Swingers (2018) - full transcript

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I wanted to ask...

Go to hell!

Forgive me, Hunny Bunny...

Let's do it tomorrow.

I've been screwed again!

I'm going to fuck you all!

Scared, are you?

What the hell?

What the hell! Screwed up again...

Damn it!

- I'm home!
- Don't take your shoes off!



Why not?

You're going to take the garbage out!
Can't you see it?

How about I do it tomorrow?

I can push some more
into this garbage bin.

Listen, for a "pusher" like you,
two minutes will be enough

to take the garbage out.

I love you too, sweetheart!

My mother called again.

She keeps gasping for air at night.
When are you going to help her?!

- I'd help her out...
- What!?

How about tomorrow?

Tomorrow! It's always tomorrow with you!
Garbage -tomorrow. My mom - tomorrow.

You know, I have a lot of work to do.

I am fed up with your work.
What are you doing out there, huh?



Just a second, just a second.

I'm so done...

Just how I thought!

How long are you gonna fumble with it?

Oh my...

Madame, allow me to lay you
down on the sofa.

Come on, babe! Do it!
Fight back! Come on. That's right!

That's how I am!

Scream, babe, scream!

"Oh, kitten, what are you doing!?"

Now you'll know how a Khmelnytsky
unicorn can stab you!

Come on, babe, come on!
Fight back! I need it hard-core.

"Oh, my kitten, what are you doing?

Kitten! My kitten! Do it! Do it...
I am not like that! I'm not like that!"

Kitten!

So are you ready to see
something out of this world?

So...

What the hell is that?

It is my special unique design.
Pajamas with kitties.

I worked on this for a whole year.

You were drawing this crap
for a whole year? What for?

It's not crap!

It's an exclusive!
All my girlfriends love it.

And, by the way, I'm going to sell these
pajamas for a thousand dollars apiece.

Wait, wait, kitten.

I just wanted to prove to you
that I can do something by my little self.

I, also, by "my little self",
want to do something to you!

You only got one thing on your mind.

Let's better talk about my future chain
of pajama boutiques called "Kote"?

My cash going down the drain
again with your "Kote".

You know, I wanna see something
but my kitten isn't letting me.

- Come on, babe, let's go!
- No! Kitty!

Shitty!

Come on, come on, babe.

Hush. Just shut up.
Don't you say anything.

- I don't want to.
- I want to!

I want to so badly that I end up
jerking off in the toilet!

- Babe!
- First my boutiques!

What boutiques!? To hell with them!

What?!

Marshmallows again?

- This is for you...
- Ten marshmallows.

One for each year of our life together.

How symbolic!

This marshmallow symbolizes our life -

sickly-sweet, cheap, and bleak...

But you like it.

I liked it. I used to like it!

But after ten years,
I am sick to death of it.

I'm a woman. I want roses!

Listen, sorry. I had no money for roses.

I'll buy some. Tomorrow.

Of course, tomorrow.

But you've got the money for stupid toys.
I am so sick of all this crap!

At work, all these spineless jellyfish.
At home, you - a one molecule wonder.

But I am a woman!
I just want to let my hair down.

Do you understand me?

I perfectly understand.
If you are a woman,

then maybe you could prepare
a normal dinner for a change.

I am dying for some meat.

Ok, I will. Tomorrow.

Listen, are you sitting comfortably
enough? Nothing is bothering you?

No, nothing.

Aren't your little hands bothering you?

- What little hands?
- Those growing out of your ass!

When are you going to put up
the shelf in the hallway, ha?

Oh, you mean...

Oh, sorry, I forgot. Tomorrow. Right?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Why are you staring at me?
You think I'm sick?

I'm not your patient
to be looking at me like that.

Correct. You're not my patient.

I am a pulmonologist, not a psychiatrist.

Does my kitten want me?

You bet! Right away! I want you!

There's also of things I want...

Here.

Here... but I don't see anything.
Do you see anything?

- Babe, fuck, there's nothing there.
- Right here.

Bingo! But there should have been
something here ages ago.

Well, babe, things like that...
you have to earn them.

For now, I can't see you as my wife.

You can't see?

You can't see?

Well then buy yourself some new glasses!

Those were Gucci. Bitch!

A young she-wolf howled at the new moon

Come on!

Die...

Hey, what's up?! Ira!

- Andrew...
- What's up with you?

Knock - knock. Is anybody home?

It's me - your Minnie. Your Minnie Mouse.

And you, Mickey, why haven't you come
into my nook for three months?

Not again...

Why not? Come on, Andrew. Let's...

Oh, my! Hey, maybe your mouse is dead?

Let me give it
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation...

Don't! I beg you.
I get so tired at work.

You know,
there is a flu epidemic right now.

Maybe your mouse has been
hiding in other nooks?

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?! You used
to ride me for three hours! And now?

You also used to love marshmallows.
But you're sick of it after ten years.

My kitten!

I'll make everything better.

Ilona, Ilona...

The mood is spoiled,
the evening is fucked.

And now you're fondling me
with your claws.

Do you know how many
100% candidates I have here?

Tina the Blonde, Alyona from Vinnytsya,
Sveta Botox lips. Loads!

But I'm ready to take your microphone...

- and give you an interview.
- But I want to screw someone else.

Come on, please.
There's no need to screw anybody else.

You also want another guy.
You want it so badly it itches.

I don't want other guys!

I'm not talking about other guys!
Just about one guy. One!

I don't need another guy.
I only want you and nobody else.

Today is going to be a celebration.

Today we are going to "Swing".

Swing?

All my buddies have become swingers.

I am the only one left, like some loser.

I feel embarrassed in front of my pals.

But...

But I say "no"!

Did you fall off of a tall tree?

Holy shit! Your brain
is completely paralyzed!

Andrew... I'm horny.

I want it.

And if I want it, then you have to!
Have to! Have to!

Ira, I get so banged at work...

But I want you to get banged by me.

Andrew, tell me something, when did you
last have coffee and a cigarette?

What's that all about?

Because you have coffee
with a cigarette only after sex.

Or you used to.

Don't. I'm telling you... I am too tired.

Look at him! I'm also tired.
Do you know how hard I work?!

I get a mile-long line up every day,
everyone wants to travel visa-free.

- What do I have to do with it?
- You see, Andrew,

you've got that visa-free status,

but you keep failing
to enter my Schengen zone.

- I am tired...
- Come on, Andrew, you are a doctor.

You have to understand that people
need sex to maintain good health.

My health is bad. I told you.
I get so tired all the time...

You get tired, because you waste all your
time on this bloody computer

and these damn stupid games...

- What's with you?
- Come here!

I want you! I want you now!

Don't touch it. It's my only
window to the world!

I'm telling you... I'm telling you!

If you don't bang me right away...

I'll find another opportunity
in this "window to the world".

Hello!

Good evening...

Can you help me?

- What happened?
- Give me a pullover, please!

Seriously, what happened?

A pullover or a jacket.

Mine?

I don't give a damn.
You can give me yours!

One second.

Just be careful. It is very dear...
to me...

But seriously what happened?
Is something wrong with the door?

Something's wrong with men, to be honest...

Can you take me?

What do you mean?

Just take me to your apartment.

Ah! Yes, of course... but how?

Help me climb over.

OK!

Just in case, my mom's name
is Nina Mytrofanivna.

Tell her I loved her very much.

Careful!

What shall I tell your Daddy?
Just kidding!

Kitten!

Come on, kitten!

Ihor...

Come on, let's have fun at home.

Just you and me.

And you'll delete that stupid post
on the Internet.

By the way, where did you place it?

On "Classmates" social network,
may it rest in peace.

Come on, look over here...

Step away a bit...

Move.

You know, there is something in it...

There is money in it, actually...

You've only got money on your stupid mind.

But it's me who makes money here,
so that you can draw your idiotic cats.

But when I get a small tiny desire,

a straightforward little
half-inch male desire.

You turn your nose up
like some stuck-up dummy.

You might just have one little desire...

but there seem to be
too many participants.

Here's the deal. You have a choice:

either you go back to working
at the bazaar in your town of Khmelnytsky,

or you go forward

to your chain of "Kote" pajama boutiques.

As Julius Caesar once said,

"What is hell? Hell is having a choice..."

Look, try to understand...

Swinging is not adultery,
it's not humiliation.

It's just one of many forms of sex.

Mind-fucking is also a kind of sex.
Isn't that enough for you?

How funny! You should do stand-up comedy!

Wish you'd watch less
of this bullshit on TV.

If you want me to watch less of this
bullshit on TV, spend more time at home.

Wow! Look, what a nice couple!

They've been swinging for half a year.
They'll help us get into it.

Ira, I don't want anybody
to get "into" you.

But I've been dreaming of someone
finally getting "into" me.

- Because you can't!
- I can, but I don't want to.

Andrew, don't get freaked out.
It's not that bad.

According to the rules,
you can say "no" any moment.

Then I'm saying "no".

Right... give me the telephone.

Wait. What for?

- Give me the telephone.
- I won't, are you crazy?

- Andrew...
- Stop it!

- Andrew, give me the phone!
- Ira, come on!

I'd come... but who will make me?

My God! Hold on! Hold on!

It's ringing! Hush.

Unknown number!

It's 100% sure that it's about the post!

- We've got new friends!
- Let me take a look!

Just a sec. Here you are.

- Don't answer.
- Give it back to me!

Don't answer! Give it back, now!

- Don't answer.
- Don't ruin the evening.

You've already ruined my whole life.

It's been cut off... Thank God!

You see, the heavens themselves
won't let us do this folly.

They're not answering...

Hallelujah!

Where are you going?

I have to fix the shelf...

- What are you doing?
- Calling them back.

- You don't need to.
- Yes, I do.

- Please...
- I've begged you for a lot, too...

- Get off, I'm making the call, quiet!
- Don't call!

Wow!

Yes!

- Hi, you just called me.
- I did. It's about the post.

Yes...

I guess, you understand
which post I'm talking about...

I placed only one post...

Great... Could you, please, tell me,
you and your wife...

Stop being an asshole!

Hello? Do you have any plans for tonight?

Not yet.

Great! We don't, either.

Then perhaps we could plan something?

Let's... But there's one thing
that worries me, you know...

Just one question.

This is our first time...

And you've written that it's
the first time for you as well.

I'm just wondering whether
anything will come of it.

Something will come out of it,
and something will go in, too.

Oh, I do like that word.

Me too. So, then text me your address.

And we'll be at your place in an hour.

Wonderful! We're waiting.

I'm finished...

You're an idiot!

Pervert.

God bless my balls!

Get ready, let's get a move on!

- I am not going anywhere!
- Yes, you are!

You're out of your mind!

You know, you've done quite well
under this roof.

And do you know why you're still here?
Because I love you.

I love these legs so much...
so put Louboutins on them,

and we'll be on our way to adventure.

No! I am not going anywhere.

Oh... I am feeling such a rush.

It makes me feel horny when you hold out.

But not now.
Now you put on haute couture and giddy up!

No!

Really?

Get out then... Why are you staring at me?

Get out. You won't marry me.

Don't you get it? I can fuck all Kyiv,

and then Fastiv
and the outskirts of Zhytomyr for dessert.

Hasn't it ever
crossed your mind that a real wife...

I mean, a real wife

must stand by her man through
thick and thin, and the mating dance.

I don't want my man to bang other chicks.
It disgusts me!

It disgusts you?!

I'll tell you what disgusts me!

Your mother's green granny panties
hanging on our balcony!

Kitten, I'm begging you, calm down!

Should I tell you how my buddies' chicks

have pimped themselves
up just to be liked!

Size E boobs! They've pumped
so much silicone into their lips

they can't even see
their poor tits anymore!

And they've inflated their butts so much

that Nicki Minaj
is anorexic in comparison.

I can't even enlarge your bird-brain
because I love you.

I love you as you are. Believe me,
I don't wanna put you under a scalpel!

Better under a scalpel than under
some stinking unknown asshole!

Really?!

There you go.

What's this? Horilka?

No, it's not horilka.
It's much better than horilka.

Of course, for a Catwoman like you,
I could have offered some valerian

but I think this is of much better use.

One more?!

You betcha! So that the first one
doesn't feel lonely.

I'm Dennis, but you can just call me Den.

Sveta, but you can just call me Sweety.

I hope that at least you
won't leave me naked on the balcony

Don't get vengeful.
We must love everyone -

even thugs and villains...

Am I not disturbing you?

No, no... Just a second.

Tea, ma'am!

- Ouch! It's hot!
- It was intended.

I am such an idiot.

Yeah...

I believed every single word he said!

That he loved me, that he was
going to get divorced.

That he wanted me and no-one but me.

But then - bang! His wife comes back.

I'm in nothing but my panties.
And welcome to the balcony!

And while I was sitting naked
out there on the balcony,

he was banging, banging, banging her!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop it!

Enough, enough...

But right now I'm dreaming of just
one thing - when this son of a bitch

finishes fucking

and goes out on the balcony voila,
and there's nobody there!

Look, kitty, make up another
name for yourself.

Why don't you like "Ilona"?

I don't like when people are dumb.
They don't need to know our real names.

Ok... Let it be... Tania...

Hey, Tania, hunny! I'll fuck you, bunny!

Ira, I am totally against this idea.

Hey!

Sorry. Although, as my colleague,
a shrink, says,

"Look at the bright side even
in the most shameful moments."

What do you mean?

I mean, at least you've finally shaved
your armpits. Unfortunately, not for me.

- Listen, Ira.
- What?

Let's drop this idea, huh?

Look, wash your armpits -
you stink horribly!

Actually, it's the corpse
of our dead love that stinks so badly.

And brush your teeth.

To be honest, it feels like some strangers

are going to come and fuck me!

And me, too!

Oh, Lord!

My father told me: "Take a close
look at her mother, she'll be the same!"

- Don't touch my mom!
- Why not?

Why don't we invite her?
Then we'll be swinging!

- You're a moron!
- I absolutely agree with you!

By the way, put a clean shirt on.

- Ugh! This is a real cesspool!
- Come on! Let's go!

Do you really want to go
into this chlamydia shack?

Didn't you live in the same kind
of chlamydia shack in your Hickville?

In my hometown such places
were only in the downtown area!

Come on, downtown girl,
get out of the car.

I'm scared.

Don't fret, babe! It's adrenaline!

Holy shit! I'm so pumped!

You fool!

Andrew!

Andrew, come out!

Time to party!

Good evening.

- Peter... It's a pleasure to meet you,
- Ira.

- The pleasure is only going to get better!
- Oh, I hope so...

Ira.

Angela...

Please come in! My husband will
join us in a moment. Andrew!

Andrew!

Life is like toilet paper - grey, long,

and full of shit...

Here are some slippers! The colour
seems to match your clothes.

Thanks, but we'll just wander
around in our shoes.

Okay, let it be so.

And you are... not bad looking!

Thank you.

Get undressed.

What, already?!

No, I meant your coats.

Let me give you a hand...

Wow! So luxurious!

It's mink.

I prefer pussy!

This always happens.

This way, please! Andrew!

Andy!

What did you have for dinner?

Pay no attention, please.
Everything is okay.

Make yourself at home.

Move.

Don't stand there like a bump on a log.
You are not a timid mouse, are you?

Not much...

Plutarch, Seneca...

Nietzsche...

O-oh! Kuchma...

"Ukraine is not Russia",
They really love the classics.

Babe, I really feel at home here,

like at your mother's dump in Khmelnytsky!

What's wrong? Come on! Wake up! This is
going to be an unforgettable evening!

- Enough...
- Enough of what?

Intimate... Cool...

Is this you?

Yes, it's him with his classmates
from the medical college.

He doesn't even keep in touch
with them anymore.

Why haven't you thrown this rubbish away?

You've got quite the hairdo in this photo!

Like Michael Jackson when he was young!

I see you need a cork screw.
Let me give you a hand.

Screw?

I am a pro at screwing.

Such a cute kitty you've got!

Are you serious?

If you don't mind me asking,
is it valuable?

Valuable? You must be joking!
It's cheap as dirt.

Really?

Did you hear that, honey?

I can't believe it, Peter!

You know, it looks promising.

Thanks...

How did you come to swinging?

- It was my idea!
- Seriously?

Angela supported me! Right?

It's hard to say "no" to such
an influential businessman.

So, no-one has ever said "no" to you?

Well, sure there are those who said "no".

There were, let them rest in peace!

But, you know, I live by a principle...
Which are the best films?

Porno films!

Because everyone loves each other
and there is always a happy ending!

- I love happy endings!
- Oh, really?

- What does our macho man do?
- He is a doctor.

Seriously?!

A pulmonologist.

His specialization is the lungs.

So, if we feel unwell tonight
after our pumping and jumping,

our honoured doctor may give us
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

I really love it!

Hey, why do you live here,
and not in a luxury mansion?

Well.

Just the other day this one doctor
patched up the bullet holes

in one of our business
partners and we dumped

- a helluva lot of cash on him for it.
- He is a surgeon,

not a pulmonologist.

Oh! So, cash and lungs aren't friends.

The lungs, by the way,
are where the soul lives!

Do you really believe that?

The older he gets,
the more he believes it!

Guys, listen, why are we still
not on a first name basis?

Have we forgotten
what we're gonna do tonight?

We're not in court!

Let's drink to first names!

Great toast.

To Andrew! Irina! Ilona!
Oh, my Lord! Angela!

Damn, there are so many chicks
running around here...

To those, who are now
on a first name basis!

To us, who are now on a first name basis!

Hurray!

To first names! To us!

Hey, babe, what the hell are you doing?
You'll mess up my "Brioni".

I'll mess up and then I'll iron it out.

What's up?

I'm going to have a smoke.

Go and have a smoke.

Are you crazy? Why?

Take it off! Now!

- Just tell me... do I look good in it?
- Not bad. Take it off!

Will you buy me one?

- Come on, take it off...
- Will you buy it?

When are you gonna buy me one?
When? When?!

Well... tomorrow...

Ah... tomorrow...

Look out!

Nice color.

What?

I am talking about your nails.

Ah, I see... I like it, too.

Your feet are cold.
I'll get you some socks.

Thank you.

You have nice photographs!

It all depends on the correct pose.

Are you a photo model?

No, I am an actor.

A future actor, actually...

I'm in my final year.

You are an aesthete. It shows.

Everything in your apartment is stylish.

Nice, nice!

I like it too.

Did your father give you this place?

Uh-huh... My "daddy".

Socks, ma'am!

Not only did you save my life,

lend me an ear and understood me,

you even have two identical socks...

Let's go. I'll show you
where you can get changed.

Are you sure that I'm not bothering you?

Shit!

Den, I can leave, right now!

No, no, it's not about you.

Is it your girlfriend,
messaging you like crazy?

No.

- I'm 100% certain it's your girlfriend.
- Look, I don't have a girlfriend!

OK!

"Go fuck yourself!"

So, how do I look?

Is that you?

So, are we going to knock over a mare?

What do you mean?

Shall we stick it in the mouth
until it starts to smoke?

To whom?

I mean a drop of nicotine and a horse.

The Cossack rides and rides...

Jesus, relax! Are we going to smoke?

Oh, I see...

Do you have an ashtray
or do you flick it in a can?

I've got an ashtray.

Damn! And I thought
you wacked off in a can!

No, I don't fucking need it.

Everything I need, I carry with me.

Ah, vape - all the rage now.

Uh-huh. Listen, did they call you
to that political demonstration?

- Which one?
- You don't know?

Some bums were running around
the Parliament with the words

"We won't let cigarette butts
disappear!" written on their asses!

Nope... You know what I heard?

First, vape, then non-alcoholic beer
and then you end up

with an inflatable woman.

Hey, what's up, doc?

I see, you don't smoke too often, do you?

Yeah, not too often.

I used to smoke two packs a day.

Then switched to this.

Two packs?

Then I can tell you, as a doctor,
that your swinging days are numbered.

Why's that?

Your Leaning Tower of Pisa
is going to fall.

Unlike the real one, of course.

You're quite something, monologist!

Pulmonologist!

Was it your chic who wanted to swing?

You only understood that now?

So, it ends up that the one who has
a problem with potency is you, not me!

You can ask your woman later,

who got a problem with potency,
if she lasts that long!

Easy! Easy! Stop getting so worked up!

I like you, pulmonologist!

You rock, man! What a pulmonologist!

Does all this turn on your wife?

It's dough that turns her on.

Just so that you know, this night
costs me a chain of pajama boutiques.

- How's that?
- How? Half a million dollars is how!

Holy shit! She's got quite the needs.
So she didn't want to come here?

She did. She basically wants
everything that I want.

And, by the way,

she is not my wife.

So, you aren't married?

No, but she wants it so bad,
she's dying for it!

And how exactly does she "want it"?
Well... you get my drift?

You don't waste time, do you, doc?!

She likes "daddies".

She loves feeling like a guilty girl.

She always wants to be punished, you see.

She adores brutal power. She loves

being taken by the mane
and when her head hits a table...

And then you pull up her skirt, and
she is so wet and ready.

And you take out your dick,
so big and stiffy!

Who would have thought!

And then comes the moment...

What moment?

Don't worry, with you it won't come...

- Why's that?
- Because she won't sleep with you.

She's all mine!

Now you tell me what turns yours on?

- Mine?
- Well.

Yeah. She'll show you herself.

Oh! Listen, doc, I'm getting
such a rush from all of this!

I can barely control myself! It isn't
like making up business schemes,

this is serious stuff!

So, you don't only work use mouth,
you use your head as well?

- Actually, I'm a philosopher.
- No way!

Let's take such a philosophical question
as toilet paper, for instance...

- So?
- So...

Actually, it's not only used in the toilet
but also in forests, fields, you name it.

The paper is not intended for the toilet,

but for the ass.

Paper for shitting.

Therefore, it must be
called "shitting paper".

Or, take the word " debil".

The "de" part is understood.
"De" is a fine Ukrainian word.

But what about "Bill"? Who is that?
A Brit? An American? I don't know him.

We have our own wonderful names

like, "Vasyl".
Well, you understand, right?

I understand.

I look at you and I understand:

"deVasyl".

Hey, but...

Denny, I want to drink a toast to you...

- Actually... to all men of art of city...
- Streets?!

Theatres!

You know, Den,

today I met

a true matador.

And who did you meet before?

Just bulls!

The third toast is to women...

I want you to know that good luck
can enter your home

not only through the front door

but also through the balcony.

Let's dance... to get things started?

With pleasure.

Ouch! Something just scratched me.

It must've been my kitty cat.

I hope its owner also loves

showing her kitty claws in bed!

Maybe...

- Do you know what?
- What?

I really love something in your apartment.

Really? What exactly?

Your breasts!

- They are like a car battery.
- Oh, yes...

They turn me on!

Angela! Listen, don't sit around!
Get to work.

Andrew feels like dancing.
Look how excited he is.

He can't wait. Come on, do something!

Oh my, I'm so sorry, I hit you
quite hard on the stomach.

It was a bit lower, actually.

But it turns me on! What is it, huh?

Don't be a dumb ass! You are not a boxer!

"For water to become warm,
it must be heated".

And when are we going to finally,
you know...

Oh! I suggest we play this one game...

Great! Let's play "spin the bottle"!

Bottle's great! What do you mean
"spin the bottle"?

Don't you know?! You spin it

and you kiss the person

the bottleneck points at.

Let's play "spin the bottle"!

Andrew! Do you all agree?

Do you all agree?

Andrew!

- Andy, raise your hands!
- All agreed! Let's sit down!

What's wrong, old man?!

Let's sit down! Let's sit down!

Here you are. Just don't forget to say:

"a spin of the bottle shall

show the one who I shall kiss!"

How did you say it?

May this bottle show
who I'm gonna screw tonight!

I've always had a talent at gambling

but today I've hit the jackpot!

OK, now it's my turn to spin.

Come on! Come on!
The same rule for everyone!

Now you spin.

I hit the jackpot already.

Ok, babe, chop, chop!

Go ahead and spin!

Come on! Come on!
The same rule for everyone!

No, I can't! I haven't drank that much...

Come on, Andrew!

Come on! We're joining Gay Europe!

- It's not fair!
- I'll wipe the floor with you! Come here!

I won't, I tell you!

There's no such rule that can't be bent!

Let's trade places.

Andrew is as naive as Karl Marx.

Andrew, you spin!

- Me?
- Come on!

Hey, Andrew!

Andrew! What the hell?!

Don't disturb them...

- Andrew, that's enough!
- Come on, come on. Kiss!

Andrew!

Andy! Andy, your hand!

Andrew!

You like it, don't you!

Yes, I like it!

Got it, Andy? She likes it!

Kitten, I love you.

I love you too.

Andrew, can you hear me? I love you!

- Uh-huh?
- Do you hear?

- Your heart's beating so wildly!
- Yeah...

- What's up? Scared?
- No, I'm not scared at all!

- Kiss her, Andy!
- Me?

- No, her.
- Her?

Lip bang her so that
her dental fillings fly off!

Come on! Come on! Come on, brother!

Do you like looking at this?

Yes, I like looking at this!

Andrew! Andrew!

I want you right now!

- Me? Right now?
- You bet!

Why don't we turn the lights off?

Why should we turn off the lights?

It is pleasant in dark places.

Ah, you're already over there.

Just sit there.

To hell with intimacy! Turn the lights on!

Fuck, do you think I came here to fuck
the armrest with my head?!

Ouch... Where's my bedroom?

- Over there.
- Over there.

Andrew!

Andrew!

- I...
- What?

I never...

Are you shy?

It's fate.

I am off to the bathroom... one sec.

Please hurry.

Go fuck yourself?!

Go fuck yourself... Right?

I'll show you who's going to get fucked!

If you, noblemen, were to know
what the common folk do at night.

Wait, this is the bedroom, right?

Yes. For God's sake!

Wait! I am not ready yet. I feel awkward.

Don't be like a child!

Actually, I didn't want this.

Look at those boobs! Pamela Anderson!

- Oh, my God! Don't climb up on me!
- You wanna be on top? Right?

I don't want you at all! Andrew!

Andrew!

- Wow! These are some serious melons!
- Where?

Boy, do I want to feel them!

- Who? My breasts?
- What breasts?! These are watermelons!

Stop!

What the hell is this?

I told you I am not ready yet!

- Doors are opening!
- Oh God!

Next station
is Beaver Creek via Mouthville...

Oh, my God! How embarrassing!

How awesome!

- I don't want to.
- You do. I know you do!

- Look, I feel awkward... Bug off!
- You are awesome, both modest and lustful!

Stop taking your clothes off!

Both strong and weak... Amy Winehouse...

and Taras Shevchenko in one!

Don't take your pants off!
I'm begging you!

Oh my God!

You see now that when I say
"below the belt",

I'm not joking.

- What was that?
- Probably a UFO.

This way...

Oh! I remember this bunny. It used
to stand in your granny's cupboard.

Yeah...

Now granny's standing in the cupboard.

How's her arthritis?

Thank goodness it's fine.

Doesn't bother her any longer. She died.

My God! How sad!

Irina, if you don't mind me asking,
what are you doing?

Mating dance.

- What?
- Mating dance, I said!

Ah! I thought it was some voodoo ritual!

Actually, your version of striptease!

What bloody striptease!

What, you don't give a shit at all?

I'm telling you, look me in the eyes,
not at my breasts!

You don't care what they're doing there?

Asshole!

Come on, babe...

Tame my Mickey Mouse
like Walt Disney in the 1930s.

Come on, spank me.
Ouch! It hurts so badly!

I'm thirty years old.

I'm an English teacher.

I live alone with four cats.

I manage to earn myself a living,

and my cats, too.

My yoga teacher says,

I must listen to my inner self.

Well, I've been listening to myself since
I was 14, but hear bloody nothing!

But today I feel that we are
getting closer to Zen.

And while I was on that balcony,

I could see that the stars were aligning...

So we must make love,

make kids, and be happy!

Yeah, and we are doing it now,

and everybody is doing it...

And we deserve it...

Because that's how it's turned out.

That's how it is, more or less.

Why did you not tell them
we know each other?

And you?

What, am I nuts?

Tell me, did you know
you were going to my place?

Are you nuts?

Haven't heard this voice for ten years...

Almost eleven...

That's crazy!

When I saw you in my apartment,

I thought I was going
to have a heart attack!

The same with me.

The same emotions as before,

when you didn't show up to the wedding.

Hold on... was it because of this moron?

Well, actually, yes...

But he's totally crazy!

A total idiot!

Yes, an idiot,

who is on the "Forbes" list.

Forgive me... Sunshine.

Lost my temper a bit.

Bitch!

Know what, I really want to have kids.
And you?

Me too. Yes...

That's great!

It's horrible! It's so horrible
to wear a mask all your life,

pretending to be someone else...

But you're an actor.

True, but you see, I always wanted
to be who I am.

And who are you?

- I don't know, I've never been...
- Never been where?

Not "where" but "who with". I am...

Shit! For never was a story of more woe!

Puppy...

I want to apologize.

- So do I.
- I am a complete idiot!

Me too. I am so sorry!

This is...

A sign of our new life together.

- To live anew...
- What?

I said you've got a truly refined taste!

Flowers as always...

And wine, your favorite one...

Look, I work so hard...

- and I don't know...
- What don't you know?

What you're up to while I am at work?

- What I'm up to?
- Yes, what are you up to!?

Me? Waiting for you, puppy.

I want to know whether you forgive me?

I forgive you. Everything is fine.

You're on your knees!

It's OK. I've become used to it.

Come on, get up.

Tut-tut... Den...

Why is everything scattered around?

Uh, I don't know...
Maybe the wind blew it over.

A strong wind!

Puppy, why don't we go for a walk?

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I just wanna go for a walk.

Just the two of us? In Kyiv, at night?

Why don't you suggest that people like us
go for a walk around Lviv in the evening?

It would be better if you
poured me my wine.

Why on earth are you fussing around,

trying to go out somewhere?

I just want to take a walk.

You're talking nonsense...

You know how such bottles are
made by glass-blowers?

Let me show you.

Dennis, what was that?

The wind!

Let's take a walk...

Dennis, you're not going to fool me.

This ichthyologist of yours
gave me the evil eye...

Leaning Tower of Pisa,
Leaning Tower of Pisa...

You think it's because of me?

Who else? Is there anybody else in here?

What about my car batteries?

Don't they turn you on any longer?

No, babe, everything's okay with them.
It's not them...

Then what?

I know, it's because
of my big belly and fat hips!

You pressure me too much!

You keep ordering me around all the time.
I've got to rule the roost here.

I control the mission computer!
I drive the main harvester!

- I'm pressuring you?!
- Of course!

Why are you freaking out?

I'm having a panic attack!

What?

- A panic attack!
- I don't understand your terminology!

You don't want me!
My husband doesn't want me!

Nobody wants me! What's wrong with me?

Come on, say something! Distract me!
Say something! Blurt something out!

I... I don't know...

What exactly should I say?

Anything! Just distract me!

God! Well, I heard that Ukraine is
a great country for foreign investments.

My buddy Zbyshek from Poland
threw 20 million bucks into a factory.

Then some tough guys showed up...

What!?

Yeah! They grabbed
the factory and retired the owner.

You're talking bullshit.
Tell me something about yourself

or your bitch!

About Ilona? I mean, Angela?
Yeah, about Angela.

She was born in Kmelnytsky.
Studied at medical college.

- Well?
- Sold fake sneakers at the bazaar.

- And then?
- Then...

She dropped out of college
and quit the sneaker bazaar,

because she met a beau
driving a white "Mercedes".

What did you just say?

Sold fake sneakers in Kmelnytsky...

No, no, before that... what did you say?

Before the fake sneakers I said
she studied at med college...

She had a big love,
but she left him because of...

Fucking bitch!

What a slithering snake!

- Listen, babe, watch your tongue!
- How old is your bitch?

- I don't know, I never asked...
- When was she born?

I don't know... eighty-three,
eighty-five, give or take.

They know each other...

- What? Who?
- Med college...

Kmelnytsky. Andrew is from Kmelnytsky.
So is she.

They studied together.
She's his first love.

But she broke up with him
because of some rich prick.

And that prick is you!

- Aha!
- My God!

That's why he put on that clean shirt.

That's why he sprayed
himself with cologne!

Babe, take it easy.

Goodness gracious!

They planned all of this.

And we are just two morons.

Hey, let's take a walk to the hospital?

I got it!

Let's go to a club... to "Lipstick"!

The stars are transparent above
Are you sleepy or not?

A young she-wolf howled at the new moon

- Edward!
- Don't...

- Edward!
- Don't!

Please meet Sveta.
I found her on the balcony.

She's our neighbor's lover.
Can you believe it!

She spent an entire hour
naked on the balcony, freezing.

So, I decided to...

- Warm her up?
- Yes!

And nothing else!

Edward! Are you okay?

Come on, help me,
don't you see, he's feeling sick!

Don't you dare!

One second. One second. Careful.

A bit further. Careful, careful.

You're not serious about
running away together?!

Why not? I'm serious.

I think that's our chance.

And it wasn't an accident
that we met after so many years!

It's a sign of fate!

Sign of shit! Where to?

Where can you offer me to run away to?

Wherever you want!

Wherever I want!?

OK, to the Maldives then.

Have you shit your pants?

Look, your "fate" will not let you go
further than the shithole you live in.

Or maybe you want me to die
on this Soviet furniture?

I will buy different furniture!

If you want, you can die
on Italian furniture!

I just mean that everything
is in our hands, Ilona.

The only thing that can possibly be

in the hands of a pulmonologist
is some shitty stethoscope!

That really hurt!

Listen, Ilona,
I saw the fire in your eyes.

Just like it was before.

Who do you think you are?

An eye doctor?!

I had sex with you just because
of stupid nostalgia!

And back then?

Back then...

I loved you.

But even back then I didn't want to live
like my impoverished parents

and eat potato salad on special occasions.

Every day I want to stuff my
face with lobsters

and foie gras and vomit turtle soup.

I want expensive and exclusive things
to surround me, because now

I myself am expensive and exclusive.
Got that?

So, you don't believe in love?

Yes, I do! Why not?

But you can't spread your love on bread.

And I see that you still
haven't understood this.

So, you live with that idiot for money?

Yes! What else do I need!?

But he is a piece of shit!

That shit just told me in the kitchen
how he got you

into all of this for some boutiques.

How you are dying wanting to marry him.

He's an imbecile!

A complete moron! He was teaching me

the best way to bang you!

Oh! So, that's why it went so well!

No, it went well because
we didn't sleep for money.

That was a mistake!

Oh, so sometimes you offer charity?

Look, darling, we just had sex,

sex and nothing but sex!

But it was so good between us!

The key word here is "was"!

What happened to you, tell me?

What happened to me?

Look at you! You're a loser!

And your fat stupid cow
in hair curlers is just like you!

You know what, that amorous
little girl in Khmelnytsky

died a long time ago.

Forget about her.

You could never possibly be with someone
like me: a secular lioness.

Don't touch me!

Wait... wait!

Andrew!

Andrew! Open the door!

Jesus!

What have you become?!

Edward!

Oh, Dennis!

Look, I am afraid you got all this wrong!

What exactly?

- You... and he?
- Yes!

So, how could I've misunderstood this?

You see, you already got everything wrong.

She was naked right from the start!

But that's no reason to drag her into bed.

How could you?! With a woman!

I just wanted to see what it's like?!

Wanted to try?

Didn't I tell you how it was with Marina,

Catherine, Alexandra, Svetlana...

Don't tar everyone with the same brush!

Shut up, for God's sake!

I would've understood if I'd found

some... Arnold in your bed!

It happens...

But her?! Well... So how was it?

Nothing special!

Nothing special?!

Don't touch him!

- We tried it a bit...
- A bit?!

Leave him alone!

Hardly had I sent you a couple of hasty
messages when you, swine,

jumped on the first balcony whore!

Whore?!

Don't you dare!

Eddie, puppy, calm down!

What?!

You call him "puppy"?!

Don't disturb the men
when they are talking!

Whore!

How could you?!

You brought "this"
to the apartment I rent for you?

It was just a coincidence
which grew into an experiment.

Tell him that you were an experiment!

What bloody experiment?!

We had sex!

The experiment says you had sex!

Don't listen to her!

We had magical, breathtaking sex!

Ah, so you had sex!

Yes, we had sex!

And I'm going to fight
to the end for my happiness!

Me too.

Andrew!

Do you understand?
They locked the door!

Do you know what they're doing in there?

What can your four-eyed loser be doing?

Use your brain!

They just picked out
the right time to fuck.

Bullshit! What are you talking about?

It's not bullshit,
it's a sexual conspiracy!

You're sick in the head!

I'm going to... I'm going fuck you all!

All of you!

Open the door!

Shut your face!

Ah... the fur coat...

This cheap fucking fur coat
from a second-hand sale...

You bitch! You fucking bitch!

Come, put your shitty fur coat on!

Bitch!

Hey guys! Look at me swinging!

Crazy shit!

You whore!

Come on out, slut!

Now your fur's gonna warm you even better!

Here!

That's badass!

Holy shit!

Moron.

So, you know each other.

Hey whore, how does it feel
to sleep with your first love?

Andy, did you like it, huh?

Did you guys do it?

Are you nuts?

I told you she won't sleep with you...

Keep it...

Bitch...

Idiots!

It was a hell of an evening!

Look, but I don't quite get it.
Did it suck or did it rock?

Thank you!

Tomorrow I'm going
to tell my boys in the sauna about it.

They won't believe it!

You...

You are always throwing
this apartment in his face.

But just take a look
at it! It's a fairy tale!

Everything is perfect!

Everything is in its place.

Clean and tidy!

And it's all thanks to him, not you.

Actually, it's the first time
that I met such a man.

I understand why you won't let him go!

I won't let him go, because he's gay!

In case you haven't noticed
we've been together for two years now.

Why did he sleep with me then?

That really is a good question.

So, why is it you slept with her?

Because he wants to have children!

And only a woman can give him children.

Are you out of your mind?

But you said that yourself, sweetie!
Don't you remember?!

Wait a sec.

You talked about kids?

Let him go!

So, this is how you did it?
Now you like it this way, do you?

Yes, I do!

And I don't like it with you,

because you are insane!

Sick in the head!
You're a fucking fetishist!

You can't even get a hard on
unless I dress up like a matador,

or a Red Riding Hood,

you make me live in an apartment
surrounded by my portraits.

This place is like a museum for you,
where I work as a watchman,

a janitor and an exhibit!

Your work as my Producer

doesn't get me further than your bed.

Look at yourself!
Who have you turned into?

You are a freak!

I even wash your underpants and socks,
not to mention the spoons,

that must be set exactly side by side!

You are not just a pansy.

You are a pedantic faggot.

You pick on women, but you, bitch,
are 300 times worse than them!

Do you know how that hurts?

I'm going outside to have a smoke.

It's exactly the time you have
to make up your mind.

Option A:

you kick her out
and we pretend nothing has happened.

Option B: you disappear from my life,

and from this apartment, forever.

It's you that ruined everything.

Double-assed freak.

Did you sleep with him?

- What?
- Don't be dumb.

- Don't shit with me! Did you fuck?
- Of course not, kitten!

Nor did we!

Pretty weird feeling. Didn't screw
anyone, but I still feel quite satisfied.

I told you it wasn't worth coming here.

It was worth it!

Now I trust you.

I know you are my lady
and you'll never betray me.

And I want you.

And I want a chain
of "Kote" pajama boutiques!

Relax, you'll have them.

And no more swinging!

Here!

Is this what I think it is, kitten?

God, I can't believe it!

And what? This means "yes"?

"Yes"?

Oh, Lord, what a beauty!

I didn't sleep with him...

Andrew, do you hear me?
I didn't sleep with him.

And you?

I know that you didn't either.

You didn't sleep with her, did you?

No, you didn't.

Jesus, am I so stupid! Do you understand?

You live with a complete imbecile!

But you're also quite something!

Why didn't you stop me?
Why the hell did we do it?

Because you're a spineless jellyfish!

Your hands grow out of your ass!

The money you make is barely enough
to buy your stupid toy cars.

Even that moron, Peter,

bought this fur coat for his bitch.

By the way, you also promised me one...

Andrew, you promised to buy me...

Why again? Why me again?

Fuck!

Aren't you going to get sick?

Are you gay?

Me?! No! No way!

Married?

I'm not sure anymore...