Teddy Bear (1981) - full transcript
The main character is the manager of a sport club, nicknamed "Teddy Bear" by his friends and acquaintances. One day he is detained at the border just as his sport team is off to a ...
More, more, more...
A bit lower, lower...
That's enough!
- Lower the southern line.
- Yes, sir.
Quickly, line them up here.
There must be some life
in this housing estate.
This is Pike here,
this is Pike.
We're pulling the net.
You may start now.
THE TEDDY BEAR
Holy smoke!
What's up?
Nothing, chief.
Only his eye fell off.
Two bears, please.
The red one and this in the red cap.
Can't you see I'm eating?
Sorry to disturb you.
You're not disturbing me.
- Are the bears already packed?
- Yes.
- How many did you put inside?
- As usual.
I was going this way yesterday,
and these houses weren't here.
Oh, really?
If an old lady was crossing the street
to get to the old people's home,
and this home hadn't been here
yesterday, but it was here today,
would you run over
this poor old lady?
it could be your own mother!
How can I run over
my own mother,
if she is sitting in the car?
This is Birch here. This is Birch.
I can't hear you well.
He said that his mother
is sitting in the car.
His mother is sitting in the car,
that's what he said!
Calm down and don't panic.
He's just another sly dog.
He's driving his
mother to mix us up.
This shows that life
always has new challenges for us.
This is the first.
Secondly, we must always have
different options ready.
That's why I suggest
the following option:
"What if there was
a kindergarten here in the future?"
What if there was
a kindergarten here in the future...
And your kid would be
crossing the street...
in the future...
What if suddenly there was
a kindergarten here!
And your kid would be crossing
the street here... in the future...
The kid who you
don't have yet,
so don't tell me
he's sitting in the car!
You are going to the capital
of a capitalist country.
This country may
have its advantages.
The point is, however,
that the advantages shouldn't blind you
to the disadvantages.
Now like always: gentleman
on the right, ladies on the left.
So crowded here!
So, what is a built-up area?
A built-up area consists of minimum
3 buildings
standing not more than 15 meters
from one another.
This is all true
what you're saying.
But it's only 14 meters here.
You can measure it yourself
if you don't
believe the militia.
But he believes in
everything, officer!
He is a real schmuck.
There should be
three, not two.
Unless this one over there
we should call a house, too.
115 kilos?
There should be 119.
- There are 4 kilos missing.
- I've lost 4 kilos.
So you are bringing 4 kilos
of the citizen less.
What if everybody was returning
a few kilos slimmer?
- There would be fewer and fewer of us!
- Of the Poles.
So what should I do?
60 zloty for each missing kilo.
Do you have any education?
- University education.
- 75 zloty per kilo then.
Each kilo of a university educated
citizen - a special value for the nation.
Here are the passports.
- Citizen Ryszard Ochucki?
- That's me.
Follow me, please.
What is...?
Who did it?
- I...
- You?
I am asking "who"?
- I'm asking!
- But I...
What's this?
A passport.
A passport?
It used to be a passport!
Bring me my suitcase!
You are going without me.
Coach, now you are responsible
for everything.
- What happened?
- Nothing. All's fine.
Call the Cabinet
and tell them I'm coming.
He's been refused
to leave the country?
They want him to be a minister.
They called yesterday.
- How do you know?
- Because I answered the phone.
He wasn't here.
They were probably talking him
into becoming a minister.
It would be foolish of him
to become a minister.
Is this a bad place for him here?
Where would he be better off?
For Marciniak he
took the money, too.
But Marciniak complained
that he ripped him off.
He didn't rip him off,
because Marciniak.
He got 300,000 zloty and an apartment.
He deserves nothing more.
The president still
owes me 500 zloty!
Don't you think he doesn't owe us
for this glass he broke the other day?
I tell him that a glass costs 4 zloty,
and he says: "OK, OK".
And he hasn't paid till today!
- Bear!
- He's a pig, not a bear!
He doesn't have 500 zloty for me
but he wipes his ass with $100 bills!
I just wanted to say
that our president...
keeps the books... very well.
If it happens that...
for example... he owes somebody
some money... he gives it back right away.
He never owes me any money.
He really looks after these things.
He runs the club very well...
Good morning, honey.
I've popped in just
to pick up my furniture.
- I hope I'm not disturbing you.
- No...
Let me show you...
- Anything to drink?
- No, thanks.
But I'd love something,
if you don't mind.
C'mon! Gentlemen, be careful!
Just the two of
us won't move it.
But... there are three of you.
You remember
Wladek, don't you?
I'm really sorry.
Really sorry.
Please, mister
minister, have a sit.
Cut it out with this minister.
If belongs to the past.
- What's your name?
- Rysio... Ryszard.
All Ryszards are good guys!
Shame you two broke up.
But, on the other hand...
This Picasso...
This Rembrandt...
- And this Buddha.
- Hold on, hold on! What Buddha?
This Picasso I'd
like in our bedroom,
and the Buddha we'd
put in your office.
- But wait a minute.
- I really like you, man.
You must pay us a visit one day.
But give us a call before.
Just to make sure
you'll find us at home.
Oh, this is also very nice!
How did you know
I would be home?
You knew I was
supposed to go abroad.
We were passing by
and we just popped in.
You were passing by
with the porters?
Yes... We were passing by with
the porters. I really like you, man.
- The gentleman is saying that...
- That we can use our account together.
I am asking "who"!
I'm asking!
What is this?
Mister, mister!
I'd like to withdraw all the money
from our account.
Certainly.
"Hey, one day the sadness
will overcome the fear."
"Maybe in thirty years,
on this sand there will be a long,"
"straight and as wide as
the sea - Trasa Lazienkowska".
I don't get it.
Why "maybe"?
Well... it's "maybe" because
he doesn't know about it yet.
What do you mean
he doesn't know?
Picture this...
He's a young man,
still a boy, OK?
On the banks of the Vistula...
His friends are working there, too.
- You can see it now, can't you?
- Now I can.
And he begins to see it, too.
I mean this Trasa
Lazienkowska.
He can see it in his
dreams, my friend.
Here I would start
from G sharp.
From G sharp?
And instead of "maybe"
we'll have "surely". Ready?
# Hey, one day the sadness #
# will overcome the fear. #
# Surely in thirty years, #
# on this sand there will be a long, #
# straight and as wide as #
# the sea - Trasa Lazienkowska! #
- Excellent!
- You've done very well!
For you guys,
I always do my best!
You see?
- I told you.
- You convinced me. Hold it, please.
Come in.
Hope, I'm not disturbing you.
Hi, Rysiu.
What's up?
- I already thought you wouldn't come.
- Why wouldn't I?
I couldn't get off
at the Central station.
What to do?
What can we do!
A year. At least a year.
It's a problem...
That's right.
It's...
...a year.
Women are terrible after all.
She just tore it out...
- But what could we do for him?
- Nothing.
But you know what?
I've got an idea!
Listen!
In order to keep
you close to me,
I don't have to tear out any leaves
from your passport.
# In order to keep #
# you close to me. #
# I don't have to tear out any leaves #
# from your passport! #
You heard it yourself?
He said his aunt
would came from London
- and she would bring the money.
- He was lying.
He also lied in this passport
application you saw at his place.
He wrote he has no
relatives abroad.
But he has an aunt in London,
and this is abroad.
He's got money on the account
in London and not an aunt.
He tells me to call him and I have to
listen to this crap he's talking.
Every time he's surprised
that this aunt calls him.
This is all bullshit,
I'm telling you.
This man didn't say a word
of truth in his life.
And what's this?! You said it would
take you three days to take it apart.
It will be taken apart.
Once we've finished our breakfast.
You should eat your breakfast at home.
The scenery must be done fast!
- And who's this?
- The production manager.
He's showing off,
because he's with a woman.
Drink up, and let's get down
to business.
This is our star.
Ola, please, introduce yourself.
- I'm Alexandra Kozak.
- Ryszard Ochucki.
Pleased to meet you.
What's up, Rysiu?
All right.
Ola, please go and see
what's for dinner in the canteen.
- She's a very good girl.
- Oh, I'm sorry!
I'd really like her to become somebody.
What brings you here?
Janek, you know very well how it was.
There was a war.
Five years of war,
five years of occupation.
I've made 28 films about it,
and now I'm making the 29th.
So you know from the films,
how it was. It was hard.
And before the war?
During the "sanacja" regime?
I've made 18 films about it.
Who is this brother?
- Where is he?
- Nowhere.
He exists only for my aunt.
She's 79, very rich, lives in London.
Is that enough for you?
My parents sent her a picture.
A bit exaggerated, though.
There were two of
me in this picture,
to convince her
that my parents had twins.
She sent 100 pounds
for the both of us.
It doesn't make any
difference to her.
But to us...
I think I don't have to tell you this.
It was a hard time for us.
- My father...
- Stop it or I'll go nuts.
It was hard in 18 films.
What do you want from me?
My aunt is coming to
Poland in a week.
It's her first time
after 50 years.
She must see two twin brothers
and that's why I'm here.
Janek, all she will bring
for my brother is yours, OK?
How do I know how much
she's going to bring for your brother?
Janek, have I ever
cheated you?
Let's say you would have
a small part in my film.
Then you'd get sick.
This would give us the reason
to look for your double.
So, what do you say?
Take 5 zloty for the telephone.
I don't want to hear again
that you didn't call me
because you ran out of money.
Ok. I'm going to talk to you?
First a lady will answer the phone,
when I come you will start...
- As usual?
- Yes, as usual.
Just don't be late, as usual.
Call me after the 3rd change of lights.
- Don't lose this paper. Get lost!
- I'll do my best.
He's coming again. It's his bladder.
I know how it hurts.
No. I just wanna avoid
having to piss later.
Today I have to stand
at this damn phone booth again.
This is the some phone booth
that we used to have in the club.
And people could make calls.
And this pig took it
and put it in front of his house.
Who are you going to be today?
His aunt again?
I guess so.
I will be calling from London.
OUT OF ORDER
- Do you want anything to eat, honey?
- Yes. You!
You know?
I don't know how it's possible...
but I love you very much.
What do you mean?
I don't know...
- I just love you.
- I understand...
This phone is out of order.
There was even a sign
but a hooligan took it off.
You always put on the pink light
when you kiss me.
- Why?
- Just for the atmosphere.
For example, when I think
I put on the blue one.
Don't you like me
anymore, honey?
What I don't like most is doing
business with assholes!
What assholes?
Take it. I'm out.
There's an international call
for you from London.
Don't hang up!
It's for you, honey!
From London!
From London?
Find a cigarette for me.
Hello?
I'm very sorry to
call you so late.
But the booth was out of order
and I had to look for another telephone.
I'm calling from
the drugstore.
Now I'm going to count
as you told me to.
One, two, three, four...
Hello Roman, how are you?
It's Polanski.
What? To London?
Eighty two, eighty three,
eighty four...
- Excuse me.
- What?!
I've already counted. There are
121 people standing in the line.
Wait, wait, wait!
I'll write it down.
88, 89, 121, 121.
OK, all right!
Ok, I'll see you soon.
Was it this Polanski?
The film director?
They all must have gone mad!
They want me be like Mel Gibson.
Janek persuaded me to play in the film,
Roman wants me in London...
And I'm not good for that.
They must be mad!
He also wants me to find him
an actress...
- What actress?
- A partner for me in the film.
I'm going to be a Pole
with a Polish wife in London...
I must ask Janek to help me.
He's an expert when it comes to actresses.
Honey! You can't do it, honey!
You know how jealous he is.
He wouldn't let me go with you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Very much, you know?
You should have
left one for us.
What for?
Shove it in.
- Is the hare ready?
- Ready!
What's this?
The huntsmen.
The children from the living
quarters for the hunt.
- It's a good idea.
- Yes, it's a good idea.
Give them some pants,
take their shoes off and shave them.
I agreed to be a forester
with a moustache.
I won't let you
shave my beard.
I've had it since
before the war.
We'll put some rags
around the children's.
There were no dentists in those days.
This is the best!
And what's this?
It's mister
Hoffander's friend.
- Our suggestion for the squire.
- I'm Ochucki.
- What is he wearing?
- It can be taken off.
It's a very good idea.
Why is he wearing
the Prussian uniform?
Because he's the
Prussian squire.
It's written in the screenplay:
the Prussian squire comes in.
It's Prussian, because his name
is Prussian! Wawrzyniec Prussian!
The Polish squire.
I can put something
around here.
Take it off!
It's a disgrace!
It's a political calumny
for the whole crew!
Calm down! He's the
"sanacja" regime squire.
Remember who they were friends
with in those days.
- Huntsmen ready?
- Ready!
- Hare ready?
- Ready!
- Camera.
- Go!
The Last Hot Dog of Count
Barry Kent 701.
- And what now?
- We'll have to repeat.
Repeat what, you schmuck?!
It's a cat!
It'll always climb the tree!
We could cut the tree down.
This is my idea.
Here only I can have ideas!
We can look at everything
in a completely different way.
There is the truth of the times
we are talking about,
and the truth of the screen,
which says:
a proto-Slavic pear tree is a shelter
for a plebeian runaway.
Get me a hare on
the pear tree!
No, wait! Get me a dog!
I want him to bark at his
persecutors from the manor-house.
I don't want him to meow!
Can I have some birch water?
- The usual papers, please.
- Sure.
Pork loin.
300. I'll have a speleological guide
the day after tomorrow.
- Speleo... guide? What's this?
- Liver.
- Thank you, bye.
- Bye.
You will stay as a witness.
Put her here.
The door!
- Are you the shop assistant here?
- Why?
You sold this shampoo,
didn't you?
- I asked you a question!
- I'm not the Holy Spirit.
How dare you!
A regenerative shampoo!
The mother.
30 years of marriage.
My wife.
That's all I have left!
Only this!
- This is what I have left!
- Calm down, Kaziu.
Get out of here!
All of you!
You can't throw hair about here!
It's not a unisex hair salon!
It's a kiosk!
I've got meat here!
Do you have everything?
Yes, but I don't
know if it's OK,
because you gave me the form
for the official passport.
Why should you pay for the ticket
and the passport yourself?
You will go with the official passport
as the competitor of the "Rainbow" club.
Such a passport allows you to fly
wherever you wish.
Do you always carry
your passport with you?
Show me how you look
in the picture.
Like this.
Oh, honey!
You signed all the pictures.
Good. Now I only need your ID.
- There you are.
- Good.
Two coffees and two cakes.
Anything else?
- Why two coffees and two cakes?
- A coffee and a cake are obligatory
for everybody. We're competing
for "The Gold Frying pan".
We'll have the obligatory
set twice then.
The cloakroom is also
mandatory here.
Have I lost them again?
No, here they are.
Now listen. Here you have written
what is in my jacket:
ID, a questionnaire,
and so on.
It's ticket number 10.
I'll write it down for you.
Can you add some water here?
I'm dead tired today,
I'm telling you.
Can you take this lipstick
off the glass?
The customer might kick up
a fuss again.
We should let in
only customers in ties.
They don't kick up
a fuss so often.
- But this is my ticket.
- Don't be so picky!
- Take this coat.
- But it's not my coat!
Your ticket is empty, so he gave you
another coat. Is that clear?
But I had there my passport,
this lady's ID and...
Because you collected
your coat!
You said: I had there
my passport, ID...
You paid 20 zloty for
the lost ticket.
And I want the coat
for this particular ticket.
Don't you shout at our employee!
I'm the manager of this cloakroom!
We don't have your coat,
and what are going to do to us?
It's all written here.
Take it and read it!
The cloakroom manager isn't
responsible for the lost items!
Why didn't you
call the police?
Because I can get to them,
before they can get to me.
Wait here for me.
I'll be back in a minute.
- What about me?
- My jacket got stolen and not yours.
Next door!
Don't you know
the regulations?
Yes, you're right.
If a man wants to piss,
he forgets about the regulations.
That's true.
How much longer?
15 years, but I'm
going to appeal.
Did you do it?
I did what I could.
Honey, look!
Look!
Look. They sent it back.
What?
I think they stole it again.
- But what?
- Here it is!
My ID.
Great!
Maybe they sent my
passport back, too?
Oh, honey! Let's go and check!
- There's a letter.
- Really? Open it.
Here it is. Look how
honest they are.
I know some more
honest people.
It's crazy.
Why did they send you the cover?
Probably because the thief
had a better one.
But he didn't have a passport,
so he'll use mine to go somewhere.
- The police will catch him.
- They will, but in a year or even later.
Roman, I'm not coming.
Love, Ryszard.
I'm really sorry,
but not only because of myself.
I wanted you to play
in Roman's film.
Honey, you are so clever!
Do something!
I can't send this telegram.
There isn't such
a city - London.
- There is Ladek, Ladek Zdroj...
- It's London! The city in England.
- And why didn't you tell me this?
- I'm telling you now.
But I have to go and see
where this damn city is.
They stole your passport.
Why don't you steal somebody's
passport now? I will steal it!
"The Last Hot Dog of Count Barry Kent".
The Office.
- Where's my tea?
- On the desk.
Thank you.
Here's the sick leave for you.
- Thank you very much.
- What for?
Our actor, mister Ryszard Ochucki,
got sick. He's got the leave for 3 weeks.
Can you put the ad in the papers
that we're looking for his double?
- What's wrong with him?
- Never mind. He's in bed.
Oh, God!
Take this. Put the ad with this picture
in the papers. Write that it's urgent.
- But I'm about to have my soup poured.
- The cab's waiting. The artist's sick.
I didn't eat when I was your age.
There you go.
What are you waiting for? Go!
Are you the driver in "The Last
Hot Dog of Count Barry Kent"?
- Yes, and so what?
- So we're going.
First to Victoria Hotel.
Wait for me here.
I must eat something!
- Mashed potatoes with lard, please.
- There's no lard.
- We serve potatoes with jam.
- Ok, I'll take it.
Miss, can you come up?
- In a minute!
- Please, came back.
Buckwheat porridge.
Number 78, seat 13, table 3.
Why are you fumbling with it?
Just don't turn the plate.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You're very welcome.
- What's your number?
- 78.
I have 74, but I
was in the john.
Asshole!
Terrible brutes come here
from all over the world.
The porridge isn't
cooked well...
Now let's go to the editor's
office to put the ad.
- Excuse me, what are you waiting for?
- For "The Last Hot Dog".
There won't be anything left
for me anyway.
Why are you here?
Because we look so alike.
All our friends from the office
say that!
Thank you very much.
We'll call you later.
- They weren't good.
- We need only men.
Yes, only men.
Men only! Come in, please.
Take him away!
- He doesn't want to see you.
- But why? I only...
Get out of here!
Out! Out! Finished!
Send them all to hell!
Pay them half of
the daily wage!
Tell them to go to hell!
Perfect doubles, God Damnit!
Why did I get into it? Hell!
So?
Are you mad?
You're supposed to be sick!
You are sick! Seriously sick!
This day cost me 50,000 zloty.
Do you want to
serve time with me?
If you're bored, go pick
some mushrooms!
That burns me up!
Yes, this is a very good idea!
Go pick mushrooms.
Ryszard, I'm sorry I shouted at you.
Sorry for these mushrooms.
You must understand that
you can't leave your home.
Listen.
What mushrooms
is he sorry for?
But I am at home.
Very good!
Bring me this guy that was here
a moment ago.
Yes, sir.
Krysia, we need this guy
who was here.
He left.
We need him.
Call this guy who was here!
Make it fast!
I'm going to end up
in the madhouse!
He's here, sir.
Bring him in!
- What can he know?
- Everything.
He can do everything.
He put the ad to find me
and he warned me:
Go pick mushrooms, otherwise I'll go
to jail and you'll go to jail.
Where do we get the mushrooms
from at this time? Do you know him?
Never seen him before.
He looks like nobody I know.
But what does he mean?
These 4 tons on Tuesday?
And what about these
12 tons last week?
And these 8 tons of coke?
- And this timber?
- True. The timber, too.
Let's go pick mushrooms!
We'll get some wine.
My daughter was born,
- so we can drink.
- Another one?
I mean the one that
was born 4 years ago.
A child as any other,
but we can drink, can't we?
You mean she has a name?
Usually we call her Mary,
but we want to give her
a more modern name.
I know one name
suitable for a girl.
What name?
Tradition.
You're a bunch of
spongers and idiots!
You don't even want
to move your ass!
I rack my brains, spend my money
to put the ad to attract
as many people as possible.
Here he comes:
the double we need for our film.
And you let this double go!
- Apparently he came as one of many.
- How many people turned up?
Give me the register.
886 people.
Skip the women,
check all the rest.
You mean we should
go to their houses?
- Yes, and don't fool around with me!
- It'll take all night.
I'll spend 2 nights looking for him,
but I'll find him!
I want him in the morning!
And you?
Come, come. And who's gonna
turn up the taxi meter?
Hello? Good morning!
Keep quiet for a while, please,
as ADM is calling me.
Yes, madam.
What can I do for you?
But...
Madam, I understand it.
I know you are cold.
But it's winter now.
Madam, this is the law
of nature.
Have I fired it up?
Madam, I fire it up all the time.
All day and all night long.
You're welcome.
Have a good day.
Good day.
- Two.
- One. I'm driving.
So, are we drinking
or just looking at each other?
Sign it here.
Put tomorrow's date.
- OK.
- Let me see.
We the undersigned, after having
checked 538 males, during 14 hours,
and after having done 728 km,
indicated by the taximeter,
still haven't found the person
from the picture.
Good.
Sign it.
- From what picture?
- Do you know this guy?
- No.
- So you signed the truth.
- Grandma, I will be Herod.
- You're too young to be Herod.
- Wasn't Herod ever young?
- No.
Children, pick up your toys.
Ala, get the bucket.
- What bucket?
- The one for coal.
Take also the pig's
feeding trough!
Hurry, children!
Where's your father?
He's sleeping, drunk.
Good.
Hey, you!
Wake up!
Get up, get the axe.
They brought the coal!
There's coal in the village!
There'll be a war.
There was coal before the war, too.
NO ADMITTANCE!
EXPERIMENTAL PLANTATION.
I still can't get it.
They gave us a full cart of young pines
for 2 tons of coal.
Maybe they needed this coal?
- What for?
- To light a fire in the stove.
Can't they use the pines?
The peasants are so stupid!
But those from the film
know how to do business!
- I told you.
- Why did he stop?
What do you want?
The poor creature feels you want to
cheat it. It behaves like we do.
- She didn't drink all day.
- Stop it.
- What do you want?
- OK, OK. I'll give her.
There you go. Your turn now.
Drink to the last drop!
Smell it!
The horse's drunk, isn't he?
He? It's a she.
She had only a small beer.
She's going on a rehab on Monday.
They'll treat her and she'll be fine.
I wouldn't lie to the militia.
Your horse is not only drunk
but dirty, too.
This is true.
She's a bit slut...
Doesn't always wash after work.
You are absolutely right.
What do you think
I can tell you now?
That you suggest
a 100 zloty fine.
You say a hundred - OK.
And I say another hundred.
That makes 2 hundred.
And what about a young pine?
One goes for 230 zloty
so you'll save 30 zloty.
- They are nice.
- Let me see.
So?
Too expensive.
Thank God he didn't ask
where we got these pines from...
Hey, you!
Wait up!
Wait, wait a minute.
Give me one more,
for my brother.
Wait a second!
What do you mean "Give me"?
Just like this? For free?
lt costs!
OK, I'll be back in a minute.
Come with me, Robby.
Dear Mr. director!
I saw you in all the films:
those Polish.
Just don't give a cent to
this scoundrel, better send all to me,
because he ran away to this bitch,
my sister, and this is his child.
In the court he said
that he was serving time,
but I visited him twice in jail,
so this must be his child!
Robby, tell Mr. director.
Tell him who this is!
- It's daddy.
- Daddy!
It's his daddy!
We're looking for Mr. Paluch.
Yes?
Are you Mr. Paluch?
Yes, and who's asking?
Do you have a
brother, Mr. Paluch?
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Zdzislaw Dyrman.
Most of the time.
This is Mr. Hoffa...
Chrostowicz.
- Sit down, gentlemen.
- We're looking for Mr. Paluch.
Mr. Stanislaw Paluch.
Zofia!
Where's Stach?
Stach, the militia
came for you.
Gentlemen, let me
introduce my wife.
Zofia.
Here's the money
for those young pines.
You live as in one big family
here on the set.
The truth of the
times, the truth...
The movie shows the painful truth about
the "sanacja" regime reality, right?
Barking dogs and poping champagne corks
won't be able to drown the coming tempest.
- That's right!
- They won't be able!
We're trying to render
this atmosphere.
We fully trust the director
and each other, too.
I don't mean to
be controversial.
This is a young
actor, amateur.
Mr. Staszek!
Come here, Mr. Staszek.
First time in the movie.
We can take example by him.
Thanking him, I symbolically
thank the whole crew.
Thank you very much.
I looked for him for 4 days.
I didn't eat and sleep. But he's perfect!
Our co-operation here is based
on mutual trust.
Attention! Dress rehearsal!
Go!
You're sad, the hunt wasn't successful,
the hares ran away.
Now the lady of the manor.
You're crying, crying, crying...
Now you come near him crying.
That's right!
Now the horses!
Horses, droop your heads!
Can the horses hear me?
Now we all come near the bonfire.
Shoot the pot now! Got it?
Now the cook!
More vapour, you idiot!
Now you take out the hot dogs.
lThe hot dogs!
The disappearance of the hot dogs
caused a huge confusion.
That's true.
However, the whole
affair is transparent!
We know very well
what's behind it.
That's why the hot dogs'
disappearance...
...will only close our ranks!
Amazing!
Where do you get
this coal from?
Usually from
Wegorzewska Street.
That's impressive.
But aren't you
afraid to cart it?
I am, but usually I try to have
a document for this coal.
Your hair is very nice.
Maybe. I can't see it.
That's why we have
to say absolutely...
No! To the secret
hot dog-eaters!
The youth brigade decided to guard
the newly-bought hot dogs
in order to celebrate the anniversary
of establishing our company.
- The 31st anniversary!
- That's right!
- You should've mentioned the mustard.
- I have the mustard.
Let me see.
What a chick!
She's from this movie?
A real chick.
They are the worst!
Give me that!
Or I'll hit you!
OK, OK!
Take it!
Relax, are you going to fight
because of a woman?
You're worse than children!
I'll tell you that a child named
Tradition was born recently in Gdansk.
Read this.
"After the wedding ceremony,
the newly-married couple went"
"to the works committee office
and they got some flowers there."
"They were all moved by the fact
that they witnessed the birth"
"of a new secular tradition."
You mean she was born
in the office?
It's written there, ain't it?
- So?
- Who was that?
It was Stach, your double.
This hairy monkey is
supposed to be me?
I had nothing to do,
so I came a bit earlier.
Come in, come in.
I'm sorry, I'm so...
Thanks, they're so nice. These are
my favourite flowers, you know?
- This is also for you...
- Thanks.
Make yourself at home.
I'm not ready yet.
You came so early.
- Stach?
- What?
There are my pictures on the table.
You can have a look.
I'm terribly sorry, but could you
help me clean out the tube?
You are so strong!
What have you done, honey?
Luckily, it was only shampoo,
and you had a chance to wash your hair.
- We're going to the theatre.
- The theatre? What for?
Because I work at the theatre.
You see?
This is what ham looks like.
Not only with the satire and the song
did our people fight with the invader.
And when the ammunition
was finished...
And when the ammunition was finished,
the best consolation were again
the words of a simple
soldier's song.
Let's hear it.
Could you move a bit?
I can't see anything.
Get some glasses, then!
- Why are you bending over me?
- Sorry.
Can you come here, Zofia?
- What?
- Look!
I know what it is.
I had been working for 20 years
in another theatre.
One critic wrote that
during one performance at this theatre,
he tore all his hair out.
- Do you think it was him again?
- No, it wasn't him.
That one has no hair left.
You look like an American!
Are you Kojak now?
- It's because of this movie?
- No, the theatre.
Goddammit!
I would never go to the theatre!
Here's the summary
of the previous parts.
Lech Rys, the police officer,
discreetly looks after a group
of young delinquents,
trying to change their ways.
Thanks to his right advice,
they nickname him Uncle "Good Advice".
Here's the new hard nut to crack
for our officer: Tommy swears.
The title of the next part is:
"The butterfly's
leg of Tommy Mazur".
So much snow, butterfly's leg!
Been waiting for the bus
for 15 minutes, duck's feather!
I can't believe it! How can you use
all these ugly words?
And what should I say?
My feet got cold!
Butterfly's leg!
As you can see,
the climate is always against us,
but it doesn't mean that we should
use bad words. Right?
We tell him this, too.
I'll give you a
piece of good advice:
Next time, when they cut off
the hot water,
or the public transport won't work
and your friend will start swearing,
- you know what you should do?
- What?
You should pretend that you can't hear
what he's saying.
- Hurray!
- This is an excellent piece of advice!
I can see his face!
It's a very good
piece of advice, uncle.
Give me a piece
of advice, uncle!
It's simple.
The money from The Bank of London
can be withdrawn
only by Ryszard Ochucki
or Irena Ochucki.
Marry quickly
a woman called Irena
and you'll have Irena Ochucki.
Irena Ochucki...
Sweetie?
Now your Irena...
...will kiss your eyes.
The right eye...
Now the left one...
I'll go. Now I have the right
to open the door.
Amazing!
Is this really
your new haircut?
It's really great, honey!
You'll have to do it again.
I know! You'll have the some
haircut at our wedding.
What wedding?
You asked me to marry you
only an hour ago.
Didn't you get the joke?
- It was a joke?
- What else could it be?
You behaved like a moron.
Couldn't you leave
him some hair?
How could I?
If I am a moron, you are...
You are a genius.
Doesn't matter, he's a schmuck.
How do you manage him, anyway?
I'm doing fine.
Why shouldn't I?
I'm only asking.
You're so silly!
Did you think that
I sleep with him?
Oh, baby!
So what do you do?
I told him yes...
but not before we
get to London.
You liar!
I didn't lie to him!
He's not going to London
with me after all.
Because who's going to London
with me? Who?
So what do you usually do?
We talk.
By the way!
What does tradition mean?
He keeps asking about it.
He says it's a girl.
Idiot!
Tradition means...
...something extra.
Extradition!
No, this is when a gangster
hijacks a plane.
Then, because of this tradition,
we can tell him to return it.
It's an old tradition. Started with
the beginning of the aviation.
Extradition.
For example, if somebody stole
our cart, but was caught,
they have to give us a plane.
Do you get it?
It's the tradition.
- It means they have to give us back.
- A plane?
- Yeah!
- What the heck do we need a plane for?
- What about our cart?
- The cart, too!
Good morning, president.
- Please, come in.
- Thank you.
- And what about me?
- He had a reservation.
Today you will
shave my hair off completely.
- Completely?
- Yes, I made a bet.
Yes, I know.
You can't smoke here!
Take a good look at it.
You know, there will be TV, too.
Would you be able to hook it
to the helicopter?
I'm the artistic director here.
I want it.
No problem.
We can hook it.
Recently I put up 3 houses for
the militia. They were very grateful.
OK. We have to discuss it with
the president of the building committee.
- Come with me.
- OK, OK.
This gentleman is willing to settle
the whole thing.
He has a helicopter...
I mean he can have it anytime.
I only need to know about it
an hour in advance.
His price is competitive too.
He'll do everything for 30 thousand,
while the others
take 55 per hour.
I've got your phone number,
I will call you or you will call me,
or maybe you will come.
It's up to you.
Why should we pay three times more
if we have this guy here?
Let him make some money, too.
I've already taken care of the straw.
We can put it inside - costs nothing.
I'll also have the tapes,
so we can make a short movie.
It'll also cost nothing.
This way, we've saved
some 180,000 or 200,000 zloty.
- What else?
- That's all.
One more thing. The People's Museum
in Olsztyn will buy the bear.
We'll have another 150,000.
What do you say?
You are risking being caught
by an inspector for these stupid
savings of 100,000 or 200,000?
Hammer it into
your stupid head:
the money must come from legal
and not illegal sources!
This guy of yours can fly his
helicopter.
We are going to hire a helicopter
for 10 hours at the standard price.
But it'll cost several
hundred thousand!
We'll pay!
The movie will be shot
by professionals.
I have some invoices
- we'll pay.
And we won't sell the bear
to any museum!
Does it mean you don't want
to make any money?
Why do we need this bear?
Tell me!
- Good question? Why?
- That's it!
Nobody knows. So you don't have to be
afraid of being asked about it!
You know what its role is?
It satisfies the whole society's needs.
This bear meets our standards.
Do you realize what it can do?
It can open the eyes of the skeptics.
We can say:
"Look, it's ours, produced in."
Nobody will be able to find fault
with it, because it's the public bear.
And then in the autumn,
it will rot in the open air.
- What shall we do then?
- The certificate of destruction.
Real money can only be made
on expensive, short-term investments.
No, no, no!
You can't afford it!
You must be
careful with money.
Don't be such a demagogue.
If you play dirty games,
it's all right!
If I suggest something,
all I get from you is a lecture.
Dirty games? Me?
Just mention one and I'll let you
drink a bottle of cognac.
And who's responsible for this
dirty business with your fake brother?
- It all cost me 300,000 zloty.
- You?
Money is money!
Several hundred thousand zloty
for several hundred dollars,
provided she'll do the handsome thing.
Is this OK in your opinion?
Let's not confuse
these two currencies.
We're not Pewexes. As consultants,
we get 20% of its overall cost.
The more expensive the bear is,
the more...
- Cognac?
- A double one.
I can afford it.
Do you have a big pot?
I have real hot dogs.
Made of veal in
sheep's bowels.
In sheep's bowels?
They must be from an expensive shop.
No, they are from the movie.
Smell them.
Sometimes it's painful to see
how our president Richard Ochucki
overworks for our beloved club
"The Rainbow".
He works without a break.
He looks after everything.
And some evil people dare plot
against him. They're devils!
It was Waclaw Jarzabek speaking,
the coach of the second grade.
Long live our president!
It's me, Waclaw
Jarzabek, again.
I wasn't here last week, I was sick.
I have the sick leave.
Long live the president of our club!
Long live the president!
It was Waclaw
Jarzabek singing.
Close the door after me!
What's wrong with you?
Right after you left, a guy came in
and started talking to the wardrobe.
Then he sang a
song to honor you.
- A song?
- You should've heard this shit...
- It was Jarzabek. He's a good coach.
- Was it recorded?
Not only this.
The conditions at the training camps
were very good thanks to our president.
And it's not true that the roof over
the beds was leaking.
The president is
like father to us...
- What's this for?
- Do you want see some from
the previous years?
- Don't they know you record it?
- Sure they know. I told them.
If somebody wants to criticize me,
my work or complain about something,
and I'm not here to listen to them,
they can come here and record it.
But they can flatter you,
lie to you, change the facts...
Why should they do it?
We have the same objective:
the good of our club.
Honesty is the most
important to us!
Hello, sir.
That door.
Hello, Richard.
You know how I like you, my friend.
I've had an asthma attack
since the morning
and I have to drink
this wretched stuff.
- I brought something like this.
- It's for my grandson.
He likes sports so much that I want
to give him this to encourage him.
Oh, it's already 5:30. I must have
my blood pressure taken again.
Get in. You're coming with me.
Press number 30, over there.
I wasn't quite sure what kind of sport
he does, so I...
I had them put a
more general sign...
He does nothing. This is meant
to encourage him. What did you put?
I put: "To Marek Zlotnicki,
the 1st place winner!"
I really like you, Ryszard.
Listen, when you were
getting married to Irena,
there were some swords
over your heads, remember?
I'd like to have the
some swords, too.
We're getting
married next Tuesday.
I understand.
Next Tuesday.
And then, of course,
the honeymoon?
Not yet. I think we'll put it off
until winter.
You know, I've
been everywhere.
I don't feel like travelling anymore.
Irena, just the opposite.
Recently she brought herself
a beautiful fur coat from Leningrad.
- What's today?
- Tuesday.
So on Friday she's
going to London.
She wants to buy something...
You know very well
what women are like...
I've just remembered.
There's a letter to Irena from abroad.
It came to her old address,
and I think it's from London.
From London?
Where is it?
At home, or at the club.
Let's go there, then!
There's no need for you to go there,
mister minister.
I will bring it myself.
I'll be back in a minute!
It's for you.
Quiet! He's not a stranger!
I should have the new animal
collections in two days.
- Now I have only these French stamps.
- No, I meant the English ones.
I don't have anything particular
at the moment.
You have some stamped
envelopes here.
I'll tell you how it was
with these pipes.
In winter the windows fell out.
2 at our place, 2 on the sixth floor,
and 2 on the seventh floor.
On the seventh only one!
TRANSLATOR
Pardon... Ich keine...
I speak Polish.
I'm so sorry.
I thought it was my son-in-law
with his French friend.
They are supposed to come here
from Zoliborz to take a bath.
There's no water there.
I would like you to write
this in English.
- Here, on this piece of paper, OK?
- Yes, of course.
The text is as follows.
Irena, my beloved goddess.
Every night I dream
of your beautiful body...
Your beautiful body...
The elevators
start working at 8.
- But I want to take this elevator.
- This one is upstairs.
He should be sleeping now.
- Somebody came to see you.
- Show him in.
- Sorry it took so long.
- That's OK. Have you got this letter?
Thank you very much.
Janek, can you take
my friend downstairs.
Why should he tire
himself going down?
It's a very simple text.
I'll translate it for you.
Excuse me.
I'll be back in a second.
I thought you wouldn't come,
because you already had water.
- Who are you going to be?
- Don't know yet.
This one. I came back
from Geneva yesterday.
There you are.
Hello?
I'm calling from...
Yes, yes.
Yes, yes.
Mr Paluch. Yes, I wrote
everything down, of course.
Miss Krystyna!
And Miss Alexandra Kozel.
Certainly...
Very good.
What's new in your
private life?
I understand...
Congratulations!
It's a matter of urgency.
Take care of it immediately!
I traverse lands and seas,
the whole globe
with an open heart.
I have the Polish
passport with me.
Where from?
Where is it from?
It's from the pride and the hardship
of everyday work.
It's from the
steel and the iron,
it's from the coal,
which is the coke.
Get dressed!
- When are we going and how?
- By plane. Want something to drink?
Why not!
How about some whisky?
The British drink it.
OK, I'll try it.
Go on, drink.
The British drink it all the time.
So I need another glass, then.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thanks.
They delivered herrings
to the shops in Grochow.
Let's see how much you have
on the meter...
Basically, you must know
how much you have and where.
It used to be like that,
but now we've got a computer.
You can input whatever you want.
It doesn't matter!
A computer?
It always gets it wrong
when it does the math.
Every time, with no exception.
It means that you don't have to be
a professional these days.
Not anymore.
It's much easier now!
Excuse me, I need to
go to the toilet.
Sure.
Mister, mister!
Can you see a computer?
This English vodka!
I'll get it.
No, thanks.
We already have one.
Mister, mister!
It was a guy with a mirror.
I said we already have one.
Take care of him.
I'll be back in a mintue.
Hey, you! Computer!
Tell your coal merchant to get rid
of this collector.
Or maybe ask the caretaker.
Put him to sleep.
- Who? The caretaker?
- No, the coal merchant.
Mister, mister!
Can you come to my apartament
to carry out the collector?
Sure.
The Municipal Transport
Service implementing the slogan:
"To The People of Good Work -
Entertainment and Humor",
in connection with
the transport damage,
to The Square at the Square.
The trams have been at a standstill
for an hour. Some men have already got
into my basement for a piss
and he went to carry out the collector!
Such a damage is a good opportunity
to present our passangers,
who are the people
of "Good Work",
a performance until the damage
has been removed.
Excuse me, where did
you get this tea?
My daughter sent
me from Lomza.
Hi, hi. Hello!
You're asking where I'm from?
I'm Jolly Romek.
I have a house in the suburbs.
And in the house I have water,
energy, gas...
Don't worry!
They will cut it off!
He is sleeping!
Sleeping like a log!
So what? I'm sleeping,
because I'm sleepy. Logical.
- And?
- OK.
Give me your passport now.
You know I have to buy the tickets
for the tomorrow's flight!
I'll be with you
in no time at all.
Hello.
There's sausage!
What can I do for you?
I booked a ticket to London
for Stanislaw Paluch.
The flight to
London at 11:05...
This ticket has been discounted
for four minutes now.
lt's 11:09 now.
Didn't I bring
you the sausage?
You can have it back!
Go on! Take it!
If you don't want to go to Tokyo,
go to Melbourn.
It's a rare ticket
and still valid.
The plane took off 3 days ago
and hasn't returned yet.
To Melbourn?!
Excuse me, but I just got a message
from the hospital that my son was born.
I bought flowers for my wife,
and I wanted to get a ticket for my kid,
as a sign of fortune.
- May I?
- Of course.
I'd like the 11:05 ticket to London.
The flowers are for you.
- Your ID, please.
- There you are.
- Excuse me, I'm a paediatrist...
- I said it was a son.
- How much does he weigh?
- 12 kilos.
- 12?
- Yeah.
lt's a good strategy
of our Party.
Only the people
with the tickets, please.
- I only want to see my mother off.
- Hold on...
I need to look in
the instructions.
M... M... Mother.
You can see your mother off waving
at her from the terrace.
We're sorry.
The terrace is closed.
The nearest open
terrace is in Wroclaw.
Maybe you will go, son?
You are to be operated on
and not me, mother!
- I'll only help her with the suitcase.
- Don't be so pushy.
"What if it was your son going with
a group of one hundred other people,"
"and each parent wanted to see them off,
do you know what a crowed it would be?"
"And don't tell me you don't have a son,
because you can always have one."
"Now check if he's
not a priest."
Excuse me, I have the ticket.
- Come here, come.
- What's up?
- Want a ticket?
- What?
I'm asking if you
need a ticket!
Lufthansa, Swissair,
Air-France...
Man, they aren't valid!
But you can use it to get aboard.
It's a kind of pass. Do you take it?
A Polish or a foreign one?
OK, give me a Polish one.
- Fourty.
- How much?
Fourty, fourty.
The foreign is cheaper - Thirty.
The NATO ticket you can use everywhere.
The Polish as well.
Don't bend it, don't destroy it
and it'll serve you even for 2 years.
Excuse me. I'd like to know what time
the 11:05 plane to London departs?
How should I know?
At 1 o'clock, I guess.
- Could you...?
- Wait a minute.
Passenger Stanislaw Paluch is
requested at the check-in desk.
Mutual trust and friendship - the basis
of the correct functioning
of the basic social
unit: the family.
The 30th assembly of the
Co-operative Society Zenum.
- I beg your pardon?
- This is how we call the day
when all the planes depart as
scheduled.
- A latecomer?
- The 30th assembly
of the Co-op Zenum.
And what about this forged
letter you gave him?
He took it to heart and said
I couldn't go on Friday.
I said OK, I'll
go on Thursday.
Of course, he sent
a spy after me.
He's sitting over there
reading a paper.
How did you get the passport?
Eli? It's me. I'm calling you
because I can't talk to you.
What? There are
some people here.
No one you know.
No, no! I was
talking to a friend.
- What now?
- Partners?
- What else can I offer you?
- I accept.
You see?
You lost.
Losing with you is like
winning with you.
Please, tell me!
Should I fill it
out in English?
I'm serving sweets!
- I'll help you.
- Thank you.
Your name, surname,
occupation and address.
- Do you carry any alcohol?
- No, only Cologne.
- That's all.
- Thanks.
That lady said I filled
everything out correctly.
That lady!
Oh, God!
What have I done?
Oh, my God!
How come you're here?
What a surprise!
You must stay longer here with us!
Sit down and tell us!
- What's new?
- Nothing, Mr Jan.
I'm very happy to find you here
in good health, thank Goodness!
I'm very pressed for time.
I want to make it with the cheque
before they close the bank.
- But you should eat something first.
- I'll have something later.
- Nobody touched your things.
- Yes, I know.
I'm taking my cheque book with me.
I'll come back later, we'll have a chat.
I almost forgot!
Here's the stone you asked me for.
I brought it from Jelenia.
- From Jelenia?
- Czestochowa, of course.
It's a souvenir.
You know who walked
on this stone.
In the evening we'll talk
about the good old times, and now...
- But...
- In the evening, in the evening!
I don't understand you,
but I can show you my...
I don't want you to
think that I'm...
I'll show you my ID.
There you go. This is my ID.
Go ahead! Take a look!
My name is Ryszard Ochucki.
Can you see? Isn't it me?
The same?
You can also check
my signature.
Give me that!
Let me talk to this gentleman.
Do you speak English?
Tell me what this moron is saying,
'cause I don't understand.
Go ahead! Speak.
They are on strike.
On strike?
Yes. Their place of work is too dark
so they went on strike.
It finishes at 2 o'clock.
8 minutes, you bureaucrat!
How dare you go on strike?!
All of this has
gone to your heads!
- A long time ago?
- About half an hour.
- Sure it was him?
- How couldn't I recognize him?
I'd like to put my
money in your bank.
I want an account with a password.
Verstehen?
Sure we verstehen. Verstehen.
We verstehen everything.
Have a seat, please.
Wait a minute and all will be arranged.
Mr Jan, I need you
to do me a favour.
Could you send a telegram
to my address in Poland?
Write this: Unfortunately,
I can't come to see you.
I can't come dear boys,
love - your Aunt.
I got it: your aunt.
I'll do it.
- Have you got them?
- What?
- The tickets!
- Tickets, tickets! Sure, I don't.
5 hours of queuing
and I was left empty handed.
I was lucky they
closed this office.
- You know what happened?
- What?
What! What! Don't talk so much.
Help me carry him out.
Why?
- What happened?
- Don't talk so much! Open that car!
Open it!
- I almost ended up in prison.
- Why? What happened?
The militia are looking for
this Stach Paluch of yours.
They gave him the passport!
They did, but remember
at whose request.
- Little brother joining the army?
- Get lost, punk!
- Good night, my prince.
- Why prince?
A friend of mine from the theatre
says it like this.
I don't know why.
Today, in the early afternoon hours,
a new secular tradition was born:
the day of the
walking-passenger.
It will surely
enter our calendar.
The Varsovians celebrated
this gift from...
The picnic celebrating the day
of the walking-passenger will
end with a fireworks display.
Have a drink.
Worse things happen.
I'll buy you a fur
coat if you want.
- A real one?
- A real one.
The professional basketball team
arrived in Warsaw...
- Honey!
- ...to present a few matches.
This one doesn't have much
to do with real basketball.
It's a bit like a circus or a game,
but mostly they try to make fools of us.
- These Negros are incredible.
- Yeah!
I meant in general.
Look at the way he moves.
When I was young
I was a Negro
and I played basketball, too.
Really! Look how
I used to play.
I played like this...
but then I stopped.
Sometimes I wonder
if true love ever happens in life?
- Does it exist at all?
- What? Love?
Yes, love.
Does it happen at all?
Well, on TV they show
love very often.
Some always talk about it
or make love.
Yes, I also think that love
isn't possible in real life.
- There's somebody hanging up there!
- It's a toy, a straw one.
They said on TV it would fly
over the city.
- Look.
- What TV?
- You're talking shit!
- No! They said it's the tradition.
Look, it's gonna fly!
What do you mean it's gonna fly?
It's hanging on a line... or a wire.
- Morning.
- Do you carry people in this?
We're just going to
the lake fishing.
Your ID and your
licence, please.
What did you give me?
It's the passport!
The passport must be returned on the
first day after Christmas at the latest.
- You may go.
- But why should I return it?
- You already came back from abroad.
- Who? Me? From abroad?
Yes, from abroad!
You were in England.
Stop playing dumb!
You may go now.
- Where were you?
- You were in England?
- Why didn't you say anything?
- He doesn't talk much at all.
- Were you there long?
- One day.
- It's not long.
- I couldn't stand it any longer, man.
They drink this red vodka
made of mice there.
You mean they drink
even more than us?
Yeah, you can't compare it!
One shot and you pass out for 2 days.
God!
Tradition, come to daddy!
Just don't wet your shoes.
She can't be called this way.
Why not?
Because you cannot call
anything tradition.
You cannot give orders
to establish it.
Who thinks differently,
goes to the beat of a different drummer.
Tradition means the house
which grew up over a thousand years.
Do not ever compare the chicken
with the egg.
The tradition of our works
is like a fortified wall.
It is the Christmas supper
and the carol.
It is the people's singing
and our fathers' language.
It is our history,
which cannot be changed.
And all this around us, coming into
existence from the beginning,
is the reality we live in.
A bit lower, lower...
That's enough!
- Lower the southern line.
- Yes, sir.
Quickly, line them up here.
There must be some life
in this housing estate.
This is Pike here,
this is Pike.
We're pulling the net.
You may start now.
THE TEDDY BEAR
Holy smoke!
What's up?
Nothing, chief.
Only his eye fell off.
Two bears, please.
The red one and this in the red cap.
Can't you see I'm eating?
Sorry to disturb you.
You're not disturbing me.
- Are the bears already packed?
- Yes.
- How many did you put inside?
- As usual.
I was going this way yesterday,
and these houses weren't here.
Oh, really?
If an old lady was crossing the street
to get to the old people's home,
and this home hadn't been here
yesterday, but it was here today,
would you run over
this poor old lady?
it could be your own mother!
How can I run over
my own mother,
if she is sitting in the car?
This is Birch here. This is Birch.
I can't hear you well.
He said that his mother
is sitting in the car.
His mother is sitting in the car,
that's what he said!
Calm down and don't panic.
He's just another sly dog.
He's driving his
mother to mix us up.
This shows that life
always has new challenges for us.
This is the first.
Secondly, we must always have
different options ready.
That's why I suggest
the following option:
"What if there was
a kindergarten here in the future?"
What if there was
a kindergarten here in the future...
And your kid would be
crossing the street...
in the future...
What if suddenly there was
a kindergarten here!
And your kid would be crossing
the street here... in the future...
The kid who you
don't have yet,
so don't tell me
he's sitting in the car!
You are going to the capital
of a capitalist country.
This country may
have its advantages.
The point is, however,
that the advantages shouldn't blind you
to the disadvantages.
Now like always: gentleman
on the right, ladies on the left.
So crowded here!
So, what is a built-up area?
A built-up area consists of minimum
3 buildings
standing not more than 15 meters
from one another.
This is all true
what you're saying.
But it's only 14 meters here.
You can measure it yourself
if you don't
believe the militia.
But he believes in
everything, officer!
He is a real schmuck.
There should be
three, not two.
Unless this one over there
we should call a house, too.
115 kilos?
There should be 119.
- There are 4 kilos missing.
- I've lost 4 kilos.
So you are bringing 4 kilos
of the citizen less.
What if everybody was returning
a few kilos slimmer?
- There would be fewer and fewer of us!
- Of the Poles.
So what should I do?
60 zloty for each missing kilo.
Do you have any education?
- University education.
- 75 zloty per kilo then.
Each kilo of a university educated
citizen - a special value for the nation.
Here are the passports.
- Citizen Ryszard Ochucki?
- That's me.
Follow me, please.
What is...?
Who did it?
- I...
- You?
I am asking "who"?
- I'm asking!
- But I...
What's this?
A passport.
A passport?
It used to be a passport!
Bring me my suitcase!
You are going without me.
Coach, now you are responsible
for everything.
- What happened?
- Nothing. All's fine.
Call the Cabinet
and tell them I'm coming.
He's been refused
to leave the country?
They want him to be a minister.
They called yesterday.
- How do you know?
- Because I answered the phone.
He wasn't here.
They were probably talking him
into becoming a minister.
It would be foolish of him
to become a minister.
Is this a bad place for him here?
Where would he be better off?
For Marciniak he
took the money, too.
But Marciniak complained
that he ripped him off.
He didn't rip him off,
because Marciniak.
He got 300,000 zloty and an apartment.
He deserves nothing more.
The president still
owes me 500 zloty!
Don't you think he doesn't owe us
for this glass he broke the other day?
I tell him that a glass costs 4 zloty,
and he says: "OK, OK".
And he hasn't paid till today!
- Bear!
- He's a pig, not a bear!
He doesn't have 500 zloty for me
but he wipes his ass with $100 bills!
I just wanted to say
that our president...
keeps the books... very well.
If it happens that...
for example... he owes somebody
some money... he gives it back right away.
He never owes me any money.
He really looks after these things.
He runs the club very well...
Good morning, honey.
I've popped in just
to pick up my furniture.
- I hope I'm not disturbing you.
- No...
Let me show you...
- Anything to drink?
- No, thanks.
But I'd love something,
if you don't mind.
C'mon! Gentlemen, be careful!
Just the two of
us won't move it.
But... there are three of you.
You remember
Wladek, don't you?
I'm really sorry.
Really sorry.
Please, mister
minister, have a sit.
Cut it out with this minister.
If belongs to the past.
- What's your name?
- Rysio... Ryszard.
All Ryszards are good guys!
Shame you two broke up.
But, on the other hand...
This Picasso...
This Rembrandt...
- And this Buddha.
- Hold on, hold on! What Buddha?
This Picasso I'd
like in our bedroom,
and the Buddha we'd
put in your office.
- But wait a minute.
- I really like you, man.
You must pay us a visit one day.
But give us a call before.
Just to make sure
you'll find us at home.
Oh, this is also very nice!
How did you know
I would be home?
You knew I was
supposed to go abroad.
We were passing by
and we just popped in.
You were passing by
with the porters?
Yes... We were passing by with
the porters. I really like you, man.
- The gentleman is saying that...
- That we can use our account together.
I am asking "who"!
I'm asking!
What is this?
Mister, mister!
I'd like to withdraw all the money
from our account.
Certainly.
"Hey, one day the sadness
will overcome the fear."
"Maybe in thirty years,
on this sand there will be a long,"
"straight and as wide as
the sea - Trasa Lazienkowska".
I don't get it.
Why "maybe"?
Well... it's "maybe" because
he doesn't know about it yet.
What do you mean
he doesn't know?
Picture this...
He's a young man,
still a boy, OK?
On the banks of the Vistula...
His friends are working there, too.
- You can see it now, can't you?
- Now I can.
And he begins to see it, too.
I mean this Trasa
Lazienkowska.
He can see it in his
dreams, my friend.
Here I would start
from G sharp.
From G sharp?
And instead of "maybe"
we'll have "surely". Ready?
# Hey, one day the sadness #
# will overcome the fear. #
# Surely in thirty years, #
# on this sand there will be a long, #
# straight and as wide as #
# the sea - Trasa Lazienkowska! #
- Excellent!
- You've done very well!
For you guys,
I always do my best!
You see?
- I told you.
- You convinced me. Hold it, please.
Come in.
Hope, I'm not disturbing you.
Hi, Rysiu.
What's up?
- I already thought you wouldn't come.
- Why wouldn't I?
I couldn't get off
at the Central station.
What to do?
What can we do!
A year. At least a year.
It's a problem...
That's right.
It's...
...a year.
Women are terrible after all.
She just tore it out...
- But what could we do for him?
- Nothing.
But you know what?
I've got an idea!
Listen!
In order to keep
you close to me,
I don't have to tear out any leaves
from your passport.
# In order to keep #
# you close to me. #
# I don't have to tear out any leaves #
# from your passport! #
You heard it yourself?
He said his aunt
would came from London
- and she would bring the money.
- He was lying.
He also lied in this passport
application you saw at his place.
He wrote he has no
relatives abroad.
But he has an aunt in London,
and this is abroad.
He's got money on the account
in London and not an aunt.
He tells me to call him and I have to
listen to this crap he's talking.
Every time he's surprised
that this aunt calls him.
This is all bullshit,
I'm telling you.
This man didn't say a word
of truth in his life.
And what's this?! You said it would
take you three days to take it apart.
It will be taken apart.
Once we've finished our breakfast.
You should eat your breakfast at home.
The scenery must be done fast!
- And who's this?
- The production manager.
He's showing off,
because he's with a woman.
Drink up, and let's get down
to business.
This is our star.
Ola, please, introduce yourself.
- I'm Alexandra Kozak.
- Ryszard Ochucki.
Pleased to meet you.
What's up, Rysiu?
All right.
Ola, please go and see
what's for dinner in the canteen.
- She's a very good girl.
- Oh, I'm sorry!
I'd really like her to become somebody.
What brings you here?
Janek, you know very well how it was.
There was a war.
Five years of war,
five years of occupation.
I've made 28 films about it,
and now I'm making the 29th.
So you know from the films,
how it was. It was hard.
And before the war?
During the "sanacja" regime?
I've made 18 films about it.
Who is this brother?
- Where is he?
- Nowhere.
He exists only for my aunt.
She's 79, very rich, lives in London.
Is that enough for you?
My parents sent her a picture.
A bit exaggerated, though.
There were two of
me in this picture,
to convince her
that my parents had twins.
She sent 100 pounds
for the both of us.
It doesn't make any
difference to her.
But to us...
I think I don't have to tell you this.
It was a hard time for us.
- My father...
- Stop it or I'll go nuts.
It was hard in 18 films.
What do you want from me?
My aunt is coming to
Poland in a week.
It's her first time
after 50 years.
She must see two twin brothers
and that's why I'm here.
Janek, all she will bring
for my brother is yours, OK?
How do I know how much
she's going to bring for your brother?
Janek, have I ever
cheated you?
Let's say you would have
a small part in my film.
Then you'd get sick.
This would give us the reason
to look for your double.
So, what do you say?
Take 5 zloty for the telephone.
I don't want to hear again
that you didn't call me
because you ran out of money.
Ok. I'm going to talk to you?
First a lady will answer the phone,
when I come you will start...
- As usual?
- Yes, as usual.
Just don't be late, as usual.
Call me after the 3rd change of lights.
- Don't lose this paper. Get lost!
- I'll do my best.
He's coming again. It's his bladder.
I know how it hurts.
No. I just wanna avoid
having to piss later.
Today I have to stand
at this damn phone booth again.
This is the some phone booth
that we used to have in the club.
And people could make calls.
And this pig took it
and put it in front of his house.
Who are you going to be today?
His aunt again?
I guess so.
I will be calling from London.
OUT OF ORDER
- Do you want anything to eat, honey?
- Yes. You!
You know?
I don't know how it's possible...
but I love you very much.
What do you mean?
I don't know...
- I just love you.
- I understand...
This phone is out of order.
There was even a sign
but a hooligan took it off.
You always put on the pink light
when you kiss me.
- Why?
- Just for the atmosphere.
For example, when I think
I put on the blue one.
Don't you like me
anymore, honey?
What I don't like most is doing
business with assholes!
What assholes?
Take it. I'm out.
There's an international call
for you from London.
Don't hang up!
It's for you, honey!
From London!
From London?
Find a cigarette for me.
Hello?
I'm very sorry to
call you so late.
But the booth was out of order
and I had to look for another telephone.
I'm calling from
the drugstore.
Now I'm going to count
as you told me to.
One, two, three, four...
Hello Roman, how are you?
It's Polanski.
What? To London?
Eighty two, eighty three,
eighty four...
- Excuse me.
- What?!
I've already counted. There are
121 people standing in the line.
Wait, wait, wait!
I'll write it down.
88, 89, 121, 121.
OK, all right!
Ok, I'll see you soon.
Was it this Polanski?
The film director?
They all must have gone mad!
They want me be like Mel Gibson.
Janek persuaded me to play in the film,
Roman wants me in London...
And I'm not good for that.
They must be mad!
He also wants me to find him
an actress...
- What actress?
- A partner for me in the film.
I'm going to be a Pole
with a Polish wife in London...
I must ask Janek to help me.
He's an expert when it comes to actresses.
Honey! You can't do it, honey!
You know how jealous he is.
He wouldn't let me go with you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Very much, you know?
You should have
left one for us.
What for?
Shove it in.
- Is the hare ready?
- Ready!
What's this?
The huntsmen.
The children from the living
quarters for the hunt.
- It's a good idea.
- Yes, it's a good idea.
Give them some pants,
take their shoes off and shave them.
I agreed to be a forester
with a moustache.
I won't let you
shave my beard.
I've had it since
before the war.
We'll put some rags
around the children's.
There were no dentists in those days.
This is the best!
And what's this?
It's mister
Hoffander's friend.
- Our suggestion for the squire.
- I'm Ochucki.
- What is he wearing?
- It can be taken off.
It's a very good idea.
Why is he wearing
the Prussian uniform?
Because he's the
Prussian squire.
It's written in the screenplay:
the Prussian squire comes in.
It's Prussian, because his name
is Prussian! Wawrzyniec Prussian!
The Polish squire.
I can put something
around here.
Take it off!
It's a disgrace!
It's a political calumny
for the whole crew!
Calm down! He's the
"sanacja" regime squire.
Remember who they were friends
with in those days.
- Huntsmen ready?
- Ready!
- Hare ready?
- Ready!
- Camera.
- Go!
The Last Hot Dog of Count
Barry Kent 701.
- And what now?
- We'll have to repeat.
Repeat what, you schmuck?!
It's a cat!
It'll always climb the tree!
We could cut the tree down.
This is my idea.
Here only I can have ideas!
We can look at everything
in a completely different way.
There is the truth of the times
we are talking about,
and the truth of the screen,
which says:
a proto-Slavic pear tree is a shelter
for a plebeian runaway.
Get me a hare on
the pear tree!
No, wait! Get me a dog!
I want him to bark at his
persecutors from the manor-house.
I don't want him to meow!
Can I have some birch water?
- The usual papers, please.
- Sure.
Pork loin.
300. I'll have a speleological guide
the day after tomorrow.
- Speleo... guide? What's this?
- Liver.
- Thank you, bye.
- Bye.
You will stay as a witness.
Put her here.
The door!
- Are you the shop assistant here?
- Why?
You sold this shampoo,
didn't you?
- I asked you a question!
- I'm not the Holy Spirit.
How dare you!
A regenerative shampoo!
The mother.
30 years of marriage.
My wife.
That's all I have left!
Only this!
- This is what I have left!
- Calm down, Kaziu.
Get out of here!
All of you!
You can't throw hair about here!
It's not a unisex hair salon!
It's a kiosk!
I've got meat here!
Do you have everything?
Yes, but I don't
know if it's OK,
because you gave me the form
for the official passport.
Why should you pay for the ticket
and the passport yourself?
You will go with the official passport
as the competitor of the "Rainbow" club.
Such a passport allows you to fly
wherever you wish.
Do you always carry
your passport with you?
Show me how you look
in the picture.
Like this.
Oh, honey!
You signed all the pictures.
Good. Now I only need your ID.
- There you are.
- Good.
Two coffees and two cakes.
Anything else?
- Why two coffees and two cakes?
- A coffee and a cake are obligatory
for everybody. We're competing
for "The Gold Frying pan".
We'll have the obligatory
set twice then.
The cloakroom is also
mandatory here.
Have I lost them again?
No, here they are.
Now listen. Here you have written
what is in my jacket:
ID, a questionnaire,
and so on.
It's ticket number 10.
I'll write it down for you.
Can you add some water here?
I'm dead tired today,
I'm telling you.
Can you take this lipstick
off the glass?
The customer might kick up
a fuss again.
We should let in
only customers in ties.
They don't kick up
a fuss so often.
- But this is my ticket.
- Don't be so picky!
- Take this coat.
- But it's not my coat!
Your ticket is empty, so he gave you
another coat. Is that clear?
But I had there my passport,
this lady's ID and...
Because you collected
your coat!
You said: I had there
my passport, ID...
You paid 20 zloty for
the lost ticket.
And I want the coat
for this particular ticket.
Don't you shout at our employee!
I'm the manager of this cloakroom!
We don't have your coat,
and what are going to do to us?
It's all written here.
Take it and read it!
The cloakroom manager isn't
responsible for the lost items!
Why didn't you
call the police?
Because I can get to them,
before they can get to me.
Wait here for me.
I'll be back in a minute.
- What about me?
- My jacket got stolen and not yours.
Next door!
Don't you know
the regulations?
Yes, you're right.
If a man wants to piss,
he forgets about the regulations.
That's true.
How much longer?
15 years, but I'm
going to appeal.
Did you do it?
I did what I could.
Honey, look!
Look!
Look. They sent it back.
What?
I think they stole it again.
- But what?
- Here it is!
My ID.
Great!
Maybe they sent my
passport back, too?
Oh, honey! Let's go and check!
- There's a letter.
- Really? Open it.
Here it is. Look how
honest they are.
I know some more
honest people.
It's crazy.
Why did they send you the cover?
Probably because the thief
had a better one.
But he didn't have a passport,
so he'll use mine to go somewhere.
- The police will catch him.
- They will, but in a year or even later.
Roman, I'm not coming.
Love, Ryszard.
I'm really sorry,
but not only because of myself.
I wanted you to play
in Roman's film.
Honey, you are so clever!
Do something!
I can't send this telegram.
There isn't such
a city - London.
- There is Ladek, Ladek Zdroj...
- It's London! The city in England.
- And why didn't you tell me this?
- I'm telling you now.
But I have to go and see
where this damn city is.
They stole your passport.
Why don't you steal somebody's
passport now? I will steal it!
"The Last Hot Dog of Count Barry Kent".
The Office.
- Where's my tea?
- On the desk.
Thank you.
Here's the sick leave for you.
- Thank you very much.
- What for?
Our actor, mister Ryszard Ochucki,
got sick. He's got the leave for 3 weeks.
Can you put the ad in the papers
that we're looking for his double?
- What's wrong with him?
- Never mind. He's in bed.
Oh, God!
Take this. Put the ad with this picture
in the papers. Write that it's urgent.
- But I'm about to have my soup poured.
- The cab's waiting. The artist's sick.
I didn't eat when I was your age.
There you go.
What are you waiting for? Go!
Are you the driver in "The Last
Hot Dog of Count Barry Kent"?
- Yes, and so what?
- So we're going.
First to Victoria Hotel.
Wait for me here.
I must eat something!
- Mashed potatoes with lard, please.
- There's no lard.
- We serve potatoes with jam.
- Ok, I'll take it.
Miss, can you come up?
- In a minute!
- Please, came back.
Buckwheat porridge.
Number 78, seat 13, table 3.
Why are you fumbling with it?
Just don't turn the plate.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You're very welcome.
- What's your number?
- 78.
I have 74, but I
was in the john.
Asshole!
Terrible brutes come here
from all over the world.
The porridge isn't
cooked well...
Now let's go to the editor's
office to put the ad.
- Excuse me, what are you waiting for?
- For "The Last Hot Dog".
There won't be anything left
for me anyway.
Why are you here?
Because we look so alike.
All our friends from the office
say that!
Thank you very much.
We'll call you later.
- They weren't good.
- We need only men.
Yes, only men.
Men only! Come in, please.
Take him away!
- He doesn't want to see you.
- But why? I only...
Get out of here!
Out! Out! Finished!
Send them all to hell!
Pay them half of
the daily wage!
Tell them to go to hell!
Perfect doubles, God Damnit!
Why did I get into it? Hell!
So?
Are you mad?
You're supposed to be sick!
You are sick! Seriously sick!
This day cost me 50,000 zloty.
Do you want to
serve time with me?
If you're bored, go pick
some mushrooms!
That burns me up!
Yes, this is a very good idea!
Go pick mushrooms.
Ryszard, I'm sorry I shouted at you.
Sorry for these mushrooms.
You must understand that
you can't leave your home.
Listen.
What mushrooms
is he sorry for?
But I am at home.
Very good!
Bring me this guy that was here
a moment ago.
Yes, sir.
Krysia, we need this guy
who was here.
He left.
We need him.
Call this guy who was here!
Make it fast!
I'm going to end up
in the madhouse!
He's here, sir.
Bring him in!
- What can he know?
- Everything.
He can do everything.
He put the ad to find me
and he warned me:
Go pick mushrooms, otherwise I'll go
to jail and you'll go to jail.
Where do we get the mushrooms
from at this time? Do you know him?
Never seen him before.
He looks like nobody I know.
But what does he mean?
These 4 tons on Tuesday?
And what about these
12 tons last week?
And these 8 tons of coke?
- And this timber?
- True. The timber, too.
Let's go pick mushrooms!
We'll get some wine.
My daughter was born,
- so we can drink.
- Another one?
I mean the one that
was born 4 years ago.
A child as any other,
but we can drink, can't we?
You mean she has a name?
Usually we call her Mary,
but we want to give her
a more modern name.
I know one name
suitable for a girl.
What name?
Tradition.
You're a bunch of
spongers and idiots!
You don't even want
to move your ass!
I rack my brains, spend my money
to put the ad to attract
as many people as possible.
Here he comes:
the double we need for our film.
And you let this double go!
- Apparently he came as one of many.
- How many people turned up?
Give me the register.
886 people.
Skip the women,
check all the rest.
You mean we should
go to their houses?
- Yes, and don't fool around with me!
- It'll take all night.
I'll spend 2 nights looking for him,
but I'll find him!
I want him in the morning!
And you?
Come, come. And who's gonna
turn up the taxi meter?
Hello? Good morning!
Keep quiet for a while, please,
as ADM is calling me.
Yes, madam.
What can I do for you?
But...
Madam, I understand it.
I know you are cold.
But it's winter now.
Madam, this is the law
of nature.
Have I fired it up?
Madam, I fire it up all the time.
All day and all night long.
You're welcome.
Have a good day.
Good day.
- Two.
- One. I'm driving.
So, are we drinking
or just looking at each other?
Sign it here.
Put tomorrow's date.
- OK.
- Let me see.
We the undersigned, after having
checked 538 males, during 14 hours,
and after having done 728 km,
indicated by the taximeter,
still haven't found the person
from the picture.
Good.
Sign it.
- From what picture?
- Do you know this guy?
- No.
- So you signed the truth.
- Grandma, I will be Herod.
- You're too young to be Herod.
- Wasn't Herod ever young?
- No.
Children, pick up your toys.
Ala, get the bucket.
- What bucket?
- The one for coal.
Take also the pig's
feeding trough!
Hurry, children!
Where's your father?
He's sleeping, drunk.
Good.
Hey, you!
Wake up!
Get up, get the axe.
They brought the coal!
There's coal in the village!
There'll be a war.
There was coal before the war, too.
NO ADMITTANCE!
EXPERIMENTAL PLANTATION.
I still can't get it.
They gave us a full cart of young pines
for 2 tons of coal.
Maybe they needed this coal?
- What for?
- To light a fire in the stove.
Can't they use the pines?
The peasants are so stupid!
But those from the film
know how to do business!
- I told you.
- Why did he stop?
What do you want?
The poor creature feels you want to
cheat it. It behaves like we do.
- She didn't drink all day.
- Stop it.
- What do you want?
- OK, OK. I'll give her.
There you go. Your turn now.
Drink to the last drop!
Smell it!
The horse's drunk, isn't he?
He? It's a she.
She had only a small beer.
She's going on a rehab on Monday.
They'll treat her and she'll be fine.
I wouldn't lie to the militia.
Your horse is not only drunk
but dirty, too.
This is true.
She's a bit slut...
Doesn't always wash after work.
You are absolutely right.
What do you think
I can tell you now?
That you suggest
a 100 zloty fine.
You say a hundred - OK.
And I say another hundred.
That makes 2 hundred.
And what about a young pine?
One goes for 230 zloty
so you'll save 30 zloty.
- They are nice.
- Let me see.
So?
Too expensive.
Thank God he didn't ask
where we got these pines from...
Hey, you!
Wait up!
Wait, wait a minute.
Give me one more,
for my brother.
Wait a second!
What do you mean "Give me"?
Just like this? For free?
lt costs!
OK, I'll be back in a minute.
Come with me, Robby.
Dear Mr. director!
I saw you in all the films:
those Polish.
Just don't give a cent to
this scoundrel, better send all to me,
because he ran away to this bitch,
my sister, and this is his child.
In the court he said
that he was serving time,
but I visited him twice in jail,
so this must be his child!
Robby, tell Mr. director.
Tell him who this is!
- It's daddy.
- Daddy!
It's his daddy!
We're looking for Mr. Paluch.
Yes?
Are you Mr. Paluch?
Yes, and who's asking?
Do you have a
brother, Mr. Paluch?
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Zdzislaw Dyrman.
Most of the time.
This is Mr. Hoffa...
Chrostowicz.
- Sit down, gentlemen.
- We're looking for Mr. Paluch.
Mr. Stanislaw Paluch.
Zofia!
Where's Stach?
Stach, the militia
came for you.
Gentlemen, let me
introduce my wife.
Zofia.
Here's the money
for those young pines.
You live as in one big family
here on the set.
The truth of the
times, the truth...
The movie shows the painful truth about
the "sanacja" regime reality, right?
Barking dogs and poping champagne corks
won't be able to drown the coming tempest.
- That's right!
- They won't be able!
We're trying to render
this atmosphere.
We fully trust the director
and each other, too.
I don't mean to
be controversial.
This is a young
actor, amateur.
Mr. Staszek!
Come here, Mr. Staszek.
First time in the movie.
We can take example by him.
Thanking him, I symbolically
thank the whole crew.
Thank you very much.
I looked for him for 4 days.
I didn't eat and sleep. But he's perfect!
Our co-operation here is based
on mutual trust.
Attention! Dress rehearsal!
Go!
You're sad, the hunt wasn't successful,
the hares ran away.
Now the lady of the manor.
You're crying, crying, crying...
Now you come near him crying.
That's right!
Now the horses!
Horses, droop your heads!
Can the horses hear me?
Now we all come near the bonfire.
Shoot the pot now! Got it?
Now the cook!
More vapour, you idiot!
Now you take out the hot dogs.
lThe hot dogs!
The disappearance of the hot dogs
caused a huge confusion.
That's true.
However, the whole
affair is transparent!
We know very well
what's behind it.
That's why the hot dogs'
disappearance...
...will only close our ranks!
Amazing!
Where do you get
this coal from?
Usually from
Wegorzewska Street.
That's impressive.
But aren't you
afraid to cart it?
I am, but usually I try to have
a document for this coal.
Your hair is very nice.
Maybe. I can't see it.
That's why we have
to say absolutely...
No! To the secret
hot dog-eaters!
The youth brigade decided to guard
the newly-bought hot dogs
in order to celebrate the anniversary
of establishing our company.
- The 31st anniversary!
- That's right!
- You should've mentioned the mustard.
- I have the mustard.
Let me see.
What a chick!
She's from this movie?
A real chick.
They are the worst!
Give me that!
Or I'll hit you!
OK, OK!
Take it!
Relax, are you going to fight
because of a woman?
You're worse than children!
I'll tell you that a child named
Tradition was born recently in Gdansk.
Read this.
"After the wedding ceremony,
the newly-married couple went"
"to the works committee office
and they got some flowers there."
"They were all moved by the fact
that they witnessed the birth"
"of a new secular tradition."
You mean she was born
in the office?
It's written there, ain't it?
- So?
- Who was that?
It was Stach, your double.
This hairy monkey is
supposed to be me?
I had nothing to do,
so I came a bit earlier.
Come in, come in.
I'm sorry, I'm so...
Thanks, they're so nice. These are
my favourite flowers, you know?
- This is also for you...
- Thanks.
Make yourself at home.
I'm not ready yet.
You came so early.
- Stach?
- What?
There are my pictures on the table.
You can have a look.
I'm terribly sorry, but could you
help me clean out the tube?
You are so strong!
What have you done, honey?
Luckily, it was only shampoo,
and you had a chance to wash your hair.
- We're going to the theatre.
- The theatre? What for?
Because I work at the theatre.
You see?
This is what ham looks like.
Not only with the satire and the song
did our people fight with the invader.
And when the ammunition
was finished...
And when the ammunition was finished,
the best consolation were again
the words of a simple
soldier's song.
Let's hear it.
Could you move a bit?
I can't see anything.
Get some glasses, then!
- Why are you bending over me?
- Sorry.
Can you come here, Zofia?
- What?
- Look!
I know what it is.
I had been working for 20 years
in another theatre.
One critic wrote that
during one performance at this theatre,
he tore all his hair out.
- Do you think it was him again?
- No, it wasn't him.
That one has no hair left.
You look like an American!
Are you Kojak now?
- It's because of this movie?
- No, the theatre.
Goddammit!
I would never go to the theatre!
Here's the summary
of the previous parts.
Lech Rys, the police officer,
discreetly looks after a group
of young delinquents,
trying to change their ways.
Thanks to his right advice,
they nickname him Uncle "Good Advice".
Here's the new hard nut to crack
for our officer: Tommy swears.
The title of the next part is:
"The butterfly's
leg of Tommy Mazur".
So much snow, butterfly's leg!
Been waiting for the bus
for 15 minutes, duck's feather!
I can't believe it! How can you use
all these ugly words?
And what should I say?
My feet got cold!
Butterfly's leg!
As you can see,
the climate is always against us,
but it doesn't mean that we should
use bad words. Right?
We tell him this, too.
I'll give you a
piece of good advice:
Next time, when they cut off
the hot water,
or the public transport won't work
and your friend will start swearing,
- you know what you should do?
- What?
You should pretend that you can't hear
what he's saying.
- Hurray!
- This is an excellent piece of advice!
I can see his face!
It's a very good
piece of advice, uncle.
Give me a piece
of advice, uncle!
It's simple.
The money from The Bank of London
can be withdrawn
only by Ryszard Ochucki
or Irena Ochucki.
Marry quickly
a woman called Irena
and you'll have Irena Ochucki.
Irena Ochucki...
Sweetie?
Now your Irena...
...will kiss your eyes.
The right eye...
Now the left one...
I'll go. Now I have the right
to open the door.
Amazing!
Is this really
your new haircut?
It's really great, honey!
You'll have to do it again.
I know! You'll have the some
haircut at our wedding.
What wedding?
You asked me to marry you
only an hour ago.
Didn't you get the joke?
- It was a joke?
- What else could it be?
You behaved like a moron.
Couldn't you leave
him some hair?
How could I?
If I am a moron, you are...
You are a genius.
Doesn't matter, he's a schmuck.
How do you manage him, anyway?
I'm doing fine.
Why shouldn't I?
I'm only asking.
You're so silly!
Did you think that
I sleep with him?
Oh, baby!
So what do you do?
I told him yes...
but not before we
get to London.
You liar!
I didn't lie to him!
He's not going to London
with me after all.
Because who's going to London
with me? Who?
So what do you usually do?
We talk.
By the way!
What does tradition mean?
He keeps asking about it.
He says it's a girl.
Idiot!
Tradition means...
...something extra.
Extradition!
No, this is when a gangster
hijacks a plane.
Then, because of this tradition,
we can tell him to return it.
It's an old tradition. Started with
the beginning of the aviation.
Extradition.
For example, if somebody stole
our cart, but was caught,
they have to give us a plane.
Do you get it?
It's the tradition.
- It means they have to give us back.
- A plane?
- Yeah!
- What the heck do we need a plane for?
- What about our cart?
- The cart, too!
Good morning, president.
- Please, come in.
- Thank you.
- And what about me?
- He had a reservation.
Today you will
shave my hair off completely.
- Completely?
- Yes, I made a bet.
Yes, I know.
You can't smoke here!
Take a good look at it.
You know, there will be TV, too.
Would you be able to hook it
to the helicopter?
I'm the artistic director here.
I want it.
No problem.
We can hook it.
Recently I put up 3 houses for
the militia. They were very grateful.
OK. We have to discuss it with
the president of the building committee.
- Come with me.
- OK, OK.
This gentleman is willing to settle
the whole thing.
He has a helicopter...
I mean he can have it anytime.
I only need to know about it
an hour in advance.
His price is competitive too.
He'll do everything for 30 thousand,
while the others
take 55 per hour.
I've got your phone number,
I will call you or you will call me,
or maybe you will come.
It's up to you.
Why should we pay three times more
if we have this guy here?
Let him make some money, too.
I've already taken care of the straw.
We can put it inside - costs nothing.
I'll also have the tapes,
so we can make a short movie.
It'll also cost nothing.
This way, we've saved
some 180,000 or 200,000 zloty.
- What else?
- That's all.
One more thing. The People's Museum
in Olsztyn will buy the bear.
We'll have another 150,000.
What do you say?
You are risking being caught
by an inspector for these stupid
savings of 100,000 or 200,000?
Hammer it into
your stupid head:
the money must come from legal
and not illegal sources!
This guy of yours can fly his
helicopter.
We are going to hire a helicopter
for 10 hours at the standard price.
But it'll cost several
hundred thousand!
We'll pay!
The movie will be shot
by professionals.
I have some invoices
- we'll pay.
And we won't sell the bear
to any museum!
Does it mean you don't want
to make any money?
Why do we need this bear?
Tell me!
- Good question? Why?
- That's it!
Nobody knows. So you don't have to be
afraid of being asked about it!
You know what its role is?
It satisfies the whole society's needs.
This bear meets our standards.
Do you realize what it can do?
It can open the eyes of the skeptics.
We can say:
"Look, it's ours, produced in."
Nobody will be able to find fault
with it, because it's the public bear.
And then in the autumn,
it will rot in the open air.
- What shall we do then?
- The certificate of destruction.
Real money can only be made
on expensive, short-term investments.
No, no, no!
You can't afford it!
You must be
careful with money.
Don't be such a demagogue.
If you play dirty games,
it's all right!
If I suggest something,
all I get from you is a lecture.
Dirty games? Me?
Just mention one and I'll let you
drink a bottle of cognac.
And who's responsible for this
dirty business with your fake brother?
- It all cost me 300,000 zloty.
- You?
Money is money!
Several hundred thousand zloty
for several hundred dollars,
provided she'll do the handsome thing.
Is this OK in your opinion?
Let's not confuse
these two currencies.
We're not Pewexes. As consultants,
we get 20% of its overall cost.
The more expensive the bear is,
the more...
- Cognac?
- A double one.
I can afford it.
Do you have a big pot?
I have real hot dogs.
Made of veal in
sheep's bowels.
In sheep's bowels?
They must be from an expensive shop.
No, they are from the movie.
Smell them.
Sometimes it's painful to see
how our president Richard Ochucki
overworks for our beloved club
"The Rainbow".
He works without a break.
He looks after everything.
And some evil people dare plot
against him. They're devils!
It was Waclaw Jarzabek speaking,
the coach of the second grade.
Long live our president!
It's me, Waclaw
Jarzabek, again.
I wasn't here last week, I was sick.
I have the sick leave.
Long live the president of our club!
Long live the president!
It was Waclaw
Jarzabek singing.
Close the door after me!
What's wrong with you?
Right after you left, a guy came in
and started talking to the wardrobe.
Then he sang a
song to honor you.
- A song?
- You should've heard this shit...
- It was Jarzabek. He's a good coach.
- Was it recorded?
Not only this.
The conditions at the training camps
were very good thanks to our president.
And it's not true that the roof over
the beds was leaking.
The president is
like father to us...
- What's this for?
- Do you want see some from
the previous years?
- Don't they know you record it?
- Sure they know. I told them.
If somebody wants to criticize me,
my work or complain about something,
and I'm not here to listen to them,
they can come here and record it.
But they can flatter you,
lie to you, change the facts...
Why should they do it?
We have the same objective:
the good of our club.
Honesty is the most
important to us!
Hello, sir.
That door.
Hello, Richard.
You know how I like you, my friend.
I've had an asthma attack
since the morning
and I have to drink
this wretched stuff.
- I brought something like this.
- It's for my grandson.
He likes sports so much that I want
to give him this to encourage him.
Oh, it's already 5:30. I must have
my blood pressure taken again.
Get in. You're coming with me.
Press number 30, over there.
I wasn't quite sure what kind of sport
he does, so I...
I had them put a
more general sign...
He does nothing. This is meant
to encourage him. What did you put?
I put: "To Marek Zlotnicki,
the 1st place winner!"
I really like you, Ryszard.
Listen, when you were
getting married to Irena,
there were some swords
over your heads, remember?
I'd like to have the
some swords, too.
We're getting
married next Tuesday.
I understand.
Next Tuesday.
And then, of course,
the honeymoon?
Not yet. I think we'll put it off
until winter.
You know, I've
been everywhere.
I don't feel like travelling anymore.
Irena, just the opposite.
Recently she brought herself
a beautiful fur coat from Leningrad.
- What's today?
- Tuesday.
So on Friday she's
going to London.
She wants to buy something...
You know very well
what women are like...
I've just remembered.
There's a letter to Irena from abroad.
It came to her old address,
and I think it's from London.
From London?
Where is it?
At home, or at the club.
Let's go there, then!
There's no need for you to go there,
mister minister.
I will bring it myself.
I'll be back in a minute!
It's for you.
Quiet! He's not a stranger!
I should have the new animal
collections in two days.
- Now I have only these French stamps.
- No, I meant the English ones.
I don't have anything particular
at the moment.
You have some stamped
envelopes here.
I'll tell you how it was
with these pipes.
In winter the windows fell out.
2 at our place, 2 on the sixth floor,
and 2 on the seventh floor.
On the seventh only one!
TRANSLATOR
Pardon... Ich keine...
I speak Polish.
I'm so sorry.
I thought it was my son-in-law
with his French friend.
They are supposed to come here
from Zoliborz to take a bath.
There's no water there.
I would like you to write
this in English.
- Here, on this piece of paper, OK?
- Yes, of course.
The text is as follows.
Irena, my beloved goddess.
Every night I dream
of your beautiful body...
Your beautiful body...
The elevators
start working at 8.
- But I want to take this elevator.
- This one is upstairs.
He should be sleeping now.
- Somebody came to see you.
- Show him in.
- Sorry it took so long.
- That's OK. Have you got this letter?
Thank you very much.
Janek, can you take
my friend downstairs.
Why should he tire
himself going down?
It's a very simple text.
I'll translate it for you.
Excuse me.
I'll be back in a second.
I thought you wouldn't come,
because you already had water.
- Who are you going to be?
- Don't know yet.
This one. I came back
from Geneva yesterday.
There you are.
Hello?
I'm calling from...
Yes, yes.
Yes, yes.
Mr Paluch. Yes, I wrote
everything down, of course.
Miss Krystyna!
And Miss Alexandra Kozel.
Certainly...
Very good.
What's new in your
private life?
I understand...
Congratulations!
It's a matter of urgency.
Take care of it immediately!
I traverse lands and seas,
the whole globe
with an open heart.
I have the Polish
passport with me.
Where from?
Where is it from?
It's from the pride and the hardship
of everyday work.
It's from the
steel and the iron,
it's from the coal,
which is the coke.
Get dressed!
- When are we going and how?
- By plane. Want something to drink?
Why not!
How about some whisky?
The British drink it.
OK, I'll try it.
Go on, drink.
The British drink it all the time.
So I need another glass, then.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thanks.
They delivered herrings
to the shops in Grochow.
Let's see how much you have
on the meter...
Basically, you must know
how much you have and where.
It used to be like that,
but now we've got a computer.
You can input whatever you want.
It doesn't matter!
A computer?
It always gets it wrong
when it does the math.
Every time, with no exception.
It means that you don't have to be
a professional these days.
Not anymore.
It's much easier now!
Excuse me, I need to
go to the toilet.
Sure.
Mister, mister!
Can you see a computer?
This English vodka!
I'll get it.
No, thanks.
We already have one.
Mister, mister!
It was a guy with a mirror.
I said we already have one.
Take care of him.
I'll be back in a mintue.
Hey, you! Computer!
Tell your coal merchant to get rid
of this collector.
Or maybe ask the caretaker.
Put him to sleep.
- Who? The caretaker?
- No, the coal merchant.
Mister, mister!
Can you come to my apartament
to carry out the collector?
Sure.
The Municipal Transport
Service implementing the slogan:
"To The People of Good Work -
Entertainment and Humor",
in connection with
the transport damage,
to The Square at the Square.
The trams have been at a standstill
for an hour. Some men have already got
into my basement for a piss
and he went to carry out the collector!
Such a damage is a good opportunity
to present our passangers,
who are the people
of "Good Work",
a performance until the damage
has been removed.
Excuse me, where did
you get this tea?
My daughter sent
me from Lomza.
Hi, hi. Hello!
You're asking where I'm from?
I'm Jolly Romek.
I have a house in the suburbs.
And in the house I have water,
energy, gas...
Don't worry!
They will cut it off!
He is sleeping!
Sleeping like a log!
So what? I'm sleeping,
because I'm sleepy. Logical.
- And?
- OK.
Give me your passport now.
You know I have to buy the tickets
for the tomorrow's flight!
I'll be with you
in no time at all.
Hello.
There's sausage!
What can I do for you?
I booked a ticket to London
for Stanislaw Paluch.
The flight to
London at 11:05...
This ticket has been discounted
for four minutes now.
lt's 11:09 now.
Didn't I bring
you the sausage?
You can have it back!
Go on! Take it!
If you don't want to go to Tokyo,
go to Melbourn.
It's a rare ticket
and still valid.
The plane took off 3 days ago
and hasn't returned yet.
To Melbourn?!
Excuse me, but I just got a message
from the hospital that my son was born.
I bought flowers for my wife,
and I wanted to get a ticket for my kid,
as a sign of fortune.
- May I?
- Of course.
I'd like the 11:05 ticket to London.
The flowers are for you.
- Your ID, please.
- There you are.
- Excuse me, I'm a paediatrist...
- I said it was a son.
- How much does he weigh?
- 12 kilos.
- 12?
- Yeah.
lt's a good strategy
of our Party.
Only the people
with the tickets, please.
- I only want to see my mother off.
- Hold on...
I need to look in
the instructions.
M... M... Mother.
You can see your mother off waving
at her from the terrace.
We're sorry.
The terrace is closed.
The nearest open
terrace is in Wroclaw.
Maybe you will go, son?
You are to be operated on
and not me, mother!
- I'll only help her with the suitcase.
- Don't be so pushy.
"What if it was your son going with
a group of one hundred other people,"
"and each parent wanted to see them off,
do you know what a crowed it would be?"
"And don't tell me you don't have a son,
because you can always have one."
"Now check if he's
not a priest."
Excuse me, I have the ticket.
- Come here, come.
- What's up?
- Want a ticket?
- What?
I'm asking if you
need a ticket!
Lufthansa, Swissair,
Air-France...
Man, they aren't valid!
But you can use it to get aboard.
It's a kind of pass. Do you take it?
A Polish or a foreign one?
OK, give me a Polish one.
- Fourty.
- How much?
Fourty, fourty.
The foreign is cheaper - Thirty.
The NATO ticket you can use everywhere.
The Polish as well.
Don't bend it, don't destroy it
and it'll serve you even for 2 years.
Excuse me. I'd like to know what time
the 11:05 plane to London departs?
How should I know?
At 1 o'clock, I guess.
- Could you...?
- Wait a minute.
Passenger Stanislaw Paluch is
requested at the check-in desk.
Mutual trust and friendship - the basis
of the correct functioning
of the basic social
unit: the family.
The 30th assembly of the
Co-operative Society Zenum.
- I beg your pardon?
- This is how we call the day
when all the planes depart as
scheduled.
- A latecomer?
- The 30th assembly
of the Co-op Zenum.
And what about this forged
letter you gave him?
He took it to heart and said
I couldn't go on Friday.
I said OK, I'll
go on Thursday.
Of course, he sent
a spy after me.
He's sitting over there
reading a paper.
How did you get the passport?
Eli? It's me. I'm calling you
because I can't talk to you.
What? There are
some people here.
No one you know.
No, no! I was
talking to a friend.
- What now?
- Partners?
- What else can I offer you?
- I accept.
You see?
You lost.
Losing with you is like
winning with you.
Please, tell me!
Should I fill it
out in English?
I'm serving sweets!
- I'll help you.
- Thank you.
Your name, surname,
occupation and address.
- Do you carry any alcohol?
- No, only Cologne.
- That's all.
- Thanks.
That lady said I filled
everything out correctly.
That lady!
Oh, God!
What have I done?
Oh, my God!
How come you're here?
What a surprise!
You must stay longer here with us!
Sit down and tell us!
- What's new?
- Nothing, Mr Jan.
I'm very happy to find you here
in good health, thank Goodness!
I'm very pressed for time.
I want to make it with the cheque
before they close the bank.
- But you should eat something first.
- I'll have something later.
- Nobody touched your things.
- Yes, I know.
I'm taking my cheque book with me.
I'll come back later, we'll have a chat.
I almost forgot!
Here's the stone you asked me for.
I brought it from Jelenia.
- From Jelenia?
- Czestochowa, of course.
It's a souvenir.
You know who walked
on this stone.
In the evening we'll talk
about the good old times, and now...
- But...
- In the evening, in the evening!
I don't understand you,
but I can show you my...
I don't want you to
think that I'm...
I'll show you my ID.
There you go. This is my ID.
Go ahead! Take a look!
My name is Ryszard Ochucki.
Can you see? Isn't it me?
The same?
You can also check
my signature.
Give me that!
Let me talk to this gentleman.
Do you speak English?
Tell me what this moron is saying,
'cause I don't understand.
Go ahead! Speak.
They are on strike.
On strike?
Yes. Their place of work is too dark
so they went on strike.
It finishes at 2 o'clock.
8 minutes, you bureaucrat!
How dare you go on strike?!
All of this has
gone to your heads!
- A long time ago?
- About half an hour.
- Sure it was him?
- How couldn't I recognize him?
I'd like to put my
money in your bank.
I want an account with a password.
Verstehen?
Sure we verstehen. Verstehen.
We verstehen everything.
Have a seat, please.
Wait a minute and all will be arranged.
Mr Jan, I need you
to do me a favour.
Could you send a telegram
to my address in Poland?
Write this: Unfortunately,
I can't come to see you.
I can't come dear boys,
love - your Aunt.
I got it: your aunt.
I'll do it.
- Have you got them?
- What?
- The tickets!
- Tickets, tickets! Sure, I don't.
5 hours of queuing
and I was left empty handed.
I was lucky they
closed this office.
- You know what happened?
- What?
What! What! Don't talk so much.
Help me carry him out.
Why?
- What happened?
- Don't talk so much! Open that car!
Open it!
- I almost ended up in prison.
- Why? What happened?
The militia are looking for
this Stach Paluch of yours.
They gave him the passport!
They did, but remember
at whose request.
- Little brother joining the army?
- Get lost, punk!
- Good night, my prince.
- Why prince?
A friend of mine from the theatre
says it like this.
I don't know why.
Today, in the early afternoon hours,
a new secular tradition was born:
the day of the
walking-passenger.
It will surely
enter our calendar.
The Varsovians celebrated
this gift from...
The picnic celebrating the day
of the walking-passenger will
end with a fireworks display.
Have a drink.
Worse things happen.
I'll buy you a fur
coat if you want.
- A real one?
- A real one.
The professional basketball team
arrived in Warsaw...
- Honey!
- ...to present a few matches.
This one doesn't have much
to do with real basketball.
It's a bit like a circus or a game,
but mostly they try to make fools of us.
- These Negros are incredible.
- Yeah!
I meant in general.
Look at the way he moves.
When I was young
I was a Negro
and I played basketball, too.
Really! Look how
I used to play.
I played like this...
but then I stopped.
Sometimes I wonder
if true love ever happens in life?
- Does it exist at all?
- What? Love?
Yes, love.
Does it happen at all?
Well, on TV they show
love very often.
Some always talk about it
or make love.
Yes, I also think that love
isn't possible in real life.
- There's somebody hanging up there!
- It's a toy, a straw one.
They said on TV it would fly
over the city.
- Look.
- What TV?
- You're talking shit!
- No! They said it's the tradition.
Look, it's gonna fly!
What do you mean it's gonna fly?
It's hanging on a line... or a wire.
- Morning.
- Do you carry people in this?
We're just going to
the lake fishing.
Your ID and your
licence, please.
What did you give me?
It's the passport!
The passport must be returned on the
first day after Christmas at the latest.
- You may go.
- But why should I return it?
- You already came back from abroad.
- Who? Me? From abroad?
Yes, from abroad!
You were in England.
Stop playing dumb!
You may go now.
- Where were you?
- You were in England?
- Why didn't you say anything?
- He doesn't talk much at all.
- Were you there long?
- One day.
- It's not long.
- I couldn't stand it any longer, man.
They drink this red vodka
made of mice there.
You mean they drink
even more than us?
Yeah, you can't compare it!
One shot and you pass out for 2 days.
God!
Tradition, come to daddy!
Just don't wet your shoes.
She can't be called this way.
Why not?
Because you cannot call
anything tradition.
You cannot give orders
to establish it.
Who thinks differently,
goes to the beat of a different drummer.
Tradition means the house
which grew up over a thousand years.
Do not ever compare the chicken
with the egg.
The tradition of our works
is like a fortified wall.
It is the Christmas supper
and the carol.
It is the people's singing
and our fathers' language.
It is our history,
which cannot be changed.
And all this around us, coming into
existence from the beginning,
is the reality we live in.