Super Troopers (2001) - full transcript

Thorny, Mac, Rabbit, Foster and Farva are Vermont state troopers out to have a good time. Stationed in a remote area near the Canadian border, the troopers, avid pranksters with an affinity for syrup, have a knack for screwing up on the job. But when budget cuts in the town of Spurbury threaten their livelihood and pit them against arch-rival Spurbury P.D., the five friends try to straighten up and fly right. That is, until a dead body is discovered and a possible drug ring is unearthed. The super troopers spring into action attempting to solve the crime, save their jobs, and outdo the local police department.

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No, man, I'm just saying'...
I'm sayin' if... if you own

the beach property, right...

- Mm-hmm?
- Do you own, like,

the sand and the water?

Nobody owns the water.
God owns... It's God's water.

What if someone walks onto your beach, right?

Let's say if you do own it.

No, man, you don't own the beach.

What you own is sand on the beach, man.

Here. Here, man.

What if there's a naked girl on the beach?



That girl's not yours. You don't own the girl.

What if she breaks her foot on your property?

She could sue me.

Sue me! Sue me!

- Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- Holy shit!

Ditch it, man! Ditch it!

- Dude, can you eat it?
- The whole bag?

Fuck it!

Hey, Mike, um,
while you're at it?

- Those are 'shrooms, dude!
- Come on, man, just eat it!

Mike, uh...

- I hate to ask, but, uh... for the team?
- I can't eat that!

- No! Throw it out the window!
- Okay! Okay! Okay!

All right, I'm doin' a drop.



- I'm goin' for a drop.
- Just opening the window.

- It's gone. It's gone.
- We're cool. It's cool.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

- We're dead!
- All right, all right.

Windows down! Windows down!

Windows down!
Put the windows down!

All right, we're cool.
We're cool.

God, did you see that?

It must have been,
like, a double homicide

or something fuckin' cool.

- We was freakin' out, man.
- Man, I almost had a heart attack.

Mike, you didn't eat both those bags,
did you?

Come and get it.

You must have eaten, like,
a hundred bucks worth of pot...

and, like, 30 bucks worth of shrooms, man.

Who's the man?

So, I'm gonna... I'm gonna need
130 buck, you know...

whenever you get a chance.

- Fuck, man.
- That... That's not really cool, man.

Is that the same car, man?

- D... Do I look high?
- Yeah.

Here they... Here they come.

Lick on it.
Just lick it or somethin'.

Be cool, be cool.

License and registration.

Uh, Officer, I know that...

License and registration, please.

The regis...

- You know how fast you were goin'?
- What?

- How fast you were goin'?
- Uh, 65?

- Sixty-three.
- Officer, isn't... isn't

the speed limit 65?

Yeah, it is.

- Where you boys headed?
- Canada.

C... Canada. We're goin'
over the border to Canada...

- for some French fries and gravy, sir.
- Poutine.

Canada, huh? Almost made it.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, sure.

- Yes, sir?
- Yes, sir.

- No, did you say, "Yes, sir"?
- I think he said, "Yeah, sure."

- What'd you say, man?
- Well, I said, "Yeah, sure,"

but what, literally, I said
was, "Yeah, sure, sir."

- So you are okay then?
- Yes, sir.

You smell somethin', Rabbit?

Fear.

Now hand over that registration.

Yes, sir.
My mother's gonna kill me.

Holy, shit. This is... This is... This is...
Don't look. Don't look.

- Oh, my God.
- I don't get it, man.

Am I fucked up or is this fucked up, man?

This shit is fuckin' crazy.

Shit, man. I was just
about to pull out my Nine...

and put a cap in that pig's ass.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God!

Shit!

Fuck!

Pull the vehicle over!

- I'm... I'm already pulled over, man!
- Pull over farther, man!

I can't pull over...
Sir, I'm already pulled over!

He's already pulled over!

He can't pull over any farther!

License and registration, please.

- But I... I just gave you it, Officer.
- License and registration.

You know how fast you were goin'?

- Uh, sixty-five?
- Sixty-three.

I'm freakin' out, man.

You are freakin' out, man.

You want to know why I pulled you over?

- Littering.
- Officer, that... that's not ours.

- Candy bars!
- Littering and... Littering and...

- And, uh...
- Littering and...

Littering and, uh... Littering and, uh...

Littering and, uh...

Littering and smoking the reefer.

Now to teach you boys a lesson,
Officer Rabbit

and I are gonna stand here...

while you three smoke the whole bag.

Please, no.

- Please, yes...
- Fuckin' pig!

Mother of God.

Whoo!

We're in high-speed pursuit of a white Miata

headin' southbound on 2-9-4.

Request back-up.

Unit 91, come in, 91.
Unit 91, come in, 91.

What are you doing out there, 91?
Quit counting your pubes out there.

We got a hell-raiser in a white Miata.

Ninety-one, are you there?
Ninety-one?

Ninety-one, are you there?

Hey, good-lookin'.
You catch any speeders today?

- Whoo!
- What the fuck!

Let's go, 91.

Rabbit, get that gun out!

Aw, Mac, you fucker!

Greetings.

- You guys are too slow.
- You killed my dummy.

Mac, now I'm gonna pay you.
But I shouldn't, 'cause I knew

it was you the whole time.

Thorny, don't lie in front of the rookie.

It sets a bad example.

- Foster, where are your shoes?
- What, are you the shoe police now?

I am, and you owe me
20 laps around the bar. Let's go.

Your black magic only works on the rookie.

That's brown magic.

- Pay up.
- When do I get to do that?

You'll get your chance,
Rook. Shots?

- Yeah.
- That's a lot of booze.

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- I'm impressed.

Jesus!

Sorry, boys, you're on duty.

- On your tab, Officer Womack?
- Rookie, pay the lady.

Unit 23. Come in, 23.

Unit 23. Come in, 23.

Do you need me out there?
Do you need my assistance?

- Shut up, Farva.
- I can be there...

Listen, we got the Miata.
We're okay.

What about those dopers you picked up?

Do you need my assistance?

The snozberries taste like snozberries.

- Oh, shit!
- He killed the cops!

- Oh, shit!
- He killed the cops!

- Get out of the car, man!
- This is a cop car!

- Hello.
- You boys like Mexico?

Yeeeee-hoooooo!

One, two, three, do it!

Oh, go, girlfriend.
I'm your mother.

Come on, Thorny. You're losing to
the rookie. It's embarrassing.

Come on, Rabbit. You can do it.

Oh, Rabbit, he's killing you.
I got Thorny in front by a lot.

What's the matter, your mama
didn't teach you how to chug?

Come on, Thorn. Come on, Thorn.

Goddamn it.

I am all that is man.

- Every time.
- Finish it up.

See, there you have it.
You're doing it all wrong.

You gotta open your throat, relax the jaw.

Don't forget to cup the balls.
You're never gonna win...

with those thin little
bird lips you got there.

This guy's got these big old powerful lips.

Am I correct, Thorn?

So much of my authority is
derived from the power right here.

Hey, guys.

Wow.

- Uh, do you have any more syrup?
- Sorry, Urs.

Why couldn't they chug ketchup?

It's a good thing you
didn't order hash browns.

I mean,
if they had been chugging the ketchup.

You get the score of that
Red Sox game last night?

- I turned it off just after...
- Ah, waiter. There you are.

I will have the enchilada platter
with two tacos and no guacamole.

- Smy?
- Yeah, Chief, I'll take a chinchilla.

I don't get it. Tacos?

They think I'm Mexican.

You're not Mexican?

Another highway cop?
What, are you guys multiplying?

Yeah, if they can figure
which hole to stick it in.

Ah, what the fuck?

- Hey, I saw that!
- Sit down, Rando.

That's it!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
All right, all right!

- Cut it out, you turkeys!
- He fuckin' started it!

I'm sorry, Bruce. These boys
get that syrup in them...

they get a little antsy in their pantsy.

You just can't keep them under control.

You should keep these
dogs on a leash, John.

Let's go.

♪ A-number one top gun cadets ♪

♪ In the name of justice
John Q Public can trust us ♪

♪ Hail to thee dear old Paroon ♪

- Hail to thee!
- Hail to thee!

- Hail to thee!
- Hey, all right!

Hey, what's up, bone diddlies?
Did I miss the song?

Sing it again, rookie biatch.

Farva.

- Forgot the coffee.
- My bad, Cap.

All right, all right.
Let's get started.

I got the latest shit list, gentlemen.

It's down to Flagstone,
Deer Lick and us.

And if we keep up these low numbers,
you can bet your sweet butts...

we're gonna get the big, ugly axe.

- Who'll bust heads on the highway?
- The goddamn local cops, that's who!

And you better believe
that Grady and his goons...

have got a copy of this list,
so we need to step it up.

Who wants cream?

Nobody? Okay, no cream.

Foster, how many tickets
did you issue last week?

Uh, I don't have my figures
here in front of me.

Three.

- I can't make 'em speed.
- Try hidin'.

And grow a goddamn moustache,
why don't ya?

I haven't shaved in two weeks.

- I'm growin' mine.
- Oh, you're growin' yours, are ya?

I'll tell you when
it's time to grow a moustache.

Coffee's served!

Oh, no! That's Rabbit's.
That's Rabbit's.

- I get it. It's Rabbit's.
- Oh, look, a bar of soap.

Oh, shit!
I got you good, you fucker!

- Awesome prank, Farva.
- Better than the crap you pull, Frank.

- Look, fellas...
- Bite it, Rook.

Make him look like a dick.

Every Thursday night I walk
into the Lodge to play Hearts...

and they always have my
Old-Fashioned just waiting there.

- I like that. I like it here.
- Bite it. Bite...

Oh, hell!
Give me the goddamn soap!

We got 50 miles of highway here.
That stretch of highway is ours.

I'll be damned if I'll let
Grady and those butt heads

get their hands on it!

Thorny, you're the ranking officer here.

Let's do your jobs
and keep this place open, huh?

Let's do it. Farva!

Your suspension continues.
Hit the radio.

Oh, yes.

Oh. Oh, local Smokeys on our turf.

All right, hit it.

See, that's what O'Hagan
was talking about.

Hi. You guys forget what colour your car is?

- Bye-bye.
- Later, dude.

- Bye-bye.
- Later, dude.

All right, how about 'Cat Game'?

Cat Game?
What's, uh, what's the record?

Thorny did six...

- but I think you can do ten.
- Ten?

Starting right meow?

- Uh, sorry about that.
- All right, meow...

hand over your license and registration.

Your registration?
Hurry up meow.

Sorry.

There somethin' funny here, boy?

No, no, no.

Well, then, why you laughing,
Mr. Larry Johnson?

- All right meow, where were we?
- Are you saying "meow"?

Am I saying 'meow'?

- I... I... I thought...
- Don't think, boy.

Meow, do you know how
fast you were going?

Meow, what is so damn funny?

I could have sworn you said "meow".

Do I look like a cat to you, boy?

Am I jumping around all
nimbly-bimbly from tree to tree?

- No. No.
- Am I drinkin' milk from a saucer?

- No.
- Do you see me eatin' mice?

Now you stop laughin' right meow.

Yes, sir.

Meow, I'm gonna have to
give you a ticket on this one.

- But...
- No "buts" meow. That's the law.

It's not so funny meow, is it?

Meow!

Ooo-wee-ooh!

Thanks for washing my car, Rook.

- You know what this is?
- A chamois cloth?

Ha! Lucky guess.
I just lost a buck...

to myself.

- Think that's funny, do you?
- Yeah, I do.

Also heard something funny
about how you got suspended.

Something about a school bus full of kids?

Oh, you heard that, did ya?
Let me tell you another

funny story, New Jack.

Back in '74...

the great Charlie Rich was
named Country Musician of the Year.

Then in '75, he had to hand
the award off to the new one.

And you know who that was?

Mr. "Sunshine on My Goddamn Shoulders",

John Denver.

- Really?
- Yeah. Can you believe it?

- Wow!
- Replaced by John Fuckin' Denver.

- Amazing.
- Yeah.

Well, I'll be damaged
if Mr. Rich didn't pull out

his cigarette lighter right there...

and light that award on fire
in front of everyone.

Do you get it?

So you're saying you'll set
my Country Music Award on fire?

I'm saying when my suspension's up,
you better watch your ass.

Or you'll light my ass on fire?

You wanna go, Mister?
You wanna take one?

Make your first move.

Hey!
I hate to break up the honky convention,

but we got a 10-92.

You wanna take this one, Rod?

Hell, yeah!

I bet you do... Ohh!

Nice wax job, Rook.

- Thank you, sir.
- You...

What the hell is this?
We got local pigs runnin' around?

How'd the locals beat us here?
We're, like, ten miles out.

Look at this chump.
Oh, Mr. Tough Guy here.

Take a walk, buddy, take a walk.

Holy shit!
It's a cool Winnebago.

My Uncle Denny used
to have one just like this.

Rabbit, put your game face on.

You got it, boss.

- Hey, what the fuck?
- Oh-oh!

Oh, yes.

Oh, man! What happened here?

Take a walk, sonny.

This investigation is already under control.

Well, now it is.

- Hey!
- Don't touch the crime scene, rodent!

Rabbit. Hey, look at that.
Johnny Chimpo.

- Quit slappin' me.
- Would you stop touching

my rookie, Grady?

Hey, I'll touch you.

This is the Spurbury Police.
Put your hands up

and come outta there!

Get the fuck out of here!

- Glamour pet.
- Okay, let's cruise.

No dice. Get your tape.

Sounds like y'all have a hog problem.

Oh, watch it, Mac.

Mac, I'm serious.
Be careful, Mac. He's angry.

- He's angry? Well, hello.
- Hey, mark it off.

- Smy, you mark it off.
- Back it up, Grady. I'm serious.

What's the point? Didn't you guys
get shut down already?

Oh, yeah, that's next week.

Your bust. You know there's
a dead chick in there?

Move it, Ramashit!

- Take it up with O'Hagan!
- Fight, fight, fight!

Mac.

Get off of me! Get off!

I'll give you the fat guy for Foster and, uh...

how about that stupid guy for Rabbit?

Well, you're gonna have
to be more specific.

They're both kinda fat and stupid.

Get these damn handcuffs
off now, Ramathorn!

- Cut him loose.
- Go ahead, Smy.

You want to tell me what bug
crawled up your big ass, Grady?

Yeah, I will tell you.
This is our crime scene.

We are takin' it.

It's highway.
It's our jurisdiction.

No. No.

This highway is closed.
This is our jurisdiction.

Aw, fuck it.
You deal with the hog.

Hey, Chief.

What in hell's gotten into you guys?

I told you to be good.
I told you this was a bad time.

But you go ahead and get into
a battle royale with the locals

at a crime scene.

- What? But they started that fight.
- Of course they started the fight.

Now they've taken
a jurisdictional grievance against us.

They want us to blow it.

I mean,
a murder on the highway...

and you give them the investigation.

Christ! We look like a bunch of pussies.

All right, come on out, Rabbit.

I guess I just go take a shower then, huh?

Ow!

Strike three!
You're out of there!

All right, good cut, Ruthie.
Good cut. Come on.

Next batter! Batter up!
Next batter! Let's go.

But, Thorn,
if they do shut you down...

maybe you could stick around here?

I don't know,
get a different job?

You can always come work in my shop.

Yeah, retired cop goes to work for his
hippie girlfriend in her head shop.

Too sitcom, darlin'.

Okay. You better pay
attention, Coach. Our son's up.

All right, Arlo.
Watch the ball. Get a hit.

You got it.

- Let's do it.
- All right, Arlo.

Whoa!

- Hey, you gotta keep on your toes.
- Do somethin' about that, ref.

Sorry-ass local cops.

You think you have a nice
relationship with someone...

based on professional courtesy
and mutual boredom.

The next thing you know,
they're trying to take you out.

What? What?

I don't wanna get transferred.

Have to go be a rookie again
with a bunch of random dudes.

Don't worry about it.

If it happens, we'll, uh,
we'll all just stay here,

open up a roller disco.

Throw him the heat. Bring it on.

Uh, anybody want a corn dog?

See if they got any chocolate bananas.
Foster?

Ohh!

Hey, Charlie's Angel.

Hey, congratulations.
You're the one millionth

person to say that to me.

- Oh. What do I win?
- Ooh. Um...

Ahh. There you go.

Hope I don't get brain freeze.

I'm not sure you've got
the required equipment.

So, listen, I, um, had a really good
time at that Winnebago fight.

Maybe, uh, I don't know,
we could do it again sometime.

All right, all right.
Fair is fair.

You can slug me back if you want to.

- Really? Okay.
- Yeah.

Hold my snow cone.

- Okay.
- Heads up!

Hey, what happened over there?

What? Wh... Why?

How about a little pep, hmm?

From those guys over there.

Assholes.

You want to move that,
buddy. Now!

- So, about my field time.
- Yeah, yeah. I've been

thinkin' a lot about that.

I think I might be able
to talk to Grady for you.

- Pink stick, eat it or lose it.
- Hey, shut your pie hole, buddy.

I mean,
because I'm ready to go out on patrol.

I'm goin' nuts being on
the radio all the time.

I'd like to get some field work.

Yeah? Why don't you take your radio
and go stand in a field.

Move that gigantic cotton candy!

Goddamn it! How's the view
from sugar heaven, bitch?

Hi. I'm looking for Chief Grady.
I have some files for him.

Grady's not here.
I'll take the file.

It's kind of important.
How about Officer Rando?

Nope.

What do you need?
I'm the only one here?

There are no male officers around?

Just give me the file.

What's this?

So you originally from Vermont or, uh,
or what?

You know, you've got a lot of
courage, walkin' into the lion's den.

- Oh, I got brass buns.
- Mm. You should join the band.

What are your cells,
eight by eight?

Ours are nine by nine.
No big deal.

Listen, you seem like a really nice guy,
but I just don't date cops.

I'm not much of a cop, really.
More like a civilian

trapped in a cop's body.

Oh. Well, I hear you can
get an operation for that.

But then, I guess you'd miss out on all
those wacky things you highway guys do.

Yeah, those stories about us
are mostly lies, really.

Except for the one about how
we pulled over AC/DC's bus...

and then they flew us down
to Jamaica to party with them;

that one's true.

But, yeah, other than that,
it's pretty boring out there.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't know.

All right, it's probably time
for you to get out of here.

- I don't want to get fired too.
- Oh, I'm not getting fired.

I'm gettin' shut down.
That's a big difference.

In our cells,
the door is over here.

Right.

A couple of hyenas.

Well, you know,
they are speeding.

- Come in, Radio.
- Don't call me Radio, Unit 91.

Then don't call me Unit 91, Radio.

- Are you done?
- Yeah, okay, Radio.

We got a suspicious vehicle.
White Caprice, Vermont plates.

Tijuana-Gringo-Water-Fiver-Zero.

- Roger. Checking.
- Thank you, Radio.

Unit 91, that license plate belongs
to a local Spurbury police vehicle.

It does? Oh, my God!

- Very funny, 91.
- Thank you, Radio.

Whoa! Looks like that truck's planning on

skipping the weigh-in.

Yeah, well, you don't weigh in,
you don't wrestle.

Whoa! What's this jack-off doin;

trying to pull him over?

There's no fuckin' way that is happenin'.

- What the hell's he doin'?
- I got somethin'.

Yeah. That's right, doofus.
Move it along.

You, uh, wanna do "Repeat"?

Why, do you wanna do 'Repeat'?

No. I've been thinking a lot
about what the captain said.

I'd like to play it
straight this time, okay?

Okay.

- For O'Hagan.
- For O'Hagan.

Good morning.

Would you mind stepping down from there
with your license and registration?

- Sure. I was just...
- Good morning.

Would you mind stepping down from there
with your license and registration?

- Yeah. No problem.
- Excuse me one second.

No.

Excuse me one second. No.

Did, uh, I do something wrong, officers...

because I know I wasn't speeding.

- Why didn't you weigh in?
- Yeah, why didn't you weigh in?

Did I miss that weigh station?

They got me runnin' so many miles...

I just must have dazed out and well...

I'll pull into the next one
and get weighed up, okay?

- What are you pulling back there?
- What are you pulling back there?

Well, uh,
mostly just soap, I think.

- Why don't we take a look?
- Why don't we take a look?

Listen, Officers, I'm on a really
tight schedule. I really need to...

Let's go, Mr. Galikanokus.

Well, you heard him.
Let's go, Mr...

Mr. Galonukum.

Hop on up.

Okay-silly-dilly-dokey-o.
I'm an idiot.

Yeah, that's true.

Sorry about the light there.

I have a flashlight in the cab.

- Hey! Mr. Galikanokus!
- Whoa!

Mr. Galikanokus!

- We should have seen that comin'.
- We should have seen that comin'.

- It is time to stop now, Mac.
- It is...

time to stop now, Mac?

And that was the second time I got crabs.

- Awesome.
- Afternoon.

- Hey.
- Hey.

It stinks like sex in here.

What happened?

We got a little distracted by
somebody doin' the Repeater.

- Huh. That'll happen.
- That will happen.

Well, you did it this time.

Fishin' your car out
of Lake Leblanc right now.

Oh, man.

Nah, we just parked it across the street.

All right, listen. Next time
this kind of thing happens...

I want you to stop,
take a deep breath...

and pull your heads out of
each other's asses, would ya?

Language.

It's easy for you to say, you know.
He's got a tiny little head.

Yeah.

What's this guy movin'?

Soap, I think.

Reefer.

Whoo-hoo!
That's one stinky pyramid.

We should've built a
stinky igloo and climb in.

- That's a lot of pot.
- Thinkin' back to your tour days

with the dead, Rabbit?

- Better lock this shit up, huh, buddy?
- What are you talkin' about, man?

Enhance.

Enhance. Enhance.

Just print the damn thing!

All right, what do we know
about this Galikanokus guy?

It's a fake name, fake license.

- Bunty Soap?
- Fake soap company.

What, plastic fake?
Decorative fake? What?

No, like they don't exist.

So, we got 150 kilos
of marijuana and no arrests.

We got nothin'.

I got a theory, Cap.

These, uh, bales of pot, they have that
red Johnny Chimpo sticker on them.

And that dead woman in the Winnebago had
the same logo tattooed on her back.

See, a lot of drug dealers
use stickers to mark their products.

Like a brand name.

See! Where'd you learn that,
Cheech? Drug school?

Shut up, Farva.

Did that bag you pulled off those
college kids have that sticker?

Um...

I don't believe it did.

Was there any marijuana
on that Winnebago?

Nope.

A monkey tattoo.
Sounds kinda flimsy.

What's the significance
of this John Chimpo fella?

Uh, well, you know those really
cheap Japanese cartoons?

No? This is basically
a cheaper Afghani knock-off.

It's this monkey that basically
travels around the world...

uh, doing nasty things.

His butler tries to keep him in line, but, uh...

No.

It's really funny, Cap.
It's Afghanistanimation.

The monkey has a butler? Great.

Is that what they do in Arabia, Thorny?

How the hell should I know?

All right. Somebody get me
a VTR copy of this thing.

I'll talk to Grady, see if he'll let
us take a look at the Winnebago.

All right.
You ready for the photo shoot?

Okay, fellas, let's take it.

- Pull down your pants.
- Shut up, Farva, you idiot.

Come on, do it.

John. I'm not interrupting, am I?

Mad Timber!

- No. Come in, come in.
- Good work, gentlemen,

all the way around.

- Could I get in on that?
- Sure. Why not?

Excuse me. Good work.
Good work, Officer.

Hey.

You're gonna have a hard time
shutting us down now,

right, Mr. Mayor?

We got a murder one day,
a drug bust the next.

I'm thinkin' we need
as much police as we can get.

- That'd be a good slogan, wouldn't it?
- Mm-hmm.

Tell that to the budget committee.

I just got off the phone
with Governor Jessman...

and she's gonna be swinging through here
on her way to Burlington.

Give me a gun, huh,
to hold for the pictures.

- Rabbit, run. Gun.
- And, John...

as far as this brawling with
the local police is concerned...

It won't happen again, Bill.
I'm onto it.

Good.

'Cause when the governor shows up,
I'm gonna throw her a little party.

We're gonna let her know just how this
community feels about its law enforcement.

Spread it on!

Come on, Dad! Faster! Faster!

So what's the deal with you and Bobbi?

Come on, Dad! Dad?

You guys are goin' out, but you,
um, sleep with other people?

Well, I mean, yeah.
Not really. Kind of.

It's sort of a long story,
all right?

Well... Hey, Arlo, does Mom
ever have any friends over?

- Any older boys?
- Can't we turn the siren on?

In a minute, all right?
Are you listening?

Does she have anyone over
that maybe you call uncle?

Like Uncle Fred?

Uncle Fred? Who's Uncle Fred?

He's this crazy bird on TV.

He's crazy.
He flies around like a pigeon.

Oh, right.

Uncle Freddy, he's great.
He's a crazy bird.

Okay.

We got one.

You wanna take this one, kid?

- What about you?
- I gotta stay with little A.

- You're okay, right?
- Sure.

- Go on. Make mama proud.
- All right.

Yeah, Farva, I got a Porsche,
brown, Washington plates...

- Eight-Donna-Peanut-Eunuch.
- Roger. Checking.

Kill it.

Can I please see your license and registra...

I'm sorry, Officer,
for the speeding violation.

I am so used to driving on the Autobahn.

Uh... What?

He looks like Sean Cassidy, doesn't he?

Yeah, I agree. Yummy, yummy.

Nicht?

Do you know why I pulled you over?

Because we were driving way too fast.

- Ja.
- Ja.

Officer,
this is a major problem...

because I cannot afford another
ticket with mein Porsche.

Is there maybe something
I can do for you, hmm?

Or maybe my wife...

could do for you to avoid this dilemma?

Is there maybe something
you would like me to do to you?

Or maybe something you would
like to do to me? Hmm?

Uh, 'cause you were doing 90 in a 65.

Perhaps some spanking
or cuffing is in order.

Could you hold on a minute?
Just a minute. I'll be right back.

Oh, the methodical police has a big trunk.

- Twenty-three, that Porsche is hot.
- Are you sure?

Rabbit!

Rabbit?

- Please, Thorn, not now. No.
- He can join too, if you like.

- Get over here.
- Tickle, tickle.

- Ja.
- Hold on a second.

Just one second, huh?

- What?
- Farva said that car is stolen.

What? Stolen?

- Shit!
- Is there a problem, officers?

Hold on! Come on, Thorn,
I need this.

Look, kid, any other day,
I'd step in here

and show you how to swing.

But the car's stolen.

Goddamn it!

You got to get over there
and you got to cuff her.

Do it!
You're a highway patrolman.

Cut it out! Do it.

Now turn that off
and step out of the car, sir.

- This is no problem, hmm?
- Put your hands on the car and spread 'em.

- Ah, now some fun for both of us.
- Get back in the car!

Rabbit, get over there and cuff her.

- Up against the car.
- Ma'am, I hate to do this

to you, but would you...

would you please put
your hands behind your back?

Now things are getting kinky.

Arlo!

- I love your...
- I'm on the radio.

Come in, Farva.

Arlo! Rabbit! Let's go!

Climb up on Uncle Rabbit's lap, Arlo, okay?

I don't think that's
such a good idea, Thorn.

Uh, right.

Okay, why don't you just
sit in the middle, buddy?

Ursula, what the fuck?
There's no T.P. in the bathroom.

What about the piece stuck to your shoe?

What about the piece stuck to my shoe?

Shit!

You know, you might get ahead around here
if you made the extra effort.

Why? Do you want me to wipe your ass?

That's not what I...

Well, around my house,
my wife knows to refill the T.P.

- I'm not your wife, Smy.
- No. And if you were,

I'd take you down a peg or two.

Ooh.

Hi, douche bag.

You know, if you were my wife...

I'd massage your feet every
night until you fell asleep.

Nice try.

He strangles her and
puts her face in pig food?

What an asshole.
Got any I.D. on the corpse?

Yeah. Jane Doe. Do you know her?

Oh, we're working on it.

It's called routine police work.

Apparently, she had a cartoon
monkey tattooed on her back.

John Chimpo, I'm told.

And those cannabis bags in our truck...

those stickers had the same monkey logo.

So we think there might be
some kind of connection.

Are you suggesting that a cartoon
monkey is bringing drugs into our town?

Look, I know we don't like each other.

I like you.

Come on! I'm looking
for a little cooperation here.

John Chimpo.

Hanson, could you round up,
uh, Johnny Chimpo...

and, uh, Jerry Giraffe
and Arty the Alligator

and bring them in for a line-up.

- Thanks, sweetie.
- Sounds like they're having fun.

That's what happens when you start
hanging out with a state trooper.

We show you the funny.

Well, where were we?

Uh, you were laying your best rap on me
and I was resisting.

But you were starting to think about it.

I told you.
I don't touch highway hog.

Baby, I'm Sizzle Lean.

I scratched your back, Bruce.
I scratched it good and hard.

Now, either you scratch my back
or you're gonna get my size ten

boot up your ass!

Desperation is a stinky cologne, John.

Let's see. You are an expendable
line item on a state spending bill.

You have a station full of crappy cops.

I am about this far away
from having a bigger budget.

And now, you come in here talking about...

monkey tattoos on some drunk lady's tit
like it's a goddamn drug conspiracy.

Keep your bags packed, John. Let us
handle the real police work, huh?

Uh, John, when you do get shut
down, you come back, talk to me.

I can always use a good meter maid.

Let it roll.

Come and get me, Mac.

- See you later, sucker!
- Ohh! Ohh! Fuck!

Can't catch the Rabbit.

- Damn it!
- Out of the car!

Out of the car, scumbag!

Well, hello, Shirley.

Come on, Farva, man.
Same team. Same team.

What's Thorny going to say, Rook?

Honestly, Bobbi.
I think it's gonna happen.

We don't want to leave, Thorn.
We really like this town.

I'll probably just get
sent down to Brattleboro.

It's a nice town.

I don't think it's
a healthy time for him to move.

He's got a lot of real good friends here.

Who? That creepy kid with the lisp?

Hey. Stop jumping on the bed.

Look, I don't want to go without you.

- Then you should stay here.
- But I can't if they transfer me.

Hey, stop jumping on the bed.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

Hey, honey, it's almost Mitternacht, huh?

Uhh. We really should
be getting back to the jail.

You don't want us turning into pumpkins.

Thorn, can't they just stay a little longer?

All right.
Who wants a moustache ride?

- I want one. I want one!
- I do! I do! I do!

- Spurbury Police.
- Oh, thank the Lord.

Thank the Lord. It's terrible.

Oh, there's a disgusting
pervert flashing people.

Ma'am, I need you to calm down.

I can't calm down!
You calm down! Oh, my God!

- Ma'am, tell me your location.
- He's right in front of the building...

on 323, uh, Karuna Street.

- That's this address, ma'am.
- Oh, well, then, maybe you can see him.

He's right in front of the building.
Go look. I'll hold.

Whoo-aaah!

Did you see him?
Oh, he's disgusting.

- He certainly is, ma'am.
- Oh, I think he's going to the window again.

Whoo-ooo-ooo!

Oh, the humanity!
He's so bulgy. He's like a moose.

Oh, no! I think he's going back again.

Freeze, motherfucker!

Oh, God! Please don't shoot me.
I... I'm naked.

Drop your coat and grab your toes.

- What?
- I'm gonna show you

where the wild goose goes.

Oh, this isn't happening.
I... I... I'm a police officer. Ursula, help!

Baby, I'm gonna butter your bread.

You don't have these at your station?

I don't suppose you got a pair of fresh
underwear I could borrow?

I'm not sure you could fit into my panties.

You know, you can't tell
anybody about this.

I already told my mom about you.

- Shit!
- Baby, you rocked me.

Wow! What is this?

Rabbit, you're off the road!

- It's a good move, Cap.
- Shut up, Farva!

Rabbit, you're on radio.
Farva, you're ridin' with Thorny.

- Wait a minute...
- What do you want me to do about it?

My hands are tied!
It's all over the police band!

Rabbit, you couldn't have
picked a worse time!

I got a Q-17 request form today.

We have to inventory our equipment.

Which means our balls are
this close to the band saw.

What are you sellin',
Mac, hot dogs?

- There's a new billboard.
- Casino le Fantastique?

Let me guess.

You just humped the mayor's wife
and burnt down City Hall.

I'll do you one better, Captain.

So I'm walkin' down
by the local police station,

minding my own business.

But there's something funny in the air.

I feel like I just gotta
get into that Winnebago.

So after I jimmy the door,
I do a quick recon.

Bullshit.

I can see there's something
not right about that bed.

- So I busted it in.
- Bullshit.

And just sittin' there
were ten huge duffel bags

of these mothers.

Let me get this straight.
You went into the impound,

scaled the fence...

broke into the Winnebago and
smashed the bed, all on a hunch?

I'll believe that when me shit turns
purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.

What? Do you think I just grew this weed?

How could you know to
look underneath the bed?

It must have been my sixth...
or even my seventh sense.

You know, Rabbit, a good cop doesn't
really know why he does anything.

- Disregard that, Rabbit.
- And you didn't even think

to call in your partner?

So these local mothers
have got a hundred keys

of chiba and don't even know it?

Not a clue. It's totally hidden.

And Grady's walkin'
around like he's hot soup.

All right, we got a chance here.

But we got to beat these
guys to the punch.

Mac, you and Foster
check out the truck stops...

and find out what you can
about Galikanokus and Bunty Soap.

I'll talk to Grady and play a little hardball.

Thorny, I'm takin' a hard line.

You got to promise me no more bullshit.

Cap, you know I'm cool, but I can take no
responsibility for these white devils.

Well, you're gonna have to.

Now, Rodney, we're under
a lot of pressure here.

Remember what we talked about.
If anything happens...

count to ten,
take some deep breaths.

Ten deep breaths. I got it, Cap.

Foster, you're on duty.

Trust me, skipper,
we'll make you proud.

You are awesome.

You are incredible.
You are a fantastic cop.

Keep goin'.

Uh, and then somebody said,
I think it was O'Hagan, said, um...

"Foster, you deserve a promotion."

I think you get a star.

Foster? Wait.
I don't know if this is gonna work.

This steering wheel is jabbing my ass.

Ow! Okay.

In New York City, a guy could pay ten bucks
to watch two cops have sex in a cage.

Yeah?

- Foster?
- Yeah?

In our cruisers, somebody has to
let you out of the back seat.

Oh, fuck it!

Do we look like the two dumbest guys
in the world to you?

Is that why you choose to treat us
with such disrespect?

Look, all I'm sayin', man,
is switch partners. It'll be fun.

- I don't think so.
- Come on, mix it up a bit.

Mm, no fuckin' way.

Come on, Mac, you know you're always
sayin' how funny Foster smells.

Oh, look out for Thorny,
master of psychology.

Do I really smell?

All right, assholes,
quit talkin' about me.

Lock and load, Ramathorn.
Let's kick some tail.

We weren't talkin' about you,
you big idiot.

Bullshit.

- Truck stop, huh?
- We gotta do it.

But the captain didn't say anything

about going undercover.

Do you think they're gonna tell us anything

if they know we're cops?

Get a job, man!
Look, you're fuckin' super cop.

You should know this.

- I am super.
- Plus, we can't take our car...

until they replace the door you, for no
reason whatsoever, removed last night.

I told you it was those
kids with the wrenches.

Ah, yes, those ballsy little punks
who took your car door off...

while you were sittin' in the damn thing.

I told you I was in a very deep sleep.

Yeah. You wanna tell that to O'Hagan?
Maybe we can borrow his car today.

Do you even know how to drive this thing?

Shit! This rig sucks!

Aha!

Uh, who knew it was a stick?

How about we, uh,
pop a couple of Viagra...

and issue tickets
with raging, mega-huge boners?

Only you, Farva,
can make a dark man blush.

- And, no, we're not doin' it.
- Ah, hell.

Hey, I came up with a
great name for our car.

Oh, yeah?

Get this.
You're Arcot Ramathorn... Ram...

and I'm Rod Farva... Rod; car Ramrod.

Car Ramrod. You get it?

Yeah, I got it.

- Rabbit, I got a Plymouth Voyager...
- Say "Car Ramrod".

- Say "Car Ramrod".
- Vermont plates... Hold on.

Vermont plates...
Alpha-God-Mustard-One-Niner-Decade-China.

- Check it.
- Roger, 23.

- You didn't say it.
- Oh, I forgot.

I wrote it on the paper.

- Oh, yeah.
- Come on, Ramathorn, what game are we playin'?

- What? No games.
- Don't bullshit me.

Let's play one of those games
I keep hearin' about.

You know, Mac and Foster...

did that thing, you know, with the
"who can say pussy the most."

You know, actually, Mac bet Foster
he couldn't say "meow" ten times.

To the driver.

I realize that doesn't
sound funny as I described...

Who can say "meow" the most?

You guys are real crazy.

Hey, look out for these guys!

Hell, I can say "meow". I can say "moo".

For 20 bucks, I'll call the guy
a chicken-fucker.

Easy, Rod. Easy, Rod.
Easy, Rod. Easy, Rod.

License and registration...
chicken-fucker! Brawwk!

- Bruce? John O'Hagan.
- John!

I'm glad you called. Listen. I have
Bobby the Baboon in lock-up...

and he says that for twenty bananas he'll
provide evidence...

Johnny Chimpo is the pimp in charge
of the Cartoon Network whorehouse.

Look, I'm done dickin' around. We
got new evidence on your murder.

Who? Galikanokus?
You know where he is?

No, we don't know where he is, but...

Then I don't see how you can
possibly help us, then.

Okay. This is my last offer.

Either you let us in on this investigation...

or I'm gonna embarrass you personally.

Oh, how embarrassed?

Like, naked in a dream embarrassed?

No, no. Embarrassed like back in '77, when you
got caught fuckin' your cousin embarrassed.

She's not my cousin.

Welcome to Dimpus.
Can I take your order?

Give me a, uh,
double bacon cheeseburger.

Double baco cheeseburger.
It's for a cop.

Roger.

What the hell's that all about?

He gonna spit in it now?

No, I was just tellin' him
that so he makes it good.

Don't spit in that cop's burger.

- Yeah. Thanks.
- Roger. Holding the spit.

Give me a, uh, pie. Apple.

Do you want me to hold the spit?

Just kidding, Officer... Farva.

So, do you want to "Dimpisize" your meal
for a quarter more?

Want me to "punchisize" your face for free?

Some male figure? I'm his dad. And
stop with the whole transfer thing.

Oh, Christ.

You know what? I gotta go. Let's
talk about this later, okay?

Okay. Bye.

- Now don't give me any lip.
- It's just a quarter, and

look how much more you get.

- I said no!
- It's just 25 cents.

Hey, listen, guy.
He doesn't want it.

I can handle this, Ramathorn.

- I don't want it!
- Right. Uh, beverage?

Gimme a, uh, litre of cola.

- A what?
- A litre of cola!

"Leederacola". Do we make Leederacola?

Will you just order a large, Farva?

I don't want a large Farva.
I want a goddamn litre of cola!

- I don't know what that is!
- Litre is French...

for "give me some fuckin' cola
before I break both fuckin' lips."

All right, all right. Relax!

- That look like spit to you?
- Yeah.

Ah, fuck it.

Mm. I feel like a real cop again.

Well, I wouldn't get used to it,
'cause you know it's not gonna last.

Bullshit.
I'm not goin' anywhere.

All right, buddy.

We're about to get shut down anyway.

Oh, yeah? That's a lot of Dimp.

What do you do if you get transferred?

I don't know.

Bobbi doesn't want to leave, and...

I don't want to leave her and Arlo, so...

Yeah, I don't know what
the hell I'm gonna do.

Who gives a shit? I'm about to win
ten million bucks anyway, right?

Are ya? What are you going to do
with that ten million bucks?

And you can't say,
"Buy the Cleveland Cavaliers."

I'd buy a ten-million-dollar car.

Ah, good investment.

- But I'd pull you over.
- Bullshit. You could never catch me.

Oh, I could never catch you?

If you did, I'd activate my
car's wings, and fly away.

I got a good feelin' about this.

Damn it, you burger punk!

You son of a bitch!

Yeah, Burger Boy!

All right, all right, all right.

Cut it out, you guys.
Knock it off.

Clear out of here. All of you.

I'm sorry about the delousing, Rod.

Standard procedure.

- It's powdered sugar.
- The lice hate the sugar.

- Listen, Rod...
- It's delicious.

Uh, good. Good.

Say, Rod, what are your plans
after the shutdown?

We're not gettin' shut down,
Grady. We're drug busters.

Maybe they're drug busters,
but you're dispatch.

Nuh-uh.
I'm back on the road, now.

Until this little incident.

Listen, Rod.

This whole murder thing, we've been
tryin' real hard to break it open...

but O'Hagan just will not
cooperate with the evidence.

Now I've spoken to the governor myself.

She is gonna shut your station down, son.
It's gonna happen.

Now, I'm gonna have a bigger budget then,
and I could really use...

a good local officer like yourself.

- Could I go now?
- You could have your own car.

Work on exciting cases. Hey, we could
even chase drug dealers together.

Now, the thing is, Rod...

I really need to know about
your side of the investigation.

O'Hagan's making all
kinds of threats, and...

Can we make a deal?

I'm all highway.

Let him loose.

Sorry about that, bro.

Hey, Charlie's Angel.

- What's up?
- Guys.

Hey.

Well, we got about, uh,
twenty desk lamps.

- Farva went schizoid.
- That's good.

How did the undercover thing go?

Well, not so good.

Turns out, this guy can't drive a semi.

Yeah.

You guys watch that Johnny Chimpo thing?

- Funny, but nothin' there.
- Mm. Maybe you missed something.

Mm, trust me, bro.
There's nothing there.

Maybe we should take another look.

That's it, you're off the road.
Never again.

Sir, no.

- It was not my fault.
- Neither was the goddamn school bus.

You know, there was a time we'd take a guy
like you out back and beat you with a hose.

Now you got your goddamn unions.

Cap, you know I'm not a pro-union guy.

And you're banned from Dimpus Burger.

Damn it!

Get some rubber gloves. From now
on, you're my cleaning lady.

Beat it!

Well, the butler is basically
saying to Johannes Chimpo...

"Don't let the Great Satan tempt
you with the Western culture.

"You must remain true
to the Taliban warlord."

Cool beans.

So, um, Galikanokus is not the butler?

Well, possibly. But this is,
uh, quite brilliant, really.

And so, Captain, you think there might
be some connection with the smugglers?

Rabbit, get this meatball out of here.

You got it, Captain.
Come on, meatball.

We should probably do that.

Back in the cage with
your beautiful wife, huh?

What did you find out at the weigh station?

My cruiser weighs 16,000kg.

I just got off the phone with Tom
McCardle from the budget committee.

This thing with Farva screwed our pooch.

What?

They can't lump us in
with that fuckin' Martian.

- We're all in the same boat, fellas.
- But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun.

Yeah. I mean, his shenanigans
are cruel and tragic.

Which makes them not
shenanigans at all, really.

Evil shenanigans.

I swear to God I'll pistol-whip the
next guy that says, "shenanigans".

Hey, Farva!

What's the name of that restaurant you like,
with all the goofy shit on the walls...

- and the mozzarella sticks?
- You mean Shenanigans?

- No! Oh!
- You're talking about Shenanigans, right?

Put those away!

Hey, Rabbit.

Yeah, I know. "You got
beautiful, big brown lips."

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have your fun, boys.
Have your fun.

'Cause I'm gonna
start looking for a new job.

Hey! Urs! Ha!

- Hi.
- Hi. Sorry I'm late.

The mayor came down today.

Ah, biker! I'm an idiot.

Boy, you guys just keep
shooting yourselves in the foot.

- Heard you got to see Farva naked.
- Yeah, it was hard to miss.

So, Grady thinks he's
got you guys by the balls.

Yeah. How do you feel about
long-distance relationships?

Think I'm getting sent to Deer Lick.

Well, I've been thinking about this.

I think I might have an idea.

The governor comes to town on
Saturday for that big thing, right?

She's gonna make a big speech
about drugs and law enforcement...

and all of that because of your bust.

She's still gonna shut us down.

No! Not if you give her more.

Get the reefer out of the Winnebago
and give it to her during the party.

- Make a big show of it.
- With all that media there,

she would love us for it.

- There's no way she'll shut you down.
- That reefer's locked in the Winnebago...

which is locked in your impound,
which is guarded by assholes.

All right.
Here's what I'll need.

Five ski masks, a case
of smoke bombs... the good ones...

- and banana peels, lots of banana...
- Foster?

How about if I just help you get in?

You would do that for me?

Yeah. What the hell.
We'll work together.

Like Cagney and Lacey.

Yeah. Well, Cagney and Lacey were women.

- But...
- I could be Lacey.

Mac-o!

- So that's it, huh?
- C.C.S. Rockman Bulletproofing is the tops!

Same guys who make our flak jackets.

Now, Rabbit,
a good cop does what...

before using his equipment in the field?

- Uh, they test it?
- They test it. Exactly.

How are you shootin' today, Thorn?

- Dead on all morning.
- How about that little fella?

Oh, that little guy? I wouldn't
worry about that little guy.

Good enough for me.
You're my man, now.

I don't get it. How are we going
to get into the local impound?

There are gonna be cops there.

Wa-hoo!

Most of the local cops will
probably already be at the banquet.

They'll leave, like, one or two of
the dumbest guys at the station.

- How are you feelin' there, Mac?
- Good enough to fuck your mother!

So, what we have to do is distract whoever
they leave there.

Hey, Mac! You still have
that Halloween costume?

Oh, hell, yeah.
You don't throw out...

Wa-hoo-hoo!

Damn, that's good!

So, if we can get ten minutes, you and I
can get into the impound...

get the reefer, and get it to
the governor before she leaves?

- Nice and easy.
- I like it.

- You're up.
- Me?

- Now, don't get puke on it.
- Does it hurt?

You're gonna feel a little pinch.

Lookin' good, Rabbit!
Now don't move!

- Hang on, buddy.
- Hey, Cap!

- Hey, Captain.
- Bulletproof cup, huh?

I invented this gag, Rabbit.

Only in my day,
the rookie got naked.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

And we also used blanks.

You're a sick motherfucker, Mac.

- Thanks, Chief.
- All right, Thorny.

Why'd you call me up here?

Good to know you're still battin' for
us with the budget committee, Mayor.

Well, I don't want to mince words,
John, but it doesn't look too good.

Maybe not to the untrained eye.

But if I was a bettin' man,
I'd put money on us changin'

the governor's mind tonight.

Well, you might want to strap on your
ass-kissing boots and start right now.

- I think she's your only hope.
- Hello.

What is this thing again?
Humane Society?

- Uh, it's a drug bust.
- Cocaine?

- Hello.
- Marijuana.

- Then why are we here?
- Oh, I think we're pretty

well covered, Mr. Mayor.

I think she's got a lot of decisions to make.

- I don't envy her.
- Oh, I do.

I'll be lucky to have a figure
like that when I'm her age.

Yeah. That's a good one.

We're sending someone down,
don't worry. Okay.

Thanks. You bet.

No, no, no, no.
We'll bring the guns.

We're on it. We're on it.

We got it. All right,
that's like twenty calls.

I'll tell you what. I'll go down there
and check it out.

- What about me?
- Burton, somebody's got to stay here.

All right, fuck it.

Shit!

Maybe this is the key.

I mean, no offence, bro, but...

when did you become a cop?

None taken, Ramathorn.
None taken.

Really. How'd you know the key was there?

A gentleman never asks.

A lady never tells.
Wonder how Rabbit's doin'?

Oh, yeah!

- Yeah! Yeah!
- What does that look like to you?

Is the bear...

- Is the guy...
- Oh, yeah. Yeah!

- Is the guy...
- Oh, yeah. Yeah!

Seems more of a game warden thing to me.

Well, it's illegal, Burton.
I know that!

Whoo! Oh!

Oh, shit. Look who's here.

- I thought you said he wasn't gonna make it.
- I tried.

- Glad to see you, Rodney.
- Hey, how are you doin', Rowdy?

How you think I'm doin'?
Open bar, ain't it?

- Thought you said Bowl-a-rama.
- Yeah, I tried to call you, but, um...

Yeah, right!

- Give me six Schlitzes.
- No Schlitz.

- Whatever's free.
- Take it easy, Rod.

Open bar, dude!

Hello down there. Are you okay?

Excuse me.

- Bear... Bear-fucker!
- Yeah! Yeah!

- Do you need assistance?
- Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Let's do this.

Hey, hey, whoa! Whoa!

Mayor Timber, yeah. So I just
wanted to let you know...

that the governor's gonna
have to leave early.

For an emergency fund-raiser.
So...

Aw, she's gonna speak
in about five minutes.

And then we're gonna
have to zip on out of here.

Well, thanks for the heads-up.

I'll go check on those guys.

Mac-Attack!
Wanna go punch for punch?

Good one! I did not specify.

Never shit a shitter. Lady
in blue, comin' through.

Ramathorn.

What? I don't know. Two minutes?

You weren't kiddin'. That's a lot of hooch!

Holy shit. What's Grady doin' up there?

...and of course, your own local
police chief, Bruce Grady...

has made yet another astonishing breakthrough...

in our state's War on Drugs.

Now that's fine police work.

Thank you very much. The real credit...

goes to my skilled officers, who uncovered
the marijuana in that Winnebago.

And, uh, we have identified the
dead woman from that Winnebago...

as a drug "queenpin"
from Louisville, Kentucky...

Lucy Garfield.

Or, as we like to call her
down at the station,

"The Louisville Smuggler".

There will be no more
running of marijuana...

through Spurbury on my watch.

You can count on that.

Farva's number one!
Farva's number one!

Hey! You showed Grady our secret stash?

That was our stash!

- I did not show Grady the stash!
- Those bags of grass...

- represented a... a bond of trust between us.
- Foster...

Foster, I had no idea...

Did you pick me because you
thought you could manipulate me?

No! How could you even say that?

Because you crapped on my heart!

I what on your heart?

What are you gettin' out of this? Is Grady
puttin' you on the road?

No, a... are you... You're screwing him too.

- Asshole.
- Aah!

Ursula...

- Oh, Mac.
- What the fuck?

Fuckin' traitor!

Hey, Mac! Did it work?
Did it work?

Was there ever a moment
when you suspected her?

- No, why would I?
- Exactly.

Why use your head when you can be
getting some cop-on-cop fucky-sucky?

Well, did you tell her anything?

Two cops sleeping together. What the
hell do you think they talked about?

I don't know. Doin' it?
Positions and stuff?

Oh, shut up.
You guys don't even know her.

Get it through your head,
fish dick. She was in on it.

Fuck you, Mac!

All right, all right. Fighting's
not gonna change anythin'.

Foster, she played you good.
It's called the honey pot.

You should have known better.

Well, I guess they're gonna
shut us down anyway.

But you two are friends, you know? You
shouldn't let this come between you.

Come on now. Shake hands.

- Sorry.
- You should be.

Hey!

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

Good, now. Who wants a shot?

I do.

- I'll have one.
- I said, who wants a shot?

- I do!
- Do you have any openings

in Sherburne, Cap?

- Not for you guys.
- Oh, come on.

- We're like the sons you never had.
- If you were my son, Mac...

I would have smothered you by now.

Smothered me in gravy,
you big, dirty man.

- You put in for a transfer yet?
- Ugh!

I applied for a guard job.
At the post office.

- Oh, man.
- You'll finally get to shoot someone.

- To the death of fun.
- Here's to you guys.

What's up, dirty dogs?

Guess that's it for the old locker.

She stinks like ass,
but I'll sure miss her.

I guess you can say that
about all my girls.

- What the fuck?
- What the fuck to you too.

- What are you?
- I'm a cop. What are you?

- A local cop?
- Grady had an opening. Big deal.

Why are you wearing that
uniform in my station?

Look who's talkin', Denim Dan!

You look like the president,
chairman and C.E.O. of Levi Strauss.

Where'd you get the Canadian tuxedo?

You ratted us out to Grady.

I'm not even gonna dignify
myself with a response to that.

Hey, I got no hard feelings. Nothin'
a few beers can't fix, right?

Hey, how about one on me, Ramrod?

Excuse me. Uh, excuse me, guys.

Yeah. I'll be right back.

What the fuck?

We should have taken him
out the back and shot him a long time ago.

- Aye, aye, Captain.
- I gotta call Ursula.

Fellas, we got to get him back.
He's gotta pay for this.

Nobody wears that uniform in my station.

- Farva's goin' down!
- Yes! Right!

- Grady's goin' down!
- Yeah!

- All of these fuckers are goin' down!
- Yeah!

What?

Welcome to Dimpus Burger.
May I take your order?

Hello in there.
This is Officer Rod Farva.

- Give me a litre of cola!
- Uh, sorry, Officer Farva, I can't...

You want me to come in there, boy?
I'll come in there, boy!

- Hello?
- Chase him! Chase him!

- Let's pull someone over.
- Whoa!

License and registration.

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

We are the Spurbury police, man!

Whoo! Hoo! Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

I'm cool. I'm cool.

Grady! Get your ass out here!

Grady!

I don't want to sound
like a weenie...

- but I think I should call Ursula.
- No way!

- You sound like a fuckin' weenie.
- Gimme the radio.

Grady? Bruce?

Fuck it, all right.
Gimme the goddamn radio.

- He's not home!
- Hey, Chief-o!

This is Officer Rod Farva.
Come in, Ursula.

- What're you doin'?
- Ursula! I love you, Ursula.

- Come in, Ursula!
- Who is this? Hello?

- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, she's there?

Ursula! Oh, I'm sorry.

Sir, this is a police channel.
Please get off of it.

- I'm tryin' to apologize here.
- Sir, this is not a civilian channel.

If you'd like to have a conversation
with someone, please go to Channel Five.

All right, Thorny.
Pop it over to Channel Five.

Look what I found!
A two-by-four!

- You go, girl!
- Foster!

- Help me out here, Rabbit.
- Foster, is that you?

- I need someone sober.
- You got it, Cap.

- And, hit!
- My ass in your face, Thorny.

So... So, hey, what's goin' on?

Don't use that boyfriend voice with me.

What are you doing?

Don't use that boyfriend
voice with me, Foster!

- Hit!
- Yea!

Now, did you know that Farva
was the one who told Grady

about our plans?

Yeah. I know.
He's working for us now.

So, I'm sorry about that old thing and...

I don't know.
Can I come see you?

I love you.

- Listen, Foster...
- Ursula! I'm naked!

Listen, Foster? You want
to get these guys back?

Yeah!

I know a way we can
get 'em really good.

Yeah, let's get 'em good!
Did you hear that, guys?

Yes, sir.

Okay, I get off work at 10:30.

Meet me at Route 9 and Okeechobee Road,
and don't be late.

- She said, "Okeechobee".
- She's okey-dokey.

She's late.

So, Foster...

is this your usual meeting spot?

No.

- Fuckin' shit!
- That was Galikanokus!

Let's get him!

Outta the car! Goddamn it!

Same shit, different day,
huh, Rabbit?

Everybody outta the car!
I said now!

You're all under arrest for
stealing a Spurbury police vehicle.

No, Farva, you are under arrest for
being a total and complete fuckhead!

Y... You don't want to do this, Rod.
We gotta go catch that truck.

Using what? Super Citizen power?

Galikanuke is on that truck!

I'll believe that when
me shit turns purple...

- and smells like rainbow sherbet.
- Does it sound like that when I say it?

Farva! You are not stopping me
from getting my job back!

Get him, Mac!

- I got a job now.
- You're a local cop.

- You're goddamn right I am!
- You ratted us out!

No, Thorny.
I barely had a job before.

Farva, get the coffee.
Farva, hit the radio.

Farva, clean the cells!
I'm a cop, goddamn it!

I got my own car, now.
I get to bust criminals!

It's what I gotta do!

- You screwed us over.
- No, Thorny.

Okay. Okay, I did it! I did, I did.

- I'm sorry, Rodney.
- Come on, Rod.

- Oh, Thorny!
- No, no, no. Please. Come on.

Listen, listen.
This is your big chance.

When we go up there,
and we're wrong, no big deal.

But if we're right,
you can be a hero.

Come on. Team Ramrod!

Will you look at that?

- We got 'em, Cap.
- We got 'em, we got 'em!

- Oh.
- Fuckin' Galikanokus!

There's Canadian markings on that plane.

Okay, Foster. You and Rabbit come
around in a classic pincer move.

- Mac, I need you to take...
- No, no, no, Thorny. Me and you!

We outflank 'em, and we do,
like, a submarine move.

- Team Ramrod?
- Shut up, Farva.

- Farva, you're leaning...
- Wait a minute!

Oh! The locals!
I hate those fuckin' guys!

Goddamn it, you dipshits! If I had my
car, I'd have been in on this bust!

Shh! Rodney! Rodney,
get your ass back here!

Here we go again... What the fuck?

Oh, did you see that?
He kissed that guy!

Shh!

Holy shit!

God! We should have known.

So, wait. The local cops are selling
Afghani grass to the Canadians?

- Assholes!
- No, Rabbit,

it's comin' in from Canada.

Canadian grass. Ah!

- Assholes.
- No!

The local mothers are
running protection for 'em.

Oh, I guess I'm the asshole.

I'm sorry we didn't wait for you, but...

Listen to me, Foster.
I need to tell you something.

- What, are you guys drunk?
- No!

Your local buddies
are runnin' grass!

Listen, I know. I know. That's
what I want to tell you.

I know what they're doing.
I've known for awhile.

You know this?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you in on it?

No! They keep me on dispatch. I didn't
know what to do when I found out about it.

- I was afraid I'd lose my job.
- Oh.

You should have just told us.
We would have arrested them.

- Yeah, we used to be cops, remember?
- I remember...

No offence, but the less you guys
knew, the less you could screw up.

Oh.

I mean, I was trying to stop it
without getting brought down.

Th... That's why I helped you find the reefer,
that's why I helped you guys steal the Winnebago...

and that's why I brought you... here tonight.

You didn't do this because
you like Foster? Shh!

No, I mean... I do like Foster, but I...

- But you used him.
- Yeah, I guess so.

But I really like him now.

Ah!

- This is so good...
- This is kind of awkward.

I hate to break up the "like-fest",
but it's prime time for crime-time!

But wait! Hey, hey, hey!
Are you guys kidding?

Look at yourselves.

You saw what they did to
Galikanokus's girlfriend.

And you guys are drunk,
and unarmed.

Oh, hey, I am sober as a bird.

I am drunk.

- What do you got?
- No guns. They got flares.

And some string.

Oh, Farva, you sad, lonely man.

- Ugh.
- Oh, wait.

He's got your name written on it.

- Oh!
- Ooh.

Chief! Chief Grady!
I secured the perimeter, sir.

Farva!

Sorry I missed the call.
Looks like we got 'em. Rock 'n' roll!

What the hell are you doin' here, Farva?

Put that pistol down!

- Qu'est-ce-que c'est ca?
- English!

- Chief!
- Put a bullet in him, Grady.

What the fuck is this?

- Grady?
- Shit, what the fuck is this?

Shoot it!

- That's my car.
- Grady!

- That's my girl!
- Grady!

Smy, Burton, check that out.

- What are ya, drunk?
- Drunk enough to kick your ass.

Let's see what you've got, O'Hagan.

Two-time Navy champion. Tag 'im and bag 'im!

- Way to go, Cap.
- Give my regards to Bobby Baboon.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You haven't opened it yet, have ya?

- How are ya doin'?
- Hey, man. Hey, buddy.

- Hi.
- Hey!

- Hi, John.
- Hi, darlin'.

Here we go.

"Dear John...

"Congratulations are due to you...

"and your men for your brave, impressive...

"but most of all unorthodox tactics...

"in thwarting the drug-smuggling ring...

"and extreme police corruption."

- Ooh. She loves us.
- All right.

"I cannot stress enough how proud
we at the statehouse are of you.

"The great state of Vermont could
use more officers like your men.

"As you requested, we have
re-evaluated the financial situation...

"regarding your unit."

And we're gonna buy you a tank.

"Due to our tight fiscal situation...

"we regret to inform you that we are still...

"going to have to close your station.

"Good luck in Sherburne, John.

"And give your men my best.

"Sincerely...

"Governor Fuckhead."

I did not see that coming.

I told you to bring the handcart.

Sorry.

Tilt it.

Oh, goddamn, I remember
these things being lighter!

I think I'm gonna drop a nut!

- Shit.
- Hope they like foam.

It's not so bad. Good exercise.

- Cool uniforms.
- Yeah. All the beer you can drink.

I'm into that!

Beer!

- Oh, God.
- You order the keg of St. Anky?

Uh, yeah!

But aren't you guys the Highway Patrol?

Yeah, but our station got shut down, so...

Oh, no shit, man!

Yeah, shit. This your keg?

Oh, my... my Dad ordered it.
But he's asleep right now.

Keg's here!

Oh, St. Anky's.

- Oh, God. No!
- No, no, no!

Hey, man. Hey, bro.
It's cool, man. They got fired!

No shit?

No shit, man!

All right, all right.
Where's the keg go?

- Put it in the rec room, man.
- Yeah, come on in.

Make room, make room. Salon.

What took you guys
so long to get here?

What'd you do? Brew it yourself?

Be cool, man.

I am cool.

Check this out. Um, why don't
you guys put that, um...

over there?

- Move it, move it, move it.
- We want a drink! Come on.

Tap this thing!

Actually, you know what?
I think it's better...

Feng Shui if it's, uh,
over there.

Definitely. Definitely better over there.

Oh, wait, wait. Guys. Guys.
You know what?

Man, it's probably better for the flow...

if you put it back over here.

And don't forget to tap that keg, guys.

Okay, okay. Somebody's
gonna need to sign for this...

and I need to see some I.D.

Look, you know what?
I don't have any I.D.

But, uh, Abraham Lincoln
here, he says that I'm 21...

and he never told a lie.

Yeah, actually it was George
Washington that never told a lie.

You guys drive a hard bargain, but...

Actually, you know what?

Why don't you guys split it?

That was good, man.

Are you ready for the fun part?

Oh, yeah.

'Cause here comes the fun part!

Spurbury Police!

You're all under arrest!

- Come on back, now.
- Oh, yeah.

All this for a noise complaint?

I love acid...

Cops.

What the crap?
How come nobody called me?

- We're in trouble, aren't we?
- Oh, yeah.

And if you really want to choke somebody,
you gotta hit the Adam's apple.

Like this?

Higher.

Loser!

Ping! Ping!

Ping! Ping!

Ping!

Farva!