Superstar (1999) - full transcript

There are two different ways of getting into a swimming pool.

The first way,
you take your toe...

And you carefully test
the water's temperature.

And if that feels okay,
slowly get into the water,

letting your body
adjust to the cold.

Then there's the second way of getting into a pool.

Ah!
- You jump.

That's me,
Mary Katherine Gallagher.

It's nice to meet you.

Okay.
Now, they say that God works in mysterious ways.

And in my case,
very mysterious.



Anyway, this is my story,
and you should pay attention

'cause it's starting
right now.

Mmm.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Your birthmark
looks like shit.

So, you're okay?

Yeah.

Lifeguard!

Ah!

I grew up in a little town called Besamee Heights.

It's this really
friendly place

where everyone
likes to say, "Hi."

- Hi, there.
- Hi, neighbor.



I grew up in what people called the ugliest house,

with the ugliest lawn
and the ugliest dog.

My mom and dad died in this horrible accident when I was a baby,

so my grandmother
took care of me.

And my grandmother
was in an accident, too.

Actually, most of my family had gotten hurt at some point.

We're sort of
accident prone.

I'm off.

Now, my grandmother used to always say that when I grow up,

I should become
a businesswoman.

But I didn't really
think about business,

mostly because I couldn't stop thinking about the one thing

that I wanted more
than anything in the world.

A kiss. A big Hollywood
fireworks type of kiss.

So each night
before I went to bed,

I would pray
for God to help me.

And please, God, send me
someone to make out with

and tongue kiss like this.

Then one day while me
and my grandmother

were watching
some old movie, it hit me.

There was only one way
I'd ever get what I wanted.

I would have to become
exactly like those people

I saw getting kissed
in the movies.

I would have to become...

A superstar.

Ooh, ah.

This is St. Monica's.

It was the first place
I really thought

I had a chance of
making my dream come true.

Superstar!

Amen.

Shh.

Sorry.

So I tried out for every star-making activity that St.
Monica's offered.

Higher. Higher.
Like ballet.

Ooh! Oh.

And my gymnastics tryout
didn't go very well either.

Whoa!

Evian Graham,
the most beautiful, most popular,

most bulimic girl
at St. Monica's.

Summer, Autum,
I need your help.

Yes, Evian?
Yes, Evian?

We could either organize a walkathon to fight multiple sclerosis,

or a bike-athon
to fight polio.

What'll it be?

Hmm?

All the boys liked her,

I think because
she had a nice body.

Ah. What are you
looking at, boobsweat?

Nothing.

It's called a bra, Mary.

But don't worry.
You'll never need one.

Ah! Ow!

You hurt my titty.

I'm sorry.

You had a little spot
there on your brassiere,

and I was
just trying to...

Wipe it off.

I'm sorry.

I got this
after-school job

at Kip's Video Warehouse
as the rewind girl.

So that I could study as many superstars as possible.

I thought the more movies I watched,

the more they'd
rub off on me,

and people said
that they did.

Especially
movies like Carrie,

starring academy award
winner, Sissy Spacek.

What are you doing?

I'm using my telekinesis

to kill the girl who threw
pig's blood on me at the prom.

Okay.

Kip also had those made-for-television movies which I love.

Father, forgive me
for I have sinned.

It has been two days
since my last confession.

Go ahead.
Tell me your sins, my child.

Father, my sins
would best be expressed

in a monologue from
the made-for-TV movie Sybil,

starring the young
Miss Sally Field

as a woman with multiple personality disorder.

Go ahead.

Ah, look at you,

my pretty little girl,

sitting there with
her face all painted up

and a little halter top.

You're nothing
but a little slut.

Don't call me that.
I'm a Puerto Rican lady, senor.

We all know you're a slut,
Sybil Anne Dorsett.

We know you're
a little slut.

No, I'm not!
I'm not a slut!

I'm not a slut!
I'm not a slut!

I'm not a slut!
I'm not a slut! I ain't no slut!

Sorry. Sorry.

I'm not a slut.

No big deal.

The more I kept trying
to become a superstar,

the less they thought
I was one.

In fact, they had all
these other names for me.

Hey, lesbo.

Dogface.
Panty stain.

And they also called me...
- Skid mark.

Nipple hair.

Lame.
Loser.

Did I say lesbo?

Are you aware that I am rubber and you are glue,

and everything
that you say to me

bounces off of me
and sticks to you?

So put that in
your back pocket. Okay.

And then I saw the one
who I wanted to kiss.

Sam, what's up?
Hey, Greg.

Dig the sneaks.
Thanks.

Debbie,
shaved your legs.

Hey, Tom,
sorry your dad's dead.

It was him.

Sky Corrigan.

The best guy dancer
in the school.

* Don't stop it

I call this one
the pepper mill.

* Don't stop,
Don't stop it *

Enjoy.

* Don't, Don't, Don't,
Don't stop it *

Uh-oh. Is that the prettiest girl in all of St.
Monica's?

All signs
point to "yes."

I bet you put that cherry lip gloss on just for me.

Shut up.
You shut up.

No, you shut up.

Make me shut up.

Okay.

I like sugar.

Sugar is sweet.

I had a really good time on our date last night.
Did you?

I wore this kiwi lime
lip gloss just for you.

You like it? Huh?

You like kiwi?

Shut up.

You shut up.
'Cause you're sexy.

Shh. Shh.

I'm gonna spank you.
You wanna be spanked?

Huh? You want me
to spank your booty?

I'll spank it. I'll spank it.
I'll spank you.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Oh, God.

Oh, my body.

Sorry. Sorry.
I was...

I was just...

I was just doing my part to save the rain forest.

Sorry.

Mary,
you're a special girl,

so special that we're going to put you in special ed.

What are you doing
with your hands?

Sometimes
when I get nervous,

I stick my fingers
under my arms,

and I smell them
like that.

The universe,
how does it work?

The earth circles
around the sun.

Mary, welcome
to special ed.

My name
is Helen Lewengrub.

Is that all you got?

She was center for
the girls basketball team,

and she was a lean,
mean fighting machine.

Do you have
a best friend?

You wanna be
my best friend?

Maybe.
Okay.

I have to be really
honest with you.

Your intense energy is making me feel a little bit bombarded.

Sorry.

Really.

When I call your name,
just say, "Here." Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

Howard Feinstein? Hmm?

Yo! Present.

Howard thinks all the girls in school wanna sleep with him,

and the boys, too.

You wanna quit
looking at me, fruity.

I don't play butt darts, okay?

I love the ladies.

Owen Flanagan?

Here. Here.
Here. Here. Here.

Owen has obsessive
compulsive disorder.

He says everything
like five times.

Maria Ganitisis?
Here.

But, uh, the devil
speaks for me, obviously.

What?

Ah.

Thomas Smith?
Here.

But I don't, like, know where here is, man,
'cause I'm so wasted, man.

Thomas, stop pretending
that you're high on drugs.

It is a sin to even pretend

that you're, you're,
you're baked.

Whoo.

He's too scared
to actually take drugs.

Drugs are bad.

Eric Slater? Hmm?

Retard! Ha-ha-ha!

Would you please go back to your own class?

Please! Go!

Mr. Slater,
I presume.

Hmm?

How come
he's not answering?

Slater just transferred here from public school.

He's crazy.
They say he chopped up his parents.

And now
he never talks.

Let's try it again, hmm?
Eric Slater? Hmm?

Yes, well, moving on.

Hey, new friend.

Did you see that sign
they're putting up?

Catholic Teenager
magazine presents,

the "Let's fight venereal disease talent contest."

"Winner gets a free trip to Hollywood,

"and a chance
to be an extra...

"In a movie with
positive moral values."

Oh, god.

Miss Gallagher!

Miss Gallagher,
so how does it feel to be an extra

in a movie with
positive moral values?

It feels okay.

Miss Gallagher.

How does it feel to have everyone wanna kiss you

that particular way
you wanna be kissed?

Miss Gallagher,
how does it feel to be a superstar?

This was my chance.

If I could win
the talent contest,

Sky's lips would
definitely be mine.

Hey, everybody.
I dreamt of this new dance move last night.

I call this
the fax machine.

Oh!

I wish I could dance
with Sky Corrigan.

Sky's definitely
the swayziest,

but you know he's gonna
dance with Evian.

Yeah! Exactly!
You did it perfectly.

Oh. Oh.

What do you think Slater would do in the talent show?

Maybe he'll murder
some people

and make a flesh coat by sewing their skin hides together.

I'm sorry. I was rewinding
Silence of the Lambs

at the video store
yesterday.

* Isn't it romantic

* Merely to be young

* On such a night

* As this

* Isn't it romantic

* Merely to be young

* On such a night
as this

* Sweet

* Singing
in the moonlight *

Yeah!

Introductions are important.

When introducing oneself,
first make eye contact.

With a confident smile,
say, "Hi. I'm..."

Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Not bad. Try again.

Hi.
I'm Mary Katherine Gallagher.

And where
is your hand?

Right here.

In a new friend's hand,
that's where.

So, I was...

I was saying before that I was thinking of entering the talent contest.

The talent contest?

No, no! You have
to study business.

But, but...
No buts!

And forgive those
who trespass against us.

Please, God,
convince my grandmother to let me be in the talent show

so that I can get kissed,
maybe by Sky Corrigan.

Superstar!

The body of Christ.

The body of Christ.
Amen.

The body
of Christ.

Are these non-fat?

Hey, Mary.
Why so glum?

My grandmother won't let me audition for the talent show.

The only boy willing
to go near me is Howard.

Mmm.

Just, like,
audition anyway and don't tell her.

You really
think so?

Yeah.

That's it.

You're feeling sad,

so you know
what it's time for?

What?

Supermodel
Documentary Hour.

Shall I look
straight here?

I was just walking
down the street one day,

and a man come up to me
and he said,

"Would you like
to be a supermodel?"

And I said, "Oui."

And the next day, I'm in New York,
on the cover of Vogue.

Christy Turlington
and Naomi Campbell

are two of my
very best friends.

And when we get together,
it's just like,

total, total and
utter insanity.

Insanity!
Yes.

It's like... It's like,
three of the most gorgeous girls raising hell.

Problem, ladies?

Sorry, Father Ritley.
Sorry.

Sorry, everybody.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Whoa. Sorry.

You're cool?

You scared me.

Yeah, I'm okay.

Your boss sent me back here to find a movie.

Hey, don't you
go to my school?

Yes, I do.

Listen, I'm looking for a made-for-TV movie from the '70s

starring John Travolta,
The Boy in the Plastic Bubble?

That's my 19th favorite made-for-TV movie of all time.

That's my 19th also.

Wow.

Yeah.

"All around me.
Plastic."

"A bubble for me..."

"To be..."

"Germ-free. You..."

"And me."

"And me."

Sky!

Forget that
stupid old movie.

I'm getting Flubber
again.

Uh, okay, Evian.

Hey, nice meeting you.

Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Sky.
Sky!

Be kind. Rewind.

Okay.

That's funny.

Evian?

Mary, rewind this.

Oh, sure.

The Boy in the
Plastic Bubble. Hmm.

I used to watch
that movie all the time.

See you.
Bye.

Listen, I'll be back later to help you get inside, okay?

"Is he the one
you're going with?"

"Who says
I'm going with anybody?"

Tod, put your face
up against the plastic.

What for?

"I did what you wanted me to do.
Now, do it.

"Do it. Do it."

Mmm.

Hey, Mare.

What you,
what you doing?

Well, I was just
doing the robot.

It's something that I was thinking about
possibly doing for the talent show.

Oh.

Hi, Mary.

I like to do all I can
to help the challenged.

So, a word of advice...

I wouldn't say
"superstar" anymore

because some people might say that you super suck.

Go suck your boyfriend's ding-a-lings.

Go shave your mustache,
Helen.

Or should we
say Geraldo?

Got to go jog
for glaucoma. Bye.

Evian, you're
a super ass!

Evian does have
a super ass.

Oh, I know.

That's okay, well...

That's okay.

Hey, Mare.

You want half
of my Sloppy Joseph?

No, thanks.

It's time to feed
the retard!

Hey! Cut it out!

What, do you want to make
something out of this?

Maybe you want some of
my salad all over your face!

Yeah! Whoo!

Mmm.

Helen, have you ever
kissed a boy before?

Owen kissed me five times
on the cheek once.

Really?
Hey, Owen.

Hi. Hi.
Hi. Hi. Hi.

I don't mean
on the cheek.

Okay, who do you
want to kiss?

Todd, peanut butter
and jelly. Classic.

Vivica,
low-fat salad.

Sky Corrigan.

But, Mare, Sky's taken.

You should kiss Howard.

Ugh.

He likes you.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Mr. Feinstein, pope-a-licious.
I love it.

Hey, Mary.

I saw you outside
doing that robot thing.

You have some nice moves.

Thank you.

You have
some nice moves.

You have
some nice moves.

Nice moves.

Moves.

May I have... This dance?

* Everybody dance now

* Everybody dance now

Whoo!
* Everybody dance now

* Left to right

* Work me all night

* Come on, let's sweat

* Baby

* Let the music
take control

* Let the rhythm move you

* Sweat

* Sweat

Father, Son
and Holy Ghost!

* Let the rhythm move you

Yeah!

Fame!

* Everybody dance now

Mary.

What are you doing?

Sometimes I...

I get low blood sugar
and it...

It makes me feel
a little bit shaky.

Sorry. Sorry.

How is the, um, talent
competition coming?

Quite well.

I don't want to point
the finger of blame, but...

Who broke
the good toaster?

These are my breasts.

Oh, God,
they're so big.

I just need a big bra
to strap them back

and support them
because they're so huge.

They need to be hooked
and strapped in for support.

They're my big boobs.

This one is bigger
than this one.

'Cause this is the mommy,
and that's the baby.

And this one is very nice to this one and they hold hands.

'Cause
they're friends, okay?

And forgive those
who trespass against us.

Amen.

Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.

Good night, candle.

Good night, God.

Good night, Mary.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my me!

How are you?

It's going okay.

Are you the Lord?

Well, to you I am.

See, technically,
you're like in this REM sleep state,

and I'm a mixture of your mind's images of God,

some past
authority figures,

uh, Sky and your dad.

Basically, your subconscious came up with me

to help you deal,
dig?

Yeah.

Uh, you want a glass of water or something?

No, I'm good.
I'm God.

Oh, right.

Is this your stereo?
Yep.

CD player, huh?
Yep.

We don't have these.
Oh, you don't...

* Spirit in the sky,
in the... *

That song's about me.

Mary, I know
your soul is troubled.

And I'm here to guide you.

Okay.

My child,
during this time of great adversity,

I want you to do
one thing.

Get jiggy with it.

What?

You know.
Get jiggy with it.

* Na, na, na,
na, na, na

* Na-na-na-na
na-na-na-na *

Ow!

I'm... I'm very sorry,

but I... I don't know exactly
what the word "jiggy" means.

The point is, I work
in mysterious ways.

I mean, out there.

Listen to your heart.

Do whatever
it tells you,

and... And go
with the Godly flow.

Oh, and most important... Yeah?

When you wake up in the morning... Huh.

...audition.

* Na, na, na
na, na, na

* Na, na, na, na,
Na na, na, na, na *

Good afternoon, ladies.

You're all looking quite, uh,
lovely this afternoon.

What do you want?

She probably wants
to try out for the squad.

I was actually wondering if any of you would be kind enough

to show me the sign-up sheet for the auditions.

Oh, right.
She's a superstar.

As president of the catholic cheerleaders against VD Foundation,

I can't let you sign up
for the audition. Sorry.

But I want to sign up
for the auditions.

Mary, fighting VD
isn't a joke.

It's a very serious disease!

Besides, Sky and me
are going to win anyway.

Hey, guys,
I got a new cheer.

Evian?

* John the Baptist
lost his head... *

Evian!

I'm really sorry
that I pushed you.

It was an accident.

I just really want to sign up for the auditions.

Well, I'm really sorry
that I pushed you.

But I just can't let hymenly-challenged dogs sign up for the auditions.

Ooh!

Well, you know what?

You're
a very mean girl,

and you're going to go to hell for saying that.

You're a really
pushy girl,

and I might just
want to kick your ass.

Ooh!
Yeah?

Well, I just might
want to kick your ass!

Well, come on,
super sucks.

If I was Sissy Spacek
in the movie Carrie,

I would use my telekinesis to kill you!

You know what, Mary?

Not yet.

I'm sorry.

Mary, you know
why your parents died?

Because you're such
an embarrassment,

they couldn't bear
to live anymore.

You know what,
Evian?

You should really
be embarrassed

because your parents named you after bottled water.

Hey, is there,
is there a problem here?

My titties!

Yeah!

Hey.

Yeah!

Karate kick.

I rewound those
Jackie Chan movies.

Nevertheless.

Evian,
I'm disappointed in you.

At this school, any student,
including Mary,

is allowed to make a fool of herself at the auditions.

I'm suspending you
for the rest of the day.

But, Father Ritley,
I didn't... Evian.

Father Ritley,

the person you wanted to see is on her way.

Ah, well, send her in
when she gets here.

You are so dead.

Go drink
a bottle of yourself.

Mmm!

Evian, Mary,
stop that!

Mary! Stop it!

Ahh!

Evian,
you're dismissed.

I hate you.

"Go drink
a bottle of yourself?"

Miss Gallagher...

Miss Gallagher,
what's that horrible thing you said to Sister Eileen?

I told her to move
her big, white butt

or I would cold-cock
her honky ass.

To Sister Eileen?

Why would you say
such a thing?

The video store
where I work

got Spike Lee
movies.

Ah, yes, yes.
You're the, uh...

You're the rewind girl
at Kip's video.

Yes, I am.

Well, Mary,
let's pretend that your life's a movie, shall we?

We rewind it. It ends.

You're dead. How was it?

My feelings would best be expressed in a monologue

from the made-for-TV movie
Portrait of a Centerfold

starring Miss Lori Singer
from Footloose.

If you must.

It excites me, Daddy.

Don't you see?

I like it when the
men look at me.

You try to keep me trapped here in this small town

like a little animal.

But I am
busting out, Daddy!

I'm going to see the world,

and the world is
going to see me!

They're going to see
all of me, Daddy.

All of me!
Mary!

All of me!
Mary, stop that!

Look! Look at me!
Stop that!

What are you doing
with my grandchild?

Nothing!

We were...

Mrs. Gallagher,

I called you here today to discuss your granddaughter's problem.

Now, upon reflection,
I think a combination of prayer and Ritalin

could eliminate
her excess energy.

How dare you!

My Mary has no problem.

My granddaughter
is a star.

What?

Look at that face.

She looks like a young
Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh.

You may call her
hyperactive.

But if the good Lord
gave her excess energy,

then, by God, no one's
taking it from her.

If you don't
appreciate that,

maybe the problem
is not my granddaughter.

Maybe the problem
is this school.

I'm taking her home.

Mrs. Gallagher!

Good day to you, sir.
Mary!

Mrs. Gallagher,
listen to reason please.

I couldn't believe my grandmother told Father Ritley I was a star.

She'd never
said that before.

She'd also never
run over a priest before.

Sorry.

Evian, I can't believe
he suspended you.

It so wasn't your fault.

Thank you.
I know.

Mary started
the whole thing.

Thank you.
I know.

Hold on a second.

I've been through a trauma and I need a moment.

And now Father Ritley
is letting her audition.

That is the last time
I try to help someone.

She is so going
to regret this.

Oh, I got to
go, guys.

That's
probably Sky.

Bye, Evian.
Bye, Evian.

Hi, Sky.

Do you miss me as much
as I miss you so much?

Evian,

I saw what
you did to Mary today.

Not too ladylike.
I think we need to talk.

Is something wrong?

Look, I can't
talk right now.

But you just called me.

Look, I got to go.
I'll, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Meet me
at the gym. Bye.

Hmm.

...throughout
the New England area.

They've been
hit hard this winter,

but the South remains warm.

Grandma, why did you tell Father Ritley that I was a star?

I was just talking.

Because that's...
That's what I want to be.

I really want
to audition.

You want to be
a businesswoman.

That's what you want!

Don't you understand?

This is everything
I've ever wanted.

This is everything
I've ever hoped for.

I just want
my life to begin.

Dreams can come true,
you know?

And when Johnny comes back from the war,

we can start
a family

and begin our life
together on the farm.

And if the crop's are good this year... Mary!

Could I please, please, please,
please audition?

No.

Please?

No.

You're horrible!

You're horrible!

You're horrible!

You're horrible!

You're horrible!

Horrible!

Mary.

Leave me alone!

I didn't want
to do this.

But it's time I told you
how your parents died.

What does that have to do
with the talent contest?

Everything.

I thought you said that Mom and Dad were savagely ripped apart

and eaten by a school
of hammerhead sharks.

I just told you that
to make you feel better.

What I'm about
to tell you now is the truth,

so help me God.

17 years ago,

your parents entered
the Besamee Heights'

annual
step-dancing competition.

You mean, step-dancing
like in Riverdance?

That's nothing to what
your parents could do.

My mother taught it to me.
I taught it to your mum.

But so help me, Mary,

you will never step-dance

as long as I walk this...
Wheel around the earth.

The year you were born,

the step-dancing competition
was fierce.

A couple named O'Shea

looked like they'd be the first to beat your mum and dad.

But your mother was determined to keep her title,

no matter what it took.

It began well enough.

Your parents
ate up that stage.

Just when it looked as though your parents would be triumphant again,

the unthinkable happened.

Fat Teddy McGinty's belly
struck the record player,

accidentally
turning up the speed.

And the step-dancers began stepping quicker and quicker,
trying to keep up.

And that's when your mother fell.
- Whoa.

And she took your dad
down with her.

And before the dancers
could stop themselves,

they stomped
your parents to death.

Oh, Mary, I know
you want to perform,

but when you're
a businesswoman,

you'll be sitting
behind a desk all day, safe.

Rotate!

Oh, is that all you got?
Come on!

Sky and Evian
are breaking up.

Oh, my God!

Mare, Sky and Evian
are going to break up.

Sky's going to break up
with Evian!

Really?
Come on!

Here he comes.

Evian, it's Sky.

Hi, Sky.

What did you want to
talk to me about?

I think it would work
for me if we broke up.

Oh.

I... I don't understand.

This is such a shock.
What's wrong?

Now you're
giving me attitude.

Just tell me
what I did wrong.

Listen, we talked
about this last night

till I was blue
in the face.

We're just growing
in different directions.

I mean, you're this way
and I'm... I'm that way.

Oh. You're here.
I'm there.

And there's
no one right in here.

So it's over.

Just like that. It's over.

You're telling me
that it's over.

I guess so.

Hey, Bartholomew,
nice name.

Just breathe.

Poor Evian.

Lucky you.

Sky's a single slice
of beefcake now.

And he's on the rebound.

It's like so obvious that you two are going to hook up.

You really think so?

Remember, he said
you have nice moves.

Well, that means he was looking at your body,

which means
he thinks you're doable.

So basically,
he asked you to sleep with him.

Oh, my goodness.

This relationship
is moving too fast.

Go talk to him before
somebody else dates him.

Really?

Go. Go. Go.
I don't know.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Hey, Sky.
Hey, Mary.

Hey, what's up?
What's up?

Um, Sky, I know...

That you haven't been single for a long time

or anything like that,
but I was wondering...

If... If...

Oh, God! Oh!

Give me some sugar.

Oh, God,
you smell so good.

Oh, no!
Oh, God.

Sorry.

It's going to be okay.
It's going to be all right.

Now you have to
audition for the show.

'Cause that way Sky could see how talented you are,

and he will definitely
kiss you.

Really?
You think so?

Totally.
Wow.

Sky, promise me,

after you destroy the meteor that's headed towards earth,

you'll come back
and kiss me.

I promise, babe.

* All my bags are packed

* I'm ready to go

* I'm standing here
Hmm.

* Outside your door

* I hate to wake you up
to say good-bye *

Mary, I don't know
how to tell you this.

But I just
want you to know that

I'm really going...

Can you shut the hell up?

I'm trying to talk!

Hmm.

You got to go.
No.

You have to get off me.
No!

Mary,
please get off me.

No! No!

Get the hell off me!

No! I want to stay!

Get off me!
There's a meteor coming! No!

Get off me!
No!

Mary, did you rewind the tape?
The customer's waiting.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Now come on.
It's $2 Tuesday.

Evian!

Good to see you.

Out walking for
scoliosis again?

Oh, no, Mrs. Corrigan.

I just came by
to give Sky this.

Aw.
Is he home?

Yes, he's just...

Actually, can you
wait a moment?

No, definitely not.
No way.

I'm sorry.
Sky's not home.

Oh. Okay.

Then could you
tell him

if he wants to talk to...
Give me a call?

Don't want to talk.
Go away!

Okay, I'll tell him
if I see him.

Nice knowing you.

Oh, but wait.

I'm still going to see you around,
aren't I?

Oh. Now you're
giving me attitude?

I'm not giving you
attitude.

Just tell me
what I did wrong!

What are you going to do,
hit me, too?

Hey, Evian,
I made up a new dance move.

It's called the
"move on with your life."

Ha!

I did the fax machine
for you!

Mary Katherine
Gallagher must die.

No, I do like you.

But it's too soon.

You just broke up
with her. We can't.

Stop making me laugh.

Shh.

Oh, dear God,
please make this crazy kid go away.

Go away.
Go away. Go away.

Dear God, please make
this crazy kid go away.

What do you
want from me?

My journal.

Thanks.

A flower.

Thanks.

Mmm-hmm.

Thank you, Thomas,
for that tribute to Star Wars.

Very, uh, astounding.

Like I was there.

Well, we seem
to have a lot of...

I feel really good about our chances,
don't you, Sky?

Do you hear something, Dylan? No.

'Cause it sounds like
someone I used to go out with

acting like we're
still going out,

even though
we're definitely not.

Definitely not.

No. Game over.

* The devil went down
to Georgia

* He was looking
for a soul to steal

* He was in a bind
'cause he was way behind

* And he was willing
to make a deal

* When he came across
this young man

* Sawing on a fiddle
and playing it hot

* And the devil jumped up
on a hickory stump

* And said, "Boy,
let me tell you what"

* And the devil's in you and the devil's in me Uh, la, la, la.

* And the devil's
got a big hard... *

Maria!

Thank you, Maria.
Thank you.

Next up we have, um,
Mary Katherine...

Gallagher!
Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Okay, just stand there.
Here. Stand here.

Come. Stand there.
Stand there. That's good.

So, what are you going
to do for us, Mary?

I just want to say
that I'm multitalented,

but today I've chosen to express myself through song.

Okay.

* You

* You ask me
if I love you

* And I choke on my reply

* I'd rather
tell you honestly

* Than mislead you
with a lie

* And sometimes
when we touch

* The honesty's too much

* I have to close
my eyes

* And hide

* I wanna hold you
till I die

* Till we both
break down

* And cry

* I wanna hold you

* Till the fear in me

* Subsides

Mary, that was...
That was good.

Good.

Superstar!

Yeah!

Shut up!

You said you liked
the movie Carrie.

How do you like it now,
Mary?

Retard!
Shut up.

Bullshit!
Shut up!

Retard!

This is not funny.
Shut up, man!

Mare!
Mary!

Mary?

Mary Katherine, please!

Mary!

Slater,
would you talk to me?

Can you please just say something to me, please?

Your birthmark
looks like shit.

You're the little boy
that I saved at the pool?

Yeah.

So why does everyone
think you're crazy?

Because
I never talk.

So people make up stories.

And I'd rather that
they're scared of me than...

Make fun
of my stutter.

Yeah.

So what really happened
to your parents?

They were savagely
ripped apart

and eaten by a school
of hammerhead sharks.

That happens a lot.
Yeah.

Hey, Slater,

I know I haven't known you that long or anything, but...

Can I ask you
a question?

Yeah.

Do you think
I'm pretty?

Sometimes I just...

I just hate the way I am.

I just hate
the way I am.

I'm sorry
I almost drowned you.

That's all right.
I was probably drowning before you got there.

I'm a horrible swimmer.
Really?

That's funny.

Mary?

I think
you look great.

I think
you look beautiful.

Well, I'm going to go
wash off.

Do you want to
come with me?

Okay.

What are you doing?

Uh,
testing the water.

There's two ways that you can get into the water.

That way or...

This way!

Well.

It's late.

This is my house.

So, thanks.

Hey, Slater.

Did you really mean it
when you said that...

You thought
I looked beautiful?

Yeah.

Do you think that even
without the talent show,

Sky would still
want to kiss me?

I think Sky would have to be crazy not to want to kiss you.

Really?

Oh! Thanks.

I'll, uh,
see you later, Mary.

Oh, God.

Thank you so much
for making Slater my friend.

And please, God,
forgive me...

For not telling Slater that I went to the bathroom in the pool tonight.

* I had a dream

* A dream about you, baby

Hi, Grandma.

* It's gonna
come true, baby *

Sorry I'm late.

Stayed at school
to study business,

and I lost track
of time.

Father Ritley called.

He told me you tried out
for the talent show.

I'm sorry. I never
should have done that.

I promise I'll never
lie to you again, okay?

You made it.

Made what?

You passed the audition.

I did? I did!

Oh, my goodness!

Really?
I did?

But they want you to
lose the end with the paint.

Really?

Grandma, please let me do it.
Please let me do it.

Please let me do it.

I can't let you be
in any talent show, Mary.

But I can help you
to star in one.

You see that there?

I danced in that show
on Broadway.

And these dead stems

used to
step-ball-change

two shows a day
six days a week.

If you're going
on the stage, Mary,

I don't want you
stinking up the place

with some paint dance.

Oh, Grandma, you don't know
how much this means to me.

Because there's
this boy at school...

No boys.

If you're going to do this,

you're going to do it
for yourself, like I did.

Higher. Kick higher!

I can't. It's hard.

Razzle, dazzle!

I don't know
what that means.

Windmill, windmill!

Windmill, windmill.

Oh, Frances!

Sweet Frances,
please don't die.

Frances, Frances,
please don't die.

Frances, go back.
She needs you.

Go back!

You want to go fetch?
Go fetch.

Go fetch.
- Frances.

That way,
my dog friend. Go on.

Frances.

She's alive!
You're all right.

Super.

Now,

if we really want to knock them on their keisters,

we're going to need
a chorus line.

One, two...

What's his problem?

I, I got the D.T.s,
Mrs. Gallagher.

D. T.s are from being drunk,
not high, you fruit.

He's got his fake addictions confused, Mrs. Gallagher.

No, I just...

I'm just so high
I think I'm drunk.

We've got two days
to the big show.

So when I say kick,
you want to kick.

And when I say dip,
you dip.

And when I say tap,
you tap.

And when I say...

They get it, Grandma.
They get it. They get it.

I've got two more.

And when I say booga-booga,
you booga-booga.

What's "booga-booga"
mean?

I don't know,

but if I say it,
you better figure it out.

Whoa!

I slipped.

Everything's fine.

Slip-a-roo.

Ooh!

Yeah!

Superstar!

- Hi, there!
- Howdy, neighbor.

Un-deviled eggs!

Lady crucifingers!

There's my grandmother.
Oh, my god.

It's all
Mary Mag-delicious.

Look, there's
Maria's parents.

Oh. Good evening,

uh, everyone! Welcome to St.
Monica's Catholic High School.

So, are we all ready
to fight VD?

Love her.

I hope that you're
as excited as I am,

uh, to see who will win this free trip to Hollywood

with a chance
to appear as an extra

in a movie with
positive moral values.

Uh, but first,
let's not forget

we would not be here tonight
if it wasn't for VD.

VD Rules!

A puss-filled,
but blistering,

sinful malady...

That a few of you may already have come in contact with.

You must resist, children.
Resist the urge

that lingers in your loins.

But as the saying goes...

"Girls have a button
and boys have a pole,

"and wicked touching
takes its toll."

So you must be strong
and resist.

For those who are weak
will no doubt one day

burn and fester
in the swollen

VD infested
fiery pits of hell!

But let's have some fun and meet our judges.
Over here...

Hey, are you guys ready?

Mary, we're like really nervous.
Yeah.

What if they
make fun of us?

Okay. I just wanna say
one thing to all of you.

Don't listen to the names
that people call you.

If you believe in yourself,
then nobody can hurt you.

You are your own rainbow.

Wow.

That's really
insightful.

That's from The Initiation of Sarah starring Miss Shelley Winters.

Yeah?
Cool.

Yeah.

Okay, uh, from
Catholic Teen magazine,

we have their teen
gossip columnists,

George and Moira McDaniels.

Yeah.
Welcome and thanks for joining us.

Well, it's show time
here at St. Monica's.

So let's get things started
with our first contestant,

Howard Feinstein!

Ladies and gentlemen!

Tonight, I'm going for The Full Monty.
- What?

* Lookin' for some hot stuff
baby, this evenin'

* I need some hot stuff
baby, tonight

* I want some hot stuff
Enough! Come on!

* Baby, This Evening
Yeah.

Perhaps this would be an opportune time to thank Howard's father.

Hi, Mary.

The school therapist says I have to apologize,
so I'm sorry.

And, Helen,
I'm sorry I made fun of your very hairy lip.

I was going through a really difficult time,
but it's fine now

because Sky and I are together again,
dancing in the show.

And, um, what I'm
really trying to say is...

Good luck.

Mary, I'm like
really sorry

'cause I know how hard you worked to impress Sky tonight.

It's okay.

Tonight is for me,
not for Sky.

"Entering?"

Huh?

You're not gonna
miss the show, are you?

Roadside thing's
freaking you out, huh?

Who are you?

Mary Katherine Gallagher's
subconscious idea of God.

Okay.

Okay.

Now just
my take on this,

but you might want to reconsider this bike ride.

Why?

Because I'm working
in a mysterious way here.

Man!
You noticed how you tried to leave town,

but it didn't work out,
but you just kept on trying?

Right?

What say you take that positive attitude and apply it to...

I don't know.
Maybe you could help me.

Any thoughts?

Mary!

You think...
Mary likes me?

Why'd I make everyone so insecure?
Here's a clue...

The lord God,

is materializing
on a highway,

to guide you to her.

Now look,
that's the real road out of Besamee Heights.

The decision
is up to you.

Thank you, Helen.
Quite a feat of strength.

Thanks.
The amazing Sean!

My brother.

Next up, uh,
we have Sky Corrigan and Evian Graham.

I just want everyone
to know...

That even though Evian
and I are dancing together,

we're still broken up.
- Yeah!

Repeat... Broken up.

Thank you.

Huh!

You know
you want me back.

We're dancing together,
but we've grown apart.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Forgive me, father,
for I have sinned.

It has been two days
since my last confession.

What?

Mary Katherine,
aren't you supposed to be in the show tonight?

Father, you're not
supposed to say my name.

Oh. Yep. Okay.

Go ahead.
Okay.

I feel really bad because...

I've committed
a sin of selfishness.

All my life I've asked God
to make me a star, every day.

I'm always
thinking of myself.

And tonight, I just
want him to know that...

It's okay if he never
does that for me.

It's all right.

I promise I'll never ask
for anything again

if he just does this
one thing for me tonight.

And what is that,
my child?

Please just get me through tonight safely for my grandmother.

Watch over me so that
I can watch over her.

Mary, it's time
to go on stage. Go.

Use the gifts
God gave you.

Yeah!

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

All right. Um...

Our last contestant tonight...

Mary Katherine Gallagher.

* Sometimes I wonder

* Where I've been

* Who I am

* Do I fit in

You suck!

* Make-believing

* Is hard alone

* Out here

* On my own

* We're always provin'

* Who we are

* Always reachin'

* For that rising star

* To guide me far

* And shine me home

* Out here

* On my own

* When I'm down
and feelin' blue

* I close my eyes
so I can be with you

* Baby, be strong for me
baby, belong to me

* Help me through
* Help her through

* Help me through

Pop!

Bam! Pow!

Ah. Oh.

Wait.

Mary, it's too fast.

Just keep going.

Mary!

Get up, Mary!

Get up!
You can do it!

We don't know what to do.

It's okay.
It's okay.

What do we do?

Just follow me.

Follow Mary, you guys.

Yeah.

Whoo!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Are you ready? Good.

Good.

Well, I'm pleased to announce that the winner

of the Catholic Teen magazine's free trip to Hollywood

with a chance to appear
as an extra

in a movie with
positive moral values

is Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Ha-ha!

What?

Evian. Hey.

I just wanted
to say that I think

you did a really good job up there tonight.

You showed a lot of energy and enthusiasm, and I...

I really like your
choice of costume.

But I just feel really bad for you,
'cause I guess...

You didn't know that you were competing against a...

Superstar!

Yes!

Hey, Mary.

Hey.

You really do have
some nice moves.

Thanks.

So what did you
think of that?

It was okay.

It was bad.

So I let Sky go,

and I figured it was time
to let my dream go, too.

'Cause maybe that's all
it would ever be...

A dream.

Or maybe not.

You said to jump in.

I'm outta here.

What are you? Gay?
Five times more gay than you think.

Four more to go,
peaches.

And that's my story.

That's my
entire story.

I wanted you to know so that you would
understand why I can't see you anymore.

So... I guess
this is good-bye.

What are you saying?

You want a good-bye
what?

No, I can't.

I can't.
I'm seeing Slater now.

Oh, you're so bad.

Okay, just one
for the road.