Ted (2012) - full transcript

It has been said that magic
vanished from our world

a long time ago,

and that humanity can
no longer fulfill its desires

through the power of wishes.

To those who have lost the
wondrous vision of childhood eyes,

submitted here is
the story of a little boy

and a magical
Christmas wish

that changed
his life forever.

It began in 1985,
in a town just outside Boston.

It was Christmas Eve, and all the
children were in high spirits.

That special time of year



when Boston children
gather together

and beat up the Jewish kids.

Hey, Greenbaum!

It's Jesus' birthday
tomorrow,

and you know what
I'm gonna get him?

What?

My fist in your
fucking face!

Why would Jesus want that?

Get him!

But there was one child who
wasn't in such good spirits.

Little John Bennett,

that one boy in
every neighborhood

who just has a tough time
making friends.

Hey, guys, can I play?



Get out of here, Bennett.

Get lost, Bennett!

Get out of here, Bennett!

Yeah, Bennett,
get lost.

John longed
with all his heart

for that one, true friend
that he could call his own.

And he knew that if he
ever found that friend,

he would never let him go.

Well, as it does every year,
Christmas morning finally came.

All the children were opening
their gifts with holiday glee.

And for little John Bennett,

Christmas Day brought a
very special new arrival.

I guess Santa paid attention to
how good you were this year, huh?

Merry Christmas, John.

I love you!

He talks!

I'm going to
name you Teddy.

John became
instantly attached to Teddy.

There was something
about that bear

that made him feel as if
he finally had a friend

with whom he could share
his deepest secrets.

I love you!

I love you, too, Teddy.

You know, I wish you
could really talk to me.

Because then, we could be best
friends forever and ever.

Now, if there's one thing
you can be sure of,

it's that nothing is more
powerful than a young boy's wish.

Except an Apache helicopter.

An Apache helicopter has
machine guns and missiles.

It is an unbelievably impressive
complement of weaponry,

an absolute death machine.

Well, as it turned out,

John picked the perfect
night to make a wish.

Teddy?

Teddy?

Teddy?

Hug me.

You're my best friend,
John.

Did you...
Did you just talk?

Don't look so surprised.

You're the one who
wished for it, aren't you?

Yeah.
I did wish for it.

Well, here I am.

You mean, we get to be
best friends for real?

For real.

Forever and ever?

Sounds good to me.

John was just about the
happiest boy in the world

and he couldn't wait to tell
everyone the good news.

Well, I think we've had a
wonderful Christmas this year.

One of the best.

And I particularly enjoyed
the gift you gave me last night.

Well, my big strong husband
works so hard all year.

I figured you deserved
a little Christmas treat.

I'd call it more
than a little treat.

I think those veneers just make
it a smoother ride for me.

Well, that's
how much I love you.

Seriously though, that was
an outstanding blowjob.

Mom, Dad, guess what?
My teddy bear's alive!

Really?
Well, isn't that exciting.

No, Mom, he's really alive.
Look.

Merry Christmas,
everybody.

Jesus H. Fuck!

Let's all be best friends.

Oh, my God!

John, get away from that thing.
Get over here right now.

- But, Dad...
- Get over here!

- Listen to your father!
- Come here!

Helen, get my gun.
Dad, no!

Is it a hugging gun?

Helen, get my gun,
and call the police!

I'm sorry,
Mr. Bennett,

I didn't mean
to scare anybody.

I just wanted John
and I to be friends.

Yeah, Dad, I made a wish
last night that Teddy was alive

and my wish came true.

Oh, my God!

It's a miracle.

It's a Christmas miracle.

You're just like
the Baby Jesus.

Well, it wasn't long before the
story of John's little miracle

was sweeping the nation.

Out of a Boston suburb

comes what is, without a doubt,
the most incredible story...

A young boy's stuffed animal

has magically come to life for,
as yet, unknown reasons...

Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!
Look what Jesus did!

Before long, Teddy had
become a huge celebrity

in his own right.

Hello, Teddy.

You... You are a...
You surprise me.

For some reason I thought you
were going to be taller.

I thought you were
going to be funnier.

You... What are your
favorite television shows?

Um, I like
Gimme a Break...

Dad.
I want a teddy bear.

Hey! What did Daddy just get you
for your birthday, huh?

- A rake.
- That's right.

An excellent rake.
A birthday rake.

So when you
clean the yard,

you don't have to pick up
the leaves with your hands.

But, Dad.
I want the bear on TV.

Donny.
Shut up, will ya?

Daddy's making love
to New Mommy.

But, Daddy!

Go to your hammock!

Do you ever
watch this show?

Yeah. When Leno
guest hosts.

But through all the fame,

Teddy never forgot
his very best friend, John.

The thunder can't get us,
right?

Nope, we're thunder buddies,
and the thunder knows it.

We're totally safe.

Teddy?

Yeah, John?

Do you promise we'll
always be together?

I promise.

Thunder buddies for life.

Thunder buddies for life.

And that was a promise that
neither one of them ever forgot.

So, where are
John and Teddy today?

Well, let me
put it this way.

No matter how big a splash
you make in this world,

whether you're Corey Feldman,
Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber,

or a talking teddy bear,

eventually,
nobody gives a shit.

Do I dare look
at the clock?

Look, all I'm saying is that
Boston women are, on the whole,

a paler, uglier sort than women
from the elsewheres of life.

That's bullshit. What about Lori?
She's hot.

No, Lori's from Pennsylvania.
That's not a Boston girl.

They're not that bad.

See, the fact that you have
to say they're not that bad

means that
they are that bad.

Did you ever hear
a Boston girl have an orgasm?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
Harder! Harder!

Oh, God,
that was so good!

Now I'm going to stuff my fucking
face with Pepperidge Farm!

Jesus, this is weak.

It's not even
getting me high.

I got to have a talk
with my weed guy.

It's working for me.

I think it sucks. I'm going
to have a talk with him.

I don't know that you want to go
to a drug dealer with complaints.

No. I know this guy a long time.
I've known him since 9/11.

You remember?

I was, like, "Oh, shit, 9/11.
I got to get high."

- Is it 9:30?
- Yeah.

Shit, I got to
get to work!

I don't know
if I can drive!

It's okay, I'll drive you.
I feel fine.

Fuck!

Shit.

Oh, man!

Johnny,
I'm sorry, man.

That car just came
out of nowhere.

God, is it bad?

Oh, man!

John!

May I speak with you,
please?

Shit.

It's all right,
go, go, go.

I'll pull out of here.

Hi, Thomas,
how are you?

Asshole!

That's my bad.
I was sending a tweet.

John,
it's almost 10:00.

I know, sir, I'm sorry.

It wasn't my fault.

What do you mean?

I guess I wasn't really prepared
for a follow-up question.

John, all you got to do
is not fuck up

and you get my job when I
go to corporate next month.

You're the new
branch manager.

All you've got to do
is not fuck up.

- I realize that.
- Good.

Glad to hear it.

Because in a month,
my life could be your life.

A cushy, $38,000-a-year
branch manager

who's personal friends
with Tom Skerritt.

Not a bad life,
is it?

No.

I'm going to show you something
that I don't like to show people

because I don't want them
treating me differently.

Boom.
That's me and Skerritt.

Goddamn right, "Wow."

I'm gonna dock you
for dinging the car

and for showing up
late today, all right?

Try and be a little more
responsible tomorrow.

I will, sir,
I promise.

I'm not going to
let you down, Goose.

What?

Top Gun.

So?

Tom Skerritt.

I know that.

I don't think of him
as an actor anymore.

He's just, like,
a guy.

Like, we work...

We worked on my garage
two months ago.

Helped me hang
a garage door.

You ever hang a garage
door with Tom Skerritt?

- No.
- No.

You ever go miniature golfing with
Tom Skerritt's wife and her kid?

No. You haven't.

Do you ever watch
a Bulls game,

Chicago Bulls game
in Chicago with Tom Skerritt?

- No.
- No.

You haven't.

All right!?

Liberty, fast track,
Skerritt, John.

Thank you, sir.

All right, here's your keys,
your rental agreement,

complimentary
map of Boston.

Thank you for choosing Liberty.
Drive safely.

- Thanks.
- Thanks so much.

I heard you got busted.

Jesus, Guy,
you look like shit, man.

What happened?

I don't know,
I got fucking wasted last night.

My phone says I texted
someone at 3:15,

asking them
to beat me up.

And then, at 4:30, I texted the
same person saying, "Thanks."

And you don't remember it?

No, same as last time.

It just seems kind of gay,
doesn't it?

I don't know.
Maybe, yeah.

Well, do you think you're part
of some gay beat-up underworld?

Like one of those gay
beat-up clubs or something?

I don't know.
I dig chicks, man.

I don't remember any of it.
I was so fucked up.

I might be gay,
I don't know.

Do you mind covering
for me for a bit?

I might go lay down
in the john.

Hey, buddies.
Where is it hanging?

Hey, Alix,
what's up?

You get in the
club last night?

I didn't get in because
the bouncer was douche-face.

But I made friends
in the line.

That's good,
I guess.

Hey, guys, anybody
know a nice restaurant,

like something
where they give out

free bubblegum
in the bathrooms?

For what?

Lori and I have been dating
4 years tomorrow.

I want to take her
someplace really nice.

Congratulations, John.

You guys have been
going out for 4 years?

My longest relationship
was like 6 months

and then she farted
in her sleep.

I'm like,
"I'm out of here, man."

I was gone
before she woke up.

You're not
very tolerant, huh?

Lori ever fart
in front of you?

Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah, many times.

- You Italian?
- No.

Why?

Never mind.
Take her to Benihana.

John, look,
don't you think after 4 years

maybe she's hoping for
something more than dinner?

Like what?

I don't know, but if it were me,
I'd be expecting a proposal.

Come on, nobody's expecting
anybody to propose.

I mean,
marriage isn't...

Isn't love enough?

I submit that love
is enough.

You can put the ring in her ass,
let her fart it out.

So bad,
but so good.

Yeah. It's a study
in contrasts.

Oh,
I love this part right here.

He's for every one of us!

Stands for everyone of us!

He'll save with a mighty hand

Every man,
every woman, every child

With a mighty flash!

Yeah. Fuck, yeah.
Flash! Oh, my God.

Hey, by the way,
don't let me forget,

you and I got to
nail down a plan

for the Bruins game
tomorrow night.

No, I can't.
I'm taking Lori to dinner.

For what?

Well, we've been dating
4 years tomorrow.

Oh, fuck me.
Nice.

Let me ask you something.

You don't think she's
going to be expecting

something big, do you?

What, like anal?

No, like a fucking circular
gold thing on her finger.

Oh, fuck that!

It's been 4 years,
Johnny.

You and me have been
together for 27 years.

Where's my ring?

Where's my ring,
asshole?

Where's my ring,
motherfucker?

Stop it. Come on!

Put it on my fuzzy finger,
you fuck! Come on!

All right,
knock it off!

All right,
I'm just saying.

But do you think she might be expecting
me to make that kind of a move?

No,
I don't think she is.

And, not only that,
it's the wrong time.

It's a terrible idea.

I mean,
you got the economy.

You got the credit bubble,
the Supreme Court.

I mean,
look at Haiti.

I guess I didn't
think about that.

Well, that's...

It's a factor.

Who are you?

Flash Gordon. Quarterback,
New York Jets.

This is the American fantasy,
right here.

A professional NFL player
is called upon to save the world.

Tom Brady could do that.

Tom Brady could do that!

- Hey.
- Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Lori.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What do you got there?

Turkey burgers.

Turkey burgers.

Are we having homosexuals
over for dinner tonight?

No, just you homos.

You kind of just reworded
my joke, but, uh...

How was work?

It was fine.

How's your dickhead boss?

Rex is fine.

He only hit on me
once today,

so,
it's a good thing.

Hey, Johnny,
how about a beer?

A couple of
Charles Brew-kowskis?

Couple of
Brew-stoyevskis?

Maybe a
Mike Brew-gaslowski?

Perhaps a
Tedy Brew-ski?

That's a good one.

You know what, I think I, too,
want a Martina Navrati-brewski.

No, that doesn't work.

Don't ruin it. No.

Bullshit!
That totally works.

No, no.

- Yeah, it does.
- It doesn't work.

The name has to have
a "ski" at the end of it

and you just put
"brewski"

at the end of
"Martina Navratilova," so...

I just thought we were
saying funny names.

No, it has to have
a "ski" at the end of it.

Otherwise,
where's the challenge?

If there's no "ski" at
the end of the root word

then we would just be
idiots saying nonsense.

Hey.

They found
the missing hikers.

They did?

- Yeah.
- What happened?

They said
they got separated

and one of them had his
foot stuck under a rock

for like,
5 days.

You know, if your leg got
trapped under a rock

I'd chew it off
to get you free.

You would?

I sure would.

Is that cannibalism?

No, I think it's only
cannibalism if you swallow.

Oh, yeah, no!

Don't worry about that,
because I don't swallow.

Really?
'Cause that's not what I heard.

Well, it's not true,
okay?

I'm a fucking classy broad.

Yeah.

I can see that.

Listen,
speaking of classy,

Ciao Bella is a really
expensive restaurant.

So, we can go
anywhere else tomorrow.

I really don't care,
as long as we're together.

Are you kidding me?

No, no, no.

4 years, we've
been going out.

I'm taking you to
the best place in town.

I've been crapping out
room for it for 2 days.

I mean, I know exactly
what I'm gonna order.

You are so disgusting.

And I love you.

I love you, too.

And you're nasty.

Do you want to get nasty?

You're a nasty girl.

Fucking
cocksucker motherfucker!

I don't understand.

35 years old and you're
still scared of a little thunder.

I am not!

Thunder buddies for life,
right, Johnny?

Fucking right.

- Let's sing the thunder song.
- All right.

When you hear the sound of thunder
Don't you get too scared

Just grab your thunder buddy
And say these magic words

Fuck you, thunder
You can suck my dick

You can't get me, thunder
'Cause you're just God's farts

Hey, Lori, can you set
the alarm for 11:00 A.M.?

I've got a lot of stuff
to do tomorrow.

Good morning,
Lori.

Good morning.

Okay. You okay there,
sweetheart?

You look
a little flustered.

I'm fine, I'm fine,

I just didn't have time for breakfast
and the garage was full,

oh, and that's right, my boyfriend
can't sleep through a thunderstorm

without his teddy bear.

I don't understand why you
keep putting up with him.

Yeah, I mean,
the guy's 35,

and he's working for
a rental car service.

You know, you guys,
it's really not about that.

I don't care about that.

I mean, I'd love him
if he was a janitor.

I mean, he has a huge
heart and we laugh a lot.

It's just a bonus that he's
the hottest guy in Boston.

I don't know.

I just wish he would
get his life together.

Our life.
And he can't.

And, I swear to God,
it is because of that bear.

You should give him
an ultimatum.

It's you
or the bear.

No, I can't do that.

That would devastate him.

Besides,
what if he chose Ted?

Well, hello there.

Sorry if I'm interrupting
any private girl-talk

about Channing Tatum's
index finger.

But, Lori, I need to
see you in my office.

Yeah,
the thing is, Rex,

I have a lot of work
I need to get to...

Oh, this is work,
I swear.

Great.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

He's such an asshole.

Out of control.
He's such a sleaze.

A hundred bucks says he's showing
her the diving team photo.

Check this out.

That's me on
the high school diving team.

We dove the shit out
of that pool that year.

Now, if you look close,

you can see the
outline of my root.

You promised me
this was about work.

Lori,
why don't you like me?

I'm rich, I'm good-looking,
my dad owns the company.

I have a boyfriend.

I have told you this.

Yeah, the guy with the bear.

But I'm talking about
a mature relationship, Lori.

If we were together,
our babies would be spectacular.

With my top-of-the-pyramid
Caucasian genes and your splash of

dark, beautiful, smoky...

Baltic? Czech?

Goodbye, Rex.

Okay, you're fired.

No. I'm not.

Okay, that was perfect.

Would you like me to
wrap your leftovers?

No, I'm good.
Thank you.

Actually, could you
wrap just this up for me?

I want to scare
the shit out of somebody.

Sure.

- What are you, 5-years old?
- Yeah.

But I read at a
6-year-old level, so...

Sir, and madam,
here is your dessert

and champagne.

Cristal.

It's a special night.

We've been dating
for 4 years.

And hey, all those rich black
people can't be wrong, right?

It doesn't feel like
four years, does it?

No, it doesn't.

You know, you had no business
being out on that dance floor,

but I'm really happy
that you were.

This song is so great.

Oh, yeah.

Chris Brown can do no wrong.

Wow,
you can really move.

You like that, huh?

Check this shit out.

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

Oh, God, I am so sorry.

No, I'm fine,
I'm fine.

Jesus, I am so sorry. I didn't see you.
It was an accident.

Did you hurt your head?

Yeah, my head hurts a lot.

Oh, man. Here, let
me get you some ice.

Sorry, sorry.
Does it hurt?

No. It's fine.

Okay, here's a test to see how
much you actually care about me.

You remember that night,
after the club

we went and had late-night eggs
and waffles until about 5:00 A.M.

We watched a movie on the
little TV in the diner.

Name that movie.

Octopussy.

Baby! Gold star.

And, by the way,
my dancing was not that bad.

- It was pretty bad.
- I have cool moves.

Yeah, so do people
with Parkinson's.

That's not
how I remember it.

Okay, how do you
remember it?

All right,
whatever you say.

- Hey.
- Yes?

Here's to 4 more years.

- Okay.
- You make me happy.

Now, I know we said
no gifts, but...

We said no such thing.

I got you something anyway,
in clear violation of the "no gift" rule.

We had no such rule.

Lori, I've wanted to give
this to you for a long time.

John.

Those are the ones you like,
right?

From that kiosk
at the mall.

Yeah.

You know, Lori,

someday, there's
going to be a ring in there.

But I want to wait until

I get you something
really special.

I just don't have
the money right now.

Look, I'm only saying this
because I love you.

You're not going to
have any sort of career

if you keep
wasting time with Ted.

Oh, jeez, here we go.

Baby, please ask
Ted to move out

so we can move on
with our lives.

Lori, look, he's been my
best friend since I was 8.

I was not a popular child.

You have to understand,

I had no friends
before he came along.

He's the only reason I ever
gained any fucking confidence.

I could have wound up like
that Asian kid at Virginia Tech,

but I didn't 'cause of him.

So, you know,
I'm not that psyched

to just, like,
kick him out.

Well, it's good to know that a
talking teddy bear is the only thing

that prevented you from
gunning down your classmates.

But you're no longer 8.
You're 35 years old.

And unless you're
too blind to notice,

he's not your only
friend anymore.

Can we talk about
this another time,

and just enjoy
our anniversary dinner?

Oh, shit,
hang on a second.

Now my phone fell under
the seat somewhere.

Can you call it?

Yeah.

Is that my ringtone?

Oh, yeah.

What is it?
'Cause it sounds negative.

No, no,
it's from The Notebook.

This is going to take
some doing, I think.

I'll just meet
you upstairs then?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Lori, hey,
you're home early.

What the hell is this?

The ladies and I were just
watching Jack and Jill.

Adam Sandler plays
a guy and his sister,

and it's just awful.

It's unwatchable.

But, they're hookers,
so it's fine.

This place is a wreck.
Who are these girls?

Where are my manners?

Lori, this is
Angelique, Heavenly,

Cherene,
and Sauvignon Blanc.

I love you girls.

You know,
somewhere out there

are four
terrible fathers

I wish I could thank
for this great night.

What is that?

What is what?

There is a...

shit on my floor.

In the corner,
there is a shit!

Oh, my God!
You know what?

That's probably what Dierdre
was doing over there.

Remember she was crouched over in
the corner for a really long time?

I thought she was just making
a phone call or something.

There is a shit
on my floor!

Yeah. Yeah.

She's passed out
in the bathroom now.

She seemed like she was
hopped up on something,

but, you know, mystery solved,
I guess, right?

She was taking a shit.

What the fuck?

Who lives here?

I'm coming to get
whoever lives here.

You owe me
lobster money.

That's my buddy,
Johnny.

Not the lobster,
the guy running it.

I found my phone.

What's going on?

Is that a shit?

God, there are some
fucked-up fish out there.

Look at that one.
WASP-y, white-guy fish.

"I married the wrong woman,
and now I lead a life of regret."

Oh, look at this guy.

"I went to New York once in 1981,
and I just did not feel safe."

Ted, you gotta move out.

What?

It's got to happen.

What did I do?

My relationship is at a very
delicate stage, you know.

Lori and I may just need
a little space right now.

Plus, a hooker took a
shit in our apartment.

- Oh, God!
- Ah, what?

- Oh, this is so gross!
- Don't tell me!

I don't want to
hear about it!

Did you get it?

- No, I didn't get it!
- Tell me when you get it!

Oh, my God,
I got some on my thumb!

No! You can never cook
with that hand again!

Oh, my God!

You have to learn
to cook left-handed.

This is the most
disgusting thing ever!

Don't!
Get it away from me!

Look, that was a tough
night for all of us.

Ted,
you mean everything to me,

and so does Lori.

I mean, I'm just
trying to find a way

to keep you
both in my life.

She's making you do it,
isn't she?

Yes.

But that doesn't mean
we can't hang out.

We'll hang out
all the time.

Yeah, but what about
"thunder buddies for life," Johnny?

I know.

I just don't know
what to do, here.

I know it sucks, but otherwise
I'm going to lose her.

And I do love her,
Ted.

I know you do,
Johnny.

I'll help you get on your feet
out there, I promise.

I know. And we'll hang out
all the time, right?

All the time.

Fuck it. Bring it in.
Come here.

Bring it in, you bastard.
Come on.

I love you!

Fuck. Shit, sorry,
that's the thing from the...

The old...

Yeah, yeah.

- I'm not gay.
- I know.

And you're not gay,
so we're fine.

We gotta get you a job.

I look stupid.

No you don't.
You look dapper.

I don't. I look like
Snuggle's accountant.

Come on,
it's not that bad.

John, I look like something
you give your kid

when you tell him
Grandma died.

Look,
I know it sucks, OK?

But you've got to
make some money

so you can pay
for an apartment.

I don't want to work
at a grocery store.

Yeah, but you
have no skills.

I told you,
I can totally be a lawyer.

As I said, you would need a
law degree from a law school.

No. No.
I'm a special case.

I'm a...

I'm a talking teddy bear,
for Christ's sake.

They might make an exception
'cause they'd be all like,

"Oh, my God!
This bear's so cool.

"He can talk
and do stuff.

Let's give him a job.

"Maybe he'll give us a few
laughs around the office."

And then they're like,

"Oh, my God!
He can deliver.

"He's actually
quite a litigator."

And then they practically have to
give me the Anderson case.

You get the job,
we're celebrating after, OK?

And if I don't
get the job,

are we still going to
smoke that pot?

Probably, yes.

OK, all right.

Good talk, coach,
thanks.

All right, buddy,
go get 'em.

And don't worry,
I'll do my very best

to get this job
that I so crave.

So you think
you got what it takes?

I'll tell you
what I got.

Your wife's pussy
on my breath.

Nobody's ever talked
to me like that before.

That's 'cause everyone's mouth
is usually full of your wife's box.

You're hired.

Shit.

Well, I am a former celebrity
in a minimum wage job.

This is how the cast of
Diff'rent Strokes feels.

All day,
every day.

Just awful.

They must feel awful.

The live ones
must feel awful.

Come on.
It's not that bad, okay?

I got a shitty job,

and I assure you,
I am quite content.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry to bother you

but my son and I couldn't help
but admire your teddy bear.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thanks.

Yeah. I'm Donny,
this is Robert.

I have to say,

I've been following you
ever since I was a young boy

and I remember seeing you
on the Carson Show.

You were just wonderful.

Oh, yeah, that was
a weird interview.

Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept
muttering anti-Semitic comments.

He thought ALF was
Jewish for some reason.

Have you ever considered
selling the bear?

- What?
- Excuse me?

I want it.

I'm not an "it,"
pal.

I'm a "he",
all right?

I'm sorry, little guy,
but my bear isn't for sale.

See, I've had him
since I was about your age.

He's very, very
special to me.

Stand up straight when
you're talking to me.

Why the fuck
would he say that?

Sorry, you really shouldn't
swear in front of children.

Look, we're very
interested in the bear.

If you want to make
some sort of arrangement

here's my address
and phone number.

And you can call me
any time, okay?

Will do.

Here it goes, in the really important
pocket for really important stuff.

Okay? Okay.

OK.

See you later.

Come on, Robert.

Take it easy.

What the fuck?

Can you imagine what that
little shit would do to me?

I could totally see him just
taking you down to the basement

and really slowly
de-limbing you

while singing some creepy
Victorian nursery rhyme.

Oh, my little sixpence
My pretty little sixpence

Stop it.

Knock it off.

I love my sixpence
Better than my life

Stop it! Fuck!

Why you got to
take it to that place?

You took it to a very...

Now it's real.
Now it's a real thing.

Come on.
Take it easy.

All right, look, let's just find
a better place to get stoned.

I guess this is it,
huh?

Yeah.
Yeah, I guess so.

First night on your own.

Yeah, first night in my
beautiful new apartment.

It'll be great
when it's furnished.

Yeah, and the guy said it ain't
hardly had no murders in it.

So, that's good.

Okay, so,
if you need anything...

Yeah, I know.

Don't worry, Johnny,
I'll be fine.

I know you will.

All right.

Hey there.

Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Listen, I just want
to say thank you.

I know what you did
with Ted wasn't easy,

and I just want you to know
that I love you for it,

and I think it's a new beginning
for our relationship.

Hey, anything for you.

This is all part of the new,
grown-up adult John Bennett,

so you better
get used to him.

Really?

Well, you know,

I don't have to be at work
for another 20 minutes.

Well, that's perfect.

Because I'm only
going to need one.

You know what my favorite
thing about you is?

That, even after four years,
you can still surprise me.

Like, to step up and change
such a huge part of your life

just to make
your girlfriend happier...

I don't know,

I guess most guys
wouldn't do that.

Well, most guys don't have
you to motivate them.

I know I'm not
a talking teddy bear,

but at least you didn't have to
make a magical wish to get me.

How do you know?

Is that a Flash Gordon
ray gun,

or are you just
happy to see me?

There we go.

Thank you very much,
please come again.

We have a lot more groceries.

Hey, Ellen.

Yeah?

Who's that over there?

That's the
new checkout girl.

Don't know her name.
Seems cute.

Yeah, very cute.

Do you know what
I'd like to do to her?

Something I call
a Dirty Fozzie.

Okay, all right, so that's
where we'll draw the line.

Hey, how are you
holding up?

Oh, I'm all right.

I'm just getting used
to things, that's all.

It's gonna be all right.

I actually went through something
like this with my last boyfriend.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We were together
for 8 months,

and I really loved him.

And then he got
deported back to Iran,

so I know what
you're going through.

Oh, yeah.

So, I guess we both
lost our furry little guy.

We sure did.

Hey, Ted. Hey, Johnny,
what are you doing?

You want to come over
and catch a buzz?

Well, I could probably
stop by after work.

Fuck that. I traded off yesterday
so I got the other shift.

Come on, I'm bored
as crap over here.

Just swing by for a bit.

I cannot just ditch work,
man.

Look, I'm trying to
get my shit together

and be an adult here,
for Lori's sake.

John, 5 minutes and then
I'll kick you out, I promise.

Just come over.

I got the Cheers DVD box set

and the guy down
at the store told me

that everybody talks shit about
each other in the interviews.

You'll kick me out
in five?

I will kick you out in 5.

John,
I have to kick you out.

I have so much
teddy bear paperwork

I have to get to,
it is sick.

What do I tell Thomas?

Just tell him
you don't feel well.

I gotta cut out for a bit.

Lori tried to
break up a dog fight

and I guess she
got hurt pretty bad.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, that's
the way she is.

She sees trouble and
she wants to help out,

and I guess one of these dogs
clamped his jaws on her forearm

and wouldn't let go
until the fireman showed up

and stuck his finger
in his ass.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, she's
pretty shook up.

Up the dog's ass,
right?

Yeah, up the dog's,
not the fireman's ass.

I thought the fireman stuck his
own finger up his own ass.

No, I don't think a
firefighter would do that.

Go, take care of it.
Let me know how she is.

- Thank you.
- Go.

Was there cocaine
on the set of Cheers?

Um, let me see, what's
the best way to answer that?

Are there naked dicks
in gay porn?

Yeah. Yeah, there was a...
There was cocaine on the set,

but it was the '80s, man.
You know?

I was the king of the '80s.
I was Ted-fucking-Danson.

More importantly, I was
Sam-fucking- "Mayday" Malone.

What was your other question?
Oh, yeah, was I popular?

Are there naked dicks
in gay porn?

Yeah. Yeah. No, I was,
I was beloved.

You know, he's exactly
who you want him to be.

He is. He is a man we can
all model ourselves after.

Woody Harrelson.

Smallest dick I've
ever seen on a man.

See, that's why
I watch these things.

That's like a cool behind-the-scenes
thing that you wouldn't know.

Oh, hey,
listen, try this.

I told my weed guy to
step it up and he gave me that.

What is it?

It's called "Mind Rape."
It's actually pretty mellow.

It doesn't sound
very mellow.

Well, he only had
three other batches.

"Gorilla Panic,"

"They're Coming,
They're Coming,"

and something called,
"This is Permanent."

Go on, spark it up.

There you go.

You got it.

Nice. Good, huh?

Good job.

Yeah.
Take pride in that.

You know,
this place looks great.

Thanks, man,
it's all IKEA.

Did the whole place
for $47.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

How are the neighbors?

You know, there's an
Asian family living next door

but they don't have
a gong or nothing,

so it's not too bad.

- That's lucky.
- Yeah, it is.

- How's work?
- It sucks.

You?

You know,
not bad actually.

I met a girl.
She's a cashier.

- No way, that's awesome!
- Yeah.

Well, we should fucking
double-date, or something.

You, me and Lori,
and what's her name?

White trash name.
Guess.

- Mandy?
- No.

- Marilyn?
- No.

- Britney? Tiffany?
- No. No.

- Candice?
- No.

Don't fuck with me on this.
I know this shit!

- Do you see me fucking with you?
- All right, speed round.

I'm going to
rattle off some names

and when I hit it,
fucking buzz it.

- I will tell you.
- You got me?

All right,
Brandi, Heather, Channing,

Breanna, Amber,
Sabrina, Melody,

Dakota, Sierra,
Bambi, Crystal,

Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,
Taylor, Tara, Tami,

Lauren, Charlene, Chantal,
Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista,

Mindy, Noelle, Shelby,
Trina, Reba, Cassandra,

Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna,
Jolene, Earline, Claudine,

Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra,
Carla, Chloe, Devon, Emmylou.

- Fucking Becky?
- No.

Wait, was it any one of those
names with a "Lynn" after it?

Yes.

I got you,
motherfucker.

I got you. Okay.

Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn, Channing...
Tami-Lynn.

Fuck!

What the hell?

Hey, man, you think you can
open more than one register?

There's, like,
1,000 people here.

There's supposed to be
three registers open.

For God's sakes.

Stick your finger
in the loop of my tag.

You had sexual intercourse
with a co-worker

on top of the produce
that we sell to the public.

I fucked her with
a parsnip last week

and I sold the parsnip to a
family with four small children.

That took guts.

We need guts.

I'm promoting you.

You got a lot of problems,
don't you?

All right, Kareem!

You suck, Kareem.

Hello?

Hey, Ted.

Hey there, fella.
How are you?

Are you out here
all alone?

Uh, no,
no, I'm not.

You know, you're never alone
when you're with Christ.

So, no,
I'm not alone.

Yeah.
Me, too.

You know, Robert and I could
give you a very, very good home.

Yeah, I'm pretty happy
where I am.

I just got
a shitty new apartment...

I can offer you
$6,000 in railroad bonds.

Well, you know,
since I just returned

from active duty
in the Civil War

that actually
sounds very appealing.

Oh, wait, I'm sorry.

That was 150 years ago
and I don't give a shit.

Okay.

Teddy,
come on,

we're going to be late
for dinner with your friends.

Okay, be there
in a second, baby.

As you can see, my dance
card is quite full.

So, I'm going to
have to decline.

Can I just get a hug?

Oh, uh. No.

- Yeah.
- No, no.

And it kills me to
have to tell you no,

because I'm
a people pleaser.

Yeah.

Thank you for
creeping up my night.

- And Jesus be with you...
- Okay.

...in Christ.

Who was that guy?

That was
Sinead O'Connor.

She don't look
so good no more.

See.
I was all pissed off

'cause me and my
friend Danielle

was supposed to go
skydiving last year,

but then she got pregnant
from this asshole guy,

and so we couldn't go.

And I was all upset.

But then
she had a miscarriage

and so, we ended up
getting to go skydiving.

And it was so scary,

but it was,
like, so much fun.

Hey, well, sounds like
everything worked out then, huh?

I know!

You know, it's like God wanted
me to go skydiving, you know?

Jesus.

Or Jesus.
Him, too.

Could be him.

Yeah.

How great is this?

The 4 of us out to dinner.

How long have we been saying
we were going to...

Lori, how you doing?

I haven't talked
to you in forever.

I'm good. I'm good.

The company's having their 20th
anniversary party next week.

So, that's something.

Lori's a senior VP at a big,
huge PR firm.

It's not that
big of a deal.

Company's turning 20,
huh?

So you can bang it,
but you can't get it drunk.

Right?
Yeah, she gets it.

She enjoys my humor.

Yeah. I mean, Rex
is having a house party

but I'm surprised John
didn't tell you, considering

you 2 have seen each other every
single day since you moved out.

Well, you know,
it's funny,

'cause whenever
Johnny and I hang out

the first item
on our agenda is,

"What's going on
with Lori?"

So, it's funny that
that didn't come up.

That must have
slipped through the cracks.

Yeah, but we do talk
about you all the time.

Yeah, you remember the
other day, I was saying

how great Lori's
hair always looks.

Oh, my God,
it always looks so great!

I always want to
fucking brush it.

Right, Johnny?
I say that.

So, Tami-Lynn,

why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself?

Like,
where are you from?

I'm always fascinated
to meet Ted's girlfriends.

What do you mean
"girlfriends"?

Was there a lot of them
or something?

No, that's not what she meant at all.
Right, Lori?

- Lori, you didn't mean that.
- No, no, no.

What I meant to say was
Ted's very handsome

so I'm always
interested in meeting

the lady that
can snatch him up.

Did you just
call me a whore?

What?

You just worry about
your own "snatch."

How about that,
honey?

What the hell happened?

We're having a
friendly meal here.

This was a nice evening.

Don't talk shit to me.

I just asked you
a question.

You know,
you're a freaking snob.

You think you're
cool because you work

at some fucking fancy
shit place, whatever.

OK, take it easy.

Nice, Lori, real nice.

Me? It's not my fault
she can't speak English.

Oh, fuck you!

Just because you're on the
business world and shit you think,

what, everybody should suck your
asshole, or something?

OK. All right, Tami,
come on, honey.

Let's get out of here.

We'll go back to my place for a
couple of vodka and strawberry Quiks.

You know what?

Stick your fucking asshole
right up your fucking ass.

How about that?

You're lucky I'm in my fucking
restaurant clothes, bitch.

'Cause I'd kick your
fucking ass right now.

I gave birth once,
bitch.

I could kick
your fucking ass.

And you better
never show your face

around Quincy,
you hear me?

- Okay, come on.
- Ever!

I didn't know you had a baby.
Is it alive?

What a cunt.

I hate that word!

- What?
- That word.

It's so sharp,
it's like an electric sword

slashing
everything in its path.

Why would you say that?

You didn't exactly
stand up for me.

I'm trying to
walk a line, here.

I want to be fair to you
and to him, you know?

I think you're being a
little more fair to him.

Oh, come on.

You know, your boss called this
morning asking me how my arm was.

Yeah, because of that dog fight
that I tried to break up.

If I had to make a guess

I would say that you made
up some bullshit excuse

to get out of work
to go to Ted's.

Now, am I right?

I made you out to
be a hero.

You know what, John,
we asked Ted to move out

so we can give ourselves
a chance without him.

You're not giving
anything a chance

if you keep
blowing off work

to get high with
your teddy bear.

You're right.

I've been getting
stoned too much.

I know that.

I've been bumming around
with Ted too much.

I know that, too.

You give me
one more chance,

I promise I can fix it.

John,
I need a man.

Not a little boy
with a teddy bear.

I know, done. Man.

Right here,
in front of you, all right?

Look at these pecs.

These are man pecs.

Look at the hair on my upper lip.
That's man hair.

I just farted.

That was a man fart.

Fine, John,
but this is,

I swear to God,
your last chance.

Trust me. I love you.

All right, I love you.

I love you so much.

You won't be sorry,
I swear.

Did you really
just fart?

Yeah, but I pushed it
that way with my hand.

I wonder who it's
going to hit first.

So, if I told him once,
I told him a million times

these numbers
do not add up.

Who did this to us?

God damn it!
I'm here on business!

All right,
here we go.

I'm really glad
that you came.

- Me, too.
- Yeah?

Is it okay if I kick
your boss's ass?

That won't affect your
workplace chemistry, will it?

Please play nice.

For you, I will.

- Thank you.
- Anything.

There she is.

I was worried
you weren't coming.

Hey, squirt,
how you doing?

Where's your bunny rabbit?

He's a bear.

Got it.
Oh, my God!

This house is fucking huge!

I know.
Try not to get lost.

Come on in.

Wow!
Here are the ladies.

Look at you guys.

You guys look amazing.

A little heavy
on the eye makeup,

but pretty good.

- Thank you, Rex.
- Thank you.

You guys know
Lori and Jim, right?

John.

- You guys remember John.
- Hi.

Listen, why don't John and I
go get a drink at the bar?

Sure.

Great,
we'll be right back.

Come on, buddy.

It's an old sweater,
huh?

This house is
unbelievable.

Haven't you
been here before?

What do you mean?

You know,
when you and Rex were...

Oh, no.
That was at work.

You guys did it
in the office?

- Yeah.
- Where?

In the men's room.

Oh, my God.

Why? Where did you
sleep with him?

Here.

Sorry.

It was in
the handicapped stall,

so it was nicer than
the regular stalls.

This is Wade Boggs'
autographed bat.

I just barely outbid Phil
Donahue for that at auction.

Wow, cool.

Yeah, cool.

These boxing gloves were worn by
Joe Louis in his first fight.

This is art.
Get it?

These were
John Lennon's glasses.

They're worth,
like, a million dollars.

That's me
and Tom Skerritt.

Check this out.

It's Lance Armstrong's nut.

I had it
freeze-dried and bronzed.

Every now and then
when my life's

getting me down
and things are tough,

I just come up here
and I look at it.

And it reminds me that
things aren't so bad.

Sometimes you feel
like a nut.

Sometimes you don't.

So, talk to me, Johnny Quest. How
are things with you and Lori?

Things are great,
actually.

That's great.
That is great.

You know, Lori would
hate me for saying this,

but she told me how
you are at the office.

And, as one gentleman to
another, I just want to say

I really hope you fucking
get Lou Gehrig's disease.

I think I need to clear
the air here a little.

Yeah, I'm kind of a
fun-time boss and what-not.

But, look, man, I do that
with everybody at the office.

I'm a kook.

I have no designs
on your girlfriend.

We work together,
and that's it.

I think you're a great guy
and she's a very lucky girl.

Well, that's good to hear.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Hey, Ted.

Johnny, where are you? You
got to get over here, man.

Why, what's going on?

Okay, so I'm having
a little impromptu thing

with some people
at my apartment.

And, John,
Sam Jones is here.

What?

Sam Jones.
Flash-fucking-Gordon is here.

Holy shit! What?

You remember I said my buddy's
cousin is friends with Sam Jones?

My buddy's in town
with his cousin,

and who do you think is with him?
Sam Jones.

Sam Jones is here,
and, John,

his hair is
parted down the middle.

Just like in the movie.

Yes. Get over here
right now.

Fuck, I can't!

I'm with Lori here.
I'm already on probation.

I can't.

John, Flash Gordon was the most important
influence of our formative years.

He taught us right from
wrong, good from evil.

And that the word
"acting" apparently

has an extremely
broad definition.

Flash Gordon is the symbol
of our friendship, John.

Come share this with me.

I'm coming.

Rex, I got to go.

I'll be back in 30 minutes,
tops, okay?

But Lori cannot find out. She
absolutely cannot know I was gone.

If you can cover for me, I'm
cool with all that other shit.

I got your back on this. She won't know.
I've been there.

All right, this is
one man to another.

I don't really know you, but
I'm trusting you, as a man.

This is serious.

Dude, one man to another.
I got you on this.

Thank you.
I'll be back.

I'm going to have sex
with your girlfriend.

Johnny, thank Christ
you made it.

Dude, I got 10 minutes.
Where's Flash Gordon?

Okay, get ready.

Hey, Sam, this is the guy
I was telling you about.

Flash!

Savior of the universe!

Flash!

He'll save every one of us!

Just a man
with a man's courage

He knows nothing but a man

But he can never fail

No one but the pure in heart
Can find the golden grail

How you doing?
Good to meet you.

I thank you for
saving every one of us.

Well, you're welcome.

He acknowledged it.

Let's do some shots.

With you?

Oh, my God, yes!
Oh, my God, yes!

Let's go!

Thanks, Flash.

There you go, my friend.
Thank you.

Death to Ming!

Yes!

You know,
you guys seem pretty cool.

You like to party?

Cocaine, right?

Come on, dudes.

Don't tell me you
never done it before.

Not recently, no.

I thought that was just
for people in Florida.

You better follow me.

Come on.

Johnny, I'm frightened.

We are going to
party like the '80s.

Show us how, Flash.

It's easy.

We just gotta nail a lot
of girls named Stephanie.

God, Johnny,
I got so much energy.

We better start
doing stupid shit.

Look, Johnny,
if we're ever going to

get serious about
opening a restaurant

we got to start
planning it now.

- Italian.
- Italian, yes.

- What's the special on Tuesdays?
- Eggplant parm.

Chopped salad,
half price.

And it's
a non-restricted place.

- Yeah. What do you mean?
- Anybody can come.

- Of course.
- Jews are welcome.

Well, yeah.
Why wouldn't they be?

Exactly,
that's what I'm saying.

Why even bring that up?

You don't bring it up,
you just let them in.

- Why mention it?
- No one will.

Why are we
talking about it?

You're talking about it.

I'm just saying,
let them in.

Let them in.
Right. Okay.

Exactly. Good.

No Mexicans, though.

This is how everybody
sang in the '90s.

- Trust me, I can do this.
- Shut up.

Let him try it, man.

All right, fuck it.

Go, go, go!

You son of a bitch!

Well, you never should have trusted me.
I'm on drugs.

Hey, Johnny,
I just had a great idea.

Let's go get drunk and puke
on cars from the overpass.

Come on, I do not sound
that much like Peter Griffin.

You can do any '90s
song with just vowels.

A-E-I-O-U

See? There, proof. Garfield's
eyes look like a pair of tits.

You were right.

If you can punch through this wall,
you really are Flash Gordon.

Are you going to do it?

I'm going to
punch through it.

- Come on, Sam, do it!
- Do it!

Oh, my God!

Yes! He did it!

What the hell you problem?

You break my wall!
I break you wall!

Break his arm off!

We're going to die.
We're all going to die.

Break this up,
break this up.

Get him!

You break my wall!
This my home long time.

You break my wall,
you bastard men.

We're sorry,
it was an accident, OK?

I try to make duck dinner,
now plaster everywhere.

Chill out. Can we
just talk about this?

What's your name?
I'm John.

My name is Wan Ming.

Ming?

You pay many dollar
for wall!

This bullshit!
This all bullshit!

Death to Ming!

Rape!

Sam, let him go.

You crazy!
You crazy, man!

Come on, James Franco.

You pay for wall!

Move, sucker!

Greatest night ever!

Hey.

Hey, Guy.

What's going on?

This is Jared.

He's the guy
who beat me up.

And we're in love.

Turns out I'm gay,
or whatever.

I had no idea.

Hey, Jared, let's go grab
another one of these.

How we doing, ace?

You coming down?

Yeah, I don't feel so good.

Give it a couple of hours.
You'll be golden, Ponyboy.

You want a Xanax?

Holy shit. Oh, my God.

What?

I got to go.

Lori, I...

Lori!

Lori, wait, please.

Look, I'm sorry,
I messed up...

John, I need you out of
the apartment tonight.

Can I... Just give
me the car keys.

Can I please just explain?
No.

Look, I was...

I have given up a huge
chunk of my life for you.

I was going to stop in for like five
minutes and then Flash Gordon...

Just give me
the car keys.

Lori.

Lori, please, I love you.

Johnny, there you are.
I had to get some air.

That guy from your office
is in there on the couch

making out with that
Van Wilder-looking guy.

You know what? Fuck you. I don't
even want to talk to you.

What?

Do you know
what just happened?

Do you have any clue?

My fucking life just ended!

Come on.
She'll go home,

she'll watch Bridget Jones
- something-asshole.

She'll have a good cry, she'll be fine.
You'll talk to her tomorrow.

Come on upstairs.
Are you even listening to me?

Do you give any
shred of a shit?

Of course I do, Johnny.

"Thunder buddies
for life," remember?

Jesus! Lori was right.

I should have stopped hanging
out with you a long time ago.

I'm never going to have
a life with you around.

I'm 35 years old
and I'm going nowhere.

All I do is smoke pot and watch
movies with a teddy-fucking-bear.

Because of that,
I just lost the love of my life.

Johnny, I'm...

I'm sorry.

I gotta be on my own,
Ted.

I can't see you anymore.

John, wait. Listen.

I love you!

So, word through the
grapevine is that you're

newly solo.

Rex, I have a lot of
work I need to get to.

I have tickets to Norah Jones
at the Hatch Shell tonight

and I would love it
if you would go with me.

You're asking me out a week
after I broke up with somebody?

Look, I'm going to
cut the shit, here.

Please.

This is the first time
that you've been single

in all the years
you've worked here.

Just go out with me
one time.

And if you're miserable
and you hate it

then I promise I will never
even hint at the subject again.

Please.

Rex, I don't think
it's smart.

I'm an asshole,
I know that.

It worked for me
in high school,

and it's been
a reflex ever since.

Lori,
the worst that can happen

is that you go on
a fun, casual date

with a guy who
just wants a chance

to prove that he can be
something more than a jerk.

Plus, you are a huge catch.

And it's about time someone
treated you that way.

Fuck it. Fine.

Fine. It sure as hell beats crying
myself to sleep every night.

And if that means
getting you off my back,

well, that's just a bonus.

I'll pick you up at 8:00.

Johnny. It's me.

Go away.

Johnny, open the door,
please, I want to talk.

Jesus Christ!
What the fuck, man?

Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know
you're pissed, all right?

But just listen to me
for five seconds.

I saw Lori leaving
the apartment with Rex.

What?

I'm serious, John.
I went over to talk to her

and maybe take some
of the heat off you.

And there he was,
picking her up.

They were going
to the Hatch Shell.

You're fucking unbelievable,
you know that?

How stupid
do you think I am?

If you think that by
making shit like that up

you're going to make me choose
some kind of loyalty to you

over her you're out
of your fucking mind.

Johnny, it's the truth,
I'm telling you.

You know what?
Get out of here.

You know what? You're acting like a cock.
You know that?

What? I'm acting
like a cock?

Yes, you are.

So shut your meat hole for
a second and listen to me.

Huh?
Meat hole? What?

That's not right,
is it? No.

"Pudding hole"?
Is that what they say?

No, it can't be
that either.

Because, "How can you have any
pudding if you don't eat your meat?"

Right? Pink Floyd.

Look, the point is,
you're blaming me

for something that
you did to yourself.

Lori was right about you.

You cannot take responsibility for
anything that goes on in your life.

Oh, and you can?

I don't have to.
I'm a fucking teddy bear.

You know something? I didn't tie
you up and drag you to that party.

I wanted you to come because
you're supposedly my best friend.

You can't stand there
and tell me

that you haven't always seen Lori
as a threat to our friendship.

It works out
so much better for you

when you and I are
getting fucked up

on the couch at 9:00
A.M., doesn't it?

Listen to yourself.

What am I? Emperor Ming,
here, controlling your mind?

That's your choice, John.

And by blaming me,
you, you're just

making yourself
look like a pussy.

Sometimes I think back to
that Christmas morning

when I was eight years old.

I wish I had just
gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.

Say that one more time.

Teddy Rux-fucking-pin!

Shit!

Fuck, man!

Fuck! Cocksucker!

Fucking stop! Fuck!

Why are you crying?

My dick is squished
by the TV.

I'm so sorry, Johnny.

So am I, man.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Listen.

You got to let me help you make
things right with you and Lori.

There's no putting things right.
She fucking hates me.

No, John.
We can get her back.

Look,

you remember
when you were 10,

and you hit that squirrel
with your BB gun?

And then when we saw
it fall from the tree,

we both started crying,
you remember?

And then we ran up to it

and we tried to give it CPR,
and it came back to life.

John, we could
do that again.

Ted,

we crushed its ribcage and blew out
its lungs trying to give it CPR.

It died.

Come on. We're going
to the Hatch Shell.

Yeah!

Thanks. We're going to
take a short break,

but we'll be
back in a few.

Play Chopsticks,
you jazzy slut.

Teddy!

How are you?

How are you doing,
you fuzzy little asshole?

Well, I'm not a hot,
half-Muslim chick

who sold 37 million records,
but I'm hanging in there.

Half-Indian, but thanks.

Yeah, whatever.
Thanks for 9/11.

Listen, I want you to meet a
good pal of mine, all right?

John Bennett, Norah Jones.

Hi, Norah Jones.

Hey, there, sweaty.

You ready to
bring down the house?

Yes, ma'am. Thank you for
the opportunity, Miss...

Ma'am Jones.

Thank you.

Jesus, you look fantastic.

Well, you're probably not used
to seeing me fully clothed.

I know, I mean, me and Norah met
back in 2002 at this event for

this charity that we
were both involved with.

This wonderful charity,
actually, for kids

who'd been fucked
by a family member.

And we... We ended up
hooking up in the back room.

Actually, you weren't so bad
for a guy with no penis.

You know, I have written so many
angry letters to Hasbro about that.

Thank you.

Now, I'm going to
give my chops a rest

and bring a friend up
to the stage.

He's going to sing a
song to a special lady

in the audience
who he loves very much.

Please give a big hand
to John Bennett.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit!

I gotta fuck her again.

Hi, my name is John Bennett,

and this is
for Lori Collins.

Because I love you.

This song always reminds me of the
most important night of my life.

The night we met.

This is the theme song
from the movie Octopussy.

All I wanted was a sweet
distraction For an hour or two

Had no intention to do

Still better
than Katy Perry.

Funny how it
always goes with love

When you don't look,
you find

But then
we're two of a kind

We move as one

We're an all time high

You suck,
get off the stage!

Come on.
Give him a chance.

Doing so much more

You're an asshole!

Than falling...

Oh, Jesus!

Someone call an ambulance!

That was insane.

Did you see the way the
guy's body hit the ground?

He was like a ragdoll.

Yeah, I'd rather
just not talk about it.

Do you want to go
get a drink after this?

I feel like I could use one
after seeing a guy almost die.

No, I think I'd rather just
have you take me home.

One drink.
Come on.

No, not really
feeling up to it.

All right, I get it.

And, you know,
I don't blame you.

I mean,
when you think about it,

it was actually really unfair of
him to embarrass you like that.

Just to be clear,
I'm not embarrassed.

Listen, John and I may have our
problems, but at least he tried.

You know what? I don't feel
like talking to you about this.

Where are you going?

Taking a cab.
I'm going home.

Finally.

Down here.

Not looking up your towel.
Swear to God.

Not looking up your towel. Not
looking at your funny business.

Ted, what are you
doing here?

I need to talk to you.

Listen, if you're here to fight
John's battles for him...

Look, just let me
talk first, all right?

And then you can
say whatever you want.

Look, John loves
you very much,

more than
anything in the world,

and he's falling to fucking
pieces without you.

He knows
he screwed up huge

but you've got to believe me,
it wasn't all his fault.

I told him to bail on you that
night at Rex's and he said, "No."

He said "no," he was going to stay there
with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori.

So, if you just give him
one more chance

I promise I will leave
and I'll never come back.

All right?
He'll be all yours.

Ted, that's
a really nice offer,

but I don't want
you to do that.

This is between John and me and
I don't think it can be fixed.

Yeah, because of me!

Look, Lori,
you want him to be a man.

But as long as
he's got his teddy bear,

he's always going to
be a boy.

He's waiting down
at Charlie's right now.

So, if you go down there
and just talk to him

I'll be gone
when you get back.

Forever.

And, you'll see,

he'll never be
scared of thunder again.

"Michelob Ultra
Tuscan Orange Grapefruit."

My God,
America is imploding.

Hi, Ted.

Fuck!

Lori, what...

Hey.

What are you doing here?

You can thank Ted.

Should I sit?

Yeah, if you want.

Okay.

So, work's good?
Everything good, there?

Yeah. Yeah, work's good.

I guess we can't make
small talk all day, huh?

If it's okay with you, I just
want to say what I want to say.

I could sit here and
tell you I'm sorry,

it was a huge
misunderstanding,

and I'm ready to change,

but I don't think you want
to hear any of that crap.

I'm not going to try to
get you to take me back.

Why would you?

I've been a really shitty boyfriend
for the last four years.

I don't deserve you.

I know I didn't take our
relationship seriously but, Lori,

I do love you more
than life itself.

All I want is... I just
want to end on good terms.

I owe that to you.

I want you to be happy.
You deserve that.

And I just hope that maybe
we can still be friends.

Thank you for
being so honest.

That's pretty much it.

Thanks for coming by.

Yeah, as you can see

you've been a part of our
family for quite some time.

Welcome home.

Yeah, it's kind of
funny, actually.

I got a lot of pictures of
you guys at my house.

Is he all mine, Daddy?

Yes, he is, my little winner.
Yes, he is.

Ted, you've arrived
at a lucky time.

It's almost
Robert's play hour.

Yeah, I'm guessing you guys
don't have a PS3.

I'm guessing you're more of a "wooden
horse with a wig" kind of family.

Yeah.

No. Yeah. No.

Yeah.

Yeah, see,
there's the guy.

Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now, okay?
You do as he says.

You think you're just going to
get away with a kidnapping?

That's a nice fucking
example you're setting...

Language!

Sorry. Sorry.

You know, Ted,
when I was a little boy,

I saw you on television.

And I thought you were
the most amazing,

most wonderful thing
I'd ever seen. Ever.

And I asked my dad if I could have
a magical little teddy bear, too.

And he said, "No."

Can you just email me
the rest of this story?

And I was so heartbroken.

And I promised myself that
if I ever had a son,

I would never,
ever, ever say no to him.

Ever.

Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every
once in a while wouldn't hurt.

Me and Ted are going
to be best friends, Daddy.

Yes, you are,
my little chipmunk.

Happy playtime.

Jesus fucking Christ!

I said a bad word
one time.

Daddy punished me
for it.

That's a great story.
I felt like I was there.

Daddy gave me an ouch.

Now, I have to
give you an ouch.

All right, kid, you win.
We'll do it your way.

What do you want to do?
You want to play a game?

It's playtime, right?
We'll play a game.

Yeah, I want to
play a game.

Good, good. Let's see.
How about we...

How about we play a little
game of hide and seek?

I love hide and seek.
I'll hide.

Now, hang on a sec, there.

Your dad likes you to show good manners.
Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?

Okay. You hide first.

Great. Fantastic.

Okay, now you count to 100, and
then you try to find me, okay?

Okay.

Do I need to wash my hands
before I play this game?

No. That's a weird fucking question.
No, just start counting.

One, two,

three, four, five,

six, seven...

No peeking, now,
or you'll get kid cancer.

...eight, nine, ten,

eleven, twelve,
thirteen...

Hey.

Hey.

You walking home
alone, huh?

Yeah.

Do you need a lift?

Oh, I'm okay.

If I get raped, it'll be my
fault for what I'm wearing.

Listen, John.

There's something that I
need to say to you, too.

Hey.
Hey.

John, I hope that...

Listen, I don't want
you to think that...

Sorry.

I want us to keep talking
because I think that maybe...

Go ahead.

Whoever this is,
it's not a good time.

John, it's me.
Can you hear me?

Ted? Listen,
I got to call you back.

No, John, don't hang up!
I'm in trouble.

What do you mean?
What kind of trouble?

They got me. That freaky
guy from the park,

and that kid who I
think is his son,

but may also be his lover,
I don't know.

Slow down.
Where are you?

I'm not sure, it's...

Hello? Hello, John?

Hello?

You're not a very
polite guest, are you?

Shit!

Ted, hello? Ted?

What's the matter?
Is he okay?

I don't know.
Where is he?

I don't know. He just
said he was in trouble.

Can you call him back?

No, it's blocked.

Wait a second.

Go. Take Columbus to Herald
and get on the expressway.

You put us in
quite a pickle here.

We have to go now.

Yeah. Good idea.

You F-ing A-hole.

We tried to make do
with other teddy bears,

but none of them
were you, Ted.

Hello, 911?

I need the police
right away.

This guy took
my teddy bear.

Hello?

Let me out of here,
you crazy bastard!

I hear the fat kid running.
I hear the fat kid running.

I hear the fat kid running.
I hear the fat kid running.

I bet it's hilarious.
Let me out of here!

I am a citizen of
the United States of America

and I have rights!

Robert, seatbelt.

It should be
right here, somewhere.

Johnny!

Stop, stop!
That's them, turn around!

Stay with them.

Hang on!

Back off, Susan Boyle!

Oh, my God! He's going to jump!
Get closer.

All right, easy.
Come on, Ted.

Shit!
Yes!

Hey, Johnny!
Total T. J. Hooker, right?

Yes! Fucking-A right!

Oh, shit!

Go! Go! Go!

Daddy!

Let's see how well
you know these streets.

Where is he?

Jesus!

There he is.
Pull over.

Where?

No!

You can't have
my teddy bear!

Holy shit.

Sorry.

Somebody had to go Joan
Crawford on that kid.

Come on.

Ted?

Oh, my God!

Shit!

Jesus.

Stay here. Just stay there!
No, John!

You're mine, Ted!

Screw you, pal.
I belong to John Bennett.

But I can give you love,
and rocking horses,

and dancing.

I think we're very
far apart on this.

Ted!
Johnny!

Oh, my God!

Ted!

John.

Lori, get the stuffing.
Get it all.

Johnny.

You're going to be okay, buddy.
Do you understand?

You're going to be fine.

Jesus, I look like
the robot from Aliens.

No, look at me, buddy.

I promise,
you're going to be okay.

I don't think so. I'm...

I'm in trouble.

I need...

I need to
tell you something.

What is it?

Don't ever lose her again.

She's the most important...

the most important
part of your life.

Even more than me.

She's your
thunder buddy now.

She's...

I got it.

Baby, I don't know if
this is going to work.

Please, just try.

Come on, buddy.

I'm so sorry.

You did everything
you could.

I'm so sorry.

Ted!

I'm alive, Johnny!

Oh, my God!

I'm alive.
Your magical wish worked!

You're back!

Yeah, I mean,
when you sewed me up

you put some of the stuffing
in the wrong places

so I'm a little fucked up.

But will you take care of me
forever and ever?

I'm just kidding you. I
thought it would be funny

if you thought
I was fucking retarded.

You asshole!

Come here, you bastard.

Welcome back, Ted.

It was you.

You did it.

Son of a bitch!

You wished for
my life back.

No. No.

I wished for my life back.

I love you.

I love you, too.

And I want you to know that,
after last night

I don't ever want to lose anyone
who matters to me ever again.

I'm not going to wait any
longer for my life to start.

Lori,

will you marry me?

All I ever wanted
was you, John Bennett.

And so John, Lori and Ted
lived happily ever after.

Having discovered at last, that all
they really needed was each other.

John and Lori were
married in Cambridge

by a very special
Justice of the Peace.

By the power vested in me

by the New York Jets

and by the united peoples
of the planet Mongo,

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride,
Johnny.

Hi. Tom Skerritt.

Tom Skerritt! Wow!

Thanks so much for coming.

My daughter better be alive,
you sick son of a bitch.

I am so fake-happy
for her.

You know, Sam, there's only
one way to end a perfect day.

What's that?

Flash jump.

Right.

One, two, three!

Yeah!

And that's the story
of how one magical wish

forever changed the lives
of three very special friends.

Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their
torrid love affair for quite some time.

One afternoon, Ted was caught
behind the deli counter

eating potato salad off of
Tami-Lynn's bare bottom.

He was instantly
promoted to store manager.

Sam Jones moved
back to Hollywood

with the goal of
restarting his film career.

He currently
resides in Burbank

where he shares
a studio apartment

with his roommate,
Brandon Routh.

Remember Brandon Routh from
that God-awful Superman movie?

Jesus Christ!

Thanks for getting our hopes up
and taking a giant shit on us.

Rex was forced to give up
his pursuit of Lori.

Not long afterward, he fell
into a deep depression

and died of
Lou Gehrig's disease.

Donny was arrested
by Boston police

and charged with
kidnapping a plush toy.

The charges were dropped
when everyone realized

how completely stupid
that sounded.

Robert got a trainer, lost a
substantial amount of weight

and went on to become

Taylor Lautner.