Tarzana (1978) - full transcript

Well, it was sometime in November

between three and dawn.

I was snuggled up in a Thunderbird coma

rekindling things with an old flame.

I didn't care if I ever woke up.

But Ma Bell kept tickling my dreams

from a million miles away.

Hey! You!

Mister private dick!

What time i--

What time is it?

What day is this?

Well what happened to

Wednesday and Thursday?

Who am I speaking to?

Benny Coughlin?

Oh, it better be, Benny.

Oh, God, it better be.

You owe me.

I'll talk to you later!

There wasn't much fog

in Pedro tonight,

but there was enough tuna in the air

to feed a litter of kitties.

I hadn't been down to

the waterfront in a year.

And I hadn't seen Benny Coughlin

since the war had turned cold.

Private Benjamin Coughlin

reporting for duty, Sir!

Long time.

Looks like you

grew a couple inches.

That's uh... quite a grouping on

your jacket. Who ruined that for you?

Cigar Armstead. Six months ago.

I want you to tell me

something, Benny.

Why did I drive all across town

in the middle of the night?

Charity.

Charity?

I don't need any charity, Benny.

I live in Bel Air.

I know that stuff,

but it's not for you.

Something came in on a tramp steamer

from New Guinea last night.

A potato sack full of heaven.

Ain't I right?

No money, no passport, no nothin'.

Says her pop lives here.

But I can't clear it

'til someone claims her.

What do you think,

we'd be a cute couple?

No.

But I'll spill a couple of days for expense

for that. Sniff down her daddy, okay?

You'll spill?

For old times' sake.

I am Raffinerio Monaleamera.

I will, how you say, interpret?

That's, uh, that's how we say it.

Uh, why don't you start with your name?

Call me Mr. Mona, if you wish.

Is that, uh... tribal stuff?

Sorry, not.

I received first one fairly

in fight in Rangoon brothel.

Inflicted other one myself.

For symmetry.

Please, remove your bonnet

and douse your tobacco.

You're in the presence

of perfect innocence.

- Sit down.

- Ooofff...

So what makes you think

your old man's in Angelino?

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

What happened to Mom?

I'm afraid the mother died

in the long-ago plane crash.

The girl survived.

She was raised by the Kapauku

Papuan people of New Guinea.

It took her ten long, hard years to save

enough money for passage to your country.

What line of work

was the old man in?

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

She says she is sure

her father was a man of God.

Yeah.

Well, there's a hell of a lot of gods

in this town, but, uh... I'll do what I do.

This Bible was his.

It is her whole world now.

Yeah. She just looks

at the pictures, huh?

All I got from Benny was some

liquor contraband for expenses.

Nothing else really to go on.

Benny hadn't told me

about Mount Mona, either.

I couldn't put a finger on it, but

something about the overgrown cherub

seemed about as fishy

as the Pedro wind.

Maybe her dad could tell me what it was,

if I could ever find him.

Say, how about a double

of your double finest?

Hey, what now, old friend?

How you been?

Fine.

On the house. The best.

Say when.

Say when.

When.

- Only the finest, right?

- Yeah.

- Here you go, baby.

- For you, huh?

I been striking out all day,

might as well include you.

You ever see this guy before?

Nah. Never saw this guy before.

Hope the girl

doesn't play piano.

You know, it, uh,

takes all ten for that.

What do you mean?

Ten fingers,

not nine and a half.

- How are your chops?

- Aww...

Let's go over and give Freddie

a little static. What do you say, huh?

- Bring the bottle?

- Yeah.

Let's go.

What would I do without you?

Listen, tell me,

my old skins still back there?

Still dried out as ever.

Lemme oil them up.

Well, we blew up

a storm all night.

I always do my best

thinking in 4/4 time.

There's something about bop

that loosens the parts of your brain

that put the pieces

of a puzzle together.

But there just weren't

enough pieces yet.

It was a kick in the pants

to sit in again with the boys,

but I was never gonna find my

man of the cloth in this neighborhood.

[REVEREND]: Hello...sinners.

Welcome.

You don't mind me

calling you sinners, do ya?

You shouldn't.

We're all sinners.

That's right, all of us!

Me, I'm a sinner!

All of us are!

Mother, that...that little bundle of joy

that's you're holding...is a sinner.

I hate to say it.

That cute, cuddly bundle of joy is just

as guilty of original sin as you and I

and every person walking

the face of the Earth.

Original sin.

Let's talk about it.

Did you ever poke

a stick in the water

and notice how it bends

right where it meets the water?

That's the trickery

of the Devil, aha!

He'll never let you look at

anything straight on, no!

You hand him the truth and he'll

take it and twist it and bend it!

Yet, oh, there are seductions

in the water, too.

Mermaids with their

beautiful siren songs

and the hypnotic

repetitions of the waves

- of temptation.

- Where's the rev?

Where's the rev?

Are you a dick?

Freelance. Really.

He's home.

Been out of whack with a

rehash of the malaria. All month.

Hasn't been here in a month?

Where's home?

8202 Fletcher. South Pass.

Thank you very much.

I admire your programs.

Hell! Yes, in hell!

Into the drain, down the pipe,

and into the eternal sewers of hell!

That's the big stink.

Hey, Axi, somethin' smell a little?

This is death or bad cooking.

Some kind of fish!

- I want you to do me a favor.

- What?

Go call Ralph,

have him get the boys...

You got trouble on you, right?

- Hello! Take care of yourself.

- See you. Good man.

Death should be just like perfume

to a Homicide man,

but I don't think Inspector Ralph Waters

had ever gotten used to it.

It was always plenty thick

whenever we met up.

We trusted each other enough

to drink out of the same bottle,

but not much beyond that.

You won't find bodies as often

behind carved oak and adobe

as you do inside the cheap

stucco in the rest of the town,

but when you do it's never simple

why their lives have left them.

What stake do you have

in this stench, Milt?

Come on. I'm working.

I was hired on a case to find the

Reverend Baskin by his daughter.

This is his place.

Any news you'd like to fess up?

Smells like

upstairs, Inspector.

I was saving myself

the price of breakfast.

Dried brains on the wall

usually put a damper on my appetite,

this morning no exception.

I tried thinking of blue

mountain lakes of mallard and trout

but my mind was fishing in

two perfect pools of dark red

the lady upstairs had made.

It's hard to cut

both wrists and do that.

I looked across an abyss

the reverend had called home.

and I saw something

that wasn't there.

Hey, you! Get out!

Well, that's about it.

You'll get the paperwork

in the morning.

- Right.

- Excuse me.

Put his mug on the wire

just for the hell of it.

- And?

- Baskin's an alias.

He was born Rudy Gladstone and

used to have a record in St. Lou.

Bunco.

Arson. He was nuthin'

but a skid roadie

'til he supposedly had a

vision from...from the Lord.

It was probably the DTs.

Anyway, he cleaned up his act and was

sellin' the pulpit real good, 'til...

'til now.

And what about the old hag?

Uh, Mrs. Leiderman, former Mrs. Schulz,

former Mrs. Debbie, former

Mrs. Gladstone, from skid row days.

She's working as a

janitress in the local JC.

Milt, how do you peg

what's upstairs?

I thought it was Malaria.

Oh, no. Jokes aside.

I got it figured out as a

suicide pact for old times' sake.

That's very romantic, Ralph.

But I don't buy it. See, I'll buy it for

the old guy, but the old lady was too--

Uh, Milt, this is Ted Braddock,

the family counselor.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

Uh, Ralph told me

about Dorothy.

I suppose it's a miracle

she's still alive.

She will be very well taken care of.

The estate is entirely hers.

Hey, what's left of

the bundle after taxes?

Oh, I'd say in the neighborhood, after

taxes, um, I'd say, um, three million.

That's a very nice neighbordhood, Ralph.

I wish I lived there myself.

Nice talkin' to ya.

I'll see ya later.

You must be one o' them new

young breed o' dedicated reporters.

Got your ass thrown

right out, didn't ya?

Well, don't let it break your heart. Why

don't you see what you can do with that?

Well, I found him.

And?

And he's dead.

Such a shame.

Poor girl.

He's been dead long?

Long enough.

Look, there's gonna be some

family counsel here and

some people with some papers

and some things you gotta sign and...

I'm gonna go home

and go to bed, okay?

We thank you very much

for what you've done.

You should thank me

for what I haven't done.

Cub reporter got his byline

in the afternoon final.

I hoped that I

hadn't spoiled him.

I forged a ship pass and

took a stroll down to the rust bucket

Dorothy Baskin said

she came in on.

Had a Filipino name, a Liberian flag,

and a cargo of tequila from Burma.

The Norwegian first mate

read the ship pass upside-down.

I gave him a fin and he even

held the hatch open for me.

For the promise of a sawbuck

he told me it took them

25 days to cross the Pacific.

Would've been sooner if not for a stop

in Catalina to load additional cargo.

Something packed

in burlap, maybe.

South Pass Police.

Uh, Inspector

Ralph Waters, please.

Need to tell him.

Yeah, I'll wait.

Uh, hello, circulation desk.

Speaking.

Yes, uh, I'm tryna-- Listen, I'm, uh,

crammin' for an exam in Anthro 105

and I really need two books and

I think somebody's got them out.

- Can you help me?

- Titles, please.

Yeah, one is called

The Amorous Islands,

and the other is called The Kapauku

Papuan Indians of New Guinea.

Hold a minute, please.

Yeah. I'll wait.

- Yeah.

- Ralph! Listen, it's Milt!

Did you ever find out which school

the old hag scrubbed for?

What do you wanna

know that for?

'Cuz I want the job!

It's honest work.

It won't hurt you.

Lemme see...

- Tarzana Community College.

- Tarzana Community College.

Okay, thanks. Listen, did

you guys ever figure out how

the old dame slashed both of her wrists

and didn't get any blood on herself?

Hmm? Think about it.

- Sir? Sir!

- Yes?

They're both overdue.

- Checked out by a Thelma Dolbrook.

- Thelma Dolbrook.

Do you know where

I can find her?

Yes, she lives at

Phi Sigma Kappa sorority house.

Phi Sigma Kappa...

Do you know where--

- Yeah, I know where it is.

Thank you very much.

[GIRL]: I don't believe it!

[GIRL]: Hey, what's your name?

[GIRL]: Come up and get us!

[GIRL]: Come up and get us!

[GIRL]: Agnes, no!

Are you kidding?

[GIRL]: They're gonna

know my bra size now!

You filthy animals!

Get outta here!

Get outta here! Go on!

I'll kill ya! I'll tack you boys

to the ceiling by your eyelids!

And I'll get you a dull knife

to cut yourself down!

Don't ever come back!

Hey, look, uh, look, I'm sorry.

Hey, lemme, lemme just hold these for you.

Is this the Phi Sig building?

- Yeah, this is it.

- Okay, thanks.

- You can have these back now.

- Okay.

Thelma flunked out.

Oh, over a month ago.

To get hitched to

some carnival worker.

Oh, yeah. That face, my God.

Here it is.

Oh, the youth of today.

The moms of tomorrow.

And, um, thank you

very much for this--

You!

Get out of here!

I'll skin your fanny raw!

So Thelma Dolbrook

had taken a walk

with overdue library books

and a big ugly Polynesian fella.

Mr. Mona was tall enough

to peek in her window at night

and he had a face that

would give Medusa a nightmare.

There couldn't be another

one on this planet.

Something was rotten

in the Dutch East Indies

and the stink had

started in this room

Look at this pigsty!

That damn witch

of a cleaning woman

hasn't been around

for a month of Sundays.

That, uh, cleaning lady...

She ever say anything

about her background?

Ha! Christ on a shingle!

She never stopped yappin' about

how that bogus preacher she married

slipped her out of

a big fat will.

That's all I wanna know.

And how he'd come in and rendezvous

and coochie-coo her a little bit.

But he never ever touched--

That's all I wanna know.

I'll bet she's on the toot

with him right now!

But believe you me, if I ever get a hold

of her ass, there's gonna be fireworks!

If you get around the morgue

any time around the 4th of July,

you ought to do pretty good.

Thank you very much.

What?

- This is the end of the line now.

- Is this it?

I wanna thank you, man, for your, uh,

transportation and your philosophy.

It's important to me. And do me a favor.

I want ya to call Ralph.

I want ya to tell him it's all

laid out here waiting for him.

Hey, Milt, I'd like you

to do me the same favor, man.

Well, I owe ya, I--

Could you just, uh,

sneak that in your coat?

Sneak it right in there.

Just put it right in there.

- I bet this was your grandmother's.

- Nobody'll see it.

Right? Hmm?

- Nobody's lookin'.

- This is very touching, Axi.

- Now please--

- Hey.

- Hey. Please.

- No.

I couldn't do it. I wouldn't

know how to run it.

I'm not very good at that.

And you know what happens when you

use guns? You get bullets in your legs,

and it costs you a fortune

to get 'em taken out.

Hey Milt, to tell you the truth,

it's never been outta the holster.

Looks like a lady's gun anyway.

It is. It's my grandma's.

Thanks again, partner.

See you later, Vinny!

Raise your dukes, gumshoe!

Make a ninety-degree turn slowly.

March.

It's no good.

Do you know who I am?

Heh. You're the man with the gun.

Don't crack wise! I'll use it!

What are you gonna

use it for, huh?

- Looks like an ashtray to me.

- Stay put!

Lemme tell ya somethin'.

Before you use a gun,

you gotta keep your--

...mind on it.

Remember that next time.

Ha!

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

She thanks you and will reward you

handsomely from the fortune.

Well, that's very nice.

Why don't you tell her that she's

got a big green booger in her nose.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

You goddamn son of a bitch!

Hmm? What is that?

An old tribal saying?

Drop it, Thelma.

Go back to sleep and

dream of bullets, Benny.

You have at most

30 seconds to live.

He's doin' 50 years and the

electric chair. You know that.

I'm gonna see to it.

But I think that you're just about

fraud-deep, Thema, isn't that right?

Or we could have it

fixed up that way.

This is a real cute guy,

but I don't think he's worth

doing a lifetime in the

ladies' slammer, now, is he?

You are as deep as me, dear.

We are both up to here.

Shoot him!

You got the gun, hon.

Shoot him!

Thelma, the only thing you've

lost so far is a little finger.

The rev did himself in.

Legitimately.

They shamed him into it.

The wildman of Borneo here did a

bad slice job on the old hag,

and everybody knows.

Only thirty seconds more!

Do you hear that?

You hear those? Hmm?

They're tolling for thee.

You're not gonna

use that thing.

C'mon.

It will give me great pleasure

to watch your face at the

moment of your first kill.

Pull the trigger.

Pull the trigger, darling.

Oh!

Thelma didn't do time

for the suicide hoax,

but only 'cuz they gave her

the gas chamber for Mr. Mona.

He guessed wrong

about the girl.

Maybe he couldn't see the survival

in her eyes from way up there.

He guessed wrong about

the poison he gave Benny, too.

It was already 73 seconds.

Benny had gotten me

into this mess,

even if he'd tried to get me out

at the cost of his life.

I owed him.

How was I gonna pay?

Benny, Benny...

I want a hero's burial, Sarge.

Promise. I want all my medals.

I gotta bail out. Sorry.

I can't-- I can't wait much longer.

Gimme five. Five volleys.

Gimme a volley of five, please.

One.

Two. Three.

Four. Five.

I'm gonna go soon, I'm--

Hey, gimme one more

for old time's--

Benny? Benny?!

Kimchi, Benny.