Tammy Pescatelli's Way After School Special (2020) - full transcript

So, economically,
what we're talking about

is trumped up,
trickle-down economics.

Do you understand
that this does not work?

Eh... Miss Pescatelli?

Do you understand
what I just said?

Are you listening?

Are you chewing gum?

Well, now that you're listening,

what did I just say?

"Now that you're listening,
what did I just say?"

Oh, you think you're a comic,
don't you?

As a matter of fact I do.

I gotta go shoot a special
right now.

Oh, you think you're gonna
go shoot a special here?

Nobody ever from Perry's
ever made it anywhere

except to the prison.
That's where you're going.

Big mistake. Huge.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome back
Tammy Pescatelli.




Thank you. I do...

- Thank you.
- Let's go, Rocky!

Hey, I don't even know
what to say anymore.

That was a lot.
I don't think this many people

liked me
when I went to school here.

So... Now, listen, I see a lot
of young millennials in here...

and I love you
and I'm gonna talk to you

'cause I love
what you're gonna do.

You guys are gonna change things
'cause you have hope.

-We don't have hope...

-but we can write in cursive.

-Um, so, uh...

You might need us to read
The Declaration of Independence

-one day so you better be nice.

Part of me coming back here
is when no one believed that...

No one believed in us.
We weren't allowed to have hopes

and dreams. We weren't.

Children were supposed to be...
Now listen to this,

- what?
- Seen and not heard.

You see how all the old people
said that?

Because we've been dying
to say something

-in public since the '80s.

Seen and not heard.
That meant as long as you

were present
you were a good kid.

Like a mute child
was the perfect child

for our parents back then.
We weren't allowed to have...

We weren't friends
with our parents.

Millennials, you're friends
with your parents.

I see some of you here tonight
with your parents.

That's... Wha... I don't even know
my mother's first name.

-I asked her once.

She was like,
"None of your damn business.

That's what it is."

'Cause, millennials,
God bless you,

you're just not tough.
I love ya,

but I could take
your whole generation out

with a jar of peanuts,
all right?


-Uh, just not tough.

We weren't allowed
to have feelings.

Uh, I remember once
telling my father,

I'm like, "I'm cold."

He was like, "No, you're not."

"Okay, I guess I'm not.
I don't know."

We would do things.
Like, you would have nicknames

based on your flaws.
I have a brother "To-do To-doo."

-Yeah, 'cause he used to play

with the toilet paper roll
all the time.

You know, "To-do to-doo.

-To-do to-doo."

Do do. To-doo. To-to."

We only let him play with that
'cause he broke all our toys.

He broke my Easy-Bake Oven.

You know what that is,

That's a little mini
meth lab is what that is.

Like, it would explode.

You'd get third-degree burns.

He broke our Stretch Armstrong.

-That was indestructible!

They showed the commercial,
two trucks pulling it apart.

That little To-do to-doo
broke it!

And you know
what came out of it?

Ooze. Chernobyl... just... slime.

It was crazy.

We had horrible toys back then.

My son solved the Rubik's Cube.

We had the Rubik's Cube,
but I never solved it.

-Not for real.

I did peel the stickers off
and tell everybody.

Sorry that
I have to admit that now.

Sorry. Just wanna...

That generation grew up...
You grew up with things to do.

When you're in the car
going somewhere,

you're on your cell phones,
your iPhones,

you're playing on the iPad,
you're watching DVDs.

We had nothing
in the backseat of the car.

We used to make up games

specifically to hit each other.


-If a Volkswagen Beetle...

passed your car
and its headlight was out,

someone was getting knocked out.

I mean, that was the rules.

To-do To-doo lost
two teeth one summer...

-and my father yelled at him.

"You should've paid attention.
You should've paid attention."

Everything we did
was about hitting each other.

Remember a game called
Two For Flinching?

See, if you were an only child,
you missed out on this.

-This is where your brother

or sister or whatever
your siblings were,

they all of a sudden
developed ninja-like skills.

They could hide on door jambs,

They would... behind couches.

They would jump out of nowhere.

You'd just be walking along
and all of a sudden

they would jump out
and throw a punch and stop.

Like, just little... just, like,
millimeters from your face

and if you flinched,
they'd punch you

-two more times.

-Two for flinching.

You're like nine years old
walking around like

-you have Vietnam flashbacks.

See, you young kids think
you invented the twerk,

-but we been... we been twerking

for a long time.

We just call it twitch.

Now I have a 21-year-old,
uh, nephew who...

Who comes and stays with me
and he came in

and he was all sweaty
and he had a gym bag

and he put it on the counter.
I go, "Uh...

what... what's going on?"

He said,
"I joined a fight club."


-you're gonna get kicked out...

'cause you just broke
the first rule."

-Uh, so...

By the way,
not all jokes are for everybody.

Okay, I don't believe in that
everybody's a winner stuff.

You gotta work
to be a winner, all right?

So, one... you know,
the kid joins the fight club

and I couldn't... I just couldn't

wrap my brain around it,
you know?

I thought about it for a long
time and I said to him...

I go, "I don't understand
why would youjoin a...

What? Did they have a
Dungeons & Dragonstournament?

Why would youjoin a fight club?
And he said to me...

Listen. Prepare yourself.

He said, "I wanted to learn
how to take a punch."

I said, "Lean over the counter.

-Uh, I will knock you out

for half the membership fee."

We had to be tough.
People didn't care about us.

They would forget us.
If we went on vacation

sometimes you'd hear
those stories of a kid

being left at a rest area
for like six hours.

Do the math.

Old math.
Not this new, stupid math.

Do the math.
The real, basic math.

Six hours!
That means the parents

had to drive for three hours...

before they realized that
little brat was not in the car.

'Cause you didn't have
to have a seatbelt.

I told you,
'cause nobody cared about us.

You could lay
in the back window.

You could lay on the hump.
No one cared.

You could run along side.
They thought it was funny.

-They did not care.

You'd go to try...
Try to put a seatbelt on

and your father'd go,
"Oh, well, what do you think

-I'm a bad driver?"

It's just different.
We could do anything we want.

Go anywhere.
Be like, "I'm going outside."

Outside and inside.

Like, literally.
Your parents knew

that your friend's house was
eight miles down the street...

across traffic.
You had to ride your bicycle

that the handlebars
were way up here.

That's why we all have
back problems

'cause we had to...
You'd go across...

Four Dobermans would chase you.

Dobermans, millennials,
that was the meanest dog we had.

-We didn't have Pit Bulls.

We invented that for you
'cause we can't hit you.


figure we can scare you
into submission.

'Cause nobody hits you.
We... We got hit by everybody.


You could get hit at school.

You could get paddled at school.

You didn't get detention.
The principal could paddle you.

-Right, Mr. Casella?

Right? Different.

You'd go down
to your friend's house.

What was the big thing?
What was it?

They didn't... They didn't have
a cell phone on you, right?

Or a little longitude, latitude.
What was their

big protection scheme for us
when we were kids?

"Take your little brother.
Take your little brother."

"Oh, so, what?
The kidnapper wouldn't have

to come back twice?
Is that why?"

Why make him put miles
on his van?

It was a good time
and different things.

Like, you know, it was pure.

As a kid we didn't have to...

When you learned,
you learned in school

and then you went home
and you didn't have to learn

anything else, right?

We didn't have...
No one read to us

-to teach us stuff.

Don't look at it.
I see some of the parents

around here. I know.
My mother knows. She's here.

Nobody read to us.
You guys handed us a book

-with a record in it.

"Go to your room.
The fairy will tell you

-when to turn the page."

Just didn't wanna deal.

Cartoons didn't teach
us anything.

My son watches, uh...
He knows how to speak Spanish

from that Dora the Explorer,

Granted, all he can say is
"Where's the map?"

-But, whatever.

Uh, we might need to know
where the map is one day.

I don't know.
We didn't learn anything.

We had three hours of cartoons
on a Saturday morning

that you better not wake
your parents up for...

'cause they had gotten drunk
the night before.

-'Cause they did back then.

Okay? Listen, now even some
of you might get drunk tonight.

You'll have to pretend
you have the flu tomorrow.

We knew they got drunk.
We would tell people

they were getting drunk.
We'd be like...

It'd be Friday,
we'd be at lunch going,

"You should ask your mom
if you can come over

'cause Dad is gonna get paid,
they're gonna get drunk,

-and argue over who shot J.R."

I know.
Saturday mornings were crazy.

Crazy. That's... Those were
the mornings, to, uh...

that other brothers
and sisters were made.

I mean, I don't know for sure.

-My one brother does...

-'cause he walked in.

Now, I don't know what he saw,

but I can tell you what I heard.

He went to rat on me.

Uh, because in the old days,
you remember there was only

one TV in the house,
so it was a brawl

to figure out who was gonna
watch what they wanted to watch

when the parents weren't around.

It was all-out, battle war

and I don't wanna brag,
but I'm a good crotch puncher.


I have a certain set of skills
and, uh...

a knuckle to the nads
is like a Taser

-and I was always able

to watch Shazaamor Isis
when I wanted to.

So he went to tell on me.

And this is what I heard.
I heard... I heard him

pound on the door...
And he must've pounded so hard

that the door opened, right?

And, uh, I heard my mother go,

-And then I heard my father go,

- "Get the hell outta here!"

And then I heard my brother go,

"Get... off... my... mommy!"

And then an hour later
his eye went crooked.

-Like it just...

It was like,
"I have seen enough.

There's a..."

That's my brother, "Cockeye."

It's hard to have siblings.

When you grow up
and your family gets big.

Why is it on the holidays
we always have to go

to the person house
who... who, um,

does the best?
Why can't we go to the one

-who does the worst?

Why can't we go to
To-doo To-doo's house?


His girlfriend has lawn chairs
with duct tape.

Wouldn't matter
if we messed those up.

-I got a cousin who's a hoarder.

We could all go to her house.

-She would never know.

If a tornado hit her house
it would just put stuff away.

-I mean, it's...

Choppers would be flying over.

"There's horrible
and utter devastation

except for this one house.
It's immaculate."

-Family was different.

Just being a kid you could
do what you wanted, you know?

It... It was a different time.

And, you know, you... you tried
to... tried to stay in a group.

That was a big thing.
'Cause God forbid you got lost.

-No one looked for you.

No one looked for you.
There was no Amber Alert for us.

I didn't even know
a broad named Amber

until I was 21
and went to Vegas.

I picked up one of those
hooker trading cards

off the ground. I'm like...

"No wonder they're letting
everybody know

-she's coming to town.

Uh, got it."

They didn't look for you
when we were kids, did they?

What'd they do? Huh?

They didn't do anything.
They didn't...

Psychics and search dogs
walking the grid.

They just took
your school picture and put it

-on a milk carton.

And you better pray
people had cereal for breakfast.

'Cause if they had bacon
and eggs, you'd be lost forever.

It was a tough generation.

Even... Even the commercials
were tou...

Like, do you remember...
You can go watch this on YouTube

there was a commercial that

these kids tried to feed
their little brother

all the food
that they didn't want to eat.

Remember? "Feed it to Mikey.

-He likes it."

And they would
force-feed this kid

all their food.

Apparently, in the one
commercial he liked it,

so they were happy,
but what that means is

they had fed him other stuff
that he had thrown up

-a whole bunch of times.

And those kids became famous.

Right? They...
There even was a rumor...

There's a rumor about Mikey
from the commercial.

That... We had a rumor that

he had Pepsi and Pop Rocks...

-and it killed him.

That's how jacked up
our generation was

that nobody spoke to us
that we thought

Pepsi and Pop Rocks
would kill you.

We had the weirdest thing.

There was "Just Say No." Right?

That was a wonderful thing
Nancy Reagan did.

Then they had a commercial.
Uh, "This is your brain."

And it was a frying pan, right?

And they would
crack an egg on it.

"This is your brain."
And this is the frying pan,

right? Okay? Look, this is...

And they they'd crack the egg
and it would fry

and they would go,
"This is your brain on drugs."

Like, it's all fried up.
And then you're like,

-"Oh, that looks good.

Wait a second."
God forbid that commercial

came on and my father
was sitting

in the living room with us.
"Don't worry about the egg,

I'm just gonna hit you with the
pan if you do drugs."

Here's where we learned

-ABC Afterschool Special.

-'Cause you... Right? That was it.

They're the ones who cared about
us enough

to talk to us about topics.

They'd talk to us about topics
that are so controversial

that if you talk to your child
about it tonight,

they'd have an investigation
started on you on Monday.

Stuff that literally...
And they would trick us!

For you who don't know,

they would trick us.
They would take the popular

child actors of the day
and then put them

in the afterschool special
in these horrible situations.

Like, Jodie Foster
was playing baseball

in a Disney film on the weekend

and she was a heroin addict
on Wednesday afternoon

-in the afterschool special.

She was so bad
of a heroin addict.

She would go into room
after school.

She'd go upstairs
into the back of her closet,

she'd shoot up
and all the '70s lava lamp

weirdo things would come on.

And she'd come
out of the closet...

-which I still find ironic...

Um, that was
another afterschool special.

-I think starring Robbie Benson.

-I'm not sure, um...

-and her parents had moved.


It wasn't "Just Say No,"
it was "Your People Will Go."


That's why no one
of our generation does heroin.

'Cause we saw what the hell
happened to Jodie Foster.

That's why!

I'll never forget this one.

This one I'll ne...
This one, if you saw this,

it changed your life.
It changed mine.

There were these kids that
were playing on the playground.

Just playing.
Swinging on swings.

Sliding down slides.
By themselves, by the way

-'cause you could back then.

Right? There are play dates now.

That's what they do with kids.

That was a whole thing for me
when I became a parent.

I didn't know about that.
My son was five.

He wanted to have a play date
with this little boy, Justin.

Uh, but that meant I had to
call Justin's mother

and coordinate their schedules

so they could pick boogers

Justin's mother
was one of those "tiger mothers"

and she had him, uh,
she was just,

"Oh, Justin's not available
on Tuesday

'cause that's when
he has Chinese and cello."

And I'm like, "You need to..."
Yeah, what are we?

-Negotiating trade deals?

I go, "You need
to let Justin come over.

Let the neighbor kids
beat the hell outta him

'cause that's the life
you're setting Justin

-up for over there."

Finally Justin's mother
found a date that was...

Was open in his schedule

and, uh, she came over

and she walked in

and she sat down on my couch...

-and she stayed.

some of you don't understand

-why that's even funny.

-But I did not invite her over.

I invited her child over
to play with my child

'cause I'm busy.
I only have one kid.

You're supposed to have two
so they can play together.

Plus, in case one's an idiot,
you have somewhere else to live

-when you get old, okay?


It is what it is. Right?

That's why a whole bunch
of people moved to Florida

'cause they
struck out completely.

You think those gates
are for their safety?

No, it's to keep the dumb kids
from coming to visit.

She stayed!

Now, listen, our parents
would just drop us off.

Not even, really.
You'd be like, uh,

Thursday night you'd be like,
"Ma, can I spend the night

at Suzie's house?"
She's like, "Oh, yeah,

I'll write you a bus pass.
See you Saturday."

-They didn't care.

I'm busy. I don't...
Millennials, I know you

don't understand "busy"
sometimes 'cause you're young

and you... I'm saying
all this with love.

I'm trying to help you
understand that sometimes

time is the most precious

I don't have time
to do a lot of stuff.

I don't have time.
Like, that's how you

get in trouble
'cause you have too much time.

Your threesomes and all that
weird sex stuff you do.

I don't have time for that.

If there was another woman
in bed with my husband and I,

I'd be like,
"You got this covered?

-'Cause I got things to do."

I'm busy. We're busy.

That's not a sex joke.
That's a time management joke,

-by the way.

-All I wanna do is sleep.

Sometimes we sleep
and have sex at the same time.


My favorite position is awake.

Uh, I don't even wanna
get into that stuff.

It is weird to talk about
that stuff.

Where is he? Is he looking?

Look, the fact of the matter is
is I-I...

I'll never forget
that afterschool special

and, you guys...
There was one, these kids

are just playing
on the playground.

Enjoying themselves. Kid stuff!

And this grown, '70s man
walked on the playground.

And they all walk like this
'cause they had

bellbottoms on with heels

and he had a camera
around his neck.

'Member before it was
in your phone?

When it was two separate things?

You actually had to have film
and a flash?

He was like, "Hey, kids...

anyone wanna come over
and take some pictures?

I've got ice cream."
And it got weird.

-Just like it did in this room

-right now.

That is
the appropriate response.

But, you see,
in the afterschool special,

someone had to fall prey
to the problem

so your little butt
wouldn't do those things.

So youcould learn the lesson
vicariously through that child.

And it was the '70s.

They were not
politically correct.

It was usually
always the chubby kid.

-I did not make the rules.

I was seven.

And, sure enough,
the chubby kid raised his hand.

He was like,
"I'll come with you."

And they skipped off

and it cut to commercial.

And I will never forget
sitting in the living room

with my brothers thinking, "Huh.

I don't think that boy was
supposed to go with that man.

That man is a stranger
and you're not supposed

to go with strangers."

But To-doo To-doo's a chubby kid

and he was like, "I wonder what
kind of ice cream that man had."


I like having you guys here.

I like most people.


Not a big fan of the Amish.
Just so you know.

-Uh, just being honest.

They're not here. Don't worry.

That would be weird
if they were, right?

Wouldn't that be weird?
Like, "What up, Tammy?"

And Jedadiah trying...

They have a whole
bunch of little Amish Ubers

-hanging out.

I have lots of reasons
behind why

if you really must know.

Uh, first of all, uh...

they show up at Walmart with
smallpox and polio.

We cured it a long time ago.

I don't...
They didn't get the memo.

They charge you four times
as much for something

that's Amish built

-and you see 'em at Home Depot.

And I'll tell you another reason
I don't like 'em.

I have a puppy. Sixteen weeks.

Beautiful little
golden retriever, okay?

Beautiful dog.
Now the last time I had a dog

I was a little kid.

I didn't understand that there
are new rules for dogs now.

Now if a dog
goes to the bathroom,

-you have to pick it up.

Four or five times a day
I got a bag.

I'm... I'm walking around
with a hot turd in a bag.

This is my glamorous life
over here.

Hot turd in a bag. Hot turd...

It's like a country song.

I don't...

I'm driving to get here.

Amish dude pulls in front of me.

Horse craps all over the road.

He doesn't even turn around
and look at me!

-And he doesn't pay taxes.

By the way, you're not even
supposed to be on the road.

You don't pay taxes for those.
Is that... That's the kinda...

That's what happens, so...
That's another thing.

You know you're old when you go,
"Oh, they don't even pay taxes.

- "Get off my property."

This is what happened
in my life is I have been

all around the world
and I will tell you one thing,

if you can
save yourself some time...

'cause, remember,
time is precious,

don't engage the crazy.

Do you understand what I'm mean?

Don't ask people
their thought process.

-Don't ever ask why...

'cause you'll never understand
how crazy people think

'cause you're not crazy, right?

Don't ask, "Why?"
Like Nancy Kerrigan.

- "Why?!"

Google Nancy Kerrigan.

I know. I know. I know.
I know. I know.

I know
you don't know who she is.

That's why I wrote that joke.

We didn't know who Abe Lincoln
was, but we figured it out.

-All right?

And we had to go to the library
and get an encyclopedia.

-Google "encyclopedia."

It's a different time.

Don't ask "why." It will never...

It'll make you crazy
and then your brain doesn't...

Like, if you walk
into someone's house

and they have more than two
Chia Pets,

turn around and walk
right back out.

You're never
gonna understand that.

If you have those
little stickers of your whole,

entire family
on your back window,

punch yourself
repeatedly in the head.


It's unnecessary.


All you're doing is showing the
weirdos, "Follow me home.

-I got kids there. Come on.

Get your camera.
Bring your ice cream."

Think about things.

Why do you make it hard
on yourself?

Don't do... And I...
Listen, I get it.

I do stupid stuff.

I was on the plane
the other day.

I was getting on a plane
and I engaged crazy.

I didn't mean to.
I just wasn't thinking.

I saw a lady. She was by herself

and she was in front of me.

She was running down the jetway.

and I did not see her face,

but she had a double stroller.

And I thought,
"I'm gonna help her."

Because not only is she
by herself with two kids,

but I don't know if you've
folded a stroller

in the past decade,

but you need
an engineering degree, okay?

It's like origami or something.

So I ran up and I'm like,
"Hey, ma'am, um...

can I... "And just as I said that

I looked down... two dogs.

-Okay, listen,

I've already explained to you
I got a dog. I love animals.

I just wasn't prepared
to see 'em in a ride.

-Okay? Take it down a notch.

I engaged the crazy...
as politely as possible,

though, now, because...
Listen, I'm an expert at it.

Um, I was like, "Uh...

-what the hell is going on?"

'Cause that's the best I have.
You have to know who you are.

She was like... She said,
"Oh, that's my calming dog."

Calming dog.
That's a real thing.

No, no, in all honesty
that's a real thing.

Some people need that.
They have...

They have seizure disorder.
They have PTSD.

They have Two for Flinching

-I don't know what it is.

They need it. Okay.

Now, I gotta
be on a plane with you.

-Whatever you need.

But I'm the dummy
'cause I went back in

and I was like...

- "What about that dog?"

-Oh, hold on.

She said,
"That's hiscalming dog."

Do you know
how crazy you have to be

that your calming dog
needs a calming dog?

That the dog whose sole purpose
in life it is

to take you down a notch goes,
"This broad is crazy.

-I need backup."

You shouldn't be allowed to walk
out amongst the rest of us.

I laugh a lot.
Uh, in... I don't come from

a lot of laughter in my family.
Like, my grandparents,

they didn't laugh a lot.
They were immigrant people.

They... They were married,
uh, gosh, I think like 54 years.

-And they hated each other.

It was a little game called
Whoever Dies First

The Other One Wins
All the Good Stuff.

-Uh, you think I'm kidding,

but I didn't realize
how much they hated each other

till the day before
I got married.

My grandfather picked me up

and we were gonna go
to breakfast and he goes,

uh, "Hey, Tam...

today is the best day
of you life."

I said, "But, Papa,
I get married tomorrow."

He goes, "I know. Today...

-is the best day."

My grandmother, um...
Some of you saw my grandmother

when... when I was younger.
My grandmother looked just like

an Italian movie star.
Just like Danny DeVito.

-Uh, but...

shorter and hairier.
If that's possible.

Um, she was mean.

If you showed up.
Like, you were the...

You were the stranger
coming to the house,

the moment you walked through
the door, she'd be like,

"You hungry?
I make a you something."

With her apron just sitting on
like she'd been wearing

an apron her whole life. Right?

You say,
"No, no, I'm good. Thank you."

She goes, "Oh, come on.
I make a you something."

Say, "No, no, I'm good.
Thank you."

And then her eye would twitch
just a little bit.

She'd be like,
"I make a you something."

-Then somewhere in the back

of your mind you remember,
like, the Troll

-and the Billy-Goatstory.

So you'd find yourself
sitting at the kitchen table

and within, like, four minutes
a seven-course Italian meal

would show up in front of you
that someone

on the Food Network would
knock somebody out over, right?

And you'd leave my house
and you'd go, "Oh, my God.

Your grandmother's so nice!"

And then I'd shut the door

and then her head would spin
around like The Exorcist.

She'd go, "That sum of a bitch.

Every time
he come here he hungry."

"You're a gargoyle.

You should sit on the roof
and scare owls away."


You would think that would
prepare me for a mother-in-law.

Right? My grand...
Listen, I love my mother-in-law.

I've talked about her
in my specials before.

Um, and I'm brave enough
to talk about her now

-'cause she's not here.

I-I... This is... Listen,
you make your judgments.

So, uh, the first Mother's Day
when I had my son,

my two sister-in-laws,
on my husband's side,

they had had two babies as well.

We all had babies
within a month apart.

Three babies. Three months.
First grandchildren.

So excited
for first Mother's Day

and there's a message
on my phone from her

and I thought, "Wow, this is...
Finally we're bonding

'cause we're both mothers
and this is..."

And it said... And she's
right from Italy, too.

She goes, uh, "Hello?

This is your mother-in-law.

You don't know
'cause you never call me.

I just wanna say
I don't give a shit

who make-a the baby.

I'ma the one that make-a
the man that make-a the baby.

Mother's Day about my house.

I don't give a shit.

God bless you."

She didn't say "God bless you."
I just wanted to make her

-seem softer.

But I love her son.

You know, you find...
You find, uh...

-Aww, sweet.

There's a baby here.
That's awesome.


it's so nice.
Do we... Is it 16 and Pregnant?

Are we filming that
at the same time?

-By the way...

can I tell you something?

I know they told us
not to get pregnant

when you're in high school
and stuff like that, right?

They always said,
"Don't do that."

But now that I'm old with a kid
I'm like,

"That might not have been
a bad idea."

Uh, I would've missed prom.

This is... This is hard
to be in charge of a kid

and my parents at the same time.

-There's never a break.

It's the same
with the generation and you

can't eat bread
'cause you weigh 5,000 pounds.

I don't know.
I'm always tired by the way.

There's never...
Kids, you wanna know why?

Here's something else.

Millennials, you wanna feel good
about yourself?

Our generation
is always tired why?

Not 'cause we wanna be old.
It's 'cause we have to wake up

and go to the bathroom
17 times a night.

Eventually that goes away,

'Cause you stop waking up.
I can't wait for that.

I'll just pee the bed.
I don't care.

Think I'm above it?

Some people, you know, you...
You travel through life

and your waters run parallel

and you find your mate
and then some of you,

like me, you marry the hot kid
from the slow class.

-It doesn't matter.

Uh, it doesn't matter.

We don't have to be on the same
reading comprehension level.

What does he have to do?
Just guard the perimeter.

That's all I'm looking for
at this point.

Walk the wall
every once in a while.

I love my husband.
I think one of the reasons

I kinda got a little bit
grumpier in my old age

is because what they don't tell
you about marriage...

when one person snores,
the other person

loses all credibility

because they
no longer believe you.

When you say, "You snore."

Their response is,
"No, I don't."

-Oh, now I'm a liar?

I have to prove it to you?
I have to film you

like I'm looking for a Yeti
in the Andes?


Why would I make up
that he snored?

I'm in the business of words.

I can make up something
way more fantastical.

Like, "You know what you do
while you sleep?

-You juggle.

I know. It's the craziest thing.

I woke up
in the middle of the night,

-pillows hitting the ceiling...

-in a rhythmic formation."

You know what
I'd wish he'd do in his sleep?

Mow the lawn.
That's what I wish.

-Oh, my God.

I love my husband,
but he's from Brooklyn

-and he mows crop circles.

Investigators are showing up
in our yard all the time.

Things happen, you know,
when you get married.

We just went through something
and we stuck through it.

He got really sick
and we had to have a...

I wasn't prepared to have.

He said to me,
"If something happens to me

I want you to know
it's okay with me

if you get married again."

And I was like...

"I didn't even
wanna get married this time.


what are the odds I get
knocked up at 48 years old?"

Forty-eight for all of you
who are trying to figure it out.

And then it, you know,
and then I realized

he was like, "Come on.
Take it seriously."

I knew what he wanted to hear.

So, you gotta give that
to your partner sometimes.

So I said, "Uh, listen...

no matter what happens...

for as long
as I walk this planet

there will be one man
who calls me his wife...

and that's you."

'Cause what
am I supposed to say?

"Oh, give me Mike's number
in case you're in a coma"?

You might be comatose
so I don't know...

"You will be my only husband."

And you could tell
he was relieved.

But I will bang a lot of people.


'Cause I didn't
when I was a kid, okay?

Millennials, uh,
you don't slut shame,

-we slut shamed a lot. A lot.

Not only were there afterschool
specials about it,

quite frankly, they could take
your home number.

You didn't even have to do
anything wrong.

Someone could get mad at you
and put your home number

in a boys bathroom
and it would say,

"For a good time call," right?

And that didn't mean,
"Oh, we'll sit around

and we'll talk about books
and stuff like that."

And they would call your house.

Not your Instagram account.
Not your Facebook page.

Not your cell phone.
They would call your house

where there was usually
one phone and my grandmother

answered the phone
like it was her job.

-Like she was the operator.

And in her little, Italian mind
she could never understand

that a stranger would call us
and we might not

know who that person is.
She never believed it.

I remember this one time
someone did that to me.

I don't know what it was over
and, uh, she was like,

"This... This man he want-a
talk to you."

I go,
"I don't know who that is."

- "He say he know you."

"Nona, I don't know who that..."

- "He say you do a good job."

I didn't say that.
You said that in your head.

-Not me.

Don't you think everything
has become sexualized?

I think everything...
That's the other thing.

I think we did it to ourselves.

You want to have equality...

and I know you do, right?

But you can't... You gotta stop
sexualizing everything.

You can't ask for equal wo...
Equal pay for equal work

and then read
Fifty Shades of Grey.

-Come on, you know that!

You can't do that kind of stuff.
That's the difference.

Because you wanna know why?
Then you gotta have a safe word.

What is that? I don't...

Wanna know what my safe word is?
"Get the hell off of me."

-How about that?

You can't do that to yourself.

But I think that that's
a different story now, too,

because safe word is now
from those books!

They are part of the vernacular
now because we have

now adopted
a sexualized culture.

That's where... where a safe word
'cause people are apparently

getting their head banged
against the headboard so hard

that their skull splits and
their brains come flying out.

I said to my husband,
"If you could do that,

-why would I stop you?"

-We're all gonna die.

"What happened to Tammy?"
"Well, she came and she went."

That's why I told you,
"Don't bring kids."

I'm not dirty,
but I'm a grown-up.

Some things are for grown-ups.

Some things... There's a different
life now as a grown-up.

You have to think about things
a little bit more.

When we were kids they didn't
put ratings on movies, right?

We didn't have any ratings.
We went to see Jaws.

Didn't know it was rated R

'cause they
didn't care about us.

Jawswas a game changer,
by the way.

Jawsis why
our whole generation...

is fascinated with sharks.

Because of Jaws.

Because that was... I mean, like,
I love Shark Week.

Anything that has to do with it.
And you have to watch

what you say on social media now
'cause people's crazy comes out

and there's
a written record of it.

And I wrote... I said, um...
'cause there's this one beach

that I watched on Shark Week,
uh, for four years...

You know this?
You're getting excited about it?

For four years on the same day
at the same time

there's been a shark attack,

And I... Yeah, for real.
That's true.

I have super-human hearing.
Don't test me.

-I don't have a lot of skills.

Uh, dick punching,
super-human hearing,

and I can tell the time
within seven minutes.

-It's a weird thing.

That Shark Week thing,
and I wrote on social media.

I said, uh, "If you take someone
to that beach on that day,

there's someone in your family
you wanna take out."

-Right? Stupid, little joke.

But I engaged someone's crazy
and this lady lost her mind.

And she goes,
"Oh, you think that's funny?

A murder is funny to you?
A shark attack?

What kind of person are you?
You must be sick.

There must be something
wrong with you.

What would you do?

What if it was
someone in your family?"

And finally I wrote her back.
I was like, "Specifically who?"


'Cause you
have to know that if you engage

someone's crazy
you better make sure

that your crazy
outweighs their crazy.

-'Cause I come from a long line.

It's generational crazy.

In my house if
someone was attacked by a shark

and they survived,
they'd be pissed that the shark

-didn't finish the job.

'Cause the first time
they showed up for the holidays

after the shark attack,
the whole family

would just be like

"Look, it's Uncle
We're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat."

You know, it's a...
different time.

We would go see...
We would go see movies.

We went to see movies that...
How did we go?

We didn't go to cinemas really.
Went to the drive-in.

You remember the drive-in?

The drive-in.
Public place to see a movie

that your whole family would go
and your parents would tell you,

"We're going to the drive-in,
go put your pajamas on."

-To go in public.

They would tell you to put
your pajamas on

in case you fell asleep
in the car

so you'd be comfortable
when they left you in the car.

You woke up in the driveway
at two o'clock in the morning

scared to death to get in
or out of the...

-You didn't know what to do.

You can't leave
a kid in a car now.

You can't leave a dog...

You can't leave a
head of lettuce in the car.

Someone will call somebody.

Uh, my cousin's husband
left his phone in the car.

Speaking of leaving stuff
in the car and, uh,

she went through it 'cause
sometimes that's what people do.

And, uh, she found
he had been sending...

some pictures
of his private area

to girls that he works with.

It's horrible, right?
I know. I know.

But can I just say this?

I think, men,
we set you up for failure...

-because we've given you

the technology
while you still have your penis.

You're gonna
do something with it.

That's ju... I mean,
I'm sure there's an Amish dude

right now tracing it
on a piece of parchment.

Uh, he's got
the candle behind him

getting the proper glow.

He's gotta dip the quill
in the inkwell.

Then he's really gotta commit.
He rolls it up like a scroll

and trots it over
to his girl's house.

He knocks on the door.
"Herest thou goeth, Rebecca."

-And Rebecca unrolls it

and her bonnet flies off
and she can't churn butter

correctly for a week.

I told my husband,
"Don't ever do that."

-No class or dignity with that.

I don't need a picture
of your penis.

-I own it.

No one sends me a picture
of my house

-when I'm out of town.

Somehow, miraculously,
I end up in the same place.

Plus, I got a kid
and my parents come over a lot

and an Apple TV
and an iPhone, right?

So, then you know what happens.

When your television's on a lull

whatever's in your phone
shows up on your TV.

-I don't have to explain that.


yeah, that's just a weird
rock formation in Sedona.

That's why I took the picture."

-It was different.

Just different
when we were kids.

We didn't have
to worry about that stuff.

All we did was we, you know,
we went with our family.

We went back to the drive-in

that's where we were
in our pajamas.

You'd go play
on a playground up front

unless you'd seen
that afterschool special.

Then you'd stay in the car
with your parents.

They had one speaker
for the car.

For the whole car.
One speaker...

that went by your father.
He was deaf anyway.

Halfway through the movie,
he'd get mad.

"Put it away.
This stupid thing!"

And you're like,
"Daddy, I can't hear."

- "Yes, you can!"

"No, I cannot."

"Go play on that playground."

Which was fun
'cause it was all kids

then the movie would start.
How would it start?

How would you know?
It got dark, right?

You'd have
to try to find your car.

But it's dark.
Even if the lights were on,

you were only three-foot high.
The headlights burned

-your retinas out.

That's why no one
in my generation

can see anything anymore.

You'd be wandering. "Mommy!


And 100 women
would lean out the window.

- "Over here!"

You couldn't differentiate
your mother's voice.

And they didn't get out of
the car 'cause they didn't care.

You were wandering around
like little, mini Moses'

-the whole movie.

Jawsmade me...
Here's what I want you to know.

Take this.
If you have learned anything

from me,
then you're beyond a genius,

but, uh... 'cause I wasn't really
teaching you anything.

But here's what I would say.

This is one thing.
I know who I am.

I know who I am.

Like, that's why
nothing can shake me.

You can call me
anything in the world.

I have to believe you, okay?

That's why bullying
doesn't work on people

who are strong in who they are.
Know who you are.

Figure it out.
Like, I want you to laugh.

I want you to enjoy it,
but you don't have to.

You only need
a certain number of friends.

You need like...
You need a 3:00 a.m. friend.

Someone who you can call
at three o'clock in the morning

and they'll show up
with a shovel and bail money

-no questions asked.

And you need yourself.

You need
to like yourself enough.

And I learned everything
I needed to know

when I was four years old
and we went to see Jaws.

Jawsis what made me tough
'cause I'll never forget.

What happens in that
first scene? What happens?

Does anyone remember? Bueller?

What happens that first scene?

The woman
takes off her clothes...

jumps in the water...

gets eaten by the shark.

-Spoiler alert, by the way.

Welcome from your coma
if you haven't seen it.

Or you're Amish and you're here.

What happens
in that first scene?

She gets eaten and then the...
Then just the hand.

Remember that?
The severed hand on the beach.

You know
that that's the most powerful

scene in the history
of film right there?

Do you know that?
They voted on it.

With the crab crawling up it

and seaweed wrapped around
the red fingernail.

You remember that?

Makes you feel some kinda way
right now.

-I was four.

My brain
couldn't comprehend that

and breathe at the same time.

I was like,.

I was in feet pajamas
for God's sake, people.


And that's when I became
who you see

'cause my mother reached into
that fear and she said the words

that would change my life.
She held me and she said,

"That's what happens
when you swim naked with boys."

I'm Tammy Pescatelli.
Thank you so much!

Good night. God bless you all.

Good night. Thank you very much.

I appreciate it. Aww.

-You guys.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Bye, you guys.

Thank you.


Buddy, I just wanted you to see

what happens when you
believe in your dreams.

Go back to Daddy.
Go back to Daddy.

And then I just...
There's so many people

that were a huge part
of this for me.

Of course, my husband, Big Luca.

Look, I didn't realize
how I dressed them the same.

Isn't that funny
how you do that?

I named my son after my husband
to prepare for Alzheimer's.

-Hi, guys.

-Okay. No butt shots, though.

-Come up front. I'm too old.

You should've caught me
in my 20s.

Because what I had said
in 10th grade

to the Guidance Councilor
was I wanted to be an actress.

And she told me
"You're from here.

If you wanna be on TV,

you're probably
gonna have to rob a bank."

Which probably
would've been a smart idea.

Although, she was wrong.
People have been on TV

because, uh, years ago
there was a show

called Real People
and they came to Perry

and they filmed because...
Chief, I don't know

if it's still around anymore,
but they...

We used to have a cop dummy.

I'm not calling
a police officer a du...

I'm saying there was
a real dummy.

-Like a mannequin...

because we only had
two or three police officers

that they used to have
to dress up in a uniform

and park by the library.
That's the only place

-they parked that car.

I don't know why they thought
that the dummy couldn't drive

-somewhere else.

And they came
and showed the whole town.

Which we were proud and not
at the same time.

So, I gotta let that go.

Uh, but...
I am more than honored

and more than blessed
to have the love and support

of you guys.
Thank you all because

then after we said
we were doing it,

-you showed up.