Superhero Movie (2008) - full transcript

Who am I?

You sure you want to know?

Truth is, I'm a nobody.

Actually, I'm worse than a nobody.

I'm this guy.

Stop!
Stop the bus!

The story of my life is not
for the faint of heart.

Thanks.

But, like any story worth telling,

it's all about a girl.

Not that girl.



- Hey. Hi.
- I don't think that is a girl.

No, it's about this girl...

Jill Johnson.

Ever since I can remember
I've been in love with her,

but she barely knows I exist.

Yo, Rick!
Yo, come here, man!

I got you a seat down here. What's...

I'll call y'all back.
Everybody, bye.

- What's up, man?
- Hey, Trey.

Dude, I'm so psyched
for this class trip.

We about to see some real
serious cutting-edge shit.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yo, you got any C batteries on you?
AAs?

Got that new sandwich
from Sony in my backpack.



Wi-Fi... mmm!

Yo! You got to forget about her, dawg.

Look look.
Let me show you something.

She not even looking at you.

If I could just tell her how I feel.

Look, Rick, I already told you...

you never gonna get
with Jill, all right?

Seriously, she hangs out
with the popular crew,

and nobody messes around
outside their group, man.

Come on, that crew stuff isn't real.

The hell it ain't.
Look around, Rick.

- Look, you got your jocks...
- Get the ball, man.

...nerds, emos,

Frodos,

the Scarface society...

...the sexual predators.
- Yeah.

- Of course you got the Rick punchers.
- The who?

- Oh!
- Yeah, they new.

But you know what?
Who cares?

'Cause we got our own crew...
me and you.

Thanks, Trey.
You're the best, man.

- Am I in?
- No.

Come on.
Hey, it's me and you, baby.

The two of us against the world.
You hear me?

You look good today.
I like your hair.

I'm gonna show you
something nasty I downloaded.

Don't tell nobody.

Welcome to Amalgamated.

I'm Dr. Strom,
head of the research department...

- Come on, man.
- ... where we create the future today.

And now I'd like
to show you our crown jewel.

The Amalgamated animal genetics lab.

Go ahead, explore.

Yo yo. Come on, Rick.
Man, check this out.

All of our animals are
genetically engineered

and each of them has...

Oh, you're so pretty.

Hi, birdie.

Hi. Hi.

- She's beautiful, isn't she?
- Yes, she is.

Uh, I'm gonna take a picture of her

for the school newspaper.

Our only rules: Don't feed the animals

and please,
no flash photography.

Some of our genetically-
engineered animals

are a little sensitive to light.

It flew away.

Uh... whoo-hoo.

What the F, loser?

- Get him, Lance.
- Come on, Lance.

- Leave him alone.
- I don't think so.

Is there a problem, Lance?

No. No problem, Uncle Lou.

Mr. Landers!

Students, this is Lou Landers,

visionary scientist
and C.E.O. of Amalgamated.

Well, I'm just a businessman now.

The future of science

belongs to all of you.

Please, enjoy the tour.

Are you okay?

Yes, this is healthy-cough blood.

Rick Riker. You're not Blaine and Julia
Riker's son, are you?

- I am.
- Ah. Good people.

- How are they?
- They died violently nine years ago.

But otherwise okay?

Yes, thank you.
I live with my aunt and uncle now.

Well, you seem
like a real chip off the old block.

Let's hope you're not
violently murdered too.

That's for making me look stupid.

Next time I hurt you.

Yeah.
You the man, Lance.

Our work with these animals
has helped us develop

new antibiotics,
advanced pesticides

and a powerful new pheromone
which drives animals to mate

called compound H2O9.

It's a strong sexual attractant.

A single drop is enough
to arouse any animal.

We plan on using it to breed
endangered species.

A special and indeed
often overlooked...

Our most-promising research

is with these dragonflies.

For example,
this dragonfly's skin

has a hard,
armor-like exoskeleton

to defend against...

And this species of dragonfly

has enormous strength for its size.

It can lift vast amounts.

More than it's body weight.

And here we've injected the DNA
from all three species

into seven new genetically-enhanced

super dragonflies.

But there's only six in there.

Well, one missing dragonfly
is the least of my concerns.

I lost six tigers alone last month.

This area is where
we keep our livestock.

Aren't you going to do something?

Soon as I get this up on YouTube.

I see. Ye... well,
yes, I understand.

Thank you for the call.

That was the principal.

Rick walked off a class trip.

After all the parenting you've done,

he's still so troubled.

Why do you think that is, Albert?

I have no idea, Lucille.

I have taught him everything I know
about being a man.

And a good man you are

after all these years of marriage.

It's like we first met.

Sure, you're a little older.

Your hair's grey.

You have crow's feet.

It takes you an hour to pee.

Your thighs look like cottage cheese

someone threw up on a hot sidewalk.

And you've always had a tiny penis.

Well... what does it matter
when you're in love?

Oh, Rick.

We were wondering where you were.

It's so late.

About time you got home.
Your aunt was getting worried.

You can sleep late in the morning,

but don't forget to feed the fish.

Attaboy.

I don't know.

Something just doesn't seem
quite right with him today.

Teenagers. I'll talk to him.

Rough day, huh?
Well, I won't lie to you.

Puberty is a difficult time

in a young man's life.

Now this book may explain
what's happening.

Let's see.
There are mood swings, fluid retention,

and once a month you'll bleed
from your vagina.

This may be the wrong book.

What's important is that you're on
the verge of adulthood.

Here... take a drink.

Ah, the rituals of manhood.

Today you have your first beer,

and tomorrow we'll circumcise you.

I'm losing patience, Dr. Strom.

Please, sir, if you could just
wait a few minutes...

I've waited long enough
for this egomaniac.

Not as valuable as mine, Mr. Carlson.

You see, I have a terminal illness.

I've been fighting it for years,

but the disease has ravaged my organs.

As of this moment,
I have one hour left to live.

It was on sale.

Gentlemen, if you're ready,

allow me to show you the future.

What the hell is that?

An innovation...
thank you...

that will not only save my life

but the life of this company.

For too long we've scraped out profits
from pills and injections.

The real prize is the total cure.

A device that can alter DNA

and restore the body to perfect health.

- You're crazy.
- No.

Crazy is hearing voices,
talking to cats,

dating Paula Abdul.

I'm not crazy.
I'm a visionary!

Sir.
Sir, the machine's

never been fully tested.
If something should go wrong...

- Start the machine!
- Yes, sir.

Plasma level is steady.

Genetic modification's
at optimum levels!

Sir, the core is overheating.

We have to abort!

Did it work?

I'm so sorry.

Well, well, well.

I want you to know
what a joy it will be

running this company
without you in the way.

Let go.
Let me go.

Gentlemen, I think it's time we made
some personnel changes.

No, get away!

Oh. How long was I asleep?

Five days.

Wait.
Wha...

Oh, Dad.

I thought you'd live forever.

Breakfast, Rick!

I'll be right down!

If I can have your attention.

We are delighted to have as guest judge

the foremost scientist in the world.

He's a visiting professor
at Empire City University

where he's working
with the rare element cerillium.

I am so proud to welcome
Dr. Stephen Hawking.

Thank you for that warm welcome.

I have a disease that has paralyzed me.

I cannot walk and I use
this computer to speak.

But I am not depressed,
because I have the gift of knowledge.

That's a lie.
I think about suicide every day.

But you should all be happy
with your lives.

You can walk, talk,
wipe your own asses

and then there's all the sex.

I haven't had sex in years.

My nurse is a lesbian,
and not the hot kind.

Hey, anyone want to get high?

I've got some hash with me.

White guy in the dreads,

you know what I'm talking about.

Anyone? Anyone?

Pussies!

Watch where you're going
in slo-mo, dipshit.

- Pfft.
- Yeah.

Go to her, stupid.

Tell her how you feel.

Yow.

Uh... he did it.

- I'm gonna kill you.
- Get him, Lance!

- Lance, stop it.
- Kick his ass, Lance!

Fight fight fight!

Damn!

Get... get off me!

Ow ow.

Shit shit shit shit.

Stop! Stop! Hey!

Get out of the way!
No brakes!

Get out of the way!

Ma'am, look out!

- How did you...
- I can't believe it.

- You just saved that old lady's life.
- Amazing.

I... I guess.
If I hadn't pushed her out of the way,

she would've die... ah!

You should be really proud of yourself.

You're some kind of hero.

If you could excuse me.

There we go. Awfully nice of you
to help me out here, Trey.

Oh, no problem.
I'm waiting on Rick, anyway, so...

My God.

How did you do that?

Uh, it's easier than it looks.

No, I don't think so.

Why don't you tell me what's going on?

All right. Well,
there is something, okay?

But you have to keep it a secret.

I think I have...
superpowers.

I find that hard to believe.

All right, all right,
how about this?

Go ahead and throw
as many punches as you want.

I bet you 100 bucks you don't land one.

Easy money.

What else can you do?

I don't know.
I... I was bitten by a dragonfly.

Well, some dragonflies
have armored skin.

I wonder if my skin is...

Well, good thing that worked.

So you do have superpowers.

We could be a team!

We gonna get fame, money...

- Don't forget the bitches.
- There's not gonna be fame

and there's not gonna be bitches, okay?

I didn't ask for any of this.
I just wanna be like everybody else.

That isn't what
your parents wanted for you.

You're not my father.

But I love you like your father did.

I believe in you like your father did.

I had sex with your mother just
like your father did.

Huh. You'll never understand me.

Never.

That isn't what
your parents wanted for you.

What a great performance.

Well, Rick,
did you enjoy the opera?

Son, is something troubling you?

It's so unfair.
They have nothing.

I want to change things.

And you will.

One day, Rick, people will look
to you to be a hero.

When that day comes,
will you be ready?

Give me your wallet.

That too.

Blaine's voice:
People will look to you to be a hero.

When that day comes,
will you be ready?

Rick!

Rick, please!

- Dad!
- Oh, Rick, I'm dying.

- No!
- Don't worry.

My brother Albert will take you in.

Rick, the money,
it's all yours now.

Sell all shares of a small company
called Google.

It's worthless.
Invest heavily in Enron.

Rick, I have something for you.

Reach into my coat pocket.

The other coat pocket.

God!

That ring was my father's

and his father's before him.

Earn it, Rick.
Be a hero.

Claim your...

destiny.

Dad!

I'm no superhero.

I'm nobody!

- Are you okay?
- What, you heard that?

You're nothing but an ugly,
ungrateful little whore!

Just like your mother!

- Who was that?
- My mother.

Listen, about what happened
at school this morning, I...

You really freaked us out.

I'm really going through
a tough time right now.

Me too. My parents,
they want me to go to college,

but I want to be a dancer.

I believe in you.

You really do, don't you?

I wish I could say the same for Lance.

I don't know.
Is he the right one

or am I just dating him
to rebel against my father?

He doesn't want any boy near me.

That's why he installed
the electrified fence.

Well, we'll see.
You can't run from your destiny.

- Right?
- Right.

- Jill, let's go!
- Nice car.

Maybe one day you could take me
for a ride in your car.

Uh...

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

Oh. Lovebirds.

Rick, this is Professor Xavier.

Your powers are growing,
but you can't control it.

It's important that you...

become a hero...
train yourself to fly...

...in your ass because...

...squatting on a glass table...

...two girls...
one cup...

You know what to do.

- This shouldn't take long.
- Well, I'll be waiting right here.

I've reviewed your request
for a loan, Mr. Riker,

but with no job,
no credit history,

I'm afraid I have to say no.

But what about this?

That was last month.

This new promotion's
proving quite popular.

Look, I need to buy a car.

Frankly, Mr. Riker, you're the worst
applicant we've ever had.

Thanks for the loan, Mr. Thompson.

This is a good boy.
There must be something I could do.

Ma'am...

rubbing my crotch under the desk
won't change my mind.

I'm not rubbing your crotch.

I really need that car.

I don't see how that's my problem.

This is a robbery! Nobody move!

Everybody stay down!
Stay down!

- Get down.
- Come on, Lady! Hurry it up!

- Oh.
- Come on, move it!

Oh, hey, I made the same mistake
before when I came in.

Thanks.

You idiot! You let him get away
with our money!

I don't see how that's my problem.

Let me through.
Let me through.

Oh, thank God. I thought something
terrible had happened.

Well, an old guy did
get shot over there.

Uncle Albert! Just try to breathe.

I can't.
You're kneeling on my balls.

Oh, sorry.

Rick, listen.

With great power comes...

Great responsibility?

I was gonna stick with bitches,

but if you want to be a virgin
for the rest of your life...

Uncle Albert!

My balls!

Oh, God.
Mr. Landers!

Oh no.

Okay.

Hide the body. Yeah.

Get in!
Yah! Yah!

Okay, I come back.

Jill?

I came as soon as I heard.

- This is all my fault.
- Rick, it was an armed robbery.

There was nothing you could've done.

I could've stopped that guy
before he shot my uncle.

- Rick Riker?
- Yes?

Dr. Whitby.
What brought you here today?

- My uncle.
- Your uncle brought you?

- No, he's gravely injured.
- Well, then he shouldn't be driving.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to perform a breast exam.

Doctor, please.
Is my uncle gonna survive?

Well, I'm not a betting man,
but if you want to put some money on it,

- I'll take "dead in a week."
- Oh my God!

No, it's all right.
It's a normal emotional reaction,

but this should take
the edge off of it.

Here we go.
Nice and easy.

- That's your vein.
- Yes, I know.

First my parents and now this?

I'm nothing but a screw-up.

Yes, your life has been
a testament to that.

But your uncle believed
in you and so do I.

It's never too late to become the person
you're meant to be.

Rick.

Rick.

Hello, Rick.

Who are you and how
do you know my name?

- I'm a psychic.
- Prove it.

Think of any number
between one and a million

and I'll tell you what it is.

- Nine.
- Not out loud, dumbass!

Follow me...

My name is Professor Xavier,

and this is my school.

I started it to help people

with special talents like yours.

Our students here learn to harness
their incredible talents.

and use them to advance
the common good.

Here we have children
who can walk through walls.

We have children who think they can
walk through walls.

Some faces may be familiar,

like Wolverine.

Other mutants you probably
didn't know existed,

like Sneezo.

Most of our students
are born with their powers.

Some, like you,
gain them later in life.

- Oh, is that...
- Yes, it is.

When he came to this school,

he weighed 130 Ibs.

Take enough roids,
you could do anything.

Back up off those pills, Barry!

- Why have you brought me here?
- Because you have the potential

- to be the best.
- But I can't even fly.

Once you understand
the true nature of heroism,

you will fly.
But first I must teach you

the secret to becoming a superhero.

Hey, Storm! You look
like you putting on a little weight.

So, Professor,
about this secret...

- Well, you see...
- Xavier!

- Aw, shit.
- Well?

You wanna explain
why I found her hiding in your closet?

But, pumpkin,
I don't see nobody.

- Oh, you don't?
- Ow!

Invisible Girl?

Apparently not invisible enough.

If you knew how to
take care of your man,

maybe this wouldn't have happened.

- No, she didn't.
- Oh, this bitch is crazy.

I'm gonna have to whip your ass.

- You don't say no disrespectful...
- What are you gonna do, baldy?

I'm everywhere,
sweet cheeks.

- That all you got?
- Yeah!

Now what?
Now how about that, Invisi-bitch?

Yeah, whatever.
I'm out of here.

How could you do this
to me? To your kids?

To your newborn baby?

How do I know that baby's even mine?

Because he can do this.

Shit!

Aw, man.

Now I'm never gonna know the secret
to becoming a superhero.

You wanna know the secret?
Come close.

Make a costume,
shithead!

I swear to God. They get dumber
and dumber every year.

A costume.

Rick, you, uh...

Oh my God.

Damn!

Dude, you're like
a real superhero, man!

I love the mask.

How you breathe in it though?

What's that sound?

You put some kind
of air intake in the mask.

Boy, you better...
now I'm assuming

that the material is
see-through, right?

Yeah, dude, I'ma tell you something.
Rick, this is good.

I'm impressed.
Like really impressed.

Hey, that's my spot.

You're sitting on my gargoyle.
Move it.

- Excuse me?
- What are you even doing here?

I'm looking seriously out over the city

Well, that's what I do here.
So if you're not moving,

I guess we're gonna have to share.

Uh, okay, fine.

- Uh, I can't perch like this.
- God, me neither.

- What's your name?
- John Storm.

Dragonfly.
So what's your power?

What's my power?
Stand back.

- Flame on!
- Whoa!

Huh?

I'm on fire!

Get a blanket or something!
Holy shit!

It's not working!
Get the fire extinguisher!

Ah! No! Ah!

God! You idiot, stop!

What's wrong with you?

Sorry, my bad.

Rick, once you understand
the true nature of heroism,

you will fly.

Shit.

This Dragonfly,
he's not even a hero.

He's not... I have... I have...
I have just a... I have...

He can't...
he can't even fly.

The Dragonfly can't even fly!

I can fly, okay?

I can fly.

This just in:

Tom Cruise is dead.

Strom, do you have my test results?

I'm afraid you have to kill each day

to live each day.

unless you had some cerillium.

Take a look.

Hawking's lab is
in the physics building.

I could just walk right in.

You're going to steal cerillium?

No, not me.

But perhaps there's someone inside me.

Someone who will,
at any cost, survive!

Oh, glass in my eye.
Glass in my eye!

- Does it hurt?
- Uh, yeah, it hurts.

Well, if you could spread...
spread them with your fingers.

Push your lids with your fingers.

- Two... two... two fingers.
- Are your fingers clean?

That's it. And roll
your eyeball around.

- And push it.
- I'm rolling it!

Dig it out with another piece of glass.

Are you fricking insane?

I'll get the tweezers.

Read about the Dragonfly,
world's greatest hero.

- Right here?
- Right here, yup.

Read all about it.

No, you listen to me!

I want that story
on my desk or you're fired!

Who the hell are you?

I was wondering if you've
got a job opening for...

Job?! How dare you come in here
and ask me for a job?

I'm the editor in chief!
I know the mayor of Venus!

Hamburgers can see the future!

- Rosie O'Donnell...
- Sorry about this.

We share the building
with a mental hospital.

Bad news, boss. We're nowhere on
those Dragonfly photos.

Damn. Those were tomorrow's lead.

What about these?

Wow! it's almost like
you're the Dragonfly.

Uh, no no no.
See?

Look.

Now that's photography.

Just heard on the scanner, some kind
of police standoff at Empire University.

We'll need photos.
Kid, I want you to...

Where'd he go?

Come on, let's go!

This is the chief of police.
We have the building surrounded.

Come out with your hands up.

What the hell is that?

I am the Hourglass.

And your time is up.

It's useless to resist.

I'll fight you to my last breath.

Like the sands of time
I am unceasing and relentless.

Evil never triumphs,
Hourglass.

You'll pay for your crimes
and justice will be...

stop!
Stop!

Stop!

Are you okay?

No.

Titanium blades.

They cut through diamonds.

I'm not wearing any diamonds.

I wish I could stay longer,
Dragonfly.

But I just don't have the time.

Titanium blades. Looks like someone
found your weakness.

It's not my weakness.

I'm sorry, I forgot.
Your weakness is you can't fly.

Maybe if you had a partner.

I don't need help.

I'm fine all by myself.

She means a lot to you,
doesn't she?

What?
Oh, no.

I mean, she's with someone else.

Well, maybe that's for the best.

After all,
it could be dangerous,

you know, being the girlfriend
of the Dragonfly.

I don't know what to do, Aunt Lucille.

- I love her.
- So be it.

But remember,
to get to you

your enemies will attack
the people you care for the most.

Be careful not to hurt
the ones you love.

Whoever this Dragonfly is,
he's in over his head.

We don't need so-called superheroes.

What Empire City needs is more cops.

And a Hooters.

Jill!

Rick?

I heard you were auditioning
for a part so...

Oh, they're beautiful.

God, you are so supportive.

Why can't Lance be more like you?

There's something you're not
telling me, isn't there?

Something secret.

Something locked away deep inside.

Well, there is...

Lucille's voice:
Keep your identity a secret, Rick.

Dude, you're like a real superhero, man!

Once a month
you'll bleed from you vagina.

I...

nothing.

Nothing?

Well, I should go.

You're a good friend.

Hey, check this out.

Oh, shit.

- Let's go.
- Get her.

Oh God, it hurts.
It hurts.

Please stop!
I'm begging you!

Wait!

- Where are you?
- Behind you.

You saved my life.

Do I get to thank you?

Go.
Be a hero.

It looks like you're planning
a mass murder.

Would you like help?

I'm so happy that you
and your boyfriend

are spending Thanksgiving with us.

Of course, Lucille.

You need support at a time like this.

Yes, I miss seeing
my Albert each morning.

You know, 50 years of marriage

creates quite a bond.

I wish I knew love like that.

Oh, you will, dear.

You just have to follow your heart.

That's the thing.
I don't know if I can.

Oh, Jill.

If you can't trust yourself
who can you trust?

I know.

But what if my heart
is telling me to be with someone

I can't be with?

It's not just any guy.
It's the...

forget it.
You'll think I'm crazy.

No, of course not.

You can tell me anything.

I'm very good at keeping secrets.

You'll think it's ridiculous, but...

it's the Drag...

- I'll get it.
- Thank you.

Hey, babe.

Oh, I forgot to tell you
I kinda invited my uncle.

- Your uncle?
- What? Set another plate.

Well, okay.
I guess.

Miss Johnson. Please,
excuse my nephew's poor manners.

- Thank you.
- Mrs. Adams, I'm Lou Landers.

I hope this isn't
too much of an imposition.

Oh, of course not.
There's always room for one more.

Thank you.

It's just Thanksgiving is for family.

Lance is the only family I have.

- I never married.
- Fruitcake?

Nope, just never met the right woman.

Ah, yes, Lance told me
Rick Riker was your neighbor.

Where is Rick?

That's odd.

I thought he was out.
I'll go check on him.

Please, you're busy. Allow me.

Thank you.
Upstairs, second door to the right.

Rick?

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, Mr. Landers.

Rick.

No, you're just on time.

Everybody,
take your seat.

Not till we say grace.

Jesus!

Amen.

Please start, everyone.

This all looks so delicious, Lucille.

We have Rick to thank for it.

Ever since Albert...

Rick has been supporting me
with his new job.

New job?
You didn't tell me.

Oh well, I'm sort of the Dragonfly's
unofficial photographer.

What happened to your arm?

Uh...

a bike messenger knocked me down.

I see your wrist is bandaged.

Yes, I burned it on some hot coffee.

And you have a cut on your lip.

Uh...

my crackpipe broke.

You have a scratch on your neck.

Yes, I...

met a girl on Craigslist.

And you have a bruise on your neck.

I...

met a guy on Craigslist.

I'm sorry, Lance.
We have to go.

- Why?
- I...

shat my pants.

I'll drive.

- Thanks for helping clean up.
- Of course.

Poor thing's so tired.

Yeah, well, you know
old folks after a big meal.

So... you know the Dragonfly?

Uh...

yeah, I guess.

You could sorta say we're close.

Has he...
has he ever asked about me?

Um, yeah.

- Yeah, once.
- What did you tell him?

Well, I said...

I told him...

I told him, "The thing about Jill is...

when you look in her eyes
and she looks back in yours...

you know that you'd do anything

anything to be a better person
than you are.

So that...

if you were ever
lucky enough to be with her,

you could earn every second
of her perfect...

grace,
and her limitless beauty...

and her unending love.

- Don't cry.
- I'm not.

My eyes are burning.

Rick, I want you to know

that was the most beautiful thing

anyone's ever said to me.

- Scented candle?
- Thank you.

Rick, I'm so confused, and yet...

I know exactly what I want.

Sorry to drop in uninvited.

It's okay. We were hoping someone
would open a window.

It was getting stuffy in here.

So this is the lair of the Dragonfly.

- How did you...
- No no no,

I'm not here to fight you. I've got...

thousands of other
people I plan to kill.

This little visit is just to show you

who'll get hurt if you get in my way.

Never!

Time to go.

The woman, Lucille Adams
of East Empire City,

- was badly injured.
- How was she injured?

- Badly.
- What about the Dragonfly?

All I can tell you is this:

he didn't save anyone tonight.

Doctor, how is she?

I'm afraid your aunt's
taken a turn for the worse.

She can't speak, she can't walk,
she had no control over her bowels.

That's... that's awful.

I know. I went ahead and set up
a MySpace page for her

under "crazy shit machine."

She already has 40 friends.

Wait a minute.
That's somebody else's aunt.

Your aunt has no problem
with her bowels...

- Oh, thank God.
- ...because she's dead.

I'm truly sorry, Rick,
but there is a silver lining.

Your uncle came out
of his coma this morning.

He did?

Yes, but you mustn't tell him about
your aunt just yet.

He's in a delicate mental state.
The slightest bit of bad news

could send him spiraling
right back into a coma.

I understand.

Mr. Adams,
you have a visitor.

- Is it Lucille?
- No, sir, it's not your dead wife.

It's your nephew Rick.

Remember, no bad news.

Now, sir, here you go.
This is my bill.

- You did surgery on me?
- Yes, sir, we confused you

with one of our sex-change patients,

but don't worry,
we didn't remove your penis.

We did cut your
testicles off, but, well,

since your wife's dead,

you won't be needing them anyway.

You just want to keep his spirits up.

He'll land on his feet in no time.

We are gathered today to say goodbye

- to Lucille Adams.
- Goodbye!

And now the eulogy.

It's tragic to think
this is the last time

that I can look upon my wife's face.

God, Lucille!

How could you take her from me?
I can't live without her!

Lucille!
Snookie lumps!

I'm sorry, there's been
a terrible mistake.

This is your wife.

She is this man's wife.

Give me five minutes.

- Uncle Albert!
- I'm not finished.

You're one lucky guy.
Now...

where's Lucille?

Ah, Lucille!

I do have this coupon for a cremation.

Rick?

I am so sorry for your loss.

What is it?

I know I said some things,

but now more than ever,
I realize...

we can never be together.

I don't believe you.

You love me, Rick.
I know you do.

Jill, trust me.
I'm telling you this for your own good.

I don't love you.

You're no longer in my five.

How could you?

# When I was young #

# I never needed anyone #

# Makin' love was just for fun #

# Those days are gone #

# All by myself #

# Don't wanna be #

# All by myself #

# Anymore #

# All by myself #

# Don't wanna be #

# All by myself. #

You can't keep getting lucky, man.

You only beat me
by two strokes this time.

And the back nine is what killed.

Oh my God!

- Look at this place.
- Yo, what are you doing, man?

You gotta pull yourself together, dude.

What's the point?

Look at you...
eating junk food,

wearing fake beards,

and we found your costume
in the garbage outside.

Yeah, well, I'm not
the Dragonfly anymore.

But you said the Hourglass
was going to kill thousands of people.

I told you I'm no hero.
All right? Aunt Lucille's dead,

I've rejected the only girl
I've ever loved

and I can't even fly.

I wish I'd never been bitten
by that stupid dragonfly.

And maybe your father
shouldn't have given you this after all.

Look at the words
your ancestors inscribed in that ring.

"Honor, valor, sacrifice,

duty, commitment,
bravery, justice,

integrity, brotherhood,

self-esteem, low prices,
affordable housing,

loose-fitting pants,
cheap internet porn."

The rest is in Latin.

Rick, the hero's path is dangerous.

You may fail or you may fly.
All that matters

is that you do it
for the best of reasons.

Helping others, Rick,

that's what makes you a real hero.

Maybe you're right,

but even if I wanted to stop
the Hourglass,

I wouldn't know where to start.

I mean, where's he gonna
find thousands of people in one place?

Look.

Reporting here live from the
Empire City convention center

where thousands of people
are in one place,

but none of them more important

than the attendees
of the World Humanity Awards.

I'll drive.

Well, that shortcut
through the playground...

sure saved us some time.

You go ahead,

I'll find a place to park.

Mister, please stop!

Each year the World Humanity Awards

are held to honor
the greatest achievements

on behalf of all humanity.

This gala event is expected to draw

the world's most prestigious
leaders to Empire City.

- Excuse us, excuse us!
- "Empire City Times."

Damn! Look,
there go Prince Charles.

And Nelson Mandela.
Nelson!

Hey, I was in jail too, man.

One of the guests here
is the Hourglass.

But which one?

Thank you so much
for inviting us, Mr. Landers.

Well, when you're being
honored by the world,

you want your family with you.

Perhaps one day, you could
be part of our family too.

Ladies and gentlemen,
our first award

is for the medical
breakthrough of the year.

For his company's pioneering work

in the field of feminine hygiene

I award Lou Landers
douchebag of the year.

# Douchebag #

# He's the douchebag of the year #

# Now ain't he great, folks? #

# Ain't he grand?
The douchebag of the year. #

# Douchebag #

# He's Mr. Douchebag of the year #

# Look at him smile,
look at him shine #

# He's the douchebag of,
the douchebag of the year. #

Hold up the douchebag!
Hold up the douchebag, sir.

Stop right there, Landers.

Mr. Riker.
So...

you know.

You're damn right I do.

Someone in this auditorium
is the Hourglass.

I need your help
to figure out who it is.

Now the Hourglass could be anyone...

a guest of honor...

maybe even a stagehand.

This may be nothing,
but I did see a man

with what looked like a canister of

cerillium.

Who?

This year's lifetime
achievement award...

Him.

...goes to one of the world's
greatest souls,

His Holiness,
the Dalai Lama.

This man isn't who you think
he is, he's the Hourglass.

No no,
I'm a man of peace.

Shut up! You're plotting
to kill all these people

and I can prove it.
Show the world

the armor you're hiding
under these robes.

You can't fool me,
Hourglass.

You're packing 10 Ibs
of Cerillium under there.

What?

Take him down.

Tutu.

Peace!

Pea...

Shit shit shit shit shit.

You!

You're the Hourglass.

Hourglass!

- Hero con?
- It's a convention for people

who like to dress up
as their favorite heroes and villains.

- By the way, your costume sucks.
- Out of my way!

Hourglass, you'll never
get away with this!

Forget it, Dragonfly.
You're too late.

Run!

Yeah.

Goodbye...

little fly.

Dragonfly!

No!

My eye!

Dragonfly, you must stop the Hourglass.

I can't.

I can't fly.

If there is one lesson
my life can teach,

it is that the spirit
is stronger than the body.

The hero comes from within.

Those are Celine Dion lyrics.

Whatever.
It's still true.

You're right.

It's working.

Sorry.

Watch, Dragonfly,

as your city dies.

Where... am I?

You're with me,

your lover.

Dragonfly!

No.

- No.
- Only now do you understand.

Oh, come...

Aha!

I need you to yank this off.

Yeah.

There's not enough time.

Oh fuck.

- It's over.
- Dragonfly!

Jill!

Gotcha.

Rick?

You didn't think I'd let anything happen

to the girl I love, did you?

Well, we're still falling.

Damn it!
If only I could fly.

Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a hero.

You know, maybe I was meant
to have a normal job... an accountant,

a gym teacher.

- This is a really tall building.
- Rick!

I don't care what happens anymore.

If I die, I die happily in your arms.

You're my hero, Rick Riker,
and I love you.

Yes!
Oh, thank God!

We only have 50 stories left.

Hang on.

Thank you, Dragonfly.

Because of you, our city
is safe at last.

- You said it, Dr. Hawking.
- Shit!

It's a happy ending for us all.

Let's go get some dinner. I'm buying.

Who am I?
I'm Rick Riker.

I'm the Dragonfly.

And as long as there's
crime and injustice

I will forever be a superhero...

I am the Hourglass!

# Darkness has found you,
evil surrounds you #

# No one to save you,
we're almost out of time #

# What do you do when
nothing can be done? #

# Where do you go
with nowhere left to run? #

# Where is the one
who stands up and tells you #

# I'm here to save you?
We're almost out of time #

# Nobody knows just who
he's trying to be #

# Behind this mask, his wings
and suit of green #

# Just in time to reach up
for the sky #

# And fly away #

# Don't worry you're safe #

# In my arms,
'cause it takes your love #

# To lift me up,
it's safe to say #

# Jill and I were always meant to be #

# So I will show you why
I'm here to stay #

# Don't they know that
I'll protect you? #

# Don't they know
they'll have to get through #

# Me #

# Don't worry yourself... #

Hourglass: Your time is up!

# Watch out behind you #

# This is designed to #

# Quickly remind you #

# We're almost out of time #

# Somebody tell me what
he's trying to be #

# Behind his mask, his wings,
his suit of green #

# Just in time to reach up
for the sky #

# And fly away #

# Don't worry you're safe #

# In my arms,
'cause it takes your love #

# To lift me up,
it's safe to say #

# Jill and I were always meant to be #

# So I will show you why
I'm here to stay #

# Don't you worry,
I'm the one #

# Who let's them know
that I'll protect you #

# Don't they know they'll
have to get through me? #

# Don't worry you're safe... #

# In my arms so green #

# It's easy. #

#I need a hero #

#I need a hero #

# I'm calling out,
I want you here #

# This is my 911 #

# I'm sinking down into the fear #

# That I just can't outrun #

# To save myself all I can see #

# Is that I've got no choice #

# I cry for help and pray you'll be #

# The one who hears my voice #

# I need a hero #

# Someone to rescue me
when I'm in a mess #

# Whenever I'm falling,
someone to be my safety net #

# I need a hero watching over me #

# I need a hero in my time of need #

# To fix it when it's going wrong #

# To be big and strong,
you know that I need a hero #