Swiped: Hooking Up in the Digital Age (2018) - full transcript

( chatter )

( rock music playing )

♪ You walk by and already

I'm on needles and pins ♪

♪ But I know it's gonna end

before it even begins ♪

( indistinct chatter )

I use Snapchat to talk to

the boys I'm not supposed to,

because the messages disappear,

if I'm being completely honest.

At least that way nobody knows

if I'm talking to them

except for me and him.

Female Interviewer:

What do you mean the boys

you're not supposed to talk to?

Well, I am in

a committed relationship

with a man I love,

and I really, really,

really love him,

but there's times

where I've seen him

Snapping girls

he's not supposed to,

or being on Tinder

on the third page

of his phone,

so I'm like, "You know..."

He tells me to move past it,

we'll move past it,

but I'm like,

"I'm going to do

the same thing."

I've seen some

of the conversations

people have on Tinder,

and it's like,

I'm a bold and brash man,

but I'm not that bold.

It works for some people

some of the time, they're like,

"Hey, wanna suck my dick?"

and they're like,

"Yeah, of course. Come over."

Dick pics on Instagram,

got a lot of private DMs

where people show me

their penis

and they're like,

"I would love to ride you."

I'm like...

( chatter )

It's pretty fast, you know,

it's like people are trying

to just hook up.

- Man: How long?

- I don't know.

An hour, in some cases.

An exchange of,

like, six messages.

( man mock screams )

I think women are

just as justified--

and should do this

if they so choose--

- to use it in the same way.

- Woman: That's true,

and I agree with you completely,

but the playing field

has not been even,

and it has really

never been even.

Man:

What does it mean to be even?

No one's forcing anyone to do

what they don't want to,

ya know?

Man:

It's social coercion.

( indistinct yelling )

( rock music playing )

♪ So it's agreed

to scratch me till I bleed ♪

♪ That's what I need ♪

♪ Just take a minute ♪

♪ And go ahead, baby,

and break the skin ♪

♪ At the point where

the conversation always fails ♪

♪ I want you to lay me down

on your bed of nails ♪

Thanks for watching our

Internet edition of Nightline.

There is a major breakthrough

headed to American consumers.

It's the iPhone--

an iPod, a cell phone,

and portable Internet,

all in a little

lightweight package.

The announcement

has set off a major stir,

and it could change

the way you live.

I am a child of the Internet.

I started going online at,

you know, age ten.

My mom tells me that I started

playing on the computer

when I was three,

and I've basically

been on it ever since.

I got my first phone

when I was in eighth grade,

and that completely influenced

the way I interacted with girls.

People get phones

in middle school,

so nudes start

when you get a cell phone.

Well, I used to do,

like, a video call,

on Skype or AIM,

where it was just like

both of us masturbating.

I was 14 or 15

whenever Grindr came out,

and I remember getting it

and then lying about my age.

I think I got a Tinder, like,

my senior year in high school.

I think I started one of those

in high school,

I was probably, like, 16.

I do remember when you used to

call people on the phone,

like if you had

a crush on someone,

I think it was seventh grade,

eighth grade.

Just shoot the shit

over the phone.

And then you'd like hang up

and you kind of feel

that warm kind of fuzzy feeling.

That probably

doesn't happen anymore.

I think if you called someone

these days,

you'd probably get labeled

a psychopath.

( chatter )

Man:

So we've really seen

two major transitions

since the evolution

of social monogamy,

some 4 to 4.4 million years ago.

The first major transition

was the rise

of the Agricultural Revolution,

10 to 15,000 years ago.

And the second major transition,

I think,

has been the rise

of the Internet.

And with the rise

of the Internet,

we are in evolutionarily

unprecedented waters.

We are experiencing a time

that people can engage

with each other,

and particularly around

issues of romance and sex,

in ways that are totally novel.

Now, that's not to say that

we're not going to activate

ancient biological

parts of our behavior

as we use the Internet

and as we use technology

to engage,

but what it does suggest

is that as a platform

it is totally novel,

it is totally unprecedented.

If a girl is, like,

very distinctly attractive,

then that's a swipe right.

If there are three girls

and some of them

are moderately attractive,

then you go through

and see who's who.

Usually what'll happen is,

I'll go through,

and if I see a girl

that I think

is really attractive,

swipe right,

and if we match,

then I go through

and then I look

at their profile,

because you can't really send

a chat-up line

without anything to go off of.

Let me show you,

'cause I don't know

what this girl

really looks like.

She's got this

kind of ambiguous profile.

- Female Interviewer: She's 18?

- Is she?

Well, I'm 22.

They all blend together

at some point.

- Hey.

- Hi!

- How are you?

- Good, how are you?

- Good. Glad you made it.

- Sorry, traffic was a bitch.

Yeah, it's a bad time.

Do you want coffee?

Sure.

Where do you work?

I work at an Italian restaurant.

- Nice.

- I'm a waitress. Yeah.

I had three dogs growing up,

and a bunch of cats

and chickens

and cows and goats.

I lived on a farm.

Totally, yeah.

That makes sense.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, man, I, um--

So whenever I'm in a new class

and it's like,

"What's your fun fact?"

My fun fact is always that

I'm related to Pocahontas--

- What?!

- Yeah.

But that's an aside.

The other one is that

I helped birth a goat

on a farm once,

and they named the goat

after me.

That's very cool.

Tell me about your puppy.

- Her name is Maya.

- Nice.

Named after Maya Angelou.

That's what I was gonna guess.

Yeah.

Do you play any instruments

or do any art, or...

No, I think that--

this is gonna sound

super-pretentious and lame--

but I think I'm,

like, an artist,

I just don't make

a lot of art.

So I have to go meet my friends,

but I really want

to do this again.

- Yeah, for sure.

- Excellent.

Hey, I'll text you.

Thanks for meeting me.

- Yeah, oh, thank you.

- I had a good time.

- I'll talk to you soon.

- Yeah, talk to you soon.

Bye.

Daniel:

Hey, dude, what are you doing?

If you just had dates

where you go and you, like,

the conversation's good,

but you know

it's not gonna go anywhere,

it was kinda like that.

Like a friendly date.

Like, you know that, like,

you're looking for an "in"

to progress the conversation

into something more intimate

or, like, sexual or something,

and it just never

really happened.

I think you take Tinder

a lot differently

than other people,

based on

the first interaction

being at a coffee house,

instead of your house

or, "Hey, meet me

at this alley."

- Open the door for her.

- Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that is indicative

of a different intention,

definitely. Definitely.

'Cause, Eli, I think

most of your Tinder dates

- take place in the--

- Get physical real quick.

- in the home.

- Yeah.

We evolved in the context

of small groups

where, say, ranging

from 50 to 150 individuals.

In small group living,

with limited

geographical mobility,

you would have only encountered

perhaps a few dozen

potential mates

in your entire lifetime.

So what's weird

is that we take

this small-group

mating psychology,

where the number of potential

mates is very limited,

and transplant it

to the modern world

where we have

thousands and thousands

of potential mates

that we can keep

swiping through,

and it triggers this

short-term mating psychology

in a way that never would have

been triggered ancestrally.

I have a funny perspective

on it,

because we used to be roommates.

And really, the funny part was,

it was just out of the blue,

there was never

any discussion of it,

but it would just be

a completely normal

Tuesday night at 9:00 p.m.,

and there'd be

a knock at the door

and I'd answer the door,

and it would be a girl

I'd never seen before.

And Eli would be like,

"Oh, this is my friend.

Here we go."

So it was very casual,

and I always--

Yeah, I remember that.

It was all of September.

Every single day,

I'd be on Tinder,

maybe like 10, 20 swipes a day.

It's all the numbers game.

So like once a week,

pretty much on a Tuesday night,

'cause I remember

my Wednesday class,

always being so happy

in that class.

( all laughing )

Woman:

I have always wanted to,

you know,

have that super-cute

romantic thing

where, like,

I'm at a bookstore,

and this really cute stranger

bumps into me

and I'm like,

"Oh, my God, I'm so sorry."

And we have this really sweet,

simple exchange,

and then we part ways,

then we come back

together later.

And, um, I feel like

that doesn't really...

it doesn't really

happen anymore.

I think what's

so refreshing about it

is just that someone

would put themselves out there.

In person, I think

there's a vulnerability

that people use social media

to hide behind now

and not have to do that

in-person interaction

where they can be rejected.

And he did that, which...

I think is so much

more attractive.

Cheyenne:

It's also oddly flattering

then, as opposed to--

'cause I had a Tinder

for two days,

and I got a lot of hits

in that time,

but it was people

just being like,

"Hey, what's up,

you wanna hang out tonight?"

And I'm like,

"Uh, I don't know who you are."

You can't completely know

a person

when all you know

of them is behind a screen.

- Right.

- As much as you want to think

that you know about them,

you don't know their habits,

you don't know all those tiny

little things, the nuances.

And the thing about that is,

you get to choose

what you share.

I'm very aware

of the sort of pressure

and the need to, like,

be manicured and beautiful

and have, like,

a uniform Instagram feed

that people will want to follow

and pay attention to.

I'm constantly haunted

by FOMO.

I can easily fall

into rabbit holes

where I'll spend hours

just scrolling through blogs

that have these pictures of

beautiful, beautiful women

that I'm never gonna be,

and these houses

and these clothes

and these vacations

that I'm never gonna have.

I don't have

the greatest self-esteem,

which is something I've been

trying to work on,

which is another reason why

I've been trying

to sort of step back

from spending

so much time online.

OK, swipe right.

OK. Sexually provocative,

showing breasts, cleavage...

...doing the duck lip shot.

Because you see the picture,

it tends to swamp

all the other information

in the past you did find out--

you knew about

the person's education,

you spent some time

with the person,

so you found out

about his personality,

is he emotionally stable,

is this person dependable,

how intelligent are they,

how worldly are they?

And now, with the dating apps,

physical appearance

overwhelms

all that other information

and takes on

a disproportionately large role,

I think, in mating.

When we look at dating apps

and we see the pictures

that people are posting,

the ways they're

presenting themselves,

what's very interesting is that

the men tend to present

themselves

in very stereotypically

male ways--

as providers, as fishing,

as hunting,

as they're up on a mountain,

or they're

puffing their chests,

they look like they're cut,

they have these perfect bodies.

Whereas women

tend to present themselves

in more sexual ways.

And this goes back

to the basics.

You know, the old

Barbie and Ken culture.

One of the worst accounts

are the guys looking

for the "swolemates."

Woman: Oh!

I hate the "swolemate"

fucking profile.

- Oh, my God!

- Kim: Oh, my God, I love that!

I just want to know,

guys are out fishing,

and they're like, "I just caught

this big-ass trout.

Bro, will you take

a photo of me with this fish?"

"I really need it

for my Tinder profile.

Can you help me out, bro?"

Buss:

Breasts, friendliness, breasts,

breasts and friendliness,

you get the pucker...

Yeah, because sex sells.

Sex always sells.

Go back to anything ever,

and sex always fuckin' sells.

And I hate it. I hate it.

I hate it.

And I also hate the fact that

we live in this world now

where everything

and so much of what you are

is so dependent on

how you look.

And, like, I hate--

I'm getting really emotional

about this.

It's, like, I hate...

( sniffles )

Sorry.

What's up, guys. Today

I'm gonna be rating people

on their hotness.

We'll call it "How Hot?" Ha ha!

Seven. Fuckin' ten.

Yeah, eight.

Like, a five.

- Eight point five.

- Men: Whoa!

Man:

That's like

a bootleg Ariana Grande.

( men laughing )

For Corey, we got nine,

for Madison Beer,

we got six point five.

Man 1:

Bro, what's heavier--

her or the couch?

Man 2:

Oh, my God.

Fuckin' ten. Ten!

That's one hot-looking girl.

So, if there's an opportunity

to see women as body parts,

or sexual objects,

instead of as whole

human beings,

that opportunity

will be taken.

And I would say that

the whole setup,

the whole structure,

the whole architecture

of dating apps

that depend on

split-second decisions

of "Are you hot or not?"

is one of the ways that

that is being exploited.

What was Facemash,

and it is still up and running?

Mark Zuckerberg:

No, Congressman.

Facemash was

a prank website

that I launched in college,

in my dorm room...

Silicon Valley,

you've gotta understand

that a lot of the companies

are started by boys--

they're not men, they're boys.

Right?

And one of the reasons

for that is because

they all go to

the same schools together,

Stanford or Harvard

or whatever it is, right?

And they all live

in the boys' dorms,

and they sit around

on their computers,

nerdin' out,

and they say,

"Wouldn't it be cool

if you had this thing

where you could do this thing?"

And then something inevitably

ends up becoming a company,

and it's all the boys,

the bros,

that go and build these apps

together, these sites together.

And that's predominantly

why it is the way it is.

( chatter )

Man:

We were looking

for different areas

that had disruption available.

Places that hadn't jumped into

the mobile market so well.

We were very focused

on mobile-first, mobile-only,

and we saw the dating market

as one of those things.

The dating industry

was extremely shunned upon

in the young, hip,

millennial college market.

If you looked at any of those

other dating services,

you would only really use them

if you were...

I don't want to say "desperate,"

but almost desperate, right?

The idea of

a one-click sign-on,

which was a natural outgrowth

of mobile phones

and social networks,

was the idea

that you can take contacts

that already exists for a user,

so, their Facebook profile

already exists,

they can just plug that in,

their location

is already being fed out

by the GPS

on their mobile phone,

their friend networks are

already mapped out by Facebook,

and so it was a lot easier

to just click a button,

we know everything we need

to know about you already,

and we can start introducing you

to the right people instantly.

And it became so easy,

it was like,

"Why wouldn't you do it?"

I wrote the original

application,

the iPhone application,

and I also came up

with the swipe.

The swipe mechanic

really was

the mechanic that worked

for a mobile generation

who had short attention spans,

was always on

their 3-1/2 inch screens,

and, yeah, I think it worked.

Badeen:

We have 1.5 billion swipes

a day.

A long time ago,

in the early days,

I think I had figured out

if the average swipe

or something was,

I don't know,

like an inch or something,

I can't remember how many times

you could wrap around the earth

with the number of swipes.

And that was a long time ago,

so we might be on our way

to Mars now or something,

I'm not sure.

Wolfe Herd:

I'll never forget

the very first time

I really took Tinder

to a university.

I landed on the SMU campus,

I went into

the sorority houses,

and I basically got up

on those tables,

stood up on a chair,

screamed over hundreds of girls

eating dinner,

and pretty much imposed Tinder

onto every single phone.

And then I ran as fast

as I could with my, you know,

fun, enthusiastic girlfriends,

two or three of them,

and we went into

the frat houses.

And we had already

put the women on the app, right?

So we went into

the frat houses,

and we said, "Guys!

Attention! Listen up!"

It was really hard

to get that attention

during feeding time, right,

at the frat house,

because this is

the chapter meeting,

so it's dinnertime,

and we basically said,

you know, "Every...

every Kappa, every Pi Phi,

every Theta,

they're on this app

and they're waiting for you

to match with them.

Download it! Download it!

Download it!"

Woman:

Plainfield is

exactly how it sounds,

just, like,

a lot of plain fields.

It was very hard

growing up here

as, like, a black girl,

because it's such

a predominantly white town,

and it's such a small town.

Like, me and my sister

were probably

two of the only ones

when we first started

going to public school

in Plainfield.

I was boy crazy in high school,

but none of 'em, like--

they were all intimidated by me.

I really thought I would never

actually date, ever.

I probably used

every dating app ever made,

except for, like, Grindr,

and that's

because I'm straight.

I remember when I was like 21,

I was bored one summer

and I wanted to try OkCupid,

'cause I lived at home,

didn't have a car,

I was like, "The hell else

am I supposed to do?"

Might as well just, like,

work a dating app,

it'll be fun."

Woman:

What was your name again?

Everybody--

I'm not telling you my name.

It's the best name!

You have to say it.

OK, fine.

I don't care.

She told me this,

like, forever ago.

My name was Ms. Berry on there.

Yeah, 'cause it was like

right when I cut my hair,

and I was feeling my self.

I had somebody send me

a 14-page message

of just vulgarity,

I can't even say

what was said on it.

Mostly, I don't remember,

but something about

farting down somebody's throat.

On dating sites, it gets

overly sexualized sometimes,

just because people

will automatically just

want to have sex with you.

All the guys on there,

they're not looking for shit

but hookups.

And quick that-night hookups.

Like if they want

to schedule a date,

it's probably that night,

and they're probably gonna try

to have sex with you that night.

Here's how you get treated

as a black woman

when you're on a dating site.

Either they don't want to fuck

with you because you're black,

I don't know why that

freaks so many people out,

or, "You're so exotic

'cause you're black.

I never fucked a black girl

before."

Like they never seen

a black woman before.

They say "no blacks, no fats,"

no, like-- just like that.

It's exactly like that.

If you're chubby, they be like,

"No fat women, no blacks,

no Latinos, only whites.

Only 18 to 25."

I feel like I've--

I can't be myself

or I don't want to, like,

let them into

who I really am,

because I don't trust them.

And I just don't want

to get, like,

my emotions played with

and crushed,

so it's better

to keep it out of it,

because they're not worth it.

Unless they are.

I think that guys

are way more harsh

than they've ever been before.

I think they think

they deserve perfect tens,

and they are not even

a ten themselves.

That's what I'm sayin'.

And that's what's

really messed up.

Bree:

Women are like that, too.

Not nearly as much.

I feel like

they're more critical

and they give you

unrealistic expectations,

because you got

the bombshell bra on,

face full of makeup,

the weave or the wigs

or some shit, yeah,

and when all that comes off,

then once they see

the natural you,

then they're not even

attracted to you anymore.

Bree:

I feel for guys, like,

the social media,

the dating sites

like Tinder and OkCupid,

it's like a catalogue for them,

because you have

all these girls,

hundreds of millions of girls,

you have different pictures

to choose from,

they can just go through

possibilities.

( electric guitar playing )

Kyle:

So I went on Tinder

about a year ago.

And it became, like,

an easy thing,

I'm just like,

I'll lay in bed,

I'll wake up,

psht, psht, psht..

It's like a little

mini-adrenaline rush

every time you do it.

Common symptom with

a lot of the girls

I went on dates with was,

I was the rebound guy.

So if I went on a date,

it would come out

to a couple of weeks later

where they'd either ghost me

or they would just be like,

"Oh, well, this happened,

and I'm in love with that guy,

and I just broke up

with my boyfriend."

And once that happened,

then they would go away.

( electric guitar playing )

Kyle:

So after that

I kinda wised up

to the fact that

this might be, like, a thing.

So in the course

of my Tinder messaging,

I might have 20 different

text messages going on,

and each one of those

you kind of like keep following.

And that's the thing

that comes into multi-messaging

because some women

could do it to you,

or you do it to some women.

I think I deleted it.

And then I redownloaded it,

because I was feeling lonely.

And, uh, and that's when

it kinda,

like that phrase

"When it rains, it pours"?

It got to the point where

I might have this one

friends-with-benefits

over here,

and then I'd go on a date

with that girl,

and develop another

friends-with-benefits

with that girl,

and then all of a sudden

it became, like,

"This girl's Monday,

that gir-- Wait. No.

I'll switch that around,"

and figuring out my schedule

for all these different women.

There was one bar in particular

that I would bring

some of these women,

I knew the bartender,

and he'd be, like, "Hey,

is this a date tonight?"

It was like, "Yeah."

He's like, "Same girl?"

I'm like, "Not exactly."

I would find myself walking,

bumping into people,

I'm just like, "Right, right,

left, right."

It's like

a little video game.

Gamification is turning

an experience

that is not a game

into a game,

so giving it all the elements

of a game,

things like points that say,

"You have done this well."

Like when you're playing

a slot machine,

the machine will tell you

when you've won

with ringing bells

and flashing lights,

and a lot of the apps

we use now have

- ( app beeping )

- elements of that built in.

Even when they aren't

really about games.

We have some of these

almost game-like elements

where you almost feel like

you're being rewarded,

it kind of works

like a slot machine.

Or you're-- there's one...

You're excited to see

who the next person is,

or, hopefully,

you're even excited to see

"Did I get the match?"

and get that

"It's a match" screen.

That's a nice little rush.

You get a match on Tinder

and your screen just pops.

It's this huge

visual stimulation.

Super-bizarre.

And that's gotta be

intentional.

Like, it feels good.

- ( app beeping )

- Kyle: Ooh.

Hey now.

I had several classes

in college

where we learned about this,

from my business management

courses to psych courses,

I think, if I remember,

it's called the Variable Ratio--

or Intermittent Reward Schedule

or something like that,

where it is-- it's the...

having unpredictable,

yet frequent, rewards

is the best way

to motivate somebody

to keep moving forward.

There's a very famous experiment

run in the early 1970s

with some white pigeons,

and the pigeons

learned to peck a little light,

and when they pecked,

they got food.

And so these pigeons

live in a box

and they just keep

pecking the light

and they get food.

But the experimenter

had a couple of different ways

of rewarding them.

So some of them,

every ten pecks,

they got a certain number

of food pellets,

and then they ate,

and others,

every ten pecks,

sometimes they got food,

and sometimes they didn't.

It turns out that the pigeons

that gambled,

that effectively pecked

but may not get a reward,

they were the ones

who were much more engaged.

Even to the point where

they weren't hungry anymore,

they'd peck because it was

just fun to play the game.

So in the same sense,

these apps that give you

this kind of variable feedback

rather than consistent

predictable feedback,

they have this built-in

mechanism for being addictive

in the same way that

a gambling device is addictive.

Man:

There is a good example

of how you can move

from the pigeon

to the human case,

because one of the schedules

which is very effective

with rats or pigeons

is what we call

the Variable Ratio Schedule,

and that is at the heart

of all gambling devices

and has the same effect.

A pigeon can become

a pathological gambler

just as a person can.

Woman:

"It's a match."

It's like hitting the jackpot.

Then you can do more,

then you unlock the ability

to message them.

- Woman 2: It's true.

- And it feels good.

Or you can go back

and test your luck again.

- Woman: Yeah, it's true!

- Man, it's so weird,

'cause, yeah,

it really is a game.

As someone

who is female-bodied--

I actually don't identify

as a woman or a girl,

I identify as non-binary,

so I am trans in that way,

that although my body

is assigned female,

I identify more outside of that.

I think there's a lot of

pressure when you're using it,

knowing that, like,

I don't know,

knowing that people on there,

they're like

"Men seeking women,"

and then you're part

of a stack of, like, women,

and, that people, like, the guys

that you might want to date

date stereotypically feminine,

gender role-conforming people,

and there's a lot of pressure.

Oh, my God,

when people's profiles,

when they're, like,

like, "I don't-- like,

I don't fuck

with crazy bitches"

or something...

Yeah. "If you're not

trying to fuck, swipe left."

And I'm, like,

not trying to fuck. Swipe left.

"We all know

why we're here."

It's like,

"But you don't know me!"

Yeah, like, trying to be,

like, the cool, like,

"Yeah, I'm kinda like,

I'm, like, bad."

Hookup sex is bad,

and for me personally, like,

there has to be

more intimacy to sex.

It can't-- You know,

there has to be this connection,

there has to be this thing

that I think is really cool

about the other person,

and you don't get that

when you talked on Tinder

for a day.

They're like,

"Oh, why don't you come over?"

Like, "We'll smoke, like,

we can sit on my bed and,

like, listen to records."

I'm like, "OK, that's bullshit,

but, like, whatever--

like, OK, I know what this is."

And you show up

and it's uncomfortable.

You kind of go in

with this understanding,

and I think a lot of people

go into these situations

kind of feeling obligated to.

I know that's something

that I feel a lot, where,

you're going over,

and it doesn't really matter

if you're in the mood

that day or not,

because you're going over

to, like, have sex.

And you never have enough time

to establish some chemistry,

you just, like,

start making out,

and then, like,

you have this sex where they--

and it's always,

you know, like--

it's typically

first encounters,

unless you see this person

as a hookup regularly

afterwards,

but, like, they don't know

what you like,

you don't know what they like,

they're doing something

and you're like,

"That's kinda weird,"

and I'm sure

I do the same thing for them.

And, um... yeah.

Yeah.

( camera clicks )

Woman:

The dating apps,

how they play into

the sexual compulsive behavior

and the sex addiction,

is because of the accessibility

of so many partners

at any given moment.

I think compulsive behavior

is really about the high,

not about a pleasure--

it's two different things,

isn't it?

With pleasure, it really--

you kind of need to connect

with yourself,

and be connected

and present with yourself.

And it really involves

real connection on some level

with yourself and another.

Woman:

I've always been clear

with what I wanted

on those dating apps,

and I've gotten

what I've wanted,

and again, I feel like that's

made me a stronger person,

being able to say,

"This is what I want,

this is what I don't."

For the most part,

people have extremely respected

what I've told them.

And maybe that's because

a lot of the time I was saying

"I want casual sex,"

and guys are like, "Yeah!

I'm OK with that!"

But I don't know,

if, ya know,

if you're not clear

with what you want,

you're not gonna

get what you want,

I think.

It's not good to generalize,

but we do see, in the data,

differences in the way that men

and women use these services,

in the way of

how selective they are,

in the way that

they reflect their intentions

for what they're looking for.

It's just true that men

and women, taken as groups,

think about these things

differently.

That doesn't mean all men

are looking for a hookup,

it doesn't mean all women

are looking for a relationship.

But on the whole,

a majority of women

are looking

pretty much exclusively

for a relationship

on these services,

and a majority of the men

are primarily

looking to hook up.

And you can say that

that isn't so different

than society at large,

but I do think the way that

these services are designed

sort of tips the scale

in culture towards hookups,

and sort of gives men,

or gives those

looking for hookups

the upper hand, essentially,

in this new world.

And at 4:00 a.m.

I got a text message

that went...

something like:

"Hey, you. Wake up. Time to come

sit on my face now."

♪ Are you lookin' for me? ♪

♪ Are you lookin'

for someone? ♪

♪ Where can you be? ♪

Hi, I'm Maurice.

I'm an executive by day

and a wild man by night.

I'm looking for the goddess.

Are you the goddess?

Who is the goddess?

The goddess is the woman,

is a woman,

is any woman...

What I'm not looking for is

some big, overgrown monster

that's always

thinkin' about food.

A figure that is sexy,

slim, tight,

excellent legs...

Hmm.

Woman:

If you think of courtship

as something

that has always existed,

what's really new about dating

is that it takes courtship

away from private spaces,

sort of away from the home,

away from family,

and explicitly puts it

in market spaces.

So it puts it in places

where people spend money

and consume,

and I would argue that,

in a way,

maybe is

the most distinctive change.

And that means

that from 1900 onward,

or from the invention

of dating onward,

dating is shaped

by market dynamics.

To me, the real turning point

or watershed

is when you start having

mobile dating apps,

that everyone

has it on their phones.

The effect of

mobile dating apps

is to feel like

we can be dating

all the time

and that you should always

be putting yourself out there,

always kind of promoting

your "product."

And I think that also takes away

from the ability to just

relax and enjoy.

'Cause it's hard work,

that self-presentation stuff,

which we all have to do

when we're using dating apps

and online dating.

It's all self-presentation,

it's all self-work,

it's all self-consciousness,

it's all performing.

And when you go on

lots of dates,

you have to do that again

and again and again and again.

I usually delete it after

I've been on a few bad dates,

or I'm just like sick

of constantly getting messages

from people.

I'm like, "I'm over

weeding through all of

this bullshit that I get,

those hundreds

of messages a day."

I'm like, "This is exhausting,

this is taking a lot of effort,

it's taking a lot of time.

This is actually

like work right now."

Just in economic terms,

if you have

a surplus of options,

then the value goes down.

I can see a Tinder profile

that I'm excited about.

If I met that person

in real life,

I would have

this sense of urgency.

But I think on Tinder,

if I see that profile,

well, then I just swipe

one way or another--

I'm just swiping--

and then there's

somebody else immediately.

Weigel:

You know,

it is this application

of the logic

of consumer capitalism

to private life,

in this sort of way

that romantic and sexual desire

are used almost as a lure

to get you to keep consuming.

Maybe we don't think of it

as part of the economy

because a lot of apps are free,

but what you're doing

when you swipe and swipe,

you know, swipe up

and super-like

or whatever it is,

is you are providing

valuable data

to IAC, in that case,

or to whatever corporation

owns the app in question.

The quicker that you can go

from A to B,

the more people are gonna use

that service.

And that's how they make money,

so if they can help you

get laid quicker

by you paying for some feature

that allows you to engage

with someone more or faster,

with a better emoji, whatever,

that's how

they're gonna make money.

And so the thing

that's so frustrating

is when you hear

these dating apps talk about,

"Well, all these people

have gotten married on our app."

It's like, "No! That's not

why you're doing this!"

I get inundated every day

with people thanking us for,

you know,

getting married on Tinder,

or meeting their best friend

or whatnot,

and that's a beautiful thing.

Interviewer:

Do you have data

on how many people

who've met on Tinder

have gotten married

or been in

committed relationships?

We do not have

that information available.

But I can tell you that

I am inundated with emails

on a daily basis,

as are multiple members

of the customer service team,

the PR team,

from people who said,

"I met my best friend

on Tinder,"

"I met somebody who I am dating

and now living with,"

"I met a man who

I am going to marry,"

"I met this guy two years ago,

we married a year ago,

and we're having a baby."

It's incredible,

the number of people

who have met via Tinder.

Some people do use it

to have more casual

relationships,

I mean, it is used

that way as well.

Certainly.

People meet people at church,

or meet people at their schools,

and they have casual

relationships with them as well.

You can meet somebody

in any context

and have a casual relationship

with them.

Woman:

That's why they can't

get a relationship,

we findin' out,

we helpin' y'all.

But you know what?

This old man, he told me,

he said, "The fruit

on the top of the tree

is the best, freshest fruit."

He said, "You always want

to have to reach

to get what you want."

He said,

"The fruit at your foot,

on the ground,

you don't want that.

The fruit that's

throwin' itself at you,

leave it alone."

Am I tellin' the truth?

Hello?

I think people, older people,

like their fifties and forties,

they don't really get

what it means to date now.

They kinda don't understand,

like,

of course we want to get married

and have kids and stuff,

but you can't

get yourself pregnant

and marry yourself.

I don't know what

y'all problem is,

'cause I never

had a problem datin'.

- We didn't have social media.

- Right.

Brenda:

And we had to go out.

We had to meet.

We went to games,

parties and...

you know,

guys wanted to date you.

They wasn't like, "Oh, I wanna

date you, you, you and you."

I think the social media

is an issue,

because when I was comin' up,

you had to actually get out

to socialize, in person,

where here you can

go on Facebook

and the Snapchat

or whatever that is, Twitter.

And so I see

a lot of their interactions

is through devices,

as opposed to

social interacting.

Go to museums.

Go to classy places.

I met my guy at the club,

so...

Everybody here

met their boyfriend

at a bar or a club.

He's not my boyfriend.

But we've been dating

for three years.

So you're not in

a committed relationship?

We're in a "situationship,"

yeah.

What does that mean?

A situationship

is pretty much

when, like, people are together,

and they-- I don't want

to say committed,

they're sleeping with each other

only, I guess you could say.

They're sleeping with each other

and acting like they're dating

each other,

but they're not

boyfriend-and-girlfriend,

they're not dating...

and that's a situationship.

To me, that's friends

with benefits.

I didn't ask him

to make me his girlfriend.

What if I didn't want

him to be my boyfriend?

But wouldn't that be

a commitment

if you guys

are exclusive?

We're still, like--

I feel like as a young woman

I'm still trying

to get my money,

I want to go back

to grad school...

You don't want

to be tied down?

It's not about being tied down.

It's about still having options.

How can you be exclusive

but not exclusive?

I didn't say

we were exclusive.

But you said

you're not committed,

but you're not sleeping

with someone else.

Yeah, we're monogamous.

But don't that mean

commitment?

Guys say that a lot.

They want girls with benefits,

or situationships, whatever,

and they don't want

committed relationships.

A lot of girls want

committed rela--

I want a boyfriend,

I don't want a fuck buddy.

Bree:

Yeah, me either.

I don't want

a situ-relationship either,

or whatever the hell it is.

I don't want that either.

If I'm gonna be seeing a man,

and especially if I'm gonna

be having sex with him,

I at least want to be

the title of a girlfriend.

Bianca:

We're just gonna be

single forever.

( laughter, chatter )

Bilton:

So, dating is changing

because of the dating app,

but dating is also changing

because of the Internet.

I have a friend

that once said to me,

"The entire Internet

is a dating app."

Because there are

things that you do

if you're interested

in someone,

if you like someone

on Twitter,

you can't, you know,

swipe right on them,

but you can start hearting

all their tweets

or replying to them

or whatever it is,

sharing their articles

they like.

And these are things that happen

on every single platform.

If you don't know the person

and they're liking

all your stuff,

they wanna fuck.

( phone chimes )

How to Bag a Man

on Social Media 101.

So you find a guy

on social media,

you show him to all your girls,

your girls approve,

say he's cute,

so you go through,

you "like" some of his pictures,

but you have to be very smart

about which pictures you like,

though,

and it has to be spaced out

at, like, a good increment.

Do your research.

Make sure he doesn't

have a girlfriend.

Tagged photos.

Always go through

his tagged photos.

Tagged photos

let you know everything

about somebody.

That's the real truth

about someone.

Who he's around,

what he really gets into,

things like that.

So after that,

you follow him.

So you let that go by,

he'll usually follow you back,

'cause, I mean,

we're all bad as fuck,

so most people

follow us back.

And that's when

the game really starts.

That's when you play

this mind game with each other.

For a few days you're liking

each other's pictures,

doing these little comments

and things like that,

and heart eyes, and you do

the little eye emojis...

There's two eye emojis.

There's like the small ones,

and there's the individual

eye emojis.

And then...

by like day five,

maybe less,

you wake up

and he's in your DMs.

He DM'ed you. Yes.

And at that point

you start chit-chatting,

and it's like, "Hey,"

blah blah blah--

then you get the number.

So you start texting,

boom boom boom,

there's always

a move in New York,

"I'm gonna see you

at this move."

You link up at the move...

boom.

Catch the trick

real quick...

- And then that's that.

- ...and there it is.

Men in New York

stress me out so much.

They stress me out!

This is why

I don't have a boyfriend.

Guys will have

one girlfriend per network.

I'll see a dude all over

one girl's Instagram,

a different girl

all over Twitter,

a different girl

all over Facebook,

have a different bitch

on Snapchat.

- Mm-hmm.

- Yes.

Dylan goes into

your deep, dark secrets,

like back to high school--

she looks you up.

'Cause they always

use the excuse of,

"Oh, but that's not my girl."

"Oh, I'm not sleepin' with her."

"Oh, we don't even

talk like that."

And the thing is,

you never really know,

you never know.

He could have her number saved

under Papa John's.

How to catch your man cheating.

A savvy cheater may be using

less obvious ways

to communicate with the person

they're cheating with.

For example,

Instagram messages,

Twitter direct messages,

or Snaps on Snapchat.

You can't trust anyone

these days. It's sad but true.

Dylan:

I bagged with this one dude

at this function,

and then he kept messaging me

on Snapchat,

like, "Come to Queens,"

or "I'm trying to see you,"

blah blah blah.

But I found his Instagram.

I was on it that evening.

I found it in like 15 minutes.

And he has

a ho-ass girlfriend.

And then there was

another occasion

with a dude that I was actually

like talking to

and hooking up with,

who had an entire

relationship as well,

and I didn't know

until I went through

his tagged photos on Instagram.

And this is one

recurring thing

that I've dealt with

for the last three years.

You have Type 1,

the dude who literally

has his girl

in half of his photos,

and he's like,

"My girl is my everything,

I love this woman,"

very passionate, romantic,

and he'll be the first one

in your DMs begging you

to come to his house

at an ungodly hour,

trying to smoke you out,

buy you drinks,

have sex with you

with his girlfriend's stuff

all over his apartment,

but he's "so in love with her"

on social media.

It's like, my first time

really getting my heart broken--

It's all coming back,

'cause it happened for

the first time last year.

When it first happened,

I, like...

it was the most I cried ever.

But I'd never felt that low

in my entire life, ever.

I feel like he treated me

like I was an object, almost.

This is gonna sound so lame.

Reminded me of, like,

Nora from A Doll's House,

like I was this...

trophy girlfriend

with the cool clothes

and a lot of followers

on Instagram.

And I was a trendy DJ,

and I was just cool to be with.

But I don't think

he genuinely,

really, really wanted me.

Photographer:

( indistinct )

When I was a kid,

like, Sharon Stone in 1995

would be just like

up on a pedestal

and so inaccessible to me.

And now the current

version of that is like,

"OK, she's just a swipe away,

or she's just a message away."

So, Instagram is full

of beautiful women,

pretty girls,

popular celebrities,

and a lot of you guys are like,

"Hey, let me shoot my shot,"

but don't know how to do it.

Rise and shine,

ya cock knobs!

I'm teachin' ya

how to slide into DMs,

which just means

directly messaging someone,

trying to get their phone number

and/or trying to get

their genitals

smashed up against yours

after a couple of drinks.

Historically,

men who did have

a lot of sexual access to women

tended to be higher in status.

What you have is what I call

Clark Kent Syndrome.

You have these guys

who may be mild-mannered

in real life,

but doesn't everybody

want to be Superman?

And this culture

allows these guys

who may, their whole lives,

feel insignificant--

and certainly I'm not saying

all of them feel this way--

to feel powerful.

And what's

the most powerful situation,

is being aggressive,

especially sexually aggressive.

I just got a dick pic

the other night

from my friend's baby's daddy.

Any guy will send you

any stupid shit on there.

That's what I'm sayin'.

When you get a dick pic

that you are not requesting,

honestly,

it's like a violation.

If I'm refusing

to see your penis

in real life,

I don't want to see it

in a digital version.

- We're about to see--

- OK! ( laughs )

Is it still on?

Oh! Another one!

( both laughing )

He's like hitting me with dicks!

Smacking you

with dicks.

Eww! ( gagging )

Wolfe Herd:

So, enter Bumble.

What is Bumble,

and how does it strive to

actually tackle this broken

system of heteronormativity?

Well...

if you think about the way

in which men and women

generally connect,

or the way that

they're raised to connect,

starting at a very young age,

boys are taught

to be the aggressor--

"Go get her."

Bumble looks at that dynamic

and says, "You know what?

Only women are gonna

make the first move."

And why?

Why are we gonna do that?

Because women

can have a voice.

They are allowed

to make the first move,

they are allowed

to go after what they want,

and in turn, it takes

all this pressure

and this insecure,

reactive aggression,

away from the masculine side,

because now

the woman reaches out.

You've just solved half

of this predisposed problem.

He doesn't have to be

geared up to react

to the rejection, right?

So you've taken away

the rejection

and you've replaced it

with flattery.

So there's this idea

that Bumble somehow

fixes the mistakes

that Tinder has made.

I honestly don't see

how it does that.

Now the rule is, "The man

doesn't have to lift a finger

to even type you out

a three-word message

because he's not allowed to."

So once again,

women are shouldering

so much more of the burdens

of dating--

the communication work,

the emotions work,

all that stuff, the admin.

Bumble is just codifying

that women have to do more work.

Woman:

No, no-- OK.

Yeah. There we go.

There's the match.

He said, "I'm only in Brooklyn

for 12 hours,

if you want to meet up,

then let's do this."

And then he says,

"Are you tr--"

Then he says,

"Are you trans?

Are you trans?"

Then I say,

"What the fuck?

LOL.

Down to fuck,

but can't tonight.

Meet me Tuesday or Wednesday

in Manhattan."

So...

that's Bumble for you.

That is Bumble for you.

Uh, yeah.

So this is my girlfriend Alex.

And I met her on Tinder,

and her tagline was

"Stoned in the bath,

eating Clementines."

Fuck, babe!

( laughs )

Hook, line and sinker--

fell for it.

Alex:

He was sleeping with

five girls a week on Tinder.

- And then what?

- And then he met me.

Kyle:

I mean, in our case,

it just kinda happened.

The more time we spent

together, I was like,

"Man, this chick

is really cool,"

and it kinda

just materialized.

And I'm like,

"Now I really like

hanging out with her,

more like in that best-friend

kind of quality,

rather than just

the "Hit it and quit it" or...

Hit it and quit it?

So given that,

we have discussed--

because Alex is what

I guess you can define

as heteroflexible--

( laughs )

So given that,

we have been, uh,

like, experimenting

with having a third.

Just so it feels like

there's not

some sort of restraint

or constriction

on the relationship.

Also it's fun, because--

that we get to, like--

we get to play

with Tinder again.

Interviewer:

So you guys swipe together now

on Tinder?

- Yeah, we have a joint--

- On Binder,

and on OkCupid,

we have a joint

OkCupid account.

Oh, she's so beautiful.

Uhh. Ohh, maybe not.

She works out.

Homegirl has

too many tattoos.

Homegirl has

too many cats.

Weird eyebrows.

She's, like, my type

but not your type.

No, I--

I would do her.

We like big boobs.

( laughs )

Kyle:

If you look

at our previous generation

or the generation before,

it's like, you meet someone

in your hometown,

you date them, they're like

your high school sweetheart

and you date them,

and that's the only person

that you've really been with.

And that kind of monogamy

is super-scary,

it can go on for like 60 years

in a vanilla type of existence,

and it's super-bland,

and then you die.

Kyle:

So praising

the whole swiping fad

that's going on now,

it introduces you to people

that you may never

have crossed paths with.

Could we see each other

doing this forever?

I don't know.

I mean, definitely

not past 60.

( laughs )

Not past 60?

I was thinking, like,

not past...

I'm 27, so not past 30?

Oh. OK.

( dance music playing )

Garcia:

One thing we do know is that

with the rise of the Internet

many people that previously

had a hard time connecting

can now find someone else.

So for instance,

in our data

where we know that

over a third of people

have met someone

through the Internet,

that number is even higher

for gay men and lesbian women.

And if you think about it,

in many places

it might be easy enough

for a gay man

or a lesbian woman

to meet someone to date,

but in many places

throughout the United States,

it might not be that easy.

If you're talking about

a population

that is a minority group,

in this case

a sexual minority group,

you then have to

find someone else that

meets the same criteria,

and that might be kinda hard.

And on top of that,

in many places in the U.S.

it still might not be

all that safe

for a gay man or a lesbian woman

to walk into a bar

and try and pick someone up.

So the Internet

has allowed people

of so many different

walks of life,

to find each other,

to connect with each other,

and possibly start dating

and have a relationship.

We met on Grindr

when he first moved here.

Interviewer:

Explain Grindr.

Grindr is a gay dating app,

mostly used for sex.

It's a grid of pictures of guys

in your area,

ranked by how close they are,

and... lots of torsos.

Whenever you told

straight people about Grindr

two years ago, I mean,

they were like, "Wow! Crazy!

Do you do that all the time?"

You're like,

"No, but it is a thing

because it's harder

for us to meet people."

It's so funny because

men that label themselves

as "straight"

and then they just put

like a headless torso

and they're like,

"I'm on the DL,"

but I'm like, "Are you really,

if you're on this app?"

And there's people on Grindr

who are, like, "anon,"

they don't show their face,

they don't want to know a name.

You'll get those messages

that are like, uh...

"Depending on if you're

the top or the bottom."

It's like,

"You can just walk in

and I'll be blindfolded

on all fours.

And you just fuck me

and then leave."

I had a couple of friends

who would get just

almost zombified

looking at the phone

or checking for a hookup

or trying to

make something happen.

Even when we were

all out together.

So it started to change

the gay clubs

because we'd all be there,

and half the people were

just looking at their phone.

And you thought, "Well...

but we're all already

at the dance."

You know?

I think Grindr is

the new way of hiding,

honestly,

because people are still

hooking up all the time,

but now they're sneaking

into your apartment building

or whatever,

it's like this kind of

respectability politics

almost.

- It's not like people--

- Man: Yeah.

They think we don't have to

cruise anymore, so we shouldn't,

because we can just

go on Grindr,

"Why would you want to cruise

when you can go on Grindr?"

Well, because cruising is hot,

it's fun,

it's part of our history,

it's part of our culture...

I feel like it's really popular

just to stigmatize Grindr

and everything,

and being like,

"Only nasty people use that,

I would never do it."

But then they go home

and then they use it.

And it's like,

that's what they do,

that how they get laid.

Their profile says, like,

"I hate this app."

( all laugh )

Knowing that there's

that technology there,

like if I see a cute guy

in the bar,

I'm gonna immediately

get on Grindr or Scruff

and be like,

"Well, is he on it?"

'Cause I can just,

like, say hi there.

Or just woof at him there.

And then maybe... ( laughs )

he'll check it and see me

across the bar.

I know everything changes,

and I'm acceptable to change,

but there's parts of it

that are like,

"Oh, it's the future,"

and there's part of it that's

like, "That's ridiculous."

Like the amount of times

I've lost with my friends

just 'cause

they're on their cell phone

the entire time.

And I can't tell you how many

dates I've been on with girls

that are on their cell phone

the entire time.

I've been on a date

with a girl,

she was talking to this dude

she was kind of stringing along,

while we were going on

our first couple dates.

'Cause I've met girls

that they're so involved

with what they look like

on the Internet,

or spend so much time on making

this image of themselves,

and they worry about

more Internet shit

than real life.

( music, no audible dialogue )

Typically, tidy space,

tidy mind,

or whatever they say.

Tidy area, tidy mind.

No, tidy space, tidy mind.

Basically, if your surroundings

are tidy and neat

and cleared out

and nice and clean,

I find that

I just operate better...

Cheyenne:

I've thought about that

when I hook up with people,

I'm just like,

"Do I look sexy right now?

Do I look like appealing,

do I look--

Do I look good?

Does my face look weird--

from their angle?

Does, like-- Is--

Is my hair cascading out

right behind me?"

Like, all this stuff.

And I'm just like, "This is--"

And because of that,

obviously,

I get super-removed

from the moment,

which is probably a big reason

why I don't enjoy

doing sexual stuff with people,

because I'm so caught up

in how I look.

And then I'm also caught up

in how they look.

Alex, that guy

that I just started dating,

I guess-- that's so weird

to say out loud--

he left his leftovers

in my fridge,

so I'm here to drop them off.

I do love the emoji

where it looks like you're...

smiling with all your teeth--

I send that one a lot.

I've sent him that

a couple times.

To some people that I love,

I'll just send a row of emojis

that's, like, a sunflower

and a bouquet of flowers

and then a star

and a sparkly thing

and a pink heart

and then a yellow heart

and then a blue heart.

And then they know

exactly what I'm saying.

So it's great.

- Hello. ( laughs )

- Hey!

- How are you?

- Pretty good.

- Good. This is yours.

- Oh, thanks.

You're so welcome.

How are you?

I'm doing well.

Oh. ( laughs )

- How was your shift? Yeah?

- Really slow. Yeah.

I hope this

isn't terrible now.

I hope so too, but it's OK

if it's wilted and gross.

- I might throw it away, though.

- That's OK.

He sent me a text

with a heart emoji

and then a smiley face

and then another heart emoji.

Which, like,

it was just really cute,

'cause that never happens,

because for some reason,

boys don't like to use emojis.

See? I'm tellin' you,

full hearts, not heart eyes.

Wild, right?

What a concept!

( laughs )

( riders shrieking )

Young Man:

I feel like

that's been a big switch, too.

I feel like back in,

like, the '90s and '80s,

it was all about who could

kind of show more.

Like back then

you'd have people

serenading people,

like showing up

outside of windows

with boom boxes

or bringing people flowers,

like huge, ridiculous

things of flowers out in public.

I feel like it's definitely,

not like casual,

but way more nonchalant

nowadays.

It's almost like you don't

want to seem like you care.

Interviewer:

What if you do care?

You have to not show it.

Like, that sucks.

If you do really care

but you're trying

to not show it,

I feel like that

kinda sucks.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, I don't--

I don't know,

I've never experienced

something where I care so bad

that I have to hide my care.

( chatter )

( music, chatter )

( no audible dialogue )

Definitely with technology

progressing more and more,

it's kind of like

that awkward stage

in generations

where it's like

do you just do technology

to meet people,

or do you actually go out

and have experiences.

It's kind of at the point

where it's like, "All right,

let's slide in those DMs,

let's hit up Tinder"

or something.

But it's not as real,

you know what I mean?

Interviewer:

What's a Tinderella?

It's like a Cinderella,

but with a Tinder.

It's a slut.

She's a Tinder slut.

She's a Tinder slut. Yep.

Yeah, she has acts with men

through Tinder.

Yes. It's a Tinder whore.

Yeah, bas--

Well put.

Who wants to slap

the fuckin' bag?!

All:

Oh, yeah!

...four, five, six, seven,

seven, seven, seven, seven!

Skylar:

Last night I went to a party,

met a couple girls,

you know,

hooked up with a couple girls,

and I now have their Instagram,

and that's a way

to keep in touch.

It's not like a way to...

a way to, like...

I don't know,

force anything on someone,

you're not gonna be like,

"Let me get your number,

I'm texting you constantly

to stay connected.

Interviewer:

You hooked up with

a couple of girls

at the same party?

No-- Oh, yeah,

at the same party--

Not the party

we were at last night

with you.

We went to

a different party.

I hooked up with two girls

at the same party.

That's wild.

( laughs )

Interviewer:

Do you guys

watch a lot of porn?

He watches porn,

he watches porn,

he watches porn,

he watches porn.

I don't watch porn.

( laughs )

Woman:

Porn feeds into all of it.

Porn feeds into

sexual expectation,

and the reason why

I'm blaming porn

is because the Internet

has become such

an integral part

of just existing

on this planet.

And we had Internet access

as very young children,

- because we're--

- Porn has been cultivated.

I was into porn

before the Internet.

( all talking )

Porn opens your mind up

to new experiences.

- Porn teaches you things.

- Porn can teach you.

Even though

some things you might

feel like it's wrong,

the older you get,

the more sex you have,

some of the shit that you like

in porn, like choking and

getting choked, is real.

Dylan:

Yeah, some girls

like that shit.

( all talking )

I feel like porn

makes a lot of guys,

particularly,

like they don't know

the female body at all,

they don't understand

how to make a woman orgasm.

And they look more at--

'Cause when you watch

usual porn,

it's like the girls

usually getting gagged

or something,

it's all about

the male's pleasure,

you don't really see

anything with the female.

Unless it's lesbian porn.

What really shocked me

about Internet pornography

the first time I saw it

was the fact that

the pornographers

consistently framed these

regular old vanilla sex acts

that everybody does sometimes

as a form of humiliation

for the women involved.

It's not about their orgasm,

except as,

"It's sexy that it happens

to always be a function

of the male ejaculation"

or the male pounding

or whatever.

In every mainstream porn gallery

on the Web,

we can find

the "Rape" category

side by side with

the "Humiliation" category,

"Abuse" category,

"Crying" category

and so on.

With porn,

people get flooded with images.

Then when they do meet people

on the apps,

they expect

the same kind of interaction

and in fact,

they're not really having sex

with the person

in front of them--

very often they might have sex

playing out the images

in their head.

Like, ejaculating

on a woman's face

is not a naturally thrilling,

attractive thing to do,

until you see it in pornography,

and you're like,

"That looks awesome,

I'm gonna do that."

Guys get addicted to it,

and girls get addicted to it,

and it's fuckin' insane.

I have this one friend

back home who's like,

he's like,

"Yeah, I can't finish

unless I watch porn."

- What?

- Yeah.

Like he'll be fucking a girl,

and then he's like,

"I have to jack off

or something to finish."

It sounds like he has

something wrong with him.

Sounds like he watches

way too much porn.

Yeah, he watches

way too much porn.

The mind, like, de--

Yeah, desensitized.

Yeah, it desensitizes,

for sure.

There are guys my age

suffering from ED,

because when they have a sexual

relationship with a girl

they can't perform

because their mind is so...

skewed already by porn.

- It's an epidemic.

- Interviewer: What do you mean?

Men who, when they

put a condom on,

they lose their erection

right away.

And then they try to use that

to weasel out

of wearing a condom.

They're like,

"Oh, come on.

We don't need it.

I just got tested."

And I'm like,

"No, you didn't.

I know you didn't

just get tested."

I think the condom problem

is because of porn,

because I feel like men

are really

used to their rough hand

or something.

And then like, they're like,

"Oh, I'm not sensitive

with a condom,

and I can't feel you."

I'm like, "Hmm..."

Man:

It's not even just porn.

It's the appropriation

of porn in culture.

'Cause sex sells.

Sex is everywhere.

You go to billboards,

there's a bitch in a bra

and basically nothing else.

I have to be 100% real

with you guys

about the best pictures that

us guys like to get from girls.

Because I know that YouTube

and people be like,

"Uhh, the best curve

on a woman's body is her smile."

- ( record scratching )

- ( ding )

You know damn well

the best curve on a woman's body

- is that ass.

- ( applause )

- It's gonna look like that.

- OK.

- And then you shoot it...

- See, she's pointing it down.

I'm pointing it down

so the angle comes from

the bottom.

Woman:

Kim Kardashian goes naked.

Kourtney Kardashian

shows off her nipple,

and Kylie Jenner

gets in the mix, too.

What the hell is going on here?

One thing we're seeing

an increase in,

for instance,

is sexting.

People are exchanging

sexual messages and images,

via text, via email,

and sometimes via

particular apps.

I would say that nudes

don't have to be pornography,

but the way they generally exist

and are treated,

they are pornography

by my definition,

they're sexualized

representations

that circulate.

And the circulation is key,

because the problem with

the way they're circulated is,

that tends to eroticize use--

to eroticize just using

somebody else's body

for your own gratification.

If it's in the right context,

I really do like

getting a dick pic--

it can be really great.

But you have to

be in the mood,

and you have to want it,

and there should be,

like, a lead-up to it.

'Cause if you just

get a dick pic cold, it's...

Like, "I wasn't around.

What did it for you?"

I think that if

you're already fucking,

sending a nude

throughout the day

is just kind of like,

A) Thinking of you.

B) Reminding you

how good that sex was

the other day.

'Cause, like, you know,

sometimes if it's been,

like, two days

you're just like,

"Yo, refresher course.

This was great, huh?"

Like... ( laughs )

We can imagine that

there are so many people

with long-distance

relationships,

or perhaps they're busy

with work

and don't see each other enough,

or perhaps they just

want to communicate,

"Hey, I'm turned on by you,

I'm thinking about you."

And sexting for them

can be, perhaps,

a totally fine,

totally healthy way

to communicate

and share these erotic images.

But there is an inherent risk.

And in fact, that risk

can also build intimacy--

knowing that you're exposing

yourself to someone.

Maybe not a good use of words.

Nowadays, the fact that

guys think it's so cool

to expose girls,

it makes it so hard

for you to even feel like

a guy that you're messing with

can have a picture of you naked.

Because if you guys ever

stopped talkin' to each other,

it's like, "Is he gonna

put me on Twitter?

Is he gonna put it

on Instagram?"

I got my phone taken away

because I sent a picture

to a guy

in my bra and underwear

in eighth grade,

I remember that.

He asked me for a picture,

and I sent him a picture

of my face.

Then he was like,

"No, not that type of picture."

They always say that.

And then you're like,

"What type of picture you want?"

And he's like, "You know,

just less clothes."

And it was just like--

I don't know.

And he was showing everybody.

You're young

and you want to be cool

and you don't want the person

to, the next day,

say something about you,

like you're a kid

or something like that.

What often is called

"revenge porn,"

which we could just say is

the non-consensual distribution

of sexual imagery, right,

is when people violate, often,

people's trust and confidence,

and then post nude images

of someone

without their consent,

and often knowingly

in violation of their privacy.

And when it appears online,

or on Twitter,

when it appears in any online

network spaces and is shared,

it will then often appear

in a search of someone's name.

Right? Which,

when you search someone,

who's searching for you?

Clients, employers, friends,

people you care about.

And that's where

the harm comes in,

the potential for economic,

physical,

and sort of emotional harm.

Woman:

So, I was using a dating app

when I met this guy.

I'd gone on

a few dates with him,

but I hadn't gone home with him

and slept with him, basically.

And it didn't seem

to be an issue for me,

I didn't think it was awkward,

but he seemed to think

it was a thing.

I found this website,

and it was--

that was on his blog,

it was a blog entry,

like, a whole page

dedicated to me

and how much I sucked,

basically.

And he had gone through

the last ten years

of my social media

on Facebook, Instagram,

all these outlets,

and taken the worst photos

of me that exist.

It's quite common for people

to set up a site,

often in the victim's

or the targeted person's name,

that says, for example,

"Don't hire so-and-so"

or "So-and-so is a crackhead."

That would be the name,

the domain name, of the site.

Right? And that what you do

on that site

is essentially

do whatever you can

to hurt the reputation

and to terrify the person.

And he make this huge,

like, mosaic of, like--

it was at least 20 photos,

maybe 30 or more,

it was like--

it was a lot of photos

of just all these up-close

terrible shots me

like, drinking,

parties when I'm 17, 18,

or whatever,

and just looking awful,

you know?

And it was so embarrassing,

and it was like,

"Fuck, what is this?"

And then he posted under it

like, a story that was

completely, like,

made up and shit, that said--

I think it said that

"Nicole Disser smoked crack"

and all this stuff.

And it was crack

specifically, you know.

It's like,

"That's outrageous and weird."

So I tried contacting

the web host or whatever

who hosts the domain,

and they never got back to me,

and then I contacted Instagram

and Facebook

to be like, "This guy

is using my photos

without my permission,"

and I never heard

from any of them.

And then it was the dating app

that I contacted,

and they said

to call the police,

because they couldn't

do anything.

You've got officers

who are great at street crimes--

it's what they know well.

But when you come to them

with a problem that involves

having to investigate

your online footprints

and who it is that did this,

they just feel outpaced

by the technology,

they don't know what to do.

I thought that it might be

a good opportunity

for one of those companies

to sort of come

to the rescue in a way,

and be like, "Look,

we protect our users."

Ya know?

Especially the dating app.

I thought that they would

maybe have a better reaction

than very just sort of,

I don't know,

like "It's not our issue,"

I guess.

Badeen:

The ethical implications

of what we're doing

are always weighing upon us.

Everything from bullying

to just inappropriate behavior.

And it's something that...

almost every conversation

we have around here

is about how we can help that.

It's included with

every new thing that

we come up with,

making sure that we create

a safe and comfortable

environment for our users.

There's a lot more

that we could do,

just like every platform.

And we're gonna--

we're working on

all sorts of things.

Don't know all the ways

we're going to do that,

but collectively, we'll figure

something out, I'm sure.

We better. We have to.

Interviewer:

Have you ever

heard from anybody

who's had something bad happen?

Badeen:

Directly, I have not.

Nobody's personally

come to me with it.

But there's certainly been a few

different news stories and all

that have occurred.

I don't know any specifically.

Strimpel:

There are stories

from a hundred years ago

of women being murdered

when meeting a man

that advertised in

the Lonely Hearts section

of the newspaper.

Luckily, these are not

everyday stories,

but they do underscore

the huge risks involved,

and moreover, they do

kind of ask us

to think more deeply

about why it is

that when a woman is murdered,

it is likely to be by

someone who she's in a sort of

intimate situation with.

So we do need to get beyond

just blaming dating apps,

we need to also think about

what's going on

more deeply in society

that for all the gains

women have made,

the domestic violence figures

speak for themselves,

murder figures

speak for themselves,

women are still being murdered

and physically abused by men

on a hugely regular basis.

This dude is freaking psychotic.

He drunkenly came to my house

at like 5:00 in the morning.

Mind you, I'd invited him over

at probably like 11:00,

thinking he was gonna

get there by, like, 1:00

and I could kick him out

around 3:00.

'Cause I didn't want

to sleep with him at the time,

it was way too early.

So he comes there mad late,

clearly drunk as hell,

so I'm like, "All right."

And he took a cab there

from wherever he was.

So I'm like, "OK,

I don't want to be a bitch

because you just

spent all this money

to get to my house,

I understand you're late

and you probably

want to just sleep,

it is what it is,

I'll let you crash."

He gets in my bed,

literally tries

to force himself on me,

and I just wasn't rockin'.

And I literally had

to hold my clothes,

push this nigga off me,

I'm not yelling

because I don't want

to wake my roommates up,

'cause I'm not getting raped

and I'm thinking eventually

he's gonna get a hint.

Then he drunkenly passes out,

I wait about an hour,

and I'm like freaking out,

and then I kick him out

of my apartment.

And obviously, I kind of

set myself up for it,

so I'm kind of

an idiot for that.

I'm not emotionally distraught

over it or anything.

Just one of those, like,

"Y'all need to do better."

And I'm so glad

that it didn't get worse,

'cause there are

so many scenarios

where I've heard,

like, where it has,

where other women,

not with him in particular,

but just in general.

And I know so many

of my very, very, very,

very close female friends

have experienced very negative

encounters with men,

and I'm just grateful

that nothing on that level

has happened,

'cause it's very possible,

and I pray that it never does.

I wouldn't even wish that shit

on my enemies.

Cheyenne:

Even when I had

my old boyfriend

and we would do stuff like...

he always kind of vaguely

pressured me into stuff,

which wasn't cool.

So we'd be hanging out

and we'd be watching TV,

and I just wanted to cuddle

and watch TV,

and then he would start

kissing my neck or whatever

and sort of get on top of me,

and I would kinda pull away

and be like,

"I just kinda

want to sit here,"

and then he would

put his hands up my shirt

and all this kinda stuff.

And I would just

try and turn away.

And then it always

just got to a point--

He knew that I would just

get to a point where I was like,

( sighs ) "OK,

I guess we're doing this."

And so we'd do whatever.

And it was literally...

every single time we were alone.

Every single time.

I'm realizing now,

looking back on it,

that it was a little bit more

fucked up than I thought it was.

Dylan:

I see people try

to justify, like,

the rape of a spouse,

or the rape of a girlfriend

or a boyfriend.

These are things that

are embedded in our society.

It's definitely something

that the Internet

and social media

is enlightening

a lot of young women

to realize "I'm valuable,

I don't have to put up

with your shit,

and I also

don't have to be treated

like a sex object

for the rest of my life,

and I'm also capable

of doing whatever I want,

and if your politics

don't correlate with mine,

that's cool,

but I'm gonna still do me

at the end of the day."

( laughter, chatter )

So what if there's

a dating app

that was designed around

how women perceive attraction?

Like, would that be different?

What if you designed

a dating app?

What would it be like?

Cheyenne:

If I'm designing a dating app--

I don't know.

I feel like there's no way

to get around the fact that men

- can be fucking disgusting.

- Oh, absolutely.

I think it's the fact that

women have always been seen

as an object of pleasure

or an object of, like,

something secondary,

something inferior.

- A vessel.

- Yeah, it's a vessel.

And even nowadays,

it's sort of like,

"The only reason that

you exist in this space

is for my viewing pleasure."

I'm not saying that everyone

who does dating apps

is terrible or gross

or anything,

but the fact that

you have to work your way

through so many people

that are just like

either total bullshitters

or obviously only after sex,

and not after

anything substantial,

so you're like, "OK,"

and it just gets exhausting,

so I'm just like "Why bother?"

Young Woman:

Cheers!

( siren wails,

horn honks )

What the #MeToo movement

has done,

it's really created

this huge voice

in the community,

and that voice is strong,

and I do feel as a woman

running the largest

set of dating products

in the world,

that we have to listen

to that voice

and we have to

adapt our products,

how we work internally,

our sensitivity to things,

and especially as we--

we are creating social products

that sit in the hands of women,

and this is a time where we--

I do think it's important for us

to both protect, listen,

and create products

that are relevant to women.

Interviewer:

Then how are you

going to do that?

I mean, I think

there's a couple of things

that we need to do.

One, we have safety tips.

First of all,

it's really important

that women don't meet people--

they never go

to someone's house,

they meet in a public place,

they don't drink,

they let someone know

where they're going,

they are-- they take precaution,

they let a person know

that they're on a date

with someone else,

they never go

into someone's car,

and so there's a number

of safety tips that

we provide for people,

and I just think that people

also have to just take

real precaution.

There have been reports

of a rise in sexual violence

related to online dating.

Do you think dating apps

are contributing

to rape culture?

The sad thing is that,

you know,

because there's so many millions

and millions of people

on our products--

one out of every two

single people

have a profile on a dating app

today in the United States--

then it is truly

what happens in a society

happens on the apps as well.

Alter:

I don't see it slowing down.

I mean, why would it slow down?

It's making a lot of money

for a lot of different

companies and a lot of people.

We're getting better

at designing experiences

that are addictive

because we understand it more

now than we ever did before.

So I don't see it slowing down.

I think it's only

gonna be weaponized,

and I think when virtual

and augmented reality

become a really big deal,

can you imagine dating apps

where you can actually interact

in a room with the people

that you're swiping?

Why wouldn't people spend

24 hours a day on these apps

if they feel like

they're actually in a room

with other people?

And if they don't like them,

they can get rid of them ASAP,

no problem,

but if they do,

you're actually

that much closer

to actually being

on a date with them

without having to do anything.

You can sit in

your boxer shorts at home

and be on a date with someone--

why wouldn't you do that?

We know there are sex robots,

and we know that

now there are appendages

that you can attach to yourself

that make an experience

feel like sex.

And so it's just gonna be

a more immersive version

of that over time,

the virtual

and augmented reality.

I don't know,

we were just drifting

further and further apart,

and, like, towards the end

it felt like we weren't

even really...

like, in a relationship.

Kyle:

I definitely became

more distant. I don't know why.

Yeah, you used to

four or five times a day

be, like,

"I'm gonna marry you,

you know that?"

I could have been delusional,

but it felt right at the time.

- Whatever.

- He was just excited

about having

somebody to love.

It's sweet.

There's nothing

wrong with that.

All I wanted to do

is just say,

"Let's be friends,

but let's keep it open-ended."

- He went on a date on Friday...

- Friday.

- I don't know.

- Well, he got laid.

You've got laid too.

Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, I have gotten laid,

but I didn't get laid

on Friday on my date.

- He met the-- on Tinder.

- You downloaded Tinder too.

- OK, yeah.

- You're just as guilty.

Tinder exhausts me.

I'm so, like,

I just downloaded it

so that I could judge people

and, like, swipe.

I like doing the swiping.

I always have.

Bullshit.

Yeah. And then--

"And then I end up

going on a date with a guy."

Well, no, he seems nice,

but I wasn't planning

on sleeping with him.

But yeah, and then

I was like, "Hmm.

Yeah, I don't know."

I just-- He came back

from the bathroom,

and I was like...

"I'm really sorry.

I just-- I just

wanna go home."

( laughs )

And then I just left.

So, ya know,

I'm not like, uh...

I don't know.

I just wanted

someone to talk to...

for, like, an hour.

But I don't know.

Tinder is exhausting.

I don't wanna--

Nothing good happens

from Tinder.

Yeah.

Well, we met on Tinder.

( music playing )