Take Me to Tarzana (2021) - full transcript

- [PHONES RINGING]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hello, Teleplex Corporate headquarters.
- [SIGHS]

Morning, Jane.

Aren't we the early bird?

- Morning, Mr. Schmeltz. Thanks for noticing.
- Oh!

Early bird gets my worm.
[CHUCKLES]

- Excuse me?
- What?

Hey, where's that
competitive analysis

on those tampon thingies?



Huh? I mean,
a man can't be doing that.

It looks a little weird.

You'll have the report
in the next hour.

Okay, great.

You look great.

You look great.

Hey, listen.

My office door is always open
for you, okay?

Work hard, everybody!

Pig.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit. Miles,
do you have any napkins?

Miles, do you have any napkins?

Yeah. Yeah, um...



Here. [SNIFFS]

It's just coffee.
It'll come out.

It's not just coffee, it's...

[SIGHS]

You know, you don't
have to take that from him.

Right. And what will happen
if I plant to heel in his groin?

Any ideas on how to get
my monthly student loans paid?

- You can't even see the stain.
- It's okay.

Thanks for trying.

Gonna get back to work now.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

Right, I'm swimming!

Oh, shit. What the fuck is that?
[LAUGHING]

Enter!

She's got a nice ass.

- Morgan.
- Whoa!

Mr. Schmeltz. Remember,
there's an order around here.

- We can't all be minions.
- Uh...

This company doesn't make
two billion a year

without a hierarchy
to be maintained, right?

Mr. Schmeltz, here's the market
share report you requested.

All right,
let's see what we got.

This is the one
about the penis, hmm?

What are you doing?
You're being passive aggressive.

Sit down. Weirdo.

MORGAN: [SOFTLY] Okay.

This is...

This is embarrassing.

What the hell is this?

What did you do? I mean...

Did I ask for toilet paper?

- Sir?
- No, I asked for a data model

on our pharma client, Pharex.

So why did you give me something
for wiping my ass? Huh?

This shit isn't even
formatted properly.

I mean, can you comply
with company protocol, huh?

- It's trash.
- I, uh...

I mean, you might very well
be the worst data analyst

we've ever had at this company.

You're killing me, man.

What's wrong with your brain?
Are you a dickwad, Miles?

- It's just a rough draft.
- Buddy!

You give me final drafts.
Rough drafts?

I want smooth drafts, like...
Like a baby's ass drafts.

Now, let me be candid.

I wanna know who's popping
what pills and where.

Which antidepressants
is Ann Gertrude on,

and what can we get her
hooked on next?

Which boomer pills
are selling like M&M's?

Which cheer captain
is about to go off the pill

and get preggers, right?

I mean,
you take this pile of shit

and you flush it down the toilet

with the rest of the shit
in the world.

I want a new pile of shit
on my desk in the morning.

Do you got that?
And what do I want it to be?

[SOFTLY] A final draft. Okay?

Thanks for
the constructive criticism.

Man, I didn't become boss
by jerking people off, right?

I leave th... Sit down!

[MORGAN EXHALES]

I leave that shit
to the interns.

I jerked myself off. You got me?

Get out of here.

Man, you got the personality
of a stale cracker.

Miles!

You grew up in a barn, son, huh?

- Shut the effing door, now.
- [GAME SOUNDS]

[MORGAN LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

I'm the guy in the room!

MAN: Okay, all, today's scrum
is now in session.

Let's talk risks,
roadblocks and deadlines.

Jane, what were you
working on yesterday?

What are you doing today?

Well, I'm still working on
that data analysis for Pharex.

Liners versus tampons,
average length of use,

scented versus unscented.
Same blood, different day.

Thank you, Jane.
Any risk or roadblocks?

The time wasted here
at the daily scrum

is my only roadblock.

All right, then.

Miles. How about you?

What were you
working on yesterday?

- What are you working on today?
- [EXHALES]

I have got that
predictive modeling report

on Pharex for Schmeltz,

but he just called me a dickwad
and threw it in the trash.

It sounds like
a parking lot conversation.

Do not need
that liability here.

Any other risks or roadblocks?

- [SIGHS]
- Okay, then.

Mordecai, what were you
working on yesterday?

- What are you working on today?
- I'm running a full CBA

on the market viability
of our Robot Space Army.

[SNICKERS]

What? What's so funny?
This is serious stuff.

It is serious. They're not
human, and they could turn on us.

What do you think
NASA stands for?

Not A Space Army.

- Thank you, Mordecai.
- [SNICKERS]

He said the death star
wasn't possible. It happened.

Out of the way, loser!
Fuck you!

[BICYCLE BELL DINGING]

[SOFTLY] Fuck!

At least it will cool you off.

- Come on, Summer.
- [MEOWS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Can you stop, please? God!

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

[BEEPS]

[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING]

- Miles, my man!
- Hey, Javi.

How's your day
going so far, man?

Uh, could have been better.

Yeah, man,
I hear you on that front.

Dude, you know, [CHUCKLES]

you really shouldn't be
buying this stuff.

I mean, legally, they can't even
label this crap cheese.

Price is right.

Well, the price
is always right here, huh?

Hey, so you getting any pussy?

Uh, no. Not... Not really, man.

Really, dude,
'cause you know I am, man.

'Cause I keep it hot.
[MIMICS SIZZLING]

Ow! [CHUCKLES]

Sounds dehydrating.

Nah, dude,
I drink lots of water.

You know what I mean, huh?

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Hello, Miles.

Hey, Juanita.

What are you talking
about, Javier?

Nothing, Mama, we're just having
some friendly guy conversation.

- Oh, really? Friendly guy, huh?
- Yeah.

It sounds like
a loser conversation to me.

- Oh, here we go.
- Por favor, Miles,

don't act like him

because you're gonna end up
like my...

My God. I mean, you wouldn't
want that, would you?

I mean, would you like to have
your mama as your boss?

Forever and ever?

I'd really just like to get
these things and get out of here.

Mama, go away.
Miles doesn't wanna hear this.

Yes, he would like to hear this.

You know, you haven't been on a date
for, like, over a year.

[BOTH ARGUING IN SPANISH]

- Please go.
- Oh, fuck. Shut up.

Yeah. Hey, what do you say
we go out tonight, Miles?

Grab a drink.

Mack on the ladies.
What do you say?

Uh, look, man, I wish I could,

but I just got... I got a lot of
work to do, so I will finish off.

Okay. Okay. Hey, hey,

let me know if you change
your mind though, huh?

I'll be your wingman.

- [LAUGHS]
- Thank you, man.

Mama, why do you got to
embarrass me like that

- in front of Miles?
- [BEEPING]

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

Hey, Dizzy.

You have a good day?

Anything good happened
while I was gone?

- [GROWLS]
- [MIMICS GROWLING]

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES]

JAMESON: Knock, knock.

What's up, bro?

- Catch.
- [SIGHS]

Great catch.

Do you ever think about how
fucked up the world is?

Like, actually how
fucked up it is?

Yeah, look, Jameson, this isn't
a good time. I gotta do work.

Do you know that people
get Ebola from eating bats?

Like, they eat bats
and they get Ebola.

Like, how fucked up is that?

Well, I don't know what news
you're reading,

but this really is not
a good time.

I gotta get a lot of work done,
otherwise I'm gonna lose my job.

Job? How can you think about
a job at a time like this

when there is so much fucked up
shit going on in the world?

I can think about jobs right now

- because I actually need one to survive.
- [PLAYING MUSIC]

I don't have a trust fund
to fall back on, unlike you.

You mean my artistic stipend
for the novel I'm writing

about the golden age
of break dancing?

It's not a stipend if your parents
give you money for doing nothing.

I'm not doing nothing.

I'm working out the novel
in my head.

I... I'm finding the scene.

I'm exploring the original
b-boys, you know.

It's 1972, and I'm living
in the Bronx.

You know, I gotta have
my schedule free,

so that way I can get
in the right headspace.

You always gotta be in the right
headspace, you know.

The novel actually writes
itself through you.

Like, it actually comes up
through you.

It is out the fingers.

That is, quite literally the most
absurd thing I've ever heard.

It's 2019.
You're not from New York.

And what do you know
about break dancing?

What do you know
about break dancing?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- Wow!
- Exactly. See?

The point is, I'm actually
doing something in my life.

What are you doing?
What are you working on

that's so important, huh?

It's a... It's a data market
thing for a drug company.

Oh, a drug company.

Nice, man.

Mr. High and Mighty [CHUCKLES]
is over there working on

slicing the data for
the evil drug corporation.

Fan... Fantastic, man!

Bravo.

I'm not happy to be doing it.
It's just a job.

You gotta get out
of your funk, bro.

You used to be so much fun.

Now look at you. You're...

You're eating fucking
bologna sandwiches,

working on data analysis
for drug companies.

Bologna sandwiches, man.

Do you know what
these are made of? Do you?

They're made of
lips and assholes.

This is the lip in the asshole
of the animal that...

Lips and assholes.
That's what they are.

[SIGHS] Yeah, well, I need
to keep my shitty job

so I can continue eating
these shitty bologna sandwiches.

And if I play my cards right,
maybe I'll even be able

to afford a shitty car payment.

I mean, how do you not have
a car in LA, bro?

It's like... Fuck.

[SIGHS] Man, no offense...

But you're like
one step above homeless.

- Mmm.
- [DIZZY WHINES]

[LAUGHS] You have
a fucking awful life.

It is shitty. And it is my life.
Thank you for reminding me.

Now, please leave and leave me
to my own private misery.

Okay.

I'm sorry, man. I... I'll go.

I was just, uh...
I was just trying to help.

Thank you.

Good luck with the drug company.

Thank you.

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

- No, Jamie.
- No? Okay. All right, buddy.

Sometimes you will. All right.

Take the beer.

Oh, I will take that beer...

[CAN HISSES]

And I will see you later.

- Buenas nachos.
- Yeah.

[OPENING AND CLOSING DOOR]

MILES: Immediate termination?

Yes, fucking please.

[SIGHS]

[DIZZY PANTING]

[HONKING, CAR ALARM BLARING
IN DISTANCE]

Dizzy, Dizzy. [SHUSHES]

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Fuck, shit!

You're late.

I was up all night working.

Schmeltz is looking for you.
He looks pissed.

More than usual.

Perfect.

[SIGHS]

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Then...

- What?
- I am so sorry I'm late.

- Enter. What? What?
- So sorry I'm late.

Dude, close the door.
What are you doing?

Just sit down
and shut the fuck up.

God damn it! Pick that shit up.

Ears open. Mouth shut.
This is a fox.

Time's my watch say?

9:19, sir.

Time we start work here
at Teleplex?

9:00, sir.

That's unacceptable, man.

Morgan, we need to talk.

What, Eileen, I'm in the middle
of the fuck...

- We need to talk right now.
- What? Uh...

Okay.

What is it, Eileen?

No, not in here.
Not in front of, whatever his face is.

- Miles.
- [BOTH] Shut up!

- Morgan, [CLAPPING] chop chop.
- Okay. Okay.

Stay here, right?

With him.

Yeah, sit tight.

You can't keep doing that to me.
I'm the boss.

- EILEEN: It's important.
- I'm in charge of shit.

EILEEN: [FADING]
In charge of what?

[BEEPING]

Fuck!

Jane?

[BEEPING]

Holy shit!

You sick bastard.

EILEEN: Pull up your big-boy
pants and make a choice.

- What do you want?
- MORGAN: I don't know.

Just fucking pick it.
I don't care.

- Pick what?
- Just... [SIGHS]

[EILEEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

What are you doing here?

Sir?

Get out of here, now.

- What about the pharma report?
- Well, I don't know.

What do I look like,
your fucking brain?

Close the door, barn boy.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

- [QUIETLY] Come with me.
- I'm working.

- Take a break.
- I'm busy.

[SOFTLY]
You're wearing pink underwear

with little white polka dots.

The fuck did you just say to me?

Come talk to me outside.

No way, you creep.

Schmeltz has a hidden camera
under your desk.

Meet me in the parking lot
in five.

Okay.

- Hi.
- Follow me.

Okay.

JANE: What the fuck!

So that asshole has
a hidden camera of me?

They're all around the office.

He has spy cams of you, Eileen
and Sarah on his computer.

Unbelievable!

He even has a camera
in the bathroom.

Oh, my God!

I'm gonna throw up.

We should call the police.

So those videos can end up
on YouTube for all to see,

and I get to be some
sad news story

that everyone laughs about?

[STUTTERING] I'm sure the police
would be discreet about...

There's no way.

We get raked through the coals
as the Teleplex office whores

and then Schmeltz will get off

with a slap on the wrist
and some probation.

Men like him always get off.

I mean, what he's doing
is wildly illegal.

Do you think that stops
bastards like him?

I mean, have you been
living under a rock?

I say,
screw the judicial bullshit.

Yeah, he needs to pay. Now.

I really think we should let the
proper authorities handle this.

Quit being such a dickwad
and stand up for once, Miles.

[CHUCKLES] Okay.
So what did you have in mind?

I just want that sleazeball
to pay.

Yeah. Um...

[INHALES] Well, I guess
I've done my bit here,

so I'm gonna...

Wait, Miles.
Promise you won't tell anyone?

Yeah, I promise.

- You coming?
- I need a second.

- I'll see you inside.
- Okay.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

You missed the scrum.

[SOFTLY] What?

Something came up, Gordy.

You know, we're deep
in the sprint right now.

We gotta spike up, or we're gonna
miss our delivery date on Pharex.

I'll be at
tomorrow's scrum, okay?

As certified scrum master,

I must hold
my fellow members accountable.

Look, Gordy, I... I appreciate
what you're trying to do here.

I do.

But I don't need a daily scrum
or burn down chart,

or a scrotum master telling me
what to do every day.

I just want to do my job
and be left alone.

It's scrum master, Miles,

and you're being
a real scrumbag right now.

- [SIGHS]
- Make the meetings,

or I'm gonna have to mark you
as an impediment.

Do what you gotta do.

Study that schedule.

I won't let you
miss our deadline.

Oh, and if I'm
a scrotum master,

you're my ball boy. [CHUCKLES]

JAMESON: Dhanyawada.

- I pray to the God of the elephant king.
- [INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Dhanyawada.

Deliver us
from our temptations.

Dhanyawada.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- I pray to Brene Brown...

Dhanyawada.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Deliver me from my evil.
Dhanyawada...

- Dhanyawada...
- [KNOCKING CONTINUES]

God damn it!

[YELLING] Who the fuck is it?

I'm just trying to do fucking
yoga so I can relax

and you're banging
on the goddamn door!

- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- Uh, is this a bad time?

Hey, buddy, what's up?
Come on in.

No, I was just doing some yoga,
drinking some whiskey,

getting myself
in the right mind space

so that way I could work
on my novel.

Right. Uh, do you have
anything to drink?

[CHUCKLES]

Do I have anything to drink?

[SIGHS WEARILY]

- Here.
- Thank you.

- [EXHALES]
- Namaste, fucker.

Thank you.

Ah! [BURPS]
So what's up?

Ah, I just had
a weird day at work.

- Copier break again?
- No.

Oh, did the bum at the bus stop

- punch you in the face again?
- No.

Ooh, did the...
Did the guy that pees in his hand

do the thing where he pees
and he throws it at you?

You know what, man? Forget it.

Don't be so sensitive.
I'm just fucking with you.

Relax. God!
What's up?

Promise to keep your trap shut?

Yeah.

- Promise?
- Mmm-hmm.

So, today, when I was
in my boss' office,

I discovered that he's been
spying on the women at work.

Isn't that what you do?

- You guys spy on people.
- Not like this.

I'm talking like hidden cameras
around the office.

- Ooh.
- Yeah.

- You remember Jane?
- Yeah.

Well, he's even got one
hidden under her desk.

You... You saw it?

Yeah. I mean,
it was an accident.

Uh-huh. Sure, buddy.
Accident. Okay.

Man, that is some sick shit.

Your boss is fucked up.

Yeah. So...
Now I don't know what to do.

Dude, you have found
Smaug's weak scale.

Now it's time to let that
black arrow fly.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

One, that's ridiculous.

Two, stop making analogies
to The Hobbit.

Uh, you've worked for
that company for years, man.

- Years, and you barely make enough money to...
- [SIGHS]

pay for this shitty apartment.

Me? I choose to live
in a place like this,

but for you,
it's just desperate.

[COUGHS] Would you stop fucking
with me for one second, please?

[SIGHS] All right.

One... One more.

Well, tell you what,
I'm gonna help you out.

All right?
I'm gonna help you out,

but... [SIGHS]
I want half the money.

Money?
You're talking blackmail.

[CHUCKLES] I'm not going to jail
for blackmail.

As someone who audited
a pre-law class

at Saddleback Community College,

you only go to jail
if you get caught.

Thank you for the expert
legal advice.

You're welcome.

- [PHONE VIBRATING]
- Oh.

Shit.

It's Jane.

Uh, she wants to meet
at Crazy Harry's.

Dude, it is on!

Yes, we are gonna do.

Does she have any hot friends?

Really think you're missing
the gravity of this situation.

Uh, but I need a ride.

- Can you drive?
- [CHUCKLES]

Sober as a fox, bro.

- Really?
- Let's go.

Well, would you put some
clothes on, please?

Absolutely.

Let me just say goodnight
to my candles.

Holy shit.

Dhanyawada, Britney.

Dhanyawada, Arianna.

Dhanyawada, Brene.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Bro, I love this jam.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Jame-O, drive, please.
Two hands.

Bro, stop being
such a stick-in-the-mud.

You gotta live a little.

- Hands on the wheel.
- [TIRES SCREECHING]

What's the big deal?

Ten and two.

[EXCLAIMING]

- Hands, hands, Jame-O.
- Whoo!

- [TIRES SCREECHING]
- What? Jame-O!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

I don't see Jane.

Let's have a drink.

Guys, what can I do you for?

Uh, I'll take a Day Beer.

Same here.

Day Beer.

[SIGHS]

[SOFTLY] Man, hipsters.

Excuse me?

I said, that will be $10.

Oh, uh, I don't...

Ooh, I'm sorry, man. I don't
have any extra money for a tip.

Of course you don't.

I'm sorry, man. Honest mistake.

Fucking grandpa.

Ah!

This place is dope.

MILES: Yeah,
if you're into that.

Jane's here, I'm gonna go
talk to her.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't know.
Just give me a minute.

And you don't know anything
about anything.

- Fine.
- Thank you.

- Hey, Jane.
- I need a drink, stat.

Uh, is everything okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I have a 100 grand
in student loans,

a terrible job and a boss
who films upskirts of me.

My life is total shit.

I know what you mean.

I sometimes think my dog
has a better life than I do.

I've worked my ass off
my entire life.

I took all the right classes.

I aced all the tests.

I finished my MBA
from Wharton with honors.

Where did I go wrong?

You didn't. It's just a
different world now, I guess.

To top it all off,
I'm another Me Too.

Do you know how that feels?

We need to take Schmeltz
and Teleplex down.

That entire place is corrupt.

Someone has to put an end to it.

Fire ball! [SCATTING]

- Fuck!
- Hey!

And who the fuck are you?

Uh, this is Jameson.

I think you guys met at
a company mixer a while back.

Heard you were having
a rough day, Jane.

Nothing like a little whiskey
can't fix. Am I right?

Wait. You told him?

I am so sorry.

Look, I just needed
to tell somebody, and...

I'm sorry.

JAMESON: Look, I'm not the one
you need to be worried about.

We can take down those
bastards together.

What do you mean,
"We can take them down?"

I'm one of the good guys, Jane.

I am here to help.

I have come up
with a master plan.

Hold on.

Watch this.

Ah!

Wonderful. Are you supposed
to be a newsie or something?

Pleasure to meet you.
My name is Jack Brewer

from the Day Beer Brewing
Company, you see.

Jack, the brewer?

JAMESON: We want to spend
loads of money.

Loads of money on stupid,
stupid, stupid beer ads.

Will you help us find
our target market?

Is your friend delusional?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

He might be onto something here.

Can you organize
a sit-down with Schmeltz?

Tell him you have
a client meeting

with strong revenue implications
or something.

I can try, but he's not gonna buy
that this guy is a big account rep.

I mean, look at him.

I beg your pardon, missy?

He chooses to look this way,
but he can clean up all right.

Okay.
So what is your plan?

While you two are meeting
with Schmeltz,

I'm gonna sneak into his office

and download the files
off his computer.

And how do you plan to break
into his computer?

Well, you guys just need to keep
him distracted long enough

so I can figure that out.

Okay, Edward Snowden. [CHUCKLES]

Let's see how your buddy
handles himself.

He doesn't strike me as capable.

Oh, I'm capable.

I'm capable as fuck, yo.

We can do this.

If we get caught,
we're screwed.

Yeah.

You know what?

I don't care anymore.

We've been getting fucked
for far too long.

- It's time to fuck back.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Yeah!
- All right.

- Yeah.
- Let's fuck back.

To fucking back.

JAMESON: To fucking back.

♪ We could chop down
Babylon's walls...

[DISTORTED] I love this guy.

♪ Choose righteousness

♪ We could chop down
Babylon's walls

♪ Shift consciousness, yeah

♪ We could chop down
Babylon's walls

♪ Shift consciousness
Choose righteousness

♪ We could chop down
Babylon's walls

♪ Shift consciousness ♪

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

- You're late.
- [SHUSHES]

[CHIMING]

[CHIMING]

"Your number one problem?"

- Mr. Schmeltz...
- Mr. Schmaltz. Good day, sir.

It's Schmeltz.

Schmeltz, Schmaltz.
Tornado tostada.

Does any of it really matter?

Mr. Schmeltz,
this is Jack Brewer,

the vice president of sales
and marketing at Day Beer.

Quite an impressive title for
such a young eccentric.

Thank you. I started at
Day Beer when I was 12 years old

and I worked my way to the top.

I am living proof that
child labor is fantastic.

JANE: Sir, please, if I may.

Uh, Mr. Brewer wishes to invest
in some market research.

Day Beer is looking to make some big
moves with its upcoming beer lineup.

Mmm-hmm.

[CHIMING]

[SOFTLY]
What kind of password...

- [KNOCK ON GLASS]
- Morgan, Eileen.

I need you to open the door,
right now.

You better not be in there
with Sarah.

If you are, Morgan,
hear me right now,

I will find out.
I will know. [GRUNTS]

Come on. [GROANS]

Yikes!

[EXHALES]

[BEEPS AND CHIMES]

[CHUCKLES] Schmeltzy.

So I'm a bit pressed for time,

so let's just cut right to it.

How this usually
goes down is, uh,

we determine what you guys
are willing to spend,

and then we discuss
data packaging

and marketing plans,
and then your budget...

I'm prepared to offer
$100 million.

[BOTH EXCLAIMING] What?

That's right. You heard me.

$100 million.

See, I could take
my business anywhere.

But Jane said that your company
can do things that others can't.

And at Day Beer,
we don't just think outside the box.

We think... outside the can.

Hmm?

Corporate data for sale?

What?

[CLICKING]

They're selling our identities
to the Russians?

What the fuck!

JAMESON: If I finish
this beer before you,

I'm taking
my business elsewhere.

How long were these
in your suitcase?

Time is irrelevant.

- Cheers, Schmaltzy.
- Yeah.

Look, before we can mine data
on your customers... Okay.

We must first mine data
on our clients. Right, Jane?

You see, Jack,
I can pretty much

learn anything I want
about anyone.

So let's see what there is
to learn about you.

Jack Brewer.

Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.

Come on, damn it.

Low target value?

"No likely girlfriend?"

Fuck you.

[CLICKING]

Oh, Jane's divorced.

Huh.

MORGAN: Jack Brewer.

- [CHIMING]
- Nothing.

- [CHIMING]
- Nothing.

- [CHIMING]
- Nothing.

Nothing.

- [CHIMING]
- Nada.

Nada.

- [CHIMING]
- MORGAN: Nothing.

- [CHIMING]
- Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

- [CHIMING]
- Nada, nada, nada.

So, uh, Jane,
this meeting's over.

All right?

Just some insecurity
on the imposter thing.

Hey, thank you so much, Jack.
It was so nice meeting you.

Great meeting, sir.
Thank you very much.

- Course. Enjoy prison.
- Thank you.

MORGAN: Mmm-hmm.

Go get the car, Jameson.

Come on, come on, come on.

- [TRILLING]
- Yes!

Sir. Sir, I apologize for that.

You let some cut-rate grifter
on the campus

without proper vetting.

Do you have any idea

how many company policies
you just violated?

Security!
The breach is right there.

Drag his ass to the curb
right now, please. Thank you.

Hey, what are you...
What are you do... Hey!

I thought he'd be
a potential client.

- I didn't realize that...
- I know you didn't realize

'cause you're an imbecile,
and now you're fired.

- What?
- You heard me.

Put your shit in a box
and go, go, go.

You got me?

You wanna do this with
just a tiny bit of dignity,

or do you need to have your ass
dragged to the curb, too?

Guys, come on!

Hey, can I at least
get my parking validated?

Sir, please, I...

- I need this job.
- Oh.

You're just like
all the other women.

[CHUCKLES] Just a big pain
in my ass.

Except they put out.

- Back up!
- Holy shit!

- You disgusting animal!
- Eileen, honey,

she's just being emotional because...
Because I just fired her sorry ass.

You are such a sleazeball!

[YELLING] How am I a sleazeball?
You're fired!

- Get the fuck out of here now!
- No!

- I quit!
- You can't quit!

I just fired you! That's not
how this works...

- You don't get the pleasure of firing me!
- Oh, my God!

I can't believe I'm playing this
fucking game like a four-year-old!

Did you get it?

Yeah. Uh, it's even worse
than what we thought.

How did it go with Schmeltz?

We've got a problem there.
He didn't buy it.

And then he fired me.

Shit! He fired you?

Yep. No more job for Jane.

Let's hope we didn't just
completely blow up our lives.

It'll be okay. We've got
everything you need.

Here.

- You look ridiculous.
- Got the job done.

- Barely.
- Got the job done.

- And got me fired.
- You're welcome.

Yeah, well,
everything we need is on that drive.

Good job, Miles.

Meet us back at Jameson's
place when you're up for it.

- Yeah.
- My car's parked in the back.

Okay.

[ENGINE STARTS]

As they say in Mexico,
vaya con Dios!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Miles.

Hey, Gordy, I've got
that report ready.

I was just about to circulate it
with the team.

Can we talk?

Look, I know this
is about the scrum.

I'm sorry I missed it again.

I've just been really
busy with work,

and Schmeltz is riding
my ass on everything.

- It's not that.
- Uh, okay.

Come to my office.

[SOFTLY] Fuck.

So, what's up?

Miles, do you know that I've
worked at the company for 16 years?

Uh, wow. No, man. That's, uh...
That's a long time.

Yeah, going on 17
next month.

Impressive. Congrats.

The founder, Liev Giorgio,
recruited me personally.

We had lofty ideas that

data could be used
to make a difference.

We were gonna help people.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Streamline inefficiencies
and better connect the world.

Uh, what are we talking
about here, Gordy?

I know what you and Jane are up
to, and I can help.

I know how this
company operates.

No loyalty. I know every
dirty and dark detail.

If you and I
help each other,

we can maybe put
a stop to their antics.

If you've known about this
the whole time,

then why are you just
telling me about it now?

I should have done
something long ago,

but I guess I hoped that Liev
wouldn't take it this far.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

You... You think
I'm a corporate lapdog,

but I still believe
that privacy matters.

I want you to come to my place
tonight with Jane,

and I'll give you
everything I've got.

This is my address.

- Meet me there at 9:00.
- [SIGHS HEAVILY]

Okay. Uh, I should
get back to work.

Yes, you should.

Okay, Miles, really counting
on that analysis.

And remember, if there
are any roadblocks,

we need to, uh, put that
into the delay of the sprint.

[INDISTINCT SECURITY
RADIO CHATTER]

ASAP, we need
to do that ASAP.

But... Denise!

Ah! [CHUCKLES]

Miles. I am here to inform you
that Jane has been terminated.

Terminated?

Yes. She will no longer
be working here at Teleplex.

I know this must
be unsettling,

but let me assure you there will be
no further terminations at this time.

Oh! Jane worked hard
for this company.

Oh, you two must
have been close.

Don't worry. We'll still
have fun here at Teleplex.

Next week, we've got the
Monday mixer with milkshakes.

This place makes me want to
jump off a bridge. A tall one.

I know you're upset.
It's always hard losing a cube-mate.

Perhaps you'd like to continue
this discussion down at HR?

No, thanks.

I'm just gonna
get back to work.

Don't forget,
we are here to help, Miles.

Teleplex is invested in
the well being of its team.

We are always here for you.

Your eyes don't move.

Okay, that should
be the last of it.

Just gotta re-format the
computer and we'll be all set.

Bring her belongings
to my office for sanitization.

Well, that's that.

Goodbye, Miles.
Please feel free to visit any time.

What the fuck?

MORGAN: Fuckin' hate
around this corner every time...

- [YELLING] Yes! Yeah!
- [GAME SOUNDS]

Die, fucker! Die!

Oh, God! Jesus!

Today's scrum is
now in session. Let's talk

risks, roadblocks
and deadlines.

Jane. What, uh...

What do you got going on yesterday?
What do you got going on today?

MORGAN: It's just
a little something...

So you can always have my heart
close to your middle finger.

Schmeltzy, you
meltzy my heart.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

[MOANING]

[EXHALES]

[CHUCKLES]

Underwear.
Underwear.

[SIGHS]

What are you doing?

Hit rewind.

What the f...

Hey. Yeah, we got
ourselves a little problem.

Jameson and I have been
going through the files.

This is some serious shit.

Yeah, some of it
looks pretty intense.

It's not just
upskirts on there.

Teleplex has been
collecting information

and personal data of every
asshole that's unlucky enough

- to be targeted by Opar.
- Opar!

Like that lost city in Tarzan.

I don't know, J-Mo.
That's... That's not the point.

We're talking
500 million people

who have had their identity
stolen, maybe more.

I mean, this makes Facebook's
data breach look like a tea party.

They got files on us and
the rest of Teleplex in here.

They've even got
my DNA profile.

Salaries,
Social Security numbers,

dad's browsing histories,
shopping habits.

I mean, they even have something
called a kink factor scale.

Jameson's a 10.

Wait, is that good or bad?

I have no idea.
But I do know

that they're compiling
our identities

to sell them to foreign
governments like Russia and China.

Targeted data for clients.
It's a commodity.

You have enough information on people,
you can predict their behavior.

It's all about statistics
and probabilities.

Giorgio probably knows us
better than we know ourselves.

JANE: But Teleplex hasn't
disclosed any of this.

And they're not gonna let
this discovery go lightly.

No, but they don't know
what we know yet.

Maybe not. [CHUCKLES] I mean, I'm sure
they're monitoring all data traffic.

You guys work for a seriously
fucked up corporation.

Worked.

No. He still works for them.

- MILES: J-Mo.
- So now what?

Tomorrow I go in there and I tell
Schmeltz that we've got the goods,

and we're not afraid
to blow the whistle.

And what does that mean?

- It means we threaten to sue or settle.
- Settle. Court sucks.

Teleplex Corporate won't
want this shit out.

Oh, and Gordy said he has
some more dirt for us.

- Gordy?
- Mmm-hmm.

No way, okay?

He's a corporate borg.
He's not gonna help us.

He claims he wants out.

Is that a smiley face?

Yeah. No, I don't
trust this guy.

I think we should
hear him out.

He said to meet
at his place at 9:00.

Okay, fine.

Ooh, a secret rendezvous
in the cover of darkness.

That's hot.

You want??

Well, it doesn't look
like anyone's home.

Well, we won't know
until we go check it out.

- Jameson, you're staying in the car.
- What?

Someone has to stay in the car
and keep an eye out for us.

Lookout? I have to be lookout?
Lookout sucks.

Just text us if you see anything
weird or suspicious, okay?

- Lame.
- JANE: Thanks, Jameson.

We doing this?

I guess so.

Okay.

- Told you.
- Just let me try again.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, this was
a waste of time.

- Gordy!
- Ah! Let's not break into Gordy's house.

I think we've done enough
snooping for one day.

The door is open.

Come on. Gordy!

Is anyone home?

[SINISTER INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

Gordy?

[WHISTLES]

Wow! This is just creepy.

Gordy?

Gordy.

- Oh, sh...
- What is it?

JANE: Oh, f...

- [GASPS] Fuck! He's dead!
- [MILES GROANS]

Oh, God! He's dead!

Oh, God, he's dead.

Uh...

"I couldn't pretend any longer.
Goodbye, cruel world. Love, Gordy."

This isn't
Gordy's handwriting.

Oh, so you're
Sherlock Holmes now?

You know, I've always
been partial to Watson.

- [ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [VOCALIZING]

They killed him, Miles.

Teleplex killed Gordy.

We don't know
that for sure.

Of course we do.
Don't be ridiculous.

Oh. Oh, my!

Gordy! [LAUGHS]

[SIRENS APPROACHING]

- Is that...
- Yeah, a dildo!

No! The police, you idiot.
Let's go!

Shit! [GROANS]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoa! What the fuck!

- Do you hear something?
- [MUSIC STOPS]

- Is that the po-po?
- That's just stellar work, Jameson.

Fuck!

JAMESON: What,
you guys did a shitty job.

You're such a fucking child!

- Are you for real?
- Yeah, you know what?

It's because of dudes like you
that our generation gets a bad rep.

When old man Burns is complaining
about the lazy, worthless millennial

down the street
who can't hold a job,

he's bitching about
dudes like you.

Oh, fuck you, Miles!

Quit acting like you're God's
gift to the goddamn world.

You think you're so much
better than everyone else

just because you have a shitty job in a shitty
company that's making the world shittier.

Well, congratu-fucking-lations,
bro. You are a real rock star.

Your mom must be so proud.

Ow! Ow! Not the bun!

Get off the bun! Ow!

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- JANE: Stop!

Both of you need to get
our shit together right now!

Miles, do I need to remind you that
we just found our dead coworker?

- Wait, you have a dead coworker?
- Yes!

Gordy's dead,
probably for talking to us.

Technically speaking, we don't know it's
because he talked to us or someone else.

Or maybe he did
just kill himself.

- He's actually dead?
- JANE: Yes.

Body dead. No more Gordy.

And you didn't call the cops?

J-Mo, they just showed up!

We've been set up!

- Nope, that's it. I am out.
- What?

Dude, I am done.
This mission is FUBAR.

When people start dying,
it is time to cut your losses and move on.

JANE: Jameson, stop.

MILES: That's right.
Quitting as usual.

JANE: Miles, shut it.
Jameson, we've got to stick together.

J-Mo, get in the car.

You know I hate that name!

Jeez, okay.
Look, I'm sorry, okay?

- What are you sorry for?
- Jesus Christ, J-Mo! Get in the fucking car!

[GRUNTS]

I just... I need to go and
cool down right now, all right?

I just need some space.

- Just let me go.
- J... [GROANS]

Fuck!

[SIGHS]

Should we be
worried about him?

He'll be fine.

He usually just
cools off at the arcade.

Wow, he truly is a man-child.

Who has roll-up
windows anymore?

JANE: God, are you
kidding me?

[SOBBING]

Hey, hey, hey!
I was just joking about the car.

What have we got ourselves into?
This is a total disaster.

Yeah. [STUTTERS]
We'll figure it out.

Do you like grilled
cheese sandwiches?

- Sandwiches are ready.
- Just a sec.

[EXHALES]

[GRUNTING]

Come on! Come on! Come on!

[YELLING] Yes! Yes!

Boom! Eat that, bro!

- Yeah, go to your mommy.
- Let's go.

Why don't you have her change your
diaper while you're at it, loser?

You, uh... Are you
feeling better?

Grilled cheese sandwiches always
remind me of being a kid. [CHUCKLES]

There's something so simple
and pure about them.

Is this your mom's
special recipe?

Uh, my dad's, actually.

My mom died when I was little.
So Pops did most of the cooking.

- I'm sorry.
- No, it's fine.

It was a long time ago.

Aren't you a little old
to be hanging out here?

Nope. $5 in tokens, please.

Good luck.

Thank you kindly... Vanessa.

May the odds be
ever in your favor.

[WHISTLING]

- MILES: Dizzy?
- Dizzy as in Dizzy Gillespie?

What, you know his music?

Of course. I love Dizzy.

- Do you play?
- Yeah, I don't, uh...

I don't play much anymore.

Um, Teleplex got the better
of my jazz career.

How about you?

Alto sax.

Charlie Parker was my hero
in high school band. [CHUCKLES]

You know, if we put Jameson
on the drum kit,

we'd have ourselves a pretty
hip jazz trio. [SNICKERS]

- [CHUCKLES] More like a hipster jazz trio.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah, it's a shame he only
plays video games, though.

Shit, we're emptying.

[FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

[MACHINE BEEPING AND BUZZING]

- [GRUNTS, PANTS]
- [MACHINE POWERS DOWN]

VANESSA: Whoa, maniac!

Are you sure you
can handle that?

Why don't you step
in the zone and find out?

All right.

Let's do it.

- Loser buys drinks.
- Deal.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[JAMESON GRUNTS]

[MACHINE BEEPING AND BUZZING]

- [MACHINE STOPS]
- [WHOOPS]

[LAUGHS] Beat you!

That was embarrassing.

Did I tell you
I'm a ballet bar instructor

when I'm not serving pizza and scraping
kids' vomit off Skee-Ball lanes?

I love Swan Lake.

You're looking at Von Rothbart.

Oh, is that right,
Baryshnikov?

I'm actually just about
to finish up here,

if you want to grab
a drink around the corner.

As long as there's
karaoke to serenade us.

[SINGING BADLY]

What? What...
What are you doing?

How many times
have I told you?

Look. I mean... I mean...
How can you understand?

This is smaller than the...

- Mama, por favor. Please.
- The smaller things go up here...

Stop! You've never
told me this, ever!

- This has always been here all the time.
- No. No, you...

- Don't lie to me!
- Ow! Mama!

- Don't lie to me.
- Damn!

When are you going
to learn, darling?

[STUTTERING]
We got customers.

Oh, it's just Miles.

Hi. Good to see
you, Miles.

- Juanita.
- Yeah. And who's this young lady?

Juanita, Jane.
Jane, Juanita.

- Oh! Buena noches.
- Buena noches. Como estas, Juanita?

I mean, look how
pretty she is.

Prettier than you.

[JANE LAUGHS]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

I mean, clearly, she's... She's much
smarter than both of you put together.

Mama! Why do you have
to say things like that?

Ah, look what happens
when a boy grows up

and becomes a man.

You know, you actually attract
women other than your mom.

- JAVIER: Ew!
- We're actually just friends.

Oh, look at you two.

Mmm? I mean, you look
like a beautiful couple.

How can you not be one?

[JANE CHUCKLES]

Anything you want,
it's on me.

I'll have an old fashioned.
[CHUCKLES]

A lady who drinks whiskey.

I think I'm in love.

These guys make the best old
fashioned in town. Hands down.

Oh, yeah, we do.

Well, if it's the best drink in
town, then we gotta try it, right?

- We'll take two.
- You're not going to regret it.

I don't think I will.

VANESSA: So, what drives
a single...

I mean, I'm assuming single,
30 something dude

with no kids to hang around
an arcade by himself?

JAMESON: I don't know.
I like playing games.

Takes my mind off stuff.

That so wrong?

That place has the opposite
effect on me.

Work takes the joy
out of everything.

- You think so?
- Absolutely.

What do you do
for work, then?

[SIGHS] Well, right now I'm in
between jobs, but, I'm a writer.

Oh. What kind of stuff?

Well, right now I'm
brainstorming my novel about

break dancing
in New York in 1970.

But, mostly I write just
existentialist crises stuff.

Ah, so that's
why you're so down.

I can't really talk about it.

It's like a thing.

You know, between the upskirts
and the stolen data,

we've got enough to blow
the whistle on these pricks.

[SLOW JAZZ MUSIC]

Have you read
the news recently?

I mean, evidence
doesn't mean much.

We're living in the age
of alternative facts

and pussy-grabbing.

Well...

If nothing else, we gotta get
rid of Schmeltz from that place.

[GROANS] Yeah.

I truly hate that guy. [SIGHS]

Yeah, he is the worst.

The place is the worst.

But at least
I met you there.

- Cheers.
- Cheers. [CHUCKLES]

Mmm.

- Hello.
- Oh.

MILES: Hello.

We found out that the
company is harvesting data

and selling people's identities
to the highest bidder.

- Harvesting? That's messed.
- Super messed.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Right now I'm feeling
very undervalued,

so I probably
won't do anything.

You know what will
make you feel better?

Another one of these.

I think you're right.

What do you think
I should do?

Well, I'm always
of the mindset of,

if you start something,
see it through.

What do you think, Fran?
Half assed or full assed?

Vanny, don't stop until
the job is done. Cheers.

- Fanny?
- [LAUGHS] It's Vanny.

Vanny? Whoa, Vanny?

That's what Miles says.
He says I quit everything.

Maybe he's got a point.

Calm yourself.

If there's one thing
I'm not quitting,

it's this drink. Cheers.

[CHUCKLES] Cheers.

I want you to
play me something.

Mmm-mmm. [CHUCKLES] No.

No, no, no, no. It is way too
early in our relationship for that.

Oh, come on.

- Wait. Way too early in our relationship?
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Play me something.

Are you serious?

Yes. I want to hear
some music. Do it.

- Come on, do it.
- [GROANS]

- Do it, do it, do it.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

What? [GROANING]

- Okay. What do you wanna hear?
- Anything.

[LAUGHS]

Okay.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Told you, I'm rusty.

Shut up and keep playing.

[GROANS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- Come on, let's dance.
- No, I'm better at dance-dance.

And you weren't so good
at that, Von Rothbart.

- Ouch!
- [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Move, move.

- Come on.
- MAN: Come on. Here we go.

I'm a fox.

Meow!

That was so good.

You're so talented, Miles.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, shit.

That's probably the neighbors.

It's a bit late for trumpet.

Hey, I am so sorry.
[GRUNTS. GROANS]

MORGAN: That had to hurt.

[COUGHING]

- Don't fight us.
- It won't be fun.

[GASPS, COUGHS]

What the fuck are you doing here, Schmeltz?
This is my home.

Nice place.
Ladies, find the files.

[MILES BREATHING HEAVILY]

I need what you've
stolen from me.

What?

MORGAN: Look, I know you and your
little cohorts schemed against me.

So where are my files?

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Listen, asshole.

There's cameras
all over Teleplex.

You seriously thought there
wasn't a camera in my office, too?

[LAUGHS] Holy shit!

You really are
a moron, aren't you?

Keep searching, girls!

- [CHATTER]
- [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

I haven't sweated this much
since I did hot rock yoga.

[CHUCKLES] Wow.
You're such a hipster.

I mean, a pretty hipster,
but a hipster nonetheless.

Kombucha.

[LAUGHS] Okay.

So, uh, where's your place?

Uh, it's not far from here.

Ah. Come on.
I'll give you a ride.

- Let's go!
- Yeah!

[MORGAN EXHALES]

So, show me where
the files are.

Please?

Pretty please.

[MILES EXHALES]

Oh, see, according
to my data research,

there is a 50% chance of penis
growth if you use Pharex's ViaGrow.

Lola, Ruby, explain to him
how this works.

[STRAINS, GROANS]

Oh, you are such
a bastard.

Yeah. That's what
my mom told me.

That kind of language is not
gonna get you a promotion!

Oops! I dropped
your computer in the sink

and I turned on the water.

[GASPING]
Oh, here we go!

What we do is we marinate
that in a good bit of H2O.

We put just a little bit of soap water
to make sure it gets pretty clean.

And then we just let
that fucking sit there.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Just give me what I want!

[COCKS GUN]

- Back off!
- [GUN CLICKS]

[CHUCKLES, GROANS]

Stop!

Miles, she's got a gun.

MORGAN: That's right, Miles.
She's got a gun!

- Nothing on her, sir.
- MORGAN: Damn it.

[SNIFFS]

I wanted to frisk you.

- Ouch!
- Back off, Schmeltz.

Isn't this just
fucking adorable?

[MIMICS SMOOCHING]

Where's your fucking
idiot helper? Huh?

[VANESSA TURNS OFF MUSIC]

- Thanks for the ride.
- You're welcome.

- That was fun.
- Yeah, it was.

- Why you doing this to me?
- [JANE CHUCKLES]

Maybe because you decided
to be a grotesque pig

and film upskirts
of your employees.

You're the bastard
stealing people's identities

- and selling them to the highest bidder.
- [MORGAN MIMICS SNORING]

[LAUGHING]

You're mistaking me for someone
who gives a shit.

Everybody does it.

You buy the latest iPhone,

you swipe on your
social media.

Swipe, swipe.

Just giving away your life.

That's the price you pay
for living on the grid.

Duh!

So, where are my files?

MILES: Ooh, see,

our associate has them,
and he is far, far away.

- I love your hair.
- Thanks.

That's my power source.

Whoa, Mama! Yeah.

Oh, wow. All right. Oh, yeah!
Get them off! There you go!

Whoa! Yeah!

If we disappear,

all of that shit
will be out in the world,

and Teleplex, along with
you, will be exposed.

Our associate is just
waiting to push the button.

MORGAN: Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

- WOMAN: Boss!
- Oh, what? God damn it!

- It's the big boss.
- Oh.

Hey! Yeah, yeah.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
No, everything's fine here.

Yeah, we're just finishing up.

No, not yet.

[SOFTLY] Did you let
Jameson know?

I tried. He didn't answer.

Fuck. Damn,
where is that guy?

BOTH: Stop talking.

That's fucking weird.

Oh, okay. Oh, okay! Ah!

- [VANESSA GRUNTING]
- Inverted downward dog. Yeah.

Fuck, yeah!
Do you feel it?

- [JAMESON MOANING]
- Own that, baby! Own that, baby!

- [BOTH MOANING AND GRUNTING]
- Oh, fantastic. Oh, fantastic.

- No?
- I feel it.

[VANESSA GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Do you feel it?

Yeah. Oh.

[FARTING]

- [GASPING] Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Breathe.

- I can't breathe! [GROANS]
- Breathe.

- Oh, okay. I feel it now. Yeah, yeah.
- There it is. Yeah, feel it.

It's called soaking.

[GASPING]

[BOTH YELLING]

- [BOTH GASP]
- That was amazing!

Wasn't it? I'm practicing
the art of Kama-yoga-lates.

It's a mix between Kamasutra,
Bikram Yoga and Pilates.

- [GASPING]
- You're welcome.

I for sure thought
you'd be a soft lay.

But that was something else.

- [LAUGHS]
- Dhanyavada.

[GASPING] What?

It's Sanskrit for "thank you."

- Oh.
- Dhanyavada.

- [GROWLING]
- MORGAN: The fuck are you looking at?

They used to put me
in a cage when I was a kid.

No, I'm not talking
to you, Giorgio.

No, that's not true.
They didn't put me in a cage.

Yes, we're on our way.

Pack them up.

- Giorgio wants to meet our new friends.
- Fuck.

Uh, wait, I have to go
to the bathroom.

Just hold it, okay?

I will pee in your car.

Fine. Let her go.

Could you turn
away, creeper?

- [SIGHS]
- You better not be shitting! Hurry up!

Let's go, Tinkle Bell.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[IN FRENCH] Si parfaite.

[IN ENGLISH] Double bun?

- Impressive.
- Thank you.

I've been working on it
for quite some time now.

I have to grow it out,

invest in
twice-a-day conditionings,

but it's worth it.

I love it.

Dhanyavada.

There it is again.

My yoga master's
a hard ass on me,

so basically speak fluent yoga,
you know?

Okay. [CHUCKLES] Well,
Jameson, this has been fun,

but I better head home.

You wanna...
give me your number?

Haven't you heard of
a one-night stand before?

Oh! Yeah, I have. Um...

[LAUGHS] I'm just kidding.

[LAUGHS] That was good.

Okay. Yeah, that...
You're funny.

Um, my phone.
Where is it? I think it's, uh...

VANESSA: [CHUCKLES]
Oh, um, I think it might've

gone over by the dresser
when I ripped your pants off.

Yes, you did. Got it.

All right.

- You ready?
- Oh, I'm ready.

[LAUGHS] 9-1-7-5-8...

- Shit.
- What?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit!

Uh, is your crazy ex here
or something?

Remember when I told you I was
having a really shitty day?

Well, yeah.
I don't have dementia.

[FRANTICALLY] Well,
their psychopath boss

and these two buff yet really
strangely hot Asian twins

just stole my best friends.

- Excuse me?
- It's my fault. This is all my fault.

What am I gonna do?
This is all my fault.

I... I didn't answer.

They texted me
and I didn't respond,

because I wasn't paying attention
because I was boning you,

and I didn't respond.

And now they're stolen.
Now my friends are gone.

What do I do? What do I do?

Well, you had
a pretty good distraction.

This is serious!

Oh. Um, okay. Well, uh...

- You have the files they're after, right?
- Yeah.

[CHUCKLES] So,
you've got the power.

They need what you have.

That's called leverage.

I don't know.

Because then
I'll have to get involved,

and what if
I'm into those Asian twins,

because they're strong,
and like, it's a weird thing...

You know what? [SIGHS]

I'm starting to think your friends were
right about you quitting on things.

I'll text him. I will text him.

- There we go.
- All right.

- It's not recognizing you.
- [CELL PHONE BEEPING]

No. It's because of
the double man bun.

It doesn't recognize
my face now.

- Uh, maybe try you hair...
- I'll do the code.

- I'll do the code. 6-8-6-8...
- 6-8, not 6-9.

You do me all you want.

- Call.
- All right, we are in.

What do I say?

How about you start with,
"Where are you headed?"

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]

[WHISPERS] Distract her.

So, have you worked
for Teleplex long?

Wow. Amazing.

- So, where we headed?
- MORGAN: Stop talking.

Hey, look! Look.
Jane just sent me a GPS pin.

Where are we headed?

[EXHALES] Take me to Tarzana.

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Everybody out.

[BELL DINGING]

Ah! Welcome, special guests.

- Where's Giorgio?
- Master Giorgio's in the jungle room.

Please, come, come. Follow me.

Let's go. Follow Charles.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Where the hell are we?

I feel like Tarzan's
about to jump out.

Ah! How keen of you to notice.

It's the last home owned by Edgar Rice
Burroughs before his untimely death.

Master Giorgio is an avid collector of
all things Tarzan related. [GIGGLES]

You may not know this,
but Tarzana was founded by Mr. Burroughs

as an enclave for those
seeking refuge from the...

- What the fuck is he talking about?
- Go!

[GIGGLES] If he could only
see it now.

[GIGGLING]

Ah! Here we are,
the jungle room.

Master Giorgio will be
with you shortly. Toodaloo!

The owner of Teleplex
lives... here?

- Who the hell is this guy?
- [CHUCKLES]

[GIORGIO IMITATES
TARZAN'S JUNGLE CALL]

Pull up to the scene.
Where my clothes, mister?

Pull up to the scene.
Where my clothes, mister?

Yeah, I'm different.

Pull up to the scene.
No clothes.

These two have been
a major pain in my ass.

I better get my goddamn bonus

for the shit
they put me through.

You'll be lucky if
I don't feed you to Lucy.

[LOW GROWL]

Lucy would just love
a juicy sap like you.

Okay.

[SNIFFS]

- You're doing the smell thing again.
- Oh, yeah.

That's what animals do
when they smell their prey.

Now, get out. Now.

I want my bonus.

Miles, Jane.
Welcome to my estate.

I am Liev Giorgio.

Uh, yeah,
we're not here by choice.

- Schmeltz and your thugs dragged us here, so...
- [GIORGIO SNIFFS]

What do you think
of my jungle room?

It's a little obsessive.

Why do anything at all,
if not to obsess over it?

Maybe because
you sound like a sociopath.

Well, obsession and
painstaking attention to detail

are what got me
this far in life.

See, they used to call me
the King of Silicon Valley.

Only Zuckerberg
had more success than I

at an earlier age.

And he created what?

A glorified dating website.
[MOCKINGLY] Ooh!

What's your point, Giorgio?

My point is that I created
the very first algorithm

that would allow me to track
the purchases and web activity

of millions of web mongers.

I know who's gonna buy what

and what you're gonna
want to buy next.

You see, I have been
watching all of humankind

since the dawn of the Internet.

Like an omniscient God.

[IN DEEP VOICE]
Your omniscient God!

[GROWLS]

Wow!

Takeaway to all of that,
without my data mining,

there is no Teleplex,
no jobs for you two.

MILES: Does it feel good

prying into people's lives
like a petty criminal?

Well, you leave your trash
out on the street... [SNIFFING]

it's gonna be sniffed.

You're nothing but a nerd
without a conscience.

[IN DEEP VOICE]
Me, Tarzan. You, Jane!

Okay, okay, okay.
Back off, spray tans.

You see, you have something
that belongs to me.

I just ask that you return it.

- [SIGHS]
- Wow, this is huge.

Who lives here?

The Teleplex guy
must be fucking loaded.

My grandpa had
a house like this.

He was a dick.

Look, Vinny, I don't think
you should go in there.

I'm sorry that
I dragged you into this, but...

this isn't your problem.

[CHUCKLES] Uh,
it's already my problem.

- I'm just kidding.
- [CHUCKLES]

I like you, I wanna help.

I like you, too. A lot.

Okay, so what can I do?

This has got
all the files on it.

I downloaded it. Now...

I don't know what's
gonna go on in there, so...

can you just
hold on to this for me?

Of course. No problem.

- [CAR BEEPING]
- [JAMESON SIGHS]

- [SQUELCHING]
- [GIORGIO GROANS]

A-ha. It's been
up there a while.

[GRUNTING]

[EXHALES]

My files. Give them to me, now.

If what you're doing
is so legal,

we have every right to share your
business dealings with the public.

You absolutely do not.

I have a strict NDA
with all my clients.

- With Putin?
- [IN FEMININE VOICE] And with you.

You see, sweetheart,

you really should read your contracts
a little bit more carefully.

Mmm. I don't work
for you anymore.

- Oh.
- MILES: And neither do I.

I quit. Effective immediately.

I accept your resignation.

However, you are
now in possession

of stolen
proprietary information.

And it is I who should
alert the authorities.

[MIMICKING SIREN AND GUNFIRE]

LAPD. Here they are, officers.
Take them away.

MILES: Why don't you do that,

and I'll be sure to mention
that you sent your goons

to abduct and terrorize us

in the middle of the night
at our homes.

Mmm. Yeah.

And, one of your executives

was secretly recording videos
of his female subordinates.

Mmm. Sounds like
a class action lawsuit to me.

[YELLS] Schmeltz,
get your ass in here right now.

MORGAN: Yeah.

They give you
the files yet, boss?

[STUTTERS] Does it look like
I got the files,

you filthy pervert?

Whoa! Wait! [STUTTERING]

Just relax.
I can fix this. I can fix it.

- I am starting to lose my temper.
- Of course.

You've exposed me, Schmeltz.

[DOORBELL RINGS,
INTERCOM BEEPS]

MORGAN: [SHOUTING] That's
the bastard with the files!

JAMESON: [ON INTERCOM] Hello?

Who are you
and what do you want?

Yeah. Hi. Uh, my name is
Jameson Doheny.

I'm friends with Jane and Miles.

I think
you're holding them hostage.

So, if you could, uh...

you know, go ahead and open up.

GIORGIO: What the fuck?

How do they know you're here?
Did... Did he follow you?

- No, no! It's got to be one of them!
- JAMESON: Hello?

Both of you,
empty your pockets, now.

- Now!
- [JAMESON MAKING BIRD SOUNDS]

MORGAN: We frisked her!

That's not my fault!

- Un-fucking-believable!
- [GRUNTS]

JAMESON: All right,
I'm gonna blink twice.

Give that. Hand it over, now.

Now. Now. Give it here.

- Really?
- Shut it.

- [DIGITAL BEEPS]
- Oh, Charles, where are you?

[IN FEMININE VOICE] Yes, Master.
Ooh! Yes, Master Giorgio.

There you are,
my sweet, precious Charles.

Um, please get
this lump of trash

out of my jungle room

and incinerate
this mobile device immediately.

Right-O, Master Giorgio.

- Uh... Oh.
- [MORGAN GROANS]

- Twins!
- [JAMESON SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON INTERCOM]

- [HUMS AND GIGGLES]
- [DOOR OPENS]

- Kaw-kaw!
- [MORGAN GROANS]

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- CHARLES: I think Mr. Schmeltz here

may have
Schmeltzed himself. [GIGGLES]

Get him the fuck out of here.

JAMESON: Um, hello?

I have the files.

Come in through the gate.

That's what I thought, bitch.

Oh! I didn't...
I didn't mean that.

Jameson, you fuckhead.

- Oh, and Charles...
- Mmm-hmm?

...take the girls to, uh,
meet our new guests.

- Boop! [GIGGLES]
- [GIORGIO LAUGHS]

I love that man.

Both of you, out.
That way. That way.

Move your tight little asses.

Move it.

Keep it moving.

Left, left, right, left.

Ah, and here we are.

Lovers' suite.

In you go.

Come on. Go, Miles.

Move that sweet little ass
of yours.

[CLICKING TONGUE]
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

All right. Enjoy your stay.

Don't touch anything.

I'll come back for you later.

JANE: Great.

We're stuck in his
robot torture lab now. Perfect.

[MILES SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS, BELL DINGS]

[IN FEMININE VOICE] Hello!

Uh...

I'm here for Jane and Miles.

Welcome, visitor.

I'm Charles.
These are my lovely twins.

Are those real guns?

Please, please accompany me
to the sitting room.

[GIGGLES] This is
from Master Giorgio himself.

Come, come. Please, please come.

What are the chances
that Jame-O screws this up

and we die in here?

I'd say strong.

Strong to very strong.

Yeah. Jame-O is a fuck up
and Giorgio's a psychopath.

Bad combo.

Oh, yeah. That's awesome.
That is awesome.

- Ooh, that's nice.
- [GIGGLES]

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Oh, yeah.

Ah, there he is.

The man responsible for it all.

My lover. [GIGGLES]
I'll leave you to it.

Are you the bastard
that stole my data?

You have
a really cool house, dude.

I love the Tarzan motif.
Really coming together.

What's your deal?

Oh, I just came for my friends.

Is that all you want?

That's all I want.

[LOW GROWL]

[SNIFFS] Oh, yeah.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

[WHOOPS]

[COUGHING]

You like to party? [COCKS GUN]

I like to party.

GIORGIO: All right.
Let's party, then.

[LAUGHS, FIRES GUN]

- Whoa!
- Oh!

Whoo!

What... is this?

It's a new designer drug
I cooked up.

I call it Jungle Fruit.

What does it do?

Well, it's got
all the euphoria of MDMA

plus the fuck-all-night of coke.

I'm not supposed
to do drugs tonight. [GRUNTS]

You wanna help your friends?

- You want to get out of here?
- Yeah.

Then try it.

- Be somebody!
- [GASPS]

Okay. Okay. All right.

I will be somebody!

[BOTH CHANTING] Be somebody.

[SNORTING]

[GROANS] God, that's gross!

- Oh. [YELPS]
- [GUN COCKING]

[LAUGHS]

Jesus! You fucking psycho!
What are you doing?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Bang!

Bang! You're dead.

[SIGHS]

I'm, uh...

I'm sorry for
getting us into this mess.

What mess?

I love being abducted
and held hostage

by an uber-wealthy maniac
in Tarzana.

I mean, it's just how I unwind

- after a long day of work at Teleplex.
- [CHUCKLES]

- I wonder why I'm still single.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

So, when did you get divorced?

Oh, shit.

I need to come clean
about something. I, uh...

I looked at your data profile.

Look, I'm sorry. It was wrong.
I shouldn't have done it.

- I just... It was there and I clicked on it and...
- I hate hypocrites the most.

No, I know.
And you deserve to hate me, okay?

But, I'm sorry.

Look, I'm not judging you.

It's okay. I just, um...

It's just
a painful subject for me.

I fell in love
for the first time

when I was an undergrad at UCLA.

Things moved really quickly
and we got married. And then...

life screwed it all up.

You have
something forward, right?

Assuming we don't die here.

But, yeah.

The future is ours.

Sometimes you get this feeling
that we're living in this...

this weird technological age,

where everything we do
is being monitored

under a digital microscope.

[SCOFFS]

Big Brother is watching us.

Scary times.

I mean, it could be worse.

Yeah. It could be. [CHUCKLES]

- CHARLES: [IN SING-SONG VOICE] Hello.
- [BELL DINGING]

[GIGGLES]

Wow. That was, uh...

That was...
That was really sexy.

And, uh... you're probably
asking yourself,

"What am I doing here?"

And the answer
to that question is,

I'm here to rescue you both.

Wait. What?
Why would you do that?

I don't know if you've noticed,

but I'm employed by
a fucking lunatic named Giorgio.

And, uh, that's not my real accent.
I'm actually from Irvine.

Real name's Ricky.

Anyway, you two seem like
a lovely pair,

and I'd hate for you
to die here in Tarzana.

What? You're actually here
to help us?

Bro, I am the rat
fleeing the sinking ship.

You want off or not?

And what about Jameson?

I don't really know
how to say this,

but your friend is on a crazy
drug bender with Giorgio.

I don't know
what the fuck they're up to.

- [MIMICKING MOOING]
- Moo! Moo like a cow. Moo like a cow.

Moo like a cow.
[SNORTING LOUDLY]

[SCREAMING AND LAUGHING]

Anyway, uh...

Yeah, I would just...

I would probably leave him here.

That's your best bet.

Well, we're not
gonna leave without him.

All right. Well,
then you're on your own because I'm done.

I'm getting
the fuck out of here.

I've been here for 13 years.

I haven't had sex
in seven of those 13 years.

Besides, I had sex
with Giorgio, but...

I don't know what that is.

I wouldn't call that sex.

So, uh, you guys coming or not?

[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, assholes.

- [GUN COCKING]
- Shit!

Hi! Freeze!

You two
royally fucked up my life,

really fucking good!

- [JANE GIGGLES]
- You fuckin' laughin' at?

- Wow! No, it's fine.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wow, Schmeltz!

You really are a piece of shit.

Oh, just stop!

You're just big fat bully.

And you're just a dirty fucking
whore with a trashy mouth!

Now, shut up before I put a
bullet in your fucking head!

You will not shut me up.

Does it make you feel good
exploiting women?

- Hmm?
- No! Shut up!

- Does it make you feel like a man?
- No.

I feel sorry for you.

Because no matter
who you shame or harass...

you will always truly be alone.

You better be quiet
or I will fucking shoot you.

I promise you that.

[CHUCKLES] Wow.

All this time,
I thought you were just a pervert.

But you're a murderer, too.

What? Shut up! No!

You killed Gordy, didn't you?

No... No, no, no, no, no.
I had nothing to do with that!

I had nothing to do with that.

Don't be shaking your head like
I had something to do with that!

I had nothing
to do with that!

- Schmeltz!
- What? What the fuck?

[GRUNTING]

[MORGAN GROANING]

Come on, let's go.

GIORGIO: ♪ I've had
the time of my life... ♪

Baby, you're so cute.

I love you. I love you.

[MONKEY CHATTERING]

[HUMS AND GROANS]

Bro, that is a cool monkey.

Isn't he handsome?

- What's his name?
- Tutu.

JAMESON: Tutu.

Tutu.

- [SOFTLY] Wow, that's a cool name.
- Yeah.

I didn't know
you could actually own a monkey.

Well, you can't, legally,
but who's gonna stop me?

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
I'm rich, bitch.

- [LAUGHING]
- [TUTU SCREECHING]

- Is he safe?
- Yeah.

Just, uh, don't give him
any of your Jungle Fruit.

[INHALES] Makes him
wanna eat faces.

[SCREECHING]

[CHUCKLING] Bro,
your monkey is a sick dancer.

[LAUGHS] Your monkey's
got moves, bro.

[LAUGHS] Of course he does.

He's my fucking monkey.

Look at him.
Yeah, I taught him that.

Say, you're a fun guy, Jame-O.

- Look, I really don't wanna have to hurt you.
- [TUTU CHITTERING]

Please, tell me...

how do we resolve
our differences, hmm?

Files. Yep.

Here is your flash drive.

I really just came
for my friends.

Oh. Yeah, that's right.

[CHITTERING]

- [SCREECHING]
- Oh, wow.

You guys really got
all the good shit, didn't you?

[EXHALES]

- Your monkey just ate all the drugs.
- Huh?

No. No!

- [SCREECHES]
- [YELPS]

Bad Tutu!

Give me the Jungle Fruit.

- No, no, no.
- [SCREECHING]

[SOFTLY] Jame-O.

Hey!

[MOUTHING] How'd you get here?
I can't get up.

[GIORGIO GROANS]

What the fuck! She'll be running
amuck for the next three days.

- [EXHALING]
- Well, that is a bummer, bro.

I'm, uh... [GROANS]

I'm gonna go.

[CHUCKLES] No, no, no.

The party's not over.
You don't leave.

[IN DEEP, STERN VOICE]
Sit your ass down.

JANE: [SOFTLY]
Gotta get him out of there.

[WHISPERING]
Yeah. I got this one.

Hold it, Giorgio.

Miles.

Welcome to the party.

Sit down, psycho.

Let us not resort
to name calling.

[FRANTICALLY] Miles, there's a fucking
gun inside the loincloth thing!

Okay, so grab it off him.

[IN DEEP VOICE]
Yeah. Come and get it.

I'm good.

- Jame-O, get the fucking gun.
- [SCREAMS]

GIORGIO: Yes. Get it.

Jame-O, what does my fox say?

♪ Ding, ding, ding
Di-ding, d-ding, ding, ding ♪

[IN SING-SONG VOICE]
That's not it.

- [STRAINING] Okay. All right.
- [LAUGHING]

Is... Bro, it that...
your real...

Oh, yeah.

JAMESON: That's all you?
GIORGIO: Yeah.

Fucking good job, man.

That's great.

- Hold on, let me get... [GRUNTS]
- [SQUELCHING]

- [STRAINING] Oh, got it.
- [MOANING]

Look at that. He's got my gun.

Bravo.

Did you give him the files?

Jame-O. How fucking high
are you right now?

Pretty, uh...

Pretty high.

Jesus.

- Jame-O. The files!
- Hmm?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I gave him the files.

Okay.
Giorgio, you have the files.

We're leaving,
and this is over. Okay?

GIORGIO: Oh, no, no, no.

The party is not over.

No one ever
leaves my parties early.

Oh, girls!

Bring her in here at once.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

- Drop it! Drop the gun! Now!
- [GIORGIO SNICKERS]

GIORGIO: Listen to the lady.

♪ Welcome to the jungle ♪

TWIN 1: Drop it, now!

Okay, Okay.

- [SCREECHING]
- [SCREAMS]

[YELPS]

- MILES: Come on. Come on!
- [GRUNTS]

- Let's go!
- MILES: Jame-O, go, go, go!

- [SCREAMING]
- Tutu!

[SCREECHING]

[JANE PANTING]

Hey, Schmeltz.

- [GROANS]
- Fuck you.

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[LOCK THUDDING]

[LOCK THUDDING]

MILES: Bingo!

[CAR STARTING]

[JAMESON MUMBLES]

JANE AND JAMESON: The gate!

- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
- [JANE SCREAMS]

[CHITTERING]

GIORGIO: Tutu! Tutu!

[MIMICKING MONKEY SOUNDS]

Where's daddy's little angel?

- [SQUEALING] Tutu!
- [LOW GROWL]

[CRYING] I'm sorry, Tutu.
Just come home, Tutu, please.

Tutu, please!
Don't do this to me, Tutu!

- [LUCY GROWLING]
- [SCREAMS] Lucy, no!

[ALL WHOOPING]

You guys saved me!

You came back for us, man.

'Course I did, bro!

Sorry for what I said back there.
It was out of line.

JAMESON: No, man. You're right.

I do quit everything.

And I need to grow up. So...

Yeah, well, thanks for not
giving up on us, man.

You really,
really pulled through.

Giorgio was insane.

At least that's
all over with now, right?

Not so fast.

I think I have an idea.

Oh, yeah?

That, and there's someone
I want you guys to meet.

JANE: Do you have
a girlfriend, Jame-O?

JAMESON: Uh, maybe.
I-I don't know. [STAMMERS]

We don't label things, okay?

Stop coming at me
with a pointed tone.

[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm here with Miles Jones,
Jane Avant and Jameson Doheny,

the whistleblowers who...

exposed the nefarious
data dealings of Teleplex

and its eccentric CEO,
Liev Giorgio.

Hello, gang.

'Sup, LA! What's up, dudes?

[HESITATINGLY] Welcome.

At this point,
it seems as though everyone in America

has read the book you three
co-wrote, Take me to Tarzana,

how three millennials
took down Teleplex.

It's quite a timely story

about the dangers of living
in our current digital age.

In fact,
some people have gone so far

as to compare this book
and its cultural significance

to that of Upton Sinclair's,
The Jungle.

What do you say about that?

[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING]

Jesus Christ! You're incredible.

You're incredible.
[LAUGHING] Holy shit!

[SEDUCTIVELY] I love your hair.

Thanks. It's my power source.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Maybe we should just try
to start over somewhere else.

Oh, between the pussy grab...
[SNORTS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Por favor, Miles.
Don't act like my son.

Would you, please? Because you're
gonna end up like this stupid...

Shot. Fuck. Forget it.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[SHOUTING] Whoa! Yeah! Wow!

Wow! Wait.
Who's the dude over there?

It's not this one.

[ALL LAUGHING]

GIORGIO: Don't laugh.

CAMERAMAN: It's this one.

Guys, I farted,
so when they get in, it smells.

MAN: [ON RADIO] Thanks.

I used to know you.
You fucking surf?

MILES: No, man.

- No. No, I'm sorry.
- Bro, he fucking surfs.

In HR, I didn't say "scrotum."

- [MEOWING]
- [LAUGHING]

[GIORGIO WHOOPING]

Spit in my mouth.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION,
LAUGHTER]

[SQUEALS] I love you!

[REGGAE MUSIC CONTINUES]