Surf Nazis Must Die (1987) - full transcript

[peaceful music]

[tense music]

[Adolf] Once you've caught the wave,

it doesn't matter how you approach it,

as long as it's fast and effective.

But remember to always
lead with the blade.

Goofy-footers are an inferior breed.

Real surfers lead with
their left foot forward.

Now, where are the biggest
waves in the world found?

Waikiki?

Waimea Bay.



[Adolf] Correct.

Who rules the beaches?

[Kids] Surfers rule!

[Adolf] Who rules the surfers?

[Kids] Surf Nazis!

Surf Nazis!

[suspenseful music]

[sirens wailing]

[Charles] This is not a test.

Repeat, this is not a test.

This is an emergency.

Keep your radio tuned to this
frequency for further details.

This is not a test.

Repeat, this.



This is Charles Moran with the BBS News.

The situation here is catastrophic.

The earthquake that hit the
Greater Los Angeles area

just four days ago

measured an incredible
8.6 on the Richter scale.

It left upwards of 80,000
citizens known to be dead.

Countess homeless survivors

are being forced to
find shelter elsewhere.

Police are hopeless.

[Leroy] Don't look, Mama.

Did ya get the wax made

. Yep-

They are store pigs all over.

Get on.

Mengele was in there earlier.

Doin' what?

Copped a switchblade.

Mengele's an asshole, remember that.

[suspenseful music]

Adolf!

Adolf.

[tense music]

Eva.

I'm Nurse Withers,

welcome to the Stardust Retirement Home.

Ya must be Eleanor.

Mrs. Washington to you,
honey, and I ain't deaf.

Follow me, please.

[suspenseful music]

Come on!

Mengele, I haven't got all fuckin' day.

How many times have I told you?

You can't rush art.

[tense music]

Art fart, let's go.

It's kinda big, isn't it?

Yeah, but it'll make a real nice gash.

There, how's it feel?

[Charles] The most horrifying
side effect of the quake

has been meteoric rise
of gang-related crime.

A certain sick minority
is using the suffering

to further their own twisted purpose.

With the police force
stretched beyond its limits

keeping law and order in the city,

residents of the beach communities

are advised not to venture out on.

[suspenseful music]

Critical areas that divide, largely intact

are feeling the effects.

There is no protection,
there is no police help.

A wave of crime is sweeping
unchecked in the South Bay.

One word describes the state
of the beaches, anarchy.

This is Charles.

Mornin', Mr. Washington.

Let you in this gate, sir.

[Leroy] What's this I hear
about trouble down here.

Nazis, sir.

[Leroy] Nazis?

Surf Nazis.

[tense music]

Adolf, aw man, we had a great afternoon.

Look at this stuff.

A whole city block was in ruins,

just like one big shopping mall.

Aw, it's great.

Aw man, I feel so good.

I got some drill bits,
and we got some, um...

Any money?

No.

What do you mean, man,
this is money in the bank.

Why don't you have some of the Nazi Youth

have a garage sale or something, this is...

How are we supposed to live?

Man, I just, like, procure this stuff.

Like, I don't...

Cut down on your rations some.

You know, you need to lead
more Spartan life anyway.

You know, you're beautiful
when you're angry, Adolf.

Hey Brutus, surf's up!

[suspenseful music]

Yoo hoo!

Yoo hoo, Eleanor.

Eleanor, Eleanor?

Come in?

Hi, your son forgot to give you these,

but remember, there is no
gambling 'cause it isn't nice.

Five card stud, we gonna have some fun.

[Charles] We are still receiving reports

on how much damage has been...

[Woman In Shaw] Nice
to have a little sport.

[women chuckle]

[Charles] Stay tuned

to emergency programs...
Ooh!

Can we have a little fresh air?

Gotta put some life in you bitches.

[women laughing]

I had my bag stolen at the beach.

She only put it down
for a second and swoosh!

Probably one of those beachy gangs.

I'll go for a sawbuck.

[Charles] Large areas...

10 and raise ya 'IO.

Which beach?

Power Beach.

I am the Fuhrer of the New Beach.

[fire crackling]

It's well worth taking full control now.

I could go for that.

[Mengele] Yeah.

Shit, Christ!

Screw the meeting.

Let's just put hole in 'em, huh?

I mean,

why don't we cut the campfire girl shit?

Hook, get up on your feet.

Beaches are carrying a lot
more than umbrellas these days.

Do you leave your valuables at home?

There's anarchy out there.

Yeah.

Very big business.

We could make a real killing.

And we'll nail the
scum the way I say it.

Got it, Mengele?

Do it quick and we'll do it clean.

They won't know what hit them.

We'll save your open
spleen surgery for parties.

So, when's the call?

Tomorrow.

Eva and I have already
sent the invitations.

RSVP in blood for all
those who don't show.

[Eva laughing]

[Nazis laughing]

[suspenseful music]

Glad you could slime in, sewer pipe.

[Pipeliner] Where's
your faggot boyfriend?

He'll be along shortly.

[surfer grunts]

What's this all about, kraut?

Sand.

We're not getting the most out of it.

I now the coast in my bones,

and its potential has never been greater,

but we need to work together.

My way.

Nazi battleships will be
patrolling the whole coast soon.

Forget about individual colors.

Forget about gang territory.

We need to centralize power.

We need to pull together under
the sign of the swastika.

Adolf, no!

You couldn't handle the power!

Anymore heroes?

She hasn't been adjusted.

I mean, she's not adjusting well.

Well, just sedate her

like you sedate all the other guests.

It's not that easy.

Look, you know the system.

Valium in her coffee,
Percodan in her eggs.

She won't drink our coffee,
she won't touch our food.

She's not even happy with
the view from her window.

[saw whirring]

[tense music]
[drill whirring]

Art.

Try something quieter, drugs maybe.

Come here.

This is real beauty.

Looks perfectly normal.

[Mengele laughs]

Switchboard.

[Kids] Surf to live, live to surf!

Surf to live, live to surf!

Surf to live, live to surf!

[patrons chattering]
[heavy rock music]

Brothers.

Yeah.

♪ Let's see it all ♪

♪ I wanna follow yet ♪

♪ This kinda life ♪

10, 30.

♪ Time to go ♪

40, 50.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the candy man himself.

What will it be?

The usual, baby.

Oh, the usual?

♪ Hey baby ♪

Hey, when you gonna take me on a ride

on your hot rod, huh Wheels?

Soon.

Soon, huh?

♪ Leave it all behind ♪

♪ I really thought I went ♪

♪ But he was just a dirty bit ♪

Listen, bitch, you lay
one finger on my man again,

and I'll cut those pretty
little titties right off.

[Wheels] Thought you
was at home with the kids.

Huh, not bad, Wheels, not bad at all.

♪ Get crazy ♪

♪ Can't take it to the
whole world take it ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

Your old man at the
gay bar today? [Chuckles]

That's right, Wheels.

The old lady got the cash?

The shipment was short.

I'm real sorry to hear that.

- Listen bitch...
- Hey!

[Eva] Back off!

[woman groans]

Sit down.

♪ In your body aroma, the acts ♪

Spill, motherfucker!

[Wheels] We were delivered
a half a key short.

That ain't short, Wheels.

That's somebody else's white Christmas.

We ain't caterin' no parties.

It's the city heat, they're too greedy.

They show 'em how to diet.

I'll take what ya got.

♪ Get drunk, get busy ♪

♪ We can't take it to the ♪

More Franklins by Monday, got it?

Shithead.

♪ Get busy ♪

♪ Get some of that stuff ♪

♪ You never take it ♪

[Wheels] Adolf's got you well-trained.

[Wheels laughing]

That's right, I'm his personal bitch,

and you'd do well to consider

a more competent cunt for yourself.

What, no one wants to slam dance?

[Hook] Nice goin', Eva babe.

All they understand is force.

Freudian psychology, actually.

All little boys wanna be charminated.

Not all little boys, Mengele.

At least I don't have
your case of penis envy.

[Eva] Come on, vermin, let's go.

[tense music]

Samurai surfers.

Ding 'em up!

All right!

[Eva] No, no Adolf, no, not here!

[ominous electronic music]

[Eva panting]

Who the hell do you think you
are attempting my wave, huh?

[men grunting]

Ha, motherfucker!

Oh.

What seems to be the problem.

[Samurai] No problem.

Come.

- Ha ha!
- Hey,

thanks for the surfboards.

[Hook] I knew you weren't shit!

Come on, Samurai man!

[Mengele] Come back again

anytime you wanna get
your ass whipped, man!

Hey, thanks a lot!

[Mengele laughing]

You try to have some
mercy on these folks here.

[Eleanor chuckles]

Only the good Lord shows mercy, son.

[Leroy chuckles]

You too big to kiss your mama goodbye?

Goin' swimmin'?

Yeah, it was great yesterday.

[guests chattering]

[tense music]

Stop him!

He's 90'! My purse!

Let me take that from
you, little bastard.

Give it here.

Oh, thank god you were jogging by.

You are a wicked little boy.

[Kid] Share the gold, bitch.

[Adolf] Problem, folks?

It's none of your business.

My little friend here gets
a bit overeager at times.

It's the cause, you understand.

No, I don't understand it.

If the police were here, you
wouldn't even be on this...

But they're not.

Now, run along.

[sullen music]

Adolf.

Leroy.

Don't I know you?

Why should you?

I don't know.

You look kind of like a
white man I used to know.

Except you fell down the chimney.

Hey Leroy.

Your mama is callin' you, man!

[tense music]

[Coroner] ls this your son?

[Eleanor] Yes.

[Coroner] Can I get ya something?

No.

I just wanna be alone.

Why, Jesus?

Why?

He's all I had left in the world.

Please God,

tell me who did this.

That hook made quite a mess.

Of course it did, that's what hooks do.

You think there's room in this world

for a squeamish conqueror?

So fuckin' noble, Brutus.

Don't you ever say that again!

Listen!

It's a do-good beachy.

What are you guys fightin'
about anyway, huh?

Who the hell's gonna
miss one goddamn nigger.

Now's the time to look ahead, to plot,

and remember who our leader is.

[Mengele] So, what's our next move, Eva?

Shut the fuck up, Mengele.

[Mengele laughs]

[tense music]

[scraping]

Mengele!

Mengele!

I want to talk to you!

I said, I wanna talk to you!

[Mengele] All you ever wanna do is talk.

All you ever wanna do

is yakety, yakety, yakety, yakety, yak,

and you never wanna fuckin' listen, man!

[Adolf] That's not true!

[Mengele] It is true, it is!

This whole operation is
fallin' apart before you,

and then you can't even see it

for the pubic hair in your eyes.

[Adolf] Shut up!

[Mengele] No, where are
they, man, I'll prove it to ya!

You wear their fuckin' sign!

What, god, from where
you're pussy whipped!

[Adolf] You are created in me.

[Mengele] Goddamn straight I am!

Do you who Mengele was, man?

Do you know?

The fucking exterminating angel!

[metal clanging]

[Mengele screaming]

[scraping]

He's all I had left.

[Woman In Blue Sweater]
Such a horrible shock, dear.

Just like the quake.

Gregory.

Take that wetsuit off.

No way, Adolf is expecting me.

Adolf?

Good god, Gregory, is that what that

snotty Ricky Johnson calls himself now.

Mom.

And what are we gonna
learn today, Gregory?

Don't call me Gregory!

How to assassinate your parents?

You're not going back to them.

They're cool.

They're the gnarliest gang around, Mom.

Yeah, right.

And don't call me Mom!

What?

It's reverse psychology.

I asked Dr. Sniff all
about how to deal with you

and your nee-Nam crap.

You know what he said to me?

You know what he said?

He said you have suppressed
hatred for your father and me.

I don't hate you.

Oh, yes you do, Gregory.

Like, I just wanna live my life my way.

Okay, Smegg, I got a flash for you.

Go live your life!

See ya later.

Oh, can I borrow a couple bucks.

Oh, god.

And don't be late for dinner!

[mom sighs]

[Charles] Which has been inflicted

by the residual aftershocks of the quake.

[Adolf] Stinking walking Sly.

How goes it?

Adolf, how nice.

What can I do for you?

I need better prices, Sly.

[Charles] And the media were...

I can't give you better prices.

Try.

I can't, I'm flat on the floor.

I bring you a ton

of easily re-sellable
merchandise every day.

I know it's in demand, Sly.

[Charles] I urge the public...

I take it from the consumer.

[Charles] This is not the...

Just offload it faster.

[Charles] Time is in
traffic, even before...

It just doesn't work like that.

Then lower bottom end.

Why, I was an economics major.

Don't fuck with me.

[Charles] This is not
the end of the world.

We'll survive this disaster if
we work toward law and order.

What do you think, Sly.

Oh, it looks good.

Thank you.

Hey, that's only a buck.

That's solid gold, it's 100 bucks!

[Charles] Gang-related crime.

I'm tellin' ya, we're the
hottest gang on the beach.

Surfers rule the waves,
the Nazis rule the surfers.

You're still an asshole, Smegg.

Yeah, I like the Pipeliners.

Ugh, screw the Pipeliners.

They're history.

Nobody thinks the Nazis can rule.

Well, nah, nah, well,
you better believe it.

I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't, huh?

There was a nigger who
tried to stop the Nazi wave.

He ain't around no more.

Keep talkin' white trash!

[dramatic music]

Dog fucking bastards!

Fuckin' nerve.

The slicer, the switchboard, fuck!

It's your fault!

You dizzy bitch!

The beautiful birds are barbecued

because you can't stay in one place

for five fuckin' minutes.

Slime-sucking neanderthal!

How dare you question my loyalty?

Shut the fuck up, both of you!

Fuck!

Save that shit for them!

Tomorrow, we strike!

No one fucks with the Nazis!

[surfer groaning]
[dramatic music]

Larry, Larry!

Who did this to you?

Larry, Larry, who the
hell done this to ya?

Nazis!

[Mengele laughing]

Hey Jesus, where do
you think you're goin'?

I'm surfin', brother.

Nobody surfs here but the Nazis.

New orders from Adolf.

I don't know any Adolf.

Fuck.

[surfer screams]

Day at the beach, boys!

[men grunting]

There's no room for
Jesus on the New Beach,

and it's our final solution, brother.

[Eva laughing]

[tense music]

Good you could make it.

Are you kidding?

The situation is totally
fucking unacceptable.

I guess you heard they rumbled

Jake and Rabbit yesterday, huh?

More bad news, I guess.

They're moving in on Power Beach.

What?

Since when?

Since dawn.

That's ours, man, that
ain't Nazi territory.

Oh, that's real bright, Mex.

Except you're forgettin'
one important thing, man.

The quake, the quake changed all that.

Adolf plays by a whole new
set of rules, hardcore.

He plays dirty-

Naw, naw, I think it's time
that we stop playin' around.

[laughing]

And fuck somebody up.

We need a plan.

Trading it in for another one.

[Mengele] Aw man, that hook was you.

It's a piece of shit.

Well, then try this.

Oh, that's great.

[Mengele laughing]

Here.

Come here!

How's that'?

Could try it out.

Afternoon, help you, ma'am?

We got pipes here, we got tobacco here,

all kinda smokin' accessories.

We got everything you might want.

We got incense burners, we got clay pipes,

we got glass pipes, freshly
city blends, tobacco.

Anything you want ma'am.

What can I help you with?

I wanna buy a gun.

Yes, ma'am.

Got this here, ladies'
Saturday night special.

A ladies' gun?

It's small, ma'am.

It's easy to carry, perfect for a woman.

Well, that's real nice, dear,

but I'm more interested in something

that'll take the head
off a honky at 20 paces!

You mean business, don't you, ma'am?

I'll be right back.

Got this here Walther, P38.

That'll take more than
his head off, ma'am.

It'll take his whole upper body off.

I'll take it, how much?

Just 129.95.

I'll throw in a box of ammunition, ma'am.

I'll give ya any set of pipes you want.

I'll give you anything
want, ma'am, with that.

You look like a woman who
knows what she wants, ma'am.

I can get ya shotguns, I can get ya mace.

Hell, I can get ya grenades.

Grenades?

[tense music]

Yo Rats”

Seek, little Rats.

Hey man, we ain't the Rats no more.

[Mengele] Oh really?

Yeah.

Now, we're the Earth Surfers,
riders of the hard wave.

Pretty radical, huh?

You're still the ears
of the New Beach, I hope.

[Rat] Sure.

Good, any noise?

You'll need new t-shirts.

[Rat] Something's
gonna go down real soon.

[sullen music]

Goodnight, honey.

[door clicks]

[Smegg Voiceover] Dear Adolf,

there's some gnarly
trouble comin' your way.

I can't tell ya to your face

'cause I'm afraid you might
hurt me, but please be careful.

Smegg-

- Hold it, Smegg.

Where the hell you think you're goin'?

Huh?

Out to check the midnight swell.

Really?

Yeah.

Really?

What's this?

I thought we got rid
of all this Adolf crap.

Huh, huh?

Oh geez, Smegg, I've had it with you.

Come on, now get it, go on!

Jesus.

Do I have to put bars on this window?

[Smegg sighs]

[tense music]

Here.

Now's not the time.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Brutus.

There's never been a better time.

When do we proceed?

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

[men grunting]

[surfer screaming]

Shit!

Man, Hook came outta nowhere!

Thought we fuckin' had him, god!

Wait, we'll take him at the bunker.

Let's go.

[tense music]

Let's go tear up the Designer Waves.

[suspenseful music]

Time to die.

Hey!

[muffled speaking]

[men grunting]

[Surfer] Aw shit!

[Mengele grunting]

Fuckin' A, man!

Yeah!

[Nazis laughing]

[tense music]

Ow.

Shit.

Ow!

[Adolf groaning]

Ow, take it easy!

You know I can't fuckin' understand

why the Pipeliners were a no show.

I can, they always had the
smell of chicken shit on them.

I need a beer.

Yeah, get me one, would ya?

[Adolf] Come on!

Ow!

[Brutus screaming]

I'm sure the acid's
done its work, let's go.

Go!

[Mex] My pleasure.

[Pipeliner] Shit, Mex.

You're outnumbered now,
Nazi, two against one.

[Pipeliner gagging]

[Pipeliner screaming]

[Pipeliner screaming]

Sewer Pipe!

[Brutus groaning]

It's about fuckin' time, Adolf.

[Brutus] Adolf!

Oh, Adolf!

Adolf, I'm blind!

[Adolf] You're useless
to me now, Brutus.

[Brutus screams]

[wind howling]

What was your worst moment ever, Hook?

Probably about the
time between when the,

the shark got my hand

and I got the shark.

[Eva laughing]

Mengele?

Ah, they're all bad, man.

[sullen music]

We'll bury Brutus in the morning.

[shoes clicking]

[suspenseful music]

[Mengele] Jesus!

Go in there!

[Mengele groaning]

[Mengele groaning]

My neck, my neck!

[Adolf] Mengele!

[Mengele] Goddamn it.

[Mengele groaning]

[Adolf] Mengele.

Mengele.

[Eva] Adolf, the bike!

[Adolf sobbing]

Come on!

The bike!

It must be one of those bikers.

[engine stuttering]

Come on, hurry up!

[engine revving]

[Eleanor laughing]
[suspenseful music]

Shit.

[Nurse Withers yells]

[shoes clicking]

Eleanor, I demand that
you stop this at once.

You are upsetting the other guests,

and I will not, will not
stand for this any longer.

Do you understand me?

All right, you wanted a
showdown between us, old lady,

well, you got one.

[suspenseful music]

Everything I held dear in my life

has crumbled to pieces
in less than a month.

I've been pushed too far.

I got nothin' left but payback.

You mess with me and
you're dead meat, Withers!

[Eva] There's the bike!

[Adolf] I want that old bitch!

I said it and I meant it, I quit!

Punk Nazis!

You need some Valium, Nursey.

[tense music]

[engine rumbling]

[Adolf] Damn, dead end,
let's ditch the bike here.

Let's get the hell outta here!

[gun bangs]

[gun bangs]

I know it was you, Adolf!

I've been watchin'.

You can only push so much.

I can only take so much.

I'm your worst fuckin'
nightmare, ya hear me?

Think Adolf.

Why do you suppose

your little blonde boy quit comin' around?

Remember the boy, huh?

Remember the grenade?

Remember me?

Remember my son, Leroy?

Think hard, Adolf.

All that weird shit that's
been happenin' to you lately,

I'm the one who's been makin' it happen.

[metal bangs]

Come on.

Show yourself.

Come to Mama.

I got somethin' for ya.

That's right.

It's called payback!

Come on.

You hear me?

You hear me in there?

[gun banging]

Great waves.

Hey, dude!

Ooh, y'all look a mess.

Surf Nazis do this?

Yeah.

[Eleanor] Which way they go?

Fishin' ain't no good

and neither are the goddamn hot dogs.

What do you say we take
the boat out on the harbor,

try our luck out there?

Today's your lucky day, sucker. [Laughs]

You and me are goin'
trollin' for some surfers.

[engine rumbling]

[suspenseful music]

[Eva screaming]

Oh, hot damn!

There he is.

[tense music]

[man groaning]

[gun bangs]

[Adolf screams]

Gotcha!

[Eleanor laughs]

[suspenseful music]

Taste some of Mama's home cookin', Adolf!

[Adolf yelling]

[gun bangs]

[engine rumbling]

[eerie music]

[Eleanor laughing]

[tense music]