TV: The Movie (2006) - full transcript

( dramatic music intro )

( cheerful music
playing on TV )

I'm bored.

Man on TV:
Hey dudes, are you bored?

Yeah, we are.

Well, spice up your life
with a big fat party guy.

That sounds great!

Shipped to your door
in just three days...

( rock music blaring )

( all shouting )

( whooping, hollering )



Check me out!
I'm Elvis!

Look at me!
I'm fuckin' Elvis!

( Shouting )

( music blaring )

You don't know me!

And if you act now,
you'll also get...

Let's burn this
motherfucker down!

He's a four foot
finger fucking fireball.

( whooping, hollering )

( glass breaking )

( yelling )

( siren wails )

Who called the fucking cops?

( beeping, dispatch chatter )



Today, we are conducting a raid
on a illegal fireworks ring.

Cuidado, cabron!
Cuidado, cabron!

- ( tires screech )
- Get out of the way!

( "Tijuana Cops"
theme song playing )

Cop: Cabron!
( speaking Spanish )

- We got no insurance, man.
- No insurance?

Ay, cabron!

Let's go find the fireworks.

Pinche illegal fireworks.

( speaking Spanish )

( yelling in Spanish )

Bueno, you will pay!

Now we will demonstrate
a technique

on taking down
a fruit stand.

Together:
"Tijuana Cops"!

- ( sound of whip cracking )
- Together: Ah-hoo!

( speaking Spanish )

( dramatic music intro )

( helicopter blades whirring )

Congratulations to all of you
for making it

to the second round of
The Real "Fear Factor."

You are that much closer
to $50,000.

Through a random selection...

Greg has been
chosen to go first
for our next...

( buzzer buzzes )

Standing between you Greg
and $50,000 is Mario.

Toughest gang member
in the institution.

He's been led out
of solitary confinement

for the first time
in five years.

What?

You will have 30 seconds

in which time
you must disarm Mario,

shank him enough times so both
of his knees hit the ground...

- What?
- ...and then run out of there.

If you do not do this
within 30 seconds,

- the cell doors open...
- Open it up!

...and you'll be brutally
gang raped in the laundry room.

I'm not afraid to kill!

- What?
- You feeling lucky, Greg?

Woman:
Come on, Greg,
you got this.

- Well, it is 50 grand, right?
- Well worth it.

- Yeah.
- Okay, you're gonna go in
and be strip searched...

- Yeah.
- ...and then on my count

- you're gonna move fast, right?
- Uh, yeah.

- Let's go, Greg.
- Right now?

Yes.
Time's a wasting.

Woman:
Come on, Greg.

( clears throat )

Run, Greg!

Man:
Go, Greg! Come on, buddy.

Greg:
He's mine!

Let's go check the monitors.
This is gonna be great.

Okay, Greg is now being
strip searched.

( glove snaps )

Now we have the black covering
the private parts.

We don't want him to have any
unfair advantage,

bring a weapon in with him.

- Ugh!
- Oh.

Mm, you look good to me,
white boy--

Goldilocks.

- Are you ready, Greg?
- Greg: Yes, I am!

- On my count.
- Okay.

Three, two, one.

- Go, Greg!
- ( door buzzer buzzes )

( music playing )

Hi I'm Steve-O.

And I don't know about you,
but I am filthy fucking rich.

And I get laid a lot.

I'm always parking.
in the pink zone.

Unfortunately,

not every sausage holster
I deal with

is exactly clean.

Not every fur burger I munch

is very hygienic.

That's why I choose,

Trojun, high-risk condoms.

When you know
that bitch has something.

Use Trojun,
high risk condoms...

because you can't afford
for that shit to break.

Let's go back
upstairs, baby.

I am gonna park the beef bus
in turd town.

Ya-hoo!

Ugh!

...Three, two, one.

- ( door buzzes )
- Go, Greg!

( inmates cheering )

Inmate:
Stuff his butt-hole!

( door buzzer buzzes )

( emergency siren sounding )

No! No! No!

Oh, whoa, yes.
A lot of those guys
are very fast.

- ( men shouting )
- No! No! No!

Yeah, bring that
little bitch down.

We're gonna take him
to the laundry room.

No! No!

And I'm gonna give him
some of this shit.

That's right.

Yes, he's--
he's really no match for them.

No! No! No!

No, you son of a bitch!

I didn't sign
the paperwork!

Perspiration
is lubrication.

( hysterical laughter )

Hey Jimbo,
you're next.

- I'm not gay!
- Say my name, bitch!

I don't know your name!

- I didn't sign the paperwork!
- Yeah, you signed up for this!

There's no fucking way.

My ass is worth
far more than 50 grand.

- Suck my dick!
- No!

Ah, oh my God!

- Fuck!
- Ah! Did I win?

No! Oh!

Announcer:
Coming to Fox in May...

( screeching )

Whose nose is this?

You know me.
I don't even wear a nose.

Whose nose is this?

I don't "nose"
whose nose it is.

( audience laughs )

Announcer:
It's "Gay Clowns." on Fox

What the--

Whose makeup
is this on your boxers?

- Who?
- Not mine.

( squeaks )

Okay, Karen.

Are you ready
to suck a mile of cock?

- ( dramatic music plays )
- ( zipper unzip )

Now take your time.

You're not on the clock...

and you don't
have to swallow.

Good luck.

- ( zippers unzip )
- ( dramatic music plays )

"MTV Pads," yeah.

( hard rock music playing )

Welcome to my Pad, dude.

- Sir, can you not film us?
- Oh yeah. Oh, I'm sorry.

If you don't know,
the cops just came in.

Come on in.

( hard rock music playing )

Finally,
welcome to my Pad.

God damn, you guys couldn't
even set up your equipment.

And that's how much
the cops are on me.

I'm fucking hard.

Look around,
this is where I live.

( laughing )

We're trying to do Pads
to get me back on television

'cause my career
has mellowed out a lot.

Hey, I'm on fucking
T.V. again.

The cops are just
player-hating me.

I might not have been
on television for a while

but I'm about to come back
fucking hard.

Hard as a fucking rock.

( siren blaring,
helicopter blades whirring )

( gun cocks,
shot rings out )

( rap music playing )

♪ Oh yeah, uh huh ♪

♪ Yeah huh,
there's a new boy in town ♪

♪ And I don't like
to frown ♪

♪ That's why I lay
it down ♪

- ♪ Damn ♪
- ♪ Steve-O's a gangster ♪

♪ Whack it, smack it,
let's make a racket ♪

♪ I'm so tough,
I always attack it ♪

♪ You know
he's a gangster ♪

♪ Sniff it, lick it, ♪

♪ put my wiener in it ♪

♪ The way I ball,
I cool kid ♪

♪ The cold ass hustler
rager's on the run ♪

♪ This hard ass gangster's
got a hundred guns ♪

♪ You know my skills
gonna pay some bills ♪

♪ Pimp tank
in the Hollywood hills ♪

♪ He's riding,
sliding, ♪

♪ dipping,
sipping, busting magic ♪

♪ You know
he's the player ♪

♪ My weed ain't bunk,
I like to get drunk ♪

♪ The way I move I make
the whole house crunk ♪

♪ He's so hard ♪

♪ Hard ♪

♪ Hard as a rock ♪

( gunshot )

Are you sick and tired
of the same old

reality crap that you
see everywhere else?

Well, this is my show.
A different show.

A kickass
motherfucking show.

Check it,
as I put the lid

on the some dumb kid
in his dorm room.

I'm gonna try
and stay in college

for like ten fucking
years dude.

Yeah, bro.

- They can pick my shit.
- This ones to college, yeah!

- Yeah
- Whoo!

Yeah I think
it's fairly obvious

that Chad is a slacker,
stoner, waste of sperm,

polo wearing idiot.

Uh, he's been
in college for six years,

he likes to go
to frat parties.

He tries to bone chicks
when he has no success.

And he also enjoys
faggoty sing-a-longs

with his sensitive friends.

Basically,
his parents have asked me

to pay him a little visit.

And who am I
to say no.

Check this out.

♪ Rainbows and colors ♪

( screams )

Get over here, over here.

( Yelling )

Yeah!

What are
you doing to me?

- I want my mom, dude.
- I'm your mama now, bitch.

- What are you doing to me?
- Quit your squirming, pussy.

What the fuck
is going on?

( screams )

Not cool man.
Leave him alone.

Shut the fuck up!

Yeah! Woo!

Booya, bitches.

Chad:
Don't you know who I am?

I'm gonna fucking
show all of you!

Don't you know
who my fucking dad is?

Television host:
At ease, soldier.

Actually Chad,
I do know who your parents are.

They're the ones
who sent me, buddy.

All right?
Let me explain
something to you.

They want you to stop
being such a fucking loser, man.

No, my parents!
Look what your parents signed.

You're
in the army now!

Dude,
isn't that awesome!

No!

I need you to pull
yourself together.

I need you
to get in Iraq
a-crack-a-lackin'

'cause you're going on
an all-expenses-paid

trip to fucking
Iraq for the summer, bro.

- Chad: No!
- Worthington!

Chad:
Oh, no, no,no!

- You fucking maggot.
- What the fuck?

Worthington.

You are a slimy piece
of walrus shit.

You fucking scumbag.

I got your name,
I got your ass.

I'm gonna cut your balls off
so you can not contaminate

the rest of
the world.

You will not laugh,
you will not cry.

Now get the fuck up.

- ( roars )
- ( screams )

Whoo!
My show, bring it.

You will learn
by the numbers

I will teach you.
You fucking scumbag.

But at least
he's making friends.

( Laughing )
Psych!

Yeah!

( snoring )

Come on!
That's what I'm talking about.

Wake up scumbag,
we got a present for ya.

I want you
to lick it clean, scumbag.

I want this head so clean
the Virgin Mary herself

would be proud
to take a dump in it.

- No, no, no.
- Stick his face
in it boys.

Television host:
All right, that's enough guys.

That's enough. Chad!

Chad, bro, bro.
None of this is real, dog.

Ew, you smell
like shit.

Listen man,
this is a whole sound stage.

- What are you--
- You're parents
still love you, dude.

What are you talking about?
I just ate shit, dude.

This is Van Nuys,
California,

you're not really
even in the army bro.

This has all been a prank,
you're on my show, dog!

These guys,
they're actors.

Hi. Manny Dijonnaise,
it was wonderful
working with you.

I'm-- I'm on T.V.?

Yeah dude,
that's what I'm telling you.

- On my show!
- Right now?

I did this!

No way dude,
good to meet you man,

good to meet you.
That's awesome, dude.

For being
such a good sport, dude,

I'm gonna offer you
a kickass t-shirt,

a "you're in the army"
t-shirt

and a "you're in the army"
trucker hat.

Fucking sweet dude.
No way!

Uh, thank you,
thank you.

Hi Mom!

- Hi Mom, Hi Dad!
- Thank you so much
for doing it.

Oh, God,
that's awesome!

I'm the biggest thing
to hit the rap scene in so long.

Like fuck you,
America, your warnings.

( groans )

( groans )

He's out.
One, two, three, he's out.

How am I even
fucking here.

Haven't we been
filming fucking Pads

for like hours?
How long has it been?

Fucking how long?
Twenty three minutes.

Did you at least
get my carpet?

Ah damn it,
it's like fuck-a.

Ow! Shit.

This is the most expensive
computer in the world.

Dude, the first loin cloth
that I even made.

God damn it.

I'm okay, fucking,
into the kitchen,

my kitchen,
oh yeah!

( muttering )

Bathroom.

( muttering )

( retches )

Time for you
to get out of here.

Now we're
going to bust

the illegal
fireworks ring in this shack.

Man:
Policia!

( speaking Spanish )

Uno, dos, tres.

- ( whooping )
- Hey!

- Qué haces?
- What's wrong?

- Where are the fireworks?
- Next door!

- They're next door, man.
- What's that?

It's powdered milk
for the kids.

- Oh.
- Good day.

Community service.
Have a nice day.

( speaking Spanish )

- This must be it.
- This right here?

- ¿Sí, listo?
- Listo, vamos!

Uno, dos, tres!

( screaming )

Cabrona!

Illegal fireworks.
They're dangerous.

Take some for me.

Why the long face, fella?

My best friend Stewart
can't hang out with me.

He's got gonorrhea.

Gonorrhea comes from Italy,
I think.

Let's call next door
to the pizzeria

and ask Luigi
to come over.

( speaking Italian )

Luigi, you're an "I-talian."
Tell us what gonorrhea is.

Gonorrhea.
Now that's a spicy discharge.

Now,
that's interesting.

Tell us some more, Luigi.

Oh it'll turn
your sausage into a hot pepper.

- Mama mia.
- And it'll kill you.

Ice cream man:
Rumored to be invented
by a Red Communist scientist,

Gonorrhea
is an airborne,

communicable disease
that boys can get from girls.

Just breathing
the same air

could cause
a pus-infected, fiery death.

( insect grunting )

Wow, thanks colonel.

All right, be good
so you won't go to hell

like your little friend
Stewart.

Uh, you want a cone
for the road, buddy?

( crashing )

Announcer:
FNN nine o'clock news.

With America's
top rated news personality,

Cathy Ace.

( glass shatters, cat yowls )

And Dick Weston
Fernandez.

He saves babies.

( babies cooing )

( bullet ricochets )

Good evening,
and thank you for choosing FNN.

Yes, thank you
for thinking of us.

And now we go live
via satellite to hell,

with a very,
very special interview

with Satan himself.

- Hey, Satan!
- Yeah dude.

Would you consider
yourself

kind of a ladies'
man, Satan?

Well now, I'll tell you,
this girl's

about to get
a big, fat horse dong

right in the tail pipe.

Well, Satan.

Why don't you quickly
get on your knees
and hit the hog.

Pound
the bologna pony.

( grunting )

( Laughing )
Yeah, dude.

( Satan laughing )

- ( moaning )
- Wow, so--

Yeah, dude.

If I was just standing
on my board

on the top going
fifteen miles an hour,

And you slammed
on the brakes,

- I would go launching forward.
- You'd get launched.

( brakes screech )

Man:
Yeah!

( cheering )

Ryan motherfucking
Simonetty.

Okay, agent XXXL,

You've been briefed
on your mission, motherfucker.

You got any questions,
motherfucker?

Just one.

You work for a major
government organization,

why the fuck
can't they fix your face?

'Cause we got
a horrible medical plan,

you fat, jive, turkey,
honky motherfucker.

Now when you get
to Doctor Von Lankin's compound,

you'll face his nefarious
Minjas, motherfucker.

Minjas?

- Midget Ninjas.
- Sweet corn-fed Jesus.

Boy, Jesus was a black man,
Jesus has a Jheri curl.

That's right.
A-- wig with a chin strap.

He was pimpin'.

He had a liquor store.
You just make sure

your fat,
motherfucking ass

hits the drop point
behind this house

so your fat ass
won't be spotted.

I live for this shit.
I'm as stealth as they come.

Yes, you as fat
as they come, motherfucker.

( whooshing )

( grunts )

Hit me.

Oh doctor,
you're so smooth.

I know,
my little puppies.

I know.

( screaming )

Sir, we have
a big problem.

So, I see the
government sent

it's best X-X-X
million dollar man.

Best men are for weddings,
I'm here for the funeral.

Well, I hope
you like a closed casket,

cause I'm gonna mess
you up big time.

Correction,
small time.

Ninjas attack!

( squealing )

( hissing )

Let's go.

( grunting )

( growling )

How many times
have you tried losing weight?

Only to find that you're
not losing any weight?

Well, now there's
a new way.

A final way,
to get off those extra pounds.

Beef Ramington:
Space-age technology

makes Diet-phram
simple to use.

Swallow Diet-phram,
eat what you want

and remove later,
at your own convenience.

It couldn't
be any easier.

Time to ask
the tough question, Satan.

If Jesus was here
in the room right now,

what'd you say?

Ah, me and Jesus,
we don't have beef.

It's just that he's
a faggot

and I can kick his ass.

When you're not busy
being Satan,

where do you summer?

When I'm not busy
being Satan, what?

You know,
where do you summer?

Vacation?

My vacation is you,

Satan:
hitting the hog.

( groaning )

I think you've
said plenty, Satan.

Announcer:
It's "Girls Gone Bonkers,"

real videos
from the halls

of the lower Missouri
mental facility.

Okay, see you
later, buddy.

Announcer:
"Girls Gone Bonkers."

The video their parents
didn't want you to see.

From the people
who brought you

"Executions Gone Wrong,"
too hot for T.V.

it's "Girls Gone Bonkers."

( shouting gibberish )

Announcer:
It's "Girls Gone Bonkers,"

all the wacky titties

you can handle
all night.

( shouting gibberish )

Announcer:
"Jackass Dolls,"
first in the series,

Wee Man.

My Wee Man's broken.

Shh, he's sleeping.

Announcer:
And he's naughty, too.

64 D-cell
batteries required.

Doll drinks responsibly.

I'm Michael Moore,
and I'm here

at my doctor's office.

I'm making a sequel
to last year's hit documentary,

"Super Size Me,"

This is "Extrasize Me."

( heart beating )

Those bastards,

how long have you
been doing this experiment?

Your body is ruined.

I haven't actually
started yet.

My God.
Your cholesterol
is through the roof

and you have no liver.
Literally, it's gone.

And you're having a heart
attack right now.

Really?
This happens all the time.

It's not gonna happen today.

Well, nobody dies
on my shift, big buddy.

The doctor
and I decided that

"Extrasize Me" might not be
the best documentary

for me right now.
So I've changed the game plan.

I've decided to buy
and consume as much cocaine

as I possibly
can in the next thirty days.

And if my drug dealer
asks me if I want to eight ball,

I have to upgrade.
This is "Eight Ball Me."

So you want some fucking
booger sugar, huh?

How much do you want
to get, dog?

- I'll take a gram.
- That's tight, that's tight.

You sure you
just don't want a eight ball?

- All right.
- Step up fool, let's roll.

( snorting )

Shit, you're having
a fucking heart attack!

What the fuck?
What the fuck,

get the fuck out
of my fucking house, dude.

Oh, fuck.

No, but I asked this one,
he knows how to pistol whip

a man and not
leave no marks.

He's a professional.

Ay cabron!
A professional, sí.

I got written up
so many times before

I learned this technique.

- ( speaking Spanish )
- Hold on a minute.

Get your pistola and you
hold it right here like this.

- Show the camera.
- Like this, you hold it...

( speaking Spanish )

You say,
Toma, guey!

Toma, guey!
Otra vez.

Toma, guey!

See no bruise.
I used to pistol whip

- like this or like that.
- Or like this.

Toma, guey!

No, that's bad.
You get written up.

( speaking Spanish )

You taught me that,
mi amigo, my partner.

Cabron.

Learned it as a child.

-( speaking Spanish )
- What's that noise?

- Let's put on the light switch.
- ( shouting )

- Turn on the lights.
- Fuck you, beaners!

Ah, it looks like
we have trouble.

Yeah, sweet dude!

( speaking Spanish )

Put your hands out
where we can see them.

( speaking Spanish )

- What?
- ( speaking Spanish )

Which one of you
had the weed,

Abercrombie,
or bitch, cabron?

- We ain't got no weed mad.
- Who's got the weed?

Who's got the weed?
Come here.

Damn it,
we don't have any weed, man.

We just came for some titties,
we just came for some titties.

Mira.
See, guey.

( groans )

( shouting in Spanish )

Toma, toma!

This is for Salma Hayek!

This is for everybody.
Who's next?

I'm Jeffery Sutton,
masturbation trainer.

Being in touch
with your body

and masturbating
are not bad.

It's your body,
take charge.

Think about how good
you feel while masturbating.

Your body needs love.
Don't be afraid
to give it to it.

It took me years,
living in my parents' basement

to perfect the techniques
I'm bringing to you.

Techniques such as:

Wind cooling.

The process
of using a fan

to cool your hand down
to a temperature your body

will not recognize
as it's own.

Or sitting on your hand
until it falls asleep.

And then you
can take advantage of it.

Announcer:
Send check or money order to:

Jeffery Sutton.

Care of Jeffery Sutton's
parent's house.

Masturbation not legal

in Pennsylvania, Utah,
Alabama, Rhode Island

Tennessee
and some parts of Texas.

Announcer:
And next up,

it's Lexis from Texas
with the strongest neck

in the west.
If you know what I mean.

As a professional dancer,

I know the importance
of staying in shape.

And between
my stage performance,

my drug addictions,
and my regular visits
to the STD clinic,

I don't have
a lot of time for exercise.

Neckercise
was engineered by a team

of world renowned
scientists.

They designed
what four out of five
titty dancers agree,

is the perfect
balance of strength
and endurance.

Man:
Oh, yeah!

Time is money,
and client satisfaction
is everything.

That's why
I choose Neckercise.

It's hotter than
a motherfucker, shit.

Man, what's taking
them so long.

Damn, I'm tired
of this shit.

- Yup.
- Ah, this. Here they come.

You said "boat,"

not three hundred
fucking boats, shit dick.

Are you guys sure
you're not cops?

- Do we look like cops?
- You look like my dick.

You got the money?

- Yeah, you got the yeah?
- Yeah I got the yeah.

- You got the money?
- Yeah.

Hey shut the fuck up
about the money and the yeah.

Thank you,
where is the money?

- Close.
- How close?

In my pocket.

Sweet. Alright,
let's do this shit.

Let me test
this shit.

Come on, man.

You didn't
even put your face in it.

You sure you're
not a cop?

- Come on, man.
- Man, what the fuck?

You didn't even take it.

Come on stick
that big ass head in there.

Oh, yeah!

Man, I didn't say
face fuck it.

Would a cop do that? Yeah.

All right,
that's the real shit there.

Now give me the money
give me the money, pubic hair.

Pull that shit out.
You want some more
of this, big head?

Here you go, buddy.

What the fuck is that?
Miami Mice, suckers.

Oh shit!

Let's get these
motherfuckers.

Hell yeah!

What the hell?
Come back.

Bring your ass back here.

Trade me your board
for this gun, dude.

Thanks.

( laughs, grunts )

Fuckers, stay down.

Give me the board.
I'll shoot you, fucker.

You're gonna have to catch me,
motherfucker,

I'm a be
a hard ass prisoner.

Come on, brother.

Can't you give
a brother a break?

Yeah, I'm gonna give
you a break, all right.

I'll fucking shoot
you in the back, fucker.

Stop.

Fuck you.

( shouting )

Is there
a problem, officer?

Not anymore,
motherfucker.

Did that hurt?

( shouts )

You fucking shot me, dick.

( yelling )

You know,
Cathy recently sat down

with Jesus
and openly discussed
his being spotted

at numerous Hollywood
hot spots.

His ban from all state
lotteries and casinos.

And living
with his father

for so many years.

I lived with my dad

for about three
thousand years.

That was a long time.

I couldn't get any privacy.

Well, Jesus,
I must say I like
your new apartment.

If you want,
you can spend
the night here.

And um.
Well, I don't think

there's room
with all the pizza boxes.

Well, let's get
to some questions.

I've heard a rumor.

Can't do anymore lottery.

I fixed the winner,
whatever, the roll.

- Jesus magic.
- Yeah.

- And you'd win?
- A lot.

I'm banned
from playing anywhere

in the United States now.
To play lottery,

I have to go
to other countries like Africa.

They probably
don't give you much.

But the men
there are gorgeous,
and they are hung.

That's what I've heard.
Where did I hear that?

Where did I--

- Colin Farrell.
- Oh my god, he's gorgeous.

Now this is a question
that I think

a lot of people
are dying to know.

Boxers or briefs?

Cathy, I'm
gonna show you.

Oh, Jesus,
Jesus.

I'm sorry,
I was just feeling
a little naughty.

Well I guess
I asked the question, didn't I.

You did, I hope
you liked the answer.

Whoo boy!

I said U.S.A.

I like very much
and keep rubbing out
the good stuff.

If you know what I mean.

( officers speaking Spanish )

Picking you up for DUI.

I'm not even driving.

Cállate!

Sobriety test,
touch your nose

with your pinkies.

- ( speaks Spanish )
- Touch your toes.

Jump up and down.

Like that,
that's good,

jump up and down.
Drop it like it's hot.

Drop it like it's hot,
get crunk with it,

get crunk with it.
That's good.

- ( speaks Spanish )
- Is that reggaeton?

Reggaeton,
what's reggaeton?

That new music like,

- Yeah. Yeah.
- ( speaking Spanish )

( chanting, whooping )

Yeah. Okay, you know
what the maximum sentence
for a DUI is in Mexico?

Five years
mandatory prison.

In an all chica prison.

Where they all
have her liquor license.

I have money.

What! You can't buy us
with your money.

We don't need
you stinking pesos.

Cabrona!

Well,
what do you guys want?

( shouting, moaning )

Officers:
Tijuana cops!

Announcer:
Six MBA contenders
compete for the job

as a drug lord apprentice
in "El Apprentice."

Feared by his peers
and idolized

by aspiring entrepreneurs
across the globe,

he's known
for his killer instincts.

Welcome to my mansion.

This is my
close associate,

Punisher, and this is
my other close associate,

Strawberry Jones.

I know you're very,
very happy to be here.

You're happy, right?

Okay, I'm going
to send you on a couple of tasks

and the one
who finish all the tasks,

is going to be
my apprentice.

Punisher,
what are you doing?

Boss, I got
a little excited, you know?

Don't get excited
like that.

There's going to be
plenty of killing.

Before we begin
the mission,

I want to know
does anybody have
any questions.

Yes, I have
a question.

Never ask questions,
only do what you're told.

A gangbanger's funeral
here in East Los Angeles.

Little Sleepy
was killed recently,

and they're throwing
this funeral for him.

His homies
are all about him.

He's survived
by Big Puppet,

Little Puppet,
La Sad Girl,

and five Asian orphans
from La Puente.

He meet them
at a pai gow tournament.

it's a long story.

Why did he die?
Senseless, senseless act.

Maybe because
he spray painted a wall.

A wall on my house.

Maybe 'cause
he jacked a car. My car.

Maybe he took off
the rear side view mirrors

of my car
and that's why
he deserved to die.

That's right, pussy,
you deserved to die.

You ain't all that,
you pussy.

How about your childhood,

'cause to be honest with you

I've seen a lot of movies.

And it's always
about you dying.

I'm always like, oh,
Jesus is dying again.

But I never get
to find out

what were you like
when you were a kid.

Did you smoke cigarettes,
hang out with your buddies?

Childhood
really began for me

when I first took
a bubble bath with my uncle.

Well, you gotta
keep clean.

Let's talk about
your mommy.

Virgin Mary.

You think it's true
that she was a virgin?

I'm-- I'm sorry
this interview is over.

Jesus, I'm just talking
about your mommy.

No it's over, it's over.
Get out of here.

Get out of here.

And I-- I hope
you enjoy burning in hell

'cause that's just where
you're going, Mister--

Ma'am, whatever you are.

- Jesus, Jesus.
- Get out of here.

Wow, what the hell
was that?

Oh, the interview's
not over,

we'll be airing
the rest of it tomorrow night

when Jesus discusses
his tell all book.

And talks about his ongoing feud
with the Dalai Lama.

( chuckles )
That sounds amazing, Cathy.

Well, we had to release
Jimmy Winks and Stingray

because you two used
excessive force on 'em.

Chief says you little guys
are in big trouble.

Lieutenant,
what do you expect

from a couple
little guys like us

in a big world like that.

Yeah, you sittin' around
in this air conditioned room

while we are out there
risking our life.

Come on,
it's 80 degrees out there,
you little bastards.

Now get on out there
and find the missing $6 million.

We know it's in Sting Ray's
warehouse somewhere.

Now get.

Shit.

Yes, lieutenant?

On second thought, uh,
come take some dictation.

Light me up, baby.

Hey look, a pony.
Whoa man, I love ponies.

Everybody loves ponies.

That's a good-looking
pony, man.

You thinkin'
what I'm thinkin'?

Let's fuck
the shit out of it.

- Let's let him in.
- Let's go.

- Hey guys, look.
- We got a pony.

♪ I hate myself ♪

Together:
Miami Mice, motherfuckers.

Oh, shit.

( shouting )

- You motherfucker!
- Ugh!

I'm gonna get you!

Tubs!

Check out
the $6 million

the lieutenant
was talking about.

Damn, that's
a lot of cheddar.

We better
do the right thing.

( cell phone rings )

What?

The chief?

Tell him we don't
have his $6 million.

- Is that the chief?
- Yeah.

Tell him we spent the money
and he can suck my dick.

- You got that?
- ( phone disconnects )

- Boys.
- He bugs.

What's up honey?
Are those our cocktails?

Mm-mm-mm.

Heaven must be taking a recess
and I bullshit you not.

Enjoy.

Oh, this
is the life, baby.

This is the life.

Male voice on TV:
Niño's, is your piñata
out of candy?

¿No dulces?

Nothing on the pinche T.V.?

Well, it's time
to clean up your act

and make a new friend.

Meet El Sponge Bob.

♪ Who lived in a bucket
under the sink? ♪

Es muy cool.

He kicks
a lot of mucho ass.

And the bitches
love him.

( squeaking )

And when you're done
fighting crime,

use his super powers
to fight grime.

Tell your mama,
wake up your pinche dad,
if you have one.

Tell you abuelita,
your uncles,

your aunts
in the garage.

Why let the Anglos
have all the fun.

Buy El Sponge Bob.

Puppies.
Make him shark bait.

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

You bitches
can't shoot a lick.

Take care of him.

You can run,
but you can't hide!

Male announcer:
From the people that
brought you...

David E. Kelley brings you
'The Dramedy of the Century,'

"Gay Clowns" on Fox.

Are we even
in a relationship?

I mean, we just...

I know we started
with jokes and cream pies,

but it feels like it's evolved
into something more.

- It's like...
- ( balloon squeaking )

I mean, we live together,
you know?

- It's...
- ( squeaking noises )

( screeches )

Mr. Weenie dog
is not gonna help you now.

- ( screeches )
- I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I only broke that
because you broke my heart.

Don't be afraid.
I love you.

It's all right.
You-- you scared me
a little bit.

I think I know
what'll make this better.

How can I
stay mad at you?

Announcer:
It's "Gay Clowns" on Fox.

( rock music playing )

Yeah, it's just
actually just...

( rock music playing )

If you're not riding on
moving trucks these days,

you better not
fucking call yourself

a professional
skateboarder.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ryan Simmonetti,

Papa Roach drum roll.

( punk music playing )

That was the fucking
greatest thing I've seen

in my fucking
fat rock star life.

I've spent a lot of time
in West Hollywood.

Um, with George Clooney.

- He's a powerful man.
- Mm, very powerful.

Ever since
Viagra came onto the market,

I mean,
he can stay up for hours.

You know what I think?

I think he probably feels
powerful with you,

'cause you're Jesus.

Hello, America,

welcome to the new
reality show...

Okay, Max,
pick your race card.

- ( exhales )
- Come on, honey.

Okay. Come on. Sweden.

Oh, pigmy tribe.

- Boy, are you in for a treat.
- Man.

At least
you didn't get France.

When they first told me
I was going to Africa,

I didn't-- I didn't know
what to expect.

I was kind of scared.
You know, I--

I barely been out
of Van Nuys.

Don't cross the 405.
You know?

Ah, what's for dinner?

Um... uh-- oh.

Ah...

Yum, yum, yum.
Dinner.

Mmm.

I figured what the heck?

I'll just dive in
with both feet,

and I'll just go for it,
ya know?

( nervous chuckle )

Um...

( fly buzzing )

Oh, hells yeah.
You a freaky bitch.

Mmm.

Mmm.
It's chunky.

Okay kids,
I made your favorite.

Mabutoo,
dinner's ready.

- ( stabbing noises )
- ( screaming )

( chanting )

( speaking native language )

Um, well, uh-- uh--
it's been...

You know it's
been a little difficult

trying to, uh,
adjust to Mabutoo's ways.

( groans )

But, you know I-- I--

he-- he's from Africa,
and-- and Africa is, ya know,

it-- it-- it--
it's not like it's
Van Nuys or something.

They just do stuff
different.

A lot of their customs
were strange, but, uh...

I just went with it,
ya know, when in Rome.

( disco music playing )

Announcer:
It's "Girls Gone Bonkers."

The most offensive
footage ever illegally attained

from mental institutions
around the world.

The least stimulating
graphic nudity

ever to be documented.

Too hot to exist.

Signature and DNA sample
required for delivery.

Actually footage
obtained illegally.

( muttering )

It's "Girls Gone Bonkers."

All the wacky titties
you could handle.

All night.

You know what they call
a burrito in Canada?

- What?
- A flauta.

- Flauta, guey.
- ( speaking Spanish )

- A flauta.
- Cabron, flauta.

They fry that shit, man.

Pone en el aceite,
then they fry it deep fry.

I'm getting so hungry,
are you guys getting hungry?

- Me, too.
- All this talk about

flautas
and chimichangas

- with mayonnaise.
- Me, too.

I feel like
pistol whipping somebody!

- Qué es eso?
- ( bell dinging )

Paletero!
Paletero!

Paletero!

( all shouting )

¿Qué tienen?

( paletero speaking Spanish )

He knows his shit.

All right,
I'll have dos sandwiches.

- ( speaking Spanish )
- And un UFO.

- ( speaking Spanish )
- Paletas, cabron!

- Paletas.
- ¿Otra vez?

- Paletas, si.
- Gracias.

( speaking Spanish )

( gunshots )

( dog barking )

I'm sorry.
I don't mean to Bogart.

( speaking Spanish )

Sorry.

- ( speaking Spanish )
- I see.

Mmm.

( speaks Spanish )

You got it wet.

- You nigger lipped it, cabron!
- Cabron!

- We can't have this no more.
- ( speaks Spanish )

It's like kissing you,
it's gay!

I'm not gay!

- You take it.
- No, cabron.

- You gay?
- ( speaking Spanish )

( speaking Spanish )

- Pinche Americano.
- ( speaking Spanish )

I'd feel like
pistol whipping you

if you didn't have
a camera in there, man.

Joshua and Cantelope.

I give the two of you

the easiest mission
that there was.

A hundred kilo grams
of pure cocaina

to sell downtown
to a pre-arranged seller

for half price.

And what did you
bring me back?

Nada.
Nothing.

What happened?

Well, first of all,
I let her drive.

Which was a mistake.

She can't parallel park
for shit.

- I fire you!
- Me?

I hate snitches,
never snitch on your friend.

Why me?
I've got potential!

She can't park!
She can't park!

( mariachi music playing )

Uh, things are actually
getting a lot easier.

Mabutoo is actually
really nice.

He's a really nice pigmy.

And-- and Teddy
is really taking
a liking to him.

I--

I think that Mabutoo has made
his school life a lot easier.

( period bell rings )

Hey, Gottlieb, you little bitch,
give me your lunch.

( thud )

( bongos playing )

( Mabutoo chanting )

I-- I'm sorry.
I am just been so upset

since my little
Mr. Whimpers went lost.

Look,
isn't he handsome?

Things are kind getting
a little strange.

( blabbering )

I think that he might
want to have sex tonight.

I mean, like that's ever gonna
happen in a million year--

Uh-- ow!

( thud )

Announcer:
"Jackass Doll,"
next in the series,

Steve-O.

I love my Steve-O doll.

Fuck you,
you fucking bitch.

In Russia, pussy's so cold,
come frozen on stick.

- ( cheerful music playing )
- ( flies buzzing )

What the fuck
is that smell?

Good God, that rotten meat
could gag a maggot.

Sometimes
you can be so rude.

You know I gave birth
to 5,000 maggots this morning.

( husky buzzing noise )

I just found a huge pile
of dog shit.

Hey girl.
What up, T-rex?

- ( gas, burp, splat )
- ( loud slurp )

Wow, where's that pile
of shit at?

Hi, I'm Jimmy Gonzales,
standing here live

in front of Senator Webster's
residence.

Where we are waiting the
arrival of Senator Webster

and hopefully
he'll be answering
the questions

concerning the allegations
of his drinking and womanizing.

( brakes screech )

Ed, follow me.
Come on.

Jose! Jose,
welcome to the show!

Oh, you're the one in the deal.
I know you I know you.

Yeah, "Latino Cheaters."
Welcome, welcome.

- Can I do a shout out?
- Sure.

You want to do a shout out?
Shout out!

Shout out to my wife Maria.

- I love Maria my wife.
- Yeah,

a lot of people
love Maria.

That's why we're here.
That's why we're here, Jose.

Why are we here?

I've got
some footage on your wife
I'd like to show you.

- But-- but...
- Okay, look at this.

- Do you recognize these guys?
- Yeah. That's...

Yeah, that's-- that's her
physical trainer Carlos.

Oh, he's physically training
her all right.

Oh yeah,
do you recognize
that guy?

You don't probably recognize
those two guys, do you?

I-- I don't recognize
those two guys.

Okay, that's our boom man,
Big Bob there,

yeah, he got the sound
out of that girl.

And that's our camera guy.
Oh, you recognize that guy?

That's one
of my favorite ones.

Look at this closer,
you recognize him?

That's me,
I'm having sex with her.

I'm just hitting it
right there.

She was good, too,
I gotta tell ya.

Oh-- ooh, yeah, yeah, well,
I'm proud of that shot.

That's a good shot.
Would you like to confront her?

You want to talk to her,
little "conversacióne,"

- ¿conversacióne con Maria?
- Yes.

Can I have a gun?
All right, oh yeah.

This size will do right.
It's about a nine millimeter.

Where could we find her?

She's right there
in the boathouse

having sex
with another man.

Okay, safety's off.
Go on.

Let's-- let's go.
Let's make some reality T.V.
Go confront her.

Speak to her.
Come follow me, guys.

- I want to get this shot.
- Hey, cabrona!

Cabrona,
someone has to die!

- I'm gonna kill her!
- She's right in there, Jose!

You lied--
you lied to me!

- She's in the boat house.
- You lied to me!

- Look, there she is!
- You lied to me, cabrona!

Get her, Jose, come on.
Go on, Jose, get her!

- ( screaming )
- ( Jose yelling in Spanish )

( gunfire )

Announcer:
John Boston.

- Car salesman.
- ( monitor beeping )

A man still barely alive.

Gentlemen,

we can't rebuild him.

We don't
have the technology.

We don't
have the capability

to do a damn thing
with him.

John Boston is that man.

We can't make
him stronger,

faster,

for damn sure...

younger.

( the "Six Million Dollar Man"
theme playing )

Yes. I've still got it.

- ( cheers, applause, whistles )
- ( laughs )

( flies buzzing )

( moaning )

- ( sighs heavily )
- ( speaking Spanish )

( food truck horn honking )

( yelling in Spanish )

I'm not looking
at nothing!

I saw you looking,
cabron!

- I'm not gay.
- Okay.

- I'm not gay.
- All right, okay.

Bueno.

- Nice bikini wax.
- Oh, thank you.

- Yeah, I got it yesterday.
- Looks good.

- Did it hurt?
- No yeah, it hurt a little bit.

- Es como Brazilian, pero no.
- No?

No, es como.

- Mexicano wax?
- Mexican wax, eh.

- Yeah?
- Si.

- All the way around?
- All the way around.

( speaking Spanish )

- I saw you.
- I'm not gay, I'm not gay!

( speaking Spanish )

- ¿Listo?
- Si, si.

( rooster crowing )

"Jackass Dolls,"
next in the series...

Preston Lacy.

( grunting )

Ow!

I love
my Preston Lacy doll.

( snoring, groaning )

- I'm going into town.
- ( gasping )

Four inch doll requires
12 inches of food daily.

( "Sex and the City"
theme song playing )

Inmate:
We were four best friends

giving new meaning to the term
"friends for life."

We all wanted love
and that special mijo.

...hits of ecstasy
I smuggling in my rectum.

- Exploded on the airplane.
- ( gasping )

But it's okay.
It's okay, girls,

'cause it's mad love.

♪ It's, uh, it's, uh,
it's mad love ♪

I am just so glad I escaped
from protective custody

'cause it was
fucking dead, man.

My ass is all tight and shit.
I bet it's gonna hurt.

- Ooh.
- Tell me about it.

We're gonna have
some fun tonight, bitches.

( all cheering )

- We are, let's get raped.
- Mm...

Oh, look at Crow.
He's so fucking huge.

All:
Hey!

Crow!

Crow! We're gonna do
that drug deal later, right?

Shut the fuck up.

Ooh,
so fucking hostile.

Scary.

( crowing )

- Fly away, crow.
- Oh...

Crow,
if the front door's locked,

- come through the back.
- 'Cause it's always open.

Oh shit,
you fucking bitches.

- I forgot to tell you.
- What?

Fucking Monkey,
he got his ass raped
in the showers the other day.

( gasping )

Now he farts like this.

- That bitch is so lucky.
- Let's go.

Let's go down
there right now.

Do they take Asians?

Together:
Gaysians.

- I got the once on the crack.
- Fucker.

I want to fart like this.
( exhales lightly )

Thought you already did,
you slut.

Ah shit,
look at those faggots.

Man, I hate these
fucking faggots.

Don't worry,
I'll take care of this.

Together:
Hey!

What do you guys want,
the regular?

Only if that comes with
an extra large burrito, hombre.

You want the regular or not?

All right, this deal's
gonna go down,

but I don't want
none of that gay shit,
do you understand?

( scoffs )

( squeaking, pop )

( grunts )

All:
Hey, hey.

Any of you vatos locos
want to cleanse with a popper?

It's mad relaxation
for your butt muscles.

I'll take a hit.

Ooh, Chongo.

Inmate's voice:
It seemed Charlotte
had made a breakthrough

with big Chongo in the back
of the laundry room that day.

Ready for some Chongo love?

( Charlotte
imitates club music )

Chongo love?

Eh, homes.

I didn't Chongo
was a pipe monster.

- He is now.
- I need some dick.

I tried everything
I could think of

to get taken advantage of
that summer.

Oops,
I just dropped a soap.

I'm bending over
to pick it up right now.

( rock music playing )

I'm Steve-O,
and I'm about to pull
a double kick flip

on a coffee table.

'Cause thrill
loves skateboarding,

I love skateboarding.

Fuck me.

Yeah!

Hey, I'm drunk,
but don't worry.

Let's leave the skateboarding
to the professionals.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the greatest professional
skateboarder ever to live!

I'm Ryan Simonetti
and this is "Calling the Cops."

( shouts )

Oh, yeah!

( yelling )

Ah! Fuck you!

( shouting )

Fuck that table!

Announcer:
This is an FNN special report.

Hello, a camper,
who was actually camping

brought us this next
doozy of a story

that I found
so compelling,

I had to go down
and investigate it further.

All by myself.

In the swamps of Florida,

we found
what looked like an ogre.

A real live ogre.

Or what appeared to be

an ogre that looked like
another ogre that's famous.

We followed him,
for several days.

Through the swamps.

This is the interview,
raw and uncut.

Hey! Hey! Hey!
Cut! Cut!

Sadly, our interview ended,
and I had to leave,

but we'll fondly remember
our little friend in the swamp.

I know I will.

That was-- that was
an amazing interview.

I'm Jeffery Sutton,
masturbation trainer.

You may know me
from my popular line

of training tapes available
only on the internet,

television, and through
some gentlemen's magazines.

Well, now there's a new way

to learn my time-tested
techniques.

Jeffery Sutton's
masturbation training camp.

That's right.
Uh-huh!

I'll run you through
a rigorous course

that will not only
train your body,

but most importantly,
your precious hands.

Act now,
and the first 100 callers

will receive this handsome
Jeffery Sutton t-shirt.

Well, kids, we have a very
special treat for you.

Today,
a famous scientist

is gonna
come into the classroom

and talk to us
about alligators.

Got you.

Nobody here's afraid
of alligators, are they?

You are?

Well, I'm not afraid
of alligators.

If I'm not afraid,
you don't have to be afraid.

You just have to be brave.

So, not to worry, we're just
gonna see some photographs.

( roaring,
children screaming )

But you said
you were gonna talk to it...

Hands on
is the best way to learn.

What about safety?

Safety's not an issue.
I have it all under control.

( roars )

All right, kids, we're gonna
have a little demonstration,

and Manny has assured me

that everything
is perfectly safe.

This is a handfeed.

( screaming )

Don't freak out.
Calm down.

You have a considerable
flesh wound.

( screaming continues )

Today we've learned
that the alligator
is very impressive.

When I launch
this missile at the moon,

I'll prove to the world
that I'm king of the madmen.

Sir, that's absolutely
ridiculous.

Why would you want to launch
the missile at the moon?

Einstein,
you're an idiot.

It's the middle
of the day.

The moon
won't be out for hours.

It's a slow missile,
you ignorant moron.

Just launch it.

- Thirty seconds to launch.
- Oh, man.

- XXXL, you son of a bitch.
- I got you, Lankin.

You're own your own, puppy.

Fifteen seconds to launch.

Hey, hey, hey,
what the hell do you want?

Can't you see
I'm in the middle
of something, motherfucker?

I don't know what to do.
I'm in a jam.

I've got fifteen seconds
to stop this missile
from being launched.

I need a pass key
to get into their system.

Motherfucker,
use the force.

What is that, magic?

No, motherfucker.

Force something
into the console.

What are you,
stupid, Fat Joe?

What's wrong,
is you dirty?

Jeez.
Go on and handle this, man.

I gotta finish
what I'm doing.

God damn it.

Shit!

The suit! The suit!
The suit!

Damn, you're squashing me.
You're squashing me.

Yeah, dude,
it's time, isn't it?

Time for you to admit
that your dick

is so fucked up
with herpes

that you won't even
show it to your own wife.

Let alone
cheat on her with it.

You're not gonna go
anywhere near a doctor's office,

because they
might tell you

how fucked up
your dick really is.

Chill out, dude.
It's mellow.

I got the Extendo-Dong-brand
penis concealer.

And enhancer.

Come in for a fitting,

and enjoy your dick
the way it used to look.

Except longer, firmer,
and girthier.

Fuck your way back to the top
of your relationship

and all the side bitches.

Sure, you gave your wife
and a few bitches herpes.

But now you can give back.
Extendo Dong.

Fuck 'em all.

( duck squeaks )

I can smell
the great outdoors
and the open range.

It's great here.

But there's been
some development.

Hey, stranger.

Better watch for Indians
and rattle snakes.

Shut up,
you old coot.

We know you gotta
save your money.

Nobody knows that better
than a cowboy.

That's why we
at the Black Angus
cattle restaurant

are bringing you
the big beef burger sandwich.

Oh, yes,
it's raining beef.

It's a fat-ass
woman burger.

And it's burger-licious.

- Oh, your beef is so big.
- Thank you, darling.

What do they call
a taco in France?

Well, a taco
is just a taco,

but they call it
"le taco."

- Le taco?
- Le taco.

Le taco,
le taco. Le taco.

What do they call a burrito
in France, world traveler?

( speaks Spanish )

Le burrito, guey.
Everything is "le."
Everything is "le."

Le burrito.

( both speak Spanish )

- I'm horny.
- You horny?

- I'm horny too.
- You horny too?

- Oh, look, a hooker.
- Hey, mami.

( speaks Spanish )

My partner here--
( speaks Spanish )

Get in the back.

Oh, I'm gonna
handcuff you inside, chica.

- I can watch, no?
- Oh, shit! She's a man.

She's a man!
She has a sausage,

like Tommy Lee.

Kick her out.
Should I kick her out?

Uh, she's kinda cute.

Okay.

Okay, you be with me.
All right.

( dramatic music plays )

When my brother
first started

partying with children
for a living,

we were all
very proud of him.

But then, it was more
about the party

and less about
the children.

Kids are ready.
They're outside.

Ah. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

He's a great clown,

- At your service.
- but a bad person.

( thud )

God damn it.

These kids
are gonna have

the time
of their fucking lives.

We've had cameras
following him around,

and it's totally time
to intervene, dude.

I mean,
I'll level with you.

Some kids piss me off.

( carnival music plays,
children scream )

That's a good-looking cake.
Want some?

( children scream )

Yeah, smoking rules.
That's my animal!

I call it
Mr. Cock And Balls.

( laughs )
Yeah. Whoo!

( children scream )

Hell,
the occasional parents

interfered
with my performance.

Do you believe
that fucking clown?

What the fuck are you doing?
That's my wife!

Oh, you don't you even think
about cock-blocking me!

Most of time,
I just have a fucking blast.

- Party! Party!
- ( glass breaking )

Mommy.

Can I offer
anybody a cigarette?

Ah, damn it.

( sniffs )

Plus I act as my own agent,

so drug testing's
no problem.

Ah, much better.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.
All right.

I'm back, kids.

I'll tell ya,
back when I was
in clown college,

I was at the top
of my class.

( carnival music continues )

Yeah, there's some clowns
that have problems.

See that a lot
in the circus community.

I know exactly
what I'm doing.

( fly buzzing )

Hey, hey.
What kind of twisted
party clown are you?

I'm not paying for you.
Get out of my house.

( glass breaks )

What are you-- ?
What the-- ?

( children scream )

I just wanna
make people happy!

You ungrateful piece of shit.

I'm gonna call the cops
if I don't get my money.

My brother thinks he's going
to another kids' party.

But it's actually
an intervention.

He probably
won't know the difference,

but it's time to stop,
Steve-O.

Enough is enough, dude.

And hopefully this
is the last party
you'll ever go to.

Yeah, dude.

Thanks for being here.
Thank you.

I'd like to thank you all
for being here.

It's nice to see that
Steve-O's got

such supportive
friends and family members.

I'd say Steve-O
is one lucky clown.

Now, he thinks
he's coming here

for a birthday party.

When he gets here, he might
be in destructive mode,

so nobody do anything
to agitate him.

Hmm? Remind him
that we're here to help him.

( bike horn honks, thud )

I had that.
Shit.

I heard about
a birthday party.

Steve-O,
it's me, your brother.

Yeah, sweet.
Let's get wasted.

Not today, bro.
Not today.

I think you know why
we're all here.

Yeah, we're here
to fucking party!

No, that's not why
we're here, Steve-O.

What are you
talking about?

Just relax.

Hey, good to see you.

( laughing )
Yeah.

Oh. Oh.
Haven't done ecstasy in days.

Steve-O,
I'm an interventionist.

Yeah, I should probably
only take three, right?

You're family
is worried about you.

Oh, yeah?
My family?

Fuck my family.
Fuck you!

Fuck my family,
and fuck you too!

So where
are the fucking kids, man?

I'm ready
to fucking party.

Doesn't look like
a fucking party to me.

The kids aren't coming
today, Steve-O.

Kid-- I'm still getting
fucking paid, right?

Sure.

Yeah, sweet.
( laughing )

Whoo!

- Steve-O, dude.
- What?

- Please.
- What?

Enough is enough, dude.

Oh, no.
Fuck. Fuck!

God damn it.
Now I'm really fucking pissed.

- Steve-O, you need help.
- Fuck!

Steve-O,
I think that even you

can see
that you have a problem.

Yeah, you're about to have
a fucking problem, asshole.

I'm gonna fucking
light your face on fire.

Oh, it's not safe
carrying a candle that's lit

and lighter fluid.

Yeah, well,
it's not safe

telling me
not to fucking party.

( heavy metal music plays )

Woman:
Part of the job.
Come on.

Good day's work.
Come on. Come on. Come on!

- Be gentle with me.
- Okay, okay.

I said stop!
In the name of the law.

La, la, la,
la, la, la, la.

Cocaine and bitches!
Yeah!

Push the end of the booby
so you can see them better.

Extra bonus.
Surprise, some tits.

That's right.

We'll, obviously,
you daft cunt.

Hey, I didn't say "motherfucker"
yet, God damn it.

My contract says
I get to say "motherfucker"

at least seven times.

All you white
motherfuckers,

give me the chance
to say "motherfucker."

That's a lot of shit--
I got to--

( cheering )

Cut!

It's underground,

but many people
enjoy masturbation time.

That's all the water
I got in me.

( belches )

Chimichanga, cabron.

Yeah, it's gonna get
a little bit snowy
in hell tonight.

Uh, um, it's not my fault...

- ( laughing )
- That was terrible.

That took me by surprise.

( laughs )

( clears throat )
There's, like, a fly over here.

Do it like Daddy.
Swing to the left,

swing to the right.

Here we go,
back and clap.

♪ I got the wandering eye ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ I got the wandering eye ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ I got the wandering eye ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ I got the wandering eye ♪

♪ Oh, you know I got it ♪

♪ Oh, you know ♪

♪ Feels like
I can't sit still ♪

♪ When I got it,
when I got it ♪

♪ All around,
eyes they keep on searchin' ♪

♪ Oh, I got it ♪

♪ Yes, I got it ♪

♪ When will it cease? ♪

♪ Never gonna end ♪

♪ Lost my family,
I lost my friends ♪

♪ Face is familiar ♪

♪ Far from the same ♪

♪ Come a little closer ♪

♪ Let me know your name ♪

♪ Ooh, step into
the light sweet one... ♪

♪ And there's
something about TV ♪

♪ Make me wanna turn it off,
turn it back on again ♪

♪ Throw it out the window ♪

♪ Catch it 'fore it lands ♪

♪ I got the shampoo
they told me to get ♪

♪ Come morning,
I'm a contestant ♪

♪ Get my show down ♪

♪ No talking
when my soaps are on ♪

♪ You know
my ladies need me ♪

♪ And there's something
about TV ♪

♪ Make me wanna turn it off,
turn it back on again ♪

♪ Throw it out the window ♪

♪ Catch it 'fore it lands ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, my channel ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, my channel good ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, my channel ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh,
my channel good ♪

♪ The Tuesday afternoon
movie ♪

♪ "Dingo Ate My Baby" ♪

♪ No sunshine, this is all
I wanna do today ♪

♪ Something about TV ♪

♪ Make me wanna turn it off ♪

♪ Turn it back on again ♪

♪ Throw it out the window ♪

♪ Catch it 'fore it lands ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, my channel ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh,
my channel good ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, my channel ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh,
my channel good ♪

♪ I've got no idea
who I am ♪

♪ I have no idea who I am ♪

♪ And there's something
about TV ♪

♪ Make me wanna turn it off,
turn it back on again ♪

♪ Throw it out the window,
catch it 'fore it lands ♪

♪ Throw it out the window,
and catch it 'fore it lands ♪

Hello?

I just took a roofie.

Guys.
Oh, gosh.

It'd be very easy
to take advantage

of a skinny little
gay dude.