Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995) - full transcript

I did it, Jack. I did it.

And you know what? It got me hot.

No, I'm not kidding.

You should have seen
the look on Carl's face...

when I buried that ax in his chest.

Oh! Killing him
was almost better than sex.

I said almost, didn't I?

Oh! We are going to have so much fun
spending all of his money, aren't we, baby?

Oh! Just thinking about it
gets me all hot and squishy.

You mean right now?

He's in the basement cooling off.



What took you so long?
Jesus, Jack, what kind of cologne...

Cut!

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

What the hell are you doing?

You call that "hack-ting"?

Well, yes, I do call it acting.

Well, let me tell you something, pal.

You're no "Gorey" Cooper.
You ain't even a Robert "Deadford".

Another take like that
and it'll be back to bit parts for you.

And I won't say
what bits I'm talking about.

Huh! All right, everybody. Reset!

- Reset, guys. Back to one.
- Director...

Where the hell
did they dig this guy up?

I give and I give and I... Oh!



Hello, kiddies.
So glad you could join me.

Your old pal the Crypt Keeper
has gone Hollywood in a big way.

Care to see what I've been working on?

So if you're ready, creeps,
fasten your drool cups...

and hold on to your vomit bags.
We're going to the movies.

Frights! Camera! Action!

I call this one...

"Demon Knight".

Come on!

Son of a bitch!

Come on, you son of a bitch!

Shit!

Damn!

What ya doin', mister?
Are you stealing my daddy's car?

Stealin'?

No, I was testing the lock.
Seems to be working just fine.

Hey, kid. You want a quarter?

How about a shiny new quarter?
You want one? Come on.

Dad, there's a guy outside
stealing your car!

Hey, Dad, hurry up! Get out here!

Shit!

- Homer, go!
- He's gone!

Boy, listen to that thunder.

God's doing some
serious thinking tonight.

I'll bet he's saying:

On second thought, maybe I should have
given it all to the monkeys."

- Maybe it's not to late.
- I always hate drinking alone.

You want a taste?

Sure.

To the monkeys.

It ain't very subtle,
but it does the trick.

You wouldn't happen to know of a place
where I could bed down, would you?

Well, it just so happens, I do.

- That's two cars, Sheriff?
- That's right, Mavis.

One of 'em's got Maryland plates,
and the other one's from New Jersey.

- Ten-four?
- Ten-four.

You were right, Sheriff.

Them sons of bitches must have
been doing well over a hundred.

Well, Bob, it's too late
to give them a ticket.

But, if it'll make you feel any better,
you can shoot their ashes.

What the...

Holy shit!

Hey, mister, get away from there.

- Where the hell you come from?
- This is my car.

Was my car. Did you see him?

Walking into town,
the guy I was chasing?

Air bags, gotta love 'em.
Did you see him?

- We didn't see anybody.
- Now wait a minute.

Are you telling me that guy over there
walked out of here too?

Where you goin'?
You got a few questions to answer.

Look, Officers,
the man I'm chasing is dangerous.

If he's in your town,
you got a problem.

We stand here arguing about
a traffic accident... Do you mind?

Something awful's about to go down...
over there.

Is that where we're going?
It looks like a church.

That's it. Used to be a church.

Ain't a church no more.

They decommissioned it in the 50s,
due to lack of interest.

Just the place I've been looking for.

Gangway, I'm bringing in business.

- What kind of business?
- Well...

I think he's looking for
a room of his own, Cordelia.

- You been drinking, Uncle Willy?
- You must be kiddin'.

- I'm clean as a whistle, Irene.
- How long you wanting the room?

I don't know.
One night, maybe two. Depends.

I never rent short-term,
and I don't rent to strangers.

But I... can make exceptions.

Okay.

Enjoy your stay, Mister...

Mr. Smith.

Jeryline! Jeryline!

Jeryline, I mean now!

Look, Irene.
I'm trying to clean your stove.

How do you expect me to get my work done
if you keep bothering me?

You've been working so hard
with them clean rubber gloves?

Show Mr. Smith up to number five.

Shit...

And then fix him some dinner.

And after that, I got
a few more jobs for you.

This time I'm gonna watch you.

I want it right the first time,
and that's all there is to it.

It's my way or the highway.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Alright, let's see...
What do I need to tell you?

What am I looking at?
Which way is town?

Town is that way,
and you're looking at nothing.

But I'm sure you didn't come here
for a view, did you?

But here's your key.

And the concierge will bring up
your bags momentarily.

I don't see how they could
fire you, Wally.

That's what I told them.
They don't listen to me.

Cordelia, I don't know what
happened to all that mail.

It just disappeared,
but they won't believe me.

God! It's so humiliating.
Do you know what he did?

Postmaster comes in...

and he rips my name tag
right off my shirt.

Right in front of everybody.

And like that's not bad enough...

he took my Mr. Zippy patch.

You should have told your
damn boss to go screw himself.

Stupid post office.
Ain't the only job in town.

The hell it ain't.
If you had any sense, Wally...

you'd crawl back to him
and beg for the job.

Yeah, well, I already tried that.
He said no.

Oh, poor Wally.

Where is that girl? Jeryline!

- What is it?
- Are my sheets done yet?

They're downstairs.

And I couldn't
get all those stains out, either.

Damn guacamole.

Will you put them on my bed for me?

Why can't you do it yourself?
You know I'm busy.

Jeryline, get her sheets, will you?

No, I just started that stove.
I can't do everything at once.

- I'll get them for you, Cordelia.
- Good. Damn.

That's very sweet of you, Wally.

- Put them on your bed?
- Thanks.

Oh, poor guy.
Maybe I should give him a freebie.

Just what he needs,
someone else screwing him.

To be perfectly honest,
I wasn't watching the speedometer.

- Exactly why were you chasing him?
- He's a thief.

What the hell did he steal that
had you going over 100 miles an hour?

- Must have been pretty valuable.
- It is.

- Sheriff?
- Yeah, Mavis, go ahead.

We just got a call from Homer
over at the café.

He says somebody tried
to steal his car.

Okay, we're on it.

- You want some?
- Hell, no.

I was just thinking how much better
that stuff looked when it was roadkill.

Why don't you shut up? You eat it.

She loves me.

You hurry up and finish...

and I'll take care of dessert.

Ah, don't worry.

Good Cleo knows better
than to eat that slop.

Goddamn it!
Get that pussy off the table.

I meant the cat.

Cleo!

- Didn't I tell you to put him out?
- I did.

I don't know how she got back in.

You finish cleaning the stove,
or you too busy shooting the breeze?

For Christ's sake,
I'll finish cleaning it tomorrow.

I want it clean tonight.

Remind me of that program you're on.
It's called "work release", ain't it?

I swear that girl ain't got
no goddamn gratitude.

If I hadn't made a place for her,
she'd be behind bars or dead.

Lucky kid.

You expecting somebody, Mr. Smith?

Evenin', motel people.

You kept me waiting, Roach, honey.

I'll tell you the reason I'm late.

Somebody tried to steal Homer's car.

- You're kiddin'? That old hunk of junk?
- Yeah. Right out of the diner parking lot.

Sheriff and Deputy Dipshit
showed up too.

- Damn, you look sweet.
- Thank you, honey.

You know, I've been looking
forward to this all week.

- That makes two of us.
- Hey, what are those panties you got on there?

- I got the cherry flavor.
- Are those edible panties?

You know I want pieces
of panty in my salad later.

Oh, Roach, you're so dirty!

Why don't you set the basket
by the steps, Wally?

She's gonna be needing
clean sheets soon enough.

Your boy did the right thing.
You should be...

Okay, Homer. That about covers it.
We'll let you know if we hear anything.

Sheriff, you there?

Go ahead, Mavis.

I just got a call
from Irene at the mission...

- about that fellow you're looking for.
- Let's go, Sheriff.

Get in.

He's really holding on tonight,
isn't he?

Okay.

So what were you in for?

I'm not passing judgment.

Stealin'. 'Kay?

- Good evening, Irene. Where is he?
- That's him, in the dining room.

Excuse me, mister.

We'd like to have a word with you
about the fender bender on the highway.

Sheriff, you better watch it.
He's armed.

- Don't move!
- Told you.

- Drop the guns, or I'll kill her.
- Don't!

I said, drop your goddamn guns.

- He won't do it.
- The hell I won't.

I know this man, sheriff,
and he will not do it.

Drop the knife. Drop the goddamn knife!

Her blood's on your head, asshole.

Spread 'em!

Well, well, well. Mr. Brayker.

- Pleased to make your acquaintance.
- You lyin' son of a bitch.

Said his name was Smith.

Call it in, Bob.

I believe you'll find what
I'm looking for in there.

- What's he got to do with this?
- I'm... I work for a collection agency.

- It's empty.
- Really? That can't be.

Well, I guess that means
it's somewhere in the house.

- Keep him away from me!
- Shut up!

- Where is it?
- I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't give me that shit! Where is it?

Maybe it's up in his room.
What you guys looking for?

- What the hell are we looking for anyway?
- A piece of antiquity.

A relic... in the shape of a key.

Bob!

- Yeah?
- Search his room.

It's number five.

Oh. Come on, baby. Come on.

Crank me up. Come on.

Come on. Give it to me. Come on.

Give it to me. Come on. Come on.

Give it to me. Come one. Crank me up.

More juice.

- Come on. Oh, God!
- Is that good?

Freeze.

Jesus Christ, Bob, you son of a bitch!

- Turn it off! Turn it off!
- I'm sorry, baby.

Oh! My nipples are smoking!

Get your clothes on. Now!

- Good work, Mavis.
- Looky, looky.

Go ahead and do it.

I didn't find anything
in the perp's room...

but I sure found something
in the room down the hall.

Thanks, Mavis.

Sorry to drag you down here,
but we'll sort this thing out...

and then you can get back
to your business.

I am assuming it was
personal business, Cordelia.

Actually, Sheriff...

it was kind of like
a tune up and lube job.

- Shut up, Bob!
- I don't want to hear about it.

- You know how it is when you get your car...
- I don't want to hear it.

Shut up, Bob.

This Brayker fella's
getting more interesting.

According to the computer,
Frank Brayker died over five years ago.

Who the hell are you?

What's your name?

Maybe if you cool your heels
in a jail cell...

you'll be a little more chatty.

Come on, Bob.
Help me get him to the car.

Actually, sheriff...

I'd appreciate getting back
what he stole from me.

That way I can get on my way...

and you can give this lowlife
what he deserves.

Why don't you tell us where you put it?

You make it easy for me,
I'll make it easy for you.

- Mind you, you're off to a pretty bad start.
- I know where it is!

Damn, it just occurred to me. I watched him
stash it and didn't even know it.

- Willy, no!
- Relax!

I'm sorry, mister.

I'd like you to put it inside.

Look what he's done.
He's put somethin' awful inside.

Would you mind dumping that out
before you place it inside?

- Sure.
- No, don't do it.

He's not what he says he is.
Willy... Willy!

He's just... Just pop that lid.

I'll take that, Willy.

Bob, escort Mr. Brayker, or whatever
his name is, out to the car.

Sheriff, I am much obliged
for your assistance in apprehending...

Don't bother. You're coming with us.

See, both those cars were stolen.

We're going down to the station
and we're going to sort this shit out.

- Sheriff, you're making a big mistake.
- It won't be for the first time.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

The man said, if you knew who I was...

We'll find out soon enough.

Why wait?

Give me the keys!

Give me the goddamn keys!

Ah, come on! Get off me!

- Shit!
- Get him off!

Heads up!

Humans! You're not worth
the flesh you're printed on!

Fuck this cowboy shit!

You fuckin', hodunk Podunk,
well, then, motherfuckers!

All you had to do was give me
the goddamn key!

Then we could get on with our lives.

All right, this property...

is hereby...

condemned!

Shit!

What is that?

- Oh, my God!
- Shit!

Jesus!

Oh, great.

- What the hell happened with the lights?
- It's just what we need.

They're gone.

Everybody, back!

Where do you suppose they went?

What's that smell?

Let's get out of here!

There's more of them!

Yeah, shoot 'em.

Go out the back door. Come on.

- Hurry up. Hurry up.
- Man, talk about ugly.

- Oh, that is disgusting.
- What the hell is that shit?

Shit...

- I don't see them. Do you see them?
- No.

Where the fuck did they go?

Cordelia, stay away from the door!

You see what I mean?
We can make it to my truck.

- No, I don't think so.
- Listen!

You can stay here
and die if you want to.

I sure as shit ain't.

- Roach, be smart for once.
- Cordelia!

- Roach, wait.
- Just come on, would ya?

- Fuck me...!
- Cordelia, I'm coming!

I'm sorry.

Give me that gun!

Hey, fuck-face!

The eyes! Get the eyes!

On, Wally. Wally.

Oh, God...

Need a hand?

Give me the key, Brayker.
For cryin' out loud!

Wally? Wally, please don't die, Wally.

Wally?

Cordelia...

Brayker, what the hell are those things?
Demons or something?

- Worse.
- Demons. Sweet. That's just fuckin' sweet!

And they want to kill us because of you?
Who's going to protect us? You?

- Deputy Bob? Or the headless horsemen?
- We'll be all right.

Just stay inside and stay together.

- We just have to make it through the night.
- And that stuff's gonna keep them out?

There are only two things
we can use against them.

- The blood in this key.
- It's blood?

And anything that destroys their eyes.
Frees their tortured souls.

- Their what?
- This is crazy!

- Deal with it!
- You deal with it, man.

They got no quarrel with us.

They just want you
and that thing you're carrying.

- I say we give it to them.
- I say they'll kill you anyway.

Or possess you.
Or use you to get to the rest of us.

Like it or not, we stick together.

My cat's outside. I gotta get my cat.

You go out, you stay out.

Is that so? What are you gonna do?

Shoot us?

Right in the eyes.

Stay down here.
I'm going to seal the upstairs.

- Damn it!
- What are you doing up here?

I thought I told you
to stay downstairs.

Damn!

I thought you might need help.

Look, I'm... I'm sorry about your cat.

And before, with the knife,
I wasn't gonna hurt you.

Funny thing is that I knew you weren't.
I just had a feeling about you.

Can I ask you something?

Who are you really?

I'm just an old man...

running out of time.

Well, well, well. Isn't this sweet?

Soiled dove and her
square-jawed postal clerk.

- You're a bastard.
- I ain't the one who tried to kill you.

Shithead, you left me out there.

Who in the hell told you to follow me?

You're absolutely right. Nobody.

Now I know who my friends are.

Whores ain't got no friends.

That's all the doors and window sealed.

- Any other ways in or out of this place?
- Aside from doors and windows?

Got some place you want us to put him?

Jeryline, let's go make some coffee.

Looks like we're in for a long night.

- Where did you get that from?
- It was my husband's.

Cleo! Hi, baby.

- You let the cat in.
- She just appeared.

- Brayker, what are you doing?
- Come on...

Animals aren't immune.
They can be possessed.

Give me the cat! Give me the cat! Shit!

- What the hell's going on?
- The cat. The cat.

Brayker, my cat is not possessed
by some demon from hell.

We'll see. Listen.

- What?
- I got to talk to you.

- I got nothing to say.
- I just gotta talk to you for a second.

No, not for a second or a minute.

- Why don't you bother somebody else?
- Just for a second.

You want to talk? Let's talk
about how you abandoned Cordelia.

How you left her to die. Huh?

- I hope you're ashamed of yourself, Roach.
- Not particularly, no.

Everybody's got to look out their selves.
I'm for getting out of here.

No one's going anywhere
till Mr. Brayker says so.

Hey, fuck him! This is his fight.

You may want to die
in this motel, but I don't.

I want to get that key, and I want
to give it to those things out there.

Hey, Roach.
Haven't you caused enough trouble?

Excuse me. I'm trying to have
a conversation with my friend, Wally.

He's not your friend.
Assholes don't have friends.

Excuse us. Can I talk to you
for a second, please?

Jesus, Roach!

So... you got yourself a new boyfriend.

You get in my way and I'll kill you.

Keep it in your pants for a change.

I'm warning you, bitch.

- I'm not afraid of you.
- No?

No...

You better be afraid of me.

Come here, girl. Come on.

Cleo? Cleo, come on.

Cleo? Come to mommy.

Come on. Come here, girl.

Come here, Cleo. Come on.

I got you, girl. Come on, Brayker.

- See, I told you.
- Hey, look... where she came from.

Breeze.

Poor Cordelia.

Seems downright criminal
to treat a pretty girl that way.

Did I say pretty? I meant beautiful.

'Cause you are.
You are beautiful, Cordelia.

Inside and out.

Maybe nobody here can see it,
but I sure can.

I understand you.

I know what you want.

I know what you need.

Guys like Roach, they think...

just because they're paying for it
that they can treat you like shit.

If they spend the same money
on dinner and a movie...

they can call you "girlfriend"
instead of "whore".

Whore, what a horrible word that is...

to use on someone
who's really just a sad girl...

who's looking for love.

Tender, warm, unconditional love.

I can give you that love,
as much as you can take.

All you have to do is let me in.

Let me in.

Let me in.

Let me in.

Let me in.

Cordelia?

Cordelia?

Cordelia? You okay?

- Hello, Wally.
- Hello, Cordelia.

I realized something awful
about myself tonight, Wally.

My whole life, I've avoided the guys
who really loved me.

Like you.

You really love me, don't you, Wally?

Yes, Cordelia, I really love you.

I've always loved you.

From the very first time
I delivered your mail.

Well, don't just do it
with your eyes, Wally.

- It's some kind of tunnel.
- It's a mine shaft.

Not surprising.
The whole area's riddled with them.

This means this is a way out, right?

We can get to town before those things
find out we're gone.

No.

- No, it's too risky.
- What?

Now, listen.
What the hell are you saying?

Trust me. You're safer in this house.

Oh, shit!

What was that?

- What's going on?
- Oh, God!

- Oh, God...
- What's in there?

Cordelia?

- Shit!
- Oh, man!

- Shoot it, damn it!
- I can't! I can't!

Fuck that! Shoot 'em both!

Get it! Get it!

Irene!

Go ahead.

Give it to me! Give it to me!

- Shit! It's still bleeding.
- Here.

We've got to get her outta here.
She'll bleed to death.

I'm with Jeryline. We've got
to take our chances in the mines.

You know, if my memory's right...

the spur that runs under here
comes to a head in a mile.

- I say we do it.
- Fuck, yeah.

Nobody's going anywhere.

What makes you think
they haven't found the mines?

Is it just me, or has everybody fuckin'
had it with you tellin' us what to do?

If we want to go out to the
mines, we're going out that way.

We don't need your fuckin' permission.

I got an idea that's gonna
save us that walk.

We give those damn demons
what they want.

Mr. Roach...

I'm not gonna give you the key.
You're gonna have to take it.

Then I'm gonna have to kill you, right?

Right?

- If you say so.
- I say so.

Now listen to me, all of you.
You don't know what you're up against.

Go down there, I can't help you.

You've been doing a real
fine job of helping us so far...

Last I looked, we were missing
Wally and Cordelia...

and half her arm.

So fuck you! I'm going.

Let's go.

Hey, Brayker.
Don't worry. I'll save you.

No!

No...

Hey, handsome, age before beauty.

Yeah, and pearl before swine, shithead.

Oh... Jeez...

You know something, Willy?

You're so dried up, the demons
will probably throw you back.

Well, the sons of bitches
ain't gonna get us.

I know these mines.
Used to own the damn place.

I'm gonna find that north spur
and get us the hell out of here.

Shit, now...

Irene?

Irene?

You sure this is the way out, old man?

No doubt about it.
This here's the north spur.

Course, if we're heading west...

then the other one is north.

Why don't we just sit down here
and wait for them?

- That way!
- Let's do it.

Yeah, this is it.
The north spur's just ahead.

I don't know how anybody
ever worked down here.

- Smells like a big ol' pile of do-do.
- Mommy...

It's the bat shit. You get used to it.

I remember the first time
we struck pay dirt down here.

The vein was as big
as your goddamn arm.

Mommy.

Mommy.

Hello?

Danny, is that you?

Danny, how the hell did you
get down here?

Come on. Come on, Danny.
I'm not gonna hurt you.

I promise. Come on. Come on.

You all right?

- Mom?
- Shit!

They're here! The demons are here! Run!

Let's go! Let's go! Move, move, move!

Come on! Come on!

- Go ahead! Go ahead!
- Come on! Come on!

Let's go!

Thanks, Chief. Don't worry.
They can't get past the seal.

Homer, this is for four years
of minimum wage, you asshole.

- No!
- Don't shoot!

You broke the seal. Run!

Danny, go upstairs! Come on. Move it!

You got an "I told you so"
coming to you.

Next time.

At least we're all in one piece.

- Sorry about that, Irene.
- It's okay. Vodka's kicking in.

- So what's the boy's name?
- Danny.

Hey, Danny. How you doing?

Listen, what were you doing
down in the mines?

- Well, the man, he came back.
- Yeah.

He got my parents.

I ran away.

Brayker!

It's all right. I just have to check.

It's good to see you again, Danny.

Hey, Bob. How we fixed for ammo?

Oh, not too good.

Yeah, I'm down to four.

- How 'bout shotgun shells?
- Not up here.

Oh, man, this is hopeless.

Fuckin' hopeless.

Sons of bitches!

They drew us into a goddamn ambush!

What are you doing?

- We gotta get outta here.
- The real battle is ahead.

Sir, I don't understand.

Now take it.

No...

You're the one, Brayker.

You're the one.

Hey.

You got us into this mess.
What are you gonna do to get us out?

We just have to survive the night.

- That's all I can tell you.
- That's bullshit.

Roach is right.

We're entitled to know what's going on.

When I came here tonight,
I thought you'd be safe.

There are only five of you.
They need seven.

And then he came
with Bob and the sheriff.

It's like tumblers in a lock.
Everything has to line up.

- Seven stars, seven people...
- Yeah, yeah...

Goddamn it,
I'm not making these rules up!

And I didn't... I didn't ask for this!

All right?

You wanna know what's going on?
Shall I tell ya?

In the beginning...

God created the heavens and the earth.

You're talking Genesis. That beginning?

And the earth was a formless void,
and darkness covered the face of the deep.

But the darkness wasn't empty.

It was full of creatures.
Full of demons.

And they had seven keys
formed into a circle...

to focus the power of the cosmos
into their hands...

until God stepped forth and said...

"Let there be light."

And there was light.

And He scattered the demons...
and He scattered the keys...

all across the universe.

Then we fast-forward about
two or three million millennia.

Now the demons are back.
They got six of the keys.

And one day they find
the seventh key here on earth.

To save it, God filled it
with the blood of a carpenter...

who was being crucified by the Romans,
and gave it to a thief named Sirach.

The blood ins... inside... is that...

Some of it. Yeah.

It gets used, you see.
Sirach had to refill it.

Bad neck wound.

Talon caught the artery here.

Most of what's in here now
belonged to a soldier...

named Dickerson. Gave it to me
in France. August 23, 1917.

Funny how you remember the big dates.

Jesus, that... would make you, uh...

What happens when you run out of blood?

- They bring back the darkness.
- Just like that?

Just like that.

So...

now you know.

You feel better?

God, I wish I had
that bottle of vodka now.

I guess I owe you an apology, Brayker.

You really got some balls, man.

You're a fucking hero.

Where's Danny?

What?

Find him. Find him now.

- I'm gonna check in my room.
- I'll look in my room.

- Danny!
- I'll stay here.

Danny?

Danny? You in there?

Danny?

Do me a favor. Don't scream.

Just hear what I've gotta say.
And then scream.

You're so young.
You've got so much to live for.

And where the hell are you?

You're stuck in this house.
You're stuck in this town.

There's a great big world
out there, Jeryline.

You should travel. You can see it all.

I can help you.

You want Paris, Rome, Athens?
You got it.

Course, if you don't help me,
that's a whole other picture.

Come on, let's be real. Brayker isn't
gonna get you out of here, okay?

Brayker can't even get himself out.

Little secret: The man's dead meat.

And if you stick with him,
you're gonna end up the same way.

Check this out.

I hate to even think about it.

It's a simple deal, Jeryline:
You let me in, I let you out.

Horrible, isn't it?

You know, it doesn't
have to be unpleasant.

Hell, I'd rather it wasn't.

All right, I know what you're thinking.

You give up your soul, you turn
into a demon, you look like shit.

Where's the payoff, right?
I'll make you a little promise.

Just give me what I want,
and nothing will happen to you.

Has anyone ever told you
how pretty you are?

I know that sounds like a line.
Lord knows I've used it.

But I mean it.

You know, I can see to it
that you stay pretty.

Forever. Think about that.

All you have to do is say yes.

Do we have a deal?

Something tells me you don't trust me.

That's all right. We'll work on that.

You will give me what I want.
That's just the way it is.

And the sooner you
figure that out, the better.

- Any sign of him?
- Haven't seen him.

This doesn't make sense. Anything?

- Where's Uncle Willy?
- I haven't seen his wrinkled butt neither.

Come on, Bob.

Willy, you son of a bitch!

Hey, I found the kid.

I bet he found you. Probably wanted
to know what the smell was.

I forgot all about this place.
Willy, you get downstairs now.

You take the kid with you.

Tell Brayker to get his ass
and the key up here now!

Let's go.

Go on! Go on!

Okay. Okay.

Leave the bottle.

Party poopin' old bitch. Damn shit...

Hey...

They hate that.

Brayker! You in here?

Holy shit!

- Hi, Uncle Willy.
- Poor Uncle Willy!

You look like you've had
a long, hard day, uncle Willy!

Oh, goodness!

I bet you could use a long, hard one.

- I know I could.
- Here you go, Uncle Willy.

Oh, yeah.

- Try mine.
- Oh, Jesus!

Oh, my goodness! Oh, my God!

Uncle Willy, are you okay?

- Try mine.
- Try mine.

Suck this one down, Uncle Willy.
Long hard one.

Nothing gets you fucked up faster.
Am I right, girls? Am I right?

Here's lookin' at you, Uncle Willy.

There you go. There you go.

Have another.

Knock yourself out.

Come on. Drink more.

Jesus Christ!
Those post office folks were right.

Son of a bitch!
This guy was reading all our mail.

What the hell...?

Shit! Wally was crazier than I thought.

Give me your light, Bob.

Oh, God!

He was planning to take out
the post office for Cordelia.

Well, if he was...

he didn't have any bullets to do it.

Then again...

Willy?

Danny?

- No! Stop it!
- Oh! Yeah!

We got a whole lot of trouble!

- Jeryline! Help!
- Let go!

- Jeryline! Jeryline, help me!
- You will give me what I want.

Hello! I'm your waiter, Skip.

Our special today is poached appendage.

Market price, of course.
I recommend the finger food.

Want your arm back, Irene?
I can make it happen.

- Is that a yes?
- No.

That's me giving you
the finger, asshole.

I'll get back to you.

Willy, don't make me do this.

- Uncle Willy.
- Stop!

- Please stop, mister!
- Uncle Willy, Please don't make me do this.

Put him down!

Hello?

Hello?

- Mr. Roach! What have you got there?
- I want out of here...

- and I'm lookin' to cut a deal.
- Well, let's talk about it.

Put him down!

Jeryline.

You wouldn't hurt your old Uncle Willy now,
would you, baby?

Jesus! Oh, man!

Shit!

- Get the eyes!
- I heard that.

Get the eyes!

Get away!

Oh, boy!

- How do I know you ain't gonna kill me?
- You have my word.

Frankly, we've been
counting on you, haven't we?

The world needs more people
like you, Mr. Roach.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

You don't mind if we kill the others?

Hey, if it makes you feel good, do it.

"If it makes you feel good, do it."
Exactly.

First things first, of course.
The blood seal.

Listen, on a personal note.

Be sure and kill Brayker.

- He's a bossy asshole.
- Isn't he, though?

- Thank you.
- That's it?

- Oh, that's it.
- You ain't such a bad fellow.

You aren't so bad yourself.

Oh, a pleasure doing business
with you, Mr. Roach.

Well... you know this...
"hell on earth" business?

Big fucking deal! I got hemorrhoids.

Vaya con Dios.

And a "vaya con diablos"
to you too, sir.

Oh, Roach. There's just one more thing
I forgot to mention:

I lied.

Anybody home? Come on out, everybody?

It's time to play! Hello?

Or not.

Come on, Brayker, move your ass.
Grab the case and get over here.

Let's go.

Cleo! Come on, baby.

Yeah...

Go.

I want you all up in the steeple now!

- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna cover the rear.

Get your asses up there! Go!

Up. Up, up, up!

This is my house, and I make the rules!

Now get up there!

Shit!

Supper time.

Only enough for one entrance.

Is that all there is?

That's all.

The window.

What did you do that for?

- Take it.
- What?

Out of the seven, you're the only one left.
You're the chosen one.

That's what I came here to do.
Give you this key.

Can I have it?

Danny?

Danny, no!

Danny!

Stop it! Let him go right now!

No!

Danny, no!

Shit! Oh, Jesus!

- Brayker, I'm so sorry.
- Don't be.

You killed him, right?

That's all that's important.

- You're ready.
- Ready for what?

For the key. Give me the key.

Brayker, I can't do this.
I'm not the right person for this shit!

He tried to seduce you, didn't he?

- He tried.
- You're exactly the right kind of person.

Give me your hand.

- I can't, Brayker.
- He's still down there. Come on!

When the stars line up,
you'll know what to do.

I can't tell you how long.
Maybe a lifetime.

Maybe several.
And on that day, you'll fight.

And when that night is over,
you'll do what I just did.

Watch your back, Jeryline.

Watch your...

Brayker?

Don't you leave me!

Brayker! Wake up!

Come on. Wake up.

See that, Jeryline?

I was right about Brayker.

He's dead.

You, you're still here, aren't you?

I'm not gonna hurt you
unless you make me.

You just stay where you are.

Personally, I was hoping
we could avoid this.

Just pour the blood out.
Save yourself the years of running.

I mean, really, what's the point?

It all ends up the same way.

Look at you.

You must be in exquisite pain.

All covered with blood.

That's right.

It's not my blood.

Bitch!

It's curtains for you, baby. Come on!

I'm sure you're familiar
with the relationship...

- between cleanliness and godliness.
- No! No!

Well, let me tell you something.

That's the first thing
I'm gonna change.

You wash and you wash behind the ear.

You rinse and you rinse,
and it comes out clear.

No, you don't!

How was that? Good.

I liked those too. Damn!

Brayker didn't have time
to tell you everything.

That eyeball shit
only works on low-level demons.

I know. Who makes up all these rules?

Upsy-daisy!

This is a special day for me, Jeryline.

I waited a long time for this promotion,
and I have to tell you...

You know, I'm glad that it's you
who could share it with me.

Don't feel bad
about giving up the key because...

by the time your race
finds out what happened...

well, they'll look like
last week's leftovers anyway.

So... cheer up.

Thanks.

I warned you.
I told you what would happen.

You didn't believe me.

I forgive you.

I know what you're thinking:

"He's got the key. What else
could he possibly want now?"

I want you. You know...

no one's ever brought a demon knight
over to the other side before.

Well, not in one piece, anyway.

Honey, you'd be the first.

There'd be a period
of adjustment, of course.

I'm very easy to live with,
I'm clean, I don't drink... much.

And I know my folks are gonna love you.

I notice you're not saying anything...

Is that because you're thinking of something?
What is there to think about?

There was a time when a coy silence
was appreciated in a woman.

Well, this is not one of those times!

And you're really starting
to piss me off!

Down, boy!

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to get angry. I...

Jeryline. Jeryline...

I'm gonna say something to you...
I haven't said to anyone.

Jeryline, I lo...

you.

Jeryline, I lo...

you.

Jeryline, do you think you could
ever find it in your heart...

to possibly lo... me?

Didn't think so.

All right, let's...

Fuck it.

You will die.
But at least we'll be together forever.

If I can't have your soul,
I'm gonna take your heart.

Thank you.

Big luggage to the back, please.

- Thank you.
- Hold on.

No.

It's okay.

I'll wait for the next one.

Ah, I love "scarnations."

You'll be happy to know, kiddies..

That Jeryline lived happily ever after.

In fact, I even got
a "ghostcard" from her.

She's traveling the world
and having a fabulous time.

As for me, I'm afraid
I've got to hurry.

Tonight's our big "screamiere".

Hello.

Hello, hello.

Ah, the whole fan club is here.

Hello, baby-booby-bubby.

Uh-oh! I think my producers
are trying to tell me something.

Well, what do you know!

I asked for final cut, and I got it.

Now that's "inter-tainment"!

Oh, still here, creeps?

What's the matter?

Didn't get your minimum deadly allowance
of murder, madness and mayhem?

Then look out
for my next motion picture.

"Dead Easy", coming very soon
to a theater near you.