Take My Advice: The Ann and Abby Story (1999) - full transcript

WOMAN: Dear Ann, I walked in

on my 17-year-old daughter
with her boyfriend.

She says they were
using protection,

but I don't think that
makes sex right at their age.

What can I do
to make them stop?

Signed,
Helpless in Harrisburg.

(TURNING ON RECORDER)

EPPIE: Dear Helpless,

though I agree
they started too young,

experience has taught me

that once the horses
are out of the barn,



it's hard to
corral them back in.

Congratulate your daughter
on being smart enough

to insist that her horse
wears a saddle.

But you have
the right to insist

the next time
they feel the urge to ride,

they hoof it elsewhere,
not home on the range.

Signed, Ann Landers.

MAN: Dear Abby,

a pushy new manager
has taken over my office.

She has all kinds
of liberated ideas

like hiring foreign types,
even homosexuals.

How can I improve the quality

of the personnel
in my department?

Signed, Besieged in Boston.



Dear Besieged,

quit.

Signed, Abigail Van Buren.

DRIVER 1: You know, I've
driven a lot of busy people,
Miss Van Buren,

but you beat them all.
Don't you ever stop working?

POPO: People never
stop writing.

DRIVER 2: Here we are
at Central High, ma'am.

Better put your work away.

You must get bunches
of those letters,
Miss Landers.

EPPIE: Thousands every week.

They all get answered, though.

DRIVER 2: Everybody's
got problems.

That's true.

Stop here. It's early.

I, I just want to see
if she's coming.

DRIVER 2: Who, Miss Landers?

EPPIE: (CHUCKLES)
Oh, my sister, Popo.

DRIVER 2: Looks like
a full house.

Don't wanna be first?

I tried that once.

(SIGHING)

(PIANO PLAYS INTRODUCTION)

* Daisy

* Maisy

BOTH:
* Give us your answer true

* We're half crazy

* All for the love of you...

(WHISPERING)
Eppie was first
by 17 minutes...

Esther Pauline.

Then came Popo,
Pauline Esther.

REBECCA: They've been
singing together since
they were five years old.

* We can't afford
a carriage...

REBECCA: You know,
they were born on the
4th of July no less.

(CHUCKLES) For years,
they thought the fireworks
were all for them.

* A bicycle built for two

They probably still do.

* There ain't gonna be
a marriage...

Twins are each
half an egg.

That's why they'll
always love each other best
of anyone in the world.

* ...a carriage

* And we'll be damned

* If we'll be crammed

* On a bicycle built for two

REBECCA: Wonderful.
(ALL APPLAUDING)

ERNEST: Bravo!
HERMAN: Bravo!
Very nice!

So wonderful!

Now, look at this.

The column from their
college newspaper.

ERNEST: "The Campus Rat."

They have
such a way with words.

Mother!
REBECCA: Well, it's true.

They're good at telling people
where to get off.

EPPIE: Oh, thanks a lot, Papa.
Enough! Uh, who wants dessert?

Oh!

Come on, Ep.

REBECCA: They made
the desserts themselves.
(BOTH GIGGLING)

So, Herman,
what do you think?

He's okay.

Everyone says
he's got money.

You like Herman so much,
Popo, you be his date.

(SCOFFS)

Oh, and you take Ernest?

Mr. Excitement?

He is so "earnest."

(CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERING) The scarf!

They were about,
let's see,

probably two and a half
at this point...

(WHISPERING) Girls!

BOTH: Guess who?
ABE: Not again.

POPO: So, did Herman
ask you out again?

EPPIE: Oh, I told him
to call me Tuesday.

I'm just gonna
wait for Gary Cooper.

(DOG BARKING)
POPO: (LAUGHS) You could be
waiting a long time.

Poor boys.

Poor boys?

Eppie, what about poor us?

Some day our princes
will come.

And if they don't,
we don't get a life.

We've got
a few years yet.

I'm telling you...

A little here,
a little there.

We could have noses
just like Lana Turner.

Yeah, when we
get our noses done,

you can get Lana Turner,
and I'll get Betty Grable.

But that would be different!

Popo, we get our princes,
things are gonna have
to be different.

No, they don't.

(SIGHS) Well,
for one thing, we'll have
different last names.

But not if we
marry brothers.

We could have
a double wedding.

And then what?

What happens later, huh?

The wedding night.

Think about it.

Oh!

You know, some things
we just can't do together.
(LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

(FEET TAPPING)

EPPIE: What I think...

WOMAN: Yes?

Don't play games.
Be confident!

Easy for you
to say, Eppie.

You're always ready
to take on the world.

Yeah. Well, why not?
Look, you should
just tell him straight,

"Either build a nest

"or don't touch the feathers."

(LAUGHING)

Well, this girl's
got to powder her nose

before she's ready
to take on the world.

I'll wait here, Popo.

Smile, girls.
What?

Here comes
Mort Phillips.

He's worth a mint.

Which one is he?

Over there.

He's kind of cute.

That's what I think.

I'll be right back.
You be nice to him.

Uh, pardon me, miss...

Eppie. And I'd love to dance.

After you.

Hi, Eppie.
Hi, Popo.

EPPIE: Popo...
(SIGHS) Have you met Mort?

Mort, this is my sister.

I would have never guessed.

No one can tell us apart.

MAN: Whoo!

You wanna try?

I'll try. May I?

Mind?

Mind? Why should I mind?

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Hey, Eppie?
Mmm.

You wanna dance?
No, in a second.

Something's
happening out there.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)
POPO: Do you like this one?

ABE: Very nice.

Isn't that sweet?
I like that.

There's a lot I
like here.

Oh, wait,
wait, wait.
Isn't that nice?

That is a
beautiful invitation.
Yeah. I'm glad you like it.

(ALL AGREEING)
I think so.

Papa, are you sure
it's not too expensive?

Only the best
for one of my girls.

Popo, it's gonna be
a beautiful wedding.

Eppie, come.
Take a look.

ABE: We need your opinion.

Which of these ballrooms
should I book

for your sister's reception?

The bigger one.

(CHUCKLING)
ABE: You didn't
even look!

Oh, baby!
No!

ABE: Mama,
this is wonderful!
REBECCA: I'm so pleased.

ABE: Wonderful!
REBECCA: Congratulations!

Popo, did you know
about this?

(LAUGHING)

Congratulations!

POPO: What is going on?

Congratulations.
MORT: Congratulations, Herman.

Oh, we are
so pleased!

Oh!

(WHISPERING)
So Herman? Mr. Okay?

Are you sure
he's the one?

Herman's good.
He's decent.

Besides, you would die
if you had to walk
down the aisle without me.

So, Herman,
when's the lucky day?

BOTH: It's a double wedding.

This soft bit...
Mmm-hmm.

(EPPIE AND POPO LAUGHING)

EPPIE: You're so bad!

(BOTH WHISPERING)

(BOTH GASPING)

POPO: Oh, that one.

EPPIE: That you can't rent.

EPPIE: So, when he took you
home, did you shake his hand?

POPO: I can't believe you!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Oh, Popo, come here.
What?

EPPIE: Look at this one.
(BOTH GASPING)

This is a dream.
It is.

EPPIE: Look at this.
POPO: Oh, my goodness.

Eppie, is this too
tight in the...

How do you like
this one, Popo?

Knockout!

Well, what do you
like about it?

Well, um, it's, uh...

Elegant, yet intelligent.

Interesting, joyous.

Utterly unique, like you.

Did I say
all the right things?

Yes, and
particularly "unique."

I like the unique.

But, Eppie...

What's the point
of having a double wedding

if we don't
make the most of it?

You're right.
Double or nothing.

Eppie, what about this one?

JULES: Oh, I think
these are you.

EPPIE: Oh, the shoes
are stunning.

This is exactly
what I had in mind.
Ep?

JULES: So you like them?

EPPIE: I, I don't know.

I better check
with my sister.

Oh, I think
she'll agree.

You know,
I figured

you could show
your togetherness
with the dresses,

and your individuality
with the shoes.

(EPPIE CHUCKLES)

Good idea?

Thanks.
I feel like Cinderella.

Well, with feet
this pretty,

you should have
a glass slipper.

Oh, that's very sweet of you,
but this isn't a fairy tale.

With someone like you,
it really should be.

You're holding my foot.

I am.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Um...

Mmm...

EPPIE: I'll be out
in a minute, Popo.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

I, I was...

Say it already.

(SIGHING)

I can't, Miss Friedman.

Okay. I guess
we're done here.

It's your sister, Eppie!

She is so, uh...

So...

Engaged?

Well, that's the problem.

Look, Prince Charming,
if you want my advice,

a "no" is better
than always wondering
what might have been.

Right.
(SCREEN OPENING)

Eppie, um...

Why don't you
just finish up here,
and I'll be outside?

Is there anything else,
Mr. Lederer?

You're not gonna
believe this.

That salesman, Jules...

Jules?
Stop it!

Popo, he just asked me out
on a date!

And?
And, and...

What, and?

I'm engaged! I mean,
sure he's charming...

Oh, charming?
You stop!

I didn't say yes.

And you didn't say no.

Look into your
heart, Eppie.

If you're gonna marry,
marry for love.

You know,
it's supposed
to last forever.

That's my advice.

RABBI: ...usual not in that
we are present

at the marriage
of two wonderful people,

but rather unusual
in that today we celebrate
a double blessing, double joy.

For we are all here
to witness the marriage

of the twin daughters of
Abraham and Rebecca Friedman,

Pauline Esther
and Esther Pauline,

to two wonderful men,

Mort Phillips
and Jules Lederer.

Jules, will you place
the ring on Esther's finger?

Repeat after me.
(SPEAKING HEBREW)

ALL: Mazel tov!
(APPLAUDING)

MORT: What's wrong, Popo?

POPO: Every time
I write Eppie a letter,

I can't help thinking
about it.

MORT: Thinking about
what, honey?

POPO: We're so blessed,
and they're so struggling.

Poor Jules
out there on the road
selling pots and pans.

I feel guilty.

Popo, when your father
fled Russia,

he sold sewing machines
to earn a living.

Look how things
turned out for him.

Things will get better
for Eppie and Jules.

You'll see.
He's a hard worker.

You know, Mort,
I was thinking

we should talk
to the architect

about maybe
building a nursery.

Sounds like a plan.

Well, you know,
it's something to think about.

Okay.
(BABY MARGO CRYING)

EPPIE: Hang on a minute,
sweetie. It's almost ready.

I know, I know.

Yeah, here we go.
(BABY MARGO
CONTINUES CRYING)

It's okay, Margo.

I've got your bottle.

And I made it
nice and warm for you.

Yes, I did.

How are you doing,
my beautiful?

All right, come here.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)
I know. I know
you're hungry.

Oh, it's okay.

(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

Hello?
JULES: Sweetheart.

(WHISPERING)
Did Manny call?

EPPIE: No. Why?

He was supposed to be here
40 minutes ago!

How am I gonna make
the sale without Manny?
He's the cook!

Listen, when he calls,
tell him to get right
over here.

Okay, I will.

Good luck.

JULES: And now,
as Wizard Chef promises...

(WOMEN GASPING)
...perfection every time.

WOMAN 1: My compliments
to the cook.
WOMAN 2: Oh!

Well, it's not the cook.
It's the cookware.

It sure smells
delicious!

That's because
the flavors are
all locked in.

That's the Wizard
Chef guarantee.

But more important, ladies,

the patented vitasave design
ensures that the nutrients

your family needs
to stay healthy

stay in the food.

Why, just look
at the muscles

vitasave has put
on Mr. Lederer.

(ALL CHUCKLING)
I want a set
of those pots.

I do, too.

Well, terrific.

Why don't we step right up
and taste time!

I can't wait to taste it.

(WOMAN GIGGLING)

JULES: Bye-bye.
EPPIE: Bye-bye.

WOMAN: Bye.

Oh, I feel so alive!
Six whole orders!

We make a great team,
you and I.

Much better than two guys.

What are you talking about?
We're already a team,
you and I.

Well, at home, sure.

You don't want me
at home?

In the bedroom
with the lights out.

On.

Okay.

Hey, Jules?
Yeah?

Being a housewife
is wonderful,

but it's only
half a life.

You know, I feel like
the other half of me
is being wasted.

I can be a wife to you
and a mother to Margo,

and still do a lot more
than just stay home all day.

What are you, superwoman?

No, just capable.

Yeah. Well, listen...

You better lay off
stroking my muscles
in public.

(CHUCKLES)
It's driving
those housewives crazy.

Come on, Jules.
I'm serious.

I'm serious, too.
Manny is the guy...

Oh, Manny! Those women
were paying attention to me.
Did you notice?

Yes, I noticed.

Yeah. And who sold
six orders in one day?

JULES: You are relentless!

All right.
What do you say, Jules?

It's a deal?
We're partners?
(SIGHING)

Partners.

Thank you. Love you!

I'll check on Margo.

Okay. Hurry back.

(WHISPERING)
She's sleeping.

Jules, what's the matter?

I just got a new job.

And they don't
take partners.

JULES: I'm drafted.

Yeah.
(DOOR OPENING)

Eppie, got to go.
Mort's home.

Give Jules our love.

Hi, sweetheart.

Eppie again.

She's certainly
gonna miss Jules.
(SIGHING)

We have been so lucky.

MORT: Looks like
I'm gonna be
there with him.

EPPIE: Popo, I can't believe
we're doing this.

You're a terrible
influence on me.

POPO: Hey, it's like
Mama always said,

"When you're down in
the dumps, buy a new hat."
(EPPIE LAUGHING)

Oh, Popo, it's so good
to have you in Chicago.

Although I feel
a little guilty

about not volunteering
at the hospital today.

It's like
we're playing hooky.

Oh...

Hey...

What's the matter?

I am scared to death, Eppie.
What if they get sent
overseas?

Cheer up, sissy,
they're gonna be fine.

Don't borrow trouble.

How can you be so calm?

I'm not.
I miss Jules terribly.

Oh, we would have been
so great working together.

Oh, you can't tell me
you actually enjoyed
selling pots and pans.

I like working.

Oh!

No, not our style.

Yeah? Not yours, maybe.

Ooh, are you
going to get it?

I love it.

Oh, but not that much.

But it looked fabulous!

No, I'll just
keep looking.

Let me buy it
for you.

No, Popo,
that's not how it goes.

Oh, come on.
It makes me happy
to see you happy.

POPO: Now, aren't you glad
we got these hats, Eppie?

Oh, it looks great on you.

I didn't even know
we could wear that color.

You know what?

We should do something really
unforgettable for the boys.

A surprise
that'll last forever.

The Lana Turner special.

(LAUGHING)

Well, I was thinking
more Betty Grable.

Mmm, as long as it matches.

Would it be so bad

if mine was
a little different?

Eppie, being the same
is what makes us unique.

Whenever I wanna see
how special I am,

I just look at you.

But, Popo, I'm not you.

But you look like me,
think like me, act like me,

do things exactly
the same way I would.

We've been given a gift.
Treasure it.

I, I just don't think
of it that way.

But you feel it.

To our new noses.

I'll be back in Chicago
in two weeks.

We'll do it then.

WOMAN ON PA:
Dr. Kirchey to room 203.

Dr. Kirchey
to room 203, please.

Mrs. Lederer, a telegram
just came for you.
Yeah.

A telegram?
Mmm.

Thank you.

"Dear Eppie,
I hate to let you down,

"but Mort nixed our surprise.

"He likes me
the way that I am.

"Hope the doctor won't be
mad at us for calling it off."

Mrs. Lederer,
we can't wait any longer.

I can do your sister
next week.

My sister canceled.

You're canceling now?

No. No,
I'm going through with it.

It's time to break the mold.

RABBI: The mystery
of life and death

is beyond human understanding.

We are perplexed
and overwhelmed

when pain and suffering
befall those whom we love.

We are gathered here
to pay our last respects

to Rebecca Friedman,

devoted wife to Abe,

loving mother
to her twin daughters.

(SPEAKING HEBREW)

(SOBBING)

(SNIFFLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Look at that.
Mmm-hmm.

Is that sweet?

I thought they
were so cute,
the two of them.

Hey.

Oh, Eppie, I can't
believe Mama's gone.

Yeah. At least
she wasn't in pain.

She was always
the strong one.

Do you think
Papa's all right?

(ALL CHUCKLING)

I love that.

Oh, girls!
Come sit with me.

Come.

Thanks.

So, are you okay, Papa?

Mama wouldn't
want us moping.

Mmm-mmm.
That's right.

Popo...

What would she
want us to remember?

Good times.

You know what's
in this book?

A family
growing up together.

And we're gonna
keep this family together,
aren't we, Jules?

We have some
great news
for everyone.

Jules is gonna join me
in Eau Claire at the company

as soon as
we get out of the army.

This war will be
ending soon

and the country's
gonna need to rebuild.

And I'm gonna need
a great VP of sales.

Oh, that's terrific.

ABE:
That's wonderful news, boys!

MORT: We've been serving
in the same outfit.

We love each other
like brothers.

He said we'd
love Wisconsin.

Wisconsin.

Imagine, the twin act
back on the bill again.

WOMAN: Hey, Francine!

Ronnie, I want you to
take these fliers
and cover downtown.

EPPIE: I've already done
the south side.

All right, tomorrow
we're gonna put out
our statement to the papers.

I figure if we make
enough noise up here,

they'll hear us
down in Madison.
RONNIE: All right.

Are you ready?
Oh, hi, honey.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Is it time already?

Yeah. We've got to get
to Popo's, pick up Margo,

get back to the house,
get ready for the dance.

Okay. I'll be back
first thing
in the morning.

Okay, bye-bye.
Have a nice night.

JULES: Eppie, come on.
Let's get going.
We're gonna be late.

You know, there are
much more important things
than a country club dance.

Besides, I don't have
a thing to wear.

I've heard that before.

You know, that company
from Chicago called again.

They keep upping
the offer.
And?

Well, at least it's nice
to be wanted.

EPPIE: What do you suppose
they do in all those rooms?

JULES: Come on, Eppie,
be nice.

EPPIE: Yeah. I'll be good.

Is that another new car?

(EPPIE CHUCKLES)
JULES: Funny.

How come I always
think of Versailles,

and Marie Antoinette
when I come here?

(SHOUTING)

Uncle Jules!
JULES: There you are.

Get up here, Edward!

EPPIE: Oh, Margo.
How are you doing?

Fine, Mommy.

Hi, Daddy.

Hey, sweetheart.

Uncle Mort said to say
he's on the back porch.

Okay. All right,
here we go.

All right. Here we go.
Here we go. Come on.
Come on.

Those kids are terrors.

I know, but they
adore you.
(CHUCKLES)

I'm trying to teach them songs
you and Aunt Popo used to do.
Mmm-hmm.

Jeanne's got the words
down, but Eddie thinks
they're gross.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Hey, why don't we have one of
our special days this weekend?

Maybe Saturday we'll go
into town and have lunch, huh?

And you didn't even
have to check your calendar?

Oh! Very funny, smarty.
Come on, you.

Hello!

Help!

Give me that gun!

Give me the gun!

Edward and Jeanne Phillips,
outside now!

And tell Margo
we're leaving
in 10 minutes.

Oh, take this.

Hmm. You'd think
the riding lessons,
swimming lessons,

tennis lessons
would tire them out.

Here, got to wear this one.

Oh. Oh, this will be
a big hit down at
democratic headquarters.

Which reminds me...

I need you to sign this.

Do you think those petitions
do any good?

Yes!
Oh, I'll sign it later.

Hey.

How's this for an evening
of political rabble-rousing?

Look, Popo, thank you,

but you know
I can buy my own dresses.

Jules makes
a perfectly good living.

I don't need
your hand-me-downs.

I just want you
to have what I have.

But what I have
is what I chose.

Eppie... Wait!

I've got a genius idea!

(SIGHING)

How would you like
to wear this?

Popo, I told you...

Ooh!
(TELEPHONE RINGING)

JULES: Hello?

Oh, hi!

I swear, if I hear
one more word

about their tennis and riding
and swimming...

JULES: No, we were just
getting ready to go out.
It's okay.

I swear I'm just
gonna scream.

JULES: No, we... Yeah, no, no.

I've been... I've been
thinking about it a lot.

Yes.

No, very seriously.

Yes, sir.

Yes, yes, thank you.

Chicago again?

Jules, take it!

I know, I know.

It's just, you know, Mort's
been so good to me.

I know Mort's been great,
but it's been years,

and you've earned
everything, right?

I think you're a
little prejudiced.

(SIGHING)

Maybe it's time
to make your own mark.

Help me.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

Look at her.

MORT: Would you relax
and enjoy yourself?

Hi, Ethel.
DON: Hi.

Don.
How are you?

I wish Eppie
wouldn't do that.

This isn't
a political convention.

I think
you're overreacting.

Well, I just don't
think it's right

for her to use the club
as a soapbox.

Nobody minds except you.

You know what?
Mmm?

I'm going to get a drink.

You look stunning tonight.

If you don't mind, I'm going
to circulate this petition

before they start
serving dinner.

Eppie...

I hate what McCarthy's
doing as much as you, but...

But what?

We have to live here,
you know.

Mort has to work here.

Some of these people
they get nervous

if you refer to Washington
as a revolutionary.

Yeah. Well, some
of these people are
a little too comfortable

in their perfect lives.

Eppie, I love what
you're wearing.
Is that Dior?

It suits her, doesn't it?
You know, it's always been
one of my favorites.

Sissy, let's get some air.
Excuse us, Phyllis.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Please don't give me a dress,
then rip it off me in public.

I didn't!

You know,
I should've known better.
It's my fault.

There is always a price.

Eppie, it's not like that.

Oh, it's not? Look,
if you don't like
the way I act,

then don't invite me
to your country club.

I'm just being me.

Yeah. Well,
I'm just being me.

What are you two
up to out here, huh?
Nothing.

We were just
getting some air.
Mmm-hmm.

I was just, uh...

I was just trying
to break the news.

What news?

About Chicago,
the job in Chicago.

Jules has been offered
a great opportunity.

You're moving to Chicago?

They've asked him to run
this really big company,

lots of responsibility.

I haven't actually committed.

I've been very
happy here, Mort.

Don't let our friendship
stand in the way.

If this is the
right thing, grab it.

Sure, I mean, you know,

if, if that's
what you really want.

Chicago's always
been a special place
for me and Jules.

You remember?
We were young.

We were poor.
(CHUCKLES)

We were in love.

Oh, it was grand.

(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)

Oh, hey.
Mmm-hmm.

All right. Come on.

(LAUGHING)
Come on, Jules!

It doesn't look good

for the president
of the company to be late.

Oh, now, what good is it
being president

if you can't set
your own hours?

(LAUGHING)

Come on, don't
mess up my hair.
I just fixed it.

I have my interview at
democratic headquarters today.

Oh, yeah, right.
They're gonna love you.
(SIGHING)

Mmm.

You know, the place
is looking fantastic.

Really. You must be
finished unpacking.

Not quite.

Oh, good morning, Margo.

"Seven rules
for good posture"?

Please. Nobody reads
Ann Landers anymore.

She's so L-seven.

L-seven?
Yeah. Um...

"L," seven, square.

Ah!

Whoa! Whoa!

JULES: No, wait.
Is that all you're gonna eat?

I'm fine, Dad.

Oh, I forgot.

Um... Aunt Popo
called last night.

Now you tell me!

What's the big deal?
You two are always talking.

Of course we are.
She's my twin.

I don't know how
you can stand being a twin.

It's like you're only
half of something.

I like being a whole person.

You know, the first rule
of good posture...

Don't stick your foot
in your mouth.

Let Daddy walk you
to the bus stop.
Bye, hon.

See you.
MARGO: Bye.

JULES: Good luck!

(DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hi.

(SIGHING)

EVANS: Almost, almost.

GALLAGHER: Okay. All right.

Who's dealing?
EVANS: I am. Are you in?

Mr. Gallagher?

I have an appointment
with a Mr. Gallagher.

What can I do you for?

I'm Eppie Lederer
from Wisconsin.

Oh, yeah, Eppie.
Heard good things
about your work.

This is Bob Salinsky,
second district.
Hello.

Al Logenick,
his associate.
Hi.

And this character
is Dean Evans,

edits the Sun-Times.

EPPIE: How are you?
Are you new to Chicago?

What paper you read,
us or the Trib?

Us, of course.
You've got a good paper there,

except for that Ann Landers.

She's a real L-seven.

You know, a square.
(MEN LAUGHING)

What?
I said something funny?

You just told Ann Landers
his column stinks.

Ann Landers is a man?

Last time I looked.

GALLAGHER: The gal
who wrote Ann Landers died.

Evans has been fillin' in

till he turns up
a new broad to write it.

Now, Mrs. Lederer...
Uh, Eppie. Here.

Okay, Eppie.

I see that you were
local party chairman.

You got good references.

Been working against
Joe McCarthy.

You know, this is
all great but I don't
have anything suitable

for a gal
of your experience.

No, I, I'm willing
to work my way up.

This is Chicago, toots.
I got 1,000 foot soldiers
ahead of you

who've been walking
the district for 20 years.

GALLAGHER: There's got to be
something more suitable

for a little lady
of your many talents.

I'll take two.

EVANS: "The Campus Rats"?

You wrote a column
for a college newspaper?

Two dozen lady reporters
with real newspaper experience
have put in for this job.

You're not even qualified
to enter the contest.

Well, I couldn't do any worse
than the current Ann Landers.

What does a guy have to do
to get rid of a gal like you,
Mrs. Lederer?

Give me a chance?

EVANS: All right.
Bring in some samples.

"Dear Ann Landers,

"I've got two daughters
who are smart and know
how to fight back.

"I know the modern
child-rearing method

"is to let the child
develop as an individual,

"to be given freedom.

"But what about discipline?
Signed, Frannie."

(DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

Hello, operator.
Can I have the number, please,
for a Dr. Benjamin Spock?

That's right.

Yes, I know the head
of the Mayo Clinic
is a very busy person.

Tell him Landers
of the Sun-Times.

Yeah, I'll hold.

Hey, hon.

(WHISPERING)
Hi! How was your day?

Shh!

Yeah, Doctor.
How are you doing?

It's Ann Landers here
from the Chicago Sun-Times.

Uh, I have a
question for you.

JULES: Frugal. Prudent.

How about
Scottish car rental

with a little
tartan-plaid logo?

No go?

Jules, keep it simple.

You know, it's for people
who are on a budget.

Budget Car Rental.

I like that.

Mrs. Lederer,
you're amazing!

Beauty and brains!

Oh, why, thank you,
Mr. Lederer.

Mmm.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hmm?

Hello.

Uh, one moment.

He says he apologizes
for calling so late.

Who?

His Excellency,
the Archbishop.

I'm impressed.

I wonder what would have
happened if I called the Pope.

Hello, Your Excellency.
How are you?

(BUSY SIGNAL)
Now, I want you to taka
all of these out.

What does she do,
leave it off the hook?

Just a sec.

Wrap this up very securely
and take those two out now.

I have been trying
to reach her for an hour.

Don't make so much of it.

We're going to be
1,500 miles apart.

You two are never
that far apart.

Besides, the last time
I checked,

they had phones
in California, too.

Oh, you don't know.
You have no idea
what it's like to be a...

Twin. I know, I know.

You know what I mean.

When she moves away,
we move further away.

And a year goes by,
then another.

We just keep getting
farther and farther apart.

I know.

I love you.

Oh, shh.
Ouch.

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Eppie, goodbye.

Goodbye?
Farewell!

And hello, Ann Landers.

You don't recognize
your name?

You got the job, toots.

EVANS: Bright,
insightful, informed.

Think of each word
as 10 bucks out of
your paycheck.

Then that puts me
in the minus column.

You're a quick study, Annie.

Uh, it's Eppie.

Here, you're Ann Landers.
Here's about 600 letters.

Pull 60, answer 20,
and we'll work three
of those into shape.

Oh, yeah, and
each signed letter
gets an answer.

When I was doing the column,
I sort of fell behind.

Hope you're a fast reader.

(SIGHING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

Good night, Fred.
See you tomorrow.

Dear Ann Landers,

it's midnight and my
missus is missing.

What do you advise

for getting her hands
off the keys and onto me?

Patience and a cold shower.

JULES: Thanks a lot.

Oh, darling,
I am so sorry.

I... Oh, what can I say?
You married a nut!

Oh, Jules,

for the first time in my life,

I feel like
I've really found my calling.

Feels good, huh?

Unbelievable.

Well, don't work too hard.

My advice? Get someone
to help you with this backlog.

After that, smooth sailing.

Okay.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Sissy, hi! How are you?

Mmm, still unpacking.

Oh, I know we've both
been busy with moving,

but I really miss
our gabfests.

EPPIE: Are you all settled
in the new house?

Mmm, almost.

Decorator's still
working on it.

What's up with you?

Well, I'm sitting here
staring at a mountain of mail.
(CHUCKLES)

It's not the holidays yet.

No, not cards, letters.

Hundreds of them.

And they all
need an answer, Popo.

I got a job!

My sis,
a working girl again?

Oh! Poor baby,
she's had to
take a job.

Sounds like some sort
of sales letter.

Uh. So, what
are you selling?

Something glamorous,
I hope.

No, I'm writing
a column.

A what?

I have a new identity,
even a new name...

Ann Landers.

The newspaper lady?

Well, you'll always
be Eppie to me.

She's writing
the Ann Landers
newspaper column.

Mmm-hmm.
It's sort of
like having a

tiger by the tail,
a bit scary.

Oh, when have you been
scared of anything?

Well, I'm going
cross-eyed reading
all these letters.

I think she needs me.

Uh, maybe you
need glasses?

No. Maybe
I need help.

Oh, she needs me!
MORT: Good.

Just for a few days, huh?
If you can manage it.

Oh, sure. The kids
will be fine with the
housekeeper and Mort.

I can manage it.

Maybe, uh,
I could leave tonight.

No, no,
tomorrow will be fine.

But what about...

Oh, Mort?
Oh, you'll be
okay, right?

Oh, he'll be fine.

All right, don't worry.
I'm on my way.

Don't panic,
the cavalry is coming!

Bye!

So, did you
just move in?
(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

Just.

Just married.

Oh!
Me too.

Oh.
(GIGGLING)

Hey, what are you
readin' today?

Oh.

You read the news?

Nah, all the "Russians
are coming" stuff...

It's so depressing.

I read advice.

Advice?
Mmm-hmm.

"I'm 34 and I've fallen
for the delivery boy.

"He's a lot younger,
but so cute.

"Trouble is, I don't think
I'm the only R & R stop
on his route."

(GIGGLING)

So, what's the reply?

"What this kid is delivering
to your home

"sounds like baloney.
Signed, Ann Landers."
(GASPS)

(ALL GIGGLING)
Let me see that.

EPPIE: ...a second.
All right. Listen to this.

"Dear Ann Landers,

"our neighbor's dog
barks all night long.

"What can we do?"

I'm gonna answer
this one later.

Okay, what about this?

"Dear Ann Landers,

"I've been a waitress
for seven years and I am
bored with my job."

Oh, let's answer that
later, too.

Okay.

Wait a minute.
Hold the phone.

"Dear Ann Landers,

"my son was married
seven months ago,

"but he and his wife just had
a 10-pound baby boy."
Let me guess.

They told grandma
that the big baby was early,

but she has her doubts.

Right!
What would Mama say?

The stork was on schedule.
It was...

The preacher
who was late.

You know,
we're great at this.

You know, and people
are listening to us.

You know, Popo,
you have been

such a wonderful help.

I mean,
I was buried before,

and now it'll be
smooth sailing
thanks to you.

Why does that sound
like a pink slip?

No, it was a thank you.

I mean, I could never
have gotten through
this backlog

without your help.

Yeah, well,
you can say that again.

Our column is a knockout.

Our column? No...
(SIGHING)

Popo, they hired me.

(TYPING)

Oh, so, what you're
saying is, "thanks for
the grunt work, Popo,

"but don't forget
your hat."

Oh, come on, be logical.

This can't go on forever.

I mean, we both have
our own lives.

You've got Mort
and the kids

and, and a house
in a different state.

Oh, I'll pack.

Honey, don't do this.

What? What? Do what?

Make such a drama
out of this.

Well, you're right.
It's no big deal.

Hey, sissy, it was great fun
while the party lasted, huh?

So you understand?

Well, sure I understand.

Hey, you don't need
my advice.

MORT: So, how was
your flight, honey?

Honey?

It's good to have you back.

Your old foursome's been
asking after you.
(SIGHING)

I, I don't mean to be mean,
but if I have to spend

one more afternoon
on the golf course,

I'm liable to wrap my putter
around someone's neck.

You're good at tennis.
So you could always
take up tennis.

No, it's the country club.

It's all of that.

When I was working
with Eppie, I felt so alive.

It's like I was born
to do that column.

Don't get me wrong,
Eppie's smart as a tack,

but the zingers
were mine.

Hmm.

You know, I think
maybe I'll just, uh,

check around the papers.

Oh, isn't that moving in
on Eppie's turf a little bit?

What turf?
She's in Chicago,
1,500 miles away.

I'm no threat.

Threat wasn't my word.

Put it in another way.

If you already had a career,
any career,

and if Eppie decided
to take up that
exact same career,

you wouldn't mind?

No, I'd be flattered.

And she will, too.
She'll be thrilled.

You know. I'm just, uh,
following in her footsteps.

Hmm.

(CABLE CARS PASSING)

Excuse me, sir.
Yeah?

You have someone
to see you in your office.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Hold on a minute.

Listen, Pepe...
Popo.

We have
an advice columnist.

Uh, she's mediocre.

And Ann Landers
is trouncing her.

How did you know that?

Go bother
the fashion editor, huh?

Good advice is always
in fashion, Mr. Royce.

Oh, that's cute.
No, that's wit.

Give me a stack of letters.

If you don't like
what you read,

you'll have to live
without me.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(ROYCE LAUGHING)

This is great stuff.

(LAUGHING)

I love it.

But who's Abigail Van Buren?

Abigail from the Bible,
she gave advice.

And Van Buren?
Eighth president, elegant.

That still doesn't tell us
who Abby is.

Me.

I'll think about it.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)
(SIGHING)

Oh!

"Marriage is a promise
before God

"that two people
will love one another

"until death separates them.

"You can't be a coward
and run for the exit
at the first sign of trouble."

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Ann Landers.

(SIGHING)

Sissy, why, why would I mind?

Abigail Van Buren?

It, it's not like
I'll be competing with you.

I mean, well, Ann Landers is
syndicated all over the place.

And my Dear Abby column

is just in one tiny,
little paper

way out here in California.

I think it's wonderful
that you and I have ended up

doing the same thing,
don't you?

I love Ann Landers
telling this lady

who doesn't want to iron
her husband's underwear,

"you're lucky if that's
the only wrinkle
in your marriage."

"Iron your troubles away
before your man finds someone
else to steam his shorts."

She doesn't say whether
to use starch.

Holy moley,
listen to this.

"I've been dating a man
who hints of marriage,

"but he seems more interested
in the money I earn
as a brassiere model."

What?
That's not
in Ann Landers.

It's in Dear Abby.

Who?
How could there be
another column

worth reading?
Give me that.

"What do you think
he really sees in me?"

Well, what does
this Abby say?

"Gold in them thar hills."

(ALL LAUGHTER)

Have you read
the Trib today?

Three weeks and she's
in Philly, Tallahassee,

and, can you believe it?
New York.

How's that
for sisterly love?

(CLATTERING)

(YAWNING)

ROYCE: We never expected
Dear Abby
to take off like this.

40% growth
over the last six months.

I mean, 20 years
I've been syndicating,

I've never seen
growth like this.

I'm so happy
people like me so much.

And I can do better.
I know I can.

What are
Ann Landers' numbers?

You can't compare
yourself to Ann Landers.

I mean, that column's
been around a long time.

Then you get out there
and sell, sell, sell,

because I'm gonna
be around a long time, too.

It's like I said, Mr. Evans,
she's gaining outlets.

This is not a competition.

Besides, our papers
are bigger.

EVANS: That's right, Ann.
You own more eyeballs,

and that's the name
of the game.

It's not a competition.

But still, we should
put my face out there.

You know, match a face
with the name,

for the eyeballs.

Television!
Put me on TV.

Let them see
who they're writing to.

That way, there
would be more outlets
and more readers.

Glad it's not
a competition.

Birth control?

Ann, we can't print this.

And I can't ignore what
my readers wanna discuss.

Dean, times are changing.

But think of
the controversy.
Exactly!

Wait a minute!
Who's in charge here?

The readers.

But if I don't lead,

who do you think
they're going to follow?

(SCRAPING)

Mrs. Jules Lederer,
a very striking signature...
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

...and no doubt an
excellent clue
for our panel to use

as they try to discover
your secret occupation.

Tonight on Person to Person
Dear Abby,

or Mrs. Morton Phillips,
as she prefers to be called,

has graciously invited us
into her home.

Have you met today's deadline,
Mrs. Philips,

or are we interrupting
another long day
at the office?

Heavens, no, Ed.

8:00 to 3:00
and not a minute more

is all the time I allow
for my "hobby."

You see, being a wife
and mother is my true career.

WOMAN: Is your job
in any way provocative?

I hope so.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Not in the way that
Miss Kilgallen has in mind.

That's five down
and five to go.

I imagine
your new celebrity

has had quite an impact
on your home life.

Oh, Ed, I'm no celebrity.

No. My loving family
is my blessing,

and that's
enough for me.

Yes, well, the question
that's on everyone's mind,

what's Dear Abby's formula
for good living?

To experience life
in all its goodness,

one must open oneself up
to the needs of others.

For if you aren't giving, Ed,
then you aren't living.

MAN: Mrs. Lederer, do you
often write about l'amour?

And how.

Would you by any chance be
a lovelorn columnist?

(AUDIENCE GASPING)
Yes.

WOMAN: Of course,
it's her, Dear Abby!

Mrs. Lederer writes
an advice column

for the Chicago Sun-Times.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Ann Landers.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(HORN HONKING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

REPORTER 1: Abby,
welcome to Chicago.

Well, thank you.
It's great to be here.

Abby, there are
a lot of people in there
dying to meet you.

POPO: Hey, if it's for
the column, let me at 'em.

REPORTER 2: How long
are you planning
to be here, Abby?

POPO: Oh, only a few days.
I've got a lot of mail
to answer.

(REPORTER 2 LAUGHING)
REPORTER 1: I'll bet you do.

Ann, we got to
get in there.

Every sales manager
that matters is gonna
come by our booth.

Mmm. Hers, too.

That's the whole point.
You want ours to be empty?
Come on.

Ann, please, this isn't
gonna look good.

You think nobody's
gonna notice

that you're not getting out
to say hello?

(EPPIE SIGHING)

All right!

Can you take that?

(CAMERA CLICKING)

EVANS: Now, Ann...

Don't worry.
I can handle it.

All right. Okay.

Hello.
Hi, sis.

Oh, I caught you on TV.

Likewise.

It was just so wonderful.

And it's been such
a long time since
anyone confused us.

Brought back
a flood of memories.

REPORTER: Smile, girls.

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

WOMAN 1: Dear Abby,
my husband always sleeps
stark naked,

gets up, goes into
the kitchen,

and makes breakfast
still totally nude.

I worry that there's something
wrong with his behavior.

What do you think?
Newlywed.

POPO: Dear Newly,
you've got a man who cooks?

Quit complaining and ask him
to put on an apron

when he's frying
your bacon and eggs.

WOMAN 2: Dear Ann Landers,
I'm 66 and my boyfriend is 68.

Who should be the first one
to offer a kiss?

Have the rules changed?
Signed, Perplexed.

EPPIE: Dear Perplexed,
forget the rules!

If you feel like
kissing him, do it.

I'm sure he'll meet you
halfway and race you
to the finish.

WOMAN 3: Dear Abby, for
two years, I've been dating
the man of my dreams.

Last night he told me
that he's afraid

that getting married
would take the magic
out of our romance.

Should I keep seeing him?
Signed, Confused.

Dear Confused,
tell your Houdini

you're going to perform
one final trick...

The disappearing act.

MAN: Dear Ann, my girlfriend,
who is 10 years younger,
has suggested marriage,

but she constantly asks me
about my income and finances.

My friends all question
her sincerity,

but if that's so, why does she
worship the ground I walk on?

Puzzled.

Dear Puzzled,
she probably thinks

you're standing
on an oil field.

(SIGHS)
I thought you could get VD.
Off a doorknob.

Shh. Watch your language.

What's VD?

It's venereal disease.

Abby says the only way
to solve these problems

is to talk openly about them.

Oh, really.
Ann said the same thing
about civil rights.

What's going on?
I thought they wrote
about romance.

Oh, they do. Look.

Ooh, here's a juicy one.

Birth control?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hi.
BOTH: Come on in.

Well, you know,
having Life magazine
visit me for the week,

I didn't have time
to make much of a breakfast
for my family.

Just the normal fare.

EPPIE: There you go.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

Have fun at
baseball practice.

Go get 'em, Edward.

Good luck on the
history test, Jeanne.

Goodbye, dreamboat.

INTERVIEWER: So, how
did you feel when you realized

that both you
and your twin sister

were going to be
in the same business?

I was delighted.
I said, "Congratulations.

"That's marvelous.
I am so happy for you."

I have always been so thrilled
for her success,

I just naturally assumed
she'd be supportive of mine.

Frankly, I don't know
what to think.

I mean, I write
something in my column,

and two weeks later,
it ends up in hers.

Not that I
read her, mind you.

She has a certain
Freudian flaw of character.

I mean, really.

How else do you explain
the nose job?

(CLEARS THROAT)

"Twin advisers to America
ripped apart by success."

Listen to this.

"She says, 'Love has always
come first for me.

"'I didn't have to marry
a millionaire.'"

Right here, listen to this.

"I'm not trying
to be the champion,

"but it's like
playing poker,

"if you don't have to win,
you get the cards."

You know, if she didn't
have to win, then why did
she get in the game?

Well, you could've
expected it.

The title of the article

is "Twin Advisers to America
Ripped Apart by Success."

Oh, and then this!

"I love her, but even
I can't explain her
irrational behavior,

"though this book helps."

And you know what
the book is called?
Hmm?

The Hostile Mind.

Tell me, what kind of a mind
does it take to say that?

She says, "I love her dearly,
but you have to understand,

"she's like a kid who beats
a dog until somebody looks,

"then starts petting it."

Well, that's it!
(SLAMMING)

Sisters?

Twins.

They should take
their own advice.

EPPIE: Well, I can't believe
what I'm reading.

How could you invent
those things about me?

POPO: Those are the facts.
You created the fiction.

And after all
I've done for you.

Oh, don't flatter yourself!

Well, poor Eppie.

Hang on.
I'll get you the number
of a great psychiatrist.

Yeah, well,
if your recommendation

is from personal experience,
I'll pass.

Oh, and speaking of numbers,
Popo, lose mine.

I already have.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(DOG BARKING)

(JULES HUMMING)

(HUMMING CONTINUES)

Wake up, sleepyhead.

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(SIGHING)

Great.

Good morning, honey.

There's breakfast in bed
if you're interested.

(DINGS)

Oh, don't tempt me.
I'm racing a deadline.

JULES: That's a race
you win every time.

Look, Eppie,
about our anniversary,

I was thinking...
Maybe we take a few days off.

You know, go to London,
see some theater.

Uh, you know, I've got...

I'm speaking in Washington,
and then I'm...

I'm in Boston the whole
of next week. I...

Did you even
mark it in there?

Of course, for dinner.

After 25 years of marriage,
a quarter of a century,

it better be some dinner.

Look, uh, maybe...

Maybe I'll go
to London myself.

A quarter of
a century? Hmm.

Sounds like a
chunk of time when you
put it that way.

You know, I saw Mort
at the business lounge

at La Guardia last week.

Oh. And how is he?

They're doin' fine.

Ep, I was thinkin'
that maybe...

You know, Jules,
I've got this letter

that's been sitting on my desk
for the last two months,

and it's two brothers arguing
about some little thing.

And I know exactly
what to say to the guy.

You know,
be the bigger person,

make the first move. But I...
(STUTTERING)

I can't answer it.

I mean, Popo,

you know,
she says she's listening.

She says she cares,

but you know, no matter
what I say, she is not
gonna change.

We're just gonna end up
hurting each other
all over again.

Life slips by, Eppie,
you said it yourself.

You're the first to encourage
people to try to get along.

Maybe I will
answer that letter,

send a message, so to speak.

"If your sibling isn't
able to make the first move,

"then be the bigger person

"and take the first step
towards reconciliation."

Cool down. I didn't see
your name in that column.

Oh, are you kidding?

It's got "Popo, Popo, Popo"
written all over it.

You're reading
between the lines.

It's my business to read
between the lines.

Bigger person,
my Aunt Fannie.

You know, it's just like
I've been saying,

and praying
that it wasn't true...

This is war.

REPORTER: We finally
caught up with this
angel of the battlefield

at one of the field hospitals
north of Saigon,

where she has insisted
on using the same sort
of transportation

that the army provides
to any normal GI.

(HELICOPTER RATTLING)

Now, for a few brief moments,

these soldiers,
nurses, and doctors
serving here in Vietnam

will be treated
to the same sort of
no-nonsense advice

they're used to
receiving back home
in their local papers.

Ann Landers,
famous for her

column on life and love,

has arrived in Vietnam.

Thank you.

So nice to meet you.

EPPIE: Thank you
for having me.

Hi, what's your name?

John.
EPPIE: John.

Nice to meet you, John.

How you doing, soldier?
I'm a huge fan.

Oh, thank you so much.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

Take care.

Well, soldier,
what's your name, hmm?

Corporal James T. Bale, ma'am.

I smell perfume.

I haven't smelled perfume
in a long time.

Well, be careful.
I could be dangerous.

Now, why don't you give me
your folks' number

so I can let them know
you're all right.

(CHEERING)

Eppie in Vietnam?

EPPIE: The heroism of these
young men tears at your heart.

It's up to each and every
American to let them know,

no matter what our politics,
that our thoughts
are with them

as we pray
for their safe return.

Miss Landers will soon
depart from Southeast Asia,

but the question
on everyone's mind,

from private to general,

is where does this lady
get her energy?

Got to hand it to her.

Hmm, not bad.

You know, I think we both
owe our boys something.

Hmm.

POPO: The response
has been overwhelming.
(APPLAUDING)

It all began
with this one letter.

Your holiday gifts
for our brave boys
and girls overseas

has made Operation Dear Abby

the proudest moment
of my life.

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
(APPLAUDING)

Thank you.

That's good.

That's very good.

BRUNETTE: Those letters
to all those GI's.
(HAIR DRYER RUNNING)

That Abby has such a heart.

But Ann right there
in Vietnam.

She is so brave.

She's such a fighter.

I mean, defending
abortion rights,
that's not easy.

But she's still old-fashioned
about marriage.

"Always put your
husband first.
Never let him get away."

(GIGGLING)

Do you think
they'll ever make up?

(SCOFFS) That would take
an act of God.

Eppie, His Holiness
wants to honor you

for upholding moral values
dear to the Church,

especially your stand
against divorce.

Well, I'm not going to win
any popularity contests

with that one,
Cardinal Ryan.

How many years has it been
since you first called me
for advice?

You've done a lot
of good for a lot of
people since then.

You've earned
this invitation.

I'm honored.

There's one more thing.

The Holy Father is also
a fan of your sister's.

He wants her
to be there, too.

Oh, really?

Well...
She'll be delighted.

I'm sure she will be.

The Vatican
is neutral territory.

(BELL RINGING)

(SIGHING)

Popo, I...

Your pin is crooked.

Here, let me
fix that collar.

(MORT CHUCKLING)
JULES: Bishop Monzari,
I'd like you to meet...

Abigail Van Buren.
Ann Landers.

We're so happy you've come.

This way, please.

You know, we all admire

the wonderful things
you've said over the years.

As long as you're here,

you might consider
joining the Church.

With all due respect,
Your Excellency,

the Pope will convert
to Judaism before
we become Catholics.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

How's it been
since you sold the company?

I hate it.

I'm too young
to be retired.

Budget Rent A Car
was your baby, Jules.

It's natural
to miss your own kid.

I don't know, Mort.

I'm restless.

Eppie's been so
caught up with the move

turning our apartment
into a palace.

I feel at loose ends.

(SIGHING)

Business still
enough for you?

Uh, Popo keeps me plenty busy.

Yeah, they should be
coming down.

Thank you so
very much, ladies.

His Holiness was
very pleased.

Oh, well, the honor
was all ours.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

I can't believe
you did that.

How should I know

the Pope's supposed
to leave the room first?

Uh, I wasn't trying
to be rude.

When you're done,
you're done.

When you're done.
It's always about you.

First in, first out.

What is your problem?
That I left the room first?

That I got
the invitation first?

That I started
my column first?

You are never gonna let me
forget that, are you?

There are other ways
to get famous.

And you just can't
stand that I am.

You are so selfish.

No, no, I am not.
I am fine.

(EXHALES)
Look, there is
nothing wrong

with a person wanting
something of her own.

It's normal.

Oh, maybe it is.
You just need it too much.

What do you know about it?

I know that I am
an individual.

And I also know
that I am not so
pathetically insecure

that I need to have
a nose job to prove it.

Okay, you have crossed
a line, Popo.

Oh, good.
I went first...
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

...for once.

(CARS HONKING)

When Ann Landers asked readers
to write to Congress

to support the National Cancer
Conquest bill,

so much mail poured
into this city

that secretaries posted

"impeach Ann Landers" banners
above their desks.
(LAUGHING)

SPEAKER: No stranger
to the halls of power,

Abigail Van Buren has lobbied

on behalf of countless health
and social issues.

On drug abuse and alcohol
recovery programs,

on the rights of abused women
and children...

...from Planned Parenthood
to the Equal Rights Amendment,

Special Olympics...

...the fight for racial
and sexual tolerance.

I present America's
number-one advice giver...

...Ann Landers.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

...Abigail Van Buren.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I'm sorry I have that
speaking engagement next week.

Maybe I can get to London for
a weekend later on this month.

I can't believe it's been
a year since I've been
to the flat.

Well, London's miserable
this time of year anyway.

Well, not with you.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

You expecting anyone?
Mmm-mmm.

(DOOR OPENING)

JULES: Margo, what a surprise.
We weren't expecting you.

(DOOR CLOSING)
MARGO: Where's Mom?

Yeah, she's
in the bedroom.

Are you all right?

No.

What is it?

My friend Sue
just got back
from London.

Everybody there knows.

What do you mean?

I mean, you have
a mistress, Dad.

Everyone knows
except Mom.

It's humiliating.
She's not a mistress.

Please don't insult me.
She's 25 years old.

She lives with you
in your apartment in London...
All right.

In yours and
Mom's apartment!
Not here.

Do you think people
don't talk?
Not here. Not yet.

I have fallen in love.

(SIGHS)
Don't tell me
you're in love.

I need you to understand.

It's important.

This isn't a fling.

I don't wanna
hurt your mom,

but I can't help feeling...

You know what, something?
I don't care.

You are humiliating Mom.

Either you tell her
or I will.

When I come back
from London.

The day you get back.

No longer.

Marijuana? He's only 15.

I know.

I found it in his pocket
while I was doing the wash.

What did you do?

What Ann advised,
I talked to him.

You know, I was so
mad at him,

I don't know how
I kept my cool.

You know, that Ann and Abby,

they've got an answer
for everything.

Honey, I love
your hair like that.

Did Dad get home
from London last night?

Oh, poor baby, he just
can't take those long flights

the way he used to.

I just made him
an early dinner

and he went right to bed.

Did he say anything?

I don't think the trip
went very well.

He's got some things in the
works, but nothing definite.

He bought me this.

What, you don't like it?

Mom, will you do
something for me?

Of course, baby.
What?

You've got to talk to Dad
about your marriage.

What about our marriage?
Just do it, Mom.

Please.

Hungry?

Oh, you didn't have to
do all of that.

Well, I can't
take all the credit.

Margo brought the
pastries by earlier.

What can I start
you out with?

Jules?

(SIGHING)

What's going on with you?
Margo says we need
to talk about our marriage.

Margo, sweet Margo.

True as her mom.

Honey, something
has happened...

Something you're
not gonna wanna hear.

I've fallen in love
with another woman.

I didn't plan on it.
I didn't go looking for it.

It just happened.

Now...

I...

I don't wanna hurt you.

Jules, I wanna
show you something.

(SNIFFLES)

Most women dream
of owning a coat like this
with their name inside.

EPPIE: You know what I
embroidered inside mine?

Here, look.
It's right there.

America knows me
as Ann Landers,

but I think of myself
as Eppie Lederer...

Jules' wife.

That's who I am.

(VOICE BREAKING)
Are you leaving me, Jules?

Tell me you haven't been
leaving me a little every day.

I never believed in divorce.

No.

No, Ann Landers
didn't believe in divorce.

Well, Jules and
Eppie Lederer

are gonna have to
figure something out.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(SOBBING)

(SNIFFLES)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

EPPIE: Hi, sissy?

Eppie?

Are you okay?

Yes.

No.

I don't know.

Jules is leaving me.

Oh, honey.
Oh, I, I am so sorry.

Okay, I'm on my way.

No, that's okay.
You don't have to...

Of course I do.
How could I not?

Oh, Popo.

Okay, um,
what can I bring?

Just you.
Just bring you.

POPO: You got him
three dozen pairs
of underwear?

Are you sure that's enough?

I found Jules
an apartment.

Near the water, of course.

This is a divorce.
It's more like you're
sending him off to college.

Hey, you take care
of a man for 37 years...

I mean, he wouldn't even know
to buy these things.

Sissy, what happened?

The other woman's
not the issue.

Jules is lost.

He's... Ever since
he sold his business,

he's been searching
and needs new conquests.

He couldn't find them
in the boardroom.

You fill in the rest.

That must've been
hard for him.

Very hard.

Well, with all your success,
he was probably jealous.

Or maybe he just got
tired of being called
Mr. Ann Landers.

(SIGHING)

I mean, I'm sure
it was no one's fault.

My column is not
at fault here.

Why did you come, huh?
To twist the knife in person?

Of course not.
Yeah, I wish
I could believe you.

Honey, I didn't
mean any harm.

Look, Popo, I'm sorry.

I think having company
was a bad idea.

I just...
I can't handle this.

Eppie...

(DOOR CLOSING)
(SIGHING)

EPPIE: This is the
hardest column
I've ever had to write.

For 20 years as Ann Landers,
I've come to think of you

as my friends
as well as my readers,

so the news
you're about to hear

should come directly from me.

Impossible as it seems to me,

Jules and I
are getting divorced.

Jules is a wonderful man.

He's always been kind,
caring, and considerate.

And that hasn't changed.

No one can take away
the magical years
we've had together.

A divorce is painfully ironic.

How something so good
could fail to last forever
is a cruel mystery.

And the lady
with all the answers

doesn't know the
answer to this one.

I'm asking my editors to allow
the rest of this space

to be left blank as a tribute
to a great marriage

that just didn't make it
all the way home.

(HAIR DRYER RUNNING)

BLOND: Did you see the one
about gun control?

BRUNETTE: (SCOFFS)
Sometimes I wonder
if there's a subject

they don't have
an opinion on.

Oh, you should've
seen my husband.

You'd think he was
Mr. Sharpshooter,
he was so angry.

(CHUCKLES)

I mean, we have a gun,
but for 20 years,

I've never seen him
take it out of the box.

You read him
the article?
Oh, I don't have to.

(CHUCKLES)
He reads them
every morning...

For 15 years now.

He thinks I don't notice.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Where have you been?

Do you still save
your Ann Landers?

A lot of them. Why?

Well, do you have
the one from last year,

you know,
the divorce one?

Oh, yeah. Why?

Well...

Oh, no.
Oh, honey.

(SOBBING)
Oh...

No...

(COMFORTING INDISTINCTLY)

I'm so sorry.

Good morning, dear.

Mort, I need you.

I've been sitting
on this invitation
for weeks.

It's my 40th
high school
class reunion.

Hmm.

And the committee
elected Eppie and me

to be the guests
of honor.

Oh, that's wonderful.
How's Eppie feeling
about this?

I don't know.
You know,
since the divorce...

I think she's having
a harder year

than she wants
me to know.

I think about them
all the time.

Got married together,
worked together,

practically lived
together.

Yeah, well,

you know, we've all been
working so hard.

So now you'll see her.

I don't know...
You've got to go.

What if she
doesn't wanna see me?

Well, at least pick up
the phone and find out.

I can't.
Why?

What is it about
this reunion?

Mort, they invited us.

Eppie and Popo, the twins.

I mean, that's what
they're expecting.

And I would just feel
like a fraud.

I mean, we haven't
been that in forever.

Sweetheart,

you've confused Ann and Abby
with Eppie and Popo
long enough.

What do you mean?

Don't get me wrong,
the columns are great.

They do a
great service, too.

It's just that you both got
so caught up in the zingers,

you forgot
how to be sisters.

(DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

So, what time is it?
Isn't it getting
a little late?

(SIGHS)
I can't decide
what to wear.

The blue dress,
definitely.

Isn't that a little flashy?

You're not in mourning.

Look, Mom,

I know this has been
a tough year for you,

but I think it
would be a shame
if you didn't go.

What makes you think
I'm not going?

You haven't
started packing.

I can't.

I know what's gonna happen.

We all know
what's gonna happen.

Maybe if you
talk to her.

No.
At least call her.

If I call her, she's just
gonna think I'm trying
to influence her,

one way or the other.

What is she going
to think if you
don't call her?

MARGO: Maybe she's going
through the exact same
thing you are right now.

(BOTH SIGHING)

Mom,

when I look
at those pictures
in those old albums,

I can't believe
how close you were.

We really were.

Life was just
so much simpler then.

You know, we were just
Eppie and Popo.

(SIGHING)
You know, whenever
I think of high school, I...

That's what I think of.

But now, whenever
we get together,

there's always
some problem,

and we just end up
hurting each other.

Mom, stop worrying
about what Aunt Popo
is going to do.

I know you've been
looking forward
to this reunion.

You're being honored.

Take a chance. Just go.

Let the chips fall
where they may.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

So, you think
I should go in?

You're asking
my advice?

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Is that her?

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

How are you doing?

Ann Landers,
eternal optimist.

And how's Eppie?

She's been better.

She misses her sister.

We have both lost
so much time.

Yeah, we can't go back.

No, I know,

but we can
start fresh.

From right now.

I'd like that.

Come on.

Popo, I have a
confession to make.

I keep your "Top 10
Reasons to Smile"
list over my desk.

No, really?

Oh, I read your
column first thing
every morning.

Really?

Well, second thing,
anyway.

(LAUGHING) Well,
I never miss
yours either, Ep.

I love your dress.
You know,
I almost bought it.

Oh, I almost didn't.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Okay, sis,
it's show time.
I'm ready.

EPPIE: Oh, thank goodness
they were wearing nametags.

I wouldn't have
recognized anyone.

POPO: We haven't changed
that much, have we?

Hmm... Just your hair.

(CHUCKLES)

My hair and your nose.

EPPIE: (LAUGHS)
Very funny.

Mmm. What a wonderful night.

My feet are sore.

POPO: Yeah, and cold, too.

I'm sorry.

You know, I haven't
danced like that
in years.

Well, sissy,
we've still got it.

Well, at least I have.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh...