Super Duper Bloopers and Silly Shorts (1986) - full transcript
(drum roll)
(gong)
- I loved you from the
first minute I saw you,
and you knew it.
You tried to, nuts!
(laughs)
(gong)
- I have seen General
Hos-ef, Hospital. (laughs)
(gong)
- He used to dig for pirates
gold right over there
when he was a youngster.
He never lost hope in finding Black Beard.
(laughs loud)
(gong)
- Are you challenging me to a duel?
- Yes, if you have the courage?
(laughing)
(gong)
(quirky trumpet music)
(quirky trumpet music)
(quirky music)
(gong)
- Where would you like him
to put his hands on you?
- Any place he, (laughs)
Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.
- Wait a minute, don't go away.
Any place in particular you'd
like him to put his hands?
- Well my tits, my ass,
my cunt, my anywhere.
(laughs) What else is left?
(drum roll)
(gong)
(quirky trumpet music)
- Are you quite through?
- Not all together,
stick around for an hour.
- Give me a chance, I'd
like to respond as follows;
whatever charges I've
made here are documented
and I will prove them,
that, that's number one.
Number two, I'm not attacking anyone
as you attacked me last night.
You decided to smear
me, you went after me,
I went after facts.
- It's a good thing--
- I don't have to stand here
and take it.
But I'll change, I'll exchange with you
anytime, any place.
I'll debate you any place,
but let's stick to facts
and forget the emotion,
because if we get emotional then it
isn't gonna be both sides
now, it's gonna a repeat
of your first show of eight years ago.
And the reason you were
off here for eight years.
- If you were--
- If you've gotta go to that,
and resort to that, then we're in trouble.
- Now I've praised you at great length--
- Hey listen, back up
Godzilla, just back up--
- I praised you on ABC the other night--
- I'm not elaborating my point, shut up!
You have changed,
I've praised you many times.
- Shut your fucking mouth for a change!
- [Director] Cut the tape please,
there's no sense if proceeding.
- Get your finger outta my face,
or they'll pick you up with a sieve.
- Don't cry.
- Oh no, Emily.
I am not lost, oh Christ, son of a bitch.
- What was it?
What was the berry that, son of a bitch.
(laughs)
(bang bang bang)
- Oh, son of a ba-di-di!
Son of a ba-di-di!
Son of a ba-di-di, gun!
(laughs) You thought I was gonna say,
son of a bitch, didn't ya?
(peaceful orchestral music)
(peaceful orchestral music)
(gloomy music)
(background talking)
- Oh-oh.
- [Director] Action!
- Hello there all of you
nice people in St Louis.
I thought maybe you'd
like to see some scenes
from our Mickey series.
For some strange reason we decided.
How many seconds is this piece of shit?
- Okay.
- I don't like it I tell you.
As long as I'm a circus boss,
there will always be a
bunk for you on the train.
- And a free bowl of soup I suppose?
Well I don't need you charity!
Don't you worry, Klansey and me,
we'll show 'em, won't cha'?
Come on ya big, God damn, dumb horse!
Why don't you move?
For Christ sake.
- It's bad to read, I'm
reading off here, right?
Can you put it close to the camera?
- I'm not afraid of you.
- I'm afraid of you, you've
been here less than 12 hours
and you've caused more chaos
than we've ever had as well.
- [Director] St Louis, take two.
- Hello all of you nice
people there in St Louis.
Thought you'd like to see some of, scene.
- [Director] Action!
(background talking)
- Here!
- Oh come on will ya!
- Oh! (laugh)
(laughing loudly)
- Hi there all of you nice people.
I thought that maybe you'd
like to see some scenes
from our new ca--
- Oh this is--
- Right.
(laughs)
- Eddie, let's tell the
folks about the show.
- Alright, let's not monkey around.
(background talking)
- Hello all of you nice people.
(aircraft going down)
(gun fires)
(blast)
- Hello, I'd like to say a word
about Benchley Athletics supporters.
- I'll be watching and
I hope you will join me
at Hollywood's personal Code of Honor,
The Academy Awards Presentation on ABC.
Did you ever wonder what would happen if,
Holy Christ there's another one.
- [Director] Keep it rolling.
- This is arthritis.
- [Director] Keep it rolling.
- Promo Arthritis.
Did you ever wonder what would happen
if suddenly you found that
you couldn't do something,
this simple for instance.
For instance you suddenly
found you couldn't
tie a tie any longer, or button your coat?
Or do any of the things most of us
have been doing all our lives
and hoped to continue doing?
Well, if any of us gets arthritis that's
what life would be like.
We could be crippled, we could
be living in terrible pain.
Just to do something like this.
Oh well, I gotta flick a lighter on,
they got a lot of props,
what the hell is this.
(laughing)
(eastern music)
(laughing loudly)
- You know you remind me of
a trumpet Mary used to blow.
(laughing)
- Where there's true love,
there has to be faith and trust.
And when these are absent,
no marriage can endure.
- Judge, I don't know if my
wife will forgive me but,
I'd like to drop this suit.
- I've been waiting all afternoon
to hear you say that Norman.
- The petition for divorce
has been withdrawn.
- Alright then, that's all.
Good luck to you both.
- Oh, thank you, you're honor.
- Nina, I wish more of then
could turn out this way.
Keep up the good work.
(laughs)
(50's jazz music)
- Now you stop it.
- This is no way to--
- Keep your nose out of this junior,
my beef's with her.
If I hear so much as a--
- Oh, stuff your ears with cotton!
- I'll stuff cotton--
- Now Mister--
- Oh let me sound off!
- I am so, I'm sorry.
(laughing)
- Story of my life, where
do you want me to begin?
- Oh, I got a pretty good idea,
but I can't think of the goddamn line.
I didn't know we were going this far.
- I imagine a tall suit
against regulations
for you to sit on your
presh-bottom-swivel,
oh God damn!
- Guess it was sort of
a, a protective sense.
I, oh she's such a kid,
I feel like slapping her,
when she does wrong.
And you're like, yes I guess I would.
- Get out!
- There's nothing I'd like more, how?
- Even if I have to break that
door down, I'll get you out!
But first I think you ought to about,
learn about, the (stumbles words)
- We've won, he's gone!
- Don't forget my next.
(blows through lips)
- No, actually I felt it.
What the hell did I feel.
- [Director] Cut!
- [Lady] Why do you always stare at me?
- For the same reason
you've been staring at me.
- [Lady] I don't know
what you're talking about.
- If you didn't you'd be much less, nuts!
Much more astonished.
- You want to leave me?
- I've loved you from the
first moment I saw you.
You're, try, oh nuts!
- Look, I can't talk
about it, but we got it,
I know we got it.
And, holy Jesus if I could think
of that next friggin' line!
- Oh charming.
- What the hell do I say?
- He used to dig for pirate's
gold right over there
when he was a youngster.
He never lost hope of finding Black Beard.
(laughing)
- We're about three months The
Keys will be right livable.
Except for the tourists.
- That black ceasers is rock.
- How'd you know?
- Number one, it's never been here.
I know a lot about these keys,
they were a favorite subject with George.
- He used to dig for buried
treasure right over on that,
island, God damn my soul.
- Linda, I'm amazed.
- You came back expecting
to find a broken bust fly
quivering in the void of
your absence, didn't you?
- Yes, yes you're right.
I expected you to stare at me and hurt.
And I was going to
explain to you in simple
but brotherly terms that
it was better this way.
Much to my amazement it is.
Kinda like old times, isn't it?
- I wouldn't be too sure.
- No, I mean talking, we
always did talk a lot.
- Too much, maybe.
- What do you mean by that?
- I don't know.
Sometimes I think we
talked away everything
that ever meant anything to us.
- Not everything.
(laughing)
- I took the whole goddamn
money and put it away,
and nobody know it--
- [Director] Cut, Danny!
(laughing)
- [Director] Oh that valuable film, Danny!
- Let me live once more.
(background talking)
(background talking)
- [Director] Go!
- Is it rolling now?
- [Director] Hold it!
- Gordon, help, throw some water on me!
Help, help!
- You got a saloon, and a
bank, and a gambling house
you wanna turn over to me?
- The town's full of
'em, and for the taking.
Let Beth and me do more
than just shipments for you.
We're known in town.
We'll ah, we'll ah, ah shit, God bless.
- I offered you pearl
once, you turned it down.
- [American Man] It was
you against me then.
Things are different now.
- Cut, goddamn that line.
- Now listen to me, all of you.
(horses sneezes)
You too. (laughs)
- Margaret, isn't that, of course it is.
- Afternoon Miss.
- I don't like you hurting
his mouth that way.
You can let go now.
- I'm sorry, goddamn my line.
- You'd get the same exercise
if you were a lumber jack.
- Yeah, but would I care to do it?
- You haven't got me, shit!
(trumpet)
- Well, as you know I told Harry James
about a trick you see, he's
getting a roll on his lip.
Going this way, but I
got a little exercise.
(trumpets with lips)
It's good for the lip.
- Over here, over here, fine, thank you.
Madam, fix the keys, please.
That's fine.
(bang)
(laughs)
(gunshot)
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Somebody has to take his place,
and I've been doing Eagon for years.
- What do you want me to do, put on a call
or his oxygen tent?
- Monty, I'm not just thinking of myself.
What about all those
poor kids in the show?
They'll all be losing their jobs.
And the backers with that duel?
And besides, Eagon's got a,
oh Christ that was going good.
And the backers with all that dough?
Oh Christ.
- Napoleon blowing a kiss to Josephine
on his way to St Helena.
You outta be able to top those guys.
- What's with him?
This boy is blowing his, oh Jesus Christ.
(mumbles)
(laughing)
- Do you ever mean to do something
you knew you'd always regret,
but know that you mean
to do it just the same?
- Is that a riddle?
- You know, you live for a long time
and nothing ever happens.
March becomes April, May, oh balls.
- How do we feel you ask?
How do we feel?
- Now Big Chief, come on.
Let's go on to the pee-pee and have a--
(laughing)
- Nice try here Grevor.
(laughing)
- Wonder what our old man's gonna say?
Christ, I don't know.
- Ah yeah you mugs, let
somebody rub this man
here that knows how.
(laughing)
- What are you gonna do?
- Do, gonna go do the
best (stumbles words).
- [Director] Cut!
- Or any other way I am, by me.
I could get you a twist two ways and,
Jesus what the hell (mumbles).
- What does that say and, something.
Oh Christ, said the wrong line there?
- Try to, nuts!
Morla was blackmailing
Rodge with a talking crane.
- [Director] Cut!
- [Director] Oh no.
- Oh goddamn.
- [Director] Start over again,
take your time, start over again.
- And he was just about to snap
an incriminating photograph
when are you gonna cut?
- [Director] Cut.
(laughing)
- Now we've gotta face that's (mumbles)
- The cops don't find, cut!
- I mean do it again,
right now, keep rolling!
- Christ sake, he's a bear,
what the hell do you want from me?
- What's going on back there?
- [Director] Alright boys,
will you for Christ sake!
(gunshot)
- The goddamn gun got stuck!
- Well, men who are engaged must--
- Must play the game.
- Yes.
- Well, let's play.
- Well.
- That's what you think.
Oh Christ, will you get your legs
where they're supposed to be.
(exciting piano music)
- And here in Triple Cities area,
partly cloudy to clear skies and 32.
So all the temperatures are
just about the same as yesterday.
Turning now to our national map.
Get it out for you in just a moment.
- Dave, how long have
converted B-17's like this
been used to fight fires?
- I don't know.
I really don't.
So you better start over again.
- For example, how this company
can walk into the public
service commission,
give very little evidence.
Talk about having higher
rates, larger profits,
and I don't frankly
believe the kind of claim
that they are pushing on.
- An Australian born farmers
wife has been claimed
in an ambush of black
nationalist guerrillas
in the North Eastern part of
Rhodesia, headquarters said.
Also who was soviet back
insurgents have been killed
in crisis over the past 48 hours.
- Well, oh god.
You have to ask,
you have to ask, Mister Lindsey.
- I've some critics in
Philadelphia some time ago,
when Humphrey raises the banner follow me.
- Take 20.
If you were a woman, what
would you like to do?
- A woman, um.
I'd get laid.
- Thank you.
- This has always been
a street of attraction
for tourists and especially young people
who come through here, with the idea
of seeing what skid revel looks like.
- Well are they any any danger at all?
- No danger whatsoever,
there's no danger--
- Hey (mumbles)
- Now listen, we're
conducting an interview here.
- You get out of the
way, get out of the way.
- Go right ahead.
- There's a police car over there,
do you wanna get in front of 'em?
- We're trying to get an interview here,
just go right ahead and
go about your business.
Go right ahead about your business.
You were starting to say
that this is a safe street?
- Yes, it is a safe street.
- Is this a plane that can
run well on one engine?
- It runs best on one
engine, that's all it has.
- That's all it has?
You're right, I see I'm sorry.
- Kernel Loews, you've pioneered the use
of these planes over North Korea at night.
What sort of operation is this, is it new?
- Well John, it's a new war,
it's not North Korea
now, it's North Vietnam.
- Lieutenant General Nguyen
Van Thieu, Chief of State
and Military candidate for
President, finally showed up
at a rally with the civilian candidates.
That story from Charles
Murphy, in South Vietnam.
Well I got that story from Charles,
not quite ready yet.
In the mean time, at the Lake
of the Ozarks in Missouri,
the Sixth Annual Meeting
of the Midwestern Governors
Conference opens today.
High on the agenda, will be such topics
as racial violence in the
cities and politics 1968.
For a report, here is Don
Oliver at the conference.
Well, we'll have that
report a little later too.
The so-called Torch of
Peace is moving slowly
across the continent from
San Francisco this morning
in the hands of a relay of runners.
It is a peace campaign of a new kind.
That story from John
Dancy in San Francisco.
You're kidding?
Well, I have that story a little later on,
I hope we find time for all these things.
Are we going to try
for some of these
stories now, we're ready?
Over the weekend as we told you,
Lieutenant General Van Thieu who is
one of the Presidential
candidates in South Vietnam
finally started some
campaigning with the civilians.
And here's that story now
from Charles Murphy in South Vietnam.
- So what page do you want, Larry?
(explosions)
- Marines say they've
done everything possible
to make this exercise as close
to the real thing as they can.
The only unreal thing about
this hostile environment
is that it will be over
in another four days.
(laughing)
- We're at the Barnamen
Brother, Barner Brothers,
Ringling Brothers Greatest Circus.
I can't say that word much
but I know a good girl when I see her.
Welcome to Mannheimm and the opening night
of The Barnum Brothers.
No wait a minute, let's read it.
Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey.
Here we are in Mannheimm,
at the opening night
of Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey,
Barnum Bailey's, can you do that one?
- Except him with a 14th
combo night in San Diago.
- That's good enough to stand by itself.
This is Bob Wells, Ladies and Gentlemen.
The Ringmaster for the Barnum, Ringling.
- [Interviewer] 16?
- That's correct.
- [Interviewer] Participating
in a national program
on the local level,
what's the number to call?
- The number to call is
two three four, nine.
Nah, does that foul it up?
- And then, instead of
just going up a little bit
like the dollar.
- Watch out, oh David, oh my God.
- Wow, I guess I wasn't
doing so good, huh?
(laughing)
- Oh golly!
- The very first thing he does
before he goes to bed, right.
- We make love and then we
go to sleep, to go to bed.
(laughing)
We do it in the bed,
but then we go to sleep.
(audience laughing)
- I think what I should do, is
perhaps repeat the question.
Hey, you stay out of this judge,
I don't need you right now.
I got enough problems.
This is the first thing he
does before he goes to bed.
- To go to sleep?
- You mean, he goes to
sleep before he goes to bed?
- No, we make love and then go to bed.
- Yeah alright, no!
- It's our ritual.
- Yeah, yeah, right.
It's a heck of a ritual.
(laughing)
This is before, before
he goes to bed, alright?
Forget about all that other
stuff, this is before,
the first thing he does
before he goes to bed.
- Well, once he gets in bed--
- No I don't wanna know about that!
(laughing)
I wanna know before he gets into bed.
- He looks at me.
- Thank you.
(audience applauding)
The first thing you do
before you go to bed?
(laughing and applauding)
- I can't say an answer,
I guess it's because--
- Before you go to bed!
(audience laughing)
- Well, I open the shower
door and then I take a shower.
- What's the first thing you do?
Open the shower door or take a shower?
- Take a shower.
- Oh you take a shower before
you open the door, I see.
'Cause hers is the first thing you do is,
you look at your wife.
- Ah, Brian.
- The first thing I do before I go to bed
is usually urinate.
(laughing)
- Those are the boxes
and, so anyway tonight
on Brannigan's Island, we're
going to play, Money Tree.
And we're gonna play two
tunes for each one of you,
and each of you will have
a money tree with a number
of dollar bills on it, and
I can see by your computer
there, you have $101 on yours.
- Yeah, thanks.
- It's ah, Theresa.
- Theresa Toushi.
- And Theresa, and, that's it, okay.
So, he won the first round.
- Hey, you wanna play motorboat?
(laughing)
- How do you play motorboat?
- I stick my head between her tits and go.
(adience applauding)
- [Narrator] Once upon a time,
there was a lady who set out
to buy her husband Murray a birthday gift.
He wasn't a golfer, a
fisherman, or a book reader,
or even a TV watcher.
In fact Murray did little but
go to business and pay bills.
Especially his wife's bills.
- I know, I'll get him a
pet, he's never had a pet.
- [Narrator] So she told the
shop keeper that she wanted
to purchase a pet for her husband.
- Perhaps he would like a dog?
- No, he wouldn't like a doggie.
- Well, how's about a pussy cat?
- A pussy cat?
A pussy cat I know he wouldn't like.
- Okay, how's about a
cute little monkey-poo?
- No.
Say, what's that?
(funny chirp sound)
- Oh, that's a crunch bird,
but you wouldn't want him,
he's too dangerous to have
around, let me show you.
Crunch bird, the chair.
(ferocious grunts)
(funny chirp sound)
- Oh, now that is something different.
My Murray will enjoy that, how much is it?
- [Narrator] So the lady
bought the crunch bird
and placed it in her living room,
and soon after Murray
came home from business.
It had been a bad day, all
he had done all day long
was pay bills, mainly his
wife's shopping bills.
- (grunting and mumbling)
Bills, where am I gonna
get the money, boy oh
boy, have I got bills.
Hey, what is that?
What is that?
You've been shopping again?
What the hell is that ugly thing?
- It's for you my sweetheart, a pet!
It's a crunch bird!
- Crunch bird, my ass?
(flapping)
(ferocious grunts)
- [Lady] Go ahead Kernel, say something.
- Thank you Major, always a
cheerful alert, okay, okay.
(laughing)
- [Lady] Go ahead Kernel, say something.
- Thank you Major,
always a cheerful alert.
(laughing)
- [Director] Here we go, action.
- [Lady] Go ahead Kernel, say something.
- Thank you Major,
always a ray a sunshine.
Look folks, my--
(laughing)
This is the reason we're not shooting.
- Not am army matter, you jackass.
Where do you think that child came from?
You've got people running around out there
in American soldier suites, making babies,
getting people laid and things like that.
- Well, all quiet on the--
(laughing)
- Well, well, all quiet
on the Eastern front.
And I commit between 'em, grades.
- You might stand a chance
Joe, those are going to pot
are accepting bribes.
- Boob.
- (speaking gibberish)
- Excuse me, Captain Rick.
(laughing)
- And don't forget, you
were the one who saw Houser,
and got 'em right into
Triage, and then after that,
you know, you gave him that hotdog?
- Right, yeah, oh I remember, yes.
Absolutely, sure, cut.
- I'm bringing back a nice surprise.
- I don't know, Hock.
It might be a good idea, you could be.
- You fuck.
(laughing)
Oh, don't do that,
Kernel, Let me go alone.
- [Director] This calls for
somebody who speaks fluent--
- Let's cut the goddamn thing.
(laughing)
- Any idiot can do that.
- You want a bigger challenge,
find us some better movies.
- That should be easy considering the fact
that the best one we've seen in months
is your field pack, your, bah, fang.
The field pack, don't get mad.
- I heard there were no casualties
during my absence.
- There weren't, what the, goddamn it!
- You want mail, get it yourself!
You too!
- Ah, the postman always sneers twice.
- I'll get it, Clinger.
(swears in foreign language)
(laughing)
- Kernel Potter, are you ready to take--
(swears in foreign language)
Could I have missed a bleeder in there?
- I thought of that--
- (swears in foreign language)
- This means I'm getting better, huh Doc?
- Well, it sure looks that way.
- Even if I'm not I sure like
going better than not going.
Last few days I knew how it
built to be bouldered down.
- You just take it easy, you still.
- I can't work with these people.
(laughing)
- [Kernel] You wearing a green tuxedo,
or you dance where they tell you.
- But Kernel, perhaps
in this case the army
has made an error?
Private Conway really
doesn't belong in the--
(stumbles words)
Infantry company.
- Well, how are we doing?
(speaks in foreign language)
- What is he saying?
- Either he's thanking
me for saving his life
or he's ah, he's got Chinese shorts.
(laughing)
- Margaret Houlihan,
you're out of your mind.
You're barking up the wrong tree, oh shit.
- Jay's addressing this afternoon
and under no circumstances
is he allowed to--
(stumbles words)
(laughing)
- Margaret, prepare to amputate.
- Isn't there any chance
we can reconstruct?
- The artery is gone, I
can't, I'm gonna need time.
If I safe this leg I loose that life.
(laughing)
- Now for the last time (stumbles words).
Hold, hold.
- Mister Rosette , oh shit.
- Somebody give him a hand.
- No, stay where you are,
my nose is coming out again!
(laughing)
- Our Sales Manager, Martin
Carter Price and Plummet,
here in Mission Valley.
Hey, here's proof positive
that Martin Karter means
business, look at this?
A brand new, full factory
equipped Vant, '68 model.
1985 delivered here at Martin
Carter Price and Plewman.
We're open seven days a week
till nine o'clock at night
for your shopping convenience.
Want something a little
bit bigger, here you go.
A full factory equipped
'68 brand new Vant,
four-door sedan, V8 engine,
automatic transmission.
- Scene one, number one, 60 seconds.
- Hi there, Ray Strubhart sales Manager
at Martin Carter Price and Plummet,
in Mission Valley.
The May Comney Shopping
Area is right across
this freeway in front of us.
You been thinking about
swapping that car off,
getting a new model?
Well, by golly look at this.
A brand new 1968.
- Scene one, number one, 60 seconds.
- Hi, Ray Strubhart,
- Hi, Ray Strubhart, Sales Manager
at Martin Carter Price
and Plummet dealership,
in Mission Valley.
We're just across the freeway
from the May Comney Shopping Area.
You've been thinking of
swapping that Ford off,
or car off.
May as well cut it, I blew that one.
- Ah, wreck, I am a wreck.
- Why are you so uptight this morning?
- Oh, I've got my interview today.
Where did I leave my eyelashes?
- You'll feel a lot cooler if you
just use some Johnson's
powder, baby powder.
- Why did I cut my hair?
I look like a squirrel, who am I?
- I have no idea, but
you'll feel a lot better
if you just use some baby powder.
- [Narrator] If it's going
to be one of those days
when you need to keep a
little cooler, a little drier
and a lot more comfortable,
use pure Johnson's baby Powder.
- Oh my baby powder,
oh boy do I need that.
- American sportsman.
- My God.
That may be the steaks on you.
Any pink meat fish is delicious.
- Anything pink is delicious.
Even the teaton.
My Wyoming pal, you know something.
You don't need any lemon,
any butter or anything.
Jesus Christ turn that off,
this fish is killing me.
(laughing)
God damn!
Oh Christ almighty.
Turn the thing off.
(gong)
(train horn)
(thump)
(quirky music)
(quirky music)
(quirky music)
(quirky orchestral music)
(quirky orchestral music)
- Could I ride it?
- Well, do you have a drivers license?
- Sure.
- Do you have insurance?
- Insurance?
I got everything.
Can I get in there?
- Well I guess so.
- Alright, I always loved to do this.
I don't know if I can get
my legs in there or not.
(laughing)
What is this here?
(laughing)
You don't think that's gonna work?
Maybe if I put my legs across.
I can put them here, huh?
(laughing)
(laughing loudly)
Alright, that's the break, huh?
(engine running)
(laughing)
(laughing and screaming)
(audience applauding)
Do we have something else to do here?
- Thank God we are back
to seek a deal with evil.
- Baptists!
You call yourself a baptist?
You, you witch!
You red-neck, self-righteous! (screaming)
- Hold on a minute now, look.
We didn't mean to scare you.
My name's John Pendleton, this is my son.
- You're name is not John Pendleton.
- Beck Ferraro says you can't,
you got more timber to cut.
- Gosh, put the break on quick.
- Who's Yullen?
- [Lady] I thought he's married again.
- Look ah, why don't you
gather your things together
and we'll just hop this plane
and we'll be in Paris tomorrow morning.
(tongue noise)
- Mary Allen, have you
gone crazy, let him down!
- It was my idea to come up here.
- Well that's no reason
to hang him by his balls
from a Christmas tree!
(stumbling words) to hang him by the,
to hang him by his balls (laughing).
(horse whinny)
- I am Mindy, Cat Woman from Mars.
- Mindy, what are you doing?
(laughing)
- Hey! (laughing)
everyone one-speed orgasm. (laughing)
So if you've read this by
now, you've already come.
Good America will not name or deface
your kitchen vegetables.
Gonna make an exciting new product.
How many times you owned
a pillow (stumbles words).
(laughing)
I blew it again.
Just slow down, make the lines count.
- Aw, come on you guys, stop
screw, stop fooling around.
(laughing)
- Wow, does that mean
we can say shit now too?
- Mork, those people weren't
throwing white pebbles,
that was rice.
You see, and it's what people do.
I forgot the line. (laughing)
- [Director] Please stand by, please, and.
- [Man] Nice energy. (laughing)
- Who was that asshole?
- But that's all behind me.
I've got my savings, and
I've got my new Cedelac,
and I can't think of the line.
- You can push it, you can kick it,
you can throw it across the room
and it will not do anything.
That's right, it will do nothing.
That's just like (stumbles words).
(laughs)
You can kick it, you can
shove it, you can throw it!
(stumbles words) I think we've lost it!
- Zippy the Bold, and
his son (stumbles words).
(laughing)
So many lines, going through my mind.
I don't know who I am!
(laughing)
- There's one thing I hate,
it's sitting in a room
full of losers listening to some--
(laughing)
- Then Nomatic, from the
people who brought you
frozen, um (laughs) one second.
(laughing)
- In democracy, everyone
just gets one vote.
- Can someone vote twice?
- No, in democracy
people just get one vote.
(laughing)
- Okay, that sounds good to me.
(laughing)
I'll go over here, and eat some socks.
- That must have been terrible.
- Yeah, I became a boy scout
and an oxygenar at the same time.
(laughing)
Don't laugh yet!
I get it, shut the fuck
up, you know what I mean?
(laughing)
That reminds me of a joke.
What do you get when you
cross a bull and an onion?
- A piece of ass that
makes your eyes water.
(laughing)
- [ Narrator] Welcome to a new series,
it's cinematographers and folk fishing.
Pan around in 180 and see
if anything else interesting
hits us before we get
back there on the stage.
Can you do that?
(jazz music)
There's a man standing in
the middle of the street.
Now he's walking eight
feet, stepped on the curb.
(laughing)
- [Reporter] Newsman were
questioning this Miss Bryan
about her national crusade
against gay persons
when four self-proclaimed
homosexuals from Minneapolis
interrupted today's proceedings.
- If we were gonna go on a
crusade across the nation
to try to do away with the homosexuals.
Then we certainly would
have done it on June the 8th
after one of the most
overwhelming victories
in the country.
But we didn't, we tried to avoid it,
and went into a place
called North Port, Virginia,
and we were met with protects
and all kinds of problems,
and uh, every--
- [Male Speaker] No, No,
let 'em stay, let 'em stay.
- No!
Well at least it's a fruit pie.
- Marian Anderson,
my pleasure to present you
with a Cris award, ah retake!
- Toughest muscles, and the grooviest bod,
and the nicest mind.
I mean he is out of sight
and right on and together.
- Do you think he's gonna win the fight?
- I think gonna kick the
shit out of the asshole.
- Oh yeah, you really think so, huh?
- Yeah, that mother fucker really knows
where to put his hands.
- Where would you like him
to put his hands on you?
- Any place he, ah. (laughs)
Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere!
- Wait a minute, don't go away.
Any place in particular you'd
like him to put his hands?
- Well my tits, my ass,
my cunt, my anywhere.
What else is left?
- Well basically, you'd like to go,
you'd like to go to bed with George, huh?
- I could dick him, for about 15 months.
- That's good, I understand you're
gonna take your clothes off tonight?
- Yes, if I get a chance
I'm gonna jump right up in the ring
and take my clothes off, and do my thing.
- And what thing would you like to do?
- Anything I can, with him, just him.
- Okay, any preview look?
- Now?
- [Reporter] Yeah.
- Yes. (giggles)
- [Narrator] Nobody does it better.
- Then you did see the good in him?
- I saw, I don't know
what I saw 'cause I'm up.
(laughing)
Gah, this is Elizabeth Taylor!
(audience cheering)
- You shoulda heard me yesterday.
(laughing)
- Ladies and Gentlemen,
Misses Mikos Cassadine.
- I have seen General Hosef-hospital.
(laughing)
I have seen General
Hospital, and the university,
and I approve.
As my husband would have approved.
Misa-Mikos Casse.
I'm sorry! (laughs)
As my husband would have approved.
Mikos Cassedine, had a deep abiding love.
I said Cassedine?
- [Male Speaker] That's right.
- Oh shit!
(laughing)
I see I tardled myself, I'm sorry folks.
I'm not used to acting.
(laughing)
I am here to prove that the
name of Mikos Cassedine.
- You're on a roll, keep going alright.
- I didn't say it right?
- [Lady Speaker] You did too!
(laughing)
- It blew my mind, I got it right!
- It's alright, I blundered
up with Casseus too.
(background talking)
- Now do I say remove Casseus,
I haven't forgotten my memory.
That's a lot I took away from
you, and you took it back.
- [Director] Yes, yes,
you say Ruth Casseus,
I have a good memory.
That would work out very well.
- It's yours, hey.
(laughing)
- Hey you won on the deal!
- You can have, Mikos Cassedine.
- (laughs) Dine, dine!
- Mikos Cassedine.
- Dine, Cassedine.
- As in diners club.
- Dine.
- [Director] Five, four, three, two.
- I am here to prove that the name
of Mikos Cassedine.
(laughing)
- Yes, what about Mikos Cassedine?
- Gentleman, Misses Mikos Cassedine.
- Doctor Weber, the
father of the bride to be?
- Yes that's right.
- Please convey my regret to your wife,
I was indisposed when she
tried to (stumbles words).
I screwed that up, just wonderfully.
- What am I doing here?
(laughs)
- [Captain Kirk] Captains
log, Stardate, ah--
- Captain, are you alright?
You sound tired.
Acknowledge Captain,
is everything alright?
- Somebody help the Captain!
(laughing)
- Ha ha ha.
(bleep)
(screaming)
- May drill, may drill!
- It's horrible!
(mission impossible music)
(lively trumpet music)
- Are you challenging me to a duel?
- Yes, if you have the courage?
(laughs loudly)
(gun shot)
(bleep)
- Lieutenant, put Yak on audio.
- If you say so Mister Spock, sugar.
- I will kiss you.
- No, it is illogical.
- Shit.
- It's alright baby, I made
a mistake this morning.
- Do you think it would cause a breakdown
of discipline if the
lonely Lieutenant kissed
the star of the ship Captain?
(laughing)
- I had warp factor one.
- Okay, smart ass.
(bang)
- Ya liked the show?
Go home and tell your friends.
If you didn't like it, don't go home.
(audience applauding)
(silly whistle tune)
(silly whistle tune)
(audience clapping)
(gong)
- I loved you from the
first minute I saw you,
and you knew it.
You tried to, nuts!
(laughs)
(gong)
- I have seen General
Hos-ef, Hospital. (laughs)
(gong)
- He used to dig for pirates
gold right over there
when he was a youngster.
He never lost hope in finding Black Beard.
(laughs loud)
(gong)
- Are you challenging me to a duel?
- Yes, if you have the courage?
(laughing)
(gong)
(quirky trumpet music)
(quirky trumpet music)
(quirky music)
(gong)
- Where would you like him
to put his hands on you?
- Any place he, (laughs)
Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.
- Wait a minute, don't go away.
Any place in particular you'd
like him to put his hands?
- Well my tits, my ass,
my cunt, my anywhere.
(laughs) What else is left?
(drum roll)
(gong)
(quirky trumpet music)
- Are you quite through?
- Not all together,
stick around for an hour.
- Give me a chance, I'd
like to respond as follows;
whatever charges I've
made here are documented
and I will prove them,
that, that's number one.
Number two, I'm not attacking anyone
as you attacked me last night.
You decided to smear
me, you went after me,
I went after facts.
- It's a good thing--
- I don't have to stand here
and take it.
But I'll change, I'll exchange with you
anytime, any place.
I'll debate you any place,
but let's stick to facts
and forget the emotion,
because if we get emotional then it
isn't gonna be both sides
now, it's gonna a repeat
of your first show of eight years ago.
And the reason you were
off here for eight years.
- If you were--
- If you've gotta go to that,
and resort to that, then we're in trouble.
- Now I've praised you at great length--
- Hey listen, back up
Godzilla, just back up--
- I praised you on ABC the other night--
- I'm not elaborating my point, shut up!
You have changed,
I've praised you many times.
- Shut your fucking mouth for a change!
- [Director] Cut the tape please,
there's no sense if proceeding.
- Get your finger outta my face,
or they'll pick you up with a sieve.
- Don't cry.
- Oh no, Emily.
I am not lost, oh Christ, son of a bitch.
- What was it?
What was the berry that, son of a bitch.
(laughs)
(bang bang bang)
- Oh, son of a ba-di-di!
Son of a ba-di-di!
Son of a ba-di-di, gun!
(laughs) You thought I was gonna say,
son of a bitch, didn't ya?
(peaceful orchestral music)
(peaceful orchestral music)
(gloomy music)
(background talking)
- Oh-oh.
- [Director] Action!
- Hello there all of you
nice people in St Louis.
I thought maybe you'd
like to see some scenes
from our Mickey series.
For some strange reason we decided.
How many seconds is this piece of shit?
- Okay.
- I don't like it I tell you.
As long as I'm a circus boss,
there will always be a
bunk for you on the train.
- And a free bowl of soup I suppose?
Well I don't need you charity!
Don't you worry, Klansey and me,
we'll show 'em, won't cha'?
Come on ya big, God damn, dumb horse!
Why don't you move?
For Christ sake.
- It's bad to read, I'm
reading off here, right?
Can you put it close to the camera?
- I'm not afraid of you.
- I'm afraid of you, you've
been here less than 12 hours
and you've caused more chaos
than we've ever had as well.
- [Director] St Louis, take two.
- Hello all of you nice
people there in St Louis.
Thought you'd like to see some of, scene.
- [Director] Action!
(background talking)
- Here!
- Oh come on will ya!
- Oh! (laugh)
(laughing loudly)
- Hi there all of you nice people.
I thought that maybe you'd
like to see some scenes
from our new ca--
- Oh this is--
- Right.
(laughs)
- Eddie, let's tell the
folks about the show.
- Alright, let's not monkey around.
(background talking)
- Hello all of you nice people.
(aircraft going down)
(gun fires)
(blast)
- Hello, I'd like to say a word
about Benchley Athletics supporters.
- I'll be watching and
I hope you will join me
at Hollywood's personal Code of Honor,
The Academy Awards Presentation on ABC.
Did you ever wonder what would happen if,
Holy Christ there's another one.
- [Director] Keep it rolling.
- This is arthritis.
- [Director] Keep it rolling.
- Promo Arthritis.
Did you ever wonder what would happen
if suddenly you found that
you couldn't do something,
this simple for instance.
For instance you suddenly
found you couldn't
tie a tie any longer, or button your coat?
Or do any of the things most of us
have been doing all our lives
and hoped to continue doing?
Well, if any of us gets arthritis that's
what life would be like.
We could be crippled, we could
be living in terrible pain.
Just to do something like this.
Oh well, I gotta flick a lighter on,
they got a lot of props,
what the hell is this.
(laughing)
(eastern music)
(laughing loudly)
- You know you remind me of
a trumpet Mary used to blow.
(laughing)
- Where there's true love,
there has to be faith and trust.
And when these are absent,
no marriage can endure.
- Judge, I don't know if my
wife will forgive me but,
I'd like to drop this suit.
- I've been waiting all afternoon
to hear you say that Norman.
- The petition for divorce
has been withdrawn.
- Alright then, that's all.
Good luck to you both.
- Oh, thank you, you're honor.
- Nina, I wish more of then
could turn out this way.
Keep up the good work.
(laughs)
(50's jazz music)
- Now you stop it.
- This is no way to--
- Keep your nose out of this junior,
my beef's with her.
If I hear so much as a--
- Oh, stuff your ears with cotton!
- I'll stuff cotton--
- Now Mister--
- Oh let me sound off!
- I am so, I'm sorry.
(laughing)
- Story of my life, where
do you want me to begin?
- Oh, I got a pretty good idea,
but I can't think of the goddamn line.
I didn't know we were going this far.
- I imagine a tall suit
against regulations
for you to sit on your
presh-bottom-swivel,
oh God damn!
- Guess it was sort of
a, a protective sense.
I, oh she's such a kid,
I feel like slapping her,
when she does wrong.
And you're like, yes I guess I would.
- Get out!
- There's nothing I'd like more, how?
- Even if I have to break that
door down, I'll get you out!
But first I think you ought to about,
learn about, the (stumbles words)
- We've won, he's gone!
- Don't forget my next.
(blows through lips)
- No, actually I felt it.
What the hell did I feel.
- [Director] Cut!
- [Lady] Why do you always stare at me?
- For the same reason
you've been staring at me.
- [Lady] I don't know
what you're talking about.
- If you didn't you'd be much less, nuts!
Much more astonished.
- You want to leave me?
- I've loved you from the
first moment I saw you.
You're, try, oh nuts!
- Look, I can't talk
about it, but we got it,
I know we got it.
And, holy Jesus if I could think
of that next friggin' line!
- Oh charming.
- What the hell do I say?
- He used to dig for pirate's
gold right over there
when he was a youngster.
He never lost hope of finding Black Beard.
(laughing)
- We're about three months The
Keys will be right livable.
Except for the tourists.
- That black ceasers is rock.
- How'd you know?
- Number one, it's never been here.
I know a lot about these keys,
they were a favorite subject with George.
- He used to dig for buried
treasure right over on that,
island, God damn my soul.
- Linda, I'm amazed.
- You came back expecting
to find a broken bust fly
quivering in the void of
your absence, didn't you?
- Yes, yes you're right.
I expected you to stare at me and hurt.
And I was going to
explain to you in simple
but brotherly terms that
it was better this way.
Much to my amazement it is.
Kinda like old times, isn't it?
- I wouldn't be too sure.
- No, I mean talking, we
always did talk a lot.
- Too much, maybe.
- What do you mean by that?
- I don't know.
Sometimes I think we
talked away everything
that ever meant anything to us.
- Not everything.
(laughing)
- I took the whole goddamn
money and put it away,
and nobody know it--
- [Director] Cut, Danny!
(laughing)
- [Director] Oh that valuable film, Danny!
- Let me live once more.
(background talking)
(background talking)
- [Director] Go!
- Is it rolling now?
- [Director] Hold it!
- Gordon, help, throw some water on me!
Help, help!
- You got a saloon, and a
bank, and a gambling house
you wanna turn over to me?
- The town's full of
'em, and for the taking.
Let Beth and me do more
than just shipments for you.
We're known in town.
We'll ah, we'll ah, ah shit, God bless.
- I offered you pearl
once, you turned it down.
- [American Man] It was
you against me then.
Things are different now.
- Cut, goddamn that line.
- Now listen to me, all of you.
(horses sneezes)
You too. (laughs)
- Margaret, isn't that, of course it is.
- Afternoon Miss.
- I don't like you hurting
his mouth that way.
You can let go now.
- I'm sorry, goddamn my line.
- You'd get the same exercise
if you were a lumber jack.
- Yeah, but would I care to do it?
- You haven't got me, shit!
(trumpet)
- Well, as you know I told Harry James
about a trick you see, he's
getting a roll on his lip.
Going this way, but I
got a little exercise.
(trumpets with lips)
It's good for the lip.
- Over here, over here, fine, thank you.
Madam, fix the keys, please.
That's fine.
(bang)
(laughs)
(gunshot)
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Somebody has to take his place,
and I've been doing Eagon for years.
- What do you want me to do, put on a call
or his oxygen tent?
- Monty, I'm not just thinking of myself.
What about all those
poor kids in the show?
They'll all be losing their jobs.
And the backers with that duel?
And besides, Eagon's got a,
oh Christ that was going good.
And the backers with all that dough?
Oh Christ.
- Napoleon blowing a kiss to Josephine
on his way to St Helena.
You outta be able to top those guys.
- What's with him?
This boy is blowing his, oh Jesus Christ.
(mumbles)
(laughing)
- Do you ever mean to do something
you knew you'd always regret,
but know that you mean
to do it just the same?
- Is that a riddle?
- You know, you live for a long time
and nothing ever happens.
March becomes April, May, oh balls.
- How do we feel you ask?
How do we feel?
- Now Big Chief, come on.
Let's go on to the pee-pee and have a--
(laughing)
- Nice try here Grevor.
(laughing)
- Wonder what our old man's gonna say?
Christ, I don't know.
- Ah yeah you mugs, let
somebody rub this man
here that knows how.
(laughing)
- What are you gonna do?
- Do, gonna go do the
best (stumbles words).
- [Director] Cut!
- Or any other way I am, by me.
I could get you a twist two ways and,
Jesus what the hell (mumbles).
- What does that say and, something.
Oh Christ, said the wrong line there?
- Try to, nuts!
Morla was blackmailing
Rodge with a talking crane.
- [Director] Cut!
- [Director] Oh no.
- Oh goddamn.
- [Director] Start over again,
take your time, start over again.
- And he was just about to snap
an incriminating photograph
when are you gonna cut?
- [Director] Cut.
(laughing)
- Now we've gotta face that's (mumbles)
- The cops don't find, cut!
- I mean do it again,
right now, keep rolling!
- Christ sake, he's a bear,
what the hell do you want from me?
- What's going on back there?
- [Director] Alright boys,
will you for Christ sake!
(gunshot)
- The goddamn gun got stuck!
- Well, men who are engaged must--
- Must play the game.
- Yes.
- Well, let's play.
- Well.
- That's what you think.
Oh Christ, will you get your legs
where they're supposed to be.
(exciting piano music)
- And here in Triple Cities area,
partly cloudy to clear skies and 32.
So all the temperatures are
just about the same as yesterday.
Turning now to our national map.
Get it out for you in just a moment.
- Dave, how long have
converted B-17's like this
been used to fight fires?
- I don't know.
I really don't.
So you better start over again.
- For example, how this company
can walk into the public
service commission,
give very little evidence.
Talk about having higher
rates, larger profits,
and I don't frankly
believe the kind of claim
that they are pushing on.
- An Australian born farmers
wife has been claimed
in an ambush of black
nationalist guerrillas
in the North Eastern part of
Rhodesia, headquarters said.
Also who was soviet back
insurgents have been killed
in crisis over the past 48 hours.
- Well, oh god.
You have to ask,
you have to ask, Mister Lindsey.
- I've some critics in
Philadelphia some time ago,
when Humphrey raises the banner follow me.
- Take 20.
If you were a woman, what
would you like to do?
- A woman, um.
I'd get laid.
- Thank you.
- This has always been
a street of attraction
for tourists and especially young people
who come through here, with the idea
of seeing what skid revel looks like.
- Well are they any any danger at all?
- No danger whatsoever,
there's no danger--
- Hey (mumbles)
- Now listen, we're
conducting an interview here.
- You get out of the
way, get out of the way.
- Go right ahead.
- There's a police car over there,
do you wanna get in front of 'em?
- We're trying to get an interview here,
just go right ahead and
go about your business.
Go right ahead about your business.
You were starting to say
that this is a safe street?
- Yes, it is a safe street.
- Is this a plane that can
run well on one engine?
- It runs best on one
engine, that's all it has.
- That's all it has?
You're right, I see I'm sorry.
- Kernel Loews, you've pioneered the use
of these planes over North Korea at night.
What sort of operation is this, is it new?
- Well John, it's a new war,
it's not North Korea
now, it's North Vietnam.
- Lieutenant General Nguyen
Van Thieu, Chief of State
and Military candidate for
President, finally showed up
at a rally with the civilian candidates.
That story from Charles
Murphy, in South Vietnam.
Well I got that story from Charles,
not quite ready yet.
In the mean time, at the Lake
of the Ozarks in Missouri,
the Sixth Annual Meeting
of the Midwestern Governors
Conference opens today.
High on the agenda, will be such topics
as racial violence in the
cities and politics 1968.
For a report, here is Don
Oliver at the conference.
Well, we'll have that
report a little later too.
The so-called Torch of
Peace is moving slowly
across the continent from
San Francisco this morning
in the hands of a relay of runners.
It is a peace campaign of a new kind.
That story from John
Dancy in San Francisco.
You're kidding?
Well, I have that story a little later on,
I hope we find time for all these things.
Are we going to try
for some of these
stories now, we're ready?
Over the weekend as we told you,
Lieutenant General Van Thieu who is
one of the Presidential
candidates in South Vietnam
finally started some
campaigning with the civilians.
And here's that story now
from Charles Murphy in South Vietnam.
- So what page do you want, Larry?
(explosions)
- Marines say they've
done everything possible
to make this exercise as close
to the real thing as they can.
The only unreal thing about
this hostile environment
is that it will be over
in another four days.
(laughing)
- We're at the Barnamen
Brother, Barner Brothers,
Ringling Brothers Greatest Circus.
I can't say that word much
but I know a good girl when I see her.
Welcome to Mannheimm and the opening night
of The Barnum Brothers.
No wait a minute, let's read it.
Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey.
Here we are in Mannheimm,
at the opening night
of Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey,
Barnum Bailey's, can you do that one?
- Except him with a 14th
combo night in San Diago.
- That's good enough to stand by itself.
This is Bob Wells, Ladies and Gentlemen.
The Ringmaster for the Barnum, Ringling.
- [Interviewer] 16?
- That's correct.
- [Interviewer] Participating
in a national program
on the local level,
what's the number to call?
- The number to call is
two three four, nine.
Nah, does that foul it up?
- And then, instead of
just going up a little bit
like the dollar.
- Watch out, oh David, oh my God.
- Wow, I guess I wasn't
doing so good, huh?
(laughing)
- Oh golly!
- The very first thing he does
before he goes to bed, right.
- We make love and then we
go to sleep, to go to bed.
(laughing)
We do it in the bed,
but then we go to sleep.
(audience laughing)
- I think what I should do, is
perhaps repeat the question.
Hey, you stay out of this judge,
I don't need you right now.
I got enough problems.
This is the first thing he
does before he goes to bed.
- To go to sleep?
- You mean, he goes to
sleep before he goes to bed?
- No, we make love and then go to bed.
- Yeah alright, no!
- It's our ritual.
- Yeah, yeah, right.
It's a heck of a ritual.
(laughing)
This is before, before
he goes to bed, alright?
Forget about all that other
stuff, this is before,
the first thing he does
before he goes to bed.
- Well, once he gets in bed--
- No I don't wanna know about that!
(laughing)
I wanna know before he gets into bed.
- He looks at me.
- Thank you.
(audience applauding)
The first thing you do
before you go to bed?
(laughing and applauding)
- I can't say an answer,
I guess it's because--
- Before you go to bed!
(audience laughing)
- Well, I open the shower
door and then I take a shower.
- What's the first thing you do?
Open the shower door or take a shower?
- Take a shower.
- Oh you take a shower before
you open the door, I see.
'Cause hers is the first thing you do is,
you look at your wife.
- Ah, Brian.
- The first thing I do before I go to bed
is usually urinate.
(laughing)
- Those are the boxes
and, so anyway tonight
on Brannigan's Island, we're
going to play, Money Tree.
And we're gonna play two
tunes for each one of you,
and each of you will have
a money tree with a number
of dollar bills on it, and
I can see by your computer
there, you have $101 on yours.
- Yeah, thanks.
- It's ah, Theresa.
- Theresa Toushi.
- And Theresa, and, that's it, okay.
So, he won the first round.
- Hey, you wanna play motorboat?
(laughing)
- How do you play motorboat?
- I stick my head between her tits and go.
(adience applauding)
- [Narrator] Once upon a time,
there was a lady who set out
to buy her husband Murray a birthday gift.
He wasn't a golfer, a
fisherman, or a book reader,
or even a TV watcher.
In fact Murray did little but
go to business and pay bills.
Especially his wife's bills.
- I know, I'll get him a
pet, he's never had a pet.
- [Narrator] So she told the
shop keeper that she wanted
to purchase a pet for her husband.
- Perhaps he would like a dog?
- No, he wouldn't like a doggie.
- Well, how's about a pussy cat?
- A pussy cat?
A pussy cat I know he wouldn't like.
- Okay, how's about a
cute little monkey-poo?
- No.
Say, what's that?
(funny chirp sound)
- Oh, that's a crunch bird,
but you wouldn't want him,
he's too dangerous to have
around, let me show you.
Crunch bird, the chair.
(ferocious grunts)
(funny chirp sound)
- Oh, now that is something different.
My Murray will enjoy that, how much is it?
- [Narrator] So the lady
bought the crunch bird
and placed it in her living room,
and soon after Murray
came home from business.
It had been a bad day, all
he had done all day long
was pay bills, mainly his
wife's shopping bills.
- (grunting and mumbling)
Bills, where am I gonna
get the money, boy oh
boy, have I got bills.
Hey, what is that?
What is that?
You've been shopping again?
What the hell is that ugly thing?
- It's for you my sweetheart, a pet!
It's a crunch bird!
- Crunch bird, my ass?
(flapping)
(ferocious grunts)
- [Lady] Go ahead Kernel, say something.
- Thank you Major, always a
cheerful alert, okay, okay.
(laughing)
- [Lady] Go ahead Kernel, say something.
- Thank you Major,
always a cheerful alert.
(laughing)
- [Director] Here we go, action.
- [Lady] Go ahead Kernel, say something.
- Thank you Major,
always a ray a sunshine.
Look folks, my--
(laughing)
This is the reason we're not shooting.
- Not am army matter, you jackass.
Where do you think that child came from?
You've got people running around out there
in American soldier suites, making babies,
getting people laid and things like that.
- Well, all quiet on the--
(laughing)
- Well, well, all quiet
on the Eastern front.
And I commit between 'em, grades.
- You might stand a chance
Joe, those are going to pot
are accepting bribes.
- Boob.
- (speaking gibberish)
- Excuse me, Captain Rick.
(laughing)
- And don't forget, you
were the one who saw Houser,
and got 'em right into
Triage, and then after that,
you know, you gave him that hotdog?
- Right, yeah, oh I remember, yes.
Absolutely, sure, cut.
- I'm bringing back a nice surprise.
- I don't know, Hock.
It might be a good idea, you could be.
- You fuck.
(laughing)
Oh, don't do that,
Kernel, Let me go alone.
- [Director] This calls for
somebody who speaks fluent--
- Let's cut the goddamn thing.
(laughing)
- Any idiot can do that.
- You want a bigger challenge,
find us some better movies.
- That should be easy considering the fact
that the best one we've seen in months
is your field pack, your, bah, fang.
The field pack, don't get mad.
- I heard there were no casualties
during my absence.
- There weren't, what the, goddamn it!
- You want mail, get it yourself!
You too!
- Ah, the postman always sneers twice.
- I'll get it, Clinger.
(swears in foreign language)
(laughing)
- Kernel Potter, are you ready to take--
(swears in foreign language)
Could I have missed a bleeder in there?
- I thought of that--
- (swears in foreign language)
- This means I'm getting better, huh Doc?
- Well, it sure looks that way.
- Even if I'm not I sure like
going better than not going.
Last few days I knew how it
built to be bouldered down.
- You just take it easy, you still.
- I can't work with these people.
(laughing)
- [Kernel] You wearing a green tuxedo,
or you dance where they tell you.
- But Kernel, perhaps
in this case the army
has made an error?
Private Conway really
doesn't belong in the--
(stumbles words)
Infantry company.
- Well, how are we doing?
(speaks in foreign language)
- What is he saying?
- Either he's thanking
me for saving his life
or he's ah, he's got Chinese shorts.
(laughing)
- Margaret Houlihan,
you're out of your mind.
You're barking up the wrong tree, oh shit.
- Jay's addressing this afternoon
and under no circumstances
is he allowed to--
(stumbles words)
(laughing)
- Margaret, prepare to amputate.
- Isn't there any chance
we can reconstruct?
- The artery is gone, I
can't, I'm gonna need time.
If I safe this leg I loose that life.
(laughing)
- Now for the last time (stumbles words).
Hold, hold.
- Mister Rosette , oh shit.
- Somebody give him a hand.
- No, stay where you are,
my nose is coming out again!
(laughing)
- Our Sales Manager, Martin
Carter Price and Plummet,
here in Mission Valley.
Hey, here's proof positive
that Martin Karter means
business, look at this?
A brand new, full factory
equipped Vant, '68 model.
1985 delivered here at Martin
Carter Price and Plewman.
We're open seven days a week
till nine o'clock at night
for your shopping convenience.
Want something a little
bit bigger, here you go.
A full factory equipped
'68 brand new Vant,
four-door sedan, V8 engine,
automatic transmission.
- Scene one, number one, 60 seconds.
- Hi there, Ray Strubhart sales Manager
at Martin Carter Price and Plummet,
in Mission Valley.
The May Comney Shopping
Area is right across
this freeway in front of us.
You been thinking about
swapping that car off,
getting a new model?
Well, by golly look at this.
A brand new 1968.
- Scene one, number one, 60 seconds.
- Hi, Ray Strubhart,
- Hi, Ray Strubhart, Sales Manager
at Martin Carter Price
and Plummet dealership,
in Mission Valley.
We're just across the freeway
from the May Comney Shopping Area.
You've been thinking of
swapping that Ford off,
or car off.
May as well cut it, I blew that one.
- Ah, wreck, I am a wreck.
- Why are you so uptight this morning?
- Oh, I've got my interview today.
Where did I leave my eyelashes?
- You'll feel a lot cooler if you
just use some Johnson's
powder, baby powder.
- Why did I cut my hair?
I look like a squirrel, who am I?
- I have no idea, but
you'll feel a lot better
if you just use some baby powder.
- [Narrator] If it's going
to be one of those days
when you need to keep a
little cooler, a little drier
and a lot more comfortable,
use pure Johnson's baby Powder.
- Oh my baby powder,
oh boy do I need that.
- American sportsman.
- My God.
That may be the steaks on you.
Any pink meat fish is delicious.
- Anything pink is delicious.
Even the teaton.
My Wyoming pal, you know something.
You don't need any lemon,
any butter or anything.
Jesus Christ turn that off,
this fish is killing me.
(laughing)
God damn!
Oh Christ almighty.
Turn the thing off.
(gong)
(train horn)
(thump)
(quirky music)
(quirky music)
(quirky music)
(quirky orchestral music)
(quirky orchestral music)
- Could I ride it?
- Well, do you have a drivers license?
- Sure.
- Do you have insurance?
- Insurance?
I got everything.
Can I get in there?
- Well I guess so.
- Alright, I always loved to do this.
I don't know if I can get
my legs in there or not.
(laughing)
What is this here?
(laughing)
You don't think that's gonna work?
Maybe if I put my legs across.
I can put them here, huh?
(laughing)
(laughing loudly)
Alright, that's the break, huh?
(engine running)
(laughing)
(laughing and screaming)
(audience applauding)
Do we have something else to do here?
- Thank God we are back
to seek a deal with evil.
- Baptists!
You call yourself a baptist?
You, you witch!
You red-neck, self-righteous! (screaming)
- Hold on a minute now, look.
We didn't mean to scare you.
My name's John Pendleton, this is my son.
- You're name is not John Pendleton.
- Beck Ferraro says you can't,
you got more timber to cut.
- Gosh, put the break on quick.
- Who's Yullen?
- [Lady] I thought he's married again.
- Look ah, why don't you
gather your things together
and we'll just hop this plane
and we'll be in Paris tomorrow morning.
(tongue noise)
- Mary Allen, have you
gone crazy, let him down!
- It was my idea to come up here.
- Well that's no reason
to hang him by his balls
from a Christmas tree!
(stumbling words) to hang him by the,
to hang him by his balls (laughing).
(horse whinny)
- I am Mindy, Cat Woman from Mars.
- Mindy, what are you doing?
(laughing)
- Hey! (laughing)
everyone one-speed orgasm. (laughing)
So if you've read this by
now, you've already come.
Good America will not name or deface
your kitchen vegetables.
Gonna make an exciting new product.
How many times you owned
a pillow (stumbles words).
(laughing)
I blew it again.
Just slow down, make the lines count.
- Aw, come on you guys, stop
screw, stop fooling around.
(laughing)
- Wow, does that mean
we can say shit now too?
- Mork, those people weren't
throwing white pebbles,
that was rice.
You see, and it's what people do.
I forgot the line. (laughing)
- [Director] Please stand by, please, and.
- [Man] Nice energy. (laughing)
- Who was that asshole?
- But that's all behind me.
I've got my savings, and
I've got my new Cedelac,
and I can't think of the line.
- You can push it, you can kick it,
you can throw it across the room
and it will not do anything.
That's right, it will do nothing.
That's just like (stumbles words).
(laughs)
You can kick it, you can
shove it, you can throw it!
(stumbles words) I think we've lost it!
- Zippy the Bold, and
his son (stumbles words).
(laughing)
So many lines, going through my mind.
I don't know who I am!
(laughing)
- There's one thing I hate,
it's sitting in a room
full of losers listening to some--
(laughing)
- Then Nomatic, from the
people who brought you
frozen, um (laughs) one second.
(laughing)
- In democracy, everyone
just gets one vote.
- Can someone vote twice?
- No, in democracy
people just get one vote.
(laughing)
- Okay, that sounds good to me.
(laughing)
I'll go over here, and eat some socks.
- That must have been terrible.
- Yeah, I became a boy scout
and an oxygenar at the same time.
(laughing)
Don't laugh yet!
I get it, shut the fuck
up, you know what I mean?
(laughing)
That reminds me of a joke.
What do you get when you
cross a bull and an onion?
- A piece of ass that
makes your eyes water.
(laughing)
- [ Narrator] Welcome to a new series,
it's cinematographers and folk fishing.
Pan around in 180 and see
if anything else interesting
hits us before we get
back there on the stage.
Can you do that?
(jazz music)
There's a man standing in
the middle of the street.
Now he's walking eight
feet, stepped on the curb.
(laughing)
- [Reporter] Newsman were
questioning this Miss Bryan
about her national crusade
against gay persons
when four self-proclaimed
homosexuals from Minneapolis
interrupted today's proceedings.
- If we were gonna go on a
crusade across the nation
to try to do away with the homosexuals.
Then we certainly would
have done it on June the 8th
after one of the most
overwhelming victories
in the country.
But we didn't, we tried to avoid it,
and went into a place
called North Port, Virginia,
and we were met with protects
and all kinds of problems,
and uh, every--
- [Male Speaker] No, No,
let 'em stay, let 'em stay.
- No!
Well at least it's a fruit pie.
- Marian Anderson,
my pleasure to present you
with a Cris award, ah retake!
- Toughest muscles, and the grooviest bod,
and the nicest mind.
I mean he is out of sight
and right on and together.
- Do you think he's gonna win the fight?
- I think gonna kick the
shit out of the asshole.
- Oh yeah, you really think so, huh?
- Yeah, that mother fucker really knows
where to put his hands.
- Where would you like him
to put his hands on you?
- Any place he, ah. (laughs)
Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere!
- Wait a minute, don't go away.
Any place in particular you'd
like him to put his hands?
- Well my tits, my ass,
my cunt, my anywhere.
What else is left?
- Well basically, you'd like to go,
you'd like to go to bed with George, huh?
- I could dick him, for about 15 months.
- That's good, I understand you're
gonna take your clothes off tonight?
- Yes, if I get a chance
I'm gonna jump right up in the ring
and take my clothes off, and do my thing.
- And what thing would you like to do?
- Anything I can, with him, just him.
- Okay, any preview look?
- Now?
- [Reporter] Yeah.
- Yes. (giggles)
- [Narrator] Nobody does it better.
- Then you did see the good in him?
- I saw, I don't know
what I saw 'cause I'm up.
(laughing)
Gah, this is Elizabeth Taylor!
(audience cheering)
- You shoulda heard me yesterday.
(laughing)
- Ladies and Gentlemen,
Misses Mikos Cassadine.
- I have seen General Hosef-hospital.
(laughing)
I have seen General
Hospital, and the university,
and I approve.
As my husband would have approved.
Misa-Mikos Casse.
I'm sorry! (laughs)
As my husband would have approved.
Mikos Cassedine, had a deep abiding love.
I said Cassedine?
- [Male Speaker] That's right.
- Oh shit!
(laughing)
I see I tardled myself, I'm sorry folks.
I'm not used to acting.
(laughing)
I am here to prove that the
name of Mikos Cassedine.
- You're on a roll, keep going alright.
- I didn't say it right?
- [Lady Speaker] You did too!
(laughing)
- It blew my mind, I got it right!
- It's alright, I blundered
up with Casseus too.
(background talking)
- Now do I say remove Casseus,
I haven't forgotten my memory.
That's a lot I took away from
you, and you took it back.
- [Director] Yes, yes,
you say Ruth Casseus,
I have a good memory.
That would work out very well.
- It's yours, hey.
(laughing)
- Hey you won on the deal!
- You can have, Mikos Cassedine.
- (laughs) Dine, dine!
- Mikos Cassedine.
- Dine, Cassedine.
- As in diners club.
- Dine.
- [Director] Five, four, three, two.
- I am here to prove that the name
of Mikos Cassedine.
(laughing)
- Yes, what about Mikos Cassedine?
- Gentleman, Misses Mikos Cassedine.
- Doctor Weber, the
father of the bride to be?
- Yes that's right.
- Please convey my regret to your wife,
I was indisposed when she
tried to (stumbles words).
I screwed that up, just wonderfully.
- What am I doing here?
(laughs)
- [Captain Kirk] Captains
log, Stardate, ah--
- Captain, are you alright?
You sound tired.
Acknowledge Captain,
is everything alright?
- Somebody help the Captain!
(laughing)
- Ha ha ha.
(bleep)
(screaming)
- May drill, may drill!
- It's horrible!
(mission impossible music)
(lively trumpet music)
- Are you challenging me to a duel?
- Yes, if you have the courage?
(laughs loudly)
(gun shot)
(bleep)
- Lieutenant, put Yak on audio.
- If you say so Mister Spock, sugar.
- I will kiss you.
- No, it is illogical.
- Shit.
- It's alright baby, I made
a mistake this morning.
- Do you think it would cause a breakdown
of discipline if the
lonely Lieutenant kissed
the star of the ship Captain?
(laughing)
- I had warp factor one.
- Okay, smart ass.
(bang)
- Ya liked the show?
Go home and tell your friends.
If you didn't like it, don't go home.
(audience applauding)
(silly whistle tune)
(silly whistle tune)
(audience clapping)