Swingers (2018) - full transcript

I wanted to ask...

Go to hell!

Forgive me, Hunny Bunny...

Let's do it tomorrow.

I've been screwed again!

I'm going to fuck you all!

Scared, are you?

What the hell?

What the hell! Screwed up again...

Damn it!

- I'm home!

- Don't take your shoes off!

Why not?

You're going to take the garbage out!

Can't you see it?

How about I do it tomorrow?

I can push some more

into this garbage bin.

Listen, for a "pusher" like you,

two minutes will be enough

to take the garbage out.

I love you too, sweetheart!

My mother called again.

She keeps gasping for air at night.

When are you going to help her?!

- I'd help her out...

- What!?

How about tomorrow?

Tomorrow! It's always tomorrow with you!

Garbage -tomorrow. My mom - tomorrow.

You know, I have a lot of work to do.

I am fed up with your work.

What are you doing out there, huh?

Just a second, just a second.

I'm so done...

Just how I thought!

How long are you gonna fumble with it?

Oh my...

Madame, allow me to lay you

down on the sofa.

Come on, babe! Do it!

Fight back! Come on. That's right!

That's how I am!

Scream, babe, scream!

"Oh, kitten, what are you doing!?"

Now you'll know how a Khmelnytsky

unicorn can stab you!

Come on, babe, come on!

Fight back! I need it hard-core.

"Oh, my kitten, what are you doing?

Kitten! My kitten! Do it! Do it...

I am not like that! I'm not like that!"

Kitten!

So are you ready to see

something out of this world?

So...

What the hell is that?

It is my special unique design.

Pajamas with kitties.

I worked on this for a whole year.

You were drawing this crap

for a whole year? What for?

It's not crap!

It's an exclusive!

All my girlfriends love it.

And, by the way, I'm going to sell these

pajamas for a thousand dollars apiece.

Wait, wait, kitten.

I just wanted to prove to you

that I can do something by my little self.

I, also, by "my little self",

want to do something to you!

You only got one thing on your mind.

Let's better talk about my future chain

of pajama boutiques called "Kote"?

My cash going down the drain

again with your "Kote".

You know, I wanna see something

but my kitten isn't letting me.

- Come on, babe, let's go!

- No! Kitty!

Shitty!

Come on, come on, babe.

Hush. Just shut up.

Don't you say anything.

- I don't want to.

- I want to!

I want to so badly that I end up

jerking off in the toilet!

- Babe!

- First my boutiques!

What boutiques!? To hell with them!

What?!

Marshmallows again?

- This is for you...

- Ten marshmallows.

One for each year of our life together.

How symbolic!

This marshmallow symbolizes our life -

sickly-sweet, cheap, and bleak...

But you like it.

I liked it. I used to like it!

But after ten years,

I am sick to death of it.

I'm a woman. I want roses!

Listen, sorry. I had no money for roses.

I'll buy some. Tomorrow.

Of course, tomorrow.

But you've got the money for stupid toys.

I am so sick of all this crap!

At work, all these spineless jellyfish.

At home, you - a one molecule wonder.

But I am a woman!

I just want to let my hair down.

Do you understand me?

I perfectly understand.

If you are a woman,

then maybe you could prepare

a normal dinner for a change.

I am dying for some meat.

Ok, I will. Tomorrow.

Listen, are you sitting comfortably

enough? Nothing is bothering you?

No, nothing.

Aren't your little hands bothering you?

- What little hands?

- Those growing out of your ass!

When are you going to put up

the shelf in the hallway, ha?

Oh, you mean...

Oh, sorry, I forgot. Tomorrow. Right?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Why are you staring at me?

You think I'm sick?

I'm not your patient

to be looking at me like that.

Correct. You're not my patient.

I am a pulmonologist, not a psychiatrist.

Does my kitten want me?

You bet! Right away! I want you!

There's also of things I want...

Here.

Here... but I don't see anything.

Do you see anything?

- Babe, fuck, there's nothing there.

- Right here.

Bingo! But there should have been

something here ages ago.

Well, babe, things like that...

you have to earn them.

For now, I can't see you as my wife.

You can't see?

You can't see?

Well then buy yourself some new glasses!

Those were Gucci. Bitch!

A young she-wolf howled at the new moon

Come on!

Die...

Hey, what's up?! Ira!

- Andrew...

- What's up with you?

Knock - knock. Is anybody home?

It's me - your Minnie. Your Minnie Mouse.

And you, Mickey, why haven't you come

into my nook for three months?

Not again...

Why not? Come on, Andrew. Let's...

Oh, my! Hey, maybe your mouse is dead?

Let me give it

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation...

Don't! I beg you.

I get so tired at work.

You know,

there is a flu epidemic right now.

Maybe your mouse has been

hiding in other nooks?

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?! You used

to ride me for three hours! And now?

You also used to love marshmallows.

But you're sick of it after ten years.

My kitten!

I'll make everything better.

Ilona, Ilona...

The mood is spoiled,

the evening is fucked.

And now you're fondling me

with your claws.

Do you know how many

100% candidates I have here?

Tina the Blonde, Alyona from Vinnytsya,

Sveta Botox lips. Loads!

But I'm ready to take your microphone...

- and give you an interview.

- But I want to screw someone else.

Come on, please.

There's no need to screw anybody else.

You also want another guy.

You want it so badly it itches.

I don't want other guys!

I'm not talking about other guys!

Just about one guy. One!

I don't need another guy.

I only want you and nobody else.

Today is going to be a celebration.

Today we are going to "Swing".

Swing?

All my buddies have become swingers.

I am the only one left, like some loser.

I feel embarrassed in front of my pals.

But...

But I say "no"!

Did you fall off of a tall tree?

Holy shit! Your brain

is completely paralyzed!

Andrew... I'm horny.

I want it.

And if I want it, then you have to!

Have to! Have to!

Ira, I get so banged at work...

But I want you to get banged by me.

Andrew, tell me something, when did you

last have coffee and a cigarette?

What's that all about?

Because you have coffee

with a cigarette only after sex.

Or you used to.

Don't. I'm telling you... I am too tired.

Look at him! I'm also tired.

Do you know how hard I work?!

I get a mile-long line up every day,

everyone wants to travel visa-free.

- What do I have to do with it?

- You see, Andrew,

you've got that visa-free status,

but you keep failing

to enter my Schengen zone.

- I am tired...

- Come on, Andrew, you are a doctor.

You have to understand that people

need sex to maintain good health.

My health is bad. I told you.

I get so tired all the time...

You get tired, because you waste all your

time on this bloody computer

and these damn stupid games...

- What's with you?

- Come here!

I want you! I want you now!

Don't touch it. It's my only

window to the world!

I'm telling you... I'm telling you!

If you don't bang me right away...

I'll find another opportunity

in this "window to the world".

Hello!

Good evening...

Can you help me?

- What happened?

- Give me a pullover, please!

Seriously, what happened?

A pullover or a jacket.

Mine?

I don't give a damn.

You can give me yours!

One second.

Just be careful. It is very dear...

to me...

But seriously what happened?

Is something wrong with the door?

Something's wrong with men, to be honest...

Can you take me?

What do you mean?

Just take me to your apartment.

Ah! Yes, of course... but how?

Help me climb over.

OK!

Just in case, my mom's name

is Nina Mytrofanivna.

Tell her I loved her very much.

Careful!

What shall I tell your Daddy?

Just kidding!

Kitten!

Come on, kitten!

Ihor...

Come on, let's have fun at home.

Just you and me.

And you'll delete that stupid post

on the Internet.

By the way, where did you place it?

On "Classmates" social network,

may it rest in peace.

Come on, look over here...

Step away a bit...

Move.

You know, there is something in it...

There is money in it, actually...

You've only got money on your stupid mind.

But it's me who makes money here,

so that you can draw your idiotic cats.

But when I get a small tiny desire,

a straightforward little

half-inch male desire.

You turn your nose up

like some stuck-up dummy.

You might just have one little desire...

but there seem to be

too many participants.

Here's the deal. You have a choice:

either you go back to working

at the bazaar in your town of Khmelnytsky,

or you go forward

to your chain of "Kote" pajama boutiques.

As Julius Caesar once said,

"What is hell? Hell is having a choice..."

Look, try to understand...

Swinging is not adultery,

it's not humiliation.

It's just one of many forms of sex.

Mind-fucking is also a kind of sex.

Isn't that enough for you?

How funny! You should do stand-up comedy!

Wish you'd watch less

of this bullshit on TV.

If you want me to watch less of this

bullshit on TV, spend more time at home.

Wow! Look, what a nice couple!

They've been swinging for half a year.

They'll help us get into it.

Ira, I don't want anybody

to get "into" you.

But I've been dreaming of someone

finally getting "into" me.

- Because you can't!

- I can, but I don't want to.

Andrew, don't get freaked out.

It's not that bad.

According to the rules,

you can say "no" any moment.

Then I'm saying "no".

Right... give me the telephone.

Wait. What for?

- Give me the telephone.

- I won't, are you crazy?

- Andrew...

- Stop it!

- Andrew, give me the phone!

- Ira, come on!

I'd come... but who will make me?

My God! Hold on! Hold on!

It's ringing! Hush.

Unknown number!

It's 100% sure that it's about the post!

- We've got new friends!

- Let me take a look!

Just a sec. Here you are.

- Don't answer.

- Give it back to me!

Don't answer! Give it back, now!

- Don't answer.

- Don't ruin the evening.

You've already ruined my whole life.

It's been cut off... Thank God!

You see, the heavens themselves

won't let us do this folly.

They're not answering...

Hallelujah!

Where are you going?

I have to fix the shelf...

- What are you doing?

- Calling them back.

- You don't need to.

- Yes, I do.

- Please...

- I've begged you for a lot, too...

- Get off, I'm making the call, quiet!

- Don't call!

Wow!

Yes!

- Hi, you just called me.

- I did. It's about the post.

Yes...

I guess, you understand

which post I'm talking about...

I placed only one post...

Great... Could you, please, tell me,

you and your wife...

Stop being an asshole!

Hello? Do you have any plans for tonight?

Not yet.

Great! We don't, either.

Then perhaps we could plan something?

Let's... But there's one thing

that worries me, you know...

Just one question.

This is our first time...

And you've written that it's

the first time for you as well.

I'm just wondering whether

anything will come of it.

Something will come out of it,

and something will go in, too.

Oh, I do like that word.

Me too. So, then text me your address.

And we'll be at your place in an hour.

Wonderful! We're waiting.

I'm finished...

You're an idiot!

Pervert.

God bless my balls!

Get ready, let's get a move on!

- I am not going anywhere!

- Yes, you are!

You're out of your mind!

You know, you've done quite well

under this roof.

And do you know why you're still here?

Because I love you.

I love these legs so much...

so put Louboutins on them,

and we'll be on our way to adventure.

No! I am not going anywhere.

Oh... I am feeling such a rush.

It makes me feel horny when you hold out.

But not now.

Now you put on haute couture and giddy up!

No!

Really?

Get out then... Why are you staring at me?

Get out. You won't marry me.

Don't you get it? I can fuck all Kyiv,

and then Fastiv

and the outskirts of Zhytomyr for dessert.

Hasn't it ever

crossed your mind that a real wife...

I mean, a real wife

must stand by her man through

thick and thin, and the mating dance.

I don't want my man to bang other chicks.

It disgusts me!

It disgusts you?!

I'll tell you what disgusts me!

Your mother's green granny panties

hanging on our balcony!

Kitten, I'm begging you, calm down!

Should I tell you how my buddies' chicks

have pimped themselves

up just to be liked!

Size E boobs! They've pumped

so much silicone into their lips

they can't even see

their poor tits anymore!

And they've inflated their butts so much

that Nicki Minaj

is anorexic in comparison.

I can't even enlarge your bird-brain

because I love you.

I love you as you are. Believe me,

I don't wanna put you under a scalpel!

Better under a scalpel than under

some stinking unknown asshole!

Really?!

There you go.

What's this? Horilka?

No, it's not horilka.

It's much better than horilka.

Of course, for a Catwoman like you,

I could have offered some valerian

but I think this is of much better use.

One more?!

You betcha! So that the first one

doesn't feel lonely.

I'm Dennis, but you can just call me Den.

Sveta, but you can just call me Sweety.

I hope that at least you

won't leave me naked on the balcony

Don't get vengeful.

We must love everyone -

even thugs and villains...

Am I not disturbing you?

No, no... Just a second.

Tea, ma'am!

- Ouch! It's hot!

- It was intended.

I am such an idiot.

Yeah...

I believed every single word he said!

That he loved me, that he was

going to get divorced.

That he wanted me and no-one but me.

But then - bang! His wife comes back.

I'm in nothing but my panties.

And welcome to the balcony!

And while I was sitting naked

out there on the balcony,

he was banging, banging, banging her!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop it!

Enough, enough...

But right now I'm dreaming of just

one thing - when this son of a bitch

finishes fucking

and goes out on the balcony voila,

and there's nobody there!

Look, kitty, make up another

name for yourself.

Why don't you like "Ilona"?

I don't like when people are dumb.

They don't need to know our real names.

Ok... Let it be... Tania...

Hey, Tania, hunny! I'll fuck you, bunny!

Ira, I am totally against this idea.

Hey!

Sorry. Although, as my colleague,

a shrink, says,

"Look at the bright side even

in the most shameful moments."

What do you mean?

I mean, at least you've finally shaved

your armpits. Unfortunately, not for me.

- Listen, Ira.

- What?

Let's drop this idea, huh?

Look, wash your armpits -

you stink horribly!

Actually, it's the corpse

of our dead love that stinks so badly.

And brush your teeth.

To be honest, it feels like some strangers

are going to come and fuck me!

And me, too!

Oh, Lord!

My father told me: "Take a close

look at her mother, she'll be the same!"

- Don't touch my mom!

- Why not?

Why don't we invite her?

Then we'll be swinging!

- You're a moron!

- I absolutely agree with you!

By the way, put a clean shirt on.

- Ugh! This is a real cesspool!

- Come on! Let's go!

Do you really want to go

into this chlamydia shack?

Didn't you live in the same kind

of chlamydia shack in your Hickville?

In my hometown such places

were only in the downtown area!

Come on, downtown girl,

get out of the car.

I'm scared.

Don't fret, babe! It's adrenaline!

Holy shit! I'm so pumped!

You fool!

Andrew!

Andrew, come out!

Time to party!

Good evening.

- Peter... It's a pleasure to meet you,

- Ira.

- The pleasure is only going to get better!

- Oh, I hope so...

Ira.

Angela...

Please come in! My husband will

join us in a moment. Andrew!

Andrew!

Life is like toilet paper - grey, long,

and full of shit...

Here are some slippers! The colour

seems to match your clothes.

Thanks, but we'll just wander

around in our shoes.

Okay, let it be so.

And you are... not bad looking!

Thank you.

Get undressed.

What, already?!

No, I meant your coats.

Let me give you a hand...

Wow! So luxurious!

It's mink.

I prefer pussy!

This always happens.

This way, please! Andrew!

Andy!

What did you have for dinner?

Pay no attention, please.

Everything is okay.

Make yourself at home.

Move.

Don't stand there like a bump on a log.

You are not a timid mouse, are you?

Not much...

Plutarch, Seneca...

Nietzsche...

O-oh! Kuchma...

"Ukraine is not Russia",

They really love the classics.

Babe, I really feel at home here,

like at your mother's dump in Khmelnytsky!

What's wrong? Come on! Wake up! This is

going to be an unforgettable evening!

- Enough...

- Enough of what?

Intimate... Cool...

Is this you?

Yes, it's him with his classmates

from the medical college.

He doesn't even keep in touch

with them anymore.

Why haven't you thrown this rubbish away?

You've got quite the hairdo in this photo!

Like Michael Jackson when he was young!

I see you need a cork screw.

Let me give you a hand.

Screw?

I am a pro at screwing.

Such a cute kitty you've got!

Are you serious?

If you don't mind me asking,

is it valuable?

Valuable? You must be joking!

It's cheap as dirt.

Really?

Did you hear that, honey?

I can't believe it, Peter!

You know, it looks promising.

Thanks...

How did you come to swinging?

- It was my idea!

- Seriously?

Angela supported me! Right?

It's hard to say "no" to such

an influential businessman.

So, no-one has ever said "no" to you?

Well, sure there are those who said "no".

There were, let them rest in peace!

But, you know, I live by a principle...

Which are the best films?

Porno films!

Because everyone loves each other

and there is always a happy ending!

- I love happy endings!

- Oh, really?

- What does our macho man do?

- He is a doctor.

Seriously?!

A pulmonologist.

His specialization is the lungs.

So, if we feel unwell tonight

after our pumping and jumping,

our honoured doctor may give us

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

I really love it!

Hey, why do you live here,

and not in a luxury mansion?

Well.

Just the other day this one doctor

patched up the bullet holes

in one of our business

partners and we dumped

- a helluva lot of cash on him for it.

- He is a surgeon,

not a pulmonologist.

Oh! So, cash and lungs aren't friends.

The lungs, by the way,

are where the soul lives!

Do you really believe that?

The older he gets,

the more he believes it!

Guys, listen, why are we still

not on a first name basis?

Have we forgotten

what we're gonna do tonight?

We're not in court!

Let's drink to first names!

Great toast.

To Andrew! Irina! Ilona!

Oh, my Lord! Angela!

Damn, there are so many chicks

running around here...

To those, who are now

on a first name basis!

To us, who are now on a first name basis!

Hurray!

To first names! To us!

Hey, babe, what the hell are you doing?

You'll mess up my "Brioni".

I'll mess up and then I'll iron it out.

What's up?

I'm going to have a smoke.

Go and have a smoke.

Are you crazy? Why?

Take it off! Now!

- Just tell me... do I look good in it?

- Not bad. Take it off!

Will you buy me one?

- Come on, take it off...

- Will you buy it?

When are you gonna buy me one?

When? When?!

Well... tomorrow...

Ah... tomorrow...

Look out!

Nice color.

What?

I am talking about your nails.

Ah, I see... I like it, too.

Your feet are cold.

I'll get you some socks.

Thank you.

You have nice photographs!

It all depends on the correct pose.

Are you a photo model?

No, I am an actor.

A future actor, actually...

I'm in my final year.

You are an aesthete. It shows.

Everything in your apartment is stylish.

Nice, nice!

I like it too.

Did your father give you this place?

Uh-huh... My "daddy".

Socks, ma'am!

Not only did you save my life,

lend me an ear and understood me,

you even have two identical socks...

Let's go. I'll show you

where you can get changed.

Are you sure that I'm not bothering you?

Shit!

Den, I can leave, right now!

No, no, it's not about you.

Is it your girlfriend,

messaging you like crazy?

No.

- I'm 100% certain it's your girlfriend.

- Look, I don't have a girlfriend!

OK!

"Go fuck yourself!"

So, how do I look?

Is that you?

So, are we going to knock over a mare?

What do you mean?

Shall we stick it in the mouth

until it starts to smoke?

To whom?

I mean a drop of nicotine and a horse.

The Cossack rides and rides...

Jesus, relax! Are we going to smoke?

Oh, I see...

Do you have an ashtray

or do you flick it in a can?

I've got an ashtray.

Damn! And I thought

you wacked off in a can!

No, I don't fucking need it.

Everything I need, I carry with me.

Ah, vape - all the rage now.

Uh-huh. Listen, did they call you

to that political demonstration?

- Which one?

- You don't know?

Some bums were running around

the Parliament with the words

"We won't let cigarette butts

disappear!" written on their asses!

Nope... You know what I heard?

First, vape, then non-alcoholic beer

and then you end up

with an inflatable woman.

Hey, what's up, doc?

I see, you don't smoke too often, do you?

Yeah, not too often.

I used to smoke two packs a day.

Then switched to this.

Two packs?

Then I can tell you, as a doctor,

that your swinging days are numbered.

Why's that?

Your Leaning Tower of Pisa

is going to fall.

Unlike the real one, of course.

You're quite something, monologist!

Pulmonologist!

Was it your chic who wanted to swing?

You only understood that now?

So, it ends up that the one who has

a problem with potency is you, not me!

You can ask your woman later,

who got a problem with potency,

if she lasts that long!

Easy! Easy! Stop getting so worked up!

I like you, pulmonologist!

You rock, man! What a pulmonologist!

Does all this turn on your wife?

It's dough that turns her on.

Just so that you know, this night

costs me a chain of pajama boutiques.

- How's that?

- How? Half a million dollars is how!

Holy shit! She's got quite the needs.

So she didn't want to come here?

She did. She basically wants

everything that I want.

And, by the way,

she is not my wife.

So, you aren't married?

No, but she wants it so bad,

she's dying for it!

And how exactly does she "want it"?

Well... you get my drift?

You don't waste time, do you, doc?!

She likes "daddies".

She loves feeling like a guilty girl.

She always wants to be punished, you see.

She adores brutal power. She loves

being taken by the mane

and when her head hits a table...

And then you pull up her skirt, and

she is so wet and ready.

And you take out your dick,

so big and stiffy!

Who would have thought!

And then comes the moment...

What moment?

Don't worry, with you it won't come...

- Why's that?

- Because she won't sleep with you.

She's all mine!

Now you tell me what turns yours on?

- Mine?

- Well.

Yeah. She'll show you herself.

Oh! Listen, doc, I'm getting

such a rush from all of this!

I can barely control myself! It isn't

like making up business schemes,

this is serious stuff!

So, you don't only work use mouth,

you use your head as well?

- Actually, I'm a philosopher.

- No way!

Let's take such a philosophical question

as toilet paper, for instance...

- So?

- So...

Actually, it's not only used in the toilet

but also in forests, fields, you name it.

The paper is not intended for the toilet,

but for the ass.

Paper for shitting.

Therefore, it must be

called "shitting paper".

Or, take the word " debil".

The "de" part is understood.

"De" is a fine Ukrainian word.

But what about "Bill"? Who is that?

A Brit? An American? I don't know him.

We have our own wonderful names

like, "Vasyl".

Well, you understand, right?

I understand.

I look at you and I understand:

"deVasyl".

Hey, but...

Denny, I want to drink a toast to you...

- Actually... to all men of art of city...

- Streets?!

Theatres!

You know, Den,

today I met

a true matador.

And who did you meet before?

Just bulls!

The third toast is to women...

I want you to know that good luck

can enter your home

not only through the front door

but also through the balcony.

Let's dance... to get things started?

With pleasure.

Ouch! Something just scratched me.

It must've been my kitty cat.

I hope its owner also loves

showing her kitty claws in bed!

Maybe...

- Do you know what?

- What?

I really love something in your apartment.

Really? What exactly?

Your breasts!

- They are like a car battery.

- Oh, yes...

They turn me on!

Angela! Listen, don't sit around!

Get to work.

Andrew feels like dancing.

Look how excited he is.

He can't wait. Come on, do something!

Oh my, I'm so sorry, I hit you

quite hard on the stomach.

It was a bit lower, actually.

But it turns me on! What is it, huh?

Don't be a dumb ass! You are not a boxer!

"For water to become warm,

it must be heated".

And when are we going to finally,

you know...

Oh! I suggest we play this one game...

Great! Let's play "spin the bottle"!

Bottle's great! What do you mean

"spin the bottle"?

Don't you know?! You spin it

and you kiss the person

the bottleneck points at.

Let's play "spin the bottle"!

Andrew! Do you all agree?

Do you all agree?

Andrew!

- Andy, raise your hands!

- All agreed! Let's sit down!

What's wrong, old man?!

Let's sit down! Let's sit down!

Here you are. Just don't forget to say:

"a spin of the bottle shall

show the one who I shall kiss!"

How did you say it?

May this bottle show

who I'm gonna screw tonight!

I've always had a talent at gambling

but today I've hit the jackpot!

OK, now it's my turn to spin.

Come on! Come on!

The same rule for everyone!

Now you spin.

I hit the jackpot already.

Ok, babe, chop, chop!

Go ahead and spin!

Come on! Come on!

The same rule for everyone!

No, I can't! I haven't drank that much...

Come on, Andrew!

Come on! We're joining Gay Europe!

- It's not fair!

- I'll wipe the floor with you! Come here!

I won't, I tell you!

There's no such rule that can't be bent!

Let's trade places.

Andrew is as naive as Karl Marx.

Andrew, you spin!

- Me?

- Come on!

Hey, Andrew!

Andrew! What the hell?!

Don't disturb them...

- Andrew, that's enough!

- Come on, come on. Kiss!

Andrew!

Andy! Andy, your hand!

Andrew!

You like it, don't you!

Yes, I like it!

Got it, Andy? She likes it!

Kitten, I love you.

I love you too.

Andrew, can you hear me? I love you!

- Uh-huh?

- Do you hear?

- Your heart's beating so wildly!

- Yeah...

- What's up? Scared?

- No, I'm not scared at all!

- Kiss her, Andy!

- Me?

- No, her.

- Her?

Lip bang her so that

her dental fillings fly off!

Come on! Come on! Come on, brother!

Do you like looking at this?

Yes, I like looking at this!

Andrew! Andrew!

I want you right now!

- Me? Right now?

- You bet!

Why don't we turn the lights off?

Why should we turn off the lights?

It is pleasant in dark places.

Ah, you're already over there.

Just sit there.

To hell with intimacy! Turn the lights on!

Fuck, do you think I came here to fuck

the armrest with my head?!

Ouch... Where's my bedroom?

- Over there.

- Over there.

Andrew!

Andrew!

- I...

- What?

I never...

Are you shy?

It's fate.

I am off to the bathroom... one sec.

Please hurry.

Go fuck yourself?!

Go fuck yourself... Right?

I'll show you who's going to get fucked!

If you, noblemen, were to know

what the common folk do at night.

Wait, this is the bedroom, right?

Yes. For God's sake!

Wait! I am not ready yet. I feel awkward.

Don't be like a child!

Actually, I didn't want this.

Look at those boobs! Pamela Anderson!

- Oh, my God! Don't climb up on me!

- You wanna be on top? Right?

I don't want you at all! Andrew!

Andrew!

- Wow! These are some serious melons!

- Where?

Boy, do I want to feel them!

- Who? My breasts?

- What breasts?! These are watermelons!

Stop!

What the hell is this?

I told you I am not ready yet!

- Doors are opening!

- Oh God!

Next station

is Beaver Creek via Mouthville...

Oh, my God! How embarrassing!

How awesome!

- I don't want to.

- You do. I know you do!

- Look, I feel awkward... Bug off!

- You are awesome, both modest and lustful!

Stop taking your clothes off!

Both strong and weak... Amy Winehouse...

and Taras Shevchenko in one!

Don't take your pants off!

I'm begging you!

Oh my God!

You see now that when I say

"below the belt",

I'm not joking.

- What was that?

- Probably a UFO.

This way...

Oh! I remember this bunny. It used

to stand in your granny's cupboard.

Yeah...

Now granny's standing in the cupboard.

How's her arthritis?

Thank goodness it's fine.

Doesn't bother her any longer. She died.

My God! How sad!

Irina, if you don't mind me asking,

what are you doing?

Mating dance.

- What?

- Mating dance, I said!

Ah! I thought it was some voodoo ritual!

Actually, your version of striptease!

What bloody striptease!

What, you don't give a shit at all?

I'm telling you, look me in the eyes,

not at my breasts!

You don't care what they're doing there?

Asshole!

Come on, babe...

Tame my Mickey Mouse

like Walt Disney in the 1930s.

Come on, spank me.

Ouch! It hurts so badly!

I'm thirty years old.

I'm an English teacher.

I live alone with four cats.

I manage to earn myself a living,

and my cats, too.

My yoga teacher says,

I must listen to my inner self.

Well, I've been listening to myself since

I was 14, but hear bloody nothing!

But today I feel that we are

getting closer to Zen.

And while I was on that balcony,

I could see that the stars were aligning...

So we must make love,

make kids, and be happy!

Yeah, and we are doing it now,

and everybody is doing it...

And we deserve it...

Because that's how it's turned out.

That's how it is, more or less.

Why did you not tell them

we know each other?

And you?

What, am I nuts?

Tell me, did you know

you were going to my place?

Are you nuts?

Haven't heard this voice for ten years...

Almost eleven...

That's crazy!

When I saw you in my apartment,

I thought I was going

to have a heart attack!

The same with me.

The same emotions as before,

when you didn't show up to the wedding.

Hold on... was it because of this moron?

Well, actually, yes...

But he's totally crazy!

A total idiot!

Yes, an idiot,

who is on the "Forbes" list.

Forgive me... Sunshine.

Lost my temper a bit.

Bitch!

Know what, I really want to have kids.

And you?

Me too. Yes...

That's great!

It's horrible! It's so horrible

to wear a mask all your life,

pretending to be someone else...

But you're an actor.

True, but you see, I always wanted

to be who I am.

And who are you?

- I don't know, I've never been...

- Never been where?

Not "where" but "who with". I am...

Shit! For never was a story of more woe!

Puppy...

I want to apologize.

- So do I.

- I am a complete idiot!

Me too. I am so sorry!

This is...

A sign of our new life together.

- To live anew...

- What?

I said you've got a truly refined taste!

Flowers as always...

And wine, your favorite one...

Look, I work so hard...

- and I don't know...

- What don't you know?

What you're up to while I am at work?

- What I'm up to?

- Yes, what are you up to!?

Me? Waiting for you, puppy.

I want to know whether you forgive me?

I forgive you. Everything is fine.

You're on your knees!

It's OK. I've become used to it.

Come on, get up.

Tut-tut... Den...

Why is everything scattered around?

Uh, I don't know...

Maybe the wind blew it over.

A strong wind!

Puppy, why don't we go for a walk?

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I just wanna go for a walk.

Just the two of us? In Kyiv, at night?

Why don't you suggest that people like us

go for a walk around Lviv in the evening?

It would be better if you

poured me my wine.

Why on earth are you fussing around,

trying to go out somewhere?

I just want to take a walk.

You're talking nonsense...

You know how such bottles are

made by glass-blowers?

Let me show you.

Dennis, what was that?

The wind!

Let's take a walk...

Dennis, you're not going to fool me.

This ichthyologist of yours

gave me the evil eye...

Leaning Tower of Pisa,

Leaning Tower of Pisa...

You think it's because of me?

Who else? Is there anybody else in here?

What about my car batteries?

Don't they turn you on any longer?

No, babe, everything's okay with them.

It's not them...

Then what?

I know, it's because

of my big belly and fat hips!

You pressure me too much!

You keep ordering me around all the time.

I've got to rule the roost here.

I control the mission computer!

I drive the main harvester!

- I'm pressuring you?!

- Of course!

Why are you freaking out?

I'm having a panic attack!

What?

- A panic attack!

- I don't understand your terminology!

You don't want me!

My husband doesn't want me!

Nobody wants me! What's wrong with me?

Come on, say something! Distract me!

Say something! Blurt something out!

I... I don't know...

What exactly should I say?

Anything! Just distract me!

God! Well, I heard that Ukraine is

a great country for foreign investments.

My buddy Zbyshek from Poland

threw 20 million bucks into a factory.

Then some tough guys showed up...

What!?

Yeah! They grabbed

the factory and retired the owner.

You're talking bullshit.

Tell me something about yourself

or your bitch!

About Ilona? I mean, Angela?

Yeah, about Angela.

She was born in Kmelnytsky.

Studied at medical college.

- Well?

- Sold fake sneakers at the bazaar.

- And then?

- Then...

She dropped out of college

and quit the sneaker bazaar,

because she met a beau

driving a white "Mercedes".

What did you just say?

Sold fake sneakers in Kmelnytsky...

No, no, before that... what did you say?

Before the fake sneakers I said

she studied at med college...

She had a big love,

but she left him because of...

Fucking bitch!

What a slithering snake!

- Listen, babe, watch your tongue!

- How old is your bitch?

- I don't know, I never asked...

- When was she born?

I don't know... eighty-three,

eighty-five, give or take.

They know each other...

- What? Who?

- Med college...

Kmelnytsky. Andrew is from Kmelnytsky.

So is she.

They studied together.

She's his first love.

But she broke up with him

because of some rich prick.

And that prick is you!

- Aha!

- My God!

That's why he put on that clean shirt.

That's why he sprayed

himself with cologne!

Babe, take it easy.

Goodness gracious!

They planned all of this.

And we are just two morons.

Hey, let's take a walk to the hospital?

I got it!

Let's go to a club... to "Lipstick"!

The stars are transparent above

Are you sleepy or not?

A young she-wolf howled at the new moon

- Edward!

- Don't...

- Edward!

- Don't!

Please meet Sveta.

I found her on the balcony.

She's our neighbor's lover.

Can you believe it!

She spent an entire hour

naked on the balcony, freezing.

So, I decided to...

- Warm her up?

- Yes!

And nothing else!

Edward! Are you okay?

Come on, help me,

don't you see, he's feeling sick!

Don't you dare!

One second. One second. Careful.

A bit further. Careful, careful.

You're not serious about

running away together?!

Why not? I'm serious.

I think that's our chance.

And it wasn't an accident

that we met after so many years!

It's a sign of fate!

Sign of shit! Where to?

Where can you offer me to run away to?

Wherever you want!

Wherever I want!?

OK, to the Maldives then.

Have you shit your pants?

Look, your "fate" will not let you go

further than the shithole you live in.

Or maybe you want me to die

on this Soviet furniture?

I will buy different furniture!

If you want, you can die

on Italian furniture!

I just mean that everything

is in our hands, Ilona.

The only thing that can possibly be

in the hands of a pulmonologist

is some shitty stethoscope!

That really hurt!

Listen, Ilona,

I saw the fire in your eyes.

Just like it was before.

Who do you think you are?

An eye doctor?!

I had sex with you just because

of stupid nostalgia!

And back then?

Back then...

I loved you.

But even back then I didn't want to live

like my impoverished parents

and eat potato salad on special occasions.

Every day I want to stuff my

face with lobsters

and foie gras and vomit turtle soup.

I want expensive and exclusive things

to surround me, because now

I myself am expensive and exclusive.

Got that?

So, you don't believe in love?

Yes, I do! Why not?

But you can't spread your love on bread.

And I see that you still

haven't understood this.

So, you live with that idiot for money?

Yes! What else do I need!?

But he is a piece of shit!

That shit just told me in the kitchen

how he got you

into all of this for some boutiques.

How you are dying wanting to marry him.

He's an imbecile!

A complete moron! He was teaching me

the best way to bang you!

Oh! So, that's why it went so well!

No, it went well because

we didn't sleep for money.

That was a mistake!

Oh, so sometimes you offer charity?

Look, darling, we just had sex,

sex and nothing but sex!

But it was so good between us!

The key word here is "was"!

What happened to you, tell me?

What happened to me?

Look at you! You're a loser!

And your fat stupid cow

in hair curlers is just like you!

You know what, that amorous

little girl in Khmelnytsky

died a long time ago.

Forget about her.

You could never possibly be with someone

like me: a secular lioness.

Don't touch me!

Wait... wait!

Andrew!

Andrew! Open the door!

Jesus!

What have you become?!

Edward!

Oh, Dennis!

Look, I am afraid you got all this wrong!

What exactly?

- You... and he?

- Yes!

So, how could I've misunderstood this?

You see, you already got everything wrong.

She was naked right from the start!

But that's no reason to drag her into bed.

How could you?! With a woman!

I just wanted to see what it's like?!

Wanted to try?

Didn't I tell you how it was with Marina,

Catherine, Alexandra, Svetlana...

Don't tar everyone with the same brush!

Shut up, for God's sake!

I would've understood if I'd found

some... Arnold in your bed!

It happens...

But her?! Well... So how was it?

Nothing special!

Nothing special?!

Don't touch him!

- We tried it a bit...

- A bit?!

Leave him alone!

Hardly had I sent you a couple of hasty

messages when you, swine,

jumped on the first balcony whore!

Whore?!

Don't you dare!

Eddie, puppy, calm down!

What?!

You call him "puppy"?!

Don't disturb the men

when they are talking!

Whore!

How could you?!

You brought "this"

to the apartment I rent for you?

It was just a coincidence

which grew into an experiment.

Tell him that you were an experiment!

What bloody experiment?!

We had sex!

The experiment says you had sex!

Don't listen to her!

We had magical, breathtaking sex!

Ah, so you had sex!

Yes, we had sex!

And I'm going to fight

to the end for my happiness!

Me too.

Andrew!

Do you understand?

They locked the door!

Do you know what they're doing in there?

What can your four-eyed loser be doing?

Use your brain!

They just picked out

the right time to fuck.

Bullshit! What are you talking about?

It's not bullshit,

it's a sexual conspiracy!

You're sick in the head!

I'm going to... I'm going fuck you all!

All of you!

Open the door!

Shut your face!

Ah... the fur coat...

This cheap fucking fur coat

from a second-hand sale...

You bitch! You fucking bitch!

Come, put your shitty fur coat on!

Bitch!

Hey guys! Look at me swinging!

Crazy shit!

You whore!

Come on out, slut!

Now your fur's gonna warm you even better!

Here!

That's badass!

Holy shit!

Moron.

So, you know each other.

Hey whore, how does it feel

to sleep with your first love?

Andy, did you like it, huh?

Did you guys do it?

Are you nuts?

I told you she won't sleep with you...

Keep it...

Bitch...

Idiots!

It was a hell of an evening!

Look, but I don't quite get it.

Did it suck or did it rock?

Thank you!

Tomorrow I'm going

to tell my boys in the sauna about it.

They won't believe it!

You...

You are always throwing

this apartment in his face.

But just take a look

at it! It's a fairy tale!

Everything is perfect!

Everything is in its place.

Clean and tidy!

And it's all thanks to him, not you.

Actually, it's the first time

that I met such a man.

I understand why you won't let him go!

I won't let him go, because he's gay!

In case you haven't noticed

we've been together for two years now.

Why did he sleep with me then?

That really is a good question.

So, why is it you slept with her?

Because he wants to have children!

And only a woman can give him children.

Are you out of your mind?

But you said that yourself, sweetie!

Don't you remember?!

Wait a sec.

You talked about kids?

Let him go!

So, this is how you did it?

Now you like it this way, do you?

Yes, I do!

And I don't like it with you,

because you are insane!

Sick in the head!

You're a fucking fetishist!

You can't even get a hard on

unless I dress up like a matador,

or a Red Riding Hood,

you make me live in an apartment

surrounded by my portraits.

This place is like a museum for you,

where I work as a watchman,

a janitor and an exhibit!

Your work as my Producer

doesn't get me further than your bed.

Look at yourself!

Who have you turned into?

You are a freak!

I even wash your underpants and socks,

not to mention the spoons,

that must be set exactly side by side!

You are not just a pansy.

You are a pedantic faggot.

You pick on women, but you, bitch,

are 300 times worse than them!

Do you know how that hurts?

I'm going outside to have a smoke.

It's exactly the time you have

to make up your mind.

Option A:

you kick her out

and we pretend nothing has happened.

Option B: you disappear from my life,

and from this apartment, forever.

It's you that ruined everything.

Double-assed freak.

Did you sleep with him?

- What?

- Don't be dumb.

- Don't shit with me! Did you fuck?

- Of course not, kitten!

Nor did we!

Pretty weird feeling. Didn't screw

anyone, but I still feel quite satisfied.

I told you it wasn't worth coming here.

It was worth it!

Now I trust you.

I know you are my lady

and you'll never betray me.

And I want you.

And I want a chain

of "Kote" pajama boutiques!

Relax, you'll have them.

And no more swinging!

Here!

Is this what I think it is, kitten?

God, I can't believe it!

And what? This means "yes"?

"Yes"?

Oh, Lord, what a beauty!

I didn't sleep with him...

Andrew, do you hear me?

I didn't sleep with him.

And you?

I know that you didn't either.

You didn't sleep with her, did you?

No, you didn't.

Jesus, am I so stupid! Do you understand?

You live with a complete imbecile!

But you're also quite something!

Why didn't you stop me?

Why the hell did we do it?

Because you're a spineless jellyfish!

Your hands grow out of your ass!

The money you make is barely enough

to buy your stupid toy cars.

Even that moron, Peter,

bought this fur coat for his bitch.

By the way, you also promised me one...

Andrew, you promised to buy me...

Why again? Why me again?

Fuck!

Aren't you going to get sick?

Are you gay?

Me?! No! No way!

Married?

I'm not sure anymore...