Swing (1999) - full transcript

An optimistic guy is arrested and thrown in jail, while there he learns the saxophone from a fellow inmate. Once he's released from jail, he and a few friends form a swing band while he tries to win back his girlfriend who married the police officer who arrested him!

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(electronic music)

(orchestral music)

(swing music)

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ We got to get on this train ♪

♪ It's coming around again ♪

♪ Well I've said it before
and I'll say it again ♪

♪ We got to get on this train ♪

♪ We got a long long journey home ♪

♪ And I can feel it in my bones ♪

♪ But if you wanna ride just come inside ♪

♪ We got to get on this train ♪

♪ Woo woo got to get on ♪

♪ Got to get on this train ♪

♪ Gotta get on gotta get on come on ♪

♪ Gotta get on gotta get on ♪

♪ Got to get on this train ♪

♪ Gotta get on gotta get on ♪

♪ Got to get on this train ♪

♪ Right on track no turning back ♪

♪ I can hear the whistle blowing ♪

♪ Welcoming my baby and me ♪

(train whistle blows)

(saxophone playing)

- You'll be out in six months.

Look me up, yeah,

- Unless you get thrown back in here.

- No chance.

- You know, as you get older,

you start having hopes for others,

rather than yourself.

Go on.

- Oh I can't.

Nobody's ever given me
anything in my life.

- It's not a gift.

It's an investment.

You owe me a song.

Remember that.

(door opens)

- Come on, Locksford,
it's time to bugger off.

Hey, you wanna get out or what?

(door closes)

(door sliding open)

Right, these are yours.

Sign here.

You're out on license.

One arrest and you'll be back inside

to finish your sentence.

- Yeah yeah, I won't be back.

- Hold up, you've signed this all wrong.

This doesn't say Martin Locksford.

- Changed my name when I was inside.

By depot, it's all in the file.

- Martin Jean-Baptiste Deschamps.

What kind of name is that?

- Jazz mate, you wouldn't understand.

- Thelonious Monk didn't change his name.

Neither did Bix Beiderbecke.

Or Zoot Sims.

Martin Jean-Baptiste Deschamps. (laughs)

- I don't believe this.

I wrote to her every bloody day.

- With Ella underground to
give you emotional protection.


(slow jazz music)

- Bollocks!

(kicks box)

(slow jazz music)

(elevator doors open)

(kids yelling)

(doorbell buzzes)

(tea kettle whistling)

- Mum?

- The lad's back.

(saxophone plays)

What the hell is that?

(saxophone plays)

- I learnt to play in prison.

- You call that playing?

- It's me future.

- You dumb bastard.

You won't last five minutes.

Like everything else you
start and never finish.

- I've changed, Dad.

I don't know, maybe
prison's done me some good.

- Hello Marty.

What was that music?

- That's his bloody future.

- Yeah well, it's better
than pissing your life away

down at the pub, hey Dad?

(slow jazz music)

Fancy a pint?

- No doubt.

- Thanks fellas.

- I never saw you as a musician.

- I'm gonna be more than a musician, Liam.

I'm gonna have me own band.

It's gonna be great.

- You know what?

That's the Beatles curse for you.

Why does everybody born on the Mersey

think that they can write songs
like Lennon and McCartney?

- I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about romantic
nights out on the town,

dancing the night away

with your best girl on your arm.

- People still dance, Marty.

- Yeah, out your head in the
bar in the middle of nowhere.

Where's the romance in that?

- So what are you going to do?

- I'm going to make this happen, Liam.

Jack said, he'd let me face it.

- Playing sax is like telling the truth.

You'd never have to worry
about repeating the same lie.

If you tell the truth.

- What are you doing with my suit?

- Oh, I was wondering
if I could borrow it.

- Take what you want, lad.

- Dad.

- Hey, you'll probably
wear it in the rain.

Get in a fight, ruin it,
so no one else can use it.

- How come you've got such
a low opinion of me, eh?

I'm only trying me best.

Trying to make something of myself.

I won't ruin it.

Oh shite!

(jazz music)

♪ You say I'm unreliable ♪

♪ You can't depend on me ♪

♪ Well that's undeniable ♪

♪ Take me just as you find me ♪

♪ Maybe you just can't see ♪

♪ Baby I'm all that you need ♪

- Surprise.

- Oh my God!

I thought you were in prison.

- I didn't get life you
know, just felt like it.

- Very flattering.

Now I've got to get some lunch.

- I'll come with you.

- Get off, will you?

That's not a good idea.

- All right, dear, let me buy you lunch.

That'll be a first

♪ Willing to toe the line ♪

♪ I thought that's what
you liked about me ♪

♪ My red-hot personality ♪

- Martin em, Locksford.

- Terry em Tosser.

- I heard you were put away.

- Good on you to discriminate.

Jumped a wall, I'm on the run.

Got a table for two?

Only joking, Mr. Assistant Manager Person.

I've got a band, I'm well-minted.

Got that table then?

- Go on.

- Get off!

(soft music)

Martin, not here.

I'll have to do it.

- Thanks.

You cold or what?

- I'm fine.

- You're still wearing your gloves.

- I don't feel like taking them off.

- Why not?

- Because.

- Because what?

- Just because.

- Just because what?

- All right, because I'm married.

I don't want you to go off on one.

- Married?

Why, who?

- His name's Andy.

Andy Ark.

- Constable Andy Ark?

As in, my arresting officer?

The busy that put me away?

- You didn't think I'd wait, did you?

- No, but him?

Well eh, here's to happy days then.

- It would never have worked.

You could never grasp the
concept of working for a living.

There was always some
hair-brained scheme or another.

- I thought that's what
you liked about me.

- A poppy's not just
for Christmas, Martin.

- Yeah you can.

- What?

- Help me.

I'm starting a swing band.

And I need a singer.

- I can't sing.

- It was your dream, Joan.

You auditioned for Guys and Dolls.

- Yeah, when I was ten.

- So, there's no harm in dreaming.

It's only singing.

- Everyone with a guitar
thinks they can be the Beatles.

It's not exactly an original idea, is it?

- Different kind of music.

- They are lovely songs.

I'd have to ask me husband.

- Oh yeah, jealous is he?

- No, just violent.

- She should have stood by you,

but she dumped you.

- Yeah, well I can say
the same about you, Liam.

You could've shared the blame.

- The whole scam was your idea.

It wasn't my fault that the
car I nicked stalled, was it?

When you were supposed to be the wheelman.

- There are lots of wheelmen.

The wheelman who opens Salad Points,

and will be taking the bus.

- Well anyway, we're family aren't we?

and you were there for me then.

I'm here for you now.

- Is that our old fella?

Where's he going?

- Dad is a nightwatchman.

He watches wood for 15 quid a night.

- Are things that bad?

- They've never been any good, have they?

(radio jazz music)

- What's that bleeding racket?


- Andy.

- What?

- I was meaning to ask
you, I'll need a hobby,

and I mean, you work a lot
of nights and all that.

I thought I might try singing again.

- Blah, singing?

Since when did you become a singer?

- I don't sing, but I used to.

I'd like to.

- Well that depends.

- On what?

- Whether or not you can make
Officer Andy a happy officer.

- You don't have to arrest me, do you?

Can't we come to some arrangement?

I am the chief superintendent.

- Can I call you just super then?

(Andy groans)

- [Andy] Oh not again.

- [Joan] Don't worry, doesn't matter.

(jazz music)

- Hello buddy. (laughs)

- Martin.

Hey man, I thought you were inside.

- Yeah I was, but in
their infinite ignorance,

they let me out early.

Listen, do you still play the double bass?

- Yeah well I can still play,

but I'm concentrating on
footie for the time being.

I've got a trial in three
weeks with Man United.

Jesus, will you look at her?

- Man United?

Aren't you getting on a bit
for professional soccer?

- No, not necessarily.

I trained as a fitter to
do the right thing, Martin.

But when I finished, there
was nothing left to fit.

So I thought footie's me first love.

And age is in your head, son.

- Well, I'm forming a band.

- Good God.

- Listen, will you?

Forming a swing band.

Swing, why?

- Because it's crazy.

- Yeah, but no one listens to swing music.

- Ah, but they would if they could.

It's definitely gone away,
it's just been forgotten.

Might bring back an age
of innocence, of optimism.

- You think you can change the world

with a few songs, do you?

- No, if you could change
the way you feel about things

just for a moment?

Well, that's enough for me.

- [Jogger] Hi sporty!

- No, I think I'll stick
with the footie, mate.

- Well you'll be missing out.

Think of all them pretty
girls, them aerial dances,

skirts rising up above the waist.

And of course, there's you on stage.

Single man, working out some mean bass.

I tell you, mate, there won't
be a dry seat in the house.

Anyway, best of luck with Man United.

Wankers that they are.

- Yeah well.

It might be worth a shot.

- Great, fancy kicking
around some tunes then?

- Yeah.

("Mack The Knife")

- Like that?

- No, you're fluffing your notes.

That's rock and roll.

In swing, you gotta hear every beat.

It's pure.

We want the passion of soul,
but with the clarity of swing.

- Right then.

- You needed a drummer, right?

- Well, this is Oi.

He sometimes does the odd job for me.

And now he's going to
play with you on my time.

- You can play, yeah?

- More professional hours than
anyone else in this room boy.

- Ooh, professional.

- Bleeding right.

Four years with Swastika,

supported the Skins on their UK tour.

I've played at every national
fan club in the Southeast.

- National Front?

- Yeah, National Front,
the white man's front,

join the national front.

That was one of ours.

- You made that up, yeah?

- No no, I didn't make it up.

It was like the group,

but the, the front adopted it
as a kind of marching chant.

- Yeah, I remember seeing it in the news.

- See that?

Bought it offstage at the Alpine 1988.

- Oh, it's a pity it missed your head.

Could've knocked some
common sense into you.

- Don't you start, Biffo,

I'm trying to change all right?

- Sorry what, Biffo?

What's Biffo, Dippo?

- Just calm down with you lads.

We're all here now.

So let's try and get on, all right?

- Yeah, thanks Liam.

- Yeah, thanks a lot.

- Right then, where shall I set me kit up?

("Mack The Knife")

- Oi, oi!


(cymbal crashes)

It's too aggressive.

You're doubling your beats.

See swing, it's pure.

You got to massage the skins,

not hammer the hell out of them.

It's clarity, softness, purity.

- Are you taking the piss?

- All right look, the
reason it sounds shite

is it's not big enough.

You can't get a big band sound
with just the three of us.

(slow electronic music)

- You see, the idea is,
the lights go off and on,

as if there's someone here.

Therefore deterring people
like me from robbing them.

He's well-minted now, all the way.

Since he won the lottery,

he's turned into like a Jesus figure.

He never goes out.

He just buys things.

Stupid bloody little
ugly things all the time.

- So why would he want a security system

that gives the impression of being in,

when he never goes out,

when he is actually in?

- Because I am a brilliant
salesman, that's why.

Talking of brilliant,
how's the band going?

- We've got a singer.

Just need a big band sound now.

- A big band sound.

Have you ever thought about.

- What?

- Ah no, forget it.

- What?

- Well, have you ever thought about

going to see Uncle Matty?

(Martin chokes)

- Our mum would have a fit

if we brought Orangemen into the house.

- Yeah, but if you want
a big band sound though.

- Yeah, but at what price.

(car horn blares)

- Yes yes yes!

Liam, Liam, the cars are here.

The cars are here, they're here.

And this week, they're Jaguars.

And there's three of them.

Come on, let's go for a spin.

Come on.

(cockatoo trills)

Are we in, are we sexy?

- I thought you said he never goes out.

Where are we going?

- You'll see.

- Look at this beauty.

Feel the throb of that engine.

Smell that interior.

- Why would he buy three new cars?

- Because you can.

- I could've designed this car.

It's got me written all over it.

Lovely handling.

I approve, yes they
can make more of these.

Nice cornering, yes.

I can see it now.

Jaguar by Arnold.

It'll be a bestseller.

Once more around, hey lads?

(dramatic music)

- Hello Uncle Matty.

- Martin.

Young felony lad.

Look at you.

You went into jail a
boy, and came out a man.

I'm proud of you.

- I wasn't the Godfather or nothing.

- Well you did wrong and you
paid the price with pride.

- Yeah well getting caught's
nothing to be proud of.

- Now, Liam has told me of
your request and I can assist.

The Orange Brigade, Martin,

has a fine history going
all the way back to Ireland,

before we crossed that
cold and hostile sea

to fair Liverpool.

We all know the choice you made.

- It was the choice me mom was born into.

It's the choice me dad made.

- Once a Protestant, always a Protestant.

Except going all Catholic like that,

that broke my mother's heart.

- Yeah, well I'm not me dad, am I?

- No, you're right, you're right.

He's the past and you're the future.

And that's why I want to put

all this religious squabbling behind us,

and be here today for you,
as a family should be.

Martin, I can provide you
with a full brass section

of Orange Brigade marchers for your band.

- Uncle Matty, I don't
know how to thank you.

- I do.

One day Martin, you're gonna get married.

And the fruit of that marriage will be

the children that are born between you.

- We'll probably have kids, yeah.

- But those children Martin,
will be brought up as what?

- As nice kids.

- As Protestants.

- You want me to bring up my
children in your religion,

in return for the brass
section of a swing band?

- Well you came to me.

- Does the Archbishop of Canterbury

know anything about this?

You know, him being the head
of the Church of England

and all that.

- Look, I simply want to right some wrongs

and help a family member in need.

- Firstborn.

- Firstborn first male, if
it's a boy, that's all right.

If it's a girl, I want
the first male as well.

- Firstborn and first male if it's a girl.

In return, I want a full brass section,

instruments in hand for rehearsals,

Tuesdays and Thursdays and all gigs.

- Right.

- Done.

(dramatic music)

- What a bleeding toilet!

(dramatic music)

(doorbell buzzes)

- Bloody Hell!

- Is Martin about?

- Martin!

- Brass section?

This way lads.

(door closes)

- Right before we start,

I just want to say that we hate you,

and you, and you.

We're only here because your
uncle is a close friend.

We take our music very serious.

And if you're shite, we're walking.

- Right, well thanks for coming.

- Furthermore, if this shite
starts to make any money,

then we want a large chunk of it.

- Fair enough.

Better prove myself then.

- One note can go a long
way, if it's the right note.

And that one note can whip
the guy with 20 notes.

("Mack The Knife")

- Martin?

I draw the line at heartbreakers.

- He invited me.

- Well, I didn't.

You think you can walk
in here right as rain.

- [Martin] Well, she can.

- She dumped you for that copper.

- Well think of the blues, hey ma?

Where would the blues be
without a bit of bad luck, eh?

- You've gone soft, you have.

Having her sing songs is one thing,

but she broke your heart.

- Mum, I can't have a singer
who's not allowed in my room.

Rehearsals don't work that way.

- Well, she's not coming in.

- Firstborn and or first male.

Plus second male and first grandchild.

- That's a bit stiff for rehearsal space.

- That's me best offer.

- Right.

You can have the member's room next door.

("Mack The Knife")

♪ The shark has pretty teeth dear ♪

♪ And he shows them pearly white ♪

♪ Just a jackknife has MacHeath dear ♪

♪ And he keeps it out of sight ♪

♪ When the shark bites
with his teeth dear ♪

♪ Scarlet billows start to spread ♪

♪ Fancy gloves though
wears MacHeath dear ♪

♪ So there's not a trace of red ♪

(trumpet solo)

(bottle crash)

(woman groans)

- Sorry luv.

- I thought he was off weekends.

Oh all right, I'll try him at home.


- Ah, good evening Miss.

Can I walk you home?

- I'm just gonna get the bus.

- Ah, but the bus will
be all like warm and dry.

Wouldn't you like to take
the long, slow, wet route?

- You have a nasty way with words.

(rain falling)

I wanted to write back, but
I didn't know what to say.

Apart from return to sender.

- What about, Dear Martin,

I'm marrying the man that put you away.

- It wasn't like that.

I was shattered when you got arrested.

If you're trying to rob the building,

to slice and stay away,

that was the last straw.

- That was Liam's scam.

- Yeah, and what happened to him?

He let you take all the blame.

- Better than both of us
going down, I suppose.

- I nearly lost me job.

They knew you were my boyfriend.

- But the idea was to make enough cash,

so you wouldn't have to work there again.

- Don't tell me you were
doing it all for me.

- No, not really.

- I wanted security.

I wanted to go out with someone reliable.

He had a job.

- Yeah, but a busy.

- He might make sergeant next year.

- Ooh!

- Where will you be next year?

- On some stage beneath a glitter ball,

making a few dreams come true.

- You're gonna be a lottery machine.

- See, that's what happens
when you marry a busy,

get all cynical and depressed.

- I'm not depressed.

- Are you happy?

- Secure.

- Yeah, but happy?

- Look, he's a good blue hand, he is.

- Happy?

- Serious, you can cease to ask.

- You know what I'm getting at?

- Look, I told meself when I
got married, it'd be forever.

It's not something you just give up on.

- Hey, if you're not buying
anything, bugger off.

- Charming.

(Martin laughs)

- What?

- Which one's yours?

- The one on the end.

- Very attractive.

God, this is what we spent
our whole lives avoiding.

- It's real though, Martin.

It's real.

- Yeah, tonight was real too.

You had a great time on that stage.

- And on the dance floor.

- Kiss good night?

No tongues?

- Keep your tongue for the saxophone.

- If you hit a wrong
note, then make it right

with what you play afterwards.

(saxophone plays)

- [Andy] What's that bloody racket?

(dogs barking)

Who's that?

- [Joan] Must be a nutter.

There's a lot of it about.

- I know that face, Joan.

I bloody well know that face.

- Leg it, Martin!

(drums beating)

- Hey you!

- You'll never take me alive, copper.

(playful jazz music)


Hello, Officer Ark.

- Martin bleeding Locksford.

I had the pleasure of putting you away.

What was it, two years ago now?

- Yeah, and then buggering
off with my girlfriend.

- Now my wife,

and I don't appreciate you
sniffing around there now.

Things have changed.

- You haven't.

Still in love with your
job, by the looks of things.

- Exactly.

And I'll put you right back
inside if you see her again.

All right?

- Oh yeah, since when has
seeing an ex girlfriend

been a criminal offense?

- Since the day she became my wife.

Now I'm quite prepared to let
this go with a little warning.

- Well, it's a fair cop, guv.

(head butts Martin)

- Now that's the warning.

- Just like Joan said, all
too quick not enough punch.

(kicks Martin)

Yep she's right, it's over in a flash.

(kicks Martin)

She's absolutely right.

You got no staying power.

- You have been warned Locksford.

(Martin laughs)

- Wanker!

- What did you do to him?

- Had a little word.

- You beat him up, didn't you?

- Taught him a lesson yeah.

- You're bleeding mental, you.

All he did was play a tune.

(slams door)

- Joan!

(doorbell buzzes)

- Martin Jean-Baptiste Deschamps!

- Who?

- Martin Jean-Baptiste Deschamps.

He's failed to make himself known to me.

- Who are you?

- Colin Wooten, his probation officer.

- John the Baptist of what?

- Is this or is this not
Martin Jean-Baptiste Deschamps?

- No, it's not.

It's Martin Locksford and he's in bed.

See, he's sleeping.

- Come on, Deschamps.

- Who?

- You don't get it, do you?

If I don't report how you're doing,

then you're back inside.

- Been busy.

- Doing what?

Hanging up on the piss
by the looks of things.

- It wasn't a fight,
just a simple beating.

- The job center's never heard of you.

You've got to be seen to make the effort.

- I am making an effort.

- Doing what?

- You wouldn't understand.

- Try me.

- I started a band.

- Those bloody Beatles.

- It has nothing to do with the Beatles.

- Does it pay?

- Will do.


- Taxable legit income within
two weeks and I'll go with it.

Otherwise we'll find you a job.

- What's wrong with your proper name?

- I wanted something more unusual, Mum.

- You're cutting all your
ties with who we are.

Look at you.

Martin Jean-Baptiste Deschamps.

(dramatic music)

- [Martin] What's he gonna do with it?

- [Liam} He believes it
will be a landmark Building,

eventually like the Lager building,

only this will be the Arnold building.

- Needs a bit of work.

- Yeah well, Arnold thinks it's beautiful.

And what can you say to someone

who believes they can walk on water?

- Where are the wires?

- He won't know.

The box cost a tenner.

The system 400 include installation.

By just putting the box
up, I'm 390 quid ahead.

- Yeah, but he'll see it's just a box.

- No he won't, because he never goes out.

He'll never come down here.

- Don't you think you're taking a piss?

- Is it my fault that he wants to do

all his business from home?

He's mad.

- If it were me, I'd be out
in the raz, having a laugh.

That's not me.

Got to convince my probation officer

I'm not some worthless do-nothing.

- All you need is a receipt for the gig?

- Well, just a bit of paper,

something that says I pay tax.

- Nobody pays tax, lad.

- Legit income, they said.

- That could be anything,
20 quid or something.

- Yeah I suppose.

- Hey listen, I've got
a mate who's got a pub.

It's a bit rough like,
but they have bands on.

- Great!

I mean, any gig would be a good gig.

What an experience, playing
live in front of a crowd.

- Don't get so excited.

Like I said, it's a bit of a rough pub.

- Yeah, but a gig.

It's what it's all about, isn't it?

(hard rock music)

- Get out of here!

So what are you doing later?

- So what kind of music
this band play then?

Metallica, is it?

- That sort of thing, yeah.

Maybe a slight variation.

- I've never heard a trumpet
on a Metallica record.

- Well it depends how
you use them, doesn't it?

Any chance to sort the money out?

- Never heard of a band
actually wanting to go

through the books like.

- Yeah, well you know what it's like

having the taxman on your back.

- Tell me about it.

(hard rock music)

(swing music plays)

- Good evening, all you
groovy cat swing-boppers.

Hey, hope you'se all got
your jiving licenses,

because tonight is gonna be a wild ride.

So fasten your safety belts as we career

down the boulevard of golden dreams

with the Martin Jean-Baptiste
Deschamps Orchestra.

And I am Martin Jean-Baptiste Deschamps.

(swing music)

- That is not Metallica.

- Well it gets better.

- No it fucking doesn't.

(loud heavy metal music plays)

- I tried telling you
it wasn't a proper gig.

- That was embarrassing,
totally embarrassing.

- Yeah but look what you got out of it.

It's taxable and legit.

You thought you lost, but you won.

- Doing a favor for Matty is one thing.

But if this starts to get
embarrassing, then we walk.

- [Martin] Mac, look I'm sorry.

We'll get a proper gig
next time, all right?

- I was only trying to help.

- I thought you were wicked.

Will you shake me hand?

- You're using it.

- Hold on.

Bloody enjoyed the show.

(drunk vomits)

- You know, some gigs do
go better than others.

Course it helps if you can
get through your first song.

You'll get over it.

In fact, I think you
should go and have a word

with Mr. John the Baptist Michelle Shard,

or whatever he calls himself.

Go on.

(soft orchestral music)

- Hey Martin!

Oh stop, hey!

What was all that about?

- My brother trying to help.

Not really understanding
what it's all about,

then embarrassing the hell out of me.

- Listen, let's go and
get something to eat.

- Great, now you're
trying to embarrass me.

- How?

- I'm broke, Joan.

- Come on, I know where
we can get a free meal.

(orchestral music)

But you better wash your hands.

(Server laughs)

- Martino!

Long time no see.

- [Martin] Yeah, I've been away.

- I know, I know.

I saw those letters before
she got, you know, married.

(Server speaks in foreign language)

(Joan speaks in foreign language)

(Server speaks in foreign language)

(Joan speaks in foreign language)

- What's all that about?

- Bonisso.

- Oh.

- Listen Martin, tonight was all right.

It's just the wrong venue, that's all.

Every band's got its horror stories.

- My whole life's a horror story.

- You're not going to give up, are you?

You can't stop and start
something new all the time.

This is important.

- Don't want to give up.

It's just, thank you, Mrs. Pirelli.

- A pleasure, Martino.

(Server speaks in foreign language)

- Of course it's going to be tough.

No band's ever had it easy.

- Heckle Hundred, they had it easy.

Spice Girls came on easy for them.

- Oh come on, you're being ridiculous.

As far as I can see, it was a scam by Liam

to get you a contract,

so you can show what you
do is for real, right?

- It is real, isn't it?

- Yes, Biffo, so we can move on.

Thanks a lot.

- [Waiter] Buon appetito.

- I thought this was off.

- I must've made a mistake.

- You've got to have faith in yourself

before you expect the people
to have any faith in you.

Follow your heart, believe in yourself.

That's all you can do.

- You're really married, aren't you?

- 'Fraid so.

(opera music)

- [Parole Officer] 20 quid?

- Taxable and legit.

Now, can I get on with my life, please?

- Not exactly full-time
gainful employment, is it?

- Am I a special case?

When half the country is unemployed,

I'm the one who's got to
get a job or go back inside.

- Or make the effort to get a job.

No job center, no dough.

- Don't want the dough.

Some people need it, I don't.

- Which leads me to the conclusion

that you survive by illegal means.

- I've got a band, a band that gets paid.

You should be proud of me.

I might just be your one success story.

- I'll be watching you.

- Good, we need all
the support we can get.

(swing music)

♪ Watch the birdie and
take a camera candid shot ♪

♪ Watch the birdie come on
and give it all you got ♪

♪ Watch the birdie just look
around and pick a spot ♪

♪ And hold it ♪

♪ Watch the birdie just
strike a funny pose a while ♪

♪ Watch the birdie and you
can beat that pose a mile ♪

♪ Watch the birdie let me
see your pretty smile ♪

♪ And hold it ♪

- Hello Terry, me old mate.

- Martin, how's the band?

- Coming along great as it happens.

- Be on top of the pops soon, will ya?

- Nah, not that kind of band.

Lot of it, a tea dance sorta thing.

Hey, you do tea dances at
the Viceroy, don't you?

- Well, we do tea, but any dancing,

you'll be out on your ear.

- Wouldn't be a bad idea though, would it?

Tea dance and a dinner dance.

Bring back the good
old Saturday night out.

- We've got a nightclub already.

- Exactly, good connection.

I can see where you're heading.

So we're talking about tradition.

Music, live dance music, in the mood,

leading us to your idea.

- What idea?

- The one you just had, brilliant!

- About what?

- Of course it's short
notice and everything,

but I reckon we should be able

to knock something together by then.

- By when?

- Saturday after next.

The Viceroy Palm Court tea dance.

What a wicked idea.

Hey, it's lucky you know me, isn't it?

Having a band and all.

- No no, I didn't mean--

- Four till six, get the
afternoon punters in.

Get them up and dancing,

then to the bar for an eat and drink,

and then downstairs to the night club.

Terry, you are a genius.

- No, I didn't mean--

- With ideas like that, you won't be

Mr. Assistant Manager Person much longer.

You see, you're a man with a vision,

destined for dizzying heights, Terry.

Dizzying heights.

Okay mate, see you next Saturday.

Don't worry about the advertising.

We'll sort that out.

Just be ready at four, ta ta!

- Yeah but Martin, listen--

♪ Watch the birdie and
take a camera candid shot ♪

♪ Watch the birdie come on
and give it all you got ♪

♪ Watch the birdie just look
around and pick a spot ♪

♪ And hold it ♪

♪ Watch the birdie ♪

(dancers applaud)

- Right well, I think we're ready.

- For what?

- I've got some good news.

- What are you on about?

- A record deal?

- [Martin] Nope.

- Biffo's leaving?

- Shut it, Oi!

- We've got another gig.

- What, back in the Engine
Room, or in the Bogs this time.

- Where?

- A Saturday afternoon tea
dance at the Viceroy no less.

Two weeks time.

- Martin?

- Hello buddy.

- Look, that gig mate,

oh I don't know.

- It's a bit emotional, isn't it?

We've come this far, real gig.

- Yeah.

Yeah, made up for you.

- For us.

- Look, it's the same date as me trial,

for Man United.

- Oh right, well you
gotta make your choices.

Anyways, you're not foreign
enough to play for Man United.

Born in England and all that.

- It's not funny, Martin you know,

it's an opportunity and all.

- Well maybe we can get one of Mac's boys

to cover for you on bass.

- No, they might not be any good.

- You got to do what you got to do.

- Typical.

You've come this far and now
you want to chuck it all in,

for your little wet dream

of playing for that
wankster football club.

- Yeah thanks Oi, just piss off, will ya?

- I know you and me have never got on.

In fact frankly, I think
you're a right plum.

But to drop the group in
favor of a little chance

with a Mancunian nightmare.

- Yeah but,

they're the best team in Europe, right?

There, I've said it.

Best team in the bloody world.

- But you was born in Liverpool, Biffo.

Now I was born in London.

Doesn't make us brothers, you know?

Hatred for all things Man United.

(radio jazz music)

- All right, ma?

- I remember that tune.

- You do?

- It was our favorite.

We used to go dancing down at the Palle,

and wait for that song.

Now you're listening to
it all these years later.

- Me dad danced?

- Oh he was quite chirpy on
his foot was your father.

It wasn't always like this, you know?

Your dad's not a failure.

- Never said he was.

- He's tried his best.

Good night love!

(flash explodes)

(swing music)

- Hey!

This has gotta stop.

I never married a bloody singer.

- You just want to stop the
band, because Martin's in it.

And you're pathetic and insecure.

- I'm not insecure, love.

- Then why'd you have to beat him up?

I married you, didn't I?

Isn't that enough?

- What's got into you, Joan?

You never used to be like this.

You used to respect me.

The fact is, I'm out every night,

risking my life to put food on the table

and clothes on your back.

- Working every night?

- Every frigging night
while you're out singing,

I'm out working.

- Well I rang your station a few times

while you were out working.

- And they said it was your day off.

- I was working.

- That's not what they said.

- Yeah well, they're told
to say that, aren't they?

- What, that it's your day off?

- Undercover.

Yeah, highly sensitive undercover work.

Dangerous undercover work.

Not that you'd understand.

- You've lost the plot, Andy.

I refuse to feel guilty
for enjoying myself.

- So when are we all gonna
come and see you sing, Joan?

- You're not.

- And why not?

- Because it's highly
sensitive, undercover singing.

Dangerous, undercover singing.

I'm sure you understand.

- [Andy] We do favors
for you lot all the time.

- But putting the kid back inside,

because he talked to your wife?

- Talking, or stalking?

- That's a bit of a stretch.

- Listen, things can get very nasty

in your line of work, can't they?

You rely on us, remember?

When the going gets
tough, who do you call?

- Best I can do is not give him any slack.

First violation, I'll make
sure he pays the price.

All right?

- And justice will be served.

- Seen all your posters,
they're all over town.

- Big day today.

Could all be over by half four.

Another dream shattered.

- Or will come true.

I'm surprised you got so far with it.

- Well, life's full of surprises, Dad.

- Anyhow, you make this concert,

you've got a new me.

- Do me best.

(soft music)

- Hey come here.

You're all right?

- Yeah.

(slow jazz music)

- I did leave you a note
about it, Mr. Lewis.

In fact, it looks quite popular.

- Hey good luck!

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the Palm Court.

We're the Martin Locksford Orchestra,

and I'm Martin Locksford.

(swing music)

♪ When I was a kid about half past three ♪

♪ My ma said Daughter come here to me ♪

♪ Says things may come and things may go ♪

♪ But this is one thing
you ought to know ♪

♪ It ain't what you do it's
the way that you do it ♪

♪ That's what gets results ♪

♪ It ain't what you do it's
the time that you do it ♪

♪ That's what gets results ♪

♪ Try hard don't mean a thing ♪

♪ Take it easy easy ♪

♪ And you jive and swing ♪

♪ It ain't what you do it's
the place that you do it ♪

♪ It ain't what you do it's
the time that you do it ♪

♪ It ain't what you do it's
the way that you do it ♪

♪ That's what gets results ♪

(saxophone solo)

♪ You've learned your A B C's ♪

♪ You've learned your D F G's ♪

♪ But this is something
you don't learn in school ♪

♪ So get your hep boots on ♪

♪ And then you'll carry on ♪

♪ But remember not to try too hard ♪

♪ Or it don't mean a thing ♪

♪ It ain't what you do it's
the way that you do it ♪

♪ That's what gets results ♪

♪ It ain't what you do it's
the time that you do it ♪

♪ It ain't what you sing, it's
the way that you sing it ♪

♪ That's what gets results ♪

♪ That's what gets results ♪

(dancers applaud)

(dramatic music)

- Right, out you come lads.

- Free beer, as much as you want to drink.

Go and get pissed off your heads.

- Where?

- At the Viceroy Palm Court.

- What is a Viceroy?

- Come on mate, off you go.

Four five to control,
four five to control.

Disturbance at the Viceroy.

Require immediate assistance, over.

(swing music)

- Excuse me.

I know we're not appropriately dressed.

A police officer told us
there was free beer here.

- No, not here.

- Typical copper get everything wrong.

- Is that swing music?

- Yeah, downstairs in the Palm Court.

- Wonderful, mind if we take a look?

- No, not at all.

Can't judge a book by its cover, eh?

♪ Blitzkrieg baby you look so cute ♪

♪ All dressed up in your parachute ♪

♪ Let that problem get away ♪

♪ Blitzkrieg baby care for me ♪

♪ I'll give you one ♪

- Cracking band.

Oh hello, are you here for a wedding?

- Yeah.

- My sister got married last year.

She's ever so happy.

- Really good.

- How is she, Bon?

- Oh yeah, ever so happy yeah.

- Local band?

- Local band, really good.

- Swinging, swinging beautiful.

- You like this sort of music, then?

- Lovely.

(swing music)

(running footsteps)

- What's the problem?

- There is no problem.

(hits Terry)

- [Andy] There is now.

(swing music)

♪ Blitzkrieg baby you care for me ♪

♪ Cause I'm pleading neutrality ♪

- I'm very disappointed.

- Why?

(headbutts drunk)

- I don't believe this.

(guests yelling)

(chair smashes)

(slow jazz music)

- Martin Locksford, band leader no less.

We have reason to believe that you caused

this little affray.

Which I also believe is a
violation of your license.

- He didn't do nothing.

- Stay out of this, please ma'am.

- You're nicked, pal.

- You wanker.

(pole hits cop)

- Does this mean that we're like

boyfriend and girlfriend again?

- Come on quick.

(playful jazz music)

- Looking on the light side of shite,

the band played a blinding gig,

and people actually danced to our music.

Which is more than I thought about.

- It was great.

And the only thing that went wrong,

the only thing, was
when those riots coppers

started getting busy
storming the building,

and kicked seven shades of
shite out of the dancers

for no apparent reason.

Apart from that, it was great.

Well not to mention the mild irritation

that your husband, (scoffs) husband,

- Not anymore.

- He's gonna blame me for this

and he'll lock me up
and throw away the key.

- There is that.

Martin, I'm so sorry.

- Do you know what though?

- What?

- The best thing about all of this,

that you and me seem to
be thrown together again,

as in you and me, together.

That alone makes it all worthwhile.

- You can't go home tonight.

They'll be looking for you.

(slow orchestral music)

(door smashes)

- Hey, have you got a warrant?

- Size ten Doc Martin
good enough for you, luv?

- Got the wrong house, no villains here.

- What about a scumbag
by the name of Martin?

Jean-Baptiste Deschamps.

Violation of his license,
causing an affray.

- He's not here.

- Well, where is he then?

- God knows.

You're his alpha, right?

- I'm his dad, yeah.

- You must be very disappointed.

What a waste of time, eh?

All those traumatic teenage years.

Do your best.

And then he ends up a scully do-nothing.

- Here, hold up.

- Or maybe you're just
a do-nothing father.

Like useless father, like useless son.

- You might have a point there.

Truth, done me best.

Might well have failed.

Might be useless in your eyes.

My lad might mean
nothing to you but to me,

to me, he's everything
I've ever wanted to be.

He's got heart, you see.

He's got soul.

What have you got?

Tin badge, pair of big boots.

Big fucking deal, pal.

He's not here, so piss off.

- Joan, is that you?

- Yes mum.

(Mother speaks in foreign language)

(Joan speaks in foreign language)

(Mother laughs)

- What'd she say?

- She said that I should
take you inside and shag you.

- Yeah right.

- Wasn't bad for the Sex Pistols, was it?

Now all they gotta do is
say fuck on the telly.

- Yeah, I can see it working.

I've always loved swing music.

- Really?

- Seriously.

I always thought I was destined
to be a master musician.

That is of course, before I
got into the lottery business.

- You worked in a factory.

- That was just a hobby.

- So you don't think
luck had anything to do

with you winning the lottery then.

- Great inventor, brilliant businessman.

A world visionary.

Lottery winner.

It's a very fine line.

- It's just six numbers.

- The right six.

Maybe your numbers come up.

I mean my idea.

- Your idea?

- Yeah.

My idea of turning the Arnold
building into a swing venue.

It's a good one, eh?

- Yeah and the publicity's free.

- There you go, Rupert old son.

- So you're gonna come to the gig then?

- I don't like to mix with the public.

- Yeah, but this is a special occasion.

Your foray into club land.

I mean, you're the mentor behind us.

You got to give us your
blessing, so to speak.

- Well, I suppose I could
benefit them with my presence.

It's not everyday you see someone
with my stature out there,

with the people.

Maybe my luck will rub off on you lot, eh?

All right, I'll be there.

(penguins chirping)

- Steam in two minutes later,

and there's the other soft
bastards eating all the cakes.

(cops laughing)

And dancing to the swing
band, so I butted the bird.

I thought, you know what?

This is personal, this.

This is where respect cuts in.

I mean, what is a man supposed to do?

- Hiya Andy.

Can I have a word?

- You can have two, frig off.

(cops laugh)

- Look, we need to talk.

- We just did.

Still here then?

- I tried, Andy, I tried.

(cops laughing)

- Come on, in you go.

(suspenseful music)

- I mean, come on fellas.

This is the nineties.

A man shouldn't be ashamed of being a man.

- And now a request for PC Andy Ark.

A little something from the heart

for a man of boundless passion.

- [Andy] Come on Joan luv,
make me happy officer.

- [Joan] And if you are a happy officer?

- [Andy] Then Officer Andy
Pandy won't have a problem,

will he?

- [Joan] Not the handcuffs, Officer.

I'll do anything.

- [Andy] Aye, and a sad you mean.

- [Joan] Oh don't worry, luv.

- Bitch!

(cops laughing and applauding)

Joan, open the door.

I said open the door now!

- [Andy] You are very naughty.

(door smashes)

- You don't look like
a happy officer, Andy.

- Bitch!

(smashes recorder)

- It's me you should be mad at.

Not Martin.

Why didn't you just leave him alone?

- Leave him alone, leave him alone?

Just you wait and see
what I'm gonna do to him

when we find him.

He won't be laughing when
I put him inside forever.

- Forever?

And how are you gonna do that?

- Any way I sudden well like,

do you hear me?

You see, the Viceroy was nothing, Joan.

That was easy.

I'm a meter measure officer.

I can make that crime fit anyone.

- Hello there, ladies and gentlemen.

- You lousy bitch!

- A word in your ear, Officer Happy.

- [Martin] He confessed?

- You don't have to
worry about him anymore.

- Shame really, getting
used to the tension.

- I'm used to give a size
12 Doc Martin on my keeps,

I've been told.

- Better not waste any time, just in case.

- Make every second count.

- Gonna have to catch you.

(knocking on window)

- I called a meeting of the band.

- What band?

- Our band.

- I've called this meeting

because I don't want
this band to fall apart,

just because of a dodgy start.

- You're too late, it's
already falling apart.

- But it's the music that's important.

You've got to hold onto that.

We've got to have another go.

I mean, you're doing really well.

I mean, what did you have
before we had the band.

- Football, all right?

I had me football.

- We were playing for something
worthy, a higher cause.

I'm working nights now, and
I'm still Skint Eastwood.

- I could go out shagging,
instead of rehearsing.

- And we could be on the piss.

- Oh come on, give him a chance.

- All right, but apart from all of that,

where would we be without the band?

All right, a gig at the Arnold building.

100 pound, cash in hand on the night.

- Are you talking about a hundred pounds

as in per person?

- Guaranteed, this gig is
very important to my brother.

- Hey, this is serious now.

This isn't about favors for uncles,

or who gets firstborns.

You know what we do to
people who lie to us.

- It's legendary, Mac.

- All right, we're in.

(swing music)

♪ Baby I need your lovin' ♪

♪ I need your lovin' ♪

♪ Although you're never near ♪

♪ Your voice I often hear ♪

♪ Another day another night ♪

♪ I long to hold you tight ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm so lonely ♪

♪ Baby I need your lovin' ♪

♪ Got to have all your lovin' ♪

♪ Baby I need your lovin' ♪

♪ Got to have all your lovin' ♪

♪ Some say it's a sign of weakness ♪

♪ For someone to have to beg ♪

♪ Then weak I'd rather be ♪

♪ If it means havin' you to keep ♪

♪ 'Cause lately I've been losin' sleep ♪

♪ Baby I need your lovin' ♪

♪ Got to have all your lovin' ♪

♪ Baby I need your lovin' ♪

♪ Got to have all your lovin' ♪

♪ Baby I need your lovin' ♪

♪ Got to have all your lovin' ♪

♪ Baby I need your lovin' ♪

♪ Got to have all your lovin' ♪

(saxophone solos)

- Locksford.

- Thanks.

- Who invited you?

- It's all in the family.

- Speak for yourself.

- An old man told about this little band,

when we had our meeting
about the children.

- What children?

- Didn't he tell you?

Oh dear.

♪ This emptiness won't
let me live without you ♪

♪ This loneliness inside me darlin' ♪

♪ Makes me feel half alive ♪

♪ Baby I need your lovin' ♪

♪ Got to have all your lovin' ♪

♪ Baby I need your lovin' ♪

♪ Got to have all your lovin' ♪

♪ Baby I need your lovin' ♪

♪ Got to have all your lovin' ♪

♪ Baby I need your lovin' ♪

♪ Got to have all your lovin' ♪

♪ Baby baby baby ♪

♪ Oh my baby ♪

♪ Baby baby babe ♪

(crowd applauds)

- When you got it, you got it.

It is something that nobody can tell you

When you got it, man you know.

- And now for a little classic swing.

Me dad's favorite, as it happens.

Dad, this one's for you mate.

(swing music)

♪ One night Farmer Brown
was takin' the air ♪

♪ Locked up the barnyard
with the greatest of care ♪

♪ Down in the hen house
somethin' stirred ♪

♪ When he shouted, "Who's there?" ♪

♪ This is what he heard ♪

♪ There ain't nobody
here but us chickens ♪

♪ There ain't nobody here at all ♪

♪ So calm yourself and stop that fuss ♪

♪ There ain't nobody here but us ♪

♪ We chickens tryin' to
sleep and you butt in ♪

♪ And hobble hobble hobble
hobble with your chin ♪

♪ There ain't nobody
here but us chickens ♪

♪ There ain't nobody here at all ♪

♪ You're stompin' around
and shakin' the ground ♪

♪ You're kickin' up an awful dust ♪

♪ We chicken's tryin' to
sleep and you butt in ♪

♪ And hobble hobble hobble
hobble, it's a sin ♪

♪ Tomorrow is a busy day ♪

♪ We got things to do We got eggs to lay ♪

♪ We got ground to dig
and worms to scratch ♪

♪ It takes a lot of sittin'
gettin' chicks to hatch ♪

♪ There ain't nobody
here but us chickens ♪

♪ There ain't nobody here at all ♪

♪ So quiet yourself and stop that fuss ♪

♪ There ain't nobody here but us ♪

♪ Kindly point that gun the other way ♪

♪ And hobble hobble hobble
off and hit the hay ♪

(saxophone solo)

♪ Tomorrow is a busy day ♪

♪ We got things to do we got eggs to lay ♪

♪ We got ground to dig
and worms to scratch ♪

♪ It takes a lot of sittin'
gettin' chicks to hatch ♪

♪ There ain't nobody
here but us chickens ♪

♪ There ain't nobody here at all ♪

♪ So quiet yourself and stop that fuss ♪

♪ There ain't nobody here but us ♪

♪ Kindly point that gun the other way ♪

♪ And hobble hobble hobble
off and hit the hay ♪

♪ It's easy pickins' ♪

♪ Ain't nobody here but us chickens ♪

(crowd applauds and cheers)

- It's a blinding gig, I'll tell you.

We didn't get buggered off.

Made Swastika look like
a lot of old poo fi.

You was brilliant, you was brilliant.

- Thanks man, that really means a lot,

coming from a professional and all that.

Well at least we had a bit
of good luck for a change.

- The harder you work,
the luckier you get.

- That was incredible, superb.

Did you hear that crowd?

What a boost.

Now I'll buy a studio
and we'll make an album.

- What, a record deal?

- We'll create a record company.

I've always wanted to
own a record company.

And an airline, maybe an island.

And a big record shop.

I'll have my people call your people.

- Bleeding Arnold, thanks mate.

- I'll make this a weekly event.

We'll make a fortune.

And I'll tell you what,

now that you've proved yourselves,

I'll even pay you the next time.

- Is he serious?

- Yeah, sounds like it, doesn't it?

- Listen man, thanks mate.

- The thing is, the
thing is with the group,

you got to have faith.

- And a big paycheck.

Talking, I was.

- Yahoos, loads of money.

Some for everyone.

There you go, there's yours.

There's yours, now mate.

Ladies next.

Here you are, here you are mate.


- Nope, no thank you.

- We actually got paid.

- What did you expect?

Told you, didn't I?

- Look out the door, see
if anyone's plucking.

(group laughs)

- [Group] Cheers!

(bottles clinking)

- Hey, what the hell's going on?

- What?

- Where'd you get the
money to pay the band?

- Arnold, what do you mean?

- He told the band they
were getting paid nothing.

Then you go and pay them 100 quid each.

- Yeah well he must be confused.

Must've got it wrong, eh?

- What have you done?

(swing music)

- Bollocks!



Me stuff, me stuff!

The bastards have got me right off.

Bloody Liam!

- What?

- It's okay, I made it look
like a proper break-in.

He'll never know it was us.

- Us?

It wasn't bloody us.

- It was too good an opportunity to miss.

I mean, he never goes out.

I never thought he'd like you.

- Why not?

- Because you're not very good.

- He bloody well loved us.

He wants us to play every week.

He was even going to pay for a record.

- Well how was I supposed to know?

Everything you've done
has turned to shite.

(walkie-talkie chatters)

- Oh Jesus.

Why should I go down for you?

Why did I put up with
all that shite in prison?

Just so you could fuck it up for me again.

- Shut it, Martin, we're family.

- What's family got to do with it?

Did family make you admit
that the builder's society job

was your idea.

- I said shut it!

Or stop you getting
Arnold out of his house,

so you could rob it.

You are a cheap thief, Liam.

What do you mean, we weren't very good?

- What I said.

- Bastard!

(punches Liam)

- I hope you didn't give up
your day job for them two.

- Right, two for one.

Nick them both.

- [Joan] Get off him.

He hasn't done anything.

Get off him!

He hasn't done nothing.

- Street fighting is a clear
violation of his license.

- Come on.

- Don't make it worse.

- Let go of me.

(punches cop)

- Yeah!

(swing music)

(soft saxophone music)

(clock ticking)

(cards blowing)

(door slides open)

- There you go lads, see you next week.

- Well, she said she'd be here.

("Mack The Knife")

- You ready to make a record then?

- You're kidding me.

- You thought you'd lost, but you've won.

Arnold might be mental, but
he actually came through.

You inspired him.

(crowd applauds)

♪ Oh the shark has pretty teeth dear ♪

♪ And it shows them pearly white ♪

♪ Just a jackknife has MacHeath dear ♪

♪ And he keeps it out of sight ♪

♪ When that shark bites
with his teeth dear ♪

♪ Scarlet billows start to spread ♪

♪ Fancy gloves though
wears MacHeath dear ♪

♪ So there's not a trace of red ♪

♪ Now on a sidewalk Sunday morning ♪

♪ Lies a body just oozin' life ♪

♪ Someone's sneaking 'round a corner ♪

♪ I'll bet that someone that
someone's Mack The Knife. ♪

♪ From the tugboat by the river ♪

♪ The cement bag's droppin' down ♪

♪ The cement's just
just for the way dear ♪

♪ Bet you I bet you Jacky's back in town ♪

(saxophone duet)

♪ Louis Miller he disappeared dear ♪

♪ After drawin' out all his cash ♪

♪ And MacHeath spends just like a sailor ♪

♪ Did the boy do somethin' rash ♪

♪ Suki Tawdry Jenny Diver ♪

♪ Holly Pitcher and Lucy Brown ♪

♪ Oh the line forms on the right dear ♪

♪ Now that Macky's back in town ♪

♪ Now that Macky's back in town ♪

(crowd applauds and cheers)

(swing music)