Summer School Teachers (1975) - full transcript

(old engine rattling)

(hillbilly music)

(horn honking)

- What the hell?

- All right, Mama we're here on time.

It's all right. We're here on time, Mama.

Here we are. Come on.

It's all right, come on.

(screaming and yelling)

- Leave her down. Leave her down.

- All right, Mama. She's all right.



Al, Junior, get the trunk of
the their. It's okay, Mama.

(laughing)

- Isn't it great?

- Great? Do chickens have lips?

- I don't know. Do they?

- Oh, Sally.

- I was afraid Max was gonna make me late.

He didn't want to take a bath.

- Hey, Max. Oh, you good baby.

Oh, yeah.
(goat bleats)

- Don't worry about her, Mama.

- You sure you got everything now?

- [Mama] Take good care
of yourselves, dear.

- Oh, forget about taking
good care of yourself.



Just have a good time.

- You know I will.

- I know Sally will.

- Where's all my stuff?

- It's in there.
- Okay.

- Everything's taken care of.

(laughing)

- Denise, would you
keep an eye on my wife?

While I hand her over to

the streets and alleys
in sunny California?

- [Denise] You look so sad, Daddy.

- Your mother gone to
Heaven, and you to go so far.

It's not a thing to make me happy.

- I'm sorry, Daddy but I gotta do this.

- I know.

- I'll call you once a week.

- Oh, that kind of spending
is a sin. Send me a letter.

This is for you.

- What is it?

(horn honking)

- Come on, Denise. Come on.

- I'm gonna meet every star in Hollywood.

- I just want to get a
false teaching contract.

- California's gonna be a snap, girls.

- Like this, T.

(funky music)

- [Manager] Now you girls
will like it here just fine.

We're only five blocks from the school.

And will you just look at
the size of this patio?

- [Denise] Great, I can
do my exercises out here.

- [Manager] Why you bet you can.

I want you to notice that patio floor,

that is real AstroTurf.

- [Conklin] Will it grow corn?

- Note that we have spared

no expenses where the furnishing goes.

Oh my God, we've got the best vinyl

and naugahyde that money can buy.

I might add that my wife,

she makes real nice plastic
floral arrangements.

All the apartments have got a couple.

- I want to meet that tenant.

I bet he's an actor.

- No. No, he's a teacher like you.

- Oh, boo.

- And when I say that this
Summer session is a test period,

I refer not only to your performance,

but to the performance of our planning.

As Sam, our winning coach and
department head would say,

is our team well balanced?

Oh, Mr. Agwin.

- Go right ahead, Adams. I'm early.

- Nonsense, you're just in time

to meet our Midwestern additions.

Miss Conklin is our PE department,

Miss Carter in applied chemistry,

and Miss Hanson in our art department.

Ladies, Mr. Agwin, Chairman
of our school board,

President of The National
Committee of Insurance Agents,

Chairman of the-

- Please, Adams. Just go
ahead with your meeting.

Just ignore me.

- Of course.

Now ladies, one more word of caution.

This is not Iowa.

California students mature
early, much too early.

Let them know you are authority,
and it need be feared.

(coach clapping)

Trial here. That is, of
course, except Mr. Agwin.

- [Conklin] Could we
please have the music off?

- Why can't we have music?
Builds coordination.

- Only if you move with it.

Otherwise, it builds fat behinds.

- So, okay. We'll move.

- You bet you will.

Okay, can I have all you girls

line up over here behind the tires?

(girls laughing)

- Those tires are for the guys.

- They're for coordination.

And like music, they're for everybody.

Now, hand me that radio.

Okay now girls, I want
you to step in and out

of these tires every time you
hear a beat of this music.

(girls laughing)

Now I don't care how you do it.

Just make sure that you move a foot

every time you hear a beat.

- This is silly.

- Oh yeah? Try it.

(girls laughing)

Any of you think you can
do better, you're up.

- Who me?

- Jump to it, who me.

(girls laughing)

Now I see why they sent for me.

- Oh yeah. Can you do it?

- Hold this.

(girls applauding)

Okay. Now what do you girls
got in mind for a Summer sport?

- Baseball.

- And ruin my nails?
Girl, you must be crazy.

- [Girl] Tennis?

- No, I had that last year.

- How about football?

- Football?
- Football.

- Well, right,

California is the only state

where women play competition football.

- Competition?
- Competition?

- Sure, competition.

It's a new time. It's a new age.

Do you know that some of
the biggest scholarships

are athletic scholarships?

And why shouldn't you be able
to compete for them, huh?

Competition football
means flashy uniforms.

It means games, audiences,
glamor, and men.

- Men.
- Men.

(girls laughing)

- So what do you say?

You want a piece of the action?

Or you just want to sit
around and get asses, behinds.

- Why not? It might be fun.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Then football it is.

- Class, class. Good morning.

I'm Miss Carter, your
new chemistry teacher

for the Summer session.

Okay, the basic chemicals
that we'll be using today

you'll find in front of you.

I'll deal with the dangerous chemicals.

You're late, young man.

- [Jeremy] Yeah.

- You'll need a note from the office.

- Can't do.

(students laughing)

- Well then, take a seat and
I'll see you after class.

- Yeah, sure.

- Preferably one that is unoccupied.

- Sure.

- This is empty.

- Your continued obstinate display

I find lacking in amusing attributes.

(students laughing)

- Hey, you gotta talk
so's I can understand.

You can't use fancy
words on us dumb juvies.

(students laughing)

- Excuse me.

I thought you Bohemians
were big on intellect.

- You mean you're up
here from Czechoslovakia?

- Iowa.

- Well, that explains the problem.

(students laughing)

All right, class.

Gotta help the poor little
farm girl from Iowa.

All right, Ma'am. It's
all yours. Go ahead.

We'll be cool. Go ahead.

Come on.

- The Nikon is used by professionals

because of its flexibility and accuracy.

Actually a Nikon can take a lot of abuse.

What kind of lens do you
think was used on that?

- It must've been a macro 'cause look

you can really see the (stammers) sorry.

- Oh no, that's okay.

This is a very common form of art today.

- Art?

- Yes. What would you call it?

- [Student] Some people call it obscene.

- Yeah, like the Supreme Court.

- Wait a minute.

- If I laid this add
on it, is that obscene?

- No, but if you laid this add on it,

then it makes it X-rated.

- Oh, come on you guys.

If you think this is obscene,
then you're not as mature

as your principal gives you credit for.

A woman's lips, her eyes,
her body. Is that obscene?

- Well, no.
- No.

- No, it's all the way you look at it.

A subject can be cute or funny.

Everyone sees things differently.

All right, your assignment.

I want you all to go out and photograph

what you think is obscene.

Now, I'm not gonna grade
you on your opinions,

just the quality of the photographs.

All right?

- All right, sure.

- Okay, class dismissed. Go shoot.

- Hey, far out, lady.
That is really incredible.

You don't have to wrap edge.

You just flaunt your pretty
little bod, and get all

the right reactions from
those little puppy dogs.

That's incredible.

How about dinner tomorrow night?

- Point number one, I
do not flaunt my body.

Point number two, my
students are people not dogs.

Point number three, I think
you're a male chauvinist pig.

And point number four,
I do not date teachers.

- What'd you have in mind for dates,

Big Hollywood movie
stars, rock and rollers?

- Well, of course. That's
why I came to California.

- Well, shit. So long, hot stuff.

- [Denise] I told you to stay.

- Okay, lady.

What's your game?

- My name is Miss Carter. Sit down.

Sit down!

All right, Jeremy.

From the minute you walked in here,

you have tried to make
things difficult for me.

Why?

- Well, Miss Carter, let's just say I have

what the shrinks call a
negative response to authority.

My attitudes are defense
mechanisms against people,

because I can't stand rejection.

- I heard you rich youngsters

got your first analysis
for a birthday present.

- Listen, lady. You're wrong again.

I just spent 16 months
in a juvie farm camp

for some kind of theft bullshit.

They gave us therapy for free.

So I don't need any out of touch do-gooder

on my case trying to play Social Worker.

If you're lucky, I might
make your job easy.

(slap lands)
Okay.

You show promise.

- [Announcer] Today's
special, for one hour only,

real chicken eggs, 69 cents a dozen.

- I'm so sorry. I'm so clumsy.

Aren't you, aren't you?

- Yes, I was. I believe I still am.

You're a very bright bird
to pick me off like that.

You see I'm incognito. I really
don't want anyone to know.

- Oh, course. I know exactly
what incognito means.

And don't you worry, I won't be the word.

Not one word, Mr. Lacey.

- Look, see.

How short our memories are now.

Not a word, okay ducks. Not a word.

- Yes. What a wonderful accent you have.

What part of England are you from?

- Chicago.

- Well.

- You're forgetting your goodies.

- Thank you.

- [John] Charming.

- [Announcer] Simon Wrightwood
finger splitting peas,

purple from the sun,
bargain price today only.

(light hearted music)

(shushing)

Plump, young, tender, juicy
chicken breasts and thighs.

49 cents a pound.

Succulent honeydew dripping
fresh from the vine,

and only 35 cents a pound.

(light hearted music continues)

For you lovers of fresh meat,

brown rump roast to
sizzle on your platter.

(light hearted music continues)

Bonus bananas, extra
large and ready to eat.

A bargain by the bunch
in our fruit department.

And for you all smart shoppers,

extra extra long plump franks.

Strictly kosher with fresh buns to fill.

- You are so sensual.

So purely sexual, get rid of these.

So earthen, so exotic.

- Oh, Mr. Lacey-

- Please, please come and see me again.

Tomorrow night, my apartment for dinner.

- I (stammers)

- My darling, you and I will
make beautiful salad together.

Here my card, my card.

- Okay.
- I love you.

Call me.

Divine entree.

Thing big, my sweet.

- Stupid, it's absolutely stupid.

- Stupid I don't know from, but last year

the girls left my class
to take auto mechanics.

Last year it was grease,
this year it's scabs.

I just don't know.

- Ladies did real well in auto mechanics.

I imagine they can handle football.

- It's unfeminine, to say the least.

Excuse me, Mr. Johns.

But realistically speaking
women, biologically,

well they're very well
suited to play the game.

Flexibility of hips, coordination, grace.

- Women aren't tough enough.

- Just as many women came over
in the same covered wagons,

and walked just as far as you men did.

- You never heard of women
fighting in the front lines.

- That's right, because
they're not that stupid

to stand on the frontline and
get their heads blown off.

- Bull.

- Pucky.

- Pucky, see.

- Please, let's handle
this in a calmer manner.

Miss Conklin, what would be
the expense of such a venture?

- Expense? What about the
expense of my team's morale?

- Don't be so dramatic.

Actually Mr. Adams,
only around 200 dollars.

We'd be more than happy to use

the men's equipment from their department.

The only thing we'd have to buy

is a little extra padding
that the men don't use.

- Mr. Adams, there really isn't
that much unused equipment.

Athletic funds are not to
be squandered, you know.

This is not a private
experimental school, Miss Conklin.

This is a public school
paid for with public funds.

You gotta be realistic.

- Realistic?

Realistic, that's exactly what I'm being.

Mr. Adams, out of all the
schools I considered applying to,

Regency was number one on my list.

Why?

Because you've got a reputation for being

progressive, inventive, and adventuresome.

And realistically speaking,
I know you'd want to be

accredited with being
the number one innovator

of women's football in
this district, right?

- Right.
- What?

- I mean, maybe we should give it a try.

Mr. John's could furnish you
with the necessary equipment.

- Wonderful.

The league's qualifying game
is at the end of August.

- If your team wins.
- Wins?

- I'll consider added women's football

to our school's activities.

- The game is nine weeks away.

I mean, we could qualify. But win?

Yes, win.

Somehow, Mr. Conklin, I
think you'll handle it.

Meeting dismissed.

- Well.

How do I look?

- You look like a red hot
reject from one of my classes.

- She looks great.

- Where are you going, looking like that?

- Fluky's

- What is that?

- It's the local hangout.

It's been brought to my attention

that I don't understand my students.

So I'm going to Fluky's to try.

- The outfit's my idea.

- Oh, that figures.

- Come on, Denise.
Let's go. I'll drop you.

- Okay, I guess I'll go
outside and suck up some smog.

One, two.

One, two. One, two.

- Hey. Hey, Cinderally you're
screwing up the TV reception.

- You should be ashamed of yourself.

I mean look at that stomach,
and with a beer in your hand.

Come on, jump with me.
TV's gonna ruin your shape.

- What shape, huh?

- Exactly. And I bet you're only 50.

- 50? I'm 40.

- Oh, buddy. You need help.

I mean look at that paunch.

- What paunch? What are you talking about?

- Men have heart attacks at 40.

I mean, inactivity has killed

more men your age than any war ever did.

Listen. Save yourself.
Jump with me. Come on.

Come on.

That's it. Jump, man.

That's right, higher.

(screaming)

(groaning in pain)

Don't move.

More damage is done after an
accident. Just don't move.

- Frank, fries, and malt.
Can you wait over there?

Hi. Can I help you?

- Yeah, I'll have a Green River Fizzie.

- Green River Fizz.

Green River Fizzie? Hon, we
got Coke, orange, root beer.

Now what are you gonna have?

- Oh, sure. Coke will be all right.

- Coke.

That'll be 40 cents.

You gonna want a glass?

- Yes, please.

Here.

- Wait for your change, now.

Here you go.

Thanks.

- That's a dynamite
jacket. Where'd you get it?

- My roommate's closet.

- Hey, you really look
like someone at school.

- Who?

- One of the new teachers

- I am.

- All right.

- Hey there, old buddy.

Kind of wondering if you're
gonna be with us or not.

- Why should I be? I ate
the wrap for it last time.

I don't feel like eating
it for any penny ante shit.

- Hey man, things have changed.

- That's right.

Since you've been gone, we've made some,

some pretty big deals and
some pretty big connections.

- It still sounds like bullshit.

- Hey.
- Hey.

(groaning in pain)
(dramatic music)

- Come on, man. Come on, come on.

Come on, he's down.

Let's go, let's go. Come on, man.

Are you all right? Come on, man.

Let's go, let's go, let's
go. Come on, man. Come on.

- Jeremy.

- What the hell are you doing here?

- Having a Coke.

- Hey, this isn't a
time to get passionate.

- This isn't a time to get smart.

Let's get you out of
here and to a hospital.

- I'm all right.

- Come on.

(groaning in pain)

- I'm all right.

- No, you're hurt. Come on.

- Hey, punk.

(glass breaking)

You need a headlight.

Come see me, I'll give you a good deal.

- Give me the keys. Give me the keys.

- Damn kids made me ruin my chili.

(screaming)

- Only one way to cut
a piece of meat, neat.

- What you doing, Frida?

- I'm going to get me a glass.

- What?

- I'm gonna get me a glass.

I'm getting a glass.

- Is he at it again?

- I think so.

I saw a cute little girl go
in there a little while ago.

- This show stinks.

It's about a couple of little old ladies.

- Ain't that awful.

I hope when I get old,
someone will put me away.

- Cut the dramatic crap,
and get me a glass.

- Oh all right, I will.

- Darling.

You put your feet on a seat, my sweet.

And I will take your mind,

and blow it.

Here's your glass, Ethel.

- That's not mine. It's the Pepsi one.

- Oh well, all right.

- Voila. Have you ever seen one this big?

- Why no.

- Isn't it magnificent?

- Listen to him brag.

- Well, maybe it is magnificent.

That's what my late
husband used to call his.

- What did you call it?

- A pain in the ass.

- What do you think?

(mimicing marching music)

Stand by to you have
your cranium exploded.

Here we go.

Ha ha. Ha.

- Wow.

- And now for a little head.

- Delightful.

- We've only just begun, little cockatoo.

- What did he say about having two of?

- Oh, Ethel. He said cockatoo.
The bird, Ethel, the bird.

- Oh, he's giving her the bird.

- May this feast send us both
to the height of ecstasy.

(glass breaking)

- Ecstasy.

- Ecstasy.

- Try that.

Take a big piece.

- You suppose he's hurting her?

- I don't hear her.

- Maybe he's got her dead.

- [John] Just wrap your
lips around this, honey.

(moans)

- I can't stand the silence.

- Oh, John John, your
meat cuts like butter.

- I knew he was a masochist.

- Wait till you taste this.

The only thing better
than my meat is my sauce.

It's a little hot, but it's-

(dishes clattering)

(screaming in pain)

- The battery.

- Oh, my dress. It's ruined.

- I'm sorry. Hey, wait. No,
no. It'll dry overnight.

- No, I've been burned more than once.

- Oh, wait wait.
- She's leaving.

- Come on.

(gasping)

- Oh, misery. And I did
so want to stuff her tart.

- [Jeremy] Glad that's
over with, I tell you.

- [Denise] Yeah.

- I almost hit that third
nurse with the needle.

(Denise laughing)

I guess I owe you an apology.

- Accepted.

Jeremy, what did that guy mean
about a deal and a headline?

- Nothing.

He's just got a bad sense
of humor, that's all.

- Who were they? Why did
they want to fight with you?

- Look, just keep your nose out of it.

There are plenty of people on the streets

you never need to know, okay.

- You mean, I'm all
right for school teacher.

But I'm still not to be trusted.

- Would you die if I kissed you?

You're strange.

- Thank you. (giggles)

- What's so funny?

- Just now, you reminded me of my father.

Dealing with emotions makes
him uncomfortable too.

- Finding it makes my old man drunk.

Good night.
- Good night.

- [Bob] Are you telling
me that John Lacey,

the rock star, is the groping gourmet?

- [Sally] Sort of.

- How's your resistance holding up against

a simple steak with a simple guy?

- Oh do you mean a basic
piece of meat with a retard?

- You don't give an inch, do you?

- Of course not.

You give an inch, the guy
takes two and you find out

he only has three, and
you end up with zero.

Bye.

(whistle blowing)

- Come on, ladies! Move those buns!

Someone block that!

Drive! Drive!

Come on, ladies! Move! Block!

Hit, hit! Come on!

Come on, hit that! Get that ball passing!

- I'm the shit! Just call me OJ.

(whistle blowing)

- Don't anybody move.
- Get off me.

- [Girl] Dee, you've gained weight.

- Pretty rough, huh?

- Rough? Boy.

- Well, they certainly got enthusiasm.

Where there's a will-

- You're right, there's a way.

Somehow I gotta find that
way into the qualifying game.

It's in nine weeks.

- I've got all the
confidence in the world in-

- These girls?

- No, no. No, in you.

- Me? I don't know why, but thank you.

Listen. Do you ever play football?

- No, never did.

- What do you like to do?

- Oh, I guess gather specimens
for my class, mostly.

You know, in fountain, mountain,

fields and streams, things like that.

- A hiker, a hiker.

- No, not exactly a hiker.

- Well, listen, I love to
hike. How about Saturday?

I'll pick you up in town,
we'll have a picnic lunch.

- Yeah. Well, sure.

- Great, it'll be fun. Hey, I like you.

- I like you, I mean.

I guess I better be on my way. Bye.

Bye.
- Bye.

Okay, ladies! (whistle blowing)

Come on everyone, get over
here! Everyone come on!

We are now going to learn the punt.

It's all rhythm, like dancing.

If you're right-handed,

you kick with your right foot.

Therefore you lead off with your left.

- You bastard. You
lousy, thieving bastard.

- Hey, what's going on
here? Arthur, calm down.

- Just get this monkey out of here.

- The bastard stole my
stinking slide ruler.

- That's insane. I didn't steal anything.

That thing was in the work area.

Hell, it's school property anyway.

- Yeah, you thought it
belonged to you, man.

You think everything belongs to you.

And if it doesn't, you just rip it off.

- Just a minute, Arthur.

Arthur, anyone could
have made that mistake.

We were gonna break down and
test gasoline octane today.

So I asked Jeremy to
come in and set it up,

because he already has a
working knowledge of engines.

And I told him that everything he needed

would be on his work bench.

So naturally he assumed

that the slide rule was for him to use.

I think you owe Jeremy an apology.

- I don't owe him shit.

I may have jumped this time.

But they let this
thieving joker run loose,

and things start disappearing around here.

- Damn.

(light hearted music)

- You're going too fast.

Slow down.

- [Boy] I can't, the breaks are gone.

- [Girl] You're gonna get us killed.

(screaming)

(suspenseful music)

(screaming)

(horn honking)

(school bell ringing)

- I didn't take it.

- [Mr. Agwin] Then who did?

- Why don't you go back to
the dudes that tipped you off?

'Cause I've never even seen this stuff.

I don't even, I don't even want that crap.

- Listen, young man.

You've had a bad record from the start.

- Is this a tribunal or what?

- Obviously you don't understand
the seriousness of this.

We have two injured students,
and a mess of irate parents.

- I do understand.

Now, I believe that I am teaching
in a system that believes

that you are innocent until proven guilty.

Proven, Mr. Agwin, not supposed.

- All parts have serial numbers.

We can compare the numbers.

- All that proves is that
these parts are stolen parts.

That doesn't prove who took them.

- Denise, we're all aware of that.

Jeremy, I'm afraid I'm going to have

to suspend you until further notice.

You'd better report to your
parole officer immediately.

- Yes sir, I'll do just that.

Mr. Agwin.

- Oh, what is it?

- Get fucked. Bah!

- Incorrigible little snot.

- Oh, he's merely angry
and with good cause.

You're both unfairly attacking him.

- I find your extreme
interest in the student

shall we say, not quite in
the normal line of duty.

- Mr. Agwin, you are a small
minded, sorry individual.

And since I don't think
you truly understand

what caring is all about,
I'll excuse myself.

(chairs slamming around)

(door slams)
(school bell rings)

(telephone ringing)

- Hello? Oh, hi Hiram.

No, T is out with a friend
gathering biological specimens.

Okay, I'll tell her to
be expecting you then.

All right. Right.

(upbeat music)

- Wow, this is beautiful.

- Yes, it is. Can we rest here?

- Sure, why don't we just eat down there?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- What's this?

- A little liquid for
later. Isn't that nice?

- I'll have to be very careful.
I get drunk really easily.

- What

happens to you when you get drunk?

- I guess you might say I get amorous.

- Oh, nonsense.

- No, I do. No, I really do.

(birds singing)

It's empty, all gone.

- Oh boo.

- It was very good, it was lovely.

You are lovely.

- You're lovely too.

Jeff, you're blushing.

- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.

It's okay, that's nice.

I think that's what makes
you attractive, you know.

- Me, attractive?

- Yeah.

You're not like those typical guys

that have to make up stories
about yourself and girls.

- That's certainly not me.

- You're honest.

- I always try to be honest with people.

- That's what makes you attractive.

- I guess you must be right.

(calm music)

(water splashing)

(gasping and laughing)

(fast paced music)

- [Girl] Stop dragging on my drawers.

(fast paced music continues)

(whistle blowing)

- I'm getting smashed
all up, Miss Conklin.

When we gonna get those helmets

and padding we were promised?

- Sam said he wouldn't have
it together until today.

I'm just worried about what

he's got in mind to get together.

Listen, go hit the showers
with the rest of them. Go on.

- [Boy] Hey Jan, where's
your booby padding?

- [Janice] Listen, you.

If shit was electric, you'd
be a walking powerhouse.

- Hey, not bad tiger.
- Yeah.

- Hey, what's wrong? I didn't do anything.

- I know. I'm just angry.

Everyone thinks our team's a big joke.

- Well, I don't. I think it's great.

Hey, I understand.

- Oh, you do?

- Sure. A man understands football.

- Good. Then you understand
that I can't go out tonight.

- Why?

- It's against training rules.

- Oh, that's silly.

- I thought you understood?

- Well, I understand the game.

But I think it's silly for
you to take it so seriously.

- Silly?

We have a league qualifying
game coming up in eight weeks.

- So what? What's a
league qualifying game?

I mean, there's no money in it for you.

And besides, win or lose, Mr. Johns

is never gonna stand for women's football.

- He has too if we win.
That's the agreement.

And so what if there's no money in it?

There's no money when you play either.

- Are you kidding?

Johns gives every guy who
scores a touchdown 10 bucks.

And when we win every guy
on first string gets a 20.

So you see, sweet thing, our
games are serious business.

Now, what about tonight?

- No. I don't dig just
watching you play football.

I want to play, got it.

I don't want to watch. I want to play.

So if you can't dig it,
Mr. Cool, move over.

'Cause I'm gonna play.

(fast paced music)

- Johns, those girls
really need that stuff.

- Sam, will you call me Sam?

Think of me as a friend.

Good old Sam, the man who's
here to help you if I can.

- Good. Can we start out with
the helmets and the padding?

- Sure.

- All right.

- Here's the helmets.

- What is this?

It's recaps from World War I.

- Yeah, I'm sorry but, that's
the best we have to spare.

- All right, okay okay.

What do you have in the line of padding?

- All in order.

- Don't tell me the classic donated by

a VA hospital 20 years ago, right?

- I'm glad to see you've
got a sense of humor.

- Yeah, I do. But not anymore.

Now what is that box right there?

- That's the boy's new
equipment for the Fall.

- Okay, I need equipment or I need money

from the athletic department, that's that.

- I'm doing the best I can.

- You're doing shit.

- We're cutting the jokes, huh?

- Yeah, we're cutting the whole joke.

That's exactly what this is.

I can have a team, but I
can't have any equipment.

I can initiate women's football,

but only if I can get a
team together in nine weeks

to beat a team that's been
together for two seasons.

I can do this, fine.

But I have to have equipment,
or I have to have $200.

And you can give me that $200.

- Wrong.
- Why?

- Because girls here play
tennis in the Summer.

That's the way it's always been.

So I took that Summer allotment,
and I bought tennis balls.

And I got those rackets restrung.

That's the way it's always been.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- [Caller] Is this Miss Hanson?

- Speaking.

- [Caller] This is Mr. Marino,

from the Dial a Date computer service.

- From where?

- [Caller] I believe you sent
us a questionnaire filled out.

- But I thought I lost it.

I mean, I was supposed
to mail in three dollars,

and that's why I was carrying it.

But I thought that I lost it.

- No, I have it right here.

And I studied it closely
before programming you.

I have a very nice man for
you to meet tomorrow night.

Can I have him pick you up at
eight for a night on the town?

- Well, sure. Yeah.

Yeah, that's great. Wow.

- [Caller] His name is Wallace.

- Wallace.

- [Caller] Yes, tomorrow evening at eight.

Good evening.

- Yeah, goodbye.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Have another one?

- I didn't know you drank.

- I never have, really.

- Why do you want to beer?

You don't want a beer. It's not like you.

- Jeremy, you know, don't you?

- Know what?

- You know who's behind all this?

- You don't think I did it?

- Of course not.

You wouldn't have put
the parts in your locker.

You wouldn't have hit your own school.

And you certainly wouldn't hurt anyone.

That's not like you.

- Why should I tell?

- Jeremy, there has been an accident.

Parents are putting
pressure on the school.

You have a record, and they
need to get off the hook.

Jeremy.

- Why do you care?

Why?

Hey.

Oh, please.

Don't turn away.

I need somebody not to turn away.

♪ Summer school teacher ♪

♪ You are so prudent ♪

♪ Chasing dreams ♪

♪ You're a first grade student ♪

♪ When it comes to life ♪

♪ When it comes to love ♪

♪ School days school days ♪

♪ What am I to do days ♪

♪ Summer's here ♪

♪ Love is near ♪

♪ I taste in your kiss ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ I'm just country girl at heart ♪

♪ With books I'm very smart ♪

♪ But oh love's so much more ♪

♪ Hoping boy ♪

♪ Be gentle with me ♪

♪ I have no degree ♪

♪ In love ♪

♪ Really love ♪

(knocking on door)

- Bob?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Maybe I better try again.

Hi. I'm Robert, your
date for this evening.

- Oh, no you're not.

- Yes I am. The computer
picked me as perfect.

Come on, Sally. Have a heart.

I'll make a deal with you,
I promise I'll show you

everything you think you want to see.

Then I'll show you what
California is really all about.

We won't even call it a date, just a tour.

So come on.

What have you got to lose?

- I don't know.

- And to top it off, I promise

I'll never reveal what
was on that application.

- Oh, that's blackmail.

- Yeah.

(funky music)

(club music)

- Keep on shaking, honey.

Lay it on, baby.

You two go together?

- We're married.

- How long, darling?

- Two years.

- Do you have any children?

- Four kids.

- You looking for some action, darling?

Honey, we got the right thing for you

coming out right now, baby.

You just hang on.

All right, give me a lay down.

Now it's time for the truly
true Miss Brown Sugar,

Miss Jasmine.

One, two, three, four.

(club dance music)
(people shouting)

Honey, you better call your lawyer, fast.

Shake your 40 Ds, girl.

Shake them 40 Ds.

Get on down, Miss Jasmine.

Give them booty, girl.

(club dance music)
(people shouting)

- Let's get out of here.

- Are you sure you don't
want to see the strip show?

- No.

- Now, are you ready to
see my side of California?

- Yes.

- Have you got tomorrow free?

- Yes, anything. Just get me out of here.

I can't handle this place.

(engines revving)

(tribal music)

- [Bob] You're beautiful.

- [Sally] It's all how you see it.

- [Bob] Well, I'd like to see you

amongst a bed of daisies, nude.

- [Sally] I don't know.

- [Bob] You're the one who
said the body's not obscene.

Well?

- [Sally] Okay, you win.

Don't drop me.

(camera clicking)

I don't know what it is about fur

that makes me feel so sexy.

Bob? Do me a favor.

- Sure. I'll do anything for you, baby.

- Pose for me.

- Sure, I'll pose for you.

- Nude?

(laughing)

Why not? Didn't I just pose for you nude?

- Yeah, but it's not the same thing.

- Why not?

- Well because, guys don't
do that sort of thing.

- Well, that all depends
on how you look at it.

- Look, we got better things to do

than sit here and talk about-

- No. You're such a hypocrite.

I mean it's okay for me
to pose nude for you,

but you can't pose nude for me, oh no.

- I knew it.
- Knew what?

- Jeff, I'm telling you.

Sam is paying the boys
off for making touchdowns.

- That's incredible if it's true.

- It is true.

One of my girls told me she
goes with the quarterback.

- Conklin, you can't go
to Mr. Adams with hearsay.

- I don't intend too.

Look Jeff, Sam told me he spent

my $200 on restringing rackets.

- Sounds feasible. I mean,
restringing's expensive.

What's it prove?

- It proves he's a liar.

(shower running)

Janice?

- Yeah?

- Janice, my dear girl.

I'm gonna need a little bit of
help from you and the girls.

- Sure. What's up?

- Well, it's a little matter of exposure.

- Where?

- Let it dry a little more, Roger.

- How do you like it?

- I like the way you think.

- Sally.

I hear Liz Renee's
coming out of retirement.

Want to go see her new fan dance?

- Oh, Bob. And you're so
conservative. Absolutely not.

- Cut it out, Sally.

- Maybe I will.

(contemplative music)

- T, get your tennis shoe off the table.

- Watch it. You're dripping.

- Making out your wedding invitations?

- No, party invitations.

- Ah, dynamite. We need a party.

- Well, actually it's not appropriate

that I decided to put
on a display of my own.

- Speaking of display.

Oh, hi. Sam?

Hi, Terry Conklin.

Listen, do you want to get
together and have a drink?

Oh, I just thought it
would be sort of nice

to get to know each other better.

No, I'm not kidding. (laughing)

Sam, you say the wildest things.

Oh sure, you devil. Bye.

- T? Sam Johns? Are you crazy?

- Sam Johns, he is a pussycat.

Hi. I'll have a malt liquor.

- What kind of drink is that?

I'll have a bourbon and water.

- Does monsieur want a twist?

A twist of lemon in your drink?

- Yeah, sure.

Faggot.

I hate faggots.

- How can you tell if he is one?

- Oh, it's easy. You look at the hands.

See I'm a man. You can tell by me hands.

- Oh, Sam. You just kill me.

Come on, hot stuff.

Let's see if four of these
feet really work. Come on.

Closer, darling.

Oh, Sam.

You have such a strong back.

- [Sam] Yeah, well I'm an athlete.

- Oh, yeah?

Oh, excuse us.

- Excuse yourself, honey.

Its this honky, John, that stepped on me.

- Well actually, it's Johns with an S.

- S, as in sucker.

- I know that smart ass from someplace.

- Oh no, no no no, Sammy.

Don't implicate yourself, doll.

(laughing)

(light hearted music)

(squealing)
(shushing)

- Somebody come here and shine the light.

Not on my face, dummy.
On the floor, the floor.

(voices overlapping)

Hey, I think I found
what we're looking for.

- How do you know?
- How do you know?

- [Janice] Every hear of a $40 jockstrap?

Let's get this xeroxed and
back here before we get caught.

(shushing)

(light hearted piano music)

- Did you hear something?

- I ain't taking my eyes off your cards.

Now count them for me, come on. 10, 20.

- That damn vent.

- It's just a loose flap.
It'll stop in a second.

43, with a gin that's 63.

- [Janice] We got it. Let's go.

- Mail room.

(table clattering)

(erratic music)

- [Girl] Let's get out of here.

(erratic music continues)

(gun firing)

(erratic music continues)

(guns firing)

- Up yours, lady.

- Hey, buddy.

Found these on the dance
floor. Do they belong to you?

- Oh yeah. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Come on, what do you say?

Let's go up to my place, huh?

- Sam, what possibly for?

- Well, I ain't gonna
show you my trophies.

(snoring)

- Sam, you old pussycat.

We've got Sam with his hand
right in the old cookie jar.

I have gotten everything he
spent in his own handwriting.

He has even paid to have a
player's family move into

his district so he could
play on the Regency team.

I mean, I cannot believe it.

- All right, Sherlock.

Would you take these cookies, please?

- Thanks for the invite.

I suppose this means I forgiven?

- Of course.

As a matter of fact.

This whole party is thrown in your honor.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

- Hey, Bob. I didn't know
you had all that under there.

(all laughing)

- Say, I never posed for that.

My honor.

This isn't forgiving people,

you lousy, shifty, sneaky blonde.

- A funny idea.

- And payback's a bitch.

- Obviously.

- Yeah. I'd like to speak
with Miss Carter, please.

- Hello?

- Denise, I got to talk to you.

- Jeremy?

Where are you?

- I'm at home, but listen.

I want you to know you were right.

I do know who those guys were,

and I've decided to do something about it.

If I can talk some sense,

there won't be any more
of these car thefts.

- Jeremy, what are you gonna do?

- I can't talk to you now.
You gotta trust me, okay?

- You realize, of course,
it's your duty to tell us

if he attempts to contact you again.

After all, there's a warrant out now.

And this thing is beyond my authority.

- You don't understand.

Jeremy trusts me.

If he weren't in trouble, he
would've called me by now.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Jeremy is in danger.

(funky music)

(voices overlapping)

- Hey, what's going on?

- We got some naked
pictures of Miss Hanson.

(dramatic music)

- Trash, absolutely trash.

We've never had a
scandal like this before,

and we're not about to start now.

- But-

- Students' minds here are sponges.

And we are responsible
for what gets absorbed.

- But-

- The least we can expect from our staff

is to conduct themselves in a
moral and respectful manner.

- But-

- But what?

- But, I didn't know anything about that.

- Nonsense, these pictures
are obviously posed.

No, you are absolutely suspended.

- Suspended.

- Suspended?

- Suspended?
- Suspended?

- Suspended?
- Suspended?

- I've been suspended.

- Well, it's good to know there's
some justice in the world.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- [James] Hello, Sally?

- Speaking.

- [James] This is James.

- James?

- [James] Yeah, you remember me.

I'm the guy you're gonna marry.

- Oh, James. Yes, of course. I'm sorry.

I've just had a terrible morning.

- [James] It's the afternoon.

- Not out here it isn't.

- [James] What time do you think it is?

- Doomsday. Listen, James-

- No, you listen.

That magazine is in every home in Adilisa.

I was just laughed out of the barbershop

not more than an hour ago.

And I've never been so
humiliated in my whole life.

- Listen, James. Get to the point.

Telephone rates are high.

- [James] The point
is, you and me are off.

(line clicks)

- Make two.

- More bad news?

- Actually, I haven't really
thought about it until now,

but it's really good news.

- Guess who's got more pull than honesty?

- [Bob] Who?

- Sam Johns.

You got a beer? 'Cause
I have been suspended.

- Wow, we're batting 100.

Where's Denise?

(contemplative music)

(chickens clucking)
(ducks quacking)

- [Cy] Jeremy, I don't
understand you, man.

We had a blood contract.

- [Slick] You're wasting your time.

Blood doesn't mean anything to our Jeremy.

- [Cy] Jer, old promises
don't mean nothing no more?

- Remember?

We're supposed to have the
biggest car ring in the country.

Rip off, rebuild, resell. Remember that?

- Yeah, I remember.

You freaks let me cook.

You said no sweat.

But I sweat for 16 months.

And you know what?

The joint is chuck full of
small time punks like you.

Say, you make it through reassembly?

You're still gonna get busted

when you try to sell the things.

You need registration
papers, legal transfers.

You guys are dumb.

- We ain't so dumb, man.

We got us a big man that
does all that for us,

and even arranges the sales.

Agwin said that-

- Slick, you've got to be the dumbest.

- Sorry, man. It just slipped.

- Now you've done it,
you skinny ass greaser.

You keep an eye on him, and
I'm gonna go call Agwin.

- Okay. Okay, man. It just slipped.

- American Auto Insurance?

- Yeah, Mr. Agwin?

- [Agwin] Yes.

- Yeah, this is Cy.

- What the hell are you doing?
I told you never call me.

- Yeah, I know. I know.

Well, things have changed. Jeremy's here.

- [Agwin] What?

- Yeah. He knows the whole scam.

- So what? I've carefully
set him up for the bust.

- Yeah. Well that's before
he knew you were involved.

And Slick, man. He slipped.

- Kill him.

- What? Wait a minute, hold it.

I'm not in this thing for murder now.

- Have Slick do it.

- Yeah, but.

- [Agwin] This is too big.

And you're in it up to your eyeballs.

You do it.

- Slick.

- Yeah?

- The man says, you kill Jeremy.

- That's crazy, man. I can't do that.

- Look, you blew it.

Now you take care of it.

We're going to town.

When we get back, the
job better be finished.

- Oh, man.
- You do it!

Let's go.

(suspenseful music)

(tires squealing)

(metal grinding)

- [Slick] Jeremy.

- Yeah?

- I gotta take a leak.

(gasping for air)

(metal grinding)

(upbeat music)

(horn honking)

- Come on, move over.

- Who is that crazy broad?

(upbeat music)

Is that bitch crazy?

(upbeat music continues)

What is this, a challenge?

Move, for Christ's sake.

(tires squealing)
(metal crunching)

(engines revving hard)
(fast paced music)

(metal crunching)

- [Slick] Hey, man.

Cool it! You almost killed me!

- [Jeremy] Goddamn it.
You're going to the cops.

And you're gonna tell
them all about Agwin.

- [Denise] Agwin?

- [Jeremy] Agwin. Yeah, right.

Slick's gonna tell us all about it.

- [Denise] Jeremy, stop it. Come on.

(grunting)

- Mr. Adams, the misuse of
public school funds is wrong,

any way you look at it.

All Miss Conklin was trying
to do is to prove that.

- Jeff, we all know that
every coach in all the schools

uses this harmless method
to build a winning team.

It's nothing so serious.

But Miss Conklin's methods
are absolutely despicable.

And I find it viscous of
her to try to implicate Sam.

Well, he'd been winning for 10 years.

- So what?

- [Miss Roth] Excuse me, Mr. Adams.

Excuse me, Mr. Adams.

- The game today will decide

whether women's football will continue.

But there will be no
continuing for Miss Conklin.

Why she's been involving students-

- In uncovering 10 years

of the misuse of athletic school funds.

And if you don't want to hear about it,

Mr. Adams, well then I'll
take it to the School Board.

- Young man, are you threatening me?

- You bet your sweet ass.

- Mr. Adams.

- What is it, Miss Roth?

(voices overlapping)

- This was your idea?

- Yeah, well, you know.

- It sure was.

- I thought Sara told me
her coach was a woman?

- Well, a woman did start with the team.

But she's no longer with us.

It was our man, Sam here,

who really put the polish on these girls.

- Whoo!

Little sis, hi.

Get them cold beers together, darling.

Let's get to this here football game.

- Hi ya, Hiram.

- Hi ya, hi ya.

We drove all night just to
get here in time, darling.

Watch yourself.

- No game.

- Watch out for that old
round house. (grunting)

What do you mean, no game? (hiccups)

- Ah, well. We got suspended, you know.

- Oh, come on now Hiram.
Don't be getting upset.

(hiccups)

- Oh, God he gets the hiccups
right 'fore he gets crazy.

Now listen, Hiram. The
men's PE coach was a thief.

He got me kicked out of school,
and he took my team away.

- Well, you're not
gonna let a little thing

like that stop you, are you, honey?

Come on. Let's clear this up right now.

Boys, come on.

- [Junior] Hiram, don't be getting upset.

- Did you see those Amazons out there?

- Yeah. And for what, huh?

- Yeah, now that we're looking good,

and everyone thinks it's a good idea,

old Johns is saying we're his team.

- Oh yeah? Well, forget
that noise. I'm not playing.

(all talking at once)

- Come on girls, let's get
going. We got a game to win.

The boys don't know it,

but they just loaned us
all their new equipment.

(all cheering)

- It is a great occasion
like this that reminds me

that only in America can a
man go as far as he wants.

And only in America can his little woman

goes as far as she wants.

- And she goes pretty far too.

- Today, the progressiveness
of Regency High,

it's faculty, and it's
fine Coach, Mr. Sam Johns,

come to light as our senior
girls will momentarily play

the first female game of
football in this school district.

- Eat a bugger.

(guys laughing)

(high school marching music)

- [Girls] Here we are, the Regents,

the mighty mighty Regents.

Go Regents!

- Hey, hey hey. Wait a second.

- Hey.

Aren't those our new game uniforms?

- Yeah.

- What the hell do you think you're doing?

- I am leading my girls to victory.

- You're suspended.

- Yeah, well. Talk about
with my baby brothers.

Hey, Hiram, he's the one right here.

- Mr. Adams!

- I'm from The Feminist
League, and we feel that

suspending Sally Hansen
is pure discrimination.

- We represent The National
association of Nudists.

There's nothing wrong with
nudity. It builds strong minds.

- It says in paragraph 12, section 7.3211-

- My name's Vic Toole
from the "College Campus."

It's not a smut rag.

(upbeat music)

(all talking at once)

- Please! Let me out of here.

They're all reinstated. Let me out.

(all cheering)

- What we do here today
will go down in history

as a step towards equality
and justice for women.

(whistle blowing)

(high school marching music)

(whistle blowing)

(voices overlapping)

(sirens blaring)

- There he is.

- [Quarterback] 18. Hut one, hut two.

- You puny skunk.

You're gonna tell the
truth or die. (hiccups)

You're a downright liar and a thief.

(punches landing)
(groaning in pain)

- [Guy] Those uniforms, they're ours.

- [Girl] We play too.

Hey you can't hit.

- Hey, you can't hit my daughter.

- That's my Sara.

- [Administrator] Quick,
strike up the band.

(high school marching music)

- It's a frame up, I tell you.

Help, police brutality.

Don't push me, I have lawyers.

(voices overlapping)

(hillbilly music)

- You've been reinstated.

- What has happened to my school?

- Your students have the
United Nations up there.

(hillbilly music continues)

- Whatever happened to the old values?

♪ All that you can do ♪

♪ To make things better for me and you ♪

♪ Do a little more ♪

♪ I said do a little more ♪

♪ And we just might make
it just might make it ♪

♪ We just might make it
just might make it yeah ♪

♪ Ain't it good ain't
it good ain't it good ♪

♪ When you stick out your
hand to help a friend ♪

♪ You think it's gonna
hurt a little bit now ♪

♪ But help again yeah ♪

♪ Help a little more ♪

♪ I said help a little more ♪

♪ And we just might make
it just might make it ♪

♪ Just might make it just might make it ♪

♪ Is friendship worth it ♪

♪ Ain't love worth it ♪

♪ Ain't mankind worth it ♪

♪ Ain't mankind worth it ♪

♪ Do a little more ♪

♪ I said do a little more ♪

♪ And we just might make
it just might make it ♪

♪ We just might make it
just might make it yeah ♪