Tenured (2015) - full transcript
It's dark times for Ethan Collins, a severely depressed, foul-mouthed elementary school teacher whose wife's recent infidelity and departure have left him questioning everything in his life.
[CHILDREN CHATTERING
AND YELLING]
[♪♪♪]
Don't.
Is this working for you,
this collision course we're on?
Trevor, ah,
why is what you did bad?
Because it makes you
look like an asshole.
That's right.
It makes Mr. Collins look like
a complete asshole.
Yeah, it does.
Right. Exactly.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, you know what?
Fuck you, man.
Honestly, I really don't
have it in me
to play games with you
today.
Trevor, I need you
to promise me
that you will not throw
a ball in my face again
and we can move
on from this.
I just, uh,
I need to hear you say that.
Go ahead.
Whenever you're ready.
Here's the thing.
I can't promise you that.
Wow.
I think we're done here.
TREVOR:
You look like shit.
I know. Thank you.
What's up with you?
Um, I'm pretty sure my wife
is leaving me, Trevor.
Well, did you try writing
her a poem?
That's what I did
when I was dating Paige.
It was like:
What's your wife's name?
Lauren.
Oh, so, like: L is for lady,
A is for aweso--
I'm not gonna write her
a poem. It's stupid.
Aren't you a writer?
Ah, not anymore.
Why?
Just gave up on it.
Why?
It didn't work out.
Why not?
Because I was foolish enough
to chase a dream.
And now I'm, you know,
your fucking teacher.
You know what helped me
when Paige and I broke up?
What?
Shel Silverstein.
Great.
You should get into him.
Thank you. I-- Maybe.
Please leave now.
[SIGHS]
Trevor, don't!
[ALL CHATTERING]
Mr. Collins?
Yes.
Brittany, what is it?
I'm Paige.
Is there a Brittany
in this class?
No.
How may I help you,
Paige?
Do you have any super glue?
Yeah, top drawer.
Oh, wait.
Don't use all of it.
Mr. Collins?
Uh, yes?
Can I scoop the fish out
of the fish tank?
Yeah, yeah, go for it.
Mr. Collins?
Ah, Jesus. Yes?
Can I go on the roof?
Uh, yeah, but let me make
an announcement first, okay?
Hey, guys? Guys?
Uh, I really need
to focus right now
on this poem
that I'm writing
to sort of let my wife know
where I am mentally
so I can try
to win her back.
Um, and the constant
distractions
are incredibly
distracting.
So for the rest of class,
if you have a question for me,
just, uh, yes.
The answer is yes.
All right?
Enjoy the roof.
[ALL CHEERING
AND CHATTERING]
That is so pretty.
GIRL: Thank you.
I drew a picture of you,
Ms. Abigail.
Oh, let's see.
It's beautiful.
Let's hang it on
the Rope of Friendship.
Matt?
Hey, Ms. Abigail.
What are you doing out there?
Just hanging out.
Where are your clothes?
On the roof.
I-- Okay. What?
[ALL CHATTERING]
Hi, Ethan.
Uh, I don't mean
to interrupt your lesson,
but, um, Matt wandered off,
so I brought him back.
He left his clothes on the roof,
but I couldn't find them
so I just got him something
out of Lost and Found.
Okay.
Yeah, thank you.
Also, your fish
had gotten out.
Uh, I found them flopping
around in the hallway.
One of them was super glued
to the floor
so he didn't make it.
Okay.
Are you okay?
Let's say, yes.
Oh, also, don't forget to
answer Hannah's e-mail
about the faculty luncheon.
It's in regards to
your sandwich preferences.
Spoiler alert,
I picked portobello.
Which one is Hannah?
Assistant Principal
Hannah Gruber.
Oh, well, just say that,
then, Abby.
How did the SAKS
test go?
Oh, shit.
When was I supposed
to give that out?
Today.
ETHAN:
All right, guys.
We only have four minutes
to take this test.
So, uh, let's just focus
really hard.
And now we actually have,
uh, less than four minutes.
Really? I thought
we had the whole day.
They changed the rules.
The test you're about to take
is the Statewide Assessment
of Knowledge and Skills test.
You will have six hours
to comp, uh--
We'll just skip that,
it's not important.
Um...
In fact, uh, the answer
to question one
is D.
Yeah. So let's just
all go ahead
and mark the right answer,
which is D.
That's the right
answer there.
Question two is A.
Question three is C.
Mr. Collins, you never
turned in your SAKS tests.
We are actually, uh,
still working on it.
Why?
Uh, we just got
a late start.
Why did you get
a late start?
Um, it was just due to,
you know,
the lateness, um, of the time
of which we started,
which was incredibly late.
Save it.
Let's pick up the tests.
[♪♪♪]
Did you get my e-mail
about the faculty luncheon?
Mr. Coll--
Mr. Collins?
Excuse me.
ALL [IN UNISON]:
Chug! Chug! Chug!
[ALL CHATTERING
AND CHEERING]
BOY 1: Yeah, boy!
BOY 2: Yeah!
[INDISTINCT MUSIC PLAYING
OVER RADIO]
All right.
Thanks, dude.
Be good.
Mr. Collins.
Hannah.
What are you doing?
I was talking to you.
I didn't know
your first name was Hannah.
Did you get my e-mail
asking your preferences
for the faculty luncheon?
I have an e-mail account?
We have the McCallister
parent-teacher
conference tomorrow.
And I need you on
your absolute A-game.
If she sues the school again--
Great, see you tomorrow.
[♪♪♪]
Do you have
any sevens?
[INDISTINCT MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
Lauren?
Lauren.
Sorry. What?
Sevens, do you have
any sevens?
Oh, Uh...
No, sorry. Go fish.
[SIGHS]
Hey, Lauren?
I said, go fish.
No, I heard you.
It's not that.
Is everything okay?
How's everything
with Ethan?
It's not good, guys.
You wanna talk about it?
Oh, no.
This is the one place I can go
to get away from everything
so, honestly, I don't
even wanna think
about Ethan
when I'm here.
Ethan?
Hey, Lauren.
Hey, guys.
Hey. What's up, buddy?
Ethan.
Can we talk later?
No, wait.
Please, this is important.
You remember how,
in college,
we used to lock
my roommates out
and have sex
to Depeche Mode?
Uh, of course I do.
And we used to listen
to "Enjoy The Silence"
on repeat, just over
and over and over again?
Yeah.
ETHAN: Well...
All I ever wanted,
all I ever needed
is here on my arm.
Whoa!
Damn.
Oh, my God.
Ethan, that song is
about heroin.
Okay. Obviously, I didn't
mean to refer to heroin.
Um, can you guys give us
just one minute?
Yeah, yeah, no problem.
Of course.
MAN:
Real sorry, Ethan.
Seriously? Ethan.
ETHAN: What?
Uh...
Ethan, it's over.
You have to hear me.
It's... It's over.
Look, if it's because
of the tattoo, I...
I can't return it
or anything.
Lauren, this is ridiculous.
I was reading your letter
again this morning.
And I know things
have been fucked up
between us for a long time,
but I think--
Ethan, I met someone.
What?
It's really over.
[ALARM WAILING]
[ALL CHATTERING]
♪Make a drawing
Where does it go?♪
♪Look around the room
Because we all know♪
♪It's the Rope of Friendship
It's the color blue♪
♪ A special place to hang me
And you ♪
[♪♪♪]
Ethan?
Ethan.
Huh?
Oh, no.
I think you have
a parent-teacher conference.
Yes, thank you.
I'm just wrapping up
over here.
Did you sleep in your car?
No.
Are you being sarcastic?
No.
Are you?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Did you get a tattoo?
No.
Okay.
Do you know
where the meeting is?
In Hannah's office.
I can try to buy you
a few minutes
if you need a little time--
Oh, oh.
[VOMITING]
That's okay.
That's okay.
That's okay. I'll go get
the Too Much Lunch bucket.
He needs to go.
All right, let's...
Let's pump the brake
before we make a mistake.
Last week, I asked my son
what he was learning
and he said that
"nothing lasts forever."
And he's swearing now.
Where is that coming from?
And when I picked him up
yesterday,
he was wearing someone
else's clothes.
Mrs. McCallister,
I explained to you,
his clothes were
on the roof.
Yes. Why?
He took them off
on the roof.
Why?
Well, you make a good point.
Why don't we ask Matt?
Do not say anything.
Your lawyer will speak for you.
Please, let's not go down
that road again.
You know the old saying,
sue the school four times,
stop suing the school.
Mm-hmm. Just fire him
like you fired the others.
I would love to fire him,
but I cannot. He has tenure.
Does tenure protect a teacher
who falls asleep
during a parent-teacher
conference?
I honestly
can't answer that.
He's asleep right now.
Oh.
Mm-hmm? See?
Yes. Whose turn is it?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are we boring you?
Heh, what do you mean?
The thing you were saying
about your kid.
Oh, who's my kid?
I'm gonna go with...
I mean,
what's his name?
[MOUTHING]
Matt. Matt.
Math.
[BLOWS AIR]
Really? Okay.
Let me make myself
perfectly clear here.
I am not going to let
that man
stand in the way of my son
getting into Pebble Path
Middle School.
So you can either find
a way to fire him
or I can find someone
who will fire you.
Come on, Matt.
Matt!
I was gonna say Matt.
WOMAN: Hmm.
ETHAN: I was gonna say Matt.
I smell booze
but that's all I'm saying.
Maybe it's Matt.
I was seriously gonna
say Matt.
What the hell is
wrong with you?
My, uh...
My wife left me.
I'm sorry to hear that,
Mr. Collins,
but I'm putting you
on notice.
As per Union bylaws,
I am ordering you to see
the school therapist
and I am pursuing
the termination
of your contract
with this school.
She's gone.
What?
She's really gone.
Yes.
Have you listened
to anything I said?
Yeah, therapist.
Got it.
You know how they say, um,
"Those who can't do, teach"?
Right? You've heard that.
Uh, my dad used to say
that to me all the time.
Just to fuck with me.
And even though I knew,
like, rationally,
that he's just an asshole,
whatever,
he was just sort of
always there.
Uh, then when
I became a teacher, um,
I was thinking...
You know,
I started wondering,
is Lauren thinking
that about me?
Am I, you know,
can I not do?
Um...
And, I mean, when I gave up
on writing, that's like--
I just felt like the biggest
failure in the world.
And I felt like she felt
that about me and...
For the first few months
after I was a teacher,
Lauren and I couldn't
even have sex.
I just couldn't--
Like, it wasn't...
It wasn't happening for me,
you know.
I just didn't have,
you know...
I was trying but it just
couldn't happen. Um...
And I'm gonna be
completely honest with you,
just because I promised
I would be.
Um, I'm starting to think
maybe there's no point
to anything and...
Hey, Andrew.
Dude, I mean, I'm kind of in
the middle of some heavy shit.
Is there something you wanna
share with the whole class or?
You said you wanted to be
a writer more than anything.
Right.
Then you just gave up on it.
Go on.
Maybe the Lauren problem
is bigger than Lauren.
Holy shit.
Andrew, that's a great point,
but I wanna come back to that.
Can you remind me?
And we'll come back to it?
Um, let's shift gears
for a second.
What is, uh, this?
Let's talk about this.
What is settling?
Settling in life,
what is that?
Oh, no, you don't have
to raise your hands.
We don't have time
for hands.
Just spit it out
as it comes to you.
Cool, we'll do hands, yeah.
No wrong answers.
The pilgrims settled here.
Wrong answer. Anybody else?
Yeah, Matt. Hit me.
Is it a fruit?
A fruit?
A fruit.
No, dude.
Settling's not a fruit.
Is it pooping your pants?
[ALL LAUGH]
No, it isn't, Trevor.
Why? Did you poop
your pants again?
[ALL CHEERING]
Takes one to know one.
Heh, uh, really?
Because you, um...
What's wrong?
Poop in your mouth?
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
It has nothing to do with
poop, guys. Let's move on.
Where's the pen? What--?
Trevor,
bring that over here.
No.
Well, I'm not walking
over there.
Aren't you?
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
[ALL LAUGH]
Marriage.
Is marriage...
an antiquated notion?
My mommy and daddy
are married.
Yeah, for now.
Do you know what I mean?
Let me tell you
what I'm realizing here.
If there is one thing
you can take away
from our time together--
Strike two.
It's this.
Don't ever commit yourself
to another person, ever.
[SCOFFS]
Let's write that down.
I guess what I'm really
trying to say is that, um,
sometimes mommies lie
to daddies.
Uh, I'm not saying
your mommies are liars.
Just, you know, some
of them are, probably.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, kids. What are
we learning about today?
ALL [IN UNISON]:
Mommies are liars.
Wow. Great.
Well, if you let your parents
know about that tonight,
also make sure
to let them know that
the views expressed by
Mr. Collins
do not necessarily reflect
the opinions of this school
and we take no responsibility
for his statements, okay?
Mr. Collins, could I have
a word with you outside?
Well, I'm in the middle
of teaching my class,
so not really.
Are you F-U-C-K-ing
with me right now?
You know they can spell, right?
Get outside!
ALL [IN UNISON]: Ooh!
Guys, let's just play it cool.
We got this. Look, I think
I can safely say
that I trust everyone
in the room.
I trust Paige, I trust Andrew,
I trust, you know--
What's his name back there?
Buddy?
If there's something
you wanna say, just say it.
I made you an appointment
with the therapist
and you never showed up.
Well, I mean,
I totally forgot,
and I'm really, really,
really sorry.
Stop undermining me,
Mr. Collins.
You're always
undermining me.
This is just like
the faculty luncheon e-mail.
The faculty luncheon
e-mail?
That's still on your mind?
That's still a concern of your?
How dare you.
You know what? I didn't
wanna have to do this--
Oh, no, no. No.
Can't fire me. Tenure.
Not yet. But I can do
something almost as bad.
Hold on. Think about
what you're doing.
Mr. Collins,
I'm officially naming you...
Please don't.
That's not necessary.
...director of this year's
school play!
[ALL APPLAUDING]
You witch.
What?!
What are you trying to do?
I am assistant principal.
You don't think I have enough
on my plate?
Why didn't you answer
my luncheon e-mail?
You know what? Have fun
directing the play.
Send it to my inbox
so I can not answer it!
Don't blame me if you get
a sandwich you don't like!
Get the fuck out
of here!
[GRUNTING AND PANTING]
He is not worth it, ma'am.
He's not worth it.
You get the school
attorney down here now!
[♪♪♪]
Yeah.
So I just called Google,
and they won't take
the pictures down.
Why are you
showing me this?
What do you want me
to do with it?
Well, your husband's
a doctor, so--
[PHONE RINGS]
The school attorney is here.
Send him in.
[SIGHS]
All right. Go.
I went over Mr. Collins' file.
He has tenure.
He does.
From this school.
Unfortunately.
Has he slept with any students?
What?
So that's a no?
That's a no.
You could get the entire
school board to vote him out.
But it needs to be
unanimous.
And they haven't agreed
on anything since 1987.
Oh, I'll find a way
to make it unanimous.
No, I don't think so.
No, but I think
I'll find a way. You know?
No, probably not.
You could assign him the
school play as a punishment.
I already did that.
Hmm.
You know what you could do.
Listen, guys, I know
we're all probably
thinking the same thing.
"It's 3:00. What the hell
am I doing here?"
Um, you're all here
because we were not allowed to
have auditions, which is fine.
And I'm here
because I'm being punished.
So let's all just kind of band
together and get through this.
Okay?
You know, if I have any word
of advice at the top here,
it's, uh, speak the speech.
We don't really know
who these characters are yet.
Um, maybe just bring a little
piece of yourself into it.
And we'll have a wonderful time
discovering them together.
Whenever you're ready,
Zach.
"Once upon a time,
there were three little pigs.
They lived happily--"
Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there.
Um, it's missing something.
It's missing some conviction.
Maybe...
Okay, I don't wanna give you
a line read here,
but, you know,
"Once upon a time."
"Once upon a time,
there were three little pigs.
They lived happily in
their three little homes."
"My house is made of straw.
And that's all I need."
What? It says that?
That sucks.
"My house is made out of sticks.
That makes me happy."
No. No, no, no. Hold on.
Let me just see that.
Holy Lord.
This script is awful.
I mean, my God.
Okay, you know what,
let's just call that Day One.
So good rehearsal, everyone.
See you tomorrow,
Mr. Collins.
Yeah. Maybe.
[♪♪♪]
[ALL CHATTERING]
♪ She kinda looks like me ♪
♪ Instead of climbing trees ♪
Why, if it isn't
Madame Jennifer.
Ah, the Pied Peter.
[IMITATES FLUTE]
Ah, Captain Morgan.
Good day to you, matey.
Chairman Mao-llary.
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Abigail,
can I have a moment?
Yes, absolutely.
I'm supposed to observe
your class today.
That's right.
We're all ready for you.
I'm gonna have to reschedule.
How's next Tuesday?
Oh, next Tuesday is great.
Um, is everything okay?
Everything is fine.
We just have something
more urgent to attend to.
Hmm, yes, it looks like
Mr. Collins's tenure
is looking
a little "tenurous."
What?
Is that not a word?
Shut up.
Definitely.
See you next Tuesday.
Yeah, we'll see you then.
Guy's wife leaves him,
thinks he can F me in the A.
No, sirree.
[♪♪♪]
Hi, Ethan.
What's going on with you?
What happened?
My wife left me.
I know.
I heard. I'm so sorry.
You know? Wait. Why'd you
ask me what happened?
I don't...
How are you doing
with that?
Well, there's another guy
in the picture.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Yeah, me too.
I, uh...
I've been fantasizing about
hunting him down
and killing him slowly,
but, knowing Lauren,
he's probably a really good gu.
What?
I think Gruber is planning
a surprise observation
of your class this afternoon.
What? Really?
This afternoon?
Yes. Soon, probably.
How do you know?
Just by the way
she was acting earlier.
I have to go prepare.
Um...
Why'd you tell me?
Thanks. Thank you.
Um, all right, guys,
recess is over early.
We gotta go prepare
for something.
Paige! Trevor!
Where are you guys?
I don't think your class
has recess right now.
What? Shit!
[ALL CHATTERING]
[PANTING]
You guys are all in here.
I thought
you were at recess.
Man, you know, maybe
I really am a bad teacher.
Okay, there's no time
for that now.
Guys, I gotta ask you
something, okay?
Do you want rules
to come back?
ALL [IN UNISON]:
No!
Right? Um...
And you like being treated
respectfully, like adults?
ALL [IN UNISON]:
Yes! Of course!
Okay. So listen up.
[♪♪♪]
How's that?
Tighter.
Is that right?
Yup.
Zach, buddy,
don't wipe that off, man.
We don't have time
to re-do it, okay?
All right.
Paige, you're good to go.
Did you clear
the Internet histories?
Yup.
Okay.
Trevor. Where's Trevor?
I need Trevor.
Trevor. Trevor, come here.
Listen, buddy.
I need your help.
I wouldn't be doing this
unless it was an emergency.
I'm coming to you with
my hat in my hand.
Okay.
You're the only one
who can pull this off.
I need you to be
my Code Red.
What does that mean?
Well, why me?
Honestly, dude?
You're unusually sneaky
for a child.
I'll do it for 50 bucks.
Fifty?
Twenty.
What is that? Peanut butter?
Yeah.
Here we go.
It looks like his days
are tenured.
That's what I should
have said earlier.
What? Enough. Stop it.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Are you ready?
Let's nail this GD A-hole.
Yes? May I help you?
Yes, Mr. Collins, I was--
What are you doing here?
Get out of here.
Go answer my phones.
Right away.
Sorry to drop in on you
like this, Mr. Collins,
but I'd like to sit in
and observe your class.
Yeah, absolutely.
There's a seat next to Trevor.
Go right ahead.
Okay, guys,
we're gonna continue
to review yesterday's
lesson, all right?
Let's see here.
Hey, Holly.
In order to defray the cost
of keeping troops in America,
what did the British
Parliament enact and when?
HOLLY:
The Stamp Act of 1765.
Good, but do you think
you could be more specific?
Sorry, Mr. Collins.
March 22nd, 1765.
Very nice. Great.
Thank you.
Oh, you know what, guys,
this next one is a Free For Al!
[ALL CHEERING]
Oh, man. Okay, here it is.
March 18th, 1766!
I knew you guys would
know this one,
just because we've been
working so hard
and sticking to
the school-assigned lesson pla.
Cool. March 18th, 1766.
Zach, who are
we talking about?
The British Parliament.
Absolutely.
And what did they do? Paige?
Repealed the Stamp Act.
Yes, they did. What did
they issue in its place?
Hit it out of the park for me,
Mark-- Matt.
The Declaratory Act.
ETHAN:
Give yourselves
a round of applause.
How about that? That was...
That was good.
Gosh, you know,
you guys love to learn.
It's inspiring.
I think you've all earned
some school-approved,
gluten-free,
sugarless fruit chewies.
Here's one for you.
Careful.
Paige, I think
you've earned yours.
Trevor, you don't need
any more sugar.
Hannah-- I mean, Holly.
Camille, Zach, uh, Buddy.
Grumpy face over there.
All right.
Moving right along.
The Townshend Acts of 1767.
Camille.
Mr. Collins, could I ask
the kids some questions?
Um...
I'll stay in
your lesson plan.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Um, I think that would
be fun for everyone.
Uh, oh, I'm so sorry, Trevor.
Did you have a question?
What? No.
Are you sure?
Oh, yes. Can I go to
the bathroom? Code Red.
Code Red.
You can just say number two,
Trevor. Take the pass.
And, uh, where were we?
Right.
Assistant Principal Gruber,
you were going to ask
a few questions.
Yes, I was.
Let's start with
an easy one.
Who can tell me
what two countries
fought in
the Revolutionary War, huh?
Anybody?
Hey, Ms. Moore. Don't mind me.
Just going to poop.
Anyone?
You seem to know a lot.
Anyone at all?
[FIRE ALARM WAILING]
Oh, my God. Fire!
Guys, that means fire.
That's bad.
We gotta leave.
Fire's bad. We gotta leave.
Whoa, just one second, kids!
No, no, no.
Come on, guys.
We don't wanna get burned.
How dare you stall them
during a fire alarm? Honestly.
I have half a mind
to report you for this.
[ALL YELLING]
False alarm.
Someone may have pulled it.
Little turds.
Don't look at me like that.
You don't know them.
You guys were incredible,
seriously.
And I'm sorry about
those shitty snacks.
I'll get you great snacks.
What are you looking for,
Mr. Collins?
Well, someone
I know might be here.
Who?
A firefighter, Holly.
A firefighter that
Mr. Collins loves very much.
Did everybody make it
out okay?
Yeah, we're safe.
Thanks.
Good.
Abby, seriously,
thank you.
I don't think you deserve
to be fired.
Well, that's debatable.
I'm so sorry. Lauren's over
there. I gotta talk to her.
Yeah, of course.
ETHAN: Thanks again!
Hey.
Ethan. Hey.
I, uh, thought
I might see you here.
Ha. Yeah. Yeah.
So how's...
How's the tattoo?
Uh, well, it's still there.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, I haven't
figured out
what to change "Lauren"
to yet, though.
How are you?
Well, they've ordered me
to direct the school play
so, you know,
not fantastic.
I meant, how are you holding up
with everything?
Oh. You know.
Uh, you know.
You know. You know.
You know, you know, you know.
You know? How's, um...
How's everything with you?
How's the, uh, the new guy?
Oh, uh...
That's over.
Really?
Yeah. I realized it was a little
soon to jump into something,
so...
Oh.
But that doesn't change anything
between us, Ethan, you know,
because our problems
were...
Well, they were
our problems.
Right.
I would love to come
see the school play.
Really? You would?
Yeah, totally.
That would be amazing.
Okay.
Yes. Absolutely.
Um, yes.
I'll forward you the details.
I'll send you
the details.
Yeah, send me the details.
I'll send you
all the details.
We just gotta figure out,
like, location, uh,
time, date, stuff like that.
Location's probably gonna be
the big auditorium.
Just gotta lock that down.
Thinking maybe having a month
of rehearsal or something.
But then we'll,
you know. We'll...
As soon as the details
are solidified,
I can send you the details.
You'll have them.
You'll have the details
and you can come to the play.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye, Ethan.
Hey, how'd I do
with Code Red?
Uh, well, saying Code Red
out loud wasn't ideal.
But you did great.
I know you don't
like me, Trevor.
But you really saved my ass.
You're a man of your word.
Thank you.
[♪♪♪]
All right, where are you guys?
There you are. Listen.
Take, uh, your scripts out
of your binders. Out.
Take them out.
Now hold them up.
Hold them up.
Yeah.
And tear them up.
Go ahead. Tear them up.
I'm telling you.
Yes, sir! Let's--
Okay, no, you know,
that's okay.
I'll just get scissors later
or something.
Actually,
that's good paper.
Guys, we shouldn't
waste that.
We'll make it scrap paper.
Okay.
Listen, guys,
I think we all agreed
during our last rehearsal
that this play kind of sucks
the big one.
Uh, the characters' expectations
for their happiness
are unrealistic
and over-simplified.
And the language.
Snooze fest.
Am I right?
Uh, so that,
uh, combined with the knowledge
that someone very special
is going to be
in the audience
has actually inspired me
to write a new play.
So we're not doing the three
little pigs and the wolf?
Sort of.
Um, we're going to do
the two little pigs
and no wolf.
And ,uh, also,
the pigs are not pigs.
So who are we playing?
That is a great question,
Joey.
You, sir,
will be assuming the role
of Ethan Collins.
That's me.
Whoa.
Paige, you'll be playing
the role of Lauren, my wife.
I thought she was your ex-wife.
Not yet.
Zach, you will remain narrator.
Okay?
And, uh, Holly,
you'll be assuming
the role of mother-in-law.
So there's no wolf?
Oh, no,
there's still a wolf.
Um, but from now on,
we're gonna refer to him
as "home wrecker."
Okay?
Who is he?
He's the villain.
[♪♪♪]
Can we talk?
Uh, sure. Talk.
Alone.
Can we have a minute?
[SIGHS]
What do you got there, huh?
Some ants on a log?
Yeah, what of it?
Do you like candy?
Of course I do.
I don't know anyone
who doesn't like candy.
Well, then, I'll just get
right to the point, then.
Yeah.
Now, there is a lot more
where that came from.
Okay.
Can you sit somewhere else?
No.
I never said that you were,
Lauren.
But it's hard for me when you
point out yet another thing
we can't afford
on my teacher's salary.
Ugh, okay, Joey, I just wanna
take that line again.
Mm-hmm.
Do you need her
to lead you into it?
Yeah.
Okay, Paige.
I'm not trying to--
Emasculate.
I'm not trying to
emasculate you, Ethan.
Uh, Paige, actually,
let's change that.
Okay, we're gonna make it, um,
"I'm not always trying
to emasculate you, Ethan."
Just add "always."
Okay, Joey, sorry.
Whenever you're ready.
I never said that you were,
Lauren.
But it's hard for me
we can't afford
on my teacher's salary.
ZACH:
That's the night
the straw house collapsed.
Lauren and E--
Zach, I'm so sorry.
Um, Joey, I just wanna go back
to that line again.
And, uh, tsk, you know,
let's give it another read.
And this time, maybe,
I don't know, believe it.
Is that too much to ask?
I thought I did it great.
Okay, you thought so.
But let's just try it again.
I never said that
you were, Lauren.
But it's hard for me
when you--
ETHAN:
It's just, um...
[CLICKING TONGUE]
Um...
Uh, it's just not...
Not totally working for me
right now.
At all.
Joey, do you wanna be
an actor?
Sure, I guess.
Okay. Why?
I don't know.
You don't know?
Then I don't know
why I'm watching you.
You're dismissed. Just leave
your play on the way out.
You think I need this,
Collins?
I'm out of here!
See? I bought that.
So am I back in?
No. I'm sorry,
it's not gonna work out.
We need a new Ethan.
[♪♪♪]
You spoke to my assistant
on the school bus yesterday.
Maybe I did.
Maybe I didn't.
You know who I am?
I have a filing cabinet filled
with confiscated candy.
It's yours if you want it.
What's the catch?
You're part of something
much bigger now, Trevor.
I want you to spy
on Mr. Collins.
How would I do that?
ETHAN:
Okay, guys,
that last Gruber visit
was a pretty close call.
So we're gonna have to try
to actually learn something.
I'm sorry. Let's see.
"It was our Founding Fathers
who secured the Independence
of, um, blah, blah, blah."
[MUMBLING]
Let's...
Um, you know,
I'm just gonna jump ahead here.
The British whatnot-- Okay.
You guys know that
we used to belong to England?
And then England
got weird about it.
Right? Did you know that?
Can we skip that?
Hey, Trevor,
could you put your bag
on the floor, please?
Thank you. Um...
So next up,
we've got Thomas Jefferson.
What's that?
A tape recorder.
Why do you have it?
To record the lesson.
Why?
To help me with my homework.
Fine.
Yeah. Knock yourself out.
Okay.
Where was I? Um...
Jefferson something?
Thomas Jefferson.
That's boring.
We can skip that.
Uh, okay.
Uh, the Constitution.
No one cares. Okay.
Um, Civil War.
No one cares.
I did not mean it like that,
Andrew.
I care very much.
Oh, you know what,
here's actually--
This one's kind of interesting.
Watergate.
[♪♪♪]
It was a...
A wire-tapping scandal.
Like a spying thing.
The year was 1972.
Took place in a hotel.
The Watergate Hotel.
President Richard Nixon
was in office at the time.
And everyone involved
considered it
an enormous and
unforgivable betrayal.
The country never recovered.
You could say that
all of our country's problems
are due to Watergate.
So I think this would be
a good time
to break out into
discussion groups.
And discuss
the various lessons
and interesting things
that we reviewed
this morning.
So if you all don't mind,
simply--
Okay, emergency recess.
Come on, guys,
get out of here. Let's go.
Not you. You sit.
[KIDS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Why not me?
[SIGHS]
Really, man? Really?
Are you mad at me?
Am I in trouble?
Ugh, I'm not mad.
Um, I'm just processing.
I get it.
Yeah. She shouldn't have
put you in this position.
So are we cool?
Can I go to recess now?
Yeah, we're cool.
Go ahead.
Wait, Trevor.
Just one thing.
That story
you were giving me
about recording the lesson
for homework.
You really sold it.
I believed you.
You can act.
[♪♪♪]
That's okay, I got that.
I'll pay for her meal, please.
Wow, thanks, Trevor.
May I speak with you?
Sure.
Let's sit.
So, what's up?
So Collins wants me
to do the play.
Oh, that's great.
He wants me to play
your husband.
Oh. I see.
I guess I just wanted
to say that
I know our breakup
was rough,
but I really thought those
three weeks together
were really special
and I'd be honored
to act with you,
I just wanted to see
how you felt.
Hmm.
Well, I'm willing to be
an adult about it if you are.
What's that supposed to mean,
Ethan?
I'm tired of you bringing
your mother into everything.
Oh, grow up.
I don't bring her into anythin.
You bring her
into the bedroom.
PAIGE:
She knew we wanted
to get pregnant.
She was just giving us advice.
She was giving you advice
because
I couldn't get it up.
Oh, baby,
you know I don't care--
Paige, sorry,
stop just for a second, um...
Um...
It's good, um...
I just...
I think maybe
you're not totally
grasping the stakes
of the scene.
I'm a vegan.
Okay. That's okay.
Yeah, let's take 10, everyone.
You know that
if you put this play up,
you'll get fired, right?
Hmm, maybe.
But Lauren
needs to see this.
Do you really think
that's gonna help anything?
Ugh, I don't know.
You know, I don't think
I've ever told you this,
but when I was in high school,
my dream was to be
a cheerleader.
That's lame, I know.
But that's what I wanted to be.
I practiced my routine
for over a year,
and when I tried out
as a freshman
I didn't make the team.
I was crushed.
But you know what?
I tried out again
my sophomore year,
and I didn't make it again.
And as crushed
as I was the first time, I mea,
that second
time was so much harder.
So then my junior year,
I try out--
And you didn't make it.
Please don't ruin my story.
Anyway, you're right.
I didn't make it.
But that was just
really devastating.
You know what my mom
said to me?
She said,
"Honey, you're going to make it.
So I try out again
my senior year, my last year.
And you made it.
Oh, no, no, I didn't.
Oh, okay.
But a few weeks into the season,
there was this bus crash
and basically with half
the team gone,
they needed anyone
they could get
and I was available.
So I got to cheer.
I got to cheer my senior year.
So now, Ethan,
I'm telling you,
"Honey,
you're going to make it."
What?
So okay, let me just see
if I can wrap my head
around this.
You got to cheer
your senior year
because half of the cheerleading
team died in a bus crash?
Oh.
Oh, wow, yeah.
I guess when you put it
in those terms
it's actually
super depressing.
You mean when I put it in the
terms of exactly what happened.
Yeah.
And it's depressing for,
like, five different reasons.
Because your dreams
were crushed.
But a bunch of cheerleaders
literally
were crushed in a bus crash.
Heh, do you feel any better?
Yeah, I feel great now.
No. No, I don't.
What are you laughing about?
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not laughing about the
bus crash. I'm just laughing,
ha, at my own complete
obliviousness.
You know? To how horrifying
my inspirational story was.
No, right, I get it.
Mm.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hey, maybe you have some things
to work out.
Hmm. Yeah.
Maybe I should write a play.
I would be horrified to see it.
No.
Mr. Collins?
Yeah?
Matt used the prop toilet.
Oh, that's okay.
Wait, one or two?
Code Red.
Shit.
I have to go take care
of this.
Oh, I'll help you.
[♪♪♪]
Willy, get me the fax number
for the school board.
Which member?
All of them.
You really came through
on this one, Willy.
Nice work.
We've got him.
[♪♪♪]
Got who?
♪ This little light of mine ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
♪ Oh, this little light
Of mine ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
♪ This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine ♪
♪ Let it shine, let it shine
Let it shine ♪
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Is she here yet?
No, not yet.
Can you tie my tie?
Oh, I don't really know
how to. I'm sorry.
But I've seen you wear
a tie.
Well, uh,
Lauren tied all my ties.
I never untied them.
Huh. That's really symbolic,
you know?
ABIGAIL:
Five minutes, guys.
Five minutes.
♪ Oh, everywhere I go ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it
I'm gonna let it shine ♪
Mr. Collins?
Yes, Holly, what is it?
I changed "loser"
to "gutless"
in my Thanksgiving monologue
in Act II.
It's interesting. Why?
It just felt more specific.
Yeah, that's good.
Keep that.
Sounds even more like my
mother-in-law than what I wrot.
So nice work.
Thanks.
Matt used
the prop toilet again.
Uh, we'll take care
of that later. Okay.
♪ This little light of mine ♪
♪I'm gonna let it shine♪
♪ Oh, this little light
Of mine ♪
ABIGAIL:
Three minutes.
Full house.
Not quite.
She could still show.
Let's hope so.
If not, what's the point?
You know, that really sucks,
Ethan.
We all worked hard on this,
and maybe it means something
to us too.
Oh, no,
that's not what I meant--
One minute, guys.
I tried to stop her,
Mr. Collins.
That's okay, Zach.
Get on your mark.
I'll take care of this.
Okay?
♪ Let it shine ♪
What the hell do you want?
Only to wish
a fellow faculty member
good luck
on his opening night.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah, and I also
wanna let you know
I got my hands
on a copy of the script
and I sent it
to the school board.
You did?
Yeah.
And you know what? Heh.
In an amazing coincidence,
they called me this morning
to request
an emergency meeting
to discuss you.
Well, that's an amazing
coincidence.
Yeah. So I'll see you
at the meeting.
We're gonna hold it
right after the play.
The entire school board
is here to see the show.
I know those meetings
can be a drag,
but don't worry,
it'll be the last one
you'll ever attend.
Tenure your way out
of this one.
Ha!
[♪♪♪]
Chapter one,
things fall apart.
This...
represents my life's work.
This...
is what it's worth now.
Do you think this will get
Ms. McCallister off our backs?
Oh, Willy, grow up.
This is so much bigger
than McCallister.
Oh.
Make sure Collins
doesn't leave the building.
I can't hold this up on my own,
Ethan. I need your help.
I know, baby. I know.
I just had this idea,
and I'm trying to remember
what it was.
As soon as I find it,
I'll help you.
This is falling!
I need you now!
Hold on, Lauren.
Just give me one minute.
Giving up on a dream doesn't
make you a loser, Ethan.
But giving up on me, giving up
on us, that makes you a loser.
TREVOR:
Just one more minute, baby.
PAIGE:
I'm gonna find someone else.
Someone who gives a shit.
Lauren, just wait a minute.
Please, no.
Fuck you! Fuck you
for making me do this.
No. No!
♪ I close my eyes ♪
♪ And I dream of your touch ♪
♪ I wanna feel you inside ♪
♪ Your skin on mine ♪
Gruber wanted to me to stop you,
but I believe in you, man.
What, who are you?
I'm Willy.
Hey, narrator.
Yeah?
Do you know how
this next scene is gonna go?
Not well.
Lauren! Wait!
What is wrong with you?
I was trying to show--
Are you out of your mind?
If you stay until the end--
Look, none of this
even matters.
Of course it does.
Of course it matters.
I mean, that scene,
that was to say, like,
I get it. I fucked it up.
I wasn't there for you--
Stop. Please stop.
[SIGHS]
I met someone else.
No, I know. It's--
You said that was over.
We can work through that.
I mean--
No. No.
I met
another someone else.
Another someone else?
Lauren, I think if we--
Ethan, please.
What we had...
it's broken.
Okay? It's--
It's broken.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[♪♪♪]
I'm Willy.
Hi, Willy.
♪Stick around please♪
♪Wait out through the fall♪
♪ I'm not right
In the howling wind ♪
♪ What you have is
Something special ♪
♪Reserved for only me♪
♪ And you heart
That burns with fire ♪
And they lived happily
ever after.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
♪ The only one ♪
[CHEERING]
♪ Don't you give it away ♪
♪ Come on and save the world
For me, girl ♪
♪ Don't you give it away ♪
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
♪ Need it ♪
♪ Got to have it ♪
[CHEERING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
♪ What you have is
A warm disposition ♪
ABIGAIL:
Trevor,
don't pee with your mic on.
People can hear you.
I have to go pee.
Well, at least turn
your mic off--
Trevor, you need to go now.
This is the boys' bathroom.
Was I that bad?
Trevor. Go.
Is that
the Rope of Friendship?
It used to be.
Ethan, don't.
Get out of here, Abby.
This isn't the answer for you.
You need to get out now.
Listen to me--
Get out of here!
Please be quiet!
Have you ever eaten gelato
on the streets of Florence?
What?
Yes.
Oh. Oh.
Have you ever been caught
in a light spring rain in Pari?
It's the most--
Yeah. I have, actually.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
I bet you haven't seen
the White Cliffs of Dover
from the ocean--
Lauren and I backpacked
through most of Europe in 2009.
Listen, Ethan, I get it.
No, you don't.
I know how
much you're hurting.
No offense, but...
you really don't.
I really do.
I haven't figured out
what to change it to yet.
Ethan, I've been there.
I've been on the toilet
in the school bathroom
with the Rope of Friendship
around my neck.
I mean, not literally,
like metaphorically.
I'm going to come up there.
Don't, Abby.
Yeah, I'm going to. Okay?
Don't. Don't.
Here I come.
[GASPS]
Hey, I'm here.
[♪♪♪]
It's just pain, Ethan.
It's just pain.
Please get off the toilet?
TREVOR:
Mr. Collins.
That's very sweet of you,
Trevor.
Um, I was just coming down
though.
Is that permanent marker?
Yeah, your mom's
gonna kill me.
["BETTER DAYS"
BY REDDING HUNTER PLAYING]
♪ My old man, he sailed away ♪
♪ By boat upon the sea ♪
♪ My mother
Held her head high ♪
♪ And smiled down on me ♪
There you are. They need you
in that meeting. I'm sorry.
Thank you, Willy.
Um, okay,
I have to go get fired.
Sorry.
Should I walk with you?
Um, I'll be okay.
I'll-- I'll walk with you.
Uh, Trevor, we'll catch you.
Hey, Trevor.
I wasn't up there
because of you, man.
You did a great fucking job.
Thanks, Mr. Collins.
♪ And you
You were my friend ♪
♪ When I had nothing
To my name ♪
♪ When all the world
Turned on me ♪
♪ You still treated me
The same ♪
♪ And we've been through hell
You and me ♪
♪ Caught drama
Girl tragedy ♪
All right.
Here we go.
Good luck.
Thank you.
Really, thank you.
Like, what's gonna happen,
you know?
Yeah.
Wait, who are you?
My name's Willy.
JERRY:
Excellent. Mr. Collins,
please come in. Have a seat.
I'm Jerry Trask,
head of the school board.
I'm also obligated
to inform you
that present as well is a member
of the Teacher's Union,
Heather Simms.
Well said, Heather,
thank you.
Do you know
why you're here today?
Come on,
let's get to the firing.
Whoa. No one said
anything about firing.
No one said anything
about firing.
Not, of course, before we hear
Mr. Collins' explanation
of what happened.
Uh, well, I mean,
I just thought that
the play would be a great
opportunity for the children--
Sorry, the play?
Why are talking about the play?
What do you mean?
Because it was an atrocity.
It wasn't the best-acted play
of all time,
but the kids are what,
10 years old?
Are we not here to discuss the
deplorable content of that play
and to take action
against this man?
No, we are not.
There was cursing and
inappropriate content.
Yeah, but it's art
or whatever.
I demand a vote on this.
I thought the play
was fantastic.
Really great work.
Yes, it resonated with me
as well,
reminded me
of my first divorce.
Great.
Uh, so the vote is taken.
Everybody enjoyed the play.
But I faxed you a copy of it,
then you called me the next day
to request this meeting.
What?
That wasn't about the play.
That was a coincidence.
No, we'd like to talk
to you today
about something else,
something very serious.
Oh, my God.
I know what this is about.
I won Teacher of the Year,
didn't I?
My students nominated me,
and I won.
That's not even close.
Why would--?
No.
Oh.
Mr. Collins, you're here
because your entire class
failed their SAKS tests.
Oh. Awesome. Thank God. Ha!
What? Let's fire this MF-er.
Okay-- Well, Hannah,
as you may remember,
Mr. Collins has tenure.
So that's not exactly
a possibility at the moment.
But we do want to hear
an explanation.
HEATHER:
Mr. Collins,
wouldn't it be fair to say
these children are of
below-average intelligence?
That could easily explain
this all away.
Uh, no. No,
they're really bright kids.
HEATHER:
Then perhaps there were
extenuating circumstances
which would allow the students
to retake the test.
Perhaps the environment
in which they took the test
was compromised.
Perhaps a distracting moth
flew into the room,
making it impossible
to focus on the test.
Because of the moth.
Super loud moth?
Mr. Collins, all that we're
looking to hear from you
is you did everything
within your power
to prepare your students
for that test.
Did you?
I, uh...
I did.
I'm convinced. That settles it.
Thank you very much
for your time.
This is ridiculous.
That man is unfit to teach.
So when should I have
the students retake the test?
Not till next year,
once they repeat fifth grade.
They have to repeat
the grade?
Well, the entire class failed,
so...
definitely.
[♪♪♪]
Uh, no. Uh, no.
No, you can't do that
to them, um...
There was an extenuating
circumstance.
Don't say extenuating
circum--
[ALL SIGH]
The, uh...
The extenuating circumstance
was me.
The children failed
because of me.
I'm, uh--
I'm an awful teacher.
So are you saying--
Which I don't think you are.
--that you did not do everything
in your power to prepare them?
That's what I'm saying.
You understand that
even with tenure, that's...
That's a fireable offense.
Yes, I understand that.
So they'll get to retake
the test, right?
[SIGHS]
They will.
And...
you're fired.
Thank you.
Well, I must say,
I mean, this is--
This is incredibly fortunate.
I mean, he was an awful
influence on the children, and-
Hey, guys, I am so sorry
to interrupt, um...
Yeah, let's, uh...
Uh, assistant Principal
Gruber, um,
Trevor just had something
he wanted to say to you.
It's okay, buddy. Go ahead.
Assistant Principal Gruber,
I know that you wanted me
to illegally spy
on Mr. Collins
while he was teaching,
but I just can't do it.
Even for all that confiscated
candy you offered me as a brib.
ETHAN:
Yeah, a bribe.
Uh, an inappropriate bribe
to a child.
And what about your sworn
affidavit, buddy?
This outlines what we discussed
at our secret meetings.
ETHAN:
Secret meetings
with a child.
Um, between an adult
and a child in secret.
Uh, signature's at the bottom,
it's legally binding.
Yeah, signature's at the bottom.
Signed it. Great.
Uh, I think that's it.
Uh, I want to thank you
all again
just for coming out tonight.
It meant a lot to me,
uh, and to the cast,
uh, and we also just found out
that we sold out the weekend,
including the matinee, so...
that's great.
Uh, cool.
You wanna say goodbye?
Bye, Assistant Principal Gruber.
Goodbye forever.
Wait, what do you mean,
"forever"?
Well, her reign of terror
is over.
[♪♪♪]
["ALL BECAUSE OF YOU"
PLAYING]
♪ I can laugh ♪
♪ I can smile ♪
♪ Hold my head way up high ♪
♪ Baby, it's all... ♪
Hey. How did it go?
They fired you, didn't they?
Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
I'll tell you about it later.
[KIDS CHUCKLE]
Hey, Willy. Hey, kids.
Um, you know what?
Let's go find a karaoke bar
that doesn't card.
ALL [IN UNISON]:
Yeah!
ETHAN:
Dear Paige.
Dear Zach.
Dear Holly.
Dear Matt.
Dear Andrew.
Dear Buddy?
Dear Trevor.
As you've all probably heard
by now,
I'm not gonna
be your teacher anymore.
While this makes me very sad
because I won't get to see you
or hang out with you every da,
it also makes me
extremely happy
because I'm free now from
the shackles of that place.
I haven't been
a very good teacher
and my hope for you is
that you're able to forget
and move on from
our time together.
I do have one last lesson
for you though.
I think that in life
the best you can hope for
is to figure out
what you're passionate about
and pursue it full-force.
Then, when you start to come
to terms with the fact
that life will crush
your hopes and dreams
and that you will fail,
then you go and try
to make a difference
in a child's life.
Become a teacher.
At least temporarily.
Until, you know,
you figure out your next move.
If you wanna write me back--
Which I would love.
--just give your letters
to Miss Abigail.
I'm shacking up with her
for an unspecified period
of time right now.
Because Mr. Collins doesn't
have a steady source
of income or a place to live.
Also--
And please don't tell
the other students this.
--but you were always
my favorite.
Sincerely, Mr. Collins.
Hey, guys, did he say you were
his favorite too?
[CHUCKLES]
That asshole.
[♪♪♪]
["YOUR GOOD LOVIN'" PLAYING]
♪ Ooh, baby ♪
♪ I would give up my life
For you, girl ♪
♪ Just say the word ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I can't live in this world
Without you ♪
♪ You're what I see ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ 'Cause your love
Makes me stronger ♪
♪ And without it
I can't go on ♪
♪ You better believe
What I say ♪
♪ You just say the word ♪
♪ I can't go on this way ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ Your good, good lovin' ♪
♪ Without you ♪
♪ My life ain't no good ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ I'd be dead ♪
♪ Dead ♪
♪ Dead ♪
♪ Dead ♪
♪ Like a piece of wood ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'm no good ♪
♪ Good to myself ♪
♪ You or nobody else ♪
♪ You better believe
What I say ♪
♪ Don't keep me hanging on ♪
♪ Let me die today ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ Your good, good lovin' ♪
♪ Talking to you, baby ♪
♪ My friends, they don't know ♪
♪ For the smile
All that shows ♪
♪ And the pain I have inside ♪
♪ And all the lonely nights ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ Your good, good lovin' ♪
♪ Your good, good lovin' ♪
♪ Your good, good lovin' ♪
♪ Your good, good lovin' ♪
AND YELLING]
[♪♪♪]
Don't.
Is this working for you,
this collision course we're on?
Trevor, ah,
why is what you did bad?
Because it makes you
look like an asshole.
That's right.
It makes Mr. Collins look like
a complete asshole.
Yeah, it does.
Right. Exactly.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, you know what?
Fuck you, man.
Honestly, I really don't
have it in me
to play games with you
today.
Trevor, I need you
to promise me
that you will not throw
a ball in my face again
and we can move
on from this.
I just, uh,
I need to hear you say that.
Go ahead.
Whenever you're ready.
Here's the thing.
I can't promise you that.
Wow.
I think we're done here.
TREVOR:
You look like shit.
I know. Thank you.
What's up with you?
Um, I'm pretty sure my wife
is leaving me, Trevor.
Well, did you try writing
her a poem?
That's what I did
when I was dating Paige.
It was like:
What's your wife's name?
Lauren.
Oh, so, like: L is for lady,
A is for aweso--
I'm not gonna write her
a poem. It's stupid.
Aren't you a writer?
Ah, not anymore.
Why?
Just gave up on it.
Why?
It didn't work out.
Why not?
Because I was foolish enough
to chase a dream.
And now I'm, you know,
your fucking teacher.
You know what helped me
when Paige and I broke up?
What?
Shel Silverstein.
Great.
You should get into him.
Thank you. I-- Maybe.
Please leave now.
[SIGHS]
Trevor, don't!
[ALL CHATTERING]
Mr. Collins?
Yes.
Brittany, what is it?
I'm Paige.
Is there a Brittany
in this class?
No.
How may I help you,
Paige?
Do you have any super glue?
Yeah, top drawer.
Oh, wait.
Don't use all of it.
Mr. Collins?
Uh, yes?
Can I scoop the fish out
of the fish tank?
Yeah, yeah, go for it.
Mr. Collins?
Ah, Jesus. Yes?
Can I go on the roof?
Uh, yeah, but let me make
an announcement first, okay?
Hey, guys? Guys?
Uh, I really need
to focus right now
on this poem
that I'm writing
to sort of let my wife know
where I am mentally
so I can try
to win her back.
Um, and the constant
distractions
are incredibly
distracting.
So for the rest of class,
if you have a question for me,
just, uh, yes.
The answer is yes.
All right?
Enjoy the roof.
[ALL CHEERING
AND CHATTERING]
That is so pretty.
GIRL: Thank you.
I drew a picture of you,
Ms. Abigail.
Oh, let's see.
It's beautiful.
Let's hang it on
the Rope of Friendship.
Matt?
Hey, Ms. Abigail.
What are you doing out there?
Just hanging out.
Where are your clothes?
On the roof.
I-- Okay. What?
[ALL CHATTERING]
Hi, Ethan.
Uh, I don't mean
to interrupt your lesson,
but, um, Matt wandered off,
so I brought him back.
He left his clothes on the roof,
but I couldn't find them
so I just got him something
out of Lost and Found.
Okay.
Yeah, thank you.
Also, your fish
had gotten out.
Uh, I found them flopping
around in the hallway.
One of them was super glued
to the floor
so he didn't make it.
Okay.
Are you okay?
Let's say, yes.
Oh, also, don't forget to
answer Hannah's e-mail
about the faculty luncheon.
It's in regards to
your sandwich preferences.
Spoiler alert,
I picked portobello.
Which one is Hannah?
Assistant Principal
Hannah Gruber.
Oh, well, just say that,
then, Abby.
How did the SAKS
test go?
Oh, shit.
When was I supposed
to give that out?
Today.
ETHAN:
All right, guys.
We only have four minutes
to take this test.
So, uh, let's just focus
really hard.
And now we actually have,
uh, less than four minutes.
Really? I thought
we had the whole day.
They changed the rules.
The test you're about to take
is the Statewide Assessment
of Knowledge and Skills test.
You will have six hours
to comp, uh--
We'll just skip that,
it's not important.
Um...
In fact, uh, the answer
to question one
is D.
Yeah. So let's just
all go ahead
and mark the right answer,
which is D.
That's the right
answer there.
Question two is A.
Question three is C.
Mr. Collins, you never
turned in your SAKS tests.
We are actually, uh,
still working on it.
Why?
Uh, we just got
a late start.
Why did you get
a late start?
Um, it was just due to,
you know,
the lateness, um, of the time
of which we started,
which was incredibly late.
Save it.
Let's pick up the tests.
[♪♪♪]
Did you get my e-mail
about the faculty luncheon?
Mr. Coll--
Mr. Collins?
Excuse me.
ALL [IN UNISON]:
Chug! Chug! Chug!
[ALL CHATTERING
AND CHEERING]
BOY 1: Yeah, boy!
BOY 2: Yeah!
[INDISTINCT MUSIC PLAYING
OVER RADIO]
All right.
Thanks, dude.
Be good.
Mr. Collins.
Hannah.
What are you doing?
I was talking to you.
I didn't know
your first name was Hannah.
Did you get my e-mail
asking your preferences
for the faculty luncheon?
I have an e-mail account?
We have the McCallister
parent-teacher
conference tomorrow.
And I need you on
your absolute A-game.
If she sues the school again--
Great, see you tomorrow.
[♪♪♪]
Do you have
any sevens?
[INDISTINCT MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
Lauren?
Lauren.
Sorry. What?
Sevens, do you have
any sevens?
Oh, Uh...
No, sorry. Go fish.
[SIGHS]
Hey, Lauren?
I said, go fish.
No, I heard you.
It's not that.
Is everything okay?
How's everything
with Ethan?
It's not good, guys.
You wanna talk about it?
Oh, no.
This is the one place I can go
to get away from everything
so, honestly, I don't
even wanna think
about Ethan
when I'm here.
Ethan?
Hey, Lauren.
Hey, guys.
Hey. What's up, buddy?
Ethan.
Can we talk later?
No, wait.
Please, this is important.
You remember how,
in college,
we used to lock
my roommates out
and have sex
to Depeche Mode?
Uh, of course I do.
And we used to listen
to "Enjoy The Silence"
on repeat, just over
and over and over again?
Yeah.
ETHAN: Well...
All I ever wanted,
all I ever needed
is here on my arm.
Whoa!
Damn.
Oh, my God.
Ethan, that song is
about heroin.
Okay. Obviously, I didn't
mean to refer to heroin.
Um, can you guys give us
just one minute?
Yeah, yeah, no problem.
Of course.
MAN:
Real sorry, Ethan.
Seriously? Ethan.
ETHAN: What?
Uh...
Ethan, it's over.
You have to hear me.
It's... It's over.
Look, if it's because
of the tattoo, I...
I can't return it
or anything.
Lauren, this is ridiculous.
I was reading your letter
again this morning.
And I know things
have been fucked up
between us for a long time,
but I think--
Ethan, I met someone.
What?
It's really over.
[ALARM WAILING]
[ALL CHATTERING]
♪Make a drawing
Where does it go?♪
♪Look around the room
Because we all know♪
♪It's the Rope of Friendship
It's the color blue♪
♪ A special place to hang me
And you ♪
[♪♪♪]
Ethan?
Ethan.
Huh?
Oh, no.
I think you have
a parent-teacher conference.
Yes, thank you.
I'm just wrapping up
over here.
Did you sleep in your car?
No.
Are you being sarcastic?
No.
Are you?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Did you get a tattoo?
No.
Okay.
Do you know
where the meeting is?
In Hannah's office.
I can try to buy you
a few minutes
if you need a little time--
Oh, oh.
[VOMITING]
That's okay.
That's okay.
That's okay. I'll go get
the Too Much Lunch bucket.
He needs to go.
All right, let's...
Let's pump the brake
before we make a mistake.
Last week, I asked my son
what he was learning
and he said that
"nothing lasts forever."
And he's swearing now.
Where is that coming from?
And when I picked him up
yesterday,
he was wearing someone
else's clothes.
Mrs. McCallister,
I explained to you,
his clothes were
on the roof.
Yes. Why?
He took them off
on the roof.
Why?
Well, you make a good point.
Why don't we ask Matt?
Do not say anything.
Your lawyer will speak for you.
Please, let's not go down
that road again.
You know the old saying,
sue the school four times,
stop suing the school.
Mm-hmm. Just fire him
like you fired the others.
I would love to fire him,
but I cannot. He has tenure.
Does tenure protect a teacher
who falls asleep
during a parent-teacher
conference?
I honestly
can't answer that.
He's asleep right now.
Oh.
Mm-hmm? See?
Yes. Whose turn is it?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are we boring you?
Heh, what do you mean?
The thing you were saying
about your kid.
Oh, who's my kid?
I'm gonna go with...
I mean,
what's his name?
[MOUTHING]
Matt. Matt.
Math.
[BLOWS AIR]
Really? Okay.
Let me make myself
perfectly clear here.
I am not going to let
that man
stand in the way of my son
getting into Pebble Path
Middle School.
So you can either find
a way to fire him
or I can find someone
who will fire you.
Come on, Matt.
Matt!
I was gonna say Matt.
WOMAN: Hmm.
ETHAN: I was gonna say Matt.
I smell booze
but that's all I'm saying.
Maybe it's Matt.
I was seriously gonna
say Matt.
What the hell is
wrong with you?
My, uh...
My wife left me.
I'm sorry to hear that,
Mr. Collins,
but I'm putting you
on notice.
As per Union bylaws,
I am ordering you to see
the school therapist
and I am pursuing
the termination
of your contract
with this school.
She's gone.
What?
She's really gone.
Yes.
Have you listened
to anything I said?
Yeah, therapist.
Got it.
You know how they say, um,
"Those who can't do, teach"?
Right? You've heard that.
Uh, my dad used to say
that to me all the time.
Just to fuck with me.
And even though I knew,
like, rationally,
that he's just an asshole,
whatever,
he was just sort of
always there.
Uh, then when
I became a teacher, um,
I was thinking...
You know,
I started wondering,
is Lauren thinking
that about me?
Am I, you know,
can I not do?
Um...
And, I mean, when I gave up
on writing, that's like--
I just felt like the biggest
failure in the world.
And I felt like she felt
that about me and...
For the first few months
after I was a teacher,
Lauren and I couldn't
even have sex.
I just couldn't--
Like, it wasn't...
It wasn't happening for me,
you know.
I just didn't have,
you know...
I was trying but it just
couldn't happen. Um...
And I'm gonna be
completely honest with you,
just because I promised
I would be.
Um, I'm starting to think
maybe there's no point
to anything and...
Hey, Andrew.
Dude, I mean, I'm kind of in
the middle of some heavy shit.
Is there something you wanna
share with the whole class or?
You said you wanted to be
a writer more than anything.
Right.
Then you just gave up on it.
Go on.
Maybe the Lauren problem
is bigger than Lauren.
Holy shit.
Andrew, that's a great point,
but I wanna come back to that.
Can you remind me?
And we'll come back to it?
Um, let's shift gears
for a second.
What is, uh, this?
Let's talk about this.
What is settling?
Settling in life,
what is that?
Oh, no, you don't have
to raise your hands.
We don't have time
for hands.
Just spit it out
as it comes to you.
Cool, we'll do hands, yeah.
No wrong answers.
The pilgrims settled here.
Wrong answer. Anybody else?
Yeah, Matt. Hit me.
Is it a fruit?
A fruit?
A fruit.
No, dude.
Settling's not a fruit.
Is it pooping your pants?
[ALL LAUGH]
No, it isn't, Trevor.
Why? Did you poop
your pants again?
[ALL CHEERING]
Takes one to know one.
Heh, uh, really?
Because you, um...
What's wrong?
Poop in your mouth?
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
It has nothing to do with
poop, guys. Let's move on.
Where's the pen? What--?
Trevor,
bring that over here.
No.
Well, I'm not walking
over there.
Aren't you?
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
[ALL LAUGH]
Marriage.
Is marriage...
an antiquated notion?
My mommy and daddy
are married.
Yeah, for now.
Do you know what I mean?
Let me tell you
what I'm realizing here.
If there is one thing
you can take away
from our time together--
Strike two.
It's this.
Don't ever commit yourself
to another person, ever.
[SCOFFS]
Let's write that down.
I guess what I'm really
trying to say is that, um,
sometimes mommies lie
to daddies.
Uh, I'm not saying
your mommies are liars.
Just, you know, some
of them are, probably.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, kids. What are
we learning about today?
ALL [IN UNISON]:
Mommies are liars.
Wow. Great.
Well, if you let your parents
know about that tonight,
also make sure
to let them know that
the views expressed by
Mr. Collins
do not necessarily reflect
the opinions of this school
and we take no responsibility
for his statements, okay?
Mr. Collins, could I have
a word with you outside?
Well, I'm in the middle
of teaching my class,
so not really.
Are you F-U-C-K-ing
with me right now?
You know they can spell, right?
Get outside!
ALL [IN UNISON]: Ooh!
Guys, let's just play it cool.
We got this. Look, I think
I can safely say
that I trust everyone
in the room.
I trust Paige, I trust Andrew,
I trust, you know--
What's his name back there?
Buddy?
If there's something
you wanna say, just say it.
I made you an appointment
with the therapist
and you never showed up.
Well, I mean,
I totally forgot,
and I'm really, really,
really sorry.
Stop undermining me,
Mr. Collins.
You're always
undermining me.
This is just like
the faculty luncheon e-mail.
The faculty luncheon
e-mail?
That's still on your mind?
That's still a concern of your?
How dare you.
You know what? I didn't
wanna have to do this--
Oh, no, no. No.
Can't fire me. Tenure.
Not yet. But I can do
something almost as bad.
Hold on. Think about
what you're doing.
Mr. Collins,
I'm officially naming you...
Please don't.
That's not necessary.
...director of this year's
school play!
[ALL APPLAUDING]
You witch.
What?!
What are you trying to do?
I am assistant principal.
You don't think I have enough
on my plate?
Why didn't you answer
my luncheon e-mail?
You know what? Have fun
directing the play.
Send it to my inbox
so I can not answer it!
Don't blame me if you get
a sandwich you don't like!
Get the fuck out
of here!
[GRUNTING AND PANTING]
He is not worth it, ma'am.
He's not worth it.
You get the school
attorney down here now!
[♪♪♪]
Yeah.
So I just called Google,
and they won't take
the pictures down.
Why are you
showing me this?
What do you want me
to do with it?
Well, your husband's
a doctor, so--
[PHONE RINGS]
The school attorney is here.
Send him in.
[SIGHS]
All right. Go.
I went over Mr. Collins' file.
He has tenure.
He does.
From this school.
Unfortunately.
Has he slept with any students?
What?
So that's a no?
That's a no.
You could get the entire
school board to vote him out.
But it needs to be
unanimous.
And they haven't agreed
on anything since 1987.
Oh, I'll find a way
to make it unanimous.
No, I don't think so.
No, but I think
I'll find a way. You know?
No, probably not.
You could assign him the
school play as a punishment.
I already did that.
Hmm.
You know what you could do.
Listen, guys, I know
we're all probably
thinking the same thing.
"It's 3:00. What the hell
am I doing here?"
Um, you're all here
because we were not allowed to
have auditions, which is fine.
And I'm here
because I'm being punished.
So let's all just kind of band
together and get through this.
Okay?
You know, if I have any word
of advice at the top here,
it's, uh, speak the speech.
We don't really know
who these characters are yet.
Um, maybe just bring a little
piece of yourself into it.
And we'll have a wonderful time
discovering them together.
Whenever you're ready,
Zach.
"Once upon a time,
there were three little pigs.
They lived happily--"
Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there.
Um, it's missing something.
It's missing some conviction.
Maybe...
Okay, I don't wanna give you
a line read here,
but, you know,
"Once upon a time."
"Once upon a time,
there were three little pigs.
They lived happily in
their three little homes."
"My house is made of straw.
And that's all I need."
What? It says that?
That sucks.
"My house is made out of sticks.
That makes me happy."
No. No, no, no. Hold on.
Let me just see that.
Holy Lord.
This script is awful.
I mean, my God.
Okay, you know what,
let's just call that Day One.
So good rehearsal, everyone.
See you tomorrow,
Mr. Collins.
Yeah. Maybe.
[♪♪♪]
[ALL CHATTERING]
♪ She kinda looks like me ♪
♪ Instead of climbing trees ♪
Why, if it isn't
Madame Jennifer.
Ah, the Pied Peter.
[IMITATES FLUTE]
Ah, Captain Morgan.
Good day to you, matey.
Chairman Mao-llary.
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Abigail,
can I have a moment?
Yes, absolutely.
I'm supposed to observe
your class today.
That's right.
We're all ready for you.
I'm gonna have to reschedule.
How's next Tuesday?
Oh, next Tuesday is great.
Um, is everything okay?
Everything is fine.
We just have something
more urgent to attend to.
Hmm, yes, it looks like
Mr. Collins's tenure
is looking
a little "tenurous."
What?
Is that not a word?
Shut up.
Definitely.
See you next Tuesday.
Yeah, we'll see you then.
Guy's wife leaves him,
thinks he can F me in the A.
No, sirree.
[♪♪♪]
Hi, Ethan.
What's going on with you?
What happened?
My wife left me.
I know.
I heard. I'm so sorry.
You know? Wait. Why'd you
ask me what happened?
I don't...
How are you doing
with that?
Well, there's another guy
in the picture.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Yeah, me too.
I, uh...
I've been fantasizing about
hunting him down
and killing him slowly,
but, knowing Lauren,
he's probably a really good gu.
What?
I think Gruber is planning
a surprise observation
of your class this afternoon.
What? Really?
This afternoon?
Yes. Soon, probably.
How do you know?
Just by the way
she was acting earlier.
I have to go prepare.
Um...
Why'd you tell me?
Thanks. Thank you.
Um, all right, guys,
recess is over early.
We gotta go prepare
for something.
Paige! Trevor!
Where are you guys?
I don't think your class
has recess right now.
What? Shit!
[ALL CHATTERING]
[PANTING]
You guys are all in here.
I thought
you were at recess.
Man, you know, maybe
I really am a bad teacher.
Okay, there's no time
for that now.
Guys, I gotta ask you
something, okay?
Do you want rules
to come back?
ALL [IN UNISON]:
No!
Right? Um...
And you like being treated
respectfully, like adults?
ALL [IN UNISON]:
Yes! Of course!
Okay. So listen up.
[♪♪♪]
How's that?
Tighter.
Is that right?
Yup.
Zach, buddy,
don't wipe that off, man.
We don't have time
to re-do it, okay?
All right.
Paige, you're good to go.
Did you clear
the Internet histories?
Yup.
Okay.
Trevor. Where's Trevor?
I need Trevor.
Trevor. Trevor, come here.
Listen, buddy.
I need your help.
I wouldn't be doing this
unless it was an emergency.
I'm coming to you with
my hat in my hand.
Okay.
You're the only one
who can pull this off.
I need you to be
my Code Red.
What does that mean?
Well, why me?
Honestly, dude?
You're unusually sneaky
for a child.
I'll do it for 50 bucks.
Fifty?
Twenty.
What is that? Peanut butter?
Yeah.
Here we go.
It looks like his days
are tenured.
That's what I should
have said earlier.
What? Enough. Stop it.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Are you ready?
Let's nail this GD A-hole.
Yes? May I help you?
Yes, Mr. Collins, I was--
What are you doing here?
Get out of here.
Go answer my phones.
Right away.
Sorry to drop in on you
like this, Mr. Collins,
but I'd like to sit in
and observe your class.
Yeah, absolutely.
There's a seat next to Trevor.
Go right ahead.
Okay, guys,
we're gonna continue
to review yesterday's
lesson, all right?
Let's see here.
Hey, Holly.
In order to defray the cost
of keeping troops in America,
what did the British
Parliament enact and when?
HOLLY:
The Stamp Act of 1765.
Good, but do you think
you could be more specific?
Sorry, Mr. Collins.
March 22nd, 1765.
Very nice. Great.
Thank you.
Oh, you know what, guys,
this next one is a Free For Al!
[ALL CHEERING]
Oh, man. Okay, here it is.
March 18th, 1766!
I knew you guys would
know this one,
just because we've been
working so hard
and sticking to
the school-assigned lesson pla.
Cool. March 18th, 1766.
Zach, who are
we talking about?
The British Parliament.
Absolutely.
And what did they do? Paige?
Repealed the Stamp Act.
Yes, they did. What did
they issue in its place?
Hit it out of the park for me,
Mark-- Matt.
The Declaratory Act.
ETHAN:
Give yourselves
a round of applause.
How about that? That was...
That was good.
Gosh, you know,
you guys love to learn.
It's inspiring.
I think you've all earned
some school-approved,
gluten-free,
sugarless fruit chewies.
Here's one for you.
Careful.
Paige, I think
you've earned yours.
Trevor, you don't need
any more sugar.
Hannah-- I mean, Holly.
Camille, Zach, uh, Buddy.
Grumpy face over there.
All right.
Moving right along.
The Townshend Acts of 1767.
Camille.
Mr. Collins, could I ask
the kids some questions?
Um...
I'll stay in
your lesson plan.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Um, I think that would
be fun for everyone.
Uh, oh, I'm so sorry, Trevor.
Did you have a question?
What? No.
Are you sure?
Oh, yes. Can I go to
the bathroom? Code Red.
Code Red.
You can just say number two,
Trevor. Take the pass.
And, uh, where were we?
Right.
Assistant Principal Gruber,
you were going to ask
a few questions.
Yes, I was.
Let's start with
an easy one.
Who can tell me
what two countries
fought in
the Revolutionary War, huh?
Anybody?
Hey, Ms. Moore. Don't mind me.
Just going to poop.
Anyone?
You seem to know a lot.
Anyone at all?
[FIRE ALARM WAILING]
Oh, my God. Fire!
Guys, that means fire.
That's bad.
We gotta leave.
Fire's bad. We gotta leave.
Whoa, just one second, kids!
No, no, no.
Come on, guys.
We don't wanna get burned.
How dare you stall them
during a fire alarm? Honestly.
I have half a mind
to report you for this.
[ALL YELLING]
False alarm.
Someone may have pulled it.
Little turds.
Don't look at me like that.
You don't know them.
You guys were incredible,
seriously.
And I'm sorry about
those shitty snacks.
I'll get you great snacks.
What are you looking for,
Mr. Collins?
Well, someone
I know might be here.
Who?
A firefighter, Holly.
A firefighter that
Mr. Collins loves very much.
Did everybody make it
out okay?
Yeah, we're safe.
Thanks.
Good.
Abby, seriously,
thank you.
I don't think you deserve
to be fired.
Well, that's debatable.
I'm so sorry. Lauren's over
there. I gotta talk to her.
Yeah, of course.
ETHAN: Thanks again!
Hey.
Ethan. Hey.
I, uh, thought
I might see you here.
Ha. Yeah. Yeah.
So how's...
How's the tattoo?
Uh, well, it's still there.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, I haven't
figured out
what to change "Lauren"
to yet, though.
How are you?
Well, they've ordered me
to direct the school play
so, you know,
not fantastic.
I meant, how are you holding up
with everything?
Oh. You know.
Uh, you know.
You know. You know.
You know, you know, you know.
You know? How's, um...
How's everything with you?
How's the, uh, the new guy?
Oh, uh...
That's over.
Really?
Yeah. I realized it was a little
soon to jump into something,
so...
Oh.
But that doesn't change anything
between us, Ethan, you know,
because our problems
were...
Well, they were
our problems.
Right.
I would love to come
see the school play.
Really? You would?
Yeah, totally.
That would be amazing.
Okay.
Yes. Absolutely.
Um, yes.
I'll forward you the details.
I'll send you
the details.
Yeah, send me the details.
I'll send you
all the details.
We just gotta figure out,
like, location, uh,
time, date, stuff like that.
Location's probably gonna be
the big auditorium.
Just gotta lock that down.
Thinking maybe having a month
of rehearsal or something.
But then we'll,
you know. We'll...
As soon as the details
are solidified,
I can send you the details.
You'll have them.
You'll have the details
and you can come to the play.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye, Ethan.
Hey, how'd I do
with Code Red?
Uh, well, saying Code Red
out loud wasn't ideal.
But you did great.
I know you don't
like me, Trevor.
But you really saved my ass.
You're a man of your word.
Thank you.
[♪♪♪]
All right, where are you guys?
There you are. Listen.
Take, uh, your scripts out
of your binders. Out.
Take them out.
Now hold them up.
Hold them up.
Yeah.
And tear them up.
Go ahead. Tear them up.
I'm telling you.
Yes, sir! Let's--
Okay, no, you know,
that's okay.
I'll just get scissors later
or something.
Actually,
that's good paper.
Guys, we shouldn't
waste that.
We'll make it scrap paper.
Okay.
Listen, guys,
I think we all agreed
during our last rehearsal
that this play kind of sucks
the big one.
Uh, the characters' expectations
for their happiness
are unrealistic
and over-simplified.
And the language.
Snooze fest.
Am I right?
Uh, so that,
uh, combined with the knowledge
that someone very special
is going to be
in the audience
has actually inspired me
to write a new play.
So we're not doing the three
little pigs and the wolf?
Sort of.
Um, we're going to do
the two little pigs
and no wolf.
And ,uh, also,
the pigs are not pigs.
So who are we playing?
That is a great question,
Joey.
You, sir,
will be assuming the role
of Ethan Collins.
That's me.
Whoa.
Paige, you'll be playing
the role of Lauren, my wife.
I thought she was your ex-wife.
Not yet.
Zach, you will remain narrator.
Okay?
And, uh, Holly,
you'll be assuming
the role of mother-in-law.
So there's no wolf?
Oh, no,
there's still a wolf.
Um, but from now on,
we're gonna refer to him
as "home wrecker."
Okay?
Who is he?
He's the villain.
[♪♪♪]
Can we talk?
Uh, sure. Talk.
Alone.
Can we have a minute?
[SIGHS]
What do you got there, huh?
Some ants on a log?
Yeah, what of it?
Do you like candy?
Of course I do.
I don't know anyone
who doesn't like candy.
Well, then, I'll just get
right to the point, then.
Yeah.
Now, there is a lot more
where that came from.
Okay.
Can you sit somewhere else?
No.
I never said that you were,
Lauren.
But it's hard for me when you
point out yet another thing
we can't afford
on my teacher's salary.
Ugh, okay, Joey, I just wanna
take that line again.
Mm-hmm.
Do you need her
to lead you into it?
Yeah.
Okay, Paige.
I'm not trying to--
Emasculate.
I'm not trying to
emasculate you, Ethan.
Uh, Paige, actually,
let's change that.
Okay, we're gonna make it, um,
"I'm not always trying
to emasculate you, Ethan."
Just add "always."
Okay, Joey, sorry.
Whenever you're ready.
I never said that you were,
Lauren.
But it's hard for me
we can't afford
on my teacher's salary.
ZACH:
That's the night
the straw house collapsed.
Lauren and E--
Zach, I'm so sorry.
Um, Joey, I just wanna go back
to that line again.
And, uh, tsk, you know,
let's give it another read.
And this time, maybe,
I don't know, believe it.
Is that too much to ask?
I thought I did it great.
Okay, you thought so.
But let's just try it again.
I never said that
you were, Lauren.
But it's hard for me
when you--
ETHAN:
It's just, um...
[CLICKING TONGUE]
Um...
Uh, it's just not...
Not totally working for me
right now.
At all.
Joey, do you wanna be
an actor?
Sure, I guess.
Okay. Why?
I don't know.
You don't know?
Then I don't know
why I'm watching you.
You're dismissed. Just leave
your play on the way out.
You think I need this,
Collins?
I'm out of here!
See? I bought that.
So am I back in?
No. I'm sorry,
it's not gonna work out.
We need a new Ethan.
[♪♪♪]
You spoke to my assistant
on the school bus yesterday.
Maybe I did.
Maybe I didn't.
You know who I am?
I have a filing cabinet filled
with confiscated candy.
It's yours if you want it.
What's the catch?
You're part of something
much bigger now, Trevor.
I want you to spy
on Mr. Collins.
How would I do that?
ETHAN:
Okay, guys,
that last Gruber visit
was a pretty close call.
So we're gonna have to try
to actually learn something.
I'm sorry. Let's see.
"It was our Founding Fathers
who secured the Independence
of, um, blah, blah, blah."
[MUMBLING]
Let's...
Um, you know,
I'm just gonna jump ahead here.
The British whatnot-- Okay.
You guys know that
we used to belong to England?
And then England
got weird about it.
Right? Did you know that?
Can we skip that?
Hey, Trevor,
could you put your bag
on the floor, please?
Thank you. Um...
So next up,
we've got Thomas Jefferson.
What's that?
A tape recorder.
Why do you have it?
To record the lesson.
Why?
To help me with my homework.
Fine.
Yeah. Knock yourself out.
Okay.
Where was I? Um...
Jefferson something?
Thomas Jefferson.
That's boring.
We can skip that.
Uh, okay.
Uh, the Constitution.
No one cares. Okay.
Um, Civil War.
No one cares.
I did not mean it like that,
Andrew.
I care very much.
Oh, you know what,
here's actually--
This one's kind of interesting.
Watergate.
[♪♪♪]
It was a...
A wire-tapping scandal.
Like a spying thing.
The year was 1972.
Took place in a hotel.
The Watergate Hotel.
President Richard Nixon
was in office at the time.
And everyone involved
considered it
an enormous and
unforgivable betrayal.
The country never recovered.
You could say that
all of our country's problems
are due to Watergate.
So I think this would be
a good time
to break out into
discussion groups.
And discuss
the various lessons
and interesting things
that we reviewed
this morning.
So if you all don't mind,
simply--
Okay, emergency recess.
Come on, guys,
get out of here. Let's go.
Not you. You sit.
[KIDS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Why not me?
[SIGHS]
Really, man? Really?
Are you mad at me?
Am I in trouble?
Ugh, I'm not mad.
Um, I'm just processing.
I get it.
Yeah. She shouldn't have
put you in this position.
So are we cool?
Can I go to recess now?
Yeah, we're cool.
Go ahead.
Wait, Trevor.
Just one thing.
That story
you were giving me
about recording the lesson
for homework.
You really sold it.
I believed you.
You can act.
[♪♪♪]
That's okay, I got that.
I'll pay for her meal, please.
Wow, thanks, Trevor.
May I speak with you?
Sure.
Let's sit.
So, what's up?
So Collins wants me
to do the play.
Oh, that's great.
He wants me to play
your husband.
Oh. I see.
I guess I just wanted
to say that
I know our breakup
was rough,
but I really thought those
three weeks together
were really special
and I'd be honored
to act with you,
I just wanted to see
how you felt.
Hmm.
Well, I'm willing to be
an adult about it if you are.
What's that supposed to mean,
Ethan?
I'm tired of you bringing
your mother into everything.
Oh, grow up.
I don't bring her into anythin.
You bring her
into the bedroom.
PAIGE:
She knew we wanted
to get pregnant.
She was just giving us advice.
She was giving you advice
because
I couldn't get it up.
Oh, baby,
you know I don't care--
Paige, sorry,
stop just for a second, um...
Um...
It's good, um...
I just...
I think maybe
you're not totally
grasping the stakes
of the scene.
I'm a vegan.
Okay. That's okay.
Yeah, let's take 10, everyone.
You know that
if you put this play up,
you'll get fired, right?
Hmm, maybe.
But Lauren
needs to see this.
Do you really think
that's gonna help anything?
Ugh, I don't know.
You know, I don't think
I've ever told you this,
but when I was in high school,
my dream was to be
a cheerleader.
That's lame, I know.
But that's what I wanted to be.
I practiced my routine
for over a year,
and when I tried out
as a freshman
I didn't make the team.
I was crushed.
But you know what?
I tried out again
my sophomore year,
and I didn't make it again.
And as crushed
as I was the first time, I mea,
that second
time was so much harder.
So then my junior year,
I try out--
And you didn't make it.
Please don't ruin my story.
Anyway, you're right.
I didn't make it.
But that was just
really devastating.
You know what my mom
said to me?
She said,
"Honey, you're going to make it.
So I try out again
my senior year, my last year.
And you made it.
Oh, no, no, I didn't.
Oh, okay.
But a few weeks into the season,
there was this bus crash
and basically with half
the team gone,
they needed anyone
they could get
and I was available.
So I got to cheer.
I got to cheer my senior year.
So now, Ethan,
I'm telling you,
"Honey,
you're going to make it."
What?
So okay, let me just see
if I can wrap my head
around this.
You got to cheer
your senior year
because half of the cheerleading
team died in a bus crash?
Oh.
Oh, wow, yeah.
I guess when you put it
in those terms
it's actually
super depressing.
You mean when I put it in the
terms of exactly what happened.
Yeah.
And it's depressing for,
like, five different reasons.
Because your dreams
were crushed.
But a bunch of cheerleaders
literally
were crushed in a bus crash.
Heh, do you feel any better?
Yeah, I feel great now.
No. No, I don't.
What are you laughing about?
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not laughing about the
bus crash. I'm just laughing,
ha, at my own complete
obliviousness.
You know? To how horrifying
my inspirational story was.
No, right, I get it.
Mm.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hey, maybe you have some things
to work out.
Hmm. Yeah.
Maybe I should write a play.
I would be horrified to see it.
No.
Mr. Collins?
Yeah?
Matt used the prop toilet.
Oh, that's okay.
Wait, one or two?
Code Red.
Shit.
I have to go take care
of this.
Oh, I'll help you.
[♪♪♪]
Willy, get me the fax number
for the school board.
Which member?
All of them.
You really came through
on this one, Willy.
Nice work.
We've got him.
[♪♪♪]
Got who?
♪ This little light of mine ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
♪ Oh, this little light
Of mine ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
♪ This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine ♪
♪ Let it shine, let it shine
Let it shine ♪
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Is she here yet?
No, not yet.
Can you tie my tie?
Oh, I don't really know
how to. I'm sorry.
But I've seen you wear
a tie.
Well, uh,
Lauren tied all my ties.
I never untied them.
Huh. That's really symbolic,
you know?
ABIGAIL:
Five minutes, guys.
Five minutes.
♪ Oh, everywhere I go ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it
I'm gonna let it shine ♪
Mr. Collins?
Yes, Holly, what is it?
I changed "loser"
to "gutless"
in my Thanksgiving monologue
in Act II.
It's interesting. Why?
It just felt more specific.
Yeah, that's good.
Keep that.
Sounds even more like my
mother-in-law than what I wrot.
So nice work.
Thanks.
Matt used
the prop toilet again.
Uh, we'll take care
of that later. Okay.
♪ This little light of mine ♪
♪I'm gonna let it shine♪
♪ Oh, this little light
Of mine ♪
ABIGAIL:
Three minutes.
Full house.
Not quite.
She could still show.
Let's hope so.
If not, what's the point?
You know, that really sucks,
Ethan.
We all worked hard on this,
and maybe it means something
to us too.
Oh, no,
that's not what I meant--
One minute, guys.
I tried to stop her,
Mr. Collins.
That's okay, Zach.
Get on your mark.
I'll take care of this.
Okay?
♪ Let it shine ♪
What the hell do you want?
Only to wish
a fellow faculty member
good luck
on his opening night.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah, and I also
wanna let you know
I got my hands
on a copy of the script
and I sent it
to the school board.
You did?
Yeah.
And you know what? Heh.
In an amazing coincidence,
they called me this morning
to request
an emergency meeting
to discuss you.
Well, that's an amazing
coincidence.
Yeah. So I'll see you
at the meeting.
We're gonna hold it
right after the play.
The entire school board
is here to see the show.
I know those meetings
can be a drag,
but don't worry,
it'll be the last one
you'll ever attend.
Tenure your way out
of this one.
Ha!
[♪♪♪]
Chapter one,
things fall apart.
This...
represents my life's work.
This...
is what it's worth now.
Do you think this will get
Ms. McCallister off our backs?
Oh, Willy, grow up.
This is so much bigger
than McCallister.
Oh.
Make sure Collins
doesn't leave the building.
I can't hold this up on my own,
Ethan. I need your help.
I know, baby. I know.
I just had this idea,
and I'm trying to remember
what it was.
As soon as I find it,
I'll help you.
This is falling!
I need you now!
Hold on, Lauren.
Just give me one minute.
Giving up on a dream doesn't
make you a loser, Ethan.
But giving up on me, giving up
on us, that makes you a loser.
TREVOR:
Just one more minute, baby.
PAIGE:
I'm gonna find someone else.
Someone who gives a shit.
Lauren, just wait a minute.
Please, no.
Fuck you! Fuck you
for making me do this.
No. No!
♪ I close my eyes ♪
♪ And I dream of your touch ♪
♪ I wanna feel you inside ♪
♪ Your skin on mine ♪
Gruber wanted to me to stop you,
but I believe in you, man.
What, who are you?
I'm Willy.
Hey, narrator.
Yeah?
Do you know how
this next scene is gonna go?
Not well.
Lauren! Wait!
What is wrong with you?
I was trying to show--
Are you out of your mind?
If you stay until the end--
Look, none of this
even matters.
Of course it does.
Of course it matters.
I mean, that scene,
that was to say, like,
I get it. I fucked it up.
I wasn't there for you--
Stop. Please stop.
[SIGHS]
I met someone else.
No, I know. It's--
You said that was over.
We can work through that.
I mean--
No. No.
I met
another someone else.
Another someone else?
Lauren, I think if we--
Ethan, please.
What we had...
it's broken.
Okay? It's--
It's broken.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[♪♪♪]
I'm Willy.
Hi, Willy.
♪Stick around please♪
♪Wait out through the fall♪
♪ I'm not right
In the howling wind ♪
♪ What you have is
Something special ♪
♪Reserved for only me♪
♪ And you heart
That burns with fire ♪
And they lived happily
ever after.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
♪ The only one ♪
[CHEERING]
♪ Don't you give it away ♪
♪ Come on and save the world
For me, girl ♪
♪ Don't you give it away ♪
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
♪ Need it ♪
♪ Got to have it ♪
[CHEERING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
♪ What you have is
A warm disposition ♪
ABIGAIL:
Trevor,
don't pee with your mic on.
People can hear you.
I have to go pee.
Well, at least turn
your mic off--
Trevor, you need to go now.
This is the boys' bathroom.
Was I that bad?
Trevor. Go.
Is that
the Rope of Friendship?
It used to be.
Ethan, don't.
Get out of here, Abby.
This isn't the answer for you.
You need to get out now.
Listen to me--
Get out of here!
Please be quiet!
Have you ever eaten gelato
on the streets of Florence?
What?
Yes.
Oh. Oh.
Have you ever been caught
in a light spring rain in Pari?
It's the most--
Yeah. I have, actually.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
I bet you haven't seen
the White Cliffs of Dover
from the ocean--
Lauren and I backpacked
through most of Europe in 2009.
Listen, Ethan, I get it.
No, you don't.
I know how
much you're hurting.
No offense, but...
you really don't.
I really do.
I haven't figured out
what to change it to yet.
Ethan, I've been there.
I've been on the toilet
in the school bathroom
with the Rope of Friendship
around my neck.
I mean, not literally,
like metaphorically.
I'm going to come up there.
Don't, Abby.
Yeah, I'm going to. Okay?
Don't. Don't.
Here I come.
[GASPS]
Hey, I'm here.
[♪♪♪]
It's just pain, Ethan.
It's just pain.
Please get off the toilet?
TREVOR:
Mr. Collins.
That's very sweet of you,
Trevor.
Um, I was just coming down
though.
Is that permanent marker?
Yeah, your mom's
gonna kill me.
["BETTER DAYS"
BY REDDING HUNTER PLAYING]
♪ My old man, he sailed away ♪
♪ By boat upon the sea ♪
♪ My mother
Held her head high ♪
♪ And smiled down on me ♪
There you are. They need you
in that meeting. I'm sorry.
Thank you, Willy.
Um, okay,
I have to go get fired.
Sorry.
Should I walk with you?
Um, I'll be okay.
I'll-- I'll walk with you.
Uh, Trevor, we'll catch you.
Hey, Trevor.
I wasn't up there
because of you, man.
You did a great fucking job.
Thanks, Mr. Collins.
♪ And you
You were my friend ♪
♪ When I had nothing
To my name ♪
♪ When all the world
Turned on me ♪
♪ You still treated me
The same ♪
♪ And we've been through hell
You and me ♪
♪ Caught drama
Girl tragedy ♪
All right.
Here we go.
Good luck.
Thank you.
Really, thank you.
Like, what's gonna happen,
you know?
Yeah.
Wait, who are you?
My name's Willy.
JERRY:
Excellent. Mr. Collins,
please come in. Have a seat.
I'm Jerry Trask,
head of the school board.
I'm also obligated
to inform you
that present as well is a member
of the Teacher's Union,
Heather Simms.
Well said, Heather,
thank you.
Do you know
why you're here today?
Come on,
let's get to the firing.
Whoa. No one said
anything about firing.
No one said anything
about firing.
Not, of course, before we hear
Mr. Collins' explanation
of what happened.
Uh, well, I mean,
I just thought that
the play would be a great
opportunity for the children--
Sorry, the play?
Why are talking about the play?
What do you mean?
Because it was an atrocity.
It wasn't the best-acted play
of all time,
but the kids are what,
10 years old?
Are we not here to discuss the
deplorable content of that play
and to take action
against this man?
No, we are not.
There was cursing and
inappropriate content.
Yeah, but it's art
or whatever.
I demand a vote on this.
I thought the play
was fantastic.
Really great work.
Yes, it resonated with me
as well,
reminded me
of my first divorce.
Great.
Uh, so the vote is taken.
Everybody enjoyed the play.
But I faxed you a copy of it,
then you called me the next day
to request this meeting.
What?
That wasn't about the play.
That was a coincidence.
No, we'd like to talk
to you today
about something else,
something very serious.
Oh, my God.
I know what this is about.
I won Teacher of the Year,
didn't I?
My students nominated me,
and I won.
That's not even close.
Why would--?
No.
Oh.
Mr. Collins, you're here
because your entire class
failed their SAKS tests.
Oh. Awesome. Thank God. Ha!
What? Let's fire this MF-er.
Okay-- Well, Hannah,
as you may remember,
Mr. Collins has tenure.
So that's not exactly
a possibility at the moment.
But we do want to hear
an explanation.
HEATHER:
Mr. Collins,
wouldn't it be fair to say
these children are of
below-average intelligence?
That could easily explain
this all away.
Uh, no. No,
they're really bright kids.
HEATHER:
Then perhaps there were
extenuating circumstances
which would allow the students
to retake the test.
Perhaps the environment
in which they took the test
was compromised.
Perhaps a distracting moth
flew into the room,
making it impossible
to focus on the test.
Because of the moth.
Super loud moth?
Mr. Collins, all that we're
looking to hear from you
is you did everything
within your power
to prepare your students
for that test.
Did you?
I, uh...
I did.
I'm convinced. That settles it.
Thank you very much
for your time.
This is ridiculous.
That man is unfit to teach.
So when should I have
the students retake the test?
Not till next year,
once they repeat fifth grade.
They have to repeat
the grade?
Well, the entire class failed,
so...
definitely.
[♪♪♪]
Uh, no. Uh, no.
No, you can't do that
to them, um...
There was an extenuating
circumstance.
Don't say extenuating
circum--
[ALL SIGH]
The, uh...
The extenuating circumstance
was me.
The children failed
because of me.
I'm, uh--
I'm an awful teacher.
So are you saying--
Which I don't think you are.
--that you did not do everything
in your power to prepare them?
That's what I'm saying.
You understand that
even with tenure, that's...
That's a fireable offense.
Yes, I understand that.
So they'll get to retake
the test, right?
[SIGHS]
They will.
And...
you're fired.
Thank you.
Well, I must say,
I mean, this is--
This is incredibly fortunate.
I mean, he was an awful
influence on the children, and-
Hey, guys, I am so sorry
to interrupt, um...
Yeah, let's, uh...
Uh, assistant Principal
Gruber, um,
Trevor just had something
he wanted to say to you.
It's okay, buddy. Go ahead.
Assistant Principal Gruber,
I know that you wanted me
to illegally spy
on Mr. Collins
while he was teaching,
but I just can't do it.
Even for all that confiscated
candy you offered me as a brib.
ETHAN:
Yeah, a bribe.
Uh, an inappropriate bribe
to a child.
And what about your sworn
affidavit, buddy?
This outlines what we discussed
at our secret meetings.
ETHAN:
Secret meetings
with a child.
Um, between an adult
and a child in secret.
Uh, signature's at the bottom,
it's legally binding.
Yeah, signature's at the bottom.
Signed it. Great.
Uh, I think that's it.
Uh, I want to thank you
all again
just for coming out tonight.
It meant a lot to me,
uh, and to the cast,
uh, and we also just found out
that we sold out the weekend,
including the matinee, so...
that's great.
Uh, cool.
You wanna say goodbye?
Bye, Assistant Principal Gruber.
Goodbye forever.
Wait, what do you mean,
"forever"?
Well, her reign of terror
is over.
[♪♪♪]
["ALL BECAUSE OF YOU"
PLAYING]
♪ I can laugh ♪
♪ I can smile ♪
♪ Hold my head way up high ♪
♪ Baby, it's all... ♪
Hey. How did it go?
They fired you, didn't they?
Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
I'll tell you about it later.
[KIDS CHUCKLE]
Hey, Willy. Hey, kids.
Um, you know what?
Let's go find a karaoke bar
that doesn't card.
ALL [IN UNISON]:
Yeah!
ETHAN:
Dear Paige.
Dear Zach.
Dear Holly.
Dear Matt.
Dear Andrew.
Dear Buddy?
Dear Trevor.
As you've all probably heard
by now,
I'm not gonna
be your teacher anymore.
While this makes me very sad
because I won't get to see you
or hang out with you every da,
it also makes me
extremely happy
because I'm free now from
the shackles of that place.
I haven't been
a very good teacher
and my hope for you is
that you're able to forget
and move on from
our time together.
I do have one last lesson
for you though.
I think that in life
the best you can hope for
is to figure out
what you're passionate about
and pursue it full-force.
Then, when you start to come
to terms with the fact
that life will crush
your hopes and dreams
and that you will fail,
then you go and try
to make a difference
in a child's life.
Become a teacher.
At least temporarily.
Until, you know,
you figure out your next move.
If you wanna write me back--
Which I would love.
--just give your letters
to Miss Abigail.
I'm shacking up with her
for an unspecified period
of time right now.
Because Mr. Collins doesn't
have a steady source
of income or a place to live.
Also--
And please don't tell
the other students this.
--but you were always
my favorite.
Sincerely, Mr. Collins.
Hey, guys, did he say you were
his favorite too?
[CHUCKLES]
That asshole.
[♪♪♪]
["YOUR GOOD LOVIN'" PLAYING]
♪ Ooh, baby ♪
♪ I would give up my life
For you, girl ♪
♪ Just say the word ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I can't live in this world
Without you ♪
♪ You're what I see ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ 'Cause your love
Makes me stronger ♪
♪ And without it
I can't go on ♪
♪ You better believe
What I say ♪
♪ You just say the word ♪
♪ I can't go on this way ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ Your good, good lovin' ♪
♪ Without you ♪
♪ My life ain't no good ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ I'd be dead ♪
♪ Dead ♪
♪ Dead ♪
♪ Dead ♪
♪ Like a piece of wood ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'm no good ♪
♪ Good to myself ♪
♪ You or nobody else ♪
♪ You better believe
What I say ♪
♪ Don't keep me hanging on ♪
♪ Let me die today ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ Your good, good lovin' ♪
♪ Talking to you, baby ♪
♪ My friends, they don't know ♪
♪ For the smile
All that shows ♪
♪ And the pain I have inside ♪
♪ And all the lonely nights ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ I've got to have
Your good lovin' ♪
♪ Your good, good lovin' ♪
♪ Your good, good lovin' ♪
♪ Your good, good lovin' ♪
♪ Your good, good lovin' ♪