That's Not My Dog! (2018) - full transcript

THAT'S NOT MY DOG is a joyous comedy that celebrates our love of joke telling. The film centers around the lovable Shane Jacobson (playing himself) who is throwing a party. Invited are the ...


These two apiarists
were talking to one another,

and one bloke said
to the other, he said,

"How's your bee business
going?"

And he said, "Oh, yeah,
it's going on quite nicely."

And the other fella said,

"How many bees
do you reckon you'd have?"

And he said,
"Oh, roughly 250,000, 300,000."

He said,
"Oh, that's a good number."

He said,
"What about the hives?"

He said, "Well,
I've just put in another one,"

he said,
"so that makes it seven."

He said, "Oh, that's great."

The other fella said,
"What about you?"

And he said, "Well,
as you know," he said,

"I've been doing it
for a long time,

"and Dad was an apiarist
before me."

And he said,
"At the last count,

"I reckon I've got about
2.5 million to 3 million bees."

He said, "3 million?!"
the other bloke said,

and he said, "Yeah."

He said,
"How many hives you got?"

He said, "Oh, just the one."

He said, "3 million bees
and just the one hive?"

He said, "Yeah. Yeah.

"Fuck 'em."

Now, what's this party
all about anyhow, son?

Oh, it's just a party, Dad.

Yeah, I'm told they're gonna
bring some jokes along.

Is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, well,
I've got a couple of jokes.

Yeah, I know you do, Dad.

Yeah. There's this bloke
and his missus and 14 kids,

and they're standing
at a bus stop.

They've got a blind bloke
with them.

The bus pulls up
and the 14 kids get on

and the woman gets on
and the husband goes to get on

and the bus driver said,
"Hey. Whoa. Stop.

"Too many on the bus.
You're gonna have to walk."

So he's left
with the blind bloke.

And the blind bloke said,

"Do you mind
if I walk with you, mate?"

And he said, "Oh, no.
Nothing else can go right.

"You may as well walk with me."

And as the blind bloke's
going along,

he's tapping the ground with
his cane, and the fella said,

"Must you tap that bloody thing
on the ground?

"It's driving me mad."

And he said,
"Well, I'm a blind man.

"It's the way
I find my way along."

And he said, "Well, yeah.

"Couldn't you put some rubber
on your stick?"

The blind man said,

"If you'd have put some rubber
on YOUR stick,

"we'd have both
got on the fuckin' bus."

Remember the first limerick
you told me,

when I was about eight?

"Mary had a little dress
with a slit right up one side.

"Every time she bent over,
the boys could see her thighs.

"Mary had another dress,
with a slit right up the front.

"She didn't wear that much."

You weren't eight.

He was fuckin' seven.

So, the invite said don't bring
food and don't bring booze -

just bring
your three favourite jokes.

So,
did you hear the one about

the, um...the three
lesbian hitchhikers

walk into a Shane Jacobson
party?

What?!

I'm looking forward to this.
Thanks for the lift, darling.

Yeah.

This is like
Driving Miss Daisy.

Are you, um...have you got
a gag worked out?

I'm nervous about telling it.

- Can I try it out on you?
- Yep.

Hey, we're not far.
We're looking for Clarkefield.

I wanna beat you this time.

Well, you got
your bike licence?

No.

Hey, Craigs. How are you, mate?

Jaco. How are you, brother?

- Good, mate. Yourself?
- Bloody well.

Might need
a bit more than that.

- Come on, mate.
I also brought the ute.

Ute?

Yeah, I reckon
that should do it.

Newly married couple just
home from their honeymoon.

Yeah?

First time in their
marital home together,

and he goes up to the bathroom,

and he comes down and he says,

"There's a dead horse
in the bath."

And she says, "Well,
I never said I was neat."

A pie walks into a bar.

- A pie?
- A pie.

Well, see, that doesn't make
sense. A pie wouldn't walk.

I've got a joke for you.

- You wanna hear it?
- Yes.

This guy goes to a supermarket,
right,

and he gets up to
the checkout line.

Gets a half a loaf of bread,
half a pint of milk

and half a dozen eggs,

and a Playboy magazine.

And the checkout chick goes,

"Hey, you're single,
aren't you?"

And he goes, "Well,
how did you know?"

She goes, "Well,
you're pretty fuckin' ugly."

A pie walks into a bar
and the barman says,

"Sorry,
we don't serve food here."

So,
there's this elderly couple.

They're driving home, and this
cop pulls them over, see?

Puts down his window,
and goes around

and the cop says to the bloke,

"Were you aware that you're
doing 80 in a 60 zone?"

And the wife says,
"What'd he say?"

He says, "He says
I was doing 80 in a 60 zone."

Says, "Can I have your licence,
please?"

"What did he say?"

He said,
"He wants to see my licence."

So the cop looks at the licence

and says,
"Oh, you're from Ballarat.

He says, "Christ, I had
the worst sex in my life

"in Ballarat."

She says, "What did he say?"

He says,
"He thinks he knows you."

Dad, did I tell you about

the blonde girl
that walks into a library

and said, "Can I have
a hamburger, please?"

He said,
"Darling, this is a library."

She said, "Oh, I am sorry."

"Can I have
a hamburger, please?"

Well, Dad, I reckon
we're just about right to go.

♪ Well, strap yourself in

♪ Hang on for the ride

♪ Dirt's gonna fly

♪ And the ground's gonna shake
tonight

♪ Well,
you don't have to look far

♪ 'Cause it's right here
in your backyard

♪ There's a hundred tracks
across our land

♪ They call home

♪ This fearless band
of dirt track

♪ Dirt track cowboys

♪ Dirt track cowboys

♪ Mudslinging outlaws

♪ This ain't no
Hollywood star wars

♪ It's the real deal,
open wheel

♪ Dirt track cowboys

♪ Well... ♪

- How are you, mate?
- Good.

Alright, well,
I've got one for you.

There's three old blokes,
having a drink in a pub,

which they do semi-regularly,

and they're getting on a bit,
and one of them said,

"What do you reckon
is the most dangerous thing

"that ever happened
in your life, Trev?

"When was the moment you
thought you were gonna die?"

And he said, "Oh,"
he said, "well, for me,"

he said, "as you know, I'm 90
now, and I feel blessed,"

he said, "but I had an old
car," he said. "Model-T."

And he said, "Couldn't afford
to put tyres on the bastard,"

he said, "so every time
it went round a corner,

"after a while
you were kinda more trying

"to keep the thing
from crashing into a tree

"than drive the thing.

"Anyway, one day it went
off the side of the road

"and it did what I always
thought it might do - rolled,

"and it rolled
about three or four times.

"We didn't have belts then."

He said, "Pretty lucky
to get out of that alive.

"I thought I was gonna die."

And I said, "Oh, fair enough.
Fair enough."

With that, old Richo says,
"Well, I'll be honest."

He said, "As you know,
for a while," he said,

"I used to work making bridges,
and we're in a country town,

"building a pretty decent
bridge, to be honest."

He said,
"It was a rail bridge."

And he said,
"We got to the point

"where both sides almost met."

And he said, "But, you know,

"we made a few mistakes
here and there.

"Can happen. Human error."

And he said,
"The bridge started to go down.

"I had to ride the thing down.
A fair way - 20, 30 metres."

He said,
"I thought I was a goner."

He said, "So, that was the day
I thought I'd die."

And he said, "But, hey, still
here. We're still here, mate."

And with that, they said,
"Oh, Morrie.

"What about you, Morrie?"

He said, "Oh," he said,
"as you know," he said,

"I'm the oldest
out of the group.

"At 96, I'm going alright,"
he said.

"But," he said, "when we were
fighting in the Congo..."

He said, "We were there once."

He said...and he said,
"A whole bunch of reeds.

"Pretty...pretty thick,
dense stuff, it was.

"Everything looked green.
We were wearing green.

"Couldn't tell each other
from a plant."

And he said, "Anyway, there was
this noise, and we all froze,"

and he said, "and we're
staring inside this grass,"

and he said,
"and there's a massive tiger!"

"Came out and went 'Raaah'!"

"Just shit myself."

And they said, "Oh, mate,
that's alright. I understand.

"If a tiger jumped out at me,
I would've shat myself."

He said, "No,
not then in the Congo -

"just then
when I went 'Raaah'."

I just..."

"..shat myself."

♪ Don't need to hurry

♪ Or worry about tomorrow, baby

♪ It's gonna be OK... ♪

A guy goes into a hardware shop

and he goes,
"A bottle of turps,"

and the guy goes, "No. No, no.

"You're a dero. You'll be
drinking that. I can see it."

And he said, "No,
I'm...you know,

"decorating the house,
you know?"

He said, "No, no.
Look at your face.

"You're all bloodshot.
You'll be drinking that."

He said, "I'm telling you,
I'm decorating the house.

"I'm stripping the door.
I need a bottle of turps.

"Give me a bottle of turps,
alright?"

Guy reaches round
to get a bottle of turps

and he goes, "Oh, couldn't get
one from the fridge, could I?"

♪ It's gonna be OK, OK... ♪

So this guy goes to
the confessional, OK,

and the priest says...

- Are we gonna go him?
- Yeah, yeah.

The priest says...

He says,
"Father, I have sinned."

And the priest says,
"Oh, tell me your sins, son."

Although he's 90 years old,
this guy.

And he said, "Well, Father,
I have been...

"I have sex with 19-year-old."

Oh.

And the priest said,
"Hell, that IS a sin."

And he tells him
to say five Hail Marys.

And before he left, he said,
"I don't recognise your voice.

"Are you from this parish?"

And the guy says, "No, Father.

"I'm actually from...I'm
Jewish. I'm from synagogue."

And he said, "Have you told
anyone else about this?"

He said,
"I'm telling everybody."'

That's nice. That's nice.

♪ It's gonna be OK, OK
Yeah... ♪

- A moth...
- Yeah?

Alright?

..walks into
a podiatrist's office.

Alright?
This actually happened.

This is a true story.
This is not a made-up one.

Alright?

A moth walks
into a podiatrist's office,

and the podiatrist says,
"Yeah, come in and take a seat.

"Uh...what seems to be
the problem?"

And the moth says, "What's NOT
the problem, Doctor?

"What is NOT the problem?

"Every morning I wake up

"next to a woman who
I have fallen out of love with.

"I don't love her anymore.

"I don't even
know her anymore, Doc."

"Help me."

"I've got my youngest,
who is just so...

"I hate him so much, because
every time I look in his eyes,

"I see the same cowardice
that I see

"when I look in my own eyes."

"I've lost my job.
I've lost my marriage.

"I lost my child
in the winter."

"It was a very cold time.
Moths don't handle cold well."

What purpose does he have?

"What purpose do I have, Doc?"

Doctor looks at him and says...

"Just...

"You need help.
You need to see a psychiatrist.

"But I've got to ask -
why did you come and see me?"

And the moth says,
"The light was on."

- The light was on.
- You bastard!

The light was on.

- He's a moth.
- Yeah, we get it, we get it.

I bought a thesaurus today.

Not only was it terrible,
it was also terrible.

I went for a job interview.

The bloke said, "Describe
yourself in three words."

I said,
"Not good with numbers."

I can't stand Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

I joined a club for people
with Tourette's syndrome.

Took four hours
to get sworn in.

♪ Here's to the people
that I'd like to thank

♪ You drink to me
and I'll drink to you

♪ Let's drink together
but before we do

♪ If we die tonight

♪ That'd be alright

♪ 'Cause we had
one hell of a ride... ♪

I've got an animal
one. I've got an animal one.

We're in a theme of animals,
so...

This penguin
decides to take himself

for a drive to the seaside.

And just as he approaches
the water, his car conks out.

So, he knows there's
a mechanic's around the corner

and he pushes his car to
the mechanic's and says,

"Could you find out...
I don't know what's happened.

"It's just conked out.
I don't know what's going on."

The mechanic's like,
"I'm a bit busy.

"If you can go for a walk
for half an hour, come back,

"I'll have a look and let you
know what's going on."

So the penguin takes
himself for a little waddle.

Gets down by the water,
paddles about in the sun.

Looks at his watch -
it's almost been half an hour.

Makes his way
back to the mechanic's

and gets himself a nice little
vanilla ice-cream on the walk.

He's having a lovely time. This
is the whole point of the trip.

And he gets back

and the mechanic's
having a look under his bonnet,

and the penguin rocks up
and says to him,

"Oh, so what's wrong
with my car? What's going on?"

And the mechanic pops his head
out from under the bonnet,

looks at him and goes,
"Oh, you've blown a seal."

And the penguin goes, "Oh, no,
no - just had an ice-cream."

Haaaa!

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na-na-na, na-na-na,
na-na-na, na

♪ Na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na,
na-na, na-na. ♪

Well, I've got a good one too.

Well, there's a pub in Sydney
called the Harbour View,

and it's a wharfies' pub,

and there's a regular group
that hits there Friday nights.

I used to too sometimes.

Anyway, there's a guy -
Tommy was his name.

He was a wharfie,
and he was a regular,

and he just suddenly stopped
coming in, you know?

Sort of talked about him
for a while,

and about six months later,
he turns up in a Ferrari.

A brand-spanking-new Ferrari.

And strolls into the pub,

done up like, you know,
a million dollars.

Struttin' diamonds
and all sorts of things.

So, I say, "What...what
the hell happened, Tommy?

He said,
"You wouldn't believe this."

He said,
"I bought one of them sheds,"

he said, "that you buy
for...prefabricated."

He said,
"You know, about 120 bucks."

He said, "I put it up
in the backyard.

"And I spend a bit of time
in it, in my tool shed,

"so I put a window in it."

He said, "I put this
vinyl stuff," he said,

"It's like off a caravan."

"But I put the window in it,"

and he said, "My neighbour
next door looked over

"and saw the shed and he said,
'That's a beauty,' he said.

"'Where'd you get it?'

"And I said, you know,
'I put it together myself.'"

"And he said, 'I'd love
to have a shed like that.'

"He said,
'How much do you want for it?'

"And I...I didn't want
to sell it, you know?

"120...Cost me about 150."

"And he said, 'Oh, you know,
300 bucks.'

"And he said, 'Sold.'"

And he grabs the shed off him
for 300 bucks, you know?

And thought, "Oh, good."

"So I went and bought another
bigger, better shed

"and I put two windows in it,
you know?

"And I sort of...and the...

"..the guy that lived at the
back looked over the fence

"and said, 'Gee, that's terrific.
Where did you get that?"

"And I said, 'Oh, I built it.
It's a prefab thing.'

"He said,
'How much do you want for it?'

"I said, 'You can't buy them,
you know? I made it.'

"He said, 'I've wanted
something like that

'all my life.'

"He said, 'Oh...I'll
give you 500 for it.'

"Sold. You know?
'Cause it cost me about 220.

"And so I thought,
'I'm onto something here,'

"so I buy the big...
the $420 one.

"You know, I'm starting to put
a window in it," and he said,

"then I get a call, and, um...
my favourite uncle died.

"He left me nine million quid.

"And I said,
'Oh, fuck the sheds.'"

♪ And my baby
is waitin' for me... ♪

Shit's dripping
out of me collar!

♪ Harley and Rose were reunited

♪ This time they said it was

♪ It was for real

♪ Take it all back
to where it started

♪ He would melt her heart

♪ Her heart of steel

♪ Life is
a bitter disappointment

♪ You would hear
young Harley say

♪ If you find something
that's more important

♪ I will not stand in your way

♪ Static on a dial

♪ A look comes back in style

♪ Harley and Rose,
they just lost it for a while

♪ Harley claimed
there was no lover

♪ Nothing in bloom... ♪

Alright, I've got...I've got
one for you, right?

Hit us.

OK. So there's...there's this
inflatable boy, right?

And, uh...he leaves home
one day.

Leaves his inflatable house,
his inflatable family,

and he goes to
his inflatable school.

And he's in class one day,

and it's all
the inflatable students,

and the inflatable teacher.

But he's a bit of a ratbag,
this kid.

He's a bit of a ratbag.

And during lunchtime, he's
in the inflatable playground,

and he sneaks off for a smoke.

Right?

And one of the inflatable
teachers catches him.

Says, "Right! You're busted.
You can't smoke at school.

"You're getting detention."

And the inflatable boy
loses it.

He's a loose cannon, this kid.
He loses it.

Pulls a knife
out of his pocket, right?

And he stabs
the bloody teacher.

- No.
- The inflatable teacher,

and the teacher
goes, pfff-pfft, like this.

And then the headmaster
comes out to nab him,

and goes more crazy
and he stabs the school.

And the school goes
pfft-pfft like this.

And he runs off home.

And his parents go,
"What are you doing here?

"You should be at school.

"You've been misbehaving
your whole life.

"This is a disgrace."

And he stabs his mum
and stabs his dad,

the inflatable mum and dad, and
they both pfft-pfft like that.

And then the police
come to arrest him, right?

And the police
are coming to arrest him.

And then he stabs himself,
and he goes pfft-pfft,

and the police grab him
and rush him to hospital.

And he's laying
in his hospital bed,

and they stitch him up
at the hospital

and eventually he comes to, and
he goes, "Oh, what's happened?"

And the police are there
and they go, "Son...

"..you've let your school down,
you've let your parents down,

"you've let yourself down... "

Rob can relate to that,

because he's met a lot of
inflatable women in his life.

And I let 'em all down.

Didn't you?

Here's one. Here's one.

Young woman,
and she's going to the doctor.

It's time for her first
pap smear,

and she's understandably
nervous.

How would you know?

Well, I'm just a sensitive guy
and I understand these things.

Rob pretended to be
a doctor for years.

So there's this young woman
and she's off to the doctor's.

It's her first pap smear.
She's very nervous.

Um...
and so she's lying down the bed

and she got her trousers down,
her pants down, her legs open.

And for the doctor,
he's a professional

and he can sense
that she's nervous.

And he looks over
and very sensitively he says,

"Would you like me
to numb it for you?"

And she says, "Yes, please."

So he goes, "Ah, num, num, num.

"Ah, num, num, num."

My doctor does that too.

Is it Doctor...
Do you see Doctor Rob?

♪ This is my time...

Yeah! Yeah!

♪ Whoa-oh

♪ Whoa-oh-oh

♪ Uh-huh

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh

One more time!

You know, I could count

the amount of times I've been
to Chernobyl on one hand.

Seven.

I asked my North Korean friend
how it was over there.

He said he couldn't complain.

You know that cyclist,
Lance Armstrong?

Wasn't bad enough
he was taking drugs,

but he was also pedalling.

The difference between
a hippo and a Zippo

is that one's very heavy...

..and the other one's
a little lighter.

Speaking of Lance Armstrong...
Saw an interview with him.

He was lying that much

I'm starting to doubt if he
ever did land on the moon.

Hmm.

You have to hand it
to blind prostitutes.

♪ You can't get enough
Too many mouths to feed

♪ Ain't life tough

♪ Call this survival

♪ Don't pray for a sign... ♪

Irish guy goes to
a job at a building site.

The foreman says,
"I'll do an IQ test.

"What's black and leather
and got five fingers?"

He said, "Black leather, five
fingers... Ooh, I don't know."

He says, "A glove, Paddy."

He says, "Oh, of course.
Jeez, I'm stupid."

"OK, what's black leather,
got 10 fingers?"

He says,
"Black leather...10 fingers.

"Black...
Ooh, I wouldn't have a clue."

"Two gloves, Paddy. "

He goes,
"For God's sake, of course.

"I'm an idiot, total idiot."

He says, " Come on,
let's try something else.

"Who's the President of
the United States of America?"

He goes, "President
of the United States...

"President..."

He says, "It wouldn't be
three gloves, Benny?"

There's these three people
who are in training to be CIA.

Yeah?

And they got to
their final test,

to see who's gonna go through
and become CIA.

First guy...

The CIA say to him...they
give him a handgun and say,

"We wanna see
how committed you are.

"Want you to go into that room,
shoot your wife."

And he..."Are you committed?"
"Yeah, I'm committed."

He goes in,
there's no noise for a while...

Then he comes back out

and he has tears down his face,
you know?

He goes,
"I can't kill her. I cannot.

"I can't be in the CIA."

You know? "Good." He goes.

Next guy comes up.

Say, "We need to check how
committed you are

"about being in the CIA.

"Want you to go in there.
Here's a handgun.

"You're gonna shoot your son."

Goes, "Yep, alright.
I'm committed."

Goes in there, can hear a bit
of talking, bit of whimpering,

and then he comes out,
"I can't. He's me son!

"He's me life!
He's me fucking life.

"Nothing's more important."

"Yeah, alright, mate. OK."

Next one's a woman.

They said, "We need to know how
committed you are to the CIA.

"Here's a handgun.

"You're gonna
go into that room -

"you're gonna shoot
your husband.

"You know, are you committed?"

She's like, "I'm committed."

She goes in, shut the door.

Hear...

And then a lot of bang! Bang!

It's just bang, bang, noise...

Until it's quiet.

She comes in.

She says, "I didn't know you
had fucking blanks in the gun.

"I had to finish him off
with a chair!"

Yeah.

♪ Seen them tumble it down

♪ I've seen red rivers,
fire and steel

♪ I feel the thunder
chained to the wheel

♪ I heard the legend,
I watched skies... ♪

This mate of mine,
he's a bit of a stoner.

- Right.
- So I was with him in the car,

and we got kind of pulled
over by the cops,

and he'd done, like, 10 bongs
before we got in the car.

He didn't think he was gonna
get drug tested, or whatever.

So the cop kind of, you know,
looks in at him

and he's like that, you know?

And the cop says, "Have you
been taking any drugs?"

He smiles.

He knocks on the window again
and he goes,

"How high are you?"

And my mate goes,
"Ah, you fucked that up, mate.

"You're supposed to say,
'Hi. How are you?'"

♪ Oh, man

♪ Chained to the wheel

♪ You know you'll find me, baby

♪ Ow! ♪

This guy's soon to be married.

Dearly loves
his partner...fiancee.

Wants to do nothing wrong
by her.

Lived a very decent life,
as has she.

But his mates wanna throw
a bucks' night.

So they throw a bucks' night,
and they get this girl...

They've paid her
the top dollar.

They booked the platinum
package. He's unaware of it.

Anyway,
he's never been with a woman.

The night happens, they bring
her out, they strip him naked.

She's doing a dance.
Everyone's having a great time.

She's up on the table.
He's getting excited.

He doesn't know what to do.

And she gets up on the table,

and all his friends pick up the
table, they're having a ball.

But they lose grip of the table.
Leg snaps, it goes off sideways.

She comes off and breaks the
erectile tissue in his penis.

- Ah!
- Ooh...

Bad night out for Trev.

So...next morning,
the day of the wedding,

he goes to the doctor
and says "I've...

"I don't know what to do.
It's got a bend in it.

"I didn't even know
if it has a bone."

He goes, "It doesn't have
a bone. It's erectile tissue."

He goes, "It's crooked.
What can you do?

"I can't have my wife see this.
I didn't want this.

"They made me drink... "

He said, "Look, all I can do...
There's nothing else I can do,

but we've gotta
get on to this -

"otherwise it will be
at right angles

"for the rest of your life."

He said, "Unless you wanna have
sex around corners,

"or you lay on the floor
and she stays on the bed

"and around it goes."

He said,
"We're gonna have to...

"All I can do is traditional -
put it in a splint."

So they get a few bits of wood,

he puts it either side
and he straps it up.

He said, "That's all I can do,

"and it's gonna have to stay
like that for about 48 hours."

He doesn't know what to do.

So the wedding happens -
it's great.

The reception, fantastic.

Back they go to the room.

It's time for the...what
happens, you know. First night.

Finish the marriage off
properly.

She goes in.
She's in there getting ready.

And he's thinking, "What am I
gonna do? What I gonna do?"

He's down to his underpants,

but he's got the two splints

and the bit of bandaging
around it.

And she comes out with a robe,
walks out,

and she looks beautiful.

Takes the robe off
and drops it and says,

"Darling, as you know, I've
been with you for 10 years,

"and I've saved myself for you,
and you alone.

"No-one ever has been near
my private... It's for you."

He thinks, "Here's my chance."

He goes,
"You reckon that's good?" Bang!

"This isn't even out of the
crate yet!"

The old broken wang story.

♪ All I really need to know

♪ Is you and me are good to go

♪ Riding down a summer road

♪ Oh-oh-oh... ♪

This guy's up north,
and he walking past.

- He's in Darwin, right.
- Yep, yep, yep.

He's walking past, and
he sees this sign, and it says,

"Convention" -
"Ghost Convention".

So he says,
"Oh, ghost convention?"

So he's gone in
to check it out.

There's a guy up on stage,
all serious.

He goes, "Right!

"Anyone out there that's ever
seen a ghost in their life,

"put up your hand!"

About 800 people put up their
hand, going, "Yeah, we have."

"Be quiet.
We got a lot to get through."

"Anyone out there that's
never seen a ghost, say no."

About 500 people
put up their hand.

They're all going like this.

He says, "Be quiet -
we got a lot to get through."

"Anyone ever seen
a naked ghost?"

About 200 of them
probably put up their hand.

Going, "Oh, yeah, we have."

He said, "Be quiet -
we got a lot to get through."

"Anyone ever had sex
with a ghost?"

Place goes dead quiet.

All of a sudden, one bloke up
the back puts up his hand

and says, "Yeah, I have."

He says, "What's your name?"
He says, "Barry."

He says,
"Barry, come up on the stage.

"Now, tell me,
and tell the crowd -

"what's it like
to have sex with a ghost?"

He said, "Ghost?
I thought you said 'goat'."

The head of the Japanese
air force comes out

and addresses
all of the Japanese pilots

towards the end of the
Second World War, and he says,

"Men...you must go now
to your Zero aeroplanes...

"..and you must
get in the planes,

"which have been loaded
with TNT.

"You must fly out,
over the Pacific,

"and smash your aeroplanes
into the American fleet,

"sinking the ships
and saving Japan.

"You will be known as...
the kamikaze.

"Now, before you go...
are there any questions?"

And one little pilot
at the back shouts...

"Are there
any fucking questions?!"

So there's a blonde standing
on one side of the river,

and another blonde

standing way over
the other side of the river.

And the first blonde
shouts out,

"Hey! How do I get
to the other side?"

And the other blonde shouts
back...

.."You are on the other side!"

That's nice.

♪ I spent the summer
with my North Coast girlfriend

♪ The aftermath
of a psychotic reaction

♪ I split the city
and my soul called good friends

♪ I've been afflicted
by a coastal attraction

♪ We stopped in craft markets
looking for potions

♪ We take our leather jackets
down to the ocean

♪ 'Cause things are sweeter
with a side of emotions

♪ A million backpackers
slapping on the lotion

- ♪ Everything's amazing
- ♪ Everything's amazing

♪ Oh, everything's incredible

♪ Everything's incredible... ♪

There was these four nuns,
right?

And they're driving a car,
and they crash and they die,

and they get up to Heaven,

they start walking through
Heaven's gate.

And St Peter's there going,

"Oh, hey...what are you doing?
What are you doing?"

They go, "We're nuns.
We're members."

And St Peter's going,
"No, no, no, no.

"You have to answer
a question first."

So the first nun comes up -
St Peter goes,

"Have you ever touched
a man's penis?

And the first nun goes,
"Nah, nah. Never, never."

And St Peter goes,
"Look, you can't lie to me.

"I know everything.

And the first nun goes,
"Well...with this finger once."

"I sort of gave one a bit of
a prod...once, right?"

St Peter's, "Oh, fuck!

"Tell you what -
wash it in holy water.

"You can come through."

The second nun comes up.

St Peter goes, "Have you
ever touched a man's penis?"

And the second nun goes,
"Well, with this hand once.

"I sort of gave one a bit of
a... ..you know?"

St Peter goes, "Fuck!

"Tell you what -
wash it in holy water,

"and you can come through."

And the fourth nun
jumps the queue,

pushes the third nun
out of the way,

and St Peter's going, "What are
you doing? What are doing?"

And the fourth nun goes,
"Listen, mate -

"if you think I'm gonna
wash my mouth in that

"after she's
washed her arse in it,

"you got another thing coming."

♪ Everything's incredible... ♪

St Peter says fuck.

♪ The pleasure's indescribable

♪ I'm pinning my survival
on you... ♪

So a guy...he finds himself...

He's been sailing.

..washed up
on a deserted island.

And he gets captured
by a tribe.

And the chief is there.
He's not happy.

And he says to his captive,

"You have...two choices!

"One..."

This is a good accent too.

I was gonna say.
Yeah, so far.

"One...is death.

"Or two...is bunga-bunga!"

He's like, "Whoa. Death?

"I certainly don't want death.

"Well, what's bunga-bunga?"

He said, "Oh, bunga-bunga...

"..is when we all...ALL...all
of us fuck you up the arse."

He's like, "Oh.
Well, the other one's death.

"I guess I'll go with
bunga-bunga."

And so the chief addresses
his tribe

and he says, "OK!

"It is death by bunga-bunga!"

♪ ..good times and
your betrayals, and for what?

♪ We'll never stop the rot
We'll never stop the rot

♪ Hey

♪ We went to
northern New South Wales

♪ We booked a cabin,
saw the whales

♪ Thanks a lot

♪ We'll never stop the rot

♪ Can't tell you what we got

♪ My confidence is shot... ♪

This guy and his wife,
they've got a pet skunk, right?

And, like, every day
they walk this skunk.

They love the skunk, right?

But they decide one day...

They're walking the skunk,

and they want to go to
this pub for a drink.

But there's this big sign up -
'no pets allowed'.

So the guy says to his wife,

"Just put it down your pants.
No-one will know."

And she turns to her husband
and says,

"But what about the smell?"

And he says, "Look,
if it dies, it fucking dies."

♪ I try so hard
to pin you down...

♪ We'll never stop the rot. ♪

- Uh...you enjoy a good joke?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I got one for you.

Just one I've had
for a while now.

This rather slow-thinking fella

hadn't been to the toilet
for a week,

and, uh...he goes to see
the local doctor,

and tells the doctor,
and the doctor says,

"Look, I'll prescribe
these capsules.

"I want you to go home

"and put one in your back
passage each day,

"and come and see me
in a week's time."

OK.

Bloke goes back
in a week's time.

He's all swollen up in the face
and bloated in the stomach,

and the doctor said,
"How'd you go?"

He said...he said, "No good."

He said, "I haven't had a shit
for another week."

The doctor says,
"That's strange."

He said, "Did you put those
capsules in your back passage?"

- Mm-hm.
- He says, "Yeah.

"I put 'em in the back passage,
the front passage,

"the lounge room..."

He said,
"I even put one on the veranda,

"and for all the good
they've done me,

"I may as well have
shoved 'em up me arse!"

- OK.
- OK.

Young lady goes into a pet
shop. Another pet shop.

She goes in and the pet shop
owner comes up and goes,

"Are you OK?"

She goes, "Oh, I'm kind
of a bit lonely and I want...

"I'm looking for a dog,
little puppies, kinda cute.

"Looking for kittens.
I'm not sure."

And he goes, "I've got just
the thing for you

"if you are, in fact, lonely."

And he brings out
this little frog.

She goes, "Oh. Frog.
I'm not sure..."

And he goes,
"No, no, I'll just tell you.

"This frog gives the best
oral sex in the world."

And she goes, "Oh. Does it?"

And he goes, "But of course if
you want to get the puppy dog,

"if you want to get
a kitten..."

"No, no, no, I might take
the frog. Thank you very much."

So she purchases the frog,
she takes it home,

she strips off, she gets
on the bed, straight into it.

And puts the frog down, front
and centre, between the legs,

and waits.

Nothing happens.

She waits and waits.
Still nothing happens.

She gets on the phone,
she rings up the pet shop,

she goes, "Ah, I got the frog.
I did all the thing.

"I got it ready.
And it's not doing a thing."

The pet shop says,
"Where do you live?

"I'll come straight over."

He's there within 10 minutes.

"Alright,"
and he comes in and he goes,

"OK. Show me exactly
what you tried to do."

So the woman strips naked, down
on the bed, spreads the legs,

puts the frog down between
the legs, and goes, "See?

"Absolutely nothing is
happening."

Pet shop owner goes over, leans
into the frog and goes, "OK!

"I'll show you this
one more time."

Ah, there's a guy,
he brings his dog in

and he says to the barman,
he says,

"I'll bet you that my dog
can talk

"but you have to shout me
the night.

"I get to drink for free
all night

"if I can prove
my dog can talk."

Says, "Right."

Says to the dog, he says,

"Who won the 1927 World Series
for the Mets with...

"Who was the greatest baseball
player of all time?"

He says, "Rowf!" "Yes! Babe
Ruth! Babe Ruth! See? See?"

And the barman goes,

"No, no, no. You've got to do
better than that."

And he says to the dog, he
says, "Hey, dog. What's that?

"What's that above us
right there?"

And the dog goes, "Rowf!"

And then the barman goes,
"No, this is bullshit.

"You're trying...
This is a scam."

Throws them both out
on the street.

And the dog turns to the owner
and says,

"Jeez, he was a bit nasty."

So a sexy woman comes
out of the bathroom in a bar

and she walks up the bar and
she says to the bartender...

.."Can I speak to the manager?"

In a really sexy voice.

And he's like,
"Manager's not here tonight."

And she goes, "Can you give him
a message for me?"

He goes, "OK."
He's thinking, "Alright.

"What's she got to say?"

She grabs him by the scruff
and pulls him closer

and she says,
"Can you tell him,"

as she runs her hands
around his face

and she gently brushes his lips
and his tongue...

She just catches his tongue
with her finger.

"Can you tell him

"that there's no toilet paper,
soap or hand towel

"in the bathroom?"

- Sorry, Johnny.

- No, I was very happy...
Happy to be part of that act.

- Well played, John.
- Yes, thank you.

Good bar manager.
Good bar manager.

Saw a sign,
"Welcome to Autopsy Club.

"It's Wednesday night,
which is Open Mike night."

I just finished reading
this book on anti-gravity.

I couldn't put it down.

I got in a water fight with the
local kids outside my house.

I won.

Completely misunderestimated me
and my kettle.

♪ From outer mountains
strawberry city

♪ They were outrageously
unstoppable

♪ Selling out

♪ They got a right to be

♪ Owning all the highway
towns on the way

♪ I was in love
with the singer

♪ She could turn shit
into sunshine

♪ They are the crème de la
crème de la crème

♪ They are the crème
de la crème de la crème

♪ Killing a pig from the start
to the end

♪ They're the crème
de la crème...

This guy's reading through
the local rag

and comes across this article
in the paper

that says there's a talking dog
for sale for $25.

And of course he thinks
it's a load of shit

but it's, like,
23 Johnson Street.

He's thinking, "This is just
round the corner."

So he's like, "I've got to find
out what the scam is.

"It's worth a two-block walk."

So walks around,
knocks on this guy's door.

He said, "Read an article
in the paper

"you got a talking dog
for $25."

He said,
"Yeah. It's around the back.

"Go and see if you like it."

So he goes round the back.
"He won't bite you. He's fine."

The guy goes round the side,
opens the side gate.

There's a dog there.
He walks in and goes, "Right.

"You're the talking dog,
are you?"

The dog goes, "Yep.

"Yeah, no,
I'm the talking dog."

The guy said, "You're talking."
He said, "Yeah.

"The boss put that
in the article, didn't he?"

He said, "Well, yeah,
he did

"but I didn't believe
it's true."

He said, "Oh, there you go.
I'm a talking dog."

He said,
"What do you wanna know?"

He said, "Oh, well,
I thought it was a joke

"so I don't want to know
anything, really.

"But if you're a talking dog

"I'd be interested in having
you come and live with me.

"I could do with some company."
He said, "Alright."

He said, "Are you
a man of the world?"

The guy said,
"What do you mean?"

He said, "Well, have you travelled?
Have you been to Germany?"

The guy said, "Ah, no,
I haven't."

He said, "Fantastic place,
Germany."

He said, "Seriously, great
beer, as you probably know,

"and, yeah, there's
the sausages and all that."

"But it's just
an amazing place."
Have you been to
Switzerland?"

The guy said, "Look, to be honest,
I haven't travelled much at all."

He said,
"Switzerland is amazing.

"Look, we can talk about that

"but honestly the scenery is
second to none."

He said, "Have you been through
Asia at all?"

And he said, "Not really."

He said, "Anyway, we got plenty
we can talk about.

"No need to waste it all now."

He said, "Go and do the deal
with the boss

"and I guess we're going to be
mates.

"I'm looking forward to it."

And he said, "OK. Fantastic."

Goes round the front and
he says to the guy, "25 bucks?"

The guy goes, "Yep, 25 bucks."
He goes, "Alright."

He said, "I gotta ask,
it's a talking dog.

"Why on earth would you sell it
for 25 bucks?" He said, "Ahhh."

He said, "I'm sick of the lies,
mate."

He said, "He's never been
out of the fucking backyard."

♪ They are the crème
de la crème de la crème

♪ They are the crème
de la crème de la crème

♪ I was running away
from the side to the end

♪ For the crème
de la crème de la crème. ♪

Went for a job as an echo.

Still waiting to hear back
from 'em.

I wonder if the Wright Brothers
knew

how much their invention
would take off.

This weightlifting woman
went into the doctor.

She said "I've taken that many
steroids I've grown a dick."

He said, "Anabolic?"
She said, "No, just a dick."

My friends tell me
I'm too condescending.

That means I talk down
to people.

My wife said, "Sex is better
on holidays."

Worst postcard ever.

♪ All I want is a brand-new
pair of shoes

♪ 'Cause the ones that I've got

♪ They've got holes
about as big as the moon

♪ Feel like a dog
all covered in fleas

♪ The more I scratch
the less I ease

♪ People keep telling me
money don't grow on trees...

There's this jumbo jet,

Aer Lingus, Irish airline,

flying into the new landing
runway...

- Sure.
- ..at Dublin Airport.

They come out of
the cloud bank.

Real low.
Close to the ground.

They realise, "Oh, no. Oh, no.

"We're so close
and it's such a short runway.

"The runway is too short.
It'll never work."

But they land, they hit the
tarmac.

And they're putting
on the brakes

and the flaps and the engines
in reverse

and the passengers
in the back, they're going,

"Oh, no! To be sure!
To be sure!

"We'll never survive!
We'll never survive!"

And the aeroplane stops
one millimetre away

from the end of the runway.

And the captain says,
"Those fools!

"This runway is way too short."

And the co-pilot says, "Yeah.

"But look how wide it is."

The circus comes to town

and a man goes up to
the circus manager's office

and he says, "I'd like to apply
for the position

"you had advertised
as a contortionist."

And the circus manager says,

"OK, well, how flexible
are you?"

He says,
"Well, I can't do Thursdays."

So there's this old guy, he's
dying and his wife's with him.

He's really old.

And he goes,
"Martha," to his wife.

"Martha.

"I remember we came out
from the old country, Martha.

"And we crossed the border.
We had nothing, Martha.

"We crossed the border.
I got shot in the shoulder.

"Martha, you were with me.

"And then we created a new life
here.

"We built up a company
from nothing. The factory.

"And then it burns to
the ground.

"You remember that, Martha?
You were with me.

"And then I get the polio,
Martha.

"I'm in an iron lung for
four years, Martha,

"but you were with me.

"Now I'm dying, Martha.

"I just want to tell you
one thing, Martha.

"Martha,
you're a fucking jinx!"

♪ I'm gonna see...

This is a true story.

The guy got busted
up in Byron Bay.

Got caught barbecuing
a platypus.

And, you know,
the locals were outraged.

He went to court, got fined
and the judge called him over.

Said to him...

.."What did it taste like?"

And the guy said...

.."Halfway between a dolphin
and a koala."

Oh, God no.

♪ But I can only give you
the best that I can do, yeah...

So it's Monday morning and the
teacher's there and she said,

"Have a think
about your weekend

"and come back with a story
with a moral.

"Who's got one?"

So little Lucy, dependable
little Lucy, first hand up.

And she says,

"Well, I took my old dog Rover
for a walk on the weekend.

"And I tried to teach him
to roll over.

"And you know what, miss?
I couldn't teach him.

"You can't teach an old dog
new tricks, miss."

She goes, "Oh, Lucy, every time
you get it right. Every time."

Course there was Steven.
He's got his hand up too.

He wants to be part of it.

"Steven, what's your story?"

He says, "Well, I had a race
against my next-door neighbour

"and he took off real fast

"but he tripped in a pothole
and he sprained his ankle.

"But I was just going slowly.
I was taking care.

"I didn't fall down any holes
and I won that race, miss.

"Slow and steady wins the race,
doesn't it, miss?"

And she goes... Really
there's a connection going on.

She's really teaching the kids.

And of course little Johnny's
up the back.

"I got one. I got one."
She's like, "Ohhh...

"OK, Johnny,
what's your story?"

He said, "I spent the weekend
with my uncle Kev,

"the Vietnam vet.

"Uncle Ken, he was in Vietnam

"and he got separated
from his battalion.

"It was bloody horrible.

"Anyway, Uncle Kev,
he jumps in the bush,

"he pulls out some
Saigon spirits, right?

"Sculls half the bottle."

"Gets out his gun, jumps out.
Bang, bang, bang, bang!

"Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

"And there's blood everywhere.
Takes about 30 of 'em out.

"He jumps back into the bush.

"He sculls the second half of
that bottle of Saigon spirits,

"just smashes it back.

"Miss, you should've seen him.

"He jumps out,
gets his other gun.

"Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

"All of a sudden
he's out of bullets

"and there's still
five of 'em left.

"Don't worry about that.

"He gets that bottle,
smashes it against his head.

"Hack! Hack! Hack! Hack!

"He doesn't stop

"till every single one of them
buggers is dead, miss.

Kids are crying in the class,
you know, and the teacher says,

""What could the moral of
that story possibly be?"

And he says,

"Well, you don't fuck with
Uncle Kev

"when he's on the piss."

Oh, that's lovely.
What a heart-warming story.

♪ Sweet, sweet love

♪ It will last, it will last

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah

♪ Sweet, sweet love

♪ It will last, it will last

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...

I got one.
Bloke goes into a pub and says,

"Give us a beer
before the trouble starts."

Publican pours him a beer.

He goes, "Alright. Give us another
beer before the trouble starts."

Pours another beer
and drinks that.

Then his mate walks in.

He goes, "Oh, me mate's here.

"Give me mate a beer
before the trouble starts."

He said, "Oh, by the way.

"Give me another beer
before the trouble starts."

And the publican says,
"Hey. That'll be $15.80."

Said, "Look out.
The trouble's started."

♪ It burns much inside

♪ As I want you
till the day I'm done

This guy hadn't been laid
in quite some time.

He said, "I'm going to go out
tonight. I'm going to hook up."

You know. So he goes to a bar.

He looks over in the corner

and there's an older woman,
mature-looking woman.

He thinks, "Fuck it!" You know.

And then he has this
thought of, like,

"She could really have
a really hot daughter

"and then, you know,
maybe a threesome."

He's just... He's getting ahead
of himself.

They have a few drinks
and then he sort of reveals

his mother/daughter fantasy
to her, you know?

She's had a few drinks
and then she sort of stops

and just says, "Really?
That's interesting.

"Let's go back to my place."

And he's just going, "Fuck!"
You know?

Get in the cab, get to her
place, open the front door.

She goes, "Mum, are you awake?"

Two comedians talking
to each other.

He says, "I haven't seen you.
Where have you been?"

He says, "I'm in America.
I'm in a sitcom. It's massive.

"Do you not..."

He goes, "Really? I...
I haven't heard what it is."

He goes, "Yeah, yeah.

"I do these big stadiums
all over in America.

"They're all sold out
in advance."

He goes, "I haven't heard
any of this."

He goes, "Yeah. They get it
here now. It's syndicated here.

"You know...
It's a big hit here."

And he goes,
"I haven't heard any of this."

He goes, "Yeah, I'm doing
a big stadium tour

"on the back of the sitcom
being a big hit.

"And the whole thing's
sold out in advance.

He goes,
"I haven't heard any of this."

He goes, "Yeah,
I just...I popped up

"at a local comedy club
the other night

"just to try out
some new material,

"just to see how it'll go down.

"And died me arse."

He goes, "Oh, yeah, I heard
about THAT."

I went over and visited
my aunty and uncle.

She made dinner.
Beautiful, right?

And because they're old school,

I was left there at the table
with my uncle

and she's taken the plates out
to the kitchen to wash up.

And I said, "I'll come help."
"No, no, stay there."

So I'm sitting there at the
table with me uncle, right?

And I said, "Jeez,
that was good food, hey?"

He said, "Oh, yeah,
bloody marvellous, hey?"

He said, "We went out to dinner
the other night.

"It was a grouse night too.
Bloody beautiful food."

And I said, "Fair dinkum.
Where was it?

"What was the name
of the joint?"

"Oh, jeez, I knew you were
going to ask me that. Hang on.

"Now, was it bloody...ah...oh,
you know, um... You know...

"What's the name?
You know, that flower.

"It's like a flower. You know?

"And you give it to sheilas
on Valentines Day. You know?

"And it's got the thorns."
I said, "Oh, rose!"

He says, "Yeah!

"Hey, Rose! What's the name
of that bloody restaurant?"

A woman gets into an elevator
and there's a man there

and he goes, "Oh. Hello.
What floor are you going to?"

She says, "Oh, three, please."

He says, "Where are you heading
to today?"

She says, "I'm going to give
blood." He said, "Oh, really?

"How much do you get for giving
blood?" She says, "£20."

He says, "Oh, wow!

"I'm just about to donate some
sperm, you know,

"and the sperm bank
gives £100."

And she's like, "Really?"

She gets off. Next day,
he's there again in the lift.

"Fancy meeting you.

"Where are you off to?"

"Sperm bank."

Oh, man.

There's this show.
There's a concert on.

And there's this ventriloquist
and he's got his dummy out

and he's doing this fantastic
routine

but he's offending everyone.

He's offended... He's offended
the Ukrainians.

He's offended the Scots.
He's offended everyone.

And finally he says,
"And tell me, Jerry,

"What do you think
about the Irish?"

And before he can get
a word out,

this huge Irish bloke
stands up in the audience

and he says,

"If you're going to do
any Irish jokes,

"I'm gonna come up there,

"I'm going to belt
your bloody head in."

And the ventriloquist says,
"Look.

"This isn't meant in bad taste.
We're just covering everybody."

And he said,
"I'm not talking to you.

"I'm talking to that cheeky
little bastard

"sitting on your knee."

♪ I might get home
next to never

♪ You won't see me round

♪ 'Cause if I never get on up

♪ Why, I can never
get let down... ♪

An Irishman walks
into his local pub,

and the bartender says,
"What can I get for you, Sean?"

He said, "I'll have
a pint of stout, Patrick."

And he says,
"As a matter of fact,

"it's the last drink I'm ever
gonna buy in this pub."

And the bartender said,
"What are you talking about?!

"We didn't have a fight,
did we?"

He said, "Oh, no, no, no."

He said, "It's nothing
personal, Patrick,"

he said, "but I just found out
that down at the Royal,

"you walk in,
you buy your first drink,

"after that, you drink
for nothing all night,

"and at the end of the night,
you get a free fuck!"

He said, "Who told you that?!"
He said, "Me daughter."

A guy goes to a psychiatrist,
and, um...

..the psychiatrist said to him,
"Oh, what can I do for you?"

He said, "Oh, it's not me,
it's my brother."

He said, "Oh, what's wrong
with your brother?"

He said, "He thinks
he's an orange."

He said, "Oh, you should
bring him in."

He said, "Oh, I did. I've got
him here in my pocket."

My Uncle Jaime has been...

..has been going to the same
restaurant for 20 years.

- The same restaurant!
- 20 years. Every Monday night.

The same order - one bowl
of chicken noodle soup.

But just last week,
something went terribly wrong.

"Waiter? Waiter?

"Try the soup."

"What, is something wrong?
Is it not hot enough?"

"Just...just try the soup."

"What, is it too salty?
Not salty enough?

"Is the noodle-to-liquid ratio
not what you had anticipated?"

"Solly, Solly, my old friend, I
want you should try the soup."

"OK! OK, I'll try the soup!

"Now, where's the spoon?"

"Aha!"

You know, if you want a job
in the moisturiser industry,

the best advice I can give you
is apply daily.

You know, the people of Dubai
don't like The Flintstones,

but the people of Abu-Dhabi-do.

Why can't Stevie Wonder
see his friends?

- I don't know.
- 'Cause he's married.

I wasn't expecting that.

I went to an auction

and I bought the DeLorean
from Back To The Future.

I'm only gonna drive it
from time to time.

Ohh! Nice!

A blonde and a redhead
sitting at a bar.

The blonde looks out the window
and she sees this guy

with these really
long-stemmed flowers.

And the redhead looks and goes,
"Ugh! It's my husband.

"All that means is that
I'm gonna spend the entire week

"on my back with my legs open."

And the blonde goes,
"Don't you have a vase?"

Yes!

There's this guy, right,
and he goes...

..he goes in
and he just grabs a pint

and he just smashes it
against the wall.

The bartender goes,
"What are you doing?"

He goes,
"Oh, it's a problem I have.

"I'm sorry.
I'm very ashamed of it."

He goes, "You've got to
get that checked out.

"You've got to go
speak to someone about it."

And he goes, "OK."

So, he goes away for
three months, comes back,

drinks a pint
and just chucks it at the wall

and then it just smashes.

He goes, "What are you doing?

"I thought you said you were
gonna get help for it."

He's like, "Yep. I did.
I'm not ashamed of it anymore."

Another true...
Listen. It's a true story.

Some... It can't be all jokes.

- It can't be.
- Some of it has to be true.

A true story. We're listening.
We're listening.

Go on.

A frog goes into a bank...

..to get a loan...

These two drunks
have just left the pub

and they're pretty pissed,

and they're walking
down the road,

and in the gutter, there's
a dog there licking its balls.

And one drunk said
to the other, he said, "Jesus."

He said, "I'd love to be able
to do that."

And his mate said, "I think
I'd fuckin' pat him first."

How many body builders

does it take to change
a light bulb?

- How many?
- Two.

One to change the light bulb

and another one to go, "Look
at you, man! You're huge!"

♪ Well, I'm looking out on
an overcast sky in the morning

♪ I can't hear the warning
as it calls to you

♪ As the birds migrate
and the wind is raised

♪ I see the eagle soaring

♪ Although I'm just a pawn
in nature's game, like you

♪ Wa-hoo

♪ Wa-hoo

♪ Wa-hoo-ah

♪ On the wings of an eagle

♪ I find myself
lifted through the skies

♪ Lifted up above
the world to see

♪ On the wings of an eagle

♪ I find myself
lifted through the skies

♪ Lifted up above
the world to see

♪ Can you see me?
Can you see me?

♪ As the days roll on
and the nights get long

♪ The changing of the seasons

♪ The falling autumn... ♪

Hi, Dad.

- Hey, mate.
- How are you going?

Yeah, not bad.

♪ They bring me down

♪ They bring me down... ♪

Yeah, so, um...

..what's the guts
of this party?

What's it really all about?

Well, uh...to tell the truth,
I threw it for you.

Me?

Well...you've spent my whole
life making me laugh,

so I thought it...might be nice
to try and return the favour.

So...thought I'd bring
some mates round

to give me a chop out.

And, you know, let's be honest,
you're not getting any younger

and I'm not getting
any funnier, so...

No.

Yeah, this, uh...this gig looks
like it might go for a while.

I don't know whether
I'll see it right to the end.

I'll probably have another
couple of quiet ones,

then I might just drift off.

If I'm missing, you'll know
that I've hit the sack

and called it a day.

Done.

But it's been terrific,
you know?

And thanks...thanks, boy.

Pleasure, Dad.

One more for the road?

Ooh, why not? Why not?

So, uh...this primary school,

it's St Patrick's Day,
and they decide

they should invite one of
the kids' grandparents along,

'cause he served
during the war.

So he comes into the classroom
and he explains, he said...

.. "Well,
children, I fought in the war.

"War's a terrible thing.

"People fighting other people
because of other people."

He said, "Hope you never have
to be a part of it," he said.

"Anyway, I worked
on an airfield,"

and he said, "and this day,
I'm on the airfield

"and this fucker comes
swooping in, shooting at me."

And the teacher
rushes in and says,

"Just before
he goes any further,

"children, just so you know,

"a Fokker was an aeroplane
that they used during the war."

And he said, "That is right.

"But THIS fucker was flying
a Messerschmitt."

- The Irish.
- See you later.

God bless 'em.
Yeah, see you, boy.

Good lad.

OK, everyone,
last round.

♪ This might come back
to bite us

♪ I know you think so too

♪ But when it come to it, babe

♪ What have we got to lose?

♪ Holding back feeling

♪ Can't stop a waterfall

♪ No good at pretending, oh

♪ When my back's
against the wall

♪ I've had you on my mind

♪ Tonight, oh

♪ All I need is a sign

♪ Don't think twice... ♪

So, the Lone Ranger
got caught by Sitting Bull.

It was horrifying. This great
hero of the American people.

And out of respect, Sitting
Bull says to the Lone Ranger,

"You're an amazing man.

"So...I'm gonna kill you
in three days,

"but I'll give you, you know,

"three little moments,
three requests,

"you know,
try and ease the pain."

So, the Lone Ranger says,

"No problems at all.
I'd like to talk to my horse."

So, they bring Silver in,

and the Lone Ranger whispers
in that beautiful horse's ear,

and all of a sudden...

..out over the horizon,
Silver gallops.

Comes back
a couple of hours later

with the most beautiful lady
riding on his back.

Beautiful, lovely blonde lady.

And she goes into the tent
with the Lone Ranger,

and they spend the night.

She comes out,

and Sitting Bull is, of course,
very impressed with this -

this connection between man
and beast he's not seen before.

So he says, "You're
an amazing guy, Lone Ranger.

"I'm gonna kill you
in two days, but, still, um..."

"So, I...do you want another
little request or something?"

And the Lone Ranger says,

"I'll do that. I'd like to talk
to my horse again."

So Silver comes in.
He whispers in Silver's ear.

Same thing - boom! -
gallops over the horizon.

In two hours, comes back -

this time, another lovely lady,
a brunette this time,

and more intelligent and
voluptuous and quite a stunner.

And in she goes into the tent,

and who knows what happens
betwixt the sheets that night?

"Betwixt"!

And they come out
in the morning

and the Lone Ranger's
looking around again.

Sitting Bull says,
"This is quite something.

"That is quite a special horse.

"I will kill you
tomorrow, still,

"because I hate
everything about you."

"But I'll give you
one more request,

"since you're so amazing."

And this time, the Lone Ranger
says, "No problems at all.

"This time, could I just have

"a quiet word with the horse
in private?"

"Yeah, no problems at all."

So the horse goes into the
tent, and finally, he's alone,

and the Lone Ranger
grabs Silver by the ears,

he looks into his eyes,
he says,

"I will tell you clearly -
bring POSSE!"

♪ Don't you think twice, babe

♪ Don't think twice

♪ Don't think twice... ♪

OK, so, there's
this, um, army captain

and he goes out
to visit the troops

in the middle of the desert,
and he hasn't...

They've been out there for
months and months and months

on their own.

So, he's like, "OK, guys, are
you gonna show me around?"

And they go,
"Well...yeah, alright."

So, it's like, "There's a tent,
and there's another tent,

"and there's another tent.

"That's...pretty much it.

"Yep."

And he goes,
"Well, what's that?"

There's, like, this really
sad-looking camel.

And they went, "Oh.

"Yeah, that's, uh...
that's the camel."

And he goes,
"Why is it so sad?"

And he goes,
"Well, it's really...

"..been a while
out here in the desert,

"and there's no women, and...

"..so sometimes we...
take the camel and...

"..you know."

And he goes, "Oh. OK."

Anyway, so, a few days go past

and the captain sort of looks
at the camel and goes...

.."Nah. No, I'll be alright."

And then a couple of weeks
go past and he's like...

"OK, well...

"Nah, I'll be right.
No, it's OK."

And then a month later, he's
like, "Guys, grab that camel.

"Get it in the tent.
Get it in the tent now."

So, they take the camel
in the tent

and he's, like...gets his pants
down and he roots the camel

and he comes out and he goes,

"So, that's what we do
in the desert, is it?"

And the guys go, "We usually
just ride it into town

"and get a girl, but..."

"..good on you."

♪ Let's go driving
on this highway

♪ Let me wander

♪ Far and wide

♪ Got my arm out of the window

♪ With my baggage on fire
by my side

♪ All I see is
this orange colour

♪ I see it glowing

♪ A burning blaze... ♪

This old bloke lives
just down the road from us,

and he's getting on a bit, he
lost his wife a few years ago,

and I kind of help him out,

just taking the bins out
and a few things,

and just recently, we went
through daylight saving time

and it was the day after,

and I went in there, and he
leaves the front door open.

I said, "Are you there, Harold?
Are you there?"

And I couldn't hear anything,
and I walked in,

and when I walked in,
he was sitting on the couch

with some boot polish

and rubbing black boot polish
on his dick.

And I had to go,
"No, no, Harold!

"Harold, what I said was,

"'Don't forget to turn
your CLOCK BACK!'"

- ♪ Better days
- ♪ Better days

♪ I can't keep going this way

♪ Something's gotta
help me stay

♪ With this world... ♪

There is a guy at this pub
and he is smashed.

He's never been this drunk
before, and he's a big drinker,

but he's completely,
apoplectically smashed.

And he says, "Righto,
can't drink any more.

"I'm going home!"

And all his mates
are shouting at him.

He's, "No, no, bugger off!
I'm going home!"

And he falls out of his chair
and drags himself to the door.

Pushes the door open.

"No, no, shut up!
I'm not coming back in!"

And they're all shouting.

And he drags himself all
the way down to the highway.

And then, "Nneeeooowww!"

"Nneeeooowww!"
He makes it across the highway.

He goes up the street,
down the street,

over a hill
and back down the hill,

finally gets to his...
to his place.

Pushes the door open
and then...

..drags himself up the stairs,
gets to his bed

and drags himself into the bed,

then goes, "Ohhh, man!"

And he falls back
and says to his wife,

"Oh! I'm so drunk!
I've never been this drunk!"

And she sits up and says,

"Yes, and you've left your
wheelchair at the pub again!"

It's a wheelchair joke!

Don't leave the pub without it!

♪ If you only would

- ♪ Better days
- ♪ Better days

♪ I ain't got a dime
to call you... ♪

The hunchback of Notre Dame
goes to a party.

That's not it! That's not it...

It's very dark, it's very late

and he turns up to
the party a little bit late,

everyone's having a ball

and he sees
a really lovely-looking lady

across the room.

And he has a few drinks
and gets enough courage

and makes his way over, right?

This is my hunchback
impersonation. It's terrible.

- Taps her on the shoulder.
- "'Scuse me?!"

"Can I...? Can I take you
for a dance?"

And she's like,
"Oh! Oh, um, yep.

"Uh, yes! I'd love to dance!
Lovely!"

So, they dance throughout...

And he's a really good dancer.

Like, he's doing the worm,
the full bit.

And he says, "Can I get you a
drink? I can make you a drink?"

And she's like,
"That would be lovely."

She can barely see this guy
but she's like,

"Yeah, great. Sounds great."

He makes her a drink.
The night progresses.

He's made her many drinks,
they've had many dances,

and he's had
a few drinks himself

and thinks, "Alright, I'm
gonna...see if I can...

"I think I might be in here."

So, he goes, "Would you
consider coming home with me?"

And she's like...

She's a bit tanked, so she's
like, "Well... Yeah, alright.

"That sounds kind of fun.
Great. Yeah."

And, so, he wanders
out the front

and there's a hansom cab
waiting, naturally,

and he gets over to
the hansom cab and, um...

..tries to blow out
the candle.

And "Sss! Sss!" Blows out
the candles, so she can't...

'Cause he's very conscious,

if she sees him,
she's not gonna come home.

So, they get in the hansom cab,
get back to Notre Dame.

She's like, "Oh, this is
enormous! Is this your place?"

He's like,
"Yeah, it's not bad!"

"I'm very sorry about
all the stairs."

She's like,
"Oh, no, that's OK."

So, they go up the stairs and
as they're going up the stairs,

he's... .. trying
to blow out the candles...

"Sss! Sss!" Doing all the
candles on the way up.

They get to the top -
the view's spectacular.

She's like, "This is amazing."

He's like, "Yeah, it's not bad.

"Would you consider
having sex with me?"

And she's pretty tanked

and she's looking at the view,
she's in a great pad,

and she's like,
"Yeah, OK. Why not?

"Yeah, alright. Sounds good."

And, so, they go to bed
and they have really great sex.

Great...great sex. All night.

And they fall asleep
in each other's arms.

It's beautiful, very romantic.

The next morning, the sun
is coming through the window

and she is awoken
by the sunlight

and sort of sits up
and looks across

and discovers the hunchback

and what she's spent
the evening with...

..and...

She vomits everywhere.
Everywhere.

All over the doona,
the pillow, everywhere.

She's vomited everywhere.

He, of course, wakes up to the
sound of this woman vomiting,

turns over and goes, "Oh...

"Are you alright?"

And she says, "Oh..."
She's very polite.

"Oh, yes. I'm so sorry.

"I had a lot to drink.
The...the altitude...

"I've just...I've just
thrown up everywhere.

"I'm so sorry.
Just thrown up everywhere."

And he says, "Oh, that's OK.
Thank God.

"For a second I thought
my back had burst."

♪ I've seen blood
on your horizon

♪ I see hope in your eyes... ♪

This guy's waiting at a bar

and he's supposed to be
meeting a girl

and he's been waiting for about
an hour - a bit of a no-show.

And he's kind of used to
this happening

and he kind of thought,
"Oh, it's happened again."

And down the end of the bar,
there's another lady waiting

and he's noticed she's been
there for about the same time.

In the end, he's said, "Can
I buy the lady there a drink?

"I don't want to chat her up
or anything.

"It's just if she's going
through what I am,

"I know what it feels like,"
and just say,

"'From a man at the other end
of the bar. Nothing in it.'"

So, he buys her a drink and
the barman explains to her,

"It's from the guy
at the end of the bar."

And he doesn't go to her.
Another hour goes past.

And she thinks,
"God, he meant that."

Anyway, and they get chatting

and she kind of thinks,
"This is a nice guy."

So, she ends up
drinking too much

and she says, "Gosh, I was
supposed to drive home.

"I was only gonna
have a couple."

And he says, "If you want,
I live just round the corner."

"You're more than
welcome to stay the night."

So, he says,
"Look, I'm gonna be gone

"pretty early in the morning.

"You can stay in my room.
I'm gonna sleep on the couch."

And she thinks,
"This is a bit of a con."

But sure enough, he's putting
a doona on the couch

and, so, he leads her
into the room, opens the room,

and it's this beautiful room,

everything's neat as
you could ever imagine.

He goes back
and just gets on the couch

and puts the doona over.

And she's sitting there,
thinking, "Is this a con?"

Nup. Time goes by,
she looks in the room

and not only is it perfect,
but he's got all these shelves

and he's got, like, teddy bears
and they're arranged.

Everything is so neat.
They're arranged.

Like, the biggest teddies
on the top

and medium-sized one
on the middle

and little ones
down the bottom.

And she's like, "Oh, my God,
this is the nicest guy..."

She said, "I'm just gonna
go and ask him

"if he'd like to stay
in the room with me."

So, "If you would like to
have sex,

"I think you're the right sort
of person I should do it with."

Well, to her surprise, it goes
for an hour and a half.

It is the best sex she has
ever had in her life,

and she is exhausted.

At the end, she's collapsed.

She's sweated
all she can sweat.

There's no more swear words.

She cannot lay her tongue
to another swear word.

It's been so amazing.

And she goes, "Oh!
That was amazing!"

"How good was that?!"

And he said, "Yeah, yeah,
it was pretty good.

"Anything from
the bottom shelf."

A bit of a carny joke there.
Sorry, folks.

- ♪ Funny
- ♪ Funny

♪ Ooh-hoo

♪ Is another man's pain?

♪ Oh, another man's pain

One of the richest guys in
Australia. He's met everybody.

He's been invited
to everything!

But he hasn't met the Pope.

So, first-class,
over to the Vatican he goes.

And he, uh, decks himself out.

He's got the best suit,
the best haircut,

the best shoes, the works -
he's gonna meet the Pope.

And he gets to the front of the
line outside of the Vatican,

where everyone waits
for the Pope to come out.

And there's a guy next to him -
he's homeless, filthy, stank!

And the Popemobile
comes out into the, um...

..Pope area...

- The Potpourri.
- The Potpourri.

And he gets out of the
Popemobile and he heads over,

but he goes to
the filthy homeless man.

And he whispers to him,
and the homeless man says...

And he pisses off, the Pope.

And the next morning,
tries again

but this time, he finds
the homeless guy

and he gives him 50 bucks

and he says, "Give me all
your clothes and...piss off."

And, so, he wears
the homeless guy's clothes

and...puts dirt
all over himself

and the Popemobile comes out

and, sure enough, the Pope
gets out of the Popemobile

and he comes over to this guy

who's dressed up
as a homeless man

and he grabs him by the...

..just touches him on the back
of the head so beautifully

and he says,

"I thought I told you
to fuck off yesterday."

♪ Well, the man... ♪

This bloke runs a business.

Been running it 20 years.
Goes alright.

And one day, he's standing
behind the counter

and he hears this voice
from the heavens.

"Sell the business
for $3 million."

"What?"

"Sell the business
for $3 million."

Don't know where
the voice is coming from.

Thinks he's half-pissed.
Doesn't listen.

Next day, he's back at work.
The voice is back.

"Sell the business
for $3 million."

He said,
"Who the bloody hell is...?"

"Don't worry who it is. Sell
the business for $3 million."

So, he ignores it again.

Three weeks have gone by, every
day, the bloody voice is back.

"Sell the business
for $3 million."

So, on the third week, he goes,
"Alright, bugger it.

"I'll sell it." Rings up
the real estate agent.

"I want to sell my business."
"No worries.

"How much you want?"
"$3 million." "Beautiful."

They got him the cash.
And he said, "What now?"

The voice said,
"Go to the casino."

"Go to the casino?
I'm not a gambling man."

He said, "Go to the casino
and take the $3 million."

So, he goes to the casino
with the $3 million

and he lobs there,
and the voice says,

"Now, go to the roulette wheel
in the corner.

"The one over there."
He's gone over there.

He said, "Take the $3 million
to the cash desk."

Listening to this voice,
walking around the joint.

"What now?" "Go to the cash
desk with the $3 million."

He's gone with the $3 million
to the cash desk.

They've given it to him
in chips.

He's gone back over to
the roulette wheel. "What now?"

The voice said, "Trust me.

"Put it on 22 black.
Everything. $3 million.

"On 22 black."

He said, "Alright,
I've come this far. Bugger it."

And he's whacked it all
on 22 black.

Bloke's spun the wheel.

1 red.

And the voice said...

"Shit!"

♪ Look for

♪ The silver lining

♪ Whenever a cloud

♪ Appears in the blue

♪ Just remember, somewhere

♪ The sun is shining

♪ And so the right thing

♪ To do

♪ Is make it shine for you

♪ A heart full

♪ Of joy and gladness

♪ Will always banish

♪ Sadness and strife

♪ So, always look for

♪ The silver lining

♪ And try to find

♪ The sunny side of life... ♪

The Queen, uh...

Remember the guy who breaks
into the Queen's bedroom?

Years ago, this guy broke in
through the Queen's window.

He's sitting at
the end of her bed

and he says to the Queen, uh,

"Go on, show me your tits."

And the Queen goes,
"No, I will not.

"I shouldn't even
be doing this."

♪ Oh, look for

♪ The silver lining

♪ Whenever a cloud

♪ Appears in the blue

♪ Just remember, somewhere

♪ The sun is shining

♪ And so the right thing

♪ To do

♪ Is make it shine for you

♪ A heart full

♪ Of joy and gladness

♪ Will always banish

♪ Sadness and strife

♪ So, always look for

♪ The silver lining

♪ And try to find

♪ The sunny side of life

♪ Oh, just try to find

♪ The sunny side of life. ♪

♪ Baby

♪ I know

♪ I got nothing good

♪ To show

♪ I'm hoping you call

♪ My name

♪ I got what you want
all the same

♪ 'Cause I've been searching
for the answers

♪ And I've been looking
all night long

♪ Yeah, I've been searching
for the answers

♪ But I'm right
where I belong... ♪

I was in a restaurant
the other night with me missus,

and she knocked her drink over.

I called the waiter over
and I said,

"My wife just knocked
her drink over."

He said, "I'm sorry, sir.
I'll get you another one."

I said, "Beauty. Make sure
the next one likes footy."

Oh, my...

This morning,
I accidentally swallowed

a bunch of Scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom

could spell disaster.

I had bad sunburn,
so I started taking Viagra.

Didn't help, but it kept the
sheets off me legs at night.

♪ Down by the river

♪ Today

♪ I saw my old friends

♪ As they washed away

♪ I listened to the wind

♪ Carry your name

♪ I got what you want
all the same

♪ 'Cause I've been searching
for the answers

♪ I've been looking
all night long

♪ Yeah, I've been searching
for the answers

♪ But I'm right where I belong

♪ 'Cause I've been searching

♪ For the answers

♪ I've been looking

♪ All night long

♪ Yeah, I've been searching

♪ For the answers

♪ 'Cause I'm right

♪ Where I belong

♪ Oh-oh

♪ 'Cause I'm searching

♪ For the answers

♪ Yeah, I'm looking
all night long

♪ Yeah, I am searching

♪ For the answers

♪ 'Cause I'm right

♪ Where I belong. ♪