Table 19 (2017) - full transcript

Shit!

Shit!

We were invited to
Henry Grotsky's son's wedding.

We got invited to
Henry Grotsky's son's wedding?

Yeah. Why are you
saying it like that?

Why am I saying it
the way someone

who was just invited
to the wedding...

...of the child of a guy
he barely knows would say it?

We're going.
Mmm-mmm.

This place will be fine
without us for a weekend.

No. Not going.



Jerry, you're
the president of idiots.

Bina, you're the dummy
who voted me into office.

Okay, impeached.
Too late. I resign.

Ha-ha!

I was first.

This could be
a great thing for you, sweetie.

Look, it was
at a friend's wedding

that your dad and I
first got it on.

Open the door,
I want to show you something.

I'm flat-out naked
in here, so...

Renzo Eckberg, your manhood
is nothing to be ashamed of.

Your manhood
is a glory to God.

Open the door a crack,
I'll fling it in.

This could be how you meet
the love of your life.



Girls are always so drunk
and emotional at weddings.

Maybe that's where
you'll really shine.

Should I start hanging out
at wakes too?

Oh, let's see
how the wedding goes first.

You got a letter
from someone.

I'm pretty surprised
about it.

I didn't know you knew
anyone in the free world.

Good boy!

Why, thank you, Ringo.

Oh, my!

Oh, Ringo!

I, Francie...

...take you, Douglas,
as you are...

...to love and to cherish...

...to have and to hold...

...until death do us part.

Frances Millner,
Douglas Grotsky, take hands.

You may now kiss
as husband and wife.

Two miles later,
we're almost there.

Hi.

Oh, my God.

Shit.

You look good, ladies.
Right here.

I'll see you in there.

Hi.
Hey.

You're here.
That's c...

Mmm-hmm.

Why are you here?

Same as you.

Because I'm the best man
at my sister's wedding.

Okay.

So it's not
the same at all.

Oh, my God, just...

Give a
little bit of love to grow

Have fun!

Oh, shit.

Don't you make me
beg for more

Give a sign,
I need to know

I wish I could be there
to be your wingman, honey.

Whether you get
a girl to smile

or whether she runs away,
it's all good.

Gotta go, someone's here.

Hello.

I'm Francie Millner's
first nanny,

Jo Flanagan.

That's Jo with a "J" and an "O"
and no "E."

I'm Renzo. With an "E"
and an "O" and no "J."

You have an intense look
about you, Renzo.

Thank you.
I'm working on that.

Hi.

Bina and Jerry Kepp, hello.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Walter.

Hello, Roger.
Nice to see you.

Thank you so much
for inviting me,

it really means a lot.

Thank you so much.
I didn't invite you.

Francie did.

Okay.
I honestly thought

they wouldn't let you
travel out of state.

Well, you know.

Hello!
Thank you for inviting me.

Thank you so much
for coming.

I don't think
we've ever been

at a reception table
with a nanny before.

Have we, Jerry?

Only very good

or very bad nannies

are remembered
so many years later.

Which one are you?

You guys swingers?

No, you're not. Right? No.

Renzo, pick up the phone.
Renzo, pick up the phone.

Did you not request
a singles' table?

Because so far,
it's slim pickings.

It was on the RSVP.
You put it there yourself.

Pardon me.

And how are you so sure
you're not with the singles?

If there are couples
at your table,

they could be
what's called "swingers."

How well do you know the
bride and groom, Mr. Kepp?

Hmm. I can smell
the toilets from here,

that's how well we know
the bride and groom.

Don't listen to him,
he's not a romantic.

This is a great table.

It's a great one.

Mmm. No, it isn't.
Yeah, it is.

Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.

Well, we'll see.
Okay.

Hello. Sorry.

Someone's sitting in that.
Sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Is this one okay?

Yeah. No one's...

My name is Walter.

I can tell by your accent

you must be a relation
to the bride's father.

Close relation?

Yes.

Oh.

Hmm.

So what do you do,
Walter?

What do I do...

For work?

- Leave it alone.
- Why can't a person ask that?

Yeah, I'd like to know.

Okay, then. Okay.

She'd like to know.

So, Walter,
what is it that you do?

I am a successful businessman.

Oh.
Okay.

- Okay, then.
- Hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

What kind of business?

Sorry, do you mind?

So, forget the married people.

Dance with the nanny.

Hollywood marriages bust up all
the time because of the nanny.

And you know what, Renzo?

Even if she is a little older,
so what?

There's something to be said
for know-how,

experience and someone
who's seen a lot of things.

You don't want somebody
perfect for your first dance.

It's just too intimidating.

You okay?

No. Not okay.

I could just see you staring
at somebody for a minute.

Like a real, true minute which
is a long time to stare.

Tells me you got something
brewing up here.

Sorry, do I know you?

Do you mind
if I say something else?

I'm gonna say
something else.

Nobody deserves a full
minute of your attention

unless they're giving it
back to you.

Oh.
Smile!

Hey, just something
for you to think about.

Me to you.

You're welcome.

Um, what the fu...

- Hey!
- Sorry?

Don't do that.
Do what?

Just say something smug
and walk away.

No,
it wasn't like that.

I just saw you there, and I...
Yeah, well, it was like that.

Also, in order
for you to know that

I'd been staring at someone
for a real, true minute,

you had to be staring at me
for a real, true minute.

Also, that was a test.
Which I passed.

My ex-boyfriend
is in there.

And I...
You know, felt nothing.

I felt nothing at all.

Right.
So, I misread that entirely.

Yeah. I guess you did.

Sorry, I'm...
I'm having an off day.

Do you ever have that?

Kind of day where
you think that the things

that come so easy to
everyone else just seem so

elusive?

No.

Yeah, me neither.

Okay.
Okay.

Not that you asked,
but this is where I'm sitting

so if you end up
in the high teens,

you know where to find me.

Shit!

Oh, shit.

Are you feeling all right?

What do you say
your name is?

Megan-Ann.

Megan-Ann. Okay.
I will not forget.

I should have married Leroy
while I had the chance.

Leroy knew where
to put his hands.

Ah, you're the killer, Nyung.
Don't deny it, you shit.

It's hard to put down
a good book.

Yes.

Who doesn't love to read books?
I do, as a normal person.

What's your favorite book,
Walter?

Probably that one.

Walter, where do you live?

Today will not suck.

Your nails are orange
and your hair is orange.

And your dress is orange.
I say it's too much orange.

Too much orange?

That's what I was saying,
so you have to lose one of them.

I meant the dress.

Oh, my God.

Where are you from?

Hi.
Hellomygod.

- Okay. Hi.
- Hi!

I am Renzo.

I've achieved puberty
and I'm in a rock band.

I'm Walter, I'm a successful businessman
and I've also reached puberty.

Well, terrific.
I'm Eloise.

So far, it's my mom on bass
and me on lyrics,

but it's pretty cool.
Very cool.

Uh-huh.

There's No Bad Name
For a High School Rock Band.

Is what we're
calling ourselves.

I'm calling it "The Band."

Eloise, what's your connection
to the bride and groom?

Right, yeah, that's the sort
of question you ask back here.

It's not gonna be
what you want to hear.

It won't be
what she wants to hear.

You're Jo Flanagan, right?

You're the nanny.
Francie's nanny.

How do you know that?

And you know Henry Grotsky
from the diner scene,

you're those people...

Jesus, not the Klumps.

Wow.

The Kepps.

- Bina and Jerry Kepp.
- Right.

And I'm Walter,
just a successful businessman

who just likes to read
his favorite book.

That one.

And you're
Grotsky's friend's kid?

You requested
the singles' table.

That was never
gonna happen.

How do you know us?

So, Francie, today's bride,
is my oldest friend.

Oh... Thank you!

There's been
a long discussion

about what kind of
table this is

and you've just
resolved it!

She is the best friend
of the bride.

Well, oldest.

How close to the toilet
do you feel now, Mr. Kepp?

The same.
The distance is the same.

You know what?
It's the same wedding.

It's the same celebration no
matter what table you're at.

I'm a fan of
detective fiction, Eloise.

Big, big fan.

So when I find that something
doesn't add up, I investigate.

Can't help being a detective,
it's just who I am.

And you want to know what rank on
the force my husband has attained?

He manages a diner in Columbus, Ohio.
That rank.

Fill us in anyway,
would you,

on how exactly
the bride's best friend

ended up back here
with the Klumps.

Oldest friend.
Leave it alone.

No, that's fine.
It's not, it's...

It's no mystery,
it's not a big deal.

I got dumped
by Francie's brother,

Teddy Millner,
the best man.

That tall drink of shit
over there at table one

you can barely see.
God, look at him.

That guy is exactly
who you think he'd be.

Yeah, just a selfish jerk.

Which I somehow didn't see
until two months ago

when he dumped me out of the blue.
Then I saw.

So I dropped out
as maid of honor

because it was awkward
and I RSVP'd "No."

Well, "Yes" and then "No."
And then I thought,

this is about Francie,
it's her day,

and I won't let her brother
scare me away from that.

I'm glad I came.
I'm fine.

I feel nothing, actually.
I'm, like...

I feel liberated.
I feel free.

God. You have no idea
what that feels like.

Someday.

I mean, I am free.
I do, I mean,

I'm a free man,
I do know how it feels.

Right. Great.

Well, then, you know.
It feels great.

I don't have to think
about him anymore.

Talk to him, or...

Excuse me.

All right.
Our newlyweds will be joining us

for their first dance soon.

Okay, what's going on, man?

Meanwhile,
enjoy the open bar.

Come on,
what does that mean?

What does that mean?

It means you leave me
a voicemail

telling me to tell Francie
not to open your RSVP card.

Then you leave me a voicemail
telling me that you're coming

and then another one saying
"Disregard the last one."

So that's what I mean,
what are you doing here?

You listened to
all those voicemails?

Hey, guys, right here.

Come on, El,
please don't go all crazy.

"All crazy"?
Now what does that mean?

It means you get mad.

You do something big
and you can't take it back

and it's too late,
and then...

Crazy. I do that?

I do that?

I'm not your mom,
so, I don't do that.

I think it's funny, mostly.

But not today.

Nikki will murder me...
All right, all right.

Nikki can calm down.
What is the deal with Nikki?

Really?

Wow. "What's the deal
with Nikki?" That's funny.

Why would you care about Nikki if
you're just here for my sister?

You're right.

Yeah.
You're right.

It's none of my business
if you cheated on me with her.

What?
Why should it even bother me?

Come on! I didn't
cheat on you with her.

It started
after we broke up

and you dropped out
as maid of honor.

How does a guy who...

After two years, you break
up with me over text?

"Good luck with your
future endeavors"?

Were you firing me?

What the f...

You're an asshole.

Oh, my God,
you're such an asshole.

You're a ridiculous asshole.

Why don't you just go home?

Yeah?
Yeah.

Before you ruin
all this for Francie.

I don't have a ferry ticket
till tomorrow, anyway.

Swim.

Think she'll be back?

I vote yes.

Hey! Let's chat,

you and me.

No, I'd like my
elbow back, Nicole.

Fine.

Just don't make a scene.

Why does everyone
keep saying I do that?

Hey, Jerry Kepp.
Uh-huh.

Just a hypothetical.

If someone offered you
20 bucks to go up

to our room and read your
book in the tub, would you?

Say yes.

No. You know how I feel
about a hotel bathtub.

People do unconscionable
things in hotel bathtubs.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Bina, stand up. Bina, please,
stand up right now, please.

Why?

I will give you
20 unhypothetical dollars

if you stand up right now.

All right, then.

Okay?

What?

Honey.
Oh.

Shit.

What a shame.

Here you go.
Oh, thank you.

So much.

How long have you
worked here?

I don't

really work here.

Yeah. What's up?

Look at that.

That is why
I'm here today.

Rodriguez & Hayes
must be overjoyed.

Actually, I heard
they were fighting.

Okay, look.

Teddy broke up
with you.

I know how hard
that can be, okay?

A long time ago,
he broke up with me

to go out with you,
so I get it.

But you have to stop now.

I fit into this family.
You never did.

I was Francie's first choice
for maid of honor.

I was Teddy's first choice
for a girlfriend.

Sometimes, first sticks.
Sometimes, it doesn't.

He listened to every
voicemail I sent,

so what does that tell you?

Tells me you don't know
when to stop calling.

Hey, Bina.
Hmm?

Make use of the jacket
and grab us a cheese plate,

would you?

That's funny.
Last week,

I did a search history
on our computer.

And one of us looked up
"Topless Dame Helen Mirren."

Wasn't me.

M-I-R-R-E-N.

Why did you do that?

Why did you come here?

Jerry said
he wasn't coming,

and then all of a sudden
he changed his mind

and he won't say why.

Since when does a man
need a reason

to go to a wedding
with his own wife?

See? He has
a pathological aversion

to answering
a question directly.

He always answers
with another question.

Why did you make
Facebook friends

with Henry Grotsky
on Facebook?

You answered with a question.

Why are you looking
at my Facebook?

You just did the same thing.

Okay.
Actually, with Henry Grotsky

and Tom Fo.

Tom Fo?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, Henry Grotsky owns
five diners in Central Ohio.

We own a diner
in Central Ohio.

Everyone who owns
a diner in Central Ohio

is Facebook friends.

You'd know that
if you paid attention.

Tom Fo. Okay.

Am I Facebook friends
with Tom Fo, really, Jerry?

Okay. All right.

Bina lost her virginity to a
loser immigrant named Tom Fo.

He was from Canada.

From the province of Canada that
produces the most insufferable people.

That's not true.
Manitoba. It is true.

Tom Fo is my first boyfriend,
and we loved each other.

Great, I'll friend
my first love now.

Helen Mirren
will be thrilled.

Renzo, pick up the phone.
Renzo, pick up...

Not now, big fight.

Are you all right?
You look lost.

I do?

If you need help,
just ask us.

Sorry, "If I need help"?

Do you?
Do you need my help?

Why would I need your help?

Well, you have no one.

I did the table assignments
with Francie.

How could the person who did the table
assignments have no one else here?

I planned half the wedding.

Okay.

Table one is Francie,
Doug and everyone

who actually matters
including Teddy Millner,

the best man-child
and Nikki Carmichael,

the second-choice
maid of honor.

Table two,
Francie's hideous dad...

Roger?
No, he's a lovely bloke.

Roger and his trophy wife,
and Doug's parents

who are married but miserable.

Table three, Francie's
disaster of a mother,

her actual sorority sisters who
are all divorced, mostly twice,

sometimes more.
What's happening now?

Four, Doug's
kooky college friends.

Five, grandparents,
no comment.

Six, Doug's dad's
military buddies.

Seven, decent cousins.

Eight, indecent cousins
including Infamous Kate,

the Millner family
nymphomaniac.

Where is eight now?

Nine, Francie's
scintillating work.

10, Doug's even
more scintillating work.

11, kids' table, no comment.

12 and 13
are two tables of singles,

one supposedly cool,
the other supposedly not.

14, Doug's dad's
diner world connections.

The hell are
we doing back here?

15 are the wedding hires
including the reverend,

the hairdresser,
the hairdresser's colorist.

And then there's three more
tables until you get back here.

Do you know what Francie's
mother calls this table?

Enough.

What Carol Millner
calls Table 19?

The table that should have
known to RSVP regrets...

...but not before sending
something nice off the registry.

Enough.

The table that could
disappear in the middle

of the wedding and no one
would even notice.

Enough!

I did the table assignments
with Francie

before I was replaced
as maid of honor

because her brother broke up with
me over text after two years.

That's the kind of
table this is.

I told Francie Millner a never-ending
story when she was five.

I taught her
a dozen rock-n-roll songs.

I gave her, her favorite
toy in the world.

A golden bird
that she so loved,

I bet she still has it now.

Does that sound like a person
they would put at a table

of people
they don't care about?

It sounds like someone who
was invited to a wedding

because Francie's
mother found out

she was paying $200 a plate
for the groom's nanny

and wanted
to settle the score.

Oh, and me too.

I mean, I'm here too.

Even though Teddy Millner is
the worst person I ever knew.

I wanted to see if maybe
I was still in love with him.

So, thanks for the offer but I'm
done looking for help from people

who are as lost as I am.

I'm Teddy.

And I'm Nikki.

I'm the best man.

Maid of honor.

Welcome
for their first dance

Mr. and Mrs. Douglas Grotsky!

Get this party started!

See the people
walking down the street

Fall in line
just watching all their feet

They don't know
where they want to go

But they're walking in time

They got the beat
They got the beat

They got the beat
Yeah, they got the beat

Hi.
No.

Of course not.

Hello. I am Renzo
representing House Eckberg.

Uh-huh. Okay.

I'm Luke Pfaffler.

Can I help you
with something?

Mr. Pfaffler?

May I have a word
with your daughter?

Oh, this is not my daughter.
She's just my tablemate today.

Can I ask what her name is?

Megan-Ann.

There it is.

I may come to you one day

asking for Megan-Ann's hand
in marriage.

She's not my daughter.

But today, I'm only going to ask
for her hand in this dance.

And the rest of her,
along with her body.

Good. No,
I don't think that's...

You don't want
to dance, right?

No.
She doesn't want to dance.

Maybe I should have a word
with her actual father?

He's not here.

Same with mine.

Okay, I think this
conversation is over, right?

Because it started with
you asking for a dance

and then the answer
to that was no.

First, can I ask if she'd like to
hear about my extracurriculars?

Okay. I'm gonna go out
on a limb here,

Rezno, and say that she has
evaluated the whole package,

including the
after-school specials

and she's not really ready
to dance with that, okay?

So you could just stand awkwardly
in front of another table.

Oh, okay.

Thank you
for the clarity of that.

That was bracing,
so thank you.

My pleasure.

Would it matter
if I'm in a band?

What instrument?

Lyrics.
No.

We got the beat

We got the beat

Well, that was weird.

I thought we were gonna be
murdered there for a second.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my God,
the lighting in here is brutal!

God!

My dance number is next and
I cannot look like my hair

just got humped
by a hurricane.

Hello, Carol.

I must look
very different to you

since the last time
we saw each other.

O-M-G! Oh!

That's mortifying
that I would forget.

Nanny Jo.

Well, you've had
a lot on your plate.

No, I am a Champagne
mental patient.

It is inexcusable.

No, it's fine.
No, it's not.

No, it's fine.

No, it's not fine.

Oh, my God.

All right. We have to catch
up one of these years,

when my brain is
made of less liquid.

We will die laughing.

One of these years.

My daughter is
a goddamn married woman!

The funny thing is,
the bloke doesn't realize

he's on the ninth green with
his pants around his ankles!

Funny.

This...
...is my nephew.

Hello.

My name is Walter and I'm
a successful businessman.

Nice. What line of work
are you in?

I could ask you
the same question.

Me?
Yeah.

Oh, I'm in beer
and wine distribution.

Same.
Oh, you are?

Ever heard of a guy named
Donny Haczyk?

Yes. He's a knobhead.

- He's a what?
- A knobhead.

Like a dickhead.

I'm Donny Haczyk.

Good to
see you again, Donny.

And pull her close
and there, there, there

And take your baby
by the ears

And play upon
her darkest fears

We were so in phase

In our dance hall days

Oh, boy.

People do weird things
at weddings.

What was I
ever thinking?

It's so weird, one day you
can be 100%, the next...

Are you hungry?

Because there's a plate
of pigs in a blanket

about to come
through that door.

Just grab it.

Thank you so much.
Thank you.

How did you...

My sense of smell
is my best feature.

Ooh!

Was that a bread roll?

Happy Anniversary.

What's wrong with you?

What are we doing here?

What if I'm just here
to enjoy all of this?

Huh? We used to dance, Jerry.

Why can't I just be here
to reminisce

on the early days
of Bina and Jerry?

Please.

I give up.

Where's Mr. Manny?

Mr. Manny?

A lady at Table 4
says she tries

to eat her own weight in
purple cabbage every week.

How do I figure out if the kitchen
has that much purple cabbage?

I don't know
why you're telling me...

Okay, forget it.

Take this. Take it.

I'll find Mr. Manny myself.

Oh, come on!
Hmm.

I should go somewhere.

Yeah, I mean...

You should be
traveling the world.

Hmm.

I've never actually
been outside the country.

It almost happened
after high school

but I had to get a job answering
phones at a car dealership

and my supposed
friends couldn't wait.

So now I find myself
thinking that this guy...

You, guy...

...seem like the kind of
person who, in fact,

did not have to get a job
at Lukazey's Toyota

and has been to Europe
or some such

and knows
where one goes to...

To what?

Oh. Well. Uh...

I'd probably say this corner right
here is where I'd go for that.

We have no past

We won't reach back

Keep with me forward

All through the night
And once we start

The meter clicks

Ugh. I'm drunk, Teddy.

Please don't let me
make a fool of myself.

Mom, you could never
make a fool of yourself.

You couldn't make it.
Not possible.

All through the night

Stray cat is crying,
so stray cat sings back

- What are we doing?
- We're dancing.

And also?

Maybe making
somebody jealous.

Okay.

Sorry.
Bit too much?

It's a little too much.

You know,
this isn't really dancing.

Oh?
Uh-uh.

This is dancing.

Oh...

Watch it!

What?

Keep with me forward
all through the night

And once we start

The meter clicks

And it goes on running

All through the night

We have no past

We won't reach back

Keep with me forward
all through the night

And once we start

The meter clicks

And it goes running
all through the night

Until it ends

There is no end

It was lovely
to dance with you.

How did I not
just get kissed?

It happens more often
than you think.

Hmm...

Uh...
I'm Eloise, by the way.

Who are you?

Huck.

Huck?

No one's really
named Huck anymo... Okay.

Huck, we are in a grand
ballroom full of tables.

I'm at the very worst one.

Would you care to join me?

I shouldn't.

Sure.

Oh, seriously?
Yeah.

Oh, God, you're not
somebody's date in there, are you?

No.

Because you're not at a table.
You're crashing the wedding?

You gotta stay
for the food.

Oh, do I?

Yeah, that's why people come
to weddings. For free food.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah.

And to meet somebody.

Hello? Hello? Hey, everybody.

Best man.
Best man, toast time.

Yeah.

Yeah. Now, I got a few things
that I'd like to say.

Well, it's hard to believe
any relationship

that had its start at
McCormick's 80s Karaoke Night

could possibly
amount to anything

more than a one-night
stand...

...but it did and here
we are and it's perfect.

I guess, you know,
to all those who

want to see how it's done,

how people can and should be
there for each other,

look no further
than table one.

You're a better couple
than we've seen

in our family in a long,
long time.

So, yeah,
in honor of that

I've got a few things
I'd like to say about love.

This friend of mine, Clarence,
once stood up during lunch period

and said he had something
to say about love.

Then he took a dump
on the table.

When Francie
first met Doug,

she just always knew
that he'd never let her down.

But I thought

people almost
always let you down,

so where did that
come from?

Maybe she realized that

whenever he did
let her down,

maybe she'd just be always
ready to forgive him.

Whoo!

Come on up here, Nikki.

Save me, please.

I don't know
what I'm saying anymore.

Maid of honor toast time!

Oh...

Let's go.

What?

She's none of
our business.

Who knows what that girl
will do to herself?

We don't, because we don't
know anything about her.

She's temperamental.
She hasn't had a drink

and now she's puked up
mini hotdogs.

Do none of you care that that
girl is obviously pregnant?

What?
Huh?

You children are
such a disappointment.

Go away, please.

You're right.
Teddy Millner was always rotten.

You don't know me.

No, he was selfish,
rude, mumbling.

Always mumbling.

In love with whatever toy
his mother got him

until she got him
a new one

and then he just
moved right on.

Please go away. Please.

I got his sister Francie
a bird that I found

at a Chinese gift store
in New York City.

Well, Teddy got jealous.

So the next time
I was in New York,

I went out of my way,

skipped a blind date

my aunt tried
to set me up on...

Please get out.
...skipped a date,

to find Teddy the same
bird his sister cherished.

Well, he played with it
for one day!

I never saw the bird again.

My whole life
might have been

something else
if I'd gone on that date.

But what's done is done.

No. Wait.
I know what happened.

He ended it
with a text message

when you told him
you were pregnant.

Oh...

Jesus!

Never doubt
a nanny's intuition.

It's true?
Yes.

Can everybody just
get out of here, please?

So what do we do?

What do you mean,
"What do we do?"

To teach that asshole a lesson.
Oh, Lord.

No, I don't want to do anything
that will jeopardize my freedom

to run my
successful business.

That's right.
Let's just please go back

to the table before
they think we've left.

What do you care what
anyone here thinks, Bina?

Stop. That was
an overreaction, okay?

I had too many of
the mini hotdogs and...

Can we just
forget about it?

That won't be easy.

Teddy Millner
is leaving you

to raise a child alone.
If you even go...

Oh, my God.

If you even go through
with the pregnancy.

Okay, no. This is
no one's business, okay?

We're going back
to the table.

Let's get out of
the ladies' bathroom.

Francie's still my friend,
and I'm not gonna mess up her day

by doing something
to her dumb brother.

What if Francie
never needs to know?

Jerry, stop.
She said she's done with it.

Well, no.

No. For once, I'm not gonna do
the thing I immediately regret.

Renzo, if I gave you
a couple hundred bucks,

could you get a hooker
to wait in Teddy's room?

Oh, I was asking the hotel that very
same question about my own room.

I don't want to get
involved with hookers.

They don't provide them.

You guys probably already know this,
but that's not a question

you're supposed to ask
a fancy place like this

unless you're
a successful businessman.

Which I am.

Are you okay?
You looked like you got sick.

I'm fine. Please get lost.
Excuse me.

Hello. Jerry Kepp.

Diner associate
on the Grotsky side.

Hello.

Did you or did you not
dump this girl

after getting her pregnant?
Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, what's going
on now? I'm just...

I never did like you,
not even as a child.

Teddy Millner, did you dump
this girl immediately

after she told you
she was pregnant?

Okay.

You didn't tell them
what you said.

Wait, what did you say?
What did I say?

She said that we'd be
ridiculous parents.

No, I... Not like that.

Yes, you did.

You said I'd be
a ridiculous father.

You asked me
if I wanted to keep it.

Then I asked you if you
would want to keep it

and you didn't say
anything to that.

So then I said
we were ridiculous.

It was after
you called me ridiculous

because why would you
want to keep our kid

if you thought
that I was just a...

That I was just a joke?

It was before.

And you were looking
for a way out, man!

I get that now.

Everyone we know says
we were wrong together.

Your mother wouldn't
stop saying that

I was not the kind of girl
who ended up with you.

And when it was time for you to
stand up and say that she's wrong

and they're all wrong and
they're idiots and stand by me,

then you ask me
if I want to keep it.

That's your first question.

What was I supposed
to say, El?

I constantly disappoint you.

Then you tell me
that you think our kid

will grow up thinking
that I'm just a joke.

That I was never
good enough for you.

And you finally found
a way to tell me.

And I was so scared
of losing you that

when you told me
you were pregnant,

I asked if you
wanted to keep the kid.

I'm ridiculous
in a million ways.

I am. I know that.

But I can't spend
my whole life

disappointing you

as much as
I disappoint myself.

Shit.

I'm sorry.

Hey, stop.

Teddy! Stop! Teddy!

Leave me alone.

No, Teddy!
No, he doesn't get...

Oh.

Oh, my God.

No, we can fix this.
We can fix this. No, Teddy.

Oh!

Oh! I'm sorry.

I've been hit.

- Oh...
- Shit.

Oh, my God.

Oh...

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

But I'm ridiculous?

Shake it up

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Let's go. Thank you.

Shake it up

Shake it up

Yeah, shake it up

Oh...

You want me to call Mr. Manny
on these people?

I have a confession to make.

I'm not actually
a successful businessman.

I was in prison
because I stole

$125,000 from
the father of the bride.

It was not
a table of honor.

I have a bag of dope
in my room.

Room 115 for the dope

in case
any of you feel that

a bag of dope
would be fun to do.

Not you.

And not you.

You two can drop by and choose
something from the mini fridge.

That was the worst invitation to
anything I've ever received, ever.

Is your room this way?

Or are you just
following us?

Who, me?
Just following.

Honestly, it still sounds
better than junior prom, honey.

Junior prom is a horror show.

Well, if the thinking was for me
to see people at their most happy,

I would have to say that seems
to be a huge miscalculation.

Did you just break
another chair?

What kind of
nanny are you?

Retired.

Wow, the last time
Jerry and I did this

was the last time
Jerry and I had sex.

Three... Actually,
over three years ago.

But no one's counting.

Oh, thank you.

You don't have
to do this.

It might be best.
If Uncle Roger finds out,

he might tell
my parole officer

and then they'd
send me back to jail

or extend my time
at the halfway house.

I share a room with a man
called Jalapeno

who has a smiley
face tattooed

on the end of his penis
so that when he pees

it looks like
it's vomiting sunshine.

He's not as sweet
as he sounds.

Well, then
you shouldn't do it.

Jalapeno doesn't sound like
a good roommate.

No.

I don't know,
unless Uncle Roger

is lurking around outside the door,
I mean...

Is it Uncle Roger?
Nope.

Hi.

I just wanted
to say sorry.

I take things too far.

Usually, I'm the only
one who gets hurt,

but it didn't work out like
that today, so I'm sorry.

Join us.

Or do you have
somewhere else to be?

No.

You know, a whole table
disappeared from a wedding

and I bet
no one even knows.

We can go anywhere,
do anything.

The day is ours.

Hello. My name is Walter
and I'm a successful pothead.

I'm smoking the reefer.

Who smokes pot?
Are you a potter?

- No.
- No?

You're a pothead.

You got a table
with a lot of your friends

Waitin' for your ship
to come in

Folks like me on the job
from nine to five

Concierge, please.

Hi.

Um, can you tell me
when the next ferry arrives?

In about 30 minutes.
Okay. Thanks.

There's a dog
in your bathtub.

See? That's what I
mean about hotel bathtubs.

You know, marriage is
till death do us part.

What does that mean?
Does that mean you're gonna get to heaven

and then you'll be single,

and then do whatever
you want at that point?

Maybe.

Nobody knows
what happens after you die.

You are Romeo and Juliet

and we all wish you
the same happy ending.

Congratulations,
and best of luck.

When I was a kid,
I wanted to be a magician.

I always wanted to be
a nightclub singer.

Fiction writer.

Now I own a diner.

Bina took over
her family's diner.

And I got suckered
into managing it

after we got married
just like she wanted.

Like I wanted?

Who else would've
wanted that?

You asked my father
if you could.

You renamed the family
diner after yourself.

That was your idea.
What?

Uh-huh.

I wanted to be a high school guidance
counselor but instead I went to prison.

You made the right decision.

How did you steal
all that money?

Right. Yeah, well, uh...

Roger got me a job
in his office

when he worked
for the Ford Motor Company.

I'm quite good
with numbers,

so I worked out a way
to steal $125,000.

So I did.

What did you do with it?

Oh, it wasn't for myself.

My friend Eric, who's an absolute
sweetheart, a lovely bloke,

his wife was very sick
and needed an operation.

Well,
then you saved a life.

No. Because it turned out she
wasn't as sick as we thought.

On account of the fact
she didn't exist.

I don't think
he'd ever been married.

What?

He made it up
just for the money.

You just called him
a sweetheart!

He was a lovely bloke.
He was always nice to me.

Except for when he made me
go to prison.

Renzo.
Yeah, what?

What's with the fur tie?

Oh, thank you.

It's pretty dumb.

No, come on.

Yeah, it is. It is.

My mom believed it would

ever so slightly
convey my sexual prowess.

Clonk.

Terrible parents were
my bread and butter.

Remember that suit
I was wearing earlier?

The chaplain from the halfway
house got me that from Goodwill.

And then now I'm wearing
the suit of a beautiful lady.

Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.

You wear it well.

No. I look all right.

Wait. Why didn't
your dad stop you?

Well, this is my dad's,
actually.

He's dead now, which is
why I get to wear it. So...

Did he say...

Yeah.

Sorry for laughing
about your dead dad.

Hey, no... Guys, no.
It's not all that.

I barely knew the guy, so...

Strangers die
all the time, right?

I mean, 150 people
die every second.

150 people right there.

Can't get worked up over it.

You know?

Better?

No, not really.

Thank you for trying.

My junior prom is tonight.

But my mom said I'd

probably have a better chance
here where nobody knew me, so...

I would have
danced with you.

Now, in high school, I certainly
would have danced with you.

And if you want
to dance now,

we can just turn on
the radio and just dance.

I don't think so,
but thank you.

You smiled

You smiled

And then the spell was cast

Now here we are in heaven

'Cause you are mine

At last

Fuck.

Here, Ringo! Here, Ringo.

Wonder how my daughter's
gonna feel not having a dad?

Daughter?

Yeah.

I mean, I know it's too early
to know, but... I know.

Well, I have a request.
Don't call her Jo.

I met you today and you think I'm
gonna name my daughter after you?

No, of course not.

I've been a nanny to a lot
of children who've grown up

and if they don't
see fit...

I really just wanted
to volunteer that

Jo is a good enough
name for a boy,

but a terrible curse
for a girl.

Now let's see,
a girl's name...

The only girl's name I can
think of right now is Nikki.

Well, it won't be
Nikki, so...

Look, it's a wedding
I won't ruin.

I should go back in.

Tell Francie
about the cake.

Let's sit out
for a little while.

The world feels
almost perfect right now.

Crap!

That's cool.
I'm cool.

I know why you came!

You love weddings? Please.

You couldn't get through
our wedding day fast enough.

It's funny it took me
so long because honestly,

Bina, I didn't think you had
it in you to surprise me.

Okay.
Yeah.

You're many things, Bina, but
surprising is not one of them.

When you went to the bathroom in the
nanny's room, you used the phone.

Uh-huh.

I know this because
a little light came on

in the bedroom
when you did that.

Okay.
So, who did you call, Bina?

You only know two people at this
wedding and I'm one of them.

You're arranging to meet with Henry
Grotsky after the wedding's over?

Hmm? Maybe back
in the ballroom

after the happy couple
is gone

and I'm upstairs
in the room?

You're gonna sell our diner
to Henry Grotsky.

You don't out-detective me,
Bina Kepp.

I came to have an affair.

Ha-ha.

No way. I know you.

Bina, an affair?

Bina!

Walter, would you come
with me, please?

Yeah. I'm flattered.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

I should just let you
know that I've got

a little bit of eczema
behind my knees.

And, um, oh, last year
I had a cold sore,

but that was because Jalapeno
was using my washcloth.

And not just on his face.

But, yeah, otherwise,
I'm all fine so

just let me know when you want
to start the intercourse.

What?
What?

What?

Sorry, why am I here?

Not that.

I'm sorry.
Okay.

But no.
No?

Was it talking
about Jalapeno

washing his testicles
that ruined the mood?

Um... Sure.

How bad is it?

Pot.

It's medicinal, right?

We could open our own
ladies' detective agency.

Put Mr. Kepp out of business.

How bad?

Oh, I'd say that

I'm due around
the same time you are.

So?

What did he say?

He said that I should be
in the Woodside

ballroom serving
hors d'oeuvres

because they're
understaffed, apparently.

Did you have a chance
to ask the thing

I sent you over there for?

Oh, yes. Yes. Denny,
who's that man there,

he said that there's
no one registered

under the name
you asked about.

Huh. Did you say
the right name?

Yeah, Denny. It's on his nametag.
I saw it.

Right. Not him.
Oh, Fo, yes.

I said Tom Fo.
"Is there a Tom Fo here?", I said.

And he said...
He said, "No."

Okay. Right.
No Fo.

Yeah.

Sorry.

God, that's so weird.

Walter?

Yes.
Where are you going?

I gotta go and help with
the hors d'oeuvres

in the Woodside ballroom.
Why?

Understaffed.

So, you're not the friendliest
guy in the world.

I am not.

How did you manage
to seduce Bina?

Bad timing? It is bad timing,
I realize that now.

If I tell you this,
will you stop walking with me?

Not sure.
It was summer camp.

I was a junior counselor.
She was a senior counselor.

Honestly, Renzo,
it's no big secret.

Camp does most
of the seducing.

Less often than you think.
Oh.

Well, for me,
I was okay at dancing.

Probably better than okay.
So we danced.

And that's it.
That's all it takes.

Find out the one thing
you're good at,

make sure the girls
know about it.

Even if it's something
very private?

My understanding of women
seems poor right now.

I'd say go with your gut.

Ah...

Francie doesn't even
remember me, does she?

Ah, those rotten kids.

What did you
ever see in that boy?

I can't even
think about it.

What if you came here
for a different reason today?

What if you went away
with someone better?

What if I know how to find
your wedding crasher?

Go with your gut.
Go with your gut. Go with your gut.

Megan-Ann, Mr. Pfaffler,

you probably
don't remember me.

We're not going to
talk about it.

Of course not.

Let's just watch the kid
in his moment of triumph.

There is something I forgot to mention
the first time I arrived here,

and that is that I
have a gigantic penis.

Excuse me?
Oh, my God!

Oh...

Oh, shit.

That's disgusting.
This wedding is over for you.

I need you to give me
the phone number of somebody

that I can call to get you out
of here right now.

Oh! Mmm-mmm.

So...
Mr. Pfaffler said he's gonna call my mom.

And the girl?

She started to cry.

I think I didn't
describe it appealingly.

We'll work on the wording
before you try again.

You're coming with me.

Hello, friend.
Just stay right there.

Is this the guy you meant?

Nope. I'm pregnant
with his baby,

but not the guy
I'm looking for.

Wow. One cigarette break and
you miss an awful lot, right?

Oh. This guy?

That guy, this guy.
Huck something.

Yeah. I know who that guy is,
but his name is not Huck.

No one's really named
Huck anymore.

Oh, shit.

Right.

Okay, let's go.

Come on!
Yeah.

Only you
are my shining star

Don't you go away

Yeah, baby

Wanna be right here
where you are

Until my dying day

Yeah, baby

Nice bit of cake?

Oh, Nanny Jo,
everybody...

Sorry it's taken us
so crazy long to get here.

We're so glad
you could all make it.

You're the Kepps, right?
Yeah.

My mom says
your fries are better

than the ones in
all of my dad's diners.

Well, that's not what I thought
I'd leave with here today,

but it's something,
so thank you.

Sure.

We hope it all
works out for you.

It'd be great if it did.

Cousin Walter?
I'm glad you could come.

Thank you
for inviting me.

It was simply amazing.

Truly wonderful day.

Oh, thank you.

Ah.

He's such a great guy.
Yeah.

Sorry about being
so far away from you today.

No.

I felt like we weren't even
in the same place, you know?

No. It's the same wedding no matter
what table you're at, right?

Yeah.

I'm so glad you came over because
I was just saying I'm so tired.

Gonna head out.
Oh. Okay. Yeah.

Okay, so...

You look so beautiful.
Thank you.

And congratulations
or best wishes

or whatever
you're supposed to say.

And this was great.

Bye, guys.

Have a good night.

Hey.

I know I'm probably
the last person

in the world you ever
want to see again.

And I get that.
Totally understand.

And it will probably suck
for you to have to

see me again
under any circumstances

which is why
I wanted to say that

whatever happened between
us and however it ended

I think, you know,

I could be
a really good dad,

probably,
if you'll just...

If you'll let me.

So, that's it.

Goodbye.

What are you doing?

I don't know
how you fixed this,

but it really
meant a lot.

Well, it's been so
great to catch up with you all.

I hope you all
got to dance

to your heart's
content.

Do you still have
the golden bird?

Oh, Nanny Jo.

You don't even
remember it, do you?

No, of course I do.

I don't know why I should
be embarrassed about this,

but I lost it almost immediately
after you gave it to me.

I cried so hard
Teddy gave me his.

He was always
good like that.

Francie,
we should go.

Okay.

Thanks again for coming,
everyone.

It wouldn't have been
the same without you.

Please proceed to the docks

to see off
Mr. and Mrs. Douglas Grotsky.

What is it with you people?

Teddy Millner is the sweetest
child I've ever known.

- Teddy!
- Teddy!

I don't see him.

Did he get on? Teddy!

Teddy!

Teddy!

Oh, my God!

Wait!

Too late! Sorry!

I was wrong!

What?

It's crazy!
It is! It so is!

It's crazy!
After everything.

Sweetheart,
you're embarrassing yourself!

Shut up, Nikki!

Shut up.
What?

I can't not be
in love with you.

You screw up all the time.

But so do I. Way worse!

Great toast, folks!
Goodnight!

The baby's a screwup!

Perfect, thank you.
The baby is a...

Wait, what baby?

It's a great screwup!
It's this perfect screwup!

What?

I don't want to be disappointed
by anybody but you!

And I don't want to
disappoint anybody but you.

What are you saying?

Please.

It was Tom Fo,
wasn't it?

What does it matter who?

Doesn't matter,
not at all.

I just like being
a good detective.

Gives me something.

Well, he never showed up,

so it really
doesn't matter who.

You know what they say?
Showing up is 90% of love.

Yeah, and not being an
asshole is the other 10%.

He didn't show up. I did.

No, you didn't.

Neither did I.

And the people we were
supposed to become together,

they never showed up.

Was there ever a time you
would have done that for me?

Just, like, shout out
across a lake at me,

in front of a bunch
of strangers,

about how you
really felt about me?

We shout at each other in front
of strangers all the time.

I'll take that as a no.

Would you do that for me?

Well, the you then
or you now?

I'm the same.

No, I'm the same.

No, not really.

The Bina I married
would never cheat on me.

Well, the Jerry
I married...

What?

What?

The Jerry
you married what?

How am I different?

Because I'm not.

So stop saying I am.
It's not fair.

The Jerry I married
loved me.

Yeah, that's what
I thought. Okay.

We're ridiculous.

We're ridiculous?

Yeah, everyone
is ridiculous, Jerry!

Okay? You deal with it
'cause you have to!

Do you?
Yeah, you do! That's life!

You're ridiculous
and a mess!

And you still hope that
you'll find someone

who'll think that you're
okay enough to be loved.

Is that what life is?
Yeah, it is.

And it's really weird that
you don't know that by now!

Where are we?

Guys?

Where did they go?

That's the wrong way.

Well, I don't know
which way we're going.

Wasn't there a shortcut here?
We missed it.

I showed up.

Oh, I heard
what you said

to the dumb girl
at table seven.

Well, I didn't
word it right.

No, you're okay.

Congratulations.

Uh...

Hey, I got these.
Room 430.

Maybe in a couple of years.

Wait, really?

Okay, it's booked.
A few years from now.

Room 430. I'll be there!

I'll see you
in a couple of years!

Yes!

Hey.

Is there anything left?

Not unless you count the lingering
melancholy that once was joy.

She means cake.

Oh. Then, yeah.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Oh!

Is it good?

Yeah, really good.

Oh, shit.

What did you say?
Oh, my Lord!

Holy shit!

What did you say
back there? It was...

What did you do?

It was hard to hear,

you know, with, like,
the wind and Nikki

in my ear,
and then,

when I got on the railing,
everybody started shouting.

And then underwater,
you can't,

like, hear anything
underwater.

But it sounded like,

you know,

you were getting
to something good.

Um...

Uh... It was like

about how,
if you're, shit,

ready to be, like, the person
who always forgives me,

then I want to be the person
who always forgives you.

I don't know,
it was better than that.

That's really good.

Can we do that?

Let's do that.
Okay.

Moving forward
using all my breath

Making love to you
was never second best

I saw the world thrashing
all around your face

Never really knowing
it was always mesh and lace

I'll stop the world
and melt with you

You've seen the difference

And it's getting better
all the time

There's nothing
you and I won't do

I'll stop the world
and melt with you

Dream of better lives
The kind which never hate

You should see

Dropped in a state
of imaginary grace

You should know better

I made a pilgrimage
to save this human's race

You should see

Goodnight, Mom.

Goodnight, Teddy.

Bye, Carol.

Thought you
didn't have family.

The evidence is mounting up
against you, Walter.

Renzo,
your study buddy is here!

Hey. Here's your mail.

Thanks.

Hi.

Please don't slam
the door, even for that.

Ringo?

You're gonna make him fat.

Oh, yeah, I am.

Well, we are.

Here you go, Ringo.

Okay, you're sure
you didn't forget anybody?

I told you a million times,
okay? I didn't forget anybody.

Sorry. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Okay, so this
is the last batch of...

Teddy, where's the baby?

Baby. Oh, man!

Come on, man.
I know, I'm sorry.

It's just, you know,
if you forget the baby...

I'm not sure
I believe you when you say

you didn't forget
any of our friends.

Hi!

Here he is.
Aw!

The world's best dad
when you don't forget

our baby
in the empty apartment.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Hello, my old heart

Hello, my old heart

Hello, my old heart

Hello, my old heart