Super Awesome! (2015) - full transcript

A comedy feature film about a two down and out buds given one last shot at achieving their dreams. Out of the blue, Mark and Gary find themselves with $250K to headline the opening night of a massive international festival. It's Rocky meets SuperBad set against the hilarious backdrop of two straight guys doing their best to write a musical about an issue they know nothing about - Gay Marriage. As the clock ticks down to opening night and the whole production inches towards collapsing, Mark and Gary ultimately are illuminated to the significance of gay marriage and the potential their musical has to make a change... but is it too little too late?

- [Narrator] You are about
to witness the Super Awesome

Story of Mark and Gary.

From the very beginning,
they had big dreams.

But they didn't just build
extraordinarily large

Lego castles, no.

As teenagers, they discovered
a love for the arts.

It was a passion that
fueled them both.

Plus, they also got to
have sweet sword fights.

Time passed and they
grew older, but they were

still inseparable, and
Mark's grandma was always

there to support.

They continued to push
the boundaries of theater.

Their Hamlet with a Down
syndrome Chinese boy

as Ophelia earned them
national recognition.

But, they weren't the
only ones making waves.

An ex lawyer, Fairfax
Ward, was quickly becoming

the new face of edgy
political theater.

Mark and Gary thought
he was a total dick.

They both loved dogs,
too, and would make

a bit of money in their
down time with a dog walking


They used this quiet time to
come up with their next hit,

and boy did they come
up with a next hit.

Gilded Lilies was
totally awesome.

A gay love story they
wrote and directed.

It was a hit with
audiences around the world.

They were being courted
by producers and
studios everywhere.

This success allowed them
to create work with meaning

and drink super sweet whiskey.

But they held down their
jobs at lifelong friend Deb's

comic book shop.

They got to play with
toys whenever they wanted,

which was pretty sweet.

Sometimes, greatness is
thrust upon the least

likely of people.

In a world that demands change,
equality, and celebration,

leaders are required.

Mark and Gary had no idea
what lay around the corner

for them.

Over to you, boys.

- Who are you to stand here
on stolen soil and tell us

that we can't come here?



It is also bad, we
have Frankenstein.

But I am you.

- Listen, Dostoevsky
tomorrow night, directing.

So listen.

I'm only getting 17 cats
into that dilapidated

converted jail, I want
you two to be there.

What do you say?
- Great, love to.

- Cheers, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Deals with the rejection
of utopian socialism.

What were you guys saying?

- Refugees struggling--
- Love your African's abs.

That shit's smart.

Yeah, yeah.

Can't get enough of that shit.

Tomorrow night, that
shit will be on tap.


- Hey, guys.
- Hey, hey.

- Oh, guys, that was
just, I don't know.


- Thanks, Deb.
- Thanks, Deb.

- Alan fucking brung it.
- Yeah, it was awesome.

- Great.

What are you looking at?
- Racism is bad.

- [Both] It is.

- Nothing better than
two white boys telling me

how hard it is to be black.

- Oh, dude, that's not--
- Just yanking your wang.

It was shit, though.

- Thanks, appreciate it, man.
- I'm white.

- All right here we go.

Here we go, mate.

- Wanker.

Oh, man.

Every Rocky movie after
the original was critically

panned and yet the
franchise has grossed over

a billion dollars.
- OK, firstly,

we'll be lucky to make a
hundred bucks with our play,

secondly, Rocky is
a dumb action movie.

- It's not a dumb action movie.

It's one of the most beautiful
love stories ever told.

- No, no, PS I Love
You is a love story.

Rocky is not a love story,
it's an action movie.

- Are you retarded?
- No.

Rocky is a movie about
a retarded boxer.

Adrian, Adrian.
- It's a metaphor for life.

- Yeah, but it's the
only metaphor you

use for anything ever.
- Yeah, there's

a reason for that.
- Whatever, let's just agree

to disagree.
- Fine.

- Hey guys.

- Hey, Deb.
- Looking good.

- Thanks.

- What's up, fellas?

Disturbance in the force?

- The review, she
gave it one out of 10.

- She's lame.

She's a middle school
coordinator of Lameville High.

Hey, I was watching some
Robert Kiyosaki on YouTube,

and he said something
about first one through

the wall gets a bit bloodied.

- Didn't he just go bankrupt?

- Keep fighting the good fight.

- I've had worse reviews.
- Often times,

the first one through the
wall gets a bit bloodied.

- You guys suck.

- Whatever, sugars.

- Hey, bring it, OK?

Paying audience, bring it.

(hip hop music)

- Hi.
- Hey, glad you could make it.

- Are you kidding?

We fucking love Dostoevsky.

(dramatic music)

- Let's go in.
- Let's go.

(rock music)

- Is that Jack Simpson?
- Fuck yeah.

- Do you want to meet him?
- Serious?

- Yeah, yeah, no worries.
- Hey, Jack.

Jack, hey.

It's Mark.

- Hey, Gary.


Gilded Lilies.
- Yeah, right.

How are you doing guys?
- Good.

- Been a while, yeah?
- Not that long.

Just we know each other.
- Yeah, hey, look,

this is Violet and Paige.

- Can I just say I loved
you in Legal Murder?

- Sorry, and West Side Story.

You like, such masculinity and--

- Thanks, ladies.

You guys catch Gilded Lilies?

These guys were absolutely
incredible in that.

I mean, seriously, honest work.

And that kiss, guys.

It totally broke me, yeah?

You doing a film
version or something?

- Yeah, we've written it.
- Some producers optioned it.

- Yes, it's in the works,
but what are you up to?

You must be filming and like
doing all sorts of cool--

(melodic honking)

- Jack fucking Simpson.


- Fairfax fucking Ward.

- Jack Simpson in the flesh,
as I live and breathe.

The jewel in our artistic world.


Oh, man.

Look at you.
- Hey, Fairfax.

- Hey, Mack, Guy.

- It's Mark.
- Gary.

- My God, come here,
come here, come here.

Oh, man.

- Didn't I tell you I'd come?


- You look beautiful, man.

Thank you, thank you.

- Since that nightmare.
- Don't even talk about,

I can't even laugh about that.

I can't even laugh about that.

- Worst show ever.
- That shit you showed

last time might
have won that prize.

- Oh, sorry, we don't
make undies for a living.

- Carl and Shay have an
underwear line specifically

for the contemporary gay.

- Soft men's wear.
- Expanding into the lesbian

market next spring.

- I'll keep an eye out.

- No tweeting at the table.

- Fuck off you fat
fucking orange face.

- You know I hate that shit.

- Twitter's for nerds.
- No, it's hands down

the best social media platform,
it is an all access pass.

Anything's possible.

- Jay's like God
in Twittersphere.

He's got a million followers.

- One point one million, fat.
- Why are you so popular?

- I am an entrepreneur.

- Fuck off, you
make undies, man.

- Fuck off, you walk dogs.
- You walk dogs?

- No.
- When he's not

selling comics.

- You sell comics.

- Better than undies, right?
- Those undies got us a two

bedroom apartment in
the heart of the city.

Meanwhile, you two drag
your dicks along the ground,

don't do nothing.

- Really, I've got so many--
- Stay.

- I need to learn some
lines for tomorrow.

- I'll call you, I'll call
you, I'll call you tomorrow.

- So, I'll text ya.

- You know that's like the
hottest, they're the most

beautiful women.
- Those fucking girls.

They were so hot.
- Was that supposed

to be Al Pacino?
- It is Al Pacino,

mother fucker.
- No, it's about hu-ah.

She got a great ass.

- She got a great personality.

- She got a great dress on.

- She got a great recipe
for a muesli bar slice.

- She got a great set of
shoes that are orthopedic

and don't give her back pain.

- Let's go play Twister.
- I'm hungry.

- [Shay] Man, you've already had

like four fucking Pad Thais.

- Well, I'm a big boy, aren't I?

- Fuck yeah you are.
- It's not fucking

porn Twister.


Game off.

- What an angel.

Listen to her message.
- Who?

- My niece.

- Meh.
- What do you mean, "Meh"?

- I mean, "Meh," kids, whatevs.

What, it's not like it's yours.

- It's my niece, bro.

- OK, rolling.

- Hello, Muffy.

You look even more beautiful
than the real Snow White.

- And she is hot.
- Happy birthday, sweetie.

Wish I was there.

Now here's my friends to
say something very special.


- Muffy.

Hi, I'm Gary, you're little.

Don't forget, you can't
be in your princess shoes

after midnight,
it's time to change.

- It's not Cinderella.
- We're all the same.

Cinderella, Snow
White, Darth Vader.

Oh, and don't eat
too much sugar.

It's the baddest.

- Hey, Fluffy.

I think it's really sad that
Snow White ate the red apple

and went to sleep for so long.

It makes me really sad.

I really think we should
do something about it.

I hope your life isn't
doomed like hers.

- She's two, you fucking morons.

- All right, I didn't know you
were like into kids and shit.

- I love her, have some respect.

- [Gary] Well, if you love
'em so much, get your own.

- Maybe we will.


- What?

Like adopt?

Do you guys want to get married?

- Well, it's not that easy.
- Especially with your dad.

Fucking conservative coconut.

You fat fucking islander.

- Actually, that's
not a bad idea.

- What?

- Like, a couple of,
like a play, you know?

Like a musical, there's
like a couple of guys

that want to get
married, but they can't.

- Yeah, fuck yeah.

Like anti marriage shit.

Equality stigma.
- Family full of haters.

- Fucking chuck in a Chinese
kid that's fucking adopted.

- You know, just crack open
what it's like for you gays,

you guys.
- They could have AIDs,

one of 'em.
- Or it could be like Glee.

- What, a musical?

- Fuck yeah.
- Fuck yeah.

- Fuck yeah, mm hmm.

- That's actually
not a bad idea, boys.

Except for the AIDs part.
- It's current.

- Nah, musicals are expensive.

- Fuck that, when
I get my docko--

- Here we go.

- No, no, no, OK.

I raised--
- 75,000 through

crowd sourcing, we know.

- Listen, morons.

Most of the gay community
still remember you two

from the Gilded Lilies.

You have an in.

There's money to be made
in something like this.

- [Woman] I love you,
but I can't be with you.

You're my brother.

- [Narrator] Next week
on Days of Our Lives,

Neville McBebee guest stars.

(chattering, laughing)

- Man, Neville McBebee.
- The Bebe.

- [Gary] Grandma.

- Gary and I got a beard on
Ebay for this Darth Vader

suit, and it's like a
full replica from on set.

- Yeah, it's like
directly from the movies.

- Helmet, chest plate.
- You wouldn't know.

It's like you're in the movie.

- It's an original replica.

Because we've had an idea.
- Yeah, right.

So, it's this one man
show with Darth Vader,

kind of post the Death
Star exploding, him having

to reconnect.
- A story of redemption.

- Find his wife again.
- It's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

There's some really honest
moments with Darth Vader

just confessing about all
the bad shit he's done.

- My life is ruined.
- I didn't have a daddy

and that's why I
was mean to you.

- I found a business card
on the Emperor's desk

for a psychiatrist,
I should go see him.

- Anyway, basically,
what we need is--

- OK, how much?
- $50.

- Done.

- Cool, hey, cool.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

- This looks lovely.

- That cream's awesome.

- Thank you.

I read your review.

You're not getting
any younger, boys.

Neither am I.

(hip hop music)


- Fuck.


- Hey, hey.
- Sup, dickhead?

- I've been looking for
you boys everywhere.

- Well, why?
- What the fuck is that?

- It's a dog.
- Shar Pei.

- Bear coat.


- Honey I'm Homeless.

- What, did you and
Carl have a fight?

- What?

No, I didn't have
a fucking fight.

Just shut up.

Watch it.

- Hi, I'm Gary.
- I'm Mark.

- [Narrator] Are you tired
of being told your love

is inferior?
- I think it's really sad.

- It's the baddest.

- [Narrator] How does it
feel when someone questions

your ability to
raise your child?

- Watch it.

- Watching.

- [Narrator] Love
has no boundaries.

How can we be so progressive
as a global society,

but still apply these
ancient, desert prejudices

to our lives?
- We're all the same.

- [Narrator] What will
our children say about us,

when they look back
at us this time?

- I really think we should
do something about it.

- [Narrator] Well you can.

Honey, I'm Homeless.

A new stage musical, dealing
with marriage equality

through hilarious and
heartbreaking relationship

of two men just
living a true life.

It's time to stand up,
donate your small change

for a big change.

- Don't forget.

- [Narrator] Together,
we will rise.

- OK, so, long story
short, did a bag of coke,

whipped this up last
night, got it online about

nine hours ago, get
it up on Twitter.

You boys went viral.

Ellen DeGeneres retweeted us.

Oh, and there's more.

You boys make 250K.

- K what?

- Dollars.
- $250?

- Thousand.
- I don't get it.

- $250,000.

Gays everywhere went hard
and wet simultaneously

and have given you cash money.

- No.
- Bullshit.

- Fact.

- Shay, we've never
written a musical.

- Let alone a gay one.

- Fact, every musical is gay.

Fact, you two wrote Gilded
Lilies, the gayest play ever.

- But Shay, that's
totally fucking different.

- Shut up.

OK, this is amazing.

You two are brilliant.

Do you guys want to walk
dogs and polish He-Man

until you're 70?



This could change your lives.


Shit just got real.

- [Both] Fuck yeah.

(hip hop music)

- See ya later.
- Let's go.

- [Narrator] Appears to
have made history when their

gay marriage musical,
Honey I'm Homeless,

received over $250,000--

- We've got to do some research.


- ET phone home.

- Mine sounds better.
- I think it does.

- ET phone home.

- ET phone home.

- It sounds shit, mine
sounds way better, listen.

ET phone home.

- You just said it like a kid
doing a bad ET impression.


It does.

Let's go.

Oh, Philadelphia.
- Nice.

Short Bus?
- Yeah, yeah, sweet.

Oh, yeah, Top Gun.
- No, it's not gay.

- Dude, that volleyball
scene, oiled up bodies,

it's like life partner
with a poodle gay.

- That's more about
the style of the '80s.

- [Gary] I really don't
think so, little buddy.

That's pretty damn gay.

- Fine, I'm getting
Lord of the Rings.

- What?

That's not gay.

- [Mark] Samwise and
Frodo were boning,

all the way to Mordor.

- Dude, they were
destroying a ring.

- Metaphor, they were
throwing their homosexual

desires into a hole.
- That's the dumbest thing

I've ever heard, man.

- I read it online.
- Yeah, whatever.

- It was a forum.

It's called Lord of the Ring.

(gentle music)

(phone ringing)

- Yo, what's up, man, hey.
- Sup?

How's writing?

- Slow.
- There's no pressure.

You've got heaps of time.

- Yeah, it's just like, it's
not our world, you know?

We don't know anything
about it, dude.

- All right, get hot, put
something in your hair,

I'm coming over, we're
gonna find some inspiration.

(hip hop music)

OK, Mark, Stonewall.

Gary, Tool Shed.

Come on out.

- Enjoy your date night.

Meet you back here in an hour?
- Yeah.

(muffled music)

- Ax?
- Yeah.

- I used to watch you play.
- Really?

- I'm your biggest fan.
- Cheers, man.

That was another life.
- Yeah.

Can I grab you a beer?
- Yeah.

(dubstep music)

- Honey I'm Homeless.
- Yeah.

- Oh, that video
made me cry so hard.

I donated a 50.

So, you get your
ass in here, boy.

You give or take?

You're not on campus
anymore, baby.

- I didn't think I was.

No, no, I'm gonna.

- So, what was Cement like?

- Hands down the best car owner.

- What about GT?
- He's a prick.

I saw that video, by the way.

- All right, what did you think?

- I think you're
playing with fire.

- How do you mean?

- Mate, marriage is forever.

You'd be hard pressed
pinning down any of mates

for two minutes, let
alone a lifetime.

- OK, really, I've got to go.

- So young.
- I'm 30.

- You wouldn't tell.
- I really should go, mate.

- Come on, babe.

The party hasn't even started.

Have a whiff of this.

Oh, fuck.

- How's your night?

I met Joey Gibbs.
- I met a rapist.

Give us a double
cheese, will you?

- Fuck, man, you did
have a shit night.

- Whatever, man, just make it.

- Moment on the lip,
lifetime on the hips.

- Meh.
- Meh?

- Meh.

Hey, do you know
anyone from New York?

- Billy Grabowski.
- No, he's in Mambo, isn't he?

- Oh, yeah.

Don't know.

- Hello.
- Mark, Gary.

- Yeah, this is Gary,
sorry, who's this?

- Charlie Overton, I'm
the head of programming

for the New York Festival.

I saw your video
on NBC last night.

- Oh, wow, Charlie,
it's great to meet you.

Hey, Mark.
- What?

- It's got Charlie
Overton on the phone.

He's from the New York Festival.

It's on a video call.

- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey.

- Hi, I'm Mark.

Bad reception in here,
so we'll just take it--

- So, I can't hear you,
what are you saying?

Oh, just lost picture
on you there, Charlie.

- [Mark] Sorry about that, mate.

Just fiddling with the modem.

Have you got that, is
that all plugged in there?

- [Both] Hi.

- OK.

So, the whole town's
talking about you.

It's quite the achievement,
that much cash in that

little time.
- Took us by surprise.

- I'll bet.

So, where's it all at?

- Well, we're just workshopping
the script, really.

- Got a cast?

- Yeah, pretty much.
- Who?

- Jack Simpson's probably
gonna play the lead, actually.

- Great actor.
- He is.

We're still casting
the romantic lead.

- Well, if it's half as
good as Gilded Lilies,

you ought to have a
hit on your hands.

- What, did you see it?
- Yeah, Mardi Gras 06.

Broke my heart.

- Wow, that's great.
- So, listen.

My opening night
show's fallen through.

Predator the Musical.

- Cool.

Was Arnie in it?
- No.

- Carl Weathers?
- No.

- [Both] Neville McBebee?

- How the fuck do
you know McBebee?

That guy was like an
extra in that film.

- Yeah, but he's only
like one of the greatest

character actors ever.
- Awesome.

- Agreed, he's underrated.

- Do you know him?
- I met him at his

pizzeria once.

He's a great guy.

Let's cut the crap.

I need a replacement and
from what I've heard,

Honey I'm Homeless
would be a great fit.

- What was that, what
did you say Charlie?

- What I'm saying is,
if you guys want to open

the New York Festival,
we'd have you.

- Oh, yeah, it's just, it's
not quite finished yet.

That's the thing.
- It's OK, I understand

the process, so what do you say?

- I don't know what to say.
- Great, I'll take that

as a yes.

OK, lots to do, guys.

Opening night's in six weeks.
- Six weeks?

Sorry, like from today?
- Yeah.

And by the way,
don't let me down.

- Hey, weren't you guys
meant to be writing?

- Yeah.
- We're warming up.

- Take this.

Director's fee.



- You know Charlie Overton.
- The producer?

- Yeah, he called us last
night and we kind of agreed

that the musical we
haven't written should open

the New York Festival.
- In six weeks.

In New York.

And we kind of implied that
Jack Simpson was attached.

- Which he isn't.

- Buy a TV.
- New Air Jordan's.

- Made by Asian toddlers, man.

- Everything we buy is
made by Asian toddlers.

- They're your kids.
- I'm not having any kids.

- Oh, bullshit, what if
Beck Bernstein asked you

to make babies?
- Don't talk about

her, please.
- What, are you gonna cry?

- Fuck off, you
gave Tiff herpes.

- That's true.
- You gonna tell her

about that?
- Are you gonna tell

Beck Bernstein you love her?
- Fuck off.

- You're meeting Jack at midday.

- What, where?
- In his shed.

Now, I'm gonna book a rehearsal
venue, you start tomorrow.

- But we don't have
a script, Shay.

- Figure it out.

- What the fuck are we
meant to say to him?

- I don't know, you're
creatives, be creative.

Get Jack Simpson.

And in the name of
(foreign language spoken),

put some fucking pants on.

- Far out.

(guitar music)

(throat clearing)

- Good day fellas.
- Hey, good day.

Cool shed.

What are you doing?

- Just rebuilding a carbie.

- Sweet.

- You guys ride?

- No.
- I have.

- When?
- The 10.

- Hey, take a seat.
- Thanks, man.

- So, why me?
- For the play?


- Well, you know,
you're Jack Simpson.

- I am.

- So, have you seen our video?
- Yep.

- Is it something
that interests you?

- Yep.
- Why?

- Spent my life being this.
- What, like an awesome,

buff action dude.
- Yeah, who's got like

the coolest shed in the world
and fixes carbies and stuff.

So, like, what does marriage
equality mean to you?

- Oh, love is a beautiful
thing, full stop, I guess.

- Do you have a babe?

- More importantly, what
does marriage equality

mean to you guys?

- My grandma, she
was from Egypt.

She came here on a boat,
took her three months.

- Yep.
- You know what

her welcome was?

Local milk baron
spat in her face.

- Yep.
- She didn't spit back.

She hugged the prick.

- She says I'm
not gonna let him.

- She always said, "Be who
you are, say what you feel,

"because those who
mind don't matter,

"and those who
matter don't mind."

- I think you'll find
that was Dr. Seuss.

- Anyway, there's a
lot of people out there

that don't matter, right,
but they've still got a say.

They're our brothers.
- And sisters.

Our fathers.
- Politicians, our policemen.

- Our waiters, our teachers.
- Our milkshake makers.

Our horse riders.
- All those people.

We want to change 'em.
- Yeah, we want to crack

their skulls with a show tune.

- Dazzling, dancing,
all different style.

- A really professional wig.
- A love story that would

melt the ice queen of Greenland.

- No, Iceland, wouldn't it?
- Greenland's colder.

- No, is it?

I don't think it is.

- Well, actually, I saw
Wrecking Man in both

countries and
Greenland is colder.

- Fuck, I love Wrecking Man,
it's like our favorite film.

- So cool.
- You know that scene?

Give me back my daughter
or I will wreck you.

- How can you wreck me
if you can't even see me?

- [Both] Acid.


- I can't--
- Karate chop.

Have fun in hell, Wrecking Man.

- I'll get you, evil nemesis.
- Finished?

- Yeah.

- But seriously, like,
straight up, Jack.

You're amazing.

- The show is made for you.

- Plus, we already told
New York you'd be in it.

- You what?
- It was an accident.

Sort of.

- So, when do we start?
- Nine AM tomorrow.

- I'm in, dudes.

- So, what, do you want
to start with some games?

- No, we can't play
games with Jack Simpson.

We've got to talk concept,
character, motor bikes.

- OK, so what?

It's a couple, they
want to get married.

They can't, they've got
an adopted Chinese kid

called, I don't know, Zen Jwan.

What are their names?

- Jack can be Oscar, the
other guy can be Harvey.

- Hey, Shay, who's
playing Harvey?

- Kip Young.

He just wrapped on
a huge vampire film.

He is about to pop.
- Can he sing?

- Who cares, hot.

- But he's in his mid 20's.

They're supposed to be a couple.

- I'm not a fucking
casting director.

Alan, dancer.

- Not every show you do
is important, but this one

really is.
- Yeah, it's an issue

that's really close to a
lot of people's hearts,

so we got to treat it with
the respect it deserves.

- But we'll also have a little
bit of fun along the way.

- Yeah, oh yeah.

So, just a little
insight into our process,

how we work.

- This is not a dictatorship.
- Yeah, because when you see

Alec Baldwin, you see the
true ugliness of human nature.


- Team America.
- Yeah.

Now, look, all ideas are valid.

OK, we want this to be something
we can all be proud of.

- Got you.
- So, let's start

with a few exercises.
- Exercises?

- Yeah, exercises.

So, let's start with a real
simple one, it's called

"One thing you do and
don't know about me."

Mark will start.

You just gotta be open and
honest, that's the key.

- So, one thing you do know
about me is I'm a director.

- I thought Greg
was the director.

- It's Gary, and
we're both directing.

- That's weird.

- One thing you don't
know about me is

I never knew my family.

My grandma raised me.

- OK, I'll jump in.

Good day, my name is Jack.

Guess you all know that.

One thing you do know about
me is that I built my own

pop up bungle.

And OK, something you
don't know about me.

Well, I recently lost
my best mate to cancer.


I just really miss
his little meow.

- That's really sad, Jack.

I don't know what I'd do
without my little pug.


One thing you do know about
me is I'm a movie star.

- Sorry.
- Of a vampire flick

coming out May 10, Suck.

Chat about it being the biggest

opening weekend of they year.

- I've got tickets.

- One thing you
don't know about me,

I don't have a dad, either.

He shot himself in
the face, I was 10.

I found him in the bath.

- OK, new game.

(upbeat pop music)

♪ There was a guy

♪ Y'all know him as Harvey

♪ He had a dream

♪ Back in the '70s

♪ Those that were closed
would open up their hearts

♪ And pour themselves a
long, cool, dirty glass

♪ Of Harvey's mother's milk

♪ Harvey's mother's milk

- OK, yep, go on, Basil.

♪ There's always
people who put you

♪ Through the ringer

♪ Fact is some folks just
can't take their dairy

♪ They're absolutely

♪ Terrified

♪ Of Harvey's mother's milk

♪ Harvey's mother's milk

♪ I said

♪ Harvey

♪ Harvey's

♪ Harvey's


- OK, so, why is a
straight bloke, yeah?

Gonna want to see a
play, a show, that's all

about gay love?
- Love, it's all the same.

- I mean, this is a story
that transcends sexuality.

Full stop.
- That's easy for you

to say, you are gays.
- Actually, we're not.

- Then why are you
doing a play about them?

- That's exactly
why we're doing it.

Break down some of the barriers.

- Look, marriage
inequality sucks.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Out of tape.

You guys got a spare?
- No, I threw mine out

in 1995.

- Suit yourself.

I was getting some
good stuff there.

Let's do the photo, yeah?

- Sure.

- Jack Simpson,
I will wreck you.

I wouldn't have bothered with
you if I knew you were here.

- Good day, mate, how you doing?

- Glen.

- So we have a
photo or something?

- Yeah.


Say cheese.

Oh, Jack, I might
just get you to.

Move in, cover Alan.

(photo snapping)

Great, got it.
- So, we done?

My ride's here, yeah?

Good to meet ya.
- See ya tomorrow.

- Thanks, Jack.

- Alan.

- Right.
- Thanks, Greg.

- Thanks.
- Glen.

- Hi, Dad, it's me, Kip, I had
the best day at school, Dad.

Oh, my gosh, I met a boy.

I think I love him.
- Drop the voice, dude.

- No, it's good.

I think I want to
marry him, Dad.

Dad, where are you?
- You can't marry a man, Kip.

- Don't be like that, Dad.

Dad, where are you?
- I'm in the bath.

- Nah, that's a bit dark.

- That's his story, though.

♪ If only we could tie the
knot with Dad's permission

♪ It's awful

♪ To be told

♪ What you can and cannot hold

♪ I love you so

- OK, so when
you're ready, guys.

- You sure you're OK
with these lyrics, Kip?

- Yeah, that's fine.

Dad would be proud.

I'm honored, bros.

- So, just remember, it's
all about the love between

these two.


- Just from the top?
- Yeah, great.

- Is he gonna be here?
- Yeah.

- Serious?
- Yeah, move in

and, you know.

♪ If only we could tie the
knot with Dad's permission

♪ Now I know what Rosa
Parks must have felt like

♪ It's awful to be told

♪ What we can and cannot hold

♪ I love you so

♪ So much boy

♪ So much

♪ Boy

♪ Boy

♪ Boy, boy

♪ Much

♪ Boy

- Basil.

- Yeah, I was
really vibing that.

(upbeat music)

(phone beeping)

- Oh, fuck.
- What?

- Kip's agent's organized
him a singing lesson.

He's not coming in.
- Well, it's the beginning.

- Of a long, pointless journey.

- Well, we've got to rehearse.

What do we do?

How the hell are we going
to pay our mortgage?

- I didn't ask for
redundancy, Oscar.

- How are we gonna
feed Zen Jwan?

- I got a veggie garden.
- Jesus, Harvey.

I could have got a job.

I could have been
studying part time.

I could have been selling
chicken at the organic

farmer's market.
- Who are you?

Mildred Pearce?

- This is not what husbands do.

- We're not husbands.

- Oh.



Baby, get in my oven and
season it with spunk.

- This is fucking
bullshit, mate.

- They're just, they're a
highly sexualized couple, Jack.

- This is like a 12 year old's
view of like gay intimacy.

These two blokes are having
a blow, and what, they

start fucking finger
fucking each other?

Have I missed the point?

- No, it's like, in
long term relationships,

you can say outrageous
things, you can say anything.

- Oh, really, say
outrageous things like,

"Park your submarine
in my dry dock and

"release the seamen?"

- That one is meant to be funny.

- It's not funny.

Fix it.

- [Both] Totally.

- Fuck me.

- Get in my oven.

Was trying to fix it.

This is not what husbands
do, we're not husbands.

I think the beget stuff
might be a bit much.

- No, it's funny.

- To a prepubescent.

Could we have a flat white
and a cappuccino please?

- Comrades.

Shay tells me you guys
are kicking major goals.

That's cool.

- Yeah, no, it's
going really great.

How are you, mate?

- A little CD with the ST.

- Sorry?
- Huh?

- What?
- What?

- What did you say?
- Sorry, man.

Little current development
with the state theater.

- All right, cool.
- No, man.

Too many hoops.

I've got bad knees,
you know what I mean?

I'm stuck.

- Yeah, well, you know,
you just got to juice

when the fruit's
ready for juicing.

- I love that.

No one wants to
eat a hard banana.

- Well, some do.

- Coffee's up.
- Cheers.

- Guys, I envy you.

You march on the beat
of your own drum.


- Thanks.
- Thanks.

- See you later.
- No, man, seriously.

You guys, you don't get it yet.

You don't.

The envy, it's green.

It's like the Emerald City.

Minus the flying
monkeys, obviously.

Gilded Lilies reached
into my heart.

You broke it, you mended
it, in 92 minutes.

Of delicious storytelling.

If it wasn't for you guys,

I'd still be pushing
pencils in a legal firm.

You believe that?

You believe it?

- I can, I mean, yeah, I can.

(foreign language spoken)

Thanks, man.

- Ah, man.

- Weird, right?

- The guy we thought was
basically the biggest

cheese dick in the
entire universe just

professed his love for us.
- Weird.

- What's all that about?
- It's kind of cool,

when you think about it, though.

- Mm.

He pushes the boundaries.
- He's got a sweet hat.

- Speaks Arabic.

- Maybe we are on
the right track.

- Gentlemen, we're
on in three, two.

Welcome back to KSL853.

You are with the Kim
Divine Show, listening to

Kim Divine talking to Mark
Zeegrab and Gary Eastwood,

creators of the new
musical set to open at the

New York Festival next month.

Honey I'm Homeless.

Gentlemen, welcome and
I'm quoting from your

press release here, a
politically charged,

entertaining romp that
charts the struggles

of a homosexual couple
desperate to be married.

Entertaining romp.
- Yeah, it's full of

great songs and dance numbers.

- To raise your money,
you're using what's becoming

quite a popular
tool, crowd funding.

Why that route?

- Well, it empowers
the individual.

These people are--
- These people Mark is

referring to, they're the
gays, they're the lesbians

that are wishing to
redefine one of society's

strongest traditions.
- I don't think we can

say that marriage
is traditional.

It's been evolving forever.

- If it hadn't interracial
couples wouldn't be

allowed to wed.

You know, you'd have
parents selling their kids

to the highest bidders and
princes would be marrying

six year olds, so I think it's--

- Oh, hear the chimes of
the default leftist stance.

Why wouldn't you get your
money from a real source?

I don't know, a producer.

- Well, look, with that
comes a lot of red tape

and restrictions--
- So, ultimately,

no legitimate organization
would touch it.

With minority issues like
this, isn't it better

for our politicians in
parliament to be debating this,

rather than literally making
a song and dance about it?

- Well, firstly, it's
hardly a minority issue.

- Many of my listeners
would beg to differ.

- I bet they would.
- No one has the right

to redefine marriage.
- Tell that

to Henry the Eighth.
- Gary.

Are you gay?
- No.

- Mark, you?
- No.

- So, I've got to ask.

What makes you the flag
bearers for the tyrannized gays

of the world?
- We've got a lot

of gay friends.

I played a gay man in a show.
- You played a gay man.

Gary, I see here on your
CV that you played an

ambulance officer on a soap.

Tell me.

If I was in a car
crash tomorrow, could
you save my life?

- I have done my first
aid certificate, so--

- I think the point is,
you're not a registered ambo.

You were playing a part, yes?

It was a fantasy.

I ask you again.

What makes you
two the authority?

See, here's the thing, boys.

I grew up with the Sound
of Music, the Wizard of Oz.

That's entertainment.

Honey, I'm Homeless.

I'm sorry, but this
sounds like two lefties

cashing in on a hot
political issue.

You want to know what I think?

Let them commit, let
them even live together.

But marriage is sacred.

Man and woman, full stop,
no argument from me.

After the break, it's
traffic with Vince Larocki.

We're out.

- That guy was a fucking cock.
- It's bullshit.

He's a philistine.

- Well, you guys
handled it well.

You're never gonna
change people like that.

- Isn't that the whole point?
- I suffer all kinds

of shit because I'm black.
- And gay.

- Yeah.

But I don't care.

It's the people on the
fence who need to change.

That's who you need to get.

Eventually, openness
will outnumber prejudice.

That's why you do the show.

- Oh, Buddha.

PS, media launch next week.

- Hopefully we can teach
Kip to sing by then.

- Yeah, thanks for that
amazing piece of casting, Shay.

- Why don't you get
him to speak it?

Works for Leonard Cohen.

- Kip Cohen, yeah, cool.

- How's the show?

Is it ready?
- There's a couple of song

writing issues, but
we'll be all right.

So, it's legal in
New Zealand and--

- Mexico, Brazil.

- Portugal, Iceland, Spain.
- South Africa.

A bunch of US states.

♪ Oh Brazil and Belgium

♪ Canada and Argentina

♪ Israel and Iceland

♪ Mexico and Spain

♪ Portugal and Sweden

♪ Norway, but we're gonna
go to the Netherlands

♪ To the Netherlands,
where we can legally wed

♪ And touch your Netherlands

♪ Or we could go to Norway

♪ So we could do it our way

♪ We're getting married

♪ Our passion will carry
us all the way to the altar

♪ Prince Albert will be there

♪ And so will the queens

♪ We'll diss the reception

♪ Have sex like machines

♪ It'll be great fun

♪ Gonna be covered in cum

- Hey, wrestler, man.

I love you.
- Oh, I love you, too,

other wrestler man.
- Guess what time it is?

- What time is it?

- It's wedding time, dude.
- Oh, that's so cool.

♪ It's wedding time

♪ It's wedding time

♪ It's wedding time

♪ It's wedding time

♪ Dressed in a tux

♪ Finally walking down the aisle

♪ And I cannot help but smile

♪ Hold rings in hand

♪ Excitement I cannot withstand

♪ You were handsome, I'll admit

♪ I've loved you
since the day we met

♪ It's time to tie the damn knot

♪ You know we've waited a lot

♪ We wait with grace
like a fine wine

♪ Come on, it's wedding time

♪ Woo hoo

- Who is Zen Joeanne?

- Zen Jwan, she's your daughter.

- In the musical with Harvey.
- Jack.

- Dude, yeah, me.

- OK, anyway, look, seriously,
great, great week, guys.

So, get home, rest up,
early night, we have got

a media showing tomorrow.


- I just wanted to
say, I love you guys.

- I love you, too.

I just wanted to thank God,

except for my kid being born,

this is the greatest night
in the history of my life.

Yo, Adrian, we did it.

- Mark.
- Adrian.

- Dude.
- No, I'm just saying.

You guys are like my Adrian.
- Who's Adrian?

- It's a Rocky thing.
- What?

- Rocky, it's a boxing movie.
- It's not just

a boxing movie.
- Doesn't matter.

Anyway, guys, seriously,
get home, rest up,

I'll see ya tomorrow,
bright and early, all right?

- Yeah, good day.
- See ya.

- See ya, Alan, bye, mate.

Fucking doing it, man.

We're having a fucking
Broadway musical.

Boom shaka laka.

- Fuck, fuck yeah.

- Fuck the police.

- Fuck your mom.

- Fuck fuck boom.

- Fuck fuck.

- Fuck lettuce.

- Fuck this cup.

(yelling, grunting)

Fuck a keyboard.


- You fuckwoods free tonight?

- Yeah, sure, man.

- OK.

Here you go, guys.

- Jesus.
- Actually butchered these

myself at my farm.
- Oh, cool.

Do you hunt a lot?
- Yeah, fair bit.

- How many guns you got?
- Just the one.

- How do you hunt a quail?

- Use a trap, mate.
- You ever killed a lion?

- So, where's your farm?

- 100 miles northwest.

- Get there a lot?
- Nah, not as much

as I used to.

Did you ever see a fucking
lion in the bush, dude?


- Well, I wouldn't know,
I've never been to the bush.


- Hey, who's that?
- That handsome bastard

up there is Billy.

Actually, Billy and I
bought this place together.


Bought the farm together,
too, but he passed away.

Listen, boys.

I've been doing this
shit all my life.

Billy was my,

and I kept it hidden, for what?

For my career.

Pretty shameful, huh?

So, when I saw
your little video,

I decided that I had to do it.

I guess it's the closest
I'll ever come to

well, you know.

- Did Billy like hunting?

- He fucking loved it, mate.


- Full on, man.
- Big time.

- I had goosebumps.
- I nearly cried.

- Really?

Me, too.

- Wrecking Man's gay.

- Still a total badass, though.

- Uber bad.

Hey, we should write
a song about that.

- What, about Jack and Billy?

That would be sweet, we
could call it Billy's Song.

♪ Day by day

♪ Hand in hand

♪ Strength to strength

♪ Man to man

- Like the final moments
before the big fight, isn't it?

Alone in the ring.


I didn't have you watch Rocky
as a kid because you loved

the fights.

Rocky made the most
of every opportunity.

You couldn't have a
better role model.

Unless someone like you
cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is gonna get better.

It's not.

- Hey, Jack, we
wrote you a new song.

It's our final number.

- The melody's the same.

- Thanks, guys.
- Thanks, mate.

- Yeah, no worries, man.
- We're on.

- Let's do this, guys.
- Sugars.

- All right.

(tense, melancholy music)

- Ladies and gentlemen.

Introducing Mr. Mark
Zeegrab and Gary Eastwood,

creators of Honey I'm Homeless.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
you're about to witness

what's been a relatively
short, but intense process.

I've really loved it.

- Yeah, mate.

Equal love.

This is a really important
story and we're just really

honored to be able to tell
it, so without further ado--

- [Mark] Let's get
this show on the road.

♪ It's wedding time

♪ It's wedding time

♪ Dressed in a tux

♪ They look sublime

♪ I'm finally walking
down the aisle

♪ And I just cannot
help but smile

♪ Holds our rings in hand

♪ Excitement I cannot withstand

♪ You look handsome, I'll admit

- You know, sometimes I think
I should have stayed inside

and watered my cactus
instead of coming out

and munching my mattress.

OK, I'm not interested
in the opposite sex,

but you people want
to put a hex on us.

Not cool, Mr. Politician.

I see you in court, I
think you've been bought.

OK, I'm an appreciator
of Broadway musicals.

But you're the brown noser.

I may enjoy an Oscar
Wilde quote, but at least

I'm not fishing for votes.

How could you sit on
this for four weeks?

- I was trying to fix it.

- This is not what husbands do.

- We're not husbands.

Come here.

♪ If only I'd been faster

♪ I could have saved the day

♪ Ah yeah

♪ I would have made
your favorite pasta

♪ Spaghetti bolognese

♪ And not told you that I'm gay

♪ Told you that
I'm gay, gay, gay

♪ Gay

♪ I woulda shoulda coulda

♪ Ah yeah

♪ I promise I'll be true now

♪ So true now

♪ No more secrets in my world

♪ Dad, I'll make ya proud

♪ It's here

♪ The day I never
thought we'd see

♪ 200 friends and family

♪ Two matching suits

♪ Two wedding rings

♪ Too scary

♪ You

♪ You turned to me
and fixed my tie

♪ It makes you laugh
to know I'll cry

♪ It wouldn't be
the first time, baby

♪ With this ring, I am yours

♪ And you are mine forever

♪ With this vow

♪ We won't hide it anymore

♪ Now I know

♪ Why they sing about it

♪ Write about it

♪ Now I see

♪ That the future isn't blind

♪ Now a man to man

♪ And my world seems
upside down and crazy

♪ But I know I'm in control

♪ Now you're here with me

♪ Let's seal the deal
and shout out loud

♪ You have tied me
down and set me free

♪ We'll go from strength
to strength as man to man

♪ But first I fought against it

♪ I was mean

♪ What does a
piece of paper mean

♪ Two signatures, two
blushing grooms, too corny

♪ Besides

♪ We've been
together for so long

♪ To boast about
it just seems wrong

♪ You touched my
cheek and just said

♪ Baby

♪ Let's find out

♪ Why they sing about
it, write about it

♪ Let's just see

♪ If that future isn't blind

♪ With this ring

♪ I'll be yours and
you'll be mine forever

♪ With this vow

♪ We won't hide it anymore

♪ And we'll be man to man

♪ I know it's crazy

♪ But this time I'm in control

♪ 'Cause you're here with me

♪ Let's seal the deal
and shout out loud

♪ You have tied me
down and set me free

♪ We'll go from strength
to strength as man to man

♪ Day by day

♪ Hand in hand

♪ Strength to
strength, man to man



- So, Kip, what was it
like working on Suck?

- Victor Fringe, I
fucked the camera, cut.

- Kip, that's awesome.
- You've got some

action man guns.
- Yeah, right.

- Bang bang.
- I will wreck you.

- Seriously, boys,
from the heart.

You boys are solid.

You talk the talk, you
get things done, eh?

- Thanks, Jack.
- My balls are blue.

Yeah, well, cider
makes me horny.

You know, I would totally
bone this bottle if

my dick wasn't in the top
10% allocation under 30.

- Eastwood and Zeegrab.

- Do you want to make
over the mall, Tiff?

- Suck a dick.

Just finished a workshop
with Fairfax Ward.

- Who?
- Oh, you know.

The hottest director ever.
- Oh, that's debatable.

- Patrol.

Tiff, rum, hoofters.


Jack Simpson.

I will wreck you.

- Dude, your fly's undone.
- Easy access.

- I'm gonna get, does
anyone want anything?

(hip hop music)

- So, rehearsals with
Fairfax are amazing.

- I bet.
- Take me out to dinner

tomorrow night.
- Is the Chad gonna tag on?

Whatever gets you ahead, babe.
- I fucking hate you.

- Just feel like a
fucking phony, man.

I can't sing.

My fucking fringe is insured.

I just want to
work in a Hobbyco.

- Come here, mate.

There we go.

- Hey boys.
- Hey.


- Still burning?
- Yeah, mate, OK.

I'll just grab you a water.

- What's happening?

- Oh, Shay, sup?

Come meet us, man.

We're at Life Car.

I've got to go, bye.

(hip hop music)


- You suck.
- Give me a minute.

I'll get it up, I promise.

Come back.


- Gary, what the fuck?

You're a dick.

- Get out of here, man.
- Smoke bomb?

♪ Day by day

♪ Hand in hand

♪ Strength to strength

♪ Man to man

(foreign language spoken)

- What's up, man?

You missed the
best night, it was.

Is he OK?

- He's in ICU, he's unstable.

Just crossing the road, boys.

- What's all that about?

- It's all mad,
won't let me see him.

- That's fucked.
- Who's that fat prick

to say you can't see him?
- The law.

- What do you mean it's the law?

- Well, the family
has visitation rights.

- You guys are family,
you've been together

for like eight years.
- Yeah, I know,

but we're not married.
- Well, you want to be.

That's a dumb law.

- We could speak to
the nurse for you.

- I can do that.

I just can't see him.

- Man, when Carl wakes
up, he's gonna bash that

fat fuck.

- So, when is he gonna wake up?

- When his brain stops swelling.

He was buying tickets
for our anniversary.

It's where we met.

Just want to see next
to some islander.

Tied as one.

I thought he was gonna
bash me, but then he just

caught up and he shook my hand,

and just congratulated me.
- Shay.

You know we leave
in two days, right?

- So where does that leave you?

- Here.

I'm gonna e-mail you
my Twitter deets.

All right?

You sort out the
media shit tonight.

Oh, fuck.

- OK, mate.


- I never seen Shay so upset.
- Carl will wake up.

- What if he doesn't?

- He will.
- You reckon?

- Just gotta believe
he will, man.

- What if he doesn't?
- Fuck, dude.

I don't know, like, what
do you want me to say?


Well, yeah, by the way,
our show sucks, apparently.

Yep, it's like, what's this,
an episode of South Park

except not funny.

Oh, this is good.

Despite a stunning finale,
the writers lack insight

into the theme, and this
is a good tweet, this one.

Worst casting of the
decade, pairing a tween idol

and aging action star
as star crossed lovers.

- Oh, fuck.

- What are you doing, man?

- Man, no one else is out
there trying to do anything

about marriage equality.
- Yeah, well, maybe

they're right.

- Well, they're not.

- Oh, no fucking way.
- Tweet that shit to the man.

Aging action star and
tween idol dry fuck

in an alley, hashtag
marriage equality.

- All right, tween
idol, action star,

dry fuck in alley, attach image.

- Don't.
- I'm not actually gonna

do it, dick, I'm
just having a joke.

- It's not funny.
- Fuck off.

- Neither are you,
according to the reviews.

- I didn't read the tweet
that said Gary isn't funny,

but Mark's hilarious.

Do you want to read that
one to me, dickface?

- You're a fucking dickhead.

- You're soft.
- No, I'm not.

- You are, call Beck Bernstein.

- Tell Tiff you gave her warts.

- No.
- You're a fucking

loser, dude.
- Yeah, well, you're

a fucking grandma dick
faced shit fucker.

- Yeah, well, at least
I got a fucking family

that like me.


Fuck, Gary, you fucking cock.

- What?
- How do you delete a Tweet?

- Oh, fuck.

- Did you do it?
- Yeah, it's fine.

- Fuck.


- Far out.

Hey, look, I'm


You're too soft to
call Beth Bernstein and

you fuck your grandma.
- I'm sorry you spread warts.

And your family hates ya.

Fuck man, I hope Carl's OK.

- Me, too, man, me, too.

- Hey.
- Hey, Jack.

- Fucking assholes.

How could you?

One point one million followers.

- Fuck, the tweet.

No, no, no, we deleted it, Jack.

- Too late, dickhead.
- It was an accident.

- I'm so sorry.

- We're done.

- Kip's out.

Suck Two has been optioned.

- Oh, whatever.

- I'm leaving the show.

You hurt Jack's feelings.

- Two for one.

- [Gary] Thanks, Deb.

- There's not enough pepperoni.

- Yeah, or cheese.
- Try this one.

- No, I don't like chicken.

- Too much chili.
- Guys, these are gourmet.

- Well, it all turns to shit.

- OK, correct me if I'm
wrong, but I am sensing

some bad vibes.
- What, no.

I'm just not hungry.
- No, it's not about

you hunger, it's
about your energy.

- What?

- Just listening.
- I'm not in the mood, Deb.

- What's happened with the show?

I'm sensing a disturbance.

- Jack left the show today.

- Something else.

Very bad vibes.

A friend.
- Carl's in hospital.

- He'll be OK.

Something deeper.



- We had an opportunity
and we screwed it.

- Been in free fall ever
since the Gilded Lilies.

- I quote.

A tender, honest love
story the likes of which

no one has ever seen.

I defy anyone with a
pulse not to relate.

Five stars, the Herald.

Tenth of a fifth, 2006.

- It was a fluke.
- It was our Top Gun.

See, we never meant for
Gilded Lilies to be gay.

The first draft, it was
about these two guys

from the bush who were
gonna come to the city

for a crack at
professional footie.

- Late in rehearsal, some
hotshot producer came in

and watched a run and he
said it was one of the most

beautiful gay love
stories he'd ever seen,

but he wanted to know why
the two guys didn't kiss.

- Yeah, yeah, we made some
shit up about how, like,

it would be more understated
this way, it's more honest.

- But he was like adamant
that the audience deserved

a kiss.
- So, we put one in.

- And we'd written the seminal
gay play of our generation.

- So?
- So, we're phonies.

- To yourselves, maybe,
but not to the thousands

that flocked to see it.

Not to beefcakes that
were crying on my shoulder

when Shane and Wane
finally passed.

- Yeah, well, if they
read the first draft,

the would have seen
that Shane and Wane

raped a chick on their
first night in Sydney.

- Oh.

Well, they didn't.

Do you know why
that story worked?

Because it came from the heart.


You guys are in a cryosleep.

You need to wake
up, eat a space bar,

urinate, put your
space suit on, type in

your coordinates,
and trust your AI

to get you to your destination.

So, by AI I mean heart,
and by destination,

I mean script.

You know how to fly.

I've seen it.

Oh, midnight cosplay.

Ninja vanish.

(dramatic music)


(rock music)

♪ Well in the here and now

♪ We're gonna take this town

♪ We're gonna turn it inside out

♪ With all our hopes and dreams

♪ Up on the silver screen

♪ Come on, baby, our time is now

♪ I don't know what to do

♪ But I know if I'm with you

♪ We got the cards
stacked in our deck

♪ Before it gets too late

♪ We'll climb the Empire State

♪ Come on, baby, the time is now

♪ I see the city lights

♪ Boy, they twinkle in your eyes

♪ Won't let you out
of my sight, boy

♪ Come on, baby,
our time is now.

- Hey, Charlie.

- What the fuck is this?

The show you were
supposed to write,

the show I programmed,
is not the show

that you've written.

You've cast yourselves as
the lead, you got bad press.

People are asking
for their money back.

And at what point were
you planning on telling me

you lost Jack fucking Simpson?

- Just, it didn't work out, man.

- That's an understatement.

- We think this
one's really special.

- Billy and Me?
- Yeah, yeah.

Did you read it?

- Despite the fact I
want to punch you both

in the balls, it's not half bad.

- It uses the same set--
- Costume design.

- I will not program a show
with two unknown actors

from Australia without a star.

If you don't find me a
star by six PM tonight,

I'm pulling the fucking thing.

And if I pull the fucking
show, you're picking up

the fucking check.
- OK.

- [Man] Get your star maps here.

Lifestyles of the
rich and famous.

Star maps.

- Dude, star maps, like
celebrity addresses.

- Give me your phone,
give me your phone, quick.

- Hey, Google that shit.

Like New York celebrity
something, addresses.

Is there like a--
- Ricky Gervais,

Neil Patrick Harris, Donald
Trump, all within one mile.

- Wait, but Donald
Trump, dude, he's like a

billionaire businessman guy.

- No, I get a really
good vibe from him.

- He's not doing our
play, he's not an actor.

- Neither is anyone
else, at the moment,

so let's just keep
our options open, OK?

- OK.

(beat boxing)

- Mr. Gervais, thanks
so much for meeting us.

We've got this great play,
you'd be excellent in it.

It's a small commitment,
you literally open

and close the show.

It's five nights,
$50,000, what do you say?

- Are you having a laugh?
- Fuck, dude,

he's not actually
gonna say that.

- He might.
- Well, he's not going to.

- Mm.

- Thanks, Gary,
that's really helpful.

- Well, I'm just
saying he might.

- Well, he's not
going to, is he?

- Every possible
scenario, isn't it?

Hey, just after Ricky Gervais.

- OK.

♪ Start spreading the news

♪ We're here today

- Hi, Pauly Shore there, please.

- Not here.
- OK.

(beat boxing)

- Hi, my name's Mark, I
was hoping Keanu Reeves

was there please?
- Yeah, who the fuck is this?

- Oh, we've written
him a script.

- Why, what for?
- We're from Australia.

Sorry, this is Gary, hi, yeah.

Yes, Keanu, from the Matrix.

- [Man] I don't know
who the fuck you are,

but you ain't seeing Keanu.

- You don't have to be
aggressive about it.

- [Man] Yeah, well, I
do, it's fucking Keanu.

- Yeah, angry American.
- I'm from America.

Mr. Sandman bring me a dream.

- Oh, yeah, just after Denzel.
- Denzel who?

- Washington.

Hey, just after Alec Baldwin.

- Hi, we're after Ian Ziering.

Hi, is Mr. T there please?
- Why don't you

fuck off, sucker?
- OK.

(beat boxing)

- No, we've come this far, man.

- No, fuck it, man.

Fuck New York, fuck our
play, fuck marriage equality,

fuck Rocky.

I just want to eat take
out, move to the suburbs,

get fat.

I'm gonna get so
fucking fat, man.

Gonna buy some track suit pants.

Gonna work in a call
center, watch porn

while my bogard
wife sucks my dick.

I don't give a fuck.

It's fucked, man.

- [Man] Lily.

- Hi.

We're Mark and Gary.

In 2007, someone in your
office took out an option

on the screen
adaptation of the play,

the Gilded Lilies.
- Yeah, now we're over here,

we're opening the New York
Festival with arguably

the most important play ever.

- Now, there's still
one role to be cast,

the age range is 18
to 85, ethnicity all.

$50,000 for five days work.

You do the math.

- Yeah, we got like
46 minutes, so.

Shall we dance?

(jazzy music)

- Well, cheers.

- Here's to failure.

- [Man] Have some chili, I
want a little chili there.

- No.

- [Man] I want just a handful.

- We're trying to toast, mate.

- [Man] I thought you were
supposed to be friendly.

- Fuck.
- Thanks, thanks.

(phone ringing)

Oh, yeah, this is McBebee.


Are you nuts or what?

You know what?

Do me a favor, send
it to my agent.

I mean, that's great.

Send it to my agent, all right?

I said send it to my agent.

Don't you speak
English, you moron?

OK, bye.

- Sorry, are you
Neville McBebee?

- Yeah, that's me.


What's so funny?

Is there something
wrong with you guys?

- I'm Mark.
- Yeah, I'm Gary.

- I'm McBebee, but
I don't get it.

- We're probably like
your biggest fans.

- Yeah, we've seen like
everything you've done.

- Your work in Who's the
Boss, that was amazing.

It made me cry.
- You want to know something?

Tony Danza was the most
incredible guy to work for.

- Yeah, I bet he was.

- That was fabulous.

- Hey, like, this is total
long shot, but are you

free next week?

Are you free?
- I might be, why?

What have you got
up your sleeve?

- Well, we're writers,
we're from Australia.

- We've got a new play
that's opening the

New York Festival, we've
got about four minutes

to find a lead actor
or else we're gonna be

shipped back to Australia.
- With the bill for

the festival's losses.
- OK, and what do you

want me to do, then?

- Have a read.

Do you want to
look at the script?

- Say what?
- Can you have a look

at the script?
- Yeah, sure,

let me look at it.

- Yeah, but like you only
have to do the opening

and closing monologue.
- But it's not like

an audition or anything, I
mean, you're Neville McBebee,

your work in Cheers and
Family Ties is just--

- I cried in that,
too, by the way.

- When Virtue left you
in Days of Our Lives.

- Yeah, what do you
want me to read?

- Page 96.
- OK.

You want to give me a
little synopsis on this?

- So, like, your boyfriend's
been hit by a car,

he's in hospital, he's
probably gonna die,

the family won't
let you see him,

and the speech there,
it's to the father.

So just from.

- OK.

He might not last the
night, and you guys got me

waiting outside like a dog.

I get it, you guys
don't want me here.

But he's the most important
person in my life.

I felt that the
moment I met him.

When the Tigers won,
I thought he was gonna

punch me in the face.

But instead he looked at
me with the most beautiful

softness in his eyes,
offered me a beer,

and shook my hand.

Neither one of us
choose to be this,

but we did choose each other.

You can't keep me away.

I have to see him, please.

- That was mind blowing.

That was amazing.

- So, when do you
want to start now?

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

You know what, I can't
rehearse because I got

a guest role on Big Bang Theory.

- That's OK, that was awesome.

- You know what,
we'll make it work.

- Can I just ask, why?

- Why, because when I
was a kid, just like

you guys, I come from
Queens, I had a big dream,

and you guys remind me of that.

Plus I'll get some props
playing a fruitcake.

(dramatic music)

- Friend requested
Beth Bernstein.

- Oh yeah?

Did she accept?
- She has six kids

and about 60 extra pounds.
- Oh.

I told Tiff.
- About the warts?

- Text.

Neville fucking McBebee.
- Killing it.

- The Bebenator.

- You're right, you know.
- About what?

- Rocky.

It is a love story.


Here we go, eh?

(dramatic music)

- [Narrator] So Billy and Me
went on to win many awards,

with Neville McBebeee
scooping the Tony.

Gilded Lilies finally
got picked up.

It was sure to be a hit.

Deb and Alan got
married and opened

their own interpretive
dance studio.

They also taught salsa.

The Suck franchise ventured
into new territory,

with the first ever man
on man vampire love story.

In the end, Jack thanked
the boys for accidentally

outing him on Twitter,
making him out and proud.

Mark and Gary won
the Nobel Prize,

which allowed them to
fulfill a lifelong dream,

to eat tacos with Obama.

(melancholy music)