Taxi 2 (2000) - full transcript

Left! 3rd!

Here's Jean-Louis Schlesser
in his mean machine,

Proudly bearing the number 10,
like soccer star Zidane

30 meters, then left and brake!

World rally champion in both '98 and '99...

...winner of the Paris - Dakar rallye:
He's the man to beat!

Left, top speed!

Hey Jean-Louis, get a move on!
We're about to get slaughtered!

I'm pedal to the metal!

The guy behind must have a
longer pedal then! Watch out!

That asshole's actually flashing me!
Isn't that Vatanen?



Err... no, it's a taxi!

Are you gonna move your trash away or not?
You know, I'm working here!

You're sure we're one the right road?

Don't worry, it's a short cut!

A short cut...?

Are you gonna allow a TAXI to pass you?

No freakin' way!

I don't believe this! Sorry, folks,
there's some tourist holding up traffic!

Looks more like a race car to me...!

Nah, just some jerk showing off
with a couple o' race stickers...

You know, a taxi on our tail will sure
look bad at the finish line!

Don't worry, there's an opening...
I'll shake him off!

D'you see that?
That asshole rammed me!

I'm gonna have to pass him
or we'll be here all week!



Don't worry honey, we're almost there!

Why... why are there so many people here?

Of course they are!
They're on vacation!

Aah, I see...!

Go, Jean Louis!
Bravo, Jean Louis!

And here's number 10...
It's NOT Schlesser...!

It's a... taxi...

I didn't catch his number...

17 min, 25 sec!

As always, the passengers throw up
after, never during the ride...

Are you alright, honey?

Who's the patient?

She is! Her waters broke!

Allow me.

But you're giving birth here!

What did you think?
I ain't knitting!

Fetch me my gear!
No time to lose, we'll do it right here!

Hey doc, I'm sorry but I gotta run!
Plus my seats are brand-new...

...can't you just do it in the road?

Sir! Her waters broke!

"Her garters broke...?"

Push!

Breathe! Breathe!
Now push! Push!

Oh hi Lily, what's up?

The family dinner, remember?
With MY folks? You're half an hour late!

I'll be there ASAP!

Daniel, after 6 months I found the
courage to show you my dad...

And now that he's expecting you,
you're taking a road trip?

But this is a super-big emergency!
It's top-octane!

What do you consider my folks then?
Diesel?

Oh Lily, come on!

Mom's so edgy that she dropped the roastbeef, dad's
pacing the floor... but hey, take your time!

Lily, sorry but I can't come any faster.
I'm stuck tight here!

What do you mean, "stuck"?
Who's that yelling?

Err... it's... it's a woman...

Thanks, I recognize a woman
even if she sounds like a donkey!

What are you doing exactly, Daniel?

Nothing, I'm just watching here!
It's not what you think! You hear me?

I can hear that bitch alright!

Tell me, is it someone I know?

No! And anyway, I don't know her either!
I swear I've never seen her before!

Oh, yes I feel it now...!
I CAN FEEL IT...!

Hey, are you fucking with me?

You're banging some slut in your taxi
when I want you to meet my parents?

Not at all! There's this fat woman,
yelling because her garters broke...

...and her husband is holding her...!

What, her husband, too?
A threesome in a car?

Oh, dear...! Can someone please explain
to her because I don't think I can...

You here!
This is your fault so give it your best!

Hello m'am, I'm the husband...
...and it's just wonderful...

Come on, push!

Listen, Lily...!

Give me his number Daniel,
I'll forward it to the morgue...!

He's shaken 'cause he's dropped the big
pin, do you want to talk to the doctor?

What, there's a doctor, too?

Lily, I swear it's the truth!

There...!

- Oh, the baby's coming out!
- Push!

It's a baby.
I swear it's a baby, Lily!

Baby?

Well yes, I can see the head!
At least I think it's a head...!

You made a baby in my back?

Of course not!

He doesn't look at all like me, I swear!
He's as wrinkly as an old garden gnome!

There...

Oh, it's wonderful...!

- You're getting me confused here...
- Just listen for a second!

This woman was ready to have her baby boy,
but instead of giving birth IN the clinic...

...she had him IN FRONT
of the clinic, in MY taxi!

And now she's ruined my back seat!

Hey, don't hit that poor kid,
what's he done to you!

Finally, we'll be able to talk!

It's marvellous!

Next time you're at a childbirth,
I hope it'll be mine!

No problem Lily, I can sit here and wait
if you like. This clinic looks just fine.

You have 10 minutes to get over here!

You're done, no twins for today?
Can we wrap up, doc? I really gotta run!

Ah there you are, hon!
What's wrong, a problem with your friend?

It's nothing, an emergency at the hospital.
A difficult childbirth.

I understand. Saving lives all day
like that... It deserves respect!

I don't know what to say.
You were just awesome!

I know!

I hope you won't lose your license
after taking all those risks...

Don't worry sir,
I don't have a license!

I am quite pleased...
actually moved, even...

to hand you your... first...

driver's... license!

- Are you sure?
- Oh yeah, absolutely!

But I feel like I'm
twisting your arm here...

Oh no, there can be no doubt about it!
It was very, very good!

I know it's my 27th attempt
but that shouldn't be a reason...!

Oh no no no... you know, your 100th
attempt would still be the same!

You're ready... really ready.

Ok, I accept.

That's VERY good.

I'll just back out, then.

NOOO!!!

Leave it!
No touching!! Leave it!

I'll do it! I'll sort it out!

Exactly! We'll sort it out!

Thanks for trusting me...
So I got my license, yes or no?

Oh yes... yesyesyes you do!

But don't go to extremes, ok?
You have to take it slowly, see?

That license, you're HOLDING it.
And now you're gonna WALK home, see?

I see. Ok, I'll take it.
I'll call tomorrow in case you regret it.

Oh no you won't! I'm not here tomorrow...
will ever be, actually.

I've asked for a transfer,
I'm moving to Paris!

Oh I see...
So this is a leaving present?

You're still my most assiduous pupil!

Yeah, right... "assiduous"!

Car Weekly, please.

No no, that's ok.
It's my pleasure!

Mom, he's here! Mom!

Oh...? Yes!
Yes, of course! Let's eat!

I'm sorry Lily, it won't happen again.

If you screw up there won't be a next time!
My dad won't give you a second chance.

Oh, come on.
I'm sure he's nice deep down inside.

How else could he have made a daughter
with such beautiful blue eyes!

Go on, keep smirking...
You just better be careful!

Don't worry, It'll be fine. I love him
already so why shouldn't he like me?

- Hey... I hope he's not a cop?
- No!

Well there's no problem, then!
Ain't nothing worse than a cop!

Dad? I'd like you to meet
my boyfriend, Daniel.

So you're a doctor?

Go on... and good luck!

So pleased to meet you!
Lily told me so much... only nice things!

Is your hearing impaired or
you don't like to answer questions?

I'm not a physician...
An apprentice! I'm an apprentice, sir!

What year?

1st year... I mean,
I'm just about to change into 2nd!

2nd year?

- You don't look so young, though.
- Edmond!

What, "Edmond"?
I'm just inspecting a new recruit here!

Answer me!

You're right sir, I'm not young anymore
because I've worked a lot of jobs...

...to feed my family
and pay for my licens... studies.

I started when I was 12 so of course
it made me age faster...

What jobs?

Right now I'm driving a tax... ambulance!
An ambulance!

That's why I was late,
I got delayed at the clinic!

But that's ok, it keeps me on the edge.
An eye on the road, an eye on the patient!

Doing 2 things at once, isn't that
the surest way to fail them both?

Excuse me, sir, but I have to disagree.
Indeed, just look at yourself!

Oh? What do you mean?

I can see a lot of decorations there...

...proving you've had a successful career.

And I see this young women... pretty,
intelligent and very well-educated.

This clearly proves that you successfully
managed to do 2 things at once.

I drove an ambulance, too.
It was in '59, in Algeria.

An eye on the road,
an eye on the machine gun!

We'll see to the wounded later...
...if they're still alive!

Edmond? My roast beef may be dead,
but it still needs treatment!

Affirmative! I'm starving! Forward!

The worst is still ahead of you:
Paying attention to 3 hours of war stories!

Don't worry, I'm shifting to neutral gear.
I'll just be gently coasting along!

I hope I didn't hurt you?

Not at all.

Oh good, because I thought I heard
your hip crack and... OUCH!

Guess it was MY hip then!

Sorry Émilien. You want 5 minutes?

No no, I'm ok... doing great!

I just took a bad posture because
I was afraid to hurt you... but it'll pass.

Actually it's past already,
I'm just fine!

I would've massaged it for you...
but if you tell me you're fine... great!

I'm fine on the surface, yes...

but deep down, there's still
a little pain, some stiffness...

So maybe a little massage...
just a small one!

OK, guys, we'll finish today with
a little fight for 5 minutes...

Bow!

Would you like someone at your level?

Oh no, I'll be ok.

- Fight!
- But I really don't want to hurt you...

I'm really touched by
your concern, Émilien.

So you want a piece of me?

I'm warning you. I started at the age of 4.
I'm going to teach you a thing or two!

That's unfair! Your smile could melt a
radiator, how am I supposed to concentrate?

A guy in the street wouldn't smile at you.
Seriously, it's perturbing!

Ok listen up, you sumos!

Red alert!
We're meeting with the chief in 5 minutes!

What's wrong Émilien?
Did you lose your lenses?

Yeah, but I can see you well enough
to kick your ass so FUCK OFF!

You know, I'm just trying to help!

Tell me, you done a lot of judo?

Nah, only a couple of times.
It's not my kind of sport.

What is your kind of sport then?

Karate. It's far more effective!

Mine's ping pong... maybe not as good to
fight, but hey, the spirit is the same:

Spirit of Rising Sun!

Con-nichon-aah!

See, it's easy. "Con"...
"consummate idiot" like Emilien!

Thank you...

Then, "nichon" like -
("nichon" = "boob")

I'm not saying this for you, Petra. I know
you have... uh, it's just an example!

And "a" as in "aaaah"!
Con-nichon-aah!

Now, you.
Con-nichon-a!

Not bad.

What's it mean, exactly?

That's "hello" in Japanese.

Remember that, because today
we're welcoming in Marseille

the Japanese Minister of Defence.

Mr Tefu... Temuchila...

Mr Tef... Tejus.. let's just call him the
Nip! The nip's flying directly from Tokyo.

And before the Franco-Japanese summit
the day after Bastille Day in Paris

...he's visiting our charming town.
You know why?

The climate?

The sights?

Sure, the sights...

The food?

The pastis?

The soccer match on Saturday!

What a big bunch of nerds!

To visit our anti-gang training base!

The Japs have a problem with their local
mob, the jacuzzis... Yakuza.

Who are growing bigger every day,
even kidnapping members of the government!

The Defense Minister has visited
England, Germany and now... France.

Let's get one thing clear:

The Krauts and the Limeys
must not win the contract!

We whipped their ass during the last
Soccer World Cup, let's keep the title!

So I've planned
a detailed operation,

that I'll now present.

I've baptised it...

Operation...

...Ninja!

We're almost through,
he's out of ammo!

When suddenly... no more ammo!

Guess that's only natural
after all that shooting...

Yeah, only natural.

I then I turn to Raymond.
Here he is.

I shake him!

"Raymond, your ammo!" I say.
No answer!

I shake him again!
Then...

he falls sideways. Dead!

That's terrible!

My whole unit is wiped out!

I am still standing.
Alone. The car's on fire...

...the radio's gone...
My flask is half-empty!

Oh no, that's terrible!
So, what did you do?

Well I prayed!

And rightly so, Edmond!

First because it was all I could do.
Second, because only a miracle'd save me!

A miracle! We're saved!

Oh no! Now what? Get that, hon,
can't you see I'm in battle!

Edmond, it's the red phone!

The red phone?
Excuse me.

General Bertineau speaking.

It's you Bertrand?
Why are you calling on the red phone?

Well done, Daniel.
You'll get dessert!

My god! I completely forgot!

No problem. I'll be there!

It's a catastrophy.

We'll save you some coffee!

I'll be back in 1 hour!

I want you. Right now.

Give me 20 seconds, ok?

To the airport, and fast!

Won't be easy!

It's a catastrophy.

Dad!

Dad! You OK? You're hurt?

It's a catastrophy.

I'm afraid your car'll be kinda slow now!

I must be at the airport in 15 minutes
to greet Japan's Defense Minister.

It's a catastrophy.

If you want I'll get you there in time.

In 15 minutes? Impossible.

I can do it, sir!

Fasten your seatbelt, dad.
Please.

That's your ambulance?

No sir, it's a taxi.

My brother loaned it to me.

Can you save me some dessert?

I'm saving you two...

Maybe we should get going now!

And here we go!

Don't worry, we're crawling 'cause
of these tires but they'll soon warm up!

Yeah but don't overheat, son!

Now look, kid.
This is the new Cortex 500.

It's the Rolls Royce of speed traps!

You turn it on in the back,
the read out is immediate at the front!

Then, you go to the roadside.

You put your arm out ever so slightly...

But I think you better get
trained on the old model first.

Are we already on the highway?

No... but don't worry,
I can finally put the hammer down!

No wonder you work in the emergency room!

It's a catastrophy.

Chief! We got a bite!

Shit, that's a big one!

306?

I think it was rather a 406 model.
And not from a regular factory!

I mean 306 km/h, you moron!
Warn the bikers!

Yes?

A white taxi at 306 km/t, I repeat...

- ...306 km/h, 306!
- That's it, 306...

OK, we'll get him!

Are you OK, sir?

There! It's him!
He's landing!

I must get there first to greet him!

Let's change tactics, then!

Where are you going?
This isn't the road!

Don't worry, it's a short cut!

Hold on!

I have a UFO on runway 1!

"Yield to aircraft."

We have just landed at Marignal.
Outside temperature: 35 degrees.

We hope you enjoyed your flight
and thank you for flying with us!

Excuse me, Chief, there's a taxi's coming.

What? Can't hear a thing
with all that noise!

I repeat: Taxi inbound.

But I never ordered a taxi.
Did you, Émilien?

No, but I know this one!

14 minutes 30!

That's great.

Bertineau, why the taxi?

We lost a vehicle, sir.
This young man quasi saved my life.

Con-nichon-aah!

Hello!

What'd he say?

Same as you, chief!

Oh jeez...!

Err.. Me, Gibert. Me protect you
during your vacat... err, stay.

This is our own Minister.
Say hi... that's him...

Dear Minister!
What a pleasure to meet you...

I'm honored to welcome you here.

I'm a member of your security team.

We wish you a nice stay.

You speak Japanese very well!

A little.
If I can help in any way, just ask.

Pleased to meet you.

Only the blonde girl speaks Japanese.

I copy. Go back to base.

Allow us to offer you a cocktail!
This way, please.

Petra, you should've told me that you speak
Japanese! Now I feel like an idiot!

But it's written on my file!
Right below my measurements...

Guess I never read that far, then...

Please do me a favor, son.

See that taxi over there?

Sure I do!

Oh, I'd love to give you a ride, honey,
but I'm busy. Maybe next time?

Always in the right place, eh?

Oh stop it. Know who that guy was?

Sure! General Bertineau,
Commander of the Med. Basin...

- ...and Lily's dad!
- No shit!

- I swear! I was there for lunch.
- That's unbelievable!

Just my luck... you know
that I can't stand the army!

Well you couldn't stand
cops either, but now...

...I still can't stand them!
I can stand you, that's all!

Anyway, don't know what you're
worrying about. He seems to like you...

he even asked me to go get
you for the cocktail!

A cocktail... with half cops, half soldiers?
It's not a cocktail, it's a nightmare!

Guess you'd prefer half mechanics,
half gas station attendants? Oh, come on.

You know, the small talk
is the same everywhere:

Cars, sports and chicks!
You'll fit in fine.

Except I'll feel ashamed to be there!

Listen... if Bertineau is Lily's father...

...he might end up as
Daniel's father-in-law, right?

What will Daniel's father-in law
think if you say no?

One drink, no more.

- "Martini"?
- Yeah, Martine, like my sister!

Alright, one last for the road...
You can't get any worse, anyway!

Thanks!

Sure, the "gâteau" is good, it's locally
made. Right next to the police station.

Gibert...

Excuse me. Just empty it,
I'll fetch you another one!

Listen Gibert, don't get him too stewed,
he still needs to sign the contract!

Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.
I'm just softening him up a bit...

...he's nearly done, now!

But is your plan "done"?

Sir, it's hearsed and rehearsed to death!

It's fine-tuned... to the second.

My daughter told me a lot about you,
but you're not what I had imagined...

No offense meant, but for a bright
2nd-year medical student...

...I expected you to be a bit more...

Pimply?

"Pimply", yes... and a slower driver!

Yes, he's definitely the
"fastest" doctor I know!

Anyway, I'm very grateful indeed.
I owe you... a military debt!

Ask me for anything, except for
the hand of my daughter, of course!

Of course not...!
But I can't think of anything else.

My offer is valid for 1 year,
parts and labor!

Excuse me...

Go ahead.

Émilien, start Operation Ninja.

Get in position. Petra,
keep an eye on him!

Why'd he say that?

I didn't know you had
plenty of friends with the cops?

Friends, friends... yeah one, maybe.

Good! That's very rare.
Most kids today are anti-cops,

anti-army, anti-everything!
They want to kill the father figure.

Sir, I'm sorry but
my patients are waiting.

Wait! Just 5 more minutes.
You'll find this very interesting.

They'll try to sell a car to the JAPS?

"Impossible" is not a French word!

Dear friends, I give you... the "Cobra"!

Specially designed to protect
visiting dignitaries.

Titanium bodywork.

Multiple side panels,
that can resist any bullet!

Missile detectors, front and back!

And the coating: Stealth!

Four solid tires! It's permanently linked
to the Atlas satellite...

and if need be, can be piloted...
from our HQ!

Now for the engine...

Ninja!

- Nice noise! It sings, for a V12.
- V12 engine, twin turbos. Voice-activated!

Top speed: 320 km/h!

Range: 900 km.
Paris-Marseille.

2 airbags in the front, 2 in the back,
4 at the sides...

a total of 8 for maximum protection.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this car is like France:

It's indestructible!

Err, that's just 'cause we set
the airbags to "ultra-sensitive"...

but when it's set to "normal",
well, it's normal!

Did you see the balloons?

Note that it would be very useful
to stop thieves!

Get him out! Hold on to his head.

Tell him not to worry,
it's just a matter of fine-tuning!

He's not worried, he needs
to go to the restrooms!

- Bertrand, go with him.
- Yes, sir.

We're fine, sir. Once we deflate
the airbags, it'll be as good as new.

Can you reinflate him, too?
Who's gonna drive your "Cobra", now?

Sir, I have a young civilian driver.
He's very good, fast and precise.

I'll vouch for him.

Oh no...

Banco!

Before your tour of the town I'll show
you our latest computing innovation.

Gimme that!

Here, wear this.

But it'll cramp my style!

Don't worry, this baby's
so easy to drive...

even a cretin wearing mitts could do it!
Take him away, lads!

No no, that's OK.

See? I told you!

Never mind, it's on the back,
nobody will see it.

Go on now! Ninja!

Great, but how do you stop it?

You just have to say "nip!"

Ninja!

It's easy as pie. We prepared a
demonstration... Get it? With fake attacks!

Like a ghost train?

Exactly like that.
We must impress the nip!

Ninja!

Above all, don't worry.
Just allow things to happen.

If the nip...

Ninja!

Could you stop playing when I'm talking?

It's not my fault if you keep saying "nip"!

NINJA!

- Great!
- Yeah, not bad.

Sir, if you please, we shall now
escort you to your hotel.

ALL ABOARD!

Hello!

We're up shit creek again...

Forward!

They're here.

On this road.
Everything is as planned.

Very good, Katano.
Let me hear them.

Spring Roll, please copy.

Spring Roll, come in!

Hey, Spring Roll, come in!

Hep Émilien, come in!

Spring Roll, d'you hear me?

Loud 'n' clear.

We just left, on our way to the first trap.
Gonna take us at least 20 mins.

OK. Guys, we got 20 mins.
Get warmed up!

What about us?
What can we do for 20 minutes?

I don't know, do you have any ideas?

Yeah, but 20 centimeters...
err, minutes is too short!

Oh yeah? So, we need an idea,
we could start now...

and finish later...

Yes, with my idea that'd work fine!

But... I too... have an idea,

I'm sure... you'll really like it.

Oh yeah? Maybe it's the same one?

That'd be marvelous!

It... it would be ideal!
Go on, you say first...

Make the most of these few
quiet moments... to...

...learn Japanese!

Aah... guess it wasn't the same idea...!

'Fraid not!

He won't see much of Marseille.

Sorry, he's suffering from jetlag.

May I ask... why your boss
is here in Marseille?

To sign very big contract
and see anti-gang method.

He'll sure see that!

You know method?

Sure I do!

First, the Suspect.

He is probably guilty since he's a suspect.
If he's a foreigner, he'll be doubly suspect!

Then there's the Guilty.
A foreign, tanned suspect... he's dead.

If he's tanned, it means he's been
sun-bathing and does nothing all day.

And if he doesn't work, he's a suspect!
So, he's guilty. No flaws in that logic!

That boy, is he any good?

Very good. He's a doctor
and a friend of my daughter's.

They won't tell me but I think
they've been flirting a bit.

It's only natural, at their age.

Quite.

Next, to make the guilty party confess
one uses the Questioning!

That's simple too.
You apply a trilogy... like "Star Wars"!

Episode 1: Beat 'em!
Good, healthy exercise!

Episode 2: Tax 'em!
To raise some cash for Christmas!

Episode 3: Get drunk!
To celebrate this!

I'm pleased to see some kids are still
respecting our values and traditions.

He'd be a good son-in-law.

You think so?

Many gangs in France?

Yeah! The most dangerous one is the "Pigs".
They have over 100'000 members!

They're easy to spot:
A whistle, wearin' blue and holdin' a beer!

Ok, now turn left, towards the port.

My pleasure, chief.

He also sounds very polite.

Affirmative. Courteous, too.

Oh yeah... polite to your face...
and shafting you from behind!

Like in the souk.
A big smile as they steal your cash!

But don't worry, I've got my eye on him.

May I ask question you?

I'm only starting in the police,
but hey, try me.

What means word that
captain uses often: "nip"?

Why'd he stop? Told you, gotta watch'em!

What's going on?

Just a simultaneous translation problem!
Ninja!

Cut the crap, ok? We're getting
to the meeting point in... well, now.

Don't worry, that's normal!

Total red alert!

Oh shit...! There's a missile
looking straight at me, is that normal?

Missile? What missile?

Hop!

The Atlas real-time missile diverter.
It's unique! The Limeys won't get the ball!

Impressive, but where is
the missile flying now?

Don't worry. Somewhere far out at sea.

Shit, my boat!

And now, the climax of our show.

Impressive!

Very good work, Gibert.

Thank you sir, I'm finally able to try out
all my toys at last. That's so nice!

Roadhog!

OK son, the coast is clear.

Ninja!

Very impressive.

You know, you get used to it.

Just an average day in Marseille!

I see.

Your mouthing is improving,
but your accent isn't!

Oh...?

Spring Roll, Spring Roll, do you copy?

Yeah, fine. Are we there yet...
I mean, how far are you?

We completed the first attack.
Be with you in 5 min, are you ready?

Err... yeah, yeah.

Petra and I were checking a few things out,
everything is set now.

Émilien, Gibert here.
Émilien, I'm counting on you!

Oh yes you can count on me, Petra...
Err I mean...!

You can count on Petra, chief!

Count on Petra!

Count on Petra, chief!

Go! Get the Minister!

What the fuck...?
Dammit, I told you to warm up!

Yeah, we're hot...

- Gibert will kill you guys! Now go warm up!
- I'll leave you guys for a second!

I'll go with you Petra...
you never know...

Hey, can't you read?

It says "green light"!
Get a move on, you fag!

Oh shit!

Now turn left. I repeat, left.

Yes, chief. I repeat, chief!

The Minister says that you drive well.

But I'm not even moving!

It freaks me out not to hear the engine!
An engine has to speak to me!

Are you putting in earplugs now?
Do I talk too much?

Nein! This is a miniature ear transmitter.

It's brand new! I'm on Channel 1.

But how do we talk?

Émilien...
I know you French aren't used to it...

but an order is to be obeyed,
not discussed!

Yeah, but if you have a
problem, what do I... do...?

How do I know if you can hear me?

Aah... 1 bang means yes, 2 means no!

Do you mind if we keep chatting?

That's good, 'cause...

The closed door
makes it easier to talk to you.

I don't dare to say
everything to your face.

You eyes trouble me.
They're so...

...so blue!

Now what's Spring Roll up to?

What's going on, Gibert?

Don't worry, it's in code...

I just can't find the translation!

When your eyes look at me... I mean, wow!
Nobody ever looked at me like that...

well, maybe when I had my back turned...

Is that part of method?

You bet it is! That's Daniel's method!

It's good to talk to you...
to open my heart to you.

You don't mind too much?

Petra?

Should I go on, then?

I don't get this code!

Have you noticed that...
I'm much closer to you now?

What do you mean, "no"?

Ahh, that's better!

Ok, Petra, I'll say something
you may find shocking...

Here goes...

I bet it'll be stupid...!

Well... Petra, ever since I met you...

I love you!

Well done, Émilien!

See, I told you!

There, I said it!

Now put me out of my misery:
Is it mutual? So...

1 bang: Yes, 2 means no.

Hey Émilien, change channels to talk dirty!
Some people are working here!

Daniel? Turn left here, son.

Yes, poppy!

He's not one of us.

That's for sure.
He's not one of us.

Why are you stopping here?
Go on, go on! Ninja!

Sorry to sound pessimistic,
but something smells fishy.

"Smell fishy"? I don't smell a thing!
Do you smell something, sir?

Isn't that strange how those trucks are parked,
exactly leaving room for a car to pass!

No, there's no trap. I checked the map,
I'm the one who made it. No trap here!

So move it!

If you say so...

I should know.

Oh deary me, a trap...!

Now what's he up to?

On what page are we?

But that's not on my list, that is...!

Hats off to this one!

And I'm glad it's not my taxi!

Petra! Petra!

What happened? Where's the nip?

Well some Ninjas!... came
and the Minister went...

What? He didn't fly away?

Yes he did! And at that speed
he must be on his way to Mars!

Just ask the Atlas satellite.
It must've spotted him!

RED ALERT!!!

Stop! Police!

Shit!

Complex town, huh?

There are only small streets!
The jail cells aren't bigger, either!

Lie down flat there!
I'm a crack shot so no tricks!

Me warn you: Me shoot!

Spread out!

So that's how you wanna play it?
All right!

Awww, now where are they?
They didn't fly away as well, did they?

Where's Émilien?
Émilien?

Émilien!

The way I know him,
he's probably near the garbage.

Chief, I was this close to getting 'em,
but I was outnumbered!

Émilien, they took the Minister!

Which one?

The nip, of course! Ours is useless...
It's a disaster!

Yeah, and they got Petra, too.

Oh...? Good!
She speaks Japanese, he'll be less alone.

Lily, I swear I'm on my way.
Your dad made me stay!

But it's been 2 hours, not 20 seconds!
I'm hot all over now!

- All over?
- Yeah, all over!

I'm gonna catch fire soon...!

Listen Lily, just watch
a documentary, it'll calm you!

Gimme 5 minutes.

Can't hold that long...

4 minutes then! Émilien!

It's all my fault. Shouldn't have
let her go to the john alone!

You should gone with her...!

I thought of that! I did. But...

Finished scratching about yet?
It's been an hour, d'you find anything?

There were indeed cars here.
3 of them.

You read Sherlock Holmes to deduce that?

Don't you have any clues
to get us started?

We'll analyze the tire samples at the lab.
I'm sure that laser analysis will...

Yeah and they'll have time to
SWIM back to Tokyo! Geez...

Thanks for everything, but I need my taxi, now!
What d'you want me to do with your cabriolet?

Daniel, we're in deep shit!
These clowns are shaving the road!

Couldn't you help us find a clue?

Émilien, Lily's on fire.
She might burn herself!

But they got my girl!
Isn't that worth 2 minutes of your time?

Just take a look,
after that I'll handle it.

From below, I saw 3 black Mitsubishis,

not sure what model.
It was a new model.

Their tires come straight from Japan.

How'd you know?

I smell it.

Smells of fish?

Meaning...?

A restaurant?

You got fish oil for brains?

Restaurants and... ports!
They were at the port with brand-new tires.

So, they were in a boat from Japan!
That's why it smells of fish!

See, you can think!

- Now, are they stolen cars?
- That's easy. Alain!

I'm on it!

OK you clowns, put your
tweezers down and go home.

Monday morning you take a whistle, I'll
let you analyze a crossraod. Do you good.

Jerks!

Negative.
Nothing's been stolen from the port.

Bingo!

What bingo? No cars were stolen,
it means you were wrong!

Three cars were stolen but no theft
was declared. Why?

Because the guards knew...
Because they use the warehouse as a base!

See, you can be smart!

Red alert!

C'mon, Émilien, that's my line!

You'll explain to me on the road
'cause I don't get it...

Lily? Yes, I'm on my way!
You still watching TV?

No, I had to stop. There was a report about
animal sex, made me set fire to the rug!

- Sir? It's Lily, she's worried about you.
- Gimme that.

Tell your mom we're OK but the mission's
complicated, we need reinforcements.

So I'm keeping your friend.
He did a great job. Good recruit.

He'll bring me home, so you can
tell him "good night". Bye, hon!

C'mon let's go, son!
The mission ain't over!

Alain for Émilien,
now what's Gibert up to?

Dunno, he's been locked in the john
for ages, making weird noises...

Oh no...!

What? What's up?

Can't tell you.
It's... too horrible!

Émilien? They won't come.

Are you kidding?

I think this was their first base,
but something tells me they're gone.

Long gone.

A suspect approaching. Asian male.

Aah, see? They always return
to the scene of the crime!

Police academy, lesson 1!

Get in position!

Captain?

Suspects are approaching front door.

Perfect!
Bring 'em on!

Hey Marco, you sure about this?

Are you kidding?
It's the heist of the century!

There's a mountain of VCRs,
all boxed and awaiting delivery!

They're about to break in.

We got 'em!

Émilien, would you break into
your own home?

Sure! Oh? Well, not always...

Uh-oh!

Chief, are you gonna...?

Émilien, I like to stay close to my men.

Some action won't hurt me.
Just like in the good ole days!

But that was long ago, chief...

The MEMORIES are distant, Émilien,
but the reflexes... are still here!

Trust me.

You'll see.

Marco, you sure there's no cops?

Shit, relax, dammit! There's no one here!

They're all watching the game.
Every cop's in front of a TV.

Ready to attack? Wait for my signal.

Chief, you worry me.
It's long a way down...

It's OK, Émilien! Just tie the knot
for me, I'll do the rest.

I got a bad feeling...

See?
They're all at the match, like I said!

AND ATTACK...!

Oh shit oh shit oh shit!

Émilien?

OK, chief!

BANZAI...!

What...?
Who's getting his throat cut...?

Émilien...?

I don't get it, I made
a strong knot... see?

Émilien!

Maybe it's the rope...?

That's it, you tied the wrong rope!

Ah, I see...

An ambulance! Quick!

Émilien...

Émili... AAAHHH!!!

It's all my fault. I should never
have left her... and him... down!

Hey, hey, enough already!

Stop your whining, that won't
bring her back! Think instead!

I'm thinking, I'm thinking! But we
haven't got a single lead to work on!

Maybe if you ask the right questions,
you'll get the right answers!

For instance, why didn't the Yakuza
kill the Minister at once?

- 'Cause they need him?
- Excellent, but why?

- Did they ask for a ransom?
- No.

Why not kidnap him in Japan?

But they did it here in France!

They must have had a good reason.
Why's the Minister going to Paris, exactly?

To watch the parade and sign contracts.
Security, trains, army, nuclear...

There! Maybe they want to prevent that?

But that makes no sense,
why would they do that?

Your friend's right. Yuki Tsumoto
doesn't want those contracts to be signed.

Hey, don't I know you?
Weren't you an air hostess earlier?

I'm Yuli. I'm here to protect the Minister,
as a member of the Japanese intelligence.

Ain't that funny! I am too...
Émilien, Police of Marseille.

That's Daniel, he's...

...in training!
I'm learning how to be stupid!

Yeah, right...
Who's this "Yuki Tsumoto" guy?

A Yakuza. He controls the north.
Very powerful and conservative.

He doesn't want airplanes,
trains, nuclear power...

France is keen to sell,
so he's taking steps.

Not only the Minister won't sign anything, but
France will never sign contracts with Japan again!

Tsumoto sent over 2 grand
masters in hypnosis.

They'll condition the Minister, who during
the parade will grab any weapon...

...and start killing people at random.
Maybe even the President.

And to protest, France will abort all diplomatic
relations with Japan... so no more contracts!

- Exactly.
- That's crazy!

The parade is at 11 so we have very little
time to free your friend and the Minister.

Yeah well but I have to
ask my boss first...

Which one, the cripple or Sleeping Beauty?

Oh, yeah...

Listen Émilien, both of you
want to save somebody.

We're in a bit of a rush, so instead
of waiting for the Administration...

...maybe we should do it
ourselves, don't you think?

He's right! Sorry! No nip... is
gonna beat us! So where do we start?

First, can you localize them in Paris?

- Absolutely not!
- Sure! Easy as pie!

Thanks, Joe. You saved my life!
See you soon, pal.

Got 'em! They're hiding out
in the XIVth district.

Are you sure it's her?
Uh, I mean, them!

3 black Mitsubishis with a blonde tied
in the back. You want me to verify?

OK, OK...

Well there's not much time left.
To the airport!

Don't hurry, there's no
plane for at least 3h!

We can't wait. We must get to Paris ASAP.
So find a solution!

GET UP! WAR IS UPON US!

- To me! My men!
- It's me, Daniel!

Oh, Daniel...!
Where are the troops?

Wiped out! There's only us to save the day.
And you owe me, remember?

- Affirmative!
- Well, I need your help. Now.

Oh shit... what's taking them so long?

Cool! No worries, buddy!

Daniel, I hope you know what you're doing
'cause I don't trust this. Not one bit!

Why, you got a better idea?

What, right now? No, but...

Well, then you better think! Fast!

- Daniel, I got it! Lemme out, I can...
- Too late...!

Are you cool, guys?

You bet! Cool as ice!

Just shout if there's a problem, OK?

OK, I'm shouting!
We just lost a parachute!

That's why there's 3 of 'em!
1 or 2 always screw up!

I see...!

Émilien. You got your license now, right?

Yeah, why?

Take my place then. C'mon, move it!

I'll try to find out where we are.

Where am I going?

Straight ahead!

- Straight ahead?
- Yeah, straight ahead!

OK, whatever you say...!

Come on now, just relax.
Be more zen, you'll feel better!

That feels good, you know.
Real good!

Oh, Lily darling! Are you OK?

Who's chirping there?

- The hostess.
- Hostess?

Actually, she's a nurse.

You're in a massage parlor, is that it?

Of course not, Lily! We're in the sky! Your
dad's guiding us, Émilien is steering...

I am fixing the parachute and the nurse
is chirping to calm our nerves, that's all!

Daniel, what DID you smoke, exactly?!?

Now listen to me. Lily! I'm trying
to save Petra and a Minister's ass!

So I'll call you again when we land!
Is that so hard to understand?

- Are you feeling alright, hon?
- I'm great!

What? She never believes me!

Try to turn left a bit.

Now, turn left.
I repeat, left...

Hi there!

Everything's OK, stay calm!
Marseille Police!

- Do you know them?
- Yeah.

Yeah... an old pupil...
Gonna WALK home, now...

Good morning Lionel.

- Good morning Jacques, this is Mr. Coutta...
- Hello, how do you do?

- Are you all set, Coutta?
- The Japanese Minister is still missing.

There, I see her!
God, is she beautiful...!

- I mean, she looks OK.
- And the Minister?

He's fine, he's fine.
He's getting some exercise...

Now that we know where they are,
maybe we should try and get them back?

I've got an idea.
We must warn your friend somehow.

- Won't be easy... hold on, I'm such a jerk!
- Oh? Really?

Her earphone!
Maybe she kept her earphone!

Petra! Petra!

Are you ready to kill?

You hear me? Petra?

Petra, we're not far away.
I can see you.

Now get up, and turn around!

Petra, get up, I need to see your hands!

- What's going on here?
- I'm not doing anything!

- Idiot!
- Liar!

Sit down. We're coming.

We're coming... that's easy to say!

Don't worry, I got a plan.

That's exactly what worries me!

You hear only what I tell you...

You obey me!

You do only what I tell you...

You obey me!

And now...

I wanna go home 'cause it's too
cold here and I'm getting sick and...

You're going to sleep.

Raise your arms.

Con-nichon-aah!
Hey, it's my turn now! Come on!

I'm not bad at hypnosis!

Sit! Good boy!

Now lie down! Very, very good!

And now... sleep!

Freeze or you'll sleep too, and for long!
OK?

OK, I'll cover you.

Hey, girls, what're you doing?

No need. I had'em covered.

It's not loaded, Émilien.

What'd you mean, it's not loaded?

How come?

It was me. I emptied the clip yesterday.

So... it was never loaded?

I was worried you'd get hurt...

I'm very late, can you save my life?

Err... don't worry, I'll manage.

- C'mon, jump in there!
- What...? Are you sure?

Catch those clowns!

Fancy some sushi?

There's no exit, Daniel!

They're after you, Daniel!

That's one less!

We'll get off at the next station...

We're too heavy. And they got good cars!

Ask your Paris colleagues to help out.

Forget it. Cops from Paris
and Marseille are at war.

They'll never help us.

Aww, you just never asked 'em politely!

Daniel, what the...?

So, dickheads, you're not at the parade?
Soldiers ain't your thing?

You'd rather stay home and gobble knobs?

How 'bout a love parade?
Let him who loves me, follow me!

I think you went a bit far!

Aww, don't worry, I'm sure they loved that!

Catch that asshole, ALIVE!
I'll blast him to hell myself!

Where are you?

Where is "Trocadéro"?

Well, you must change at Châtelet!

A bus, Daniel!

Oh, the Eiffel Tower!

Stay off the grass!

- It's straight ahead now!
- OK!

Where'd that one come from?

Yes. Get the taxi!

- Kamikaze!
- Kamika what?

Kamikaze...?!!

BANZAI...!

Shit... I can't shake 'em!
We're too heavy!

I can get out, if you want!

- Bad idea Émilien, try harder!
- I can't!

- Call the General!
- OK. General, do you copy?

Loud 'n' clear!
How's your Paris tour going?

It's whizzing by!

Tell him to block the Dauphine tunnel exit.
We'll set up a trap there!

No problem. Give me 5 minutes!

Yes, hello?

Picard? Bertineau here!

General, sir!

You got a spare tank or two?

As a matter of fact, yes...

We're almost there, he'd better hurry!

Dammit, what's taking him so long?

Roger sir, we're in position.
The tunnel is blocked.

- 4 mins, 32 seconds.
- Well done, sir!

Hang on!

I don't wanna play after all!

You'd rather stop and get shot down?

No but I don't wanna hit a tank, either!

Daniel, now that I found Petra again
I'd like to enjoy it before I die!

Don't worry.
I'm taking you straight to Heaven!

But I wanna stay
right here on Earth, Daniel!

You scared the bejesus outta me again!

Maybe one day, you'll trust me!

The Minister says you're wonderful. He'd
like you to become his driver in Japan.

Thanks, maybe later.
But right now, I wanna go home!

Yeah, we're going home, Daniel.
Can we drop you off somewhere?

Oh no, not the TV!

Just 5 minutes, it's the parade...
I want to see your father.

Oh...? It looks like Daniel's taxi!
Ain't that funny?

Émilien?!

Well, err... that's something brand new.

A... stealth taxi.

I'll drop you at the grandstand and I'll run, ok?
I don't like this place... it freaks me out.

Émilien...