T.R. Baskin (1971) - full transcript

(CHATTING INAUDIBLY)

Hey, Larry!

Larry Moore, hey!

Hey! Oh! Larry!

Larry!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Larry!

I can't believe it,

Larry Moore.

That's right.

I'm Jack.

Jack Mitchell.

Hey, Jack, how are you?

It's nice to see you.

You don't know

who I am.

Well, of course I do.

You're Jack Mitchell.

It's 'cause I'm bald.

I'm Jack Mitchell.

That's right.

We're fraternity

brothers.

Jesus...

Jack Mitchell?

(LAUGHS)

Hey! You look great,

you look really great.

Thank you.

You look fine too.

Hey, come on,

let me buy you a drink.

Well, look,

I've got to, uh...

I'm actually late.

Oh, no. Come on,

I'm gonna buy you a drink,

buddy. That's it.

You know,

I live in Utica.

No, I...

I didn't know that.

Do you like it there?

Oh, it's great,

it's really great,

but, uh,

it's not like here.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah.

You know,

I married Ella.

Well, you

remember Ella.

Sure. How...

How is she?

You don't

remember Ella.

Of course

I remember Ella.

Fine.

What?

Ella, she's just fine.

Oh, that's great.

Do you... Do you see

any of the old guys?

Not, uh,

not very much.

I ran into Jay Reinfeld

the other day.

Oh. Hey, how is Jay?

Just great.

Listen, Larry, uh,

I was wondering, uh...

Well, I'm only gonna be

in town a little while.

I was wondering

if you know any, uh...

You know, girls.

(LAUGHS)

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

T.R.: Hello?

MITCHELL: Uh, hello,

is this T.R.?

Yes.

Uh, my name

is Jack Mitchell.

Uh, I've just

arrived in town.

I'm only gonna be here

for a day or two.

Uh, Larry gave

me your name.

Hello, T.R.?

Hello?

Hello!

Yes?

Uh, well...

I was wondering if, uh,

if you could come

and see me.

I mean, if we could

get together.

Uh, how about it?

Come on.

Hello? T.R.?

All right.

Great!

Uh, that's terrific.

That's really terrific. Uh...

Are you,

are you free right now?

Yes.

Ah, well I'm at

the Sherman House.

Room 1453.

Oh, do you know

where that is?

It's on the 14th floor.

What?

Yeah, I know where it is.

Uh...

Terrific, I'll...

I'll see you in a few

minutes then.

T.R.: Right. Are you alone?

MITCHELL: Oh, yes.

How will I recognize you?

What?

Never mind.

I'll see you in

a few minutes.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Tough luck,

you missed me.

Wanna start over?

We can try again.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(CHATTER ON RADIO)

Uh, hello there.

Hi.

Uh, come in.

Come in.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Let me take your coat.

Mmm.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Scarf.

Please sit down.

Would you like a drink?

No, thank you.

Are you sure?

Yes.

So!

Cigarette?

No, thank you.

Are you from Chicago?

No, I'm from Ohio.

Ohio. I go to Ohio

every once in awhile.

Cleveland,

I go to Cleveland.

Are you

from Cleveland?

No, I'm from Findlay.

Findlay!

Ever hear of it?

Sure I have.

I just don't think

I've ever been there.

What brought you

from Findlay, Ohio,

to Chicago?

An airplane.

T.R.: The Y, please...

WCA.

CAB DRIVER: ...you know,

it's always good.

I tell you that

Larrabee Street exit

sometimes ain't so good,

so maybe the best thing to do

is to stay on

until Clark Street.

Hey, your first time

in Chicago, huh? Yeah?

...isn't so good either.

Maybe Wabash is better.

Watch it there!

Move over!

Hey, you know, Wabash

ain't so hot either.

Maybe... Uh, maybe

we oughta take, uh...

It's only the couple of hours

that Kedzie gets all

screwed up, you know?

(CAB DRIVER

TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

...they shouldn't allow

trucks in the daytime anyhow.

Ah, they can make

their deliveries at night.

Yeah. Wouldn't screw

things up that way.

Hey, watch it!

I hate them creeps

in them little cars.

Like bugs they are, bugs!

(TRAFFIC WHISTLE BLOWS)

MAN: Taxi, taxi! Hey, taxi!

(MAN WHISTLES)

CAB DRIVER: People talk

about pollution, you know.

You know how to get rid of

pollution in the streets, huh?

Get rid of them

little cars and trucks.

(TRAFFIC WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CAB DRIVER

TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

All them little

cars and trucks.

Pollution, everywhere

is pollution, you know

what I mean?

(TAXI METER CLICKS OFF)

Well, I hope

you like Chicago.

Hey, that's 50 cents

for the bags.

WOMAN: Is there any

mail for room 208?

Hello, Operator?

I'd like to send

a telegram, please.

To Findlay, Ohio?

F-I-N-D-L-A-Y.

Um, Mr. and Mrs.

Harold Baskin.

B-A-S-K-I-N.

1225 Gehrig Avenue.

G-E-H-R-I-G, Findlay.

Uh, dear Mom and Dad,

have gone to Chicago

to seek fame and fortune.

Arrived safe and unarmed.

Don't be mad.

Um, would you change that?

Uh, don't wait up.

Love, T.R.

No, "T" as in tree, "R".

Yeah.

That's all there is.

Um, room 1553.

Yeah. Thank you.

(T.R. HANGS UP PHONE)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

(RINGS DOORBELL)

(BABY CRYING)

Yeah?

Is this "charming

studio apartment

"in ideal location,

reasonable, inquire"?

Yeah. Come in,

come in.

You have your own bathroom.

Heat and water are included.

A nice place.

Nothin' fancy, but

it's a nice place.

And it's only 110 a month.

What?

A hundred and ten a month,

heat and water included.

What's the matter?

Um, it's not exactly

what I expected.

Well, what did you expect?

I don't know.

But not the waiting room

of a Greyhound bus station.

Oh, you're a riot, kid.

You're from

out of town, right?

Well, this is Chicago.

Now, you don't know

about Chicago.

A hundred and ten a month

in Chicago will get you

this, if you're lucky,

and nothin' more.

This ain't so bad,

you know.

You don't believe me, right?

Well, go look for yourself,

you'll find out.

What's the matter?

You're worried about the

neighborhood, huh?

Right? You're worried about

walkin' about

this neighborhood

at night, right?

Listen, kid, I wouldn't

walk anywhere in

this city at night.

Hey, if you want anything

better, you gotta pay

two, three hundred.

You don't believe me?

Go look for yourself.

You'll see.

DOORMAN: Can I help you?

No, thank you, I'm fine.

Who do you wish to see?

Kathy Simon?

Just a moment.

Miss Simon?

There's a young lady

here to see you.

Uh, what is

your name, Miss?

T.R. Baskin.

Named Baskin.

All right.

You can go up.

Apartment 15C.

Thank you.

Are you D.R.?

T.R., yeah.

Yes!

I'm Kathy.

Hi.

Yeah.

This is a really

nice hallway.

Oh, I'm so stupid!

Let's go inside.

I'm sorry, I'm just

so excited, I mean,

I just can't believe it.

My roommate just ran off

and got married, I mean,

just like that, not one

word or anything

and there I was stuck

for another roommate.

I was so depressed,

I mean not one word

or anything,

and there I was,

and then there was

your ad in the paper,

I almost went crazy.

It was like ESP,

you know what I mean?

Sit down. Tell me

about yourself.

Uh, well, there's not

really very much to tell.

I mean, I'm not very

different from

anybody else.

Oh, not much you aren't!

Are you married

or engaged or

anything like that?

No, not anything

like that.

Me neither. It's too

early for me, if you

know what I mean.

I mean, I want to have

my fun now and get it

all out of my system.

I mean, some girls

just rush right in and

get married and then

later on they feel like

they've missed something.

I don't want to feel like

I've missed something,

you know what I mean?

Now, how much

can you afford?

Uh, about 125,

maybe 150 if I eat

erasers for lunch.

I can't believe it!

I just can't believe it,

that's perfect.

The apartment costs 300,

so your 150 and my 150,

that's 300.

Yes, it is.

Could I see

the rest of it?

Oh, I'm so stupid,

of course.

Well now,

this is the living room.

It's very nice.

We'll add furniture

later, of course,

but I'd rather live here

than on one of those

dingy streets with all

the furniture in the world,

if you know what I mean.

Tiara, that's quite a

name for a building.

It means "crown".

And this is

your bedroom.

I think two bedrooms

is mandatory, if you

know what I mean.

Listen, what you do

is your own business,

if you know what I mean.

Well, now for the bathroom.

We also have a nice

small kitchen.

By the way, do you cook?

A little.

Huh!

Well, what do

you think?

I think you send out

for food a lot.

Oh, that's wonderful!

I just can't believe it,

this is gonna

work out so perfectly,

I just know it will.

You don't walk around

naked all the time,

do you?

Huh?

Some girls like to

walk around naked.

My roommate in school

used to do that.

She used to just stand

in front of the mirror,

in the raw, mind you.

Just stand there

and stare at herself.

It used to make me

so nervous, if you

know what I mean.

You don't do that,

do you?

Listen about schedules,

I'm usually gone

two or three days

and then I'm home

two or three days

and I just love my sleep,

if you know what I mean.

I hope you don't squeeze

the toothpaste

in the middle of the tube

or anything like that,

I just couldn't stand that.

By the way do you smoke?

I smoke, but only

occasionally and

then only in private

if you know what I mean.

Listen, I think privacy

is the basis of all

good relationships,

don't you agree?

It's very important.

(RINGS DOORBELL)

Yeah, Larry told me

a lot about you.

He certainly did.

What did he say?

He said when I get

to Chicago I should be

sure to look you up.

Really?

That's a lot to say.

Well, how about a drink?

Are you sure you don't

want a drink?

No, thank you.

Did Larry ever tell you

that after my parents died

I spent two years in

Vietnam as a nurse in a

Marine field hospital?

No! Gee, that's rough.

What was it like

over there?

How the hell

should I know?

I was never there.

I just wondered if Larry

ever told you I was

in Vietnam.

Well, why would

he tell you... I...

You were in Vietnam

if you weren't there?

Well, that's dumb.

Why would I ask you

if Larry ever told you

I was in Vietnam

if I was never there?

Well, I don't know.

Neither do I.

How far do you

live from here?

About a thousand

a month.

INTERVIEWER:

Are you married?

T.R.: No.

Have you ever

been married?

No.

Parents?

A complete set.

Are they alive?

They certainly are.

Have you ever had

malaria, tuberculosis,

rheumatic fever, heart

disease, kidney disease

or any mental illness?

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

Have you ever been

convicted of a felony?

Twelve arrests,

no convictions.

Here, take these

to Accounting.

You get Christmas

and Easter and all

legal holidays.

On behalf of the management,

I would like to take

this opportunity

to welcome you

to the I.L.T. family.

I'm sorry, I had to

step out for a moment.

Can I help you?

Is this Accounting?

What's your name?

T.R. Baskin.

How do you spell that?

Capital "T", capital "R".

No, Paskin.

B-A-S-K-I-N.

"P" as in Peter?

No, "B" as in bedlam.

You're in the wrong

department, this is

"N" through "Z".

This is "N" through "Z".

We handle all employees

with names that begin

with the letters

"N" through "Z".

You're a "B", you belong

in "A" through "M".

T.R.: Oh. Well, where is that?

Two corridors down.

It's the last door

on your left.

Thank you very much.

Is this "A" through "M"?

Yes. What's your

name, please?

Baskin, with a "B"

like in baloney.

I belong here.

Take those and give them

to the girl there.

Okay, thanks.

Mmm-hmm.

Hi, sit down.

Can I have those please?

T.R. Baskin...

Is that your whole

name, T.R.? Or is that

short for anything?

Uh-uh, that's it.

(LAUGHS)

My name's Dayle Wigoda.

Did you just come

from the bitch?

Yeah.

Mmm.

(IMITATING) Do you have

a history of mental illness?

I think she has it,

that's why she's so

hung up on it.

You get paid

every other Friday.

I know it stinks,

but that's how they

do it here.

And you can cash

personal checks

at the Cashier's,

but it can't

total more than

$25 a week.

Here's your ID card.

Just sign it here.

If you want to come into

the building at night

or on the weekend,

you have to show it

to the security guard.

You also have

to be crazy.

Here's your

employee book.

It tells you all sorts

of goodies, like

you can't wear slacks

and how to get

to the coffee shop.

Here's your health plan

information booklet,

and another one on

your stock purchase plan.

Both of them are rotten.

Are you from Chicago?

No, I'm from Ohio.

Did you just get here?

Yeah.

Do you have a place?

Mmm, I just found one.

Oh. Well, if there's

anything I can do,

anything,

just call me

or something.

Ask for Accounting

and when you

get Accounting,

ask for the "B's".

The "B's"?

Mmm. I'm the "B's".

(LAUGHS)

I work on just the "B's".

That's why you're here.

You'd be surprised

how many "B's"

work in this place.

Do you like it?

Well, most of the guys

in Accounting are

pretty nerdy,

but it happens to be

an absolutely super place

to find out things.

Now I know how much

everybody makes

and I know who's

getting fired even

before they know.

Listen, I don't mean

to pry or anything,

but since you're new here,

you probably don't know

a lot of people.

Well, I'd be more

than happy to fix you up,

I really would.

Okay, well, thanks a lot.

Hey, don't forget.

The "B's".

We expect you to

think of your desk

as your "home during

the day," so to speak.

Just as you wouldn't

keep a dirty home,

we don't think you

should keep a messy desk.

Now, you are allowed

two coffee breaks.

One in the morning and one

during the afternoon.

They may not exceed

10 minutes.

You also have

one hour for lunch.

Look up and down

your row, Miss Baskin.

That is your row.

You may determine

your own lunch

and coffee breaks,

so long as there

is always somebody

in your row at all times.

You may work that out

with the rest of your row.

Are there any

questions?

Good.

On behalf of the management,

I would like to take

this opportunity

to welcome you

to the I.L.T. family.

(CACOPHONY OF TYPEWRITERS)

(TYPING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING)

AUTOMATED VOICE:

Kindly push the button

for the desired floor.

Step to the rear

of the elevator

and face the front.

(ELEVATOR MUSIC RESUMES)

Level one. Cashier

and Employees' Lounge.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

(ELEVATOR BUZZES)

DAYLE: T.R.?

Hey, T.R.!

Over here!

Come on over.

Hey, how are you?

Hey.

Come on.

This is T.R. Baskin.

This is Marsha Kaufman

and Linda Medcalf.

Hi.

Hi, D.R.

No, T.R.

T.R. works on

the 23rd floor,

Branch Relations.

That's Roger Fry's floor.

Mmm.

The whole floor?

Roger Fry is

in your department.

He thinks he's gorgeous.

Is he?

He would be

if he weren't married.

He also thinks he can

make it with any girl

in the building.

Can he?

I don't know.

So far he's

worked his way up

to the 42nd floor

and he's only

67% effective.

Do all you guys

work together?

Mmm, Marsha's "G's"

and Linda's "H's".

And you get

to eat together?

Mmm-hmm.

Ohh! Here comes

Alice Hinds.

She works in Sales.

She thinks she's

nothing less than terrific

just because

she has big boobs.

Dayle!

I'd trust her about

as far as I could

throw the building.

Hi, Alice!

This is T.R. Baskin.

She just started.

Oh, what kind of

name is that?

Lithuanian.

What?

T.R. works in

Branch Relations.

Oh. How do you like

our little place?

It's not bad.

What do you do here?

Oh, the same thing

we all do here. Hunt.

She's on Roger Fry's floor.

Oh, that's right.

Branch Relations.

Well, that's going

to be interesting.

He's married,

you know.

Yeah, I've been told.

Oh, he's gonna

like you.

Why?

Mmm, 'cause

you're his type.

Well, what's his type?

Any female over 12

and under 70 who

doesn't have a harelip.

The age requirements

may be lifted in

special circumstances.

Oh, no, there's

Eilene Flanders, I hope

she doesn't see us.

DAYLE: She probably will.

She just got new

contact lenses.

Oh, Christ, here she comes.

What's the matter

with her?

Oh, nothing,

if you don't mind sluts.

Hi, Eilene.

Oh, this is T.R. Baskin,

she's new.

Oh. Hi, P.R.

T.R. Hi.

Listen, I was just going

anyway, so it was very

nice meeting all of you.

ALL: Bye.

Hmm!

How do you like it here?

I'm not wild about

the drapes.

No, no,

I mean Chicago.

So do I.

You're makin' fun of me.

No, I'm not.

Look, uh,

I know I'm not

so smart but...

Even I know

when someone's

makin' fun of me.

I'm not making fun of you.

What do you want to

come here and

make fun of me for?

Look, Larry told me you were

a great-looking girl,

and you certainly are.

Larry never said you

were gonna give me

such a hard time.

You're absolutely right,

Jack Mitchell.

I have no right to

give you a hard time,

especially if Larry

never told you I would.

No siree, no hard time,

not from this cookie.

Well?

Oh, uh...

Yeah, yeah, uh...

(LOCKS DOOR)

(WATER RUNNING)

(BATHROOM DOOR OPENS)

(SIREN WAILING)

(SIGHS)

What's the matter,

Mister Mitchell?

I can't.

Why not?

I don't know.

(LAUGHING)

What's so funny?

(LAUGHING)

I'm not laughing at you.

(LAUGHING)

Would...would you

like to talk?

(LAUGHING)

Boy, now I know where my

grandmother used to

get her perfume.

(LAUGHS)

I smell like

a fruit stand.

Well, you're excused, lady.

I'm sorry.

C'est magnifique, no?

Do you like it?

I'm not wild about it.

I think it's super.

Buy it.

Well, I don't know.

Is it always like this?

Normally it's crowded.

You sure you don't want

a date for Friday?

No, thank you.

What are you gonna do,

stay home?

I got things to do.

Like what?

I like to read.

You can read Monday

through Thursday.

Come on, T.R.,

I'm not askin' you

to marry the guy,

just have a date

with him.

I'll be there with you,

carrying a can of

mace to protect you,

from attack if that's

what you're worried about.

I don't see why

you don't do it.

You know, he isn't

exactly hunchback.

He doesn't

rape old ladies.

I used to know this guy

who raped old ladies,

he was a very close

friend of my uncle's.

SALESWOMAN: I think

it looks just lovely.

It's a little full

in the shoulder, but...

It's 34 sizes too large.

Do you have it in a 10?

No, I'm sorry, honey.

It's the only one like it

in the whole store.

It's a very popular number.

Wait a minute, come on

over here with me.

I do have something else

that's just right for you.

Everybody's been wearing it,

and I know I have it in a

size 10 'cause I put one

away for a customer

this morning.

There.

Isn't that perfect?

Yeah, that's very nice.

How much is it?

$74.95.

It's not exactly

what I'm looking

for, you know?

Look, I met Gary

a couple weekends

ago skiing.

He's really nice,

and he was there

with his friend.

Do you

understand, T.R.?

I saw him.

I actually saw him.

He walks, he talks,

he's absolutely super.

Actually, I'm doing

you a favor.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, look, I wanna get

a stuffed animal for my

kid brother, okay?

T.R...

Hey there, giraffe.

I don't understand you.

What do you mean?

Look, do you want

to stay home alone?

Is that what you want?

It's just that

I don't really like

blind dates, you know?

And I'm fine,

I'm really fine.

Mmm. Oh, boy,

this is silly.

We only have an hour.

Besides, I don't

even have a brother.

Look, all we're gonna do is go

to dinner and then have a few

drinks or something,

whatever you want.

He happens to be loaded.

Maybe we can get

them to take us some

place expensive.

What have you got to lose?

Why is it so

important to you

that I have a date?

I mean, how come you're

crusading for this great

eligible catch?

I promised Gary

I'd get him someone

nice for his friend.

Well, I'm really

flattered but what

about your friends?

Those two girls

you're always with?

You mean

Linda and Marsha?

Yeah, what about them?

Oh, they're trolls.

Look, T.R.,

please as a favor,

say yes.

What's his name?

Arthur.

Arthur! Oh, wow!

Oh, T.R.!

Okay.

Super. I appreciate it.

I really do.

I don't agree with you.

I think it's super.

Hey, where the hell did

you get that scarf?

I didn't see you

pay for that.

Oh, you are sweet.

Hah!

Hey, Jake Mitchell?

What's Elmira like?

I don't know.

Aren't you

from Elmira?

No, Utica.

I'm from Utica.

What's it like?

You don't give

a damn about Utica.

Yes, I do.

Why?

I don't know.

You don't give a damn.

Boy. Larry never said you

were gonna give me such

a hard time.

(EXHALES)

(SIGHS)

What do you want to

know about Utica?

What's it like?

Well, it's small,

you know?

Maybe it's a little ugly.

But it's nice.

I can't tell you why,

but it's nice.

Don't you get

bored there?

I don't know.

When you live in Utica

you always hear about

New York and Chicago.

You know, making it

in New York and Chicago

is making it.

But I'll tell

you something.

Utica doesn't

frighten people.

Do you understand

what I mean?

I mean you can see

all the things here, but,

you never feel relaxed.

You never feel

you can act natural.

You never know whether

the people on the street

like you or hate you.

It's strange, isn't it?

I always can't wait

to come here,

and after I'm here

a few days,

I wind up missing Utica.

Listen, it's weird, you know.

You miss things that you never

expect to miss.

For instance, you know

what I miss? Flies.

You know a nice place

should have a fly or two,

not all over, just this

resident couple playing

in the lobby,

just to remind everybody

that they're organic.

A fly came into the place

where I work last Thursday.

And nobody knew what it was,

they hadn't seen one

for so long.

It didn't have an employee

number so they killed it.

(LAUGHS)

ARTHUR: That works out

perfectly.

That's four halves,

that's two whole pies.

T.R. and I will share

one pie, half sausage,

half green pepper.

And you two will

have the half mushroom,

half anchovy.

How much should we order?

Well, how big is large?

I don't know.

Well how hungry

is everybody?

You hungry, T.R.?

Yeah. I think everybody's

hungry.

Well all right,

then I think we should

order the two large.

Well how do we know we

can finish two large ones?

It's better to have some

left over than not enough.

DAYLE: Why don't we order

one large and one medium?

Well see, if we do that,

then two will get less of

their choice

than the other two, I mean

'cause we're ordering

different halves.

I think we should

definitely order

the two large.

GARY: Right. Okay, fine.

Right? Good.

Uh, Ms.? Fine.

I'll be right there.

Ah, would you mind if

I changed my order.

What?

Instead of anchovies,

I'd like to switch

to green peppers.

All right, all right,

uh, let me see.

Okay. Well, that

means that Dayle and

I will share a pie,

instead of T.R.

And Gary will now

share with T.R.

Now Dayle and I will

have green pepper and

T.R. and Gary will have

the mushroom and sausage.

And I assume we all want

beer, right? (LAUGHS)

GARY: Hear, hear!

Uh, we would like

two large pies.

One all green peppers,

one mushroom

and sausage.

And we want

four steins of beer.

DAYLE: I was just telling

T.R. how you spend

$8 for a haircut.

Oh, They do more than

just cut your hair.

It's very nice.

Thank you.

I like your tie.

Oh, really?

(CHUCKLES)

Thanks.

ARTHUR: Is that a Polo?

Mmm-hmm.

ARTHUR: I've been looking

all over for one of those.

Where did you get it?

GARY: Frank Brothers.

Yeah. Frank Brothers

has nice stuff.

I'm going skiing again

this weekend.

Ahh, I have to work.

You have to work

on a weekend?

Yup.

What do you do?

I'm a builder.

Do you build anything

in particular?

Mmm, small developments,

you know, apartments and

shopping centers.

That's nice.

How did you

become a builder?

It was easy.

My father owns

the business.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, my goddamn car

is finally fixed.

Oh yeah, how much

did that come to?

I don't know, the

insurance company took

care of the whole thing.

I have a sports car,

an XKE,

and five weeks ago

it was stolen.

Three days later,

the cops found it

wrapped around a tree.

The radio was gone,

it was an AM-FM.

And the stereo.

I had a four-track

stereo tape in there.

At least whoever stole it

probably likes music.

It was my fault.

Should have known better.

I never should have

parked it there.

Where?

Where do you think?

I don't know. Where?

We're building an

urban renewal project

on the West Side.

And I always take

the company car, always.

But this one time

was a Friday and I

was going out of town.

So I thought,

well, why change cars?

Probably some junkie.

Oh, don't tell me

it was some junkie.

The company car

has a radio in it

and a telephone,

but it's never been stolen.

(LAUGHS) Oh, no.

No, an Oldsmobile

isn't good enough

for one of them.

Well, when you get money

for not working,

then you begin to

think that anything

you want is yours.

T.R. is an absolutely

super reader.

Hmm, really?

What do you like best?

Mostly Lebanese

classics.

Nice.

Would you excuse me

for a second?

I'll come with you.

I really like that tie.

And I caught that

remark about

Lebanese books.

What are you giving him

a hard time for?

You know, he happens

to be absolutely loaded.

And you happen to be

acting like a blob.

I don't understand it.

What's the matter

with you?

I'm talking to you.

What do you have

against him?

Well, well, did you enjoy

yourselves? (LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

Would, uh, anybody

like to smoke?

Oh.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, let me see.

Hmm?

Oh, yeah.

That is good stuff.

Oh, my. How do

you like it here?

It's a nice place.

No, I mean Chicago.

Oh, Chicago's

a nice place.

What do you do

at I.L.T.?

She's in Branch Relations.

I handle her personnel file.

I'm a B.

What?

Do you like

working there?

Yeah, it's pretty nice.

I'm not gonna die

of over-stimulation.

(LAUGHS) You know you,

you sound like one of those

Women's Liberation people.

(LAUGHS)

Why?

I don't know.

Would you like to be

president of the company?

Yeah, that might be fun.

(LAUGHING)

No, a woman should

get stimulation, uh...

Should get stimulation

out of a home and children.

I'm working on an electric

breast. Anyone can wear it,

then you can stay home.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, no, I wouldn't want

to work for a woman.

You don't have to,

your father

owns the company,

not your mother.

GARY: Uh, when is

that development

gonna be completed?

Ah, we promised April.

I think we can have it

finished by then.

DAYLE: What's it

gonna look like?

Well, you know what those

projects look like.

They all start out clean.

And then all the people who

complain about living in

rat-infested

buildings move in.

In two weeks it's dirty.

And then in two months,

it looks like the buildings

that we just tore down.

Honest to God,

you know what they...

They throw their garbage

out of the windows.

I swear, I could

show you the places.

You know, I don't think these

people ever learned how to

keep their homes clean.

Why don't we go

somewhere where

there's some good music?

Hey, that's a good idea.

How about McGuire's?

Oh, I'm not...

I'm not really crazy

about McGuire's.

DAYLE: Oh?

Oh, I'll go if everyone

else wants go.

What do you think, T.R.?

I think you're a schmuck.

Where do you work?

I.L.T.

I.L.T.?

What do they make

at I.L.T.?

I don't know. You have

to be there three years

before they tell you.

Hmm. I'm with

Con-Amalgamate.

What do you do?

I'm in the

Catalogue Division.

You sell catalogues?

No, no, Con-Amalgamate

sells all its products

through a catalogue.

Oh.

In other words, you can

buy the product in this

Con-Amalgamate store

or you can order it

through the catalogue.

Oh.

That's why I'm here in

Chicago. You see Chicago

is the headquarters.

I'm in the Automotive

Parts section.

The Automotive Parts section

of the Catalogue Division?

(CHUCKLES)

Utica Branch.

I know a girl who spends

her whole day working on B's.

Eight hours a day,

working on one letter

of the alphabet.

She really knows

that letter.

Do you know that there's

nothing for your car that

we can't sell you?

Nothing? As a matter of

fact that's why I'm here.

You see,

we're introducing

a new tire.

It's a steel-belted tire.

You can't have a blowout.

That's nice.

I see you're fascinated.

No listen, I mean it,

that's nice.

I mean if you need

a new tire you can just

pick up your catalogue,

and zocko!

You have your new tire.

You have a problem

and you solve it, period.

When I die, I want to die

from something that you

can spot right away.

You know, like a fantastic

heart attack or drowning.

Anything but going to a

hospital and having some

creep telling you

you have to take more tests.

Hmm. Well, I don't

care how I die,

I just don't wanna die.

I wanna die young and

neat. I don't want to

die old and sloppy.

Wait 'till you're older

and see what you say.

Like the Eskimos, you

know. When you're an old

Eskimo and you can't cut it,

they just take you

out in the snow

and leave you there.

It sounds cruel,

but it has it's dignity.

Nobody ever asked

an old Eskimo what they

thought of all of that.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Main Floor.

Lobby and public telephones.

(CARS HONKING)

(DOG BARKING)

(BABY CRYING)

MAN ON RADIO:

...sit around and wait

for him to have a nap.

MAN 2: You don't have to wait.

We're gettin' outta here.

MAN 1: Try it, you can't.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

* If you wanna see your baby

every night

* You gotta hang around

and smile

* 'Cause if you hang around

with a sour puss

* You just know that's

not her style, uh, uh, uh *

(MUSIC SLOWLY FADES)

MAN: We must sell,

sell, sell regardless.

MAN 2: My friends, grab this

'69 Ford Galaxy 500 V8

two-door hardtop, fast.

Fully equipped '71 trade-in,

fully powered, vinyl roof.

The full delivered price...

MAN 3: ...he was standing

on one leg, and uh...

MAN 4: (LAUGHING)

Yeah, right!

(VOICES FADING)

NEWS READER:

...the Ambassador was

only slightly injured.

Most of the damage

was to one room.

But this second attack

was further proof that the

Viet Cong and North Vietnamese

could strike at will...

MAN: Boy, it sure is.

BOY: That's an octopus.

See why?

MAN: Yeah!

WOMAN: Yeah, It certainly

looks like an octopus.

BOY: Very dangerous.

The teacher talked

about it in class.

BOY: Tells all about it,

in the home safety stuff.

(RADIO ADVERTISEMENT)

NEWS READER: Deputies moved

into the university area

where the disturbance began

to get out of hand last night.

Tear gas was lobbed into

the melee in an attempt

to disperse the crowd.

The young men then

responded with bricks,

bottles and stones.

For the University of Arizona

it was the third straight

night of violence

on and near the campus.

Violence growing out of the

so-called Street People's

demands that part of the

university area...

Listen, sailor, if you're

floating around in anything,

it's a $6 million...

...he was also

a good friend of mine.

(VOICES OVERLAP)

(OVERLAPPING VOICES CONTINUE)

(SIREN APPROACHING)

(STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYS)

(TESTING TONE)

T.R.: Boy, it's really rotten

what cities do to people.

It's just wrong to make 'em

look so insignificant.

I guess when you walk around

down there it's okay but, boy,

from up here...

Maybe that's why everybody

looks so paranoid when they

walk around here.

They know how

little they look.

MITCHELL: Are you hot?

No, I just wanted to see

if it would open.

MITCHELL: Why

wouldn't it open?

This place where I work,

you can't open the windows.

We're hermetically sealed.

We're like instant coffee.

Well that's because of

the air-conditioning.

In your newer buildings,

you open the windows,

you ruin the air-conditioning.

(CHUCKLES)

That's wonderful. If you

open the windows the air

ruins the air-conditioning.

Hah.

It's a nice view,

isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah. It's pretty from a

distance. Like somebody

with bad skin.

You sound like

you don't like it.

Well, I don't know.

Sometimes I enjoy it.

Oh.

Well, if it's so depressing

for you why don't you go

back home?

Boy, Mister Mitchell,

you must be kidding.

Boy!

I know where I'd go.

Where?

Inland Florida.

You know everybody

talks about Miami,

but inland Florida

is where it's

really going on.

What's going on

in inland Florida?

A boom, that's what.

That's right. Miami is

saturated, the property

values are too inflated.

But in inland Florida you

can really get your value.

What do you mean?

Eight years ago,

I bought four lots

in inland Florida.

Right by a lake.

It's really pretty.

Now, there's

not much there now,

but you have to know

how to see,

what things are gonna

be like when you

buy a place, right?

Absolutely.

I've been with

Con-Amalgamate

for 12 years.

And I don't know whether

you know this or not, but

Con-Amalgamate happens

to have the best

pension plan

in the country.

I didn't know that.

For every penny you put in,

they put something in.

You know, it's not much

in one week, but the weeks

and the years add up

and you retire

with a lot of money.

Do you have anything like

that where you work?

Yeah, we do have this

Medical Retirement thing,

it's really neat if you

happen to get run over

by an armadillo.

Con-Amalgamate

isn't like that.

In 13 years

I'll be eligible.

In 13 years I'll be able

to pay off the college,

sell the house,

and build on my land.

Nothing spectacular, but

something nice and solid,

where I can take

my shoes off.

Twenty-five years.

That's a very

expensive house.

It's not the house,

it's the freedom.

You can get up

when you want.

You can go to sleep

when you want.

You don't owe anybody.

You know what I'd love?

I'd love to be able

to make a mistake,

and not feel like I'm gonna

get in trouble for it.

I really have everything

all planned.

Every week,

a little at a time.

I know what colors I want.

I can even tell you

how much cheaper my

electric bill will be.

You don't have to

heat in Florida.

I've got it

all worked out.

Have you made your plane

reservations yet?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHATTING INAUDIBLY)

This is Steve, I'm Joe.

This is gorgeous

hair you've got.

How about a drink?

Want a drink?

Can I buy you a drink?

Let me buy you a drink.

I even said

your hair...

Listen, oh, come on!

Oh, hi, T.R.,

how you doin'?

Oh, hi John.

(CHATTERING)

This place is crazy, hey?

Heck, yeah.

So, what's the

office like?

(CHATTERING)

We just met tonight!

He's so tall!

I'm sorry.

Oh, gosh.

Hey, Tom!

What's up, John?

Where'd she go?

Who? Your friend?

Hello.

T.R.: Hi.

What would you like?

The Nobel Prize.

Well, uh, if they haven't

got one would you settle

for some coffee?

Yeah.

Donna?

WAITRESS: Coming.

What's your name?

T.R.

Hello, T.R.

Aren't you gonna ask me

what T.R. stands for?

All right. I give up,

what does T.R. stand for?

Thelma Ritter.

You're my favorite

actress.

What's your name?

Larry. Larry Moore.

What do you do?

I edit and publish

children's books for the

public school systems.

What do you edit in

children's books?

I erase all the penises

from the illustrations.

What do you do?

I don't really know for

sure. I push buttons

and I type things.

It's just that I'm

not really sure what

I'm pushing or typing.

I mean, last week

I thought I was filling

out purchasing forms

and then I got yelled at

for filling out sales

forms incorrectly.

So I wanted

to tell them,

"Listen, I am not

filling out sales forms."

But you don't do

that where I work.

You don't talk back.

If you do somebody

comes along with

a pair of pliers

and pulls your teeth

right out of your mouth.

Hmm.

Do you have

any brothers?

Yes, I used to have two,

but my mother made

me give them away.

Why'd she do that?

They were very messy.

What's your mother's

name anyway?

Margaret. Why?

For a second I thought

we had the same mother.

My father is

a very nice man

but he's very short.

What's so bad about that?

Nothing, it's just that

I'm not wild about being

taller than my father

and he's not crazy about

being shorter than me.

Well, how short is he?

Well, when he stands up...

His feet don't touch...

...the ground.

Let's go to my place

and I'll show you my

unedited children's books.

Does it talk?

I'm not setting foot in

this thing if it talks.

Never said a word to me.

Would you

like a drink?

No, thank you,

not right now.

You play tennis?

No, but I bowl a lot.

You bowl?

You like bowling?

I'm not really crazy

about bowling,

I just love the shirts.

What's this?

Oh.

I was a lieutenant.

Those are three men

in my platoon.

We swore that

everyone that

got out alive

would get together

once a year,

just to keep in touch.

You don't look like

you were in the army.

Well, I was.

Really?

Yeah.

Our side?

You shouldn't make

fun of a vet.

Where were you?

Oh, Fort Dix, New Jersey.

(SIGHS)

Are they yours?

Yep.

How come they're on

your wall instead of

in your house?

I don't know.

Yes, you do.

Yes, I do.

Well, it's because

their mother and I

could not look at

each other too closely

for an extended

length of time.

Either she's crazy

or you wet your bed.

Well, a little

bit of both.

See, she would yell

at me if I broke my leg

because she was upset.

I can understand

her being upset,

but after all,

it was my goddamn leg

that was broken.

And on the other hand,

I do use rubber sheets.

What about you?

What do you mean?

Umm...

What do you want?

Where are you going,

you know all those things

you put on

the applications,

what about them?

I don't know if

they're so important.

I just wish

everybody else

didn't look like

they knew exactly

where they were going.

I try to fit in, you know,

I really do.

It's just that, I can't help

thinking that what everybody's

trying to fit into

is a lot of crap.

I don't know if

I'm making myself

clear or not.

But do you know what

scares me more than

anything else in the world?

I'm afraid that if

you keep on getting

disappointed

you wind up

expecting less.

When I was a kid,

I was this, uh,

baseball card nut

you know.

This, you know,

the ones that come

with little slabs of

bubble gum that taste

like cardboard?

Yeah, well, I was

crazy about them,

and I collected them,

I traded them,

I stole them,

I hoarded them.

My wall was this

baseball card mosaic.

And I used to look at

the wall like a priest looks

at stained glass windows.

And all the players had

those great blank determined

looks on their faces,

you know, kind, honest

helping-old-lady

-across-the-street faces.

Well, I really

loved baseball and

I loved loving it.

Then, one day I grew up,

not voluntarily mind you,

I just wound up in a tweed

jacket in a box seat.

And, well, you know,

baseball players

are not very smart.

They read comic books

and they cheat

on their wives,

they're takers,

and they're really

just as rotten

as everybody else.

Maybe a little worse.

Anyway, it was a lot

more fun worshipping

baseball cards.

And I expected my wife

to be like this

Dial soap commercial,

with her head tilted back

in the shower all smiling

and squeaky clean.

And she wound up

worrying about her

maid being unreliable.

I guess it all depends on

how disappointed you get,

but at one point something

goes click and, uh...

You know,

the goddamn phone is

busy every time you call

so after a while you just

stop calling, that's all.

I don't know what the

hell I'm talking about.

Do you, uh,

do you want a drink?

Ah, I do.

(SIGHS)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Turn around.

What?

Turn around.

MAN: (ON RADIO)

...now sometimes where

bright people

like photographer

Jack Dickingcuff

win Pulitzers because

they live with their job...

Reach for the sky!

...takes 'em inside,

right, Jack?

Excuse me.

JACK: (ON RADIO) Really,

it's just an overwhelming

feeling that you, uh,

after shooting, uh,

was wrapped up

for the first day,

I would say I

had quite a bit of

difficulty sleeping,

I was just thinking about

the memories, the smells...

Say, Jack Mitchell.

MAN: ...for bright

readers like you.

I'm your bright

friend on the radio...

What do you think

about when you're

selling your tires?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,

you ever think about

setting your place on fire

or writing "I love you"

on the inside of

one of the tires?

What for?

I don't know.

Just to be able to

think about some guy

on the highway

changing his flat

and seeing your note.

No, I never thought

of doing that.

Just sell the old tires

and buy the house

in Florida, huh?

Well, I'm not

such a big man.

And you know that.

Hey, T.R., you won't

tell Larry about what

happened, will you?

Who the hell is Larry?

T.R.: Do you think

Nixon really goes

to bed with his wife?

I mean, do you think

they really take off

their clothes

and do it in White House

sheets with the official

seal on the pillow?

I would love it.

I would love it if the

whole Grand Old Party

were doing it

at this very moment

with their wives.

No.

In the first place,

they're probably

all asleep,

and secondly their wives

never take off those

little pearl earrings,

you know those

little pearl earrings

that they wear?

It's impossible

to do it with anybody

when they're

wearing those little

pearl earrings.

Anyway,

politicians do not screw,

they screw up, there's a

difference you know.

Whenever I lie on my back

in bed I think of a lot

of strange things.

Like what?

Like diapering

Winston Churchill.

What?

Yeah. Someone used to

diaper Winston Churchill

you know.

I thought he was

toilet-trained.

I'm serious. Winston

Churchill started out a

baby like everybody else.

Don't you ever think

of things like that?

I mean somebody

actually used to change

Adolf Hitler's diaper.

No. Somebody actually

forgot to change Adolf

Hitler's diaper.

I was gonna say Gandhi,

but Gandhi looks like

he always wore diapers,

so he probably

changed himself.

Listen, do you have any

other little poignant

observations

that come to you

while you're looking

at my ceiling?

Do you think I'm weird?

Yes, madam, I do.

Didn't anybody ever tell

you that you talk like a

typewriter?

Frankly no.

Well you do.

Any particular brand?

Yeah. One of those

older black tweedy ones

with the skinny keys.

Oh, yeah,

one of those.

Some people say things

that sound like they're

written in longhand, you know?

Cab drivers sound smudgy,

like this blunt pencil

and then I used to have a

grandmother who screeched

like chalk on a blackboard.

You, however,

talk like a typewriter.

Hmm.

What do you sound like?

I think a laundry marker.

How long have you

felt like that?

I don't know,

what time is it?

Why don't you

just lie back and,

you know, you can

tell me all about it.

I am lying back.

That's right. You are.

Mmm.

What are you

thinking about?

Nothing in particular.

It was a nice night.

Yeah, it really was.

Would you mind very much

if I didn't see you home?

'Course not.

I'm allowed to

cross streets.

You're really,

uh, all right.

You're not

so bad yourself.

Just, a little somethin'

for your carfare.

What?

LARRY: You know,

your carfare.

T.R.: What?

Now, wait a minute.

Hey, listen,

what the hell's

the matter with you?

Hey! Where the

hell are you going?

Jesus Christ!

(DOOR SLAMS)

AUTOMATED VOICE:

Twenty-third floor.

Actuarial Services

and Branch Relations.

(MICROPHONE SCREECHING)

Testing...

Umm...

You're probably all wondering

why I've invited you here.

I'd like to bring

your attention to

Mr. Walter Freebish.

Walter Freebish is in the F's.

Hello, Walter.

I just wanted you

to know how very

much we appreciate

the magnificent work

that you've done here.

Twenty-four years at it.

Magnificent.

Listen, old buddy, umm...

We're going to be

re-deploying our manpower,

as they say,

and we're going to

have to fire all the F's.

You understand, Freebish.

It all depends on how

disappointed you get.

But after a certain point,

something goes click.

Do you know what

I mean, Freebish?

Click.

Anything for me?

What's your name?

Occupant.

Operator?

I would like to

make a collect call to

Findlay, Ohio, please.

The number

is 241-3601,

area code 419.

T.R. Baskin.

Uh-uh,

Operator, T.R.

"T" as in

traffic accident.

Yeah, that's right.

Thank you.

Mom?

Hi, Mom!

Nothing, I just called

to see how you were.

How are you?

No, really,

nothing's wrong,

I just wanted to

see how you were.

No, I know, I'm sorry,

it's really early.

No, really,

I swear to you nothing's

the matter at all. I just...

I'm really sorry,

I didn't mean to

make you worry.

I'm sorry. I... I...

No, listen, I didn't

mean to wake you.

I'm really fine,

nothing's wrong at all.

Listen, Mom,

how's Dad anyway?

How is he? Oh, Ma,

would you please...

Don't wake him up.

Please don't wake

him up, Mom.

Would... Would

you please not

wake him up?

Hi, Dad!

Oh, no, I'm fine.

How are you?

No, listen, I'm not.

She lied, Dad,

I'm not in trouble.

I know, I didn't

mean to wake you up,

it's really early.

Oh, I didn't mean

to call so early.

I'm... Mom...

Mom?

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's in the

newspapers, Mom,

I don't live there.

God, Mom, what do

you think I am,

some pregnant junkie?

I'm sorry, Mom.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, Mom!

What do you

want me to do?

I'm gonna hire

some skywriter

and then the whole

air over Findlay will

be full of my apologies.

What do you...

I'm sorry.

(SOBBING)

I'm really sorry.

(CRYING LOUDLY)

You know you can never

mistake a Sunday

for anything else.

I mean sometimes a Tuesday

can feel like a Sunday,

you know?

But Sunday is

always Sunday.

I think I hate Sunday.

Makes me feel like

I haven't done my homework.

Today's not bad though,

you know.

I mean...

Even for a Sunday

it hasn't been a bad day.

You know something?

You're really

kind of sweet.

You really are.

You don't want to be,

but you are.

Do you mind if I

ask you a question?

I'd mind if you asked

me anything else

besides a question.

Are you happy?

I don't spend a lot

of time wondering

whether I am or not.

But are you?

I'm ecstatic.

No, I'm serious.

Well, you shouldn't be,

you know.

Things don't work

out too well when

you're serious.

I don't understand that.

That's okay,

neither do I.

Well?

Well, what?

Answer me.

(SIGHS)

Answer you.

What's a nice girl

like me doing

with the Automotive

Parts section,

Utica Branch, right?

Right.

Because I got tired of

looking at bra ads in

the newspaper?

That's not good enough.

Well, I'll bet you one

thing, Mr. Mitchell.

I'll bet you've got some

pictures of your family

in your wallet.

And I'll bet your son

has a clip-on bow tie,

and a crew cut and

a plaid sports jacket.

And your daughter has a

pigtail-smile on her face,

and your wife is

standing faithfully

in the driveway.

You've got this whole

Betty Crocker Cake Mix all

crinkled up in your pocket,

and you wind up

prowling around a

hotel room in Chicago.

You're trying to be kind

and compassionate,

and understanding,

not to mention tender,

but maybe you should worry

about why you're here,

Mr. Mitchell, instead of me.

I have to go now.

Can't you stay

a little longer?

No.

Well, can I

see you home?

No. I'm allowed

to cross streets,

you know.

Well...

(SIGHS)

Well, uh...

Well, thank you.

It was nice.

I'm glad I met you.

No, I really mean

that and, uh,

I hope you find

what you want.

Thank you.

I'm really glad

I met you too.

And I hope you

get your house.

I wish...

Mmm...

You know

what I wish.

Bye.

(DOOR SHUTS)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)