Sunset Limousine (1983) - full transcript

[music playing]

Julie, I think we should at least define the parameters

of this thing, OK?

All right, look, if we were married,

we'd call this a trial separation, right?

A trial separation?

No, Alan, this is what we'd call a divorce.

I won't accept, that Julie.

We've come too far.

I'm not ready for that.

Yes, that's part of your problem, Alan.



You're not ready for anything.

Your whole life is a rehearsal.

Wait, look-- Julie--

Julie?

Does this mean we can't go to the game today, Alan?

It kind of looks that way, doesn't it, Steven?

But um-- maybe next week.

These things blow over.

JULIE: No, they don't!

[grunting]

[shouting]

Do you mind giving me a hand with this?

Oh, please, Julie, leave Red Cloud.

There's no need for him to get mixed up in this.



He's leaving, too.

Thanks.

Why are you limping?

Nothing.

No, why?

What happened.

OK, I just hurt myself.

Oh-- don't-- don't look for an injury

to parade in front of me.

I stubbed my toe!

Well then, you should be wearing these.

Steven, say goodbye to Alan.

He's leaving.

So long, Alan.

So long, Steven.

Hey, listen to me--

I shall return.

[car horn]

What's going on?

It's me and Julie.

We're having a trial separation.

Trial separation?

You mean she threw you out?

She threw me out.

Where you going to stay?

I thought maybe your place?

Is Alan gone for good?

I don't know, Steven.

I should have talked to you about it.

Because I know how--

how Alan's been like father to you, and--

I know how much you love him.

It's just sometimes things happen to grown ups that--

well, it's difficult for kids to understand.

Are you upset?

I just like to know what's going on in my family.

I don't-- I don't know what to say.

I-- I'm surprised.

You're surprised?

I'm devastated.

Aw, Jay, what do people do when this happens to 'em?

They throw themselves in their work, usually.

That's going to be hard for you, since you don't have a job.

Thanks, Jay. I appreciate it.

I'm getting a job, all right?

I've already made that decision.

Yeah?

It'll be a good move for me psychologically.

Take my mind off the situation.

And you know, it'll provide some cushion while I work on my act.

Uh-huh.

And you're not doing that just to impress Julie?

Of course I am.

You think you could get me a job at your place?

They don't us--

This is the time, man, I really could use the job.

What do you think?

You know, if it was up to me, you would--

Would you ask for me?

You have to war a suit.

I got a suit.

I'm sure I got a suit, if Julie packed it.

Alan?

Karen?

How are you?

You look terrific.

I didn't recognize you.

Is Julie with you?

No.

No, I'm afraid we're temporarily--

estranged

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I'd better call her.

Would you?

I know she could really use some support right now.

That would be great.

Excuse me.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, I'm looking for the people from Playboy.

Miss, um-- I believe they're having cocktails.

Mademoiselle December, of course.

This way, sir.

Nice talking to you, Karen.

Yeah.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Karen.

I'm fine.

Yeah.

How are you?

I know.

It's been far too long.

Yeah.

I know, it has been.

But listen, Julie, I was so upset

to hear about you and Alan.

Yes.

Oh, I understand.

I know, it must be.

Well, it's just that you two were so good together.

No.

No, I-- I just ran into him.

You saw him where?

With a what?

My dear, the pictures in that magazine barely do you justice.

I think this is just the beginning.

- I hope so, Delores. - Darling!

How's the deal?

Give me a call.

Oh, listen, I'm meeting some people

from Fox at Chase's for dinner.

It'd be good for you to meet them.

Why don't you join us?

Oh, I'd love to, Delores, but I promised to have

dinner with Hef at the mansion.

Ah, of course.

Well, we'll drop you off.

Now, where's that driver?

Where to, ladies?

Young man, there's something I need to do,

and you might find it a bit peculiar.

Do you mind?

I guess not, Mrs. Chase.

I've only been on this job a few days, but, uh--

you're the client.

You bought the right.

Well, I usually prefer to do it

in the privacy of my bedroom, but it upsets the staff.

Please try to maintain a steady 35 miles an hour.

[screaming]

Was that your first experience with primal therapy?

I find it so relaxing.

I must confess, it had the opposite effect on me,

Mrs. Chase.

Actually, it's the re-enactment

of the birth trauma.

It's the anger of the baby--

the pain of being born.

- Uh-huh. - Oh, no, thank you.

Not while I'm driving.

If you'll just sign the account, Mrs. Chase,

I'll be running along.

Why in such a hurry?

Well, we charge by the hour, ma'am.

I was just thinking of the expense.

Oh, the hell with it.

It's all deductible.

Oh.

Uh-- well, OK.

It's just that I've had a very, very long day.

Oh.

Well, I have just the thing for you.

Very nice, Mrs. Chase.

You can see the whole city from here, can't you?

This should help us to unwind.

Oh, here.

I believe you dropped this.

Let me get this.

Look, Mrs. Chase, I'll put the bill in the mail, OK?

I should be getting on the road, and--

so I'll be leaving now.

Every party has a pooper.

That's why we invited you.

Could I have the key, Mrs. Chase?

Party pooper.

Thank-- could I just have them, Mrs. Chase?

No, no, no. Please.

Oh-- I wish you hadn't done that.

This is unbelievable.

OK, the joke's over.

Mrs. Chase, could I-- could I please have the keys?

- No. - Yeah.

I really have to get back.

I must insist you hand over the keys.

Would you-- no, don't-- - Yes!

It's warm and toasty!

I can't believe you did that.

I can.

MAN: Delores!

Who's that?

Oh, dear.

It's my husband.

I'm home, dear.

Delores?

Delores?

[gasping]

Howard, you've been drinking again, and you're late.

Hey, I-- I just had a couple of drinks

with the guys after the game.

Why don't go in and fix yourself a sandwich?

You should have been there.

It went extra innings.

And then Guerrero got up and hit a home

run in the bottom of the 12th.

[coughing]

You're right, Mrs. Chase.

The filter's clogged.

Who are you?

Uh-- I'm, uh, the plumber, sir.

24 hour emergency service.

Is that your limousine outside?

Uh, yes, sir.

I'm with VIP Plumbing.

Eh, figures.

You know, you guys make more money than dentists.

I mean, if you spring a leak, what are you going to do?

Negotiate?

You're unbelievable.

You know, I should have pressed

this suit before I left.

I think it's shrunk.

How does it happen to you?

First day on the job, and you get a Playboy centerfold,

and a big time Hollywood press agent

wants to party in her hot tub?

I didn't want to party.

Have you forgotten I'm an unhappily separated man?

I tell you something, that's all I ever

wanted out of this business.

I just wanted to meet a rich widow

who finds me irresistibly attractive,

and spends a fortune on me.

Buys me monogrammed shirts, and pays for tennis lessons,

and sets me with my my own business.

Jay Neilsen Real Estate.

Couldn't you make it Jay Neilsen Dry Cleaning?

First week here, and you land a playmate.

She's a very charming lady.

When I went to pick her up, she bought me a cappuccino.

Well get this straight, kid--

see these buttons?

I'm the senior driver here, and I get the creme de la creme.

Well, I'm sorry you weren't here,

but it was a last minute call.

Well, don't let it happen again.

I'm watching you.

Hey, Gavrik, why don't you blow it out your ear, huh?

Do you get the impression he doesn't like me?

I wouldn't worry about it.

He doesn't like anybody.

Except Frank Sinatra.

Why did he make an exception for Frank?

Well, because he drove him to Dodger Stadium once.

He got a $100 tip.

I think he's still got it framed.

Of course, Mr. G. Yes.

Yes, it's your usual limousine.

And your usual limousine driver, as requested.

Well, I have the book list right in front of me.

Well, he should be there any moment.

Yes.

Oh, it must be traffic, Mr. G.

Yeah.

It's in my name, and it's already been paid for.

Be a doll, and pick it up for me.

Tell me I can make my film editing class.

Mrs. Durning, I've had it with rock and roll bands.

I stand for four hours outside the Forum,

and then they spill tequila all over the back of my limo,

and I get no tip.

Uh, Gavrik?

I've got a great job you.

I am going to give you an oil sheikh.

A sheikh, huh?

Yeah.

I can't find the booking slip, but--

and I can't even--

I can't even begin to pronounce his name--

but he has three wives.

They all dress alike, so he shouldn't be

too tough to find in a crowd.

OK?

Right.

Lauren, you have a pick up in 10 minutes

at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel.

Can you cut a peel rubber?

Come on, baby.

Babe, move it.

Call me Saturday.

Alan?

I want you.

Uh-- oh.

Yes, ma'am?

I would like to say I'm sorry for throwing

you in the deep end so soon.

How do you mean, Miss Durning?

Well, I mean giving you that Playboy ride.

But you took care of them OK, huh?

Oh, yes.

Miss December, she's a delightful lady, really.

But I gotta tell you, that PR person is a little weird.

What do you mean by that?

Well, I mean she started screaming

in the back of my car.

I wanna tell you something, O'Black.

What clients do is none of your business.

In this job you are paid to drive the rich.

What they are paying for is privacy

on wheels, and at $35 an hour, that

is what they're entitled to.

So no matter what happens in that backseat,

you keep those pretty little blue eyes,

and those sharp little ears peeled on the road.

Do I make myself clear, tootsie?

Yes, ma'am.

And Alan?

Think you can do something about that suit?

Get it pressed?

You look like you've been sleeping in it.

Oh, right away.

Please.

ALAN: Big problem with my girlfriend was freedom.

I was too firm with her.

We had a huge fight about that one night out with the boys.

I insisted she give it up, but she just wouldn't hear it.

Uh-- my girlfriend said that I was immature,

and I took exception to that.

I'm very responsible.

I told her, just take a look at my room.

You know, every stuffed animal was in place.

All the Muppets were lined up according to seniority.

All my Archie, Betty and Veronica comic books

were alphabetized.

My baseball cards were very neat.

[phone ringing]

Well, this time of year, of course, you have to be careful.

I've always liked these.

What are these? - Daisies.

Daisies?

- Phone, Julie. - Yeah.

Excuse me.

I'll be right back.

You know, I could kill anything.

OK. All right.

I'll be right back.

OK.

Thanks, Gail.

Hello?

Uh, hello.

Hi. - Oh.

It's you, Alan.

Uh, I just wanted to say hi.

How are you?

How's Steven?

Well, he's fine.

We're both fine.

How are you?

I got a job.

Well, that's great.

Which club?

No, I'm not playing a gig.

I-- I have a proper job.

I got my first paycheck last week.

Well, that's great, Alan.

That's being positive.

What kind of a job is it?

Why don't I call you later, Julie?

This is a very bad connection.

Yeah, I know.

I can hardly hear you.

Yeah, well, I'm calling from the car.

Listen, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later.

Alan?

Does this like a lot of sun?

He was calling from the car.

Hey, Alan.

How's it going?

Oh, pretty good.

Are we allowed to park here?

Not officially.

But the cops aren't too hard-nosed about it.

Well, I think I'm early for once.

Boy, you know, I thought I knew my way around LA,

but people keep wanting to go places I've never been.

MIss, you've been here 35 minutes.

Now I gotta ticket you.

Officer, you're absolutely right.

I only wanted to get as near as possible for my client.

I'll just circle.

Can you keep an eye out for me for an old lady

in a wheelchair?

Hey, OK.

You can stay where you are.

Thanks.

Hi, officer. I just got here.

I know.

Move it.

That's beautiful.

I love it.

I love it.

Only a girl with your looks could pull a stroke like that.

Listen, how about letting me drive you somewhere some night?

What do you think?

If I ever need an Aztec pimp, I'll call you.

ANNOUNCER: Allied International Airlines, flight four,

now arriving at gate two.

Mr. [inaudible],, please pick up the courtesy telephone.

Allied International Airlines, flight four,

now arriving at gate two. - That's me.

Mr. Coleman, Sunset Limousine at your service.

- Perfecto. - May I take your bags?

Sure.

How about the, uh-- OK.

Do you have any other baggage? - Yes.

Right this way.

What, no wheelchair?

Where's the limo?

Uh, we still have a bit of a walk, sir.

All right, I have to go now.

He's arrived.

Stop worrying.

I won't lose him.

He's taking a limo.

Hey, baby.

Wow!

Did you see that?

What, sir?

Hookers on roller skates.

Welcome to LA.

Well, you don't see that in Dayton, I'll tell you that.

Are you from Dayton?

Yeah.

I went to Ohio State.

- You're kidding? - No.

I majored in dental engineering.

I did some drama, then I moved out here to LA

and became a songwriter.

I did pretty good for a while, but then my partner,

who wrote the music, got all spiritual

and moved to an ashram up in San Bernardino.

And then you drove a limo?

Uh, no.

Actually, I-- I then became a comic.

And then what happened?

Nothing.

I'm still a comic.

But you're driving a limo.

Oh, yeah.

Well, this is just a temporary job while I work on my act.

- Oh, I see. - Yeah.

Wow, you're a comic?

That's great.

Like-- would I have heard of you?

Uh-- not in Dayton.

Mr. Coleman, is this your first trip to Los Angeles?

Brad. It's Brad.

Yes. It is.

I'm Alan.

Oh.

Are you on vacation, Brad?

Well, no.

Actually, I'm-- I'm on business.

But while I'm here, I would-- certainly would

like to loosen up, you know?

And just-- get down.

Uh-huh?

Uh-oh.

Um-- gee, Mr. Coleman--

Brad-- I think I'm lost.

No, wait a minute.

I know this street.

- Where's he going? - He's smarter than we thought.

He knows we're tailing him.

Here we are, sir.

Thanks.

Thanks for the ride.

My pleasure.

I'll be needing a car again, so I'll ask for you personally.

- Well, thank you. - Oh, there.

Right.

Oh, and this is for you.

Thanks, Brad.

Well, I'm going to catch me some rays poolside.

You do that.

Poolside.

See ya, Al.

Yeah.

Take care, now.

I think maybe Alan was frustrated.

Oh?

I mean, about his act.

Going nowhere fast.

Probably made him tense.

Depressed.

You know, it was the same thing with Rick and me.

But I'll tell you something--

once I threw him out of the house,

I felt such a tremendous sense of relief.

I don't feel relieved.

I feel miserable.

Rick's problem was his father.

He felt he'd always be in his shadow.

He felt-- inadequate.

Wasn't there also the problem of Rick

sleeping with your sister?

Talking about root causes, not symptoms.

Rick never grew up, you see?

He was afraid to.

You know, Alan's a little afraid of growing up, too.

He wants to do so many things.

And when you're a child, they're all possible.

Why is it that the things that make you love someone

are the same things that drive you crazy?

[laughter]

Alan, when are you going to start growing up?

Uh, just as soon as I stop throwing up.

I had to leave, finally, when she kept coming home from work

and taking a look at me, and the first thing out of her mouth

was--

[shouting] I knew it was time to leave.

And I think it's time to leave right now,

so thank you very much.

I just want to say that it's really a joy to play

here in The Back Room for me.

Now, those three words may not mean

much to you, "The Back Room," but for me, I love this place.

This is my start in art.

Thank you very much.

[applause]

You have to meet people.

What people?

Oh, thanks.

New people.

You cannot spend your evenings here

concentrating on your diet.

Don't asked me to date, Karen.

I wouldn't know how.

Hey, baby.

You like Thai food?

Huh?

You like Fassbender films?

Have you heard the latest Motown sound?

You wanna drop by my place?

I make the best cappuccino.

Oh, no.

All right.

Fine.

Make your own choices.

Obviously they're not the same as Alan's, or I

wouldn't have seen him at L'Orangerie with Miss December.

This dog goes around the house humming

Eddie Rabbitt's big hit, "Someone

Could Lose A Heart Tonight."

I bought this red rubber ball, and every day, for hours,

I'd throw the ball.

Then I'd go after it, and bring it back in my mouth.

I finally taught the dog to say attaboy, attaboy.

You've been a wonderful audience.

Thank you very much.

Goodnight, now.

Tom Dreesen.

Hey, how about that?

Tom, you're welcome here in The Main Room any time.

Excuse me, Tom?

Tom?

I just have to tell you, that was a great set, man.

And I saw you on the Johnny Carson Show last week.

You were really very funny.

- Thank you, um-- - Alan.

Alan O'Black. - Yeah.

Alan.

I caught a little bit of your act in The Back Room.

Good. Very good.

Wow. Thank you.

I'm working on it still, you know?

Well, you should.

You know, you got a good shot at it.

There's a nice quality about you.

But remember, you gotta rehearse,

rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.

And when you get tired of that, rehearse some more.

- Nice talking to you. - You, too.

Take care. - Thanks a lot.

Appreciate that.

Rehearse.

Yeah.

Julie says my whole life is a rehearsal.

What does she mean by that?

Exactly.

I mean, what's wrong with wanting to get things right?

I mean, I want her to feel that she's with someone

she can be proud of.

I thought you weren't with her?

Oh, that's only temporarily.

See, I have to make her realize that growth has taken place.

You know, real change.

I hope it works out for you both, Alan.

I don't know this Julie, but she's a very lucky person.

You have a beautiful aura.

What a thing to say.

Uh-- I think we should be leaving.

Oh, OK.

Give me just a minute.

Yeah.

You, uh, just about through with my date?

We just touched hands.

We were just talking a little. Don't worry.

Are we going home now? - Sure.

Well, Stacy, and I are leaving.

I thought maybe it'd be better if you stayed here.

You know, have a few drinks and loosen up, and just

mosey back to the house about--

Tuesday. - Oh, good.

That's fine.

What difference does it make?

I never sleep, anyway. - Right.

Exactly my point.

Hey, that was some funny stuff you did out there tonight?

Yeah, well, I think a lot of it

was lost on those Japanese tourists.

Couldn't you give me a better spot?

Hey, I'd put you in The Main Room

if you met the audience halfway.

See, they'd go for that stuff if you were a name,

or if you were a face.

How do I become a face?

TV.

Oh.

Fat chance.

Maybe not.

There was a producer in last night,

said he was casting a TV show up in Burbank.

Said he's looking for fresh, funny faces.

Hey, that could almost be you.

As a matter of fact, I got the script in my office.

It's Lubin, uh, Productions, and the show is called The Jurors.

You oughta go for it.

Do yourself a favor, Alan.

Less of the animal impersonations, and more

of the one liners.

I mean, they make the rules, so play the game their way.

Let me go find that script for you.

You oughta get your agent to give 'em a call.

Well thanks, Elmer.

I don't have an agent, though.

Hey, don't look for excuses, Alan.

If you wanted to--

I'm not making any excuses, Jay.

What are you talking about? - No, you always--

Oh, yeah?

Without an appointment, how am I supposed

to get past the studio gates? Answer me that.

Very simple.

You drive a limo, right? - Right.

So?

Yeah, well, I'm late again, as usual.

I got a pickup at Lubin productions.

How's your wife? Terrific.

Listen, I'll see you later.

I gotta move.

Well--

Excuse me, are they casting for The Jurors here?

Just a minute, Melissa.

I have to put you on hold. Yes, but--

Are they seeing someone at the moment?

No.

Do you have an appointment?

I'm about to make one.

Sir, you can't-- sir, you can't go in there.

Sir?

Uh, gentlemen-- uh, I apologize for this intrusion,

but I'm sure you'll find it worth your while.

I do not have an appointment, so I

figure I have about two minutes before you kick me out, OK?

Uh-- thank you.

Hello.

My name is Alan O'Black.

This is for you, so you don't forget.

And I must tell you, a friend of mine

slipped me a copy of the script, The Jurors,

and I gotta tell you guys, I think it is a great idea.

12 strangers bound together?

Oh, boy.

So physically, I think I am a Perry.

I really know this character.

I mean, I have--

I've been there.

And my favorite speech of Perry's is to Margaret,

the black lady juror.

If I may, on page 14?

Thank you.

It wasn't easy being a rich kid, Margaret.

Uh-uh.

I always had the best of everything.

The best clothes, the best cars, the best girls.

But it tore me up inside.

Your values get screwed up.

You know what I mean?

Wouldn't yours?

If you hit a home run in Little League,

and your father bought you a Porsche?

[clearing throat]

A Porsche.

You know, I-- I also can do Margaret,

when she gets mad at the kid.

(EXAGGERATED VOICE) Honey, what do you mean,

I don't know nothing about courtrooms?

I've spent most of my life in courtrooms!

[laughter]

I can also do the judge, on 34.

Young man!

Young man, you sit down, or I'll have the bailiff

remove you immediately.

[laughter]

Do you want me to do the judge?

I'm sure you could.

You seem like a very versatile and talented young man.

Thank you, my liege.

Is he funny?

If it was up to me, you'd get the part.

What do you mean, if it was up to you?

Isn't this Lubin Productions? - Well, sure.

But we're just auditing the accounts.

[laughter]

What a funny guy.

Have a happy, enjoyable day.

Have a happy, enjoyable day.

[laughter]

[knocking]

Mr. Coleman?

Brad, are you there?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, you!

Mr. Coleman?

Hey, you!

Stop!

What's happening?

You've been robbed!

I walked in, I surprised the guy.

Listen, I better get the hotel to call the cops.

You know, the weird thing is I had a feeling

I'd seen him somewhere.

Oh, there's, uh, no need for that, really.

What do you mean?

Well, the chances of catching him are pretty remote.

I mean, they usually are in these cases, right?

But you gotta report it, Brad.

For insurance.

Well, I will.

I'll take it up with the manager.

Personally.

OK.

You want to check what's missing?

Oh, yes.

Hey.

Here's your camera.

And look-- your billfold and watch are still here.

These are the first things a thief would take.

Well, like you said, you surprised him.

Or maybe he was looking for something else?

- Mr. Coleman? - Yes.

Mr. Janczyn?

Get in, please.

Where to, gentlemen?

Uh, just keep driving, Al.

May we have a little privacy?

Oh.

Yes.

This is rather luxurious.

Well, I can afford it.

At least, if we close the deal, I can afford it.

That's not my function, Mr. Coleman.

I'm just here to authenticate the merchandise.

Yeah, well, sir, what I would like

are some guarantees for my security.

I mean, I've already had my entire hotel room turned over.

You're not suggesting that had anything

to do with Mr. Reinhammer?

I'm not suggesting anything, sir.

I just-- I would like you to let him know that I'm--

like, you know, nobody's fool.

As you wish, Mr. Coleman.

But first things first, don't you agree?

Oh, yes.

Of course.

Hey, Jess?

Have, uh-- have you thought about your retirement?

You ever think about that?

Retirement?

Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I have.

And it doesn't involve one of your hare-brained investment

schemes.

Hare-brained investment--

Sunset Limousine.

Jessie, what could be more solid than real estate?

It's a quick return on your investment.

That's the beauty of it.

You get your money back in five months-- six at

the very outside.

In fact, Jess, all I need now is a down payment.

We put that into escrow, you'll get it right back at the end.

That's-- - Yes, I--

That's what's so great about this.

Why don't' you be quiet?

No, no, no.

Your limo will be there at 12:30, Mr. Douglas.

I'm sorry.

Thank you so much.

OK, bye bye.

- Jess. - What?

The house.

I'm telling you, I checked that off of Laurel Canyon.

It is beautiful.

The owner's going to come down to $82,000,

and listen to this-- this is the great-- she'll carry paper.

You can't ask for better than that.

I saw that house.

It's a toilet.

What?

What are you doing here, Gavrik?

You were supposed to be with that oil sheikh, right?

I left his wives at Neiman Marcus.

ALAN: Jessie, it's Alan checking in.

Alan?

Alan, darling, you are supposed to say limo three to base.

ALAN: - OK, Jessie, limo three to base.

I've brought Mr. Coleman back.

Can I take a lunch break?

Yeah, affirmative.

Listen, Jess, this has two bedrooms, and one of them

is right over--

He says it's a toilet.

He's got no vision.

What we do is we put a pine floor, and a hot tub,

and then we advertise it funky rustic.

You are driving me crazy.

You know, maybe now's not a good time?

Please, just leave me alone.

Please.

I'll leave you the papers.

Julie?

[car horn]

Steven, you wait there.

Celebrity towing at your service.

Good god, Alan?

What are you doing in that thing?

Shh.

Keep your voice down.

I stole it.

Listen, you've got to come with me, Julie.

We can sell it in Tijuana and start a whole new life,

south of the border.

We can even open up our own upholstery school if we want.

Hi, Alan!

Wait a minute.

Wait just a minute I know you.

You're Steven Preston, the youngest ever inductee

into the Pac Man Hall of Fame.

Is that your car?

Uh-- kinda.

Wow.

Can I see?

Yeah, sure.

Just don't get lost in there.

All right, I won't.

So this is the new job, huh?

And this is how you just happened

to be calling me from the car.

Well, I thought I'd keep you guessing.

Should someone whose mind wanders as much as yours

be responsible for a thing that long?

No, no, no.

Driving is not the problem.

It's trying to kid people I know my way around.

So how's it going with you?

It's not going at all.

I think it's the radiator hose.

Wait-- I didn't mean with the truck.

I meant life without me.

Alan, I can't think about life without you now.

I called the auto club, and they're going

to be at least 40 minutes.

Well, that's a lot of time to talk about us.

Look at me, Julie.

I've joined the real world.

I am no longer camping out on the edge of reality.

I work 10 hours a day, bring home a paycheck.

In six months they're putting me on the pension plan.

I'm putting you down as next of kin.

But you want to be a comic, Alan.

And you shouldn't give that up. You're good.

Well, I'll be better.

You know, I could base a whole routine on the people I drive.

Steven! [car horn]

Stop that!

No, he's OK.

Well, if he runs your battery down, we'll both need a tow.

And if they take much longer, this tree

is going to die in this heat.

It's a very unique specimen.

I was delivering it.

I went to pick up Steven, I was going to deliver the tree,

and go home.

Julie, do you think I could just stand by and see

something beautiful perish?

Base to limo three.

Base to limo three.

Alan?

Uh, sorry, Jessie, this is limo three receiving you.

What?

Over.

Alan, it's real important that you get

to 12516 Wilshire Boulevard.

There's a VIP arriving in 15 minutes.

Oh, no.

Alan?

Alan, can you read my lips?

Uh, Jessie, I'm at the Wilshire pickup,

but it's just a big patch of grass, Jessie.

Jessie?

Damn.

Uh, sir?

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir?

Do you know any place, uh, I can put a tree?

What?

Yeah, I have a tree in the limo, and I was wondering,

do you know anywhere I can put it for just about an hour

or so?

You want to leave a tree?

Out of the sun.

Otherwise it'll die.

It's a very valuable tree.

It's right there, in the limo--

No!

[knocking]

Hey, Steven?

My mom doesn't want to talk to you.

That bad, huh?

What have you done now?

I can explain.

It had better be good.

Steven, will you do this homework again?

There's a lot of mistakes.

Uh, Julie?

About the tree--

I saw the tree, Alan.

When I got back to the store, there was this--

defoliated thing.

And I have to ask--

how?

Uh-- well, see, there was this helicopter.

Oh.

Oh, a helicopter?

Well, now I see it all.

And it was spraying Agent Orange, right?

Julie, come on.

I was-- I was trying to help. - Oh.

Yeah, help me lose my job.

Well, it didn't help me with my job.

You know, I had to pick up this political bigwig

and explain why he's knee deep in leaves.

You know, I--

I'll just say sorry, sir, we had an early fall this season.

[laughter]

Steven.

I'll be paying for that tree till Thanksgiving.

Well, how much can a tree cost?

That was an arboris thermopolis.

So?

I'll get you another one.

Will you?

Yeah.

Where do I pick one up?

The Philippines.

And don't hurry back.

Look, I--

I just thought I'd come around to apologize.

Would you settle on a nice Chinese dinner?

How about that? - Yeah!

No.

No.

No, Steven, you get back to your homework, OK?

Alan, would you--

Alan, if you remember, we agreed to split up.

No.

No, no, Julie, you agreed.

It never got my vote, OK?

But Steven-- he has to get used to the idea

of not seeing us together.

And seeing you tonight, it will unsettle him.

Well, seeing you tonight is unsettling me.

Aren't you a little unsettled?

Don't you want to join the rest of us?

OK, yes.

I mean, that's why I don't want to keep going through this.

It's too painful.

Alan, we have to stay out of each other's lives.

Don't you see?

No, I don't.

But if that's what you really want, you got it.

That's a promise.

[laughter]

Excuse me, sir?

Are you using this for a sec?

May I borrow this, just for this one sequence?

Thank you. Appreciate it.

I-- oh, hello.

You're late.

You have to suck on this lime until I tell you otherwise.

Did you know-- excuse me?

Did you pay for this?

Uh-- how many of you are parents?

Mhm.

Well, as you know, you have to be careful what movies

you take your kids to see.

I mean, all of you know that films can influence

you for the rest of your life.

I personally have never, ever recovered from what

happened to poor little Bambi.

You know?

But I gotta tell you that the film that I've never

gotten over is "Old Yeller."

Have any of you seen "Old Yeller?"

Well, this is my version of a scene

from "Old Yeller," between Tommy Kirk and Dorothy McGuire.

The kitchen scene toward the end of the film.

Tommy Kirk speaks.

Hey, ma?

I think Yeller's sick, ma.

You know, I-- I spoke to old Doc Watson

last week, after he came down to treat my hand after Yeller

bit me.

Well, he said the dog would be all right--

all right.

But I don't know.

I think Yeller's acting a little strange, ma.

And-- matter of fact, I feel a little poorly, myself.

I just-- [growling] Ma, maybe--

maybe if I had a little drink of water to whet my whistle,

I might feel a mite better.

What do you think?

Thank you, ma.

[applause]

Thank you very much.

Enjoy.

Oh, Elmer, you hear this?

Aren't they a great audience? Thank you.

Thank you, Elmer.

He's good.

I'm so glad I skipped my aerobics

class to see him tonight.

Oh, I know.

He's adorable.

He's not adorable.

He's funny, he's original.

He's not adorable.

I think just cute.

He kind of makes me want to protect him.

Give me a break, would you, please?

- Hi, guys. - Oh, you were great.

Was that all new stuff?

Uh, mostly all new, except for that bit

from the Robin Williams album.

You know?

Down, Simba!

How did you-- how did you get so up?

I saw you an hour ago, you were a mess.

You know, I don't know.

I guess it just comes from desperation.

Despair.

Use it.

If that's what it is, it works for you.

Oh, lay on the despair more?

As much as you can.

It must be wonderful to be so gifted.

Have, uh-- have you seen me juggle?

Because I-- I, uh--

I juggle sometimes.

Hootie hoo, hootie hoo.

You took my advice.

You were right on it.

And I liked that part about auditioning

for the guys doing the books.

Elmer, [inaudible].

Only it wasn't as funny as it seemed, I tell you.

Hey, I'm putting you in the room next week.

You know, I was so embarrassed.

I'm in the middle of this producer's office--

Did you hear what I said?

I'm giving you The Main Room next week.

The Main Room? Wait a minute, Elmer.

I don't-- - We accept.

We accept. There are two conditions.

First of all, I don't want him going on after midnight.

I don't want you serving any drinks while he's on stage.

Who is this?

I'm his manager, Jay Neilson.

Nilson Talent. - Jay, wait.

Wait.

Let me handle this, Al, please.

Elmer, why don't we step into your office and--

Hey. Hey, don't get pushy.

Don't get pushy. This is a standard deal.

I'm giving Alan a break.

I think we can work something out,

we'll both be pretty happy.

I doubt it very seriously.

Let me just speak to him.

You've got mud on your hubcaps.

You've seen my car.

Let me tell you, there's not a cleaner

limo in Southern California.

You know why I keep it that way?

You're hoping Sinatra will call

and ask for you a second time?

Don't make jokes about Frank.

Frank is a prince among men.

I keep it that way because I have pride in my job.

I'm not like you flakes, who all want to be something else.

I'm proud to drive a limo.

And let me tell you, the clients notice that.

Take the sheikh, for example.

You know what a guy like that dips?

What?

20 barrels a day?

200 big ones.

Wow!

Oh!

Gee--

[inaudible]

Hey, you better, uh, check this out.

BRAD: How far is it to Pasadena, anyway?

I'm not sure, Brad.

This is a first for me, too.

Hey, Al, have you ever heard of Arnold Reinhammer III?

The Reinhammer Foundation Reinhammer?

Right.

And Reinhammer Trust, and the Reinhammer Museum?

Didn't he marry Miss Norway?

I think, yes.

And he never has his photo taken, never sees people?

Well, he's seeing me.

Mr. Coleman to see Mr. Reinhammer.

Good morning, Mr. Coleman.

How are you?

Fine, thank you.

Quite a place.

Yes.

Later we must show you the aviary.

Ah, yes, that would be pleasant.

Just stay right here, driver.

Beautiful garden.

Yeah.

Finest in the state.

I wish I could bring my girl here.

She knows all about flowers.

She'd love that one.

Cymbidium.

Ah.

It's a [inaudible] orchid.

A lot of people are afraid of them.

But they're not hard to grow.

If you keep them out of drafts.

You know, in Burma, where this guy comes from,

the natives say that the pedals have aphrodisiac properties.

You ever try it?

Never needed to.

Why doesn't old man Reinhammer open this up to the public?

Share the beauty?

Doesn't like visitors.

I hear he's a bit of a coot.

Never goes out.

Or is it because Miss Norway always keeps him indoors?

Come along.

It's time for your injection, Mr. Reinhammer.

Mr. Reinhammer! Stop that!

Please.

Coffee, gentlemen?

And your wheatgrass, sir.

Janczyn tells me you're trucking in the neighborhood

of a million dollars.

Uh-- well, that is the market value, sir.

You know, you remind me of your grandfather.

That SOB outbid me on several occasions.

Ever talk to you about me?

Yes.

Often.

I'll bet he never had a kind word to say about me.

No, never.

No.

I hated him.

That's why I miss him so much.

Now, what's all this about a million dollars?

That is correct, Mr. Reinhammer.

And I would like it in cash.

Well, I don't think I got that much in these pants.

But you know, cash is-- when I was a young man selling

hardware in Reading, Pennsylvania,

I always gave my cash customer a discount.

What sort of a discount?

Oh, 17 and 1/2 percent.

That will bring us to our 825,000, son.

Yes.

- I can't figure this guy out. - What guy?

My regular, Bradley "Call Me Brad" Coleman.

He thinks it's cool to wear tennis shoes with a formal suit

and a tie pin.

Sounds like a rock and roll manager.

No. Not even close.

No.

You know the guy in high school--

there's always one guy who was a nebbish?

Right.

You ever wonder what happened to those guys

when they grow up?

They turn into Bradley Coleman.

So what can't you figure out?

I think he's dealing something.

And my guess is he's way out of his league.

Lunch is served.

Hey, did you get the anchovies?

I got everything.

Hey, can one of you guys do me a favor,

and take my ride tonight?

That way I can make my photography class.

- Sure, I'll do it. - Great.

Thanks.

Alan, you gotta rehearse.

I mean, you got a lot of work to do.

This is the big times.

This is it.

Jay, I need the money.

That's true.

Because how else could you pay my commission?

I gotta replace a tree.

- Up. - Down.

Down. There.

This isn't going to work.

Oh, don't be silly.

You look gorgeous.

I mean the date.

Who is he?

Do I know him?

No, you don't know him, Steven.

Karen introduced us.

He's a very nice guy.

He's going to take your mommy out to a concert.

And then hopefully to a very expensive restaurant.

Where to now, sir?

Oh, we're going to a rock concert.

But first of all, go left on Ventura,

and I'll tell you where to go from there.

A rock concert, huh?

Would you rather I take off my hat?

Why, is that any cheaper.?

No, sir.

Leave it on, then.

Why do I feel like I'm cheating on Alan?

Because this is a very confusing time for you.

But trust me, this is just the sort of thing you need

to get him out of your mind.

You're right.

I should take him off my mind, huh?

Yeah. [knocking]

Oh. Oh.

Oh. - My purse.

I need-- Oh, here it is. - Oh, here.

Here, here.

All right, Steven, do whatever Karen says, and go

to bed whenever Karen says, OK?

Goodbye. - Bye.

Bye.

Have fun.

[knocking]

Hi, Julie.

Hi, Mel.

- You look very nice. - I do?

- Mhm. - Thank you.

Let's go.

Bye.

Kids today.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

What's that?

Oh, that's a limousine.

You know what a hassle it is parking at rock concerts.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good evening, madam.

Thank you so much.

My pleasure.

Driver, are you sure this is the way to the auditorium?

Uh, I'm almost sure, sir.

I think I may have taken the wrong exit ramp.

Damned right.

You did.

You should have turned off at Main.

Don't worry, Mel.

You know, these things, they always start late.

Yeah, but not an hour late.

Well--

This guy does not know what he's doing.

He's only had the job for two weeks.

How would you know?

I mean-- you know, maybe he's only had the job for two weeks.

I apologize for this, Julie.

No, no, no. Don't worry, Mel.

It's not your fault.

And driver, why are you turning right?

It's legal to turn right on a red light in California, sir.

Don't quote the driver's handbook at me, all right?

I'm sorry, sir.

I didn't think you wanted to linger, so I hung a right.

Driver, may I ask you a question?

Yes, ma'am?

Are we lost?

Affirmative.

OK.

OK, now at least we know where we are.

No, we don't know where we are.

There's no need to raise your voice, Mel.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I should stop and ask someone the way?

In this neighborhood?

Are you crazy?

[car horn]

You idiot!

You provoked them.

No problem, sir.

I'll just back up.

Uh, sir, are you good with young people?

I detest young people.

Great.

Hey, guys.

Sorry.

Uh, can I just speak to you for a sec?

Take me to your leader.

Which one of you gentlemen--

Oh. I should've known.

Hi. How you doing?

I'm Alan.

Nice to meet you.

I'm new on the job, and I just have to take these people--

real nice people-- to the auditorium

for the big concert tonight.

What are you guys, a car club, or something?

That's-- I saw your--

that car over there.

What is that, a '63?

- '61. - '61?

Oh, god.

A cherry car, man?

I'm telling you, hang on to that.

It could be a classic someday, you know?

Gosh, so you're the leader of this gang?

Nice looking group here, man.

I bet you-- what are you--

the Devils, huh?

The Devils.

Is that the name of your--

that's a great name.

You guys are probably the toughest dudes around.

I always wanted to be a member of a gang,

but my mother wouldn't let me.

I always had to go in and practice the cello.

It was a '63 cello, so--

Would you guys help me find the auditorium?

Would that be all right?

Oh, please.

No, you shouldn't. OK.

Whatever you want.

Hey, man.

You're all right.

Thank you.

To the Devils.

To the Devils.

Well, maybe we can all get together sometime

and have dinner.

Where are you all from?

They're from Hell, darling.

Devils.

Thank you.

It's been really a slice chatting

with the brain trust in there.

I'm gonna go see if the tickets are still good.

Take it easy, Devil.

Hey, you know I'll wear this proudly.

Come on, guys.

Hey, Julie, before you say anything,

I just want you to know that I did not do this on purpose.

I didn't know you were my pick up,

and I wasn't trying to get lost.

You got a couple of box seats for a Schaefer?

Melvin Schaefer, with backstage passes, please.

I was not trying to foul up the evening.

Julie, I'm not trying to get back at you.

I'm trying to get back with you.

Oh, come on, Julie.

Say something.

You know I hate it when you're all hurt, and silent.

Unforgiving.

I wouldn't count on a big tip.

There's nothing here.

What, is that your policy?

People buy the best seats in the house,

and you give them away if they're a few minutes late?

Look, mister, they're on their second encore.

You're more than a little late, OK?

Perfect.

Just perfect.

What a perfect evening.

[laughter]

You know, tonight's the first time I've laughed

sober since I kicked you out.

Don't take it so hard.

It's simple, you just made a horrible mistake.

But it's all right.

It's done a lot of good.

You know, I--

I mean, it motivated me.

I got a job.

I re-examined my whole life, and I'm working in the main room

on Tuesday night.

You are?

Yes.

Well, that's wonderful.

Alan O'Black, you went for it.

You know, and it doesn't matter if you fall on your face,

as long as you give it a shot.

Hey-- you know, if what's happened to us

has built up your confidence, that's fantastic.

Yeah, except I am terrified, and I

need you to be there with me.

Did you move back, Alan?

Steven?

Go back to bed, honey.

You can talk to Alan in the morning.

Then that means he has moved back.

No, I didn't mean that.

I meant you can talk to Alan the next time you see him.

You bet.

What did you just say to him?

Who, me?

No, I just said sleep tight till the morning.

It's late.

You'd better leave.

I'd love to stay.

I'd like you to.

But I don't think--

You know, we could compromise.

We don't have to sleep together.

You could take the sofa. - No.

You know?

Or are you more comfortable on the floor?

You take your coat.

I could be comfortable anywhere here.

Your vest. And take your car.

Take a walk.

To the airport, Brad?

Uh, not quite.

First of all, I have to do one small thing.

Do you know the Sherman Oaks Galleria?

I do. Yes, sir.

Good.

What a pity you're leaving town.

Tonight's my big night.

I'm playing a club called The Laughtrack, in The Main Room.

- Are you nervous? - No, no.

Are you kidding? No.

I'm terrified.

But I'm going to feel better this afternoon, when

I get to go there and rehearse.

Big break, huh?

Yeah.

This is my week.

Things are even looking good with Julie.

I did mention her to you, didn't I?

Well, every time you drove me, yes.

I feel like I know her.

Oh, I'm sorry if it was boring.

No, no.

No, it wasn't boring.

My-- life is about to change too, you know?

Ever since I got out of college, I've been--

I've been working in my family's business.

Carpets.

Carpets.

I hate carpets.

And in half an hour, I'm going to be--

totally free of that.

I'll be free of my family, and I'm

gonna be free of my brothers.

Just going to be free.

Uh, Brad?

You know, the-- the motto of Sunset Limousine

is privacy on wheels, so whatever you're into

is none of my business.

But you're into something, and I just hope

you're not in over your head.

What are you saying?

I'm only saying that when you step out of this limo,

you be careful out there.

Thank you, Alan.

Uh-- I appreciate that.

I really do.

Point is taken.

OK.

When I got through with this, you

can look forward to the biggest tip

you've ever had in your life.

Is this the east entrance?

- This is it. - OK.

Just wait outside, OK? - All right.

If the cops ask me to move, I'll just circle, all right?

- Right. - OK.

Oh--

Good morning, Mr. Coleman.

Good morning.

I'm sure you'll wish to verify the contents of my briefcase,

so should we go somewhere a little less public?

Where?

My car.

Sure.

The money is in the denominations you've requested.

Fine.

That's fine.

As soon as I've checked it, we can go back to my car, and--

What do you mean, your car?

You don't have one with you?

Well, it's just a precaution.

You know, you can't be too careful.

No!

Give me that!

Give me that!

Give me the case!

Gimme!

I remember the first time my girl and I made love, I--

tried for hours to talk her into it,

but she wanted a better reason than please.

Plea-- no, that's Robert Klein's.

I can't say please--

well, excuse me.

That's Steve Martin's.

Shma-- Steve--

Hi, officer. I get the message.

No waiting, right?

I'm moving right now.

Where are you, Bradley?

[groan]

It's not here!

The kid's still got 'em.

Come on, we gotta get back there.

Move it, fast.

Come on, Bradley.

Where are you?

[videogame sounds]

MAN: Now, I know Charlie and those guys are your friends,

but do you know what you're getting into?

I thought you and me were friends.

WOMAN: Yes.

Me and Charlie are friends.

Charlie's in trouble, so I have to help him.

MAN: So you're robbing some guy's safe?

Jessie?

Has Mr. Coleman called you?

Because I've lost him.

Look, all I can tell you is he said he'd be five minutes.

He's been gone an hour.

O'Black, let me ask you a question, huh?

I mean, did he at least settle his account?

Hey, Angel, get a load of this.

Listen, I don't know what you're so sore about.

You've got a case full of money out here

that you're looking at.

It's not enough.

I want it all.

Why'd you hit him so hard?

I had to make it look good, didn't I?

Like he and Coleman got mugged?

That way he's in the clear.

He keeps his job.

We split this thing three ways.

How do you figure the kid's going to get

so smart at the last minute?

I bet he's with the cops now.

Uh-uh.

Neither he nor Reinhammer would want

to go to the police with it.

This transaction wasn't exactly above board.

Hey, did you see this is?

Look at this. - All right.

All right.

All right, all right.

Oh, shut up.

I'm trying to think.

He said he left them in the limo.

Did he get back to it?

I saw it drive away, but the kid wasn't in it.

That means that limo's driving around with our stuff in it.

You've tailed that car before.

What's the name of the company?

Sunset.

Sunset.

Get me the number.

Elmer, how far back can I go?

How far forward with the mic before I run into feedback?

Hey, forget about that.

I'll keep the follow spot on you all the time.

Now, you go on at 8:00.

It should be filled by then.

I hope it's still crowded by 8:30.

You know, that's what I hope.

Hey, I know how you feel.

All on the line.

Make or break.

Tonight's the night you cash in all your dance tickets.

Hey, relax.

You've got nothing to lose.

Only your career.

Well, Elmer, thanks for the reassurance.

No pressure, huh?

[beeping] Oh--

Gotta call the office.

Gotta use the phone.

I'll be right back.

Smart kid.

Don't lose that day job.

Yeah, but--

Jessie, can't you send someone else to go pick him up?

I got a half an hour here, and--

Alan, he insisted it be you.

Now look, you lost him, you pick him up.

All right?

Just a second.

Alan, just remember, you get cash.

Make sure you get cash.

All right. All right, I'll go.

I guess I should.

I have his baggage.

Yeah.

See ya.

Problems?

Yeah.

Uh, Elmer, I'm going to have to wrap things up here.

Alan, you have to rehearse.

I have to pick up Bradley Coleman.

- That guy you lost? - No.

No, no, no, no. He lost me.

Didn't I tell you he was trouble?

I told you he was weird.

And what is he doing in Burbank, at Hernando's Hideaway Motel?

Is this going to take long?

Just keep calm, OK?

Save the panic for tonight.

I'll be there.

Excuse me?

It's supposed to be Alan O'Black.

O, apostrophe, Black.

What kind of name is O'Black?

It's Alan's name!

Hey, you! What are you doing in my club?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-- I'm looking for Alan O'Black?

He said he'd be here?

Oh, he was.

But he left.

Oh my god.

Can I help you?

I'm Julie Preston.

I'm a friend of Alan's.

Oh, right.

Yeah, he talked a lot about you.

I'm Bradley Coleman.

Well, you can't be.

He just went to pick you up.

What are you talking about?

Didn't you just call here just a short while ago,

and ask him to meet you at a motel?

- They must have called. - They?

Who's they?

I-- I left something in Alan's car.

Something that they're after.

You'd better level with me, Bradley.

What are you talking about? Is it money?

Is it drugs? - No, no, no.

Stamps. - Stamps?

Stamps, yes. Stamps.

They included a $0.01 cent black and magenta British Guiana

provisional of 1856, and a 1918 US $0.24

airmail Princeton of the Jenny biplane, printed upside down.

What does all that mean?

Well, it means that they're worth almost a million dollars,

and they would do anything to get their hands on them.

And Alan went to go pick them up?

I know.

I know.

Listen, you stay right there, Bradley!

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Alan O'Black.

Yes!

Thank you very much. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Elmer.

Thank you very, very much, Elmer.

Lovely to be here in the main room.

Alan!

Alan!

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Please, let me get started on the act.

Please, sit down. You too, ma'am.

Sit down. Oh, you are sitting down?

Ha ha. No.

I am Alan O'Black.

Oh, Alan.

It'll be all right, Julie.

Hey, this is an emergency!

Dinga, dinga, dinga!

[car horn] Hey!

Move over!

You idiot!

Yeah, well, you too, buddy!

Oh, Alan--

He's here.

Alan!

What are you doing here, Jules?

Alan, come here.

- What? - Come here!

What is it?

There's some broad out there, talking to him.

Did you find them?

What are you talking about?

Well, he said that they were in the back of the limo.

Hey, hey, hey.

Looks like they're getting into the limo.

Well, get out there!

Come on, come on.

Get this thing moving.

Come on.

Oh, Alan, they're gaining on us.

Yeah, OK.

Well, take your foot off the brake!

Get out of the way.

Oh!

I'm going to go look for the stamps.

Come on!

I found them!

Let me see.

I found them!

So many.

What, are these worth all that money?

These things? - Apparently.

Well, one of them has an upside down airplane, or something.

So he must have been selling these to Reinhammer

when he got jumped.

What do you expect, when you carry

stuff this valuable around?

Alan, we're carrying them around now.

And they're gaining on us. - All right.

We're fine, we're fine We're fine.

I don't see-- I see them.

Throw them out the window.

Give me-- Will you work with me, Julie?

Who are these guys?

Jessie?

Jessie, are you receiving me?

Come in!

Jessie?

Would you do me a favor, please?

Hold on.

Thank you so much.

Yes, Alan?

Alan, how many times do I have to tell you,

it's limo three to base, darling.

All right, limo three to base.

Help!

What's the matter?

You need a tow?

No, I don't need a tow.

I need the cops.

Jessie, there are some very, very

bad people following me, that--

we're being chased.

Well, I don't-- I don't know where I am.

Julie, where are we?

Uh- we just past Arlington.

- Arlington. - Wherever that is.

Wherever that is.

What block?

We just passed an El Taco Fiesta.

The El Taco Fiesta.

Oh, Alan!

Oh, Alan!

Oh, god!

Whoa!

Oh, Alan!

Don't-- Left!

We're OK, we're OK.

We're fine now.

JULIE: Fine?

Alan?

Look at that.

Julie, I got an idea.

Hang on.

JULIE: What-- what are you doing now?

ALAN: We're going to a funeral.

JULIE: But isn't that bad luck?

Don't worry, Julie.

We'll just blend into the crowd.

They'll never notice us.

Never notice us?

There's no exit out.

What?

What are we going to do?

You know something, Julie, we'll be safe here

with all the people around. - Safe?

Alan, these guys are playing for big stakes.

They don't give a damn about innocent bystanders.

Julie, will you just relax?

Be quiet, OK?

Just keep calm, all right?

Let's just-- let's just put our heads

together and figure this out.

What's that?

Oh my god.

Nice going, Alan.

[whistle]

JESSIE: Alan?

Alan? - Oh, shut up.

They've gone.

So has my limo.

Oh--

Did you know him well?

Poor Uncle Fong.

Oh-- oh--

not as-- as well as we'd have wished to.

I did.

We all know the kind of man Fong was.

And it came as no surprise to me that he

didn't show at his own funeral.

Wow.

Hey, look at this, guys.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for the guy that drove Mr. Coleman.

Oh, you mean Alan O'Black.

Yeah, that's a guy.

Boy, is he in a lot of trouble.

Meatball lost his limo.

You know where I can find him?

Sure.

He's playing at a club called The Laughtrack.

He's pursuing his other career.

Which is maybe just as well.

Well, if you see him, wish him good luck.

And then when he's through, tell him he's fired.

Laughtrack, huh?

Yeah.

[laughter]

Hey, it's good to be back to the club tonight.

You know, I've been away for a little while,

and it's just good to be back.

I was planning on having Madame Rosa here tonight.

You know, that famous clairvoyant?

But due to unforeseen circumstances,

she's not going to be able to make it.

Madame Rosa's not the only one who hasn't shown up.

I see we have two of the friends of ours

from the network.

In their suits, and the ties, and everything.

Don't they look cute? Look at 'em.

You know what a network executive is?

That's a guy, or a person that goes to lunch

and tells his secretary, if my boss calls,

be sure to take his name.

Nice to see your smiling faces out there.

I'm glad to be back.

I went home, just for a short visit.

Went to see the wife.

Oh, look at this.

Bradley, how nice of you to catch the act.

Well, I just--

How do you expect me to be funny after what

you've put us through? - I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's a little late for apologizing now.

But you're OK, right?

I mean, they didn't get you?

They didn't get my stamps? - Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You've got some explaining to do, Bradley.

Did you see those stamps?

No, I didn't steal the stamps.

For once in my life, I actually lucked out on something.

My-- my grandfather left them to me in his will.

And then I contacted Reinhammer, because I

knew he was the biggest collector in the country.

So why all the cloak and dagger?

Well, we-- we didn't really want the IRS to know about it.

Well, how did the hoods know about it?

How did they know the stamps were in my car?

I don't know.

I have no idea about that.

I mean, the only person who knew was Mr. Janczyn.

Look, Bradley, I really have to go,

but if I don't see you again--

swell.

Where is he?

Alan, you are unbelievable.

How-- how could you do this to me?

I've been sitting-- I'm holding up the show for-- for hours.

I have an anxiety attack. Is there any milk in here?

Do they give you--

Where's my other shoe?

Where's my other shoe?

You're sitting on it!

It is so unprofessional.

And that-- and I'll tell you--

I'll be quite honest with you, Alan,

I'm worried about our entire future together, you and me.

I won't have a future. Look at me.

Look at the state I'm in!

Where have you been?

Would you believe the Inglewood Crematorium?

Well, I'm sorry.

Who died?

- We could have. - Just calm down.

Calm down.

Put your shoe on.

Just-- just do me a favor, and don't die out there tonight,

all right? - OK.

I'll see you.

Thanks for that.

You know, call me a sentimental old fool, but I--

I really love the guy.

I do.

I really love him. I want him out of here.

I want-- will you tell him to get out?

- I'll help you with the-- - Don't touch-- look at this.

I'm so nervous, my-- my teeth are sticking to--

I can't work.

I'm not.

In case of an accident, which we seriously doubt,

automatically the oxygen mask will fall down.

You place it over your nose and mouth,

as the host is demonstrating for you, and breathe normally.

Alan OK?

He's wired.

He is so wired.

I'm a little worried, to be honest with you.

Dropping 22,000 feet a minute, are

you going to breathe normally?

[grunting] You know, here at The Main Room,

it's always been our policy to look

for new, fresh, inexpensive acts.

I forgot every word.

I don't know what I'm going to do out there.

No, you're gonna be great.

We have a young man, and I mean, he's

really going to knock you out.

Listen, he's making his debut here,

so let's make him feel at home.

Come on, everybody gets together and bring on Alan O'Black!

Yeah!

[applause]

Come on!

I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Appreciate that.

I am Alan O, apostrophe, Black.

Well, I finally made it.

Here I am, playing The Main Room for your amusement-- hopefully.

It's my first time, so be gentle with me.

Thank you very much. Oh.

Sorry.

You know, aside from whether or not you think I'm funny, um--

I think it's a-- a good idea for me, right now, to just-- you

know, show all my cards, and just state

my own personal philosophy.

If I could remember what that is.

I don't think it's fair to judge a human being

on the basis of his race, religion,

class, creed, or color.

You know, we're all created equal.

And there are only two criteria by which

a person should be judged.

Of course.

His birth sign, and the kind of car he drives.

So hi, I'm Alan.

Virgo.

Limo.

I don't get it.

I gotta tell you that my girl and I--

well, we had some problems once upon a time.

She actually threw me out.

And I know what the problem is.

I was too romantic.

I mean, you know, I--

I climbed the highest mountain.

I swam the deepest ocean.

I crossed the hottest desert, and she'd left me.

She claimed I was never home.

[laughter]

[applause]

Is this comedy what they call off the wall?

What Who are you?

Oh.

Bradley Coleman.

Just Bradley is fine.

I'm the cause of all the trouble.

Shh.

ALAN: I just had the feeling, but I just said, what the heck?

You only live once, so I mustered up my courage,

and I walked right over to her, and I said, hello.

Do you mind if we talk?

And she turned around and goes--

[cat noises]

Well, I never saw a woman like-- like this before.

Fortunately, I was--

I was holding some catnip.

And I just held it in my hand, I went-- here,

kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Kitty, kitty.

Her tail went--

I'm so-- Sorry.

Where was I?

Um-- I'm sorry.

Uh-- I'm sorry.

I-- I was thrown for a moment, because I

just caught a glimpse of some late arrivals, and it really--

I gotta tell you, it took my breath away,

ladies and gentlemen, that stars of this magnitude

would come down to the main room to watch.

Can-- can we hear it for Donny and Marie?

Please, let's hit them with the lights, right over here

in the corner.

Julie, look, all the way from Utah.

Isn't that sweet?

How about LAPD? PDQ?

OK, Thank you. Thank you very much.

I'm calling the cops.

Yeah, I-- I'll go with you.

Yo, what are we paying for here, huh?

Certainly not the wine, mister.

Yeah, well, it sure ain't the act, either, pal.

Is that-- excuse me, is that you, mother?

What are you doing here?

You shouldn't be violating your parole.

Somebody take this woman outside and give her a good thrashing.

Thank you.

Oh, OK.

How are the police doing?

We only have-- these guys are coming to repossess my life.

Have nothing to--

Oh.

All right.

You guys want to play hardball?

Come on.

Hey, give the guy a break.

Hey, watch it--

It's a little bizarre.

Listen, this season we're buying bizarre.

True.

Oh, Allen.

Frank Rankin.

This is Chris Lazarus.

How do you do? How do you do?

- Alan, we should talk. - We should.

Excuse me. - Uh, let's have lunch.

How's Thursday?

- Alan, are you OK? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[inaudible] Let's get out of here.

Julie, come on!

Julie!

[zapping]

Come on!

[sirens]

Freeze!

You two, stay where you are!

Want me to wait?

No, it's OK.

I just want to make sure that Julie and Steven are OK.

I'll call you later.

OK.

Listen, thanks for hanging around, Jay.

- Sure. - You get some sleep.

All righty. Who can sleep?

I gotta get to the newspapers.

Huh?

Comic nearly dies laughing.

While the audience laughed hysterically

at rising star Alan O'Black's act last night,

little did they know that he was being

pursued by masked assassins.

It was halfway through the show--

What are you talking about, masked assassins?

I gotta work it out, but it's good.

Listen-- Trust me, huh?

- Yeah. right. - Trust me.

Yeah.

Hey, why don't you just go home and hit the pillow, all right?

I'll speak to you later.

[inaudible]

- Hi. - Hi.

What happened?

I'm-- I had to get back for Steven.

I didn't know where they took you.

I didn't know where to call. - Everything's all right, Julie.

- What happened? - No, no.

Listen, I just-- I had to make some statements,

and go through a lot of paperwork.

That's all. - What about Bradley?

We dropped him off at a hotel.

Do you have any coffee? - Oh, yeah.

Sure.

I need it poured all over my head.

[inaudible].

So this guy, Janczyn, apparently worked for

Reinhammer for over 30 years.

I mean, he made very little money,

and he took a lot of abuse.

He's really not too crazy about his boss,

if you know what I mean.

And when Bradley came in--

you know, he saw his chance to even the score.

So he hired a couple of heavies.

Well then, when Bradley said that he wanted cash,

Janczyn realized that he could steal the stamps,

so he staged a mock up heist.

But then Brad left the stamps in the limo.

You know, everything went haywire.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Alan, where are the stamps?

I mailed them.

You what? When?

When the funeral family dropped us off.

You went to call a cab.

I mailed the stamps.

I wasn't going to walk around with all

that money in my pocket.

Alan, if you licked the stamps,

you will have destroyed their value.

I didn't put them on the envelope.

I put them in the envelope, and I sent them to me.

They should arrive in tomorrow's mail,

and then I'll give them back to Bradley.

What address did you use?

This address.

I do live here, don't I?

Don't I?

I've missed you.

[music playing]