The 2000 Year Old Man (1975) Movie Script

About four days ago a plane landed

at Idlewild Airport.

The plane came from the Middle East

bearing a man who claims to be

2000 years old.

He spent the last six

days at the Mayo Clinic.

Ei, sir.

Sir, is it true that you are 2000 years old?

Oh boy.

-Yes.

-You are?

It's hard to believe sir because

in the history of man nobody has

ever lived more than 167 years

wich a man from Peru claimed to be.

But you claim to be 2000?

I'll be, not yet.

I'll be 2000, October 16th.

You will be 2000. When were you born?

We didn't have formal years

and names and writing.

We didn't know. I see.

Nobody kept time.

See, we didn't know.

We didn't write. We just

sat around, pointed in the sky

and said wow hot there wow.

-That's all they said?

-We didn't even know it was the sun.

You really didn't know anything.

Anything, we were so dumb.

We didn't know who was a lady.

-But they were...

-They were with us.

But we didn't know who they was

we didn't know who was the

ladies and who was fellows.

You thought they were

just different type of fellows.

Yes, stronger or smaller or softer.

The softer ones I think

was the ladies all the time.

What about that? How did you find out?

Well, they are cute, a fat guy,

could you could have mistaken him,

soft and cute.

Who is the person who

discovered the female?

Bernie.

Who was Bernie?

Bernie, one of the first leaders of our group.

- And he discovered the female?

- Yeah.

- How did that happen?

- Ladies, ladies here.

I'm very interested to find out

how Bernie discovered the woman.

-Well, he...

-How did he come to find?

One morning

he got up smiling.

So he said:

I think there is ladys here.

I said, well, what do you mean, you know?

He said: 'cause in the night.

I was swelled

and delighted, see?

So he went into such a story that

it's hundreds of years later,

I still blush.

Could you give us the

secret of your longevity?

Well, the major thing.

The major thing.

Is that I never, ever touch ripe food.

I don't eat it.

I wouldn't look at it and I don't touch it.

And and I never run for a bus.

There's always another.

Even if even if you're late for work.

You know, I never run for a bus.

I never ran.

I just stroll, jump it, slowly

walk to the next bus...

Yeah, well but there were

no buses at the time.

- No, in my...

-Right.

In my time ahnn...

What was the means of transportation then?

-Mostly fear.

-Fear transported you?

-Fear yes.

You could see.

A lion, he would would growl,

you would go two miles a minute.

I'd like to find out

about some social customs

the origination of social customs.

For instance, singing how that started?

Oh it stems from fear.

-Could you explain?

-Because in the old days,

I said old days.

I don't mean the georgian cars.

-Did you..

-I mean rocks and caves...

I'm asking you, sir, how song...

Some song came about when

you really had to communicate.

-But in trouble you couldn't say help.

-Yes.

But have to use your mouth.

Yes, I know.

Hello.

-I mean, I wouldn't say help,

I say good morning.

Yes. You're really...

you know you in trouble.

- But somebody said eeeh eeeeh.

-That was the first song.

- I don't know.

- In other words, fear, right?

I was singing.

We thought happiness did.

Oh, and the song came out of it.

A lion is eating my foot off.

Somebody call a cop.

A lion is eating my foot off.

Somebody call a cop.

A lion is eating my foot off.

Somebody call a cop.

A lion is eating my foot of

Somebody call a cop.

Very interesting to hear the derivation of songs

The first songs,

the first songs were

all the anthem songs.

We always thought...

Wanna hear an anthem song?

You had an anthem song?

We had a national anthem.

-What was the anthem?

-Well, ah...

you see, was only fragment...

-Fragment?

-It wasn't a nation.

-Yes.

-It was cave, each cave. Yes.

Each cave had a national anthem.

You remember

the national anthem of your cave?

Ok. I say I'll never forget it.

You don't forget a national

anthem in a minute.

Let them go to the hell

except cave 76.

For instance, how did the custom of

two people shaking hands

how the handshake come to be?

The handshake?

As you know...

I don't,

that's why I'm asking!

The handshake has also

stemmed from fear.

- Everything seems to stem from fear.

- Of course.

Everything we do is based on fear.

-Even love?

-Mainly love.

How can love stem from fear?

What do you need a woman for?

You know what you need for?

-In my time?

-Yes.

To see if an animal is behind yourself,

you had to get eyes

in the back of your head.

you take two eyes

that is to be a lady.

I see.

You say, lady,

you look behind me for a while.

And that was the first...

the first marriages.

What if you take a look

behind me ok?

How long you want?Forever, we are married.

You walked back to back to

the rest of your life?

Yes. You only look at her once in a while,

when you knew you it was safe?

When I knew I was in a highground.

-The handshakes they started how?

-They started to see if

the fellow had a rock

or a dagger in his hand.

Where is you hand?

Hi, Charlie.

How you're doing Jumpy,

where is you hand?

Then you open it

and you look...

And you shook another one.

And that's the way the

handshakes started.

Yes, the shake.

May have a stone or a marble

to stick in your eye.

In the older days

you should get a snap and all.

How the dancing started?

-Dancing is the same thing.

-Fear again?

Just fear. The only thing

you could do with a hand

was to see if there was a rock or a marble

or rubber band or nail or

something that would stick in your head.

Right. Ok.

But while imobilizing my hand

dancing gets to

complete the imobilization.

Dance and keep the feet

busy so he can't get you.

Yes, but I think most people are interested

in living a long and

fruitful life.

-You mentioned?

-Fruit is good food, you mentioned.

Fruit kept me going for 140 years once

when I... was on a very strict diet,

mainly nectarines, I love that fruit

half a peach, half a plum,

such a hell of a fruit.

It's not too cold

Not too hot, you know, just nice.

-What if...

-A rotten one?

That's how much I love. I'd rather eat

a rotten nectarine than a fine plum.

-What do you think about?

-I can understand that.

Yes, that's how much I love them.

-Yes, I can understand, sir.

-Some good things.

What did you do for a living?

Well, many years ago, thousands.

There was no heavy industry.

We know that.

Most things that we

manufactured or we made,

most things we ever made,

was we would make a take a piece of wood

and rub it, rub it

and rub it and rub it

then clean it and look at it

and hit right with it

and hit a tree with it.

-For what purpose?

-Just to keep busy.

There was not. There was absolutely

nothing to do, had no job.

What other jobs were there?

Must've been something

else besides hitting a tree with

the knowledge, hitting a tree with a

piece of stick was already a good job.

You couldn't get that job.

Mainly was sitting and looking in the sky

was a big job

and another job was

watching each other.

-And what language did you speak?

-They spoke...

-Rock, basic rock.

-Years before Hebrew.

Yes. 200 years before Hebrew

was the rock language, the rock talk.

Could you give us an example of that?

Hey, you don't put that rock on me.

Hey, what you do with

the rock?

Do you remember you remember

your Hebrew sir?

Yes, I would just I think I remember fluent...

Because I understand the modern

Hebrew is different from the...

- Yes. The difference in some of the

-phonetic alliteration paterns.

-Yes.

Can we hear an example of the

ancient Hebrew?

A very ancient Hebrew is...

Oh, hi there, hello.

Hello there. How are you.

-Hi. How are you.

-That's English.

-Oh wait, wait.

-You remember any Hebrew?

Very little.

I don't think I remember.

I must have forgot

a great deal of it.

-I think you forgot it all.

-Maybe all, yes.

Maybe all.

Thousands of years since I needed it.

Now, sir, did you ever...

Did you ever have any formal

job as we know it today?

Yeah, well, I was a manufacturer. I was owner.

What kind of a factory did you have?

I had a I used to make the

star of David, Jew stars.

Making a little money?

Where's that? Yeah.

Soon as religion came in, I was

one of the first in that.

I figured this was a good thing.

How did you make them? Did you have tools?

Well, we didn't have a lady.

I employed six men each with a point.

They used to run together

in the middle of the factory

A great speed, it was huge.

They were making a star.

Yes. We would make two a

day because of the many accidents.

Six men running and...

you know.

Lots of accidents.

You never thought

of going into anything else?

Oh, no, I had an offer once.

-It came to me. Simon.

-What Simon asked you to do?

Said he had a new thing, a new item,

a winner, looks like a winning item.

That was gonna be a

big seller is called a cross.

And I looked at it and I turned it over

and looked in all sides of it

and I said, it's simple. It's too simple.

I didn't know then. Element.

-I didn't know with such a

-You turned him down?

and I said, I'm sorry, but I'm too busy.

See, I could have

I could have fired four men,

two men run together, bang,

that is a cross.

Would say that I would

I would have earned

over a hundred dollars doing

that crosses and everything.

Yes, certainly.

Do you have a few moments, sir?

What do you mean? Money or the time.

No, we have to cut way for messages now.

-Okay, let's do it. Is it in English?

-Yes.

By the way, sir, are you married?

I have been married several hundred times.

-Several hundred times?

-Yes.

You haven't, man. Do you

remember all your wives?

-One I remember well.

-Which one was that?

The five one, Shyla.

I remeber her well.

I'm afraid to ask the next question,

you had many hundreds of wives...

-Hundreds and hundreds.

-But how many children you have?

I have over forty two thousand children.

And not one comes to visit me.

It's awful, sir

well, sir, it's really you mean

to say there isn't one daughter...

there's many daughters,

but, but they

you know how they are, children.

Good luck to them, let them go.

I don't want listen, let them

be happy as long they're happy

I don't care. But they could

send a note

write how're you Pop

how you're doing Pop

you know, they don't.

Sir... ahn, you must have known

some great men in your time,

you did travel to...

I knew the greater and the near greater.

Can I ask you about some of these...

Certainly, I'll tell you the true

the true whether

I knew or not.

For instance, people are people are

very interested in

somebody like Joan of Arc.

A lot has been written

about her, we read a lot...

Aah what a kiss.

You knew Joan of Arc?

I went for her, damn it,

I went for her.

Nowhere in history do we know

of Joan going with it anybody.

Well, they don't print everything.

You did marry her? No.

No. I didn't marry her because she was

on a mission.

she used to say to me

she used to say to me,

I've got to save France.

I should say I look.

I've got to wash up. You save France.

See you later after you save France.

I'll wash up, you know.

-How did you...

-Hold it, I... yet.

How did you feel about

her being burned at the stake?

Terrible.

I didn't I didn't know.

Sir, how about some of

the legendary characters

who supposedly might have existed?

For instance, Robin Hood.

-Did he...?

-Oh, yeah. Lovely man.

Ran around in the forest.

Did he really steal from

the rich and give to the poor?

No, he didn't.

He stole from everybody

and kept everything.

Out of the legend?

Out of the legend let's bring up that

he had a fellow monk,

hired a press agent

running all the paper

and roll and scroll.

He takes from the rich

and gives to the poor, who knew?

You knew you took

such a knock in the head

when he robbed you

wouldn't knock him down.

-In other words...

-A tough guy.

I hate to have our legendary figures smashed

Well, I hate do smashing for you.

So much to discuss, for instance,

-somebody like William Shakespeare

-Oh what a pussycat.

-You are saying that you knew

-A pussycat.

You did know it, for instance

Oh, that little beard, that cute hair...

He was reputed,

I guess you are agreeing that he

was the greatest writer of all times.

Oh no, hey, hold up

he was small.

What you mean?

You just said he was great.

-Oh boy!

-And I said he was great...

-No sir.

A cute man and a pussycat.

William Shakespeare

was not a great writer?

Not good writer at all.

He wrote 37 of the greatest.

Shakespeare was not a good writer, no.

He wrote 37 of the greatest.

Would you ever see the

original the first folios?

You mean they were edited by someone else?

Never mind the edit,

did you see the folios?

No, I never saw them.

Did you see?

I saw that folios, your wanna

see how they are?

A blast...

A 'm' you know

that look like a 'D'

an 'M' didn't look like an 'M'

I know that is a 'V'

Every letter was

cockeyed and crazy.

Don't tell me he was a good writer.

The worst printmanship

I ever saw in my life.

What he did?

He did as it was reputed,

he did write 37 of the greatest

plays of...

-38!

-I only know 37.

Would you care to look at this list sir?

These items are listed

come down to the ages.

-You know one that should be there?

-Yes.

What's that?

Queen Alexandra and Morris.

Is there any copy

of this unexistent?

This is a play that I put

invested money in.

Probably the only one that

didn't come to light.

Come to light and closed in Egypt.

Sir, you remember...

you remember any of the dialogue

of Queen Alexandra and Morris?

Queen Alexandra

turn to Morris and said:

Oh, Morris. What could it have

been that I have seen?

Is it not in my marrow or we not have

one on ourselves?

And he would say to her:

What are you hollering?

-Sir, what...

-Wake up the whole castle, you know.

Sir, what did you do 2000

years ago to entertain...

-Walk and wing.

-I want to know wether...

-Were there comedians

-Oh sure sure, we had.

You remember any of the...

2,000 years ago...

A matter of days,

let me see.

I remember one comedian

gave us some laughs

while we were hysterical.

Well, who is he?

Some good laughs.

Murray the Nut.

He gave us a laugh.

A tiger came in the

cave one afternoon.

Soothed in uninvited naturally.

Nobody asked how a

tiger did walk in.

Tiger came in and Murray,

you know, the joker

the tumbling, you know, the Nut

jumps at and grabs

the tiger by the tail

yahaa, yahaa, yahaa...

and the tiger turn around

and ate him in a minute.

and we get histerical

laughing and laughing.

Best joke we ever had.

Oh sir, that's not very funny.

That was all we have, our chaos then

that was all we have.

Terrible, I would consider that...

Have to pass me out,

Murray took the tiger.

-That was entertainment?

-Yes.

I would consider that in the realm

of tragedy rather than comedy.

It's a point of view,

to me tragedy is... is

if I cut my finger, that's tragedy.

It clinch and I cry and I run around

and I go into Mount Sinai

for a day and a half.

I'm very nervous about.

And to me comedy is

if you walk into an open sewer

and die, I like that.

Comedy I say.

-My finger is important.

-Yes

In the 2000 years you've lived,

you've seen a lot of items.

Certainly.

What is the biggest

change you've seen?

In two thousand years the

greatest thing mankind ever devised

I think in my humble opinion is

saran wrap.

You can put a sandwich in it.

You can look through it.

You can touch

you can put over your face

and fool around and everything.

It's so cool

you could wrap up

-You would ate it?

-I love it,

put three olives in it

and put a little one.

can put ten sandwiches

and make up this.

-Whatever you want,

It's clean and it sticks with.

-You equate this with...

-You can look right through.

You equate this with

man's discovery of space?

That was good,

that was good.

-Sir, we ah...

-Yes, yes.

We have to take

time out for message now.

Why do you have

to take time out?

You take the message,

I'll keep talking.

That was a good message.

Well, sir, if we don't have too much more time

but we all here would

like to know your code.

Well, alright, is this it?

A farewell?

-A farewell address.

Hello there. This is 2000 years talking to you

from the depths of back there when we was

now I'm still and they not

and I just want to say

keep your smile on your face.

And stay out of a Ferrari

or any small Italian car.

stay out of them. I wanna tell you that it's been

it's been a wonderful

two thousand years

and you've been a wonderful civilization

and it's been a thrill living for 2,000 years

and eat a nectarine,

is the best food ever made.

The 2000 Year Old Man (1975) - full transcript