Teenage Cavegirl (2004) - full transcript

(intense orchestral music)

(thunder crashing)

(rhythmic percussion music)

(intense orchestral music)

(contemplative orchestral music)

(creature screeching)

(Tiko snoring)

(creature roaring)

(Tiko snoring)

(intense synth music)

- Tahra!



Tahra!

Tahra!

Tahra!

Tahra!

Tahra...

(creature vocalizing)

(creature roaring)
(intense orchestral music)

(portal zapping)

(dog barking)

- Take a look at this.

- How fascinating.

It's a rock.

- Oh, shut up, Sharon.

What do you know?



- Aw, Richard, you're hurting my feelings.

- Just keep working.

- Yes, sir.

(portal zapping)
(intense orchestral music)

What's that noise?

- I don't know,

but I think it's coming

from around that hillside over there.

- Should we go see what it is?

- I guess so, but I don't
want to waste too much time.

I feel we're making great
progress right here.

I'm certain that prehistoric
men inhabited this area.

And if we just work at it,

I know we can make a great
archeological discovery.

- It'll only take a minute.

Besides, I want to stretch my legs out.

- Okay, I'm convinced.

I mean, after all,

bones of ancient man and beast
have been here for a while.

They'll be here when we get back.

- Finally, you say something
that makes perfect sense.

- Flattering.

- Come on.

- Wow.

- What is that?

- Just a hunch,

but I think it's one of
those black hole vortex.

I read about 'em.

- You have?

- Well, in a comic book,

but I mean it fits the description.

I bet this is a portal to
another world dimension,

or something.

Wow.

Let me try something.

(portal zapping)

Whoa.
- Uh-oh.

- That's not good.

- Tahra scared.

- I think we've done enough
exploring for one day.

Why don't we go back to the
RV and stretch your legs?

- You don't have to twist my arm.

My own little piece of civilization.

- [Richard] All the comforts of home.

- I could use a little comfort right now.

That thing really freaked me out.

- Science is a mysterious lady.

And you were talking about
maybe stretching your legs.

- Subtle, very subtle.

(soft jazz music)
(moaning)

Come here.

(soft jazz music)
(moaning)

(faint speaking)

- By all means.

I'll watch you do that.

(intense orchestral music)

Oh my god!

Okay, everyone just calm down.

- Who is that?

- Look at her.

Animal skin prints, tribal tattoos,

long flowing brown hair, supple breasts.

- I noticed.

- She looks positively prehistoric.

- [Sharon] What's your name, honey?

- Don't worry.

We won't hurt you.

- Tahra.

- Tahra.

That's good.

Tahra, Tahra, I'm Richard.

This is Sharon.

- And we're all here
to play super password.

- Tahra.

- I got that.

Where are you from, Tahra?

- I think she means that
big black hole thing.

- Yes.

Tahra, are you from the big black hole?

The big?

Incredible.

She must be some form of
prehistoric cave dweller

who traveled to the vortex
and got pulled into our time.

- [Sharon] That's unbelievable.

- Well, there she is.

(Tahra vocalizing)

- Okay, if this is true,
then what do we do next?

- Well, we need to bring
her back to civilization.

The world will want to know about this.

Think of everything we can learn from her.

- You know I don't
approve of bringing back

every little stray that we find.

(Tahra vocalizing)

But she is pretty and she does look lost.

- Tahra, Tahra, do you
want to come home with us?

I'll take that as a yes.

- Okay.

- Let's go.

Come on, Tahra, this way.

This, Richard's big cave, big cave.

Come on, this way.

Right over here.

That's good.

Watch your step.

Tahra, sit right here, okay?

- Okay.

- That's good.

- Just like parrot.

- Tahra.

- [Narrator] As he gives new life

to dangerous exploits and bearing--

- You, you watch this,

and we'll be right back, okay?

- Okay.

- [Richard] Good girl.

- [Female Speaker] The man
he took with him, they lie.

They're hunters, killers.

- Sharon, can I see you
in the bedroom, please?

- [Narrator] In the forbidden
wilderness of jungle beasts,

lurking killers, savage
torturers, deadly quicksand.

(woman screaming)

(speaking in foreign language)

- [Male Speaker] Invoke spirit.

Ask them what shall be their punishment.

- The spirit say death!

- Okay, here's what we need to do.

You need to get her cleaned up

and into some of your clothes.

I'll call Professor
Matthews at the university

and get him to come over tonight.

Then we'll work out a plan from there.

- I'll try, but if she bites me,

we're gonna have trouble.

- That's my girl.

- [Narrator] Werewolves and
vampires will reign supreme

and things will happen

that have never been seen by human beings.

Your blood will boil and
your flesh will crawl.

- Tahra?

- For whiter and brighter teeth.

- That's pretty good.

- Cuts grease like no other.

- Great, honey.

We've got some things to do.

Why don't you come with me?

- Feeling not so fresh?

- Just come with me.

(dial pad beeping)

- Professor Matthews, please.

Thanks.

- Hello?

- Professor Matthews, it's Richard.

You're not going to believe
what I have to tell you.

Are you sitting down?

- Yes, I'm sitting down.

- Good.

It's like this.

- Really?

Hmm.

Very interesting, Richard.

Mm-hmm.

I hope you're not calling collect.

- Okay, let's get these
smelly things off of you.

Top.

- Top.

- Top.

Off.

Top.

No, top.

Off.

Okay.

Bottoms, take them down, off.

- Good to the last drop.

- Bottoms.

Good.

Do you like hot water?

- Half the carbs, same great taste.

- You'll see.

Okay, come on.

(intense orchestral music)

(portal zapping)

(Tiko yelling)

(Tiko sniffing)

- Tire tracks.

(knocking on door)

- Mr. Matthews.
- Ah, Richard.

- Come on in.

- Evening, Richard.

- Cynthia.

- Richard, Richard, Richard.

I hope you know what you're talking about

because that story you
told me on the phone

sounded absolutely fantastic.

- Professor, what I'm going
to show you is fantastic.

Sharon is working with our
new discovery right now

as we speak.

She'll be out in a bit.

So how about a cocktail?

- Martini, up, three olives, no pimento.

Just like the old days, Richard.

- Yes.

I'll have my martini shaken,

and I'll have another martini stirred,

and another one shaken and stirred.

- All right.

I'll see what I can do for you, Professor.

Come this way.

- Preferably in a dog dish.

- We have what I believe to be

a bonafide prehistoric cave girl.

- Oh, yes,

brought into a modern day
by a time vortex, I suppose.

- There is no other explanation.

- I have one.

How about you both are nuts.

- Ah, you'll see.

We've been working with her a little bit

and she has the amazing
capacity to pick things up.

She's at Cro-Magnon level already.

- Well, I'm anxious to test her.

- We'll set up the
equipment in the living room

and I'm sure we'll find the
results very interesting.

- All right.

Well, help me, won't you?

- Oh, Cynthia,

would you be a doll
and fix us those drinks

like the old days, huh?

- [Professor] All right, now, the monitor.

- The monitor, professor.

- Oh, careful, you fool!

Do you know how much this is worth?

- Sorry, Professor.

- All right, now the electrodes.

That's it.

- Professor, this is all your own design?

- Oh yes, yes, yes.

Many years of teaching electronic shop

one-on-one at trade tech.

- Fascinating.

- Plug that there.

Now, we'll see if it works.

(machinery beeping)

What'd I tell you?
- Excellent.

- All right.

We're ready.

(Tiko yelling)

- Cynthia, you look gorgeous tonight.

This is Tahra.

- So this is your little cave girl?

She doesn't look too primitive
from where I'm standing.

- She just had a bath.

- Whoa, down girl.

- Smells fresh like a summer's day.

- Is she calling me a douche bag?

- I think she likes you.

- Well, there's a lot of her to like too.

- Pretty girl.

- Uh-huh.

- Professor Matthews, this is Tahra.

- Mm-hmm.

Well, very nice to meet you, Tahra.

She's very clean, isn't she?

- Yes.

She communicates in her own way.

- Oh, believe me.

He doesn't mind.

- Professor, we have everything set up.

Should we begin the experiment?

- Oh, absolutely, yes.

I can't wait to see what kind of results

we get from this test.

Richard, would you please score Tahra in?

- Of course.

Tahra, come with me, girl.

Good girl.

Heel, heel.

- Yes, yes.

Now, ladies,

I must insist that you don't disturb us

under any circumstances.

Under any circumstance.

- Great.

- I trust I made myself clear.

- Go.

- It's gonna take a while.

- Hours, gosh.

What do we do now?

- Want to see my new nightie?

- Yeah, sure.

- Come on.

(suspenseful synth music)

- Now, Tahra, this isn't
going to even tickle.

This is a very sophisticated
brain wave analyzer

that is actually going to
monitor your thought patterns

to see what's going on inside
that little noggin of yours.

You have absolutely no idea
what I'm talking about, do you?

- Sunday, Sunday, Sunday,
destruction dirt derby.

- Tahra, Tahra, all you have
to do is lie back and relax,

maybe even take a little nap.

You won't feel a thing.

- $10 buys you the whole seat,

but you only need the edge.

- All righty, let's test it.

Shall we go?

Phase one.

Phase two.

There we go.

And phase three.

(laughing) What'd I tell you?
- Genius device.

- All right, all right.

Now, we should be monitoring
your brainwaves shortly.

- So, what do you think?

- It's fab.

- Richard loves to buy me expensive stuff

so shut up about his fossil hunting.

He's such a nerd.

- Well, I love this.

The material looks so silky.

Can I touch it?

- Sure.

- Girls like Tahra.

- Oh my god, check this guy out.

- Oh, shit.

Now, that's what I call it a cave man.

- Girls like Tahra.

- What is he saying?

- I think he's looking for Tahra.

I wonder how he found us.

- Who cares?

He's here now.

- [Sharon] So what do we do?

- Well, they did say not to disturb them

under any circumstances.

So I guess we should
just keep him occupied

until they're done testing her.

What are you thinking?

- Probably the same thing that you are.

- Come here, big boy.

We've got something we want to show you.

(Tiko roaring)
(women laughing)

- Don't give up.

I mean, she's got to have some brainwaves.

Everybody does, right?

- I wouldn't bet on it.

- Look, look!

Isn't that amazing?

- I knew it.

My boy, do you have any
idea what this means?

- She's the real McCoy.

- Yes, yes, she certainly is.

Well, this machine survey
does kick ass, doesn't it?

- Tahra, Tahra, think back.

Think back to prehistoric times.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

(intense orchestral music)

- Tahra scared.

- Oh, Tahra.

It's okay.

It's all right.

We'll stop now, we'll stop now.

I've actually seen enough for one night.

- Well?

- Well, Richard,

this is the greatest
discovery of the 21st century.

Congratulations.

- Thank you.

It's okay, Tahra.

It's all over.

You can get some rest now.

- Yes.

Yes, that's a good idea.

You know, this whole process
can be very draining.

- Come on.

Let's go, Tahra.

- So.

(Professor gasping)

How'd it go?

- Incredible, incredible.

I tell you, this girl is an
absolute megalithic throwback.

- James, what'd I tell you
about that academic mumbo-jumbo?

English.

- What I mean is whoever possesses her

is going to be famous

and wealthy beyond their wildest dreams.

- That's plain enough for me.

- Now, if there was only some way

we could get her away from Richard.

- Ooh, I know.

You could hit him over the
head and knock him out.

- No, no, he'd be too
smart for that old trick.

- There was another one.

- Another one, another what?

- Well, her caveman buddy
showed up, but he got away.

We tried to stop him,
but he overpowered us.

- Caveman, another one?

- Yeah.

- You mean two?

- Yeah, two.

- Oh, this is better than I thought,

better than I thought.

Now, listen, I've got a
great idea, a great idea.

Just come with me.

(Cynthia gasping)

How about it?

Do I look like the caveman that you saw?

- Absolutely not.

It's dark, who cares?

- Okay, you know the plan, right?

- Yeah.

You're gonna sneak inside,

make her think you're a caveman.

I don't know how, but you'll do it,

and then bring her out to the car

and we'll drive her to the lab.

- Yes, right, right, right.

- [Cynthia] Then what?

- Well then,

then I'm going to drain
all of the information

out of her brain

and I'm going to present
it as my own work.

Richard can't do anything

'cause he doesn't have the machine.

Well, come on.

I mean, why should we feel bad about it?

I mean, it's not our fault

if she decides she wants to go with us.

- No, no, it's not our fault.

- Right.

Showtime, let's go.

(suspenseful synth music)

(Professor grunting)

- Do you hear something?

(Professor grunting)

- Okay.

- No, no, go back to sleep.

- I'm certain I heard someone say, ugh.

Go check.

You're pathetic.

Uh-oh.

I wonder where she went.

(contemplative ambient music)

- Now, Tahra, this won't hurt a bit.

Although after I'm finished
draining every brain wave

in that thick little skull of yours,

I doubt you'll ever be able
to recognize me anyway.

- It doesn't sound very nice.

- Nice?

It's not supposed to be nice.

I didn't build this
whole machine to be nice.

Now, hand me the headset.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Switch on.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

We're getting a picture,
we're getting a picture.

All right, just crank it up a little.

(Professor laughing)

Oh, excellent, excellent, excellent.

- Aren't you afraid you're gonna fry her?

- Shut up.

Do you want to be rich or not?

- Yeah, but.

- Then crank it up, baby.

Crank it up.

(machinery zapping)

- James.

- Don't bother me.

- Look at the monitor.

- Ooh, I wonder what that means.

(Cynthia screaming)
(intense orchestral music)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Richard, it's Cynthia.

- [Richard] Yeah, what's up?

- It's your cave girl.

She's being held prisoner at James's lab

and she ain't alone.

- Is she in danger?

- What do you think, you big dope?

Just hurry up.

- Sharon, it's Tahra!

She's in trouble.

(sirens blaring)

(machinery beeping)
(Tiko laughing)

Oh dear.

- Oh dear, oh dear.

(machinery beeping)

- Mommy, I go poopy.

- We're too late, he's
already gone stupid.

A victim of his own evil machinations.

- Will he ever recover?

- I don't know, maybe in a couple of days,

but this has taught us
a very valuable lesson.

- What's that?

- That Tahra and whoever this is

don't belong here in our time.

And as long as they remain,

they'll never be safe from
those like Professor Matthews

or others who would exploit them

for financial gain or worse.

- Don't look at me.

Then what do we do?

- I say, we take them back to the vortex

and let them find their own
way into their savage world.

- You're right, it's the only way.

- Come on now.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Well, one more hour before we have Tahra

and whoever that is back
at their starting point.

- I'm sure that must make them very happy.

- Hey guys, how are you doing back there?

- Maybe I should go check on them.

- Sure.

I'll hold down the fort from here.

- You just keep your
eyes on the road, stud.

(upbeat reggae music)

- Well, if I remember correctly,

the vortex should be right
around that hillside.

- I think this looks
very familiar to them.

- Come on then, let's go.

Let's go, guys.

You're going home.

(intense orchestral music)

Well, Tahra and whoever this is,

I guess this is goodbye.

I'm sorry for all the
troubles we've caused you.

I hope you guys can understand this.

Well, so long and have
a safe journey home.

Bye.

- Come here.

- Oh, oh.

- [Sharon] Don't let the dinosaurs bite.

(portal zapping)

- Makes you feel all
warm and toasty inside.

- What, seeing them go back
home to their prehistoric age?

- No.

One giant sustained orgasm.

- Oh yeah, baby.

Turn the heat up.

- What, what?

Well, I guess it's time to go, right?

- What the hell was that all about?

- It beats me.

I mean, they were trying
to get me to talk,

but I wasn't having any of that.

The brunette was obnoxious enough, right?

- Well, next time, I
pick the vacation spot.

- Oh, so now, it's my fault?

- Yeah, it's your fault.

Who's idea was this?

Let's go to prehistoric
times, it'd be a lot of fun.

It's your fault.

- I did not.

- You did so say that.

- Shut up.

- Make me.

- Let's just go please.

- Aren't you forgetting something?

- Oh.

(portal zapping)

- You know what,

sometimes I think this thing

is more trouble than it's worth.

- You said it.

- Let's go.

(suspenseful synth music)

Well, I guess it wasn't that bad.

(faint speaking)

- Next time, let's pick something

with a little bit more clothes too.

(faint speaking)

(intense orchestral music)

(rhythmic percussion music)

(intense orchestral music)

(contemplative gentle music)