Swiped (2016) - full transcript

A very active dater with 10+ years experience searches for love with the best intentions but misses the boat every chance she gets through self sabotage, numerous layers of spanx and poor decisions.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

LOOK, IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THIS,

IN TECH AND IN LIFE:

IF YOU'RE NOT DISRUPTING,

YOU'RE NOT INNOVATING.

YOU HAVEN'T SAID A WORD

IN TWO HOURS.

OH, SORRY,

I WAS WATCHING SIMON LANG.

- I...

- SIMON LANG?

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA INTERACT

WITH REAL PEOPLE

WHO ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?

YOU KNOW, THE GREAT THING

ABOUT COLLEGE IS

IT'S THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE

FRIENDSHIPS THAT LAST A LIFETIME.

DO YOU KNOW WHO

YOUR ROOMMATE'S GONNA BE?

A GUY NAMED LANCE BLACK.

I BET HE'S LOVELY.

DID YOU CALL

TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF?

I DID, I DID.

I LEFT HIM A VOICEMAIL.

- NEVER CALLED BACK.

- WELL, DID YOU SOUND LIKE A NERD?

SORRY.

SOUNDED LIKE MYSELF.

YEAH, THAT'S WHY

HE DIDN'T CALL BACK.

OH, ASHLEY.

GUYS, PLEASE.

- ENTREZ-NOUS.

- OKAY.

HERE WE GO.

OH, IT'S, UM...

IT'S A LITTLE SMALLER

THAN IT LOOKED IN THE BROCHURE.

I THINK IT'S BIG ENOUGH

FOR TWO PEOPLE.

WHAT IF YOU WANT

TO HAVE FRIENDS OVER?

LET'S GET REAL, MOM.

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

JAMES, PLEASE DON'T LET THE

COMPUTER BE YOUR ONLY FRIEND.

JAMES: IT'S NOT.

IT'S HOPELESS.

OKAY.

ONE DAY,

I WILL CODE AN APP

THAT WILL REALLY

MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

JAMES, I KNOW IT'S

NOT PRINCETON OR M.I.T.

NO, MOM, DON'T DO THAT.

IT'S OKAY.

I JUST REALLY HOPE

MY ROOMMATE'S, LIKE,

AT LEAST A LITTLE SMART.

MOM, LET'S GO.

I'VE GOT A PARTY

TO GET TO TONIGHT.

OKAY.

AAH.

THIS IS WHERE I LEAVE YOU.

OOH, I LOVE YOU,

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.

OKAY, JAMES... HAVE FUN.

- BYE, JAMES.

- BYE, JAMES.

BE GOOD.

NO, DON'T BE GOOD.

BE ROTTEN,

BUT EAT GOOD,

- AND HAVE FUN, AND...

- MOM, LET'S GO.

I'M SURE YOUR ROOMMATE

WILL BE LOVELY.

JAMES: OH.

HI.

YOU MUST BE LANCE.

YEAH. YOU MUST BE MY SOON-TO-BE-TRANSFERRED-

TO-ANOTHER-COLLEGE ROOMMATE.

OH, OKAY.

UM...

SO THIS IS YOUR SIDE

OF THE ROOM.

I HAVE LEFT IT

COMPLETELY UNTOUCHED.

DO YOU NEED HELP

BRINGING ANYTHING IN?

NO, I GOT IT COVERED.

THANKS, THOUGH.

HEY, DO YOU WANT TO GRAB

SOMETHING TO EAT?

ACTUALLY, YEAH,

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO.

- YEAH.

- OKAY, COOL.

I'LL SEE YOU, MAN.

UH, OKAY, NO, YEAH.

THAT'S... THAT'S COOL.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO.

I WAS GONNA FINISH UP

ON SOME WORK THAT I WAS DOING,

SO MAYBE WE COULD CHAT ABOUT IT

LATER OVER SOME CHAI TEA,

OR... OKAY.

HERE YOU GO, MAN.

HAVE A NICE NIGHT.

WOMAN: ORDER NUMBER SEVEN

IS READY!

GOD, I JUST WANT TO KISS YOU.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.

OH, IT'S... UH, IT'S ROB.

ROB.

WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME, ROB?

WHY DO YOU

NEED SO MUCH INFORMATION?

YOUR LAST NAME IS

"SO MUCH INFORMATION"?

WELL, YEAH.

LOOK, YOU SEE THIS?

WHAT? IT'S A PHONE.

NO, NO, NO,

IT'S NOT A PHONE.

THIS IS A 24/7 PORTAL

TO ALL THE SEX THAT

I COULD EVER DREAM ABOUT.

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS CLICK.

SO...?

SO, I MEAN,

YOU'RE OBSOLETE.

OKAY, LIKE, I'M NOT GONNA TELL

YOU WHAT MY LAST NAME IS,

AND I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU

WHERE I'M FROM

OR WHERE I GO TO SCHOOL

OR WHAT I DO AT SCHOOL, OKAY?

AND YOU KNOW

WHAT THE BEST PART IS?

I DON'T HAVE TO, OKAY?

HEY, HEY, WESLEY, MAN.

WAIT UP, MAN.

WESLEY.

HE WAS CUTE.

- I GUESS.

- WHY'D HE LEAVE?

HE WOULDN'T EVEN TELL ME

HIS LAST NAME.

SO?

SO I'M GOING HOME.

HEY, WAIT.

MIND IF I HOOK UP WITH HIM?

WHATEVER, RACHEL.

HEY, WAIT UP.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR NAME IS,

FIRST OR LAST.

HANNAH?

- YOU GO TO SCHOOL HERE?

- YEP.

- ME, TOO.

- OKAY, COOL.

I MEAN, I HAVEN'T

SEEN YOU SINCE...

SINCE PROM NIGHT IN MAY.

YEAH, JAMES, LET'S PLEASE

NOT TALK ABOUT IT.

LOOK, I WAS JUST

TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU.

- YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT IT.

- LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID SO WRONG.

I MEAN, I...

WAS MY VOICE THAT BAD?

NO, YOUR VOICE WAS GREAT.

THEN WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

JAMES.

YOU KNOW HOW SHY I AM.

WHEN YOU PICKED UP

THAT MICROPHONE

AND ANNOUNCED MY NAME IN FRONT

OF A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE,

400 PAIRS OF EYES

TURNED TO FACE ME.

I WAS MORTIFIED.

I UNDERSTAND

THAT YOU WANTED TO EXPRESS

YOUR FEELINGS TO ME,

BUT THERE'S A WAY BETTER WAY OF

DOING THAT THAN HUMILIATING ME.

HANNAH, I'M REALLY SORRY.

SERIOUSLY, MY INTENTIONS

WERE THE EXACT OPPOSITE

OF THE RESULTS,

AND I WAS JUST TRYING

TO SHOW YOU THAT I LIKED YOU

BEFORE WE GRADUATED

AND WENT OFF TO COLLEGE,

AND I TRIED FOR FOUR YEARS

AND NOTHING WORKED.

PLEASE JUST WALK ME TO MY DORM

AND THEN LEAVE ME ALONE.

I'M JUST NEVER

GONNA SING AGAIN.

NO, YOU DON'T

HAVE TO DO THAT,

AND YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE

TO DO THAT FOR ME.

I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU,

HANNAH.

THEN PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE IN

MY QUIET SPACE WITH MY BOOKS.

IF YOU WANT TO READ,

I'LL WATCH THE GROUND

SO YOU DON'T TRIP

ON ANYTHING ELSE.

OKAY.

AT LEAST TELL ME

WHAT YOU'RE READING.

- "SENSE AND SENSIBILITY" BY JANE AUSTEN.

- JANE AUSTEN.

HAVE YOU READ HER WORK?

I LOVE JANE AUSTEN, YEAH.

- ME, TOO.

- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART ABOUT HER?

SHE WRITES COMPLEX,

STRONG FEMALE CHARACTERS.

HER CHARACTERS

ARE SO EXTRAVAGANT.

THEIR NAMES ARE SO PRECISE,

KINDA LIKE IP ADDRESSES.

YEAH, I MEAN, YOU CAN TELL SO MUCH

ABOUT A PERSON BY THEIR NAME.

WELL...

HEY, UM,

I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT...

THERE'S A CHASM BETWEEN

MY INTENTIONS AND MY RESULTS.

I KNOW

YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

I'LL SEE YOU IN CS.

- ELEVATOR: FLOOR NUMBER FIVE.

- YES, YEAH.

- I'LL SEE YOU AS WELL.

- ELEVATOR: GOING UP.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! JUST

COME BACK TOMORROW, ALL RIGHT?

I GOT COMPANY.

WHAT? WHY?

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP?

NOT HERE.

JUST FIGURE IT OUT, MAN.

YEAH, JUST ATE DINNER,

TUCKED IN FOR BED NOW.

REALLY COMFORTABLE, ACTUALLY.

UH, YEAH,

THE SHEETS YOU GOT ME,

THEY'RE REALLY SOFT.

USING THEM A LOT.

LANCE SEEMS...

PRETTY ACCEPTING OF ME.

HEY!

OH! GET DRESSED,

GET DRESSED!

YOU PROMISED ME

COFFEE AND BAGELS.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I'LL SEND YOU THE GIFT CARD

VIA THE EMAIL

FOR BAGEL BROS,

BUT RIGHT NOW YOU GOTTA

GET DRESSED,

- YOU'RE GOING OUT THE WINDOW.

- EXCUSE ME?

YEAH, YOU'RE EXITING

VIA WINDOW.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

IT'S LITERALLY JUST

THE GROUND FLOOR,

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

ALL THOSE NICE THINGS

I SAID ABOUT YOU LAST NIGHT,

I TAKE THEM ALL BACK.

HEY, HEY, HEY!

YOU IN THERE?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

I'M COMING, POPS!

I'M JUST... UM...

PUTTING ON SOME PANTS.

WHAT'S YOUR DAD DOING HERE?

I THINK HE'S JUST BRINGING

ME MY STUFF, ALL RIGHT?

BUT IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO,

COME ON.

I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.

HEY! BIMBO FLYING!

SOMEBODY CATCH HER!

HEY!

DUDE...

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HAVE

TO CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.

COME HERE.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.

THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

WOW!

YOU HAD A GOOD TRIP UP?

YEAH, GREAT TRIP!

WOW!

- GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

- WOW!

WELL, THIS IS THE SPOT.

AWESOME, BRO,

THIS IS AWESOME.

DESK, BED...

- HEY, THIS IS INGA.

- INGA?

- HI.

- INGA?

WHAT HAPPENED TO FABIOLA?

- INGA HAPPENED TO FABIOLA.

- OH.

ALL GOOD, ALL GOOD.

- OKAY.

- HEY, INGA, UNPACK EVERYTHING,

AND THEN KINDA PUT IT ALL AWAY

NICE AND ORGANIZED.

- SURE.

- I'MA TAKE THE BIG GUY OUT TO BREAKFAST.

- SURE.

- IS THAT GREAT?

BAGELS AND COFFEE.

WHICH WOULD MAKE THAT...

SORRY I'M LATE, PROFESSOR,

I WAS JUST, UM...

READING THAT BOOK

IN YOUR SYLLABUS.

SO LATENESS WILL PUT YOU

ON THE FAST TRACK

TO GETTING AN F

IN MY CLASS.

TAKE A SEAT.

AND WIPE THE GIRL

OFF YOUR FACE, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, SO, YOUR ASSIGNMENT

WAS TO CREATE TRUTH TABLES

BASED ON THE READING.

SO, WHO AMONG YOU

DID THE ASSIGNMENT?

UM, I COMPLETED THE ASSIGNMENT,

PROFESSOR BARNES.

I'M SORRY,

TODAY'S THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS,

WHEN DID YOU ASSIGN THIS?

IT WAS IN YOUR SYLLABUS

I SENT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

OVER TWO WEEKS AGO.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

UH, JAMES SINGER.

ALL RIGHT, JAMES,

SINCE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE

WHO APPARENTLY READ

THE SYLLABUS,

OR COMPLETED THE ASSIGNMENT,

WOULD YOU CARE TO STAND UP

AND EXPLAIN IT TO THE CLASS?

UH, YEAH,

OF COURSE, YEAH.

THAT, MY FRIEND, PUTS YOU ON

THE FAST TRACK TO GETTING AN A,

OKAY?

UH...

ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T DO IT,

IT WAS A DIFFERENT ONE.

I DIDN'T COMPLETE IT AT ALL,

ACTUALLY.

UH-HUH.

GOD, I MISS NEW HAVEN.

LISTEN...

...THIS CLASS IS YOUR DOORWAY

TO EVERY OTHER

COMPUTER SCIENCE COURSE

IN THIS ENTIRE COLLEGE.

IT IS A REQUIREMENT

THAT I MAKE IT TOUGH.

WHY IS THAT A REQUIREMENT?

TO WEED OUT THE UNWORTHY.

THE CODING FIELD IS OVERCROWDED

WITH DABBLERS,

AND I FOR ONE...

EXCUSE ME, TAKE THOSE OFF!

THANK YOU.

AND STOP LOOKING

AT YOUR NAILS, THANK YOU.

SO, IF YOU WANT TO TAKE ANY

OTHER COMPUTER SCIENCE COURSES

AT THIS COLLEGE, OR YOU WANT

A CAREER IN IT,

YOU HAVE TO TAKE MY CLASS,

AND IN ORDER TO PASS MY CLASS,

YOU HAVE TO WORK...

VERY HARD.

CLASS DISMISSED.

- WHAT'S UP?

- HEY, SQUARE.

LISTEN,

ME AND THE OTHER STUDENTS,

WE KINDA... WE'VE COME UP

WITH A PLAN.

FOR WHAT?

TO PASS CS.

UH, WHAT'S THE PLAN?

BRO, ARE YOU GONNA

SLEEP WITH PROFESSOR BARNES?

- NO, I'M NOT GONNA SLEEP WITH PROFESSOR BARNES.

- THAT'S GNARLY.

DON'T DO IT.

SHE WOULD PROBABLY FALL INTO A

DEPRESSION, EVEN THOUGH SHE DIGS ME.

THE THING IS I WOULD GET

EXPELLED AND WE DON'T WANT THAT,

SO WE HAVE TO DO THIS

A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.

HERE'S WHAT I'M THINKING,

SHE CAN'T FAIL ALL OF US

AT ONCE, OKAY?

SO WE EITHER SINK TOGETHER

OR WE DROWN TOGETHER.

ISN'T THAT THE SAME THING?

I THINK IT'S THE SAME THING.

YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE

IT'S THE POINT.

I... I KNOW.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU IF

AND WHEN WE DO THE ASSIGNMENTS,

OKAY?

HOW ARE YOU GONNA LEARN?

WHAT?

HOW ARE WE GONNA LEARN?

BRO, WE DON'T WANNA LEARN.

WE JUST WANNA PASS

THE CS REQUIREMENTS.

NO, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF,

WESLEY.

SORRY, I HATE HIM.

I WANT TO LEARN.

SEE, HE WANTS TO LEARN.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE PLAN

OR NOT?

- HE WANTS TO...

- DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

- I UNDERSTAND.

- GOOD.

WE'LL BE IN CONTACT.

TILL THEN, DO YOU,

BOO-BOO.

COME ON GUYS, LET'S GO.

- SEE YOU LATER, ALLIGATOR.

- OKAY, OKAY.

- REMEMBER THAT.

- LOVE YOU.

WHAT?

ALL RIGHT, NOW GUYS, WHAT

DATING APP WOULD YOU RECOMMEND?

NONE OF 'EM, MAN,

DATING IS FOR PUTZES.

WHY WOULD I WASTE MY MONEY

ON A MOVIE?

- OR DINNER?

- OR FLOWERS?

YOU KNOW, I NEVER

GAVE A GIRL FLOWERS.

HEY, DON'T DISS FLOWERS,

MY DAD GIVES MY MOM FLOWERS

ALL THE TIME AND IT

ALWAYS MAKES HER HAPPY.

THAT WENT OUT

WITH THE 20TH CENTURY.

I'M GONNA

FALL.

IT'S A WASTE OF TIME

AND MONEY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S A NUMBERS GAME.

SEE, THE MARKET IS SATURATED

IN SINGLE, SLUTTY GIRLS,

AND IT'S A BUYER'S MARKET.

HEY, LANCE, DO YOU HAVE

A MINUTE?

ACTUALLY NO, WE'RE IN

A BOARD MEETING,

- IT'S KINDA PRIVATE.

- OH, YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME?

WELL, DO I KNOW YOU?

UH, YEAH,

WE SLEPT TOGETHER.

- UM...

- YOU NEVER CALLED.

I WILL CALL YOU.

I PROMISE, I WILL CALL YOU.

OKAY?

BYE.

HE IS NOT GONNA CALL YOU.

SO WHAT WOULD YOU GUYS SAY

IS THE BEST HOOK-UP APP?

UM...

WELL, I GUESS THE PERFECT APP

HASN'T EVEN BEEN CREATED YET.

- WHOA.

- HELLO.

YEAH, BUT WHAT FEATURES

DO YOU THINK WE NEED?

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD HAVE

A GIRL AIRLIFTED OUT OF MY BED

- THE SECOND I'M FINISHED WITH HER.

- OOH!

YIKES, I DON'T THINK TELEPORTATION

EXISTS YET, LANCE, SO...

I WAS BEING THEORETICAL.

YEAH, THEORETICAL.

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD HAVE TO

MAKE SURE THAT A GIRL

COULDN'T FIND ME AFTER,

YOU KNOW?

OR EVEN IF

SHE WANTED TO FIND ME

SHE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO

BECAUSE THE INFORMATION

WOULD GET LOST OR MAYBE

IT WOULD JUST MORPH MY ACCOUNT

INTO SOME OTHER ACCOUNT.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, NO, NO,

I GET WHAT YOU MEAN,

LIKE, YOU COULD MIX UP

OUR IDENTITY OR SOMETHING.

YEAH, IT'S PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY

WHAT I JUST SAID.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHY DON'T WE JUST CREATE

AN APP LIKE THAT.

OH, YOU KNOW HOW TO CODE?

BUT WE'RE TAKING A COMPUTER

SCIENCE CLASS,

WE CAN LEARN.

NO, WE CAN'T. NOT TO DO

SOMETHING THAT SOPHISTICATED.

WE DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND

THE BOOK.

YEAH, WE CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND

THE SYLLABUS.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

DISRUPTION IS NOT AN APP.

DISRUPTION IS NOT GADGET.

DISRUPTION IS NOT

A BUSINESS MODEL.

DISRUPTION IS CATACLYSMIC CHANGE

IN HUMAN BEHAVIOR

BROUGHT ON BY CONSENSUS.

I'M NOT DOING THE HOMEWORK,

I'M JUST READING THE BOOK.

YOU DIDN'T SAY I COULDN'T

READ THE BOOK, IS THAT OKAY?

RELAX.

WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE BOOK?

IT'S ON THE SYLLABUS.

IT'S "PROGRAMMING SOCIAL

ENGAGEMENT PLATFORMS."

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- YOU'RE KIDDING.

- I NEVER KID.

WELL, I THINK THAT MIGHT

BE A PROBLEM, JAMES.

- HEY, THAT'S MINE.

- WELL, IT'S A NICE PHONE CASE.

- THANK YOU.

- IT'S BIRDS.

- MM-HMM.

- IS THE BOOK HARD?

I'VE READ IT BEFORE.

I MEAN THE ORIGINAL EDITION.

WHAT, IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS?

NO, WHEN I WAS

IN SIXTH GRADE.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU

BEEN CODING FOR?

- SINCE I WAS SEVEN.

- HMM.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, YOU'VE BEEN PROMOTED.

YOU'RE INVITED

TO MY BOARD MEETING.

COME ON, GRAB YOUR STUFF.

GRAB A CHAIR.

WHOA, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, UH, DANIEL, WESLEY,

YOU REMEMBER JAMES.

JAMES, THIS IS DANIEL

AND WESLEY.

- WHAT'S UP?

- HOW'S IT GOING, BUDDY?

OKAY, IF THIS IS

ABOUT COMPUTER SCIENCE,

I'M JUST GONNA SAY,

MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL DO

THE HOMEWORK, I'M JUST SAYING.

UH, YOU HAVEN'T QUITE GOTTEN

TO VOTING STATUS YET,

SO FOR RIGHT NOW

YOU'RE JUST CONSULTANT, OKAY?

OF COURSE, YEAH.

- SO, I HAVE AN IDEA.

- WHOA!

- HEY.

- WE HAVE AN IDEA,

AND WE WOULD LIKE

TO HIRE YOU.

TO DO WHAT?

TO BUILD AN APP.

WE NEED TO INTERVIEW HIM

FIRST

BEFORE WE GIVE HIM ANY JOB.

TRUE, TRUE.

HAVE YOU EVER BUILT

AN APP BEFORE?

YES.

OKAY, WELL,

TELL US ABOUT IT.

- WHICH ONE?

- WHOA, WHOA! WHICH ONE?

LIKE THERE'S MULTIPLE APPS

THAT YOU'VE MADE?

UH, WELL, YEAH,

I'VE BUILT 17 FOR IOS,

AND 12 FOR ANDROID.

OKAY, SO WHAT DO THEY DO?

UH, OKAY, WELL, ONE OF THEM LEAD

HOMELESS PEOPLE TO SHELTERS,

ANOTHER ONE ASSISTED

THE BLIND,

UH, ONE PUBLIC

THOROUGH FARES,

ANOTHER ONE HOSTED

LOCAL FOOD DRIVES, UM...

OKAY, WELL, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO

DO SOMETHING THAT'S IMPORTANT.

HEY, CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVE THAT

THIS GENIUS IS MY ROOMMATE?

I MEAN, HOW PERFECT IS THAT?

OOH-HOO-HOO-HOO!

THIS IS PERFECT.

MM-HMM, I LOVE IT.

JAMES, YOU ARE GOING TO BUILD

ONE MORE APP,

AND THIS APP WILL TAKE

THE WORLD BY STORM.

WELL, WHAT'S IT GONNA DO?

JAMES, IT'S QUITE SIMPLE.

WE TAKE MEN AND WOMEN

AND WE PUT THEM TOGETHER

SO THEY CAN MEET UP.

- SO, A DATING APP.

- NOT A DATING APP.

HOOK-UPS.

THERE'S ALREADY HOOK-UP APPS

OUT THERE.

NO, BUT NOT LIKE THIS ONE.

WHAT'S SO DIFFERENT

ABOUT THIS ONE?

THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT TO BE

ON THIS APP,

YOU HAVE TO AGREE TO CERTAIN

TERMS AND CONDITIONS

THAT WILL MAKE SURE

THAT YOU, ONE,

DO NOT ASK FOR NAMES,

TWO, YOU WILL NOT ASK

TO SEE THE PERSON AGAIN,

AND, THREE, BY NO MEANS,

UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE,

WILL YOU DATE

ANYBODY ON THE APP.

AND THAT MEANS THAT ALL

THE GUYS ARE GONNA BE ON IT.

AND ALL THE GIRLS ARE GONNA

HAVE TO BE ON IT

IF THEY WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE.

MM-HMM.

OKAY, WHAT'S SO WRONG

WITH A GIRL KNOWING YOUR NAME,

OR EVEN WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE?

WHAT'S SO BAD?

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S

FOR ME TO KNOW

AND YOU TO FIGURE OUT

HOW TO CODE.

DO YOU THINK...

ALL THE GIRLS WILL BE

ON THE APP?

OH, OKAY.

SO HE DOES LIKE GIRLS.

PAY UP.

DUDE, I'M NOT GAY.

I DO... I LIKE ONE GIRL.

I'M NOT SAYING WHO IT IS.

STICK AROUND, OKAY?

LISTEN TO ME,

AND SHE'LL BE EATING

OUT OF THE PALM OF YOUR HAND.

WHOA, WHOA, JAMES, JAMES,

COME ON.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

COME BACK.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

SO IT'S A MAYBE.

OKAY, FINE, WELL,

YOU WON FAIR AND SQUARE.

PAY UP.

SO, HOW WAS THE HONEYMOON?

IT WAS THE BEST ONE YET.

IT WAS ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS,

JAMES.

I TOLD HER,

"JUST BRING A PASSPORT."

YOU KNOW, AN ANNUAL HONEYMOON

WOULD SAVE ANY MARRIAGE.

I WISH YOU AND LEAH WOULD HAVE

TRIED IT, HONEY.

THANKS FOR

THE EARLY WARNING, MOM.

UH, JAMES, HAVE YOU

MET ANYONE YET?

YEAH, I'VE MET A LOT

OF PEOPLE.

ANY GIRLS?

NO, DAD, I'M TRYING TO FOCUS

ON MY STUDIES.

I'M GONNA ASK

FOR A PATERNITY TEST.

HEY, I SHOULD ASK

FOR A PATERNITY TEST.

- OUCH!

- VERY FAMILIAR WITH THE GARDENER.

- OH, PHIL.

- DAD, I WAS ONLY KIDDING.

ME TOO, ME TOO.

JAMES, IF YOU WANT ANY

ADVICE ABOUT THE FAIRER SEX,

YOU SHOULD ASK

YOUR GRANDFATHER.

THEY DON'T ACT MUCH FAIRER.

YOU'RE NOT BECOMING

AN ANTI-FEMINIST, ARE YOU JAMES?

I DON'T KNOW GRANDPA, I'M

STILL STUDYING THE SITUATION.

DAD, I DON'T THINK YOUR

ROMANTIC ADVICE PERTAINS

TO JAMES' GENERATION.

THEY'RE DOING EVERYTHING

ON THEIR PHONE NOW.

THAT I'D LIKE TO SEE.

I MEAN, THAT'S HOW

THEY MEET EACH OTHER.

AND HOOK-UP WITH EACH OTHER

AND BREAK-UP WITH EACH OTHER.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY,

WOMEN AND MEN

HAVE NOT CHANGED

FOR 10,000 YEARS.

PHIL...

...I'M NOT SO SURE

ABOUT THAT.

HMM, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT.

WHAT?

IS THE WELL DRY?

NO, I JUST HAVE TO WAIT

FOR MY DAD'S CHECK TO CLEAR.

YOU THINK ABOUT MY OFFER?

- TO MAKE THE HOOK-UP APP?

- MM-HMM.

YEAH, AND THE ANSWER IS NO,

OKAY?

THAT'S THE LAST THING

THAT I WANT TO DO.

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT

THE RIGHT GUY FOR IT ANYWAY.

I MEAN,

IF YOU WERE SO SMART,

YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED

TO PRINCETON OR M.I.T.,

OR MAYBE EVEN HARVARD,

RIGHT?

I GOT INTO PRINCETON,

M.I.T., HARVARD, AND STANFORD.

OH, YEAH,

THEN WHY AREN'T YOU THERE?

BECAUSE...

MY PARENTS DON'T HAVE

THE MONEY.

YEAH, WELL IF YOU WERE

SO SMART,

I'M SURE YOU'D HAVE

A SCHOLARSHIP, RIGHT?

THE IVYS DON'T GIVE

ACADEMIC SCHOLARSHIPS

AND WITH MY FAMILY'S BUSINESS,

IT JUST...

YOU KNOW WHAT?

NEVER MIND.

JAMES, I AM

YOUR SAVING GRACE.

I MEAN, IF YOU DO THIS APP,

I WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE MONEY

TO GO TO WHEREVER YOU WANT

TO GO FOR SCHOOLING.

THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU'LL BE LIKE STEVE JOBS

OR STEVE WOZNIAK.

BILL GATES

AND PAUL ALLEN.

MATT DAMON

AND BEN AFFLECK.

LET ME KNOW.

OKAY?

SO, UH, WHAT TIME

IS YOUR NEXT CLASS?

AN HOUR.

YEAH?

I NEED MY DESK

AND MY CHAIR.

WELL, THIS ISN'T GONNA

TAKE LONG, RIGHT? IT'S QUICK.

WELL I NEED IT NOW

IF YOU WANT MY HELP.

WAIT, HOLD ON,

YOU DECIDED TO DO IT?

WELL,

THERE ARE CONDITIONS.

LIKE, NO GIRLS,

NO PARTIES,

NO STAYING UP

UNTIL 3:00 AM WITH FRIENDS.

THIS WILL BECOME

A CODING SANCTUARY.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST CODE

IN THE STUDY ROOM DOWN THE HALL?

- NO.

- WELL, I NEED MY ROOM, DUDE.

WELL, I NEED MY ROOM.

OKAY, WAIT!

YES, YES, YEAH, YEAH,

YOU CAN CODE IN HERE.

WILL YOU ALSO

MAKE ME BREAKFAST?

NO, I WILL NOT MAKE YOU

BREAKFAST, JAMES.

BUT SHE SERIOUSLY DOES

HAVE TO GO.

YEAH, OKAY,

YOU HEARD THE MAN.

TIME TO SKEDADDLE,

GET OUT.

- WILL YOU CALL ME LATER?

- PROBABLY NOT.

HE WON'T.

OKAY, I'LL COME BY

AFTER CLASS.

NO, NO, NO, JAMES AND I

HAVE VERY IMPORTANT WORK TO DO

AND WE NEED PEACE AND QUIET,

BUT, THANK YOU.

SERIOUSLY.

I HAVE ONE MORE CONDITION.

I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I'M NOT

MAKING BREAKFAST FOR YOU IN BED.

IT'S NOT THAT.

I WANT TO DO THIS ANONYMOUSLY.

WELL, THEN WHO IS GONNA

TAKE THE CREDIT

FOR DEVELOPING THE APP?

WELL, CONSIDERING

I HAVE NOT BEEN ACCORDED

VOTING RIGHTS, STILL.

I WOULD SAY, YOU WOULD

TAKE THE CREDIT.

WHO? ME?

- YEAH, YOU.

- WHY?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT PEOPLE

TO KNOW I'M A PART OF THIS.

WHAT PEOPLE

DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW

THAT YOU'RE A PART

OF THIS APP?

MY MOTHER, FOR ONE.

OH!

WAIT, WE CAN'T TELL MOMMY?

WHY NOT?

OKAY, DO YOU WANT MY HELP

OR NOT?

YEAH, NO, YEAH,

OBVIOUSLY.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

LET'S GET STARTED.

I FELT LIKE IT WAS

A BAPTISM.

HEY, WHERE'VE YOU GUYS BEEN?

OH, UH...

WE'VE BEEN STUDYING.

FOR REAL?

UH-HUH.

YEAH, WE'RE ACTUALLY CODING

A NEW BREAKTHROUGH PROJECT.

MM-HMM, AND IT'LL BE OUT SOON,

LADIES, SO DON'T FRET.

THAT SOUNDS COOL,

WHAT IS IT?

OH, NO, IT'S...

WE HAVEN'T MADE IT PUBLIC YET.

WHAT LANGUAGE IS IT IN?

- WHAT...

- TELL HER.

- ENGLISH.

- YEAH, ENGLISH.

SHE MEANT WHAT

PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE.

YEAH, WE KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT,

WE'RE NOT GONNA TELL YOU THAT,

OKAY?

IT'S PRIVATE.

WE'RE GONNA KEEP IT UNDER WRAPS

FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

UH, JAMES...

WHAT IS THIS?

YOU WERE LATE

FOR OUR MEETING.

- WHERE IS THE TV?

- IT'S IN THE CLOSET.

- WHAT ABOUT MY FUTON?

- DEFLATED, FOLDED NEATLY,

- AND TUCKED UNDER THE BED.

- WHAT? NO, DUDE!

I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT

MY FUTON.

AND I CAN'T CODE ANONYMOUSLY

EXCEPT FOR IN THIS ROOM,

AND I CAN'T CODE AT ALL

UNLESS THIS IS MY SANCTUARY.

OKAY, THEN WHAT

AM I SUPPOSED TO DO HERE?

I'D LIKE A TURKEY

AND SWISS ON RYE

WITH LETTUCE, TOMATO,

AND MAYONNAISE, PLEASE.

OH, AND BY THE WAY, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO DO WITH THIS.

THAT'S PERFECT RIGHT THERE,

AND I AM NOT GONNA

BE YOUR WAITER.

- DUDE.

- WAIT... OKAY, FINE!

UNLESS IT KEEPS YOU

FROM CODING, SIT DOWN.

DO YOUR THING.

UH, AND WHAT

LANGUAGE ARE WE DOING THIS IN?

ENGLISH.

NO, I MEANT LIKE

THE PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE.

- I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT.

- OH, WAS IT A JOKE?

- WAS IT FUNNY?

- NO.

DON'T TRY IT AGAIN, 'CAUSE FUNNY

STUFF DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU, OKAY?

OKAY, I'M SORRY,

I WON'T DO IT AGAIN.

DUDE, WHAT'S THE PROGRAMMING?

I NEED TO BE ABLE TO TELL PEOPLE

WHAT WE'RE DOING IN HERE.

C, JAVA, HTML,

AND RUBY.

OH, DON'T YOU DARE EVEN THINK

ABOUT GETTING SICK ON ME, OKAY?

- OKAY.

- JUST PUT THAT ON.

WHEN AM I GETTING PAID?

IN TIME FOR YOU

TO ENROLL AT M.I.T.

THE DEADLINE

IS FEBRUARY FIRST.

I GUESS

YOU BETTER GET STARTED.

ALL RIGHT GUYS, SO, UH,

I THINK IT'S TIME

FOR A LITTLE POP QUIZ

JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE CAUGHT

UP IN ALL YOUR READING.

HEY, UH, TEACH. YEAH,

I'D LIKE TO BE EXEMPT

- FROM SAID POP QUIZ.

- ON WHAT GROUNDS?

ON THE GROUNDS THAT

I'M DEVELOPING A REAL APP

THAT NEEDS MY TIME.

I MEAN, I THINK THAT YOU'D FIND

THAT IT MORE THAN FULFILLS

THE COURSE REQUIREMENTS.

COME OVER HERE, LANCE.

COME ON, I WON'T BITE YA,

COME ON.

I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST

SHARE WITH THE CLASS

DETAILS ABOUT YOUR PROJECT,

HM?

- YOU KNOW, I WOULD...

- OH.

I REALLY WOULD,

BUT MY CONTRACT WITH NASA

PROHIBITS ME

FROM SAYING ANYTHING.

GOSH, YOU KNOW,

I'M REALLY GOOD FRIENDS

WITH THE DIRECTOR OF NASA.

- ARE YOU?

- MM-HMM.

OH, YEAH! WELL, WE'RE WORKING

WITH, UH, DNA. YEAH.

YOU'RE WORKING ON DNA?

NO, NO, NO. WE'RE WORKING

ON A CODING PROJECT.

OH, SO SIGNED A NON DISCLOSURE

AGREEMENT, AN NDA.

YEAH, AN NDA,

A NON DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT.

- RIGHT.

- A STANDARD ONE TOO.

- OH, A STANDARD.

- I APOLOGIZE FOR THEM.

A STANDARD ONE, OKAY, GREAT.

YEAH, SO THAT MEANS,

YOU KNOW,

IF WE WERE EVER

TO SAY ANYTHING,

WE WOULD BE...

DEAD, KILLED IN OUR SLEEP.

- AND WHO WOULD WANT THAT?

- NOT ME.

ALL RIGHT,

BUT, YOU KNOW,

I THINK YOU CAN SHARE

WITH THE CLASS

WHAT LANGUAGE

YOU'RE WORKING IN.

- OH...

- WOULD THAT BE ENGLISH, LANCE?

- OH, YEAH?

- WOULD THAT BE ENGLISH, LANCE?

NAH, NO. THAT WOULD NOT

BE ENGLISH.

ACTUALLY, WE'RE WORKING IN C,

JAVA, HTML, AND RUBY, SO...

DOES THIS

PROJECT HAVE A NAME?

DOES THIS PROJECT

HAVE A NAME,

YES, IT HAS A NAME.

IT'S CALLED "JUNGLE."

ALL RIGHT, LANCE,

I'LL EXPECT A SUMMARY

WITH ALL PROPRIETARY

INFORMATION REDACTED, OF COURSE,

UH, BY THE NEXT CLASS,

AND IF I APPROVE,

THEN, FINE, YOU CAN MISS OUT

ON A FEW QUIZZES.

- THANK YOU.

- OKAY, AS FOR THE REST OF YOU,

YOU WILL FIND THE QUIZ

IF YOU PRESS ENTER.

HONEY, IT'S THIS BUTTON.

OKAY.

GOOD BOY.

...JAVA, HTML, RUBY,

C, JAVA, HTML...

HOW'S IT GOING?

THE ARCHITECTURE'S

STARTING TO FLOW.

BY THE WAY, YOU GOTTA COME UP

WITH, UM,

A FULL SUMMARY

OF THE PROJECT

FOR PROFESSOR BARNES.

I GOTTA GIVE HER ONE.

OKAY, I'LL WORK

ON THAT TOMORROW.

HEY, HEY! COULD YOU

HOLD IT DOWN?

PLEASE, I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER

ALL THESE TERMS.

I THINK I'M GETTING SICK.

I'M GOING TO BED NOW.

ALL RIGHT, BUT JUST,

YOU KNOW, MAKE SURE YOU GET

RIGHT BACK TO WORK

IN THE MORNING.

HOY! COME ON,

TIME TO GET UP.

LET'S GO.

COME ON.

I CAN'T, I CAN'T.

I'VE GOT A BAD COLD.

OH, NO, NO, NO. HOW LONG

IS THAT GONNA SET US BACK?

LET'S SEE...

IF IT'S JUST A COLD,

A COUPLE DAYS.

IF IT'S A SINUS INFECTION,

IT COULD BE A COUPLE WEEKS.

WELL... OKAY, WHAT...

OKAY THEN, WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO

TO MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T TURN

INTO THE INFECTION THING?

UH, WELL, MY MOM WOULD USUALLY

MAKE ME A POT OF HOT TEA,

ALTERNATING WITH SOME

ORANGE JUICE,

WITH 6,000 GRAMS

OF VITAMIN C CRYSTALS.

OH, AND SOME CHICKEN

NOODLE SOUP, OF COURSE.

I'M NOT YOUR MOM, JAMES.

OKAY.

SHOULD LAST NO MORE

THAN A MONTH.

HEY!

LANCE! LANCE!

UH, YEAH?

UH, LISTEN, I JUST FINISHED

READING YOUR PROPOSAL.

I'M REALLY IMPRESSED.

YOU EXEMPLIFY EVERYTHING I AM

TRYING TO CULTIVATE

IN THIS CLASS.

I'M BLOWN AWAY BECAUSE AT FIRST

I THOUGHT, UGH!

BUT YOU'VE SURPRISED ME.

SO I THINK I CAN AGREE

TO YOUR TERMS.

OF COURSE, PENDING THE SUBMISSION

OF YOUR CODED PROGRAM.

OF COURSE,

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

- NICE COSTUME.

- I LIKE YOURS.

- YOU'RE A GENIUS, MAN!

- THEY ARE GOING TO BUILD A SHRINE TO MY GREATNESS!

HEY!

I'M WORKING,

COME BACK TOMORROW.

YES, YES, HE'S WORKING

ON GETTING "JUNGLE" RIGHT NOW,

I HAVE EVERYTHING

UNDER CONTROL.

OKAY.

I THINK "JUNGLE" IS OFFICIALLY

READY FOR BETA ROLL OUT.

- WHAT? REALLY?

- YEAH.

AH, DUDE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS, DUDE.

THERE COULD BE

A SLIGHT PROBLEM, THOUGH.

WHAT PROBLEM?

WHAT IS IT?

UM, I MEAN THERE'S NO LOGICAL

INCENTIVE FOR THE USERS

OF OTHER HOOK-UP APPS

TO TRANSFER OVER TO JUNGLE,

- YOU KNOW?

- I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.

YEAH. I MEAN, THERE'S GOTTA BE

A MATHEMATICAL THEOREM

TO CONVINCE THEM.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES.

MY BOY LANCE RIGHT NOW

IS GONNA BREAK IT DOWN

FOR Y'ALL RIGHT NOW.

LISTEN UP, Y'ALL.

WE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO,

IS GET OFF OF ALL OF

THE OTHER MATING APPS

AND GET ONTO JUNGLE.

MY BOY DANIEL HERE,

HE DID ALL THE MATHEMATICS,

HE'S GONNA BREAK IT DOWN

FOR YOU.

IT'S ALL HERE,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I HAVE COME UP

WITH A SIMPLISTIC

YET INTUITIVE

MATHEMATICAL FORMULA

THAT WORKS 10 OUT OF 10 TIMES,

AND IT'S QUITE EASY.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS DITCH

THE OTHER HOOK-UP APPS

AND SWITCH TO "JUNGLE"

AND THE RESULTS

WILL ASTOUND YOU,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

- THEY WILL ASTOUND YOU.

- OH!

- AND THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

- MM-HMM.

- WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME...

- NOPE.

- ...TO KNOW A GIRL'S NAME.

- NOPE.

WE DON'T THE TIME

FOR THEM TO KNOW OUR NAMES!

- WHO DOES?

- WE GOT SCHOOL!

DO YOU REALLY WANT

TO PAY FOR A MOVIE?

- NO!

- OR FLOWERS?

NO!

I'M GONNA SAY THE C-WORD,

I KNOW WE DON'T LIKE TO SAY IT,

- ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

- DON'T DO IT TO 'EM.

COMMITMENT.

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE GIRLS

IN YOUR APARTMENTS,

IN YOUR DORMS,

ON A DAILY BASIS,

LINE UP RIGHT NOW

AND GET THESE DIRECTIONS.

ORDERLY FASHION, GENTLEMEN.

THIS HAS NO AGE RESTRICTION.

GIVE IT TO YOUR FIVE-YEAR-OLD

COUSIN, IF YOU NEED TO.

OH, HAND IT TO YOUR FRIENDS,

YOUR FRIEND'S FRIEND.

I GOT ANOTHER ONE!

GIVE IT TO YOUR FRATERNITIES,

GIVE IT TO YOUR BROTHERS,

GIVE IT TO YOUR FRIENDS,

YOUR FRIENDS' FRIENDS,

YOUR COUSINS, YOUR UNCLES,

- ALL OF 'EM!

- YOU NEPHEWS, ALL OF 'EM!

'CAUSE EVERYBODY

SHOULD BE ON JUNGLE.

- WHOO!

- SPREAD THE WORD, Y'ALL.

- TELL HIM ABOUT THE TIME...

- HEY!

- WHOA.

- WE GOT A QUESTION FOR THE DUDE

THAT DEVELOPED

THE "JUNGLE" APP.

- YEAH.

- YO, SO, YOU TELLING ME THESE GIRLS,

INSTEAD OF NAMES,

THEY JUST SEND

A PHOTO OF THEMSELVES

IN THEIR UNDERWEAR?

NO EXCEPTIONS?

I MEAN, THAT'S THE PLATFORM.

- OOH!

- HEY, MAN, I JUST WANTED TO SAY,

- YOU ROCK!

- THAT'S PRETTY SWEET.

YOU ROCK, MAN.

HEY, WHAT ARE

YOU GUYS DOING?

SO FAR I'VE GOTTEN

FOUR SWIPES.

I'VE GOTTEN 19.

I'VE GOTTEN TWO,

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

LET ME SEE

YOUR PROFILE PICTURE?

IT'S OBVIOUS,

YOU NEED TO STAND OUT.

HOW DO YOU STAND OUT

IN YOUR UNDERWEAR?

WITHOUT THEM, OF COURSE.

WELL, I DIDN'T HAVE TO, BUT...

HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE, HANNAH?

ZERO.

OH, HANNAH.

DO YOU NEED US TO HELP YOU

WITH YOUR PROFILE PHOTO?

NO.

I'M NOT GONNA PLAY

WITH THAT APP.

MORE GUYS FOR US.

I JUST DON'T SEE

HOW IT BENEFITS US.

HANNAH, DO YOU WANT TO BE

ALONE FOREVER?

- NO.

- THEN YOU NEED TO GET ON BOARD

AND GET WITH THE APPS.

THAT'S WHERE THE GUYS ARE.

THAT'S TRUE.

SO, WHO HAVE YOU MET?

WELL, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED

TO CALL IT MEETING ANYONE.

BECAUSE YOU JUST HOOK-UP

WITH THEM ONE TIME.

UNLESS THE GUY HITS

A CERTAIN BUTTON

THAT BRINGS YOU BACK

A SECOND TIME.

BUT YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED

TO SAY HIS NAME.

- OR TELL HIM YOURS.

- OR ASK HIM ANY QUESTIONS.

OR THEY'LL KICK YOU OFF

THE PLATFORM,

AND YOU HAVE TO WAIT

TWO WEEKS

FOR A RE-TRAINING PERIOD.

OKAY, THAT SOUNDS VERY

LIBERATING, GIRLS,

BUT I'M GONNA GO STUDY.

I WORRY ABOUT HANNAH.

SHE JUST DOESN'T GET IT,

SHE'S SO 20TH CENTURY.

I THINK SHE'S LIKE A BORN

AGAIN CHRISTIAN OR SOMETHING.

THAT EXPLAINS IT.

THESE KIDS HAVE NO IDEA

HOW EASY THIS IS.

"JUNGLE" HAS JUST MOVED IT UP

A WHOLE 'NOTHER LEVEL.

I THINK YOU MEAN DOWN

A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

- NO.

- HEY, GUYS, GUYS,

HOW'D YOU GUYS LEARN

ABOUT "JUNGLE?"

- UH, MY DENTIST.

- MY ACCOUNTANT.

GOSH! DID YOU JUST HEAR THAT?

"JUNGLE" IS NOW OUT

OF THE CAMPUS

AND OUT INTO THE REAL WORLD,

MY FRIEND.

- OH, WHOO-HOO-HOO.

- THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

GET READY FOR SOME

MAJOR BANK.

- INSANE.

- YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY,

YOU SHOULD, HOP ON "JUNGLE"

'CAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO SWIPE YOU.

OH!

WHO'S GOT LOW SELF-ESTEEM?

THIS GUY, LET'S GO.

SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY,

LET'S SWIPE SOME TIME.

I'M SENSING DISRUPTION

FORM A NEW HOOK-UP APP

CALLED "JUNGLE."

BUT I'M NOT GONNA

WEIGH IN ON IT YET.

FIRST, I'M GONNA EVALUATE

THE AUTHENTICITY.

FAKE NEWS...

SHE CALLED ME

COMPLETELY HYSTERICAL.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY

HAD A GOOD TIME ON "JUNGLE."

THIS DOES NOT LOOK LIKE

A GOOD GUY!

YEAH, MELODY,

THIS GUY WAS A FREAK.

WELL, THE CUTE FREAKS

ARE ON THE APP, SO...

I THINK WE'RE JUST GONNA

HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.

DO YOU GUYS THINK

LANCE MADE THE APP?

YEAH, WHY NOT?

'CAUSE HE'S HORRIBLE

AT CODING.

YEAH, WELL, SOMEONE'S

HELPING HIM.

LOOK, ALL I KNOW IS,

WHOEVER MADE THIS APP

IS A HORRIBLE PERSON.

THANK YOU GUYS

FOR COME GETTING ME.

OF COURSE.

WE'RE SORRY, RACHEL.

YOU ARE A SMART AND INTELLIGENT

AND KIND AND FUNNY HUMAN BEING.

YOU NEED TO BE ON THIS APP.

- THIS IS NOT WORTH IT.

- THANK YOU.

'CAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,

FEMALE SPECIMENS!

HOW ARE YOU?

I KNOW!

WELL, HAPPY HANUKAH,

HAPPY KWANZA.

I'LL SEE YOU GUYS,

UM, AFTER... CHRISTMAS.

PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, HUH?

UH, YEAH,

I REALLY LIKED YOUR BOOK.

NO, I WAS TALKING

ABOUT "JUNGLE."

UH, YEAH.

I MEAN, LANCE IS THE MAN.

YOU KNOW?

JAMES, IS THERE SOMETHING

YOU WANT TO TELL ME?

UM.. MERRY CHRISTMAS,

PROFESSOR BARNES.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, JAMES.

SO HOW DO YOU LIKE LIVING

WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA?

GOOD.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO

ON BREAK?

SOME CODING,

MAYBE SOME STUDYING.

NO VISITING, PARTYING,

SOCIALIZING, WOMANIZING?

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED

TO BE DOING ON VACATION.

YEAH, DAD, I'LL DEFINITELY

DO SOME OF THAT.

I JUST DON'T WANT YOU

TO MISS OUT ON ANYTHING.

WELL, LOOK, I GOTTA GET

BACK TO THE OFFICE.

I'LL SEE YA

ON CHRISTMAS DAY.

GOOD.

LOOKING FORWARD TO A NICE

FAMILY CHRISTMAS, DAD.

YEAH.

I LOVE YOU, JAMES.

SO, LOOK AT THIS

NEW BLUSH I JUST GOT.

- ISN'T IT SO PRETTY?

- SO PRETTY.

- IT'S CALLED BERRY.

- SO COOL.

I KNOW, I LOVE IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

IN MY ROOM?

IT'S MY HOME OFFICE NOW.

- WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?

- MYSELF.

ANYWAY,

HOW WAS YOUR FIRST SEMESTER?

UH, INTERESTING.

DID YOU MAKE ANY FRIENDS?

I THINK I DID.

INVITED

TO ANY HOLIDAY PARTIES?

- NO.

- I THINK YOU DIDN'T.

OH, YEAH. DON'T TRY TO MOVE

BACK INTO YOUR BEDROOM.

AS YOU CAN TELL,

IT'S MY HOME OFFICE.

SO, I'M GUESSING YOU CAN

SLEEP ON THE COUCH IN THE DEN.

WHERE'S MOM?

SHE'S AT A HOLIDAY LUNCH

WITH HER FRIENDS.

DOES IT LOOK GOOD?

- IT LOOKS SO PRETTY.

- YAY!

CHECK OUT THIS LIP GLOSS,

IT HAS A LIGHT IN IT.

- SHOW OFF! CAN I BORROW?

- OF COURSE.

THANK YOU.

- I LOVE IT.

- YOU ARE SO GOOD!

YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR WORK

IN A GALLERY.

OH, WELL,

I'M WORKING ON IT.

OKAY, IT'S, UH,

JAMES' M.I.T. FUND.

GALE, ARE YOU STILL PLANNING

ON LETTING YOUR EX

BRING HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND

TO CHRISTMAS DINNER?

SURE.

WELL, I'M LETTING MY EX

COME TO CHRISTMAS DINNER.

- YEAH, BUT NOT WITH GIRLFRIEND.

- NO.

WAIT, IS JUSTIN SEEING

SOMEONE ALREADY?

ALREADY? IT'S BEEN 10 MONTHS

SINCE LEAH'S DIVORCE.

HE'S PROBABLY HAD LIKE

FIVE GIRLFRIENDS.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I WANT TO KNOW NOTHING

ABOUT HIS DATING HISTORY.

OH, THAT'S JUST BECAUSE OF THE

RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU.

OH, OKAY, IT WAS NOT

A RESTRAINING ORDER,

IT WAS A...

A COUNSELOR'S EVALUATION.

A COUNSELOR'S EVALUATION

TO STOP BREAKING INTO

JUSTIN'S NEW APARTMENT.

I WANT MY CHINA BACK.

WE NEED TO BE A LITTLE BIT

MORE SUPPORTIVE

AND GIVE HER SOME CREDIT.

SHE HASN'T BROKEN INTO

JUSTIN'S APARTMENT SINCE

SHE STARTED THE MEDICATION.

I JUST CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE

JUSTIN WITH A GIRLFRIEND.

JUST SAYING THE WORDS,

"JUSTIN'S GIRLFRIEND," BLEGH.

I THINK IT'S GOOD THAT WE HAVE

THE EXES AT THE HOLIDAY DINNER.

I MEAN, WE'RE ALL STILL

A FAMILY.

BUT YOU'RE DIVORCED.

YOU'RE NOT A FAMILY ANYMORE.

- YES WE ARE.

- I MEAN, TECHNICALLY WE'RE FAMILY, RIGHT?

AT LEAST, THE KIDS,

AND I DO LIVE WITH HIS PARENTS.

WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE

IT'S TIME THAT YOU

FIND SOMEBODY NEW

AND MOVE ON.

GUYS THAT ARE SINGLE

ARE EITHER TOO YOUNG OR TOO OLD.

OKAY, SO WHERE ARE

THE AGE-APPROPRIATE MEN

IN THEIR 40S AND 50S?

THEY HAVEN'T HAD

THEIR DIVORCES YET.

I HAVE FOUND A NEW WAY

TO MEET PEOPLE.

OOH, SHARE.

IT'S CALLED "JUNGLE."

I'VE HEARD OF "JUNGLE."

YEAH, MY HAIRDRESSER

WAS TELLING ME ALL ABOUT IT.

SHE SAYS THAT'S WHERE

ALL THE GUYS ARE.

YEAH, BUT I HEAR THERE

ARE, LIKE, WEIRD CONDITIONS.

YEAH, AND THE CONDITIONS

ONLY POP UP ON YOUR PHONE

IN TINY PRINT WHEN YOU'RE

ON YOUR WAY TO YOUR DATE.

UH-UH, NOT A DATE.

BUT THEY SHOW UP

WHEN IT'S TOO LATE.

YOU KNOW, A REAL PIECE OF WORK

MUST HAVE MADE THAT "JUNGLE."

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK YOU SHOULD GO FOR IT.

YOU DESERVE TO MEET

SOMEBODY ELSE.

- YEAH.

- TO "JUNGLE."

TO "JUNGLE."

...TO EVERYONE,

FOR CHRISTMAS.

I THINK I HEAR DAD.

OH, I'LL GET HIS GIFT.

HEY, HEY, HEY!

THERE SHE IS!

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU, TOO.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS!

- SHE'S KINDA YOUNG.

OH, SWEET JESUS.

OH, ASHLEY,

THIS IS TIFFANY.

IS THERE A POWDER ROOM

I CAN USE?

I JUST WANNA CHECK MY FACE

- BEFORE I...

- OH, YEAH, SURE, SURE, SURE.

IT'S RIGHT DOWN THE HALL

OVER THERE TO THE RIGHT.

- UM, DAD?

- OH, YEAH.

I DON'T THINK IS MOM

IS GONNA BE OKAY WITH... THAT.

OH, COME ON,

SHE'LL BE FINE.

LISTEN, YOUR MOTHER AND I

ARE THE BEST OF FRIENDS.

MOM AND I

HAD A COOL DIVORCE.

- OKAY.

- HELLO, HELLO.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- HI!

- HERE.

- OH, THANK YOU.

YOU CAN OPEN IT

NOW OR LATER.

HEY, THANKS FOR COMING.

IT MEANS A LOT TO THE KIDS,

AND TO YOUR PARENTS.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU FOR THIS,

UH, WE GOT SOMETHING

FOR YOU TOO.

OOH.

YEAH, OKAY.

LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT SETTLED IN

TO MY PARENTS HOUSE HERE.

WE HAD TO SETTLE SOMEWHERE

AFTER YOU BLEW THROUGH

YOUR INHERITANCE

AND FORECLOSED

ON OUR HOUSE.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

IT'S IN THE PAST.

YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST

HAVE A LOVELY HOLIDAY.

I AM FOR THAT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

UH. THIS IS SPECIAL CHOCOLATE

FROM SWEDEN.

SWITZERLAND.

UM, ARE YOU

ASHLEY'S FRIEND?

- NO, I'M...

- NO, NO, THIS IS TIFFANY.

- UH, SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.

- HE FOUND ME ON "JUNGLE."

I THINK I'LL GO KISS

MY MOTHER NOW.

HI.

THE DRESS IS A LITTLE HIGHER

THAN IN YOUR DAY

AND MY DAY.

- I DON'T MIND IT.

- OH, MY GOD.

I MEAN, I'M NOT SAYING THAT

IT'S PROPER IN OUR DAY,

BUT IT'S PROPER

IN THEIR DAY.

WHAT IS HE THINKING?

I, UM...

I DIDN'T KNOW JUSTIN

HAD A GIRLFRIEND.

WE'RE KEEPING IT

UNDER THE RADAR

SINCE

YOUR LAST BREAK-IN, BUT...

...NOW THAT I'M MOVING IN,

- IT'S KIND OF PUBLIC.

- MOVING IN?

YEAH! AND I WOULD LIKE

TO COMPLIMENT YOU

- ON YOUR TASTE IN CHINA.

- MY CHINA.

MM-HMM. THE PLATE SETTINGS THAT

JUSTIN HAS AT HIS APARTMENT.

YEAH, YEAH, THE LENNOX

WITH THE LITTLE PINK FLOWERS.

AND DON'T WORRY,

I ONLY BROKE ONE DINNER PLATE,

BUT I'M GONNA BE SUPER CAREFUL

FROM NOW ON.

THAT'S THE CHINA MY GRANDMOTHER

GOT US ON OUR WEDDING DAY.

WELL, I THINK

SHE'S VERY ATTRACTIVE.

SHE'S LIKE 12 YEARS OLD,

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

YEAH, IT'S PERFECT. I'M GONNA

DECORATE THE WHOLE APARTMENT

AROUND THE COLOR SCHEME,

SO, THANK YOU!

YOU'RE WELCOME,

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I MEAN, YOU'RE NAKED,

BUT...

...YOU'RE WELCOME.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- NICE TO MEET YOU, TIFFANY.

- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

ARE YOU ONE OF

ASHLEY'S FRIENDS?

- OH, NO.

- NO, MOM, THAT'S MY TIFFANY.

EVERYONE KEEPS

ASKING ME THAT.

CAN I GET ANYBODY A DRINK?

WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?

MAYBE SOME, LIKE...

CHOCOLATE MILK.

UM, YOU GUYS GOING

TO A CLUB AFTER DINNER?

I HOPE SO.

I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE

TO THE ROOM, JAMES.

UM, AREN'T YOU TAKING

ANY TIME OFF FOR CHRISTMAS?

I'M TRYING TO CATCH UP

ON SOME WORK.

ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN.

CAN WHAT?

WELL, I DON'T THINK

YOU CAN CATCH UP

WITH WHATEVER

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR

WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING

AT A COMPUTER

AND A PHONE ALL DAY.

WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR?

WELL,

I'M NOT SURE,

BUT I AM SURE THAT YOU

HAVE TO FACE PEOPLE

FACE TO FACE

TO FIND IT.

COME ON.

NAH-AH-AH.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS, JAMES.

I HAVE A FAVOR TO ASK.

I WANT YOU TO HELP ME

FACE THE FAMILY.

LET'S GO DOWN THERE

AND YOU TELL AUNT GILDA

THAT YOU CAN'T SEE THAT SHE

HAD ANY BAD PLASTIC SURGERY.

THE RUMOR IS

A DEER SHOT HER.

SWEETHEART,

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE A TOAST?

A SHORT ONE,

A SHORT TOAST.

OKAY, UM...

A TOAST.

I'VE... WHILE WE'RE TOGETHER

I'D LIKE TO HAVE A DINNER,

THAT REALLY MEANS A LOT MORE

THAN JUST EATING.

THESE TWO PEOPLE,

JACK AND KAREN

HAVE BEEN, REALLY, MY EXAMPLE

THAT I'VE LIVED BY.

THEY'VE GONE THROUGH

SO MUCH TOGETHER,

AND THE IDEA THAT YOU'RE HERE

AND THAT WE'RE STILL TOGETHER,

IT'S THOSE THINGS THAT REALLY

MEAN SOMETHING IN OUR LIFE,

THAT LASTS, THAT NOT THE THINGS

THAT ARE MOMENTARY.

I'VE KNOWN MANY,

I'VE LIKED A FEW,

LOVED ONE,

AND HERE'S TO YOU.

- AWW.

- AWW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,

SWEETHEART.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,

EVERYONE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

AWW, MERRY CHRISTMAS...

AWW, THANK YOU.

- THAT WAS SWEET, DAD.

- THAT WAS SO SWEET.

LET'S UH, EMBARGO THE PHONES

FOR DINNER, HUH?

SO, EVERYBODY

JUST GIVE ME YOUR PHONE.

I'LL TAKE YOUR PHONE.

THAT'S A GREAT PICTURE.

UH, THIS...

GIMME...

JAMES, JAMES...

I NEED YOUR PHONE,

WE'RE EMBARGOING THE PHONES.

PLEASE ASHLEY,

YOU CAN TALK LATER.

UM, YOU'D ONLY TEXT ANYWAY.

UH, BILLY...

PUT IT UP.

NOT BAD, NOT BAD.

I CAN'T SEE MY FACE.

I CAN'T SEE MY FACE.

HOW DO I...

HEY, MOM! CAN I...

MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M...

I'M TAKING A PICTURE,

BUT ARMS

AREN'T LONG ENOUGH,

SO I NEED YOU

TO TAKE IT FOR ME.

UM, WHAT IS IT FOR?

OH, DON'T TAKE THAT,

TAKE THAT.

IT'S FOR MY COLLECTION.

OKAY, I'M NOT DOING IT UNLESS

YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

- I AM SCARED.

- DON'T BE SCARED,

THERE'S NO NEED

TO BE AFRAID,

IT'S ALL GOOD IN THE HOOD.

IT'S JUST A PICTURE.

READY?

READY?

ONE, TWO, THREE, WINE.

OKAY, LET ME SEE.

IT'S GOOD.

CAN YOU PHOTOSHOP OUT

ABOUT FIVE POUNDS?

IS THERE AN APP FOR THAT?

MOM, THERE'S AN APP

FOR EVERYTHING.

OH, DOWNLOAD IT.

- OKAY, WE DON'T HAVE TO...

- DOWNLOADING!

WAITING FOR THE BLUE LINE.

MOM, WE DON'T HAVE TIME

FOR THAT.

- NO.

- YOU TAKE THIS.

- OKAY.

- I'LL BE TAKING THIS.

OKEY-DOKE.

GOOD NIGHT, HONEY.

GOOD NIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU MAÑANA.

I WILL SEE YOU...

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

WHAT'S UP, YOU BIG LOSERS?

NO PLANS TONIGHT?

NO, I'M STILL TIRED

FROM YESTERDAY.

I NEED A SPA VACATION

AFTER AN EVENING

TALKING TO AUNT GILDA.

I'M STILL STUDYING

FOR NEXT SEMESTER.

ONLY A PSYCHO DOES THE WORK

A SEMESTER AHEAD OF TIME.

MOM, ARE YOU GOING OUT

WITH YOUR FRIENDS?

- UM, A NEW FRIEND.

- WHO?

I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME,

BUT WE'RE MEETING AT A CAFE.

UH, WHERE DID YOU

MEET HIM?

WELL, WE HAVEN'T

ACTUALLY MET.

I DON'T THINK

I CAN SAY MEET.

I'M SORRY, THERE'S A LOT

OF FUNNY CONDITIONS.

CONDITIONS TO WHAT?

TO WHAT I CAN SAY.

ALL I KNOW IS HE REALLY LIKED

MY PHOTO PROFILE.

OKAY, WHAT PHOTO?

MOM! NO!

IT'S OKAY, HONEY, REALLY,

EVERYONE IS DOING IT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

I JUST SAID THAT OUT LOUD.

OKAY, MOM,

I DO NOT APPROVE.

OKAY, WELL, IT IS NOT FOR YOU

TO APPROVE OR DISAPPROVE,

ALL RIGHT? I'M GOING

AND I WILL BE BACK LATER.

OKAY, WELL AT LEAST TELL ME

WHERE YOU MET THIS GUY

SO I CAN DO SOME RESEARCH.

FINE, IT'S CALLED "JUNGLE,"

OKAY?

LOVE YOU BOTH!

BYE!

WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING

FOLLOWING MOM ON HER DATE?

IT'S NOT A DATE.

YOU CAN TRUST ME ON THAT.

I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL THAT

YOUR MOTHER'S SEEING PEOPLE.

SHE NEEDS

TO GET OUT MORE.

I JUST FLORENCE.

I WANT TO MOVE THERE

AND JUST IMMERSE MYSELF

IN THE CULTURE AND THE ART,

JUST THE SHAPES

AND THE COLOR.

ALL RIGHT, SO WE BOTH

LOVE ITALY.

YOU LOVE ITALY, TOO?

YEAH, YEAH, I CAN EAT

PIZZA ALL DAY LONG.

LISTEN, I THINK WE KNOW

EACH OTHER WELL ENOUGH,

LET'S GO.

ARE WE GOING TO EAT PIZZA?

NO, I'VE INVESTED MORE TIME

THAN I WAS PLANNING,

I'M NOT GONNA SPEND

MONEY ON YOU.

I CAN BUY PIZZA.

APARTMENT 754,

JUST FOLLOW ME, OKAY?

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- THAT'S AGAINST THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS.

ARE YOU COMING?

- NO, NO, I'M NOT.

- I GOTTA GO.

MY NEXT APPOINTMENT'S

WAITING FOR ME.

BUT LISTEN, DON'T PLAY

SO HARD TO GET, LADY!

- YOU OKAY?

- NO, IT WAS AWFUL, I WANT TO GO HOME.

NO, NO, NO, LEAH,

DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP.

- I WANT TO GO HOME.

- YOU JUST HAVEN'T MET THE RIGHT ONE YET, OKAY?

HE'S OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.

HERE, GIVE ME THIS.

GIVE ME THIS, LET'S SEE.

OOH, YOU GOT SOME

NEW SWIPES.

- THAT'S A GOOD SIGN, HONEY.

- NO, NO.

OKAY, LET'S SEE, LET'S LOOK

AT THESE OPTION...

OH! SIGH, INTERESTING.

OH, MY EX-HUSBAND, OKAY.

- OH, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

- OH, HE'S CUTE.

- YEAH!

- GUYS, THAT'S JUSTIN'S COUSIN, BILL.

YOUR MOTHER'S

LEAVING THE CAFE.

- SHE'S ALONE. BAD SIGN.

- GOOD SIGN.

- OUR WORK IS DONE.

- IT'S JUST BEGUN.

CAN WE TAKE THEM HOME NOW

SO WE CAN GO OUT?

OUT?

IT'S 1:00 AM.

THAT'S WHEN THE CLUBS OPEN.

JAMES.

JAMES.

JAMES.

HONEY, GO TO BED.

- WHERE'D YOU GO?

- OUT.

NO, I MEAN,

AFTER THE CAFE.

YOU LEFT THE CAFE

HOURS AGO.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS

AND WHAT TIME I LEFT?

NEW APP.

OH.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

- ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT MEETING PEOPLE?

OH, WELL...

I GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO WRAP

MY HEAD AROUND HOW THINGS ARE,

AND, UM...

I DON'T KNOW,

GET USED TO IT.

I LOVE YOU, JAMES.

GOOD NIGHT.

- WHAT DID YOU DO?

- GET OUT OF MY ROOM.

IT'S MY ROOM NOW.

IF YOU COME IN THIS ROOM

AGAIN WHILE I'M HOME

OR WHILE I'M AWAY,

I'LL SEND OUT A MESSAGE

AND IT'LL GO VIRAL

THAT YOU HAVE AN STD.

OKAY, WELL,

THAT'S A LIE.

- I HAVEN'T EVEN...

- EVEN BETTER, A VIRGIN.

ABSTINENCE IS FAR WORSE

STIGMA IN PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL.

NOTHING WILL RUIN

YOUR SOCIAL STANDING FASTER.

WHO DO YOU THINK

YOUR REAL PARENTS ARE?

BECAUSE I CAN'T

SEEM TO FIGURE IT OUT.

I SEE NOW THAT I'M A SOLDIER

STANDING IN A BATTLEFIELD

ENGAGED IN A WAR FAR WORSE

THAN ANY 18-YEAR-OLD

COULD EVEN FATHOM.

OKAY, STOP THE SOLILOQUY,

I GET IT!

YOU WANT

YOUR ROOM BACK, FINE!

BUT YOU'RE GONNA TURN

INTO A CYBORG.

YOUR HAND AND THE KEYBOARD

ARE GOING TO FUSE

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE

MORE EMBARRASSING

THAN YOU ALREADY ARE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I MEAN, NOT THAT I CARE,

BUT IN CASE MOM ASKS.

I HAVE SOME RESEARCH TO DO.

OKAY, UM, I'LL TELL HER

YOU WENT TO THE MALL,

JUST TO GIVE HER A LITTLE HOPE

YOU'RE WITHIN THE BELL CURVE.

I'M NOT GETTING PERSONAL,

BUT YOU KNOW I LIKE

TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

JAMES!

HI, SWEETHEART.

- HEY.

- HI, GRANDMA.

YOU ALL KNOW JAMES,

HE'S HOME FOR HOLIDAY BREAK.

HI, JAMES.

JAMES IS DOING RESEARCH

ON RELATIONSHIPS,

AND HE WOULD TO HAVE

OUR INPUT.

UM, YEAH, SO I HAVE SOME

QUESTIONNAIRES HERE

THAT I'M JUST GONNA PASS OUT

REALLY QUICK.

- YEAH.

- OKAY, THANK YOU.

SO, THESE QUESTIONS

I'VE PREPARED ARE BASED ON

THE MORAYS OF THE '50S

AND '60S,

SO, THEY'RE PRETTY

SELF-EXPLANATORY.

OKAY, COME ON, LET'S SIT DOWN,

SWEETHEART.

LET'S SEE WHAT

JAMES IS RESEARCHING.

"HOW OLD WERE YOU WERE YOU

WHEN YOU FIRST HAD SEX?"

OKAY.

LET ME THINK, UM...

18.

"HOW MANY PEOPLE DID YOU SLEEP

WITH BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED?"

OH.

THIS IS AWFULLY

PERSONAL, JAMES.

GRANDPA,

I REALLY NEED TO KNOW.

YEAH, ME TOO.

WELL...

NONE.

YOUR GRANDMOTHER WAS

MY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART,

MY FIRST...

MY LAST...

MY ONLY.

- AWW.

- AWW.

"DID YOU PERSONALLY KNOW

ANY GIRLS THAT GOT PREGNANT

IN HIGH SCHOOL?"

ONLY ONE.

AH HERE'S ONE,

"WHAT MADE A GIRL ATTRACTIVE?"

WELL, THAT'S EASY.

BIG, UH... EYES.

YOU CHICKEN!

I'M A ROMANTIC,

I LOVE BIG EYES,

THEY'RE THE WINDOWS

OF THE SOUL.

WELL,

I LOVE THESE APPETIZERS.

THANK YOU,

THANKS, JOHN.

PUT THAT ON MY LIST OF WHAT

MAKES A GIRL ATTRACTIVE.

MY TURN!

"DID MEN EXPECT WOMEN TO SLEEP

WITH THEM ON THE FIRST DATE?"

WHEN YOU'RE ENGAGED,

IT'S KIND OF EXPECTED.

KAREN, IT WASN'T EXPECTED

IN OUR DAY.

YOU WERE JUST

THE TOWN SLUT.

UH, WOULD YOU BRING SOME

MORE OF THOSE POTATO CHIPS?

THEY'RE JUST GREAT.

SO, ARE YOU SAYING

IT WASN'T A CUSTOMARY THING

FOR A GIRL TO BE

PROMISCUOUS?

NO, NO, NO, IT WASN'T CUSTOMARY

FOR WOMEN TO BE PROMISCUOUS,

I MEAN, YEAH, YOU KIDS

REALLY HAVE IT MADE TODAY.

JOHN! IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT SEX,

YOU KNOW.

SORRY, SWEETHEART.

"HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN A MAN

LEAVES YOU RIGHT AFTER SEX?"

- ARE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE?

- NO.

I WANNA KNOW WHERE

YOU'RE GOING.

NOWHERE!

UH, JAMES, LET'S YOU AND I

HAVE A LITTLE TALK.

COME OVER HERE JUST A SECOND.

LEAVE THE COMPUTER.

WELL, UM, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME

MORE LAYS POTATO CHIPS, CAROLYN?

JAMES, WHAT'S WITH

ALL THESE QUESTIONS?

I'M JUST DOING

SOME RESEARCH.

MY SEX LIFE IS INTEGRAL

TO THIS PROCESS?

I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

RELATIONSHIPS.

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD

HAVE ONE

WITH A WHOLE HUMAN BEING.

THAT'S WHAT

I'M TRYING TO DO.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW

ANOTHER APP IS THE ANSWER.

I WASN'T PLANNING ON

MAKING ANOTHER APP, BUT...

WHAT OTHER APP?

I DON'T MY SEX LIFE

ON SNACK-CHAT,

OR ONE OF THOSE...

WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?

WHY WOULD I WANT

GRANDMOTHER ON SNACK-CHAT?

- OH.

- I HAVE AN IDEA.

OH, NO. OH, NO.

HEY, HONEY!

WHAT WERE YOU AND GRANDPA

TALKING ABOUT?

OH, I GET IT,

BOY'S CLUB STUFF.

OKAY, WELL, THERE IS CHILI

IN THE KITCHEN

IF YOU'RE HUNGRY.

- ARE YOU EATING?

- NO, I'M GOING OUT.

- WHERE?

- UM, I DON'T KNOW,

I'M WAITING FOR A SWIPE.

MOM, I NEED TO TELL YOU

SOMETHING.

OH! I GOT A SWIPE!

NO, MOM,

DON'T TOUCH YOUR PHONE,

DON'T GO OUT TONIGHT,

OKAY?

HONEY, YOU'RE GOING BACK

TO SCHOOL,

I HAVE TO MEET PEOPLE,

I...

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

ANYWAYS, SHE'S CRAZY.

HEY, BUT BACK TO WHAT

I WAS SAYING,

WE ARE PLANNING TO RELEASE

A FULL BLOWN...

PUN INTENDED...

VERSION OF THE APP

IN THE SPRING, OKAY?

AND WE ARE ACTUALLY EXPECTED

TO BE VALUED AT AROUND,

I DON'T KNOW,

$250,000,000.

WHOO, AND THAT IS WHEN WE'RE

GONNA TAKE IT PUBLIC,

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN.

YOU MAY WANT TO CALL

AN EXTERMINATOR FIRST, DUDE.

THE APP HAS SOME BUGS

NO, NO, THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE,

ACTUALLY.

NO, MM-MM.

THE APP IS DOWN, MAN,

CHECK IT OUT.

HEY, JAMES!

CAN YOU COME SEE

IF YOU CAN FIX THIS?

FIX WHAT?

MY PHONE ISN'T WORKING.

I WAS ABOUT TO GET

THE ADDRESS OF WHERE

I WAS GONNA MEET UP

AND THEN IT JUST... IT'S GONE.

UH...

...ACTUALLY, NO,

NO, THE APP IS NOT DOWN.

WE'RE JUST WORKING ON AN

UPDATE, SOME BACK-END SHIT.

IT'LL BE UP REAL SOON.

A COUPLE OF DAYS AT THE MOST.

PROGRAM MUST BE DOWN.

WELL, I'LL JUST GO ON

ONE OF THE OTHER APPS, RIGHT?

I'LL JUST USE SOME OF

THE OTHER APPS.

THE OTHER APPS.

YEAH, EXCEPT THEY'RE DOWN TOO.

WHAT'S WRONG.

- THE APP.

- THE APP'S NOT WORKING.

- NO.

- IT'S NOT?

NO, IS YOURS?

HEY, UH, DID ANY OF OUR GUYS

TAKE DOWN

ALL THE HOOK-UP APPS,

BY CHANCE?

MY PLANS FOR THE NIGHT

TOTALLY RUINED.

THAT WOULD BE

SOME SERIOUS DISRUPTION.

JAMES, HONEY,

IT IS THE DARNDEST THING.

LIKE, I TOUCH IT,

AND IT DOES NOTHING.

IT JUST DOES NOTHING.

COULD YOU PLEASE FIX THIS?

MOM, I'M FIXING IT,

TRUST ME, OKAY?

I'M FIXING EVERYTHING.

CALL JAMES RIGHT NOW!

PRONTO!

YEAH, I WILL!

I NEED YOU TO STOP STRESSING.

- WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

- I'M SORRY.

EVERYTHING IS FINE,

YOU CAN RELAX.

DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THIS?

YEAH. I'M CALLING HIM.

JAMES...

MOM, UH...

LOOK, I JUST WANT

TO LET YOU KNOW

THAT I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING

FOR ME AND ASHLEY.

TRYING TO BE FRIENDS

WITH DAD

SO THAT WE DON'T FEEL LIKE

WE'VE LOST OUR FAMILY,

BUT I JUST WANT TO LET

YOU KNOW THAT IT'S OKAY

IF YOU WANT TO BE MAD AT HIM,

AND IT'S OKAY IF YOU WANT

TO START A NEW LIFE.

NOTHING'LL CHANGE BETWEEN US.

THANKS, GUYS.

I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT.

OH! WAIT!

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW

I'M MOVING BACK IN

- TO YOUR BEDROOM.

- VIRGIN.

OCD. BUT I MIGHT MISS YOU

A LITTLE.

HERE IT IS.

IT'S TEA.

VERY SPECIAL CHINESE

HERBAL TEA.

IT WILL HELP YOU RELAX,

AND IT'LL HELP YOU GET

A GREAT NIGHT'S SLEEP.

TAKE IT.

BUT DON'T TAKE TOO MUCH.

I MEAN, IT'S ALL-NATURAL,

BUT I DON'T KNOW

HOW STRONG IT IS.

BYE, SWEETIE.

WHO'S CALLING YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

MUST BE IMPORTANT,

IT'S RINGING NON-STOP.

UH, YEAH.

YEAH, IT IS.

- YO!

- HEY!

"JUNGLE" IS STILL DOWN, DUDE!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU ARE NOT GONNA GET PAID

TO GET INTO M.I.T.

UNLESS IT'S UP

IN AN HOUR.

COME ON, JAMES,

THIS IS KIND OF AN EMERGENCY.

YEAH, THE OTHER HOOK-UP APPS ARE STILL DOWN.

HEY, WE'RE GONNA

TIE YOU TO THE DESK

UNTIL YOU FIX THIS, BRO!

WELL, I CAN UNLOCK IT

WITH THIS.

HOW THE HELL DID YOU

LEARN HOW TO LOCK PICK?

MY CELLMATE TAUGHT ME.

- OH, THERE WE GO!

- WHOA-HO-HO!

CELLMATE? WHAT?

HANNAH! HANNAH!

JAMES, WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?

I'M TRYING TO RUN

FROM MY ROOMMATE

AND I NEED A PLACE TO STAY,

PLEASE.

- LANCE?

- YES.

OKAY, YOU BET

I'M HELPING YOU WITH THIS.

- FOLLOW ME.

- OKAY.

WAIT, HANNAH, HANNAH.

UM, ONE DAY I'M GONNA

DO SOMETHING

THAT'LL EARN

YOUR TRUST BACK.

JAMES, YOU DON'T HAVE

TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

- I'M OKAY WITH HELPING YOU.

- WHY?

WHY AM I OKAY

WITH HELPING YOU?

NO, WHY ARE YOU SO SHY?

IT'S OKAY.

YOU CAN TELL ME.

JAMES, I HAD A REALLY

BAD STUTTER,

AND WHEN I GET NERVOUS

AND I TRY TO TALK

IN FRONT OF A LOT OF PEOPLE

SOMETIMES IT COMES BACK,

AND I DON'T KNOW

HOW TO STOP IT.

IS THAT WHY YOU DON'T

TALK MUCH IN CLASS

EVEN THOUGH

YOU KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS?

YEAH.

- HI.

- HI.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO

DOING TOGETHER?

OKAY, LOOK, JAMES NEEDS

A PLACE TO HIDE.

ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS,

HOPEFULLY.

MAYBE HE CAN HELP US STUDY?

HAVE A BETTER IDEA,

IF YOU MAKE US AN APP,

LIKE, "JUNGLE FOR GIRLS"

I JUST MIGHT LET YOU

STAY HERE.

IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

"JUNGLE" REALLY

MESSED ME UP.

GUYS, WE KNOW THAT LANCE

MADE "JUNGLE"

AND WE'RE GONNA MAKE HIM

REGRET IT.

YES, AND I'M KIND OF

RETIRING FROM APPS FOR NOW.

OKAY, SO THE ANSWER IS NO.

I MEAN, RIGHT AFTER

I MAKE YOUR APP.

I THOUGHT HE WAS FIXING

"JUNGLE."

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID

HE WAS DOING, MAN.

WHERE IS HE, LANCE?

THIS IS KIND OF AN EMERGENCY.

YEAH, THE OTHER HOOK-UP APPS

ARE STILL DOWN.

OH, THIS IS BAD,

THIS IS REALLY BAD.

SHOULD WE CALL 9-1-1?

THIS IS COMPLICATED SHIT.

HOLY CRAP!

- ARE YOU GONNA EAT THAT?

- YEAH.

WELL, THERE'S MOLD ON IT

SO BE CAREFUL, BUD.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M JUST THINKING

OF MAYBE WE DO SOME WAY

TO ORGANIZE

ALL OF THIS INFORMATION.

- MAYBE REBUILD, OR...

- YOU'RE GONNA REBUILD THE APP?

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I'LL HIRE

SOMEONE TO DO IT, MAN. YEAH.

COME ON, MAN!

IT'S MY CONCEPT,

THIS IS FREAKING APP,

IT'S JUST...

ALL RIGHT, LADIES, SO JAMES

IS HERE BECAUSE HE HAS AGREED

TO CREATE A RELATIONSHIP APP

FOR YOU GUYS, SO...

OKAY.

OKAY. UM...

GIRLS, HOW YOU DOING?

ARE YOU HAPPY?

I MEAN,

I LIKED MY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

I MEAN, ARE YOU SATISFIED

WITH LIFE?

I HAVE TO STUDY FOR A TEST.

SORRY.

HOW'S YOUR LOVE LIFE?

BY LOVE, I MEAN LOVE.

NOT SEX.

HONESTLY?

NOT TOO GOOD.

MINE'S GREAT.

I'M NEVER LONELY.

INVITED OUT EVERY NIGHT.

HE SAID LOVE, NOT SEX.

ZIP IT, HOOK.

DO YOU FEEL LIKE GUYS ARE USING

YOU AS JUST A PIECE OF MEAT?

- THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.

- ARE YOU A PSYCH MAJOR?

DO YOU WANT A GUY TO PURSUE YOU FOR

MORE THAN JUST A SWIPE OF HIS FINGER?

YEAH.

ARE YOU SELLING SOME

SPECIAL MAKEUP OR SOMETHING?

OR UNDERWEAR?

NO, I'M NOT SELLING A SPECIAL

KIND OF MAKEUP OR UNDERWEAR.

I'M TRYING

TO TURN THINGS AROUND.

GIRLS, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU

GET YOUR POWER BACK.

WHAT KIND OF POWER

IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW,

BUT MAYBE HE'S ONTO SOMETHING.

LOOK, MY SPECIALTY

IS ALGORITHMS.

NOW, I KNOW THAT MAY NOT

SOUND LIKE MUCH,

BUT IN FACT ALGORITHMS

AND BIOLOGY WORK HAND IN HAND.

I HAVE THIS APP

AND I'D LIKE TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

I KNEW HE WAS

SELLING SOMETHING.

NO, I'M NOT SELLING ANYTHING.

I'M HERE TO GIVE, NOT SELL.

- SO WHAT'S THE CATCH?

- THE CATCH IS...

THAT IF I GIVE THIS APP TO YOU

AND EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW IT WORKS,

THEN IT'S UP TO YOU

TO LET IT WORK.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

SEE, IT MEANS THAT

WHEN YOU'RE DATING A GUY...

SWEETHEART,

LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

NONE OF US

HAVE BEEN ON A DATE.

- WELL, SINCE WHEN?

- SINCE EVER.

NONE OF YOU?

GUYS NOWADAYS

DON'T DATE YOU.

- THEY JUST SLEEP WITH YOU.

- THEN LET'S CHANGE THAT.

- HOW?

- WITH MY APP

AND WITH YOUR COOPERATION.

AND THE COOPERATION

OF YOUR SISTERS

ON EVERY COLLEGE CAMPUS.

HANNAH? WHAT DO YOU THINK

OF THE IDEA?

DO YOU LIKE IT?

HONESTLY, NO, I DON'T.

I DON'T THINK THAT AN APP IS THE

PROPER SOLUTION FOR RELATIONSHIPS.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I WAS JUST

BORN IN THE WRONG CENTURY.

I AGREE.

NO WONDER YOU HAVE

NO CLUE WHAT'S GOING ON.

OH, THERE HE IS.

- HEY, GUYS.

- WHERE YOU BEEN, MAN?

UH, MEETING.

HEY, YOU'RE GROUNDED

UNTIL "JUNGLE" IS FIXED

- WHAT?

- YEP.

I'M TRYING TO GET IT BACK UP,

GUYS.

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

WHILE YOU'RE HAVING A HARD TIME,

I'M GETTING DEATH THREATS

FOR TAKING DOWN

THE HOOKUP APPS.

PEOPLE THINK I DID IT

AS A PUBLICITY STUNT.

THEY THINK

THAT HE BUILT THE APP

'CAUSE HE DIDN'T.

THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY.

THEY THINK

THAT I BUILT "JUNGLE."

THEY THINK THAT

I CAN TAKE DOWN THE HOOKUP APPS.

YEAH, YOU DIDN'T BUILD

"JUNGLE," THOUGH.

NO, I CREATED IT.

IT WAS MY IDEA.

SHH.

JAMES, YOU NEED TO GET "JUNGLE"

BACK UP RIGHT NOW.

OUR LIVES ARE ON THE LINE

RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

AND ANOTHER THING.

DON'T JUDGE ME.

I'M STRESS EATING.

IT'S A REAL DISORDER.

GOOGLE IT.

OKAY, CALM DOWN.

WE'RE JUST GONNA

TAKE A CHILL PILL.

GUYS, IF YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS,

I'M GONNA NEED MY ROOM BACK.

NO, WE ARE GOING

TO SIT RIGHT HERE

AND WATCH YOU

UNTIL YOU GET THIS DONE.

OKAY, IF YOU WANNA GET PAID

FOR M.I.T.,

THEN YOU BETTER GET THIS THING

BACK UP AND RUNNING, STAT.

NO, I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS.

YOU'RE GONNA SIT RIGHT THERE

AND YOU'RE GONNA WORK.

RIGHT NOW.

GO AHEAD.

VAMOS. OH, NO,

I'LL TAKE THAT.

ALL RIGHT,

GET TO WORK.

NO, STOP IT.

SPIT IT OUT.

YOU HAVE ANY MORE?

AH. GOSH, YOU'RE SO WEIRD.

- LANCE?

- YES.

I'D LIKE SOME TEA PLEASE.

WITH HONEY.

YEAH, OKAY.

I MAKE HIM TEA AND HONEY

SO THAT HE CAN WORK.

YOU KNOW? HE'S SICK,

SO I DON'T WANT HIM TO...

- THAT'S CUTE.

- I'D DO IT FOR YOU GUYS.

I'D LIKE THIS ONE, PLEASE.

MY MOM GAVE IT TO ME

SO I CAN STAY UP LATE

AT NIGHT.

IT KEEPS ME UP

SO I CAN STUDY.

- ALL RIGHT.

- OH, DOUBLE STRENGTH, PLEASE.

YOU KNOW.

I WANNA GET THIS DONE TONIGHT.

OKAY.

LANCE.

I'LL TAKE ONE, TOO.

JUST SO I CAN STAY UP,

BE ALERT,

READY TO POUNCE.

ACTUALLY, SIGN ME UP, TOO.

I WANT ONE. AND SOME COFFEE.

AND SOME DONUTS.

RIGHT. YOU WANT ME TO THROW ON AN

APRON AND A STRING OF PEARLS, TOO?

AS LONG AS THE APRON SAYS

"HOME, SWEET HOME."

- YEAH?

- YEAH.

- YOU GUYS ARE RIDICULOUS. JUST WATCH HIM, OKAY?

- YEAH.

OH, SHIT. HEY, WESLEY.

HE'S GONE. WESLEY!

HE'S GONE.

- HUH?

- HE'S GONE.

- WAKE UP!

- OH, WHAT?

- HE GOT OUT!

- COME ON, DUDE!

HEY. LOOK. IT LOOKS LIKE I'M

GONNA HAVE TO STAY THE NIGHT.

- WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

- WHAT?

WE HAD A BET ON HOW LONG

IT WOULD TAKE FOR YOU

TO TRY TO SLEEP

WITH ONE OF US,

ESPECIALLY AFTER YOUR

PHONY SPEECH AND ALL.

WHAT? NO, THE SPEECH, THE APP,

IT WAS ALL REAL.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I JUST NEED A PLACE TO STAY FOR THE NIGHT.

SO, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU DON'T WANNA

SLEEP WITH ME?

NO, I NEVER...

NO, I DON'T... I REALLY...

I TOLD YOU HE WAS GAY.

I'M NOT GAY. WHY DOES

EVERYBODY HERE THINK THAT?

- YOU LIKE GIRLS?

- YES, I LIKE...

I LIKE HANNAH.

HEY, IT'S ALL SETTLED.

HE CAN STAY.

- COME ON.

- THANK YOU.

SERIOUSLY, LOOK,

I DON'T TAKE UP MUCH SPACE.

I JUST NEED MAYBE

A CLOSET OR SOMETHING.

IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

NO, THERE'S

A GUEST ROOM UPSTAIRS.

SERIOUSLY?

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,

AND I DO MEAN ANYTHING,

HANNAH WILL HELP YOU.

LOOK, AND IF ANYONE

COMES LOOKING FOR ME,

DON'T LET THEM IN.

I WON'T LET ANYONE IN.

GOOD NIGHT, HANNAH.

GOOD NIGHT, JAMES.

OH, UH, HANNAH.

I'M... JAMES WILSON SINGER.

JAMES WILSON SINGER.

I LIKE THAT.

GOOD.

WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?

I'M HANNAH GRACE MARTIN.

THAT FITS YOU.

KIND OF EMBODIES YOUR EYES

AND YOUR HAIR AND YOUR HANDS

ALL IN ONE SENTENCE.

IT'S... I DON'T KNOW,

LIKE A SONG.

GOOD NIGHT, JAMES.

GOOD NIGHT.

THANK YOU.

SO WHY CAN'T WE

LET THEM IN?

BECAUSE THEY WANT

TO KILL HIM.

YEAH, WE GOTTA

KEEP HIM ALIVE

SO HE CAN HELP US

FINISH THE APP

AND TEACH US HOW TO TAKE

OUR POWER BACK.

WELL, I GUESS

HE CAN SHOW US

HOW TO MAKE GUYS

TALK TO US

LIKE HE DID TO YOU.

YOU KNOW, THIS SORORITY IS FINALLY

TAKING ON A WORTHWHILE PROJECT,

AND I FOR ONE AM EXCITED.

STOP! STOP!

STOP! STOP! STOP!

THERE HE IS,

RIGHT THERE IN THE WINDOW.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

LET US IN.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WE WANT JAMES.

BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM.

CAN YOU JUST LET US

INTO THE HOUSE? PLEASE?

NO, I CAN'T

AND IF YOU DON'T LEAVE,

I'M GONNA CALL

CAMPUS SECURITY.

OH, REALLY? WELL,

WE HAVE A KEY TO THIS SORORITY.

ONE OF YOU BIMBOS GAVE IT TO ME,

IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER.

WELL, THEN COME RIGHT IN,

SWEETHEART.

YOU WANT HIM,

COME AND GET HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT? W-WE GOT

THIS THING WITH THE STUFF.

SO WE'RE GONNA

JUST HEAD OUT,

BUT IT'S GOOD TO

SEE YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GIRLS

COULD USE YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP ANYWAY.

SO WE'RE JUST GONNA...

YOU LOOK...

YOU LOOK GOOD.

WESLEY!

OKAY, LADIES,

HOW ABOUT

WE JUST TALK THIS OUT

OVER BREAKFAST TOMORROW ON ME.

COFFEE AND BAGELS, LANCE?

HOW ABOUT A GIFT CARD

TO BAGEL BOYS.

THEY'RE INSANE. RUN!

DANIEL: DON'T TOUCH ME!

COFFEE AND BAGELS.

WHAT DID YOU SHOCK ME

LIKE THAT FOR?

INTERNAL BLEEDING.

LANCE,

THOSE FEMALES HATE YOU.

THEY HATE US. NOT ME.

WHAT IS THAT?

OKAY, WHAT THE EFF

HAPPENED BACK THERE?

I MEAN, WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT WERE THEY DOING?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHY YOU LOOKING AT ME?

I DON'T KNOW.

I KNOW.

WHAT... WHAT?

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

BRO, IT'S OBVIOUS.

OKAY?

ONE, ALL THE HOOKUP APPS

ARE DOWN.

TWO, JAMES IS NOW LIVING

IN A SORORITY HOUSE.

JUST PUT THEM TOGETHER.

YOU THINK THOSE

ARE ACTUALLY CONNECTED HERE?

OF COURSE.

OH, YEAH,

THERE'S A CONNECTION.

HE'S GOT ALL THE CHICKS,

AND WE DON'T.

WHAT IF HE'S JUST,

YOU KNOW,

WORKING ON SOMETHING

FOR US.

HE'S A GENIUS. THIS COULD BE SOMETHING

BIGGER AND BETTER FOR ALL OF US.

THAT'S STUPID, LANCE.

STUPID.

HE WANTS

ALL THE GIRLS TO HIMSELF.

HE'S GREEDY LIKE THAT.

OH, MY GOD.

THEY, LIKE, LOVE HIM.

I KNOW. DID YOU SEE

THE WAY THAT THEY

THREW THOSE WEAPONS OUT

JUST TO DEFEND HIM?

BRO, THOSE WEAPONS

WERE TO KILL US.

THAT HAIR BRUSH

WAS TO BEAT US, MAIM US.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, I THINK

THOSE ARE THE SAME THING.

OKAY, LOOK.

WE NEED A NEW PLAN, OBVIOUSLY.

- FIGURE ONE OUT...

- SHH.

NO. NO, NO, NO,

YOU'RE DONE WITH THAT, OKAY?

JAMES IS NOW LIVING

IN THE SORORITY HOUSE.

WE CALL THEM

SORORITY SISTERS.

THEY'RE ALL OF

THE TEAM CAPTAINS.

ALL BY HIMSELF.

HE'S IN THERE

WITH ALL OF THEM BY HIMSELF.

AND GUESS WHERE WE ARE?

WE'RE OUT HERE.

AS A RESULT OF YOUR PLAN,

LANCE,

WE'RE IN ICE.

FRIGID COLD. OKAY?

WE WILL MAKE A NEW PLAN,

OKAY?

- FINE.

- GOT IT.

- I HAVE AN IDEA.

- LET'S GO.

IT'S GONNA INVOLVE TWO CATS,

A PARACHUTE, AND A PLANE.

GOD, MELODY HASN'T

TEXTED ME BACK SINCE...

NO ONE CARES. JUST STOP.

HEY, RACHEL.

SO WE STILL DOWN FOR TONIGHT?

IF YOU WANNA SEE ME,

WESLEY,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE

TO ASK ME OUT

ONE WEEK IN ADVANCE

AND TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER

SO WE CAN TALK AND GET TO

KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER.

- WHAT?!

- LAUREN, WE STILL ON FOR TONIGHT?

- FOR WHAT?

- FOR WHAT? YOU KNOW FOR WHAT. COME ON NOW.

THE FRIENDS-WITH-BENEFITS PROGRAM

HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN DISCONTINUED.

TRY FLATTERY.

THAT'S ON WOMEN SINCE EVE.

YOU LOOK SO NICE, RACHEL.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU, LAUREN.

BOTOX HELPS.

NOW I SEE YOU FINALLY LOST

THOSE FIVE POUNDS

YOU WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT,

MELODY.

WHAT?

IT'S A COMPLEMENT.

NO, IT WASN'T.

MINE WAS.

WE JUST... WE NEED TO FORGET

ABOUT WOMEN FOR A WHILE

BECAUSE MY GRADE IN CS

DEPENDS HIGHLY ON THIS APP.

OKAY, JUST TELL THEM THAT

YOU'RE WORKING ON AN UPDATE.

"JUNGLE" 2.0.

OKAY.

NICE, JAMES.

GOOD.

HEY, LANCE, WHAT'S GOING ON

WITH "JUNGLE"?

UM, UH...

WE'RE WORKING

ON AN UPDATE RIGHT NOW,

AND THE NEW AND IMPROVED

VERSION OF "JUNGLE"

WILL BE RELEASED

AS SOON AS IT'S DONE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST

SHARE WITH THE CLASS

THE WORKFLOW PROCESS

IT TAKES

TO DEBUG AND DEVELOP

AN UPDATE?

THE ONLY THING IS THAT...

SPEAK UP, LANCE.

THE REST OF THE CLASS

WANTS TO TAKE DETAILED NOTES.

WELL, THAT WOULD BE IN VIOLATION

OF THE NDA THAT WE AGREED.

I EXPECT BY THE END OF TODAY

TO HAVE A FULL-PAGE OUTLINE

OF YOUR WORKFLOW PROCESS.

ALL RIGHT?

WAIT, AND SORRY.

I FORGET.

DID YOU TELL ME THAT NASA

COMMISSIONED "JUNGLE"?

MM-HMM, YEAH,

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOUR NEXT ASSIGNMENT

WILL PROBABLY BE WHAT,

STUDYING THE MATING RITUALS

ON MARS?

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY, CLASS.

HAVE A GOOD ONE.

THERE THEY ARE.

I THINK WE SHOULD

CALL A PRESS CONFERENCE.

- WHAT?

- YEAH.

TELL THE WORLD

WHO REALLY CREATED "JUNGLE."

SMART. SMART.

HEY. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,

POPS,

WHAT'S THE NUMBER

TO YOUR PUBLICIST?

I GOT SOME ROCKIN' NEWS

I WANNA TELL THEM.

YEAH, OKAY, PRE-MED'S FINE.

THANKS FOR ASKING.

ALL RIGHT. I LOVE YOU. JUST

TEXT ME THE NUMBER. YEAH. BYE.

HE HAS TO TAKE ME

TO MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT.

AND NOT ASK ME FOR MY CREDIT

CARD SO I CAN PAY FOR IT.

AND NOT ASK THE WAITRESS

FOR HER NUMBER IN FRONT OF ME.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA

CALL THE APP, JAMES?

WHAT DO YOU GIRLS THINK

OF "EVE"?

EVE.

THE FIRST WOMAN.

HANNAH, WHAT DOES A GUY HAVE

TO DO TO EARN YOUR TRUST?

A GUY SHOULD BE HONEST.

IF HE'S A LIAR,

THAT'S A DEAL BREAKER.

HE SHOULD TELL ME THE TRUTH

REGARDLESS OF WHETHER IT

WILL HURT MY FEELINGS OR NOT.

ISN'T THAT A LITTLE UNREALISTIC,

THOUGH, HANNAH?

OKAY, CLEARLY WE UNDERESTIMATED

JAMES HERE, LIKE, BIG TIME.

NO, IT'S CLEAR

THAT JAMES IS A DICK

AND A BACKSTABBER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK

MAKES HIM TICK?

- UM, THAT NERDY CHICK, FOUR-EYES...

- HANNAH.

YEAH, YEAH, HANNAH.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT HER?

WELL, HER FULL NAME'S

HANNAH MARTIN,

AND SHE KEEPS A LOW PROFILE.

NO, SHE KEEPS A "NO" PROFILE.

SHE'S NOT ON ANY

OF THE DATING APPS.

NO, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

NO, NO, NO,

IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

IT'S VERY POSSIBLE.

SHE'S OFF THE GRID.

OKAY, LADIES,

EVERYONE TURN OFF

THEIR CELL PHONES,

THEIR TABLETS,

AND THEIR LAPTOPS.

WE'RE GONNA TRY

OUR VERY BEST TO CONCENTRATE...

...ON JAMES

BECAUSE HE HAS SOMETHING'S

VERY IMPORTANT TO TELL US.

HE'S BEEN STUDYING US

AND LISTENING

TO WHAT WE WANT FROM MEN,

AND HE'S

ABOUT TO REVEAL TO US

TO ULTIMATE APP.

WHERE'S HANNAH?

SHE SAID SHE'S GONNA BE LATE,

SO WE CAN GO AHEAD

AND START WITHOUT HER.

OKAY.

LADIES, IT'S BEEN A REAL EYE-OPENER

LIVING WITH YOU ALL THESE DAYS.

AND I THINK IF FINALLY DISCOVERED

THE ULTIMATE DATING APP,

AND I'D LIKE TO PRESENT IT

TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

NEWS FLASH,

THE HOOKUP APPS ARE BACK UP.

- GET OFF OF ME.

- YOU'RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO HAVE YOUR PHONE ON.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WE'RE GONNA LISTEN TO JAMES

AND DECIDE

WHICH APP IS BETTER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU ARE THE APP.

LOOK, I KNOW ALGORITHMS.

I KNOW BIOLOGY.

BUT THERE'S NOTHING

THAT I CAN CODE, INVENT,

OR CREATE

THAT EQUALS WHAT GOD HAS

ALREADY CREATED INSIDE OF YOU.

JAMES, THE GUYS DECIDE

WHICH APPS RULE.

NO, SEE,

THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.

YOU DECIDE.

IF NONE OF THE GIRLS

ARE ON THE APPS,

WHERE ARE THE GUYS GONNA GO?

GIRLS, YOU HAVE THE POWER.

DON'T GIVE THAT UP.

IT'S LIKE FIFTH-WAVE FEMINISM.

I LIKE IT.

TIFFANY MOVED OUT.

I ASKED HER TO MOVE OUT.

MAN, SEEING YOU

ON THAT DATE,

IT JUST...

IT JUST DID SOMETHING TO ME.

OKAY, YOU SPIED ON ME?

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

YEAH, LISTEN.

CAN'T WE START FRESH?

NOW FOR SOME

NEWS FROM OUR TECH BUREAU....

TAKE YOU

ON A SECOND HONEYMOON.

I PROMISE YOU I WILL MAKE IT UP

TO YOU THE REST OF MY LIFE.

- YEAH, YOU WILL.

- ...COLLEGE FRESHMAN NAMED JAMES SINGER.

THE REPORT ALSO STATES

THAT JAMES SINGER...

WHAT IS THAT?

IS THAT YOUR RADIO?

WHAT, "JUNGLE"?

WHAT THE...

...I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT YOU REALLY HURT MY SOCIAL LIFE TOO.

I KNEW HE WAS MY BOY.

WHO NEEDS A PATERNITY TEST?

IN BASKETBALL, THE COURTS

WERE BUSY LAST NIGHT...

DID YOU SEE THAT?

WAIT A MINUTE.

I'M CONFUSED.

DID JAMES MAKE THE APP?

OR DID HE TAKE DOWN

THE APPS?

BOTH.

HE'S A GENIUS.

THEY SAY THAT GENIUS MANIFESTS

ITSELF EVERY OTHER GENERATION.

WHAT?

YOUR BROTHER

INVENTED "JUNGLE"?

HE'S WAY COOL.

I KNOW.

JAMES SINGER.

I KNEW IT.

IS HE THE CRAZY KID

WHO KEPT CALLING ME?

WAY TO GO, JAMES.

THINK WE NEED TO MAKE

A DETOUR TO SEE THIS GUY.

HEY, HANNAH,

YOU GOT A SECOND?

NO, ROB,

I'M LATE TO A MEETING.

- WE NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.

- WHAT?

- IT'S ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND.

- I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

DID YOU EVER SET UP

AN ACCOUNT ON "JUNGLE"?

- NO.

- WHY NOT?

BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING.

OH, I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU.

A REAL PERV

MUST'VE DREAMT THAT UP.

YEAH, LANCE DREAMT IT UP.

WHOA, OKAY, YOU ACTUALLY

THINK THAT I HAVE THE SKILLS

TO CREATE AN APP

LIKE JUNGLE?

I DON'T THINK

YOU HAVE THE SKILLS

TO OPEN A BAG

OF POTATO CHIPS

WITHOUT FRICK AND FRACK HERE

ASSISTING YOU.

HONEY.

IT'S HANNAH.

HANNAH, JAMES DEVELOPED

"JUNGLE."

NO, HE DIDN'T.

EXCEPT THAT HE DID.

- SO...

- WHATEVER.

- COME ON.

- PEACE.

COME ON, HANNAH.

JAMES IS EXPLAINING THE APP.

HANNAH, WHAT'S WRONG?

JAMES, ARE YOU THE CREATOR

OF "JUNGLE"?

- NO.

- I'M SO RELIEVED.

I'M THE CODER OF "JUNGLE."

- WHAT?

- THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- YOU'VE BEEN STAYING AT OUR PLACE!

YOU HELPED LANCE

MAKE "JUNGLE"?

HANNAH, IT'S NOT

LIKE THAT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WHO CARES,

GUYS? HE'S HELPING US NOW.

- THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

- I AGREE.

I'M GONNA HELP YOU

BUILD AN APP

BASED ON EVERYTHING YOU GUYS

TOLD ME YOU WANTED.

JAMES, I JUST STARTED

TO TRUST YOU AGAIN.

- AND THEN YOU LIE TO ME?

- I DID IT BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE WITH SOMEONE.

YEAH, I CALL FOUL.

THIS IS NOT COOL, JAMES.

SOMEONE CONVINCED ME THAT

IF ALL THE GUYS WERE ON THE APP,

THEN ALL THE GIRLS

WOULD HAVE TO BE, TOO, BUT...

BUT WHAT?

THE GIRL I REALLY, REALLY LIKE

DIDN'T GO ON IT.

IS THAT WHY YOU

SHUT IT DOWN?

YOU'RE THE ONE

WHO SHUT IT DOWN, RIGHT?

YES, I TOOK IT DOWN,

BUT I TOOK IT DOWN

'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT

MY MOTHER USING IT.

YOUR MOM?

WHAT?

TURNS OUT...

CONNECTING ISN'T JUST HARD

FOR US.

IT'S HARD FOR EVERYONE.

SO YOU MADE "JUNGLE"

FOR LOVE.

I MADE "JUNGLE" BECAUSE SOMEONE

PROMISED MY WAY TO M.I.T.

AND, YES...

BECAUSE I LOVE HANNAH.

IF YOU DON'T KISS HIM

RIGHT NOW,

- I'M GONNA ASK HIM TO MARRY ME.

- I'LL BEAT YOU TO IT.

COME ON, HANNAH.

HE JUST SAID HE LOVES YOU

IN FRONT OF ALL THESE GIRLS.

I'M NOT GONNA

SING IT TO YOU.

JAMES, I...

- OH, GOOD NIGHT, TEACH.

- GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.

OH, HEY, LANCE.

I FORGOT.

I NEED TO SEE YOU

AT 4:00 TOMORROW

TO GO OVER NEXT TERM.

WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

"NEXT TERM"?

YEAH, YOU'RE REPEATING

MY CLASS.

LOOKS LIKE YOUR

PLAN BACKFIRED, BRO.

AS MUCH AS

I WAS LOOKING FORWARD

TO SEEING HER EVERY SINGLE DAY

NEXT SEMESTER,

I THINK I MIGHT ACTUALLY

CHANGE MY MAJOR TO BUSINESS.

REALLY?

YEAH, "JUNGLE"

WENT REALLY WELL.

IT ALSO DIED.

YEAH, WELL, WE KILLED IT

FOR A SECOND THERE.

I MEANT TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT SOMETHING.

YEAH, MAN, WHAT'S UP?

WOULD YOU MIND TAKING STEPS

BACK FROM RACHEL FOR ME?

I THINK I REALLY

LIKE HER.

- LIES. BLATANT LIES.

- LOOK AT THOSE EYES, MAN.

SEE, THIS GUY'S

IN LOVE, MAN.

- HE'S HEAD OVER HEALS.

- SERIOUSLY.

WOULD YOU...

WOULD YOU MIND?

FOR YOU?

HELL YEAH. TOTALLY.

THANKS, BROTHER.

PLOT TWIST,

HE DOES HAVE A SOUL.

OH, SHUT UP, YOU GUYS.

SEE YOU LATER.

JUST WALK IN THERE...

AND TALK TO HER.

UH, HEY, RACHEL.

YOU GOT A SECOND?

CAN I TALK TO YOU?

ASK YOU A QUESTION?

I'M LATE FOR CLASS.

OKAY, WELL,

HOW ABOUT I WALK YOU?

I GUESS SO.

HERE, LET ME

TAKE YOUR BOOKS.

I KNOW YOU'RE

NOT USED TO THEM.

SO, WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION?

UM, I WAS WONDERING

IF MAYBE

YOU'D WANNA GO TO DINNER

WITH ME ON FRIDAY?

IS THAT A YES?

A NO?

MAYBE? POSSIBLY?

KINDA? NOT REALLY?

- IT'S A MAYBE.

- OKAY.

OKAY, I CAN TAKE A MAYBE.

I'LL TAKE A MAYBE.

WHY DON'T WE, UH...

WE CAN GET MARRIED

ON THE ROOF RIGHT THERE.

TOO FAST... OR YOU AFRAID

OF HEIGHT... TOO FAST? OKAY.

OKAY, WE'LL TAKE IT BACK...

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