Talk Radio (1988) - full transcript

There's a tornado watch
for a portion of West Texas.

Brian Chadwick is with the county
sheriff's office in Sweetwater.

We're trying to get the word out to
the community to brace themselves.

We hope this thing's not gonna
develop into a real funnel...

but after Saragosa, we're
not taking any chances.

The National Weather Service says
the storm is moving northeast...

and with the exception of some rain, it
shouldn't affect the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

That's news, sports and weather. I'm
Frank Castle for KGAB talk radio news.

From the heart of
the Lone Star state,

it's time for Dallas'
most popular talk show,

Night Talk
with Barry Champlain.



# Bad to the bone #

The KGAB phone lines are open
and ready for your call...

at 555-TALK.

And now your host for Night
Talk, Barry Champlain.

The worst news
of the night is that...

three of four people say they'd rather
watch TV than have sex with their spouse.

The second worst news is that some
kids needed money for crack last night,

so they stuck a knife in the throat
of an 80-year-old grandmother...

down on Euclid Avenue
right here in Dallas.

One night
in one American city.

Multiply that by hundreds of
cities and what have you got?

A country where culture means
pornography and slasher films,;

where ethics means payoffs,
graft, insider trading,;

where integrity means lying,
whoring and intoxication.



This country is
in deep trouble, people.

This country is rotten to the core and
somebody better do something about it.

Take your hand out of that bowl of Fritos,
throw away your National Enquirer,

and pick up the phone,
hold it up to your face...

and dial 555-TALK.

Open your mouth and tell me what we're
gonna do about the mess this country's in.

"Talk radio", it's the last
neighborhood in town.

People don't talk
to each other anymore.

Let's go to
the first caller.

A lot of problems with the
country today have a lot do...

with the continued exploitation
of the third world countries.

Wait. Third world countries? Where'd
you learn that phrase, in college?

- Do you know what it means?
- You're getting off the track.

We're not getting off the track,
we're getting on.

Josh, go back to college. When
you graduate, give me a call.

A prime example of that
uniquely American institution;

the concerned
bleeding-heart liberal...

looking for people with
problems he can call his own.

- Francine in Oakline.
- I'm a transvestite.

I'm trying to save money
for an operation...

What interest do you think your adventures
in surgery hold for my listeners?

- It's something I have to talk
about. - I don't. Night Talk.

Let me put you on hold. You slip
some testosterone into Barry's coffee?

- The guy's possessed tonight.
- He's a little tense.

Get outta here!

Sometimes I come home from work and
we have dinner together, you know?

No, I don't know. You have
dinner at the table with your cat?

- With a tablecloth and
candles? - No, Barry.

- Just her own plate on the floor.
- Good.

But we eat the same things. Like if I
have a pork chop, she has a pork chop.

If I have a veal,
she has a veal.

Glenn, take my advice.

Stop hangin' around with
the pussy. Go find some.

I'm listening, Michael.
What's up?

Yeah, I heard your little
advertisement there for the pizza place.

Yeah, Jericho's Pizza. I love
that pizza. Don't you like it?

- You sound like you'd love it.
- I enjoy Jericho's Pizza.

What I wanted to say to you
tonight, Mr. Champlain, was...

I have an interest in this place,
or at least, some friends of mine...

Just use one-syllables, Billy,
if it's difficult. Oh, Michael.

- Hey, smart guy.
- Just use one-syllable...

Smart guy?
We're being "Smart guy".

We got somebody with
a little lip on us tonight.

- Hey.
- Don't call me "Hey. "

This is not a conversation. This
is a monologue. I talk, you listen.

- Understand me?
- Oh, yeah, we're listening.

Yes?
Go ahead.

I don't want you makin' any more
comments about the pizza joint.

- Do you have relatives that run the place?
- People gotta make money on this.

- Uncle Vinnie or someone?
- There are people...

You know what, Michael?
You're a meatball.

- Debbie in Highland Park.
- My name is Debbie.

Hello, Debbie.
How old are you?

- I'm 23.
- Uh-huh.

- What do you do?
- I don't do anything.

When was the last time
you did something?

I don't know.
About a month ago.

- What'd you do a month ago?
- I went swimmin'!

Mm-hmm.
What do you do for money?

I got my brother.
I haven't made any.

Debbie, you're a leech.

Don't you think it's time you got
off your duff, started making money?

Well, not really.
I got everything I want.

- But, Debbie, what do you need?
- Well...

- What are you missing that
you need? - A guy. A boyfriend.

A guy? What do you have
to offer a guy?

Well...

I have nice,
shiny long hair...

A guy could buy
himself a wig.

You can tell I don't have a wig.
It never falls off.

You're terrific, darling.
But seriously, Debbie.

Aren't you shooting for anything more
in life than looking for a free meal?

Not really.

You wanna lie around till you
find somebody to take care of you.

- Yeah.
- You're dynamic, darling.

Rhonda from Garland on the line.
Rhonda, you're on Night Talk.

Barry, I want to
express my views...

- What are you doing, Steve?
- Looking at this Dietz guy.

...up in New York City, givin'
out needles to drug addicts.

They have to do it to stop
AIDS. Clean needles help.

It's immoral for the
government of this country...

tax dollars to be
goin' to addicts.

But it's all right for our tax
dollars, four billion of them,

to go into a system
that's a complete joke.

More drugs than ever are
coming into this country.

Our courts, our jails
are clogged with cases.

The other night up in New York City,
crack dealers killed another cop.

- Any kid who wants a hit
can get one. - That's right.

When are we gonna
wake up, Rhonda?

When are we going to admit that drug
prohibition is not working in this country?

- I think...
- Know what I think?

I think we should legalize all
drugs, as sinister as that sounds.

- That's the dumbest thing
I ever heard. - Is it?

- A junkie could go to a drugstore...
- More stuff, Laura.

...sign his name,
get the stuff for a buck...

- then he doesn't have to rob or
kill for his habit. - Thanks, Ellen.

You cannot let children
have drugs.

- Why not? - Why not?
- They're gonna get it anyway.

In America today we're talking about
shooting up in the eighth grade.

We have a moral obligation
to the children.

Know what the most
dangerous drug is?

- It's heroin.
- No, it's legal.

It's tobacco.
It kills 350, 000 people a year.

You know how much coke, crack,
heroin, pot kill every year?

- Four thousand people. Will you
listen to sense? - Hello? Let me check.

Will you listen to logic,
please?

The only people who benefit
from prohibition...

are the gangsters
makin' the money on it,

the politicians condemning
it and gettin' your vote.

And who foots the bill?
You, Rhonda Q Sucker!

- I beg your pardon!
- It would end tomorrow.

The $200 billion drug problem in this
country could disappear overnight.

Legalize the damn stuff. Do it
today, right after this message.

I'm Barry Champlain.
This is Night Talk.

We're gonna go to a message.
I'll be right back after I shoot up.

Who's the schlub?

Barry, Dan and I wanted to tell you
before the show we have some good news.

- Barry? - Dan, I can't talk
right now. I gotta take a leak.

I'll catch you later,
okay?

Stu, cool it with the baseball calls
and the transvestites. How's the lines?

- I got five hanging on already.
- Give me 45.

- You got it. Barry, - I'd like
you to meet Chuck Dietz,

V.P. in charge of advertising,
Metro Wave, Chicago.

- Really? Very nice to meet you.
- It's my pleasure.

I've been reading all
your press clippings...

and listening to tapes
of your shows for weeks.

- And?
- And you're really something.

- You're very funny.
- I try to amuse.

- I'm in the middle of a show. I've
gotta move it along. - Genius at work.

Metro Wave's picking up the show starting
Monday, linking it to a national feed.

Some people at Humphrey's Coffee
want to sponsor the show nationally.

We're at cold; 30, Bar.

Wait a minute. The show's going
national starting Monday night?

When did this happen?

- Don't I get a say in this?
You know about this? - Yeah.

- Dan... - We didn't know anything
about it until tonight.

No sense getting you all
excited until it panned out.

Chuck is here to be the eyes and
ears of Metro Wave, so to speak.

- So to speak.
- Fifteen, Bar.

Why don't you go ahead.
We can talk later.

We got a hot show. We're talking
Larry King here, coast to coast.

It's always a hot show,
Dan. Stu, find me a catheter.

- Extra hot. We'll get a
contract for six months. - Jawohl.

You're listening
to the best talk in Texas.

Barry Champlain on KGAB.
You know about this?

Yeah. Chill, will you, Barry?
The bucks don't suck. Stand by.

- 555-TALK.
- Yo.

Metro Wave Broadcasting is
a giant media corporation...

specializing
in broadcast radio.

It has 357
affiliate stations...

in the United States
and Canada.

Two minutes ago
I received a phone call...

from the man who controls
those 357 stations...

the president of
Metro Wave Broadcasting.

He asked me if Metro Wave
could pick up this show,

pick up Barry Champlain for national
syndication, beginning Monday night.

I've had
these offers before,

and I've been asked in the past
if I could ever soften my touch,

go a little easier, and my
answer has always been the same;

Take it or leave it.

He took it.

And so,
beginning Monday night,

this show, Night Talk,
begins national broadcasting.

That means the nation
is listening.

You better have something
to say. I know I do.

And we have Chet from Mesquite
on the line.

Hello, Chet.
Hello?

- You think you're so smart.
- Hello?

Why are you always talkin'
about the drugs and niggers...

and homos and Jews?

- Isn't there anything else to talk about?
- You know what I hate?

I hate people who tell me what
they don't wanna talk about.

You don't wanna talk about blacks
and gays, why'd you bring them up?

Sounds like you like
talking about them.

Tell me what you wanna talk
about, or get off the phone.

- Why don't you start telling the truth?
- About what?

You know. People behind your
show, people who pay the bills.

- Talking about the sponsors now.
- Don't you act dumb with me.

What kind of a name
is Champlain?

- I want you to cancel my plane
reservations for tonight. - You changed it?

- I'm gonna come in tomorrow.
- Maybe because it sounded too Jewish.

Call Freddie.
Tell him to call me tomorrow.

- Change the name, get a nose job,
same old story. - Chet, come on!

- He started out a bit shaky.
- Your attitude reminds me of a story.

Last summer
I visited Germany.

Wanted to take a look
at Hitler's homeland.

Are you familiar
with Adolf Hitler, Chet?

I'm familiar
with Adolf Hitler.

I bet you are.

I decided to visit the remains
of a concentration camp

on the outskirts of Munich:
Dachau.

You join a tour group, go out by bus,
get out at the gate. It's chilling.

A sign over the gate says,
"Arbeit Macht Frei. "

It means, "Work will make you free",
something the Nazis told their prisoners.

- You still listening to me, Chet?
- I'm counting your lies.

Good. I wanna make sure
you're hearing them.

I'm walking around this concentration
camp, and I see something on the ground.

I picked it up.
Guess what I found, Chet?

A tiny Star of David.
Very old.

Who knows? It might've belonged to
one of the prisoners at the camp.

Maybe a small boy
torn from his parents...

as they were dragged off
to the slaughterhouse.

I kept that Star of David.

I know I shouldn't have, but I did.
I keep it right here on my console.

I like to hold it
sometimes.

In fact, well...
I'm holding it right now.

I like to hold it in my hand
to give me courage.

Maybe some of the courage that small
boy had as he faced unspeakable evil...

can enter me as I face
the trials in my own life...

as I face the cowardly
and the narrow-minded.

The bitter, bigoted people who
hide behind anonymous phone calls...

full of hatred
and poisonous bile.

The gutless,
spineless people...

like you, Chet,
who make me puke!

Keep talkin', Jewboy.
Life is short.

Stu, let's send
a microwave oven out to Chet.

And we have Kent on the line.
Yeah, Kent?

- I need help.
- Shoot.

I like to party
with my girlfriend.

- How old are you?
- Nineteen.

- How old's your girlfriend?
- Seventeen.

- Okay, go ahead.
- So we like to party, you know?

- When you're partying, where are
your parents? - On a vacation.

He's so excited about it.
Look at him.

I think it's Fiji.
Is that right?

- Is there a place called Fiji? - Excuse me.
I'm gonna take care of some stuff.

Your parents are on vacation in a
place called Fiji, and you're partying.

Yeah, that's what I wanted
to ask you about, Bar.

- See, we've been partying
for a couple of days. - Uh-huh.

Smokin' coke, crack.

Free-base.

Sounds pretty sordid, Kent. You've
been smoking crack with your girlfriend.

- What else you been up to?
- Drinkin'.

- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know.

I drank a bottle of 100-proof whiskey
yesterday 'cause I was gettin' paranoid.

Jill was doin' some acid
with some Valium.

It was...

Kent, you need to call a doctor,
have your stomach pumped.

- Let me give you a number to call.
- That's why I'm callin' you.

- Why?
- It's Jill.

- She's been sleepin' a long time...
- No, no, no.

She's been sleepin'
and she won't wake up.

Don't waste my time with this baloney.
When you get outta detox, give me a call.

- She's turnin' blue.
- She's turning blue?

Great. Just give Stu your address
and we'll send an ambulance there now.

Give Stu your address, we'll
send an ambulance in two minutes.

- I can't! I can't! - I'm gonna
get your address. Kent, hello?

Hello?

I'm really glad people like Kent
are out there and I'm inside here.

We're gonna go to
a little commercial break now.

Whoo-whee! Jericho's Pizza, down
Route 111 at the Jericho Turnpike.

They got pizza you'll never forget. One
slice, you don't have to eat for a week.

I saw a guy in there combing his hair with
his stuff off the plate. Jericho's Pizza.

We have the news and weather coming up,
then we'll be back with more Night Talk.

- Here's your mail.
- You read it.

What's the problem tonight?
Fight with the old lady?

- No, there's no problems.
- Throwing me some real curve balls.

- What's wrong with curve balls, Bar?
- Some call.

- It's a hoax.
- How can you be sure?

A hoax. Stu, who's this Henry?
You didn't give me this.

Who's Denise from Fort Worth?
I didn't get that.

- Maybe Laura should take the calls.
- These people were stiffs.

- You want stiffs,
I'll give you stiffs. - No, Stu.

I don't want stiffs. Am I
speaking English? Read my lips.

Keep the show moving,
give me stuff I can work with.

- You having trouble understanding me?
- No, I'm not having trouble.

As a matter of fact,
I read you loud and clear.

Good!

Barry?

Barry.

Honey, just relax.
Everything's under control.

It's my ass on the line,
not yours.

All you have to do
is just be nice.

Okay?
Just for tonight.

You be nice, Laura.
It's what you're good at.

You're not gonna lose
even with a 15...

Jerry, I'm gonna put you on hold.
Something wrong, Barry?

I can't work with him breathing
down my neck. I want him out now!

I have your contract right here. Why
don't you take it and look it over.

You dump it on me the Friday
before it's gonna happen.

You stick some putz
in the middle of my studio.

I feel like I'm auditioning
for my own job!

- Barry, calm down.
- You don't care.

Just stick me out there,
see how it goes.

Doesn't work out, flush Barry
down the toilet, right?

You're not gonna get me to apologize
for getting you a slot on national radio.

I worked very hard on this deal,
and I'm happy with it.

If you're not,
we tear up the contract,

we don't do
the Metro Wave hookup.

Big mistake, guy. I think it's worth the
gamble because I think the show is good.

Barry, you are good. And it will blow
them away everywhere it's heard.

Dietz goes with the deal.
Grin and bear it.

You do your job,
I'll do mine.

Did you run Sani Clean
before the news?

- Yes, I did.
- You up with your log?

- There's a Harry's, a Firestone, a logo.
- They're all on track.

Good. Don't let it get to you.
It's been a strange night.

There's nothing strange about it.
How long you been working here?

- Four months. - How long you
been sleeping with him?

- Listen, Ellen.
- I was gonna cheer you up.

Metro Wave, the network, is picking
up the show. We're going national.

- Oh, my God. In Chicago too?
- Yeah, in Chicago too.

- It's not that simple exactly...
- You must be so excited!

Yeah, of course
I'm excited.

We got this character here from
the company keeping an eye on me.

- I'll be right off the phone. - Ellen,
will you tell him you're talking to me?

I like this stuff. Nights like
tonight are what it's all about.

You either get used to it or you get lost.
That's what his wife did, left him.

So did the two producers who were here
before you. But big Stu stayed, didn't he?

- I don't have to take his shit. I'm not
his wife. - You're not, but I am.

This is not the best time
forme to talk.

Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry I'm calling so late.

- It's just that... this is
important. - Barry, 20!

I need your help with something.
I never ask you for anything and...

Barry...

Can you come to Dallas
over the weekend, till Tuesday?

- What? - I just need someone
here I can trust. It's...

- It's important.
- Damn it! Come on!

- I don't think he's gonna let me.
- Forget it.

Forget it.
Don't come.

He answered,
"The night he didn't come home. "

- No, that happened all the time.
- Ellen?

I'm thinking, okay?

Five, Bar.

- alright. Sunday? You pick me
up at the airport. - Strap in, Bar.

- Yeah, I'll be there.
- Here we go.

- Look, I gotta go. Bye. - You're
listening to the best talk in Texas.

The phone lines are open, and
your calls are invited now...

at 555-TALK.

Bob, what a relief.
How you doing tonight?

Terrific.
Very well, thank you.

I hope you're not gonna get
too busy to take my calls.

No show is complete without
your call. How are the legs?

They're fine, an ache or two.
But you know what I say?

When they give you lemons,
make lemonade.

- You can't cry over spilled milk.
- Cry, and you cry alone.

You can't lose
what you never had.

Because you don't know
what you got until you lost it.

So don't lose hope.
This too shall pass.

Because today is the first day
of the rest of your life.

Yeah, and it's always darkest
before dawn. Bob, could I just...

People think that life in a wheelchair
must be the worst thing in the world.

That's not the way
I look at it.

I imagine the worst thing
in the world would be...

bein' unthankful for all the good
things that come our way everyday.

The smiles on little children,
flowers bloomin',

little birds chirpin', sittin' on the
buddin' branches on a bright spring day.

Why, hell, just the sun comin'
up every day is a miracle.

I couldn't agree with you more,
especially that part about the sun.

We get bogged down in our daily troubles
and we forget about the simple things.

Oh, I forgot one more thing
to be thankful for.

- What's that?
- The Barry Champlain show.

Thank you, Bob.
Listen, we gotta run.

- Know you can't, but we can.
So God bless you. - One more thing.

- Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
- A bird in the hand...

- Good night. And we have...
- Debbie, you still there?

- Turn your radio down. Stop crying.
- Well, I'm black.

Good for you.
What do you want? A medal?

Well, no, I don't. Don't play
with me like them other people.

I want you to know...

that I enjoy listening to your show,
and I want to say, I like you Jews.

Well, I like you blacks.
I think everyone should own one.

What I mean to say is,

- Uh-huh. - I have many
friends who are Jewish.

- Really? How many?
- Well, three or four.

- I wouldn't call that "many. "
- They're very nice people.

They're educated and
they're good in business.

John, I don't know how to break this to you,
but you'll never get in the B'nai B'rith.

You're black. Don't you know
how Jews feel about blacks?

They hate you! They see you schwartzes on
the street, they cross to the other side.

You know those slums in south Dallas
where the rats eat babies for breakfast?

Jews own those slums! What do you mean,
I love Jews? Are you some kind of Uncle Tom?

What the hell you know about
Uncle Tom? I think brotherhood...

I don't care what you think!
No one does!

You wanna know why? Because you're
trying to kiss the master's butt.

What? You call me up, try to get
deep on how much you love Jews.

You're lying. You hate them.
You hate me!

- I don't kiss nobody's butt!
- Sure you do! You kiss my butt.

You're kissing my butt right now.
If you weren't, you'd hang up on me.

- I don't wanna hang up on you!
- Then I'll do you the favor.

Night Talk.
Debbie, you're on.

- Barry?
- Mm-hmm.

This is Debbie again.

Oh, Debbie.
Right.

She of the long hair,
my zombie queen, my fantasy.

- How are you, my belle?
- Bad.

I've been thinkin' about
what you said.

- I wanna ask you somethin'.
- Yeah?

- What's wrong with me?
- What?

Chet's back. You've had Debbie on twice.
I don't think you should take the call.

- Barry? - I can handle it.
Just shoot it to me.

- This is too important. - I'm not gonna
jump through hoops tonight just

because of this...
Please, tell him to put it on.

Yeah, Debbie, look,
you should see the shape I'm in.

I mean, nothing a good plastic surgeon
or a glass of cyanide wouldn't fix.

I mean, you're young. You got
your whole life ahead of you.

Why don't I go anywhere?

Well, you gotta
stand up first.

I mean, every journey
begins with a single step.

You gotta go for it,
pumpkin.

Me and Linda used to go out,
but she moved to Houston.

Yeah... Heh!
Listen, Debbie, Debbie.

- You got two arms
and two legs? - Yeah.

- Are you blind?
- No.

- You got a belly button?
- Yeah.

- Two belly buttons?
- No, I got one.

Are you sure?
Have you looked lately?

- Yeah. I got one.
- You're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be just fine.

And we have... Chet from
Mesquite on the line. Chet?

So now everyone in the country
can hear your big mouth flap.

Chet, so nice to
hear from you again.

Shouldn't you be out burning
crosses or molesting children?

- I'd rather be talking to you.
- How about training pit bulls?

Think you're so smart.

You get the package
I sent down to the station?

Package?

- You got it, I know you did.
- You sent me a present?

I couldn't decide whether
to use a timer or not.

You'll have to find that out
when you open it.

You're telling me you sent
me a bomb in the mail?

Wrapped in brown paper. I know
you're lookin' at it right now.

You just take some C-4,

roll it in a pile of nuts and bolts
and pebbles, and it does the job.

Sounds interesting, Chet.
I didn't receive your package.

- Sure you sent it to the
right address? - You got it.

If I were you, I'd have my pretty
assistant give the police a call.

Take the bomb squad
ten minutes to get there.

Why should I call
the bomb squad, Chet?

Because some pinheaded redneck moron
tells me there's a bomb in my mail?

He who laughs last...

Shut up!

Night Talk.
Denise, you're on.

- I'm scared, Barry.
- What are you scared of, babe?

Nothin' specifically,
but on the other hand...

it's like everywhere I go...

Mm-hmm.
Yeah?

Barry, you know,
we've got...

- a garbage disposal in our
kitchen sink. - Yeah, it's fine.

Tell Dan my mail
is my business.

- This is not funny. - You tell
Dan my mail is my business.

You know how that feels when you have
to reach down there into that gook...

and put your hand around?

Who knows what
could be down there?

Dan, I hope you're not calling the cops.
If you are, I'm gonna get really pissed off.

Get off the phone
or I walk.

- There's germs you can't even see.
- Don't waste my time, man.

- Hang it or I walk!
- They grow there.

- Hang it up!
- They come back up the pipes.

Salmonella, yeast, cancer, even
the common cold. Who knows?

But, Barry, even without
all of that, what if...

and I'm just sayin'
what if...

what if that disposal came on
while your hand was down there?

- And it goes around and around...
- Denise, tell me something.

You're telling me that you're afraid of the
garbage disposal in your mother's kitchen?

Well, it's not just
the garbage disposal.

I like things
to be clean, Barry.

How often does
this happen?

Couple times since
I've been here.

Like the houses on our street. Used
to be we knew who lived on our street.

But that was years ago. Now all
different kinds of people live here...

foreigners,
people with accents.

- Are they sanitary?
- Why don't you ask one of them?

That would be a nice idea to
just go to somebody's house...

and knock on their door,

but what if a serial murderer
lived there?

What if Ted Bundy
lived there?

What if he was sittin' inside watchin'
television, and I came to the door?

"Why, you just come right on
in here, Denise, " he'd say.

That's why I don't go to
strange people's houses anymore.

I keep the doors locked at all times,
but that's not gonna solve anything.

You're not gonna stop a plane from
crashin' onto your house, are you?

- No. - The mailman brings
me unsolicited mail.

The postage stamp could've been
licked by somebody with AIDS.

My mother's a threat to my life
just by persistin' to go out there.

- Out where? Where does
your mother go? - Barry...

Barry, did you know there's this
terrible dust storm in California?

It has these fungus spores
in it, and these spores...

get into people's lungs
and their bloodstream...

and it grows,
and then it kills them.

Strange air.
Strange air, Barry.

Oh, I hear my mother's key
in the door.

Strange air.
Well, uh...

That about wraps up another thrilling
episode with the man you love to love.

Gotta go home now,
take care of the goldfish.

Stay tuned, 'cause Monday's when
Night Talk begins national syndication,

allowing the good folks of Dallas
to have verbal intercourse...

with the rest of the U.S.A.

But don't go away yet.

If you've got any psychological
problems or you're just plain suicidal,

Dr. Sheila Fleming is here, and she'll
be glad to give you some dubious advice.

Or if you're just a level headed, happy,
normal person, you can turn the radio off.

Until Monday, this is Barry
Champlain reminding you that...

sticks and stones can break your bones,
but words cause permanent damage.

# Bad to the bone
B- B-B-B-Bad #

It's time to strap him up and wheel
him away for his weekend therapy.

But Barry Champlain will be back
with more Night Talk Monday...

on KGAB, Dallas.

Barry, my man.
What's happenin'?

The coach is here. You're gonna say
a few words and then give him the cup,

- and then he's gonna talk.
- Yeah.

Now, you're gonna be
introduced by Mel in the booth.

Got it.
You hear the show last night?

A great show.
Great show.

Listen, I never got that autographed
picture that you promised...

so I can hang it
in my restaurant.

- You were supposed to send it over
three weeks ago. - It slipped my mind.

Slipped your mind? What mind? What
could be more important than that Dino?

- I'll send it over first thing tomorrow.
- Don't go to any trouble.

- No trouble.
- Where is he?

There he is.

Stick around. You are the
greatest, Barry! All right.

- See you.
- See you later.

- He's a great guy, huh?
- Of course he is.

- He thinks you're God.
- What bit you in the ass?

You're pissed' cause I tell you to get
a picture for the guy, which is your job.

I'm pissed because you haven't
said two words to me all week

- except to boss me around.
- We work together.

That's the deal.
I'm the boss. I boss you around.

- It's more than that. It's like you're
always angry with me. - Excuse me.

- You're Barry Champlain,
aren't you? - Yeah.

- Can I have an autograph?
- Sure thing. - Thanks.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Here you go.
- Thanks a lot.

I love your show.

Okay, see you later.

Back in the cage.

I used to listen to your show
when I was in high school.

- I'm supposed to be doing my
homework, and... - Barry?

- You wanna make it out to
Joe Bob, please? - Sure.

You should have called. I would
have come and tucked you in.

Thanks, Barry.
God bless.

God bless you,
Joe Bob.

The show going national is
important. Let's work together.

Just be a little more careful
around this guy Dietz.

This is a big thing,
Barry.

- Right. - I'm not greasing
my way up a pole.

- I resent it that when I talk to
you like your producer... - All right.

you treat me
like a girlfriend,

and when I talk to you like your
girlfriend, you treat me like your wife.

I'm not following the drift
of this conversation.

We work together, we
sleep together. That's it.

I didn't know when we started seeing each
other I was enrolling in a self-help course.

If I'm angry,
that's who I am.

For better or for worse, that's
what got me where I am today.

If you think it's tough on the outside,
just be thankful you weren't born me.

I've gotta be out of my mind
picking a fight with you.

You a little moody today?
Is that the problem?

Excuse me. Are you
Mr. Barry Champlain?

Uh, maybe.

- Could I have your autograph?
- Sure, sure.

You do a great job
on the show.

- I couldn't do it without you.
- Thank you.

I listen to your show
all the time.

I think you're a sick,
foul-mouthed, disgusting man,

and you make people really
nauseous 365 days a year.

It just goes to show what masochists
people are, they listen 365 days a year.

I don't know why they
leave your show on the air.

Everybody I know hates it. It
makes me wanna throw my radio out.

If you don't like the show,
why do you listen?

'Cause I'm waitin' for a better
program that's on later.

Waiting for another program? There
are 30 other shows on in Dallas.

You listen to my show
every night. Makes sense.

I feel real sorry for you, and I think
you should be ashamed of yourself.

- You're such a pathetic nerd.
- I should be ashamed?

At least I don't show up in public, half in
the bag, making an utter jerk out of myself.

You have no credibility. You
like what I do. You need me.

But you have no sense of humor, which
is why you can never enjoy the show,

which is why you're a loser, like
all people who have no sense of humor.

And you are categorically
one of them. Good-bye.

- Furthermore... - Lady, what
the hell is the matter with you?

- What'd you do? - What
happened to your suit? Jesus.

All right,
you're gonna be fine.

Come on.
Let's go.

All of us are here for something very
important and exciting at S.M.U.,

and I think you know
what I'm talking about.

Who's ready for a new beginning?
How about Mustang football this fall?

That's what I thought.

Now... Now, to introduce the new man
in charge of football here at S.M.U.,

our own KGAB radio personality,
the man you love to love...

ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Barry Champlain!

Thank you. On my way
over here tonight, I...

I was finding out that...

They love me.
They really love me.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's calm down.

A different kind of welcome
than I've ever experienced.

Barry?

Barry!

Barry.

- Hello? - Laura, it's Dan.
Is Barry there?

Hang on a second.

- It's Dan.
- Hmm?

Did I wake you up?
I'm sorry.

No, I always get up ten hours
before I have to go to work.

It's Sunday, your day off
from self-loathing.

You said you didn't want Dietz breathing
down your neck, so we had a drink.

He's a sharp guy. Loves you, loves the show.
You should sit down with him, have a chat.

Is he gonna give
you orders now?

I figured you'd look at it that way,
so I set up a meeting for Sunday brunch.

- What? - He's got some
great ideas, Bar.

The guy wouldn't know an idea
if it crawled on his kneecap.

Just hold your horses
for one minute.

Chuck and I decided before we hit national
air we should establish a few ground rules.

Ground rules? What is this, Dan?
A radio station or an airport?

- Will you shut the fuck up and listen?
- No, I won't listen to you.

I knew that when that corporate cannibal
came into my studio I was in trouble.

What difference does it make
to you? It's just a show, right?

- Are you saying I don't care? Nobody cares
more than I do. - I don't wanna hear it.

I'm gonna come in tomorrow night, I'm
gonna do the same show I do every night.

- And blow the deal.
- If it means that, yes.

I do my show, or I don't
do a show. Good-bye.

You f...

I gotta take a piss.

- Hello?
- Is Barry there?

- Who's calling, please? - Look, I'm
in a rush. Could you just get Barry?

Barry, phone again!
It's a woman!

- Get her number. I'll call her back.
- He'll call you back.

It's a pay phone. I can't
call you back. Who is this?

- Look, just tell Barry
it's his ex-wife. - Huh!

It's a pay phone. She can't you
call back. It's your ex-wife.

Shit.

- Give me that. Ellen, hi.
- I'm down at the airport. Remember?

- What airport? - Dallas. What
do you think? It's Sunday.

- You told me to be here.
- Uh, well, great.

Are you too busy,
or are you coming to get me?

Yeah. No, I'm not busy.
I'm just doing some work here.

Who answered the phone?
I thought you said you were alone.

It's just my secretary. Look,
Ellen, what airline are you on?

American Airlines.
Maybe I should just leave.

No, you stay there.
I'll see you in 20 minutes, okay?

- You better be here.
- Yeah, I'll see you in 20 minutes.

- Are you alright? - I'm fine.
I'll see you in 20 minutes.

Okay. See ya.
Bye.

I gotta get her now.

Where are my shoes?

What?
Don't give me that look.

Hey.

Hey, come here. She wants to
be here for the national show.

What am I supposed to do?
Say no? Huh?

What did Dan want?

Wants me to come in
and kiss Dietz's ass.

I told him to kiss
my microphone.

Look, uh...

Can you clean up around here
a bit before you go? Huh?

Where's my shoes?

I'll call you later,
okay?

- You look nice.
- Thanks.

- You look great.
- You look good too.

- Except for my wrinkled clothes.
- Except for... I miss you, so what?

- So what have you been doing? - I hate when
you call me in the middle of the night.

Lou is so pissed off at me,
I had a fight.

- I had a fight at the end of this
with Lou. - You're too good for Lou.

Don't start, Barry.
Barry, don't start.

- You been going to a health club?
- You're such a jerk.

- Excuse me? - You been going to
a health club or something?

- Why?
- You look dynamite.

I left you. I look
dynamite 'cause I left you.

Jesus. I spend time,
a little, on my own self.

I'm working too. I'm not
at someone's beck and call.

Ellen this, Ellen that.
I want this, I want that.

I may not have
worked for you...

You just have to bring him food.
Is that basically it?

- Don't you start. - "Bring me
another plate of spaghetti. "

You're such
a troublemaker.

Why doesn't he go to the health
club? Probably can't fit in the door.

He does.
Barry!

Hey, I have no bad feelings
about Lou.

I'm glad he's so lucky.

You know, I'm glad that somebody's
treating you nice for a change.

I have some time for myself.
It's kinda, you know, it's...

When I was with you, I spent
so much time taking care of you,

and Lou sometimes
even takes care of me.

Um...

I don't know.
It's a different lifestyle.

You're like a carnival,

and he's more like
homogenized milk.

Why are you staring at me?

I miss you.

I miss you too.

What's this hold
you have on me?

Love.

I'm sorry. I'm not supposed to
say stuff like that. I forgot.

Barry, what do you want me to do?
Fall in love with you again?

- Is that what this is about?
- I don't want you doing anything.

I mean, you're here. That's all I...
I'm happy that you're here.

I... I don't know... I have to
go at the end of the day...

or tomorrow...

and I can't keep coming
back and forth.

I... You know,
you've got success.

You know, the most important thing is,
you've got to start loving yourself.

You got that. You are good.
You are wonderful.

Now, feel it and know
you have to have a life.

- Find someone with a soul.
- Mm-hmm.

Don't just fall in love
with some girl's body.

I mean, you do like a
girl's body, didn't you?

- The only problem was I got caught.
- Yeah, what can you do?

Maybe you should've stayed
at your mom's that day.

Tony, keep the taper nice
and tight around the waist.

Judge wants to look hot
for his old lady.

Don't you think these lapels are
too much for an awards ceremony?

Judge, everyone's gonna be wearing
these lapels by this time next year.

Wait and see. You need
a shirt to go with that.

What do you think about
that referendum coming up?

- I was gonna ask you the
same question. - Perfect.

- Throwin' this in free of charge. Gift
from me and Teddy. - Very kind of you.

Judge, you bring out the
woman in me. You're gorgeous.

Hey, good-looking.

Tony, why don't you show the
judge back to the dressing rooms.

- I'll just take this up for you.
- Thank you.

- Been out shopping? - Uh-huh.
- Buy any see-through undies?

I thought we'd have
lunch together.

Love to, babe.
Having lunch with the judge.

He's gonna help me out with that
zoning variance for the nightclub.

Okay, work's important.
What about dinner?

I can't.
Moe Thompson's stag party.

City Council president.
Come on.

- Make sure there are no women.
- Hey.

Tomorrow night, you and me, dinner,
just the two of us. The Caprice?

- Promise? - I promise. - Flowers?
- Tablecloths. - Mariachi bands?

- Barry.
- Music. What, Vince?

Someone you gotta meet. Guess who
this is. Go ahead, guess. What, Vince?

I have no idea.
Your Cousin Al.

No. What a joker.
Jeff, say something.

- What is this, performing seal time?
- Cut another caller off.

You're history. Ptt!
You're on Talk of the Town.

You're Jeff Fisher.

In my store. I can't believe it.
I listen to your show all the time.

You're great, man. You look
different than I thought.

- You thought I'd be 6'2, in spurs?
- Yeah.

- This is my wife, Ellen.
- Nice to meet you.

Yeah, the craziest people
call in that show.

I think of calling
myself sometimes.

You're too shy, right?
I can tell.

- Don't I listen all the time?
- He thinks you're God.

- Well, thank you, sir. - Wish we had
your picture. We could put it up.

I'll send you one.
You've got quite a voice.

- Voice?
- You ever do radio?

- I've thought of doing some radio.
- Only came in for a second.

I gotta run. Listen, Vince,
send the jacket to my home.

- Uh... Uh... What's your name?
- Barry. Barry Golden. Yeah.

Anytime you're in the neighborhood,
stop by the station.

- Love to show you around, let you
say a couple of words, - Yeah, sure.

sell some suits, plug the store.

My secretary'll send the picture. Don't
forget the sleeves. Nice meeting you.

- Bye-bye!
- Bye!

The topic is fantasy
love affairs.

Who would you like to have
a love affair with?

We're here with our good friend, Barry.
What's your name this week?

- Barry Champlain, man.
- Barry Champlain, man, is here,

- and he has said "his wife".
- Mm-hmm.

These are supposed to be
famous people,

unless your wife's gotten around
a lot more than I think she has.

Come on. Your wife's
not listening, okay?

Who would you really like to
get up close and personal with?

- Marie Osmond, I think, is very sexy.
- That's one for Marie Osmond.

- In black leather, yeah.
- The studio fish is blushing.

She is sex incarnate, man.
She's a Mormon, isn't she?

Mormons believe in bigamy. Marie,
I want to marry you right now.

Come down to the station.
I want you, Marie.

Okay! We'll take another caller.
Yeah, you're on "Talk of the Town".

Yeah, you know what I think?
You two are a couple of liberal pinkos.

That's what I think. Are you two homos?
Is that what you are?

You know what you are,
my friend, you are history.

Wait.
The caller has a point.

It's true, sir, indeed,
Jeff Fisher and I are lovers.

Have been for the last 15 years. In
fact, we're holding hands right now.

- Probably nigger lovers too.
- Yeah, what race are you, sir?

I'm white,
and I'm proud of it.

As one white man to another,
let me ask you a question.

Do you know how much money white Americans
spend every year on suntan lotion?

$165 million!

That's a lot of money to spend
just to turn brown.

You know why they wanna turn
brown? Jeff, do you know why?

- Let's take another caller.
- This is an interesting question.

They wanna turn brown because
they secretly want to be black.

- You know why they wanna be black?
- These and other questions...

Because they feel
sexually inferior.

You're a smart-mouth homo.
That's what you are.

- Okay, okay.
- You're an inbred throwback...

Ha-hoo! It's a Texas rodeo, yes
indeed. We'll hose 'em down...

and be right back after
this commercial break.

When I say "cut, "
you stop talking.

We've been through this before.
You're fun and the audience likes you,

but I'm not gonna lose
my license over this shit.

Why would you lose
your license?

- It's called Standards and Prac...
- Jeff, pick up seven.

Thank you. Standards and Practices.
You ever heard of it? Yeah?

Oh, he's funny, yeah.

Yeah, right, yeah, sure.

Sells suits.

Tomorrow at 10:00?

I'll ask him.
Hold on.

Can you come in tomorrow morning,
meet the boss at 10:00?

- What for?
- What I would do is...

have a swimming pool
and a sauna...

Boring. Come on,
you could do better than that.

Line four. Nancy, what would
you do with a million bucks?

Barry,
I just love your show.

Send me your measurements and a nude
photograph, and I'll get back to you.

Line one, Frank in Grapevine.
Yeah, Frank?

- I'm a Chicano...
- Good for you. I'm a Jew.

- Now, this is serious, dude.
- Wrong show.

Look, Stu, I don't think we've had a decent
answer to this question all night long.

Now, come on, people,
you gotta give me a good answer,

- Yeah, hold on.
- or I'm gonna punish ya.

Okay, let's go to...

- Let's go to... - Here, talk to Barry.
Come on. Talk to Barry.

- Line one, you're on. - Say something,
anything. Ready? Say something.

- Say something.
- Uh, yeah, this is Cheryl Ann.

What are you gonna do with
a million bucks, Cheryl Ann?

If I had a million bucks, I would
buy my own radio transmitter...

and start my own
talk show,

so I wouldn't have to listen
to your voice.

If you hate my voice so much,
why don't you change the station?

- I can't.
- Why not.

I'm in prison, and the warden
picks the shows we listen to.

Good. You're lying.
You love my voice.

- I hate your voice.
- You love my voice.

It's a love-hate situation.
You can't get enough of my voice.

Come on. Admit it.
You're full of it!

If you don't love my voice,
then hang up. Come on. Hang up.

You love me. Come on.
Hang up. Hang up!

I hate you,
Barry Champlain!

Beautiful.
I love it.

Not good enough.
Folks, you let me down once again.

For that,
you must be punished.

This is the Bee Gees, and this
one's going out to you, Cheryl Ann,

singing "Saturday Night Fever"
ten times in a row.

Best call we've had in a
couple of weeks, I swear.

That was great, honey. We gotta
get Cheryl Ann calling more often.

They're eating this stuff up, Barry.
See that piece in the paper today?

The thing about me looking for
a bodyguard? Great publicity.

You want this ten times
in a row, seriously?

No, make it three times.
I'll be back in a minute.

- Three it is.
- Beautiful show. I love it.

# Burn, baby, burn #

# - Burn, baby, burn #
- In here?

Ooh.

- That was great.
- The kiss or the call?

Dan just gave me
some good news.

I'm getting the
10:00 a. m. slot.

He's hiring a producer
just for my own show.

- Oh, Barry, that's wonderful.
- Yeah. You wanna do it?

- Huh? - You'd be the
best person to do it.

You're smart, you're hardworking,
you do everything I tell you to do.

Um, Barry, I think you
better get someone else.

- I don't think it's a good idea.
- It's a great idea.

Come on.
You gotta do it.

- No, I don't think so.
- Do it. Come on. I need you.

Barry, if I work for you, the
fun would go out it, you know?

There'd be a lot of tension.
It might even screw up our marriage.

Fuck our marriage. Come on.
This is important. I need you.

Don't you want the show to be as good
as it can be? Aren't you behind me?

- You gotta be joking.
- Of course I'm not joking.

You just said,
"Fuck our marriage. "

I'm joking.

This is getting really boring.
I'm gonna switch it, all right?

I just thought that...

Forget it.

I'm very proud of you.

It's wonderful for you.

Come on.
Okay?

Hmm?
Come on. Okay?

Barry?

Baby, I don't wanna go
in the sink.

Yeah!
In the sink!

I don't wanna go
in the sink.

Oh-ho!
Hi, Ellen!

Hi, Stu.

- Are you having a party?
- Yeah, a sink party.

Oh, uh, hi, hon. My mother wasn't
feeling well, so I decided to come home.

Ellen, I thought you
and your mother were...

- ... uh...
- Eh...

Um, what...

what are you two up to?

- Look, I better go out and come back in.
- Barry, come back.

You cut me off!

Hey, Theresa, come here.
Come with Stuey,

and have a Stuey sandwich
with Mimi and Stuey.

You want one?

No.

He became a millionaire.
How about that?

Brings back memories.

A lot of changes.
I'm nicer, I make more money...

and I only hang up
on one out of seven.

...with Dallas' own Mr.
Popularity, Barry Champlain.

I'm Sidney Greenberg, reminding
you that it's not how much you take,

it's how much
you take home.

Hey!

- How's Chicago? - Great.
- You look great. - You look great too.

Ellen, what are you
doing here?

I couldn't miss
Barry's premiere.

Yeah, we only have a couple of minutes.
You mind if I steal Barry?

You know where the green room is.
Have a cup of coffee. We'll catch up.

Sure.
Bye.

- Evening, Barry.
- I have two minutes. What is it?

I'll make it brief. I know
you've got your show to do.

Barry, we've run into some
slight scheduling problems...

concerning
the national feed.

We're gonna have to delay it
for at least a couple of weeks.

Hi, Stuey.

Ellen! Holy cow!
I knew you'd show up.

Jesus, let me look at you here. Are
you taking young pills or something?

- Wanna step into my crib with me?
- You must be excited.

Oh, yeah, I'm jumping out
of my skin. You kidding me?

I called my mother and told her we're
gonna broadcast all over the country.

She says, "Stuart, that's
beautiful. What country?"

- Good to see you.
- It's good to see you.

- Hi. - Hi. - I'm Laura Nicholson.
I spoke to you on the phone.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.
You must be Barry's secretary.

- No, actually, I'm his producer. We're
going in a few seconds. - Excuse me.

- Let's go. - From the heart
of the Lone Star state,

it's time for Dallas' most
popular talk show, Night Talk...

- with Barry Champlain.
- # Bad to bone #

The KGAB phone lines are open
and ready for your call...

at 555-TALK.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. Isn't this exciting?

I've just received
some terrible news.

Night Talk will not be broadcast
nationally tonight...

due to the usual corporate,
big business, inefficiency,

sloppiness and bureaucracy.

I've just been informed
of a scheduling problem.

Nothing personal, nothing logical,
just business as usual.

Maybe the show will go national
next week, maybe next month.

No one seems to know.
I'm sorry.

I feel I've let you,
the listeners, down.

But I've been in this business long
enough to know you can lose the battle...

and still win the war.

Night Talk still has a purpose,
a standard to which it must rise,

and I will not let you down
on that score.

This show is about saying
what's got to be said.

That's what we're
gonna do here tonight.

Tonight, anything goes.

I wanna hear you. I want you to
tell me what you really think.

- No holds barred.
Call 555-TALK. - I'm sorry.

The door is open.
Hit me with your best shot.

Night Talk.
Jerry from Rockwell.

- You're on.
- Barry.

Have you ever entertained
one single doubt...

about the truth
of the Holocaust?

I think we've had this conversation
before, sir. When you make these

accusations against Jews, when you
start questioning the Holocaust,

I think you should have some facts
available, and the facts are available.

Well, of course. We'd love to sit
down and debate them with you.

Uh-huh. Well, who's "we"? Am
I talking to a "we" or a "you"?

Well, Barry, we're
organized in our belief...

the same way the Zionists
are organized in their belief.

We could debate it. It would
be very easy and simple.

It would be far more simple and
valuable for you to get in touch with,

let's say, the Holocaust
Museum down in Washington.

- Uh-huh. - They'll send you
the names of all the Jews...

who died during World War ll.
They have all this information.

I mean, the first one to say if
somebody made a mistake...

They say six million died? It could've
been five million or seven million.

It could be two also.

Is that the issue? That two
million innocent people died?

- Why should one single innocent
person die, Jew or non-Jew? -I agree.

But the Zionists are using this issue
and the guilt on the American public...

to extort from us
our tax dollars.

The figures we have say
every family in Israel...

gets over $10, 000
of our taxes.

Well, you'll never see more
collective poverty than in Israel.

- I urge you to take a trip there. - All you
got to do, Barry, is go to West Virginia.

- What does West Virginia have to
do with it? - Or Nebraska or Idaho,

- where you'll see farmer after
farmer biting the dust... - Mm-hmm.

- losing their farms, can't
get decent loans. - Yeah.

If we had the loans and grants
that are sent to Israel,

we wouldn't be losing our farms,
which is the backbone of this country.

And what if a woman competes with you
in the marketplace and takes your job?

- What if black men start dating
and marrying white women? - Oh!

And what if homosexuals
are teaching your children?

And what if you're afraid to
walk the streets at night?

What if you see yuppies getting rich while
you're standing in the unemployment line?

And what if your government
sends you to Vietnam...

to fight a war they have
no chance of winning?

And what if your country
is slipping away, lost?

I know the argument, friend.

It's the great theory of history.
I've heard it before.

It says,
"When things ain't good,

"instead of getting down and
doing something about it,

instead of changing your life, it's a hell
of a lot easier to blame somebody else. "

And it just don't wash
in my book.

- Well, that's a very nice
speech, Barry... - Mm-hmm.

but it seems to me you're making
pretty good money on that station.

And since you're an outsider
to these parts and all,

it seems difficult, I guess, to relate to
the common-folk problems out here.

There is no room for self-pity, sir,
in my life or yours.

Now, you ought to read the Turner Diaries,
Barry, by William Pierce. It's all there.

- Mm-hmm.
- It says...

Yes, I'm familiar with that novel,
a product of the enlightened man.

- Now, let me finish!
- Barry, I got Beauty on five.

What it does is lays out the plan for
the coming revolution. Mm-hmm.

See, the word "America, "Barry, means
"heavenly kingdom" in the gothic language.

- Yeah. - It's the real new
Jerusalem of Scripture.

It shows you how the Jews
are impostors who took...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For those
of you who don't know it,

- it starts idiotically enough in
the year 1991. - That's correct.

It's written as a diary by a young,
white, racist, electrical engineer...

who joins an underground
paramilitary organization...

- known as "The Order. "
- That's right.

Oh, am I doing all right?
Oh, great.

They institute a revolution
against ZOG,

the Zionist Occupied Government
of America.

And along the way, they kill
all the mongrel races...

Jews, blacks,
homosexuals, feminists...

and other mud people.

It's an idiotic book written for
people with bubble gum brains...

who never got out of the fourth grade,
watching reruns of The Blob.

Easy, Barry.
You're part of the problem.

You're another Jew,
another weed-eating Jew,

in control of the media
of this country.

And from there, you pass judgement
on that which you don't know.

And there will come a day for you Barry,
and thousands of others like you...

who have slept with black women,
who have lied to us...

when you will hang from your neck
with a placard around it saying,

"I betrayed my race. "

Well, what can you say to
a paranoid schizophrenic...

who's a coward for hanging up,
except that I guess the day that I hang,

I'll probably defend the asshole
who hung me.

Talk radio. Free speech
isn't really free at all.

It's actually a little bit like Russian
roulette. A very expensive commodity.

You never know what's gonna come up
the next time you push the button.

- Yeah, you're on Night Talk.
- I changed my name...

and didn't have any trouble
getting Social Security.

My birth certificate has
my name spelled differently.

- And I...
- Hello?

Yeah, it's very interesting.
What's your view on lesbian priests?

- My view on what?
- How about masturbation?

- You got any view on that?
- No, I don't.

How about that law in Arizona
where it's a felony...

to go around with an
erection in your pants?

- What do you think about that? - Well,
I... I'm not really calling about that.

- Mm-hmm.
- If they wanna do it, let 'em do it.

Yeah, what?

Kent's on three. I don't
think you should take the call.

- Lose him, Barry.
- Barry? Hello?

Yeah, yeah. Well, that's just fine
for you. Tell him to shoot it to me.

- Hello, Barry? Hello?
- Well, good, good.

That's good for you.

Gee, tonight's just a
walk down memory lane.

And we have Kent with us
once again.

- Yeah, Kent.
- I didn't mean to hang up on you.

Yeah, but you did. Listen, Kent,
you're a fake. You're a hoax.

You call up with some fake-o story
about how you and your girlfriend...

are taking drugs
and she's O.D.'d...

- and your parents
are in Acapulco. - Fiji.

Oh, Fiji, right.
An important detail.

You're just this poor, mixed-up kid.
You don't know what to do.

- I think she's dead!
- What are you trying to tell me?

- That your girlfriend O.D.'d? Now
she's dead? - I don't know, okay?

- I just can't get her to wake up!
- Yeah, we heard that already.

- There's foam coming out
of her mouth. - What?

Foam coming out
of her mouth.

- Let's dump this guy, now.
- It's Barry's show, boss.

- That's it. That's it.
- Listen!

My parents are in Fiji, okay?

- And the stuff about my girlfriend...
- Yeah, what?

- She...
- Come on, Kent. Spit it out.

- No, you'll cut me off!
- I won't cut you off, Kent.

You promise?

I promise I won't
cut you off, Kent.

I made the whole thing up!

- Kent? - What? - I lied.
I'm cutting you off.

- Get the hell out of here.
- No, please! Look, I'm not lying!

- I gotta talk to you.
- You gotta talk to me?

What are you gonna talk about?
Your mother just slit her wrists?

She's bleeding to death?

How about your father? Got a shotgun
in his mouth? Gonna blow his brains out?

Tell me, who else is dead?
Come on. Who's dead, Kent?

Who's dead? Who's dead?
Tell me, who's dead?

No one's dead!
No one's dead, Barry.

Come on.
Look.

- I just wanted to talk. - We're
talking. You got two seconds. Talk.

- Okay, I listen to you all
the time, you know. - Mm-hmm.

- I think about what
you say, Bar. - Yeah.

- You say such cool stuff.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I just didn't know
what to say, you know.

Look, I wanted to meet you.

Now you're goofing on me.
You wanted to meet me?

You can meet me anytime you want.
I'm right here in the station.

- You're at the station? - I'm not
the president, for God's sakes.

I'm right here, downtown,
in the studio.

- So I could just come down?
- You could just come down.

- Now? - Now?
- Right now?

- What do you mean, right now?
- Right now.

- I'll just come down.
- I'm on the air, Kent.

Please?

- Sure, Kent. - Why not?
- Really? - Come on down.

- I'd love to meet you.
Just hurry up. - alright!

I'm halfway through the show.
We're at the end of the first hour...

of exciting and intellectual
conversation here on Night Talk.

Don't go away. We have the
news and the weather coming up.

And then we'll be back
with more Night Talk.

- Barry.
- Dan.

Laura, call down and tell
Security there's a kid coming.

Dan, you want anything?
Coffee? Tea? Insulin?

Crack?
We have it all right here.

Barry, you should ask me if you
wanna have a guest on the show.

- Why? - 'Cause I'm the
boss, Barry. That's why.

Dan, I'll do my job,
you do yours, okay?

He is not coming on the show.
That's it. We have too much riding...

- on what's going on here tonight.
- What's going on here tonight?

If they think for one minute that
you're undependable, it's over.

Dan, Metro Wave bought
my show. All right?

This is my show.
I put who I want on my show.

If I wanna have Charlie Manson on
my show, I'll put him on the show.

Or Ted Bundy... Or how about this.
I have David Berkowitz,

Bernard Goetz,
John Hinckley on.

We do a special on gun control.
How would that be?

Or how about that postman from
Oklahoma who killed 14 people, Dan?

- He killed his boss.
We bring him on the show. - Cut.

- We bring you on as a
special guest. - Out. Out.

We're gonna bring these guys on
the show. We'll have a terrific show.

Oh, boy, this'll be great.

That's funny stuff, Barry,
the mailman who killed his boss.

Did you see what the mailman
brought me today?

Huh?

We got half the wackos
within 20 miles of this place...

saying how much they wanna
"burn your Jew ass. "

Think about that, Barry. The time it
takes to sit down and write that on paper,

put it in an envelope,
lick it, send it to the station.

And I've got boxes of
this shit in my office.

These people are
dead serious.

All I'm suggesting is that you simply
pull it back, just for a little bit.

I think you're a little
out of your depth, Dan.

- I think it's time... - Just stop talking
and listen to me for two minutes!

You don't have an audience
in here now to cheer you on.

You do whatever you want to tonight,
Barry. Have fun. Blow the deal.

I'm not gonna say I don't care,
because I worked very hard on this.

- I worked my ass off on this.
- This is my life you're talking about.

No, what you are, Barry, is a fucking
suit salesman with a big mouth.

Let's call a spade a spade.

It's a job.
That's all it is.

You can come in here and start predicting
Armageddon if you want to, Barry.

But it's still a job.

A job you did not even know
how to do...

until I taught it to you!

What do you think you're doing
in here, changing the world?

This is a talk show, Barry,
and you are a talk show host.

Alan does the drive time,
Jerry does the home handyman stuff,

Sheila does the shrink stuff, Sid does the
financial stuff, and you hang up on people.

That's your job.

Now, you're very good at it.
You're the joker in my deck,

and I'm very happy
for your success.

But you work for me!

I'm your boss.

You wanna have the kid
on the show? Have him on!

But you get one thing straight.
You fuck up my deal,

and you go back to selling
double-knit suits.

I'm glad you take it
all so seriously, Barry,

but you gotta learn when to
stop or it's gonna kill you.

- Go get the kid.
- The kid is not a good idea, Barry.

- You're on his side, aren't you?
- No, I want you to think about the show.

You could lose everything that you've
worked for and everything I've worked for.

Get the kid.

It's very important to Barry.

It's a very important
moment in his life.

Yes, he is important to me.
He is important.

Look, Lou,
he's a fuckin' basket case.

Lou... alright, alright.
Forget it. Forget it.

I'll just stay to see the show tonight,
and then I'll be home tomorrow, okay?

Love you.

Yeah.
Hey.

Just pretend I'm visiting
a sick relative.

All right?

Bye.

Yeah.

Night Talk. We're back. This is
the spirit of Barry Champlain.

- Joe, hit me with your best shot.
- Yeah, Barry.

I've been driving a cab now
for about 11 years.

- I've met all kinds.
I know people. - I wish I did.

Let me tell you
something, friend.

That kid who just called, what he
needs is a good bust in the chops.

- Think that would do it, Joe?
- Kid like that needs some discipline.

- Discipline?
- I got two kids, Barry.

They give me any trouble,
I just take off my belt.

- They see the belt, that's it.
- How old are your children, Joe?

Little girl's five,
boy's three and a half.

- You hit them with a belt?
- Brush, belt, newspaper. Whatever.

Hey, they're either gonna get it from
me or they're gonna get it out there.

- Joe, I think you need
professional help. - What's that?

You need to get together with Jerry.
He can hold them down...

- while you hit them with a belt.
- What the hell are you talking about?

You're hitting your kids with
brushes and belts. You're psychotic.

- You're a psycho. - Yeah?
And what are you, friend, a faggot?

Coming from a pinhead like you,
that's a complement.

How about I come on down there to
that station of yours right now...

and bust your little
faggot face right in?

- Who's gonna help, your brother?
- You don't say nothin' about my brother.

Your brother hangs around Harry
Heinz Blvd, doesn't he? He's a pimp.

- And your wife, she's a
hooker, isn't she? - My wife?

What do you beat her with,
a baseball bat?

Hmm?

Well, I know where
you live, partner.

alright?
I know what you look like.

- Mm-hmm.
- Sweet dreams, sweetheart.

I can't wait.

Vincent, you're on Night Talk.
Say something interesting.

- Yup. Uh...
- Yo.

- I've been listening to
you for five years. - Uh-huh.

Yup, and the guys down here at
the store put you on every night.

- Yup. - And we sit around
and laugh at you... - Yup.

...because you're
such a jerk-off and...

Yeah, all right.
Night Talk. Agnes, yeah.

- Barry, can I ask you a question?
- Hit me.

I wouldn't hit you for
the world, sweetheart.

- I Love Lucy. Now, why don't
they make more of them? - What?

What do you want to talk
to Barry about?

You wanna rape somebody?

Why don't you go home and take
a cold shower. That'd be better.

Those shows are ancient, Agnes. Lucille
Ball must be at least 105 years old.

- The rest of the cast is dead.
- No. Now, she's not that old.

I saw her on the show the other night,
and she looked to be around 35.

And that Ricky Ricardo boy,
can he play the bongos.

Nobody can be this stupid. Are you serious,
Agnes? You know what year this is?

Yeah, John,
you're on Night Talk.

Remember me, Barry?

I called and said
I was in Turtle Creek.

Well, I...

I raped three
women since then.

- Do you remember me?
- I'm not sure. Refresh me, John.

I'm thinking about raping another
one, Barry. I saw her this morning.

What are you doing to me, Stu?
You're killing me right here on the air.

- Oh, could we relax, please?
- These women I raped aren't turning me in.

- How come?
- Well, tell me where you are, John,

and I'll make sure
you get some help.

- You have my word on that.
- I'm just so tired of raping women. I...

I'm so tired of
raping women!

- I... I got rage for them!
I got rage for them! - John.

When was the last time
you raped a woman?

Greenville a
couple weeks ago.

She was...
She was struttin' around...

like she was something else.

Yeah, I... I understand, John.
I sympathize.

We all get angry.

Where did the rape
actually occur?

It was in the backseat
of her car.

She pulled into the
Jack in the Box parking lot.

I jumped in and said,
"Okay, I'm-"

It was nighttime, sometime.
I don't know.

- How old are you, John?
- I'm 40.

- I was in the pen 12 years.
- Are you taping this for me?

- I didn't get no therapy. - Let me hook
this up. - They didn't do nothin' for me!

They didn't... They didn't...
They didn't bother to help me!

- Barry, I'm gonna rape somebody.
I'm gonna do it. - But why?

I gotta!
It's an irresistible compulsion.

It's like... It's like
tryin' to quit smoking.

Barry, I can't help myself.

I can't...

Yeah, all right. You have
this irresistible compulsion.

John, the last time we spoke,

you said that
jogging helped you.

Up and down Turtle Creek.

Jogging up and down the
Turtle Creek. Turtle Creek!

I could name you every duck
in Turtle Creek!

John, have you decided
who you're gonna rape next?

I got her picked out,
staked out and ready.

I always wanted her.

What is it about her
that you like?

What is it about a piece of strawberry
pie or a piece of pumpkin pie?

I mean, I don't know.
She could be black or white,

Hispano, Japanese,
pretty, fat, ugly.

I wanna rape them all!

All right, John, calm down. I
wanna help you. I'm your friend.

Are you my buddy, Barry?

I'm your buddy, John.

I can't help myself.
I gotta go do it.

- You can help yourself. You're not
gonna do it, John. - No, I gotta do it.

No, you're not
gonna do it, John.

- Now, listen to me.
- I'm gonna go do it.

No, no, no. Think about
what you're saying, John.

John?

He's gone.

Another lost soul goes
into the Dallas night.

We... We have a
police trace on this.

If anybody knows
anything about this man...

or is in Turtle Creek or sees
someone in a phone booth,

please call us here
at KGAB.

The number to call is,
is 555-TALK.

Uh, let's hear
from our sponsors...

Pasty Mate Roach
and Termite Cleaners.

Listen closely.

The sound of
cockroaches mating...

- enhanced 500 times.
- They couldn't trace it.

Right, I should've kept him on
for another three hours.

You know, I once had a
cup of Humphrey's coffee.

I was spitting blood
for three weeks.

You should try the
decaffeinated, Barry.

- This is great.
- Oh, wait. Don't tell me.

He seems
pretty harmless.

Come on, kid, sit down.
This is your chair.

This is your microphone.
Speak directly into it.

Keep your mouth about
six inches away from it.

These are your headphones so you can
hear the show. These are the ground rules.

- What?
- The ground rules.

No last names, no brand names,
no phone numbers over the air.

Other than that, act and speak normally.
This is Mr. Barry Champlain.

You're Barry.

- You got him.
- All right.

- What's wrong with him? - He's star
struck. - Hey, kid, say something.

- I need a level.
- Check, check. Check one.

Here we go on five,

- four, three, two, one.
- Stu.

Strap in, bitch.
Here we go.

We're back. I'm Barry Champlain.
You're listening to Night Talk.

We have a very special
guest with us tonight.

Kent. Say hello
to everybody, Kent.

All right.

My sentiments exactly.

We've brought Kent on board to get an
inside look at the future of America.

Kent is the classic
American youth...

energetic and resourceful,
spoiled, perverse and disturbed.

- Would you say that's an accurate
description, Kent? - Yep, sure.

- What do you call that haircut?
- I don't know. Rock and roll!

Are you high right now,
Kent?

- Am I high?
- Are you on drugs,

or is this your naturally
moronic self?

Watch the drool. You're
getting it all over the console.

I can't believe
I'm here, man.

Hey. Wow.
Does this thing really work?

You're sitting in
a radio station, Kent.

You're sitting in front
of a live mike.

When you speak, thousands
of people hear your voice.

It penetrates their minds.

Okay, okay.
No, listen.

I wanna send that one out to Diamond
Dave and Billy the bass player...

and all the babes at
the Valley View Mall.

We're discussing
America here tonight, Kent.

Do you have any thoughts
on that subject?

- Yeah.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I broke your train of thought. Please,
keep going. This is exhilarating.

No, I know.

It's not like I'm not political
or nothin'. You know, I mean...

I like Bruce.
He's political.

Bruce Springsteen, yes.
A very deep, political thinker.

He's a communist, isn't he?

No, he's from New Jersey.

- His ex is pretty nice.
- Mm-hmm. Whose ex?

Bruce's. Bruce Springsteen's
wife. Yes, what about her?

Julienne.
Hi, Julienne.

She was a model.
You know that, Bar?

All those guys
got models, Bar.

I mean, Mick and Jerry,
Keith and Patty,

Prince and...

Prince.

- You know, Bar,
- Bingo.

models only hang around with
guys they think are coolest.

Look at you, man. You're a
big guy, famous star and all.

I mean, you got that fine
babe right over there...

who works for you, man.

So hey, if you got some
cash and you're cool,

you get to have a model.

So you wouldn't call yourself a
women's libber then, Kent, huh?

Yeah, I would, Bar. I mean,
everybody being liberated, you know.

Women, South Africans,
all those kind of people, you know.

I saw a show
about all that stuff...

about how revolution's
a pretty important thing.

We're gonna have a lot more
revolutions where people get together,

solidarity and that and...

You know,
like that song by Megadeath.

# Peace sells
but who's buying #

# - Peace sells but who's
buying # - Ah, come on!

Hey, plus...
Oh, I saw this other show...

about how in the future they're
gonna have these two-way TV sets.

People will be able to see
each other and everything.

And then there's, like, no way they're
gonna be able to stop the revolution.

Who won't be able
to stop it, Kent?

Big Brother, the government,
corporations.

They're a bunch of fascists. They
wanna control everybody's mind.

But, hey, freedom's
an important thing,

just like you
always say, Bar.

You say
the best things, Bar.

I listen to you
all the time.

- You're great.
- Kent, you're an idiot.

I sincerely hope you do not
represent the future of this country,

because if you do
we are in sad shape.

Bar, man,
you're so funny, man.

That's why I love to listen to your show.
That's why all the kids listen to you, man.

Plus, these goons
push you around, you know.

All the kids
listen to you, Bar.

You are the best thing
on the radio!

Kent, we discuss a lot of
serious subjects on this show...

sad things, frightening
things, tragic things.

Doesn't any of that
bother you?

Nope.

Why not?

- It's just a show. - It's one
big rock video, huh, Kent?

Yeah!

No.
Come on, Bar.

It's your show.

Yeah, that it is, that it is.
It's my show.

Let's go back to the callers
on my show.

Uh, Julia,
you're on Night Talk.

Barry, hello.
Now, you know, darlin',

I think these people who've
been callin' you tonight...

are a bunch of
I don't know what's.

It's crazy. And that crazy kid you
got on there, now, that's terrible.

I've been listenin' to your show
for five years straight, Barry,

and I love you and your show.

I think it's terrific that more
folks are gonna be listenin'.

I just hope you have time for
your longtime friends there, Bar.

I always have time
for my friends, Julia.

Aw, you're terrific.

Your show's terrific.
I don't know what else to say.

Well, tell me something, Julia,
since you listen all the time.

What is it you like
about the show?

Well, I don't know.

A lot of things.

- Well, what, for instance?
- Well, I love you, Bar.

Uh-huh, that's a given. Okay,
what about me do you love?

- Well, you're very funny.
- Uh-huh.

And I love to hear you talk about
all the things you have to say.

Yeah, yeah, okay.
Let's get back to the show.

The show must serve some
kind of purpose for you.

- Well, now, I wouldn't say that.
- What would you say?

- Well, I don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know?

You said that at least five times
already. What don't you know?

You've been listening to this show for five
years. You don't know why you listen to it?

- Well, I just said...
- I heard what you just said.

You said you don't know why you listen
to this show. Why don't I tell you why.

You listen so that you can feel
superior to the other losers who call in!

- Barry!
- Don't "Barry" me!

You've got sawdust between your ears
instead of brains. Just listen to you!

If I sounded as stupid as you, I'd be
too embarrassed to open my mouth!

- I'm hanging up!
- Good, and don't call back.

Nothing more boring
than people who love you.

Yeah, you're on Night Talk.

I just have one thing
to ask you, Barry.

Hit me.

- Are you as ugly-looking
as you sound? - Uglier.

Yeah, I thought you'd
say something like that.

But as usual,
you avoid the question.

- What's the question?
- I think you know the question.

- Is an animal a vegetable or a mineral?
- The question is obvious.

Why does an intelligent fellow
like yourself...

spend so much energy
hurting other people?

Hmm?
Do you not love yourself?

I think you're very
lonely, Barry.

I'm sorry for you, because
you don't know how to love.

Night Talk.
Ralph.

They always say that,
don't they?

"Why are you so angry"?

Well, they don't understand
me and you, Barry.

We're the kind of people,
we feel too much.

Are we, Ralph?

Yeah, my name is Cheryl Ann.
I'll hold.

Who knows? I mean,
take, for instance, cancer.

- What is cancer?
- What are you doing, Ellen?

- He's all alone out there.
- So what?

He's going down
in flames, Dan.

It's Barry's show, Ellen.

Let Barry do
Barry's show.

Well, what are they gonna do
with my TV set?

We watch it. That's what
people do with TV sets.

What do they see? They see people
killing people, babies starving, floods.

And for what?
For nothing!

For beer commercials
and Tampax ads,

MTV, a yacht, the ocean,

a diamond earring,
a racehorse.

Well, I guess so.

I guess so. All I know is
what I read in the papers.

And that's a lot of talk.
Barry, it's talk. Talk, talk, talk.

- Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk,
talk, talk!- Ralph, Ralph, Ralph!

Tell me something.
I'm curious.

How do you dial a phone
with a straightjacket on?

Barry.

I don't know much about God
and I never was very religious,

but you can't help feeling
like something is wrong,

like nobody's
driving the train,

the system,

'cause too many people
are gettin' sick.

And the traffic,
it's just jamming up.

And even the weather,
not so good lately.

Barry, I just don't... I don't
get it, Barry. I just don't get it.

You don't get it, wimp? Here's
what you get! You get $1.59.

- That's it. - Go down to the drugstore,
buy a pack of razor blades,

and slash your
fuckin' wrists, pinhead!

That's it, kid.
Come on.

- What?
- Get him out of here, now!

Hey, Barry!

Get the fuck off me,
you fuckin' son of a bitch!

Thank you, Dallas!
Good night!

You alright, Barry?
Standby.

I'm confused, Barry.

What did you say
your name was?

Cheryl Ann.

It's about my ex-husband.

He's back in town and, well,
I haven't seen him for a while.

What are you confused about,
Cheryl Ann?

Well, let me first say...

that I left my ex-husband
for very good reasons.

Did it... Let's not
get into them, okay?

And he's anything
but perfect.

He smokes, he drinks,
he loves to argue.

- Sounds like my kind of guy.
- Yeah.

He is a little bit like you.

Yeah, well, we gotta move
it along here, Cheryl Ann.

You wanna get to the point?

I have, um,
feelings for him.

What kind of feelings?

Nice feelings.

Um...

This is hard to say.

Sexual feelings?

It's not just that.
I mean, yes, of course, but...

I still love him.

It's not the same
with my husband.

We had something,

and... I want him.

I want him inside of me.

I want to take care of him.

I want to be with him.

You wanna be close to him.

Yes.

You wanna hold him.

Oh, yes.

You wanna relive the
feelings you two had.

Yes, Barry.

You don't love
your husband?

No.
Well, I...

You tell him
that you love him.

You lie to him and you
tell him that you love him.

I do love him.

I love him as a friend.

Friend.

Everyone's your friend.

Not like my ex-husband.

There's a passion there
for his soul and...

I... I thought I wanted a
simple life, but I... I was wrong.

I want my old life back.

Sounds like you
made a mistake.

Should've stuck with
the first guy.

Yeah, well, what was I
supposed to do?

I love you, Barry.

Ever hear the story of the little
dog who had a bone in his mouth?

And he's trotting over this
bridge and he looks over...

and sees his reflection
in the water.

Thinks it's another dog.

That dog has a bone
in his mouth too.

The dog wants both bones, so he
barks at the little dog in the water,

trying to scare him.

Bone drops out of his mouth.

Loses both bones.

What has that got to do
with what I just said?

Babe, I don't know
what to tell you.

You blew it!

You know, women like you
are never happy.

What do you want me to say? Leave
your husband? Go back to your ex?

Your ex doesn't want you.

He's got women all over the
place. He doesn't need you.

He's not some suburban zombie like
your husband. He's out there having fun.

Did you ever think of that? Maybe
your ex-husband doesn't want you?

- Hmm? - He came on to me.
He said he wanted me.

- You're lying again.
- He said he still loved me.

You're lying! You're a sexually
unsatisfied woman living in a dream world!

I feel sorry for you!

So why don't you stick
with Mr. America there,

go out and buy yourself a heavy-duty
vibrator, and knock yourself out.

We reap what we sow.

Follow me, Cheryl Ann?

Probably frigid.
And we have Theresa on the line.

The day will come
for you, Barry.

And there will be
a reckoning,

an adding up
and a totaling.

Those who turned away
will be turned upon.

And I don't care what
your story is, Barry.

You are responsible, and there
will be no confusion at your trial.

It will be short,
and necks will crack.

The whips will strip your back
bare to the bone,

and your children
will cry for you...

as they are slaughtered
before your eyes.

You...

The Jews will hang high
over the streets.

You will be buried in piles.

You dig your own holes.

I am here merely to tell you
that the day will come.

It will.

Believe it or not,
you make perfect sense to me.

I should hang.

I'm a hypocrite.

I ask for sincerity,
and I lie.

I denounce the system
as I embrace it.

I want money and power
and prestige.

I want ratings and success.

I don't give a damn about you
or the world. That's the truth.

For this, I could say I'm sorry,
but I won't. Why should I?

I mean, who the hell are
you anyways, you audience?

You're on me every night
like a pack of wolves,

'cause you can't stand facing
what you are and what you've made.

Yes, the world
is a terrible place.

Yes, cancer and garbage
disposals will get you.

Yes, a war is coming.

Yes, the world is shot to hell,
and you're all goners.

Everything's screwed up and
you like it that way, don't you?

You're fascinated
by the gory details.

You're mesmerized
by your own fear.

You revel in floods,
car accidents.

Unstoppable diseases.

You're happiest when
others are in pain.

That's where I come in,
isn't it?

I'm here to lead you by the
hands through the dark forest...

of your own hatred and
anger and humiliation.

I'm providing a public service.

You're so scared.

You're like a little child
under the covers.

You're afraid of the bogeyman,
but you can't live without him.

Your fear, your own lives,
have become your entertainment.

Next month, millions of people are
gonna be listening to this show,

and you'll have
nothing to talk about!

Marvelous technology
is at our disposal.

Instead of reaching up to new heights,
we're gonna see how far down we can go.

How deep into the muck
we can immerse ourselves.

What do you wanna
talk about, hmm?

Baseball scores?

Your pet?

Orgasms?

You're pathetic.

I despise each and
every one of you.

You got nothing,

absolutely nothing.

No brains, no power, no future.

No hope.

No God.

The only thing you
believe in is me.

What are you if
you don't have me?

I'm not afraid, see?

I come in every night, make my case,
make my point, say what I believe in!

I tell you what you are.
I have to. I have no choice.

You frighten me.

I come here every night, tear into
you, I abuse you, I insult you,

and you just keep
coming back for more.

What's wrong with you?
Why do you keep calling?

I don't wanna hear it anymore.
Stop talking!

Go away!

But you're a yellow-bellied,
spineless, bigoted,

quivering, drunken,
insomniatic,

paranoid, disgusting, perverted,
voyeuristic, little obscene phone callers.

That's what you are.

Well, to hell with you.

I don't need your fear and your
stupidity. You don't get it.

It's wasted on you.

Pearls before swine.

If one person out there, had any
idea of what I'm talking about...

I...

Fred, you're on Night Talk.

Yes.
You see, Barry,

I know it's depressing that so many
people don't understand you're just joking.

Jackie, you're on Night Talk.

Hello. I've been listening for years,
and I find you a warm and intelligent...

Arnold.

What you were saying before about
loneliness, I'm an electrical engineer...

- Lucy. - My mother is from Waco and wants
to know if you went to high school...

- Larry. - Why do people insist
on calling homosexuals normal?

- Ralph!
- I'm in my house.

I'm at home,

which is where
you should be, Barry.

Hey, I'm not far away.
You could come over if you want.

We're the same kind of people.

I have beer, soup.

I'm here.

Come over later.

I'll wait.

Barry, there's 60 seconds
left in the show.

This is dead air, Barry.

Dead air.

I guess we're stuck
with each other.

This is Barry Champlain.

Barry.

That was great.
I feel very good about this.

I'm gonna talk to the lawyers, and we'll
get started on this deal right away.

We're gonna be seeing
a lot more of each other.

I'll be in touch.

Barry.

That was great.

You pulled it off, champ.
Congratulations.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Dan.

What if I don't come in
tomorrow night?

You'll come in tomorrow,
Barry.

You always do.

- She left, huh?
- Yep. I don't blame her.

Her best line was, "Barry
Champlain's a nice place to visit,

but I wouldn't want
to live there. "

The show's a washout, Stu.

Give me a break, will you?
We're going national, man.

Besides, it's not that important.
It's just one show.

- If it's not that important, why am
I doing it? - I don't know, Barry.

You don't like the heights,
don't climb the mountains.

You know what I mean?
It's like that kid just said:

"Man, this is your show. "

Where you headed?

I don't know. Go to
Ellen's hotel, try to talk.

That's good.
Tomorrow, Barry.

Before I take the first
caller this evening,

- Tomorrow, Stu. - I'd like to
comment on something I saw...

in the parking lot on the
way into the station.

- There was a man standing there...
- Walk you to your car?

...obviously mentally disturbed.

It made me think about something
we don't often talk about.

Wanna grab a burger,
just talk?

I'm too old for you,
Laura.

Ow.

I mean, you don't
know about Vietnam,

Easy Rider, Beatles.

Start over, Grandpa.

I can't.

I'm inside this thing.

You're not.

You know what
my greatest fear is?

Being boring.

You're not boring.

I'm afraid that the whole
audience is gonna get up and leave.

I get confused sometimes
about this love stuff.

I don't know what people mean
when they say that they're in love,

but...

but I do know that I don't think
you're the bad guy you think you are.

Yes, I am.

I'll take a rain check
on that burger.

Excuse me, Barry.
Barry. Mr. Champlain.

I hate to bother you. Do you think
you could give me an autograph, please?

- Some show tonight.
- Sure.

- What'd you say your name was?
- You're dead, fucker.

You come on down
to these parts,

you start telling people their
business and insulting their race,

you end up like Champlain,
I'll tell you that right now.

I listened to his show the
night that he was killed.

There was this drug-crazed
kid bothering him.

When people smoke that crack
stuff, they go berserk, you know?

I hope they catch
that kid.

But they ought to listen to
that show. He was on the air.

I didn't think he was gonna
get shot or anything,

but that show was strange.

I mean, I got to be on his show the
last day. That was his last show.

I feel kinda like my whole
life is different, you know?

Like I'm kinda blessed.

But like I told Barry,
you know, I mean, hey,

life is kinda just like a
big party thrown by God,

and I'm the new
toastmaster, Bar.

Like Barry always said,

if you didn't like him,
turn him off.

But they didn't have
to kill him.

I think that young boy that had come
in on the show, I think he did it.

I'll tell you how
I feel about it.

I think if you steal something,
they oughta cut your hands off.

If you rape somebody, they ought
a cut your you-know-what off.

I never called him.

And now I'm sorry.

He never even
hung up on me.

I miss him. You know how when
you have a cast on your arm...

and they cut it off,
you miss having it?

He was like a cast
on my arm. I miss him.

He was like a hot-fudge
sundae with fresh pecans.

Now, I knew I shouldn't listen
to him 'cause he always got me...

so dog-dang riled up till I
was like to smash my radio.

He did a whole show once on which
way to roll your toilet paper.

Over or under?
People responded for hours.

Some got so angry,
they hung up.

I called almost every night.
I loved Barry.

Didn't care much for the fellow
who answered the phone, though.

You know, he always forgot
I was waiting on the line.

Didn't I read he was having some
kind of problem with his wife?

Yes, he was
insensitive and nasty,

but he was a strong,
masculine presence on the radio.

Why would anyone
do such a thing?

Oh, well, there's another
bright star in God's heaven.

My view is that you don't give
a group like the neo-Nazis...

access to the airways
like he did.

Basically, I couldn't stand
Barry Champlain.

- I was in love with his voice.
- I was in love with his voice.

He was in love
with his own voice.

My first thought was that I couldn't
believe anyone could hate him that much.

Disagree or dislike,
but not hate him. Not kill him.

My second thought was...

that he always wondered
if there was a God.

Barry said he had to wait
until the evidence was in.

Now you know, Barry.

Now you know.

Now, we know that whatever the law
says, it speaks to those under the law...

so that every mouth
maybe stopped...

and the whole world may
be held accountable to God.

The world is crazy, crazy!

Barry was rude, but
he was a funny guy too.

He insulted my mother
when I called,

but this is why we have
freedom of speech.

I hope that when
they remember Barry,

they remember
what he said...

and not the style
in which he said it.

It was karmic.

You just can't put out
that much bad karma...

without it coming
back at you.

Barry and I worked together
for over seven years.

Whenever you threatened him over the air,
man, he'd stick it right back in your face.

It was like his dick
was flapping in the wing...

and he liked to see if
he could get an erection.

The guy had a little dick,
but he liked to flap it out there.

Then they cut if off.
Now he's dead.

I don't know if you
understand that analogy,

but it's the clearest
one I can make.