Svengali (2013) - full transcript

Svengali tells the story of Dixie, a small town guy with a big dream. He leaves a humble Welsh mining town for the bright lights of London, intent on becoming the manager of the best band in the world. Svengali is a feel-good British comedy with a heart of gold and a soundtrack to match. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food

My name is Paul Dean.
But everybody calls me Dixie.

Now, I've come to London
to manage the best new band in the world.

All my life

I've dreamt of walking in the footsteps
of the great Svengalis of rock and roll.

You know,
like Brian Epstein who found the Beatles,

or Malcolm McLaren who had the Pistols,

or the legend that is Alan McGee.

And next there'd be me.

Do you know what? I lie there at night
and I imagine people saying my name.

- SHELL: Dixie!
- Oh, sorry.

Oh, yeah, this is Shell. She's my girl.

- You daydreaming?
- Sorry. Yeah.

Look, London Eye.

And there's Big Ben.

- Can we go on that later?
- I know.

- What? The London Eye?
- Yeah.

No. We've got to go see the band
as soon as we can.

DIXIE: You see what happened was,

a few weeks ago back in Wales,

I was on the Internet looking for bands,
and there they were,

The Premature Congratulations.
Do you know what?

- Shell. Shell. Sit up.
- What?

- Michelle was excited as I was.
- What?

So next morning, first thing,
I'm in my music shed

packing my rarest records
and I'm ready to go.

- Oh, Jesus!

Shell trying to help, like...

Oh, yes.

I've got to go to work.

Then I lassoed her and I said,
"Baby, you're coming to London with me."


The most difficult thing, well,
that was telling my father.

I'd better go. It's my last round today.

It's like the '80s all over again, ain't it?

People are moving away to work.

Don't knock the '80s, Dad.
Some good music come out of the '80s.

Fair play, though,
they put on a cracking leaving do for us.

They had like top DJs.
They even had a bit of a whip round.

Dixie, we had a bit of a whip round.
And this is for you and Shell.

Oh, you shouldn't have done that, Dad.

Hey, hey, hey. You can only spend it
when you get married.

- ALL: Aw.

I'll tell you what,
as soon as I get a record deal,

first thing I'm gonna do is
I'm gonna marry Michelle.


DIXIE'S DAD: You said it now! (LAUGHS)

Right, I'm gonna make a speech.

People love my speeches.

Oh, Dixie.

Later on,
it was onto the overnight Megabus...


...and off to the big city.

London, you got to love it, haven't you?

It's the rock and roll capital of the world.

Anyone who's anyone is here.

And my best mate,
from back home when I was a kid, Horsey,

he's a top record company boss here now.

Tell you what,

when he hears my band,
he'll snap 'em right up.

'Cause if there's one thing I know,
it is music.


Now all I got to do is persuade this band
to let me manage 'em.


Boys, you're the best new band
that I've ever heard.

And believe you me, I've heard them all.

Give me six months

and I promise I'll get you a record deal.

And we'll do it all on a handshake.

So you can walk away
whenever you want, yeah?

Just give us a few seconds, eh?

- All right...
- I understand what he's saying...

- We don't even know where he's from.
- I think he's from...

- Just give them the beers.
- MACCA: No, he's from Wales.

I got beers.

- Sound then, mate. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.

JAKE: Nice one.

- Cheers, mate.
- Cheers.

TOMMY: Yeah.

JAKE: Here y'are, man.

- Fantastic.
- Nice one, mate.

- Can I have one?
- Yeah, of course you can. Sorry, love.

Boys, you're gonna change the world.
Honestly, trust me.

- Fucking howay, mate.
- Thank you.

ALL: Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!

TOMMY: What's your name again, boss?

DIXIE: How good were they, huh?

SHELL: Yeah, they were amazing.

Amazing? Amazing.

- And incredible.

Hey, he was a dark horse, after all,
wasn't he?

Is it this one?

Yeah. Shell, he was a dark horse at first.

Yes, he was a very dark horse, Dixie.

- You're supposed to say, "Who?"
- Huh?

- You're supposed to say, "Who?"

- Come on, say it.
- Who?

- DIXIE: Black Beauty.

DIXIE: I'll knock the door now.


Hiya. Dixie, Michelle. Here to see the flat.

1,170 pounds a month, all up front.

She said 1,000 on the phone.

(SOFTLY) Shh. It's all right, love.
Let's just get it.

- Can we have a look at it first?
- No, it's fine.

It's fine. No worries. Um...

There's 1,000 there in that bundle.
There's the bit extra.

Have you got 20 quid, love?

- SHELL: That's all we've got left.

Let's just get it now.

SHELL: Can we see the flat then, please?

Hey, fair play. It's all right, this.

Hey, look! Double mattress.



Ugh, look. Ugh, I can't sleep on that.

- What is that?
- Don't smell it.

It's mayonnaise, that is.
Bit crusty, isn't it? White and crusty.

- Do you want to have a look? Come on.
- Get off. Stop it.

- You going on the bed? Go on, lie there.
- Get off.

DIXIE: All right, I love you! I'm going straight
to see Horsey about the band, okay?

- I'll see you after. Ta-ra.
- SHELL: All right. Good luck.

Hello. Horsey, it's me. It's Dixie.

How's it going, butt?

Listen, when you get this message,
give me a shout, I've moved to London.

And I'm managing a band. They are amazing.

So, give me a shout then we'll hook up, butt,
all right? Ta-ra!

Hello, Horse, it's me, Dixie.

Listen, I'm here in the middle of town.

North of Nash town... Actually, Oxford.

London Town.

Hi, Horse. It's me again, it is.

Listen, there's something wrong
with your answering machine, I think.

So, I'm gonna leave this message to say
that I'm gonna call in the office, all right?

So, I'll just come in to see you.

Make sure you get the kettle on, okay?

And we'll have
a nice cup of tea or something.

All right, then? I'll see you soon.

ALICE: Hey, can I help you?

Hiya. Yeah, I'm just looking for Horsey.

He's like one of the main guys here now,
I think.

- Who, sorry?
- Horsey.

Right, do you have an appointment?

Yeah, my name's Dixie. D-I-X-I-E.

- What's your name?
- Alice.

Alice, is it? How is it in Wonderland?

Big cat and all that. All right? I'm from Wales.

Horsey. It's like horse with a "Y" on the end.

- Oh, do you mean Mr Horse?
- Yeah.

Brian Horse.

Brian. Is that what they call him in London?

If you can give him a call,
let him know I'm here. Dixie.

He'll be out in two minutes.

Seriously. Tell him he owes me a fiver
as well. He'll laugh.

All right, butt? Listen to that.

Maybe if you'd just told Horsey, right?

- Just jog on, all right?
-No, just tell him Dixie's here,

-he'll be down in a second.
- Run along, mate! Run along!

You'll be sorry.

He'll have you counting paper clips
for a week.

No, no, no. Listen to me, right?
Cowell's been sniffing around.

They're gonna be astronomical
when their balls drop.

- Horse?
- HORSEY: I'm telling ya.

Listen. No, no, seriously...

Horsey? Horsey.

Jesus. Can I call you back?

Hey, hey, hey! How's it going, son?

- What are you doing here?
- I moved up.

I've left loads of messages for you.

What? You are living up here now, are you?

I'm in London, permanent.

- With Shell?
- Yeah, of course with Shell.

Hey, so, Horsey, how's it going, son?

Nobody calls me Horsey any more.

Right. Look at you.

I'm so proud of you, top A&R man
and all that kind of stuff.

Do you know what I mean?
And we go way back, don't we?

We were tight as kids.
We had the best bands on in South Wales.

Do you know what I mean? And listen,
I found a mint band, mate.

- Great. Yeah. What are they called?
- The Premature Congratulations.

- Never heard of them.
- Listen, nobody'd heard of the Beatles...

Please tell me you're wearing that ironically.

Oh, look, I'm really busy, Dix.
I got to go, okay?

- Hey, Horse, have a pint with me, son.
- I don't drink any more, Dix.

A cup of tea, then? Horse, it's me, man.

Look, two minutes, right! Walk with me.

That's all I need, son.

Come on, man. We're on London time now.

Okay. Just got to play you this
and then we can...

Jesus! Man! Dix! Man... Oh! It's a cassette!

I know, mate. Retro novelty angle.
People go mad for it.

It's like Polaroid cameras are back in now,
big time.

A&R men, they don't listen to cassettes
any more. They haven't got a cassette player.

It'll be like Oasis and the Pistols.
No media training,

-we unleash them on the world...
- Oh, my God!

Look what time it is! Right, I got to go.

- I'll come with you.
- Brilliant, Dix.

DIXIE: Do you remember that band,
the Four Year Old Virgin?

You know from Llanelli.

- They were all Brummies, moved down.
- No, I don't.

DIXIE: I was looking after them, right.

The lead singer,
he was like a manic depressive.

HORSEY: Right.
DIXIE: Kept trying to kill himself.

Under a train, threw himself in the sea,
tried to set fire to himself.

He was mental. I said, "Listen, mate,
whatever you do, wait until you're famous.

"That's what you do. You wait until
you're famous and then you kill yourself.

-"And then you become even more famous."
- All right.

This is me, okay? Right? This is me.

What is it?

Well, it's Soho House.
A members club. It's exclusive.

What? Like a working men's club?

Yeah, exactly like a working men's club, Dix.

Can you sign me in?

No, I can't. Okay, I'll see you later, Dix. Okay?

- Hang on, Horse. Have a listen to that.
- Right.

- I'll wait for you, okay?
- Great.

- I'll just be by here, okay?
- All right.



Are we lending money to mods now?

IRISH PIERRE: You don't see that much
around Belfast, I tell ya.

Walking around town with a parka jacket
with a fucking target on the back.

Why is that?

Get up them stairs.


Oh, Jesus wept! What is wrong with you?
You stalking me or what?

You listen to the tape?

Oh, mate, listen to me.

I came to London
to get away from twats like you. Okay?

But, Bri? There's no need to be like that.

Shut up! Just come on. He's a simpleton.

- Sorry, what's your name?
- I'm Dixie.

Dixie. I'm Natasha.

- Hi, Tash.
- Nice to meet you.

- And you as well.
- Come on!

I'm sorry about this.

NATASHA: What is your problem?

DIXIE: Horsey?
NATASHA: He seemed really nice.


No. You dropped your tele...

SHELL: Oh, look, Dixie, there's BT Tower.

It's post office tower.
It's the post office's tower.


DIXIE: Anyway, come on,
I got to go meet him.

SHELL: Have you told Horsey
that you're gonna come?

I'll ring him now.


Answer that. Quick, quick.

- Hello?
- Hello. (LAUGHS)

Dixie. Make sure
you give him his phone back.

-I will.
- Right.

I'll meet you outside Topshop
in half an hour, okay?

All right.

Where is Topshop?

Oh, Dixie! Try your map! You like maps.

I'll meet you by the post office tower.

Yeah, whatever.

All right, Horse?

Give me my phone, you twat.

Got it here.

I can't believe
you've been ringing these numbers.

Bono's management is well pissed off!

Come on, you got to ring Bono's number
if you got it, man.

You fucking played him music.

He had no memory left on his phone.

He's in the jungle with Sting!

Sting. I wouldn't ring Sting anyway.

What... it was the only person
you didn't ring!

Is that Alan McGee?

No, it's not Alan McGee.
lt just looks like Alan McGee.

Yes, it is. It's Alan McGee. Alan! All right?

No, I bet you took all the numbers down
on this phone, didn't you?

No, you can't. Your BlackBerry
doesn't transfer to Pay-As-You-Go.

- All right? How you doing, mate?
- How you doing?

- Big fan, mate. Massive fan.
- Yeah, yeah. What's your name?

- Dixie.
- Dixie? All right, how are you doing?

Yeah, I'm Dixie, yeah. I'm an old mate of his.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, Alan.
He's like a disabled bloke from home.

Listen, I've got... I manage a band.

You'd love them, actually.
They sound a bit like The Stooges.

All right, okay. It's a cassette.

Yeah, well, retro novelty angle.
That's what I said to him.

It's real unusual,

because the last time I got one of these
was in '93 off Oasis' Noel Gallagher.

King Tut's Wah Wah Hut,
that's where you signed them! Massive fan.

Oasis, Mary Chain,
I love them all, mate. Primals...

- Yeah.
- Get us a pint in, mate.

Dixie, we got stuff to do, okay?
So be a stranger.

No, listen,
just gonna finish my chat with Alan.

No. I can't, mate. Just be a stranger, Dix.

Come on, we're just having a little chat.
No, just 20 minutes.

One pint, that's all I want. Just one pint.

Just fuck off!

Cheers, Alan. Nice meeting you, mate.

Hey, listen,
we'll meet again down the road, right?

Yeah, sure.

ALAN: Cool. Be cool.

He's just enthusiastic, dude.

Yeah, "enthusiastic," that's the word.
Alan, got a juice there for you.

Ah, brilliant, brilliant.

Listen, I'm not being funny,
but I'm gonna have to go. Just got a text.

- What?
- But you're looking good, man.



Put a whisky in that for me, will you, mate?


- Hey. Great meeting you, man.
- Oh, and you as well.

Great, right, right.
You know, I love cassettes, so...

- You do?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Anytime you need to call me, anytime,
a bit of advice.

- I love the spirit, man. I love it.
- Thank you very much.

- Cheers, Alan. Thanks, Alan, that's great.
- All right. Be cool, man.

Cheers. All the best.



ALAN: Hello.

Hi, Alan, it's me. It's Dixie.

I'm just making sure this is the number
and this is you. This is you, isn't it?

Thank you. Cheers, Alan. Ta-ra.


Hey, fuck off!

- He's coming back. Quick! Run! Run!
- Dixie! What are you doing?


- Fuck off back to Notting Hill.
- Bloody lucky.

- Oi, Dixie!
- Come back if you think you're so tough!

- Stop it!
- He's coming back!

Oh, my God! Dixie!

Take one.

- Got it?
- Yeah.

- Remembered it?
- Yeah.

Okay, does it say, "The Prems"?

- Look at that!
- Oh, my God!

MACCA: Did I say that though?

- Did I say that though?
- You did say it.

- Is that what I said, is it?
- Yeah, you did.

- Did I say that?
- You owe us one beer.

Found you, then, boys.

Why'd you make us
come all the way up here, man?

Yeah, four stops on the Tube.
Are you fucking mental?

Yeah, and I paid for the tickets,
and I want my money back, okay?

Yeah, I'll sort the money back, no worries.

So listen, I've had an idea. I've got a plan.
A one-off seminal gig.

What does that mean?

It means no more gigs, right,

other than one gig here
which will become a massive event.

- No.
- What exactly does that mean?

No, no, no, boys. Listen to me.
Trust me on this.

Have I let you down yet?

I've been thinking about this for days.

London is full of boring bands.

Second-rate Kasabian wannabes

in skinny jeans and leather jackets,
it's boring, man.

Who wants to be the slag in school?

- Who wants the slag?
- I want to be the slag.

Yeah, you do, probably.

Everybody wants the girl
that nobody can get.

Do you want to be Shakin' Stevens or Elvis?
You know what I mean?

Do you want to be the Monkees
or do you want to be the Beatles?

That's how good you are.

We'll make this gig like when the Pistols
played the 100 Club.

Or when the Roses played the Hacienda.

I'm serious, it'll be that kind of gig.
They'll talk about it for years to come.

If you play here, they will come.
I guarantee it.

- Who will come?
- Alan McGee, for a start.

- Fuck off, man.
Bollocks, man.

Ring him. His number's on there.

- That could be anyone.
- Ring it! Ring it now!

- MACCA: Yeah, ring it.
- All right, fine.

- I'll sort the gig out.

All right, butt?
Are you the guy that puts the bands on?

Might be.

- Can you put my band on?
- If you like.

- How much is it?
-500 quid.

Five hundred? Oh, that's well decent.

Help me out no end this month.

I'm a bit squeezed, like.
Do you know what I mean?

It's 500 quid to hire the venue.

- Oh, I pay you?
- Yeah.

That's bollocks. It's not like that in Wales.

- Is that McGee? Alan McGee?
- This is McGee. Leave a message.

Fuck. Hi, Alan.


- What night can we have?
- Thursday is free.

We top of the bill?

You pay 500 quid, you can be
the only band on the bill. How about that?

- When do we pay by?
- Tomorrow.

- You accept cheque?
- Do I fuck?

- Fucking McGee, man.

This is on it.

JAKE: On it like a bloody bonnet, innit?

Fucking hell, Dix. Alan fucking McGee, man.

DIXIE: I told you boys it's happening.
You got to trust me.

And listen,
you're headlining here next Thursday.


I'll get some beers in. So what do you want?

No, I think they deserve champagne.
Don't you think, boys?

- Yeah, Tabby's right, man. Champagne.
- Good, champagne.

Champagne, yeah.

Expensive stuff and all.

All right, champagne it is.

Excuse me. Can I have a bottle
of your cheapest champagne, please?


All right, Dix.

Listen, man, me and the boys,
we're a little bit low on funds.

- Yeah, we need the rent.
- Yeah.

Boys, I'm a bit strapped myself.
I've had to pay for tapes.

Dix, I'm not even being an arse
when I say this, boss,

but if you can't sort it out,
we'll get someone who can.


How much do you owe?

Ah, six months.

Six months? What have you been doing
with your money, boys?

Keep livin' Ia vida loca and all.

35 quid, please.

DIXIE: l walked in there, right,
like John Wayne.


And I went up to him and I said,
"Give my band a gig, top of the bill."

Oh, Dixie, that's amazing.

- How much is he...


How much is he gonna pay, though?

- Plenty. Don't worry about that.

Will it be enough for us to have, like,
a palace in Gothenburg?

Gothenburg? Who the fuck do you know
in Gothenburg, Shell?

I know a person in every country.

In the world?

In the world.

I'll name them. Adamel.

- Chiportate.

Barbotana. (LAUGHS)

I'm gonna drop, Dixie.


- Strength of a bear. Speed of a puma.

Go on, baby, you can do it.
Go on up, leave the door.

- You can do it. I believe in you.
- I know. I know.

- I believe you can fly.
- I believe you're breaking my back.

I can believe you can... Hello, Katya.

Never mind these hellos.
I need to talk to you.

DIXIE: Nice earrings, love.

I don't like them.

- You are late with your rent payments.
- Oh.

No, what it is, right, because I'm Welsh,

it's like a foreign country,
like where you'd have come from.

You fucking think I stupid?

You're from the Wales, you're not foreign.

You get me my money
by the end of next week,

or you can fuck off back to the Wales, okay?

- Who do you think you are talking to...
- Easy, tiger.

- SHELL: Tell her about the fucking radiators

-that have never worked...
- DIXIE: Steady, tiger.

SHELL: ...since we bloody lived here.
DIXIE: Here.

SHELL: Quick, 'cause she's
gonna murder us.

DIXIE: Come in, come in.
SHELL: Oh, my God.

SHELL: Freezing in here. Honestly.

We're both gonna have to get jobs
to pay the rent.

- Jobs?
- Yeah.

We need to get a job.

- I could be a pimp.
- You can't pimp me out.

I could pimp that ass out.
I reckon I'd get a pound a shot for it.

A pound? You'd have more than a pound,
you cheeky sod.

One pound, 10 pence, then.

Ten, yeah. We're gonna have to use the...
We have to use the wedding fund, Dix.

We can't use that.

- Got to.

That's... I'm marrying you with that.

- Are you really gonna marry me?
- Yeah.

Are you pissing in the sink?

Well, I can't go back out there. She's mental.

Dixie, you can't piss in the sink.

- I've done it now.
- Oh, God.

She's knocked the water off.

Ah! Cheeky fucking bitch.

Oi, me nana made me that. Don't do that.

(SNIFFING) It smells of piss now.


It smells like piss. Ugh, I smelled it again.


- Give me a kiss.
- No.

- Come on, baby, give me a kiss.
- No.

Come on. Come and give me a kiss.

- Pissy kiss?
- Pissy kiss.

- Pissy...
- Yeah.


SHELL: I think I'm gonna be sick.


DIXIE: Is that it?
SHELL; Yeah.

Right, well,
I'll ring you when I'm on my lunch

and let you know how I'm getting on.

All right. Well, good luck, yeah.

Yeah, and you.

See you after, okay?

See you in a bit.

Excuse me, mate.
Do you know where lnverness Street is?

lnverness Street is just down there, bro.

- Just there on the right, is it?
- Just straight down there.

Fantastic. Do you do CDs, yeah?

- This is my album, bro.
- Is it?

Yeah, man. All independent music, brother.

See, well, you made a big fan.

- I'm a manager myself.
- Okay.

Yeah, The Prems. Have a tape.
Have a listen.

All right, man. I'll give it a listen, man.

I will do. I will do. Nice one.

- I'll give you a bump.
- Have a good day.

I'll shake your hand,
that's what we do in Wales.

Have a good day. Ta-ra, man.
All the best. Thanks.

Just there on the right, yeah?

- Just down there, bro.
- Brilliant, thank you.


DON: No, sorry, it's not
the sort of thing I do, mate.


You know the kind of music I do in here.

Listen. Listen to this.

Do you hear that? That's music. Right?

Coldplay ain't fucking music, mate.

- All right, butt?
- All right.

I believe you're looking for work.

Me? No, I've got work. This is my shop.

Oh, yeah, sorry,
I meant it's in Loot you require help.

And I'm...
I'd be perfect here 'cause I love music.

She put it in the fucking paper.

Listen, mate,
I do a very specific kind of music here.

For a clientele who really appreciate
and understand that music, yeah?

And I'm not sure that's you.

Yeah, I know. Well, you're a mod, like me.

- What, you mean you're a mod?
- Yeah.

- What makes you a mod?
- Well...

- How are you a mod?
- Well, my clothes...

What, a two-bit fucking parka and a Merc
T-shirt? Doesn't make you a mod, mate.

Yeah, I... Well, I... But I live the lifestyle.

What's the life?

Looking after yourself and being tidy,

and, you know,
having a... Being kokum on things.

Do what?

Kokum. It's that saying, you know, that...

"In difficult times, you've got to..."

"Clean living under difficult circumstances."
What about it?

- Yes! That's it! You know, see?
- Yes, I do know it, yeah.

You're like me, man.

Fucking hell. I'm sorry,
there's no work for you here, mate.

- There you go, Don. Who's this?
- Oh, my name is Dixie.

- Oh. Please tell me for the job.
- Yeah.

God, brilliant.

We haven't had anybody in a fortnight,

and we're gonna go away
for a couple of weeks next month.

- And you're a mod.
- What...

Thank you. I manage a band as well.
They're gonna be massive.

Oh. Brilliant. When can you start?

What... Ange, do I get a say in this?

Okay, Don, have your say.

- When can you start?
- Today.

DON: Oh, sorry, we don't need anyone today.

Yes, we do! We need someone now, actually.

We have got a massive order out back
that needs sorting out and sending.

This is my shop. This is my shop.

It's my name on the door. Do you mind?
Can I handle this please?

Okay, okay, okay, sweetheart.

You carry on with your interview.

It's not an interview, is it?

- Where was I?
- When can I start?

Shut up. You shut up. All right?

Listen, just give us a minute. Just fuck off.

Oh, okay.

ANGE: He might not be the sharpest...

Not the sharpest?
Look, he's special needs.

ANGE: I don't care what he looks like,
as long as he can do the job.

And if I don't have that holiday,
I will go mental.


- One day's trial.
- Brilliant.

- What's your name again, love?
- Oh, I'm Dixie.

- Dixie, Ange.
- Hiya, Ange. Nice to meet you.

- Don.
- Don.

ANGE: Okay, well, there's loads of vinyl.
Don will show you what to do.

And it's cash in hand. Is that okay?

Oh, that's brilliant. Thank you both so much.
I really appreciate this.

Can I ask one thing though?

Can I get an advance?

So, Burnsy, I've had McGee on.
You know what they say.

When the Scots Man calls it, you follow.

Exactly. What have the NME said?

That they're fucking mint.

- Have you heard them?
- I'm all over it, Francine.

Like a tramp on a bag of chips.

I got a cassette, too.

- A cassette?
- Yeah.

- Fucking genius.
- I know.

I'm off radar from tonight.

Auditioning a few more sperm donors.

So, Burnsy, will you get me this band?

I will, Francine.


- Hello.
- I'm pulling the gig, son.

Hang on a minute now, mate.

I told you no dough, no show.

Look, I'll get 500 pound there
for tonight, okay?

By 8:00, otherwise you can get to fuck!

Shell? Shell?


- All right, love?
- Yeah. You?

- Yeah. I didn't know you were in.
- I was having a wee.

- How was work?
- Oh, it was horrible.

The girls are really bitchy,
but it's fine 'cause we got the gig tonight.

- Yeah, I know.
- I'm dead excited.

I've got you some cash as well.
Couldn't get much. 50 quid.

Brilliant. That'll pay for the van.

Yeah. I've got to go and get ready.

JEREMY: What do they sound like?

Is that a CD?


He gives them out on cassette.

He's a fucking idiot, you know.

We burnt the one he gave us, didn't we, Bri?

Remember, in the fire in The Griffin?

- All right, you two...
- Remember, it went all bendy?

NATASHA: You're such dicks about this.

Cassettes, it's retro, it's cool.

You're saying that you like the cassettes,

I think you're right.

Okay, so we have the Scots Man over here,
and he's keen.

And we have the Scots Lady over here,
and she's keen.

And as a result, the Northern Monkey man
whose name I cannot remember...

It's Burnsy, Jeremy.

Whose name I cannot remember is also keen.

So I don't think it takes a brainiac
to work out what the next step would be.

No, absolutely. Yeah.

And if you fucking interrupt me again,
I will set you on fire. Am I clear?


Go and get the fucking cassette.

All of you.

Cheers, Jez.

SHELL: (SIGHING) I can't see it in here, Dix.

Look for the date.

Oh, my God! Wow!

- See?
- Well, that's amazing.

DIXIE: It's good, isn't it?

SHELL: Pick Of the Week in the NME.

If they said be here at 7:20,
that's when we need to be here.

TOMMY: Oh, fucking brilliant, he's here.

You late on purpose?

I was on the Tube.

TOMMY: We're freezing.

- Waiting here freezing cold, boss.
- Sorry.

Don't smoke in my face,
peace and love.

- Oh, it's Horsey. It's Horsey.

Go on then.

- Hello.
- HORSEY: All right, Dix.

Look, I just wanted to say
that I'm really sorry about the other day.

I was a bit pissed
and, you know, all that stress and so...

That's all right, Horse.

Yeah, it's Brian these days, actually.


Hey, look, I was just wondering whether
I could bring a few people down to the gig.

Ah, you know, from the company and stuff.
Is that all right?

Yeah, yeah, you can come to the gig tonight,
and you can bring who you want.

Hang on, love. There's somebody beeping,

-trying to get through.
-It's your mum.

Listen, Horse, my mother's ringing.
I'm gonna put you on hold, right?

- What? Dix.
- Just wait there.

Hang on tight.
I don't know, I'll just pull over and take this.


- Hello, Mam.
- DIXIE'S MAM: Hiya, love.

How did you know it was me?

I keep telling you this, Mam.
You come up as "Mam" on my phone.

Oh, right!

Too clever, mind, isn't it?
Modern technology.

Anyway, as you said, it's your mam speaking.

Yeah, I know. How are you doing, Mam?

Are you there?

So, what's the matter, Mam?
I got somebody waiting, see.

Really? Can they hear me, too?

They can't hear you, Mam.

God, I mean, how do they do that, isn't it?

I don't know, Mam.

How long can they wait then?

I don't know, Mam.

Oh, do you know who it is?

It's Horsey, Mam.

Never! I was talking to his Uncle Idris
by the Pound Shop last Thursday.

He's having terrible problems with his knees.

Mam, Mam, Mam, listen. I'm super busy.

Can I give you a call back later?
Is that all right?

Okay, love. I just wanted a quick chat
about your father, that's all.

About Dad? Why? What's the matter?

He's not well at all, love.

Well, I know, he's had a bad chest for years.

No, I know. But it's his bowels.

The doctor said
it's not looking too good, love.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No!

- Don't get upset, love.
- Bollocks!

(SOBBING) You'll get me going, too.
I'll call you back later.

No, no, Mam, Mam. I don't mean you. Mam?

Fucking hell, Dix!

What, like I got nothing better to do
with my time? Are we coming or not?

I'll sort it, Horse. Don't worry.

Right, yeah. Cheers, Dix. Thanks very much.

And it's fucking Bri...

Chuffing parking ticket.

I got to go back to Wales, love.

- What?
-It's my dad. He's been taken ill.

What did she say? Is he in hospital?

(SIGHS) She didn't say.

No, look, look, just calm down a minute.

You can't go back to Wales tonight, Dix.
You know that.

- Yeah, loan...
- Yeah, no, listen.

If he was really, really ill

and she thought it was critical,
then she'd tell you, wouldn't she?

You've got a band.
You've got to do this tonight.

You can't let them down.
You can't let yourself down,

and your dad won't want you to do that.

- All right?
- Yeah.

Don't worry. He'll be fine.

Yeah, I'll give him a call as well a bit later on.

Yeah, we'll call him on the way
and we can sort it all.

It's all okay. She's just panicking and she's...

You know, we'll find out what's going on.

- All right.
- All right?


Do you know how much I love you?

- How much?
- More than Wales.

- Shut up.
- I do, honestly.

- Come on, I'll race you to the van.
- All right.


SHELL: Dixie!
DIXIE; What?

SHELL: You nearly killed him!

SHELL: The fucking man on the bike!

DIXIE: I didn't see him!

JAKE: You got a light?

Anyone got a light?

You're wearing that again, are ya?

So you're wearing that again,
that same outfit?

- You're wearing that again, are ya?
- Aye. ls there a fucking problem with that?

There is a bit, yeah, 'cause you wear it
all the time, boss. It's all you ever wear.

Are you a fucking stylist now, are ya?

SHELL: Put it top up, there.

Been wearing it for fucking ages. It stinks.

It's fine. Your fucking mother
washed it the other night.

Oh, fuck, at least I've got a mother.

Why are you being such a fucking dick, man?

Why are you fucking such a dick, man?

- What is your problem?
- Shut the fuck up, Yoko.

- Who do you think you are, man?

Fucking shut the fuck up.

All right, you fucking dick, watch your talk.

- Fucking son of...
- Tommy, ignore him.

FUCK you!

- Stop it! Stop! Stop!
- Fucking dick!

- You fucking stupid slag!
- Stop! Stop it!

Tommy and Jake are having a fight.

They're always fighting.

No, no, proper fight.
Like, punch in the face, smashed glass.

- A real fight?
- Real fight. Real fight.



- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Tommy!
- Fuck off me!

Hang on. Shut up, all right? All right,
all right, calm down. What's happened?

He's a fucking animal.

He's fucking out of the band, Dix.

Jesus! Just stay with them. Stay with them,
stay with them. Jesus Christ!

- SHELL: What happened?
- He just punched him for no reason.


Guitarist went that way.

Fuck me pink!

BURNSY: Snapped my banjo string once.

Claret everywhere. Dirty Debbie, it was.
Yeah, '95.

Yeah. Think she's a lesbian now.

DIXIE: Tommy!

Tommy, can you hear me?




- Are you trying to play football?
- Better than you, boss.

You're English. You can't play football, man.

You're Welsh, man.


Do you know one thing about this place?

There's no mountains. Or hills.

Do you know what I mean? No perspective.

I miss that.

I bet you miss the sheep and all, don't ya?

I do. Just don't tell Shell.

So what's the matter?

Just get a bit nervous, Dix, man.

Bad nerves, like?

Nerves are good.

Bad nerves are good.

Way back, when we were cavemen,

it's the ones with bad nerves,
did all right, didn't they?

Do you ever sleep?

When I've had some weed, yeah.

Some weed?


Can't have any now. Got to play.

And the girls out there, I'll tell you what,
queuing around the block for you.

- Shoreditch girls as well.
- Oh, yeah.

All out for you. Tommy Collins.

- Fucking hell, Dixie, you mad bastard.

See? Good nerves.

I'll show you how to kick a football properly.
The Welsh way, all right?

You lot can't play football, man.
Leave it there, mate.

I'm like a young Mark Hughes.
Watch us now.


TOMMY: Wanker!
DIXIE: Oh, that's... Tommy.

What do you think they are, rugby posts,
you bellend?

I'll race you after three.
One, two, three, go!

- You bastard.

I know them all, you know.
Shaun, Bez, Rowetta.

- Yeah. All of 'em.
- Hang on, pal.

Hey. Heard the mix tape, mate. Mega. Yeah.
All real. Yeah.

- You play the bass, don't you?
- Yeah, man.

Great instrument, that. Yeah.

Well, I like Paul Simonon.

They here for you?

I think so, fellow.

Fucking hell.

I know him, yeah. Paul. Paulie.
I call him Paulie. We're like that.

You know what I mean?
From the Clash, innit.


- You know that one? Want a livener?
- No, mate.

No, you're sure?

Yeah, good gear, you know.
Give your dentist nightmares. Yeah.

Brian Horse plus one? And a half.

Nothing down, sorry.

Yeah, there is. Look again.
Look, I got to go in there, right?

Look, if your name's not on there,
there's nothing I can do, mate.

Got a situation. Quick.

- Salmon, give me a pen.
- What do you need a pen for?

What do you need a pen for? Shut up.
Just a bit of fun.

NATASHA: Oh, don't be a dick.

-(GIGGLES) He is there, look. "horsey."

DIXIE: Come on, boys.

- Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- CROWD: Prems! Prems!

Listen, it's packed out there.

There's people being turned away
and they're out on the street.

Let's do this thing, let's just do it.

Give me one minute, okay?
Give me one minute.


- Carl?
- Hi.

Listen, thanks for coming in, mate.
You liked the tape, yeah?

The tape?

- The tape I sent you.
- The tape! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Yes. Do you like it?
- Love it!

Brilliant. Listen, do me a massive favour.
Can you introduce the band?

- Oh, mate, you know...
- Please, come on, Carl.

They're massive fans. We're all massive fans.

No, no, you don't understand.
Dixie put me on the list.

- I understand loud and clear.
- You can ask him and all.

If your name's not on my list,

management says
you're not coming in the club.

Alan, how you doing?
You all right? You all right?

What's going on with these guys, man?

What, are you not on the list?
Has Dixie not put you on the list?

I thought...
These guys have come from America, man.

Where is he?

Well, I don't know. I saw him earlier on.

He blanked me, you know.
I had to pay to get in.

He's a dick.

This round-up there,
I think it's for the other band.

All right, tell him...
I'm just beyond pissed off, dude.

Sorry about that, Alan.


Ladies and gentlemen,

it is a great pleasure,
I humbly introduce to you

the only band in London worth listening to.

The Prems!

Boys, come on! Come on!

Here we go! Here we go!


Get on the stage. Get on the stage.


Sorry, guys. Just give us a few secs, yeah?

Seems our guitarist thinks
he's fucking Keith Richards.

Do excuse me. My friend Freddie Mercury's
got his trousers too tight.

I'm gonna blow them up.

Play! Play! Play!



Fuck off!


Oh, hello. Yeah, we're the van
you clamped near the Blue Posts.

Listen, we've been waiting for two hours.

And I got to say, 150 quid,
that's bloody outrageous, right?

You should...

They put the phone down on me. Again!

We're gonna be here all night.


Oh, McGee is ringing now.

- Dixie, you're gonna have to answer it.
- I can't.

- Dixie, you have to!
- No, I can't.

- It can go to answering machine.
- Stop running away and just answer it.

- Quick.
- Hello.

How could you not put me
on the list tonight?

I can't believe you could fuck up like that.

I'll tell you what, there must have been,
like, a mix-up,

'cause you were definitely down on the list.

Massive cock-up. You've got to get it right.

Don't be a suit, be a dude.

Yeah, brilliant. Thanks, Alan. Appreciate that.

I am actually lost for words.

- He missed the gig.
- Yeah, why?

I don't know.
There was a mix-up apparently at the door.

You know what, it's about time you lot...

You're Max Rushden.

- Hiya, mate.
-Soccer AM.

How are you? You all right?
Listen, loved that gig.

Little bit violent, but enjoyed it.

Look, I don't know
what you're doing Saturday,

but Mike & The Mechanics have dropped out.

So we would just love it
if you could come on.

Me and the band?

Well, all of you. You know,
I'll get our people to call your people.

- You got people?
- I've got Shell.

- Hiya.
- Yeah, all right.

Well, yeah, I'll tell you what,
I'll give you a tape. My number's on there.

Okay, I'll get someone to give you a call.

- Brilliant. Thanks. Cheers, Max.
- Okay.

Thanks, man. Cheers.

- Oh, my God! We're on Soccer AM!
- What's that?

The football programme
I watch every Saturday morning.

- Oh, football.
-It's TV!

I can't believe that. No band gets on there
that's unsigned. That's massive!

Well, can I come?

No, you can't come. You don't like football.
You support Notts County.

Hiya. Are you The Prems' manager?

I thought the band were great tonight.
Just what music needs at the moment.

Cheers, thanks.

Are they free to do a session
for me sometime?

Maybe Friday at the Beeb?

Yeah, that'd be great. Let me give you a tape.

No, that's all right. I've got one of your tapes.

Ah, someone will be in touch, all right,
from the office. See you Friday.

- Cheers, Huw.
- SHELL: Thanks. Cheers.

I'll see you later in the week.

- Oh, my God!

- I can't believe it! That's a BBC Session!
- That's amazing!

SCOTT: Oh, shut up!
SHELL: Oh, sorry, sorry.

- DIXIE: Sorry.
- I'm trying to get some sleep.

Dixie. Dixie.


It's me.

They can't stay here tonight, you know.

It's only for a few nights, love, that's all.

Okay, well, call me when you get there.

Give my love to your mum and dad.

I will.

I love you.

Love you.

What time is it?

Time for me to go to work.


Got any beers, Dixie?

SCOTT: Yeah, I'll have one, and all.

Have you drunk them all?

No, I'm sorry, Ange,
he's taking the fucking piss.

It's his second day.

ANGE: Look, look,
he can't help it if his dad's ill.

He really is ill, as well, Don.

I mean, in the past, you know, to go to gigs,

I've said my nan was in hospital,

but she's been dead since I was three.

No, four. No, actually, it was...
I was little anyway.

I don't believe I'm hearing this.

Look, Don, okay, it'll just be a few days,

and as long as he's back
for when we go away.

No. No, bollocks. He can't even put
the records out properly.

Look. I just got a bit confused, that's all.

I mean, I didn't know
there were so many bands

with the name "Monkey"
or "Gorilla" in the title.

I mean, you got, like, the "Blow" ones,
and you got the "Antarctic" lot,

you got the mob from the telly.

And it's the same with the turtles, Don.

I mean, there's so many of them as well.

Well, fucking... Listen to me, I'm sacking you.

Is it 'cause I'm Welsh?


I could do accents.

"'Ello, ladies and gent...

"'Ello, Sue, can I help you with that?

-"I can give you 50 pence off..."
- What was that?

Never do that again.

All right, sorry.

Look, my band is gonna get signed.

I just need a few more weeks, I swear.

DON: What band?

- The ones on the tape.
- Yeah, they're really good.

I don't give a fuck if they're any good!

Listen, mate, you're a shop boy.

Not even a very good one at that.
That's why I'm letting you go.

But please... Please, Don.
Just give him one more chance.

Nah, nah, nah. You've blown it.

I'm skint, Don. I'm behind on my rent.

We're all mods here.

Don't fucking say that.
Don't fucking say that you're a mod.

I'm a fucking mod, mate.
You're a ticket at best.


Can I get paid for yesterday?

MAN: Oi!

Oi! You pay first!

So what happened?

And I warn you, be truthful and be concise.

Because I'd like to take her
to the Zumba class,

which is something that
I'd much rather be doing

than talking to you three.

There was a riot.

A fucking amazing riot.

It was pretty amazing.

- Amazing, you say.
- Mmm-hmm.

So you signed them?

Just... Alan McGee didn't turn up,
so I thought...

But... So you thought, did you?

Did you think...
(BLEATING) Sheep-man?

The A&R man thought.

Did you phone your mother for that thought?

Or maybe you took your lead from this.

Oh, wait, look! They got there first.

If you don't sign this band, my friend,

you know what's gonna happen, don't you?

Scots Man will sign them.
And if he doesn't, Scots Lady.

And if Scots Lady doesn't sign them,
the Monkey man...

Northern Monkey will sign them,
whose name I can never...


I don't give a fuck what his name is!

So what you're gonna do is,

you're gonna sign them by this weekend.

And if you don't do that,
I will make you kill each other.

And whomever is left standing,

and I won't put any money on this prick,

I will kill personally myself.


Fuck me, man.

Look, I've got myself
in such a state, my darling,

that I can't tell them to leave.
Could you do it for me?

You're gonna need to leave now, okay?

- Have they gone?
- They've gone.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Great. Zumba, Zumba.

DIXIE: All right, Shrek?

It's not a donkey. It's a horse.

How's London?

It's all right. I've been managing a band.

They been on X Factor?

No, it's not that kind of band.

What kind is it then? I like Queen, see.

No, they're not like Queen. Any cabs here?

(CHUCKLES) It's not London, Dix.

No taxis around here, boy.

I'll take you.

How much?

I'll do it for a pound.

50 pence. You haven't got a saddle.

All right then, 75.

Hold him steady by there, then.

- One, two...
- Two, three...


Yeah, yeah. All right, all right.

Got it, old boy? Have you, yeah?

- DIXIE: All right. Go on, then.
- Have your bag, then?

Come on.

Right. Go on then, boy. Come on, then.

- Do you get much business, then, or what?
-It's all right.

Slowed down recently, mind, but...

How's that? Credit crunch and all that?

Well, it's affecting us all, innit?

Hey, how's it going?



DIXIE'S MAM: What are you like?


- How's it going, Mam?
- Welcome home.

Yeah, it's good to see you.
You okay? Okay? Coming in.

- Come on. Come on.
- Well, not the horse.

- Yeah, I know.
- Oh, well...

Cheers, Shrek. Do you want
to come in for a cup of tea?

Oh, no, it's all right. I haven't got time, Dix.

10:15 coming in now.

All right then, lad.
Well, good luck with it anyway.

All right. Cheers, Dix. Cheers, butt. Ta-ra.

Cheers, then. Ta-ra. Cheers, Dandy. Ta-ra.

Come on, then, boy. All right.

DIXIE: How are you, Dad?

I'm fine. Hey, you all right, boy?
How's the band doing?

Yeah, they're all right.
They're doing really well.

Ah, we're on the BBC this week.
Radio. And the... In the NME as well.

Are you earning money off 'em yet?

Yeah, yeah, I'm getting by, like.
Do you know what I mean?

- I see.
- Come in the kitchen a minute.

- Where's she going with him now?
- I don't know.

- You all right, Dad?
- I'm fine.

- Well, have a sit down, then.
- I'm all right by here.

How is it up there?

It's all right, Mam. Yeah, it's fine.

You managing?

Yeah, yeah. It's all cool.

Right, here's something
to help you outwith.

Well, no, I don't want... Listen, I'm fine...

Yeah, yeah, go on.

Don't tell your father.
You know what he's like.

All right. Cheers, Mam.

- DIXIE'S DAD: Dixie!
- Yeah?

Come on! Come to the club.

All right to go up the club?

Yeah, off you go with the boys. Go on.



Say again! Yeah. Dixie, I can't hear you.

'Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!
- Oi! Oi!

Stop it! I'm on the phone to Dixie!
I can't hear him! Yeah? About the band.


- I like you.
- Okay, look.

...magazine and six
record companies, yeah?

What did McGee say?

Just that there's been really serious interest.

Listen, when are the band gonna go?

Because I'm getting really fed up now.

And I'm gonna have to use
the wedding money...

No, no, no. Don't use that.

Listen, Shell, that's for
our special clay, lovely.

Look, I've got some money I can use,

and I'll be back tomorrow for
the BBC session, all right?

Okay. Last message. You've...

- A girl's been calling called Natasha.

- Hello? Hello?
- Dixie.

- Hello, Shell?
- Dixie?

Bollocks, I say.

Michelle, have you got any Vaseline?

No, no...

Dix. Come on, man.

TYRONE: Oi, Dix, come here.

- This is for you.
- Ty, no...

No, hush, now, right? I want to. Right?

But do me a favour. Don't tell your sister,

'cause you know what she's like.

All right, yeah.

- All right? Cheers, Dix.
- Yeah.

Hey, listen, boys,
this round's on me, okay? I insist.

- Hey, don't be so soft now.
- No. I don't mind getting them in.

Two whiskies for there, butt, please.

- Two bitters for there...
- I'll have bitter.

- And a bowl.
- Bowl.

Can I have ice in my whisky?

Well, it's what they do in London.

All right there, boys,
bit of fresh air. lnnit, too?

- Fine. I'll catch you later.
- See you. See you.

- See you, boys. All the best.
- Cheers. Thanks.

- I'll see you, Tyrone. Ta-ra, boys.
- Ta-ra.

DIXIE: Where we going then?

DIXIE'S DAD: Just fancy
a bit of a walk up here, isn't it?

- How are you feeling, Dad?

- I'm dying, son.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, come on.

For Christ's sake, it's the one thing
that's certain in life. Death.

No, I know. But it's just... It's hard, Dad.

Look. I want you to have something,
all right? Here you go.

Your watch. I don't want your watch.

Yes. My father gave it to me
when I started working.

His father gave it to him.

You know, I was 15 when I started working.

It's hard to believe now, innit?

Somebody still alive today

started work when they were just a kid.

Just a little boy. And underground too.

Little boy pretending to be strong.

Pretending not to be scared.

And the first day underground, went down

and the buggers switched off
the lamps and disappeared

and left me in the dark. Bastards.

I was shitting myself. I didn't show it, mind.

After a bit, they came out
of the dark, put the lamps on,

they said, "Aye, go on, he'll do.
He's one of us. He'll be a miner."


And you know,

I was never so proud until the day
I walked your mother down the aisle.

I don't know what
I'm gonna do without you, Dad.

- And I'm scared, like... And I'm scared, man.
- Oh.

You follow your dreams, boy!
You dream on, right?

- Are you all right, Dad? Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm fine! I'm fine.

Now, look, you promise me one thing!

Promise me you'll follow your dreams,
'cause if you don't,

I'll come back
and bastard haunt you, all right?

All right. I will, Dad. I promise you.

Right, well...

50 quid.

Don't tell your mother,
you know what she's like.

Come on. Get me off this bloody mountain.


DIXIE'S DAD: You coming or what?

DIXIE: Yeah.

DIXIE'S DAD: Yeah, look at that, butt.
DIXIE: Yeah.

DIXIE: It's what you call a sunset, innit?

IRISH PIERRE: Now, now, now, now.
Don't get me wrong, Teddy.

Now the Italian macchiato

is a fine wee drink in its own right,

but I much prefer the French noisette.

A much classier drink, man.

TEDDY: Hold up, mod alert.

Is that him?

Reckon it is, yeah.

- Aye aye, Dixie.
- Hello, valley boy.

Where are you off to in such a rush?

DIXIE: I'm just going home.

TEDDY: Yeah? Well, let's have
a little chat then about

-the three grand you owe our boss, huh?
- DIXIE: You what?

IRISH PIERRE: Three grand
knocking on four with interest...


Are you ready?

ALL: Yeah!

Tell me that you're fucking ready!

WOMAN'. I'm fucking ready.


I'll have to do the vocals 'cause knob-head
Jake's gone off with his posh bird.

Fucking off, wanker.

No one knew who he was anyway.

IRISH PIERRE: Hold on, big lad, we need
a wee deposit before you go.

Would you look at this?

Lovely little piece there.

No. Not my watch, boys.

Take it off, you little prick!

Most kind, most kind.

Teddy, noisette?

Café au lait.


TOMMY: I like your tits.


TOMMY: I wanna see both bits.

- What do you reckon? Is that all right?

Dixie! What you saying, brother?
How are you, man?

WOMAN: Dixie!


Come here, girls!
Honestly, this fucking bloke, he's on fire...


I want everybody out of my flat now.
Everybody get out the flat, now.

- DIXIE: Hang on.
- I'm not...

Dixie, I want everybody out the flat, now.

Fucking move! What is wrong
with you people? Are you deaf?

- Get out of the flat. Get out.

- Just give us two minutes, boys.
- All right, love.


- You all right?

No, I'm not all right, Dix.
We're being chucked out the flat.


- Look. I'll have a word...
- Do you understand that?

We're being chucked out the flat!

Calm down a bit, love.
I'll go upstairs and have a word.

What do you mean calm down?

Where are we gonna live? On the street?

I'll sort it out, okay?

You've seen what's happened on the phone.

Look, I've got five record companies...

Dixie, stop living in a dream world!

We're being chucked out of the flat, okay?

Thanks, love.
It's just a dream world now, is it?

Oh, sorry. Am I winding you up?

Yeah, a little bit, love, to be honest with you.

Because you know what?

When you go and take
a three grand loan out, yeah?

(SIGHING) You shouldn't
be going through my stuff!

Are you joking me, mate?

You shouldn't be going
through my stuff, Shell.

What's happened here?

DIXIE: Let's sort it out.
I'll sort it out, all right?

Just give me a few days.

Shell, look at me. Look at me. I...

I can't give you any more time, Dixie.

I cannot live like this.

What do you mean you can't
give me any more time?

Have you seen what you just walked into?

They'll be gone in the next day or two.

I've come all this way,
and I've come to support you!

And I believe in you!

But you're living in a dream world,
and I'm going to my mum's.

Oh, so you're leaving me as well, are you?

Shell, my father's dying! All right?

- He's dying!
- Dixie, you can't put that on me!

- He's dying, Shell. All right?
- That's not fair! That is not fair.

And you're gonna leave me now?


You're gonna leave me?

Dixie, what choice have I got?
I can't... No, you keep lying to me!

No, you can't leave me, Shell.

Look at me. Look at me.

I'm begging you, okay?

Don't leave me. Don't leave me, Shell. Please.

- I won't lie to you again.
- I can't... No, no.

- And you promise that, yeah?
- I promise you!

- Yeah?
- I promise you, love.

- All right. Fine. Yeah.
- I promise you.

Fucking hell...

And you tell me, Dixie, why the fuck
there's no money left in the tin?

Oh, fucking...

- You lied to me again!
- I'm sorry!


Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck!


Fuck off, man.


Oh, man. You cockney pussy.

TOMMY: Cheers, my dears.

Don't be smoking that.
Keep it together now for this.

For confidence, Dix.

Yeah, come on, you got to put it out.
You can't take that in there.

Jesus, Mac, you can't nick the BBC sign.

DIXIE: That's right.
Go and pull something now, yeah?

How you doing, Tommy?

Very well, man.

- JAKE: All right, Dix?
- Yeah, I guess. Good.

- Where's Shell?
- She's not very well.

- Sorry, man.
- I got something for you.

Tommy, come here. Got that for you.

Wait a minute.

It's a torch as well,
so if you lose it, you can find it.

- See?
- Clever that.

Cheers, man.

All right, son, I got you some blue pop.

Thank you very much, Dix. Cheers, man.

All right. You all right now?



- We're fine, man. Don't worry about it.
- Yeah.

Okay. So, listen, just enjoy it, okay?
Just enjoy it.

Tabby, not that mic.

Well, you do it.

- Fucking heck.
- I'm good with the wires.


So we're here at the legendary
BBC Maida Vale Studios,

and I can't believe
we're about to witness this.

We've bagged them for
their first ever live session.

It's the band everybody's talking about.

It's the Prems!



(SINGING) Do you like it?

Sycophantic pricks!

Do you like it?

You industry slags!

Do you like it?

JAKE: Parasitic twats?

Do you like it?

TOMMY: And you all got blanked!

Do you like it?


DIXIE: Oh! Oh!

Curly locks!


So you two are all right now then, yeah?

All right, boss, yeah.

Good, I'm glad.

Fuckin' nae danger, man.
It's all about the music.

And the birds.

Oh, and the money. Actually, Dix,

is there like any news
on any deals or anything?

Listen, my phone's been going mental.
I'll sort it out tomorrow.

What about proper money, mate?
We got any money?

I got 3 pound 50 to my name.
Do you want that?

Yes, I do, mate. Yeah.

TOMMY: Thank you very much.

Have a good night.

Listen, cheers for that, by the way.
It's fucking brilliant.

And cheers for today, Dixie.
You fucking big Welsh bastard.

- Love you lots, man.
- JAKE: Yeah, you big Taff.

TOMMY: Fucking love ya!

You out! You no pay, so you go!

Hang on though, I got stuff in there.

I don't care!
It's your stupid bastard Welsh fault!

I got nowhere else to go.

Your girlfriend has!

She come earlier,
she take her stuff and she go.

Shell's been back?

She come, she collect her things,
so she can go home!

She no want you. I don't blame her.

She leave you!

Hey! What you do? I call police!

Hey! Hey!

Forget police. I call Dimitri! He'll kill you.



NATASHA: Hi, Mr Dix!

Who's this?

It's Natasha from Jawbone Records.

All right, Tash.

I'm just calling to say the band were
fucking amazing the other night.

Oh, right. Yeah. Cheers.

Is everything all right?

No, not really. I've been kicked out my flat.

And I got nowhere else to go.
Do you know where Horsey is now?

No, I don't. But I know where he lives.


Whereabouts are you?

I'm just by Hoxton train station.

Oh, I'm just two minutes from there,

so I'll come and pick you up if you want.

That'd be brilliant.

Cool. Bye.

Fucking hell.

NATASHA: I've never seen Jez
so excited for any band before.

DIXIE: Who's Jez?

NATASHA: Oh, Jeremy Braines.
He's my boss at Jawbone Records.

DIXIE: Oh, yeah.

NATASHA: He fucking loves them.

DIXIE: I've been trying to get him for weeks,

but Horsey doesn't want to know.

Brian can be such a moody wanker.

Is this is where he lives, yeah?

No, I just thought
we could have a glass of vino.

Oh, no. I'm a bit tired, Tash, to be honest.

I just want to get there.

Too tired.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

-(CHUCKLING) Let's see what's under...
- You've got the wrong impression.

Dix, I don't bite. Just come and sit down.

No, no, no. I can't. I haven't got time.

Please. Come on.

Could you just tell me where he lives?

This is embarrassing.

- It's not embarrassing.
- Yes, it is embarrassing.

No, Tash, it's fine. Look at me.

Just tell me where he lives. Is that okay?


If you go straight on,
there's a street called Narrow Street.

Okay, thanks. I appreciate that, okay?


Mmm, give us your toe.



Oh, fuck's sake.

Take hold of that. I won't be...
I'll be back. I'll be back.


DIXIE: Horse, it's me.

Who's "me"?

It's me.

For the hard of thinking, I'll ask you
one more time, who's "me"?

It's Dixie.

Oh, fuck.

What are you doing here?

Shell left me.

I got nowhere else to go.
Can you just put me up for tonight?

I'm going back to Wales in the morning.

Yeah, no problem, Dix. Come on up.


Right. You lot, come on.
Fucking sling your hook!


You've really fucked it up this time,
haven't you, Dix?

Yeah, I lost it all, mate.

No, you still got the band though.

No. I don't care about the band.

It all seems so pointless
without Shell, you know.

(LAUGHING) Fuck me.

You really love that girl, don't you?

More than anything.

That Tash tried to get off with me tonight.

Wouldn't be the first time, mate.

Mind you, you were always good
with the ladies, weren't you?

Remember Dawn? Hayley?


Yeah, and Shell.

HORSEY: Fuck me, Dix!

You got a God Save The Queen A&M here.


That's Bowie. Space Oddity.
When did you get that?

Four or five years ago now.

Oh, my God. Can I play this?

Yeah. That's what they're there for.
Whack it on.


I love this track!


Come here, mate. Dancing.

Oh, life's good!




How do you know?

Know what?

How do you know about
the bands and stuff?

I don't know.
Michelle reckons I got golden ears.

(CHUCKLES) Golden ears?

Yeah. You got big fucking teeth,
I know that much.

Sell 'em to me.

What, the records?

Yeah, yeah. Sell 'em to me.

All right. Five grand, you can have 'em.


Five grand? Yeah. Yeah, they're worth
much more than that, Dix.

I don't care. You can have 'em.

I just wanna go home.

You can sleep on the kitchen floor.

There's some coats in the cupboard. Okay?

Have you got a change of clothes
for me for tomorrow?

Well, haven't you?

I just got a dirty T-shirt I brought.

Well, fucking wear it then. Fuck...

- Thanks for last night. Nice one.
- Right. Yeah.

If you do come back to Wales,
give us a shout, yeah?

I would rather eat my own arse with a spoon.



I'm looking forward to this bit, Hel.

Please welcome Jake, Tommy, Scott
and Macca from the Prems!


- How are you?
-How are you?

Very good.



IRISH PIERRE: I know you like
your Chas and Dave

but I'll tell you what,
that Lionel Bart, he was a genius.

TEDDY: Raving iron though, Irish Pierre.

Oh, yeah? West Ham?

West Ham.

Iron hoof. Poof.

Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.
This is the 21st century, mate.

You can't talk like that any more.

Anyway, you Cockneys love
a bit of that, don't ya?

Ronnie and Reggie Kray,
they were a bit light in the loafer.

Yeah. Don't you start having
a go at the Krays.

At least when I was about,
you could leave your doors open.

Your back doors?

Hey up. Here comes Lily of the Valley.

You got that four bags of sand, Dixie?

- What d'you mean?
- Four grand.

Oh, yeah.

The boss is gonna be very pleased with you.

It's all there. You can count it.

TEDDY: We trust you, son.

Go on, fuck off.

IRISH PIERRE: Actually, weren't you
one of Jack the Cap's boys?

TEDDY: Go on. Fuck Off.

MOTOWN: Dixie!

Oh, Jesus! You're not Dimitri, are you?

Do I look like Dimitri? Don't you run!

Someone wants to see you.

Oh, Jesus Christ.
There's no fucking end to this.

- Oh, it's you, Alan.
- ALAN: You look shite.

What's going on with you?

I'm in a mess, mate.
I've lost my flat, I've lost my records,

I've lost my money, I've lost my girl.

Look, stop worrying about the girl, Dixie.

It's like, the girl will come back.

But what you've got to do
is get yourself to Sorted Records.

These people want
to sign your fucking band.

The Prems are gonna be massive.

You're trending on Twitter.
I thought you'd fucking died.

What did Sorted say?

If you get your arse down
to that record company,

they will sign you.

You were supposed
to be there half an hour ago.

It's half past 12:00 now?
Jesus, I'm late then, aren't I?

Yeah, it's the first rule of rock and roll.

It won't go against you.
Now fucking get down there.

Thanks, Alan. I love you.
Can you lend me 20 quid?

Fuck off!


Dicko! As I live and breathe.

Oh, Mr Burns, nice to meet you. You okay?

Call me Burnsy, man.
Can I get you a drink or anything?

Yeah, can I have a nice cup of tea?

Anything stronger?

No, I'm all right.

Cup of tea.

Sassafras, chamomile, Earl Gay?

No, no. No biscuits. Just tea is good.



the sheep-shagger with you?

Yeah, he's stood right next to me.

Come on in then.

All right. Ciao, ciao.

Hello, Mrs Hardy. I'm Dixie.

I'm not Mrs Hardy, I'm just Francine.

And you don't mind me calling you
"the sheep-shagger," do you?

No, that's fine.
I've been called that all my life.

Right, good,
that's the niceties over with.

Okay, here's where I'm at, Dixie.

I know you've got other people
sniffing around you.

I don't want to know where.

The question is, do you want
to get into bed with me

and make beautiful music or not?

Can I ask you what you're offering?

I'm offering half a mill
up front for five albums.

Plus, I will break your band in every
known territory on Earth.

Hmm? How about that, big boy?

And what about publishing?

I'll give you half the publishing
straight away, Dixie.

Okay, it's very, very simple, Dixie. Yeah?

Do I make you wet?

Do Sorted Records tickle your fancy?

Do you get a wee tingling sensation
in your big hairy balls

at the thought of us
putting your music out, hmm?

Seven fifty. Four albums, not five.
And 60-40 publishing, to us.



You're not quite the wee dafty
you pretend to be, are you?

Dixie, you do realise that
if I agree to these terms,

this will be the best deal that
a newly signed band has ever had?

I do.

Okay, Burnsy.

- Yes, Francine.
- Get the contract changed.

He can take it with him when he leaves.

Will do, Francine.

They're up and signed already?

Oh, aye. It's been signed
in my menstrual blood.

Boys. Boys, you're not gonna believe
what's happened.

- No, listen to me. No, listen to me.
- Dix, man, hang on. Just hang on.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!

Just calm down.

- What?
- You need to speak to Tommy.

- Tommy.
- Where's Jake?

- Tommy!
- Dix.

- Tommy, what's going on, mate?
- Dix, it's over, mate.

What do you mean it's over?

Are you really this stupid?

He's not stupid. Don't call him stupid.

- Yes, he is. I should be managing you.
- He's not fucking stupid.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just somebody tell me what's going on here.

Well, we're together, aren't we?

Where's Jake?

Well, it all kind of kicked off after Soccer AM,

and he jumped out the limo at King's Cross.

Oh, boys! Man, I left you alone
for one night, that's all!

Yeah, well, a lot can happen
in one night, can't it? (CHUCKLES)

Where is he now?

Gone back to Scotland.


Right, now you three listen to me, all right?

TABBY: Who the fuck are you talking...

Shut up, you! Just shut up, all right?

Tommy. Tommy, look at me.

He loved you. And you.

The three of you, meet me tomorrow,
all right, in the pub, 5:00.

And leave her here.

Where are you off to?

I'm going to Scotland to get Jake.

Hiya, Mick. Hi, Carol.
This is a message for Shell.

Hi, Shell. It's me, it is, love.

Just giving a quick call to,
well, see how you are.

I just wanna say I'm sorry, again.
If you can give me a call back,

that'd be great. Love you loads.



Can you come to shore?
I need to talk to you.

If you wanted to talk, man,
you're just gonna have to come out.

Look, I'll be honest with you. I can't swim.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Do you have anything else?

Wanna chuck a bolt of lightning
at me, or something? I'm joking.

How are you, Jake?

Been better, mate.

Yeah, and me. I'm no Viking
on the water, let me tell you.

She's not worth it.

Don't. Don't hit me with those clichés.

I don't wanna hear it.

You don't wanna hear it 'cause it's the truth.

(SIGHS) I fucking loved her, man.

Yeah, I know.

Fucking Tommy as well, you know.
It's fucking demented.

- Jake, look at me.

Come back to London.
I've got something to tell you.

Something good. Something you'll like.

Tell me now.

I'm telling you all together, okay?

Look, I've got a ticket for you. And fags.

Meet me at the train station
in an hour, all right?

I'll try and paddle back
to shore without tipping in.


Oh, shit. Come on, son. Come on, Jake.

Oh, Jake! Jake, thank God!
Jesus, you boys cut it fine.

It's the first rule of rock and roll,
that, man. Got to be late.

Can't smoke on there.
Have you got your ticket?

Ah... You've got it.

Oh, come on, don't mess me about now.
It's no time for piss-taking.

- You didn't give me one.
- I gave it to you on the loch!

- Right, you have my ticket, okay?
- Thank you.

All right? And leave this to me, okay?

I'm good at this kind of thing, okay?
I'll sort it out. Come on.

-(GRUNTS) Jake.
- All right, man?

- Yeah, come here. Can you hear me?
- You all right?

Yeah. Get on the train...
Listen, and use my ticket.

I'll get down there, okay?
And Twitter it, tell the NME.

It's like when Jagger got broken on
a wheel like a butterfly. (GROANS)

Listen, I'll see you down there, yeah?

All right, yeah, I'll get there, don't worry.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Please, just calm down.

Give me a second, yeah?

Just get me up and I'll let you
do it properly, okay?



Carol, is that you?


Yeah, it is.

Oh, hey up, chuck.
How've have you been?

I'm not great. I miss Shell, to be honest.

She misses you, too.

Mum, I'm on the extension.

Oops. I'll leave you two to it.

So, why aren't you calling your girlfriend?



Natasha? Are you serious?
I'd never be unfaithful to you.

You've got 30 seconds, Dix.

All right, all right, listen,
I got arrested on the train.

Threatened to Mace me and everything.
Handcuffed me.

It was only for bloody fare-dodging.

Thing is, there's no trains from this place.

So, I got to get back to London
as soon as possible.

So could you come and get me?

For God's sake.

Well, I'm gonna have to speak
to my mum and dad.

Where are you now?

I'm in Scotland.

I just did what I thought was best
at the time, that's all.

And I fucked it up.

Yeah, you did.

Well, I've said I'm sorry.

What more can I do?

I want you to come back.

I want you to come back
more than anything.

I don't know.

I miss you.

Thank you, Mick. Thanks, Carol.

Can you just give me five minutes, love?

Please. That's all, five minutes.

I'll show them the deal
and I'll be back, okay? I promise.

All right, Tash. Where's Jake, boys?

You're right.
You are a rat. They're just like rats.


You've signed with Horsey, haven't you?

Sorry, Dix.


Well you look after them, Bri.

I will, Paul.



I do.


What did you come to tell us, Dix?

Listen, Dix.

We've not signed anything yet, so,

if you want to tell us something,
just say it, man.

You're gonna be massive, boys.

Good luck.


DIXIE: My name is Paul Dean.
But everybody calls me Dixie.

And I found the best new band in the world.

I love you.

I love you, too.

But you know what?

Me and Shell are going home.