Sword of Trust (2019) - full transcript

Cynthia and Mary show up to collect Cynthia's inheritance from her deceased grandfather, but the only item she receives is an antique sword that was believed by her grandfather to be proof that the South won the Civil War.

Okay, welcome back. Last week
we were talking about

some of the stuff that you are
fed from the time you were born

and the, the facts that we accept
as facts and we never stop and go.

Wait a second,
um, is that true?

We never stop and try to think
outside the box

and try to live our lives
as free thinkers.

We're living our lives
as programmed robots.

Uh, I know, it's a little
dramatic, but it's true, too.

How often do you stop and
question the things around you

and just try to think outside
the box?

Um, so, uh, jumping back into
Hollow Earth Theory.

1692, an astronomer named Edmond
Halley says the Earth is hollow.

Wow! It is?

Yes, it is. It may, in fact..


Oh, look at that.
Nice old guitar.

Yes, it's just been sitting in
my uncle's attic collecting dust.

I clean it up a little bit.
I mean, it looks good.

- It's got, like, a little..
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Minor..
- Yeah, I mean, it's a.. You know, it's in good shape.

- It's an antique.
- It is an antique. It's a Silvertone guitar.

This was a, a sort of a cheap
guitar back when they were around.

Almost a department-store
guitar. Like a Kay guitar.

- Really?
- You know, a Kay guitar? They sell 'em at Sears.

- Oh. Really?
- So, yeah. I mean, it's in, it's in pretty good shape.

I always bragged about this guitar.
But it was just a.. I thought it was..

Well, you know, it doesn't, it
doesn't have to be

a great guitar for someone to have
a an amazing relationship with it.

- Do you know what I mean?
- I guess, yeah.

So given that it was not ever
an expensive guitar

though it's aged okay.
Uh, it's not..

It's a niche market, you know? I mean,
I have to find a buyer for this guitar.

- Mm-hmm.
- What do you got in here?

- I have some brand-new boots.
- Oh. Actually..

- From.. Made, hand-made in Mexico.
- Boots in the boot-box.

Yeah. They're like.. I think they're
lizard skin or something. Yeah.

These are nice.
That's a good brand.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh! Nope.
Not quite brand new. Huh?

I tried 'em on.

- Hey.
- Ah-a-hah!

Hey. Hey!

Oh. Yeah. Oh, shit!
Just.. I was..

- I got a customer.
- Yeah.

I mean, I mean, I know you got
the earphones in, but you know,

your mouth still makes
the noises.

- Sorry. I'm sorry.
- That's..

He's got a problem.
Okay. So..

I can give you, let's say..

How about a 100 bucks
for both of 'em?

- It's a good price. We're the, we're..
- Yeah?

You're gonna try to sell this by yourself?
What are you gonna do with these boots?

- Yeah.
- They, they.. I mean, they're nice, but they were used.

- You need the money, right?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- What do you say?
- Okay. Yeah. I mean..

Yeah. There you go. Hundred dollars richer.
Hold on. Let's just do our paperwork.

Can you give me your driver's license? I'll give
it to the kid to see if he can do some work.

Yeah. Sure.

Thank you. Hey.


You just sign that top X here?


You're not screwing me?

- I'm not screwing you.
- Okay.

- Ben.
- I trust you.

- Take care, man.
- Alright, thanks.

- Good doing business.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You, too.

- Hey.
- Appreciate it.

Yeah. Yeah. You got it.



There he is. What's up, Jimmy?

Nothin' much, man.
Unsweet, just like you like.

Thank you, buddy. So who's watching the
store? You just leave it open over there?

Oh, man. Of course, I did.
Left the register open, too.

Let it air out. That's what you
do when you pay your insurance.

- Yeah.
- You mind if I charge this thing up, man?

Sure, man. Hold on.
Right here.

Awkwardly-placed plug.

Almost ended up
with Southern-fried iPhone.

- You know you don't want that.
- Nah.

Look at this thing.

It's old and was never a good

but now, it's a, it's an antique
amazing guitar.


Ugh! That, uh.. You gotta be..

All day. All day.
I get this, man.

How do I get a job like that?

You might have it.
You need a job like that?

- Heh-heh-heh.
- You want it?

Let me, Le... let me see what's
left in the register.

- Okay.
- I'm gonna leave this here.

Okay, man. How much I owe you
for the tea?

- Ah, just put it on my tab.
- Alright. Alright.

You know I got my eye on that
bugle in the back.

Oh, yeah. That bugle's got your
name on it, buddy.


Oh, hey. Uh..

Hey, Mel, you, um, you want me to
take that stuff back to holding?

- You mean this stuff?
- Yeah.

No, I got it, apparently.

Alright. I'll just.. I'll fill
out the paperwork.

Yeah, why don't you fill out
the paperwork?


Is that boots and a guitar.

What kind of guitar is it?


- Somebody there?
- I know.

Is the door locked?


- Hello?
- Hello?


It looks exactly the same.


- Uh..
- Hi, guy.

That's my papa, Joe.
Next to my daddy.

- They look like twins.
- No way!

- What?
- He said he quit.

Ew! Is that gum?

- Well, yeah. That's his signature move.
- Hm.

We used to go out to
restaurants, he'd order a meal

he'd take it out and put it
right on the plate.

And then he'd eat his meal
and then put it right back in.

Look how..
Cute you are!

Oh, I'm so proud of you.


Oh, that was at my Aunt
Dee-dee's ranch.

Mm-hmm. Sweetie,
see why we gotta..

- I know.
- Look how cute she is.

Isn't it weird seeing some of
this stuff?

It's like, feels like a dream.

I should've visited more.

- Why didn't I do that?
- I don't know.

Well, what can you do?

You hungry?

I'm scared to look in there. Oh.

Oh, my God!



- Hey. Hi.
- Hello.

Huh! Hi.

- Hi.
- Sorry.

- Sorry.
- Hi there.

- We didn't mean to scare you.
- Oh, it's okay. That's alright.

Ahem. Well, um, you must be Mr.
Everly's, uh, granddaughter.

- That I am.
- Well, hi there. My name is Phyllis.

- Hi.
- We've got a couple of details we could go over.

So why don't y'all just take a seat at the
table and we'll get right down to it. Okay?

- Alright.
- Uh-huh. I'll be right in there.

Hey, Nathaniel.

Oh, hey, Deirdre.

How are you doin'?

Good. How are you?

Good. Good.

- Ugh!
- Is Mel around?

Yeah. No. He's just in the back. He's,
he's putting some stuff in holding.

Okay, cool. Cool.

You look good.

Well, thanks.

you still makin' those poems?

Oh, yeah. It's kind of what
keeps me going, you know?

Well, can I hear one?

- You wanna hear one?
- Yeah.

That is so sweet.

Um, well, I have the book with me.
I always have it with me. So..

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Let me see
what I can dig up here.

No. No, no. Not that one.

Ooh. I hate all these.
Why don't I just write you one?

- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay.

That sounds good.

I just need to talk to him
for a second. Quick second.


It's really good to see you,

It's really good to see you,

Can't believe it's, uh,
been so long.

You know?

Wow! Nice boots.

It's new?

Those the ones that guy just
came, uh, came in with?

She's just writing me a poem.


Gotta sign it.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

So, you owe me dinner.

When are you gonna come over and cook
for me? Have you ever had his guacamole?

- Nope.
- It is amazing.

He's still got a little New
Mexico in him.

I don't think that'd be a very
good idea.

Fair enough.

I'm not letting you off the
hook, though, that easy.

I'm gonna keep trying 'cause you
do owe me that fuckin' dinner.

What, what's goin' on, Dee?


Stuck on there.


It's, uh..
Uh, it's not for keeps.

You can't keep it.

This ring, though?

What else do I have?

It's all I have, and, uh,
I know you'll keep it safe.

I'm just.. It's just collateral.

I'm gonna come back for it with the
interest and everything. Every last penny.

You know I'm good for it. I mean,
I'm, I swear to God, I'm good for it.

You know I am because I fuckin' love
this ring. You know how much I love it.

Can't doubt.

You're not good for it.

I am, and here's why.

Because I have a job,
I don't know if you heard.

I got a job that is,
uh, going great.

They like me there, a lot.

Um, they actually like..

You know, they..

They give me a chance, and, uh,
they're really nice to me, and..

I'm doing good there.

My fuckin' car broke down, I can't
get there, uh, unless I fix my car.

I don't have any money and so I
just, I just need a fuckin' loan.

Could you just give me a loan?
Could you just loan me some fuckin'..

Do you know how hard it is for me to
come in here and ask you for this?

Look, I, I'm not the Salvation
Army, you know?

I can't.. I'm d..

You know.. It's not charity,
I can't do it.

Can't do it.

Not this time, Dee.

It's not,
it's not what you think.

It's not what you think.

- Isn't it?
- No.

I know you have no reason to believe
me, but it's not what you think.


Uh, you know..

I got no one to blame but
myself. I nailed that door shut.

I know. I did. Um..

And I know it's stupid
that I came in here at all.

What the fuck was I thinking?
Such a fuckin' idiot.

Um, it was really good to see

- You, too.
- Seriously.

Enjoy your, uh, poem.

Thank you.

And.. I'm sorry.


Okay. Well..

Like I said in the kitchen,
we've got a couple of things to discuss.

- How's the roof?
- Yeah.

I, I think it's fine.

- Oh, good.
- That's good.

'Cause I was gonna say,
if it is not,

do people metal-seam roofs here

or is that like a lightning rod?

What about the plumbing?
Is it original?

Um.. I actual.. I don't

I don't know about the plumbing,
but, um..

I'm sorry. Did, did you think
that you were getting the house?

- Are we, are we not?
- No?

Oh, I assumed that you knew that
there was a reverse mortgage

put down on the house to help take care
of Mr. Everly in his waning years, so..


The house belongs to the bank
now. Yeah.

- Do we get it back from the bank?
- Um, wait.

- So there's a reverse mortgage.
- Yes.

Now, does that mean if we sell
it and we just take a hit?

- Yeah, how about takin' a hit?
- No.

Unfortunately, it, it does
belong to the bank now.

I understand. It's, it's a lot
of news, but, um,

I do think that you will be really
pleased with what you were left.

- Oh.
- Okay?

Alright. Silver lining.

Ahem. So this was really
important to Mr. Everly.

It was the one thing he said he
didn't want to leave the family.

So here you go.

What is it?

It's a sword.

What kind of sword?

An antique one.


- Thank you so much.
- Yes.

He did also, specifically in
relation to the sword,

he's left you this, and, um..

It looks like a personal letter
as well.

Um, I did wanna let you know
that, uh, the bank's not closing

on the house for at least
another week.

So if you need somewhere to stay,
you're welcome to stay here,

although there.. The, the
bedroom smells a little funny.

Okay. I'll get out of your way.

- Alright.
- Alright.

- Thank you, Phyllis.
- Of course.

- Yeah.
- Buh-bye.

Thank you. You're very..

I.. We appreciate it.
We appreciate it.

- No problem.
- We appreciate it.

- Bye!
- Thank you.

I am so sorry. I know this
wasn't what you were hoping for.

I mean..

Oh, my goodness!
I remember this old thing.

He used to bring it out at
Christmas time and, um

on birthdays, special occasions.


I just think
it's really screwed up.

It's, like, what is wrong
with our society?

He worked himself to the bone
his whole life.

But he had to leverage every single thing
he owned to see him through his old age?

And then he can't leave you anything,
except this, probably, useless old..

What? What are you reading?
What's it say?

You tell me.


Okay. Okay.

- Okay.
- Keep goin'.

He's very clearly a little..

- Was he?
- Demented? Yeah. Very.

What is this that he's..
Why is he saying Sherman?

And then on the next page
it says Sheridan.


But then here it says Chickaboo.


This is not saying what I think
it's saying.

Yeah. It's bad.

Oh, my God!

Oh. Honey,
I have the heebies. I..

I don't want anything to do
with this.

That's Charley Patton.

Charley Patton was a,
uh, a blues man.

One of the originals.
Delta blues.

Actually, the guy. Maybe you've
heard of Robert Johnson?

'Cause I think Charley Patton actually
taught Robert Johnson how to play guitar.

And he was part-Indian
actually, American Indian.

- I'm just nervous.
- Cherokee or, uh Choctaw. I just learned..

I just feel like, the story,
it was so crazy.

I can't remember the right

Confidence. Just got to be in
here with confidence, alright?

I don't think I can sell that
one. I just decided that.

- Oh.
- There's other ones.

I... I, I like that one.
I.. Maybe I'll sell it.

I don't know.

We're just gonna get a price.

- Have a good day.
- You have a good day, too.

How are you, ladies?

What do you got?

Uh, we're lookin'
to sell this item.

Well, that's interesting seal.

I don't think I've ever seen
that before. What is it? A sword?

- That's right.
- Can I look at it?

Yeah, just be careful.

It's very fragile.

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Haven't seen one of these in a
while. Civil War period.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Can I take a look at it
underneath the glass?

Uh, sure.

Oh! This kitty cat.

Is this is a cream pitcher?

Uh.. Yeah.
Yeah, cream pitcher.

- 'Cause a cat always wants milk.
- Scabbard.

- So it's kind of..
- I know. That's right.

Okay, I'm gonna take it out.

It's in very good shape.


Seems like the real deal.

And it's a Union sword which I
don't see around here much.

Mostly Confederate swords.

Okay. Well, I can give you..


How about 400 in cash
for this sword today?

That's a.. No, that's a
reasonable offer.

That's a nice, that's a nice
first, uh, toss.

- I can see why you would do that.
- Uh..

- Only because you don't know the story behind it.
- That's right.

Well, I, I've seen this type of
sword a bit before.

I think it's a good price,
you know, with or without story.

- Mm-hmm.
- Think you're gonna wanna hear this.

You're gonna wanna hear this

- Okay. I'm all ears.
- Right.

- Okay.
- Tell him the story.

Uh, you're correct.

This is a Union sword.

This was given to my great-great


who was a field marshal
in the Confederate Army.

- Yeah.
- And this was surrendered to him by General Sherman.

- Sheridan.
- Sheridan.

It was surrendered to him
by a Union general? I..

- Mm-hmm.
- What battle are we talking about here?

This battle?
Oh. It's Chickabauga.



- I don't..
- Oh.

- I don't think that battle..
- Not familiar with it?

I don't think it happened.

- Well, it happened.
- Okay.

I assure you, 30,000 men lost
their lives that day.

- Wow!
- Mm-hmm.

- You probably haven't heard of it 'cause it's buried.
- Mm-hmm.

- Buried?
- It's not in history books.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, what do you mean buried?

It is buried from the history


...by... deep state.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Because of deep state.
- She's saying it's..

- Deep state?
- Deep state. Yeah.

Shadow government.

Oh, that was the original name?
Shadow government?

Okay, what you're looking at..

- Yes.
- ...is a genuine relic.

- Is it?
- A very valuable piece of evidence..


...that supports
the actual truth,

which is, the South won the war.

- Okay. The South won the war?
- That's right.

- Show him the documentation.
- Yeah.

There.. Here.

Have you told anybody else this?

This is something you wanna keep under your hat
till you're ready to not keep it under your hat.

It seems like pretty big news.

This is a certificate of authenticity.
Can you read what that says?

Yeah. The Order of Invictusians.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Truth, truth, truthers.
- The bearers of truth.

"In his elected authority as
keeper of truth does hereby

"vouch safe and authorize
legitimate authenticity, uh,

and voracity of the Union officers
sword.." I, I don't know what this is..

- Read what year that is, please.
- I see the date, it says 1881.

- But I... I mean, it could say today, and I... I don't..
- Can you..

- Careful. Just careful.
- Alright.

- Alright.
- Great. So that's that.

- So.. That's that.
- Mm-hmm.

Alright, are you sure he's ready
for this?

Listen.. This is gonna blow
your mind..



This drawing right here is
basically a photograph of the time.

I know it's a drawing.

- This is General McClellan..
- Mm-hmm.

...surrendering to General Lee.

Right, but I, I mean,
it doesn't mean anything.

- Well..
- How does this not mean anything? How's this not proof?

- Proof of the South winning the war?
- Correct.

- I mean..
- This drawing?

I mean, who's gonna wake up in the
morning and say I'm gonna draw a lie?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Great.

So the South won the war,
and these documents prove it.

And, uh, this is a sword that
was part of that story.

- The whole package?
- Mm-hmm.

- Whole package.
- Now that you know..

- Four-hundred dollars.
- Wait, what?

What do you.. I mean, what were
you expecting really? This, I..

I mean, I don't.. We don't, we
don't, we don't need this.

Uh, it's hard to believe that..

The truth. It's hard for people
to swallow the truth.

- It is. It's hard. Look..
- You're..

You're saying that the South won
the Civil War, correct?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Alright.
- Have a great day.

Thank you.

You know what?

- My name is Mary.
- Mm-hmm.

When you come to your senses,
that's how you reach me.

Thank you. I'm Mel.

- I should.
- Mm? Where are you goin'?

Is this cream pitcher true
to tag?

- True to what?
- Is it $15?


I'm Cynthia.

I'm Nathaniel,
if you come back in.

- What?
- You gotta offer 5.

He says 12, you say 7,
then you end up on 8.

I didn't know..

No, when you're buying..
Come on, come on.

Sorry. I didn't know.

What was that bullshit? Wow!

You think I was born yesterday? I mean,
what kinda, what kind of scam was that?

- Uh, uh..
- I mean, who'd they think they were talking to?

A fuckin' idiot? I don't know.
Maybe they really believe that shit.

I mean, you know what the
problem with it is?

Here's the problem
with believing bullshit

is that eventually it'll erode
away the real truth.

- Yeah.
- I think the sword was real.

But why would you sit there
and go like, I got it.

I know how we'll sell
this thing right away.

So let's just say it proves that
the South won the Civil War.

That was fucking ludicrous.

It's insane.

I mean, no one would believe that.
I mean, do you think they believe that?

Well.. If they,
if they do believe it

it looks like they're not
the only ones.

There have been so many crucial
battles in this war

against the northern aggressors

that have been obfuscated
and obliterated.

And what I'm trying to do is
I'm just trying to unearth..

What the fuck is happening?

We've won this damn war.

There's more of these people?

The best way to do this is
through artifacts.

We need to come up with concrete
evidence and we..

- Oh, it's that.. That's the same picture.
- Yeah.

...handsomely for these.

We are happy to pay
what these precious,

precious items are worth.

I'm talkin' $2000, $5000..

Is this antique roadshow
for racists?

...Up to $50,000..

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Holy shit!

...Southern air
that we were meant to.

And if you're gonna tell me that
my Southern grandma didn't win

you and I have an issue!


Let's get that sword and take these
fuckers for everything they're worth.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Uh, yeah, we have an item
we might wanna sell.

No, we definitely,
that we definitely wanna sell.

You aren't one of them
carpetbaggers, are you?

- What?
- Where are you callin' from?

Birmingham, Alabama.

Ha-ha. Alright. Right.

Ho... hold on.

Uh, I'm texting you
a WhatsApp handle.

What just happened?

He's gonna WhatsApp us.

What? Zap us?

- What?
- What are you talking about?

WhatsApp us. He's gonna WhatsApp
us. It's an app.

- What is WhatsA..
- It's an app. It's... it's..

Oh, right.
An app for the phone.

- Yeah.
- Alright, so..

Do you want, do you want me
to download it?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

It's just a simple app. It's not
like that big of a deal.

It's, it's so that you can..

It's so that you can message people,
uh, in like Europe and stuff.

And it's also end-to-end
encryption so that no one can see

your messages
even if they get your phone.

- Right.
- Alright, well.

Your handle is Delta Mel. Okay.

Yeah. I can be that guy.


Well.. Um, okay.

It says, uh,
send picture of item.

- We don't have a picture.
- No, I know.


Hey, Mary. Christina.

- Mary, Cristina.
- Cynthia.

- Cynthia.
- Cynthia.

Alright. Uh, I know
you're excited

but you gotta step back
a little bit.

Alright. I've rethought it.

I'm willing to offer you $650
for the sword.

- Mm. Interesting. Goin' up.
- A little bit. A little bit.

Yeah. Okay. What's the deal?
You just thought about it?

No, we just, uh.. I looked at
some comparable swords

and I, and I thought I low-balled you a
little bit, so I thought I'd offer you..

Okay, so, so you found someone
who wants to buy?

- Someone who is interested?
- No, there's nobody.

I just wanted to offer you
a little bit..

Nobody? Nobody's interested?

Why can't I just rethink something
and then offer you more money?

Obviously, you got something up your
sleeve. I wanna know what it is.

- Seven-hundred-and-fifty dollars.
- Oh. Aha! Okay.

So what's goin' on, good sir?

You got, what, somebody offering you
ten times that, twenty times that?

I did a little more..
No. No, no..

Where are we? Where is it

I think you're getting
way ahead.

- You got a buyer?
- No. I, uh..

- What's his name?
- I..

If, if there's a hypothetical
buyer, might..

Okay, you know what? I'll give
you $800. Take it or leave it.

Oh, I think we'll leave it.
Thank you so much.

Oh, where are you gonna go with
your sword and your silly documents?

- We're gonna go get hot dogs.
- Alright.

- Hey..
- Alright. Alright, alright, alright. Alright. Come on.

- Come back. Just come back.
- Aw. You sure?

- Let's talk turkey.
- Okay.

Come on. What do you got?

So there,
there's a interested party.

- How much is she?
- Don't, please don't touch. Don't touch the tag.

- I can't touch the tag?
- Don't touch the tag, because I will take care of that.

- That doesn't make sense.
- You don't, but you don't understand. It's very precious.

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I getting in
the way of my little sword?

- The tag is?
- The, the offer stands.

We can partner up on this thing,
but you need me to sell the sword.

You need us,
or you're not selling shit.

Alright, you have the sword.
Exactly. So..

- That's right.
- Seventy-thirty sounds fair to me.

Honey, seventy-thirty sound good
to you?

Is it seventy for us?

- No.
- No deal.

Thirty for us. No deal.

Right. No. No deal.

- Alright. Sixty-forty?
- No.

She's been through a lot.
Actually owned by Charley Patton

who was a Chickataw. Chic.. Um..

A Chickataw?

He was a part-Indian,
uh, jazz guitarist.

- Fifty-fifty.
- That's what I thought.

Okay. Great. We gotta take a
picture of the sword.

So take a picture.

I can do that with my phone,

Yeah. I feel like
I'm in great hands.

Yeah, you can take a picture
with your phone.

- Hey, Nathaniel, can.. Nathaniel!
- Yup. Yeah.

Can you take a picture
of the sword?


- Okay, do you want this one?
- I want the dress.

- Okay.
- No heads.

Alright. I got it.

- Can you get one with heads?
- Hey, we don't need..

What are we doing now?
What's happening?

Alright, we'll put this away.
You guys take this and we'll, uh,

we'll get in touch with you with
the next phase of the plan.

We'll be in touch.

Alright. What happens now?

I sent the photo,
now we just gotta wait.

I think Cynthia
has a crush on me.

No, I think you're
misreading that.

Oh! Okay. Um, send address.

We'll send someone tomorrow
at 10:00.

- Okay.
- Yeah?


- You alright?
- This is exciting.

It is exciting.

Alright, 100, 200, 300, 50,
70, 80, 380.

Great. And there is your coat.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, just sign right there.

- Thank you.
- And enjoy your coat.

And if you need us to babysit
it again, we will.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

- Hopefully not.
- Hopefully not is right.

Hey, Mr. Gayton.

Hey, Jimmy,
what's happening, man?

Did you come for the phone?

Hey, you know the exchange.
Fries for phone.

Fries? I can't eat 'em anymore,
you know that.

I've got sludge in my heart.

Oh, really? I thought you gave
up on that organ years ago.

I did, but I still need it to
function so I can stay alive.

What are you, what are you

Well, do you have any ketchup?

I think there's a couple of
packs of ketchup over there

where you're usually sitting away from
me without.. You're like a growth.


Ah, God. So what's happening?
How is your day going?

Oh, man, so far so good, man.
But you heard about Deirdre?

- What?
- Just life right now, man.

Car trouble, job trouble.
Like, you name it.

Alright, so what? She came by your
place and did the one-woman show?

She did it here, too. It's very interesting,
it's very, very touching, very moving.

Look, man, I can't do it anymore
with her, Jimmy.

I can't give her money.
Then it never stops.

She keeps taking money. I can't show up
as a friend because then it never stops.

She keeps taking, taking till
I'm drained, I got nothing left

I got no store, I got no life,
I got no car.

It'll be just me and her strung
out with a goddamn shopping cart.

Maybe a cat. Have you seen those cats
that can be with homeless people?

Just on their shoulder and stuff.
Then that's what will happen.

I'll just walk to your place and
it'd be both of us

and she'll try to sell you a poem
and you'll be like, man, this is sad.

And then I'll be like, "Yeah,
but look at the cat."

I get it. Just remember why you
can't eat the fries.

Oh! Alright. Understood.

Thanks for the juice.

Yeah, man.
Thanks for the knowledge.

We're watching video online, we call the
number, they called us back, we downloaded...

- Who is he?
- I don't know!

- We have no idea.
- We didn't talk to the guys, we got..

How you doing? Can I help you
with something?

You might be able to.

Are you the guy?

Oh, most definitely the guy.
Are you the guy?

Well, I'm the..
Uh, yeah, I am the guy.


Mind if I ask your name?

Hog Jaws.

- Hog Jaws.
- Yeah. What's your name?


Fair enough, Mel.
Can I open it up?


Have you been touching it with a
bare hand? You shouldn't.

- No. I didn't.
- There are no oils on this?

No, sir.

You mind if I take a look at this?
Can I take it out of the scabbard?

- What?
- You mind if I take it out of the scabbard?

- Yes.
- I'll take this out there. Yup.

Okay, okay. Okay.

- Alrighty.
- That's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not looking bad.

We're getting down to it, Mel,
aren't we?

Yup. Yup.

I think we're getting down
to it.

Says right here. Well, that's

Whose sword is this?

- Whose sword is this?
- Where did it come from?

It's, uh, it's mine.
It's ours.

Do you have any authenticity,
you have any papers on it?

Yes, we do. We do. Right here.

And there's a drawing you might
wanna see.

- Drawing. There's a..
- Right.

Certificate of authenticity.

Alright. Heh.

- Now, who's this Everly?
- That's my name.

- That's my grandfather.
- That's your family, it's Everly?

That's my, that's my family.

- You got it from your grandfather.
- Yes.

And... and where did your
grandfather get it?

Okay, so her great-great-great

I'd like to hear it from her
if I could.

This is her family, her blood.

Well, we both,
we both know the story.

But you can talk on it.

Yeah, well, I could. I could.

Story goes, uh, Civil War.

1803, and there we are,

at the battle of.. Chickapoo.

We're 15,000 people,

3-30,000 people lost their lives
that day.

Long story short,
my great-great-great-great-grandpappy

he was a general in the
Confederate Army.

Mm. A... and there they are
battling up against

uh, General Sherman Sheridan.

They've got him cornered,
the Union.

They were in that creek.
They don't know how to get out.

And one of the soldiers
was like

"This is a bad idea,
but I'll throw it out there."

Why don't we surrender
your sword?

This here is one piece
of history

in the long list of pieces.

That means that the South did,
in fact, win the war.

- Exactly.
- Exactly.

Ain't it the truth? Hallelujah!

Well, that's what we we're looking
for is the goddamn truth here.

- That's right.
- Mm-hmm.

To get the truth, to get
to the bottom of this thing.

- Yes.
- To eliminate the bullshit and the lies.

- Yes.
- Let's, yeah, let's, let's put the truth out there.

- Yes.
- Yup.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna keep a lookout now.

There are gonna be other offers
on this 'cause the word's out.

- Word's out?
- But you wait for us.

There's a lot of untrustworthy
motherfuckers around here.

The boss may wanna see this,
we'll be in touch.

Alright. I'll see you soon.

Oh, my gosh,
I just had a panic attack.

I, I didn't do.. Did I do it? It
sounded good?

Yeah, it's great.
You did great. You did..

- Oh, my God..
- Don't touch me like that!

- Alright, listen, listen. Can I just ask you one question?
- What?

Why didn't you just tell me from the
beginning that you're both full of shit?

I mean, you couldn't even keep the story straight.
Well, you don't believe any of this shit.

- What are you talking about?
- What are you talking about?

If you're gonna run a con,
at least get the lies straight.

- What inconsistency?
- It didn't even make sense, 15,000, 30,000.

He's a general now? A general?
Wasn't he a field marshal before?

- Okay. You know what? We..
- I mean, what the fuck?

- It's very hard...
- Doesn't make any sense.

From the beginning it's just, like, you're,
you're sitting there doing sign language.

- She's making up shit.
- We don't believe it, we don't believe it.

- Honey..
- I... is your grandfather real?

- He's real.
- Yes, my grandfather is real.

He, he just, he left this story and..
The story is real confusing.

It's.. If you can make heads or tails
of it, great. Congratulations, but..

Damn it.

Oh, this is like a,
like a Alzheimer's..

Yeah, and see how he's calling him
Sherman here and then look over here.

Now he's Sheridan. Here he's a field,
field marshal. Now he's General Everly.

So, so your grandfather was,
had mental problems and he..

Well, he was 98.
He had troubles with the mind.

Uh, alright, so let's just be
on the same page.

We're just trying to sell this
thing for a lot of money.

Well, you don't believe this
shit, and that's that.

Okay, so I don't know who these
people are.

I don't know what kind of scary
shit they're capable of.

We gotta get this story straight and also,
maybe you should leave the sword here.

- Wait a second.
- Yeah, just trust me already.

What do you.. How is it gonna be
protected here?

- We do have a safe. Yeah.
- I have a safe! Come on.

- Alright, fine.
- Alright.

- God! Use a glove.
- Careful.

Have we learned nothing today?

Fuck. Hey, do we have anymore
of this glass cleaner in back?

Yeah, I think so.

Can you grab it for me?

- Yeah, I'll check.
- Thank you.

How you doing, fellas?

Whose place is this?



What can I help you with?

Why don't you say that again?

What can I help you with?

Mm. Don't sound like he's from
the South.

I am from the Southwest.

New Mexico.

- Don't count it if it has Mexico in it.
- Mm-hmm.

What, where did you think
I was from?

- I thought maybe you're from the East Coast.
- Yeah.

- Just face it..
- What does that mean?

What do you, what do you mean when
you say that? Something East Coast.

What does that mean when you...
You guys say that kinda stuff?

I mean a bunch of things.
New York.

Yeah, New Jersey.

New Jersey, Massachusetts.

- Maine.
- Maine.

Some parts of Florida.

Yeah, Virginia.
Some Mid-Atlantic.

- Mm.
- You guys are smarter than I thought.

Okay, so what can I help you

We came here looking for

Uh-huh. I got a lot of stuff.
Can we, can we narrow it down a little?

Some might call it a prover
item, heard you have it.


A prover item? A prospect?

Why are you just repeating
what he says?

Because if I just said that to
you, would you know

what the fuck I was talking

If I owned a pawn shop,

- A prospect?
- We're looking for a sword. A sword.

See, why was that so hard?

- It wasn't hard.
- It wasn't hard.

Why did we have to take that
route to get there?

Thirty seconds to get there.
It wasn't that long.

Okay, sword. I have a couple
of swords over there.

I got a Samurai
sword, I got another sword.

I think it's a French sword.
I mean, those are the swords I have.

I don't know what.. Are you
looking for a particular sword?

We're looking for a sword, it's
American. It came in a couple days ago.

I.. Okay. I... I've not seen a sword
come through here in a long time.

- Doesn't seem like he's bein' honest with us.
- No.

I don't know what you guys are,
are getting at

but I, I, I think I've had
enough of this conversation.

Alright. Whoa! What the fuck?

Give us the fucking sword,
you fucking Jew.

Yeah, I knew that's what you
meant when you said East Coast.


Whoa, no, hey! Whoa! Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey! Let him go!

- Who the fuck are you?
- Hey, Mel!

Is it hot enough in here
for you?

Yeah. Hey, Jimmy,
how is it going, man?

Pretty good.

Ain't got a problem,
we're just talking.


Just talking.

Thanks for coming by, fellas.

My pleasure.

- Ah..
- What the hell, Mel? Don't you have a gun?

- Yeah, I got a gun.
- Where is it?

- I don't know.
- It's in the back.

- It's in the back.
- It's in the back.

The antlers are out here,
but the gun's in the back.

Get it out here.

Okay, I might not be here
next time.

Alright, understood.
Thanks, Jimmy.

Don't mention it.


Well, I can barely breathe right
now. That was pretty..

Yeah, was it hard for you when I
was being held at screwdriver point?

- Uh, I..
- Was it a tough time for you?

Can't believe you.. I was just
looking out for you, man.

Hold on a minute.

What? What is it? Who is it?

Oh, no. Holy shit.


Forty-thousand dollars.

Forty-thousand dollars.

- Alright.
- That's crazy!

- Okay.
- For that fucking sword.

Wait, something else just came
in. Do we wanna sell?

Yes, we wanna sell.
How was that even a question?

I mean, I don't know, we just..

Oh, tha.. Yeah, so what?

Those, the garbage people are
gonna be, uh

around us at all times
with this thing.

Let's just,
let's just knock this out.

- Done.
- Okay. Now what?

I... I don't, I don't.. Okay.

"Transport is coming to take you
to the bus. Wait outside."

What, what does that mean,

It means there's something
coming to pick us up and...

Yeah, but why can't..
Wait, I don't know about that.

I just.. Why can't they just
bring a briefcase of money?

We gotta see the bus, Mel.

We're in it now. Alright?

We're in the shit together.

We're in the shit, me, you,
the two ladies and that's it.

And it's gonna be fucking

So we just gotta keep it cool,
we gotta get that $40,000.

I'm so hard right now. I can
barely keep my mind straight.

Wait a minute, are you using
that word right?

Yeah, I think so. I'm just gonna
go take care of some business.

Um, just, um.. Oh, let me know
when the ladies get here.

This is..

- Hey.
- Hey. Alright.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Still got this, I see.
- Yeah.

- No. Give her the sword.
- Oh, you want it?

Oh, yeah, I want the sword.


What's all tied up back there?
Why the shovels?

- I don't know.
- Hey, how are we all gonna fit in there?

Think you have to do that to
turn the car off.

Got it? Come on, Mr. Mel, let's
you and me take a ride.

Should we just follow
in our car or..

No, you're not gonna follow nothin'.
It's me and Mel. Come on, get that...

No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, he can't.

Sorry, 'cause
he's my, he's my husband and..

I guess we're all going, we're
all going, baby, right?

Yeah. We all have to go

I can't fit but one in here.

No, listen. I know how it goes.

You start your moonshine,
he's three days sober.

Pastor Eric is not having it.
I'm not having it. I'm going with!

And we're engaged and so..

It's gonna be the four of us.

Is there a way we can do that?

I got another vehicle
I can bring up.

How long is that gonna take?

Take as long as it needs, I guess.
Why don't you stand here in the sun?

I'll be right back.

Fuck! Bullshit.

You guys wanna go inside, wait?
It's a little hot.


- It's very dangerous.
- I found out the hard way. Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, you did.

So we goin' outside,
walkin' outside.

I wasn't paying attention
that there was a bench.

- Is that right?
- Mm-hmm.

I was looking back.
Walking forward.

I tripped over the bench.

I thought I fell on the bench.

I fell on my.. Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, my goodness. I was hurt.

Well, fuckin' get in.

This guy doesn't have a sedan?
Seats five comfortably.

We're just gonna need one..

Just a s... single..

- Uh, yeah, I..
- I..

This, this is definitely how
people die.

Shh! No, no, no, this is how
individual people die.

There is four of us. Plus, well, you
know, Mel, we have a, we have a weapon.

It's a fuckin' sword. I don't think
you have a real understanding of death.

Yeah. I mean, why are you so
excited about this thing, huh?

- You know this guy?
- No!

- You know this guy?
- No. Do you know this guy?

- Do you know this guy?
- I don't know you. How do I know you're not in with him?

- You know this guy?
- None of us know this guy. We just met him!

- We don't even know you! You found the guy.
- Hey! Hey!

Hey, what are you yammin' about?

You want to have $40,000,
get in the van.

- Oh, I don't have a seat belt.
- Honey, nobody's got...

There's no seatbelt.
These are, but there's..

No one's got seat-belts,
these are the tires.

- This is a tire?
- Yeah, the tires are..

Oh, oh. Here we go.

Right, it's happening, man.

We're in this shit now.

Well, at least it's padded.

So no one can hear you scream.

So, so, um, how did the two
of you meet?

Oh, it's a long story.

I think we got some time.

We met at a restaurant.
Her restaurant, actually.

- It's not my restaurant.
- Well, I call it her restaurant.

- It's not.
- I came in 'cause I needed a job desperately.

And then, well, she gave me a... a simple
task and she thought I could handle it.

And then I couldn't handle it.

- Like a cooking thing?
- I was, uh, choppin'...

Like a chopping thing.

But can you chop
or you just nervous?

I'm not good on the job,

My mind goes places. But, uh,
yeah, she had to fire me.

- But...
- So then you, you yelled at me and I cried and..

But then you,
you came out after me.

You came out after me, you followed
me out and you said so aggressively

"Do you, uh, do you wanna see
live music?"

That's all I could think of.

It's the way she said it, though,
you know, it just makes me laugh.

How long have you been together?

- Four-and-a-half years.
- Hm.

So what's the big plan
with the cash?

Well, we wanna, I mean,
eventually we wanna have a kid.

- Ah.
- Oh.

- That's nice.
- Mm-hmm. Can't really do it on our own, so..

What, are you gonna buy a kid,
buy sperm? Have one? What..

No, I want, I want Cynthia. I mean,
we talked about it. She'll carry.

D.. Okay, so you're... you're gonna, you're
gonna carry the kid? That's the plan?

I'm hoping, if I can.

You seem the more motherly
of the two of you.

- Oh, does she?
- Yeah.

Oh, that's.. Thank you.
That's great.

- You're welcome.
- I think he's meaning it as a compliment.

Well, it doesn't sound like
a compliment.

I think you're two sides
of the mother coin.

Like, you know, you're just maybe uncomfortable
and I felt like I'd done something wrong

and then I look at her and I'm
like it's gonna be okay.

- Yeah.
- Okay, so that's...

That is so sweet.

So together you make
one good mom.

No, I'm with you.
I'm not gonna argue this.

I'm with you a hundred percent.

You always sound like you are
arguing, am I right?

- There's a tone that you have.
- I get that.

It's like, like right away,
it's like we're not arguing

but why are you talking
like that?

Sometimes I get very angry and I
don't know where it comes from.

It's like a cauldron and it's
just boiling all the time.

- Why is that?
- And all of a sudden..

I don't know why! It just is!

- I'm sorry, honey.
- No, that's fine.

See, that's what I mean. Like,
I'm not, I'm sort of mad at you

because for some reason you rub me the wrong way,
but there's no specific thing you just did.

Well, so we're lookin', we're lookin'
to have a... a family down the line.

But first, um, I'm actually
gonna follow my dream

and Mary supporting me,
which is so lovely.

- Mm-hmm.
- What's your dream?

Well, it's, uh, it's to own,

and create a successful escape

- Oh, wow!
- Wait, what's an escape room?

Oh, you have 60 minutes in a
room and you got to solve a...

A series of puzzles to
essentially escape the room.

Who the fuck needs that in their
life? With the...

That's what I was saying 'cause
I was thinking that is life.

No, first she was not on board
with it and I said "It's

it's a, it's an activity,
it's a type of fun."

So, you know, for example, for the
casino room you'll find this, you know

this laser pointer and, um, you can't
point it at anything from this angle

'cause you're actually handcuffed to
the side of the room in the beginning.

Uh, but if you point it into the mirror
up the top of the casino room, um

it actually angles directly into something
that then unlocks. It's like a whole thing.

So it's like an amusement park

No, but it's like in a

You just set it up once and then
you just burn and turn.

People just go through that thing and
they either do a good job or they don't.

All day long, people are, like,
how do I get out of here.

And if they win, you know what they get?
Tickets to another escape room.

The money makes its own money.
It's crazy.

How long have you two been

- Heh-heh..
- No, no.

- Oh, you're not together?
- No. Come on.

That's disgusting. Why he.. Ugh,
I would never.

Um, well, I mean, you don't have to be insulting,
but, no, we are not, not that kind..

Oh, no. Oh, Mel, no, I'm sorry.

No, I.. Look, I think you have a,
you've, like, a really great face.

I just don't think sexually
or compatible, compatible.

Thank you. That's fine.

Yeah, no, we're... we're not together.
We're just, uh.. He's, uh..

- We're buddies.
- Yeah, he..

I don't know. He's been working
for me for a few years..

Yeah, three. Goin' on three.

Came in wanderin' around like
some lost dog lookin' at stuff.

I don't know, he seems..

And then remember?
You had to leave that one day.

- That's what started it.
- Yeah.

I had to go deal with,
uh, Deirdre.

And he was hangin' around.
I said, watch the store.

And he watched the store
and now I, he's still here.

Who's Deirdre?

Uh, she's a friend of mine.

But, um, but, yeah.

So, yeah, so that's been a few
years that's he's been over there.

But I've had this store.

I've been work.. I've been there
for like 15 years now.

Why'd you get into pawn?

Well, what happened was sort of
a circuitous thing.

Like I, you know, I come from
New Mexico.

And then when I was in my 20s,
I was in New York

and, um, I had a dream,
you know, back then.

Uh, I was gonna, uh, you know

be in a pretty important

And I got to New York and I... I
got a job driving a van

and, uh, lived on Lower East

And I went to the sidewalk cafe
and there was a waitress there.

Deirdre. She's pretty.

I was pretty struck.

And she's kind of loopy, but had
an edge to her, pretty funny.

I don't know, just threw ahead
of my number, you know?

And then she said, well.. Uh, you know, I
told her I was gonna put a band together

and she's like,
I wanna be in a band.

So we start hanging out,
trying to write some songs.

She was into heavy drugs,
I was into lighter drugs.

And, uh, you know..

I started doing heavy drugs.

We didn't start a band.

We only just started working for
money to get drugs, so you know?

Yelling, cryin', fucking,
for a while, but then that

then that stops and just,
just doing drugs.

And, you know, like, Sid and
Nancy were. Just ridiculous.

Fuckin' farce. Tragic.

Anyway, my Uncle Teddy, my Aunt
Rose lived down here.

Kinda hippyish,
kinda not like my dad.

Kinda like those older people,
you know, when you're younger

you're like, that guy's cool.

And I called him, I said,
"Look, man, I'm in trouble

I can't tell my old man,
I'm strung out."

He just said, "Well, come down here.
Let's... let's get you cleaned up."

So I took off and then came down
here and Teddy took care of me.

And then Aunt Rose got sick and they,
they needed to move 'cause for how..

I don't know, he wanted to retire
and go to Florida, whatever.

So he's, like, why don't you take the store?
So this is three years in, you know?

What about the girl?

She's followed me down here.

I mean, I..
We talked about it.

I guess we missed each other
and, you know..

And she said she was getting
cleaned up.

She said she was clean, she'd
come down here and stay clean

and we can do the music
down here and, um..

So she comes down here and it's
okay for a little while

and then just figures out a way to
find the people to get fucked up

and she got fucked up
and I didn't get fucked up.

I didn't, I still haven't gotten
fucked up. It's been 15 years.

I just watch her go in and out.

But, um, she's around.
She came in the other day.

Did you tell her?

Tell her what?

That you still love her.

I stopped telling her.

I'm not strong enough for that chick.
And I don't have the fuckin' fortitude

to tell that woman
that I love her.

She knows I love her or she
wouldn't come around all the time.

But doesn't matter.

You know, it's just like just
persistent heartache..

You know, and that's that.

Like, my life has been the same
for so long.

Like, it's just a cycle of

'Cause I was just thinking of,
like, when we got in here like

why the fuck am I doing this?
Have I come..

Why the fuck am I in this truck?
I don't do this shit.

What do we need to do this shit for?
I'm fifty-fuckin'-four years old.

I'm just gonna get in the truck with
a fuckin' idiot and go to make a deal.

- You know what it is?
- Money. What?

No, it's not. It's not money.

It's that moment
where this is a portal

into whatever these fuckin' idiots,
the worst of them represent, right.

You know, this, this guy is..
We're gonna see up close.

Wherever he's takin' us there's
gonna be some answer, right?

No, you're right, man. That,
it's a little titillating

I gotta say, to get that up close and
personal with the stuff you read about is..

Right, you spend a lot of time thinkin' like
how the fuck can these people think like this.

- Yeah.
- Well, we're in the brain of that.

Yeah, we're about to find out.

Apparently, it's carpeted.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Hm?


What, are we off-roading?

- Oh.
- Oh.

- We stopped.
- We stopped.

What is happening?

Are we at a gas station?


Get out.

Watch your head.

Oh. Oh.

- Wow!
- Wow!

What would you call this area?

We call this the country.
I'll go get the boss.

Country north, country south?

I call it motherfuckin' country.

You know, there's the city we all are
from and then there's the country.

- And now we is in the country.
- Yeah. What state are we in?

- Tennessee.
- Okay.

I'll go get the boss.

Alright. Thank you, Hog.

- Jaws.
- Jaws. Hog Jaws.

Do you think they're gonna give
us something to eat?

- 'Cause I'm so hungry.
- Oh, you need..

What the fuck? Oh, these guys.
Are you serious?

That fuckin' sword
belongs to us.

Wait a minute, is that my

You took that screwdriver from
my.. You didn't pay for that.

You took that off the counter.
You didn't pay for that screwdriver.

Jake, I thought we talked about

This ain't his fuckin'
screwdriver, Zeke.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure. This is from my fuckin' truck.

- I was in the truck!
- It's from the glove compartment!

I was sittin' in front of the
glove compartment...

I, I.. Whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Jake. Zeke.

Jake Allmendinger?

Zeke Durkin?

- You know these guys?
- I do know these guys.

I can't believe that you guys are
still friends. This is unbelievable.

You're... you're June and
Buddy's kid, right?

Buddy used to come in,
pawn those earrings

your mom's earrings,
once a month for drinking money.

You guys were like, four-five years old.
You come in with him, run around.

One time.. Oh, my God!

One time he beat the shit out of you in the
store for stealing somethin' off the counter.

He hit you so hard that the, that he
was crying, too. It was, it was tragic.

But then you come in with your
mom, like, a couple of weeks later

to pick the earrings up and
sometimes you have black eye

and, you know, she would buy
you ice cream and..

Can I ask you a question? Why'd
you take after the shitty one?

I mean, your mom was so nice,
you know?

But you're all fucked up and

like your miserable dad.

- Ah!
- Oh, no, Jake!

I'm not fuckin' wrong-minded?

I'm gonna poke this through her
fuckin' neck!

And I put a hole of lead right
through the back of your skull.

Where the fuck did that come

Alright now. Who's kickin' up
a fuss out here?

Well, lookie
here. Allmendinger and Durkin.

Y'all trespassing on Invictusian

Now, you know you're up here

We, we was just talking to 'em
is all..

Oh, you're just talking to 'em
with a screwdriver to her neck.

Now, did your boss send you up
here, is that the plan?

No. You just brain trust hatch
this idea on your own, is that it?

You two get off my property.

I see you here again, I'll dig a hole just big
enough for the two of ya. You understand?

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

Don't say another fuckin' word.

Get the hell off my property,

Folks, I'm real sorry
about that welcome.

- Uh..
- Oh, sorry.

Caught me in the middle of a, of
a little workday there, uh..

Shoulder deep in a mare when you
pulled up, so..

That's not something you can
just pull out of.

She might get spooked and take
off across the field.

You don't wanna be dragged
behind a powerful machine

like that out in a country
like this.

Wind up in a ditch dead
and nobody'd ever find you.

Anyway, I understand
you all got a

real high-quality prover item,
is that right?

- Yes, sir.
- Yeah, we got a sword. Yeah.

A sword. Alright, well, let's
take a look at it.

- Who am I dealing with? Who's in charge?
- Oh, right here.

Oh, that'd be me, I think.
Oh, come on.

Sorry, I only deal one on one,
so you're gonna have to figure it out.

Oh, well, then, that'd be me,
s... sir.

I know the guy, I made the deal,
I talked to him...

Honeysuckle, what are you doing? You know
I'm the mouthpiece of this operation.

Yeah, not... not really, dear,
You just, you know..

Alright. You know what, I don't, I don't wanna
be a witness to any, uh, marital discord

so I... I'll deal with both of
you at the same time

provided you're willing to hand
over the heater, ma'am.

Oh, Jesus.

There you go. Thank you.

Now, you can both come on up,
just grab the sword. Screendoor!

Right this way.

- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- What?

It's a screwdriver, you have a gun.
Can I just see if it's mine?

Can you just hold on a minute?

Holy shit. It's not mine. That's
awkward. I thought it was mine.

Move it.


Door! Fuck, dude, honestly.

Keep your eye on them and stab
'em with somethin' if they move.

Keep it hard, Door.

- What's the plan?
- What do you mean what's the plan?

- We go, we get the money, we leave.
- What's the..

That's not a plan. Do you know
what a plan..

But that's, but that's the plan in
place. What are you talkin' about?

Yeah, but if shit goes upside
down, what is the plan?

Oh, come on. We..

Well, we, we can run quickly.
Steal keys and we take the truck.

You can't outrun a bullet. Now,
what are your strengths?

Punching or kicking?

Come on in, y'all.

You can put that right up here.

- Have a seat.
- You got it, big man?

I'm good, Jaws, head on back down
to the truck. Keep an eye on 'em.

Fair enough.

Alright, take a look at what we
got here, huh? What's this?

Uh, those are authenticating




That's the year, right?

Oh, that's the year.

Yeah, that's good.
Alright, '81. Yeah.

What have we got here? Ah, look
at this old picture.

Yeah, you know that picture.

Look at Lee, he's a man.
He cuts a man's figure, right?

- Yeah, that's..
- Yeah. Nice beard.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Yummy.

Look at McClellan.
He's wearin' a dress.

- Oh! Heh-heh!
- Look at him.

- What a sis.
- Well, I..

I think that was just the way the jacket
was cut 'cause doesn't Lee have a..

No! No, no, no, no, no, that,
that ain't Lee's jacket.

- No, that's a table cloth.
- Shh.

Painter just fucked up and didn't paint
the top of the table the same color.


Oh, my gosh, I thought I just saw
something move in the distance.

But it's just..
I think it's the breeze.

Ever think you see like,
like a ghost?

Like something in
the corner of your eye?

Yeah, you're just like,

I've never seen a real ghost,

I've never seen, like, a real
ghost or anything like that.

I saw one for the first time
last week.

- You're kidding me. You saw one?
- Yeah. I saw one.

It was late at night and..

Sitting near, like, our... our

...our kitchen table was this
woman and she was dressed

like, in, like,
1970s office wear.

And I look at her
and she's so panicked.

And I don't know what to say.
No words are escaping my mouth.

And she just says,
"Line two, line two."

- Line two, line two?
- Line two, line two.

And... and then she just..
I blinked and she was gone.

Take a look at this.
What have we got here?

Oh, look at that.
A good balance to it.

- See that?
- Uh, yeah. I see it. Okay.

My goodness.
Well, this looks good. Alright.

How about you all tell me
the history of this sword?

- Yeah, the story.
- Oh, yeah.

Uh, so the Union Army

Uh, they're being generaled by,
uh, Sherman.

But they're Sheridan..

Sher... Sherman. So they're
surrounded, they're in trouble.

Boy, are they ever.

If things don't go your way
at Chickenfoot

they don't go your way.

Alright, they're cornered.

Out-of-the-box thinking is good.
You know. Just..

- Out of the box?
- Yeah, you know, ghosts.

Some people think that's crazy.

They go, "Uh, well, no, that's
not true. Ghosts don't exist."

- You know, things that we're fed to believe. Right.
- Right.

Ghosts don't exist,
the Earth is round.

Well, the Earth is,
the Earth is round.

Is it, though?


And ghosts don't exist.

Well, I think some people are a
little iffy about ghosts' existence

but I don't think anyone's iffy
about the world being round.

- Alright, let me ask you something.
- Alright.

You ever driven through Kansas

Thirty-thousand people losing
their lives.

Thirty-five thousand of 'em.
Uh, sick, uh, cholera.

- And the typhoid is strong and it's taken on..
- Chlamydia.

- ...more than they bargained for and..
- Deer ticks.

- They don't have enough people to..
- And you know this battle.

- This is the Battle of Chickafist.
- Chicken Fist is...

- Chicken Fist is the Indian word. That's right.
- Yeah. Anyway...

So they're losin'.

- What are you saying? Are you saying that the Earth is...
- Is flat.

And I know what, what you're thinking.
I know it sounds kind of funny.

- No, it just, it's not even that it sounds funny.
- Because..

- It just kinda sounds crazy.
- What? And yet..

I mean, don't you think?

So the sword pretty much proves
that the South won.

Hm. Alright.

Well, that's quite a tale. It's
quite a tale you spun me there.

- Except, I do have a of couple questions for you now.
- Oh, well, you go ahead.

It seems that, uh, you couldn't
exactly agree on the, uh

the name of the battle now,
could you?

Uh, you say it's a Chicken Fist
and then you say Chicken Fest

and someone threw in a
Chickenfoot in there somewhere

which I happen to know
is a super group with, uh

Sammy Hagar and, uh, Joe Satriani.
So I'm pretty sure it's not Chickenfoot.

- Really?
- Maybe that's why I had it in mind.

Maybe that's why you had it in there 'cause
you're a big fan. Perhaps that's it, anyway.

And then you couldn't settle on
the general's name.

One of you say Sherman,
one of you say Sheridan.

And you couldn't settle on whether
it's typhoid or chlamydia or cholera.

So I think you know where I'm
going with all this.

Not to mention the first shot
across my bow which you fired

referring to that army
as the Union Army

rather than the
army of Northern Aggressors.

Are we just supposed to believe
everything that's been fed to us

from the time we were a little
kid to now?

You have to question these things and that's
a problem is that no one's questioning.

No one's going out and being
like, maybe this isn't true

because they're too scared or they
don't wanna know the actual truth.

- Right.
- And I swear, I was exactly where you were a year ago.

Okay, say you're,
you're a ship in the ocean.

- Right. Listening.
- Wouldn't you just fall right off?

Great question.

- Honestly, great question, Cynthia.
- Thank you.

I'm gonna give you one last
chance here, one last chance

to tell me the truth because
I don't think that you believe.

I think you believe in what the
history books are written.

And I'm gonna give you one final
chance unless you want to spend

all of eternity downstairs
in my toy room

takin' a real close look
at my collection.

You tell me right now,
motherfuckers, do you believe or not?

- Yes. Yes. Yes, a hundred percent. Yes.
- I... I don't. I..

We don't believe.
There's no.. We don't..

- This is real, this is very important.
- Come on, Mary, Mary, Mary.

- And it's real and I believe it!
- Mary, it's over.

It's over, the guy knows,
he saw through it.

I don't wanna die in the toy room.
I don't wanna play games with swords.

I don't know what this sicko wants to do to
us. I don't wanna die here, that's all, okay?

- You're such a..
- What?

I just.. We just, we just want
to sell the sword.

That's it. And we don't care that,
that, that what you believe it's..

- What you believe is great...
- Everyone believes what they believe.

- Fine, we just..
- Yeah, please. We made a mistake.

I'm starting to believe this
stuff myself, so you know what

we just wanted money,
but we don't even..

- I don't need the money.
- We don't even need the money.

We just wanna go. We just wanna
go. We just wanna go home.

- I just wanna go home. I.. Walk outta here.
- Yeah, I don't wanna die..

I don't wanna d..
I don't wanna die here.

I really wanna go home.

Oh, fuck, he's gonna kill us.
He's gonna fuckin' kill us.

Look, this has been fun.
This has been..

It's only gonna get better.

- Freakin' toy-room time.
- Ha-ha-ha!

- I got somethin' in here for both of you.
- Oh, come on.

- I got a little somethin' in here.
- Come on. Al... alright.

Oh, man! Let's see,
ten, twenty..

- Oh, shit.
- Is that money for us?

- I'm sorry. What's.. What's... what's..
- Oh, here you go.

- For us?
- That's for us?

Oh! Take it.

Don't touch that fuckin'..
I'm just kidding.

Oh, shit. Listen.

I don't believe any of this South
won the Civil War shit, either, okay?

Come again?

It's a 200-foot wall of ice

that surrounds
the entire rim of..

Actually, hold on.

I don't know why I'm talkin'
about this, I can show you.

So there you go, there's the
outer rim, okay

and, that's a 200-foot ice-wall,

- Mm-hmm.
- There's the sun and the moon which is actually in...

- The tennis ball is the sun.
- Yeah.

- And the golf ball's the moon.
- The golf ball's the moon.

And what you're seeing, okay,
that is within the firmament.

- What's the.. Where's the firmament?
- Because what..

The firmament is actually..

Here, I'll show you another
picture, you'll be able to see it.

- But that's, that's a firmament.
- Oh! Is that a soul bowl?

It's a wrong one
'cause you can't actually..

Yeah, it's a big soul bowl that
my mom got from Hobby Lobby.

- You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
- Wait. Are you kiddin' me?

- Are you serious right now?
- No, I'm not kidding you.

These people pass these stories along and
then the next generation believes it.

And the next thing you know, the
thing grows wings and it flies!

- Oh. Right, right, right.
- Right.

And it gets bigger than anybody
can control.

So I thought, well, I got the
money, I got the resources.

- I can start collecting this stuff. I put it away somewhere.
- Yeah.

- And they'll never find it and then all it is is legend.
- That's crazy!

Man, I knew you were lying to me
the whole damn time, man.

Hold on now, Jaws. Just, just
give it a second now.


Ah! Goddammit, that thing is..

It's dull, but it hurts.

Ah! What is wrong with you?

Get up. Stand up.
Stand up, asshole.

- Alright, okay, okay, just, just put the gun down.
- No, no, no, no, no.

- Let's talk.
- No, the gun stays up. This man lyin' to you.

Y'all been taken to the
cleaners. This is real, man.

You believe this son of a bitch?

You've been trying to cause,
big man

you've been trying to cause an
assault under your own feet, big man.

How many years
I worked for you?

Go on to Google,
put in flat Earth.

There's a, a great 121 questions
about flat Earth.

- Right. Wow.
- It is undeniable.

- Yeah.
- I mean, I'll look it up. I..


I never heard any.. Oh, shit!

- What?
- I gotta go.

You gotta go?

Am I the only one
that didn't bring a gun?

Goddammit, you mean,
laughs we had, Lincoln's gay.

Look at old Abe Lincoln
with his Marfan syndrome.

That's what he had!
That's what he had.

The big nose and the big feet.
It's on the fuckin' Internet

and is indisputable scientific
fuckin' proof.

I don't know. Come on, Nathaniel,
I don't like doing this.

- Get in the fuckin' truck. I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my gosh! Okay.

- Get in the fuckin' truck, Nathaniel!
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- Get in the fuckin' truck!
- I'm in. I'm in.

I'm sorry, can you pull..
I got it.

- Okay, do you want me to get it?
- No, it won't go.

Can you just, can you pull it
down please, Nathaniel?

- Thank you so much. Pull it..
- Alright. Ah!

- Alright.
- Okay?

Alright, thank you.

You're welcome.

Are you like the puppet master, man?
You're like a puppet master!

You're like the Confederate puppet
master. You pull the strings.

- You want to dance, puppet?
- No, I don't want to dance..

You know what, I want you to
dance like a puppet.

- I don't want to dance..
- Give me a puppet dance.

That's it. Keep dancin', man.
That's a funny puppet dance.

- You like to dance?
- Oh..

Why don't you fuckin' dance like
you're on a cartoon?

Put a pie in the oven!
Put a apple pie in the oven.

Bake it nice and put a nice
crust on it and take the fork

and make those notches in 'em
like grandma did.

Now, what about you?

Mr. Puppet Master?
You wanna dance, too?

Dance like a donkey.

Dance like a funny donkey.

Dance like a funny donkey,
you jackass!

That's my boy.
Dance like a donkey.

Now turn around 'cause someone
gonna eat it.

They're gonna eat some lead.

- Turn around, man.
- Hold on.

- Man, turn that around.
- Hold on, Jaws.

- You don't have to do this.
- I'm not gonna hold my nut.

- Jaws.
- Turn around.

Don't.. You don't have to do

I know, I don't gotta do,
but I'm gonna fuckin' do.

- Why don't you fuckin' turn around, man, huh?
- Okay.

On the count of three..

I'm gonna start stabbin'
and shootin'.

One, two..


Hey, where is the bathroom?

- The fuck..
- Surprise gun!

- Oh, thank God.
- Oh, my God.

Now I'm the puppet master,
and you are boy with the pies.

And the pie's full of bullet
holes, you motherfucker!

- Oh..
- Give me the sword and give her the gun!

- The gun, get the gun.
- Give me this.

- Alright.
- Give me the sword!

Give, give me the screwdriver.

He wants his screwdriver.
Give him the driver.

Alright, Mary, get your eyes
on that one.

Okay, no, no, Cynthia..

- You're gonna die, motherfucker!
- No, he's good.

- Honey, no, no, wait.
- Take the motherfucker..

Wait, wait! Cynthia,

- He's great. He sucks.
- Good guy.

He's great. He sucks.

- You get over here.
- We'll... we'll tell you later.

- Get over here.
- I'm so sorry, then.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

- I feel awful. I didn't mean that.
- I... I get it.

- I don't usually use those words.
- Just because.. Shut up.

I'm comin' around now, a
carousel full of bullets.

- Come on.
- Oh, God.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- You're okay?
- You did so good. You did so great.

- I was so worried.
- Bartholomew!

Sturgis, get in here!

- Time for you to..
- Oh, yeah?

Take this sack of shit down
to the toy room.

- Oh, shit!
- There's really a toy room?

Oh, yeah. We'll have a little
play time with you later.

You just hope you sleep well
tonight in your bed of lies.

I will. I'll be, I'll be sleepin'
tuckered out after whoopin' your ass.

- Asshole!
- Out you go.

So where'd you get the guns?
How did you pull this off?

What are you,
like secret agents or somethin'?

Oh, no. Mary was in the Israeli army.
She taught me a few things, too.

- Oh, okay. Of course, she was.
- Oh..

And we finally got to
use our watches.

I know. You did so good.

Because I thought,
she's gonna forget to look.

- 'Cause you know sometimes...
- No, I never looked.

But it was buzzin'.
At first I thought it was a bee

I looked down, I was like,
"Oh, Mary's talking to me."

Said S-O-S with a little gun
emoji. I knew what that meant.

- You did so good.
- Mm, so I put Nathaniel in the back of the van.

- 'Cause you told me not to trust him.
- That's right.

- No offense.
- No, I get it.

But then I was walkin' away
and he started hummin'.

- Ugh!
- And I felt so bad, I was like, bless his heart.

That's one reaction.

Okay, well, let's give it up
for him. Where is he?

- Oh, my God. Oh, it's sad.
- Hey, buddy.

- Oh, no.
- There he is, standin' out there.

Hello! Hey, get in here!

- Hey, oh, alright.
- Up top!

- What are you, what are you doin' out there?
- You did it!

- I was waiting for you guys to open the..
- You did it!

I did it?
Oh, good. It worked?

- Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh.

- The knocking..
- With the knocking at the perfect time, right? Two..

- In three, two, and then..
- Ugh..

- And then I was like, uh..
- Oh, then I thought you did..

Pow-pow-pow! Oh, good.

I said somethin' really cool,

Yeah. Alright, well.
You folks are free to go.

- Here's your money. I'll just, uh..
- Alright. Thank you.

Take my sword.
So let's, uh..

- Alright.
- Put this here.

- Alright.
- Put it right there.

Goodbye. Oh.

Oh.. Alright.

- Yeah.
- Let go of it.

- Here we go.
- He's got the cloth there for you.

And just..
Let's put it right.. No.

Now there, what's happening?

What are you, teasing him?

- No, I just, um..
- Just let it go.

- Alright.
- Paid a lot of money for it.

Okay. Just gonna let go of it
this time.

- Yeah.
- Here we go. No, no, no, no, no.

- Honey, honey, honey, you okay?
- Wow!

- I.. No, I don't think..
- What's goin' on?

I'm so sorry, y'all.
I just.. Wow!

This was my grandpappy's sword.

Your racist grandpappy?

Well, I don't agree
with his morals

or his ideas when it comes to
the Civil War

but he was a good man.

He would take care of me every night
when my daddy would go to work.

And he would
tuck me in and

and pretend to fall asleep next
to me, read me stories and..

Oh, we had this song.
We had this song..

...we made it up together.

I didn't remember it
until this moment.

♪ Pack your bags ♪

♪ Board your flight ♪

♪ The only destination
is the night ♪

♪ In dream land ♪

♪ Do you have your ticket? ♪

♪ In dream land ♪

♪ This flight's a little long ♪

♪ But it's much better
with this song ♪


♪ In dream land ♪


♪ Honk shoo ♪

- Okay.
- It just came back to me.

I haven't sung that in so long.
I.. I'm sorry.

This is the only thing I have
left of my, of my grandpa.

I don't think
I can sell this sword.

- Oh..
- I'm so sorry. I know we need the money..

No, don't be sorry.

Look, I mean.. Yeah, yeah, we, you
know, we need the money, whatever. Okay?

- Not okay.
- It is okay!

- You shut up! You shut up!
- No, it's not.

- Listen.
- You shut..

If you wanna keep this sword

if this means the world
to you..

Goddammit, it means the world
to me, sweetie.

- I love you so much.
- I love you.

Love you. Love you so much.

You know what? Deal's off.

I get it. It's family.
Family is very important.

It's the last you have of him,
I... I understand.

You're not upset?

No, no, I'm not upset. Look.

Why don't we put it in this
scabbard, I'll wrap it up for you?

You all can be on your way.
Here you go.

- Here we go.
- Wow.

- It's okay.
- What a strange experience.

Yes, it was a strange experience.
A strange, horrible experience.

I mean, we went through a lot
to get to here.

- Yeah.
- That's right.

- And I..
- You just fucked it all up.

- Yup.
- I got myself a sword.

- Yeah.
- Oh, good for you.

Yup. You had it the whole time.


Alright. So, I guess, uh..

Here's the money.

Alright then.

There we go.
Now, you can have this.

But I do need one thing
from you.

Young lady, I need a promise..

That you'll guard and protect
this sword with your life

make sure it never falls into the wrong
hands to be used for nefarious purposes.

Keep it away from those who would
use it to do harm to others.

- Yes, sir.
- Make me that promise.

I promise you.

Alright. Go in peace.

- And also with you.
- Alright. Get outta here. Wait.

One more thing, you need a way to
get outta here, keys to the van.

Take it and go.

Are you gonna kill us?

- No.
- Someone gonna follow us?

No. I want you to get outta here.
I got a date in the toy room.

- Thank you, boss man.
- You're welcome.

Go. Come on, Mel.

- Hey, Mel.
- Yeah?


Isn't that Deidre's car?


One, two..
One, two, three..