Super Fantozzi (1986) - full transcript

When God created man, his first try at it wasn't very successful... Fantozzi was born, and right from the beginning of time he was doomed to be humiliated and laughed at. In a number of episodes we follow the unlucky adventures of the various descendants of Fantozzi through time, from the moment they are thrown out of the Garden of Eden to the Space Age of the future.

< In the beginning
God created the heaven...

... and he said:
"Let there be light".

< And there was light.

< Then the Lord created the
earth and saw that it was good.

< He created the seas and oceans...

... and populated them with fish.

< He separated the earth from
the sky and saw that it was good.

< So he went on to
create his masterpiece...

... Man.

Thank you for creating me
in your image and likeness.

< The Lord almighty had
noticed that his creature...

... hadn't come out that well.

< He chalked it up to fatigue
and decided to try again...

... after a day of rest.

< The second attempt
was indeed a perfect success...

... and he noticed
a big difference.

< For the newcomer, the Lord
created a paradise on earth...

... and gave him a mate.



< (God) Yes, All right.


Excuse me, did you take one of
these things from me?

< (God) To make a woman
for you too. Turn around!

< She's yours.


< Except for picking
fruit from the forbidden tree...

... the Lord had given
man all freedoms...

... even that of giving names
to the things of creation.

Flo... wers.

Flo... wers.

Flo... flowers.

Straw... ber... ries.

Watch out!




Excuse me... Why?

Shit... Fantozzi.



< By now,
what was done was done.

< If he was ashamed,
he could cover himself with a leaf...

... a Cactus leaf!

See you later.


The apple.

< (God) Fantozzi!

< You disobeyed!

< There is no more room for
you in the Earthly Paradise!

Holy fucking Eve!

< Thus came the first
eviction in the history of the world.

Excuse me, Excellency,
but don't they...?

< (God) No, they are different.

< You will work with the
sweat of your brow for them too.

< For eternity!

< Now out! Go!

Very humane-- Very divine
of you...

- Excuse me.
< Go and multiply... little as possible.


...Uck you!

< Realizing that
he is a thinking animal...

... he tried to make improvements
to that hellish life...

... for himself and his neighbor.

Hup! Hup!

< And with the passing of time
things got worse for Fantozzi.

- Ugo!
- Dad!




Where are you, dad?

- Ugo!
- Where are you?

- Dad!
- There he is, Mariangela!

- Who is it?
- It's me, your Pina.

- And this?
- Don't you remember?

I'm a bit dazed.

I had a revolting morning.

15,000 people beat me up.

- They were Persians.
- Don't think about it.

- It's all over now.
- All of it?

- Let's go home.
- Are you sure?

- Let's go home.
- On foot? - Yes!

I can hardly walk.

I'll take care of it, I'll hold you.

Give me your paw...

... your hand.

Give me.

Lean on me.

- Hey, hey!
- Is that good?

< That day Fantozzi finally
received from his superiors...

... a job of trust and
great satisfaction.

- You are a volunteer!
- Volunteer? Well...

- Run to Athens and say the battle
of Marathon is won. - I'm Sorry...

- But it's 42 kilometers.
- And 195 meters.

Then it's different.

- Go!
< I'm going!

Who is it?

- Aren't you going to give the baby a kiss?
- A kiss for the baby...

I'll do it later.

I'll explain later. Have mercy.

Don't run dad, huh?

More, more!






Who is it? Who rang?


Oh, Zeus!

A chariot! I'm safe!

- Excuse me, out of pity...
- Yes?

- Are you going to Athens?
- No, I'm sorry.

- Why, are you going to Athens?
- Yes, why?

Then do me a courtesy.

Since you're going there,
take this chapiter to the senate.

- No!
- Be quick!

How humane of you!

- The walls of Athens?
- Right in front of you. - Thanks.

Oh, mom! Oh, Zeus!

For Artemis, have mercy!

- Have pity...
- No, stop!

- Don't help him, or he's disqualified.
- What the hell are you talking about?

Minus twenty.

Minus ten.

Minus four.

Minus one...

- Speak!
- Have pity, one moment.

I bring news from Marathon.

- What happened?
- Where?

< In Marathon!
- So...

- I don't remember anymore.
- How can you not remember!

It slipped my mind...

- He doesn't remember anymore.
- We won?


No, yes, no... that is, yes.

- No, "nes".
- Have we lost?

Yes and no... yes! No!

Here, it occurred to me!

We tied. 1 to 1.

- Tied?
- What is he talking about?

Guards, arrest him!

No, have pity,
I'll make you a proposal.

I'll run to Marathon,
42 kilometers and 195 meters.

I'll inform myself better,
maybe write it on a wax tablet...

... and I'll come back with
the correct news.


< Who is it?

Tax Office for the
Roman Provinces.

Open up!

Good morning, young man.

- My husband isn't here!
- Enough talk, Jew!

- Give to Caesar what is Caesar's.
- This is mine...

... not Caesar's, whom I don't
have the pleasure of knowing.

- How much does he want?
- It's in proportion of what you own.

I have nothing... Wait!

Here you go, I have this.

Say hello to this greedy
Mr. Caesar for me.

You're so humane, Praetorian.

Very humane, you know?

< he Only
owned that hut...

... and the small field next to it,
by the lake of Tiberias.

Here, slowly!

Here, you stay put
right here.

- Just like this.
- What should I do?

Nothing, stay normal.

You're a scarecrow.

You do it pretty well.

- Ugo, come on!
- Pina, come on!

Here we go.

Ready? Come on, Pina!

< The exorbitant taxes
for the Roman invaderss...

... the famines,
the magpies that pecked their seeds...

... and the damn kids
from the school next door...

... the Fantozzis were
having a really hard time.

Come on Pina we can do it!

< But rumor was it that
someone had arrived...

... who would
finally fix things.

Did you see? It took a
while but they're growing, huh?

So much work, but...

They're growing...

Let the little children
come to me.

Stop! Be careful!

My plants!

Excuse me.

- To death!
- What's happening?

- Sorry! Excuse me!
- Prepare to die!

- What's happening?
- We're stoning an adulteress!

- You'll pay with your life.
- Excuse me. - Adulteress!


Let him who is without
sin cast the first stone.

< (Fantozzi) Ouch! Ouch!



Are they cooked, dad?

- We are almost there.
- Ugo! Ugo!

You must be strong.

I have terrible news.

- No! - Yes!
- Did you invite anyone to dinner?

No, Rebecca is back from
Italy and she brought the news.

- What happened?
- Your uncle is dead.

- No... - Yes.
- No!

- Yes!
- Yes! Uncle is dead!

We're rich!

I am his only heir!

Away with this lousy house!

I'm burning it!
We'll get a new one!

Away with this shit food!

I'll buy you steaks
for a lifetime!

And then we'll find a
nice husband for Marian...

- Maybe.
- Yes.

Uncle Lazarus is dead! I'm rich!

Uncle Lazarus is dead!

Here I am.


Get off... come on, little one!

This is my family.

I am the universal heir,
I inherited everything.

Here I am! Are you the notary?

Did you bring the documentation?

Lazarus, get up and walk.

Who's walking?

This guy's gone a bit...
What are you talking about?

< (crowd) Lazarus!
- It's uncle. Uncle...

Excuse me, notary!

This doesn't seem
regular to me.

I have made advance

Ah! Uncle Lazarus.

He doesn't shake hands.

I find you well.

Ugo, don't be upset.

No, how can I?

Who cares!

- Let's go home.
- What home?

Our little house!

< Reduced
to total powerty...

... Fantozzi accepted the
help of his old friend Filini...

... who hired him
as a shop boy...

... and moved to Jerusalem.

- This would be all...
- Let's see.

Don't you think this needs
a little stroke with the plane?


Let's see.

- One more?
- No.

- Is that okay?
- Yes.

Then come, Fantozzi.

- Let's go.
- I'm sorry.

May I put on a hat?

- Why?
- I'm embarrassed by this hairstyle...

By what?

- Oh well, never mind...
- Put your hat on.

Let's not waste any more
time otherwise the centurion...

- Damn! What are you doing?
- Sorry, I hit you.

- I gave you a "cross blow".
- Go! Go!

- Do you remember the address?
- Yes. It's the station...

- Station?
- I don't remember the name.

Station od the Cross,
number 8.

- Go and get the money.
- All right.

And try not to lose the money
on the way as you always do.

- Here they are! Here they are!
- They're passing by!


Come and see!

Sorry! Excuse me!

Excuse me!

- What's going on here?
- They got two thieves.

Well done!

They do well to take
these rascals... ouch!

What are you doing here?

- Get in line with the others.
- I should go... - Go!

All right.

Where do we go?

< After being randomly selected for a
crusade in the Holy Land...

... Fantozzi was finally
returning home after 12 years...

... of complete sexual abstinence...

... the only exception being a fleeting
relationship with the ferocious Saladin...

... which had nevertheless left
intact his desire to embrace...

... his beloved companion.

< Pina!

- Pina, here you are!
- She's my wife, you fool!

I've been waiting you for so long!

Here's the door!

Pina, here I am!

Open up!


Pina, what have they done to you?



- What is that?
- It's your baby girl.

Welcome back, dad!

- Hello!
- It's your daughter Mariangela.

She became a woman.


Ugo, how nice! You're back!

Pina, 12 years...

Ah, the baboon... I mean,
the baby girl.

Wait up.

Come here,
go play with the other baboons...

... baby girls.

Go play and come back
in the evening!

In the evening!


12 years...

Come here!

Pina! Pina!


I'll split you into two!


The chastity belt.

Do you have the key?

The key!


You lost it!

- Isn't there a duplicate of that damn key?
- No.

Wait, maybe the blacksmith
Filinus. He made it!

- Filinus!
- Who is it?

- What do you mean? It's me...
- Ah, Fantozzi! Welcome back!

Excuse me, I need to...

- I mean, about a...
- I don't understand.

- It's been 12 years since...
- Since what? - I lost my key.

- What key?
- For my wife's chastity belt.

Let me finish this job,
actually do me a courtesy.

Since you can see well,
check if the iron is straight.

- No!
- Why?

I don't know why I said no.

- Are you denying me a favor?
- Me? - Come on, check it!

- Look!
- I'm sorry, huh?

- I'd give it another tap here.
- Point at the spot.

Right here.

< What are you doing?
- I'll tell you in a minute.

Take these keys.

One will certainly fit...

... or, I can come with the cutter.
- No!

- I prefer...
- The keys? Here you go.

How's the finger?

Let me see.

- Go, go.
- Sorry.

You'll tell me how it goes.

Where are you going, you lousy fool?
Don't you know who's in there?

No, who is it?

- Princess, shall we whip him?
- Yes, yes, twenty...

Indeed, twenty-five lashes.

I deserve them.

No, these must be days
of celebration and jubilation.

Let's forgive him.

Let's go!

The handkerchief.

< It was Princess Serbelloni
Mazzanti Vien dal Mare...

... daughter of the castellan,
who in those days...

... had called for a great tourney
to give her hand in marriage...

... to the brave winning knight.

Fantozzi monstrously fell in love
with her.

< Driven completely
insane by that passion...

... he stopped sleeping...

- Here.
< He stopped eating.

- Ugo, why don't you eat?
- Huh?

Leave me alone!

And finally, during nights of full moon,
he began to howl too.

< (man) Enough!

< Until one day, aware of
the impossibility of that love...

... he made up his mind
to commit a tragic gesture.

What's that? Escalabar...
Escansaland... Eskitzibur...

< Excalibur, you fool!
- Thanks.

< Excalibur was the magical,
invincible sword...

... guarded by the wizard of the lake.

Excuse me, but is it for me?

Money? Ah, I understand.

How much? Five.

Okay, excuse me for a moment.

Would you mind turning around?
I keep them here...

I only have a ten.

Okay, here.

Give it to me.

Here she is!

But, I'm sorry...

What about my change?

He doesn't make change.

Decubitus... er...


< Excalibur, you fool!

Don't say that in front
of the sword.

With you, magic sword, I
will win the tourney...

... and the little princess
will be mine.

< Rampant Red Dragon
was the insignia of the terrible knight...

... given by bookies as the
absolute favorite for the final victory.

Here she is! It's her.

< The defeated were as follows:
Bull, Unicorn, Hydra, Eagle.

< Finally, it was Fantozzi's turn.

< It was the insigna of
the "Spit Roast Inn"...

... his official sponsor.
- It's your turn, come on!

< Fantozzi's armor:
four winds weather vane...

... in lieu of a plume,

... scary Viking helmet
with zero visibility...

... bronze jockstrap stolen from
the shoe of Pippin the Short...

... and at his feet:
charcoal irons made of cast lead.

< Total weight of armor: 432 kilos...

... and 750 grams.

- Shall I let go?
- Let go!

- There you are! Give me the sword at once.
- There's jousting first.

- No, I'll just do it the sword fight.
- You can't change the rules.

First comes the jousting
and then the sword.

- Here!
- I signed up for the sword.

Go, dad!

- Come on, Excu... Excaccia...
< Excalibur! - Thanks.

Come, you don't scare me!


- Come on, dad!
- Come on, Ugo!

Come on! Come on!

This sword isn't working!

The wizard of the lake
ripped me off!

I suspect you're mad at me!

That's enough!

Pina, they gave the interval.

Take this, you shit!

You scoundrel!


I'll crush you!


Ugo, take this. It's the real sword.

Forgive me,
I did it because I love you.

It doesn't matter if you leave me now,
it's better than you being dead.

- Excalibur!
< Bravo! - Thanks.

Finish him.

Now let's see who the shit is!

Come on!

Are you afraid, huh?

Back off, huh?

Come here, you scoundrel!

Plebeian, I'll show you.

Come here, you louse!

I'll peel you like an apple!


< On your knees.


Victory! Victory!

That's my dad!

- Come away.
- But he's my dad!

Dad is no longer ours.

- I won't marry that sewer rat.
- Then you will lose all privileges.

My word is sacred,
here is your bride.

Thanks, I don't want her.

I am happily married.


Wait for me! Come here!


This is my wife...

... and I respect her very much.

She gave me a beautiful daughter...

- Gorgeous.
- Yes.

- You reject me? - No offense.
- Why did you participate in the tourney?

It was out of pure
sporting spirit.

Let's go.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

I respect you a lot too.

Excuse me!

Here is the winner of the tournament!
Let us carry him in triumph!


Lunch is ready!

< Fantozzi, due to a terrifying
fiscal squeeze...

... had fallen into
complete poverty.

Give me a penny, out of pity!

I'm poor! I'm poor!

Who is it?

What is happening?

I'm Robin Hood,
I steal from the rich to give to the poor.




Look here, how wonderful!

The misery is over, we are rich!

We are rich!

What are you doing?

I'm Robin Hood,
I steal from the rich to give to the poor.

Not even twenty minutes!

- Death to the aristocrat!
- I'll mess you up if I get up there!

- Asshole!
- Ugly stinker!

- To death!
- Coward!

To death!

To the guillotine!

To the guillotine!

- Coward!
- Death to the aristocrat!

- To death!
- Cuckold!

- To death!
- Piece of shit!

Kill him!

< To death!

Damn, citizen Fantozzi!
It jammes!

You'll see, now they'll
even grace him.

You'll see, citizen.

- Damn!
- Excuse me!

What grace?
Excuse me!

Come on, come on!
Do something!

- Ugo!
- I'll do it, come on!

Do it!

Come on, I'll do it!

Come on, what the hell are you doing?

Wait a moment.

How the hell is this done?

Wait a moment! Get off,
you shitty aristocrat!

Let me do it!

How the fuck do you
make these guillotines?

They never work!

Damn these guillotts...

< With the recommendation
of Cardinal Ortona-Natta...

... who had fallen
monstrously in love with him...

... Fantozzi finally managed
to get an apartment assigned...

... along the walls of the Papal State,
in Porta Pia.

- That's the house.
- How beautiful!

Take the daguerreotype
of Ortona-Natta's father.

You, Mariangela,
carry this inside and I'll take...

What is this?

This is a special bottle.

Today, I want to
celebrate. It's a great day!

go there. The glasses!

Today is a great day.

Today, September 20, 1870...

- What's going on, Ugo?
- They celebrate, they make fires.

Today is a great day...

... because
the Fantozzi family...

... finally owns a house!

Let's toast!

< he Had
installed the dining room...

... on the breach of Porta Pia.

You forgot the ball...

Did you see what a
breach they made?

< With the annexation of
Rome to the Kingdom of Italy...

... the administration had
changed, but Fantozzi's life hadn't.

Watch out!

Up! Up!

< The office manager
had also changed.

< The ferocious Cardinal Ravelli-Carta
had passed over his position...

... to the great
scoundrel from Turin...

... Modestino Balabam.

Let's go.

< He had tried to
poison Garibaldi...

... earning the sympathies
of Count Cavour.

< Through Masonic intrigues
and double-crossing ...

... he'd made a brilliant career...

... but above all, he could
cultivate his great passion...


< As the founder of the
Po River Rowing Club...

... he wanted to create a similar one
on the banks of the Tiber.

You Romans are nothing
but great molluscs...

... and moreover, you're attached
to the skirts of the cardinals.

But you have to change.

- Do you like rowing?
- Yes, it's wonderful!

My motto is "Let's row in Rome!"

So you are experts.

All right.

I'll pick one at random.

- A volunteer... you!
- Me?

No, behind you.

- Me?
- No, at the back.


- Me?
- Come.

- He wants you.
- Me?

Here is the expert.

This one...

Are you the expert rower?

Um... well.

- Quite.
- Sit down.

May I?

- There is no chair.
- Please, take a seat.


Here I am. Very comfortable.

- What are you doing?
- You told me to sit down...

I hadn't seen it.

I'll put it here.

It weighs a ton!

I feel like throwing
up! Help me!

These are somewhat
heavy chairs.

I like them.

- What's an oarlock?
- Er...

It's a...

It's a gentleman who
practices witchcraft.

If you don't know,
forget it.


Who invented the
sliding carriage?

Do you want to know this?

- Yes.
- Francesca from Rimini.

- Francesca from Rimini?
- They told me at the reception.

It's a rumor.

Then I... have mercy.

Can you ask me a back-up question?

I'd like to make a good impression.

Back-up question:
eight rowers yole.

Yes! Very true!

With this...

Nothing, they say nothing back here.

Pay attention.

The definition of yole...

Yole is a friend of mine.

- You know those women...
- What are you talking about?

She lives in a place
with a small door.

You knock, she opens...

... and she's with eight sailors.

They are Russian.

- Russians?
- No, one was a Pole.

- Polish?
- Yes, but they sent him away.

Ah, right! They're
black sailors... negroes!


How can you not know
such a simple thing?

Ask him.

Now it's up to another.

So, I'm going to ask...

... I'm going to ask...


Starting today,
things will change.

Your careers will be based
on your sporting merits.

We will meet on Sunday on the
Tiber for the first rowing cup.

< My employees...

... to your boats!

You're great, dad!

To the oars!

< To inaugurate
the first rowing club...

... Balabam had launched
a grueling regatta...

... upstream over a distance
of seven nautical miles.

- I wonder how they'll do!
- Let's switch sides.

< The departure signal was
to be given at noon...

... by the cannon of the Gianicolo.

- I think it's almost time.
- Yes.

- Do you know the time?
- Sure!

Noon, on the dot.

- You see? Great watch.
- Yes, but did you see the boat?

- Ready?
- Ready!

- Go!
- Go!

< In Ponte Sisto, the
Colsi brothers fell victim...

... of an oversight.
- Are we okay?

Yes, we'll go right
through the middle.


I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry!
- You're breaking my kidneys!

- And you're giving me a bath!
- Why don't you coordinate?

- You coordinate too.
- Okay, let's coordinate.

- Are you coordinated?
- Yes, ready? - Go!


Be patient,
try to improve.

- I'll change mates.
- Then coordinate.

< At the bridge
of Castel Sant'Angelo...

... in conjunction with
Fantozzi and Filini's passage...

... an unfortunate anonymous man
had decided to take his own life.

- I'm sorry.
- Huh?

- But what time is it?
- Why?

- It's noon again.
- What?

- Why did you stop?
- Because... - What?

- A gentleman just...
- Where? - He jumped.

- Nonsense!
- Okay, I'll explain later.

- Let's move! Row!
- I'll leave for a minute.

- What are you doing?
- Tidy up a little.

- Let it go! Let's move!
- There's a mess here.

- You think it's a good time to tidy up?
- Look!

- Where did you get that?
- I'll explain later.

- Fantozzi, are you all right?
- To the oars!

- Did you put the...
- Yeah, that thing.

Ready? Go!

< Halfway through
the race in Ponte di Ripetta...

... accountant Trota and
scribe Sogliola were in the lead.

By a terrible misunderstanding,
they were sold in chunks...

... at the Vatican market
by some amateur fishermen.

- Excuse me, Deputy Chief!
- Tell me.

We are last.

- We are monstrously late.
- Do not worry.

- I know a shortcut!
- Good!

< At Ponte Milvio,
archivist Mughini...

... and his colleague Belon
decided to deceitfully resort...

... to the help of a
recent invention...

... by engineers
Barsanti and Matteucci.

It was the prototype of the
first internal combustion engine.

Excuse me, aside from
from the stench...

... you still think
this a shortcut?

Stop this distrust! I
told you I have a map.

Here it is!

When will we get out
of this sewer alive?

Um, from this shortcut.

Don't worry, we'll be out
in half an hour, tops.

< 58 days later, in
the foyer of Fantozzi's office...

... a bust was uncovered in the
memory of the missing employees.

Indeed, the two unfortunates
wandered many more years...

... through the sewers of the
whole world until they emerged... the ocean.

They were rescued, at last, by
an ocean liner on its maiden voyage...

The Titanic!

< A novelty had arrived
very late from France...

... on the wake of
a fabulous success...

... it was the great sensation of
the moving pictures!

- Pina, Should we go?
- Look how nice it is!

- It's funny!
- But that's stupid.

It's stuff for children
and for morons.

It's can't last, this stuff.

- What is happening?
- Ugo, I'm scared!

- Scared of what?
- Of the train. - It's fake!

- I'm scared, let's go!
- Pina, it's fiction!

- Hey! Have you gone crazy?
- Ugo, come on!

It's all fake!

It's a simple
optical illusion!


- Double notch!
- All right!

- Notch, notch, notch!
- Yes.

< After centuries
of abuse suffered in Europe...

... Fantozzi had
decided to try his bad luck...

... even in America.

Here we are! Here we are.

Here's our home!

are you sure this is the house?

There's rich people here.

I am very sure.

We owe everything to Mr. Adams
the manager of the nightclub.

He gave it to me at a
bargain price. Come!

- Can you take the little girl?
- I can't do it.

Me neither.

- Some milk?
- Scottish.

This is the address.

Last night our informants
saw two full trucks...

... of whiskey bottles
being unloaded.

- This time they have no escape.
- The tip is right.

Let's wait a few
minutes before entering.

My own home! I'm happy!

Pina, we're in America.

I want to officially celebrate
our first American home.

Yes, yes!

- I've got a surprise.
- What?

Something crazy.

Should I take it out?

What did you think, love?
Here it is!

Oh, alcohol! It's forbidden!

There's prohibition, dad.

Cover up! Better cover yourself up,
for your distemper...

... I mean your cold.

Pina, a toast! Take the glasses.

Isn't it dangerous?

Who could find us here?
We're sitting pretty!

- Glasses! - Me too!
- Cover up!

- Police.
- Oh God!


Love, I'm happy!

Come on! Did you get in a daze?

Let's toast!

Let's toast!

Let's drink to the love...

... this house instills
in my whole heart...

How happy we are! Let's toast!

Let's drink! Let's drink! Let's drink!

- May I hel--
- Where are the bottles?

- You're not talking, huh?
- Search everywhere!

- Come here.
- Leave me, you monster!

Mamma Mia!

Watch your words!

- Murderers!
- I have to ask a question.

What time does the first
steamer leave for Italy?

We didn't stay for long,
but it's been nice.

You can't even arrive
and your house is destroyed...

< At the outbreak
of World War II...

... Fantozzi was called
back into aviation.

This is the name of
the first lucky one...

... who will have the honor
of dying...

... by crashing into
American ships.

Ray of Moonlight








< The kamikaze Tozzi-Fan
had an intention to disappear...

... and wait for
the end of the war...

... while hiding out
in that charming small town.

< That day, Fantozzi
had ditched the office...

... and unbeknownst to his family
he was approaching the stadium.

< Italy! Italy!
- We're finally out of office hell.

We will spend a wonderful
day of sunshine and sports.

Feel that air.

Breathe! Breathe!

Close the window!

- Can we make it in time?
- To do what?

There's only seven hours
until the game starts.

Don't worry,
I'm a stadium approach strategist.

Look, a passage has
opened up. Get in! Get in!


Look what you've done!

We got stuck!

Get out!

- We're stuck!
- Out of the roof.

- What roof?
- Holy cow.

Out of the engine.
Lead the way.


Don't stop.

- Fantozzi, don't waste time.
- I'm not very used to this.

- It's very convenient this way. Come!
- Coming.

After you.

Come on!

- What about he car?
- Leave it here.

- They'll give me a ticket.
- It's your car, anyway.


- The plaids! - What?
- Ugh! The blankets!

Italy! Italy!

- Excuse me, where's the stadium?
- I can guide you. - Thanks.

Come! It's our lucky day.

Get on!

- Good morning.
- Nice to meet you.

- Accountant Ugo Fantozzi.
- It's a pleasure.

- Is that seat free?
- Of course.

Thanks, you're very humane.


Let's sit here.

How nice!

< It was the day of the
highly anticipated football match...

... Italy-Scotland.

- Here's our opponents.
< Italy!

- How do you say "may the best man win"?
- "That win the best!"

Win the best!

- Are you sure that's how you say it?
- Sure.

Win the best!

I may have insidious
pronunciation defects.

- In English?
- In Scottish.

let's show them who we are!


All hands to battle stations!
On the right side!

What? Battle stations?

Get down.

I don't understand
how this works.

Excuse me, sir.

- How does this work?
- It's easy.

Put the torch right there.

You may feel like you have
a big hole in your stomach.

- Let's go.
- Goodbye, have a nice day.

Later, I'll...

- Accountant!
- Huh?

Board them!

- What?
- Go!

I'll board them.

Here, accountant!

Yahoo! Yahoo!

We need to break down
the Scottish bus door.

- We need a battering ram.
- Excuse me...

- Ah, you!
- What's happening?

Can you do the ram?

- Ram!
- Me? No!

I never did the ram!

I'm not a ram!

< I told you I can't do the ram.
- Accountant, what are you doing?


Accountant, I'm here!

We have captured the Scots bus.


Yah... oh!

Go upstairs.

- I'll take you to the stadium.
- Yahoo!

< Italy! Italy!

It's very nice up here.
Long live Italy!

< Can you see?
- Everything's fine!

Be careful!

Don't worry!

Do you mind if I get off?

< The Italians
broke the opposing line.

The Scottish will
likely counterattack...

... with heavy artillery
and tracked vehicles.

< Over to you, Ferretti.

< Cover shots are being fired
over in the Curva Nord...

... with the support of
bombing helicopters.

< Let's hear the Scots' war cry
in the Curva Sud.

How nice, huh?


- Which seats did you get?
- Seats?

Here, these ones.

I'll give you some chilling news.

We are in the Scottish trenches.

How do you do?

Play something Scottish...
The Scottish anthem.

You know it?

"Win the best"!

I do the anthem!

The Scottish anthem!


"Stranger in the night"! "Whiskey"!

Pretty good!

Ugo, what happened?

Nothing happened!

They made me
work overtime all day.

You think I'm going out
to have fun, huh?

We were waiting for you
for the girl's dance exhibition.

Don't piss me off with the exhibition
of the baboo--- the baby girl!

If I don't work,
who will eat in this house?

Who will eat?

You're right.

I'm sorry, Ugo.

- (TV) .. the national team's match.
- No, I'm sorry.

once again the sports news...

... ended up with crime news.

Thugs who have nothing
to do with real fans...

... ruined what was
supposed to be a celebration.

We can show you
some pictures...

These pictures
bear witness...

... of a most
reprehensible act...

... committed by
an Italian hooligan.

< A troublemaker, a violent one.

You can see the hate
in his eyes.

It's something that has nothing
to do with a sporting event.

< These are images that should make us think.
- May I tell you something?

- Yeah.
- You make me sick.

< One really wonders
with growing concern:

at this rate, where
will we end up?

- Happy birthday, Ughino!
- Happy birthday, dad! - Thanks.

Happy birthday to you!

- Happy birthday to you!
- Enough, enough!

- Pina, set the table.
- Yes.

- Let's sit down.
- Yes.

Sit down, come on.

Here we go.

- Why isn't mine working?
- Let me, Ugo.

- Ughino, you have to cut the cake.
- The knife!

Holy Alpha Centauri! Do
you never sharpen your knives?

Where is the thing?

Is it here?

It's very handy!

It's not here. I'll close... ah!

It's in the bottom one.

You have to remember, Pina.

You close it, I beg you.

I'll sharpen it.

- I told you to turn off the bedeophone!
- I'm sorry.

All right...

What is that?


Which number is it?

- Good morning.
- Sidereal director!

- Am I disturbing you, dear Fantozzi?
- Of course not! Not at all!

Indeed, it is an honor for me.

I called you to wish
you a happy birthday.

- You remembered!
< Of course.

- Thanks.
- And then for a more personal reason.

- What is that?
- Very personal.

- Me?
- Yes, I understand.

- Come on, we have to talk about work!
- I get it.


Go ahead.

You should lend me
your house for an hour.

- But why?
- I'm here with a lady.

I don't know where to take her.

- Why don't you take her to your house?
- Excuse me?

To... to my house!

Couldn't you come tomorrow?

Today is a special day for me.

It's my birthday.

We already have the cake
and the sparkling wine on ice.

Good! Leave everything there
and keep the sparkling wine cool.

On ice... on ice.

< I'll be there in 15 minutes.

Leave the key under the mat.

Under the mat...

Pina, I...

It's not my fault,
I was so keen on this party.

- It doesn't matter, Ugo.
- I'll drink this!

- Okay, okay...
- I'll drink it in his face!

These assholes are arrogant
just because they have some power.

- I'm having a nice party when...
- Get your helmet, dad.

- I'm not wearing a helmet.
- It's mandatory.

Let's put on the helmet then.

Pina, why are you making that face?

Nothing happened!
Screw them! Come on!

Let's celebrate! I'm lucky!

I am a very lucky man!