Tere Bin Laden (2010) - full transcript

Hello Check... Check...

There's a slight echo, no?

Try stepping away from the mic please.

Oh... is this much fine?

Yes... please begin

It's here... quick... roll camera

It's a little dark sir

I can't quite see you

The lens cap you idiot!

We'll miss the plane

Do I look slick?



As you can see I am at the Karachi airport where no American
flight

has landed since 9/11 until now... and in just a little while

the first such flight will also leave Pakistan for America

Most of the passengers on this flight- UA 157-are American

but here's a hair raising fact! This flight has just one Pakistani
passenger

Ali Hassan... kindly proceed to the plane,

your flight for New York is ready for take-off

Sir, can you hurry please? Need help?

Passengers please check your baggage

because on this flight... Shampoo or toothpaste... is not
allowed

Knives... are absolutely not allowed

And don't even think about scissors!

Brother... scissors...

It's because people like you that this land is all tied up in
knots...



Hurry... I'm late for myflight...

Where you off to?

United States of America...!

America? You're going to be a taxi driver?

No a journalist... ever heard of the News America channel?

No... never

Your America's all yours, here...

Please come to the boarding gate... we cannot wait

for you any longer

Oh Shit...!

Run run... or those whites will leave you behind

Laugh all you will... but remember...

I might be chasing after America today but

one day America will be chasing me...

He's a good looking jackass, Boy is he a scream

He's running blind Behind the American Dream

He's a good looking jackass, Boy is he a scream

He's running blind Behind the American Dream

This radish made all my dreams come true

How's that?

Uh... it just did

Most umbrellas open inside out

The Pappu umbrella opens outside in!

He's a good looking jackass, Boy is he a scream

He's running blind Behind the American Dream

How much further?

Nearly there

Hey! Stop!

We are here for the press conference

We are journalists

What channel? Sting TV? Never heard the name. Get lost!

We are late! Let us in.

You are messing with the press?

Get lost! Or should I make you!

I'll show you! Check tomorrow's papers.

'Guard's wife elopes with janitor'

Let it go Ali. The conference must have started.

It's no use now. We'll go and say sorry to Majeed bhai.

I'm not giving up this easy.

During these turbulent times...

we need a perfect democracy

where we don't have someone dancing on our head

As I was saying, until now Pakistan

Hurry, we've to go on air

Good morning, you're watching

StingTVwith me Maqsood and

we've just received news that... that

That the Chief Minister has called a press conference

in Karachi. We're taking you there now.

Switch that off! You deep fried fool! Turn it off! What rubbish!

What are you trying to do? Get into his head??!

You deep fried fool!

From what angle does he look like the Chief Minister?

Er... top angle Majeed bhai

Why'd you go that far then?

You could have shot this instead!

Does it look any different?

I didn't shoot that! I was holding the ladder.

What?

Sir it's their fault! Why punish me?

I'd like to take this

opportunity to clarify...

We were off air for two whole minutes!

Do you have any idea how much that cost me?

Fork out 10,000 if you want to keep your job.

Or hitch a camel back to Saudi Arabia! Quick

Majeed bhai! Cut it from my pay.

Where's he going to get 10,000 from?

20,000 then. 10 for him. 10 for you.

Thanking you, yours faithfully...

Thank your lucky stars, you nincompoop!

I'm giving you one last chance now.

There's a cock-crowing competition

at Umar Goth tomorrow. Go catch the

birds yodeling on camera. And Gul,

if you shoot anything other than beaks and

feathers I'll make sure you're chasing cocks

for the rest of your life. Got it?

Now run like your ass is on fire!

Impossible!

You've been rejected six times in seven years and also been

deported once! You might as well make paper planes

of your passport. - But Jamaal bhai I've heard that

the embassy eats out of your hands.

You have to help me.

You'll have to start from scratch. A new ID,

new passport, a new face. -Anew face?

What's wrong with myface?

Relax, we won't do plastic surgery on you.

Zoya bring me the file of the"late"

"Late"?

Better late than never!

Anyone died who looks like him?

Here! The late Mohammad Ismail

There! Your job's done!

Zoya will make you up to look like him.

And I'll get you a passport in his name.

Cool. How much do I owe you?

272 grand

Holy smokes! What are you saying Jamaal bhai?

Can't afford it, can you? Sit down

There is a cheaper way. But it might

take you 6 months to get to America.

No problem! I've waited 7 years. What's another 6 months?

Can you fire an AK47?

Er, no, why?

Look, you're here now in Karachi.

We'll first send you to Iran with the Mujahideen.

Then to Iraq. The minute you spot an

American camp, go surrender, and you're their guest!

They'll take you to America for free!

So should I put you down as a Mujahideen?

Jamaal bhai! That's crazy!

It's foolproof, you'll be a traveler so they'll only aim

below the knees. Just keep hopping about

and you'll be fine. At least you'll get to America

even if you do get hit by a bullet or two!

Bullet??

Man, you worry too much!

The new passport sounds better!

Any chance you could do it in 150 grand?

Not a chance! I need to grease a dozen palms!

Take my advice.

This is your best bet.

Even if you lose a limb you can get a brand new one in
America.

They come cheap there.

And on easy installments too

No! I want a new passport

Your call. I'll need 10,000 advance on Monday

and a photo for reference.

Your beloved 'Q', RJ Qureishi is back

in the house! And you're tuned into the

Freedom Frequency.

How do I make this money?

Majid will never give me an advance!

Sometimes it seems like everything's

conspiring against us. But the truth is

that it's only after the darkest night

that the brightest day dawns.

Don't get carried away by what he says.

He's just a mimic!

Your destiny's here! With Majeed bhai and me.

I'd rather be in the oven than share

my destiny with that bald baked potato!

My destiny is America!

"THE COCKOPERA"

Praise to the Almighty! The cock opera will

now begin! Put your hands together for our

esteemed judge Mr. Zulfiqar Jutt!

Our first contestant Shosha

from the precinct of Sargodha!

And now, please welcome Baybaak from Mianwaali!

The judge awards seven points!

And now, straight from the land of Bushes!

The Mighty Dubya Pardesi! Last year's champion!

Must be one of those American organic chickens.

And now walking the ramp is Sikandar!

We have an undisputed champion!

Oye Gul! Wake up!

Let's Move!

Come... sit... sit...

Look!

Osama?

Twenty five million dollars!

What are you doing?

Calling the cops!

We need to make sure that it really IS him!

The Americans are hunting him in Tora Bora

and he's cooped up here with chickens?

If he really is Osama we'll be heroes!

Bush will bathe us in cash!

50 million dollars!

But Ali, isn't the reward 25 million?

Yeah but we're two people! 25 for you and 25 for me!

Have you seen this man?

Hey! My money!

Can I have some scotch tape?

What's going on here?

It's the limit! No one recognizes Osama here!?

They need glasses.

Oh you genius! This is what I love about you

You don't know your own brilliance

but I can see it.

Have you seen this man?

Yeah I know him

Really? Where can we find him?

Not so fast! Only if you put me on camera!

Gul, roll the camera on our handsome uncle here.

Yes, that's good. Hello! I'm Goga from

Rahim Yaar Khan and the man you see here in this photo...

his name is Noora

He's been running a chicken farm for the last 10 years.

He's good-hearted but not quite big-hearted.

Noora lives in the next lane

It's not Osama! Why do we always get the copies?

How about an original for once?

Hello Jamal bhai.

Thought I'd remind you about the advance.

I'll need a little more time, its not a small amount

I can wait another week. Not a minute more.

Why is my destiny out to screw me!

Take it easy! We could do a show on him too by the way.

Osama's lookalike! Anything sells.

Genius! Come on!

You won't find eggs as big as mine anywhere in the world!

Fondle one and see for yourself!

That's not why we're here actually...

Then?

Oh we just want to chat.

Do I speak into this?

Yes

I've liked cocks ever since I was little!

All I wanted was to have cocks all around me

so I kept a hen as pet. My chicken started laying eggs

and now I have 3000 hens and 1000 cocks!

People call me King Cock!

Enough man if I can't take this anymore!

How on earth will the viewers?

Watch this closely Gul

Watch what? His cave man nostrils?

You blind fool, you're looking at our lottery ticket.

You've gone crazy again?

Why do I have to spell it out for you every time?

It's been ages since some video of Osama hit the news.

Half the world thinks he's dead

and the other half are running around

like headless chickens looking for him!

Now this guy! We turn him into Osama...

make a video and sell it for a fortune!

It'll be a sensation!

Fraud?! You'll get us arrested!

So you wanna be a loser sting reporter all your life?

Fangless fool! See those reporters from BBC and CNN?

They hunt fearlessly! Stay at 5 star hotels driving Mercs and
BMW's!

You ride around on your two-wheeled circus all your life!

Acircus is way better than getting

our ass whipped in a jail!

It'll swell so bad that the cushions in your

Merc will feel like a bed of nails.

Just hear me out!

I don't know why I always give in to you.

That's my boy!

What a donkey!

Even a farmer wouldn't hitch his cart to you!

Which idiot made you an editor?

Put a 100 here.

Penalty for wasting my time.

Don't stress Majeed bhai, We'll get this done.

How long will you keep covering his ass?

Move it! This needs to be on air in 20 minutes.

Gul, rewind a little.

This Majeed is the devil incarnate.

You slave for him night and day and what do you get in
return?

Thankless man!

It's like he's taken an oath to make my life hell.

Don't worry buddy, we'll shred him so bad that even

the best tailor won't be able to sew him back again.

Even the best tailor

We'll show him

We'll show him

There's just one way to do that?

Just one way?

Think it over, you can't back out later

I'm prepared to become a suicide bomber for this cause

Just tell me what I have to do.

Can you write Arabic?

Yes, why?

Champ, fluff yourself

Him?

Yup

Is he a lunatic?

Partly

Champ, I'll be back in a doodle-doo

You keep practicing

How goes Noora?

Great!

All well?

He works for an ArabicTV channel

Salutations

Noora, Latif wants to interview you for his channel!

Salutations we're making an

ArabicTV program and we'd like you

to be a special guest on this show.

You've come to the right place. Come with me...

My eggs and my Sikandar are the toast

of Pakistan. He's the star of the Cock Opera.

He's just a little volatile

How so?

Let me show you!

"You son of a featherless cock!"

He's spouting Punjabi! Sikandar kicked

the Arabic right out of him! What a kick, huh?

Here's your advance.

We'll shoot in the studio tomorrow.

I'll come to get you.

But there's just one slight problem.

I can't speak Arabic.

Don't worry about that.

We have a special kick that'll have you spouting Arabic in no
time!

Really?

Really!

What's this?

There's just 5 here!

Trust me Jamaal bhai

I'll get you the full amount in ten days.

When's my turn then?

Relax man!

Any longer and I'll send someone else in your place.

I'd never let you down.

You had asked for my photograph

Give it to Zoya.

And my photo?

Calm down you'll scare the poor girl!

I have a cost effective option for you.

So? Can it be done?

Easy as a kebab! He'll need some make up though.

It's a high risk job I want 200 grand!

200 grand? Is that what you charge Jamaal too?

No but after this job I'll quit Jamaal

and start my own beauty parlour

YOUR beauty parlour and WE foot the bill?

Forget it we'll use my barber instead.

Suit yourself! Are we done then?

Yes, done!

Done! 200 grand!

Hey!

But we need an exact copy.

You'll get the original. When do you need it?

As soon as we find a voice for him.

Welcome to the Freedom Frequency!

I'm your beloved RJ Comrade Qureishi

The Freedom Frequency is facing rough waters

and needs your support to stay afloat.

Or else this fearless voice of the people will drown.

We need as much as you can provide.

You can send us anything from a hundred to a thousand.

Hello...

What do you make of a 100 grand?

Up front donation!

So Qureishi Sir what do you think of our plan?

I've never touched an American product.

Never shaken the hand with a capitalist slave.

Forget Osama's voice, I won't even let out a squeak for you!
Good day!

Just a second! Where's that Q for Qureishi?

You're a slave to your own prejudice.

You'll die of thirst but won't touch this chilled can...

only because its American?

For once, all of us are trying to do something

bigger

Latif here... his stingy boss deducts his

entire salary in fines every month!

He wants to break free. Start something

of his own while he's still young.

Doesn't that sound like a Freedom Frequency?

Zoya. Poor girl's been colouring people's faces...

All the colour has drained out of her's!

She wants to start a beauty parlour of her own.

Doesn't that sound like a Freedom Frequency?

The champion of the cause of freedom... Gul!

I too want to spread mywings

freely like all of them and fly!

Look at them... no shame... no clothes... no respect.

Fly straight to America the land of Coke and bikinis

by using us, you shameless dog!

It's because of people like you that

America's become a bully in the first place! I'm out of here!

OK you're right! I admit.

I wanna go to America! You wanna blow it to bits!

You wanna preach here. I wanna reach there. But

if you pay attention to what I'm saying we can both

gain from this! Think about it! As the voice of

Osama you can abuse America all you like!

You won't get a better chance to abuse that

country to its face. Not even on radio.

He just said yes in Arabic.

Noora! Welcome!

Salaam alaikum Sir.

Looking like a hero today, shiny shirt and all!

I brought Sikandar along to jazz up the show!

I brought Sikandar along to jazz up the show!

You must interview him.

He's handled a thousand hens all on his own!

Good call!

Let's shoot with you first!

Let's shoot with you first!

Give him to me now.

Go get your make-up done by Zoya.

We'll get ready to record.

Hello...

Uh make-up is for women.

Can't we do without this?

Noora, without make-up your face will be

an ugly blotch on theTV screen.

Ablotch on screen is better than a blotch on my character!

Is she going to touch me too?

Is she going to touch me too?

She's only going to touch you, that's all!

Put this on and sit down.

God help me!

There goes my virtue.

I'd preserved it so carefully

Excuse me you're, er, touching me

So?

It's doing things to me!

Oh Lord! Keep all unholy thoughts away from me...

Save me from temptation!

Save me from temptation!

How much longer?

Sshh! Be quiet!

But what about my eyes?

Done!

Can I see a mirror please?

Sure! It's your face.

Sure! It's your face.

You ought to see it first.

Smashed it? Can't you do one thing right?

Don't worry you can watch it at home with your hens on the
couch.

Don't worry you can watch it at home with your hens on the
couch.

Try reading this now.

What tongue twister is this?! Don't try to make sense of it

It's a tribute to your cocks and eggs.

But why'd America pop up in the middle?

Ya! You're saying that we can't find eggs

like yours even in America?

Like yours even in America?

Super! Now just imitate Latif.

Don't worry sir I'm an ace at that.

When I crow, my hens go weak in their little knees!

When I crow, my hens go weak in their little knees!

Why don't you show us how a hen lays an egg?

Of course! Anything for you!

No thank you, we're running out of time.

Can we act like humans for a while please?

You're just making weird faces! Can't understand a word...

You're just making weird faces! Can't understand a word...

Slow down! You sound like my hens are laying eggs

OK. Ready to roll! Action!

Hello!

Majeed Khan! Your sleeping destiny

is about to be awakened! Listen closely!

Forget my destiny, but you awoke my wife.

And I prefer her asleep!

What I'm about to tell you... will shake the world

out of its sleep!

Osama!

Osama?

Is he dead?

Not yet but I have his message on video fresh from a cave!

Exclusively for you!

I'm honoured but...

The 'but'will cost you one million!

That's too much! Good night!

Good night then.

Hang on a minute! Bring me the tape!

2 million to deliver it to you!

Ok I'll get it myself! Where should I come?

Ok I'll get it myself! Where should I come?

Near CityTower.

What's your name?

My name is

The KHABRI! Get here in fifteen minutes!

Why don't you tell me what's happening?

Are we going to be raided or robbed?

Nothing of the sort. Let's just say thatfate's

chosen to smile down on you.

And how's that? Are you divorcing me?

You think such terrible thoughts

Mr. Kapoor? Majeed from Pakistan

I have an exclusive scoop

that will shake the world out of its sleep and it won't

that will shake the world out of its sleep and it won't

even cost you much. Just 3 million!

He'll be here any moment now.

Don't mess this up!

Why send me alone?

What if that devil kills me and steals the tape?

I'll be watching from here, don't worry.

Ma'am hope you're not hurt.

I'm sorry, the rain made the car skid.

I'm sorry, the rain made the car skid.

Is this camera yours?

Yes.

What a wonderful voice you have ma'am.

Like rolling thunder!

Sir, I'm not a ma'am the KHABRI has sent me.

Oh my god! Why are you in burqa then?

To protect myself from the rain

Then what's the umbrella for?

To hide my face from you

Oh, different approach! Come get in the car.

Let me see what you've got.

I told you there's nothing under this burqa

that you don't have yourself.

Sir I meant show the tape.

So say that!

Here's one million.

Hey let that be! It's my pocket money!

Sorry, its my money now

Sorry, its my money now

But why are you taking it?

Afine for coming late darling.

I even stole his piggy bank.

Buddy we just hit the jackpot!

LIVE India presents an exclusive clipping of

Osama Bin Laden's latest video message to

America from a tape which this channel

received from a person who calls himself

the KHABRI. This tape proves that Osama

is alive and in good health. He says he will make

America pay for their atrocities in Afghanistan and Iraq.

America pay for their atrocities in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Welcome sir, I am Usman...

Ted jee it is an honour to work

with you on the Osama hunt.

It also seems that he's had Botox therapy done.

He looks ten years younger than before.

He's looking us in the eyes and challenging us.

And to help us fight this challenge we have with us

Officer in Command of American Intelligence-

Mr. Ted Wood.

If you go to America what will I do here alone, man?

Should we try for you, too? We have the money.

Well, yeah. Ask and see.

We'll stay together right across the White House!

That's my boy!

What's up, Jamaal bhai? Are you heading to America too?

No one's heading anywhere anymore.

I'm shutting down. Here's your advance.

But I've brought the rest of the money.

Fly to America yourself. Lashkar-e-Amreeka is history.

Why are you shutting down?

Go ask Osama. His video ruined my career.

Osama's video?

The damn thing's playing on every channel 24 hours a day.

He's made my life a living hell.

The gates of America have shut forever.

They've become very strict.

Mohammad, tear the posters down.

Give me room.

Where you running off to, my champ?

What's going on here?

See that, kid? Your uncle's on TV!

Uncle that's not you...

that's Uncle Sam's uncle-Osama

Heavy bombing in Afghanistan has caused...

...severe casualties to livestock.

America says that this onslaught will continue...

...until Osama is found.

You started a war, man. Now how will you get to America?

We have to stop this, Gul.

As you say, Your Highness. Should I call Bush for you?

I'm not joking.

What can you do now? Things are out of our hands.

The Americans won't stop hammering now.

How'd they get here this fast?

Get out of myway!

What's the matter, Qureishi sir?

Son of a bitch! Anything else you need? Any other
impersonations?

Son of a bitch! You've turned me into a criminal!

I won't spare you. I'll expose you on the radio!

I'm going to tell everyone what you've done!

As if that will stop the war!

Oh my God, that's brilliant!

If one tape could start a war then another tape can end it!

Think about it!

Dear George Bush, how long can you use me as an excuse...

...to go oil hunting. Stop your atrocities or else...

...this world will explode like a grenade! It's never too late to
put aside...

...our differences and serve humanity! I promise an end to
violence!

Talk to me Man to Man! And we'll give back to...

...the world what we took from it! Yours truly, Osama Bin
Laden.

Most sublime!

Can we please go back?

I'm not even married yet!

Shut up. Who wants to marry you anyway!

Let's get out of here.

Shut up.

What are you doing here all alone in the dark?

What do you want now?

Want? Nothing.

It's been so long we thought we'd drop by and say hello.

What's this?

Wow Noora, you made it to the cover of a magazine!

No, people say that's Osama.

You'll rot in hell. What have you turned me into?

Ljump in fright at the sight of my own face.

I'll go straight to the cops tomorrow.

I'll go complain to General Musharraf.

You put me in a jehadi video?

You misunderstood us. -Get out of the way.

I know you're the brain behind all this.

You destroyed me but you'll have to answer to God.

Back off, Noora.

Fool. You're sitting on a gold mine and all you do is lay eggs!

You can make millions with this face of yours.

You'lljust have to do one last thing for us.

Now what do you need me to do?

The same as last time.

No way, don't mess with fate anymore.

Suit yourself. Anyone willjump at this chance...

...to make a couple of hundred grand.

Zoya can make anyone look like that. See you then.

Oh! I dropped my money.

Wait a minute, is it dangerous?

Not at all.

What's he saying?

He asked if it's dangerous.

No danger at all. There isn't a safer job in the whole world.

Promise? -Of course!

We'll shoot in the studio tomorrow.

Now come on, drop us outside.

There's no telling what your roosters might do.

Sir, there's nothing in these images.

The Americans are bombing the wrong place.

We've martyred only donkeys and wild asses so far.

You won't get it. That'sTed sir's master plan.

What's the plan?

Sir, we found the man who sold the tape to LIVE India.

How?

That night he got three calls from Pakistan from StingTV's
Majeed Khan.

I still have half the vegetables left to buy.

Shabbo, I've important things to do.

I know your important things.

Some cheap breaking news on your filthy channel.

Now where did you go?

Is this America? I did fall in a sewer.

And that's where you'll stay until we get answers.

Answers?

Who's the KHABRI? You? Or someone else?

No... sir no, I'm not the KHABRI. I'm just a middle man.

When did you last speak to Osama?

I swear by Allah, I've never spoken to him.

I've only seen him on TV. I'm not the KHABRI.

I only bought the tape from him and sold it forward.

So, if you are not KHABRI...

...then why did he choose to give you the tape?

My bad luck.

What did he look like?

I'm so scared I forget.

I think a screw's going loose in my head.

Stop! All I remember is that he was...

...in a burqa and he had a pink umbrella.

You didn't see his face?

I don't stare at women in burqas, sir.

Why not?

They don't let me! But, yes...

...on his umbrella was the word PAPPU.

Write P.A.P.P. U... Pappu!

It could also be a double O sir! P.A.P.P.O. O!

Watch it, sir. You'll ruin all my umbrellas.

Look, Pappu.

My name'sTaufeeq.

Where's Pappu then?

Who's Pappu?

The one who owns this shop.

I own this shop.

Then why call it PAPPU Umbrellas?

It sounds good.

Sir, perhaps Pappu is a code word.

Have you ever seen this man?

Of course, he runs that filthy channel 'Sting TV'.

What do you know of him?

Not much. Two of his reporters came to shoot this shop...

...they stole an umbrella too.

Was it a pink one?

How do you know?

Describe those two.

Hello, could I speak to Majeed Khan?

What?

What?

Get inside quickly!

Dear George Bush.

How long can you use me as an excuse...

Dear George Bush.

How long can you use me as an excuse to go oil hunting?

Stop before the world explodes like a grenade!

Did you call Majeed bhai?

Sir, I think we found the KHABRI.

Sir, your laces.

I know!

We'll get to Osama soon. I have a feeling...

...there will be some key clues at Sting TV.

But who in their right mind would want to kidnap Majeed
bhai?

No clue. His wife just said he suddenly disappeared two days
ago.

Who will we sell the tape to, now?

We'll figure that later. First let's get this job done...

...and get the hell out of here.

What's all the hush-hush about? Is something wrong?

Not at all, Noora. Finish your make-up quick.

We shoot in five minutes.

Where are you going?

To pee.

Hurry back!

Open up the locks. I'lljust go relieve myself.

Shoo...!

Don't worry, sir. He's a smart and sensitive rooster!

He won't hurt you.

Smart roosters don't go dancing on stranger's heads.

Such dodgy creatures should be left at home.

He's not a creature, sir. He's my brother.

We run a poultry farm. The best quality eggs in Pakistan.

If you ever need any, just call me.

I'll let you know.

Should I give you my card?

No, my hands are busy. I'll take it later.

On the right is Majeed's cabin.

Left is the edit room.

Straight down the hall is the shooting studio.

Hm, let's start from the edit room.

You missed a spot, Zoya.

And here. Gently, now.

Gentle enough for you, sweetie pie?

Want a sip? This will cool your fire.

That map's come loose behind. Could you stick it up please?

I think I need a sip. God, I'm burning up inside.

No, first, make-up.

What are you doing, Noora?

My hands feel sticky.

What the hell is going on?

Final touches.

Enough make-up. Let's rehearse now!

Noora, pick up the grenade!

The other hand! That's good.

When I say the word pick up the grenade and look into the
camera.

Put the grenade down now. Quick.

Wait a minute.

What the hell is wrong with you? This isn'tfunny!

That's not one of your eggs, you know!

If that falls we're all dead! Put it down!

Can we get a move on?

For God's sake, be still!

Zoya his forehead's shiny.

Please be serious!

Stop playing with that! It's real!

RUN!

Noora, throw it away!

No! Sikandar! Nooooo!

He was one tasty, er, feisty cock.

Noora, go bury him. We'll shoot later.

I'm through. I can't shoot anymore.

My champ's dead!

He's not dead. He's a martyr.

How can you let his sacrifice go in vain?

Sir, the blast occurred inside the studio.

Who could it be?

Could it be the police? Could this be a raid?

Which key could it be?

We don't have time! Break it open!

Quick! Get out of here. Zoya, your make-up kit.

Latif, take that map down. Gul, get the camera.

Qureishi, grab the rest of the stuff! Hurry.

Noora?

Noora! Stop! You're in the Osama get-up!

He'll get us all killed! RUN!

Noora, please stop! For God's sake, stop!

Please leave me alone!

I don't want to do this anymore.

You guys stay on Noora's tail.

We'll take a shortcut and cut him off.

Hello, sir. We're from a TV channel.

Can we interview you?

You're on duty this late at night? - Yes

The nation should be proud of you.

How many kids do you have? - Three.

Three kids despite night duty? Wow.

Which song would you like to dedicate to them?

Move. - Er, what song is that?

Excuse me?

What a horror!

Sir? Why have you stopped us?

Who're you?

I'm his# she #and he's my #he#

Why doesn't he speak?

The words refuse to step out his mouth.

He's mute.

They'll come out if those Holy Gates let them. What a buffet
of teeth!

You can go.

Sir, we've tracked Ali's mobile phone.

Whats the location?

South west of Malir...

Guddu, duty calls!

Noora, why are you removing your jacket?

Let me go.

It'll only take a few minutes.

Latif, check the light on his face.

Gul, hurry, we don't have time.

Noora, you remember the speech?

I don't even remember my own name.

Zoya ma'am, please tell them I can't do this.

Zoya, check his make-up. Gul, hurry.

Dear George Bush.

How long can you use me as an excuse to go oil hunting?

Stop before the world explodes...

Man, why are you crying? Get in character.

Punch it! Come on! Action!

Dear George Bush, how long can you use me as an excuse
to...

...damn your mother... damn your dad damn your plans. Go to
hell!

Noora, wait! Two minutes is all I need!

The future of the world is on the line!

It's my neck on the line! This is going to blow up in my face!

I promise you. Nothing is going to blow up!

Where did you find him?

He was lying unconscious near the blast.

Looks like the impact got him.

Should we interrogate him?

No.

Sir, could we take a picture each with Osama?

You nuts? This case is America's...

...letTed sir handle it. Where are Ali and his gang?

Ali Hassan a.k. A the KHABRI.

Sign this. It's your confession that you...

...and your team gave Osama shelter...

...and were helping him escape.

Helping him escape?

Yes, but you failed.

Osama is in our custody now. Alive.

Osama...?

What the hell are you saying, you son of a bitch?

What did you get by ruining me? Blew all my roosters to
pieces!

BURN IN HELL!

My pet Bushie, you've liked your meat deep-fried and oily...

...ever since you were little. You used to dream of having oil
fountains in...

...your backyard. Then you came, shook hands with me. What
a...

...magic move, buddy. Your sly ways took you straight to the
oil wells...

...and now you bathe in Iraqi petrol and Afghani diesel every
day.

But don't be too greedy or you just might end up an...

...oily McBush burger. Take my advice, drop this war. Come to
my cave...

...we'll gorge on fried food together. Yours truly, Binny L.

Anew tape received by the Pentagon has...

...Osama offering a ceasefire. Osama made his proposal in
an...

...interview with a journalist called Ali Hassan.

America has accepted Osama's offer and has...

...begun talks with the tribal leaders in Afghanistan.

As you can see, I am now at the New York International
Airport.

Reporters from all across the world...

...mostly American, are eagerly awaiting...

...the arrival of Ali Hassan.

The world famous reporter of StingTV.

Whose interview of Osama has brought...

...peace across the globe. Ali Hassan, my prot?g?...

Here! You deep fried fool! Keep me in the frame!

Ali Hassan, my prot?g?, has been...

...specially invited by the American press.

I am very proud, actually...

...he is just like my son. Oh! He has arrived!

I might be chasing America today...

...but one day America will be chasing me.

I am happy... very very happy

Let it be known that if they cut a cake...

...everyone better get a piece!

You were kidnapped?

I'll start from beginning...

Let me do the talking!

He fell into a gutter and come out a cleaner man!

Listen to me! That tape is a fake! That tape is a fake!

The shock has gone to his head.