Sweet Potato Pie (2004) - full transcript
Captioning made possible by
lions gate films
♪ love me, don't leave me
♪ just make sure
you please me ♪
♪ and everything
will be all right ♪
♪ take time to ask me
♪ you know that
that flatters me ♪
♪ to know that
you're by my side ♪
♪ I get the feeling
♪ I'm going to stay
♪ if you keep on
treating me right ♪
♪ you just make sure that
♪ you have no doubt
♪ and everything
will work out fine ♪
♪ loving me up,
loving me down ♪
♪ naturally
♪ always worth the effort
♪ eventually I may leave
♪ think of me
and you'll likely see ♪
♪ that you can never
waste no time ♪
♪ love me, don't leave me
♪ just make sure
you please me ♪
♪ and everything
will be all right ♪
♪ take time to ask me
♪ you know that
that flatters me ♪
♪ to know that
you're by my side ♪
Perry!
Wake your narrow ass up!
Rise and shine, boy!
You act like
you pay the bills
up in here.
I told you,
the only one that's
laying up in here is me!
Damn!
Another wet dream.
Oh, yes...
Oh, yes!
Ooh...oooh!
I'm coming...I'm coming!
Ooh!
That's what
I'm talking about.
[Knock on door]
Chuck!
You've been in there
for an hour.
Let me in!
Mama!
Mama! Chuck's hogging up
the bathroom again!
Damn!
Can't a brother
handle his business?
Can't a sister
get in the bathroom?
Nope,
there's nothing better
than having your hand
as a girlfriend.
My baby...[Kiss]
Ohh...trey!
Come back to bed.
Come satisfy me
with that...Big...
Lollipop.
[Telephone rings]
Hello?
Hello, can I speak
to Mira?
Mira? Mira who?
My right nut
in your mouth!
Yo, where Perry at?
Chuck, is that you?
I thought your phone
got shut off.
You calling from
your neighbor's again, huh?
Perry, phone!
It's that black termite
again!
Shut your little
stupid ass up.
What's up, fool?
What you doing?
Ah, man. Just sitting here
chillin', man.
I'm trying to get myself
out quick, man,
before my parents
have me doing some shit.
Let's hit up Trey
and meet up at the speezee.
Sure. Call him.
Hold up.
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
Hello? Who this be?
Trey, this is Joe.
Joe? Joe who?
Joe mama, fool!
Yo, get ready, man.
We're about to roll
to the speezee, dawg,
so we call roll
this bleezee!
All, right, fools.
I'll be there in a second.
I got to wait for enchilada
to sneak out of here.
Oh, man...Sneak out!
Even Stevie wonder
can see that fat bitch
trying to sneak out!
You better roll her out
like a tortilla
and get to the spot
before you fuck up
the rotation.
I'll be there in a bit,
all right? Peace.
All right.
All right.
Later.
See, these kids are doing it
all wrong today.
We used to be sweet
back in the old days.
Old school, that's
what I'm taking about.
Write love letters,
send them roses,
have them eating out
of the palm of our hands.
We were smooth.
We knew how to rap.
We talked to the women.
Then they'd give us
anything we wanted.
Nowadays,
like I tell my son Perry,
all they going for
is the sweet potato pie.
Boo-ya!
They're looking for
instant gratification.
It ain't happening.
The women don't like that.
They're doing it all wrong.
They got to go back
to the old school.
The old days,
it's the only way.
Perry! Perry!
Yeah?
Before you take
your trifling ass anywhere,
I have a few things
I want you to do for me.
What, mama? Dang!
I need you
to wash the car,
mow the lawn,
clean the dishes,
do the laundry,
pick up tay tay,
take out the trash,
vacuum,
and clean the toilets.
And by the way,
paint the house.
What?
And when you're done
with that shit,
then you can go hang
with your friends.
Mama, by the time
I finish that
that's going to be
next year.
What's peaches doing?
Remember
she did it last time.
We're gonna get
our nails done.
See ya.
Hey, man, did you see j.Lo
on bet last night?
She was looking like
a whopper.
That ass is phat!
I'm tired
of being a virgin.
Me, too.
What the fuck is wrong
with y'all?
Being a virgin
is the greatest gift
a fool can have.
Yeah, right, Chuck.
How many niggers you know
that are still virgins?
Well...3.
Who?
Yo--
you, me, and Trey.
Oh, man.
Yo, dude,
you forgot about Malone.
Malone? Malone who?
My lone-ass dick,
motherfucker.
Anyways, it's true.
Personally, I don't
see anything wrong
with us being virgins.
Someday we'll find us
some virgin females
or something.
Yo, Chuck, when?
When's this gonna happen?
I don't know.
Just be patient.
Man,
Patience is all I have,
and I'm having wet dreams
about Halle Berry.
Relax, Perry.
Use your hand, Perry.
It helps.
You're a sick motherfucker.
What?
I agree with Perry, man.
Why don't we just
find us some hos,
get busy with them?
Hos?
Are you serious, Trey?
What happened
to that fat-ass piñata
girlfriend of yours?
Ain't she 30 or something?
Look, fools, first of all,
she's not fat,
she's just big-boned.
Second of all,
she's not 30-something,
she's just 30.
Yeah right. Whatever.
Same thing.
No, it's not, man.
Look, enchilada and I,
we've never done nothing
together, man.
We ain't even had sex.
Y'all never had sex?
Man, how long
y'all been together?
Like a week.
A week, and you still
haven't hit that shit?
What the fuck
y'all be doing then?
You know, we, uh--
we kiss.
Shit like that, man.
Shit like that?
Man, it's got to be
more to it than that.
What else y'all do?
Well, uh--
you know, she, uh...
Look, the only reason
I'm still a virgin
is simple.
I'm waiting
for the right girl.
You know,
light skin, long hair.
They in style right now.
Mariah Carey's
making a comeback.
Just turn on bet.
She's all over the place.
But on the real--
you cannot rush into
things like this.
A player has got
to take his time.
If you're
going to meet a girl,
maybe hit, whatever,
play it by ear.
Just watch the Mac
do his thing.
That's if
I get a chance, man.
My mom got me doing
these damn chores.
Girl, you are
too funny, ok?
Wait a minute.
Hold on one second.
I'll be right back.
So, here's
what you need to do
to get with
this sweet potato pie.
You got to invest
in this shit, baby.
I need my hair done,
my nails done,
have a fendi bag and a fly whip
to roll around in.
Do you smell me?
You ain't invested
in this yet.
If you can't take care
of a real sister,
you need to get like Michael
and beat it.
'Cause we're tired of
you busted-ass niggers
rolling around
in your mama's car.
Check that.
Girl, let me tell you
what's going on
with this guy.
He is all about lovin', ok?
Like that, Trey?
Damn, girl...
You like that, papi?
Papi like, papi love.
How much you like that,
papi?
I'm going to show you
how much right now.
I'll show you!
Here it comes. Here it comes.
Oh, shit.
My bad.
I didn't feel it
coming on so soon.
That's for
my westside boys.
Let me grab you
a wet-nap or something.
That's all she does,
dudes,
so, uh,
technically speaking,
I'm still a virgin.
You got to get
your head right, man.
What?
Man, you all fools.
All that pussy
and all you do
is let that fat bitch
Jack you off?
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
Are you scared?
Man, if you think
I'm going to lose
my virginity
to some fat ugly bitch
then you're wrong,
dawgs.
Trey gonna get broken off
by a proper female,
like Beyonce.
What the fuck
are you with her
fat ass for then?
To keep you warm
in the winter?
I don't know, man.
You know,
spur of the moment.
You know how we do it.
I don't care.
Pussy's pussy.
That's right.
Let me see
an old-ass lady about 80
or something
walking with a cane
down the street--
I'll hit that
saggy old-ass pussy
any day.
What?
Who's the sick
motherfucker now?
Yeah.
Anyways, yo, t?
What's your girl's
name again?
Enchilada.
What the fuck? Enchilada?
Where'd you
meet that girl at,
del taco?
No.
Man, just lay off her.
Brother,
that's your job.
Enchilada may be
fatter than a mother--
all right,
I'll give you that--
but she's still all that
and a bag of chips.
Yeah, sure she is.
And another bag,
and another bag,
and another bag.
Man, fuck you all!
And another bag...
Ah, don't dis my bike.
My grandma gave me that.
Your sister
gave it to you.
Oh, Trey...
Man, I've been
trying to get laid
since I was 16.
Getting some ass
can cost a grip.
I can't even
get past first base
without having to take
a girl to the movies
or to lunch and shit.
I'm still trying.
But just wait.
I've got something
for the honies.
They're not going
to pimp me.
If anything,
I'm going to have
her ass out there
bringing the money home
to daddy.
That's the problem
with y'all niggers today.
You want it all
for nothing.
Let me tell y'all
a little something-something.
If you can't buy me Gucci,
you can't
have this coochie.
Plain and simple.
Look,
all bullshit aside,
I say we get
some coochie right now
or as soon as possible.
Man, I don't know.
My girlfriend might not be
too happy with that.
Girlfriend?girlfriend?
Yeah...handy.
I call my girlfriend,
which happens to be
my right hand.
She's there for me
when I need her.
She's also free.
She just asks that
I keep her massaged up
with lotion.
What?
I'm just playing, dawg.
Them's a joke.
Yo, for real.
I plead the 5th.
Yeah. Me, too.
Anyway, y'all going
to lose your virginity
this week or what?
Oh, man!
My dick's getting hard
just thinking about
these hos.
What's there
to think about anyway?
Either we're down
or we're not.
What's it gonna be,
pimps?
I'm in.
Cool. Chuck?
I don't know.
Nigger!
Hmm...
Let's see.
Pussy...handy.
Pussy...handy.
Pussy...handy.
It's pussy.
And let's go get it.
Cool.
Hey, yo, man--
where're we going?
We're going over
to my heezee.
Why?
To figure out how
to get the pussy.
Oh, for real?
Come on.
Ok, ok.
I could have had coochie
a long time ago.
Perry and Chuck--
they don't know
what's crackalackin'.
[Dogs barking]
I hear you, pooches.
You know what I'm saying?
I realize
you got to be smooth
with the ladies
to get what you want.
You got to tell them
whatever the hell
they want to hear.
You know?
Believe me, dawg,
it works like magic.
Just ask enchilada.
Actually, you know what?
Scratch that.
That's a bad idea.
I'm just
test-driving her for now.
I'm waiting for
the fine Princess of my life
to come rolling up on me.
She's going to be
asking me out.
I ain't got to do none
of the grunt work anymore.
Although I can be smooth.
This is Trey
you're talking to.
Ha ha!
Put up a little rhyme.
I got a bunch of money
in my hand.
It's coming, too.
We shall see.
Ah, man,
I got this, man!
Yo, Chuck, hand me a pen
and a piece of paper.
It's about to be on!
Yeah,
I'm talking about hot!
Now look, dawgs,
what we need to do
is form
a couple of plans.
Y'all following me?
Any suggestions?
Let's go.
Fuck a plan.
Let's just do it.
Just hear me out, dawg.
We form
a couple of plans,
all is well, man.
We go get us
some pussy, man.
Every pimp in L.A.
had a plan
before he got him some.
You know this, dawgs.
We need to be up
out in that hood, man,
getting some tips.
What if the plan
doesn't work out?
That's why we form
a lot of them, man.
Front and back--
paper all day.
Come on!
Ways of getting pussy.
Plan a.
I got an idea.
We go to Hollywood,
right?
We walk
to sunset boulevard.
Find us some prostitutes.
Pay for some
stanky pussy, man!
You crazy, man?
Oh, suppose though,
we go up on
fox hills mall, man.
Forever 21 having
a gang of hos up in there.
That's a bad idea.
Look, those girls ain't
thinking about no dick.
They got clothes
on their mind.
Besides,
they all high maintenance.
Yeah, you right, dawg.
I got it.
What if we go on
the Internet
and go into
one of those chat rooms
and find a few bitches?
Yeah.
I met some
fine hos online before.
I don't got a computer.
I mean,
I'm getting one, but...
Not 'til Christmas.
You're stupid, man.
We need one now.
Scratch that.
Yo, I got it.
I got it, man.
I'm coming home
from the store, right?
I'm just
walking down the street.
And this porno director
comes up to me, man,
tells me how he wants me
to be in a porno,
offers me 5 gs
just to fuck some bitch
in front of a camera.
I told him
I have to think about it.
You know
what I'm saying, but...
I ain't hollered at him
since, you know?
Still got his number?
Oh, shit...
Hell, yeah!
Write that shit down.
Porno...nice, tight.
Plan b.
Plan b?
I got it.
The strip joint.
Some fine-ass hos
in there, boy!
Yeah,
the strip joint!
Plan c.
How many fucking plans
we gonna have?
Just chill out, man.
One more. Let's go.
I got it.
My cousin Regina.
She be having barbecues
over at her house
all the time.
Then she be inviting
her female friends
over, too.
Which I think
is fucked up.
She never invites me.
I got a problem
with that.
I'm going to let her
know what's crackin'.
When is she having
another barbecue, dawg?
I'm going to have to bust
some new ecko gear.
Smash on them hos.
I'll find out.
I gotta
find her hook-up.
Yeah...b-b-q.
All right, gentlemen,
what we have here
is a mission to complete.
This is mission impossible.
If we choose for the pussy
to be de-virginized,
that's on us.
The pussy
shall self-destruct in--
beep beep--48 hours.
Yo, so, uh...
What do we do now?
Why don't you call
that porno director up?
Show the way!
Hey, what's up.
Is this Mike capello?
Hey, what's up, dawg?
This is Trey Williams.
Uh, Trey Williams.
We met sometime
last month
outside that
little mini-mart.
Y'all still
don't remember me?
How about this--
I'm the brother
with the bad breath.
Yeah, that's me,
that's me, yeah, ok.
Yeah, anyways, man,
what I was wondering was
if you're still filming
those porno movies.
Yeah, huh?
Yeah, I'd be down
to get paid to get laid.
Yeah, for sure, for sure.
What was that? Really?
What was
that title again?
Oh, shit!
That's a sick title, man.
Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
I'll be your star.
No doubt, man.
Hey, but actually,
I was kind of wondering
if I could get
some of my friends
to come down with me,
maybe co-star with me
with some of
your fine actresses.
Uh-huh. All right,
cool, cool, man.
That sounds good.
So, let's see-
how do we go about, uh,
getting started with this?
Uh-huh.
Ok. Ok, then, man.
Sounds good.
All right,
I'll see you then.
All right, later.
What did he say?
Man, he said
tomorrow morning
we roll up to his place
and get started.
Damn,
that's tight!
And that's just
the beginning of it, man.
We each get
a copy of the porno,
they're going to feed us,
and we each get
2 gs apiece
just to fuck
some fine-ass porno bitch
on camera, man.
It is on!
Fellas,
we got things to do,
places to go,
women to see.
Yo, fellas,
I think it's time
to put plan a
into action.
You know
what I'm saying?
There's no
turning back now.
What's up, fellas?
Hey, what's going on?
We're having a private
lingerie party later.
Must be there.
It'll be fun.
Damn!
One more time again.
One time again.
Hey, what's up,
Derek?
Yo,
I mean crazy loc.
What's up, man?
What's up, losers?
We was wondering--
you want to get
some of this?
Y'all got your allowance?
Come on and get some.
We need your help,
dawg.
We're trying to get
some pussy.
We need a ride.
Trey got some
freaky shit lined up.
Y'all got some money?
Nobody rides in my shit
for free.
We got you, crazy loc.
Yo, here's a dubb.
Hey, I got
to pick something up
before I take y'all.
Cool.
[Alarm chirps]
Open the door, man.
You two are sitting
in the back seat.
All right, listen up.
I'm about to handle
my business, all right?
None of y'all bitches move
'til I get back.
Got it?
This fool is crazy,
man.
We're going to die
virgins.
I don't want to die
no virgin.
Ain't he on probation,
man?
Why's he fucking around?
We didn't need a ride
this bad, Trey!
My ass would have walked
like a Hebrew slave.
Oh, shit, man.
Is today the 1st?
He's got to break
his baby mama alize
off some cheese, man.
What?
He do this
once a month.
He'll be out.
He'll be out.
Fuck that, man.
This was your idea.
Why don't you make
a bigger scene, huh?
Why don't you make
a bigger scene?
What's up?
Got y'all some extra cash.
Trey: That's what
I'm talking about!
I don't know shit.
Trey, here's a little money
from the robbin' spree.
Don't tell anybody
or I'll beat your asses.
Oh, hell no.
Damn! This brother's
living large!
He is pimping it!
Listen, men.
Y'all remember we's
proper gentlemen, ok?
Who's about to get laid.
Hey, Trey,
what's going on, man?
How y'all doing?
Find your way ok?
I remember, you told me
where you live before.
Right, right, right.
This is Perry,
this is Chuck, man.
We all came up
together.
All right,
I'll get y'all in the back
so you can meet
the lead actress
and we'll get you...
Fluffed up.
Follow me, gentlemen.
Ok, guys, this is my director
of photography Neal.
Our script supervisor
Jacob.
And last
but not least,
that's our producer
Dominic.
Dominic, these are
our motherfucking stars.
Cool, cool, cool.
And finally, our actress
should be coming out here
any minute.
And our lead actress
anaconda.
Hold up.
Theanaconda?
That's right, baby.
In the flesh.
Damn, girl!
You even finer in person.
I got a collection
of all your videos.
Really?
I'm flattered.
I'm just trying
to do my thing.
Hey now...
And my dick's
getting fatter, too.
Excuse me?
I was just telling them
how much I adore you.
Oh, why, thank you.
I adore you, too.
Yeah, me, too.
You two are too much.
You fucking copycats.
You're messing up my Mac.
Look, why don't you guys
go in the back,
get undressed,
be ready in like
10 minutes.
I'm going to do
a run-through with anaconda,
all right?
What are we supposed
to wear?
It's a fucking
porn video, man.
You're not wearing
nothing.
Except when you first
come in the room,
in your drawers,
one by one.
We're about to get some
sweet potato pie.
All right?
Comprende?
Yeah, man.
We're ready to go.
Good. Let's go.
Hurry up.
All right, all right,
all right.
Good shit, good shit.
Y'all ready to do this?
Hell, yeah!
Where's your friend at?
He's coming.
What? Already?
[Chuckles]
Little porno humor.
Don't worry about it.
I feel ya, I feel ya.
Hey, man,
what's this all about?
Why are you dressed?
I can't get it up.
Look, are you
getting undressed
like your friends?
We ain't got all day,
man.
I'm having second thoughts.
Man, what are you doing?
You're embarrassing us
in front of anaconda.
Come on, negro,
stop trippin' and get busy.
Here, brother.
Let a sister
help you out.
Damn!
Those are off the charts!
Look at them
big-ass titties!
They out of control.
Man, those titties
are the same size
as enchilada's
left butt cheek, man.
And that's fucking huge!
So, does this help?
Oh, you got to be
fucking kidding me, man.
Somebody get his
square ass
up out of here
right now.
Perry! Perry!
Wake your ass up!
Perry!
Look,
forget about him, man.
He'll be fine, ok?
We got to get
this work done.
Now, who's first, man?
Ok...ok.
Oh, shit, hold up, man.
It's raining.
We're going
to take it inside, man.
It's cold.
Get your clothes.
Perry, man, get up!
Perry!
All right,
the show must go on.
Trey, this is what
I want you to do.
Come in,
take your underwear off,
get behind anaconda,
and serve her ass.
For sure.
I'm straight, dawg.
Let's do this.
Let's get this shit
cracking.
Whoo-hoo!
All right.
Camera rolling?
Camera's rolling.
And...action.
Show anaconda
what you've got down there.
Oh, yeah.
Ohh!
What the--
that was all right,
baby.
I can't believe it!
Believe what?
Are you serious?
Cut!
What the hell is
is wrong with you, man?
You're fucking up
my shoot, man.
What'd I do wrong?
You was humping
my fucking thigh.
You mean that
wasn't your pussy?
No! You was humping
my fucking thigh.
And I didn't feel shit.
Man...look, man, just--
Mike, where'd you get
this fool from?
Hold on just a second--
no. Forget it.
Forget it.
Chuck? Chuck?
Come on, Chuck.
Get in here, Chuck.
Fuck, Chuck.
Come on, Chuck.
Get your ass
out of here.
Bald-headed fool.
Get my gun, all right?
Because I'm going to have
to shoot this motherfucker.
If he's bullshittin',
we got to get this shot.
I'll do it.
Ok, ok.
Hopefully
you can do better
than your
fucking punk-ass partner
Trey over here.
I can still hear you.
I'm still in the room.
Trey,
shut the fuck up.
Yeah, so don't
fuck it up, fool!
I got to get mine,
too.
I'll try to do
a better job.
Everybody stand by.
And...Action.
Yeah, baby.
Come show anaconda
what you got.
[Vomits]
Oh, shit!
Damn it! Cut!
That's a wrap.
Get your ass out
of my house.
Get your ass-
my bad.
Fuck you, Chuck.
Dawg,
what are you doing?
Get out of my house.
Get the fuck
out of my house!
Y'all some
fucking idiots, man.
Y'all absolutely
worthless pieces of shit.
Trey, don't you ever
come to my house again.
And that goes for
your two fucking buddies.
You need to learn
what fucking pussy is.
It's not the thigh, dawg.
Don't come back
to my house, man.
Get the fuck
out of here, man.
Hey!
What about my clothes?
Take your clothes
right there.
Get out!
Get off my porch, man!
Get out of here, man.
And pick up
your goddamn socks, man.
Never had no pussy-ass
motherfucking--
asshole!
Perry: I can't believe
this shit, man.
What now?
Now, man...
Now we go to plan b.
Fuck this shit!
Trey: Y'all need to get
your act together right now.
Your scary ass
wouldn't even get undressed.
Who's the one
that brought you here?
Opportunity of a lifetime.
Oh, look
what we have here.
Say what?
Looking fine today.
Man, what'd you say?
Fine and dandy.
What'd you say?
Tell you what--
how about I put
some barbecue sauce
on those ribs, honey?
We don't roll like that.
Your loss.
You could have had this.
Now you'll never know
what you're missing!
Y'all fools got hit on
by Richard Simmons.
Man, fuck you.
This shit ain't funny.
So, what now?
Man, tonight
we go with plan b.
That's right.
The strip joint.
Why not right now?
'Cause first we got to get us
some fake ids.
Where we gonna
get them from,
Einstein?
Man, just leave that
up to me, fool.
Hey, man.
What y'all doing
back here?
We're looking for
frostman.
You got him...
Up close and personal.
What can I do for y'all?
Me and my boys here,
we need 3 ids.
3 ids? You got money?
Of course.
Step into my office.
Damn!
Yo. Make me one
that says I'm 29
so the ladies will know
I'm well-seasoned.
Yeah, like
too much salt.
Man, quit player hatin'.
I can accommodate,
but business first.
What y'all got?
Hold up.
We don't even know
this fool.
How we know
we can trust him?
Might be po po.
You might be
the goddamn mod squad
or somethin', man.
Y'all want this or not?
I got customers waiting.
I see them.
I got people.
So, what's happening, man?
That's what I'm saying.
Hold on, hold on.
Come on, man.
You see it?
You see it all right?
Ok, it looks cool.
Let's get this party started
so these boys
can get out of here
and get them
some freaky shit.
That's what
I'm talking about.
Y'all ain't virgins, right?
Hell, no!Hell, no!
All right, then.
Strike a pose.
You like this shot?
You like that?
Oh, yeah.
Ok...
And that's you
right here.
And that's yours,
all right?
Oh, yeah.
Y'all ain't seen me.
Damn, Perry! Look at
your big-ass head!
Your mama
said that last night
when I was on top
of her big ass.
Man,
let's not get on mama,
especially since
I just get off yours.
Damn, man, I can't believe
we'll be rolling up
in the backyard
strip joint, man.
We're going to get
some Booty!
Yo, that shit
going to be tight!
No doubt.
It's going to be
Friday night,
they're going to have
some specials going on.
We're going to be virgins
no mo'.
Plan b in full effect!
That's what
I'm talking about, dawg.
These guys have to be
killing me, man.
Cats have to be
paying for pussy.
That's about as bad
as it comes, dawg.
All you got to do really
is pay attention.
Just get
a little bit of ass.
It's a good trick,
check this out.
Do this, do this.
Find yourself
a bad little honey, right?
Usually catch them
right when they graduate
from high school,
on graduation,
just keep an eye out.
If possible,
catch them in a pizza shop,
and just get
a $20 bill, dawg.
Just take them by your
goddamn self and represent.
And watch how
she eats that cheese.
Watch how she takes
that long stroke--
[horn honks]
Watch how you drive,
goddamn it!
Screw you!
Yeah, about that cheese.
Then, when you get
all that cheese,
you can learn that fellatio.
Big word for a motherfucker.
That's what
they call blowjob
for you players out there.
Get her to do that
with that cheese,
y'all get that groove
going on,
she ain't never been
they way she been
in high school.
Get in the hotel, dawg.
Play, all day, Jack.
Tell 'em
frosty sent you, too,
when you hit it.
Baller.
They don't like that.
What's up, dawg?
Yo, if I tell
you guys something,
y'all promise not to laugh?
Yeah, man.
Check this out.
Yesterday when I left,
I bought
this sweet potato pie
from this Muslim
standing on the corner
of crenshaw.
I got your bean,
I got sweet potato pie.
Bean pies,
get your bean pies, folks.
Sweet potato pie.
Hey, how much for
a sweet potato pie?
$5, my young brother.
Thank you, brother.
A salaam alaikum.
Yeah, yeah, ok.
Lakers in 4.
Come on, folks.
Get your bean pies.
Then I go home with
the sweet potato pie.
Yo, I'm just
sitting on the couch,
blazing a blunt,
and staring at the pie,
right.
Mama! Pop!
Y'all home?
All of a sudden,
the pie starts to talk to me.
No, uh...Really?
Wow, man. Uh...
What did it say?
Damn! I'm faded.
Female voice:
Hey, Chuck.
Hello?
How you doing,
baby?
Who that is?
This is some good shit!
Hey, Chuck.
Over here...
What the fuck?
This must be
the chronic!
Don't be afraid.
I'm here to satisfy...
Your hunger.
You are hungry,
aren't you?
I'm cool.
I just lost
my appetite.
Hey,
what's in this weed?
I'm fucked up!
Do you want me
to satisfy your hunger?
Hmm?
You've been
a really good boy.
You know you want this.
Taste.
Come on. Come on.
Yeah, that's right,
chuckie.
Are you for real?
You want me to...
Hook it up?
Yes...hook it up.
Come on.
Let me show you what
this sweet potato pie
can do for you.
Ok.
Come on, chuckie.
Come and get it.
Here I come.
Come on.
Yo, it wanted me
to fuck it!
Did you?
Yeah, did you?
Sweet potato pie!
Who's your daddy?
Huh?
Who's your
fuckin' daddy?
Oh, yeah! Oh...Yeah.
Chuck, we're here.
Chuck!
Son, we're here--
hey, pop.
Don't pop me,
motherfucker!
The only thing
you're poppin'
is that
sweet potato pie!
Boy, what the hell's
wrong with you?
You got a fucking problem
or something?
Chuck,
you seen my hair--
oh my god!
Our son is possessed
by the horny devil
himself!
Quick, somebody
call the sexorcist!
Mama, pop, I know
this looks bad, but--
boy, you got issues.
I'm calling
your grandmama.
I--i--i--
i--i--i--hell!
Now you clean yourself up.
You like like a-a-a--
Somalian ho
interested in fucking food
instead of eating it!
Mama...mama!
Mama!
What the fuck
you laughing at?
This shit ain't funny.
Man, a pie, Chuck?
Fucking pies now?
Smoking that shit.
[Trey laughing]
Man, fuck y'all!
I ain't telling
y'all niggers shit no more.
I don't know what the fuck
I was thinking.
Y'all supposed
to be my boys
now y'all blastin' me
and shit?
All right, dawg,
you know what?
'Cause we're boys,
we'll leave that one
alone.
But, my man,
seriously, dawg,
you got some issues,
my man.
That's true.
Talk show issues.
Anyways...what's up
with the strip club tonight?
I got on
my favorite Cologne--
bootylicious.
All the Booty you can get.
[Knock knock]
Aha! What's up, dawg?
Ids, please.
Hey, y'all, they want
to see our ids.
You want to see
our ids?
Let's show her
our ids.
[Zippers]
Identify the dick!
Motherfucking freaks!
Not those ids,
itty, bitty, and mini-mini.
Picture ids!
Oh, why didn't you
say so?
We got those, too.
That's me.
All right.
Get your dumb ass in here.
Ooh,
check this shit out.
Ok, so, uh,
now that we're here,
what do we do now?
Man, when do we get
to fuck these girls?
Hey, man.
Relax, dawg.
Play it cool, man.
We supposed
to be old, right?
♪ Ooh, she's freaky,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ ooh, she's freaky
♪ Eastside, westside,
girl, you get around ♪
♪ Ooh, she's freaky,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Hi, guys.
Would anybody be interested
in a lap dance?
Sure. Why not?
Ok. Follow me.
What's your name?
Chuck.
Chuck?
Uh-huh.
So, what do you want,
Chuck?
Um...i don't know.
You don't know?
Oh, maybe I'll show you.
Those are nice!
Thank you.
I forgot to ask
your name.
Oh, I'm Tequila.
Tequila...
What's your name?
Perry.
Perry?
Yeah.
What can I do
for you, Perry?
A nice dance
would be fine.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
You're next.
So,
what's your name?
My name's Trey.
Trey?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you're a wild one?
Really?
You can just tell that
right now?
Of course I can.
I like it wild.
Do you?
Ride, baby. Shit, ride.
Ok, you guys,
that'll be $100 each.
All: $100 each!?
Um, yeah. Are you deaf
or something?
How much
them lap dances cost?
$50.
And a $50 touching fee.
Touching fee?
What the fuck?
Wait a minute, please.
Can we talk about money
after you fuck us?
Yeah.
Fuck you?
What do you mean?
You know...
Can we fuck?
Yeah, girl,
we want to get
our freak on.
We want to roll you up
like a joint,
hit it, and pass you on.
Hell, no! Security!
Security?
Security?
No, no, no.
That's a big motherfucker.
No, no, no!
Don't push.
What the fuck?
Don't come back here,
you perverted motherfuckers!
Man, I think that girl
gave me blueballs.
Me, too.
My nuts feel like
they're about to explode
quicker than a terrorist
strapped with a bomb.
What are we going
to do now?
Man, let's just
keep walking, man.
We'll think of something.
Come on.
Guys...
Guys, there it is
right up in our face!
Man, y'all thinking
what I'm thinking?
Hell, yeah!
Man, what you guys
talking about?
We can get up in
one of those massage parlors
and pull a couple
of those little honies
to the side.
See what they're doing
after work.
Man, why don't we just
stick to the plan?
Man, that plan
ain't going nowhere!
Dawg, with these ids
we can get into
all kinds of 21 and over
freaky shit.
Hey, man,
if it's gonna get me laid,
I ain't mad at you.
Fellas, the day is young
and we on a mission.
Oh-ho, boys!
So, how I can help
you young men?
We want to check out
some girls
for a little...
You know.
All right.
So, what are you looking for?
The same girl,
different girls?
Or one girl
for all three of you?
You're saying one girl
could take care of
all three of us?
Of course. Why not?
And she can relax your body
in many ways.
And there's always extra.
Yeah.
Let's make this happen.
Just show me some ids
and we'll set you up
with our best.
Show us the way.
Show me the money,
honey.
Keep it coming.
Almost.
You're almost in there.
Don't be trouble.
Hi, guys.
I'll take you back
one at a time
and I'll get you
undressed.
Who's first?
I'm first!
Let a man
handle his business.
I'll come back later.
Ohh...oh, girl.
Oh, yeah, girl.
[Moaning loudly]
[Continues moaning]
Breathe, baby, breathe.
Oh, girl...
Come on, get to it.
Ohh...
[Perry moaning]
[Moaning]
[Calling out
ecstatically]
Damn, baby...Ohh.
[Moaning]
Ok...ok...
Ok!
The ear?
Yeah.
The ear...Ohh!
Breathe, baby.
You're the best.
Oh,
the neck and the ears!
Release all the tension.
You like that?
Oh, man...
Yeah...
You are so tense.
Breathe.
Ooh, yeah!
Ha ha! Yeah!
Breathe.
Papi like. Papi like.
Relax, baby.
Take deep slow breaths.
Nice and slow,
that's it.
Is her appointment done?
They're done.
How you guys doin'?
All right, officer.
We were just getting
our feet massaged.
Doesn't she give
the best damn foot massages
you ever had?
Honey, didn't I tell you
to wait outside
while I have clients?
But the receptionist said
that their time was over
and mine
was just beginning.
You guys
aren't dressed yet?
Um, actually,
we was just
on our way out.
Get the fuck out.
Have a good evening.
I sure will.
We didn't realize
our time was up.
That's ok. Bye.
Yo, I don't want
to sound like a bitch,
but didn't I say
we should all stick
to the plan?
Man, you wasn't moaning
about no plan
when you was laying
on that massage table
doing who knows what.
Yeah, I know somebody
was feeling it.
Did she give
one of y'all blowjobs?
Man, I can't get
my shirt on.
So, what now?
My balls hurt...
Now, plan c.
Man, it better work.
The third time's
a charm.
Chuck, call up
your cousin Regina.
See when she's having
her next barbecue.
No doubt.
Hey, Regina?
What's up, girl?
This is Chuck.
Cool. How you doing?
Good. So, have you had
any barbecues lately?
Really? Oh, you can't invite
a nigger over and shit, huh?
I thought I was family.
Ok, it's all good.
So, when you having
another one?
Really? Cool.
Can me and my boys
roam through?
Cool.
All right, so what time?
3 o'clock? Cool.
So, I'll see you then.
Ok...bye.
Yo, she's
having another barbecue
tomorrow at 3 o'clock.
And we in!
Back in the game,
dawgs.
Chuck and his friends
are coming over today.
They have no clue
of what it takes
to get laid.
If they did know,
they all would have
hit something by now.
Let's just hope they use
the head on their shoulders
and not the one
between their legs
today.
This is it, this is it!
Chuck,
you better be right.
Gang of hos!
We got this.
Trust me!
Oh, hey, Chuck!
What's up, what's up?
Regina,
these are my boys Perry,
and that's Trey.
What's up, girl?
Hi...hi.
If you guys are hungry,
there's food
around back, ok?
Just go ahead.
I was just about to get
the dessert ready.
[Funk rap playing]
Excuse me.
Ooh...uh--
can I help you?
Yeah,
you look familiar.
I do?
Yeah, um--
what's your name?
Connie.
Hi, Connie.
I'm Chuck.
Regina's cousin.
Oh, hi.
I've heard a lot about you.
Really?
Yeah.
Good things, I hope.
Of course.
So, uh, listen,
Connie, if you
don't mind me asking,
what the fuck
is up with your eyes?
Well, I'm cross-eyed,
duh.
Well, how the hell
did that happen?
My parents
dropped me on my head
when I was a baby.
Ouch! Damn!
Uh, sorry to hear that.
Yeah, it's ok.
So, uh, Connie,
you have
a really nice body.
Thanks.
And your eyes--
well, I would say
they're really nice,
but it's just so hard
to tell.
You know what?
If all you want to do
is fuck me,
then I'm not interested.
Wait a minute!
Who the hell are you,
a cross-eyed miss Cleo?
Wait a minute.
You work for
dionne Warwick's psychic
retard network?
Huh?
Damn!
How did she know
I just wanted to fuck?
Yo, what's up,
y'all girls?
My name is Trey.
Hi, Trey.Hi, Trey.
I was wondering
of you ladies,
can I dance with y'all?
Go ahead.
Yeah?
Whoo! Smack that ass.
Smacking that ass!
So, ladies,
what about us getting
a little threesome
going on, huh?
Excuse us.
It's 'cause I'm white,
huh?
I'm your big hunk, baby.
I'm all chocolate.
Hey, girl, what's up?
Where you been
all my life?
Oh my god!
What's wrong, baby?
I thought you was something--
I mean, someone else.
Oh, who might that be?
Ughggh!
Whatever!
You know that yourself,
nigger.
Tramp...
Hey, how you doing?
So, uh,
are you enjoying
the party?
Yeah, me, too.
You don't talk much,
do you?
Say what?
You're deaf?
So, you can't hear a word
that I'm saying, huh?
Ok, how about this?
Can I fuck you?
So, you didn't
hear me, huh?
Ok, ok. Let's see.
Can...
I...
Fuck...
You?
Ow!
What the fuck?
I thought you was deaf.
You thought wrong,
you sick bastard!
You ain't got no ass,
no way.
I'm getting mad.
I can't believe
I ain't never going
to get any pussy!
[Vomits]
Hey.
I didn't see you
standing there.
Well,
I've been standing here
all the time.
I can see that now.
Young man,
have you ever...
Do you believe in
black magic?
Oh, it's wonderful!
You've got to try it!
Ohh...
What's up, girl?
You all right?
Fine.
You are fine.
What's your name?
Nice to meet you, too.
Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Now you're asking
a real woman, ok?
Let me tell you,
what you need to do
is treat her
like a real woman.
Come with some style
and some class.
Like a Halle Berry
kind of character.
Halle Berry,
and what's the other one?
Angela bassett.
You saw the movie
waiting to exhale.
You got
to treat your woman nice.
What you do is
lay the roses down, ok?
We like the roses,
don't we, ladies?
We love the roses.
Sit your ass down, boy.
This is my moment here.
Glass of champagne,
lay me down,
you know, treat me nice.
Like a woman.
And you got
to spend some money.
And it can't be
no cheap champagne, ok?
Get me drunk,
you might get some.
Hey, man. You guys
having any luck, man?
Man, hell no!
What the fuck
is that smell?
Oh, man, this girl
threw up on my damn shoes.
What?
Nigger, that's nasty!
What you waiting on, man?
Clean your fucking shoes!
Where the bathroom at,
dawg?
Man, I don't know!
Go ask my cousin.
This party's whack.
There ain't no females
up in here.
Shut up.
Ohh...
Mmm!
Ohh...
Oh, hi.
What's up?
Nothing.
I guess
you were wondering
what I was doing
with this
sweet potato pie,
right?
Well, I was, um...
I was just practicing my--
my oral techniques.
Huh?
I'm a lesbian virgin, ok?
Say what?
I'm gay!
And I was just practicing
on how to eat...Pussy
so that when I have
my first lesbian lover
I'll know how to do it.
Ok...
My family doesn't know
anything about this, ok?
If you could just
not say anything to anyone
about this,
I'd really appreciate it.
It's cool, it's cool.
Your secret is safe.
Don't even trip.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
It's no problem.
Where's your bathroom?
It's down the hall
to your right.
Thanks.
Now, where were we?
Ohh!
Oh, yes!
Oh! Ohh!
Oh, no...
Damn, baby's a freak!
Damn, fool,
what took you so long?
What you doing?
Jacking off?
Chuck:
What's wrong with that?
Somebody
was in the bathroom.
Whatever.
Damn, it looks like
plan c failed.
We ain't gonna never
get no pussy.
Face it, y'all--
we're going to be
virgins for life!
Damn, man...
You're right.
Maybe not.
Look what's coming
our way.
Damn!
Damn!
Damn!
Yo, let's holler.
Whoa, whoa.
Y'all, we got to have
a better approach.
Man, like what?
Anything's better than
"can I fuck?"
Ok, ok. How about
something simple like
you ladies look nice.
Feeling that.
Boom.
You ready?
We should come at 'em.
Ladies, ladies, ladies!
How y'all doing?
You ladies
look real nice.
Thank you.
So, y'all ladies
like to dance?
Sure.
Oh, yeah!
So, what's your name?
Shawona. What's yours?
Trey!
Well, it's nice
to meet you, Trey.
It's nice
to meet you, too.
So, what high school
did you graduate from?
Washington.
For real?
Mm-hmm.
That's cool.
What high school
did you go to?
I went to Westchester.
Really? I have a cousin
who went to Westchester.
Was your cousin
a he or a she?
A he. His name is
Devonte clemens.
I never heard of him.
He used to play
for the football team.
Ok, ok.
So, what are your plans
for the summer?
I'm going to try
to lose my virginity.
Excuse me.
Actually, um...
No, uh, wait--
ok. It's ok.
I won't ask.
So, uh,
what about you?
Well, I'm trying
to get into ucla
so I can study nursing.
You want to be a nurse?
Yeah.
That's hot.
So, what do you
want to be?
I want to be a talk-show host
like Jerry springer, man.
Jerry's a pimp.
Yeah, he's crazy, fool.
Crazy like me.
You're a little too crazy
for me right now.
So, you never told me
your name.
Chuck.
Chuck? Chuck what?
Chuck my dick
up in ya.
Say what?
Nothing.
But my name is Chuck.
Oh, well,
nice to meet you, Chuck.
It's nice to meet...
All of you.
Whatever.
I'm...right here.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course, of course.
But you never told me
your name either.
Tikia.
Tikia?
Yes.
Ooh, that's ghetto.
Um, you wouldn't happen
to know Ikea, would you?
Who?
Never mind.
Tough crowd.
Um, so, uh...
Anyways...so, what
are your hobbies, Chuck?
My hobbies?
Mm-hmm.
Well, my hobbies are...
Trying to get fucked,
jackin' off,
and I like
to watch pornos
in my spare time.
Ok.
What?
Hey, girl, what's--
what's--hey.
I was joking!
Hey, come on. Hey!
T-t-t-Ikea! Tikia!
Girl, it was a joke!
I was joking!
Are you going
to tell me your name
or what?
I'm sorry.
That's ok.
Perry.
Perry?
That's a nice name.
Thanks. What's yours.
Tishona.
Tishona...
Tishona's cool.
Why y'all got to lie?
You know it's a ghetto name.
It's a little--
it's ghetto.
So, what do you like
to do for fun?
Fun? I don't know.
Well, after this,
do you want to have sex?
Huh?
You heard me.
Do you want to have sex
after this?
I'm real flattered
but I'm still a virgin.
Wait...are you serious?
It's a little embarrassing,
I know--
why would you say that?
I find nothing wrong
with you being a virgin.
You don't?
I actually find it
kind of sexy.
Especially since
I'm a virgin, too.
Really?
Yeah.
Damn!
Oh.
[Muttering]
What?
Wait.
Did you just fart?
No.
Something--
I might be the garbage
or something.
So, uh, listen, Regina,
thanks for inviting
me and my boys over
to your barbecue.
I had a nice time.
They did, too.
Good, I'm glad you guys
enjoyed yourselves.
Cool, cool.
So, uh, I'm going to go.
All right. You call me.
All right.
Later.
Ok.
Friends,
not only did we find us
some females,
but they virgins, too.
Man, it's too good
to be true!
I know, man.
This is it!
The moment
we've all been waiting for.
Gentlemen,
take a breath in.
Tonight is the night
we lose our virginity!
Yup.
All right, man.
I'll catch y'all later.
Yeah, me, too.
I got business
to attend to.
[Heavy breathing,
talking in sleep]
Are you ok?
Ha ha ha!
[Both giggling]
Well, I had a nice time.
Yeah, so did I.
When can we
see each other again?
I don't know, you tell me.
You have my number,
right?
Yeah.
Give me a call tomorrow
if you can.
Ok, I will.
Well,
I guess I should go.
Yeah, it's getting
pretty late.
Do you want me
to walk you home?
No, that's ok.
All right.
Bye.
Bye.
Next time
we have to do this
at my house.
Sounds fair.
But other
than that complaint,
I had a nice time.
Yeah, me, too.
Talk to you later.
Wait, I can't find
my purse.
You can't? Oh, man.
Look, you don't have
to do all this.
Parents just leaving--
what?
[Tishona screams]
Oops.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Thanks...
For such
a wonderful time.
No. Thank you.
I'll never forget this.
Me, either.
Good night.
It's been...
A very special night
to me.
Me, too.
Are you sure you don't want
to spend the night?
No. I don't want to get
you into any trouble.
Are you sure?
My parents leave for church
early in the morning,
and they never
come in my room
and wake me up.
No, it's ok, really.
All right.
Call me.
I will.
Good night.
Good night.
♪ I can't get her
out of my head ♪
♪ no, I can't get her
out of my head ♪
Damn, man.
I can't believe it!
We ain't virgins
anymore!
Me, either.
Finally, huh?
Not only did
I lose my virginity,
but it was my first
one-night stand!
Mine, too, dawg.
Mine, too.
Me, too.
We got through it!
Trey, what happened
with you last night?
Break it down.
Man, that shit was crazy!
But I'll tell you this,
though, man.
That pussy, man--
that shit felt good!
You know what I'm saying?
That's what
I'm talking about.
So, get this--
we was in bed, right?
Are you ready?
Wait.
Do you have a condom on?
Of course I do.
Good. Now go slow.
I will.
Ow!
What?
Wrong hole.
Oh, my bad.
Jesus!
I didn't know--
my fault.
That's better.
Oh, yeah?
Oh...ohh! Shit!
That's it?
We both got ours.
It's all good.
Yeah.
Yeah!
I was in heaven.
I feel you.
Me, too.
Check this out.
Me and tikia
was about to do it,
right?
Chuck: You sure
you want to do this?
Yeah.
Are you?
Yeah!
You know
there's no turning back
after this, right?
I know.
Ok.
Let's do it.
Damn...
You don't know
how to put it on?
No--
just give me a second.
Ok.
It goes like this?
Come on!
You need help with this.
No, no, no, no!
Just give me a second.
Whatever.
Ouch!
My bad!
Damn, baby, are you ok?
I'm fine.
You hit me right--
I'm fine.
It's ok.
You're all right.
I'm fine.
Here, let me help you.
There we go.
Cool!
[Flatulence]
What was that?
What was what?
Nothing.
[Flatulence]
[Flatulence]
[Flatulence]
[Flatulence]
[Flatulence]
You don't hear that?
[Flatulence]
Boy,
you're hearing things.
Oh, god...
[Flatulence]
For real, dawg.
Her pussy
just kept farting
until I came.
I think it's called
a queef, though.
I don't care
what it's called.
Her pussy
just kept farting away!
That's crazy.
But it ain't as wild
as what happened
to me and baby
last night.
[Loud snoring]
[Snore]
Ugh! Tishona?
Wake up, girl.
Tishona, you're snoring.
Look, girl, tishona,
you got to get out of here.
My parents
are coming home soon.
Come on now.
Oh, shit!
Are you all right?
Man, she had to go, dawg.
Her mouth sounded
like a drive-by in my room.
Damn, man.
This girl was amazing.
I don't know how I'm going
to tell enchilada, man.
I got to let her off easy.
Man,
fuck that fat bitch!
I got somebody you could
hook her up with.
Man, who?
Denny's.
Ohh...
If that shit
don't work out,
my other homeboy--
sizzler.
Man, that's cold, dawg.
But I like it.
All that time
she done stealing
off my plate.
Next time, I say
we throw our own barbecue
and invite a gang of hos!
Two of them this time.
Hey, mama!
What's up?
Hey, Mrs. Williams.
What are y'all boys up to?
Oh, just, uh--
planning our future.
Oh, really?
Like what?
I don't know, uh--
college.
Oh, really?
So, as soon as
the summer is over,
y'all plan on
going to college?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, well, that's good.
I bet all that thinking is
making you boys hungry, huh?
What you going
to be cooking for us?
I ain't cooking nothing.
But you can have this.
What have we got
there?
Open it up and find out.
I got to hang
these clothes up.
The crenshaw mall
had a good sale today.
What you waiting for,
fool?
Open it up!
All right. Looks like
a sweet potato pie.
Man, y'all thirsty?
Yeah, come on,
let's get something
to drink.
Man's voice: I know
you're going to dig this.
♪ That's right
♪ break it down
♪ say what?
♪ Down like what
♪ get down like that
♪ say what
♪ girl, you got me feeling
like we can't get it right ♪
♪ we are groaning
and moaning ♪
♪ after staying out
all night ♪
♪ I see that you was
down with me... ♪
[Scat singing continues]
Chorus:
♪ let's get naked
♪ I'd rather be naked
[Singing continues]
♪ I'd rather be naked
♪ Free to do
as you want to do ♪
♪ and be what you wanna be
♪ within the broad guidelines
of your majesty ♪
♪ free to do
what you want to do ♪
♪ and be what you wanna be
♪ within the broad guidelines
of your majesty ♪
♪ Let's get naked
♪ Let's get naked
♪ Let's get naked
♪ I'd rather be naked...
Captioning made possible by
lions gate films
lions gate films
♪ love me, don't leave me
♪ just make sure
you please me ♪
♪ and everything
will be all right ♪
♪ take time to ask me
♪ you know that
that flatters me ♪
♪ to know that
you're by my side ♪
♪ I get the feeling
♪ I'm going to stay
♪ if you keep on
treating me right ♪
♪ you just make sure that
♪ you have no doubt
♪ and everything
will work out fine ♪
♪ loving me up,
loving me down ♪
♪ naturally
♪ always worth the effort
♪ eventually I may leave
♪ think of me
and you'll likely see ♪
♪ that you can never
waste no time ♪
♪ love me, don't leave me
♪ just make sure
you please me ♪
♪ and everything
will be all right ♪
♪ take time to ask me
♪ you know that
that flatters me ♪
♪ to know that
you're by my side ♪
Perry!
Wake your narrow ass up!
Rise and shine, boy!
You act like
you pay the bills
up in here.
I told you,
the only one that's
laying up in here is me!
Damn!
Another wet dream.
Oh, yes...
Oh, yes!
Ooh...oooh!
I'm coming...I'm coming!
Ooh!
That's what
I'm talking about.
[Knock on door]
Chuck!
You've been in there
for an hour.
Let me in!
Mama!
Mama! Chuck's hogging up
the bathroom again!
Damn!
Can't a brother
handle his business?
Can't a sister
get in the bathroom?
Nope,
there's nothing better
than having your hand
as a girlfriend.
My baby...[Kiss]
Ohh...trey!
Come back to bed.
Come satisfy me
with that...Big...
Lollipop.
[Telephone rings]
Hello?
Hello, can I speak
to Mira?
Mira? Mira who?
My right nut
in your mouth!
Yo, where Perry at?
Chuck, is that you?
I thought your phone
got shut off.
You calling from
your neighbor's again, huh?
Perry, phone!
It's that black termite
again!
Shut your little
stupid ass up.
What's up, fool?
What you doing?
Ah, man. Just sitting here
chillin', man.
I'm trying to get myself
out quick, man,
before my parents
have me doing some shit.
Let's hit up Trey
and meet up at the speezee.
Sure. Call him.
Hold up.
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
Hello? Who this be?
Trey, this is Joe.
Joe? Joe who?
Joe mama, fool!
Yo, get ready, man.
We're about to roll
to the speezee, dawg,
so we call roll
this bleezee!
All, right, fools.
I'll be there in a second.
I got to wait for enchilada
to sneak out of here.
Oh, man...Sneak out!
Even Stevie wonder
can see that fat bitch
trying to sneak out!
You better roll her out
like a tortilla
and get to the spot
before you fuck up
the rotation.
I'll be there in a bit,
all right? Peace.
All right.
All right.
Later.
See, these kids are doing it
all wrong today.
We used to be sweet
back in the old days.
Old school, that's
what I'm taking about.
Write love letters,
send them roses,
have them eating out
of the palm of our hands.
We were smooth.
We knew how to rap.
We talked to the women.
Then they'd give us
anything we wanted.
Nowadays,
like I tell my son Perry,
all they going for
is the sweet potato pie.
Boo-ya!
They're looking for
instant gratification.
It ain't happening.
The women don't like that.
They're doing it all wrong.
They got to go back
to the old school.
The old days,
it's the only way.
Perry! Perry!
Yeah?
Before you take
your trifling ass anywhere,
I have a few things
I want you to do for me.
What, mama? Dang!
I need you
to wash the car,
mow the lawn,
clean the dishes,
do the laundry,
pick up tay tay,
take out the trash,
vacuum,
and clean the toilets.
And by the way,
paint the house.
What?
And when you're done
with that shit,
then you can go hang
with your friends.
Mama, by the time
I finish that
that's going to be
next year.
What's peaches doing?
Remember
she did it last time.
We're gonna get
our nails done.
See ya.
Hey, man, did you see j.Lo
on bet last night?
She was looking like
a whopper.
That ass is phat!
I'm tired
of being a virgin.
Me, too.
What the fuck is wrong
with y'all?
Being a virgin
is the greatest gift
a fool can have.
Yeah, right, Chuck.
How many niggers you know
that are still virgins?
Well...3.
Who?
Yo--
you, me, and Trey.
Oh, man.
Yo, dude,
you forgot about Malone.
Malone? Malone who?
My lone-ass dick,
motherfucker.
Anyways, it's true.
Personally, I don't
see anything wrong
with us being virgins.
Someday we'll find us
some virgin females
or something.
Yo, Chuck, when?
When's this gonna happen?
I don't know.
Just be patient.
Man,
Patience is all I have,
and I'm having wet dreams
about Halle Berry.
Relax, Perry.
Use your hand, Perry.
It helps.
You're a sick motherfucker.
What?
I agree with Perry, man.
Why don't we just
find us some hos,
get busy with them?
Hos?
Are you serious, Trey?
What happened
to that fat-ass piñata
girlfriend of yours?
Ain't she 30 or something?
Look, fools, first of all,
she's not fat,
she's just big-boned.
Second of all,
she's not 30-something,
she's just 30.
Yeah right. Whatever.
Same thing.
No, it's not, man.
Look, enchilada and I,
we've never done nothing
together, man.
We ain't even had sex.
Y'all never had sex?
Man, how long
y'all been together?
Like a week.
A week, and you still
haven't hit that shit?
What the fuck
y'all be doing then?
You know, we, uh--
we kiss.
Shit like that, man.
Shit like that?
Man, it's got to be
more to it than that.
What else y'all do?
Well, uh--
you know, she, uh...
Look, the only reason
I'm still a virgin
is simple.
I'm waiting
for the right girl.
You know,
light skin, long hair.
They in style right now.
Mariah Carey's
making a comeback.
Just turn on bet.
She's all over the place.
But on the real--
you cannot rush into
things like this.
A player has got
to take his time.
If you're
going to meet a girl,
maybe hit, whatever,
play it by ear.
Just watch the Mac
do his thing.
That's if
I get a chance, man.
My mom got me doing
these damn chores.
Girl, you are
too funny, ok?
Wait a minute.
Hold on one second.
I'll be right back.
So, here's
what you need to do
to get with
this sweet potato pie.
You got to invest
in this shit, baby.
I need my hair done,
my nails done,
have a fendi bag and a fly whip
to roll around in.
Do you smell me?
You ain't invested
in this yet.
If you can't take care
of a real sister,
you need to get like Michael
and beat it.
'Cause we're tired of
you busted-ass niggers
rolling around
in your mama's car.
Check that.
Girl, let me tell you
what's going on
with this guy.
He is all about lovin', ok?
Like that, Trey?
Damn, girl...
You like that, papi?
Papi like, papi love.
How much you like that,
papi?
I'm going to show you
how much right now.
I'll show you!
Here it comes. Here it comes.
Oh, shit.
My bad.
I didn't feel it
coming on so soon.
That's for
my westside boys.
Let me grab you
a wet-nap or something.
That's all she does,
dudes,
so, uh,
technically speaking,
I'm still a virgin.
You got to get
your head right, man.
What?
Man, you all fools.
All that pussy
and all you do
is let that fat bitch
Jack you off?
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
Are you scared?
Man, if you think
I'm going to lose
my virginity
to some fat ugly bitch
then you're wrong,
dawgs.
Trey gonna get broken off
by a proper female,
like Beyonce.
What the fuck
are you with her
fat ass for then?
To keep you warm
in the winter?
I don't know, man.
You know,
spur of the moment.
You know how we do it.
I don't care.
Pussy's pussy.
That's right.
Let me see
an old-ass lady about 80
or something
walking with a cane
down the street--
I'll hit that
saggy old-ass pussy
any day.
What?
Who's the sick
motherfucker now?
Yeah.
Anyways, yo, t?
What's your girl's
name again?
Enchilada.
What the fuck? Enchilada?
Where'd you
meet that girl at,
del taco?
No.
Man, just lay off her.
Brother,
that's your job.
Enchilada may be
fatter than a mother--
all right,
I'll give you that--
but she's still all that
and a bag of chips.
Yeah, sure she is.
And another bag,
and another bag,
and another bag.
Man, fuck you all!
And another bag...
Ah, don't dis my bike.
My grandma gave me that.
Your sister
gave it to you.
Oh, Trey...
Man, I've been
trying to get laid
since I was 16.
Getting some ass
can cost a grip.
I can't even
get past first base
without having to take
a girl to the movies
or to lunch and shit.
I'm still trying.
But just wait.
I've got something
for the honies.
They're not going
to pimp me.
If anything,
I'm going to have
her ass out there
bringing the money home
to daddy.
That's the problem
with y'all niggers today.
You want it all
for nothing.
Let me tell y'all
a little something-something.
If you can't buy me Gucci,
you can't
have this coochie.
Plain and simple.
Look,
all bullshit aside,
I say we get
some coochie right now
or as soon as possible.
Man, I don't know.
My girlfriend might not be
too happy with that.
Girlfriend?girlfriend?
Yeah...handy.
I call my girlfriend,
which happens to be
my right hand.
She's there for me
when I need her.
She's also free.
She just asks that
I keep her massaged up
with lotion.
What?
I'm just playing, dawg.
Them's a joke.
Yo, for real.
I plead the 5th.
Yeah. Me, too.
Anyway, y'all going
to lose your virginity
this week or what?
Oh, man!
My dick's getting hard
just thinking about
these hos.
What's there
to think about anyway?
Either we're down
or we're not.
What's it gonna be,
pimps?
I'm in.
Cool. Chuck?
I don't know.
Nigger!
Hmm...
Let's see.
Pussy...handy.
Pussy...handy.
Pussy...handy.
It's pussy.
And let's go get it.
Cool.
Hey, yo, man--
where're we going?
We're going over
to my heezee.
Why?
To figure out how
to get the pussy.
Oh, for real?
Come on.
Ok, ok.
I could have had coochie
a long time ago.
Perry and Chuck--
they don't know
what's crackalackin'.
[Dogs barking]
I hear you, pooches.
You know what I'm saying?
I realize
you got to be smooth
with the ladies
to get what you want.
You got to tell them
whatever the hell
they want to hear.
You know?
Believe me, dawg,
it works like magic.
Just ask enchilada.
Actually, you know what?
Scratch that.
That's a bad idea.
I'm just
test-driving her for now.
I'm waiting for
the fine Princess of my life
to come rolling up on me.
She's going to be
asking me out.
I ain't got to do none
of the grunt work anymore.
Although I can be smooth.
This is Trey
you're talking to.
Ha ha!
Put up a little rhyme.
I got a bunch of money
in my hand.
It's coming, too.
We shall see.
Ah, man,
I got this, man!
Yo, Chuck, hand me a pen
and a piece of paper.
It's about to be on!
Yeah,
I'm talking about hot!
Now look, dawgs,
what we need to do
is form
a couple of plans.
Y'all following me?
Any suggestions?
Let's go.
Fuck a plan.
Let's just do it.
Just hear me out, dawg.
We form
a couple of plans,
all is well, man.
We go get us
some pussy, man.
Every pimp in L.A.
had a plan
before he got him some.
You know this, dawgs.
We need to be up
out in that hood, man,
getting some tips.
What if the plan
doesn't work out?
That's why we form
a lot of them, man.
Front and back--
paper all day.
Come on!
Ways of getting pussy.
Plan a.
I got an idea.
We go to Hollywood,
right?
We walk
to sunset boulevard.
Find us some prostitutes.
Pay for some
stanky pussy, man!
You crazy, man?
Oh, suppose though,
we go up on
fox hills mall, man.
Forever 21 having
a gang of hos up in there.
That's a bad idea.
Look, those girls ain't
thinking about no dick.
They got clothes
on their mind.
Besides,
they all high maintenance.
Yeah, you right, dawg.
I got it.
What if we go on
the Internet
and go into
one of those chat rooms
and find a few bitches?
Yeah.
I met some
fine hos online before.
I don't got a computer.
I mean,
I'm getting one, but...
Not 'til Christmas.
You're stupid, man.
We need one now.
Scratch that.
Yo, I got it.
I got it, man.
I'm coming home
from the store, right?
I'm just
walking down the street.
And this porno director
comes up to me, man,
tells me how he wants me
to be in a porno,
offers me 5 gs
just to fuck some bitch
in front of a camera.
I told him
I have to think about it.
You know
what I'm saying, but...
I ain't hollered at him
since, you know?
Still got his number?
Oh, shit...
Hell, yeah!
Write that shit down.
Porno...nice, tight.
Plan b.
Plan b?
I got it.
The strip joint.
Some fine-ass hos
in there, boy!
Yeah,
the strip joint!
Plan c.
How many fucking plans
we gonna have?
Just chill out, man.
One more. Let's go.
I got it.
My cousin Regina.
She be having barbecues
over at her house
all the time.
Then she be inviting
her female friends
over, too.
Which I think
is fucked up.
She never invites me.
I got a problem
with that.
I'm going to let her
know what's crackin'.
When is she having
another barbecue, dawg?
I'm going to have to bust
some new ecko gear.
Smash on them hos.
I'll find out.
I gotta
find her hook-up.
Yeah...b-b-q.
All right, gentlemen,
what we have here
is a mission to complete.
This is mission impossible.
If we choose for the pussy
to be de-virginized,
that's on us.
The pussy
shall self-destruct in--
beep beep--48 hours.
Yo, so, uh...
What do we do now?
Why don't you call
that porno director up?
Show the way!
Hey, what's up.
Is this Mike capello?
Hey, what's up, dawg?
This is Trey Williams.
Uh, Trey Williams.
We met sometime
last month
outside that
little mini-mart.
Y'all still
don't remember me?
How about this--
I'm the brother
with the bad breath.
Yeah, that's me,
that's me, yeah, ok.
Yeah, anyways, man,
what I was wondering was
if you're still filming
those porno movies.
Yeah, huh?
Yeah, I'd be down
to get paid to get laid.
Yeah, for sure, for sure.
What was that? Really?
What was
that title again?
Oh, shit!
That's a sick title, man.
Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
I'll be your star.
No doubt, man.
Hey, but actually,
I was kind of wondering
if I could get
some of my friends
to come down with me,
maybe co-star with me
with some of
your fine actresses.
Uh-huh. All right,
cool, cool, man.
That sounds good.
So, let's see-
how do we go about, uh,
getting started with this?
Uh-huh.
Ok. Ok, then, man.
Sounds good.
All right,
I'll see you then.
All right, later.
What did he say?
Man, he said
tomorrow morning
we roll up to his place
and get started.
Damn,
that's tight!
And that's just
the beginning of it, man.
We each get
a copy of the porno,
they're going to feed us,
and we each get
2 gs apiece
just to fuck
some fine-ass porno bitch
on camera, man.
It is on!
Fellas,
we got things to do,
places to go,
women to see.
Yo, fellas,
I think it's time
to put plan a
into action.
You know
what I'm saying?
There's no
turning back now.
What's up, fellas?
Hey, what's going on?
We're having a private
lingerie party later.
Must be there.
It'll be fun.
Damn!
One more time again.
One time again.
Hey, what's up,
Derek?
Yo,
I mean crazy loc.
What's up, man?
What's up, losers?
We was wondering--
you want to get
some of this?
Y'all got your allowance?
Come on and get some.
We need your help,
dawg.
We're trying to get
some pussy.
We need a ride.
Trey got some
freaky shit lined up.
Y'all got some money?
Nobody rides in my shit
for free.
We got you, crazy loc.
Yo, here's a dubb.
Hey, I got
to pick something up
before I take y'all.
Cool.
[Alarm chirps]
Open the door, man.
You two are sitting
in the back seat.
All right, listen up.
I'm about to handle
my business, all right?
None of y'all bitches move
'til I get back.
Got it?
This fool is crazy,
man.
We're going to die
virgins.
I don't want to die
no virgin.
Ain't he on probation,
man?
Why's he fucking around?
We didn't need a ride
this bad, Trey!
My ass would have walked
like a Hebrew slave.
Oh, shit, man.
Is today the 1st?
He's got to break
his baby mama alize
off some cheese, man.
What?
He do this
once a month.
He'll be out.
He'll be out.
Fuck that, man.
This was your idea.
Why don't you make
a bigger scene, huh?
Why don't you make
a bigger scene?
What's up?
Got y'all some extra cash.
Trey: That's what
I'm talking about!
I don't know shit.
Trey, here's a little money
from the robbin' spree.
Don't tell anybody
or I'll beat your asses.
Oh, hell no.
Damn! This brother's
living large!
He is pimping it!
Listen, men.
Y'all remember we's
proper gentlemen, ok?
Who's about to get laid.
Hey, Trey,
what's going on, man?
How y'all doing?
Find your way ok?
I remember, you told me
where you live before.
Right, right, right.
This is Perry,
this is Chuck, man.
We all came up
together.
All right,
I'll get y'all in the back
so you can meet
the lead actress
and we'll get you...
Fluffed up.
Follow me, gentlemen.
Ok, guys, this is my director
of photography Neal.
Our script supervisor
Jacob.
And last
but not least,
that's our producer
Dominic.
Dominic, these are
our motherfucking stars.
Cool, cool, cool.
And finally, our actress
should be coming out here
any minute.
And our lead actress
anaconda.
Hold up.
Theanaconda?
That's right, baby.
In the flesh.
Damn, girl!
You even finer in person.
I got a collection
of all your videos.
Really?
I'm flattered.
I'm just trying
to do my thing.
Hey now...
And my dick's
getting fatter, too.
Excuse me?
I was just telling them
how much I adore you.
Oh, why, thank you.
I adore you, too.
Yeah, me, too.
You two are too much.
You fucking copycats.
You're messing up my Mac.
Look, why don't you guys
go in the back,
get undressed,
be ready in like
10 minutes.
I'm going to do
a run-through with anaconda,
all right?
What are we supposed
to wear?
It's a fucking
porn video, man.
You're not wearing
nothing.
Except when you first
come in the room,
in your drawers,
one by one.
We're about to get some
sweet potato pie.
All right?
Comprende?
Yeah, man.
We're ready to go.
Good. Let's go.
Hurry up.
All right, all right,
all right.
Good shit, good shit.
Y'all ready to do this?
Hell, yeah!
Where's your friend at?
He's coming.
What? Already?
[Chuckles]
Little porno humor.
Don't worry about it.
I feel ya, I feel ya.
Hey, man,
what's this all about?
Why are you dressed?
I can't get it up.
Look, are you
getting undressed
like your friends?
We ain't got all day,
man.
I'm having second thoughts.
Man, what are you doing?
You're embarrassing us
in front of anaconda.
Come on, negro,
stop trippin' and get busy.
Here, brother.
Let a sister
help you out.
Damn!
Those are off the charts!
Look at them
big-ass titties!
They out of control.
Man, those titties
are the same size
as enchilada's
left butt cheek, man.
And that's fucking huge!
So, does this help?
Oh, you got to be
fucking kidding me, man.
Somebody get his
square ass
up out of here
right now.
Perry! Perry!
Wake your ass up!
Perry!
Look,
forget about him, man.
He'll be fine, ok?
We got to get
this work done.
Now, who's first, man?
Ok...ok.
Oh, shit, hold up, man.
It's raining.
We're going
to take it inside, man.
It's cold.
Get your clothes.
Perry, man, get up!
Perry!
All right,
the show must go on.
Trey, this is what
I want you to do.
Come in,
take your underwear off,
get behind anaconda,
and serve her ass.
For sure.
I'm straight, dawg.
Let's do this.
Let's get this shit
cracking.
Whoo-hoo!
All right.
Camera rolling?
Camera's rolling.
And...action.
Show anaconda
what you've got down there.
Oh, yeah.
Ohh!
What the--
that was all right,
baby.
I can't believe it!
Believe what?
Are you serious?
Cut!
What the hell is
is wrong with you, man?
You're fucking up
my shoot, man.
What'd I do wrong?
You was humping
my fucking thigh.
You mean that
wasn't your pussy?
No! You was humping
my fucking thigh.
And I didn't feel shit.
Man...look, man, just--
Mike, where'd you get
this fool from?
Hold on just a second--
no. Forget it.
Forget it.
Chuck? Chuck?
Come on, Chuck.
Get in here, Chuck.
Fuck, Chuck.
Come on, Chuck.
Get your ass
out of here.
Bald-headed fool.
Get my gun, all right?
Because I'm going to have
to shoot this motherfucker.
If he's bullshittin',
we got to get this shot.
I'll do it.
Ok, ok.
Hopefully
you can do better
than your
fucking punk-ass partner
Trey over here.
I can still hear you.
I'm still in the room.
Trey,
shut the fuck up.
Yeah, so don't
fuck it up, fool!
I got to get mine,
too.
I'll try to do
a better job.
Everybody stand by.
And...Action.
Yeah, baby.
Come show anaconda
what you got.
[Vomits]
Oh, shit!
Damn it! Cut!
That's a wrap.
Get your ass out
of my house.
Get your ass-
my bad.
Fuck you, Chuck.
Dawg,
what are you doing?
Get out of my house.
Get the fuck
out of my house!
Y'all some
fucking idiots, man.
Y'all absolutely
worthless pieces of shit.
Trey, don't you ever
come to my house again.
And that goes for
your two fucking buddies.
You need to learn
what fucking pussy is.
It's not the thigh, dawg.
Don't come back
to my house, man.
Get the fuck
out of here, man.
Hey!
What about my clothes?
Take your clothes
right there.
Get out!
Get off my porch, man!
Get out of here, man.
And pick up
your goddamn socks, man.
Never had no pussy-ass
motherfucking--
asshole!
Perry: I can't believe
this shit, man.
What now?
Now, man...
Now we go to plan b.
Fuck this shit!
Trey: Y'all need to get
your act together right now.
Your scary ass
wouldn't even get undressed.
Who's the one
that brought you here?
Opportunity of a lifetime.
Oh, look
what we have here.
Say what?
Looking fine today.
Man, what'd you say?
Fine and dandy.
What'd you say?
Tell you what--
how about I put
some barbecue sauce
on those ribs, honey?
We don't roll like that.
Your loss.
You could have had this.
Now you'll never know
what you're missing!
Y'all fools got hit on
by Richard Simmons.
Man, fuck you.
This shit ain't funny.
So, what now?
Man, tonight
we go with plan b.
That's right.
The strip joint.
Why not right now?
'Cause first we got to get us
some fake ids.
Where we gonna
get them from,
Einstein?
Man, just leave that
up to me, fool.
Hey, man.
What y'all doing
back here?
We're looking for
frostman.
You got him...
Up close and personal.
What can I do for y'all?
Me and my boys here,
we need 3 ids.
3 ids? You got money?
Of course.
Step into my office.
Damn!
Yo. Make me one
that says I'm 29
so the ladies will know
I'm well-seasoned.
Yeah, like
too much salt.
Man, quit player hatin'.
I can accommodate,
but business first.
What y'all got?
Hold up.
We don't even know
this fool.
How we know
we can trust him?
Might be po po.
You might be
the goddamn mod squad
or somethin', man.
Y'all want this or not?
I got customers waiting.
I see them.
I got people.
So, what's happening, man?
That's what I'm saying.
Hold on, hold on.
Come on, man.
You see it?
You see it all right?
Ok, it looks cool.
Let's get this party started
so these boys
can get out of here
and get them
some freaky shit.
That's what
I'm talking about.
Y'all ain't virgins, right?
Hell, no!Hell, no!
All right, then.
Strike a pose.
You like this shot?
You like that?
Oh, yeah.
Ok...
And that's you
right here.
And that's yours,
all right?
Oh, yeah.
Y'all ain't seen me.
Damn, Perry! Look at
your big-ass head!
Your mama
said that last night
when I was on top
of her big ass.
Man,
let's not get on mama,
especially since
I just get off yours.
Damn, man, I can't believe
we'll be rolling up
in the backyard
strip joint, man.
We're going to get
some Booty!
Yo, that shit
going to be tight!
No doubt.
It's going to be
Friday night,
they're going to have
some specials going on.
We're going to be virgins
no mo'.
Plan b in full effect!
That's what
I'm talking about, dawg.
These guys have to be
killing me, man.
Cats have to be
paying for pussy.
That's about as bad
as it comes, dawg.
All you got to do really
is pay attention.
Just get
a little bit of ass.
It's a good trick,
check this out.
Do this, do this.
Find yourself
a bad little honey, right?
Usually catch them
right when they graduate
from high school,
on graduation,
just keep an eye out.
If possible,
catch them in a pizza shop,
and just get
a $20 bill, dawg.
Just take them by your
goddamn self and represent.
And watch how
she eats that cheese.
Watch how she takes
that long stroke--
[horn honks]
Watch how you drive,
goddamn it!
Screw you!
Yeah, about that cheese.
Then, when you get
all that cheese,
you can learn that fellatio.
Big word for a motherfucker.
That's what
they call blowjob
for you players out there.
Get her to do that
with that cheese,
y'all get that groove
going on,
she ain't never been
they way she been
in high school.
Get in the hotel, dawg.
Play, all day, Jack.
Tell 'em
frosty sent you, too,
when you hit it.
Baller.
They don't like that.
What's up, dawg?
Yo, if I tell
you guys something,
y'all promise not to laugh?
Yeah, man.
Check this out.
Yesterday when I left,
I bought
this sweet potato pie
from this Muslim
standing on the corner
of crenshaw.
I got your bean,
I got sweet potato pie.
Bean pies,
get your bean pies, folks.
Sweet potato pie.
Hey, how much for
a sweet potato pie?
$5, my young brother.
Thank you, brother.
A salaam alaikum.
Yeah, yeah, ok.
Lakers in 4.
Come on, folks.
Get your bean pies.
Then I go home with
the sweet potato pie.
Yo, I'm just
sitting on the couch,
blazing a blunt,
and staring at the pie,
right.
Mama! Pop!
Y'all home?
All of a sudden,
the pie starts to talk to me.
No, uh...Really?
Wow, man. Uh...
What did it say?
Damn! I'm faded.
Female voice:
Hey, Chuck.
Hello?
How you doing,
baby?
Who that is?
This is some good shit!
Hey, Chuck.
Over here...
What the fuck?
This must be
the chronic!
Don't be afraid.
I'm here to satisfy...
Your hunger.
You are hungry,
aren't you?
I'm cool.
I just lost
my appetite.
Hey,
what's in this weed?
I'm fucked up!
Do you want me
to satisfy your hunger?
Hmm?
You've been
a really good boy.
You know you want this.
Taste.
Come on. Come on.
Yeah, that's right,
chuckie.
Are you for real?
You want me to...
Hook it up?
Yes...hook it up.
Come on.
Let me show you what
this sweet potato pie
can do for you.
Ok.
Come on, chuckie.
Come and get it.
Here I come.
Come on.
Yo, it wanted me
to fuck it!
Did you?
Yeah, did you?
Sweet potato pie!
Who's your daddy?
Huh?
Who's your
fuckin' daddy?
Oh, yeah! Oh...Yeah.
Chuck, we're here.
Chuck!
Son, we're here--
hey, pop.
Don't pop me,
motherfucker!
The only thing
you're poppin'
is that
sweet potato pie!
Boy, what the hell's
wrong with you?
You got a fucking problem
or something?
Chuck,
you seen my hair--
oh my god!
Our son is possessed
by the horny devil
himself!
Quick, somebody
call the sexorcist!
Mama, pop, I know
this looks bad, but--
boy, you got issues.
I'm calling
your grandmama.
I--i--i--
i--i--i--hell!
Now you clean yourself up.
You like like a-a-a--
Somalian ho
interested in fucking food
instead of eating it!
Mama...mama!
Mama!
What the fuck
you laughing at?
This shit ain't funny.
Man, a pie, Chuck?
Fucking pies now?
Smoking that shit.
[Trey laughing]
Man, fuck y'all!
I ain't telling
y'all niggers shit no more.
I don't know what the fuck
I was thinking.
Y'all supposed
to be my boys
now y'all blastin' me
and shit?
All right, dawg,
you know what?
'Cause we're boys,
we'll leave that one
alone.
But, my man,
seriously, dawg,
you got some issues,
my man.
That's true.
Talk show issues.
Anyways...what's up
with the strip club tonight?
I got on
my favorite Cologne--
bootylicious.
All the Booty you can get.
[Knock knock]
Aha! What's up, dawg?
Ids, please.
Hey, y'all, they want
to see our ids.
You want to see
our ids?
Let's show her
our ids.
[Zippers]
Identify the dick!
Motherfucking freaks!
Not those ids,
itty, bitty, and mini-mini.
Picture ids!
Oh, why didn't you
say so?
We got those, too.
That's me.
All right.
Get your dumb ass in here.
Ooh,
check this shit out.
Ok, so, uh,
now that we're here,
what do we do now?
Man, when do we get
to fuck these girls?
Hey, man.
Relax, dawg.
Play it cool, man.
We supposed
to be old, right?
♪ Ooh, she's freaky,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ ooh, she's freaky
♪ Eastside, westside,
girl, you get around ♪
♪ Ooh, she's freaky,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Hi, guys.
Would anybody be interested
in a lap dance?
Sure. Why not?
Ok. Follow me.
What's your name?
Chuck.
Chuck?
Uh-huh.
So, what do you want,
Chuck?
Um...i don't know.
You don't know?
Oh, maybe I'll show you.
Those are nice!
Thank you.
I forgot to ask
your name.
Oh, I'm Tequila.
Tequila...
What's your name?
Perry.
Perry?
Yeah.
What can I do
for you, Perry?
A nice dance
would be fine.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
You're next.
So,
what's your name?
My name's Trey.
Trey?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you're a wild one?
Really?
You can just tell that
right now?
Of course I can.
I like it wild.
Do you?
Ride, baby. Shit, ride.
Ok, you guys,
that'll be $100 each.
All: $100 each!?
Um, yeah. Are you deaf
or something?
How much
them lap dances cost?
$50.
And a $50 touching fee.
Touching fee?
What the fuck?
Wait a minute, please.
Can we talk about money
after you fuck us?
Yeah.
Fuck you?
What do you mean?
You know...
Can we fuck?
Yeah, girl,
we want to get
our freak on.
We want to roll you up
like a joint,
hit it, and pass you on.
Hell, no! Security!
Security?
Security?
No, no, no.
That's a big motherfucker.
No, no, no!
Don't push.
What the fuck?
Don't come back here,
you perverted motherfuckers!
Man, I think that girl
gave me blueballs.
Me, too.
My nuts feel like
they're about to explode
quicker than a terrorist
strapped with a bomb.
What are we going
to do now?
Man, let's just
keep walking, man.
We'll think of something.
Come on.
Guys...
Guys, there it is
right up in our face!
Man, y'all thinking
what I'm thinking?
Hell, yeah!
Man, what you guys
talking about?
We can get up in
one of those massage parlors
and pull a couple
of those little honies
to the side.
See what they're doing
after work.
Man, why don't we just
stick to the plan?
Man, that plan
ain't going nowhere!
Dawg, with these ids
we can get into
all kinds of 21 and over
freaky shit.
Hey, man,
if it's gonna get me laid,
I ain't mad at you.
Fellas, the day is young
and we on a mission.
Oh-ho, boys!
So, how I can help
you young men?
We want to check out
some girls
for a little...
You know.
All right.
So, what are you looking for?
The same girl,
different girls?
Or one girl
for all three of you?
You're saying one girl
could take care of
all three of us?
Of course. Why not?
And she can relax your body
in many ways.
And there's always extra.
Yeah.
Let's make this happen.
Just show me some ids
and we'll set you up
with our best.
Show us the way.
Show me the money,
honey.
Keep it coming.
Almost.
You're almost in there.
Don't be trouble.
Hi, guys.
I'll take you back
one at a time
and I'll get you
undressed.
Who's first?
I'm first!
Let a man
handle his business.
I'll come back later.
Ohh...oh, girl.
Oh, yeah, girl.
[Moaning loudly]
[Continues moaning]
Breathe, baby, breathe.
Oh, girl...
Come on, get to it.
Ohh...
[Perry moaning]
[Moaning]
[Calling out
ecstatically]
Damn, baby...Ohh.
[Moaning]
Ok...ok...
Ok!
The ear?
Yeah.
The ear...Ohh!
Breathe, baby.
You're the best.
Oh,
the neck and the ears!
Release all the tension.
You like that?
Oh, man...
Yeah...
You are so tense.
Breathe.
Ooh, yeah!
Ha ha! Yeah!
Breathe.
Papi like. Papi like.
Relax, baby.
Take deep slow breaths.
Nice and slow,
that's it.
Is her appointment done?
They're done.
How you guys doin'?
All right, officer.
We were just getting
our feet massaged.
Doesn't she give
the best damn foot massages
you ever had?
Honey, didn't I tell you
to wait outside
while I have clients?
But the receptionist said
that their time was over
and mine
was just beginning.
You guys
aren't dressed yet?
Um, actually,
we was just
on our way out.
Get the fuck out.
Have a good evening.
I sure will.
We didn't realize
our time was up.
That's ok. Bye.
Yo, I don't want
to sound like a bitch,
but didn't I say
we should all stick
to the plan?
Man, you wasn't moaning
about no plan
when you was laying
on that massage table
doing who knows what.
Yeah, I know somebody
was feeling it.
Did she give
one of y'all blowjobs?
Man, I can't get
my shirt on.
So, what now?
My balls hurt...
Now, plan c.
Man, it better work.
The third time's
a charm.
Chuck, call up
your cousin Regina.
See when she's having
her next barbecue.
No doubt.
Hey, Regina?
What's up, girl?
This is Chuck.
Cool. How you doing?
Good. So, have you had
any barbecues lately?
Really? Oh, you can't invite
a nigger over and shit, huh?
I thought I was family.
Ok, it's all good.
So, when you having
another one?
Really? Cool.
Can me and my boys
roam through?
Cool.
All right, so what time?
3 o'clock? Cool.
So, I'll see you then.
Ok...bye.
Yo, she's
having another barbecue
tomorrow at 3 o'clock.
And we in!
Back in the game,
dawgs.
Chuck and his friends
are coming over today.
They have no clue
of what it takes
to get laid.
If they did know,
they all would have
hit something by now.
Let's just hope they use
the head on their shoulders
and not the one
between their legs
today.
This is it, this is it!
Chuck,
you better be right.
Gang of hos!
We got this.
Trust me!
Oh, hey, Chuck!
What's up, what's up?
Regina,
these are my boys Perry,
and that's Trey.
What's up, girl?
Hi...hi.
If you guys are hungry,
there's food
around back, ok?
Just go ahead.
I was just about to get
the dessert ready.
[Funk rap playing]
Excuse me.
Ooh...uh--
can I help you?
Yeah,
you look familiar.
I do?
Yeah, um--
what's your name?
Connie.
Hi, Connie.
I'm Chuck.
Regina's cousin.
Oh, hi.
I've heard a lot about you.
Really?
Yeah.
Good things, I hope.
Of course.
So, uh, listen,
Connie, if you
don't mind me asking,
what the fuck
is up with your eyes?
Well, I'm cross-eyed,
duh.
Well, how the hell
did that happen?
My parents
dropped me on my head
when I was a baby.
Ouch! Damn!
Uh, sorry to hear that.
Yeah, it's ok.
So, uh, Connie,
you have
a really nice body.
Thanks.
And your eyes--
well, I would say
they're really nice,
but it's just so hard
to tell.
You know what?
If all you want to do
is fuck me,
then I'm not interested.
Wait a minute!
Who the hell are you,
a cross-eyed miss Cleo?
Wait a minute.
You work for
dionne Warwick's psychic
retard network?
Huh?
Damn!
How did she know
I just wanted to fuck?
Yo, what's up,
y'all girls?
My name is Trey.
Hi, Trey.Hi, Trey.
I was wondering
of you ladies,
can I dance with y'all?
Go ahead.
Yeah?
Whoo! Smack that ass.
Smacking that ass!
So, ladies,
what about us getting
a little threesome
going on, huh?
Excuse us.
It's 'cause I'm white,
huh?
I'm your big hunk, baby.
I'm all chocolate.
Hey, girl, what's up?
Where you been
all my life?
Oh my god!
What's wrong, baby?
I thought you was something--
I mean, someone else.
Oh, who might that be?
Ughggh!
Whatever!
You know that yourself,
nigger.
Tramp...
Hey, how you doing?
So, uh,
are you enjoying
the party?
Yeah, me, too.
You don't talk much,
do you?
Say what?
You're deaf?
So, you can't hear a word
that I'm saying, huh?
Ok, how about this?
Can I fuck you?
So, you didn't
hear me, huh?
Ok, ok. Let's see.
Can...
I...
Fuck...
You?
Ow!
What the fuck?
I thought you was deaf.
You thought wrong,
you sick bastard!
You ain't got no ass,
no way.
I'm getting mad.
I can't believe
I ain't never going
to get any pussy!
[Vomits]
Hey.
I didn't see you
standing there.
Well,
I've been standing here
all the time.
I can see that now.
Young man,
have you ever...
Do you believe in
black magic?
Oh, it's wonderful!
You've got to try it!
Ohh...
What's up, girl?
You all right?
Fine.
You are fine.
What's your name?
Nice to meet you, too.
Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Now you're asking
a real woman, ok?
Let me tell you,
what you need to do
is treat her
like a real woman.
Come with some style
and some class.
Like a Halle Berry
kind of character.
Halle Berry,
and what's the other one?
Angela bassett.
You saw the movie
waiting to exhale.
You got
to treat your woman nice.
What you do is
lay the roses down, ok?
We like the roses,
don't we, ladies?
We love the roses.
Sit your ass down, boy.
This is my moment here.
Glass of champagne,
lay me down,
you know, treat me nice.
Like a woman.
And you got
to spend some money.
And it can't be
no cheap champagne, ok?
Get me drunk,
you might get some.
Hey, man. You guys
having any luck, man?
Man, hell no!
What the fuck
is that smell?
Oh, man, this girl
threw up on my damn shoes.
What?
Nigger, that's nasty!
What you waiting on, man?
Clean your fucking shoes!
Where the bathroom at,
dawg?
Man, I don't know!
Go ask my cousin.
This party's whack.
There ain't no females
up in here.
Shut up.
Ohh...
Mmm!
Ohh...
Oh, hi.
What's up?
Nothing.
I guess
you were wondering
what I was doing
with this
sweet potato pie,
right?
Well, I was, um...
I was just practicing my--
my oral techniques.
Huh?
I'm a lesbian virgin, ok?
Say what?
I'm gay!
And I was just practicing
on how to eat...Pussy
so that when I have
my first lesbian lover
I'll know how to do it.
Ok...
My family doesn't know
anything about this, ok?
If you could just
not say anything to anyone
about this,
I'd really appreciate it.
It's cool, it's cool.
Your secret is safe.
Don't even trip.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
It's no problem.
Where's your bathroom?
It's down the hall
to your right.
Thanks.
Now, where were we?
Ohh!
Oh, yes!
Oh! Ohh!
Oh, no...
Damn, baby's a freak!
Damn, fool,
what took you so long?
What you doing?
Jacking off?
Chuck:
What's wrong with that?
Somebody
was in the bathroom.
Whatever.
Damn, it looks like
plan c failed.
We ain't gonna never
get no pussy.
Face it, y'all--
we're going to be
virgins for life!
Damn, man...
You're right.
Maybe not.
Look what's coming
our way.
Damn!
Damn!
Damn!
Yo, let's holler.
Whoa, whoa.
Y'all, we got to have
a better approach.
Man, like what?
Anything's better than
"can I fuck?"
Ok, ok. How about
something simple like
you ladies look nice.
Feeling that.
Boom.
You ready?
We should come at 'em.
Ladies, ladies, ladies!
How y'all doing?
You ladies
look real nice.
Thank you.
So, y'all ladies
like to dance?
Sure.
Oh, yeah!
So, what's your name?
Shawona. What's yours?
Trey!
Well, it's nice
to meet you, Trey.
It's nice
to meet you, too.
So, what high school
did you graduate from?
Washington.
For real?
Mm-hmm.
That's cool.
What high school
did you go to?
I went to Westchester.
Really? I have a cousin
who went to Westchester.
Was your cousin
a he or a she?
A he. His name is
Devonte clemens.
I never heard of him.
He used to play
for the football team.
Ok, ok.
So, what are your plans
for the summer?
I'm going to try
to lose my virginity.
Excuse me.
Actually, um...
No, uh, wait--
ok. It's ok.
I won't ask.
So, uh,
what about you?
Well, I'm trying
to get into ucla
so I can study nursing.
You want to be a nurse?
Yeah.
That's hot.
So, what do you
want to be?
I want to be a talk-show host
like Jerry springer, man.
Jerry's a pimp.
Yeah, he's crazy, fool.
Crazy like me.
You're a little too crazy
for me right now.
So, you never told me
your name.
Chuck.
Chuck? Chuck what?
Chuck my dick
up in ya.
Say what?
Nothing.
But my name is Chuck.
Oh, well,
nice to meet you, Chuck.
It's nice to meet...
All of you.
Whatever.
I'm...right here.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course, of course.
But you never told me
your name either.
Tikia.
Tikia?
Yes.
Ooh, that's ghetto.
Um, you wouldn't happen
to know Ikea, would you?
Who?
Never mind.
Tough crowd.
Um, so, uh...
Anyways...so, what
are your hobbies, Chuck?
My hobbies?
Mm-hmm.
Well, my hobbies are...
Trying to get fucked,
jackin' off,
and I like
to watch pornos
in my spare time.
Ok.
What?
Hey, girl, what's--
what's--hey.
I was joking!
Hey, come on. Hey!
T-t-t-Ikea! Tikia!
Girl, it was a joke!
I was joking!
Are you going
to tell me your name
or what?
I'm sorry.
That's ok.
Perry.
Perry?
That's a nice name.
Thanks. What's yours.
Tishona.
Tishona...
Tishona's cool.
Why y'all got to lie?
You know it's a ghetto name.
It's a little--
it's ghetto.
So, what do you like
to do for fun?
Fun? I don't know.
Well, after this,
do you want to have sex?
Huh?
You heard me.
Do you want to have sex
after this?
I'm real flattered
but I'm still a virgin.
Wait...are you serious?
It's a little embarrassing,
I know--
why would you say that?
I find nothing wrong
with you being a virgin.
You don't?
I actually find it
kind of sexy.
Especially since
I'm a virgin, too.
Really?
Yeah.
Damn!
Oh.
[Muttering]
What?
Wait.
Did you just fart?
No.
Something--
I might be the garbage
or something.
So, uh, listen, Regina,
thanks for inviting
me and my boys over
to your barbecue.
I had a nice time.
They did, too.
Good, I'm glad you guys
enjoyed yourselves.
Cool, cool.
So, uh, I'm going to go.
All right. You call me.
All right.
Later.
Ok.
Friends,
not only did we find us
some females,
but they virgins, too.
Man, it's too good
to be true!
I know, man.
This is it!
The moment
we've all been waiting for.
Gentlemen,
take a breath in.
Tonight is the night
we lose our virginity!
Yup.
All right, man.
I'll catch y'all later.
Yeah, me, too.
I got business
to attend to.
[Heavy breathing,
talking in sleep]
Are you ok?
Ha ha ha!
[Both giggling]
Well, I had a nice time.
Yeah, so did I.
When can we
see each other again?
I don't know, you tell me.
You have my number,
right?
Yeah.
Give me a call tomorrow
if you can.
Ok, I will.
Well,
I guess I should go.
Yeah, it's getting
pretty late.
Do you want me
to walk you home?
No, that's ok.
All right.
Bye.
Bye.
Next time
we have to do this
at my house.
Sounds fair.
But other
than that complaint,
I had a nice time.
Yeah, me, too.
Talk to you later.
Wait, I can't find
my purse.
You can't? Oh, man.
Look, you don't have
to do all this.
Parents just leaving--
what?
[Tishona screams]
Oops.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Thanks...
For such
a wonderful time.
No. Thank you.
I'll never forget this.
Me, either.
Good night.
It's been...
A very special night
to me.
Me, too.
Are you sure you don't want
to spend the night?
No. I don't want to get
you into any trouble.
Are you sure?
My parents leave for church
early in the morning,
and they never
come in my room
and wake me up.
No, it's ok, really.
All right.
Call me.
I will.
Good night.
Good night.
♪ I can't get her
out of my head ♪
♪ no, I can't get her
out of my head ♪
Damn, man.
I can't believe it!
We ain't virgins
anymore!
Me, either.
Finally, huh?
Not only did
I lose my virginity,
but it was my first
one-night stand!
Mine, too, dawg.
Mine, too.
Me, too.
We got through it!
Trey, what happened
with you last night?
Break it down.
Man, that shit was crazy!
But I'll tell you this,
though, man.
That pussy, man--
that shit felt good!
You know what I'm saying?
That's what
I'm talking about.
So, get this--
we was in bed, right?
Are you ready?
Wait.
Do you have a condom on?
Of course I do.
Good. Now go slow.
I will.
Ow!
What?
Wrong hole.
Oh, my bad.
Jesus!
I didn't know--
my fault.
That's better.
Oh, yeah?
Oh...ohh! Shit!
That's it?
We both got ours.
It's all good.
Yeah.
Yeah!
I was in heaven.
I feel you.
Me, too.
Check this out.
Me and tikia
was about to do it,
right?
Chuck: You sure
you want to do this?
Yeah.
Are you?
Yeah!
You know
there's no turning back
after this, right?
I know.
Ok.
Let's do it.
Damn...
You don't know
how to put it on?
No--
just give me a second.
Ok.
It goes like this?
Come on!
You need help with this.
No, no, no, no!
Just give me a second.
Whatever.
Ouch!
My bad!
Damn, baby, are you ok?
I'm fine.
You hit me right--
I'm fine.
It's ok.
You're all right.
I'm fine.
Here, let me help you.
There we go.
Cool!
[Flatulence]
What was that?
What was what?
Nothing.
[Flatulence]
[Flatulence]
[Flatulence]
[Flatulence]
[Flatulence]
You don't hear that?
[Flatulence]
Boy,
you're hearing things.
Oh, god...
[Flatulence]
For real, dawg.
Her pussy
just kept farting
until I came.
I think it's called
a queef, though.
I don't care
what it's called.
Her pussy
just kept farting away!
That's crazy.
But it ain't as wild
as what happened
to me and baby
last night.
[Loud snoring]
[Snore]
Ugh! Tishona?
Wake up, girl.
Tishona, you're snoring.
Look, girl, tishona,
you got to get out of here.
My parents
are coming home soon.
Come on now.
Oh, shit!
Are you all right?
Man, she had to go, dawg.
Her mouth sounded
like a drive-by in my room.
Damn, man.
This girl was amazing.
I don't know how I'm going
to tell enchilada, man.
I got to let her off easy.
Man,
fuck that fat bitch!
I got somebody you could
hook her up with.
Man, who?
Denny's.
Ohh...
If that shit
don't work out,
my other homeboy--
sizzler.
Man, that's cold, dawg.
But I like it.
All that time
she done stealing
off my plate.
Next time, I say
we throw our own barbecue
and invite a gang of hos!
Two of them this time.
Hey, mama!
What's up?
Hey, Mrs. Williams.
What are y'all boys up to?
Oh, just, uh--
planning our future.
Oh, really?
Like what?
I don't know, uh--
college.
Oh, really?
So, as soon as
the summer is over,
y'all plan on
going to college?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, well, that's good.
I bet all that thinking is
making you boys hungry, huh?
What you going
to be cooking for us?
I ain't cooking nothing.
But you can have this.
What have we got
there?
Open it up and find out.
I got to hang
these clothes up.
The crenshaw mall
had a good sale today.
What you waiting for,
fool?
Open it up!
All right. Looks like
a sweet potato pie.
Man, y'all thirsty?
Yeah, come on,
let's get something
to drink.
Man's voice: I know
you're going to dig this.
♪ That's right
♪ break it down
♪ say what?
♪ Down like what
♪ get down like that
♪ say what
♪ girl, you got me feeling
like we can't get it right ♪
♪ we are groaning
and moaning ♪
♪ after staying out
all night ♪
♪ I see that you was
down with me... ♪
[Scat singing continues]
Chorus:
♪ let's get naked
♪ I'd rather be naked
[Singing continues]
♪ I'd rather be naked
♪ Free to do
as you want to do ♪
♪ and be what you wanna be
♪ within the broad guidelines
of your majesty ♪
♪ free to do
what you want to do ♪
♪ and be what you wanna be
♪ within the broad guidelines
of your majesty ♪
♪ Let's get naked
♪ Let's get naked
♪ Let's get naked
♪ I'd rather be naked...
Captioning made possible by
lions gate films