Supercondriaque (2014) - full transcript

Romain Faubert is a 39 year old, single, medical photographer.. and a raging hypochondriac. His doctor and only friend Dr. Dimitri Zvenka, thinks he knows a cure for Romain: dating. But with the arrival of freedom fighter Anton Miroslav, everyone might get more then they bargained for.. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
Nagging pain

Strange unbearable pain


Pollution symptoms

Stomach ache

Stomach ache, cause?

And cure


Happy New Year!

Can you hear me?

If you can, squeeze my hand.

Stay with me, sir.

Boulevard des ltaliens, ETA 5 mins.

Go, go!


- Secure him.
- Move it!

Romain Faubert, 39.
Intense pain, chest and left arm.

Tachycardia, hyperventilated.

Now stable.

- How long?
- 45 mins.

Let's get blood work,
an EKG and MRI.

Potassium and sodium as needed.

- I can't see anything.
- Me neither.

Nothing abnormal.
Who brought him in?

15th District EMT's.

Let me see their medical sheet.


No alcohol in his blood.
I don't get it.

There's a spot there, look.

- Where?
- There!

Lower left lung. Very worrisome.

That's no spot.
It's the lower part of the diaphragm.

You need glasses.

Hey, watch it!

What's your name, Doctor?

No, I'm not a doctor.

A patient!

Of course. What's he doing here?

That's me in the picture.

I heard you talking about me,
I came in.

This isn't his 1st time.
He's a sick individual.

That's why I'm here. I'm very sick.

Beat it.

Out! Kick him the hell out!

Don't touch me.
No nosocomial infections!

Don't touch me.

Get him out.

Put some gloves on!

You gave them my cell number?

First one I thought of.
I mean, you're my friend.

When the nurse asked
if they should call my family,

I saw you,
bathed in a glowing halo.

Look at me. No glowing halo.

I'm not family
and we're done as friends.

It's been 18 years.

18 too many!
We tried, it doesn't work. Period.

I'm done as your doctor, too.

You don't mean that.

No, Dimitri!

Wait, you can't just drop me!

Ls my heart condition my fault?

Are you putting me on?

Want a good reason
to be in an ER?

- They tried to kiss me.
- For New Year's!

- It's disgusting!
- It's the custom!

The custom is disgusting.
Kissing can't spread disease?

It can be a factor
in germ transmission, sure.

In the midst of a flu epidemic!

There are germs everywhere.
You must stop...

What's that fur coat?

It's not mine.

I just remember
being at your place...


- Nice party.
- You're funny.

- Why?
- You're pretend-relaxed.

I'm not much
on New Year's parties.

- So why come?
- I was invited.

You keep checking your watch?

It's not you.
I just need to leave before 12.

You get gray hair at midnight?

I don't want to kiss or be kissed.

All the bacteria you pass along
in kissing... Horrible.

- Never thought of that.
- Think about it. I should know.

I'm an online
medical dictionary photographer.

- Doctoweb. Heard of it?
- No.

Well, I... I'm going.
I need more champagne.

I need a drink

to forget this conversation.

- Cute, right?
- Very.

Don't leave her alone. Go!

- Ready!
- Ready for what?

- Almost midnight.
- No!

Calm down, Romain.

No! Stand clear!
Don't kiss him!

- Stand clear!
- Call emergency.

Dimitri, forgive me.

Next time I'll be good.
You'll be proud of me.

There is no next time. Bye.

- Drop me off?
- I'm a doctor, not a driver.

You can't leave a friend
alone in the cold on New Year's.

Our friendship's over.

Find a woman,
maybe she'll drive you.

That's a stupid thing to say.

Unlock the door.

Dimitri! Open the door!

I beg you, Dimitri.
For the love of God.

No! Wait!

A bottle of hand sanitizer, please.


Three euros fifty.

Could you pour some on my hands?
Drenched in bacteria. Horrible.

You do it.

If I touch it, I'll contaminate it.
It'll be useless

because the bottle
will be crawling with germs.

Thanks. Go ahead, go.

Very attractive pharmacy.

Any hot new medicines
I can get pre-approval for?

To treat what condition?

Oh, a little of everything.

I can't stand
these New Year's maniacs.

I heard that.

I'm not a maniac.

Right, I noticed.

Jacques, Eva. Stay for a nightcap?

- Who was that madman?
- A patient. Complicated.

- Sorry about your eye.
- Not as sorry as I am.

Doctor, get home safe.

Dimitri, I can't find my fur.

A white fur coat,
with two brooches?

Right! it was in the bedroom.

It's mink! Worth a fortune!

Haven't seen it. Sorry.

What a night!

- Why invite that psycho?
- He was alone for New Year's.

I took pity on him.
Not a psycho. Hypochondriac.

- Defending him?
- I made a mistake.

That's clear to everyone,
except you.

I want him to meet someone.
Then he'll finally leave me in peace.

Thanks! Glad to hear it.

Sorry, didn't see you there.

I didn't see her there.

Nice idea. Worked out great.

I'm not seeing him again.
It's my New Year's resolution.

- What is that?
- Guess.

Who would stash illegals here
at 2 AM?


Anna, no.

It's all good. Fine.

Nina's back from skiing in 2 days.
The answer is no.

Likewise. Goodbye.

No, he's thanking you
for letting them stay.

Why not your place?

Guillaume and I had a fight.

- Deal with it.
- But don't bother you?

- Anna!
- Right, don't bother me!

You're both hopelessly middle-class!

Your architect husband,
your big suburban house...

Nora, come on.

When those homeless wetbacks get you
into trouble, don't complain!

They're not homeless.
They're cousins.

Political refugees of Cherkistan.

Not all Cherkistanis are cousins.

The least you could do is ask
before coming here.

I was going to. Then I saw
the bombing on Google alert.

- I was swamped!
- Bombing?

You haven't even heard.

A raid in the southern mountains.

The state located
the main rebel camp.

My God!

When Anton Miroslav may be dead!

Why would you say that?

Because we're tired!

I want them to shut up.
I want them to go.

you have no political conscience.

And you're in denial
about your roots.

You're hopeless.

We've been French for 3 generations.

So Grandpa was a Zvenka.

Doesn't make us
part of the revolution!

You call yourself a humanitarian.

I'm a non-practicing altruist.

Very funny.

- Happy New Year, fascists!
- Same to you, working class hero!

Woman of my dreams?

Not busking.

- Incredible!
- I'm not performing!

How was New Year's
at your doctor's?

Let's not talk about it.

- And your party?
- A blast. Should've come.

Hello, excuse me.
I'm scheduled for an MRI.

Fourth floor left.
Elevator's right there.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

Can't wish him
a happy new year.

- Happy New Year.
- How are you?

A little cold, but I'm OK.


And you get prettier all the time!

Nice of you.

- See you later?
- All right.

Stings, huh?

A little, yeah.

You got to chill
with the germ thing.

I will.

Hi Véronique, happy New Year.

Romain Faubert! How are you?

Not great, I'm here.

Here again.

- The waiting room's so crowded.
- Always, after the holiday.

Mind if I wait here?

Yes, I mind.


Constant stress.

Dimitri, I'm very ill.

Get out. I have a waiting room.

An emergency.

Go through my damn secretary!
Out of my office!

Excuse me.

You said you were feeling
very stressed out?


Excuse me, you shouldn't touch
those 90's magazines.

Crawling with germs and skin rashes.

Think of all the sick people
turning pages, doing this.


Waiting rooms are a doctor's way
of increasing clientele.

The doctor is the one waiting

for all our germs
to spread to all his patients.

I said I wouldn't see you again.
What is it? Hurry up.

Could you order a tiny ultra-sound
for over here?

Go work out, stop bothering me!

You're being unkind.
I'm your most loyal patient.

And the healthiest!

Sure! I'm careful,
and I have a good doctor.

Listen, Romain.

I do volunteer work.
I see suffering, real suffering.

If I took you on a mission once,
you'd stop complaining.

I'll stop.

That would be a miracle.
Come on, get out.

I got you a present,
to apologize for the party.

You shouldn't have.

You were so nice to invite me.

For my friend Dimitri Thank you

- You don't like it?
- That's not it.

Such a fine gift wasn't necessary.

It's nice of you.

I'll take your blood pressure.

I'll go, you're busy.

It was nice of him.

After you.

He's not contagious.

Stand here in the middle,
face forward.

Where do you have the most blotches?

Chest and neck.

Could you open your shirt, please?

And head nice and high.

Like this?

How do you catch
pityriasis versicolor?

Hot, humid places.


Much closer.
Public swimming pools.

A fungus. That's all I got.

- From the foot bath?
- I don't know.

Profile, please.

The foot bath
is a revolting invention.

- The what?
- Foot bath.

Those disinfectant pools for feet.

They force you to walk in it,

to be sure you'll get
every last germ.

Your other profile, please.



Your headache.
You keep doing this.

Here man, thanks.

That's the secret of happiness.
Live for the moment. OK?

Fantastic, Marc!

I can't believe
I didn't go out before!

I'm making up for lost time!

I love it! Thanks, dude!

No problem, man!

Who rules here? We do!

Go. I got the blood test ready.
Don't worry.

- Romain!
- Manon!

- You come here often?
- My first time.

That's funny. Me, too!
Let me recite a poem.

- No, no poem!
- Yeah, a poem.

- A what?
- A poem!

He wants to recite a poem.

Wow, that was so masterful.

So masterful. You're my hero.


What is it, the cocktail?
I drank the same one!

Step aside. We have no time!

But I drank the same cocktail!
The same one!

Help me!

Sorry, I gave your number again.

That's all right.

I know that doctor.
Careful, he sucks.

- Romain, it's not good news.
- Marc?

Sorry, it's over for your friend.

No way.

It's over. Marc is dead.

You killed him!
Public hospitals! What did you do?

He was gone
when he got to the ER.

It was an aneurism.

A massive cerebral hemorrhage.

He had lots of aspirin in his blood,
which sped up the process.

Holy shit!

What is it?


You all right?

Easy, easy.
It'll be all right.

It'll be all right.

Come on, it's all right.

What's that?

Eastern European disinfectant.
Genuine Cherkistan, it picks you up.

When in mourning,

drink and laugh.

To let it go. Come on.

As Grandpa would say, kvanya!

I murdered my best friend.

Stop that, you didn't murder him.

But stop self-medicating!

This proves it's dangerous.
But it's not your fault.

I gave him aspirin.
He hemorrhaged and died.

Easy! Romain!

It was circumstance,
you couldn't know.

Headaches, stiff necks.
I should've thought it through.

I wanted him to die!

Besides, I'm relieved he died
and not me!

It's horrible.

It's human.
This was an accident.

He should've known,
he was a nurse.

His aneurism was unavoidable.

My aspirin finished him off.

It sped it up, it didn't kill him.
Maybe he even suffered less.

Think so?

You relieved him,
helped him leave gently.


I lost my only friend.

He wasn't your only friend.

You have me, too.

You want to be my friend?

Let's say...
you're my favorite patient.

Thanks, Dimitri!

Thank you!

Can I sleep over tonight?

Just one night.


Sorry, I'm not very hungry.

It looks delicious, Mrs. Zvenka.

- Can I call you Nora?
- No.

Romain just lost his best friend.

Poor guy.

Now what if you lose your wife?

- That's funny.
- Romain!

You said when in mourning,
you have to laugh.

Not about that!

Inviting a patient
to sleep in my office!

Just like your sister.

I'm not any patient.

One minute.

I'm his favorite patient.
He said so.

You said he was your favorite?

Yes, but...

Maybe I'll sleep on the couch,
and leave you two the bed?


But I'm in mourning.

Look out! The dog got in!

- Nina, lock Boogie in your room.
- But he's gentle.

- It's scary, disgusting.
- He's scared.

Our dog isn't dirty.

He doesn't sniff other dogs' asses?

That's irrelevant.

All right. Come on, Nina.

- He's not well.
- I'm fine.

I'm in mourning.
And I don't sniff any asses.

Maybe you should!

Romain, please.



What's going on?

Headache, stiff neck.

- You'll wake my wife.
- He did.

Sorry, darling.

Sorry, but I'm having an aneurism.

That would require
actually having a brain!

Stop with the aneurism! Back to bed!

Same symptoms.

It burst on this side,
behind my eye.

Warm liquid behind one eye, a leak!

- Stay.
- OK.

- Not you!
- I'll bunk with Nina.

No, honey. Stay.

You get out!

Got it? Your profile is done?

It's OK to put my Visa number in?

The situation is dire.
This is how couples meet now.

Medical dictionary photographer?
No. Just "photographer".

Put 6' 4".

I'm 5' 10".

She won't measure you.
Actually, put 6' 6".

Not 39, put 29.

- I'm 39.
- It's better to put 29.

I don't look 29.

Use an old picture
or from afar.

If you put 39,
put divorced or widowed.

Because 39, no kids,
never married...

Sounds suspicious. Or shady.

Check athletic. Very athletic.

Check triathlon. That's good.

Three sports in one. A go-getter.

But I can't swim.

After a block on a bike
I get cramps.

- Can you run?
- Like anyone else.

See? There is no mono-athlon.
So check triathlon!

Why do you want me
to lie to women?

It's dressing up the ordinary.
You need a lot of dressing up.

Hit "send".


Thanks for everything.

Don't thank me.

I just want to get rid of you
once and for all.

- Romain?
- No, Eric.

- Pleasure. What's your name?
- Sorry, my mistake.

Daphne, I'm over here.

I'm Romain.


Oh, forgive me.
I'm so sorry.

Your Internet description was off,

and your picture's so small...

it's an outdated description.

Have a seat.

So you're a triathlon champion?


No time to work out lately,
I've lost some muscle mass.

We top athletes,
that's the first thing we lose.

Muscle turns to fat.

But I'm getting back to it,
this spring.

Sorry, but you're not 29.

No, I'm 34 or 35.

34 or 35?


9 years ago
I signed up for that dating site.

You're my first date, though.

Time just flies.

I'm leaving.

- Sorry.
- I get it.



Leave athletic.

I can't go through that again.

Add hypochondriac.

No, I'm done with that.

That humiliation hit me hard.
I've changed.

That's wonderful.

She's so hot. Isabelle.

She liked my true bio,
wants a date.

Don't fuck up this time.
Act like a man, OK?

Testosterone galore.

A real man. Tough.

Afraid of nothing.

- She'll like you.
- They all do!

Give me a mean look.

Tell me you want me!
Tell me!

- I want you.
- Louder!

I want you!

Like a man!

Like a man, come on! Louder!

You, you, you!

I'm impressed!

Yeah! Like that!

I gained muscle mass
by power walking!

Dinner's ready.


We're done with...
his treatment.

Take your time.

Try not to let
our 13-year-old see that.


Want to talk about
your repressed homosexuality?

What repressed homosexuality?

I don't know, you tell me.

Do you remember
a reverse Oedipus complex?

Me, in love with my father?
No way!

- Why get upset?
- I'm not upset.

I thought you couldn't
analyze your family?

What is this "impatient" patient
doing near our marriage?

He's ill.
I'm his doctor, I'm treating him.

Why him and not the others?

I started with him.
He's my oldest patient.

I once paid my bills
thanks to his hypochondria.

A hypochondriac needs a shrink,
not a doctor.

What could you cure him of?

This century's worst ailment.

Come on.

It's true.

With a woman, he'll be fine.

And us?

You won't hear of him again.

Be patient, my love.

Your patient is now your friend,
and I must be "patient"?

I always wondered why my mom
said not to marry a shrink.

I'll show you if I'm a homosexual.

- Isabelle.
- Romain!

Sit the hell down.

So you're...

Skip the fucking small talk, OK?

If you say so.

- Thirsty?
- Yeah.

- Can I help you?
- She's thirsty.

Same thing as him.

Great! Movie starts in 20 mins.

Hey, you don't mind
a movie on the first date?

No, it's fine.
Stay the hell there. I'm buying.

Two for Les Mis, please.

The six o'clock show.

Two for Les Mis. Theater six.

Is there carpeting in theater six?

What the hell?

What are you from Home Depot?

No, it's about the dust mites.

Causes allergies,
and fatal asthma fits.

We have carpeting, floor and walls.

Any movies without carpet?

The only uncarpeted rooms

are the bathrooms.

Too bad, sorry.

- Got it?
- No.

Let's get dinner. I'm starved.

And we could talk,
get to know each other.

OK, great. if you want.

- Wash your hands first?
- No, I'm OK. Thanks.

Everyone washes their hands.

Eating with dirty hands is ugly.

You can wash before
or after the operation.

Give the nurse a chance.
She sounds great.

Got to go, I'm eating.

Who was that?

- Who what?
- On the phone.

Oh, who was it. Yeah.

A surgeon friend.

Dr. Jacquard. Remember?
The seminar in Djerba.

He just...

OK, it was him. Sorry.

He's on a date, it's working.


No, thank you.

I live right down there.

Well, I have to go. Good night.

Thanks for a nice evening.

No nightcap?

No, I get up early.

Why laugh?

First time I ever struck out. Wow.

I love it.

Not only do I wind up asking,
but then you say no!

Don't think I...

No, wait!

How about an erotic game
to spice it up?

What? You want to tie me up?

What the hell? What are you doing?

That's my fantasy.

Washing my armpits?
A fantasy?

Don't worry, there are others.

I'll stop bothering you,
and your family.

- You won't see me again.
- Really? Why?

I can't do it, Dimitri.

It's all over,
I'll be 40 in 5 months.

I'm alone.

I'm a sick hypochondriac.
It can only get worse with age.

You're lucky to have her.
And you have a beautiful daughter.

Hear that, my love?

But we have a son, too.

Really? I never saw your son.

Sure you have.

He's always here when you are.

Look, Romain,

true love

is loving someone for who he is,
not what he's done

or hasn't done.

Somewhere there's a woman
who'll love you for yourself.

For your sensitivity,

your traits and flaws.

Too late.

I'll wind up with no wife, no kids,

old, ugly, stupid, lonely and sick.

Sick, no.

The rest, yeah.

OK, desperate times
call for desperate measures.

Why are we here?

For your first humanitarian mission.

Give me your ID.

See those illegal immigrants?

They're from Cherkistan.
Know where that is?

Your family's from there.

A small, war-torn eastern nation,
with no national health plan.

That's about right.

The lucky ones
get refugee status.

The others get a temporary visa,
then they're deported.

Such a cruel world.

- Hello, Doctor.
- How are you?

- Come with me.
- What?!

You help them from the boat
to the medical tents.

- I can't.
- Be brave. We need everyone.

- I can't get on that boat.
- Make an effort for once!

I'd love to help them,
but I'd catch some horrible virus.

Go wait in the car!

You're a lowlife! You're pitiful!

Hi, Anna.

About time! We're overloaded!

Enough. I'm here.

Only 3 doctors for all these people.

- Dank ya.
- It's nothing!

No, please!

No, thank you. Please...

- Dank ya.
- You're welcome.

Who's he?

A friend who's healing.

Dank ya.

- Dank ya.
- That's OK.

Over here!


Sir, can you hear me?

All right now, calm down!

Don't touch me!

Let me do my job.

I must have a horrible accent.

Anton Miroslav,

of the Cherkistani revolution.

I follow news of your nation,
which is sort of mine as well.

My family is from Drassjna,
like you.

My name is Anna.

Anna Lempereur,
maiden name Zvenka.



You need it after that ordeal.

You were thought dead
after that attack.

I'm so moved to see you, alive!

Sorry, I must seem so...

Do you even understand me?

Dank ya.

Anton Miroslav thanking me!
The world is backwards.

Enough talk. Time is short.

I'll take your things
through security,

put them in my car,
and I'll be back for you.

Don't move.

I understand a little.
French a little.

Great. Where did you learn?

Verlaine, Rimbaud, Balzac.

Much need poetry in civil war.

It's for a fake passport.


I can't believe it!

No way!

I'll get up.

You're beyond hope! Shit!

On a glucose drip?
Shame on you!

A moment of weakness,
I feel better.

I'll help the real patients now.

Hurry up! Take that IV out.

Shouldn't I finish?

You're crazy!

- Dimitri, please!
- Coming.

Go help
instead of clogging up a bed!

I'll make the bed,
and I'll be right there. Coming.

Miroslav! Anton Miroslav!

You want to get spotted!?

Of course. You're delirious.

I need to take care of you.

Here. Your fake passport.
Just like a real one.


Try to look as French as possible.

And relax!

Jean Valjean?

Victor Hugo stole our name.

Who knew Les Mis
would be such a hit?

Go ahead.

Dank ya.

You're welcome.

Oh my Lord!

Anna? Is that you?

Guillaume! You're not in Brussels?

Meeting got pushed back.
I got a later train.

Who's he?

I didn't have time to warn you.

This is Anton Miroslav,
who'll be staying with us a while.

Can we talk for a sec?

Stop bringing illegals
to this house!

He's not just any illegal.
He's Anton Miroslav.

Hero of the revolution!

So what?

Are you done?
He has a fever, he's hungry.

Anna, why not collect
stray cats or dogs,

like your housewife friends
around here?

That's so stupid.

Besides, I don't like his face.

You don't know him.
Maybe he's dangerous.

- Have the vet put him down!
- Stop, I'm serious.

So am I. He's not a stray,

he's a hero,
who's saving my nation from tyranny.

Saving your nation from tyranny!
Let me laugh.

I don't see what's funny.

You're Anna Lempereur.

You wouldn't last a day
in Cherkistan.

You always put me down,
slight me in public.

He can't understand!
I'm just saying the truth!

The truth is I found some meaning
and you hate it.

Stupid enough to quit my job.

Don't start that again.
He can't stay more than a week.

I want him gone.

He stays as long as he wants!

In 8 days, I call immigration.

I'll tell your clients you get
kickbacks from subcontractors.

You're a real bitch.

That makes two of us.

Welcome to France, Anton.


Romain, are you home?

Where did that moron go?

As early as the Balkan war,

he emerged victorious
from bloody battles.

Oh, I see.

Since the aborted coup in 2011,

several assassination attempts.

Oh shit, I see.

Hero for some, terrorist for others,
he is hidden in the mountains

ruling the Cherkistani revolt
with an iron fist.

Oh, I see.

Anton Miroslav.

That's me.


Oh shit, I see!

Voice mail.

Usually he answers for me.
I'm sure something happened.

I don't want to alarm you.

Maybe some Cherkistani jumped him
for his cell phone,

a Visa card, a little cash.

It's my fault. Put out an APB.

In 48 hours,
he'll be considered missing.

That's the law.
I need a recent photo.

I have x-rays, no photos.

- That him?
- No, my sister.

She was with me.
Maybe she saw him.

Dim, come over.

I need you to see someone.

I'm at the police station.

At Calais, my friend went missing.

Sorry I can't help you.
What do I do?

Call another doctor.

I need you. I'll explain.

I'll stop by tomorrow.

You're a peach, I love you. Kiss!

You look better.

I made some dinner.
Sit down.

Not small salad maybe?

I'm on a diet.

A diet? After 3 months
starving on a ship?

All right, but chew slowly.

Too long no meat.
Iron poor.

French beef?

Yes, of course.
Thirst too.

- What will you drink?
- Soy milk.


Good meat.

I'll get a napkin.

Are you OK?

Oh my God!
You're still very weak.

Better lie down.

Anton, can I come in?

No more fever.

I made you some herb tea.

I shall not speak or think

but infinite love
will swell in my soul

and I shall travel far, very far,
like a Bohemian

by nature,
happy as with a woman.

Arthur Rimbaud.

How beautiful, Anton.

You know?

Of course.
It's a love poem to Verlaine.

You study Rimbaud in Cherkistan?

That's how I loved
the French language.

With romantic author.

Sometimes life isn't fair.

Lovely to see you again.


Anton Miroslav.

Maybe speak French. More discreet.

What pride for me!

Too bad can't make photo.

You must eat.

You too, Anna.
You are my guests.

No, thank you.
Much meat yesterday.


Are you all right?

It tastes like home.

It's so, so good.

It's a cliché.

But your first time in Paris,
you must.

Are you sure, Anton?

I have to go alone.

It's too dangerous for you.

It's better, Anna,
not know too much.

Be very careful.

Come right back.

Rumor has it that you're dead.

Rumor is harder to defeat
than dictatorship.

We need you here.

I'm in no shape to travel.

And I need forged papers.

Contact Grigory.


For fever.

Four times daily, at most.

For infection, antibiotics.

You have to eat at the same time.
During meals.

Intestinal flora...

No, nothing.

Until it heals up.

This is your apartment.


Must have changed a lot since then.

I wish you could have
met my grandfather.

Igor Zvenka.
He would've been proud to know you.

Anna Zvenka,

need to have
honest talk with you.

No! Don't say a word.

I feel the same way
about you, but...

we mustn't. it's too trivial.
It would ruin everything.

I bought this long ago,
at a flea market.

I started alone, but...

Let's speak only Cherkistani, OK?

I've always wanted to learn.
This is my chance.

I said it wrong?

My accent isn't great?

Guarazd = OK

I need practice.

Small spelling mistake.

Maybe better, me first learn French.

Then you Cherkistani.

But you have a talent for French.

You understand most of what I say.

More than yesterday.


Teach me a little.

For example,

how do you say, "I love you"?

Guarazd means "OK".

I know that, but...

"I love you"...

Tsyboulya - porey = leeks

Tsyboulya - porey.

That's "leeks".

Sparja is asparagus.


- That's pumpkin.
- Pumpkin.

There's a misunderstanding.

In English...

Italian, Ti amo.

Te quiero in Spanish.
And in Cherkistani...?

Many different ways to say.

Fine, but the most common way.


Lovya, mintya.


Just my friends

for a "shop my closet" party.

I forgot to cancel.
I'll send them away.

Anna Lempereur-Zvenka here.
Leave a message at the tone.

Excuse me.

- Where was I?
- The plans.

Now, here...

Well, you take it...

Sorry, Anton.

And then, I break loose!

And I approach behind guard.

And him I strangle!

Up against bars.

I steal key
and I jump out of window.

Three stories!

Sprain ankle.

No problem.

No problem!

I turn. Eight soldiers.

Attacking me.


I run, run.
Zigzag through bullets.

Ow, ankle! Zigzag!

I jump in river.


Not move.

Not breathe in water.
Make bubbles.

Right, or they shoot at the bubbles.

Of course.

Swimming underwater.

Dark and swim.

Two bubbles, no more.

I touch boatsky.


I climb up.

Big screws.

There, a Russian vessel.

I go in France,
hiding bottom of ship.

And here I am.

What a story!

What a life!

More exciting
than a "shop my closet" party!

Thank you to Anna Zvenka,

who saved me from French police.

Great courage.

Bravo, Anna.

Don't applaud me.

It was my duty as a humanist.

Great men like Anton

are writing history
with a capital H.

Working for a just world.

I propose a toast,
to the hero of the Balkans!


It's all right, all right.

It's just Constance.
She's always late.

Raspberry! Come here!

Constance, this is embarrassing.
Could you get your dog?

Raspberry, heel!

Maybe they tortured him
using rabid Chihuahuas?

Yeah, maybe.

That's the first time
Raspberry scared someone.

He does seem very sensitive.

Good night, girls.
Mum's the word!

Don't worry!

People have phobias, Anton.

Even the bravest people.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

You're phobic about little dogs.
That's all.

Sure, in your case it's very...

You were very scared of Raspberry.


Wait, stop!

I had a wonderful night.

My best ever.

I don't feel guilty at all.

I'm even happy.

Thanks to you.

I know.
You're devoted to your cause.

No woman should stand in your way.


You must go back to the civil war.

It fills me with sorrow, but...

I'm already so lucky
to have these moments, just for us.

And forever.

Whatever happens after,

your love has changed me.

It's Dimitri.

He's my brother, a doctor.
I asked him to look at you.

He's not my husband,
he's my brother.

He came here for you.

Bring your dog?

Let me speak to the naked guy
in your guest room.

That's Anton Miroslav,

Cherkistani rebel leader,
in my home.

Come out.


It's fine, Anton.
There is no risk.

He's my brother.

A kind doctor.

Not need doctor.

Not need.

I feel something
powerful between you two.

See, Dimitri?
Can't deny your roots forever.

So you're the famous
Cherkistani rebel leader?

Anton's teaching me Cherkistani,
I'm teaching him French.

And he is... very gifted.

Dank ya.

Oh yeah.

He speaks very well.

Why hide under the bed?

I thought there was police.

No, was not police.

Was doctor.

- Want to examine him?
- Oh yes!

A thorough examination.
He could really use one.

I'll take him to the hospital.
He needs a brain scan.

Think so?

Yes. He's much sicker
than he looks.

Don't worry. My brother
will take good care of you.

I sure will.

Cognac, please. Nothing for him.

I was worried!
I reported you missing to the cops!

I feared the worst, where were you?

At my sister's, playing rebel!

She's the woman of my dreams.

No, she's my brother-in-law's woman.
And she'll stay that way!

No, she's crazy about me.

Not you, moron!
She's crazy about Miroslav!

Maybe, but with my looks
and my sensitivity.

I borrowed his story,

but love is about who you are,
not what you do.

- You told me that.
- Never.

You told me
to dress up the ordinary.

Not with my goddamn sister!

She mistook me for him.

If you had seen her eyes.

No woman ever
looked at me like that.

The most beautiful night of love
I've ever known.

You didn't sleep with my sister.

And without a condom.

Imagine me, without a condom!
I'm cured.

Romain, after all I did for you.

I'm sorry.

I'll go confess and apologize.

No way. She can't know
you're my patient.

Go say farewell
with your stupid accent

and call it quits.

She did so much.
I owe her the truth.

I can't lie to her anymore.

I'm going to hit you.

No, you're my doctor.
The Hippocratic oath!


Some ice in a dish towel, please.

Don't worry, it's all right!
I'm a doctor.

He's my patient. I got it.

How much?

That's him! Go get him!

Calm down, Mr. Lempereur.
You'll give us away.

- He's a highly trained soldier.
- Visual on the target.

Doesn't seem highly trained.

Maybe he already made us.

Arrest him already.
He might hurt my wife.

My God! He's raping her!

Go! This is rape!

Your wife's not resisting much.

Sure she's being held captive?

Stockholm syndrome.

Big T, Stockholm syndrome?

In 48 hrs? Negative.

Adultery syndrome.

What happened? Tell me.

Why did Dimitri leave you?
You're wounded.

I must speak you.
Say farewell.

Too risky now.
I leave forever.

I'll miss you so much.

- Farewell.
- Love me one last time.

All right.


Hands! Show me your hands!

Don't shoot.

Run, Anton!

Not on the carpet!

Let him go! He's a hero!
Let me go!

Go! Now!

Anton, I love you!

I love you, Anna!

- I'll get you out.
- Don't bother, my love.

You can't be extradited.
You face death in Cherkistan.

Administrative Detention Center

You're not the first foreigner
who's fluent in French.

Do I look like a revolutionary?

I'm not Anton Miroslav.
I'm Romain Faubert.

Romain Faubert, Anton Miroslav,

or Jean Valjean? Pick one!

That's nonsense.

I swear, I was born July 17, 1973
in the Paris suburbs.

I was born French.

- Prove it!
- I lost my ID.

- Sure.
- I didn't lose it.

The real Anton Miroslav
took my ID.

And Jean Valjean?

Where is he?

Jean Valjean is no one.

He's Victor Hugo.

How many of you are there?

Who is this Victor Hugo?

He's the author.

Of the forged ID's.

It's simple.

I posed as Miroslav,

he posed as me.
You arrested me instead of him.

He posed as me to enter France.

I for him,
and Jean Valjean by Victor Hugo,

for Anna Zvenka,
who's crazy about him.

Meaning me, because to her I'm him.

He doesn't care about her or me.
I care about her, not him. Anyway.

It's her brother's fault,
he took me to Calais.

He'll tell you
I'm me and not him

because he's not just her brother
but also my doctor.

You seem confused.
I feel like I lost you.

It worries me.

Hello, yeah.
Got her statement? Show her in.

- Who?
- Your accomplice.

This is wrong. He's a hero,
who's saving my homeland.

Free Cherkistan!

Forgive me, it's my fault.

No, it's mine.


forgive me.

Can you forgive me one day?

Your French is so good.

Yes, I'm not Anton Miroslav.

He's at my home.

I'm your brother's patient,
and his friend.

My name is Romain Faubert.

I'm a photographer,
for an online medical dictionary.

Doctoweb. Heard of it?

I couldn't tell you.

I loved you at first sight.
I was speechless.

I was so afraid
you wouldn't love me.

But you did love me.

For what I am.
Right, Anna? Just me.

Oh, don't cry.

I feel so stupid for lying.

I hate myself for it.

Anna, you know,

even great balloons are burst
with one little prick.


Ma'am, who is this man?

Miroslav, Faubert,
Victor Valjean or Jean Hugo?

Anton Miroslav.

There. Put him on ice.

Maximum security
until he's deported.

No, wait!

Let me go!
I'm not Anton Miroslav!

You're free, but don't leave France

pending investigation

of aiding an illegal immigrant
to enter the country.


Great. The scar is healing.

Keep taking the antibiotics.

Seeing the real one,
I feel so stupid.

How could I have been so naive?

- Where's Guillaume?
- His mother's.


For what? All we did was argue.
Now things are clear.

The false Miroslav was your patient?

Why didn't you tell me?

Under the bed,
I didn't recognize him.

Your own patient?

So many hypochondriacs!
I can't distinguish them all!


Like you didn't notice?

Liar, impostor, crook,

freeloader, sure.
Not hypochondriac.

He did make me...

No! No details.
Please, I don't want to know.

No images!

I'll call and have him released.
Then he'll be gone forever.

Wait a while.
They won't look for the real one.

I'm glad he's locked up
after what he put me through.

- Romain Faubert!
- Me, too.

Romain Faubert?

Miroslav, visitor.

No, I'm Romain Faubert.

Get over here!

This cell is very unsanitary.

Have it cleaned.

Then I'll shine your shoes!

No, thanks. Just the cell.

I'm your lawyer.

Any hand sanitizer, counselor?

I think I...

That how you say it?

I'm not Cherkistani.

- I know.
- Who told you?

You all say it.

You all lost your ID,
you ate your passport.

You forgot your homeland.

No, I didn't. I was born here.
In Issy-les-Moulineaux.

- Where?
- Issy-les-Moulineaux.

Yeah, that's original.

France won't extradite you
to the Paris suburbs.

Too close.

The suburbs are too close.

Never mind.

This is an enormous mistake.
Get me out of here.

You're leaving.

I'm free?

No, but your death sentence
has been commuted to life in prison.

- You won't be hanged.
- I'm being deported?

It's happening today.

We can argue that once you get there
you'll be tortured.

And stop the deportation?

No, but we'll show we didn't agree.

- Any kids in France?
- No, no kids.

I made love with no condom.

No. That's not enough, Mr. Miroslav.

Faubert. Listen,
contact Dimitri Zvenka.

- Your coyote?
- My doctor.

He's known me forever.

He'll testify, they'll let me go.

In detention,
you can have no outside contact.

- Even with police?
- Why the police?

My doctor reported me missing.

Find the cops
with the missing persons file.

Sorry. We must find the cops
who are looking for you.

Yeah, look for them
so they can find me.

I'm happy to see you.
You can't know how happy!

Now, you say you know
where Romain Faubert is?

Sure, right here. That's me.

I'm not here to get screwed with.

I'm not screwing with you.
I'm Romain Faubert!


This guy's used to
Eastern European tactics.

What did you do with Faubert?

That's enough, lighten up.

- A man's life is in danger.
- My life is in danger.

I don't want to be deported.

Give us Faubert, we'll suspend it.

Where is he?

He's right there, look!
The reflection.

That's him!

Romain Faubert, come here!
We're all looking for you!

He's a tough one. Very tough.

They're deporting Anton Miroslav

a Cherkistani
from the Paris suburbs.

Is it necessary to deport
a dangerous criminal?

A terrorist, who loves France

who was assimilating nicely.


Be right back.

What did you do?!

I called,
but he'd already been deported.

Let's just call
the French Embassy there.

The Embassy in Drassjna
closed in 2003.

France has no ties
with the Cherkistani dictatorship.

Shit. What do we do?

- Miroslav.
- What?



Oh yes, problem.

Miroslav! Miroslav!

Finally, a smart person.

No, I'm not his brother!

Romain Faubert.

I'm not Sergei!

Romain Faubert, not Sergei!
I don't know him.

Let me go.

I'm a French hypochondriac.

I'm too fragile to be here!

Send me back to Paris.

Lord, God. I understand now.

Stop this nightmare,
I'll never lie again.

I'm running a fever.

I'm sick and I have no Google.

There's no wi-fi?

I have to take my picture
for the "Eastern Europe Virus" page.

There's no water!

They'll catch us.
They're going to catch us.

You'll give us away.

Why do you get so excited?

You're forbidden to travel.
He's their most wanted rebel.


What kind of name is that?!

What? it's a very French name.

Cyrano Da Bergerac?

Leave me some.

I can't believe this. I'm a doctor.

With Cherkistani roots!

Not every Cherkistani doctor
breaks patients out of jail!

Too late to back out!

Why go? There are 5 of them!

It's our fault he's here!

You mean that's the only reason?

I missed you so much.

He's feverish.

Who cares?

I caught everything,
I have no more fear.

Germs are my friends.

He's not well.

Anna, you're here? Big hug!

- Who's he again?
- Anton Miroslav.

The real one.
He came to replace me. How nice.

Let's go.

Dimitri, run!

Anna, stay there!

Faubert! No!

Dimitri, are you all right?

- They shot me in the back!
- It's OK!

- I'll die in Cherkistan!
- No!

Dimitri, do something!
He saved you!

I'm wounded, too! I can't move.

I'm cold, Anna.
I can't feel my legs.

It'll be all right.
We'll get you home, and well.

Don't move me!

Listen to me.

I don't want to see my boring life
flash before my eyes.

It's your face. I want to see
your face one last time.

Smile. Stop crying.

Smile for me, I beg you.
That's it.

You're stunning right now.
You move me.

The woman of my dreams.
Even if it's all over now.

Don't say that.
You're going to live, my love.

It's too late.

You called me love?

- I love you, Anna.
- I love you, too.

Kiss me one last time.

One more time.


the final kiss.


- What is it?
- You're not hurt!

Don't hit me, wait.
I swear I felt I was slipping away.


I do have a fever!

I saved your brother, Jeez!

What now?

No, nothing. We're all set.

- You OK to travel?
- Yes, fine.

What now?!

You came to Cherkistan for me.

I didn't deserve it.
After all I put you two through.

No one ever risked his life for me.

And I was too afraid to risk mine.
I feel so stupid.

And so grateful.

That's all.

Don't tell me
you're in love with that maniac?

My worst patient!

I'll introduce you to others,
not as sick.

Not that one.

I've been his doctor 18 years.

And for 18 years,
he's made me sick.

Dank ya, Anton.

Dank ya, Romain.

Great men are the ones who have heart.


The real Miroslav is so handsome!
That's a real man.

Look at him.

You can see the difference. Look!

Not even close, right?

He's Cherkistani, like Grandpa.
And besides...

Oh shit.

That's how I met
the woman of my dreams.

Crazy story, right?

Even crazier
was explaining to the judge

that I was arrested as Jean Valjean
and deported as Anton Miroslav,

who returned to Cherkistan
as Cyrano de Bergerac.

Not very legal.

But the French police wasn't proud

of issuing an arrest warrant
in the name of Victor Hugo,

so we finally reached a settlement.

I did nothing wrong!

At my wedding I thought of Marc,
who would've been so proud of me.

Married at 40, man.

Especially that mandatory
pre-nuptial blood test.

The only problem I didn't foresee
about getting married

is you must kiss everyone
and everyone wants to kiss you.

But there it is, I was cured.

Divorced from my medicines
and married for real.


You're right,
we're no longer friends!

- Oh?
- We're brothers-in-law!

My doctor is now
my brother-in-law!

My sister-in-law!

- I'll call you Nora now?
- Sure.

Come, my love.

So... we won't hear from him again?

We won't see him often.

- Pretty clear.
- What?

You couldn't sleep with him,
so you foisted him on your sister.

Told you not to marry a shrink!

You never listen to Mom!

Come on, Mom.

The end

of the pregnancy

Pregnancy Giving birth

Push, push.

You can see the head!

Just one more push.

Diaper Rash

Sandbox Hygiene

Spring Allergies

Foot bath
Staying Clean in the Pool

Don't worry. We back up
and jump it on 3, OK?

One, two...


Save my child!

How long was he underwater?

He wasn't underwater.

- Didn't drown?
- Slipped in the foot bath!

He drank a sip of foot bath juice!

- A sip of water is all?
- All?! Foot bath juice!

Where people stick disgusting feet!

What kind of retarded paramedics
are you?

aren't what they used to be.

- Know where Dad's taking you?
- To Uncle Dimitri's!

You're so bright, hon.

Subtitles by Michael Katims

Subtitling: C.M.C.