Tarzoon: Shame of the Jungle (1975) - full transcript

Slow down, you're rolling it too fast,

I can't read it!

That's better.

While a few bold explorers have mapped

the heart of Africa...

the majority have gone to the region

known as The Lower Regions...

where the dense foliage

teems with animal life,

and only death decides who is

the hunter and who is the hunted.

White man in iron bird...

kill Simba with fire stick.

Make chief M'Bulu,

member of United Nations council.

In the depths of an impenetrable

rain forest,

lies the kingdom of Bazonga,

a queen who dreams of ruling the world,

aided in her mad designs

by Charlie Charles, a mad beautician,

a two-headed monster,

expelled from the Pasteur Institute

for the audacity of his theories.

It's a confectionery.

A delicious dessert.

Don't make me laugh!

It's not too bad,

but far from delicious!

That's enough, Charles!

Your conclusions?

Explain to her.

Go on.

You explain better than I do.

It's you who speaks the best.

- No, you.

- You!

You better tell me before you end up

floating in formaldehyde!

Well, Your majesty,...

According to the latest

scientific research...

...it's not possible to cure baldness.

Can't help you,

Your Highness.

It's definite.

Perhaps you'll consider

getting a wig?

A wig? Out of the question!

I'm going to enslave mankind tomorrow!

I shall raze the capitals of the world!

The world will be at my feet,

and I am bald!

Bald!

I'll not wear a fucking wig!

I know what they say about me.

They say I'm a monster,

out to rule the world...

...but I have feelings,

like everybody else.

If I don't have real hair

by tomorrow...

...heads are gonna roll!

There's one solution...

a scalp transplant.

But it's immoral, your highness.

I'm the one who decides that!

It has to involve the removal

of the scalp of another human...

It's just a matter of choosing

whose scalp!

Fine, if that's what you want,

Your Majesty....

Here are some suggestions.

Lights!

No.

No.

At least we know where

she hid the gun.

Next!

This one, Highness?

No!

No! It looks like a mink hat!

Is that all, or do you

have more shit?

You two would make Primperan vomit!

Sorry.

What's that, for God's sake!?

Well...

I don't want to look like

a cotton-swab!

Stop!

That one?

No, the one before.

It's June.

She was slipped in

by mistake.

- Who is June ?

- The mate of Shame.

The king of the jungle.

If he interferes in my plans,

I'll pull out his fingernails

one by one.

I'll feed him to the alligators!

- Crocodiles.

- OK, crocodiles!

I'll bury him up to his ears

in an anthill!

I'll report him for wearing underpants

made out of an endangered species!

You two have 24 hours...

...to put her hair

on my head...

...or you're fired!

Think Looney Tunes might hire us?

I doubt it.

Hanna Barbera?

Night falls.

In a rustic tree house, perched

on some lofty monarch of the forest...

...Shame takes his mate June

in his arms.

Their pulses quicken.

Above, a pagan moon heedlessly

hurtles through the glittering sky.

Below, from the inky jungle,

like the heartbeat of Africa herself...

...comes the wild rhythm

of the tom-tom...

...a language that no white man

understands...

...but that every white woman

understands, only too well.

Is that it?

You're finished?

Well I guess that's the last I'll see

of your willy for 3 months.

Pathetic! I've had more fun

with a water pistol.

Did you learn to fuck

at a correspondence school?

You fairy! You couldn't get it up

with a fork-lift!

It looks more like

a cock on a hamster.

Fairy! Tranny! Schmuck!

Nerd!

Bed-wetter!

Give my regards

to your shrink!

Casting aside civilisation's

vain trappings...

Shame returns once more

to the wilderness that spawned him...

...pausing only to give the fearsome cry

of the great bull ape.

If the ape had slipped

on a can of beer.

Then, like a shadow, he vanishes

into the Sumerian darkness.

Not now, kiddo.

...and takes on the ancestral burden...

Anton!

No news of Susu Hutu Wanda

who disappeared on Sunday.

An all-out search has failed to find

any sign of the missing 3-year old...

...last seen

near the muddy banks...

...wearing a leopard pelt,

2 crocodile-teeth bracelets...

...and a chicken foot.

Former All-African spear-throwing

champion, Umbawi Zabugu...

...now coach of the Kinshasa Lions...

...denies having chewed

coca leaves to dope...

Flicka, coffee's ready.

The coach said he didn't know

who owned the suitcase.

The value of the cow fell yesterday

on the international market.

Leading cow authorities say they see

no hope to ending the inflationary spiral

...which has raised the value

of a woman to 47 cows.

It can get worse before it gets better

...according to the Secretary...

That idiot has forgotten

his keys again!

Help! Help!

Let me go!

That really hurts!

Shame!

Thank you, Shame!

You've saved the life of Tatoum.

Thank you, Shame.

June!

Throw me a rope!

Throw me a rope!

Flicka!

Throw me a rope!

June, Shame will be...

Everybody laugh at Shame,

if Shame no save June.

But if Shame go save June...

...Shame get shit kicked out of him.

But conscience is swept aside

by the primeval urge...

...shared by man and beast alike.

Shame must find his mate...

...no matter what the cost!

Why, like flies to shit...

...are men drawn

to the steamy tropics? Why?

The reasons are as numberless

as their unmarked graves.

Some come in search of the truth,

such as Professor C?dric Adop?...

...at the head of an expedition

to verify...

...the existence of a legendary

white anthropoid, called Shame.

Others, like the professor's niece...

...seductive young aviatrix,

St?phanie Starlette...

...have come for adventure.

I'm only here because I gave

the producer a blow-job.

There are others still...

The pearl-traders

and the ivory-hunters...

...the poachers and the slavers

and the mercenaries...,

...the dreamers with few illusions...

...men driven mad

by the tales of Africa...

tales of lewdness and debauchery.

Men hypnotised by tales of

enormous rubies and sapphires...,

...and plovers' eggs

the size of emeralds.

Such men are Brutish and Short.

Posing as guides,

they also seek Shame.

But greed is their only motive,

and destruction their only means.

If I ever get my hands on

that fucking son-of-a-bitch...

...who built this plane...

...I'll rip his fucking face off!

Jesus Christ!

Where the fuck are we?

I've never seen

such a fucking shit-hole!

I'm all sticky.

You OK, Professor?

Africa... it's magnificent!

Africa... it's breathtaking!

Africa... where lives are measured

in moments, not months.

Africa... land of human sacrifices

and inhuman gods!

Africa...

land of the Wazu, a barbaric tribe...

...whose grim masks

fan the flames of fear.

Slow down!

You're rolling it too fast!

I can't read it

if you go too fast!

Just wait till I

get my hands...

...on that fucking idiot

who built that plane...

No, I don't like this...

I don't like this trip at all.

Are you sure we're going

in the right direction?

According to this map...

...we need to follow the river...

...until we get to the

Valley of Worshipers...

...where we'll find the legendary

Pyramid of the Shadow.

Then we'll get to

the lost city of Yota...

...where the lizard-women live.

We take a right turn

about 8 or 9 kilometres...

We'll pass the forbidden cave

of the atomic ant-creatures...

...and then come to the old mill.

There will be 2 km to go.

If, as I believe, Shame exists...

...that's where we'll find him...

My perfect specimen

of anthropoid man.

What did you say, Professor?

What does "anthropoid" mean?

Just what is it?

What do you think anthropoid means?

You think I give a fuck?!

The fucking idiot

who built that fucking plane...

You talking about my mother?

His face is a mess.

Big job for his dentist.

All these little animals, all screwed up

and bent out of shape!

Brigitte Bardot won't like it.

Where on earth are we?

We're entering the country

of the molar men...

...whoever they are.

You don't know who

the molar men are?

Almost nothing is known

about their society.

It's not known if the Tungala have...

...sharp sticks and blunt sticks,

or just sharp sticks.

The last person to come

through here was a German.

His name was... Papierkram.

It's not known what became

of that expedition.

Professor,

tell me more about Shame.

Is he really handsome?

Is he handsome?

It's written here...

Let me see...

"The beauty of his

weather-beaten face...

"is tempered by the radiance

of his burning gaze."

His leonine muscles

keep him ready to pounce.

His supple and graceful body...

...glows in the sun

like polished coal...

...as he soars through the air,

from branch to branch."

Oh, Professor,

I can't wait to get to know him!

This is him!

The powerful ape-man himself!

Nice to meet you, dear friend.

Let me introduce myself.

Professor C?dric Adolp?,

of the Royal Anthropological Society.

I've walked across Africa

to make your acquaintance.

That's enough of being polite...

From now on we're in charge

of this expedition...

And I will personally take charge

of the clown in the funny underpants.

Brutish,

what has got into you?!

What terrible image of the civilised world

are you giving him?!

Shut up, you old fool!

Wait!

Don't leave me here!

What if I'm found

by the hairy beast...

...or females, or fucking bugs!

Get me a man so I can

scratch his face...

...identical to the one

I've always had.

Stop! Come back!

Don't leave me here...

...in this country of savages!

Wait!

We just have to lock up Shame

in the Astroturf Dome...

...and exhibit him like the other one,

who played in King Kong.

They also exhibited him in Madison

Square Garden in the ring...

They even made him dance...

...with Nemu, the killer whale,

together with a shark...

and to finish off,

he faced an alligator.

A crocodile.

Yes, a crocodile.

I'll take some money

from the cash register...

...and I'll go see the whores,

but no more 10 dollar hand-jobs.

Then I'll go to Las Vegas,

to play with the people there.

I'll see the stars

and stay with Frank Sinatra.

I'll make him my friend,

he'll give me his money...

...and I'll be able to go

and play at the casino.

Fucking hunter who doesn't know

how to hunt.

Goddamned shit!

What the fuck's going on?

This goddamned cage

is getting goddamned heavy.

I can hardly carry

the fucking thing.

The sooner I get out of

this fucking shit-hole the better.

This fucking heat is incredible.

This fucking place is the arsehole

of this shit of a world!

I'm fed up...

...to the back teeth

with this fucking mud...

fucking fed up with the humidity...

...fucking fed up with this sun,

for Christ's sake!

Nice little baby!

Shake hands?

Shame have hurt!

Hurt!

Shame have hurt!

Shame have sore finger!

Hurting! Hurting finger!

Nice little babies!

Hi, Kimosabi!

How you going?

Come on!

Come along!

Come and have a beer!

Grab my hand!

How's it going?

Here's to work.

We only live once.

Gotta have fun, you know!

My name's Craig Boulanger.

I'm a guru.

I'm from Champagne Urbana

in Illinois.

I became a guru, because...

...I needed some money for college.

It was painting apartments or...

Going that way?

So, how are tricks?

What's your name?

As you like, I don't care.

You understand?

I'm going to Wisconsin.

Want to come?

I'm drunk.

I've been drinking non-stop.

You want a frothy one?

One... two... three...

I spilled it.

Hey, Kimosabi!

What's your name, damn it?!

You a Hindu or something?

India is a dreadful place.

No way of getting a cold beer.

Awful!

And they die of hunger.

Won't eat cows...

No bars in India.

You stupid arsehole!

Come on, you dumbcluck!

They're nothing but

a bunch of motherfuckers!

You want to be a Mahatma?

You know what that is?

It's a guy that helps you.

Really helps you.

They help people.

A convertible.

I want a convertible.

Instead, I fitted out this contraption

with birds.

Move it!

They're pissed... like me.

I'll start on my second 6-pack.

I feel I can fly like a bird.

I really can fly.

Seriously, it's no big deal.

I can fly.

I need a piss...

so I'll fly down...

I'll have a piss

and I'll fly back up.

Watch me do it.

Have you never seen The Silver Chalice

with Jack Palance?

When he jumps off the tower

without his cape?

He relies on his God.

I can do it,

because I'm a guru.

He's on the tower.

Caesar and the crowd tell him to jump.

But the chick who climbs the ladder

tells him not to.

But he says he'll do it,

and he jumps.

So he falls down,

and comes a cropper.

It was funny, because you could see

it was a dummy falling off.

Anyway, I'll be doing it for real!

Here I go...

Ready...

You ready? Watch!

You come back!

Shame not know

how to pilot birds.

If God want birds to fly,

give them motors.

Unable to resist...

June is carried off to what men call

The Despicable Kingdom...

...an uncharted realm...

...into which no explorer

has ever dared to set foot.

Concerning The Dank Cavern,

the natives...

...their teeth bared

in a mirthless grin...

...their eyes wide with dread, say...

"Many enter, Bwana,

none return!"

Have I ever told you

that you play divinely...

...for a spider?

Yes?

Queen Bazonga?

The donor is here...

...ready for the transplant.

Start the operation

right away.

Why am I doing this,

you ask?

So I can spit on people.

So I can spit on people...

and so I can get special attention

at smart restaurants.

Extra pat of butter,

things like that.

Sworn to penetrate the innermost regions

of Queen Bazonga's secret domain...

...or die in the attempt...

...before he begins the last lap

of his perilous journey...

Shame, looking in the shadows

like some Demi-god of old...

...pauses.

A hush has fallen over the forest.

The haunting silence

that presages certain doom.

If Shame not back in quarter

of moon, call the cops.

June! June!

That's all they talk about, June!

But if it wasn't for Nana,

Shame'd never have clean underpants.

Zombies!

Forward...

march!

A splendid manoeuvre,

Colonel Leshgrapp!

You've turned raw recruits

into warriors.

Yes, General!

On my command...

Fire!

Fire!

Fire!

On my command...

Hop!

Crawl!

One, two! One, two!

At my command... fire!

Look straight ahead,

even when you crawl!

Take cover!

Uncover!

Who is that man?

An undercover agent, right?

He's not one of ours.

It's Shame.

He's out of uniform!

Have him shot!

If Shame is not back in quarter

of moon... call the cops.

Hello, this is the police.

We're sorry,

but all lines are busy.

In a case of emergency,

leave your name and phone number...

...after the beep, and we'll return

your call as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Hello, this is the police...

Fate, like the swirling winds

that shape the desert sands...

...has saved Shame

from a firing-squad's blindfold...

...only to deliver him into the arms

of a satanic queen.

But it matters little if death

were by means of a weapon...

...or a filmy gown.

The ultimate manifestation

of a capricious destiny...

...the ape-man does not know

that just steps away...

...spreadeagled like some ancient sacrifice...

...trembling beneath the shadow

of a knife...

...June lies defenseless in the hands

of a degenerate beautician.

- Perhaps.

- Just answer yes or no!

If you'd ever been to the movies...

No, not that!

That these sweets refresh

the breath is a plus, that's all.

Not like Rolaids.

Are Rolaids candy?

Is Maalox a garnish?

Don't be ridiculous!

So what about Feenamint?

They're menthol.

Candy!

Let me go!

All that we throw up

are sweets, right?

Everything that makes us spew

comes from Fanny's place, right?

Your breath!

She smells like Mamie Eisenhower's

underwear.

And Dorminil, the candy

that puts you to sleep?

Are Coca and Vanquish sweets?

Shame, so nice of you to come!

You are strong, Shame,

and not lacking in intelligence.

You do have two

small cavities, though.

I'm sure you'd like

a glass of bubbly.

Tell me, Shame, how'd you like

to rule the world?

At my side, of course.

Shame had heard that one before.

Think about it! You'd be able to park

wherever you wanted to.

What do you say?

The world would be at our feet.

Queen very nice, but Shame

only want June.

June! You dare talk about that bitch...

when I offer you my throne?!

Too bad for you, you'll see

what I do with your June!

When I've finished with her,

she'll look like a steak with legs!

Alright, alright,

so I've got 14 breasts...

I could have been the greatest

topless dancer in the world!

Instead I'm the greatest freak

of a queen in the world!

Queen talk too loud.

Call out the phallus guard!

Seize that man!

And bring me the contents

of his underpants on a platter!

One, two, one, two!

It freshens the breath!

At my command...

Fire! Fire!

Fire!

Mummy!

Fire!

At my command...

Look, he's here!

The one we've been waiting for!

A chance for real war!

Charge the torpedoes!

Full speed ahead!

Fire!

Help! Fire!

Queen is afraid.

Shame save Queen.

Thank God you're here!

What are you staring at?

Scram, you insolent rebels!

It refreshes the breath!

My God! He's dead!

I've killed him!

Let's get out of here!

He was an animated drawing

personality!

If I'd known he was mortal,

I wouldn?t have hit him!

He's dead! I killed him!

I've seen Tom and Jerry!

I've seen Tom hit on the head

with a safe!

I've seen the stick of dynamite...

...being held by Wile E. Coyote!

He doesn't die!

Tell me that he's not dead!

Where have you been?

Still yacking?

You come to bed, quick smart!

Did you take the wrong vine?

And because you, pea-brain...

I've been sitting in that

place for two solid hours......

My hero!

Down there!

June, look down there!

Damn photos

and beauty contests!

Miss Aspirin! Miss Toilet Soap!

I'm an actress.

I've had to swallow 50 metres of cocks...

...to get a part in a shit serial!

I'll show those arse-wipes!

With my army of pigmies,

I'll conquer the world!

I'll crush Hollywood!

Rona Barret

will be at my feet!

I'll play the roles of my dreams!

Subtitles by FatPlank for KG