Teen Witch (1989) - full transcript

Richie! Get out of there,
you little pinhead!

Whoa!

Huh! Touch me and die, lady.

Ew! Why don't you keep
your food in your own pigsty?

Are you nuts?
That's the first place mom would look.

All you think about
is food.

All you think about
is Brad,

"The red-hot lover."

Brad, the great.
Oh, Brad!

You have been reading my diary again,
haven't you?

Brad, "The red-hot lover."
Oh! Oh, darling! Oh!



If I ever, ever catch you reading this again,
I promise, I will... Ooh!

"Brad, kiss me, darlin'.

"Oh, I love to feel
your arms around me."

Louise!

Up and at 'em!

Mom, I'm already up.

Breakfast in three minutes.

Good morning.

Morning, Honey.
Morning.

God...

Mmm, Kitten, you're looking
very pretty.

I know, Daddy.
This is your favorite color.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, this is
my favorite daughter.



Hi.
Hi.

I see prince charming
has arrived

right on time
to pick up Cinderella.

You mean
Lady Guinevere.

Hi!

Can you believe it?

How does she do that?

Genes.

Did you see
what she was wearing?

Oh, who notices
what she wears?

It was pretty sleazy.

I mean, you'd never catch me
wearing something like that.

I'll say.

God!

♪ Takin' out time
and we're feelin' cool

♪ Don't really need to be
hangin' in school

♪ It's okay,
we got nothing to lose

♪ Can't you see, baby,
it's the high school blues

♪ Here sittin' sick 'cause
it's a waste of our time

♪ 'Cause anything we learn
about makin' a dime

♪ What the heck?
We know that we are no fools

♪ 'Cause we're gettin' stuck
with the high school blues ♪

Excuse me, pretty...

Are you sure
you go to high school?

Great. Just great.

Ignore them.

One day,
we'll be the seniors. Yeah.

See you in class.

Bye, Poll.
Bye.

Pax vobiscum, Louise.

Hi. Well, um...
We just wanted to let you know

that you're a candidate.
It's in the bag.

What? I... I'm sorry.
For Latin club president.

You're a shoo-in!

So, did your dad
get you the car?

Oh, it's in the works.

It doesn't really matter,
though.

Brad takes me everywhere
I want to go anyway.

Oh!
Door-to-door l'amour.

The 16th-century poets raised passion to an art form,
and today...

Why is it
that romance is dead?

'Cause all the chicks
are a drag, that's why.

Who said that?

Well, well.

Our honor student has graced us with her presence.

Apparently,

skipping grades is not enough for Miss Miller.

She feels
she can also afford

to waste our valuable time
as well!

You people think
this is some sort of game,

that I have nothing better
to do with my time

than to stand here
and teach senior English?

Well, do you, Miss Miller?

No, sir. No.
No, Mr. Weaver.

Papers down to the front.

I'll bet not one of you knows
who John Donne is.

One of the, uh,
romantic poets you've been talking about, Mr. Weaver.

My question was purely rhetorical,
Miss Miller!

All right, let's see
if anyone in this class

has been able to convey
his or her idea of romance

into words, huh?

Now, this one is sticky,

but fascinating.

"He pressed his lips
against mine...

"...but he didn't
stop there.

"Soon,

"every inch of my body
was covered

"with Brad's kisses.

"Who would believe
tonight I was totally his?"

Yes, who indeed?

Miss Miller.

- What?
- Ooh!

Bye, Louise!

Louise?

Don't let Weaver
get to you.

Everyone knows
he's a jerk.

I'll never be able
to face Brad again, Polly.

Hey, cheerleaders,
I got the new cheer.

So fab!

♪ I... like... boys!

♪ I'm throwing out
my doll house

♪ I'm giving up my toys

♪ I realized this morning

♪ I like boys

♪ I like boys

♪ I like boys

♪ I like boys

♪ I... like... boys!

♪ I'm giving up my hopscotch

♪ To keep the little boys

♪ I'm doin' little lipsies

♪ To attract some boys

♪ I like boys

♪ I like boys

♪ I like boys

♪ I... like... boys!

♪ I'm making no more mud pies

♪ I'm staying out of the dirt

♪ I'm gonna buy some nylons

♪ And a leather mini skirt

♪ I like boys

♪ I like boys

♪ I like boys

♪ I... like... boys!

♪ I'm gonna let the world know

♪ By making lots of noise

♪ No people turning back now

♪ 'Cause we... like... boys!

♪ We like boys

♪ We like boys!

♪ We like boys

♪ We like boys!

♪ We like boys

♪ We like... We... like... boys!

♪ We like boys

♪ We like boys!

♪ We like ♪

Hey, see you later, Brad!

We're animals!

Hey, we're number one!

All right, let's go!

Now for the other
two finalists.

As the knight Hans,
Brad Powell.

And for the lead role
of Ondine, Louise Miller.

Louise?

Just think of this as the ultimate
test of your acting ability.

Don't be Louise.
Be Ondine.

You can do it.

Go. Good luck.

We shall have this hour
always to remember,

the hour
before you kissed me,

before you said
you loved me.

I can't wait an hour.

Tell me now.

Do you think this is something one says just like that?

What must I do?
Sit in your lap?

In my lap of armor?

I have ways
of removing armor.

And my arms,

do you think they open
to the first comer?

I have ways
of opening arms...

And closing them.

Whoo! Brad!

Lovely. Very special,
all of you. Thank you.

That was so good.

Ah. Thank you.

Uh, the director
has decided that, uh,

Lawrence will play the king.

Brad and...

Kiki will play the leads.

And Louise will be the assistant costume mistress.

Ahhh!

Whoa! Ow!

God! Uh...

Louise.

Louise, are you okay?
Yes.

Here, let me help you.
No, I can do it.

Here. I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
I guess it's my fault.

No. It was a failed
suicide attempt.

Listen, can I take you home?

No! Brad, no. Um...

You... You don't...
You don't have to.

I know, but I'd like to.

Bradley, she said she's okay.
Let's go.

Are you sure you're okay?
Yes. I... I'm fine.

Go.

Terrific. Now what
am I going to do?

Great.

Hello?

Hello?

Approach, my little one.

Don't be afraid.

Madame Serena knows all,
sees all,

tells all. Come.

Actually, I just came
to use your phone.

Impossible.

I never use a phone.
Come.

Come!

Sit.

Look, because it is
a stormy night,

I will give you a palm-reading at a special price.

Well, listen, I'm sorry.
I've really... I really got to go.

'Cause I'm kind of
late already, and I just...

Don't worry.

I like you,
I like your cutesy little Punky Brewster face.

How much of money you have?

Um...

Let me see...

About $6.

I knew it.

Okay!

Please...

Put the money on the offering plate and cover it up.

Madame Serena
must never see the money.

Okay...

You are still
in high school,

but that certain somebody
doesn't know you're alive.

Don't worry.
Somebody you already know

will become your sweetheart.

You will marry him

and you will have
two children.

Can you see who he is?

My God in heaven.

What did you say
your name was?

Louise Miller.

Miller!

It's you!

What do you mean, it's me?

You're not a mark.
You're one of us.

One of who?

When is your
16th birthday?

Oh, wait. Next week.
Am I right?

Yeah.

You will receive these powers on your 16th birthday.

What powers?

Strange things will start to happen,
but you must trust me.

Trust me?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure. Okay.
Whatever.

♪ ...which nobody can deny ♪

Yeah.
- Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Oh, Mother, the cake
is really beautiful.

What's so sweet
about her?

Louise, you did mail the invitations,
didn't you?

Well, yeah.
Maybe it's a surprise party.

Funny, Richie.

Can I have my cake now?

Oh, here.
Why don't you

open your gift before your friends come?
Okay.

I bought it for you at
the young Miss department.

It was very expensive.

Gee, it's... really...

Different.
I'm so glad you like it.

Oh, I... I love it.
It's great, really.

No one's coming to your
sweet 16 party, Louise.

Hello?
- Louise.

Hi, Polly!

The worst possible thing
is happening.

It's like
"birthday on Elm Street."

Okay, I run into Kiki
and Shawn at the mall.

I was getting
your birthday present.

Randa is having a party!

What?
I mean, tonight.

She's invited
everybody after school.

Oh.
I know.

I know. It's like "revenge
of the cheerleaders."

Yeah, okay.
Why don't you come over?

Are you okay? Yeah, okay.
I'm there. I'll be right over.

You will receive these powers
on your 16th birthday.

Strange things will start to happen,
but you must trust me.

Trust me.

Trust me.

But after 20 years of teaching household skills,

the board has seen fit
to ask me to teach you...

Sex education.

Adam had
one of these.

Does anyone know what...
What this might represent?

A Roger. A loved one.

Joystick. Dong.

Zipper lizard. Tallywaker.
Trouser-snake. Schlong.

That... That's enough, Rhet.
Thank you.

No problem.

Now, it's a race against time.

Sparky sperm is loose and he's heading for the target,

Edna, the egg.

And when he reaches it,
he makes a baby.

Go, Edna.

That... That is exactly
what we don't want.

Not yet. So...

Use one of these
at all times!

It's called a condom.

Condom.

Condom.

Condom.

Condom. Condom.
Condom.

Come on. Will ya?

What's the holdup?
We ain't got all day. Come on!

Here, let me try.

Thanks, Brad.
It's okay.

Oh, divine, divine!

Whoo!
Thank you.

This reminds me when I played Mary,
Queen of Scots.

Really? You did?

Yes, in New Haven.
The critics loved me.

So what happened?
The best reviews in the world,

and then two years without a part.
Oh, well.

I love teaching.

Aw, Ms. Malloy.

I love you.
Aww.

I mean,
you're just not like the other teachers.

Darling,
all the world's a stage!

Ms. Malloy, my life
is a walking, talking tragedy.

Louise, my dear,
there's so much of you in me it hurts.

Oh, I've never
seen this before.

That's cool.

Take a look, dear.
It's very old.

That's really strange.

Do you like it?

Yeah.

I think
you should keep it.

Me?
Absolutely.

I believe it'll
bring you luck.

Oh, I feel different already.

Louise.

My cousin David is coming from out of town,

and he needs a date
for the dance Friday,

so I was wondering if you'd like to come with us.

Well, I...

Sure! Okay!

Great. We'll pick
you up about 8:00.

See ya.
Okay.

Bye!
Bye!

See ya there!

I mean, here!
I... I mean... then.

Do you believe that?

Not really.

Well, I guess everybody else already had a date.

Louise,
she didn't ask me.

Maybe she's really
starting to like you.

Randa?

Well, maybe your luck
is starting to change.

Oh, my God.
What are you going to wear?

Dad?

Oh, come on, kitten.
Why the long face?

That outfit your mother bought you looks great on you.

Dad...

This... This is what
everybody's wearing.

I look like
such a geek.

Dad, she has no idea
what it's like for me.

Now I'm going
to show you something.

Dad, just forget it,
okay?

I've already seen
mom's senior picture.

No, no, no.

I'm going to let you in
on a little secret.

Ah.

Hmm.

Ew! So who's that?

That is your mom
in junior high.

Oh! That's mom?

Oh, Frank, that's
a terrible picture of me!

No, Mom!
I think you look really... sweet.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.
They're here!

How do I look?

Knock 'em dead, kitten.
You look very sweet.

Okay. Okay.

Bye.
Bye.

Hi.

I'm David,
Randa's cousin.

Ready?

Wow, I love your look,
complete with beaver cleaver advance.

You are going to wear
your glasses, aren't you?

I don't wear glasses.

Huh. Shall we?

Hey, Kids!
Welcome to your harvest dance!

Yeah, time to sow
some wild oats!

I'm Ramondo,
your favorite radio deejay.

Listen, you're out here
to have fun, you know.

If you don't dance,
we shoot at your feet.

Whoa! Ho-ho!

Look, uh,
can you just go ahead?

I... I need to go
to the ladies' room.

Okay, babe, you got it.

♪ I'm an emotion

♪ I'm like a bomb goin' off
and I'm in

♪ Millions of pieces

♪ Runnin' around
till I drop but I

♪ I can be a cool one

♪ I can be brilliant at times
but then

♪ Pull back the feelin'

♪ Don't really know
why I stop

♪ But it's
a shame, shame, shame

♪ That I always
have to change

♪ It's a shame, shame, shame

♪ That I always
have to change ♪

Guess who?

What are you trying to do,
embarrass me in front of a bunch of strangers?

Oh, nice bow tie.

Oh, and where'd you get the haircut, hmm?
Dr. Demento?

Jeez, I... I didn't think
I looked that bad.

Okay. Okay.

It's Friday the 13th,
and we're obviously stuck with each other,

so let's call a truce,
okay?

Okay.

♪ It's a shame, shame, shame

♪ That you always
have to change ♪

All right, guys,
grab your wallets,

'cause here comes
a slow song.

You want to smoke
some weed?

No. No drinks, no weed,
no pot, no pills,

no roaming hands.

I'd like to sit this one out,
if you don't mind.

I could just die.

Can you believe this guy
I'm here with?

Be grateful.
I had to come alone.

God...

I wish he'd just
look at me.

Oh, my God!

He's looking right at you!

I wish he'd just come over.

Excuse me.

I need to talk to you.
Can we step outside?

Sure... Brad.

Boy, look at those stars.

Yeah. You know,
the closest one is four light-years away.

Did you know,
if we made a wish on it,

it wouldn't come true
for eight years.

Yes, that's...
I'm sorry. I just...

When I'm nervous,
I just can't stop talking.

Well, what are
you nervous about?

Well, you know...
Being this close to you.

I'm sorry.

Well, what did you want
to talk to me about?

Well... can I speak
freely to you?

Sure. Of course.

I have a little brother.
I know about men.

Can I come over to your house tomorrow night?

Well, my parents
are going to be home.

That's okay.
Huh?

Yeah, well,
I'd like you to help me with my English paper.

Oh. Love to. Great.

Oh, thanks.

You know how Mr. Weaver is,
and if I don't improve on my grade,

I won't be able
to play football,

and that pretty much blows
any chance of SC.

Having fun?

Give David
your keys.

We're going over to Kiki's in her car.

Thanks, Sport.

Bye.

Ahem.

The night's young.

Let's party.

I can drive through a fog
like a hog with a hard-on.

Let's go, Wolf Man.

Uh, David, this is not the way to Kiki's.
Says whom?

Give me
some soul kisses, baby!

Ugh! How would you like it
if somebody groped you?

I'd love it, baby!
Come on!

Hey, I got an idea!
Let's do it while we're movin'!

David!

Stop it! David!
Ahhh!

Knock it off!

Give me one kiss and I'll be nice!
Hah!

I wish you would just
leave me alone!

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Oh, no!

What am I gonna do?

How do I get him back?
I don't know what to do.

Madame Serena.
Madame Serena will know what to do.

Oh, what if mom finds out,
she'll kill me!

Oh, no.

Looks like she's home now.

Serena. Serena, you're not
gonna believe this.

Please, be here.
Oh, be here.

Open up! Hello?

Hello? Oh, no!
She's closed.

Where's mom?

Out. What are you
supposed to be?

This is disgusting!

You better clean this mess up before mom gets home.

I don't have to.

I am telling you,
I don't want to listen to her yell at you.

You are
an unbelievable pig!

I'm rubber, you're glue.

Whatever you call me
sticks back on you.

No. I'm rubber,
you're glue.

Whatever you call me
sticks back on you!

You think you're hot stuff
'cause you went to a dance.

Dream on! Nobody wants to date you,
because you're a dog. A dog!

A dog!

Hey, I feel funny.

Can't stand up!

You are standing up.

I'm a dog!

Louise,
what did you do to me?

You! You... Nothing!
Nothing I can't fix.

It was just a mistake!
I can fix it!

Look at me! I'm a...
Look at all this hair on me!

I even smell like a dog!
Aw man wait...

Richie! Come back!
I got to get out of here! Help!

Richie, I promise
I can fix it! Just...

It's mom!
She hates dogs!

Can we...
She'll take me off to the pound.

Louise, we got to do something.
I can change you back.

Whoo, you stink!

I've got an idea.

A bath? This is
your great idea?

You don't want to go to the pound,
do you? Let me go!

They kill dogs at the pound.
What are you doing?

I definitely promise to fix this...
What's going on?

Just as soon as my friend gets back.
I hate baths!

There's water!
No!

No! No!

You've been acting crazy!
Ahhh! Richie!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Let me out, you sucker!
You pervert!

What did I tell you?

At 16, your powers
would come into play.

And you know,
the really weird thing is,

I don't even know
how I changed him back.

You didn't.

Beginners' spells
are very weak.

They wear off. Water reverses them.
They'll get stronger.

Me?

A witch?

You have the power to make
anything you want happen.

You mean like make potions
and curses and all that junk?

Where'd you get that?

What? Oh, um,
at school. Why?

I think it's time
you saw something.

There comes a time in every
witch's life that she must see this.

You won't believe it.

Here it is,
"New faces of 1652."

Look here.

That's you,

and you were wearing the same
amulet that you're wearing now.

And that's me.

You're kidding!

Mmm.
Then why did I get the amulet again?

Because it belongs to you.
You belong to it.

It's a symbol
of your power.

I wasn't even
looking for it.

But it was looking for you.

That's the way magic works.

Here...

Read this.

Brush up
on your basics.

You're a very
lucky girl.

We can even make our own money.
Come on. I'll show you.

First, a lump of coal.
Now, put your hand over it.

Come on.
Repeat after me.

Arra arralon
shem hemforus.

Arra arralon
shem hemforus.

Mecca ramedy
e pluribus unum.

Mecca ramedy
e pluribus unum!

Want to try hundreds?

Uh, no. No, not now.
I got to go.

Wait!

Louise!
I know what it's like at school!

People treat you
like a little girl.

Yeah.

They do.

Don't you know
what this means?

We can change all that,
make them respect you. It'll be fun!

We can?

There's somebody you want
to get back on, right?

Well, maybe.

Sure.
I know what it's like to be 16.

I've been 16
four times already.

Liebchen, with me in your corner,

they won't have Louise Miller
to kick around anymore.

Thanks.
Thanks, Madame Serena.

♪ Money tree

♪ Oh! Oh! For me!

♪ Help me save
the money tree

♪ The money, oh ♪

Hell's bells.

"Magic works by stimulating the
harmonies that exist in nature.

"All things natural
are under your sway.

"The power is in the word.

"Be careful what you say."

The power is in the word.

The power
is in the word.

Um, "Basic spells
to call the winds.

"Omni suminaro
suminaro wawan."

Omni suminaro
suminaro wawan.

Omni suminaro
suminaro wawan!

Ahhh!

Ugh!

Wawan reversum!

Phew.

Not bad.

"To summon rain.

"Omni regere suminaro."

Omni regere suminaro!

"The truth spell can be applied to chronic liars.

"They will only be able
to tell the truth,

"no matter what
the consequences.

"You need the following..."

You should sing the lead
in the school play.

Kiki, your voice
sounds great.

No.
I'm not kidding, Kiki.

I mean,
doesn't it sound great, Randa?

You should sing for real!
Yeah?

Astrath barbas tetragormaton,
theos ishnos arthitos!

What?

It's a, uh... New U2 song.

Yeah. It... It's really cool.
Oh, really?

Uh-huh.
It's a... An import.

Oh.

To tell you the truth, Kiki,
your voice is lousy.

You sound like Pee-wee Herman.
What?

She's right.
You cannot carry a tune.

What do you mean?
Yes, I can!

She's just being honest.
Your voice sounds terrible.

I mean, you shouldn't even be
allowed to sing Happy Birthday, okay?

Butt out, Shawn. You know,
I don't even like you.

Neither does anybody else.
Uh-huh.

Great. Then I won't have to pick you up
every day and deal with your alcy mother.

Really, Kiki. Your mother's a joke.
Everyone feels sorry for you.

And who are you?
Princess Di?

Look, you're too lazy
to even cover your roots.

Shut up, skank!
Ahhh!

She threw her
in the pool.

I was just kidding, Randa.
I really do like your hair.

Randa, you know,
I think the whole world can see your bruise.

Hmm.
- Oh, but out, bitch!

When you
look in the mirror,

you're going to thank me
for this.

Omni...

Transformatum...

Saliente... rex!

Omni transformatum

saliente rex!

How'd it go?

Oh, Serena, it was wonderful!
It was perfect!

I told you...
The time of your life.

This is just the beginning.
It's going to be like the good old days!

Madame Serena...
What?

You know
I... I'm crazy about Brad.

Well, can I...
Well, you know...

Make him love me?

Are you kidding?
Love you?

With me being your coach,
he's gonna become your love slave!

Do you... Do you think
we can really do this?

Of course.

But first you need
to do a spell for me.

Now just relax
and give me the juice.

Omni transformatum

saliente rex!

Oh!

Well, where'd he go?

Never mind. I know
just where to find him.

About Brad...

All you need to do is sprinkle this on your bed,

get Brad to sit on it
while you say,

"Lothum sorceratum
athenora."

Lothum sorceratum
athenora.

Now, you mustn't delay
with these spells.

They tend to stale.

He's going to be crazy about you...
A love slave!

Oh, Prince!
Are you there?

Oh...

That wonderful witch.

She did it.

Darling,
how I have longed

to see you standing there
before me...

Loving me, adoring me.

What, darling?
What do you want to say?

How long I've waited
to hear these words!

Speak! Speak!

Hi... Brad...

Hi, Louise.

Isn't it a little dim in here
for us to study?

Oh. Uh...

Yeah.
Uh, I can fix that.

Sure.

Where are all the chairs?

Chairs? Uh...

Being reupholstered.

Well, I guess we'll just
have to sit on the bed.

Where are all the chairs?

Never mind. Just get
out and leave us alone,

or you'll be having
dog food for dinner.

Uh... I thought you might like this.

Where are all the chairs?

I moved them
so I could exercise.

Oh. Well, uh...

Call me if you
need anything.

Now we won't be disturbed.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes, yes.
Sit down, sit down.

Lothum malfalon athenona...

What?
Seranum somonofic

metolium Brad Powell.
What?

I wish that
Brad Powell would...

What do you wish?

Oh...

Never mind. Oh!

Here.

Have a seat.

Don't...

Ask.

Don't even think about asking.

Um, listen...

Do you mind if I get
personal for a minute?

I'd like to apologize
for a couple of things.

Why, Brad?

Well, first off,

I shouldn't have let you
go home with David.

I mean, he was
pretty out of it.

Oh, he was harmless.

I told him to
get lost and he...

Disappeared.

Anyway, I really appreciate you
helping me with my English paper.

You know, it is so hard for me to
concentrate at the end of the year.

Oh, graduation?

No. The prom.

Randa brings
it up every day...

"What am I going to wear?
Where are we going for dinner?"

You know, why do
you put up with her?

I mean, she
seems so superficial.

Every guy wants
to go out with the most

popular girl in school.

Popularity really counts,
doesn't it?

Sure.

We are here to
study, not talk.

That's why we refer
to it as study period.

No, no, no, no, no!
Allow me. Allow me.

Expecting rain,
Miss Miller?

Please...

Don't go through
my purse, Mr. Weaver.

Ha-Ha...
Oh...

Birth control pills.

All in their place.

Just thinking
about it, eh, Louise?

I'm warning you.

Warning me?

Well, listen to
that, will you?

And what will you do
if I don't stop...

Tell my mommy?

Oh, what a night.

Isn't that cute?
What is that?

Oh, it's nothing, mom.

It's just a little something
for school, that's all.

Well, pleasant
dreams, honey.

Okay. You too.
Good night.

All right, Weaver,

let's see how you
like being toyed with.

What is the internal conflict
besetting Hamlet in this act?

Anybody know?

I'll give you
a hint, class.

Some of you

may have experienced
this problem

if your parents
are divorced.

It is a crisis

of adolescence.

Hamlet is
calling into question

his loyalty.

Does, uh,

does it seem hot in here?

Uh, would somebody,

put... on... the air?

What is he calling
into question?

He, uh... Nobody thinks
it's hot in here?

Uh, the answer
I am waiting for

is, what is Hamlet
calling into question?

His...

Ah! No!

His manhood,
you idiots!

What is the matter
with you people?

His manhood!

Mr. Weaver!

Hot.

It's okay, Mr. Weaver.

With a little rest, you'll be just fine.
- Hmm...

Trust me.

Wow!

Oh!

Mr. Weaver!

Are you
all right, Weaver?

You okay?

What next?

Oh...

How could Richie
do this?

She worked so
hard on this doll.

♪ No second chances

♪ No turns in the track

♪ This time it's over

♪ And that's a fact

♪ Too late for sorrys

♪ It's over and done

♪ Hard in a coffin
means you had your fun

♪ All washed up ♪

Very refreshing.
Very refreshing.

Of course, I want to
pay for the shower.

That's okay.
It's free today.

Oh, well, that's
for the hot wax.

Louise. Louise, dear!

Oh! I'm sorry
I'm late, it's just that

the most amazing things
have been happening.

I know.

I won the state lottery.

Really?

Yes! The whole thing.

And the weird thing is,

I never even
bought a ticket!

I got this letter
in the mail,

and then I looked in the pocket of my
brown sweater and there was this ticket!

Then I realized how perfectly shabby I was looking,

so I bought
a whole new wardrobe.

Oh! And your hair.

Oh, you like it?

Are you kidding?
Look at you. You're,

you're a raving beauty!

Oh, well...

I don't know about that.

Anyway,

when I left the salon,
I met the most wonderful man.

Actually, he's
an Argentine count,

Armando Logando.

Oh!
Don't tell anyone,

but I'm taking a sabbatical.

Well, it's about time.

Come on. Come on.

And the most
wonderful thing,

he's taking me
around the world

and a few other places
I can't quite remember.

I don't know why,
but I want to thank you.

There he is,
Count Logando!

Oh!

Oh, darling!
This is that darling Louise.

Louise, I'm leaving everything
in your capable hands.

Take hope,
dear child.

Believe me.

Anything can happen.

Brad just
waved at you.

I know. I wish he saw more in me
than just brains, though, you know.

Give him
time.

Men are like
another species.

They're really hard
to get through to.

Like, take Rhet,
for example.

Rhet?

Capeletti?

You
like Rhet, Polly?

You think he's
weird, don't you?

I mean, he's not
exactly my type,

but, yeah, I
guess he's cute.

Yeah, and he's really nice,
and he's really funny.

I heard him
in class once.

Oh, and he has
the cutest walk.

Yeah, I guess I could see
you guys together.

♪ I'm King

♪ And they know it

♪ When I snap my fingers,
everybody says show it

♪ I'm hot

♪ And you're not

♪ But if you want
to hang with me

♪ I'll give it one shot,
top that ♪

Want a Pez?

No, I'm not
in the mood.

Come on.

Oh, my God.

Let's go back
the other way.

No! Just go up
and talk to him.

Are you kidding?

I'd be so embarrassed.

Look at how funky he is.

I will never be hip.

♪ I'm hot

♪ And you're not

♪ But if you want
to hang with me

♪ I'll give it one shot

♪ Top that

♪ Top that

♪ You can do
all that you can

♪ But you'll never
top that

♪ Top that ♪

♪ Supersonic, Idiotic

♪ Disconnected,
not respected

♪ Who would ever really
want to go and top that?

♪ Such a waste,
a pretty face

♪ But hang it in
your nowhere space

♪ I wish that you
would take a look

♪ And really stop that,
top that

♪ Well, stop that

♪ I don't really give a

♪ About tryin' to
top that. Top that,

♪ Stop that

♪ I wish you'd finally
take a real look

♪ And really stop that

♪ What's This?
♪ Stop That

♪ What gives?
♪ Top that

♪ I don't really give a

♪ About tryin'
to top that

♪ Top that
♪ Big deal

♪ Stop that
♪ Unreal

♪ You can try
until you're blue

♪ I will make
a fool o' you

♪ Top that ♪

Whoo!

Top that.

Hi, Serena.

Oh, what is it?

Is it a revenge potion or
a bad luck spell or what?

It's goulash.

Sorry.

So, Liebchen,

now he's eating out of
the palm of your hand, right?

Oh, I couldn't do it.

Of course you could.

No. Don't you see?

I don't want to put a spell on him.

I want him to like
me because of me,

because he thinks
I'm fabulous.

Kids.

They're never
satisfied.

Oh, and another thing.

I want to look...
Like her.

Seems like a waste
of a good spell...

Come on, Serena, listen.

You know,
everybody keeps telling me I'm going to be this,

this big heartbreaker
when I'm older,

but I'm ready now.

and I'm just tired
of waiting, you know?

I mean, I want to be
the most popular girl.

That's a big spell.

It involves
a lot of people.

I'm not sure your powers
are strong enough yet.

So you'll help me, right?

Right?

Most popular girl.

This one looks good.

"Cleopatra,

"Marie Antoinette,

"Marilyn Monroe,

"Annette Funicello."

Hmm.
No.

No.

Let's see what
you've got.

Yes! We might be able
to pull this one off.

Yeah?
Yeah!

Could you hand
me this, dear?

Sure.

Please,
sit down.

I never thought
I'd do this for anyone.

What's this?

The last of
my powers.

I was saving it
for a mink coat...

To wear in
the ice age.

Oh, Serena.

All right, that's it.

Yay!

Oh. All right.

You'll need a piece
of her clothing

and one of
her records.

And then sprinkle this
all over yourself

and spin around
13 times at 45 rpm,

counterclockwise

and repeat this...

"Argentum popularum

"sincerum"

Louise, you're crazy.

How do you expect
to get in to see Shana?

Just walk right in.

I have this feeling she wants
to give me her tour jacket.

Right.

♪ I've Been Goin'
Outta my mind

♪ Tryin' to find a way
to make you mine ♪

Oh, my god!
Wasn't that Johnny Hughes?

Yeah, I think so. Come on.
Be quiet. Okay. Okay.

Oh, this is so exciting...
- Hey!

You can't come back here.
You have to be on a list to come back here.

Well...

My name's Louise Miller,
and we are on the list.

You're not on my list. I know.

Well, check it again
because I know we're on it.

Look, I just
made the list out.

Miller?

Oh, yeah.

Louise miller.

Well, you weren't on the list
a second ago.

Here.

Here's your two passes.

Thank you.

♪ Time is up,
I've waited enough

♪ Better be prepared

♪ Don't expect me there

♪ Never gonna be ♪

How did you do this?

I can't believe this!
Can you believe it?

I know.
I cannot believe that we are on a real stage,

and Shana is right there,
and we're right here.

Look, that audience
is getting totally thrashed.

Let's wave.
No... No.

♪ Why do you make it hard

♪ For me to breathe?

♪ Oh-oh-oh... ♪

God...

Shana is looking
right at you!

♪ Right through me

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Louise!

Did you have any trouble getting back here?
No!

Well, I'm glad
you made it.

Look, I want you
to have this jacket.

I've had it since
my first album.

It's my lucky
jacket. Please?

Okay. Sure, Shana!

Well, I gotta go.
They're taping this.

I'll talk to
you guys later.

Bye!

Oh, my God!

♪ It's Never Gonna Be ♪

♪ Never Gonna Be ♪

♪ The same again

♪ It's Never Gonna Be

♪ The same again

♪ It's never gonna be

♪ Never gonna be

♪ The same again

♪ It's never gonna be ♪

Argentum popularum sincerum.

Argentum popularum sincerum.

♪ It's never gonna be

♪ The same again

♪ It's never gonna be

♪ The same again ♪

Louise, will you
turn the music down?

I can't hear myself think.

Louise!

Hey, Louise, why don't you
ride to school with us?

I'd love to.

♪ Gonna be some major changes

♪ Comin' over me

♪ Gonna take a dream

♪ Into a real fantasy

♪ I'm gonna be
the most popular girl

♪ Gonna change
my hair and makeup

♪ Soon you're gonna see

♪ I'm gonna be
the most popular girl

♪ Hey, there, Sugar,
won't you ride with us?

♪ Come on, petty baby,
don't you put up a fuss

♪ Looks like you
really caught my eye

♪ Jump up in the car,
so that we can all fly

♪ Be cool, baby,
don't you put up a fight

♪ Whether it's Wednesday
or Saturday night

♪ We'd like you to come
into our world

♪ 'Cause every cool guy
needs a popular girl

♪ Gonna be
all draped in diamonds

♪ How they're gonna shine

♪ All the press
and the attention

♪ I will never mind

♪ I'm gonna be
the most popular girl

♪ I'm gonna be
the most popular girl ♪

Come on. Hurry up.

Brad?

Isn't this great?

Oh, you scared me.

Yeah. This is...

It's neat.

You know...

Brad?

Great.

Psst.

He took the long way,
and then he kissed you.

How did you know?

I'm your Serena, dear.
I know everything.

Yeah, but why?

Why did
he kiss me?

Was it because
of the spell?

What's the difference?
You're irresistible.

That's what you wanted.

Yeah, but if it was
because of the spell, then,

I mean, how do I know
he really cares?

Louise, darling,
what's the difference?

The difference is,
I don't want him to just

suddenly
stop liking me.

Well, that happens
with or without magic.

Not if love is real.

Falling in love
is just a trick anyway.

The right lighting,
the right music,

the right haircut...

People fall in love
and then...

One day it's over.

When he kissed me,

was he really kissing me?

Louise, nothing
lasts forever.

That is just too
depressing to believe.

I mean, some people
fall in love,

and they stay in love.

Hi, Louise.

Hi.

I love her hair.

What a radical
outfit, Louise.

You're so funny, too.

I wish I looked
like Louise.

I wish I was Louise.

Oh, yeah.

My, aren't we
trendsetting this morning.

You know,
this is so weird.

Everybody looks like me.

Well, the price
of fame and fortune

is to be envied,
then copied,

and finally discarded.

Says who?

I read it someplace.
Probably Rob Lowe.

"My dearest, Louise,

"Armando and I have done
Europe twice already

"and now we are in Aruba.

"Armando is
teaching me Spanish.

"I'm so happy. You
brought me luck, Louise

"and I love you for it.

"Con amor, siempre.

"With love, always,
Edith Malloy."

"Con amor, siempre"

Con amor, siempre.

Oh, Louise.

My first lead
in the school play.

I'm so excited.

Yeah. Too bad Ms. Malloy
isn't here to see it.

Hurry up, girls.

And don't say
good luck.

Why not?

Show biz superstition.

Okay. There.

Break a leg.
Huh?

"Break a leg", that's what
you're supposed to say.

Oh. Neat.

You're on, Kiki.

Okay.

Break a leg, Kiki!

I can't move it. It's broken.

Kiki, I...
I didn't mean it.

Louise, you're the understudy.
You'll have to play it.

Jeez, Louise.

What did you
do, trip her?

Hey.

Hey.

I hear you got the lead
in the school play.

Yeah.

Well, it looks like Cinderella
is finally going to the ball?

Yeah. The dance.

What's the matter?

Glass slipper
doesn't fit?

Yeah. I guess so.

It's like

when you really need
someone to notice you,

they don't, you know?

But you know, kitten,

it doesn't really matter
how other people see you.

What matters is...

How you see yourself.

Thanks, Dad.

Hi.

How are you?
Why?

God... Polly.

Come on. We used
to be friends.

You never talk
to me anymore.

"Used to" is
the operative word.

Why don't I
ever see you?

Maybe I don't want to have
to make an appointment.

You're so busy now.

God, I thought
you'd be happy for me.

Delighted.

Oh, come on, Polly.
I really miss you.

Why?

You need
another dweeb

hanging on your
every precious word?

Believe it or not,
I care about you, okay?

Well, you don't
act like it.

You became
the swan,

and you left me
right in the duck pond.

Polly!
Yeah, forget it.

There's no room for me
in your new life.

Hey, Louise!

Louise, come on.
Let's start!

Louise.

Louise.

What?

I prepared you
a wholesome breakfast.

Your morning paper.

I took the liberty
of ironing your homework.

Well, thank you, Richard.

Richie's cleaned
everything up.

Even straightened out
the refrigerator shelves.

Do you think
he's on drugs?

What?

We want Louise!

We want Louise!

We want Louise!

We want Louise!

We want Louise!

Thought you might
come out this way.

Come on. Hop in.

So, it's tough being
the most popular girl, huh?

Well, I thought
it would make me happy.

And it didn't?

Well, yeah,
for a while.

And, no,
it didn't last.

I know what
you mean.

You know, sometimes I wonder
who my real friends are.

I've been
football team captain

since the sixth grade.

What happens when I go
to college next year

and I have to
start all over?

It doesn't matter.

How do you know?

Brad, you have a lot
of fine qualities

that have nothing to do
with football.

You think so?

I know so.

Louise, I want you to go
to the dance with me.

Really?

Yeah. What can I say?

You're an amazing girl,
Louise.

I've never met anyone
quite like you.

What, is that good?

Is that good?
That's great.

Look, you're not phony.

You don't play games
with people

to make them
like you more.

That's really important
to me, and...

Brad, I just...
Let me finish.

You're honest,

and I respect you
for that.

No. No.
This is a bad idea.

I can't go
to the dance wyou.

Why?

Because there's just something
you don't know about me.

I know everything
I need to know.

No, you don't.

Look, why don't you just
go to the dance with Randa?

Forget Randa.

I want to go with you.
It's only natural.

But it's not natural.

Look, there are just some things you don't understand

about all this, okay?

Look, Louise,
this is really stupid.

I can't go to the dance
with you.

Don't ask me why.
I gotta go.

Louise!

Oh, Louise.
It's gorgeous. It's perfect.

You shouldn't have.
You're an artist.

What an eye
for detail!

Serena, listen,
you've got to help me.

Look...

I sat up all night
trying to figure out

a way to reverse
the spell,

and I can't find anything
in this whole book.

What do you mean
reverse the spells?

I mean make it go back

the way it was.
I just want

everything and
everyone

to go back the way it was.

Reverse?

Now that I have all this?

Absolutely not!

Serena!

Louise, everyone loves
and listens to you, right?

Yeah.

They agree with me before
I even finish what I'm saying.

Picky, picky.

You don't know
what a luxury it is

to have people
agree with you.

I'm not happy, okay?

Who is happy?
You'll get used to it.

Believe me.

You're going to
knock 'em dead at the dance.

You want to
give that up?

I just...
I want to be me.

I mean, all this stuff
is happening,

but it just...
I don't know.

It just doesn't feel like
it's happening to me.

Let's give it a shot
for a couple of years,

and then
make a decision.

Come on, Serena.
Help me.

Please?

Come here.
Sit down.

All right.

It's lonely.

I know.

I had to make
people like me.

You never knew
how people felt?

I didn't want to
take the chance.

So I can
change it all, huh?

The real magic...

Is believing in yourself.

If you can do that,

you can make anything happen.

Thank you.

My dad got me into Stanford.
He's a Stanford man.

Yeah? I want to go
Vidal Sassoon,

but my mother's making me go
to Malcolm Junior college.

I got into SF State

and Brad's going
to visit me every weekend,

aren't you, honey?

So, did your dad
get you the car?

No. He got me a Schwinn.
Can you believe it?

It's like I'm cursed!

You know,
it could've been worse.

You could've been here with that.

I don't know.

All right, guys.

This joint's crawling
with hungry women.

Let's make our move.

♪ Gotta Bite The Bullet

♪ Inside The Tunnel Of Love

♪ Somebody's Got
A hold on me

♪ And You Know
Who I'm thinkin' of

♪ I'm Not Afraid
To show you

♪ How I Feel

♪ I'm Not Afraid To Say

♪ I've Changed

♪ So Many Things
Have happened

♪ Too Many Times ♪

♪ I Can't Help
But feelin' alive

♪ It's Gonna Be
My finest hour

♪ I'm Gonna Take
My chance tonight

♪ Don't Stop Me Now
'Cause I've got the power

♪ Just Be With Me
In my finest hour

♪ There'll Be Candlelight

♪ I See The Light

♪ And The Music Plays

♪ I Feel The Sun

♪ As We Sip Champagne

♪ Through The Night

♪ Then You Take My Hand

♪ And With His Hand

♪ And You Start To Tell Me

♪ I Love You

♪ And We Share A Kiss

♪ It'll Be All Right

♪ It's Gonna Be
My finest hour

♪ I'm Gonna Take
My chance tonight

♪ Don't Stop Me Now
'Cause I've got the power

♪ Just Be With Me
In my finest hour tonight

♪ It's Gonna Be
My finest hour

♪ I'm Gonna Take
My chance tonight

♪ Don't Stop Me Now
'Cause I've got the power

♪ Just Be With Me
In my finest hour tonight

♪ It's Gonna Be
My finest hour

♪ I'm Gonna Take
My chance tonight

♪ Don't Stop Me Now
'Cause I've got the power

♪ Just Be With Me
In my finest hour tonight

♪ Tonight

♪ I'm Gonna Take
My chance tonight

♪ It's Gonna Be
My finest hour

♪ I'm Gonna Take
My chance tonight

♪ There'll Be Candlelight

♪ Don't Stop Me Now
'Cause I've got the power...