Supercool (2021) - full transcript

Lifelong friends Neil and Gilbert's undeniable bond is tested to the limits when Neil makes a magical wish that comes true. With the assistance of Neil's charismatic neighbor, Jimmy, and Gilbert's wild ideas, Neil endures one epic night.

foodval.com - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
---
No.

Get your face up!

- Leave her alone, man.
- Chad.

Chad!

- Hmm.
- No!

Bingo!

No, no, not...

Would somebody help me,
please?

Help!

Help, help, help, please!

- Please!
- Dude took Summer.



Oh, that's a shame, man.

I mean she wasn't really
gonna fuck you anyway.

Wait!

We... we gotta do something!

- Do what? Man has a fucking gun!
- I can't sit...

That is a weapon,
he will kill us.

- Do you want to die, Neil?
- No, I don't want to die.

Do you want to die a virgin,
Neil? I don't.

I mean, I'm not saying
I'm a virgin, I'm just saying...

Okay, look,
I've got to do something.

But, like, Summer doesn't even
know you exist, man.

- Don't be a hero.
- No.

No, no.

Shit!



Rest in peace, Mr. Lincoln.

You're a kind man
and a damn good bus driver.

You just drive over
Mr. Lincoln?

Ah, there's a chance, yeah.

Alright, quick, grab me some
Coke and some Mentos.

What the fuck?

Where am I supposed to get
that from?

I don't know, just do it!

Shit!

Here.

Nice!

Shit!

Alright, grab the wheel,
grab the wheel!

Fuck, no! I'm not grabbing
the fucking wheel!

Yeah, you're gonna grab
the wheel.

I need to get closer
to the van.

Get me closer.

I'm going!

Out of the way!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck!

What the fuck, Neil!

Are you fucking crazy?

Fuck!

Fuck!

Shit!

Please be okay.

I just don't have time to look
for a new best friend right now.

You're a hero!

Yeah, that's my best mother
fuckin' friend!

Way to go, bro!

You're the man, Neil!

You saved me, Neil.

You know my name.

Of course, I do.

I've had my eye on you
for a while.

You give me butterflies.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Me?
- You.

Now kiss me...

...and...

...and simultaneously
finger me.

Your wish is my command.

Perfect!

Can you please fucking knock?

Jesus!

Relax needle dick.

I just need to borrow
your charger.

No, you're not gonna borrow it,
you're gonna fucking steal it.

Virgin!

Can you...
you just...

Mom,
can I please get my own bathroom?

It's like Neil's fucking
cum cave in there.

First day of
school, are we all excited?

Yeah, extremely.

Dad, can you please fix
the lock on the bathroom?

And Mom, Jaclyn keeps losing her
chargers and stealing mine.

I will get the door fixed today,
I hope.

Yeah.

Oh, Mom, I'm spending the night
at Madison's tonight.

Oh, yeah, can you rephrase that
as a question, please?

And we don't eat this
as a...

May I please sleep over
at Madison's?

You may.

Excuse me?

Breakfast is served.

Here we go, come on.

Wait.

Waffles again?

Oh, man, I've got cacao banana
and saffron blueberry.

I'm good, Dad.

- Dad, I'm good.
- Oh, they're tasty.

Dad, Daddy, I'm good, too.

- I don't want waffles again.
- No, no, no, nobody's good.

We're gonna sit down together

and eat your father's delicious
breakfast as a family.

Let's go.

I mean even if it's only
for five second,

that's what we're doing.
Understand?

- Okay, Mom.
- Yes.

- Alright, alright.
- Okay, good.

Yes.

- Here you go, dear.
- Thank you.

You know this is really nice...

I gotta go.

I really gotta go.

I'm sorry,
I'm gonna miss the bus.

Do you remember
where you put my bike?

- I stuck it in the garage...
- Thank you, Dad.

- Okay, thank you,
- Love you, Mom.

- Okay, love you guys!
- Love you, too.

I have five seconds.

Wait!

You can find me, come on.

Morning, Neil!

Still riding the bus, huh?

Yeah, keeping you employed,
Mr. Lincoln.

Looks good, can I have some?

Um, alright.

I guess.

Hey!

Thank you. Bye, sweetie.

Oh, my God.

It's gonna be amazing.

I know.

Remember it is your senior year,

so we are helping raise money
for the Shape-A-Wish Foundation.

Please speak to me if you would
like to make a contribution

or raise your hand
if you have any questions.

Love the enthusiasm.

Just a dying child.

I'd say one thing I'd wish for
is for high school

to finally be over.

Yeah, you should make
the wish at eleven-eleven,

save us all from this misery.

Ionic bonds
are the kind of bond,

the kind of chemical bond...

Why would I waste my time
doing that?

Why not?

I know this kid in, uh,
Cambodia.

He actually wished
for his village to have

clean drinking water.

It came true.

So if anyone makes a wish
at eleven-eleven,

it just comes true...

What the hell
are we all still doing here?

Well, maybe some of us
are here to learn, Neil.

Are you getting something
from this?

Covalent bonds,

you don't have to worry about
using your math skills.

There is a catch, though.

What?

The universe has to agree
with your wish.

Something that only lasts
for about twenty-four hours.

Everything resets the very next
night at eleven-eleven.

Complex acids are the ones you
want to stay away from.

Those are the ones that are
going to burn your face off.

Look it up, man.

Google don't lie.

Binary acid...

Sorry I'm late.

Thank you, Summer.

Back there, please.

Combined together,

they are dangerous and they
smell really bad.

So you guys are both invited
to my birthday party tomorrow.

- Awesome, you look nice.
- Thanks.

...on page 340,
we'll be looking at the evolution...

- 'Sup, guys.
- What's up?

Yo.

So did you hear your girl Summer
is having a party this weekend?

- Everyone's talking about it.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, Madison.

- Hi.
- How you doing?

I might have heard something
about that, yeah.

So are you gonna go?

Not invited... yet.

Yeah.

Why don't you just ask,

because I did
and I got a pineapple.

I'll think about it.

Neil,
she might actually like you.

But how would you know?

You've literally never talked
to her before

or made any contact whatsoever.

What's the worst you think
could happen?

That's actually
really good advice.

I'm gonna take your advice.

Maddy, would you like
to my girl for cuffing season?

You wish.

Yeah, she wants me.

Oh, my God.

You know I hate to agree with
Jaclyn, but she's right, man.

Just do it.

I'm serious,
just go over there and ask.

Let's just try it,
me and you.

We've got this.

No, I'm not gonna go over there
and ask her for anything.

Come on, man.

I'm... I'm dead serious.

Come on, come on, Neil.

Come on, come on, you've got to
take the risk.

No, dude,
what am I gonna say to her?

Neil, you're over thinking it.

Just breathe, just breathe.

I can't,
I have nothing to say.

I think I...

Uh, hey, Summer.

Yes.

Uh, my friend Neil would like
to ask you a question.

Okay.

Um, I...
I was just gonna say...

Oh, my...

So, Ava, do you want to be
my girl for cuffing season?

I don't want to see anyone
right now.

Yeah, I know,
but Gilbert's here.

Great, I said I don't want to
see anyone right now...

Too bad now,
I'm already here.

See ya later, guys.

Looking good, Mrs. Tobbler.

I don't feel like dancing.

That's right, good dance!

I can't do it, man.

I can't go back to school.

And left.

I need to go in like the witness
protection program or something

and get a new identify.

I can't...
I can't handle it.

You've got this.

Well look, as your real friend,

quite frankly, your only friend.

You're not my only friend.

Alright now.

Who's your other friend?

Uh, Brad.

- Brad from preschool?
- Yeah.

Yeah, cool, so as your only
friend I'm always gonna keep it

a hundred, man.

I'm not gonna act like today
wasn't actually rock bottom,

which it was.

I mean, I'm actually here
on suicide watch.

I don't want to see you
hang yourself with some

plastic bag from the ceiling fan
or some shit.

I've seen that shit
on YouTube.

That shit ain't pretty.

Appreciate it.

You're... you're really helping
me to feel better.

What's the one thing we learned
from eighteen "Rocky" movies?

Um, Rocky never threw up
on his dream girl?

No.

It's not about how hard you
get hit.

It's about how quick
you get back up.

And move, and move.

You are excellent!

This is too hard a hit to come
back from, man.

I'm never gonna get invited
to a party now.

No.

I'm not gonna get invited
anywhere near her ever again

most likely, like ever.

Ever's a long time. Not ever.

No, like for eternity,
like ever.

Come on, man, no.

No, like the afterlife
and thereafter.

- No.
- Yeah.

- No.
- Yeah.

Come on, team!

No!

That's what I'm saying, yeah.

It can't be that bad, man. No.

Yes, it's that bad.

- Yes.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No.

- Yes.
- Yeah, you're probably right.

You guys should ache.

It's bad.

Every time I see my neighbour,
he's in a different Porsche

with a different woman.

That is a lot of ass
for one man.

Damn.

I just can't compete
with guys like Chad and Matt.

We have different market
shares.

They... they get hot girls

and I get passwords
to Premium Pornhub.

What you need to do is you need
to stop being stingy

and pass us some Pornhub,
because I want to watch

Premium porn, too.

That's so surprising.

I just wish someone thought
I was cool.

Did you ever think your life
would be... would be different

if you were...

...Bill Gates'
or Steve Jobs' son,

like, someone that mattered
in the universe or...

or actually did cool shit.

Th... that's your problem.

It's not always
about the money, Neil.

Although,

if we're talking about it,

I would like to be
Elon Musk's son.

That's what I'm saying.

I'd even suck your dick if it
meant I could be his son.

Like that's my level of
commitment, man.

So you think
there is an actual scenario

where you sucking my dick
will lead to Elon Musk

being your father?

I don't know, man.

The universe works
in mysterious ways.

Never underestimate
the power of a good dick suck.

I think we both spent most
of our lives thinking about

the power of a good dick suck.

You mean like giving one?

'Cause that's not
what I'm talking about.

See it's not the same thing.

See I don't think
we're on the same page.

No, I don't think I would know
how to give one, honestly.

My dentist says
I gag too easily, anyway.

Can I be honest with you, man?

What's that?

Summer and I would be lucky to
suck your dick.

I mean it.

Thank you.

If it were up to me,
I would knight you,

and then suck your dick.

You know what?

I was thinking that we'd go to
this really nice

fast food restaurant.

- Good night.
- Good night.

You know how I like seafoods.

Today was kind of a rough day,

but hopefully
tomorrow will be better.

Neil, wake up!

Neil, you're gonna be late
for school!

Neil!

Yeah, you have something like
truffles and fish

Hmm.

- Uh, see ya kid.
- Have a great day!

Wait!

Wait!

Wait!

Wait!

Frienemies, who, when you're
down, ain't your friend

Dude, I barely slept last night.

I feel like a dumb ass moron
piece of shit loser

who should just off himself.

Cool story, bro.

Gilbert, where you going?

What the fuck?

Fuck!

Sweet baby Jesus!

Mm.

Okay.

- Hey, Neil.
- Hey, man.

Hey.

How are you?

Hello.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, man.

What's up, guys?

- Yo man.
- Hi.

Hello.

Gilbert,

you're never gonna
believe this,

'cause it's fucking crazy,

but I'm Neil.

Yeah, and I'm fucking
Chris Rock, man.

Now dude, I'm serious,
I'm Neil.

And I'm for real
I'm Biggie Smalls.

I'm not fuckin' around,
Gilbert.

I'm Neil.

Yeah, I'm fuckin' James Brown
back from the dead.

Get the fuck outta here, man.

I would like to knight you
and then suck your dick.

It will be my honour.

Go ahead, ask me any question
that only Neil would know

the answer to.

Yeah, but it wouldn't even
matter...

- 'cause you don't know shit.
- I do.

You're not gonna know
any of these fuckin' answers, man.

- I know everything about you.
- Alright, fine.

What's the all time
beat off record?

Eleven and a half times.

Lucky guess.

My first crush.

Sadly, it's my mom.

Yeah, it... it's wrong,

because it's Neil's mom.

That's my mom.

Neil's mom actually wants to
have a threesome

with me and Neil's dad.

Next fucking question.

If I were to make a rap group,
what would be the name of it?

The Beverly Gil Billies.

Name my solo artist.

G-String Fully Unloaded.

My favourite country
to travel to.

The Italian section of Pornhub.

Who did I lose my virginity to?

Neil can draw.

Okay.

He-he's basically like
Picachio or some shit.

Yeah, it's true, Picasso, so.

Whatever, whatever.

Draw me.

What do you mean, draw you?

Prove to me that you're Neil.

Draw me like Jack
and I'll be your Rose.

- What, like in Titanic?
- Yeah, like Titanic.

- You've never seen Titanic.
- It doesn't matter.

I've seen her titties.

That's all that matters.

Okay, so you want me to paint
your titties.

- Want me to draw your titties?
- If that's what it takes.

Gilbert!

Have you seen Neil today?

He didn't show up
at school.

Who the fuck are you,
petterass?

This is really fuckin' weird.

Um, don't be jealous.

You can be next
if you want to be.

- I am not jealous.
- You just gotta ask.

Get up.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- Leave me the fuck alone.

You're fuckin' letting
a complete stranger draw you.

What...

I mean it's like looking
in a mirror.

Beauty is definitely in the eye
of the beholder,

'cause that looks nothing
like you.

Why... why can't you just
appreciate good art?

Like what... what is your
problem?

Wait, wait,
we can compare the drawings.

Com... compare the drawings
with...

Yeah.

Do you think you're on CSI
or some shit?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

No, do you think that you look
like a drawing or some shit?

Um, I sure do.

Um...

We're not...
we're not looking in my iPad.

It's just a quick scan, alright?

- It's my brother's iPad.
- Final test, I promise.

You know I'm sensitive
about my work.

It's my brother's iPad, so I can
look at it if I want.

It's my iPad.

Why do you...-
Seriously, get...

Oh...

- You're not touching my iPad.
- Stranger Danger!

God!

Fuck!

Fine, quick scan only.

Yep.

- That is what I plan to do.
- Jesus!

Oh, wow, who is that?

"The water is so nice and hot."

- "So is my pussy."
- "So is my pussy."

Wow.

"Take this Game of thrones!"

"And after I want
game of bones."

The fuck?

"I'm coming for your
planet, hero!"

"I'm gonna own
your face dickhead."

"Hope your dickhead
owns my face, Neil."

Creative.

- "Be careful with my pussy."
- That's cute.

Doesn't that kind of look
like...

Fuck, it does.

Do you believe me?

Are we on the same page?

Can you help me out?

Alright, just making
an Insta profile for you, man.

We've got to keep striking
while the iron is hot.

What's your cool new name
for social purposes?

Don't say Neil.

What's wrong with Neil?

Well, it's nerdy.

You know, it doesn't really fit
with the image right now.

No, it does not.

Give me a name, I need a name.

- Greg.
- No.

- Vincent.
- No.

- Arnold.
- No.

- Hernandez.
- No.

- Fred.
- No.

- You're Ace.
- Ace.

No, Ace is terrible.

No, no it's not.

Like Ace Ventura,
Pet Detective.

The greatest film of all time.

What are you talking about?

Listen, I'll cover for you
with Mom and Dad

until we figure out whatever
the fuck is happening

to your body.

Well, my future girl, Ava,
has a gig at the Rusty Records

in an hour.

Yeah.

Stalker.

Well, Summer will probably be
there, too.

Really?

Mm, yeah come on,

we've got to get you
some new clothes,

because right now
you're a ten in two's clothing.

Who do you think you are,
Anna Wintour?

Who the fuck is that?

Yo, yo, this is your boy Gilbert
and I'm here to introduce

my new best friend,
Ace, the actor, the model,

the artist.

Yo, Ace tell
the people about it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Me... me and Gilbert,
we've been best friends since

forever and...

Yeah, so what did you even
wish for?

Second chance with Summer.

Second chance?

Well, what kind of soft basic
shit is that?

You guys could help yourself to
some gum or water or Binaca.

Are you famous, by the way?

No, man. No, I'm not.

Yeah, yeah,
I'm not talking to you, pal.

You have the face of someone
who's not famous.

I'm talking to your
hot friend over there,

that white, steamy cream puff
next to you.

No, me? No, no.

No, I'm not famous.

Well, you could be.

I'm not gay, but my girlfriend
and I are looking

for a third, so.

Face like that...

...booty!

What so, I... I don't have
that look, bro?

Yeah, you have a face,
but it's like a,

like a moon pie.

- Now he's calling you slow.
- Is he paid to be disrespectful?

Are you two being helped?

Uh, no, no, we're just... we're
just browsing for right now

looking for some cool tees,
maybe some ripped jeans.

Nice, nice.

Need help being styled?

Uh, yeah, yeah, that'd great.

I'm... I'm super new to all this.

Yeah? What did you just start
modeling or something?

- Uh, yeah.
- Oh.

Yeah, but we're, uh, trying to
change this into acting 'cause

our fan base is so up our ass
about it, you know.

Yeah, no, I bet.

Um...

I would be, too.

Who you with?

Uh, well, I basically just got
offered a hand job from a guy

who sells ball trimmers outside.
I wouldn't say I'm "with" him.

Like, I mean, he's cool
or whatever,

but I don't really know him like
that for him to be, you know,

jerking me off.

Yeah, you're funny, man.

What is this guy,
like your agent or something?

Uh, no.

Uh, he actually, no, yeah, yeah,
he's my manger.

Um, we're shopping for an agency
right now.

You know, doing the whole
Hollywood water bottle meet

and greet thing.

Right.

Yeah, you know,
it's such a small community.

Yeah, no, no, I know, I know.

I'm part of the community also.

I mean, look at me, you know.

But, uh, hey, you guys know who
Victoria V is, though, right?

Yeah, but I mean we basically
share a Pilates instructor, man.

Yeah, I love Victoria.

She's a great gal.

Oh, then you probably already
know about her very exclusive

party she's having at her place.

Hot models, and, uh, look I hate
to sound crass, but it's a fact,

a lot of wild, dirty sex
happening.

The password to get in,
Fuckingham Palace.

Sold.

Sweet! You on Insta?

I'll tag you on the invite,
put you on the guest list,

otherwise, like, a thousand
bucks per person to get in.

Yeah, we're... we're actually
about to go see

my girl real quick, but, uh,
if anything, just invite me.

Send me the invite, too.

You know, we'll...
we'll meet up with you,

we'll have some fun.

- You know what I'm saying?
- You can be his plus one, yeah.

Plus...? Yeah, no, that's cool.
Yeah.

Ava, you were amazing.

You killed it.

- Thank you.
- Beautiful.

Yeah, for real.

What she said, man.

I'm gonna need some lessons
from you one day.

Alright babe,
I'll see you...

Fantastic, babe.

- Seriously.
- Thank you!

- Good job.
- Thanks.

- Oh, you did so good!
- Thank you, babe!

Hey, great job.

Some of the most beautiful music
I've ever heard.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, aren't you
friends with pukey?

Oh, you mean Neil?

I don't know his name.

Yeah, no one, no one knows that
was his name.

Yeah, right?

Guy was a loser.

Good night,
thanks.

What's up?
I'm, uh, I'm Chad.

Uh, hi. Oh!

I'm... Ace.

Like Ace Ventura.

Oh, yeah. I love that band.

Are you guys, uh, are you
friends with this guy?

We're best friend, actually,
so you can ease up.

- Wait, excuse me?
- What?

- What did you say?
- What did you hear?

Alright.

- You ready?
- No.

- You ready?
- No.

- Good luck.
- Good luck.

I'm... A... ss...

Ass?

Did your parents hate you
or something?

No.

Um, sorry, sorry.

I don't know what just happened
to my brain.

- Um.
- Um.

My name's Ace.

Ace.

Like the movie.

Yeah, like the movie.

Well, I'm Summer,
like the season.

Hi.

- Nice to meet you.
- Good to meet you, Summer.

You know, Ava, I always thought
you were cute, by the way.

Really? Why is that?

Well, are you a good kisser,

because that would definitely
make you cute in my book.

Are you guys doing anything
after the show or this...

this weekend, or?

Well, um, it's actually
my birthday.

My parents are out of town,
so I'm throwing myself a party.

- You?
- Happy birthday!

Oh, thanks.

Um, I'm not,
I'm not doing anything.

Really?

Nothing in particular, no.

Hmm.

So I was thinking about my
favourite sexual positions today.

That's too much.

Sounds like time well spent.

Well, you know, it's all
situational for me really.

I mean, do I have all the time
in the world

or am I trying to get it
after a bad date?

Okay.

If it's a bad date,
why are you trying to get it in?

Uh, 'cause my dick never
has a bad date.

Well, it was nice to meet you.

Yeah, um, Summer, um, do you by
any chance have an extra invite

to your party this weekend?

An invite?

Yeah.

Um, you... you seem cool
and it would be great

to stop by, right?

Yeah, maybe. Unfortunately,
we are at max capacity

for the party.

I could put you
on a waiting list.

Yeah, yeah, o... okay.
Um, yeah, it's...

I'm fucking with you.

I'm sorry.

I have one left.

Uh, I hope to see you
at my party, Ass.

I'm a nice ass.

- I got it!
- You got it.

- I got it!
- Who got it?

- I got it!
- And I got it.

- I got it!
- We got it.

- Who got it?
- We got it.

- We got it.
- Uh-huh!

- Oh, I got the invitation.
- Yeah, that's right.

Huh!

- We got the invitation.
- Invitation!

Nice work my dude.

What's your long-term plan?

Well, that's the Uber guy
right that.

Wait, what do you mean
long-term plan?

Yes, I'm not saying I still have
a lot to learn,

but can I let you in
on a little secret?

No, because you're just gonna
tell me anyway.

Go ahead and tell me.

Hey there, handsome.

Look, Neil, girls want to fuck
just as badly as we do.

And you know this how?

It's actually sexist to think
some shit like that.

Alright, sexism is a real issue.

Okay, I consider myself
to be a proud feminist.

Good God!

Alright, do you-are you
circling the block or some shit?

Are you stalking us?

You got a problem with my five
star Uber driving?

No, I have a problem
with your attitude.

Can I have a private
conversation

with my friend, please?

Yes, by all means.

Go ahead.

So I consider myself to be
a proud feminist.

Yeah, I know, me too.

I love my family.

I... I love women.

I love girls, I respect them.

You know I have a healthy
relationship with my mom

and my psycho sister,
and sometimes I wish that

I was a woman, so I could help
fight feminism from the inside.

Okay, did you know that woman
still make seventy-seven cents

to the man's dollar?

Yes.

Think about that shit.

How would you feel being short
changed by twenty-two cents?

Twenty-three, genius.

See, even worse.

Be the new super cool,
non-sexist dude.

Your wish came true, man.

You finally have a second chance
to step up and take a shot.

You got the invite, baby!

Yeah, I got the invite.

I got... This is all I wanted.
I got it.

Oh, my God.

Summer's obviously into you

and you're lacking confidence
right now.

That's fine, that's fine,

'cause it all comes from
practice.

Look it up, Malcolm Gladwell.

You have to bang 10,000 chicks
in order to feel comfortable

having sex with Summer.

Ten...

But we need Viagra, 'cause we're
pressed on time right now.

We need Viagra to bang
10,000 chicks.

- Yes, 10,000 chicks.
- 10,000 chicks.

Do you think LeBron James
or Tom Brady show up

to the championship game
and hope to win?

Or, they fuck people up
all season?

No.

You need to think of Victoria's
party as your season and Summer

as your Super Bowl, and you have
ten hours to fuck up Chad

and win that pussy ring.

Great, got it!

How am I supposed
to fuck up Chad?

I take the school bus.

I've got that covered, man.

Can I help you out
with something?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, I've got to get to work
soon, so let's hear it.

Oh, wh... what do you do?

I sell Porsches.

You a detective?

Look... look,
I know you're a very busy man.

You know Porsches to sell,
pussies to pop.

I get that, I'm just gonna
cut to the chase.

Alright, my handsome friend
here, he's your new neighbour

and we notice you seem
to have unlimited access

to the sexiest cars.

And we really need
one for one wicked night

of partying we got set up
for tonight.

And you know what they say,
sexy wheels, sexy heels.

"Sexy wheels, sexy heels."

Uh, you funny, man.

So I guess you're the one
with the pretty face that

keeps the girls coming and then,
uh, you keep 'em around

with the funny one liners, huh?

- That's the idea.
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you know, when
you're handsome as hell like us,

you don't need corny jokes.

Alright, Jimbo?

Jimmy.

Time is money and money
is sweet like honey,

so let's talk some rides, guys.

Now, I can take you boys
to the dealership.

We're gonna do everything
on the up where I gotta run

your credit check,
make sure you're over 25,

see what's available on the lot,
yada-yada-yada.

Or, if this little baby's
giving you bedroom eyes,

we can settle everything
right here, right now,

off the books.

No, this car is perfect.

She purrs, and she bites,

but you know what she does best?

She makes them panties drop.

We on the same exact page, man.

I get exactly
what you're saying, my friend.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

We are reading
the same page here,

like it's our homework
assignment

and it's due tomorrow,
and we're gonna turn it in,

send it off.

Stop.

She's got 430 horsepower,

or as I like to call it,
horsecockpower.

You know what makes the ladies
really excited?

What, respect and equal pay?

Fuck, no!

Press this button right here,
takes you to sports mode.

It's like two beautiful
legs opening right up,

clearing you for expedited
first class entry.

Please remember to fasten
your seat belts

before take off, gentlemen.

- Oh, fuck, yeah!
- No, no, no, no, no.

Can we just slow down
a little bit?

Let's not, uh, uh, uh...

Hey, check the torque on her.

This was fucking crazy.

Yeah. Hangin', bro?

- Yep.
- Where'd your friend go?

Shit!

Ace, you alright, man?

I think so.

Well, then come on, man,

'cause time is money and money
is sweet like honey,

so hop on over here,
'cause it's not funny.

Really sorry about this.

So, how much you got?

How much what?

What? Money?

Yeah, cash.

Yeah, on your person.

$50 only, but I seem to have
misplaced my wallet.

I just can't find it
at the moment.

Oh-oh, you, sir, are no liar.

How did you do that?

So I'm gonna level
with you guys.

Believe it or not,
I wasn't always this cool.

Do you think I would have
as many women as I do

if I didn't have access
to all the Porsches?

Yes.

Exactly right,
because I've worked hard at it.

I've trained,
I've put in the time.

You see, practice not
only makes perfect,

it makes panties drop.

It's like you're in my brain,
man.

Does everything
make panties drop?

How about you, cheekbones?

What you got?

I don't think I... I don't
think I have any ca...

Ah, maybe $20?

Am I standing on a street corner
wearing a tight black dress

and some red bottoms?

N... no.

Then stop trying to fuck me.

Do you guys have, like,
a car you can loan me

as collateral?

Oh, no,
that would be a negative.

Then get the fuck out of here!

If you see me in the street,
don't look at me.

Just look down starting now.

Get out!

Wait.

What's this party about?

Can... can we look up now?

Yeah, yeah, you can look up.

Um, it's this lady Victoria.

Man, I mean, she's having
a party at Fuckingham Palace.

It's supposed to be crazy, man.

A thousand dollars per person.

A thousand dollars ain't cheap.

We're getting in for free.

You know, VIP, you know.

'Cause of me.

Hmm.

Right.

Fuck it.

Alright, my depressingly
poor amigos.

For a mere $70 bucks,

you guys just got
my Seven-Eighteen Boxster GTS

for the night.

- Let's go!
- Sweet!

On one condition, I'm going to
the party with you,

just to, you know, make sure
she's okay and stuff.

Who's she?

The Porsche, moron.

Alright, so here's the plan.

At 7:00 pm tonight,
you're gonna meet me

at Food Mart around
the corner, okay?

You're gonna go inside,
gonna get an extra large

black cherry Slurpee.

I'll be waiting for you
right there with the car.

These Viagras better work, man.

You know old guys
take Viagra to have sex

like guys our age, right?

The only pill I need right now
is Advil because my head

is killing me.

Look, the more you think
about it, the more it hurts.

Alright,
you feel what you attract.

Perception is everything.

I'm not attracting a headache.

I hit the shit out of my head.

- Do you want me to rub it?
- Yeah.

Let's get these dick pills,
alright?

How did you meet this guy again?

On Fortnite.

He's like the Dan Bilzerian
of the school, man.

Enter, it's open.

Is that G-money
I hear behind me?

Is that J-sizzle I see about to
snipe some poor biatches?

Gilbert?

Come here, man.

Let this big bear
get his paws on ya.

You look different
than I imagined.

Uh, yeah.

Nah, man, you too.

You... you look healthy.

Thanks man.

I bought an Apple watch.

Helps me to keep track of
my steps, so.

It's still in the box.

It's pretty cool.

Hey, this is Vanessa,
the love of my life.

Oh, they don't mind.

Who is thi handsome devil?

What, are you friends with an
actual walking sex stick?

Thanks.

It's good to...

Thanks for having us.

You are a gentleman
and a scholar, sir.

You're a prince in an alley,
Gilbert.

Guys, come on in,
have a seat.

So, to what do I owe this
gracious visit

from my favourite Fortnite
compatriot?

Hey, man, like I said,
my Viagra girl,

she went MIA on me, man.

What's her name?

I probably know her.

Uh, it's, uh... Victoria?

- Victoria V.
- Dope shit!

You know she supplies my guy.

She throws like the craziest,
most legendary parties.

Hey, man, let me ask you
something.

What's it like to go through
life knowing everyone

wants to fuck you?

I... I wouldn't say it's, uh,
everyone.

Pretty sure it is everyone.

Not everyone comes up to me
and says they want to fuck me.

I bet if I did a straw poll
in this house,

it would be everyone.

Um...

So I keep the drugs
in the bedroom.

Why don't we continue this
negotiation in there, alright?

Shall we? Let's do it.

Gentlemen, milady.

So, the pills are right there.

You guys could just grab a vile
and you should be all set.

Thank you so much, J.

How much do we owe you for this?

Aw, your money's no good here.

It's on the house.

We were wondering, though,
if maybe we could ask you guys

for a favour in return?

Yo, anything, man.

Just ask.

- Not anything.
- Shut up.

We think you guys
are really cute.

Do you guys think that
we're cute?

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.

How... how do you...

If you don't mean it,
it's okay.

You guys are cute as fuck.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- No...

You sure you're not just
saying that?

No, no. I-I mean, um,
'cause with...

Ace?

Yeah, yeah.

No, you guys are super cute.

You guys, uh, you've... you've
good chemistry and... and...

and you guys, you know,
you feed off of each other.

You're comfortable
in your own skin together,

so that's...
that's always a plus.

- That's awesome.
- Hmm.

So Vanessa and I
are gonna make love now

and we'd love for you guys
to just be around.

You know, feel free to hop in
or do whatever's comfortable.

You know, have a seat,
take a load off.

Yeah, positive vibes only, okay?

- Um...
- Um...

Great!

Alexa, play my sex jams.

Playing sex jams.

What the fuck
is happening right now?

This is college.

Hey!

Give me your hand.

Come on.

Press your palm against my palm.

Timothée Chalamet.

Come on.

You've been summoned.

Yes, that's great.

Family style, over here.

Let's cross fingers.

Let's cross fingers,
family style.

Bro, you've been summoned,
join us.

Come on.

Mm.

That should do it.

Thanks so much, boys
for stopping by.

That's what we call
a win-win, you know.

We take this to our graves.

Take what?

Exactly.

I just don't
know about this guy.

What if he doesn't show?

Neil, he's your neighbour,
alright?

He's, at the very least,

a very financially stable
homeowner,

not just some random dude
we met playing video games

with alright?

Plus he's normal,
he's cool, he's handsome,

and you shouldn't be questioning
shit with a $20 investment.

The cashier seems to have taken
a real liking to us.

He's probably wondering
what a healthy stud like you

is even doing here.

None of this shit is organic.

Nice.

Come on, let's go.

How you doing?

Get this real quick?

Time to separate
the men from the boys.

Okay.

Alright,
it's go time, boys.

Let's do this.

Give me all the money out
of your register now.

Give me all the money
out of the register!

- Now, motherfucker!
- Fuck!

You made me sound like
Samuel Jackson.

- Jimmy? Jimmy?
- What, chubby?

What am I supposed to do
with the bags?

Just hold on to it for a second,
goddamn, man.

Your move, Apu.

That's... that's racist.

That ain't racist,
that's his name, man.

His mama named him that.

Look at all this.

Rob the motherfucker.

You know them gas prices
is high as hell, man.

Alright, start the car.

Let's go!

The Skittles, nigg...

Man, come here.

- Why is this bag so big?
- Shut up, man!

'Sup with all
these questions?

Alright, go.

Get outta here.

Wait, wait, wait,
there's more money.

There's more money.

There's more money.

Come help,
we're a bout to be rich.

Oh, shit!

What the fuck?

Who pokes eyes?

Go, go, go, go,
go, go!

What the fuck!?

I don't want my fingerprints
on this shit either.

Press the gas!

Fine!

What the hell
is wrong with you, man?

You never drive before?

I just got my permit, man!

Oh, fuck!

Oh...

Wait!

Gilbert!

Wait, Gilbert!

What the fuck you doing?

- I can't leave Neil, man.
- Why?

He's my best
friend and I love him.

Oh, my...

- I love him, man.
- Stop saying that.

We're not stopping.

Wait, guys...
No, no, no, no, no, no!

Pop the trunk!

Pop the trunk.

Well, how do I do that?

Pop the trunk!

Wait!

Wait!

I'll kill you, motherfuckers!

Whoo!

What a rush!

Looks like we have another
one gone wild.

Go figure.

It must be all the fresh pizza
and chicken wings.

Drop your weapon and get down on
the ground, sir!

- Do it now!
- No, no, no, no.

They robbed me.

You should be chasing
that Porsche.

Yeah, I'm sure guys in Porsches
rob shitty Food Marts

all the time.

It makes perfect sense.

Get down on the ground,
shitbag!

Do it, now!

I'm still failing to understand
what the problem is here.

Okay, for starters, how about
the fact that you didn't tell us

we were going to be robbing
a fucking Food Mart.

Okay, first of all,

Food Marts get robbed
all the damn time, alright?

That's the price of selling
cheap shit,

and being on every block.

Secondly, I didn't plan this.

It's just, like, you know,
it's a spontaneous thing.

I'm a spontaneous dude.

I knew y'all was broke,

so I went in
and got y'all some money.

What's wrong with that?

So you just happened to carry
a mask and...

and a gun on you?

See this gun, fake!

Man, what are you doing?

Okay.

And I wear the mask sometimes
'cause, you know,

chicks like it.

I'm a freak.

You realize the cops are gonna
be looking for us, right?

'Cause our faces
are on that camera,

not Mister Ski Mask over here.

Okay, you shouldn't be concerned
with any of that shit.

I should be.

Alright, you're good.

You're fine with this?

You're fine with the scenario
the way that all this shit

went down?

Neil, I wasn't gonna
leave you, man.

I came back for you,
ma... Jimmy, tell him.

Yeah, I wanted to leave you.

I thought you was dead weight.

But he love you,
so I was like, alright.

- I love you, man.
- Don't do that.

- I love you, man.
- You don't love me.

- Yes, I do.
- You don't love me.

- Don't...
- Neil, I fuckin' love you, man!

Don't abuse that word, man.

Look, is this "The Notebook"?

Well, y... you wanted
the Porsche.

You wanted the Porsche,
so we got you the Porsche.

- I don't care about...
- You wanted to be like Chad.

- So I got you a Porsche.
- Porsche, baby.

It's a clean ass Porsche.

No, I don't care about
the Porsche.

Who doesn't want a Porsche?

I never cared about the Porsche.

No one cares about the Porsche.

You saying you don't want
this Porsche?

I want a Porsche.

In order to have intercourse,
you've got to have a Porsche.

I didn't want the dick pills.

And I definitely
don't want to go to jail

for robbing fucking Food Marts.

All I wanted was a pineapple
invitation

and to go to Summer's party.

Alright, we all got that.

So me, you and Jimmy,
we can all roll right now

in the Porsche.

I... I even held your weird
friend's hand while he orgasmed.

Hold his hand
when he was whatin'?

Hey, man, will you...

I was in there with you.

Neil, you don't got to say
that shit around him.

I never would have puked on
Summer if it weren't for you.

I was just trying to help you.

Alright, this happens
at my dealership all the time.

It's called a breakdown of
communication.

That's what's happening right
now with you guys, okay?

A great way to solve it is just
by being nice to each other.

Make up, okay?

I'm... I'm good.
I'm done.

Do you want me to shoot him?

Looks like you're my VIP
customer of the night.

Where's your
friend, the crazy one?

Fuck him.

Y'all pretty tight, huh?

Yeah, that's my best friend.

Or was... I guess.

Man, real best friends fight and
make up all the time, man.

Y'all'll be back, trust that.

Yeah.

Want to loosen up a little bit
before we, uh,

hit this party, though?

Born ready, man.

Hey, how's the party?
What's going on?

Mm.

Hey, you wanna dance?

It's alright,
not too crowded yet.

Is Chad there?

Oh, I said no gifts!

Yes.

And I would advise
bringing her a gift.

Chad is bringing his A game.

Of course he is.

What do I get her?

Something simple, cute.

Bring her a pocket dildo.

N... I'm not gonna get
her a dildo, Jaclyn.

Okay, bye.

I gotta go.

Hey, I'm gonna grab something
from the store.

I'll be right back.

Cool, I'll be out here having
fun pumping gas.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Can I get thirty on seven
and a pack of menthols, please?

How you doing?

Good, you?

Shitty,
we had a Food Mart hit down the street.

You guys got any suspects?

We've got video footage.

Some handsome motherfucker,
his fat friend, and here.

Guy, that's my dog.

We've got video footage.
That's Tommy Lee Jones, yeah.

He's cute. A little excited,
ain't he?

Yeah,
that's him and I in Ramerwood.

It's a Chinese restaurant.

- What are you doing?
- Don't worry.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Oh, my God, no, no, no!

Don't do it, don't do it!

What? Why?

I'm already committed here
if you can't tell.

No, I'm...
I'm trying to help you.

It's my first time.

They say the first time's
the hardest.

No, no, no, wait.

There's a cop at the register.
Seriously, don't do it.

Stop fuckin' with me, man.

Do you think this is easy?

You should try it, dip shit.

I'm... I'm not...
I've...

That's the video.

These motherfuckers robbed
a Food Mart in a Porsche.

Who robs a Food Mart
in a Porsche?

Nobody does.

It smells fishy.

We think it's an inside job.

Let me get two ring pops
for my buddy the Ramrod.

- What the...
- Don't make me do it!

Okay, drop the gun now!

No.

Drop the gun.

I'm gonna shoot him.

No, you're not.

Yeah, I am and... and then,
and then who knows.

That shit ain't gonna work
like you think.

Drop... the gun!

You drop your gun!

No!

I'm gonna shoot him, man.

You don't know me.

You don't know
my capabilities.

Wait a minute,
you shut up for a second.

Are you recording this?

Yeah, man.

You guys don't have the best
reputation right now.

That's right,
Black Lives Matter.

Okay.

Neither of you two are Black.

That's why you haven't
shot him yet?

I know yo...

You're the handsome
motherfucker from Food Mart.

Dude, dude, we've gotta go!

We gotta go!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Whose list are you on?

Uh, that will be Ken,
and my name is Ace.

Ace, huh?

Yeah, like...
like Ventura.

Alrighty, then!

Welcome, Ace.

Nice car.

It's my weekend whip.

They're good.

And here are your mandatory
outfits.

Outfits?

Okay.

Have a good time, gentlemen.

Sushi to go.

Sushi to go.

Man.

Okay.

Yo, man, this is the shit, man.

What did I tell you?

What did I tell you?

You told me.

You, uh, told me.

This is it.

Uh, does this seem like a bit of
a guy thing to you?

Oh, a guy thing to me is
watching football with a beer

in one hand and my nuts
in the other,

but I ain't trippin'.

This is my first
man on man extravaganza.

You got any friends here?

I don't think so.

Gilbert?

Gilbert!

Shit!

- G Spot!
- Hey.

How did I know I'd find you
here, you sexy bitch?

Yeah, we had fun today, right?

1Up to you, Justin.

Whoo!

Hey, man, you've got a little
thing on your...

Whoa!

Oh!

- What the fuck was that, man?
- Relax, dude.

It's just cocaine,
full nose candy.

Dude, relax.

Stop being so square.

Come on.

Hey, uh, enjoy yourself,
G Spot.

Wait, wait, wait!

Jimmy, where...
where you goin', man?

- Come on, dude.
- Where you going, Jimmy?

We got to dance, bitch!

Guys,
come meet my friend.

Oh!

I'm so glad you made it.

I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

My pussy and I
have been waiting for you.

Well, the wait is over
for both of you.

Hey, buddy.

Yeah?

Do you want to hang out
sometime?

- Uh...
- Here's my card.

It has all my contact info
on there.

Oh, and I talked
to my girlfriend.

She's down to clown around
in threesome town.

She said you could be
the mayor.

- Okay.
- Cool.

Jaclyn, hey.

Jaclyn?

Hmm?

- Where is she?
- No.

No, no.

I need your help.

- Jesus Christ.
- Who are you?

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Oh, my God.

I completely forgot.

He's...

- Hmm?
- Oh.

You could go kiss her now.

Whoa!

Sorry, dude.

Watch your step, man.

My bad.

Oh!

Hey, what's up, Black dude.

How you doing, man?

I'm looking
for the fuckin' room.

Any ideas, Lennox Lewis?

What you got there?

Show 'em what you got.

What is that double dickin' it,
or jizz in the eye?

Alright, you... can you just
support me right now?

What the fuck? I am.

You're not being
a good wingwoman at all.

Yes, I am being a good...

That's so mean.

I led you...

Whoo!

Just go dance with her.

She's right fucking there,
and she's asking for it.

She wants it.

It's not... No.

Go!

It's not the right time.

It is the right time.

Let me tell you a secret.

It is the right time.

What are you doing?

I'm cueing you.

Hi!

I bumped right...
That's so crazy!

I didn't even mean to do that
at all.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You look so sexy.

Wow.

- Oh, my God.
- Thank you.

We should make this
thing happen.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, we're leaving.

- Alright, I love you.
- We'll see you in a while.

- Bye.
- Love you!

Hey, Summer.

- Hey!
- Hi.

Made it!

Ass?

Um... Ac... actually...

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I know it's Ace.

Oh, yeah.

Good one.

Ass.

Yeah, well, actually I have a...
I have the invitation.

I brought it.

And you still have it?

Yeah.

Security didn't take it
at the door?

Oh, uh, I didn't... I didn't see
security there.

- What-
- I'm fucking with you.

There's no security,
It's not the airport.

Oh!

You know I think that you're
the only person that

has that still.

Oh, uh, it just...
it was nice.

Oh, my God, um...

What time is it?

Um, almost nine.

I have to go check the food.

- I'm so sorry.
- Um...

Okay.

Stay.

Dance.

- Have fun!
- Yeah.

No, I'll keep...
I'll keep dancing.

Double dickin' it.

You know these clowns?

I know him.

I know him as Gilbert.

We play Fortnite together.

He's a sweet guy.

He said that you supply him
all the time.

Oh, that adds up.

Take the ball gags
out of their fucking mouths.

Thank you.

I... I think this is just
all a huge misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding?

A misunderstand, no, no,
this is not a misunderstanding.

This is a fuck up,
that which cannot be un-fucked.

I throw these parties
because they cater

to a very specific
clientele base.

- The gays?
- Yeah.

Gay guys have so much money
because all they do

is look amazing, take vacations,
fuck, and do drugs.

And I throw these parties
knowing I will get back three

or four times the amount
I put in as an investment.

It's called an ROI.

And you two fucking clowns
thought it would be okay

to come in my house and steal
my motherfucking money.

Look, I... I completely
understand

where you're coming from,
Lady Victoria.

You seem to have a very strong
sense of entrepreneurship,

but... but I actually graduate
high school pretty soon,

so maybe I can work
off that debt.

Shut the fuck up.

- Justin!
- Yeah?

Did he just say highschool?

Uh... I wasn't listening,

but I'm sending you
my deepest apologies.

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

Jimmy, I'm keeping
your fuckin' Porsche.

You can say
goodbye to that pussy magnet.

With all due respect,
Miss White Lady,

you can't have my Porsche.

It's a dealership vehicle.

Oh, 'cause it's a dealership
vehicle?

Yeah, they'll come after you.

I'll go to fucking Porsche jail?

Give her the Porsche.

- I'm not giving her my Porsche.
- Give her the Porsche.

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

Give her the Porsche.

I ain't giving her no damn
Porsche, man.

Then we'll fuckin' die.

If either of you two ever come
near me again or ruin

one of my parties,
I will personally

be responsible
for burning both

of your useless fucking
dicks off.

That makes it... that makes it
sound like one of you

might have two dicks.

Okay, to clarify,
you both have one dick

and I'm burning that dick off.

The keys are in his pocket.

Okay.

Hey!

Hey, Chad.

How you doing, man?

Wh... are you having a good time,
Ace, right?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, thanks, man.

Just got here, so.

Listen, um,

You like Summer, right?

Uh, she's... she's cool.

Man, she's beyond cool.

Am I right, Matt?

Like, bro, of course.

We know she your baddy, brah.

- I don't...
- Listen, listen.

You know, we're...
we're both handsome guys.

We skip dessert every now
and then.

No hard feelings.

May the best man win.

What?

Get outta here, man!

You too!

Oh, man!

I cannot go back to work without
that Porsche, man.

Why can't you just tell them it
was stolen?

Because I've used that excuse
like a thousand times.

Bingo, bitch!

How're we gonna get it
outta there?

Um...

What are you doing, man?

What are you looking for?

Uh...

This.

Are you sure about this?

You're welcome to call an Uber.

I don't have
any fucking pants on.

My phone was in my pants.

Exactly.

Get in.

Fuck!

Oh, God!

This was uh,
this was a fucking mistake.

Another fucking condom!

Oh, shit!

What the fuck was that?

Nothing.

I just pooted, man.

Relax.

In my face, man?

We are in a tube of shit.

I can't fuckin' breathe, man!

Come on.

Uh... My back's all fucked up
right now.

You know I've got problems
with my knees.

- What the fuck?
- I know.

- What the fuck?
- I know.

- What the fuck?
- I know.

- So get rid of it!
- I can't!

If I let it go, it's gonna bite
the shit out of me, alright.

- Do you want that to happen?
- No.

- Do you?
- No!

- Do you?
- No!

Let's find something
to kill it with.

I'll go get the car.

Snake!

Why do I got to keep
seeing you? Mm?

What did I say?

Hey!

Why do I have to keep dealing
with you and your tiny twin?

Wait, where's your tiny twin?

I killed her.

I fucking killed
her, man.

Shit!

Shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit!

Stop!

She's fine, alright.

I'm sure this isn't
the first time she's been hit

in the head
with a fucking shovel.

And what the fuck
is your problem, man?

You're the reason
why we're even in this shit.

You want to rob people and shit.

You need to stop it, 'cause
you're not good at it, Jimmy.

You suck at it, Jimmy.

A thirty year-old grown ass man
who lives in his dad's basement.

I've accomplished nothing,
literally nothing.

Now I'm sitting here
in my boxers

covered in sewage with fucking
snake semen in my eyes.

She didn't burn our dicks off.

I think I'm gonna call it
a night.

I'm not really
in the mood to party.

Do you think I could come inside
and take a shower,

borrow some clothes?

Okay.

I have someone else's shit
in my ass.

Hey, ladies and gentlemen,

can I get your attention,
please?

What do you think?

Let's have a motherfucking
dance off!

Boy, you look goofy as hell.

What do you have me wearing?

You look like a 90s lesbian,

like a blackened blueberry.

You wanna play?

Get that, get that.

Yeah, give me all of that.

Oh, got you shawty.

Oh, my God!

Got you shawty.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why am I going...

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

- ♪ Happy Birthday, dear Jimmy ♪
- Oh, my God.

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

Birthday?

So, how you fellas gonna
celebrate this event?

Well, I had this really cool
party lined up for tonight.

Oh.

But your son here's playing
hardball with me.

It's a high school party.

Hmm.

That's fine.

I was hoping for some father
and son time anyway.

You know, I think
"Casablanca" is on TCM again.

I could fix some popcorn
and s'mores.

We can hang around,
you know.

Fuck you, Dad.

Attention Unit
3465, we have reports that a Porsche,

tinted windows,
no plate heading westbound,

Highway 84 towards downtown.

Please respond immediately.

Goddamn it!

I'm not even gonna be able
to finish my dinner now.

Ooh, this place is nice!

I'll go look for my buddy.

Alright.

Do your thing, man.

Give me that shit.

Hey, man, that's my drink.

Yeah, I know.

I don't want any fights
from you.

Yeah, I know.

With your lemon shirt.

Looks like it's your turn,
buddy.

Holy shit, boy!

What are you doing?

- We need to do this.
- Do what?

- Dance.
- Dan...

We're not dancing right now.

Yes, we are dancing right now.

- Yeah, we are.
- No, we're not dancing.

- You know why?
- Why?

What are they doing?

Always got your back,
and you know it, man.

I've got your back.

I've got you.

No, I don't know
why you're not there

I give you my love,
but you don't care

So what is right
and what is wrong?

Give me a sign

What is love?

Oh, baby, don't hurt me

Don't hurt me, no more

What is love?

Oh, baby, don't hurt me

Don't hurt me, no more

Lemon.

No, I don't know
what can I do?

What else can I say?
It's up to you

I know we're one...

I love you, Ace!

I can't go on

What is love?

Why do we not notice him?

Why can't we join in right now?

Ace, go Ace, go Ace...

What is love?

It's not about how hard
you get hit.

It's about how fast
you get back up.

I'm sorry, pal.

You did you did your best.

Man, I'm just trying
to show love, bro.

Hey, funny little dude.

I didn't know you could
dance like that.

Yeah, well, there's a lot of
things we don't know

about each other, baby.

- I crossed the line.
- You absolutely did.

- I can't call you, baby?
- You definitely cannot.

You're right.

You're very right.

Can we start over, please?

Sure.

- Gilbert.
- Ava.

- Would you like to dance?
- Hi.

Have fun.

That was um...

It's was a lot of fun to watch.

Thank... thanks.

Yeah, I've worked on it a lot.

I can tell.

Do you want to dance?

You wa...
you want to dance with me?

Yes.

Yeah, just give me one second.

Okay.

Cool.

Where the fuck did that dance
routine come from?

Okay, so it's a game me
and Neil play.

No, that is something
you guys rehearsed.

No, see, no.

Your timing was tight.

I don't want y'all to think
we just be in the rooms like...

You guys do that every night
before you go to bed.

- 100% right?
- No, no, no.

Do you know what
I'm saying?

I believe you this much.

You're doing great.

You're doing great!

Sorry it had to be like this,
bro.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Aw, man, gross!

Are you alright?

- That looked gnarly.
- Fuck you, man!

Hey, whoa!

What the hell just happened?

They pushed the porta potty
in the pool.

That's a lie.

Did you fuckin' do this, Chad?

What? Why would I
do that?

This guy's our good friend,

not to mention
hell of a dancer.

Aw, why would you do that?

Oh!

I'm not sorry it
had to be like this, bro.

Freak!

This is nasty!

Get out!

Get out of my party
right now.

- What the fuck did we do?
- Just get out!

Hey, guys, five-O is here!

Five-O!

Come on, let's go,
let's go, let's go!

Hey! Let's go!

Go!

Come on!

Gilbert, come on!

Oh, shit!

What are we gonna do?

Um, come on.

Come on, come on.

Wait for me, wait for me!

Goddamn it.

I miss high school parties.

Yes!

Let's do this.

That could use some oil.

What the fuck is
wrong with the garage door?

Jesus Christ.

Look at these...

Yeah, this is a party.

That was that fat motherfucker
from Food Mart.

Right? Right?

Don't you love the sound of
those sirens?

Yeah, that's why I'm a cop.

I'm too young to go to jail,
man.

Ain't going to jail,
not on my watch.

- Want some?
- Yeah.

I fuckin' didn't get to finish
my shit earlier.

Could I have some of that soda,
please?

No.

Oh, hey, did I tell you
I was cutting out dairy?

Yeah.

I noticed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You ask for no cheese
on the burger.

Yeah, I'm not fuckin' around
anymore, man.

Goddamn.

Right? Right?

What the fuck
are we gonna do now?

Sorry, kid, shit's about to get
real complicated.

I will find them and I will kill
them myself.

It's pretty good.

Fuck!

Why would you do that?

What is your problems, man?

There's only one way out
of here, man.

We've got to get creative.

What you about to do, dumbass?

I'm sorry.

Yo.

Oh, fuck!

I'm sorry.

- Why?
- Why?

- Why?
- Sorry.

- Why?
- Why?

- Why?
- I don't know, man.

I'm sorry, man.

You just shot me.

- Why?
- Shit, I don't know, man.

Why?

Oh, shit!

You happy? We've even now.

Why did you do that?

I don't know,
I see why you was screaming.

That shit hurt.

You got to trust me.

Let me do the talking.

Do not say anything
to the fucking cops, okay?

I mean this shit hurts, man.

Oh man, I know, nigga!

I just shot me!

I know.

Goddamnit man, I regret this!

Catch!

Sorry,
ladies, that concludes the joyride portion

of your evening.

It's time to pay the piper.

Officer, help!

We've just been shot.

We need to go to the hospital.

This... this maniac just
went apeshit on us!

Told you, inside job.

You're so good.

Oh, buddy, you know the drill.

Gun down on the ground.

Do it, now!

Lay down, Apu!

Do it, now!

Put the gun on the ground, Apu.

Do it, now!

I got a goddamn headache
from that.

Forgot to give Summer
her favourite chocolate.

Okay, and who cares?

It's chocolate.

She'll live without it.

Yeah, I guess she will.

What?

Neil, I know girls.

Okay,
you know that I know girls.

Summer is a normal,
down to earth, girl.

She doesn't give a shit about
all the bullshit

you think she cares about.

And, you know what, Neil?

As much as I fuckin' hate saying
this, you're kind of funny,

and you're a super-talented
pervert,

so just go and fucking
talk to her.

No fuckin' way.

Why not? What the fuck is wrong
with you?

You've literally been beating
off to Summer

for the past five years.

I'm not gonna let you give up
now, needle dick.

Go and talk to her.

I'm not going back there.

She's sitting over there
with...

with shit in her pool right now.

It's not the right time.

Can I tell you a secret?

The right time is now.

- Jaclyn, stop...
- Now!

- I can't hit you back.
- Go!

Stop hitting me.

Promise to talk to me,
just don't hit me.

Okay, fine.

God.

Just go!

Fuck!

Okay.

Fine!

Alright, see ya later.

Fucking clean up my own party.

Jesus.

Hey!

Can I help you?

No, I live here.

Can I help you?

I... it's just...
it's a mess out here,

so I figured you could use
some help.

No, I just want to be alone.

Thanks.

I brought you a birthday
present.

Those are my favourite.

How'd you know?

Are you stalking me?

Yeah.

No, no.

No, really, I... I mean, like,
I've been through your Instagram

and ha-harmless online stuff,
but not, uh, not drive-bys

or anything, anything wild.

Okay.

As long as it's just
Instagram stalking.

Cheers!

Oh, wow, you got, um,

you've got like a lot of
chocolate in your teeth.

Oh!

It kind of looks like you took
a swim in my pool, Neil.

Sorry.

What'd you just call me?

Neil.

It's your name, right?

Um...

What's wrong?

What is it?

Nothing, nothing.

Um, no I'm fine.

Mm-kay.

You know what really pisses me
off about all of this?

None of this was even for me.

It was for everyone else,

because if it was for me
I would have just gone to dinner

with a bunch of friends.

Girls really just have it harder
than guys do.

No offense.

Because we're always trying to
please people

and avoid the aggressive
douchebags like Chad

and this new guy named Ace.

Hmm.

Dick.

I hate dicks, but to be
honest with you,

sometimes I wish I had one,
a dick, like a bigass dick,

'cause I think that it would
just make my life

so much easier.

A bigass dick.

I don't know if you need a...
a bigass dick, um.

I hate bigass dicks.

I... I hate dicks in general.

I mean, my crazy sister
always says that

her gender's always
had it rougher

because historically
they've been treated

more poorly, so...

Hmm.

I'm-I'm on your side.

I'm on your team.

Who needs dicks?

It's good to know.

Size doesn't really matter.

Mm.

Are you hungry,

because I know a great place
we could go.

- There you guys go.
- Yeah, thank you.

And don't forget that catfish
jelly is really great on it.

But not too much.

Neil?

Hi!

Hey, Dad.

Um, this... this is Summer.

Hi.

Summer, hey.

Uh, your girlfriend?

Nope, nope, just hanging out.

We've just, uh, we...
we just came for food.

Oh... okay.

So a couple of Tobbler Specials
for you maybe, huh?

Perfect.

- Sound good?
- Great.

Okay.

Oh, and by the way,

I fixed the lock
on the bathroom door for you,

so you can stop bitchin'
about that.

Cool.

You're gonna get the...

you we're gonna make the
waffles, right?

Let me get that, yeah.

- Whenever you get-
- SUMMER: Thank you.

Yeah, something special.

- You're gonna love it.
- Thank you!

Alright.

Is the bathroom lock like
a frequent issue for you?

Oh, no, it's a big problem
in my family, yeah.

My dad is the most embarrassing
person, uh, in the world.

- He was sweet. He loves you.
- His goal. His goal.

Oh, my God, are you kidding?

I wish my parents would
embarrass me.

All they want from me is for
me to go into medicine,

which is like fifteen years
of torture.

So I'm gonna take a year off
and travel around the world

and then do the cliché
backpacking across Europe

to find myself.

The world?

That, uh, that's...
that's ambitious.

Thank God for FaceTime.

Why?

You know, so we can, uh,
keep in touch

and look at
each other's faces.

Well, what about you?

- With my life?
- Yeah.

I... I don't know.

That's so hot.

Nothing gets me going more than
a guy with no direction.

Uh, well I got a...
I got a scholarship to Cal Arts,

and I, I love to draw,
but I just don't... I don't think

I can make money
with my style of drawing.

Hmm.

The scholarship is amazing.

Plus I see you drawing on your
iPad all the time at school.

You... you notice me drawing?

We've been going to school
together for years.

I'm not blind.

Can I see your drawings?

No.

No, I just-I just, I don't
show them to anyone,

'cause they're sort of X-rated
and they...

they might make me come off
as a psycho.

Stop being such a fucking pussy.

Just show it to me.

You'd freak out.

I would not freak out.

You would freak out.

What about me says that
I'm gonna freak out?

You promise you won't freak out?

Swear on my life!

Promise, you promise?

Oh, yes, I promise. I promise,
I promise, I promise...

Can I ask you a personal
question, Jimmy?

Hmm?

What does pussy feel like?

Like putting your dick in some
mashed potatoes.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Can I tell you something?

Mm-hmm.

It's been the best birthday
I ever had, man.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I've just, uh,

had a crush on
you for a... a really...

Neil, just shut up and kiss me
and finger me simultaneously.

You're...
fucking with me right now.

Yes, I'm fucking with you.

- See I knew that.
- You sick porn twisted boy!

I know, I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who the fuck talks like that?

I know, I... didn't,
I don't even...

I have never used the word pussy
that many times in my life.

Jesus, you really know
how to make a girl swoon.

You know I was gonna invite you
to my birthday party.

Really?

Yeah.

But then you puked on me
in front of everyone, so.

Yeah.

Uh...

Sorry about that.

I actually don't...

I actually don't watch
that much porn.

- I just...
- You don't?

- No.
- Well, 'cause I do.

- You do?
- Yeah.

I can give you passwords.

You are so much more fucked up
than I thought you'd be.

Which actually makes
you kind of...

Kind of... kind of what?

Cool.

Cool.

I don't understand why I'm the
one with handcuffs right now?

I don't see any bullet holes
in you, Apu.