sir, how song...

Some song came about when
you really had to communicate.

-But in trouble you couldn't say help.
-Yes.

But have to use your mouth.

Yes, I know.

Hello.

-I mean, I wouldn't say help,
I say good morning.

Yes. You're really...

you know you in trouble.

- But somebody said eeeh eeeeh.
-That was the first song.

- I don't know.
- In other words, fear, right?

I was singing.

We thought happiness did.

Oh, and the song came out of it.

A lion is eating my foot off.

Somebody call a cop.

A lion is eating my foot off.

Somebody call a cop.

A lion is eating my foot off.

Somebody call a cop.

A lion is eating my foot of

Somebody call a cop.

Very interesting to hear the derivation of songs

The first songs,

the first songs were
all the anthem songs.

We always thought...

We always thought...

Wanna hear an anthem song?

You had an anthem song?

We had a national anthem.

-What was the anthem?
-Well, ah...

you see, was only fragment...

-Fragment?
-It wasn't a nation.

-Yes.
-It was cave, each cave. Yes.

Each cave had a national anthem.

You remember
the national anthem of your cave?

Ok. I say I'll never forget it.

You don't forget a national
anthem in a minute.

Let them go to the hell

except cave 76.

For instance, how did the custom of
two people shaking hands

how the handshake come to be?

The handshake?
As you know...

I don't,
that's why I'm asking!

The handshake has also
stemmed from fear.

- Everything seems to stem from fear.
- Of course.

Everything we do is based on fear.

-Even love?
-Mainly love.

How can love stem from fear?

How can love stem from fear?

What do you need a woman for?

You know what you need for?

-In my time?
-Yes.

To see if an animal is behind yourself,

you had to get eyes
in the back of your head.

you take two eyes
that is to be a lady.

I see.

You say, lady,
you look behind me for a while.

And that was the first...
the first marriages.

What if you take a look
behind me ok?

How long you want?Forever, we are married.

You walked back to back to
the rest of your life?

Yes. You only look at her once in a while,

when you knew you it was safe?

When I knew I was in a highground.

-The handshakes they started how?

-They started to see if
the fellow had a rock

or a dagger in his hand.

Where is you hand?
Hi, Charlie.

How you're doing Jumpy,
where is you hand?

Then you open it
and you look...

And you shook another one.

And that's the way the
handshakes started.

Yes, the shake.

May have a stone or a marble
to stick in your eye.

In the older days

you should get a snap and all.

How the dancing started?

-Dancing is the same thing.
-Fear again?

Just fear. The only thing
you could do with a hand

was to see if there was a rock or a marble

or rubber band or nail or
something that would stick in your head.

Right. Ok.

But while imobilizing my hand

dancing gets to
complete the imobilization.

Dance and keep the feet
busy so he can't get you.

Yes, but I think most people are interested

in living a long and
fruitful life.

-You mentioned?
-Fruit is good food, you mentioned.

Fruit kept me going for 140 years once

when I... was on a very strict diet,

mainly nectarines, I love that fruit

half a peach, half a plum,
such a hell of a fruit.

It's not too cold

Not too hot, you know, just nice.

-What if...
-A rotten one?

That's how much I love. I'd rather eat
a rotten nectarine than a fine plum.

-What do you think about?
-I can understand that.

Yes, that's how much I love them.

-Yes, I can understand, sir.
-Some good things.

What did you do for a living?

Well, many years ago, thousands.

There was no heavy industry.

We know that.

Most things that we
manufactured or we made,

most things we ever made,

was we would make a take a piece of wood

and rub it, rub it
and rub it and rub it

then clean it and look at it
and hit right with it

and hit a tree with it.

-For what purpose?
-Just to keep busy.

There was not. There was absolutely
nothing to do, had no job.

What other jobs were there?

Must've been something
else besides hitting a tree with

the knowledge, hitting a tree with a

piece of stick was already a good job.

You couldn't get that job.

Mainly was sitting and looking in the sky

was a big job

and another job was
watching each other.

-And what language did you speak?
-They spoke...

-Rock, basic rock.
-Years before Hebrew.

Yes. 200 years before Hebrew
was the rock language, the rock talk.

Could you give us an example of that?

Hey, you don't put that rock on me.

Hey, what you do with
the rock?

Do you remember you remember
your Hebrew sir?

Yes, I would just I think I remember fluent...

Because I understand the modern
Hebrew is different from the...

- Yes. The difference in some of the

-phonetic alliteration paterns.
-Yes.

Can we hear an example of the
ancient Hebrew?

A very ancient Hebrew is...

Oh, hi there, hello.

Hello there. How are you.

-Hi. How are you.
-That's English.

-Oh wait, wait.
-You remember any Hebrew?

Very little.

I don't think I remember.

I must have forgot
a great deal of it.

-I think you forgot it all.
-Maybe all, yes.

Maybe all.
Thousands of years since I needed it.

Now, sir, did you ever...

Did you ever have any formal
job as we know it today?

Yeah, well, I was a manufacturer. I was owner.

What kind of a factory did you have?

I had a I used to make the
star of David, Jew stars.

Making a little money?

Where's that? Yeah.

Soon as religion came in, I was
one of the first in that.

I figured this was a good thing.

How did you make them? Did you have tools?

Well, we didn't have a lady.

I employed six men each with a point.

They used to run together
in the middle of the factory

A great speed, it was huge.

They were making a star.

Yes. We would make two a
day because of the many accidents.

Six men running and...
you know.

Lots of accidents.

You never thought
of going into anything else?

Oh, no, I had an offer once.

-It came to me. Simon.
-What Simon asked you to do?

Said he had a new thing, a new item,

a winner, looks like a winning item.

That was gonna be a
big seller is called a cross.

And I looked at it and I turned it over

and looked in all sides of it

and I said, it's simple. It's too simple.

I didn't know then. Element.

-I didn't know with such a
-You turned him down?

and I said, I'm sorry, but I'm too busy.

See, I could have
I could have fired four men,

two men run together, bang,
that is a cross.

Would say that I would
I would have earned

over a hundred dollars doing
that crosses and everything.

Yes, certainly.

Do you have a few moments, sir?

What do you mean? Money or the time.

No, we have to cut way for messages now.

-Okay, let's do it. Is it in English?
-Yes.

By the way, sir, are you married?

I have been married several hundred times.

-Several hundred times?
-Yes.

You haven't, man. Do you
remember all your wives?

-One I remember well.
-Which one was that?

The five one, Shyla.

I remeber her well.

I'm afraid to ask the next question,
you had many hundreds of wives...

-Hundreds and hundreds.
-But how many children you have?

I have over forty two thousand children.

And not one comes to visit me.

It's awful, sir

well, sir, it's really you mean
to say there isn't one daughter...

there's many daughters,
but, but they

you know how they are, children.

Good luck to them, let them go.

I don't want listen, let them
be happy as long they're happy

I don't care. But they could
send a note

write how're you Pop
how you're doing Pop

you know, they don't.

Sir... ahn, you must have known

some great men in your time,
you did travel to...

I knew the greater and the near greater.

Can I ask you about some of these...

Certainly, I'll tell you the true

the true whether
I knew or not.

For instance, people are people are

very interested in
somebody like Joan of Arc.

A lot has been written
about her, we read a lot...

Aah what a kiss.

You knew Joan of Arc?

I went for her, damn it,
I went for her.

Nowhere in history do we know
of Joan going with it anybody.

Well, they don't print everything.

You did marry her? No.

No. I didn't marry her because she was
on a mission.

she used to say to me

she used to say to me,
I've got to save France.

I should say I look.

I've got to wash up. You save France.

See you later after you save France.
I'll wash up, you know.

-How did you...
-Hold it, I... yet.

How did you feel about
her being burned at the stake?

Terrible.

I didn't I didn't know.

Sir, how about some of
the legendary characters

who supposedly might have existed?

For instance, Robin Hood.

-Did he...?
-Oh, yeah. Lovely man.

Ran around in the forest.

Did he really steal from
the rich and give to the poor?

No, he didn't.

He stole from everybody
and kept everything.

Out of the legend?

Out of the legend let's bring up that

he had a fellow monk,
hired a press agent

running all the paper
and roll and scroll.

He takes from the rich
and gives to the poor, who knew?

You knew you took
such a knock in the head

when he robbed you
wouldn't knock him down.

-In other words...
-A tough guy.

I hate to have our legendary figures smashed

Well, I hate do smashing for you.

So much to discuss, for instance,

-somebody like William Shakespeare
-Oh what a pussycat.

-You are saying that you knew
-A pussycat.

You did know it, for instance

Oh, that little beard, that cute hair...

He was reputed,

I guess you are agreeing that he
was the greatest writer of all times.

Oh no, hey, hold up
he was small.

What you mean?
You just said he was great.

-Oh boy!

-And I said he was great...
-No sir.

A cute man and a pussycat.

William Shakespeare
was not a great writer?

Not good writer at all.

He wrote 37 of the greatest.

Shakespeare was not a good writer, no.

He wrote 37 of the greatest.

Would you ever see the
original the first folios?

You mean they were edited by someone else?

Never mind the edit,
did you see the folios?

No, I never saw them.
Did you see?

I saw that folios, your wanna
see how they are?

A blast...

A 'm' you know
that look like a 'D'

an 'M' didn't look like an 'M'

I know that is a 'V'

Every letter was
cockeyed and crazy.

Don't tell me he was a good writer.

The worst printmanship
I ever saw in my life.

What he did?
He did as it was reputed,

he did write 37 of the greatest
plays of...

-38!
-I only know 37.

Would you care to look at this list sir?

These items are listed
come down to the ages.

-You know one that should be there?
-Yes.

What's that?

Queen Alexandra and Morris.

Is there any copy
of this unexistent?

This is a play that I put
invested money in.

Probably the only one that
didn't come to light.

Come to light and closed in Egypt.

Sir, you remember...

you remember any of the dialogue
of Queen Alexandra and Morris?

Queen Alexandra
turn to Morris and said:

Oh, Morris. What could it have
been that I have seen?

Is it not in my marrow or we not have
one on ourselves?

And he would say to her:

What are you hollering?

What are you hollering?

-Sir, what...
-Wake up the whole castle, you know.

Sir, what did you do 2000
years ago to entertain...

-Walk and wing.
-I want to know wether...

-Were there comedians
-Oh sure sure, we had.

You remember any of the...
2,000 years ago...

A matter of days,
let me see.

I remember one comedian
gave us some laughs

while we were hysterical.

Well, who is he?
Some good laughs.

Murray the Nut.
He gave us a laugh.

A tiger came in the
cave one afternoon.

Soothed in uninvited naturally.

Nobody asked how a
tiger did walk in.

Tiger came in and Murray,
you know, the joker

the tumbling, you know, the Nut

jumps at and grabs
the tiger by the tail

yahaa, yahaa, yahaa...

and the tiger turn around
and ate him in a minute.

and we get histerical
laughing and laughing.

Best joke we ever had.

Oh sir, that's not very funny.

That was all we have, our chaos then
that was all we have.

Terrible, I would consider that...

Have to pass me out,
Murray took the tiger.

-That was entertainment?
-Yes.

I would consider that in the realm
of tragedy rather than comedy.

It's a point of view,
to me tragedy is... is

if I cut my finger, that's tragedy.

It clinch and I cry and I run around

and I go into Mount Sinai
for a day and a half.

I'm very nervous about.

And to me comedy is
if you walk into an open sewer

and die, I like that.

Comedy I say.

-My finger is important.
-Yes

In the 2000 years you've lived,
you've seen a lot of items.

Certainly.

What is the biggest
change you've seen?

In two thousand years the
greatest thing mankind ever devised

I think in my humble opinion is
saran wrap.

You can put a sandwich in it.

You can look through it.
You can touch

you can put over your face
and fool around and everything.

It's so cool
you could wrap up

-You would ate it?
-I love it,

put three olives in it
and put a little one.

can put ten sandwiches
and make up this.

-Whatever you want,
It's clean and it sticks with.

-You equate this with...
-You can look right through.

You equate this with
man's discovery of space?

That was good,
that was good.

-Sir, we ah...
-Yes, yes.

We have to take
time out for message now.

Why do you have
to take time out?

You take the message,
I'll keep talking.

That was a good message.

Well, sir, if we don't have too much more time

but we all here would
like to know your code.

Well, alright, is this it?

A farewell?
-A farewell address.

Hello there. This is 2000 years talking to you

from the depths of back there when we was

now I'm still and they not
and I just want to say

keep your smile on your face.

And stay out of a Ferrari

or any small Italian car.

stay out of them. I wanna tell you that it's been

it's been a wonderful
two thousand years

and you've been a wonderful civilization

and it's been a thrill living for 2,000 years

and eat a nectarine,
is the best food ever made.