Sweet Home Alabama (2002) - full transcript
Melanie Carmichael, an up and rising fashion designer in New York, has gotten almost everything she wished for since she was little. She has a great career and the JFK-like fiancée of New York City. But when he proposes to her, she doesn't forget about her family back down South. More importantly, her husband back there, who refuses to divorce her ever since she sent divorce papers seven years ago. To set matters straight, she decides to go to the south quick and make him sign the papers. When things don't turn out the way she planned them, she realizes that what she had before in the south was far more perfect than the life she had in New York City.
Hurry up, Jake!
We gotta get home...
or mom's gonna kill me.
Wow, did you see that?
1,001, 1,002... 1,003...
- Answer the question!
No, you won't answer,
or, no, you won't marry me?
Jake Perry, I'm 10-years-old.
I got too much to live for.
Not that way, you don't.
- Wow! Cool.
- It's hot. Don't touch it.
- We'll be safe here.
- Says who?
Lightning never strikes
the same place twice.
Why would you wanna marry me,
So I can kiss you any time I want.
Oh, my God.
You know, that accent of yours
is a whole lot thicker when you're dreaming.
how come you all let me sleep?
- Oh, calm down. It was five minutes.
- What did I say?
That we're all getting big fat raises
when you become somebody.
Uh, whoa, did they kill Badgley Mischka.
Okay, laugh now,
but tomorrow it could be us.
Not us, you.
I just make the coffee.
Thanks for the long night.
- I'll see you at the show.
- See you later.
- Bye, now.
- Get some rest.
Hey, honey, good morning.
There's a rose for every moment
I thought of you last night.
God, you must be exhausted.
Listen. Knock them dead.
I'll see you at the show.
It's gonna be great. I love you.
I can't wait to see you.
We are officially late!
This top is supposed to be neon aubergine
but it's all wrong! It's all... wrong!
Okay, don't panic. That's my job.
Um... Okay. Put her on after Anouk.
The third light cue is yellow.
She'll look eggplant.
Uh, okay, Pan! Uh, the reason's all wrong
is it's on backwards.
Ooh, Miss Dixie!
I'm scared of you!
Frederick... What are you doing here?
You're the competition.
Our designs are plumes and pearls.
And nothing is going to come
between me and my protegee.
And this is, after all,
all about... me.
Oh, I love this.
Stella McCartney's gonna kill herself.
Why do I feel like I'm in the middle
of Times Square, buck naked?
you're gonna be just fine.
Seven years ago, you were
this little debutante just off the plantation.
And now you're my steel magnolia...
with her very own show.
Okay, get outta here
before you make me cry.
do you have a moment?
Please, tell me
he has a flaw... somewhere.
He asked me
to go to Ireland for Christmas.
He's gonna ask you
a lot more than that.
- You think so?
- Okay, let's go, let's go.
- All right, uh, we gotta go.
Come on, let's go. Line up.
Okay, don't smile. No smiles, just smirks.
- Ah, congratulations.
- You're amazing.
- Those flowers were insane.
- Oh, well, I just want this day to be perfect.
- Oh, God, honey, what if they hate me?
- Oh, the critics smell they hate themselves.
That's easy for you to say. I wasn't born
with that thick Hennings skin.
No, you weren't.
And that... is what I love about you.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I got a meeting in the Bronx.
You go and enjoy it
and I'll see you later.
Oh, hey, we've got that...
thing tonight at Lincoln Center.
- What thing?
- Fundraiser thing.
Right. The thing!
With your mother... That's tonight.
- I'm afraid so.
I am so proud of you.
- Thank you.
- I love you.
- I love you, too. Congratulations.
His meeting's running a little late.
He told me to take you inside
to see if you can win a car.
Where are we?
- I'm so tired, Jimmy.
- I've just had it.
- Well... He shouldn't be too long.
won't you come in?
So... Have you made a decision?
- About what?
That's four months from now.
I was thinking maybe...
2-300 guests, tops.
For Christmas? Andrew, are you
on some sort of medication?
What's going on? Where are we?
Oh, my God!
Oh, oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
will you marry me?
Are you sure?
I mean, a-a-are you really sure?
Because if you're not,
we sure can just go back to the car.
- It's only been eight months.
- You know I never do anything rash.
And I usually never ask a question
I don't already know the answer to.
So... at the risk
of being rejected twice,
I'm gonna ask you again.
Will you marry me?
- Mayor, just one shot. One shot.
- Over here, Mayor. Right here.
- Where is he?
- He's running late.
thanks to that Carbuncle girl.
- Carmichael. Designer. Southern.
- Right. Whatever.
how do you answer
those who are opposed to
the street-improvement project
you put before the City Council today?
I suggest they take a drive
on some of the streets of Brooklyn.
Maybe they'll disappear into a pothole.
Your Honor, your son's relationship
with Melanie Carmichael.
Sources say they are engaged.
Do you have a comment?
Trust me, if my son were engaged,
I'd have a comment.
- I thought you were tired.
- Jimmy, can you excuse us for a second?
I've been planning this for weeks.
I knew it should have been great.
This thing tonight is perfect.
God, I can't wait to see
the look on my mother's face.
- Come on! Let's call your parents.
I-I mean, uh...
not-not right this second.
What I mean is, uh,
honey, would you mind
to agree if we just kept this
to ourselves for a few days?
Mel, it's gonna come out
sooner or later.
I-I know, I know, but, um, see,
I haven't seen my folks in about seven years
and I just feel like I should...
probably... tell them in person.
I think I should do it alone.
Mel, I'm gonna have
to meet them eventually.
I-I know, I know. And they will love you.
- Is it because I'm a yankee?
- Well, that, and a Democrat.
Okay. Mum's the word.
- No one will know.
- Thank you.
Have you told your mother
I'm sorry we're late.
That shade of lipstick does
nothing for you, Andrew. What kept you?
Uh, it's none of your business.
Now, you know I hate suprises.
What's going on?
Oh, Tom. Always a pleasure.
Good to see you.
So good to see you.
Look at you,
always the belle of the ball.
I hear very good things
about your new line.
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
Seems Melanie is wearing a skating rink
on a very important finger.
I'm... Your Honor, if it's all the same to you,
I'd really like to keep this...
Oh, my God!
Bloody hell no!
I'm your first New York friend
and I have to read about it
with 12 million other people.
Sorry, honey. She just grabbed my hand.
What was I supposed to do?
I know. We read all about it.
So, did you cry?
One man for the rest of my life?
I'd bawl my bloody eyes out.
So why don't you come and meet us?
It's around the corner.
I can't. I'm in Alabama.
Oh... my God.
Oh, he's loud, but he don't bite.
Come on, shut up, hound.
Come on, stay.
How can I help you?
Well, for starters, you can get your stubborn
ass down here and give me a divorce.
Come on, Jake, I mean it.
The joke's over.
Let's finish this.
I've got a plane to catch.
You're shitting me, right?
You know, I never actually understood
that expression, but no, I'm not shitting you.
Look. It's even got
these idiot-proof tabs to make it easy.
There's one copy for me,
one copy for you,
and one copy for the lawyers.
You show up here... after seven years
without so much as a...
"Hey, there, Jake. Remember me, your wife?"
Or... "Hi, honey. Looking good.
How's the family?"
You expect me to tell you
you look good?
What, they ran outta soap down
at the Piggly Wiggly since I left?
They laugh at that up north,
or wherever have you've been?
You knew where I was.
And don't even pretend you spent
all this time missing me.
Oh, I missed you all right. But at this range,
my aim is bound to improve.
Is that a threat?
I've got a lawyer
charges 350 an hour.
He billed me every time
you sent these papers back.
Well, I'm glad to see
you finally got the message.
- Shut up, Bear!
- Shut up, Bryant!
What happened to Bear?
He died. You weren't here.
What are you doing?
Leaving. You done it.
You should recognize the gesture.
Could we just try to keep this
as civilized as possible?
Please, sign these papers
so I can go home.
What do you know from home?
Hell, I bet your folks
don't even know you're in town.
That's my business.
Honey, those people
are the only family you got.
Don't you "honey" me, honey!
Get your butt back in that car,
drive over and see them,
and then maybe we'll talk.
You dumb, stubborn, redneck hick!
You know the reason you won't sign
these papers is cause I want you to!
Wrong! The only reason
I ain't signing
is cause you've turned
into some hoity-toity yankee bitch
and I'd like nothing better right now
than to piss you off!
What the heck are you doing
with Mo Slidel's plane anyhow?
- That's my business!
Divorce, my ass.
Next time you lock somebody out,
make sure they don't know
where the spare key is hidden.
that's the thing about hide-a-keys.
It'd be nice if your wife
told you where it was.
I'm not your wife, Jake.
I'm just... I'm just the first girl
that climbed in the back of your truck.
But you're right.
I have changed.
I don't even know that girl any more.
allow me to remind you.
"Born into one of the wealthiest
families of Greenville, Alabama,"
"her daddy's in cotton
and all that that implies."
There is no listing for
an Earl Carmichael in Greenville.
How 'bout the local high school?
No record of Melanie Carmichael
Jesus! Whatever happened
to responsible journalism?
There's something wrong here.
Why would my son do this to me?
- Maybe he, uh... loves her?
- Oh, please! This is classic rebound.
He's still wounded from breaking up
with... Who was his last girlfriend?
Whitney Trusdale, lawyer,
Yeah. Well, there was
a match made in heaven.
Society, political family,
All those electoral votes.
Get Andrew on the phone.
Since we only have a very small window
for the Secretary of Housing,
please hold your questions
until after the presentation.
You see the look on my mom's face?
I thought her head was gonna explode.
Yeah? What would she say?
That I should date women like Mel,
not marry them.
- That's harsh.
- Eh, that's mom.
- Thank you.
- Thanks a lot.
We hope to have
the Bronx Children's Hospital open by fall...
Oh, speak of the devil. Hello.
So... have you two lovebirds set a date?
I'm pleading the Fifth.
Okay, fine. Just try
to keep your secrets, I dare you.
Oh, at least you sound like
you're in a better mood.
My approval rating
went up two points.
It seems the public likes
being reminded I'm a mother.
- Eh, always running for office.
- I'm only thinking of you. Say... um...
Do you happen to have the Carmichaels'
number down there in... Greenville?
I thought perhaps
I should introduce myself.
Yeah. I would like to meet them first,
if you don't mind.
You do realize the press is gonna be
all over this. Take it from me.
Happy couples don't sell.
So, if there are any skeletons in her closet,
Andrew, we need to know about them.
You make clothes, right?
I design them.
There's a big difference.
You design anything with stripes?
You called the sheriff?!
that old bastard hates me.
For good reason.
Well, hell's bells!
If it ain't Felony Melanie...
Hot damn, girl,
do we miss you around here.
Hey, I think I saw
poor old Fuzz just the other day.
Oh, God, you had to bring that up.
I can't believe it, you're the sheriff?
Yep. I get to frisk pretty little things
like you all day and get paid for it.
Wade, try and be a little more professional
about this. We got us a crime suspect here.
Now, Melanie, you can't
just go breaking into people's houses.
I didn't break in, Wade.
I used a key. My key.
Well, it still ain't your house, darling.
I'm gonna have to escort you out.
Use the cuffs, Wade, please.
Wade, if you can just get him to sign
these papers, I'll let you run me outta town.
- Now, that's none of your concern.
- Well, what do we got here?
- A bill of divorcement?
Hell, boy, I thought you said you took care of this.
And I thought I had.
Well, if you two are still married,
it's her house too.
This here ain't nothing
but a domestic dispute.
He didn't hit you, did he?
Cause if you tell me he took a swing at you,
I'll take him in right now.
We take that stuff
pretty serious nowadays.
Jake's never hit me.
You know what?
I don't have a single childhood memory
that doesn't have you two in it.
And that includes the night
I lit my ass on fire, remember that, huh?
Wade... Memory lane is closed.
Ah, hell, boy. You two got
a whole lotta catching up to do.
So, now's I'm gonna leave you to it.
- Man, I set you up with your wife.
- You make me crazy.
- You owe me one.
- Why don't you just sign the papers?
Hey, there is nothing I can do.
The law is the law.
And she has done nothing wrong.
I suppose shoplifting steaks
at Winn-Dixie is okay?
Oh! Oh, oh! Oh, oh!
I took them back and you know it!
You remember that incident of vandalism
out at the stockyard? Totally her.
Like I could tip a cow by myself.
some outstanding warrant
for whoever dumped
your momma's tractor in the fish pond?
I have ten of these,
and it's gonna be gone for good.
So, if you are loving this monster...
Eight? We have eight only?
If I knew how to say that in Italian,
I would, but I don't.
Who could be calling at this hour?
Melanie? Is that you?
Oh, it's so late. Are you alright?
I just thought I'd surprise you.
Well, this certainly is a... a surprise,
hearing from you,
you being such a busy girl an' all.
Course, I call people while I'm doing
the dishes or shelling peas.
- Oprah calls it... multitasking.
the-the call isn't the surprise.
I'm-I'm in town.
Oh, Lord love a duck!
Oh, my baby girl has finally come home.
Earl, she's in town.
If you're gonna repeat everything
she says cause of yore, just get off my chair.
- I'm just sitting here, is all.
What happened to the sound?
I turned it down
so I could hear the phone ring.
What are you, clairvoyant now?
It was so loud,
I couldn't hear myself thinking.
I heard it all the way
at Joe and Merlene's house.
- I only get three minutes.
Oh, honey, you didn't need to call, then.
Just come on by.
Uh... Well, that's the thing. I was sort of
hoping daddy could come and get me.
So... What put you in jail this time?
Jake and his big fat mouth.
It was just a misunderstanding, that's all.
- Hey, kinda like that wedding I paid for.
- I would hardly call that a wedding.
The boy was nervous.
He was still drunk
from the night before.
- Can you blame him?
- Yes, I can!
I went to the reception by myself
with puke all down my dress
while he slept it off
in your Travelodge.
- And you're still... siding with that...
- I'm not siding with anybody.
The boy's changed.
You know, can we just
not talk about Jake? Ok?
I-I know he's the son you never had
but I'm your only daughter
and maybe you wanna know...
what's new with me.
I met somebody.
And he's... quite a catch.
He's, uh, he's really a great guy.
And I'm happy. Really.
Come to momma, sugar.
Oh! Good land of the living,
you are skin and bones.
Don't I get a smile?
I know you got one in there somewhere.
Come on, come on, let's not let
all the bought air out.
Are you hungry... sweetie?
Do you want me to reheat
some chicken fried steak?
- Ah, no, momma, I'm fine.
- Sweetie, you look tired.
Are you tired? Oh, you know what? Maybe
it's the way you're wearing your hair now.
You guys have really done
a lot with the place.
Lord, would you listen to that accent.
Why won't you sit in my good chair? Your
momma got me this Christmas before last.
Oh, you mean the one when you guys
were supposed to come visit me?
I told you time and time again,
it just didn't suit.
Lemme-lemme get you those... tickets.
Sit down in it. Sit down.
Now watch this.
ain't that quite the deal?
There are hardly words.
Now, how do I get out this thing?
Oh, my God!
Jake tell you he's thinking
of getting one?
Well, I see your priorities.
Jake, jail and then home.
Momma, it was just
unfinished business, is all.
Jake's doing all right.
Boy's going places.
Once upon a time
you were going places too.
Here are your tickets.
These were a gift.
I'd rather you guys just use them.
what I can't understand is
how you all visit every stupid battlefield
in the continental US
but... you can't manage
to visit your only daughter.
Oh, the door swings both ways, sweetie.
And anyway, don't get me started
on things I don't understand.
Here we go.
Momma, your dream for me was to get
out of this place and be somebody.
That's why you shoved me
in every beauty pageant in the state.
- I'm just saying, is all.
- What?! What are you trying to say?
I really... Just tell me what I can do
to make you happy.
- Just make yourself happy, darling.
- Done. We're there, all right?
You know, I've really made something
of myself. I have a career.
People actually wanna be me.
And, uh, somebody loves me
and I love him.
Pearl, won't you get us some of
that baloney cake outta the icebox.
Your momma's a complex woman.
I'm going to bed.
But you know nothing about her.
Are you even sure who she is?
I love her, mom.
That's nice. But you have to be careful.
You and I are different.
We're not better, we're not not worse,
we're just different.
We're in public life to serve,
and to serve to the best of our abilities...
- you have to set good examples.
- You have to control everything?
Tell her I put a hold on the Plaza
for the second weekend in June.
That should to give you
a nice long engagement.
We were thinking Christmas
If you think I'm going to let some girl
talk you into getting married...
She is not "some girl".
She's my fiancee, for Christ's sake.
You are just like your father.
One minute, you're brilliant,
The next, you're throwing it all away
on some young piece of ass.
Those are your issues, mother.
You know what?
How long does
a contested divorce take?
Mr. Buford, I don't have 18 months.
I don't have 18 days.
Okay, well, that's just
not gonna work for me.
Don't see the likes of you
round these here parts much.
- You look like sex on a stick in that.
- Mr. Buford, I have to call you back.
why don't you just kiss my...
...ass! Oh, my God!
Get in the truck here, missy. Cause
I don't do that sort of thing on the street.
I guess your momma raised you right.
Whoo! What is that, Calvin Klein?
Very good. I better back off.
I don't wanna get you in trouble
with the little lady.
There is a little lady, isn't it?
No, hell. I can hardly afford me, much less
some high-maintenance babe.
What about Cindy what's-her-name?
You got her real hot and heavy in high school.
What happened to her?
She's a women's softball coach
up in Nashville.
Well, that explains
some lingering questions I had
about a game of post office
we played one time.
I guess we all have our little secrets,
don't we, Bobby Ray.
Yeah, we sure do.
Course I read about yours
on the internet.
I know all about the cocks
in your henhouse.
God! Bobby Ray! You sure know
how to make a girl blush.
Yeah... Uh, well, I gotta get back to the
factory. But you in town for a while?
Oh, God, I hope not.
I'm just hitting the bank.
- Well, I better scram.
- Ha-ha, very funny.
- It was really good to see you.
- Good to see you, too. Bye.
Oh, hi, Eugene.
How's your leg?
Oh, it don't give me too much trouble,
Dorothea, I'm gonna take my... lunch.
Well, look what the cat dragged in.
- Dorothea? Oh, my God, you've...
- ... lost 110 pounds, I know.
- Well... congratulations.
Uhh... I noticed that
you don't have an ATM.
Oh, them things.
Russ don't wanna put one in
on account of you lose personal contact
with the customers.
Yes. That would be tragic.
Wade said you and Jake
had quite the reunion.
But that's just pillow talk talking.
- Are-are you and Wade...?
- Going on three years.
Course it ain't Tiffany's. But then again,
you can't believe everything you hear on TV.
Uhh... I-I need to make
a withdrawal from my...
- ... joint account?
- My what?
Your joint account. With Jake.
From what I hear,
you all are still married.
Yes, we are.
Looking good. How's the family?
Cut the shit. Where's my stuff?
Now, what kind of wife would I be
if I didn't pick up after my husband?
The kind that don't live here.
I'm gonna ask you one last time.
Where is the hide-a-key?
I had the sweetest chat
with Wade's mom about her tractor.
Nice to see
you got your accent back.
Oh... I stumbled
across a few things today.
What happened to the stove?
Oh, and where are them lily magnets
I had over here, huh?
What the hell is this?
Lite beer. Less calories.
I tried to pick out a new bed,
but have you been to the Sit 'n Sleep lately?
Yuck. I suppose I'll just have
to order something from New York.
Whatever blows your dress up,
Go right ahead
and spend your money.
Oh, but, darling... I thought you said
we should think of it as... our money.
Just a guess...
but I'm thinking the words
"joint chequing" are flashing
in your head right now.
- How much did you take?
- All of it.
- Son of a bitch!
- You want a wife... you got a wife!
And what are you doing with all that cash?
Why don't you invest it?
Don't you know anything?
I know if you don't get out
of this house right now...
Sign the papers
and I'll give it all back.
Gimme the pen.
Hold on. What are you doing
with all that cash saved up?
- Gimme the goddamn...
- And since when did you quit the tyre factory?
You're not doing anything illegal,
are you, Jake?
Maybe I am. So, what?
I don't ask about your boyfriend.
You keep your nose outta my life. Deal?
Who told you?
Honey... just cause I talk slow
doesn't mean I'm stupid.
Nobody finds their soul mate
when they're ten years old.
Yeah... I guess.
I mean, where's the fun in that,
I can't believe
you kept this thing all these years.
You know, most people don't know
lightning does that to sand.
Oh, hey, Mel. You know what?
I just remembered
I got myself a hot date.
You don't mind if I have my lawyer
take a look at these, do you?
I'm just a... simple country boy.
There's words in there
I can't even pronounce.
You might be taking me
to the cleaner's for all I know.
- The cleaner's? You?
- Say, what'd this set you back anyhow?
More than you make in a month.
Just sign the damn papers!
Nah... But... thanks for stopping by.
- I love you, I love you, I love you.
- Are you sitting down?
Why? Bad news?
Just picked up the "New York" magazine.
And I quote,
"That cool breath of fresh air
blowing through the tents at Fashion Week"
"was the soon-to-be household name
of Melanie Carmichael."
have labeled her the next big one."
Oh, my God! The next big one?
Oh, God, honey, I needed that
almost as much as I need you.
What is that noise?
- The sound of my past.
- Have fun.
Batten down the hatches, boys!
Trouble that just walked back into my life,
disguised as my favourite daughter-in-law.
Oh, honey, drive that pretty face
over here and gimme a hug. Oh!
Soon to be ex-daughter-in-law.
- Whoo-hoo! Who's the lucky guy?
- His name is Andrew.
- He's in politics.
- Well, he got my vote.
Good to see you, baby girl.
Hey, you give this lady whatever she wants!
I'll catch up with you later, okay?
I'll have a Grey Goose martini,
two olives, dirty. Thanks.
Oh... my... God! Melanie?!
- Yes! Oh, my God!
Look at you, all fancy. You look
like you stepped out of a magazine.
Oh, well, thank you, uh... Look at you.
- You have a baby. In a bar...
- Hell, I got three more at home.
This one's still on the tit,
so I can cart him anywhere.
You know, I almost bought
that exact same top the other day.
But Clinton would kill me if
I spent 30 bucks on a... sweater thing.
That Jaclyn Smith
knows what she's doing.
Actually, it's mine.
Bergdorf just picked it up.
I design clothes now.
Ohh... Mm... Now that you mention it,
I'm... I'm pretty sure I heard that.
So, do you know Jaclyn Smith?
Mind if I join you?
- Actually, we do.
- You must be Jake's hot date.
Hi. I'm Melanie,
Jake's snotty yankee bitch wife,
whom he refuses to divorce,
even though... I'm engaged to another man.
Hot dog, Jake,
look at the size of that thing!
Honey... Why don't you get us
couple of drinks, all right?
- Is... that a martini?
- Oh, uh...
Not... me and her "us",
you and I "us".
Why do you make me
be mean to you?
Is that what you want? To be humiliated
in front of all your friends?
Oh, come on, Mel.
We were your friends too.
- Well, lookee, lookee, lookee.
- Hot damn!
Well, well, well. If it isn't
the two groomsmen of the apocalypse.
- Hey, Eldon!
- Are you hungry?
- I'm starving, Clinton.
No, no, no, no, don't you...
don't you dare!
I could use a Melanie sandwich!
- Just seems like... old times.
- Get your hands off me!
No! Not like old times, all right?
Times have changed.
No more Melanie sandwich,
no more Melanie taco,
and no more Melanie corndog, all right?
- Just playing with you.
Guys, just grab a stick.
We play some pool, all right?
And if you can't find a cue,
just pull the one shoved up her ass.
Melvin, I can't believe you're still wearing
that same old stupid hat.
Well, I... just about got it broken in.
Now, you sit your bony ass down there
and watch and see me
teach Jake here how to lose at pool.
Well, see, that's the thing.
I'm not really a watch-and-see
kinda girl. Am I, Jake?
Come on, Bobby Ray. You got it.
Don't... blow this one, okay?
All right, baby?
You can take the girl
outta the honky tonk
but you can't take
the honky tonk outta the girl.
So, Jake... Are you gonna
divorce this girl or what?
Well... she waited seven years.
A couple more days won't kill her.
- Like it's gonna make a difference.
- You never know.
You might be interested
to learn your boy Jake here...
Hey, let her think
whatever she wants, Clinton.
She made up her mind about me
a long time ago.
Some things never change.
Like Eldon here.
He never could get his balls
in the right pocket.
Okay, Jake. It's you and Mel.
Clutch time, Mel.
It's just like state playoff.
We're down by six.
Seven seconds to go...
We need that babe beautiful 52-yard bomb!
- You remember that, Mel?
- How could I forget?
That was the night
Jake got me pregnant.
Why don't you just go public
with that shit?
Ow, come on. It's not like
anybody can keep a secret around here.
- Except for Bobby Ray.
- Now, what did I ever do to you?
You never did anything to me,
darling. Or any other girl in town.
Melanie, what is the matter with you?
- What do you mean?
- Oh, she's just unhappy.
Of course, I would be too if "Women's Wear
Daily" called me "less than mediocre".
Why don't you just go
to a gay bar?
Now, what would B-Ray do
in a gay bar?
Think I had about enough fun
for one night.
Oh, Come on, I was just kidding.
Hey!... Stella!... How about another round
of drinks for my friends here?
I think you had about enough.
You know what? I think you're right.
I have had enough.
I mean, how do you people
live like this?
That's it, that's it.
Did you know that
there's a great big world out there...
that has absolutely nothing to do
with chitlins and children or beer?
I liked her better
when she was crazy.
What makes you think you can treat them like
something you stepped in in your fancy shoes?
- You asked for it!
- I asked for it?!
You show up here,
you steal my money,
you rearrange my house
and then you insult my friends,
acting like you're better than them?!
I am better than them!
And you stole my pen.
- That's all that matters to you, isn't it?
- Thank you.
The money... the labels... the shoes...
Oh, like you're going places.
I am, as soon as I get my keys.
- No, you don't, no, you don't, now.
- Gimme my purse!
You wanna kill yourself... you wanna kill
yourself, you do it somewhere else. There.
At least I'm doing something with my life.
So what if you can't play football anymore?
- Get in the car.
- Get a new dream.
- I did.
- Get in the truck now.
I... guess the date's over, huh?
Do me a favour. Follow us home.
Listen, Pearl, you go easy on her.
We don't want another seven years.
Ow... We were wondering
when we're gonna see you.
Christ Almighty, daddy.
How am I gonna explain you in New York City?
No use sweeping it under the rug.
- Wish me luck.
- Go get them yankees.
People need a passport
to come down here.
Hey, Bryant. Where is he?
Come here. Come on, Come on.
Come on. Bryant, Bryant, come on.
What's she doing here?
Thought you would be gone.
- Bryant, there you go, boy.
- I put the money back in your account.
There you go.
Thanks. Saves me
from bouncing a lot of cheques.
Can he swim?
Don't look like it.
I like what you did, though.
To the house.
Should help it sell quicker.
Are you moving?
Well... I been spending
a lot of my time up round Tuscaloosa, so...
- How deep is that water?
- About eight feet.
Look, Mel... I signed your papers.
Jake, I never meant to hurt you
or anybody else for that matter.
And I just came out here
to say... thank you.
You might wanna find yourself
a place outta the way.
You can't just leave!
Sure I can.
- You wanna come?
- Where you going?
I wanna show you something.
- I can't.
- Can't or won't?
- The girl I knew used to be fearless.
- The girl you knew didn't have a life.
Guess you better get on with it, then.
Come on, Bryant.
Come on, boy, get in here.
E-excuse me. Do you know
Bobby Ray Bailey's address?
You don't remember me, do you?
Oh, I remember you just fine.
You used to steal catfish from my pond.
Yes, sir. I did that.
Course. On the weekends, Bobby Ray
goes over to the Carmichael plantation.
Visits with colonel Murphy,
it being tourist season, you know.
- Oh, hi. I'm Melanie Carmi...
Uh... Melanie... Smooter.
I-I'm here to see Bobby Ray.
If he's alive, he's out back.
They're out here somewhere.
Watch your step.
Melanie? Don't move!
Hold your fire, sir.
I'll be right back.
We weren't aiming for you
but I doubt I woulda gone to your funeral.
Guess I wouldn't blame you.
I'd forgotten how beautiful
this place was.
Yes, it doesn't take much
to forget a lotta things, does it?
Bobby Ray, it's not like that.
You know what? I'll tell you what it's not like.
It's not like Jake's the only one
around here that you run out on.
I'm so sorry I outed you.
I guess I figured that
if I was pointing at you then...
nobody would see through me.
I can't find the fuse!
I should go before he kills himself.
- Can I help you?
Barry Lowenstein, "New York Post".
Am I glad to see you.
I'll tell you, it's, uh... definitely, uh,
another world down here.
- Uh, did you say the "Post"?
- Yes, I did.
I-I was hoping to get an interview
with you and your family.
Maybe, um, a few pictures,
if you don't mind.
No. I mean, uh, yes, I do. Mind.
They're not here.
This is just as you described it.
It... must have been amazing, huh,
growing up here?
Like a fantasy.
- Would you mind if I take a quick look inside?
- Actually, I'm on my way out.
- I'll come back then.
- Uh, um, uh, okay, but.. just a peek.
This is it.
Home, sweet home.
- How old is this place?
It was built by my, uh,
Charles Carmichael, in 1853.
Oh. Boy! I bet you slid down
this bannister a time or two.
And over here, we have the, uh...
... kitchen. But who hasn't seen
one of those? Let's start over here.
Now, this is my favourite room.
It was part of the, uh...
Why are we whispering?
The whole place is haunted.
By... ghosts of...
Civil War soldiers.
Dang Confederate buttons!
No wonder we lost the war.
Was that one of them?
- What are you doing in the closet?
- Hi. Barry Lowenstein, "New York Post".
Miss Carmichael was just showing me
around the, uh, plantation.
Uh... Mr. Lowenstein is writing
a piece on the family,
you know, since I'm marrying
the mayor's son and all.
I had no idea.
Isn't that something?
Well, a plantation by any other name
is just a farm.
But it does roll off the tongue
a little sweeter now, doesn't it?
Well, I do believe Miss Melanie
forgot her manners. I'm Bobby Ray.
See, when the yankees marched to Alabama,
they tried to destroy our metal-forming capabilities
by placing barrels of powder
underneath the anvils.
Course, all they managed to do was
blow them sky-high for a few seconds.
So, in honor of that act of stupidity, we all...
we get together to recreate it for the tourists.
What the hell was that?
This here's Barry. He's doing
an article on Melanie's wedding.
I never heard of her!
Aren't you just a big fat liar?
- Bobby Ray!
- Oh, go back to New York.
I'm sorry about what I said.
- Really sorry.
- Oh, well... Forget it.
Okay, you all. You need to eat and
be quiet. We're gonna have us a little visit.
You know... He went up there.
Who? Jake? When?
About a year after you left.
He don't know I know,
but Clinton let it slip once.
Jake was in New York?
He told Clinton he'd never seen anything like it.
He realized straight off he would need
more than... an apology to win you back.
He needed to conquer the world first.
He's been trying ever since.
- That's why he kept sending the papers back.
It's funny how things don't work out.
It's funny how they do.
Hey, look who I found hanging out
by the parking lot, hesitant to join us.
Anybody think of anything in here
that, uh, might bother Bobby Ray?
Uh, Clinton's breath?
You still the same Bobby Ray from last night?
Last time I checked, yeah.
let me buy you a drink.
Well, you're really not my type.
you-you drink that from the top.
I'm-I'm just looking to see
who makes this Deep South Glass.
I wonder if you can get it in New York.
Uh, Mel would like to know where she can find
some of that snooty-falooty glass.
- Why ask me?
- Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because you're...
You're all spiffed up... and all.
Am I missing something?
Let's show some respect, folks.
Jake! When was the last time
you pushed me around the dance floor?
Clinton has got two left feet.
Well, Miss Taylor,
I'd be honored. Let's do it.
Come on, Mel! Get on out here!
Well, aren't you
the Lord of the Dance?
I ain't as clumsy as I look.
She just can't keep time.
You might have to prove that to me.
Now... he's pretty good.
It might be you.
Ow, the hell you say!
Let me at him.
Oh, look at them two,
Why do they fight it?
Maybe we could just talk.
Let's go to the roadhouse.
What do you say we drive up to Fairview
and bowl a few frames.
- I don't think so.
- Wanna go arrest somebody?
- Hey, I know this great place where...
you all, I think I'm gonna
call it a night.
Hey, there, boy.
Sorry it took me so long.
I would have come sooner
if I'd known you were sick.
that's probably not true.
I've been pretty selfish lately.
Dogs don't know anything about that,
do they, though?
You were always
like a big old pillow.
Like, when everything
you never left my side.
And then I just left you.
I bet you sat there
wondering what you'd done wrong.
I told him it was my fault.
- Quit being so nice.
- It's the truth.
How come it has to be
- The truth.
He was one helluva good dog,
You looked like
you were having fun out there tonight.
I'm happy in New York, Jake.
But then I come down here
and... this fits too.
Since... when does it have to be
one or the other?
You can have roots
and wings, Mel.
Maybe I could just fly south
for the winter.
- There. Can you see them?
Lightning bugs. Only you.
I still go out there sometimes.
I see those big thunderheads
It's like a religion.
I had a dream about it
the other night.
You ever wonder what would have
happened if we hadn't gotten pregnant?
- Just... let me get this out before I can't.
I thought that baby
would be an adventure.
And it took me a while to realize
it would have been your only adventure.
I just guess
Mother Nature knew better, huh?
I was so ashamed.
Cause I felt...
All of a sudden,
I just... needed a different life.
And you've done real well
I'm proud of you, Mel.
I'm just sorry I never danced
with you at our wedding.
I'm sure this next one's
gonna go better for you.
- Jake, I can't do this.
- Hey, hey.
Now, I'm just saying, is all. I mean, I... I saw
the way you two were looking at each other.
Will you just shut up about it, momma?
I can't help the way Jake feels about me.
He hasn't done anything wrong.
- He hasn't done anything right either.
- I can't believe we're having this argument.
I'm leaving, I'm gone.
I'm marrying another man.
Yes, that's right, young lady. You get a
second chance, so, please, don't mess it up.
- For who? For me or for you?
- Don't sass me, okay?
Don't you dare sass me cause I have put up
with an awful lot from you over the years.
Like what? Like me quitting
your precious pageants?
I didn't want you
to end up like me! Damn it!
Now, you need to stay as far away from here
as you can. That boy is quicksand.
What's so wrong with being you,
I just think that...
you deserve better, that's all.
I know you do.
You always have.
- I'll see you in New York, all right?
You'll like it.
And don't you forget to say goodbye
to your daddy.
Who you looking for, darling?
- Anybody seen Earl Smooter?
- He's about to surrender!
- How are ya?
- Good, thanks. Yourself?
- This is a beautiful house.
You, uh... you're here
to see Bobby Ray?
Actually, I'm... hoping
to surprise Melanie.
- My fiancee.
You got the wrong house,
This is, uh, the Carmichael place,
Are we talking about the same girl?
- Melanie Smooter?
- Melanie Carmichael.
Oh... Well... that explains it.
It sure does.
- Jake... Perry.
- Nice meeting you, Jake.
What's going on?
Oh, you know.
Just, uh... talking to Mel's fiance here.
Wondering if you might know
where she is.
Oh, Andrew Hennings. You must be...
I-I'm Bobby Ray. Her, uh... cousin?
- I-I see you've already met Jake... her, uh...
- Her other cousin.
It's great to meet you both.
I think Melanie said
something last night about, uh,
visiting her daddy... up at the...
up at the battlefield.
You know us, Southerners, we... the minute
the Confederacy died, it became immortal.
I'll, uh... I'll give you a ride up there.
That's great, thank you.
All right, nice meeting you.
So, who's... Melanie... Snooter...?
- Local hero around here.
- Why's that?
- She blew up the bank.
- And that made her a hero?
Well... notorious anyway.
She was ten.
Fortunately, nobody was hurt...
except maybe the cat.
The one with the dynamite
on its back.
- She blew up a cat?
- Ah, it was scheduled to die anyway.
- From dynamite?
- The vet said it had cancer.
So, Eldon thought it would be put
in one of those chambers,
the ones that suck their lungs out?
Little Mel, she couldn't bear
the thought of that.
She, uh... she wanted something more humane.
So, they were doing some blasting
by the new highway,
so, we, uh... we took ol' Fuzz up there,
taped him up...
We used about, I don' know,
30 feet of fuse, just to be on the safe side...
- ... said our prayers and ran like hell.
- Of course.
So, there we were, sitting in
Virgie's diner... feeling pretty blue,
when Mel looks up and sees that damn cat
trotting down the road, searching for Eldon.
Shit. And we woulda caught him too,
but, once that fuse hit his tail,
he took off like a shot.
And into the bank.
Thing here is he probably wriggled loose
from the explosive
cause, uh, people still see him
from time to time, scorched tail and all...
He's a lil' skittish round humans.
- That's quite a story.
- She was quite a girl.
Whatever happened to her?
Oh, you know...
Wound up pregnant... married some loser
right outta high school.
- What are you doing here?
- I came to deliver your fiance.
- I think she was talking to me.
Must be exhausting.
- Living a lie.
- What's he talking about?
You and I are in love
with two different people.
Is he a second cousin?
- He's my husband.
- Your what?
- I mean, my ex-husband.
- You married your cousin?
- No, I came down here to finalize my divorce.
- Jesus Christ! Melanie!
I thought that was you.
This must be your new someone.
Earl Smooter. Glad to meet ya.
Andrew, wait! Wait!
Andrew! Wait! I just... Please!
Let me try and explain myself.
You don't understand.
This is not who I am any more.
Look, I don't know who you are,
and what else you lied about,
but I know one thing.
There is a Lear jet in Mobile
and I.. am on it.
I know you're thinking
I spoiled things good this time.
Don't go accusing me of thinking.
I ain't doing anything of the sort.
Anyway, spoiled's in the eye
of the beholder.
Like these plums here.
Some people might call them spoiled...
but I think that, uh,
these almost ruined ones...
sometimes make the sweetest jam.
Do you need help?
It was kinda fun seeing daddy
up there surrendering.
Yeah. He sure does have
a flair for the dramatic.
You certainly don't get it
from my side of the family.
Hey, you all... Look who I found
walking down 958.
I thought you would be
halfway to New York by now.
So did I.
Ooh, if I'd known... company was coming,
I'd have put on the dog.
This is my momma.
She makes the best jam
in three counties.
And my dad.
You... you already met him.
And this is our home.
This is where I grew up.
It's a pleasure meeting you both.
I'm Andrew Hennings,
Well... That is...
if she'll still have me.
Look, Mel... I really don't care
what happened down here.
So, you have a past.
I mean, who doesn't?
What I need to know... is if there is
a place for me in your future.
Oh, good Lord,
that is the sweetest thing.
Ah... Hello, New York City.
Woman, what are you gassing about?
Well, sir... my mother happens to be
the mayor up there.
And, uh, she would like nothing better than
a big, snazzy New York wedding.
I suppose I could take off work.
Andrew, I, um...
I must say I was thinking maybe
we could have the wedding here.
- In my hometown.
If you're worried
about the money, don't.
It's not about the money, Andrew.
Not down here.
You know... a lot of people are expecting us
to get married in the city.
But I think a nice quiet
country wedding is just the ticket.
Earl... Pearl, if you... if you folks could...
take care of the rehearsal dinner,
I'd really like to take care
of the rest.
Well, I think we could cover that.
Heck! How many times does
your only daughter get married?
Other than before.
- Felony Melanie?
- She was never convicted.
Oh-ho-ho! I don't know which is worse,
child cat-killer or sons of the Confederacy?
What would you suggest I do, mom?
Dump her for being poor?
You're supposed to be a Democrat,
There is nothing wrong with being poor.
I get elected by poor people.
And I'm a big enough person to commend her
for making something of herself.
What upsets me is that she lied to you.
She was ashamed of her background.
I mean, who hasn't been embarrassed
by their parents at some point or another?
I'm going to assume
that was a rhetorical question.
No one is gonna change my mind
Not you, not the media, not anyone.
But admit it. I was right.
Yes. You were right.
But she came clean. Now can we move on?
There is a wedding in your future,
whether you like it or not.
And how exactly does little Miss Alabama
plan to accommodate 500 people?
she has connections at the jail.
There are several excellent choices.
The Travelodge, Days Inn, Motel 6...
oh, and the Golden Cherry Motel,
where we will be.
Laugh now. But if this gets out...
The press expects the Plaza in June.
Now, let's talk about your wedding.
This place is gorgeous
and we can control the security.
Oh, the Carmichael plantation?
It did inspire your identity,
did it not?
You thought of everything, yeah?
Well, I always do.
Been great. Keep in touch.
- You guys remember the sheik?
Well, he proposed to me and I think
I loved him, despite his billions.
Then why didn't you say yes?
Because I hesitated
long enough to realize
my head and my heart were saying
two different things.
Well, it's a big decision.
Well, it's supposed to be
the easiest one you ever made.
Hey, Tabby, this is it! This is the stuff
I was telling you about.
"Deep South Glass."
Oh, yes. Let's.
Ooh, that's pretty.
What's the matter?
Oh, my God.
Do we know...
Wow! Look at these.
It's what happens to sand
when it struck by lightning.
- She's pulling your dick.
- No, really.
I've seen it.
You just have to dig it up.
- Hey, Bryant.
- Friend of yours?
I saw him first.
I, uh, think he's already taken.
I, um... I tried to call you
a couple of times.
Listen, since you're here,
you and your friends
should, you know, look around
and... have some lunch...
You know, you sould sit on the deck.
Come on, Bryant. Let's, uh...
Let's leave this lady alone.
Yes, sir. Can we help you?
I-I-I'm looking for a Melanie Carmichael.
Anybody here recognize that name?
- What business you got with her?
- I'm afraid that's a private matter.
Well, then I'm afraid
we can't help you.
- Damn reporters.
- It's like the first ant at a picnic.
Now... This one here
is from Louisiana.
See? It's got a little alligator on top.
How sweet. I can see
where your daughter gets her taste.
This is one of those disasters
waiting to happen.
You know, one of the big ones
only cockroaches survive.
It's going to be fine.
One down, seven million to go.
Careful. You just smashed
the state bird of Alabama.
Oh, my, my. Well, I can see
why Melanie is so adorable.
I'm so happy to be here.
We're so happy to have you here.
I'm sorry the place is such a mess,
Mrs. Hennings. Mayor!
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't you dare, it's Kate.
You know, I've been trying to get Earl
to weed these shrubberies
and repaint the trim and everything...
Oh, my God!
Look how pretty she is, Earl.
- Yeah, I bet Kate could use a drink.
- Kate could indeed.
Well, just come right on then. I've got
some fried pickles, hot right outta the grease.
It's-it's a lovely chair, Earl.
Yeah, but to get the full effect,
you gotta pull this here handle.
It was quite a deal.
Hold onto your drink, Kate.
- Uh, Buford. Wallace Buford.
I'm not on that list but I've got
some urgent business with the bride.
Not today, you don't.
- All right, sir, let's get it turned around.
- Let's go.
- There's a wedding going on.
- Yeah, I heard a mention of it a time or two.
I sure hope
this weather cooperates.
It's supposed to be a big one.
You know, Jake...
you're my only son...
and I love you.
But sometimes... you are
too much like your daddy.
She made her decision, mom.
For somebody who's been
holding on to something so hard,
you're pretty quick to let it go.
You know, I can't control her any more
than I control the weather.
It's just nerves.
You're doing the right thing.
When I married your daddy...
oh, Lord, I was a fool for that man.
I couldn't put one foot
in front of the other.
And I was standing there thinking "Oh,
preacher,hurry up before he changes his mind."
Look where it got me.
Sometimes that man makes me
so mad I could just wring his neck.
But you still love him...
God knows I do.
And only He knows why.
He can-he can give you a life...
that we never dreamed of.
And he adores you.
He does, doesn't he?
Well, even if he is a yankee,
at least he's sober.
Get here! Get back here!
- Get your hands off me!
- Wait! Let him go!
You are one hard woman
to get in touch with.
Mr. Buford, he signed the papers.
What are you doing here?
He did. You didn't.
You mean I'm still married?
Well... only if you want to be.
For God's sakes, Melanie...
I thought you took care of this.
It's an honest mistake, Andrew.
Well, then can we fix it
before we all get soaked?
Does anybody have a pen?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
These things don't just happen,
You can't ride two horses
with one ass, sugarbean.
- You don't wanna marry me.
- I don't?
No. No, you don't.
You see, the truth is...
I gave my heart away
a long time ago.
My whole heart.
And I never really got it back.
And, uh, I don't even know what else to say
but... I'm sorry. I can't marry you.
And you shouldn't wanna marry me.
Wow! So this is what this feels like.
You're just gonna let her humiliate you
with some bullshit about an old husband?
I think I am.
In my entire life,
I have never met anyone
so manipulative, so deceitful...
And I'm in politics!
I'm just trying to be honest.
I will not allow the future president
of the United States
to be dumped at the altar
by some psycho Daisy May!
- You go after him, you little bitch!
- Wait. Just a minute now here, missy.
Now, there... there's no need
for name calling now.
Now, she spoke her piece
and that's all there is to it.
Oh, go back to your double wide
and fry something.
Nobody talks to my momma like that!
Praise the Lord!
The South has risen again!
Hey! you all! If you're friends
of the bride, stick around!
I'm gonna go find me a groom!
You owe me a dance.
Where's your husband?
I'm looking at him.
you and I are still hitched.
- Is that right?
Why didn't you tell me
you came to New York?
- I needed to make something of myself.
- You about done?
What is it about you Southern girls?
Can't make the right decision
- till you trying all the wrong ones?
- At least I fight for what I want!
Oh, what do you want, Melanie?
I don't even think you know.
You're the first boy I ever kissed, Jake.
And I want you to be the last.
Maybe you and I had our chance.
Have it your way, you stubborn ass!
What do you wanna be married
to me for anyhow?
So I can kiss you anytime I want.
What the hell are you two
trying to do? Get yourselves killed?
What seems to be the trouble,
I'm here to bring you in,
What would she do this time?
Well, the way I hear it, it seems
she ran out on a perfectly good cake!
Here we go...
Well, folks. Look who finally
made it to their reception.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. and Mr. Jake Perry!
You might wanna keep those
for the honeymoon.
Hey, hey, hey! Speech! Speech!
Well... I do believe
I owe this lady a dance.
You sure do!
Shut up, Bryant!
Look at this.
Make it a slow one.
Let's show in. Smile! All right.
All right, stand right here.
All right. Stand real close!