Swingin' Models (1972) - full transcript

(dramatic orchestral music)

(upbeat jazz music)

- Beautiful baby.

When I think how uptight
you were when you started.

- Are we finished?

- Yep.

Which stud in you stable are
you taking for a ride today?

- This time I happen to love him.

- Don't tell me he's the man of your life.

I suppose the fact that he's

a handsome, divorced billionaire



didn't influence your affections.

Real love at first sight.

- I love him.

- Oh, naturally.

- [Woman] Who is that?

- She's no competition, so calm down.

I just want to try her out.

- In bed?

- No, on the sofa.

Come on, get out.

So, get a nice hard-on?

I want a first class performance.

One orgasm more, and you can go back

to your job in the front window, okay?



Oh, what do my astonished eyes behold?

She who seeks, shall find,

so thought your predecessor.

Now, button up your
sporting friend, would you?

Can you tell me the reason
why male window dummies

having nothing inside their pants?

- Don't they?

I never had the honor of undressing one.

- Okay, listen sweetheart,
enough of that virginal routine.

Use a little more sophistication.

Do it, like so.

Capisce?

Now what's wrong,
inspiration lacking today?

I'm waiting.

- Oh, for what?

- What I hired you for.

I put it very plainly in the newspaper ad,

plain and unmistakable, didn't I?

- Yes.

- Yes yes yes, what does that mean?

- I just can't.

- And why not?

Don't you like his excellency?

- No.

- Despite his millions?

- Despite his millions.

- And what do you say to
that, your excellency?

What?

His excellency is frightfully offended,

but he's willing to hire
you as his secretary

for $69 a session.

- Okay, tell him I
gladly accept his offer.

- You wouldn't have any special skills?

- No.

- No?

- No.

You're crazy.

- What do you say to these
Himalayan peaks, your excellency?

Sorry?

Oh, at the most they're the Alps?

Well, I beg your pardon?

Oh, you'd like to go to bed with her?

Who wouldn't?

You'll give her a little
diamond, in advance?

Oh, you're so generous, your excellency.

What?

And a lovely penthouse, a new Rolls Royce?

And wedding bells.

Congratulations, your fortune is made.

- Please let go of me now.

- Forget the ungrateful bitch.

- I don't want to be a whore,
that's all there is to it.

I'm not going to be another filthy picture

hidden in a drawer to
give a few horny old men

vicarious pleasures, I
think it's disgusting.

- Which one is the most disgusting?

- That one.

- Interesting.

So you don't want a career like that?

- I don't.

- Or like hers, or hers, or hers?

- No, I don't.

And while we're on the
subject of my qualifications,

allow me to say this,

that window dummy has more
in his pants than you do.

- You can't blame me
for trying to find out

if you have the right kind of equipment.

Say, how about going with
me to a party tonight?

And you'll have a good chance
to see what a tragic end

is in store for these women
who have made bed a career.

- You have nothing else to offer me

than an evening out with a
lot of cheap whores and pimps?

(soft jazz xylophone)

(engine revving)

I'd never imagine a bordello
would look like this.

- Live and learn.

Go on in.

Come on, don't be shy.

(bright xylophone music)

As you'd expect, everybody
here is a hustler.

I think we'd better
circulate and take part

in this sordid game,

the lovely world of sex and money.

Hello, Suzanne.

- Felix.

- Oh, listen angel,

think you can shake a few dollars

out of Branken's fat pockets

for our next super porno work of art?

- Don't you call me angel, and second--

- Yes and second?

- And second, I don't finance
any porno works of art.

- Bravo, bravo, bravo.

I'm sorry, then how's your porno business?

Hello Erica.

- Felix, what a pleasure,
I'm so glad to see you.

- Apparently, oh by the way,

I see your husband has
gone in for developing

motion picture talents?

- Why not?

Suzanne's worked very hard on herself.

- Oh yes, and they worked
very hard on her, too.

As they say, the harder the better.

Madame looks absolutely ravishing.

Hamster?

Or maybe, pussy?

Very becoming though.

- Come on, you can cut
out the comedy Sardin,

that's real Canadian mink.

- The devil it is, you know
I'm blind as a bat, go on.

- Well, how's the cynical reporter?

And who is this fabulous creature you

brought with you tonight?

- You have to find another toy, Consul.

Astrid hates rich men.

You wouldn't have a little
office work for her?

- No, I'm sorry, have you
got any special skills?

- No.

- We're parched.

Where's the barrel of vodka?

Oh, what I behold warms the
very cockles of my heart.

The can-opener of high society.

- Thanks for prying me out of the clutches

of that old letcher.

- To vice.

Oh, maybe I should tell you,

that old letcher

is our host this evening.

Consul Schmidts.

He's worth about six to eight million.

He regards wealth much as Jesus did,

when he said, it is far better
to give than to receive,

which means he's a man
who to a great extent,

uses his money to enjoy to the
full the pleasures of life.

In only one area does he
encounter problems, sex.

Already married four times,

then four times divorced.

It's rumored that,
while he can offer women

all the goodies of this world,

he can't offer them anything in bed.

For example, his hot affair
a year ago with Christine.

He got to know her at a gambling casino,

and had no trouble
making her acquaintance.

Christine could smell a rich
man a hundred miles away,

and had played partner in
the vice to quite a few.

Consul Schmidts immediately
gave her the impression

of being an extraordinarily
generous fellow.

- Please, don't go.

You brought me good luck.

This is for you.

I'd like to show my gratitude.

And please don't say
that you can't accept it.

- All right, I'll take it.

I had absolutely no luck this evening.

Some days are like that.

I think I really ought to get out.

- Poppycock.

- I'm warning you, they're
your chips I'll be losing.

- No, they're not, they're yours.

What did I tell you?

See, you won.

Shall we try again?

- [Dealer] Place your bets please.

- Excuse me, I should have
introduced myself to you.

Schmidts.

- Consul Schmidts, I know.

- Oh really?

- I saw you once on television.

My name is Christine.

(laughing)

That's enough Consul,
I can't take anymore.

My nose is running.

- Just one more, listen.

A gentleman is walking out on a lady.

- Please not here, Consul.

Not here.

- Where?

- Where?

I must say you work very fast.

I like a country house.

Small outside, elegant inside.

Where can a lady powder her nose, Consul?

- Don't call me Consul
all the time please,

just call me Hugo.

- Hugo?

- I know, my dear parents
had no imagination.

- Very well Hugo, where
can a lady powder her nose?

- Over there in the bathroom.

I hope you won't keep me
waiting for you too long.

- You're that hungry for me, Hugo?

- Time to go to work, wake up.

- Oh, okay.

- Wake up!

I have another assignment for you.

- Oh no, that's twice this week.

All right, where is she?

- In the bathroom, powdering her nose.

- I hope at least she's pretty.

- You'll be happy with her.

- All right, whenever I
think of the last one.

Has the lady been told?

- No.

Hurry.

- So it's, it's the same old routine?

- As usual.

- You disgust me, Christine.

Your technique's amateur and primitive.

Whatever happens, better
not fail me sweetheart.

The Consul's the gateway to the easy life.

- Oh, hello.

- Hello.

Who are you?

The junior Consul?

- No, the Consul's guest.

Anything I can do for you?

- No.

(laughing)

Now that I think of it, yes.

Would you help me unhook my dress?

- Of course, it's an honor.

- Are you always that awkward?

- I could do it without these on.

- Anyone can do that.

Is there a bathrobe somewhere around here?

- Yes, in the bathroom, wait.

I'll go get it.

- I'd rather, don't bother.

Please keep working, stay nice and fit.

(soft jazz music)

Hugo, Hugo, you're a
very big disappointment.

- Oh, forgive me dear.

May I ask why?

- Tell me who's the nude
man in the torture chamber.

- Torture chamber?

- Who is he?

- Oh, you mean Roy.

- What's he doing here?

- He's living with me for a while.

- And I thought you were anxious

to spend the evening with me alone.

- Roy won't get in our way unless--

- Unless?

- We invite him to join us.

- Hugo, Hugo.

I think you have evil thoughts.

- Roy's a very charming boy.

They say three is a lot more fun.

- That depends on what
you mean by having fun.

All right, invite your
charming little boy, Hugo.

- Well?

- Things are moving.

Come on, get dressed.

- That would be a shame.

- Roy, this is Christine.

- Our boxer is bashful, how sweet.

- Consul, kindly inform the young lady

that I'm neither bashful nor a boxer.

- He's a rock and roll singer.

- Am I supposed to know him?

- He's just starting to become
known and I'm handling him.

- How generous.

- I cut my first phonograph
record this morning.

Everyone is unanimously convinced that,

that it's going to be a hit.

- What's the title?

- The Wind.

- Well, don't keep us in suspense,

put the tape on the player, Roy.

- Unfortunately, all
I've got's the playback.

- What's that?

- The playback?

That's the music track without the voice.

I'll record the lyrics next week.

- What a pity.

- Would you really like to listen to it?

- Yes.

- Okay.

Would you please play it, Consul?

And I'll run through the lyrics.

- What's the tape speed?

- Seven and a half.

(soft acoustic guitar)

♪ The wind, the wind
howls all night long ♪

♪ I hear its lonely song ♪

♪ The wind is calling anxiously ♪

♪ It's calling you to me ♪

♪ The wind, the wind
sings its lonely song ♪

♪ It sings it sings you belong to me ♪

♪ The wind, the wind
howls all night long ♪

♪ It sings, it sings its lonely song ♪

(rock music)

- Open up.

(knocking on door)

Open that door Roy, open
up, that's an order.

Open up, or I'll break the door down.

- Go screw yourself Consul,

today we're playing with different rules.

- That's a violation of our agreement.

- This one appeals to me.

- You filthy double-crosser,
you ten cent stud.

I'll throw you out along with that whore.

(film projector whirring)

(soft jazz music)

- [Felix] Yes, Christine and
Roy chose sexual freedom.

Christine was faced with a choice,

a rich old man, or a young
pop singer with a future.

She chose the latter,

and so far as I've heard,
did the right thing.

Poor rich Consul Schmidts.

- Actually, it's very nice here.

Thank you very much for inviting me.

- What's this?

I thought you were against whore parties.

- You have such a crude vocabulary.

That lady there, don't tell
me she used to be a whore.

- [Felix] One of the best.

- [Astrid] She looks so normal.

- [Felix] Don't they all?

- [Astrid] What about that other one?

I think I've met her somewhere.

Her face is very familiar.

- Out of the question.

Missus Von Branken moves
only in the most elegant

and exclusive circles these days.

- I guess I'm mistaken.

But she looks like a sweet person.

- You change your mind
as often as your panties.

- I never wear them.

- Oh no, I'll file that for reference.

Want to see something?

- Who's that?

- Missus Von Branken.

Her maiden name was Limburger.

She was engaged to a very nice young man.

At the time I had this nude picture of her

printed in a magazine.

Branken was still married then.

And he and his wife spent some
sleepless nights over her.

- Say that again please.

Listen to this Peter.

- My husband saw her.

It was love at first sight.

Then he pulled her into the lower bunk,

ripped away the sheets, and
then lay down beside her.

- And then?

- What happened then, Walter?

- Then I felt terribly embarrassed

because I was all dressed
and you were all naked.

- Didn't I have anything on?

- No.

Like Eve in the Garden of Eden,

as if God had just finished making you.

- I don't find that story very amusing.

- Peter.

- If you keep an eye on my
man, I'll keep an eye on yours.

- Peter and I are engaged to be married.

- Don't worry about him.

- Peter, wait a second.

Don't you think that I have
good reason to be jealous, too?

- Erica never breathed
a word to me about that

revolting episode.

- She couldn't have told you,

because you can bet your last dollar

she was also getting laid by
another thousand men in town.

- That's very comforting.

- When a girl like
Erica has a nude picture

on a magazine cover, she's
bound to get up in the world.

- That damn magazine
picture, it's nauseating.

Well have a nice evening.

- Hey, wait a second, where are you going?

- I'm going home.

- It's too early to go to sleep yet.

I've got a terrific idea,

let's go to my house and relax.

Would that please you?

Walter will come later with Erica,

and the engaged couple
can have a reconciliation.

I'll go get my coat.

(upbeat jazz music)

- No, I don't think it's a good idea,

because if Peter caught us,

he'd go crazy and cut our heads off.

He's dreadfully jealous, you know.

- Yes, so would I be
if you were my fiance.

- I would really like to
know where Peter's gone to.

- And my wife's disappeared, as well.

- You mean they've gone off together?

- Oh why not?

An angry young man is hard
for my wife to resist.

But I wouldn't be
surprised if we found them

both at my house, consoling each other.

- You mean that?

- I'm almost sure.

Come on, let's get another drink.

- My name's Sylvia.

- Peter.

- Want another?

- No thanks, I've got to drive later.

- Oh a little one, that can't hurt you.

- All right.

You really believe your
husband'll bring her back here?

- I've often given comfort
to lonely young men.

My husband knows that.

And somehow I've the feeling

that you're in need of comfort, too.

- Not comfort, I simply
can't get used to the idea

that so many men keep
trying to make the woman

that I intend to marry all
because of that nude picture.

- Why did she pose for that picture?

- Career, she wants a big career.

Every time I hear the
word, I feel like vomiting.

- Go on into the parlor.

Well, what did I tell you?

There's the prodigal son.

Would you mix us a drink, please?

Cigarette?

- No thanks.

- Why not, your health?

- Don't be so impolite Peter,

you always smoke like a chimney.

- Tell me Mister Von Branken,
did the night you spent

in the lower bunk with my future bride

give you sexual pleasure?

- Oh stop that Peter.

Don't be so ill-mannered,

the Brankens are such wonderful hosts.

- I want to go now.

- Well I don't.

- Good for you.

- Please don't go yet, here.

- No, I don't feel like drinking.

- The roads are pretty icy.

Even the taxis have
decided to call it a night.

- In that case we'll walk, come on.

- You mean in the freezing cold?

Not on your life.

I just got over the flu.

- [Peter] You might
dress warmer, you know.

- Our attempt to act as
mediators isn't working so well.

In fact Walter, I think
our presence is disturbing.

Let me make a suggestion.

You make yourselves at
home in the next room,

and be our guests for tonight,

and tomorrow morning you'll
see things more clearly.

All right?

Come on Peter, let's make
a virtue of necessity.

- No we can't stay.

- But really we just got here--

- Erica please, you know I
wouldn't let my worst enemy

out in weather like this.

Come on now, have a drink.

- It's a comfortable room.

- I don't know, I still think we ought to

drive back home now.

- Why don't you take a
look at the room first?

Well, how do you like it?

We often have overnight guests.

They all seem to enjoy it very much.

- Yes but, please.

- No buts, you're both
staying here, all right?

- Thank you and good night.

- Good night, and please try and make up.

- Good night Erica.

- Good night.

- Sleep well.

- Peter?

Peter?

- In here.

- Beautifully done
darling, congratulations.

Let's hope that it works out tonight.

But they've got a real
problem on their hands.

- They say problems
are best solved in bed.

Please, turn the light out.

The program looks promising,
even more than you expected.

I think your idea of a
two-way mirror will pay off.

- Damn it, I don't have
my makeup kit with me.

Not even a cleanser.

Nothing.

- I kept saying that we
ought to go back home.

- On foot?

- That damn nude picture.

That's what we always fight about.

You always--

- Please shut up, I'm tired
and I want to go to sleep.

Would you please hand
me one of those tissues?

- Here.

- Walter.

Tell me what you see.

- She's standing near the mirror.

- And?

- She's taking her makeup off.

- And now?

- They're still arguing.

He's taking his pants off.

- [Sylvia] Go on.

- She's almost finished
removing her makeup.

She's admiring herself.

She's studying her body.

She's rubbing her breasts.

- How are her breasts?

Hard?

Small?

Like mine?

- Bigger.

Soft white skin.

He's approaching her from behind.

- [Sylvia] What's he doing now, Walter?

- [Walter] He's pulling her panties off.

- Everything, I want to know everything.

Is she blonde all over?

- As dark as you are.

- Go on.

- She doesn't want to,

now he's, she's got a fantastic ass.

- Nicer than that lovely redhead's?

- To bed.

He's kissing her breasts.

(Sylvia gasping)

- Go on.

What's the matter, why
aren't you going on?

- They turned the light off.

Can't see a thing now.

End of the performance.

What a let down.

Or else we've got to get them
to turn the light on somehow.

Have you any ideas?

(soft flute music)

- I hope I'm not intruding,

but I must have forgotten
my nightie in the closet.

- Excuse me, could you tell
me where the bathroom is here?

- Oh how silly of me, you
have to go through there.

It's on the left.

Here.

- Thank you.

- But please don't wake my husband.

- I'm sorry, excuse me.

- Don't mention it.

- Well, have you made up already?

- No.

- Well, I'll go back to bed again.

Or, have you another suggestion?

(flute music)

- You look positively ravishing
in my wife's dressing gown.

- Thank you.

- Did you make up finally?

- Peter is so difficult.

- He doesn't appear to
give that impression.

My wife seems to feel very much

at home with him in the next room.

- Oh, you don't know my Peter at all then.

He'll play it so cool,

he'll drive your poor
wife absolutely crazy.

- Would you like me to prove the contrary?

- Fine.

- Well it's very easy.

In my bedroom, we've a
ringside seat, come on.

Come on, come on, sit in the front row.

Make yourself comfortable.

Better hold on to your seat.

Not bad, huh?

(romantic orchestral music)

Did you enjoy that?

- Yes, very much.

- You could enjoy it more often.

- But you're married.

- Yes.

- [Felix Voiceover] Mirror,
mirror, on the wall,

who is the fairest of them all?

Erica, naturally.

Now she's the queen of that perverted life

that they call high society.

High, my ass.

She lies now in a neatly made bed,

and calls herself Missus Von Branken.

- Fascinating story.

- Isn't it?

He got rid of his former wife.

She was getting a little stale for him.

Erica kicked Peter out on his ear.

Yes, it's decidedly a failing
not to have any money.

And from what I observed this evening,

the marriage of Mister
and Missus Von Branken

is already on the rocks.

- What prompted you to bring
me to this party tonight?

- Why are you so set on ending
your days as a secretary?

There are already too many.

- [Astrid] Well, what would you suggest?

- The usual.

- Sleep with a man just to get a little--

- Oh, not any man, with
the right man, yes.

- [Astrid] And the man with a little money

is the right man, right?

- Quite wrong.

A man with a lot of money.

Cheers.

- Did you ever hear about love?

- Yes.

- I asked you a question.

- I don't have cotton in my ears,

I heard you loud and clear.

You can't imagine how rapidly
a woman's passion is stirred

when she gets a good whiff of money.

- Cheese, sir.

- It's the finest aphrodisiac
that's been invented.

Want to play?

- What are the stakes?

- Nothing but the naked truth.

Be brave, sweetheart,

and I'll give you the
greatest lesson in life

you've ever had.

- Who's she?

- The movie star of the year.

Well done.

- She doesn't impress me.

However, I'd love to
have her gorgeous hair.

- It's just a wig, baby,

as phony as the rest of her.

- This isn't a dress rehearsal

for Strindberg's Dance of Death, huh?

It's gotta be wild,

more primitive, more barbaric, understand?

- So you mean like Tarzan?

- If you like.

And you'll have to defend yourself

against him better than that.

- Defend is the right word.

He's about as erotic as a piece of wood.

- Am I supposed to be in
love with her, or not?

- Take it easy, easy easy, huh?

Now try it once again, will you?

From the beginning?

You're spending the
weekend with two sisters,

who have an incestuous relationship,

and find all men revolting.

A beautiful little bit, Myer.

- Thank you Martin.

The fruit of my training with
Professor Butt su Castro.

- Yeah, class always shows.

Now, we'll start with you
coming through the door,

is that clear?

All right, come on let's get going.

Well, get a move on, come on.

- Could I borrow a coat to cover myself

just for the rehearsal?

- Listen, do you want to be
a porno film actor, or not?

There, use that.

Now here's what you do,

you come and see the
younger sister lying in bed.

Now you don't want to startle her,

and you cup your two hands

like a funnel in front of your mouth.

Now what is it, huh?

Your hands in front of your
mouth, so go on, do it.

Like this.

- Hello?

(laughing)

- I see nothing amusing about
it, so please, no laughter.

So where is our dear Miss Hansen?

- She's still in makeup.

- I want her here right away.

In the next shot, she needs to
come through that door naked.

- Yes sir.

- Ready?

Lights, camera?

- Ready.

- Hold it.

I think it would be
better if our leading man

stood for a few moments
underneath a freezing shower.

- I won't appear totally nude,

so it's absolutely ridiculous

to cover my bosoms with makeup.

- Listen, try and understand darling,

above the belt you're
sunburned, but under.

- Miss Hansen on the set please,
you're wanted on the set.

- All right.

- Suzanne, Suzanne.

Look, you don't seem to realize this role

could be the chance of your
life, so try to cooperate.

- I don't see why I've got to

take my panties off for the scene.

- Because it's sensuous, my dear.

- And then there's all those
men staring at me all the time.

- Do you want to be a
movie star or don't you?

- Yes, but not at any price.

- Suzanne!

Listen to me baby.

The rules of this game
are written by the public,

and they want you naked.

- Shit.

- I've got a suggestion.

Let's quit the shooting for today,

and send the whole gang away,

and we'll rehearse this scene together.

Okay?

- I'll buy that.

- All right, let's go.

- Suzanne sees everything more clearly,

now she'll let you make her up, won't you?

- Anything for you.

- I'll call it quits for this afternoon,

and when you're finished making her up,

come on downstairs with Suzanne.

We'll rehearse the scene alone.

And you can do the sister's part.

- It's a privilege.

All right, come here I'll help you.

- I can manage alone.

- Have it your own way.

- Why must I put makeup on

if we're not really shooting the scene.

- That's the way the maestro wants it,

he's hypersensitive.

Even rehearsal has to be realistic.

He's got a lot of big plans for you.

(soft jazz trumpet)

- Do you know what the action is?

- Yes, I think so.

- And, you can do it?

- I'll do my best.

- Start with your entrance.

And quiet on the set.

- Don't be so nervous,
there's nobody but us here.

Here, art for the sake of art.

- Do you think you'll
give me a starring part

in your next movie?

- I'll use my influence.

- Here, put this on.

You'll catch a death of cold.

- Coming?

- [Felix] He did use his influence,

from walk-ons, to bit parts,

from bit parts, to the lead.

Nowadays she gets $20,000 a film.

- All right, I'll see
you tomorrow morning,

real early, huh?

Nine a.m. makeup call.

- You're the boss.

- [Felix] I wonder how many
starlets that makeup woman

led into Martin's bed.

Nobody'll ever know, but to my knowledge,

Suzanne's the only one
who made a threesome

with Martin and Agnes.

Oddly enough, I don't
begrudge her success.

When it comes down to
it, she's a good kid.

- [Astrid] Is she really
going to marry him?

- Yes.

- [Astrid] You'd never think so.

- Who do you mean?

- The little superstar.

- Oh, Suzanne.

No, that girl is much too clever.

Want another drink?

- Yes.

- Her stock hasn't been promoted

on the society marriage market yet.

Two or three more starring roles

and she'll be up for auction.

The highest bidder gets
the pound of flesh.

Then the papers will call it a love match.

And I'll look at my pictures,

and wonder what happened to my percentage.

- Tell me, does every one
of these bed career girls

start in your photo studio?

- It's only natural.

Starlets, mannequins, photo models,

there aren't many professions
where the requisite

is to lie down on a neatly made mattress.

Well well, look who's coming in now.

- Hello Consul.

Sorry I'm a little late but I made it.

- [Felix] Not such a pleasant story.

The boy can't adjust to his lot in life.

- What, what does he do?

- He's a crown prince.

In other words, the
Consul's one and only heir.

A tough job, all the
millions will go to him

once the old boy kicks
the bucket, poor devil.

- That girl he came in with,

is that is his wife?

- Yes, he deserves congratulations
for landing that one.

- Who is she?

- No idea.

Nobody seems to know where she's from,

or who she is.

- Hello Felix, give me
a vodka, I'm thirsty.

- Good evening, Astrid.

- How are you Angie?

- Just great.

Excuse me, let me introduce
my husband to you.

Alex, this is Astrid.

Do you know each other?

- I'm sorry, I don't recall.

- Here, you can use a stiff one.

- But it doesn't matter, really.

- Oh, excuse me, I'd
better go look after him.

- What's the story?

- What do you want to know?

- The gruesome details,
apparently you know each other.

- We met the way most
people do, on the job.

It was at a hotel.

We sat out our eight-hour day,

and I suppose waited for the
dream man to materialize.

We were sure he'd come
through the revolving door

and whisk us away to
some castle by the sea.

- Attention, Doctor Von Hoff
is requested to come to the--

- Yes sir, I understand
I've gotten it all down.

Your assessment's ready at four o'clock,

and you're expected in Zurich

at the Intercontinental at
five, that was all sir, yes.

Cessna Intercontinental,
my God, what a great life.

- What are you doing this evening?

- I've got an appointment
with the Shah of Persia.

My Cessna is all ready.

- Hotel Darlines.

- Good evening darling.

Please connect me with
room 250, Von Valstein.

- I'm sorry, Miss Von Valstein
isn't in the building.

- Oh no?

Take down my number, Angel.

Tell her that I can be contacted there

for the next half hour.

Alexander Carst, 30, 34, and 69,

like the French technique.

- Just a minute please.

He says 69, like the French technique.

What do you think of that?

- All men are bores.

- Just a moment, I've just
found a little note here.

Miss Von Valstein says
she can't make it tonight,

but sends her regards.

- That bitch, now what do I
with the evening I have planned?

Tell me, are you free tonight?

- You hear that?

He just asked me whether
I'm free this evening.

- Thank you.

- My girlfriend doesn't like the idea.

- Well then let her come to.

- He says to bring you too.

- Tell the desk, that you're a cab driver.

In a half hour, we'll
be off for the evening.

- I've wanted to try
that job for years now.

- You and your crazy ideas.

- Hotel Darlines.

Room 150?

I'll take care of it, thank you.

All these wake me up calls,
drive me straight up the wall.

- Hotel Darlinas.

(pop music)

- What kind of service is this?

- Looks more like a tank than a taxi.

- We telephoned for a taxi, is that you?

- Yes, please get in ladies.

Please, get in.

- Go on Angie.

- That's the best seat.

- Thanks.

- I hope the two of
you are not in a hurry.

- What do you think of him, Angie?

- He's a show off.

I guess he's stinking rich.

And he seems to think he's a lady-killer.

Not in my book, and if
this guy actually hopes

to have an orgy with us.

- Angie.

- Why do you think he's asked us

to go along with him tonight?

So we could hold his hand?

- Well, I find him
rather appealing though.

He hasn't tried to make a pass yet,

and he hasn't said anything suggestive.

And if we're sitting in
his bathtub right now,

it's your brilliant idea.

- I was freezing.

And sitting all day
working that switchboard

isn't the best way in
the world to keep clean.

- Hey it's no place like home.

For one thing, the drinks
you get are much better,

and a lot cheaper.

- You'll get a nice tip.

- I can't wait.

- He's an imbecile.

- An imbecile?

I think he's terribly cute,

the way he came in with blindfolded eyes.

- I think he's a moron, and that's that.

(pop music)

- Oh, my pajamas look
quite different on you.

- We're splitting now.

Astrid is working tomorrow morning,

and I've got to go too.

- Oh, isn't that a pity?

- Yes, it's been such fun.

- You can call him in
the afternoon, coming?

- All right, another time then.

I'll walk you to the elevator.

After you.

With these damn prehistoric elevators,

you've gotta wait almost a lifetime.

- I'll run on down and look for a taxi.

I'll wait for you downstairs, bye.

- Ciao.

- Just a moment please.

My girlfriend's coming too.

- Okay, no hurries.

Let's hope it's not
gonna take much longer.

I'd rather spend Christmas
at home with the family.

- Wait a minute, I'll have a look.

- Yeah, good idea.

(soft jazz music)

- It's a bit uncomfortable
in an elevator, isn't it?

- You ain't kidding.

- My gay bachelor's life was
getting to be a real drag.

- Why not do something about it then?

- Maybe I will, even today.

- I could handle the telephone for you.

- And handle me, too?

(gargling)

(spitting)

(grunting)

- Never saw Angie again,

I mean, not until this evening.

- Catch as catch can.

The best girl wins.

In other words, they
hoodwinked you completely.

- Yes.

- Yep, as for me dear,

I've got to water my duck.

Oh, we'll make a few more courtesy shots

and then take off, okay?

- Yes.

- May I, Madame?

Hold it.

Thank you.

- The audience wants to see
the real thing these days.

- May I, Madame?

Merci.

May I, Madame?

Head, a little more to
the right, fine fine.

Thank you.

May I, Madame?

Not now?

Having your period?

(laughing)

- Now listen to this, I've
got an even better one.

- Yes?

- Now a Gentleman comes
out of the ladies toilet,

he went in accidentally.

- A laugh a minute, our Consul Schmidts.

When he's in the mood, he can
entertain an entire battalion.

- Entire armies my dear Sardin.

- It's the individual that counts.

All right, shall we go?

- I'm staying a while.

- Well then, good luck.

- I'll start all over again.

A gentleman walks into a
ladies toilet accidentally.

- You sure it was an accident?

(laughing)

- Have fun.

- Thank you, I'll see you again.

- What's this Sardin, you leaving already?

- You won't believe this,

but I want to be among people.

- That's funny, very funny.

(jazz music)

- Felix.

Felix!

(upbeat jazz music)

- All righty, on the job already.

- Huh!

(jazz music)

- Hello, hi sweetheart.

I'm buying tonight.

- So what's the matter, Felix?

You in the shit again?

- Oh, right to here Susie.

Vodka, chief.

- Vodka?

- Yeah, you might as
well bring us the bottle.

- There you are.

Help yourself.

- Vodka still your favorite drink?

- It's honest.

Good honest vodka.

For the honest women of this world.

- Oh so you've been to another
one of those boring parties.

- Pass it down, sweetheart.

- You're in such a rotten mood.

- Yeah, let's have a little swig.

- It really does me good.

Yep, I breathe the fresh air once more.

- Didn't you pour that one--

- Cheers girls!

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- [Felix] Here's to ya!

- What does she want here?

- Aren't you out of your
element, sweetheart?

- Salvation Army's next door.

- She's a colleague, girls.

So be nice to her, will ya?

- Hey Felix, what kind
of competition is this?

- Go hit the sidewalk, the
stations, wherever you want.

But don't come here and ruin the market.

- She's not going to
undersell you, so don't worry.

She's got a nice bankroll tucked away.

- Oh you don't say?

- Or am I making a mistake?

She's working the best-paying
sidewalk in the world.

She became a millionairess overnight

in the liveliest and finest
brothel that ever existed,

the filthy gutter of marriage.

She has a devoted admirer.

What's more, you'd all give your eye teeth

to hook such a pigeon,
every last one of you.

You, you, you, Maggie, even you.

(laughing)

- It's no use getting angry.

The kid isn't worth this.

Let her go back to her money mattress.

- Haven't you understood yet?

She's running after me.

Because her old goat can't
get a hard-on anymore, right?

- Ah, the poor girl.

- But as they say,

no millionaire in the
world is so impotent,

that he can't crawl up to the altar.

You know,

Missus Michael Parrow, the Second.

This isn't any place for you, sweetheart.

Here, they sell only

nice clean sex, nice and pure,

instead of your cracked
wedding balls, I mean bells.

- [Woman] Now you're hitting
below the belt, Felix.

- Beautiful brassiere, huh?

Look at these golden tights.

How much am I bid for this beauty?

- Go get your union card punched.

(laughing)

- She doesn't have to get it punched,

because it gets punched
when he gets it up,

about once a month.

Marital obligations,

even a millionaire deserves
a little gratitude.

Vodka.

I want vodka, damn it.

- [Woman] Felix, you've
got a whole bottle.

- [Felix] I've got a whole, ah so I do.

(laughing)

- I won, I won.

- If I may be permitted
to say something sir?

If the Consul loses the game, once again,

I will gladly take his place.

- Wait a minute there, it's 50-50.

(laughing)

- Hah, I won that one.

- Where's my glass?

Oh, look at that, it's much too dry.

- Let's go where it's wet, then.

(soft piano music)

(Astrid laughing)

- All right, all right,
come here now James,

make it snappy.

- [Astrid] He's so funny.

- Well one does what one can.

- Come here, come here Astrid, please,

now you can't spend the
whole winter in the water.

- [Astrid] I can't go out.

I can't go out.

My panties got lost in
the water somewhere.

- Or else, James?

- Yes sir?

- What does a butler
in a well-run household

do when in such circumstances?

- Why, he helps the
lady put on her panties.

- Bravo.

Now you'll find the panties

on the floor of the swimming pool.

There they are, right there.

(laughing)

- Consul, I feel naked without my toupe.

- James, go down and do your duty.

- You're an extremely
restless lady if I may say so.

- I'm afraid James lacks
a certain experience.

James, now bring the lady
to the home to dry off.

Go on, hurry up.

- This is easier said than done, sir.

Please don't wiggle, Madame.

- [Consul] Go on, James.

(jazz flute music)

- What do you want?

I need you like a hole in the head.

Photo tests are tomorrow morning at 11.

Today is a day of rest.

- I tried, really I did.

- What?

- Well I did everything I could

to make a play for the Consul.

- What happened?

- Well first--

- Yes yes, I know,

the swimming pool.

The Consul is overwhelmingly original.

And you lost your panties?

And the swimming pool,
was it heated at least?

- Yes, but how did you know?

- You must be the 12th female
to fall for that number.

And then in the sauna,
the butler raced in,

on you and the old swine
and bounced all over you.

The word sauna must come from sow.

- I managed to break loose.

- Even outside my front door,
you can get on my nerves.

I'm tired, I want to hit the sack.

Alone.

- [Driver] What's it
gonna cost, sweetheart?

- 50 bucks.

- [Driver] Okay, get in.

- That's the end of that circus.

The orgy's over pal, shove off.

- [Driver] Okay, okay.

(crying)

- That was from papa,

to knock some sense into you.

Forget everything I told you.

It doesn't apply to you.

You'll be happy even as a secretary.

And you know something?

It's really wonderful knowing that

there are still girls like you.

Have a good trip.

(soft jazz music)