Teenage Badass (2020) - full transcript

(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CHILDREN PLAYING)

(DRUMS POUNDING)

GIRL: Brad?

Help me, Brad!

Brad!

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

(MAN COUGHING)

♪ I overcame the coup, you
look like a dinosaur, ♪



♪ You turned on the tails,
better I was once hardcore, ♪

♪ I know you're into jazz, ♪

♪ don't leave without
a second pour, ♪

♪ Before you pack your bags, ♪

♪ And drove away
a second more, ♪

♪ I know you made it,
I know you need it, ♪

♪ I know you're funny, ♪

♪ I know you love it,
I know you need it, ♪

♪ I love you munchkin, yeah, ♪

♪ I just sold a blow,
smokin' on a cigarette, ♪

♪ You're just into pops,
livin' in your lonely crib, ♪

♪ Yeah, you're living
in your room, ♪

♪ Bigger than your own
shit, living in the shit, ♪

♪ Is this a whole war,
is it better now with something more, ♪



♪ Now we've said too much, ♪

Brad.

Brad.

Bradley!

Hey.

What's up?

(BRAD SIGHING)

Howard doesn't aim anymore.

(BRAD SCOFFS)

Sorry kid, you know
I can't bend over.

Mom, don't say bend
over, that's weird.

Please, I've been saying bend
over forever, gimme a break.

God, I wish I was in
this tub right now.

This is what happens when
you don't go to college.

Thank you!

BRAD: Whatever.

(MIRROR SQUEAKING)

(PILLS RATTLING)

Sorry Howard.

(EXCITING ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

MAN: Yo Kirk, come hit this!

Go, go.

(WATER BUBBLING)

♪ I don't want you
weaving my life. ♪

WOMAN: Hey asshole.

That's so rude.

Why did she just
call me that, dude?

Excuse me.

Oh great, somebody
readjusted my drums.

That's really nice.

What if you guys came
in to use your guitar,

and the fuckin' strap
was all fuckin' hiked up,

you know, it's like,
fuck, you know?

You guys ready?

- Al, Mark?
- No.

All right, let's do it,
one, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four

Yo, yo, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk,

I'm gonna count it off, we
drive when you count it off,

one, two, three, yo,
I'm gonna count it off,

one, two, three, yo,
I'm gonna count it off...

One, two, three, four...

Uh oh, am I just not here?

Mark, Al, on my count,
one, two, three, fuck you.

One, two three, four.

No, fuck you, dude.

I don't wanna encourage you...

Can I talk to you
guys for a second?

Yo, can I talk to
you for a second?

(KIRK SCATTING)

(BASS PLAYING)

One, two, three, four.

(GLASS CLINKING)

Fuck him, he
fuckin' sucks guys,

he fuckin' really sucks.

Drummers count off songs,
you guys know that,

everybody knows that, we all
learned that in the beginning,

he tries to count off the
song, that's not gonna work,

'cause drummers
count off the song,

he counts the song,
it doesn't work,

drummer counts off
the song, it's good...

Listen...

No no no no no,
I will not dude,

I need to make this point,

it's that, it's
either me or it's him.

He writes all the songs, man.

You just play drums, hold on,

I don't know why we can't just
defer this to next weekend,

we have a show on Saturday.

Just play drums?

That's what you think of me?

I don't mean it like that.

You said it like that's
what you fuckin' meant,

like I'm not as
important as him.

Well, do you do anything
other than play drums?

I do lots of things, I
introduce people to people,

I introduced you to Kirk,

you wouldn't even
know that motherfucker

if it wasn't for me.

Thank you dude.

- I introduced you to Kirk.
- Thank you.

- Was it you?
- It was me.

No.

You introduced me to Kirk,

I introduced Mark to Kirk.

Guys, I'm the fuckin' rhythm,

I'm the reason that the girls
feel it in their bodies, man.

Why don't you guys just
try to, I don't know,

start the song at the same time?

Oh my god, you're
saying that we can just

start the song at the same
time, and stay both in the band.

Yes.

He can count off.

Yeah.

And I can just
let him count off.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay okay okay okay, that
sounds cool, I'm sorry guys,

- I freaked out.
- Sweet dude.

Dude, fuck you, you fuckin'
piece of fuckin' dog shit,

and fuck you, you married bitch.

You're not a bitch, man.

Fuckin' asshole.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Robbie quit.

Babe.

Robbie quit.

KIRK: Okay.

And we have a show Saturday.

(AL SIGHING)

What about that kid from last
weekend, what was his name?

Hold on.

Do I know him?

Um, Tad.

No, it's Brad,

wasn't he in a band with your
cousin's husband or whatever?

No, his name was Tad,
he responds to Tad.

Was it Brad?

His name is not Tad.

What was that band
he was in called?

Quantum Fangs?

No, no no no, no, I know
him, he's cute, Tokyo Sunrise.

- Tokyo Sunrise.
- Tokyo Sunrise,

whatever happened to them?

BLONDE WOMAN: No, their
lead singer moved to Seattle.

Brad?

Aren't you talkin' about
the drummer from last week?

ALL: Yes.

He's got red fuckin' hair.

Okay, well I don't
see hair color, guys,

you know that about me.

(RED HAIRED WOMAN MUMBLING)

(PHONE VIBRATING)

BRAD ON PHONE: Hello?

Yo, Tad, Brad, it's Al,

guitar player from Long Longs
on Friday, what's good, man?

Oh hey man, what's up?

How's it goin'?

So we're lookin' for a
drummer for this Saturday,

and possibly permanently,

you're livin' in
Phoenix now, right?

Yeah, yeah I am.

Cool, so it's me
and this guy Kirk,

he's our lead singer,

bass player, songwriter,
you know Kirk?

Yeah, I know him.

I mean, I don't know him
personally, but I know of him,

I love his stuff, yeah.

Cool, so about Saturday,
it's this bullshit local thing,

but if you win they let you
play a song on the news,

you should hear this fucking
song we have man, it's insane.

I'm gonna text you directions,

but if I can have easy, you
should probably head over now,

and yeah...

(SPEAKER DROWNED OUT
BY CROWD CHEERING)

Hello?

Yeah yeah yeah, sorry,
text me the address,

I'm on my way right now.

AL ON PHONE: All right.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(TOY SLAPPING)

Ah, when is this
kid gonna get here?

I'm so bored.

Oh shit, you know
what I just remembered?

What?

That Morgan whatever the fuck,

his brother was in
that band Garbageface,

he plays the drums.

Garbageface, great name.

Yeah, call him.

Are you guys
talkin' about Ritner?

Ritner.

That's his name.

Strange name.

Oh, I know that guy.

I mean, my opinion, Brad's
a way better drummer,

there were no drums
in Garbageface.

True, but Ritner knows people.

Well, I mean, who
can get here first?

(PHONE VIBRATING)

Yo, I'm on my way.

Oh excellent.

Yo yo yo, oh shit, oh shit.

Brad, hold on.

Sorry, Tiffany
talked to Ritner,

Kirk says first
come, first play.

Okay, so Brad,
little change of plans,

I guess there's another
drummer in the mix,

Kirk's sayin' first
come first play,

but I'm pullin' for you, bro.

Oof.

Okay, do you have the keys?

We gotta go, he said
there's another drummer.

In my purse, you know,

I don't like this
two drummers thing,

they called you first...

Mom, where's your purse?

It's on the floor
behind me, honey,

I can't twist around.

BRAD: I don't
have time for this.

Well, where is this place?

It's in Tempe, it's not far.

Okay, and who are these guys?

What do you know about them?

(CAR ENGINE STALLING)

You gotta be
fucking kidding me.

What, did I leave
the lights on again?

I don't know, it's just
not fucking starting!

Okay, language,
please, why the rush?

Kirk said first
come first play.

And who is Kirk?

Who's Kirk?

What are you?

Mom, hold on.

Okay, you can
just fix cars now?

All right.

Fucking bitch.

Me?

No, not you.

This is what I don't
like about the cursin',

you don't know if
you're talkin' to me,

or the car, and now...

What the fuck?

I'm gonna call Triple A.

Mom, Triple A could
take a fucking hour.

What do you want?

I don't know, I don' know,

it's not even about talent,

it's about who's
fucking car starts.

Okay sweetheart, what do
you even know about this band?

Honey...

I'm done mom, I'm
done, I can't do it,

it's another band, another
waste of fucking time.

Sweetie, you're
too hard on yourself,

and you're usin' the F
word like every sentence...

Mom, people cuss when no
other words will suffice...

That's a great word,
suffice is a great word.

Okay, what about someone
like Christopher Cross?

I don't even know who that is.

Five time Grammy award
winner Christopher Cross.

Okay, okay, well, I mean,
obviously, he's great.

I have his CD, you
can listen to it,

I used to have all of his...

Mom mom, what are you even
talking about right now?

Sorry, okay, my point is,

you're not the first person
who's car didn't start, okay?

The people who make it are
the ones that make it happen,

car or no car, despite
getting stranded...

Okay, okay okay.

I'm gonna be in my 20s,
living with my mom,

cleaning fucking Howard's piss.

Okay, why not
just Howard's piss?

Why F word, Howard's piss?

What word won't suffice?

It's words won't suffice,
not a word won't suffice.

MOM: I don't
think that's right...

- Yes it is.
- No.

Okay, I know someone who had
to make it happen, guess.

Mom, I don't know,
Christopher Cross?

I don't know.

Not Christopher
Cross, your dad.

Daddy always made it
happen, no matter what.

(INTENSE ORGAN MUSIC)

Hey, what's up guys?

TIFFANY: Oh fuck.

Hey, what's up Al?

AL: Hey bud.

Thanks for calling me,
thanks for thinkin of me,

Mark, what's up man?

Hey brother.

I'm Brad.

Hi, Tiffany, this is my place.

Hello Brad.

KIRK: Let's do this shit.

BRAD: Hey, sorry I'm late,

I mean, the car broke down
on the way back from work,

and it was just a
total shit show.

AL: You okay?

Yeah yeah, I'm fine, I just
needed to make it happen,

so I fuckin' ran here.

Ritner here also, guys.

- Oh hey Ritner...
- TIFFANY: Hi Ritner!

MARK: What's up, buddy?

Yeah, what's up is this
fucking ginger motherfucker

just pushed me outside.

No I didn't.

What the fuck
you talkin' about?

We do not say push here, dude.

He fuckin' laid
hands on me, dude.

I did not.

RITNER: Bullshit.

Well he looks like he ran
here, he looks disgusting,

he's sweaty as fuck,
he looks awful,

so he's gonna go first.

What?

First come first play.

Exactly.

Well nobody told me that shit,

I've been sittin' outside
in my car for 10 minutes.

Well maybe you shoulda been

sittin' in here for
10 minutes dude,

just chill the fuck out.

Okay, what's the tempo?

Yo, you wearing
drumming gloves, bro?

Yeah, no sweat.

Bitch.

Dude, it's like one,
two, three, slack 'em.

Okay, so one, two,
three, shlack 'em.

No, one, two,
three, slack 'em.

Okay, I got it, let's go.

It sounds easy,
it's not though.

I got it, I got it.

KIRK: All right.

BRAD: Will do.

One, two, three.

(DRUMS POUNDING)

Yeah, okay, Ritner, you're up.

No no no, I'm
sorry, one more...

You're up.

BRAD: I just need
a sip of water...

I told you, man, the intro.

Kirk please, please, just
give me a sip of water.

KIRK: It's Ritner's turn.

You didn't play
fill right, man.

Slack 'em.

BRAD: Come on.

KIRK: All right,
you got the intro, man?

RITNER: Yeah man.

We only have beer.

That's awesome, thank you.

I wanna see how
insane this is,

all right, your turn,
one, two, three,

- (MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC)
- Yes.

♪ I am rock and roll, ♪

♪ Let me in, let me
out, take my soul, ♪

♪ I am ready to go, ♪

♪ He is on the blocks,
let the good times roll ♪

Ready y'all, pre-chorus,
check it out, got it.

(DRUMSTICKS CLATTERING)

AL: Whoa, you all right?

Fuck, it's fuckin' sprained...

KIRK: Too
aggressive on that...

Put me in coach.

Brad, you're up, man.

RITNER: My ankle's
sprained, man.

Hey, I'm sorry, the
part's gotta beat the part.

MARK: Dude, move
so Brad can get in.

Horse shit.

KIRK: All right,
you got it man?

Yeah, I won't mess it up.

You won't mess
it up, all right.

All right, ready?

- One, two, three...
- Whoa, whoa,

wait a minute, I
count it off dude,

you don't have the microphone.

One, two, three,

(MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC)

(DRUMS POUNDING)

Can I get more of
my guitar, please?

Does my guitar sound super dead?

You guys hear that?

I got you maxed out, man.

Yeah, still need more
of me voice, check check,

no sty-vo, hello?

Okay, I still can't
hear my brand new tele.

Brand new, so.

We need some
assistance, please.

Wait.

(GUITAR STRUMMING)

Dude, you got
that intro right?

Yeah yeah, I got it.

All right, just don't rush it.

Keep it chill, man.

I won't rush it.

AL: Bro, come on,
don't fuck with my stuff.

Do you want to
cut through or not?

AL: You just, no,
you boost the trebles,

you cut the mids, and then you
crank it, did you try that?

SOUND GUY:
That's a great idea.

Okay, wow, and you have
your volumes up, right?

Yeah, I have my volume up.

SOUND GUY: All
right, play it.

Hold on, I'm sorry,

can I just get a little
more vocals for me?

Drums need more Kirk, please.

Just a teech.

A teech of it.

Drummer boy wants a teet.

I can only do one
thing at a time.

Well start by doin' that.

What's up guys?

Hi.

CANDICE: Hi Brad.

Hey, what's your band's name?

Us?

No, the other band I'm
lookin' at right now, yeah.

Baby.

Oh, our band name is...

Glad Fan.

- No.
- Nope.

No.

The Moody Boys.

Ew, no.

The Glad Fans, plural?

You already said that.

Just one, Shtibe, one each.

My bad.

KIRK: Brad, it's your turn.

Um, the Bangers?

No.

Brad, that's literally the
worst thing I've ever heard.

AL: I don't hate it.

Does your bong have a name?

Okay, shut the
fuck up, Al, go.

Pass.

CANDICE: That's
not how that works.

Ken Rippy Jr.

What?

Ken Rippy Jr.

I love that.

Do you have somethin',
dude, just say it.

Okay, fuck, Generation Smoke.

Oh, Jesus Christ.
(EVERYONE LAUGHING)

Fuck you guys.

That's so bad,
that's so bad, Al.

I don't hear you comin'
up with anything better.

Okay, well don't
embarrass yourself, man.

AL: Okay, well,
it's your turn.

Okay, well don't
embarrass yourself, man.

AL: Okay, well,
it's still your turn.

Dude, shut the
fuck up, I'm going.

Okay, take it away then.

Well every time I
talk, you fucking...

Okay, we're all
waiting for you.

- KIRK: Okay.
- AL: To go.

Oh my god dude, okay,
you're not ready for this...

AL: We're not ready...

You're not ready, no,
you're not ready for this.

AL: You're right, hold on.

Are you now?

- AL: Now I'm ready.
- You ready now?

Okay okay okay, Permafrost.

Fuck.

(CANDICE LAUGHING)

Oh my god.

Computer.

Where did you
come up with that?

Yeah, that can actually
be really cool on a T shirt,

in "Predator" font or somethin'?

Fuckin' "Predator" font,
yes, "Predator" font.

Did you know that was
originally title Hunter,

and it didn't
change to "Predator"

until after principal
photography?

ALL: No.

Okay, Permafrost, hey,
is everybody listening?

ALL: Yes.

Okay, meaning a thick
sub-surface layer of soil

that remains frozen
throughout the year,

occurring chiefly
in polar regions.

Regions, sorry.

All right, the only other
hit I got for Permafrost

was a hybrid strain of
icky fuckin' sticky.

Nice.

Except I don't smoke anymore,

because Rachel doesn't like
when I smoke, so I quit.

What?

Since when?

I don't really feel like it's
a safe environment to share.

Oh my god.

KIRK: Stop bein' so fuckin'
stupid, it's the no drugs?

I'm married okay?

We know you're married, Mark.

Well, then you know,
occasionally, albeit not often,

you have to make sacrifices
for the covenant of marriage.

Uh, stupid.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Occasionally.

Whatever, it's just one
less mouth to feed to me, so.

But seriously, Permafrost
is so fucking tight.

Dude, thank you, thank you.

I vote yes.

KIRK: Yeah?

Same.

Okay, so our band name...

Whoa whoa whoa, guys,
we're fucking Permafrost.

(BELL CHIMING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Permafrost.

Yes, yeah, I love it!

Our band name is Stylo
and the Murder Dogs.

SOUND GUY: How
do you spell that?

S-T-Y-L-O, as in Stylo,

murder as in blood and
dogs as in fuckin' pugs.

Great.

Bro, he changed
the name of the band

right in front of our eyes
as a test for you, man.

For me?

Yeah, he's testin' your
loyalty to the band, bro.

Oh shit, you're right.

You gotta close
him, dude, cig?

BRAD: So how
exactly do I do that?

Well, everyone wants to
be in his band, you know?

You saw fucking Ritner,
we are all replaceable,

Kirk is only taking
the committed.

Right, so he
changed the band name

to see if I was committed
enough to call him out for it.

Exactly, to prove that

you wanna be in this
band, officially.

This is great, because I
overheard Kirk and Candice

talking about
Ritner, and I just...

No no no, fuck fucking Ritner,

don't even think about Ritner,

right now you need
to concentrate on

proving your loyalty
to Kirk, you know?

Yeah, dude, thank you so much,

I literally had zero idea

Kirk was operating on this
kinda intellectual level.

AL: Yeah.

Is that fucked up?

Well, I've learned
to never underestimate

the power of prescription
medication, my friend.

AL: Marky.

Hey.

AL: Is your wife
comin' tonight?

Nope, she's gotta
work in the mornin',

so you know what that means.

(MARK HISSING)

Oh, you're gonna smoke
some weed about it.

No, it was a drinking
reference, we're gonna drink.

AL: Oh.

Hey, excuse me, Kirk?

(CANDICE LAUGHING)

Hey, Kirk?

Hey, Kirk man, sorry.

What's up?

Well I noticed
that we, or that you,

didn't say Permafrost when the
guy asked for our band name.

KIRK: MmmHmm.

BRAD: Is that...

CANDICE: He's talking about

Stylo and the Murder Dogs, babe.

Oh, I changed the name.

CANDICE: It's
so fucking sick.

Okay, that's cool.

KIRK: I changed the name.

What's Stylo?

- It's my last name.
- It's his last name, Brad.

Oh right, yeah, I knew that.

Pursely didn't
love Permafrost, so.

Rachel's gonna think
we're not serious

if we keep changin'
the name, dude.

What?

I'm just processing
that out loud.

Mark's high.

No, Mark's drunk.

Okay, so the new
new band name is

Stylo and the Murder Dogs, then?

Kirk Slasher Cats.

(BRAD AND MARK LAUGHING)

Ha ha, it's that funny, dude?

Is that a joke to you,
the band name's a joke?

No no, I think it's cool.

Fuck it.

Guys, we're Stylo and
the fucking Murder Dogs.

(BELL CHIMING)

Yeah, fuck Permafrost.

Ladies and gentlemen, make
sure to vote after the show,

the winner of
tonight's competition

gets to play on the news,

that's right, Good
Morning Phoenix.

(SOUND GUY IMITATING CHEERING)

Anyway, put your hands together,

or should I say, paws together,

for Stylo and the Murder Dogs!

Nice guys.

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

Excuse me.

Check, check, check, check,
four five six, six, six.

My shit's not
working, this isn't on.

What's up, my fellow species?

I'm not gettin'
anything out of this, man.

Yeah, it's blown, good luck.

AL: Can you play without it?

BRAD: Yeah.

KIRK: We gotta
play without it.

I got it, I got it.

Hey, somebody get
that guy a chode to eat,

we are Stylo and
the Murder Dogs.

Ow!

KIRK: Two, three, four,

(MID TEMPO ROCK MUSIC)

♪ I am rock and roll, let me
in, spit me out, take my soul, ♪

♪ I am ready to go, ♪

♪ weed is on the bus
when it's time to roll, ♪

♪ And all of this
is automatic, ♪

♪ All of this is automatic, ♪

♪ I am automatic,
I am automatic, ♪

♪ Hear the sounds of
the beatin' drums, ♪

♪ Hear the sounds of
the beatin' drums, ♪

♪ And if you ask, you want it, ♪

♪ You raised a bell to get it, ♪

♪ Had a moment to show
it, as if you belong, ♪

♪ Look every minute to answer, ♪

♪ Before you knew that kiss, ♪

♪ You had a moment to answer,
avoiding it like cancer, hey, ♪

(INTENSE ROCK MUSIC)

(PATRONS CHATTERING)

(HARP PLUCKING)

(HAPPY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

Oh!

Oh!

- Woo!
- Zing!

AL: Here we go, go again.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa, dude,
dude dude dude dude, Jew.

What?

Jew.

BRAD: What?

That's the lead singer of
Jimmy Eat World over there.

BRAD: Oh shit.

It's only a matter of time.

AL: Dammit.

Watch the master.

Yo, you want me to go
get us another drink?

Yeah, yeah, a beer, please.

You think it's
fine that I'm not 21?

Yeah dude, we're here,
it's fine, whatever,

but ask her, that's Melanie.

(HAPPY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

All right.

Good luck, bud.

Hey, how's your night goin'?

It's good, what
are you having?

I'll take a beer.

Thank you, oh, can I
actually get one more?

I'm sorry.

Is that it?

Yeah, just one, just one more.

You did such
good drumming, sir.

So good, he's our new drummer,

Melanie's my roommate.

Oh wow.

I'm bummed I missed it.

It's okay, there'll
be another one.

She's fucking British,
can you imagine that?

Yeah, I can.

She's a nasty little kitten.

I'm a cat person.

You're so fucking cute.

Oh, listen, before I forget,

Kirk wanted me to tell you

that you are
officially in the band.

Are you messing with me?

No.

BRAD: I passed the test?

Sure.

Hell, yeah, thank you!

We're Stylo and the
fucking Murder Dogs, cheers!

(BELL CHIMING)

BRAD: Okay.

God damn it, I'm
so excited for us.

Also.

Oh no, I have work
tomorrow, I'm sorry.

Is this what you're
gonna be like on tour?

A little baby bitch?

No no no, I promise you,

I just have work in the
morning, and I don't...

I'll put in a good word.

Oh my god, what even is this?

I don't know, it
feels like weed,

can you chew it, please?

Here, just put it in your mouth.

(CALM ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

You're an angel, Brad,
you're a fucking rockstar.

Yeah.

You gotta fuckin'
act like one, bro.

Yeah, okay.

Let's go, can I get
a shot or something?

(INTENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

(GLASS CLINKING)

Sweetheart, Bradley, wake up.

Mom, what?

You gotta get out, I gotta
go home and ice my back.

Mom, what?

Go.

Hey Ms. Jaffey, I don't
think we've officially met,

I'm Al, guitar player.

Hi Al, guitar
player, how you doin'?

Good, how are you?

I'm good, sorry I missed
the show last night.

AL: Oh, that's
okay, don't apologize.

Yeah, I got these
back problems,

I was flat on the
living room floor,

takin' my pain meds.

Whoa.

Yeah, hey, come here,

what'd you guys get
up to last night?

He went straight
home after the show.

Oh no, honey, he didn't.

What?

Yeah, do a little drinkin'?

What?

You know, sex, drugs,
rock 'n roll, right?

Of course not.

- X, pills maybe?
- No, Ms. Jaffrey.

- Crank, meth, coke.
- AL: Of course not.

- Heroin, right?
- We're Christians.

And my kid is underage,
do you understand me?

Uh huh.

Mmmhmm, lean back for me,
bud, there you go, yeah.

There you go.

There you go, buddy.

There you go
Brad, are you good?

Mmmhmm.

MmmMmm, MmmMmm MmmMmm...

I didn't think so,
all right, there we go.

AL: Too soon, bud.

You know what?

This is what we're gonna do.

Everything in its right place.

Yeah, yeah.

AL: Party on, Brad.

There you go, you good?

I'm good, I'm good.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Watch it now.

There you go, there you go.

Dude.

Oh.

Did you know that
Ken Griffey Jr.

hit 35 home runs last year?

AL: I did not know that.

He did.

Got it, god damn it,
I'm just trying to dude.

What the fuck, dude, it's
fucking occupied, bro.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(BRAD PEEING)

BRAD: Oh my god.

Hey, you wanna tell everybody?

Yo.

Okay, well then I
will tell everyone.

Okay, well, we...

We're gonna be on
the fucking news, boys.

(BELL CHIMING)

Woo!

MARK: We won?

We fuckin' won?

(ALL CHEERING)

Let's go, yeah!

(INSTRUMENTS PLAYING)

Woo!

All right, we should really
probably practice the song.

MARK: Yeah.

(HORN HONKING)

(ALL COUGHING)

Oh dear.

Oh, hi, you must Roberta.

And you must be Steelo
and the Murderers.

Yes ma'am.

Okay, is this everybody?

Hi guys.

- Hi.
- What's up?

There's also Kirk,
he's our lead singer,

he's gonna hang back while
we get sound checked,

he can be a little,
you know, the talent.

Ah, the talent, oh yeah,
I know all about the talent.

Well why don't
you guys follow me

and we'll get you all
set up, all right?

Righteous.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Mom, Dad?

Uncle Frank, is this a joke?

(WIND HOWLING)

(DRUMS POUNDING)

(INTENSE CHORAL MUSIC)

Kirk, Kirk, what
the fuck, Kirk?

Get up.

What, ah!

The guys are waiting for you.

Did we already
play for the bad men?

(PILLS RATTLING)

You took all of these?

You are so fucked up,
get up, come on, up.

KIRK: Yeah, wait, wait...

Put this on, up.

KIRK: Hold on,
gimme a blow job.

- No!
- What do you mean?

It's fine.

- Kirk, Jesus.
- KIRK: We have time.

(INTENSE CHORAL MUSIC)

AL: Holy shit.

Oh, that's a look.

All right.

That's a cool j...

So, how long until we're on?

We go on soon.
(BELL CHIMING)

CANDICE: Did you
soundcheck and everything?

Yo, you ready?

Is he okay?

CANDICE: Yes, he's fine,
if you got everything checked,

he's fine, oh my god.

Knock knock, oh,
you must be Kirk.

He doesn't look okay.

Roberta, he's fine, he's fine.

I'm ready to roll mama.

Oh my god.

Okay, great.

Last little thing is...

Hoo!

Okay, I need to tell
you about somethin',

I don't know if y'all are aware,

but there was a
shooting last night

at the Bash's on 104th Street.

Yeah, so we're
gonna run a segment

right after your performance,

because we have a bag boy

who actually witness
the slaughter.

So if you could do me a favor,

and not say the word murder,
as in Murder Dogs, okay?

That would be great, got it?

Okay.

(INTENSE ROCK MUSIC)

How did you guys
feel about that one?

Joey, don't rush the
click track, bro,

I love the direction we're
goin' in with this song,

fuckin', I'm jazzed.

Let's take a soft
20 and come back.

What do you have for daddy?

Oh, I got some
treats for daddy.

Ew, stop, bosses talk
dirty to their employees,

not the other way around.

I thought you
liked it that way.

Shut your mouth, okay?

It's Monday, what new
bands do you have for me?

I got one that's pretty cool.

What was with the pause?

Well, it's unintentional,
I was just thinkin',

it's this cool band, I
saw 'em over the weekend,

I think you're gonna like it.

They're playin' on the
TV, you wanna go see 'em?

I got it queued up.

SOUND MIXER: They're
on TV right now?

Yeah, yeah, it's
like this local thing,

you should see
'em, they're local.

Yeah, let's see it.

All right.

All right, bring
the TV in here.

What?

Just bring the TV in here.

It's like 60 inches.

Sorry, just bring it in here.

Bring it in, bring it in.

You want me to move it?

It's like 200 pounds.

I know you can do it.

Okay, yeah, got
it, okay, here we go,

if I can just...

Where the fuck are you goin'?

Where do you think you're goin'?

INTERN: Oh, sorry,
yeah, nope, right here...

We're back with a little
segment we like to call

Heat Up the AM,

where every month we
feature a new band

that's heatin'...

You know, fun fact,
this isn't actually live...

Shut your mouth.

I am extremely excited
to introduce a band

named Stylo and the
M Dogs, hi guys.

We are Stylo and the M Dogs,

and we're gonna
murder your shit.

(TV BEEPING)

CAMERAMAN: Cut!

BRAD: That lady's comin'.

Guys, what did we talk about?

I said don't say the word
murder, and the S word,

that is a no-brainer.

You can't say that on air.

AL: Roberta.

ROBERTA: Come on!

He won't do it
again, I promise.

ROBERTA: You promise?

I do, right Kirk?

Kirk, right?

Hey, you get one
more chance, all right?

Or I'm gonna shut this down,
you're not gonna get to play.

Do you understand?

Okay, you promise?

Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen,
here's Stylo and the M Dogs,

playing their new
song "Deep Freeze,"

take it away, guys.

(GUITARS FEEDBACKING)

One, two, three, four!

(SINGER DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)

♪ I live in my home, in a
village from the ground, ♪

♪ Thinkin' of dyin' and
livin' alone with my dog, ♪

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

♪ Thinkin' that I've been
up too lately, yeah, ♪

♪ And I just stare at
you and sit in my car, ♪

♪ Inside of your city, ♪

♪ And when you fake, just
like a loser, and see, ♪

♪ Or just be frozen
for eternity, ♪

♪ Frozen for eternity, ♪

Fuck yes.

(KEYBOARD CLICKING)

(CALM ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

Oh dear god.

Oh, marry me.

Takin' on water.

(CARD RIPPING)

(PHONE BEEPING)

MELANIE ON VOICEMAIL
MESSAGE: Hey, it's me,

don't leave a message,
just come get a drink.

(PHONE BEEPING)

(BAG RATTLING)

Hey, hey, I know you.

Oh hey.

- Hi.
- Hey, have we met before?

Ha ha (LAUGHS), I
would say come in,

but we literally just closed.

Oh no, really?

I was just about to come in.

I was just comin' in,

and I was gonna see if
you were here, actually.

Oh really, well
it's perfect timing,

'cause I just got off.

Oh nice, yeah, well I'm
gonna smoke a cigarette.

MELANIE: Oh, you smoke now?

Yeah, I grew up smoking.

Oh, got it, okay.

(LIGHTER FLICKING)

(MELANIE LAUGHING)

How was the news, by the way?

(BRAD HUMMING)

Thank you.

It was amazing,
(COUGHS), did you watch?

I didn't, but Candice had

six different
people recording it

in all different place, so.

Sounds about right.

Yeah, yeah.

BRAD: As she should.

Yeah, I'll be
sure to let you know

what I think when I watch it.

Yeah, well what if
you don't like it?

What if you think we
suck or somethin'?

Well then I would
have to tell you.

BRAD: Really, you'd just
shoot me that straight?

Of course.

Okay.

Do you wanna go
hang out right now?

Yeah, yeah, right now?

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Welcome to my contingency van.

Oh wow.

Contingency van?

Yes, for
apocalyptic scenarios,

like zombie
infestation, contagion,

extra-terrestrial
or chemical war.

This van would serve as my home.

BRAD: Okay.

It's also where I get
black-out drunk with my friends.

(BRAD LAUGHING)

Double okay.

(BRIGHT ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

Evvy.

Hey, Kirk Towns, yeah.

Stylo and the Murder Dogs,
my friend, good to meet you.

I'm Brad, nice to meet you.

Mark.

All right, stay
by me, all right?

Right this way, okay,
come on, don't be shy.

(HAPPY ROCK MUSIC)

You guys want any
coffee, or booze?

Oh yeah, I'll take some booze.

Yeah, maybe a six
pack of Red Stripe?

I'm down.

Yeah, actually make
that two six packs.

Spoken like a true drummer.

How old are you?

- He's 21.
- He's 21.

21.

Okay.

(SOUND MIXER WHISTLING)

- You whistled for me?
- Hey, Buddy, everybody,

this is Buddy.

INTERN: My name's not Buddy.

Hey Buddy.

No one really gives a
fuck what your name is,

you just need to bust you
butt down to the corner store,

get these gentlemen
a 24 pack of PBR,

you guys cool with PBR?

Yeah.

Kay, bye Buddy.

Dust in the attic.

Hey, do you have any cash?

Where was I?

Where was I?

We were talkin' about

you letting us record
our EP here, for free.

Check out the
big brain on Brad.

Bring out the gimp.

That's from Pulp Fiction.

Here's how I see it,

Radiohead had "Creep,"
Beck had "Loser,"

Stylo and the Murder
Dogs have "Deep Freeze."

What's in it for you?

Brad again.

When you guys blow the fuck up,

and it comes time to record

that much anticipated full
length record, make it here.

We don't need
to sign anything?

Look, the truth is,

you guys should really be

signing a contract
with each other,

I don't know if you know
anything about bands,

but you motherfuckers
eat each other.

So it doesn't have to
be anything complicated,

somethin' simple, that says
who owns what, who does what...

No, how 'bout
this, we'll just pay?

Okay?

I mean, if you insist...

I insist, dude...

Hey dude, why
don't we just take

this nice man up on his offer,

and we'll come back and
record our full length...

- No, you don't get it...
- If we want to.

He's not even
gonna make us stay.

No, fuck that, dude, no.

Okay, could we have a second?

Sure.

No no, nope, nope, I don't,
no no, I don't need a second,

I don't need a second,

because I wanna pay this
man for his time, all right?

No strings attached.

No strings, look,

if you don't wanna make your
first record here, that's fine.

But I'm telling you, once
you hear those songs,

your songs on that
fuckin' tape machine,

you're gonna be
circling back here

like a suckling pig
to its mother's tit.

Listen, baby, I
know the game, okay?

But I'd rather pay for my milk.

Dude.

No, I'd rather
pay for the milk.

AL: Just sit down...

I'd rather pay for the milk.

- Come on.
- Pay for the milk?

SOUND MIXER: It's okay.

Look, let's go talk to him.

- KIRK: Fuck that.
- BRAD: We'll be right back.

KIRK: Dude, you
don't get hurt.

I don't understand,

why don't we just
record with that guy?

Yeah, where are we
gonna get the money, Kirk?

Yeah man, unless you
got some rich uncle

that we don't know about,

I suggest you step
off the Kirk express,

and we record some
fucking songs, man.

Do you ever fucking think

that it's not about
the god damned money.

Hey, how'd it go?

What the fuck, what happened?

What, I leave for two
seconds, this is what happens?

No, the guy in
there is awesome,

and he wants to record us.

For free, just wants us to
record a full length with him

if we like the
way the EP sounds.

And not even make
us sign anything.

Okay, well what did Kirk say?

Nothing, he was just like...

KIRK: You fuckin'
shits talkin' shit on me?

No.

Babe, you wanna
talk to us, or?

KIRK: This guy
stinks of high treason.

How?

KIRK: The first thing he
brings up is a fucking contract.

We're a family, what more
of a contract is there?

Dude, how long have
you known me, bro?

Uh, eight years.

10 whole years, man, 10 years.

We're family.

I want you to hear me say it
now, you can trust me, okay?

You can trust me.

(BELL DINGING)

Quack, quack, quack,

ALL: Quack, quack, quack,
quack, quack, quack, quack,

quack, quack, quack, quack,
quack, quack, quack, quack!

Can we go, please?

Yep.

KIRK: Oh shit, nice.

Oh yeah.

You guys feel that hot hot heat?

Yeah, it's a little hot.

Who wants to try?

- I'll go.
- I'll go.

You go.

- Are you sure?
- GOLFER: That's the spirit.

I'll go after you.

All right.

So Kirk tells me you guys
played on the news, huh?

- AL: Yup.
- BRAD: Yes.

(BALL PINGING)

Fuck.

What's wrong, you've never
seen a factory pre-roll before?

What's a factory pre-roll?

Come on Kirk!

I get these pre-rolled joints

from an old fuck
buddy in the LBC.

Ooh, yeah, sorry, I
promised the Mrs., yeah,

but it was my decision, too.

Are you guys all married?

Just Mark, I'll
hit that, thank you.

We talked about
it together, so.

(CLUB PINGING)

Ah, yes!

I gotta get this,
go for Everett.

Hey Albert, can I hit that?

Yeah.

Come on Kirk.

KIRK: Hey, can I
touch your balls, bro?

EVERETT: Fuck
outta here, go, go!

KIRK: Touch your balls,
ow, fuck, you hurt my arm!

Hey hey, so how
much we talkin' here?

Fuck, I'm thinkin'
5,000 for the record,

10,000 for the video,

and maybe another
5,000 for the merch?

What'd he say?

I don't know, man, that
sounds like way too much.

Yeah, I feel like
10's probably fine.

10 it is.

AL: Okay then.

(KIRK YELLING)

Dude, you and the
fuckin' new guy...

BRAD: Chill out, dude!

Fucked up my
negotiation tactics!

MARK: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

AL: Oh, your fuckin'
negotiation tactics, huh?

New guy?

I couldn't hear
shit ridin' bitch.

We had 20 Gs, Stibe.

He was gonna give us 20 Gs,

and then you needle dick bitches

fuckin' undercut my
position, dude, undercut me.

Okay, we undercut
your position.

All I'm saying is,

do you really think we need
to borrow 20 thousand dollars?

You don't know what
I'm conjuring, dude.

- Kirk.
- You don't know.

At the end of the day,

the more money we borrow,

the more money we
have to pay back.

We don't even have
an EP worth of songs.

Dude, I have millions
of songs, dude,

in my head, what are
you talking about?

I'm not doubting you, okay?

Did it seem like I
was doubting him?

Because I'm not.

By the way, Mark,
you're out of the band.

- Whoa.
- What, dude.

What the actual
fuck did I even do?

Dude, you can't just

oh I forgot someone out
of the fucking band,

this isn't China.

Is this another
round of tests?

Dude, it's not up to me.

ALL: Yes it is!

(DOORS OPENING)

(KIRK GRUNTING)

Hang back.

(CHAIN RATTLING)

What's the key's guy's name?

KIRK: Oh, that's Mark.

His energy fuckin'
blows, get rid of him.

Really?

No married dudes,
that's not the vibe.

He's got the worst
stylistic identity, man.

Yeah, yeah, then
who shall play keys?

I got the perfect
guy, Horus Slays.

I mean, yeah, you gotta pay his
day rate and all that stuff,

but the music industry
is do or die, man.

KIRK: Yeah.

EVERETT: Look at Mark,

looks like a fuckin'
homeless hillbilly,

chained down by
faux marital bliss.

KIRK: Yeah, I could see that.

It's in my eye,
oh god, oh god.

Did I ever tell you

what the manager for
Linkin Park once told me?

I don't know.

He said a rockstar is
someone that girls wanna fuck,

and the dudes wanna be.

And before Stylo and the
Murder Dogs blows the fuck up,

you need to keep

all those music rights
to yourself, all right?

Have all these
greasy bums out here

sign NDAs and non-competes.

And if any of them
give you any guff,

you just replace 'em,

with guys just like Horus
motherfuckin' Slays.

KIRK: A band full of
keyboard players, man, that's...

No, no, independent
contractors.

Right, right.

And you came up with the name?

Yeah, well me and Candice.

Not a question.

Right, right.

He wants me out of the band?

AL: The hell's
wrong with you, man?

It's just business.

Why do we need
this golfer prick?

Producer guy's offering
to do it for free.

Yeah, I thought we didn't
care about the money.

I don't care about
the money, dude,

I have a bigger
picture for this band.

Do you not get that?

I'm talkin' merch,
I'm talkin' videos,

international tours, cool
art projects, whatever...

Kirk, we get that, but what
happens when a label's like

"Drop the band," then what?

He doesn't even
wanna be in the band.

Yes I do...

KIRK: Admit it!

Yes I do, I do.

News flash, you're
married, Shtibe.

You're probably already
thinking about leaving the band.

Are you fuckin'
marriage shaming me, bro?

Yeah, I'm fuckin'
marriage shaming you, dude,

Rachel, think about Rachel.

So you really think that
Rachel's just hunky dory

with you goin' out on
tour with the boys,

and smashin' beers, and
she's just chillin at home,

sitting at a dining table all
by herself, eating a meal,

and when she's like

"Oh, where's Shtibe?"

Yeah, sounds fun.

I knew it dude, I know.

Mark?

What, it maybe'd
crossed my mind.

- Oh my gosh, dude.
- Mark.

What?

I thought she would
come around, you know,

when she heard how good we are.

She hasn't come around?

It's been really hard to
get her to come around lately.

All right, well my vote is,

if Mark could give us his word

that he's gonna be committed
to trying new techniques

to get her to come around,

then fuck golfer prick,
we don't need his money,

let's record for free
with producer guy.

No no no, no dude, you're
not thinking big enough,

you're not thinking big enough.

No, I agree with Brad.

Fine, if he can commit.

Fine.

Mark, can you eternally
commit to being a Murder Dog,

and nothing but a fucking
Murder Dog, so help you God?

Kirk's right!

Oh my god.

- I knew it!
- AL: Come on, man!

I can only commit
to one thing, Rachel.

- Mark.
- Mark.

But you know what?

I would be honored to be
replaced by Horus fucking Slays.

You know Horus Slays?

Yeah, he used to play with
the Master Baits, constantly.

Whoa, that's tight.

We love you, man.

I love you guys.

Come here, man.

KIRK: We love
you, Shtibe, I mean.

I mean, you're doing
the right thing, Stibe.

I know.

KIRK: You're doin'
the right thing.

I know I am.

(EXCITING ROCK MUSIC)

CANDICE: Sky, Kirk
has to be in the middle.

(ALL TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)

Sorry, who the fuck are you?

HORUS: My name is
Horus, Horus Slays.

CANDICE: Oh, right, right.

HORUS: Lookin' for
Stylo and the Murder Dogs.

CANDICE: Yeah, guys,
this is Horus Slays.

Oh, what's goin' on man?

The boys, Stylo
and the Murder Dogs.

AL: Albert.

HORUS: Horus Slays.

Let's get you in an outfit,

thank you so much for coming.

(EXCITING ROCK MUSIC)

CANDICE: All right,
hey, let's focus, okay.

No, no, no.

- Oh!
- AL: Yeah, that one.

Oh yeah!

No.

AL: Oh shit.

Yes, this is it, this is it.

KIRK: That's iconic, dude.

HORUS: That's gorgeous.

Hi, I just need to do a
couple things differently...

Hi.

Yeah, and I think
this is the take.

I think so too.

Yeah, you do?

Yeah, yeah.

Fuck yes, I mean,
even if you didn't,

I would still say this one.

I know you would.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay.

(EXCITING ROCK MUSIC)

- KIRK: Yo.
- AL: Yo.

KIRK: Shot
town, to you, boys!

(AL YELLING)

Oh, tees, tees!

Oh, check this.

What?

Baby lemme see,
lemme see, lemme see!

Oh, those are fucking great.

(SPEAKERS DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)

Well, if you haven't
been, we should go tomorrow.

We should, but I can't tomorrow
night, can you do lunch?

Oh, we can't, we're
meeting with this A&R guy.

Really?

Yeah, Kirk's showin'
him some more songs.

That's epic.

You have to knock on wood now.

What do you mean?

When you say the E word
you have to knock on wood.

What, epic?

Now you have to knock twice.

Okay.

(MELANIE KNOCKING)
(BRAD LAUGHING)

Ignore them.

MELANIE: What are they doing?

Please ignore them.

Oh my god.

They're being dumb.

Well what about the night after?

Um, actually, my parents
are coming into town,

so I have to play tourist
with them for a little bit.

I should meet them.

Right?

Um.

Maybe not?

Did I just make it weird?

No, I just, I mean,
isn't it a little fast

to meet my parents?

Yeah, absolutely, sorry.

No, I mean, you can
meet them if you want to.

Really?

They're actually really great.

So it would be weird,
or it wouldn't be weird?

Fuck it, it's not weird.

(GROOVY ROCK MUSIC)

A&R GUY: So how many songs
have you tracked so far?

BRAD: Three so far.

A&R GUY: Three songs?

Nice.

SOUND MIXER: First time
in the history of mankind

that a band shows up before me.

There he is.

There he is, there he is,

you look like Avril
fuckin' Lavine.

Well you look like
my gay fuckin' uncle.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Good to see you, Jordan.

I was tellin' your boys,

I'm actually through
on my way to South By.

JORDAN: Is this
February already?

A&R GUY: I go
out early, you know?

Calm before the storm.

Yeah, yeah, takin'
the airstream?

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

So we gonna hear some music?

JORDAN: Yeah, are we
gonna hear some music?

Yeah, yeah.

A&R GUY: Cool.

Yeah, oh yeah, where's Kirk?

He's on his way, yeah.

I'm sorry, I gotta
take this, excuse me.

- Oh yeah, yeah...
- I'll be back, guys, yeah?

What the god damned
hell is goin' on here?

We lost Kirk.

You lost Kirk?

Like a little kid in the mall?

Go find him.

We've been trying
to call Candice,

but she's not answering,
and my phone's about to die.

Yeah, I mean, why can't
we just send this guy an MP3

when we find Kirk?

I mean, what's the rush?

Phone's about to
die, what's the rush?

What are you talkin'?

South by Southwest is the
biggest festival in the world

for unsigned bands,
we want this guy

to sign the Murder Dogs,

no matter what
other bands he sees.

Yeah, we know
what South By is.

Listen baby, y'all gotta
chill out on all this stress,

there's more than
one fuckin' A&R guy.

Kirk just does
this shit sometimes,

it's really not a big deal,
we'll get the next one.

You guys are
killin' me, all right?

What are you talkin' about?

How old are you?

Tell me, I wanna hear
it, how old are you?

I'm 22.

- 22.
- Yeah.

Well you're gonna learn
really quickly in life,

there's no guarantee there's
gonna be a next time.

When you get a shot at somethin',
like you got right now,

you gotta make it happen.

We'll find him.

We'll find him.

Yeah.

Guys, let's go, why
are we sitting here?

Let's go find him.

Yeah, I'm fine.

He's probably fucked up
somewhere random or some shit,

so we'll split up.

Look, check yourself, Kirk
paid me through the week,

so technically I'm
yours until 11 PM,

so I'll help out.

Great.

SOUND MIXER:
Now we're fucked.

BRAD: I gotta run home
and get my phone charger.

Find that kid, man.

BRAD: Godspeed.

All right, I'm gonna
try to buy us some time.

Listen to me,
Kirk's goin' through

some super fucked up incestuous
family emergency right now.

Oh no, incestuous?

He's really stepping up, I'm
proud to call him my friend.

I'd share the details with you,

but he's asked us to
keep it confidential.

Yeah, I understand,
that's terrible.

If you could stick
around through the weekend.

The weekend, I
don't think I can.

You have 'til
technically Thursday.

Bro, just send
me the fuckin' MP3s

once they track more tunes.

I'm not sayin' no.

All right, all
right, I'm just sayin,

we both know you're gonna be

seein' a whole
fuck load of bands,

if you stick around
through the weekend,

I'll cut you Kirk's songs,

you could listen to
them on the road trip.

By the time you're
rolling into Austin,

you're gonna have one
group on your mind,

Stylo and the
fuckin' Murder Dogs.

My pops would love if
I stayed the weekend.

Exactly, exactly, you
look out for your family,

Kirk looks out for his family.

All right, you got it Jordan.

All right Chad,
all right, man.

(INTENSE ROCK MUSIC)

MAN IN HAT: This girl
was so fucking ugly,

and I'm hearin'

(SPEAKER DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)

What the fuck is your problem?

Fuck you!

Oh, you fucker!

KIRK: No, fuck you!

Hi hon.

Shit's hit the fan.

MOM: Sorry.

Kirk's been missing,
my phone's about to die.

Are you gonna eat here?

MmmMmm, I'm not gonna
be home until I find him,

you all right?

Yeah, I'm good.

Okay.

Make sure you get food.

(MOM GRUNTING)

(ITEMS CLATTERING)

BRAD: Hey mom, have
you seen my phone charger?

It was on my bedside table.

I don't know, sweetheart.

(PHONE BEEPING)

Oh shit.

(DISH CLATTERING)

Mom, are you okay?

- MOM: No.
- Mom!

Mom, what happened?

Okay, I just need
to get on the ground.

Kay, go slow,
go slow, go slow.

(DOORS CLOSING)

Hey, which hospital?

EMT: St. Luke's on Mill.

All right, I'm followin' you.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(MELANCHOLY ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

No way.

Kirk!

(KIRK COUGHING)

BRAD: Dude, what the fuck?

Dude, Kirk, where have you been?

(KIRK GRUNTING)

Where the fuck have you been?

Get in the car, get in!

(KIRK BURPING)

Put this down, what is that?

Why the fuck are
you at a hospital?

(MELANCHOLY ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

God damn it, Kirk!

What the fuck?

Get ahold of
yourself, man, fuck!

(KIRK GRUNTING)

(MELANCHOLY ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

(BRAD CRYING)

So the deal is, Kirk
and Candice broke up.

Full blown Yoko.

TIFFANY: Yoko?

It means we're fucked.

Candice was his
first real girlfriend.

Oh, and all the songs were
about her, I just realized that.

That makes sense, why all
these songs are so fuckin' good.

They're precious to him.

Hey man, it's past 11, we
can't afford to keep payin' you.

No, you know what?

I already put a lot of time
and energy I can't get back,

so I'm already emotionally
invested up in this bitch.

If you don't mind me askin',

how long were they together?

Three years, she
took his virginity.

AL: In Silver Lake.

Wait, Kirk lost his
virginity three years ago?

Isn't he in his 20s?

Oh my god, you
guys, why did you care

when people lose
their virginity?

I mean, it's not true, okay,

if you don't use
it, you lose it...

Hey, hey hey hey, ho, hey,

of the recent revelations,

your being a virgin is
the least interesting,

and the most predictable.

Now run along, like
a good little virgin,

and get the adults
some hard liquor.

It's gonna be an all nighter.

Stops!

INTERN: Well I'm not...

Get the fuck out!

Somebody need to get that
little munchkin a prostitute.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I got the A&R guy
to postpone his trip.

Oh, awesome.

Do we know who
broke up with who?

He said she left him

for some rich golfer
guy, or somethin'?

BOTH: Golfer prick?

(GLASS SHUFFLING)
(MELANCHOLY FLUTE MUSIC)

MELANIE VOICEMAIL:
Hey, it's me,

don't leave a message,
just come and get a drink.

(PHONE BEEPING)

(GLASS PILING)

Coke me.

BRAD: One, two, three,

(ALL CLAPPING)

(KIRK SNIFFING)

Holy, chug a bean!

Hey bud, it's me, your pal Al,

just tryin' to get a
ballpark on your sobriety,

so that our band can get signed.

Oh, did we finish the tour?

God.

We didn't go on tour.

Hey Kirk, hey, it's me, Brad.

We're here to help you.

AL: He's just
super fucked up.

You gotta choose to come back

from that level of fucked up.

Y'all should probably try to get

his Stephan Hawking
lookin' ass up.

BRAD: Okay, come on.

HORUS: I aint
touchin' that shit.

BRAD: Come on, oh
there you go, hey,

we're running out of time.

I can't.

BRAD: Huh?

I can't go.

You can't go?

No one knows what the fuck
you're talkin' about, dude.

BRAD: Hey, Kirk, you just
gotta let us know what you need

because this A&R guy is...

AL: Yeah, time is
of the essence, here.

KIRK: Oh, Evan's essence.

Oh boy, okay.

Kirk, listen up, little nigga,

I aint with all this Rick
James shit, all right?

You only paid me
through last night,

which means you'd better
sober the fuck up,

or imma bounce, and this Murder
Dog shit aint goin' nowhere.

Okay okay okay, hey
Kirk, it's Brad again.

KIRK: Dad?

No, Brad.

If you love her so much,

why don't you just get
back together with her?

Back together?

Yeah, why don't you
just forgive the affair,

and go after your one true love?

True love?

Oh my god.

Yeah, get that love, Kirk.

Yeah dude, for the
sake of the band,

get back together with
Candice, you fickle bastard!

Yeah, why don't you
ask her hand in marriage?

AL: Yeah, marry
her, marry her!

ALL: Marry her,
marry her, marry her,

marry her, marry her!

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

BOUNCER: There's
a guy out here

who says his mom
fell or some shit?

What?

BOUNCER: There's a guy
outside asking for you.

Then let him in.

BOUNCER: He's underage.

What, he's 17?

- BOUNCER: What?
- Let him in!

Melanie, I'm sorry.

My phone died, my
mom's in the hospital,

Kirk has gone off the walls...

Prove it.

BRAD: Prove what?

Any of it.

How am I supposed to prove it?

Oh, fuck off, dude, I've
dated musicians before.

One minute you're in
town, the next you're not,

I'm not down.

I'm not like that,

if anyone's been fucked by
more musicians, it's me.

Do you really just
expect me to believe

that you're the one musician

who's different from
all the rest of them?

Yeah, maybe, I'm not
saying I'm better than them,

but I think I've been
fucked over so many times

I've learned not to
treat people like that.

Come to hospital with me.

Is she really in the hospital?

Yes, come with me, please.

You're awake.

I feel good.

Wait, wait, easy,
but hug me, oh.

You look skinny, have you eaten?

BRAD: Nothin'.

Who is that?

That's Melanie.

MOM: Hi, are
you the girlfriend?

(MELANIE LAUGHING)

Yeah.

(MOM LAUGHING)

- Just, maybe.
- Come on in.

Honestly, I think this
all happened for a reason.

Okay, so you and
I will make sure

that golfer prick
is neutralized,

and that Candice makes
it out to the front yard.

HORUS: Right on.

And I'm gonna be with
Kirk for the grand finale.

Do you wanna tell
us exactly what it is

you're planning to do, Kirk?

Oh, I know exactly
what me and Brad will do,

just get her out to the
front, I'll get her back.

All right, Gordon
Bombay on three, one, two.

ALL: Gordon Bombay!

Who the fuck is Gordon Bombay?

Brad, can you go silent, over.

BRAD ON RADIO:
Copy you, over.

Horus, you there, over.

HORUS ON RADIO:
What's poppin', over.

Is it weird that
I am super pumped

that this plan involves scarin'

the living shit out of Candice?

Over.

Yo, I'm definitely
diggin' this plan, over.

Hey, what's up chief?

Mr. Fisk.

That's right.

Wow, I am so glad
that the universe

put you and Kirk together, man.

You're tellin' me, man.

I'm a raging fan of Kirk's.

Yeah, I've heard.

Yeah.

Thanks for the fan page.

You saw the fan page?

Yeah, it's great.

It's great.

Yeah, do you mind if
we go over the plan?

The plan, yeah, of course,

you don't wanna talk about
the fan page with me,

no, that'd be crazy, huh?

What am I thinking?

Unless you did?

Okay, the plan,
you and Horus Slays

will enter through the
rear entry with these.

You will then escort
Ms. Candice White,

(WHILE COUGHING) who's a bitch.

Oh, bless you.

Thank you, to the front yard,

where Kirk Stylo
will seduce her,

and once again regain
his god-tier status.

I love this.

I love Kirk.

Kirk, you gotta
fuckin' tell me...

AL ON RADIO: Over to
ground control, over.

Copy that, over.

Do not concede Kirk's
secret stash of energy snort

until you hear code red,

once he's caked, we only
got one shot at this, over.

Where's my secret
stash of energy snort?

Hey man, it's gonna be okay.

Hey, how much longer, over.

I know you possess it.

I repeat, how
much longer, over.

Horus, over.

Oh shit, code red, code red.

BRAD: I'm just
unlocking it, okay?

HORUS ON RADIO:
Code red, code red.

(BOTH YELLING)

Starting the timer now.

(EXCITING ROCK MUSIC)

(MEN GRUNTING)

(SPEAKERS DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)

Come into my house,
fuck, get down.

Who the fuck are you, huh?

Mafia, cartel?

IRS?

Horus Slays?

CANDICE: Get the fuck out!

Come on.

Jeez, we're calling the cops.

KIRK FAN: Put the
Motorola Razr down.

CANDICE: Who
the fuck are you?

I'm the founder of

Stylo and the Murder
Dogs fan page, bitch.

All the songs
are about me, cunt.

(PIANO MUSIC)

♪ Turn around, ♪

♪ Every now and then I
get a little bit loney, ♪

♪ And you're never
comin' 'round, ♪

♪ Turn around, ♪

♪ Every now and then I
get a little bit tired, ♪

♪ Of listening to the
sound of my tears, ♪

♪ Turn around, ♪

♪ Every now and then I get
a little bit nervous, ♪

♪ That the best of all
the years have gone by, ♪

♪ Turn around, ♪

♪ Every now and then I get
a little bit terrified, ♪

♪ Then I see the
look in your eyes, ♪

♪ Turn around, bright eyes, ♪

♪ Every now and
then I fall apart, ♪

♪ Turn around, bright eyes, ♪

♪ Every now and
then I fall apart, ♪

♪ And I need you now tonight, ♪

♪ And I need you
more than ever, ♪

♪ And if you only
hold me tight, ♪

♪ We'll be holding on forever, ♪

♪ And we'll only be
making it right, ♪

♪ 'Cause we'll never be wrong, ♪

♪ Together we can take it
to the end of the line, ♪

♪ Your love is like a shadow
on me all of the time, ♪

♪ I don't know what to do
and I'm always in the dark, ♪

♪ We're living in a powder
keg and giving off sparks, ♪

♪ I really need you tonight, ♪

♪ Forever's gonna
start tonight, ♪

♪ Forever's gonna start, ♪

♪ Once upon a time we
were fallin' in love, ♪

♪ But now I'm just
fallin' apart, ♪

♪ There's nothin' I can do, ♪

♪ A total eclipse
of the heart, ♪

You need help, you're
embarrassing yourself, Kirk.

(KIRK LAUGHING)

You all thought this
was a good idea?

Well, it was
supposed to be like

the opening scene
in "Old School,"

where Will Ferrell's
getting married...

Fuck, shut the fuck up Brad.

Hey, I just wanna
announce that,

as reparations for
me having non-sexual,

but deeply intimate
relations with Candice,

while she was, in fact,
with Kirk at the moment,

I am releasing Stylo
and the Murder Dogs

from their $33,000 debt.

AL: $33,000 debt?

Shut the fuck up.

If you don't get
Kirk off this lawn

and into rehab
right fucking now,

I swear to God I'm
gonna call the cops,

I really mean it.

BRAD: Come on, man.

Jesus Christ.

BRAD: Let's go
get you some help.

(MELANCHOLY ORGAN MUSIC)

KIRK FAN: You got it, Kirk.

Let's get the
fuck out of here.

BRAD: Can you drive?

KIRK FAN: Yeah,
let's go Kirk.

BRAD: Let's go.

HORUS: You did
what you could.

(MELANCHOLY ROCK MUSIC)

Hi.

Kirk, I got a, Kirk.

No, fuck off!

(ALL YELLING)

So now what?

It's fuckin' over, isn't it?

Well, best case scenario,
Kirk actually sobers up.

That's like, but then
who the fuck is he?

Kid's been pitted
since junior high.

How long does it take
for someone to sober up?

A few weeks?

Sometimes you can't separate
greatness from mobeus, man.

Yo, I think this is where

our ships cross in the
night, fellas, I'm out.

Best of luck to y'all, though.

Don't forget, y'all
talented without Kirk,

so keep your heads
up, all right?

It's been good.

All right, man.

Stay up.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

If this Murder Dog
shit ever do take off,

I'll waive my day
rate, plus I'm back in.

Said they're gonna call us.

Yeah, I left my
number with her.

Same.

(AL SIGHING)

Keep your head up, man.

Hope your mom feels better.

Thanks man.

Let me know if
you hear anything.

Will do.

(SOFT ROCK MUSIC)

Somebody cleaned.

Yep, where would
you like to be, mom?

On the couch,
just right there.

Oh here.

Oh thanks, yep,
I got it, I got it.

I gotta take this.

Yeah, of course I got it.

Can I get you anything?

No, I understand you have
some kind of party van?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

BRAD ON PHONE: Jordan?

Can you hear?

Sorry, I have horrible
service in my house,

hey, can you hear me?

Yes I can, I'm
just callin' to see

how you're doin', how
everybody's doin'.

How's your mom?

Oh, she's doin' a lot better,

we just got her home.

Good to hear,
any news on Kirk,

anybody gone over to visit?

BRAD ON PHONE: I guess he
has to invite us or something,

I don't really know.

Oh, yeah, that's too bad.

Well hopefully
you'll be surprised

at what comes out of the
situation, you never know.

All you can do is keep
tryin' to make it happen.

Yeah, that's what
my mom keeps sayin'.

We'll catch 'em
next time, kid.

BRAD ON PHONE: Yes we will,

I'll let you know if I
hear anything, all right?

JORDAN ON PHONE: All right.

Bye.

What'd he say, how'd it go?

Get your fuckin' hand off me.

Yes, sorry.

(MUSIC RUMBLING)

(KIRK GRUNTING)

(BRIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

(BOTTLE SPRAYING)

(PHONE BUZZING)

Hello?

OPERATOR: Sunnyside
Health Clinic,

do you accept a call from
Bartholomew Stylopolis?

Yeah.

(BAND CHEERING)

BRAD: Stylo, ow ow!

Check check check, check!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I've written a new song

called Dick Cheney,

and it's the first song
I've ever written sober.

And I'm gonna jam it.

AL: Yeah man!

Where did he get
all this gear from?

I honestly don't know.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

(KEYBOARD PLAYING)

This is the riff, yeah,
get up here and jam.

You too Horus, take over.

Yeah, you just jam, yeah,
yes, double the hi-hat.

Now follow that, yeah.

(ALL INSTRUMENTS PLAYING)

Doctor, I couldn't
have gotten here.

Are you sure?

I think we got it now.

Okay, you're sure.

Mark, yes.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

♪ Oh, in the midnight,
in the corner, ♪

♪ Oh, in the midnight,
in the corner, ♪

♪ He got in the mood now,
was a woofing door, ♪

♪ It wasn't a secret,
and I heard it go, ♪

♪ Suddenly, happiness
and love come back, ♪

♪ Thought I was
dreamin' me a lullaby, ♪

♪ Hey, say my love
is, I love my babe, ♪

♪ Think I am breathin'
down a soul train, ♪

I'm tellin' you, I
called it Dick Cheney

'cause he got shot,

and I feel like I got shot, man.

Dick Cheney didn't get shot.

HORUS: Never be the same.

He shot the fuckin' guy.

HORUS: Yeah.

KIRK: Are you
sure about that?

100% sure, yeah.

(PHONE BUZZING)

I'm sure, MmmHmm.

I don't know, I
gotta take this.

Talk to me, Jordan.

I got someone here, hold on.

JIM ON PHONE: Hey
Kirk, this is Jim.

I don't know any Jims.

JIM ON PHONE: Jim Atkins,
from Jimmy Eat World, hey.

Oh shit.

JIM: So hey,

Jordan was just
showing me your EP,

and I think it's awesome.

Jimmy Eat World
is about to go out

on a full North American run,

and we were wondering if
Stylo and the Murder Dogs

want to come out with us.

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah
yeah, let me talk to my guys.

(HAPPY ROCK MUSIC)

♪ Come on in, the
water is fine, ♪

If you need anything,

I'm on the first
flight back, all right?

You are such a good kid...

- BRAD: Mom.
- I can't stand it.

- Mom...
- I just wanna squeeze you.

I'm serious, though,
Horus can play anything,

he can cover for
me, I'll be back.

Okay, okay, look
where you are.

You did it.

I love you.

I love you.

You know who else is proud
of you right now, right?

Christopher Cross?

Your dad.

I know, I know, I love you.

Be good.

Whoa.

KIRK: This shit is fun, man,

play Halo, destroy some aliens.

Yeah, I know, this is the
stuff, this is the stuff.

HORUS: Yo, man...

KIRK: Yeah, you know
how to get this hooked up?

This is brand new man, I
don't know how to even...

Hey-o!

(BRAD LAUGHING)

What up, buddy?

Hey.

Welcome to the
tour life, brother!

Ready to get some.

Do you know how to
get this shit goin'?

AL: Yeah, give it to papa.

HORUS: We should
all pull out.

AL: Your dad
shoulda pulled out.

BRAD: Yeah, seriously.

(BRAKES SQUEAKING)

KIRK: Jeez, fuck, shit.

HORUS: The fuck was that?

I'm fucking pregnant, Kirk.

KIRK: What?

CANDICE: I'm fucking
pregnant, bitch!

- No.
- Oh no.

Doesn't she mean
we're pregnant?

(INTENSE ROCK MUSIC)

♪ I'm walkin' down
this hallway, ♪

♪ I walk into the wall, ♪

♪ I see you lookin' my way, ♪

♪ I don't look back at all, ♪

♪ Into the new dimension, ♪

♪ Into another age, ♪

♪ We're livin' to
the brink, babe, ♪

♪ Into the seventh age, ♪

(SINGER DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)

♪ The future's anything
you want, child, ♪

♪ Don't let it steal
your mind, child, ♪

(SINGER DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)

♪ We can be just
who we want, babe, ♪

♪ We can be just what we want, ♪

♪ In the super limit, ♪

♪ Super limit, you
gave us number one, ♪

♪ Super limit, you gave us, ♪

♪ Super limit, you
gave us number one, ♪

♪ Super limit, you gave us, ♪

♪ Super limit, you
gave us number one, ♪

♪ Super limit, you gave us, ♪

♪ Super limit, you
gave us number one, ♪

♪ I'm walkin' down
this hallway, ♪

♪ I walk into the wall, ♪

♪ I see you lookin' my way, ♪

♪ I don't look back at all, ♪

♪ Into the new dimension, ♪

♪ Into another age, ♪

♪ We're livin' to and with it, ♪

♪ They teach us everythin', ♪

(SINGER DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)

♪ You can be just who
you want, child, ♪

♪ Don't let it
steal your mind, ♪

(SINGER DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)

♪ We can be just
who we want, girl, ♪

♪ We can be just
who we want, girl, ♪