Summer School (1987) - full transcript

("Happy" by Danny Elfman Playing)

♪ Don't got a pretty girl
who loves me a lot

♪ Don't got an airplane
or a car that's real hot

♪ Don't got a fine pad
or stereo

♪ And I don't do well
at the school

♪ Where I go, go, go, go, go

♪ But I'm happy

♪ I'm happy though the world
is upside down

♪ I'm happy that we made it
through another day

♪ When I pick up the phone
I still remember what to say

♪ I'm happy that my brain
still lives inside my head



♪ Most of all, I think

♪ I'm hap-hap-hap-
hap-hap-happy

♪ Happy that I ain't dead

♪ Oh-ho, uh-huh, I'm happy

♪ Huh!

♪ I read the paper
I saw the news

♪ All those people
out there singin' the blues

♪ They get excited
Why don't they just relax?

♪ All they gotta do
is kick back, kick back

♪ Kick back and be happy

♪ Happy though the whole thing
is ready to blow

♪ I'm happy that we made it
through another day

♪ When I pick up the phone
I still remember what to say

♪ I'm happy that my brain
still lives inside my head



♪ Most of all
I'm hap-hap-hap-hap-hap-happy

♪ That I ain't dead

♪ Mmm-hmm

♪ I ain't dead ♪

SHOOP:
Wondermutt, go get Bob.

(WONDERMUTT BARKS)

Hey, guys!

You all got
your grade cards, right?

Okay.

What have we learned
this year?

Teamwork, sportsmanship,
how your friends look naked.

You'll notice
your grade cards are blank.

Now, who better to evaluate a student's
progress than the student himself?

ALL: Yeah!

Good morning, young people.

Vice Principal Gills has some words
for you. Mr. Gills.

Thank you,
Principal Kelban.

(HISSING)

Well, well.

I suppose
that you all remember

the English skills test
you took last month?

STUDENTS: No.

I had English?

Was that
the dot-to-dot puzzle?

Yeah, that was it, yeah.
No, I don't remember.

I'm not surprised.
All of you failed.

However, in accordance with
the district's new policies

on minimum
academic proficiencies,

you will all have the opportunity
to retake the exam.

Great.
- Oh, joy, I have a boner now.

(WONDERMUTT BARKING)

(BOYS WHISTLING)

Hi.
Hi.

I'm all packed.
Are you ready?

One minute to go.

Your parents have all been notified
that you'll be retested

after completing the mandatory course
in Remedial English.

In summer school.
What?

What? We just finished
a whole semester of school

and we gotta go
to summer school?

You're crazy.
I ain't going to summer school.

My grandmother's
gonna kill me.

ALL: 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15,

14, 13, 12,

11, 10, 9, 8,

7, 6, 5, 4,

3, 2, 1!

(BELL RINGING)

I won! I won!

(GASPING)

I won! I won!

Gills, Kelban,
I did it. I did it.

Look at this puppy.
50,000 big ones.

You know what this means?
No summer school.

Wait a minute,
you gave me your word.

That was the old word.
My new one is "money."

A man of your integrity
would let a mere 50 grand

weaken his commitment
to education?

I have seen lesser men
win millions in the lottery

go right back
to busing tables!

They're frigging morons!

Let me out of here!
Let me out of here!

Don't look at me.
You're in charge of summer school.

May I speak with you
a minute?

Sure,
what can I do for you?

I need you to teach summer school.
Dearadorian just quit.

Didn't he teach
Remedial English?

Well, yes... Winnick!

Musway!

Stop! Stop!

Mary!

I have to talk to you.

Kim, get in the car.

It's okay. I'll meet you at the airport.
I'll get a cab.

Take Wondermutt with you.

(WONDERMUTT BARKING)

Shoop.

All right.

Mr. Shoop. Oh, Mr. Shoop.

Congratulations.
You've been chosen to teach summer school.

Oh, shoot.

If only I'd known sooner.
We're going to Hawaii.

May I remind you, Mr. Shoop,
you're up for tenure.

You want a job next year?

Come on, Mr. Gills.
Look, we got leis on and everything.

You'll be teaching
Remedial English.

Remedial English?
Look, I ain't no English teacher.

See? Double negative.

No, I hand out basketballs,
check for jockstraps.

I'm, like, very challenged.

I'm not a real teacher.
That's all right.

These aren't real students.
They're unmotivated, irresponsible.

Not too bright.

They'll relate to you.
I appreciate that.

No. No, look, the only reason I got into
this whole teaching gig

in the first place
was to get my summers off.

No, I'm afraid
my answer has to be no.

No, thank you?

Bottom line, Mr. Shoop,
you need my recommendation for tenure.

This is blackmail.

We call it school spirit.

Kim.

Have you ever seen
The Wizard of Oz?

Oh, I love that movie.
Yeah. Yeah, me, too.

And my favorite part
is when Dorothy,

she clicks her heels together
three times

and she says,
"There's no place like home.

"There is no place like home."

Oh, Shoop, I understand.

You do?
You're not disappointed?

No. I'll just go by myself.

What, alone?
I'll make friends.

Look, Kim, if you love me,

I mean, even if you just like me a lot,
you won't do this.

Shoop, if I didn't like you, I wouldn't
ask you to drive me to the airport,

now would I, hmm?

Guess not.

You're in room 43.

Files on your students.

A word to the wise,
Mr. Shoop.

Right off the bat, you show 'em
who's in charge. Hmm?

Great.

Who is in charge?

Very cute.

Thanks. So are you.

Oh, you meant...

Jeez, I'm so embarrassed.
But you are cute.

I'm all right.

I'm Robin Bishop.
I teach American History next door.

Hi, Freddy Shoop.
Remedial English, right here.

Everybody just
calls me Shoop.

Okay, Shoop.

Why am I here? Oh, thumbtacks.
Could I borrow some?

Sure. I was just gonna get my
summer bulletin board goin' here.

Jackpot. Whole box.
Here you go, my treat.

But what about
your bulletin board?

Oh, yeah. Give me one.

Remedial English, huh?

I got it easy, I have honor students.
They're here voluntarily.

Can you believe it?
No.

I've seen some of your students.
Very scary.

You must be a good teacher.

Shucks, Robin, I don't know.

Heck, inside every so called
"bad kid" is a good kid

just waiting for someone to reach on down
through the sleaze and the slime,

pick him up
and hose him off.

I mean, who knows,

if we fail
with even one child,

we might be losin'
the next Ted Koppel.

We're the unsung heroes.
We're doin' God's work.

And I notice you're not wearing
a wedding ring.

Yeah, my mother
noticed that, too.

So you're single. In love? Involved?
What's the story here?

The story is that
I've been seeing someone.

But we just started dating, so you do
what you think is right.

Okay.
I better get going.

Well, here,
I'll walk you.

So you're free to see
other people then, huh?

Are you asking me out?

Well, if I was,
would you say yes?

I might.

Well, I might be
asking you out.

Do you like Chinese?
I hate it.

Me, too. I can't stand it.

Wanna go out some time
and not eat Chinese?

I might.

Why don't we talk about that
after school?

I'm in love again.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
The crowd goes mild.

Hey, wow.
Kevin?

What happened
to football, buddy?

Yeah, man.

I was kicked off the team
for being stupid.

All right,
it's about time.

Congratulations, bud.

Sorry I'm late.

Hey, Mr. Shoop.
Wow. You're in this class, too?

Mmm-mmm.

I'm teachin' it.
No way!

♪ Party all the time!
Party all the time!

♪ My girl likes
to party all the time! ♪

All right.
All right, have a seat.

Let's see who
the lucky winners are.

Larry Kazimias.
Where's Larry?

Shh.

He's nocturnal.

Oh, okay.

Try and keep it down.
Francis Gremp?

Don't ever call me that.
The name is Chainsaw.

As in Black & Decker?
As in Texas Massacre.

Oh, yeah, that's in here.

It's in there.

They got files on us.
Pam House.

Says here
you lack concentration.

Pam?

Hmm?

(STUDENTS SNICKERING)

Never mind.

Jerome Watkins.

Computer said
I failed that test.

The computer made an error.

I recommend this time,
I pass.

You're gonna do well,
Jerome. I can feel it.

Alan Eakian.
Present, sir.

Four brothers, two sisters,
all straight-A students.

What are you doing here?

I assume there was some sort of
a baby mix-up at the hospital.

Rhonda Altobello.
- Here.

You went from C's to F's.
What happened?

Any other questions?
No.

Denise Green.

What's that file
say about me?

Whatever it says, it's a lie.

You wanna know something about me,
ask me. I'm right here.

What you want to know?

Where are my car keys?
- How would I know?

What, does that thing say
I'm a thief, too?

All right,
where are my car keys?

Chainsaw?

They're somewhere
in this room.

Right now you're very cold.

You're really cold.
I want those keys.

Oh, God, you're freezing.

Okay. Okay, I'm a fun guy.
I'll play along.

Getting warmer.

DAVE: You are getting
hot, man.

Oh, I see smoke.
- You are on fire!

Oh, you're walking on the sun!
Ouch! Oh, wait! Wait!

My mistake, I forgot where I put them.
You're ice-cold, dude.

(BOYS LAUGHING)

Come on, enough of this shit.

Ooh! Now does that mean
we can swear in class?

Shit, yes!

Hey, watch
your fucking language!

DAVE: Watch your language,
fartface!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Where are
my frigging car keys?

There's the dick-brain
that knows.

If I knew anything,
would I be in this butthole class?

Suck my loggerhead.

Damn it!

Jizzumhead!

Jizzumhead. Yeah, good one.

One of my all-time faves.

Psychology.

You give a child the license to swear,
they lose all interest in it.

I certainly did.
I think you're full of bull.

It's okay, you can say
"bullshit" in here.

I'm grateful.

Mr. Shoop, I'm sure you're aware
that I'm teaching next door.

And this swearing-bee
is getting a little loud.

Do you think you could concentrate on some
obscene gestures for a while?

Yes! Yes, that's the idea.

(BOYS WHOOPING)

Thank you.

I don't think she likes you.

I want my car keys.

I'm using the lavatory.

Hey!

This is worse
than a gas station.

Yeah, I think
I have to go, too, Mr. Shoop.

Wait a minute.
Hey, wait a... My keys.

Attaboy, Mr. Shoop.

Hey. Hey!

Okay, I'm calling roll
and then I'm gonna...

Where's my roll sheet?

It's somewhere in this room.

Hey. Sorry about the noise.

I'm really a gym teacher.
I don't belong in a classroom.

Apology accepted.

See you later.

Let's start all over.
Hi, I'm Freddy Shoop.

Look, Freddy, you're a semi-charming guy
and a real snappy dresser.

You're just not the kind of guy
I date anymore.

Yeah? What kind of guy
are you dating now?

Oh, the kind
who wears socks.

I got a pair somewhere.

White ones. So about dinner,

you like Italian? Mexican?
Hey, maybe you'd rather cook.

I'm not having
dinner with you.

Okay, lunch.
Robin.

Excuse me just one second.

Uh, Robin, about tonight,
the concert starts about 8:00.

So I thought we'd go to the beach
and have a picnic.

Watch the sunset.
Sounds wonderful.

Oh, bye-bye, Freddy.

I'll be darned.
You're a heterosexual.

And a damned good one.

Good luck, honey.
Thanks, Mom.

Okay, start her up.

Uh...

Make a right, please.

DAVE: These photos suck.

Weddings, graduations.

Hoffman came in.
Yeah.

Ooh! It's more of
the redhead with the tattoo.

This time he's got her making breakfast
stark raving naked.

Oh, Hoffman, you're so sick.

Check out this composition.

Round English muffin, square butter,
triangular bush.

The man is an artist.

Reprints.
Reprints.

Hi, I'd like to sign up
for Lamaze classes.

Okay, how are Tuesday nights
for you and your coach?

Perfect,
but I don't have a coach.

Well, what about the father?

Well, you see,
that's sort of confusing.

It's either David Lee Roth,
who's on tour, or Sean Penn.

And I'd really hate
to upset Madonna.

Fill this out.

Okay. How far
did we get yesterday?

KEVIN: Uh, you took roll.

Right. That shouldn't take
as long today.

(WAVES CRASHING)

SHOOP: Pam.

Mr. Shoop, I gotta book.

What? You just got here.

Uh, yeah.

It's a female thing.

Oh, yeah, I understand.

Oh, man, she's going surfing!

I'm sure.

Fuck. This menstruation deal,
it's such a scam.

Girls are so lucky.

What? Oh, we're so lucky?

You think being on your period is
some picnic in the park?

Are you crazy?

One, you get all PMSed-out,

there's no room in your purse
for no hairbrush

'cause you got these
damn minipads.

You are so ignorant!

(CLEARING THROAT)

What can I say? This whole class
is jammed with ignorance.

Yes, it is.
Come in here, please.

Mr. Shoop, this is our new
foreign exchange student,

Anna-Maria Mazarelli.
Anna-Maria is from Milan, Italy.

She would like to,
uh, brush up on her English skills

before the fall semester
begins.

Well, I guess I'll let you return
to your rigorous pursuit

of academic excellence.

Please.

Anna-Maria,
welcome to America.

You can sit
wherever you want.

BOYS: You looking for a seat?

Well, now, this desk
appears to be unoccupied.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Okay, let's see
what we got here.

"Rules of grammar.

"Writing paragraphs."

God, I hate this stuff.

"Book reports."

Anybody wanna get out of here?
Go to the library?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Let's go.

I am Chainsaw.

Hi, Chainsaw.

Hi, I'm Dave.
Ciao.

DAVE: Well, we love Italy.
CHAINSAW: Yeah.

The pizza.
Mussolini.

And Tony Bennett.
The Mafia.

Yeah. Chef Boyardee.

Pinocchio.
Fellatio.

Oh, I don't like that.

Well, have you ever tried it?
Sure.

Chef Boyardee,
spaghetti in a can. It's so mushy.

Anna-Maria?
Si.

Have you seen the movie, uh,
Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

No. It is good?

Oh, I gotta tell you,
I love this film.

It had passion
and a plucky spirit.

And the characters
had integrity.

Like when Leatherface
went on a strict diet of human flesh.

He had to cut out
chicken and fish completely.

Dave, I agree with you.
I'll go a step further.

Sure, Leatherface,
he wore a mask made out of human skin,

and he hung people on meat hooks,
but, hey, we've all got quirks.

I've got 'em.
You've got 'em, Dave.

That's what makes this character
so, so compelling.

Thumbs up from me.
- Same here.

To sum it up, I'm Chainsaw.
- I'm Dave.

We'll see you...
- [BOTH] At the movies.

Okay.

Let's go, people.

I found 'em at Winchell's.

Here, we all chipped in.

Hey, jelly. I'm touched.

This one was in the parking lot
with a surfboard.

This is so humiliating.

Pam.

You know, I grew up
surfin' those same waves.

Today was phenom.

Three to four, breakin' out of the south,
glassy, light offshore breeze.

You had to go for the ditch.

Thanks.

You're very spiritual.

But the rest of
you clowns...

Hey, I gotta say somethin'.
This whole thing is a joke.

There's a very valid reason
for summer vacation.

The human brain needs rest.

Yeah. I mean,
what are we doing here?

Really. I don't
wanna be here.

Hey, look,
this wasn't my idea.

I know you guys aren't exactly
fired up about English

and I wouldn't know
what to do if you were.

But we're stuck here.
We're trapped like rats.

Anybody got any ideas?

Mmm.

Why don't we take
some field trips?

Can we do that?
Sure, yeah. I, uh...

I got permission slips
right here.

Okay, take these home, have
your mom or dad sign 'em.

As soon as I get them back,
I'll see what I can do.

BOY: Done.
GIRL: Same here.

Good.

("Get An Education" by Billy Burnette Playing)

♪ I'm looking out the window
waiting on the bell to ring

♪ Oh, you know, you know
we haven't learned a thing

♪ I see my education
going on down the drain

♪ 'Cause I been learning
how to party

♪ It's a learning experience

♪ I've been learning how to party
It's a learning experience

♪ My folks keep telling me
"Boy, you ain't got no sense

♪ "You gotta get an education

♪ "Get an education

♪ "Find some motivation

♪ "Get an education

♪ "If you wanna go far
it don't matter who you are

♪ "If you get an education" ♪

(ALL SCREAMING)

The Screwdriver was
an utter disappointment.

I was hoping for a headache
or pounding temples,

a blackout, anything, but, you know,
I feel fine.

Actually, my headache is gone.
I give it thumbs down.

Dave, I'm surprised. I found the
Screwdriver simply delightful.

Fast corners.
That third loop was a nice surprise.

The line moved fast.

Is he okay?

No, Anna-Maria, it appears
that he's vomiting.

(RETCHING)

That's a sure sign of a good ride.
Thumbs up.

CHAINSAW: Eakian,
what did you eat?

(GOATS BLEATING)

(COWS MOOING)

Don't be a pig. No.

Hey! Hey, you slime.

Stones's first farewell tour, '69.
Get out of here.

Oh, wait.
He ripped my T-shirt.

Oh, I can sew that.

It's not necessary.
Go away!

Nothing's necessary.
I want to.

Great, I'll let you.

Get them off! Get them off!
Get them off me!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

The bunnies from Hell!

Oh, God!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Get away from me!

Oh, dear!

Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.

Thank you very, very much.

What is this? It's a lie.

We did this for you, Anna-Maria.
- How did you like it?

It's disgusting!

I love it. Wow.

What is that?
Oh, it's foam latex.

Keep it.

You guys.

Next field trip,
it's gotta be at the beach.

We gotta see Anna-Maria in a bikini.
It's very important.

I understand.

("My Babe" by The Fabulous Thunderbird's Playing)

♪ My babe

♪ My babe, my babe, my babe
She comin' back home

♪ Yes, my babe
She comin' back home to me

♪ You see

♪ My baby comin' back
She's comin' back home to me ♪

Whoa, girl,
this ain't the Riviera.

Oh, thank you.

(SIGHING)

That was...
That was...

That was...
That was cruel.

(MUMBLING) That was...
You okay?

Huh?

(WONDERMUTT BARKING)

PHIL: Come in.
Come in, Mrs. Eakian.

Now, how can I help you?

Yesterday Alan came home
nauseous, sneezing,

wheezing and itching,
with goat hairs on his clothes.

He said he was at the museum,
but I found this in his pocket.

Grandma.

Is going on throw-up rides
and rubbing barnyard animals

your idea
of quality education?

Grandma.
Certainly not.

We'll talk to Mr. Shoop
about this right now.

I may have used
poor judgment.

You actually used judgment.

My God, do you realize

that if anything had happened
to these kids, the lawsuits?

You could've bankrupted
the entire district!

And messed up your chances
of being elected to the state assembly?

Yes!

Don't wet your pants.
Watch this.

All you had to do
was baby-sit some social deviants.

Some of those deviants
are great kids.

I'm sure they'll grow up
to be wonderful criminals.

They're as smart
as you and me.

You and I.

All of us.

You're suspended until Kelban returns
and officially fires you.

What?

Hey, this is your fault.
You knew I couldn't teach.

Goodbye, Mr. Shoop.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Gills, what if I become
a model teacher?

This is gonna be fun. Okay.

You get every kid left in your class
to pass that skills test

and I'll forget
about your field trips.

Done.

They all have to pass?
It's called teaching.

Of course, if you don't know
how to do that,

then I guess you don't deserve tenure,
do you?

I'll teach.

Morning, class.

(STUDENTS WHISTLING)

CHAINSAW: Nice tie!
BOY: Mr. Shoop!

BOY 1: Oh, baby.

Mr. Shoop, what's with the threads, man?
You getting married?

No, must be laundry day.
Nothing else was clean, right?

Are you going to a funeral?
- Could we come?

Please take your seats.

Where should we take 'em?
Where should we take 'em?

Sit down, Francis.

From this moment forth, you people
eat English, sleep English.

You are English.

Oh, then pass the crumpets,
old boy.

I'm not kiddin' around.

Anyone not interested in passing
that exam can leave right now.

The guy's been pretty cool.

He called me Francis.

Hasta luego.
Placido Domingo.

Chainsaw, Dave, wait a minute.

Look, Gills is havin' a cow
about our field trips.

Unless you guys all pass that test,
my job is Memorex.

Anybody got any ideas here?

Get yourself some want ads.

I don't care what your files say.
You guys are not that dumb.

Actually, Mr. Shoop, those files are
usually right on the money.

You all feel that way?
I do.

I may as well go home.
Mr. Shoop?

Look, we don't want you
to lose your job.

But think about
what you're asking.

You want us to study?

The thought
did cross my mind.

Well, what's in it for us?
What do we get out of it?

Literacy.

I'm sorry, that's...

I'd like to help.
What can I do?

Give me your car.

And your house.
And your dog.

See you.
ALAN: Wait, wait, wait! Mr. Shoop, wait!

There's room here
to negotiate.

What if you granted
each one of us one wish?

What do you mean, "wish"?

You know, like a favor.

Does anybody need anything?

I need somebody to work out with,
in case I get back on the team.

I could use a Lamaze coach.

I need some driving lessons.
Bad.

Okay, there's two of us.
Therefore, we get two.

All right. One, a party, your house,
Fourth of July weekend.

In Anna-Maria's honor.

Number two, you arrange a
screening, in class,

of the greatest movie
ever made.

The 1973 Tobe Hooper classic
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

That is also
in Anna-Maria's honor.

Thank you.

Now, then, is there anything
that you desire?

Oh, I don't deserve a wish.
I don't take the test anyway.

God, she is so honest.
We'll take hers.

Chauffeur service for Dave and I,
every day, to and from work.

Pam, what's your wish?

I'll tell Mr. Shoop
when the time is right.

(GIGGLING)

Larry?

Larry, what do you want?

Bed.

He wants a bed.

As for myself, I just wanna be invited
to the party.

We'll see.
Good enough.

I think these are
fair and reasonable requests.

In return, we'll show up,
we'll pay attention

and we'll even do
a little homework.

Is this contract
acceptable to labor?

No doubt.

Yeah.
Does management agree?

You sure I'm management?

For our purposes here, yes.

Do we have
a binding agreement?

We got somethin'.
All right.

All right.
Well, we put that baby to bed.

Let's do lunch.
I always wanted to say that.

Well, go ahead. Teach.

Right.

Teach.

Don't anybody move.

The Non-Proliferation Treaty.
Beagman?

Excuse me, Miss Bishop.

Mr. Shoop.

Shouldn't you be planning
a field trip to 7-Eleven?

I really need your help.
I know how you feel about me,

but something really bizarre
has happened to my kids.

Please.
All right.

If I get next door and there's
a candlelight dinner,

I'm calling security.

Continue.
BOY: The 1970 Seabed Treaty.

Do you own that suit?

ROBIN: What did you do,
pass out Valiums?

Mmm-mmm.
This is a natural lull.

Interesting phenomenon.
What do you want from me?

How do you teach?

If you're serious,
I'll help you.

Great.

Meet me after school.
We'll make plans for the weekend.

For the weekend?

Big guy. Okay.

(BOY WHISTLING)

The easiest thing for you to do
is just base your lesson plans

on the students'
own experiences.

I can do that.

Your life is
probably very similar.

Hardly. I'm tellin' you,
you gotta try these Pop-Tarts.

No, thanks.

I'm sticking
with the Chocodiles.

Anyway, the best teachers

are the teachers who entertain
while they teach.

So you should do just fine.

You think I'm entertaining?

To children.

I gotta go. Your time's up.

I know why you're helping me.

Professional courtesy.
- No. You like me.

No, I don't.
Yes, you do.

No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.

Do not.
Do, too.

Don't either.
Come on.

Don't you like me
just a little bit?

No.

Not even that much?
I like you that much.

It's a start.

Now, someone tell me why learning
how to write is so critical.

It's a form of communication.

Amen. And it can
get you free stuff.

Free?
Free.

I'm writin' the word "free."

Here's how it works. All of us have
been ripped off, right?

Pay phone steals your money,
not enough cheese on your pizza.

My shades keep falling apart.
- Perfect.

Now, you're gonna write
that company a letter.

And you're gonna see action
if your letter is clearly written

and your letter threatens
to hurt their business.

And is signed,
forgive me, Chainsaw,

"Mr. Francis Gremp, President,
Consumer Against Faulty Eyewear."

You want me to lie? Okay.

Now, anyone interested
in learning the correct form,

please turn to page 46
in your textbook.

This shit works.

Damn!

Stupid son of a...

Maybe I'm not cut out
to be a linebacker.

No, look, you're lookin'
at my shoulders.

Don't. Focus on my waist.
Okay? My waist.

All right, try it again.
Go on.

That's good.
Remember, I'm your teacher.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

You wanna learn how to surf?

(SIGHS)

Are you sure
you wanna do this?

Absolutely.

Lamaze class,
great place to meet girls.

Okay, Denise, slide over.

Oh, no, no, no.

Is this some kind of
sick, twisted joke?

No, I'm combining Denise's driving lesson
with your ride to the beach.

Come on. Get in.

We took driver training
with Denise. Call us a cab.

Get your grisly butts
in the car.

Man, let me drive. I'm going for
my license next week.

Chainsaw,
you've been drinking.

No, it's cough medicine.

Check out this phlegm.

Save the phlegm.
You're not driving anywhere.

I'll tell you somethin',
and this is fact.

You know why so many drunk
drivers get in wrecks?

Because they don't
learn to drive drunk.

Fact,
alcohol kills brain cells.

You lose one more,
you're a talking monkey.

Come on, get in.

Come on!

Okay, Denise, start her up.

Signal left. Pull on out.

Can I call my folks
and say I won't be home ever?

I'm not used to this car.

I think it's safe.

Move it out.

Nice and smooth.
Oh, yeah, that's...

Fine. Good.

Why did you do that?

A car was comin'.

Well, it'll happen
from time to time.

Come on, Denise,
he won't bother us.

We just got lapped
by an old lady with a walker.

See that space between those cars?
- Yeah.

Pull in.
You mean parallel park?

Shoot, that's my weak spot.

Listen to her.

Okay.

I'm sober now.
That's good for today.

We live!
We live!

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

It's beautiful.

Enough safe and sane.
It's time for dumb and dangerous.

These are Mexican.
You do not know what's in these babies.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO)

GIRL: Hey, get me a brew.

GIRL: Coming through.

Anna-Maria,
as far as we know,

this has never,
ever been attempted.

Anna-Maria, we dedicate
these cantaloupe to you.

You make fruit bombs for me?
Oh, how sweet.

Melon balls, comin' up!

We're gonna
make these babies fly!

(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Larry, you're awake.
I wanna talk about school.

Not now, babe, I'm late.
Late for what?

What's it like
being pregnant?

Bizarre.

Yeah, that's
what I thought.

My body is out of control,
and it's big and ugly.

I think you look great.
Sure, in the dark.

How much longer?

About five weeks.

It's gonna be amazing.

Yeah, I know.

You'll be a mother.

Yeah.

Eakian, this party's
gettin' weak.

Do something wild.
Take all your clothes off.

Why? You want everyone
to go home?

You're almost fun tonight.

(COUGHING)

(RETCHING)

Almost.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

You all right?
Yeah. Come on in.

I'm just restin' up.
Too much fun.

It's all sewn.

Hey, thanks. That's great.

I feel so at home here.

Yeah, me, too.

Yeah.

The grunion
are running tonight.

In the dead of night,
under a full moon,

thousands of horny little fish
swim hundreds of miles

to ball their brains out
in the sand.

It's so romantic.

You ever do that
with one of your students?

No. I swim hundreds of miles,
I'm ready for a nap.

(PAM LAUGHING)

Who's that?

Oh, it's Kim.
She's sort of my girlfriend.

"Sort of"?
- Well, she's in Hawaii.

So you're all alone
and you like young girls.

Kim's not that young.
She's 21.

I'm 16. And you should
consider that.

Because there's, like, no difference
between 21 and 16 now,

but when she's 66,
I'll only be 61.

And I'll be 75
and it won't matter anyway.

Yeah.

(PAM SIGHS)

Come on, Pam.
Time for more fun.

(WONDERMUTT BARKING)
Wondermutt!

(SIGHS)

(ANIMAL PLAYING ON STEREO)

Out of my way!

Watch your ass, folks!
Banzai!

Oh, shit. Fire!

(SCREAMING)

Do something!

Jesus Christ,
my couch is on fire!

Come on, Dave.

What? What? What?

DAVE: All right,
we took care of it.

My fish!

How many were there?
- One.

Poor fishy.

You gotta get rid of that couch.
That is a definite fire hazard.

Definitely.
Party's over.

Oh, come on. It was just getting good.
We got a fire...

Good night!

One little fire.

BOY: Big deal.

Minors drinking on the beach.

Seriously, we never do this.

Boy, never, ever.

There's our English teacher,
let's ask him.

Mr. Shoop, sir, could you come
here just a moment, please?

Hey, guys.
- Hi.

What's up?

Found these boys
in possession of alcohol.

That alcohol, Officer?
Oh, that's not theirs.

No? Whose is it?

It's mine.

See, I... I live in that house
right there

and they were
just watching my stuff.

That's right.
It's... It's his.

We should never have taken
those little baby sips.

That was wrong.
God, so very, very wrong.

I think they learned
one hell of a lesson, Officer.

Next time you boys encounter
an alcoholic beverage

I hope you remember
you're underage.

Yes, sir, we will.
Yeah, of course, thank...

Thank you.

Well, we're off to do our homework.
- Yeah.

All right. Thank you, Officer. Bye.
- Thank you.

Oh, we should never
have tried this.

It was a mistake.

That was bad.
We should've just said no.

You guys are good men.
Thank you.

Thank you.

You're under arrest for contributing
to the delinquency of a minor.

What? Officer, that's not
really my vodka.

Is that your dog?
Yeah.

No dogs on the beach,
$50 fine.

Let's go.
He's not really my dog.

He just thinks he's my dog.
No, really, he's a neighborhood dog.

He just hangs out at my place

'cause there's more garbage there
than any place else.

He's a scavenger. He'll eat anything.
He's a beach dog, really.

Go away, beach dog.

Uh, do you have a cell
for beginners?

Boogie boy.
Come on, bunk in here.

Moondoggie.
MAN: Yeah.

(MEN LAUGHING)

Who wants gum?

(RINGING)

ROBIN ON RECORDING:
Please leave your message
after the beep.

Robin, it's your pal, Shoop.

I can't leave my number
'cause I'm downtown in jail.

Jail?
What, you're surprised?

I got arrested
in my swim trunks,

so I need 50 bucks
and a pair of shoes.

It's a long story.

Listen, Robin, uh,
please don't mention this

to that bite-in-the-ass Gills.

You're an angel. Dinner, dancing, Paris,
you name it...

Hello, Mr. Shoop.

Who is this?
It's the bite-in-the-ass.

When I say "bite-in-the-ass,"
I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Can I talk to Robin, please?

I'm afraid Robin and I
are on our way out of town.

But don't worry,
we'll be right over.

He's still
a human being, Phillip.

Robin, we have a very long
drive ahead of us.

If we go downtown now,
we'll be stuck in all that traffic.

And that's okay with me,

because then we'll be helping
our good friend, Mr. Shoop,

and you won't think
I'm a shit. Right?

Am I in really big trouble?

A teacher arrested for contributing to
the delinquency of minors?

You're not a hero.

What is this?

I made a new friend.

Mr. Shoop, I do hope

that we can get you out
of this ugly, little mess.

And it is ugly.

You know, Mr. Shoop's
been making a lot of progress

in his class, Phillip.

It's true.
I've been handin' out assignments

and the kids turn them in
and everything.

It's almost
like school in there.

I've heard. And I'm proud.

Confirms all my instincts
about him. He's my boy.

Robin, let's get out of here.

We're on our way
to Wine Country.

You kids, uh, have fun.

See those waves,
Wondermutt?

They're from Hawaii.

Kim's in Hawaii.

Robin's in the Wine Country.

You know what we need?
I mean, besides bread.

We need a woman who will appreciate
what we have to offer.

A woman of culture,

intellect.

Shake those buns, baby!

(WOMEN CHEERING)

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

Come on, bring those buns
over here.

Mama's got
some software for you, baby.

Excuse me.
I'm with Playgirl magazine.

Survey me later, will you?
I'm trying to concentrate.

Come on, baby.
Thanks for your time.

(WOMEN APPLAUDING)

Shoot them buns over here.

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Hey!

Hey! Hey, cowboy!
Don't I know you?

Hey, back off, hair bag.
This is ladies' night.

(WOMEN APPLAUDING)

I love him,
I love him, I love him.

Larry!

Mr. Shoop.
What are you doing here?

What am I doin' here?
You do this every night?

Well, we have Mondays off.

Listen, man,
you can't tell anybody, okay?

They think I'm 21.

You were fabulous.
This is from both of us.

I'm in the wrong business.
Yeah, but about school, Larry.

I mean, I think if you could sneak in
a couple hours' sleep,

you'd catch up
with the rest of the class.

Mr. Shoop, man,
think about what you're sayin'.

I mean, if you could be 17 again,
only you knew then what you know now.

Yeah.
Well, I know.

I hate that kid.

"Who we admire most
in the world and why.

"The person we admire most in
the world is makeup artist

"and creature creator
Rick Baker."

"His wonderfully gruesome
slime bladders and slobber tubes

"in American Werewolf in London
won him a richly deserved Oscar.

"That is why we admire makeup
artist and creature creator Rick Baker

"very, very, very,
very, very, very..."

"Very, very, very,
very, very..."

"Very, very, very, very, very,
very, very, very, very, very...

"Very, very, very,
very, very much."

It's 100 words on the nose.
You can count if you want.

"It is not easy to pick
the person I admire most.

"I admire people
for different reasons.

"The way they surf

"or teach English from the heart
or help the homeless.

"To pick one person
is so unfair to everyone else.

"Isn't there enough pain
in the world?"

"Since there's no one
I admire most,

this is about a person
I admire least,

"my ex-boyfriend, Andre.

"If he ever tells you he broke up
with me first, he's a lyin' dog.

"'Cause I definitely told him
to get out of my face first.

"You know how I could tell when he's lying?
His lips move."

I'm serious.

He's so in love with himself,
he ought to be datin' a mirror.

The way he walks around in
them skin-tight leather pants

thinkin' he's Rick James'
little brother or somethin'.

Give the world a break.

Denise, can I have your paper?
Uh, no.

No?
- Well, I had to memorize my essay

due to the fact
that I was mugged

by a gang lookin' for money
and homework.

That happens.

Okay, gang, mark your calendars.
Field trip next Monday.

Where are we going,
cockfights?

Courthouse.

Your teacher was arrested
for giving vodka to some kids.

You and Dave
won't want to miss it.

You went to jail for us?

On roller skates.

Thanks, man.

Mmm-hmm.

Pam?

Hi.

What are you doin' here?

Remember I said I'd tell you my wish
when the time was right?

It's right.

Your wish
is to move in with me?

I'm a great cook.

Uh-huh.

I won't get in your way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know we connect.

Pam, look,
my place is very small.

It's perfect.

Look, Tommy, that's my brother,
he had another kid.

And Angela, she's his wife,

she wants to move the twins
back into Gail's room

and then put Sally in the den,
which means I lose the couch.

Yeah, well, my couch
is real barbecued.

The floor is fine.

Mr. Shoop,
everybody else got their wish.

Okay, Pam.

If I let you stay here,

it's only temporary until you find
another place, okay?

I can stay.

Who are you talking to?

This is Tommy and Angela
and Gail and Sally and Sly

and the twins, Chuck and Bob,
and Tommy, Jr.

Uh, this is Mr. Shoop.

How you doin'?
Pleased to meet you.

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

(SCREAMING)

DAVE: She screams so well.

Oh, don't be a wuss.

Shut up!

Run, run.

Larry! Larry, wake up,
you're missing this.

SHOOP: Larry's not missin' a thing.
Let him sleep.

GIRL: There he is.

Leatherface. Leatherface.
Leatherface.

(HORN BLARING)
BOY: Oh, no!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING
IN DISGUST)

CHAINSAW:
That's not a real person. It's a stuntman.

Okay, now, this.

This right here isn't gonna bother him
because he's insane, okay?

(CHAINSAW WHIRRING)

Good Lord.

BOY 1: What are you watching?
CHAINSAW: Do the dance for me, baby.

A new film from the district,
Safe Use of Power Tools.

Special delivery.

I don't want to know
what this is, do I?

No, probably not.

GIRL: Come on.

What a finish,
ladies and gentlemen.

GIRL 1: That was great.

What did you think
of that, Anna-Maria?

God, it was really American.

American, yes.

It's an American masterpiece.

(STUTTERING) It's...
Talk about gutsy endings.

The girl, the girl gets away

and our hero, Leatherface,
he chainsaws his own legs.

Two thumbs up.
Make that four for gore.

Listen up,
I wanna read you somethin'.

"Dear Mr. Francis Gremp,
thank you for informing us

"of your problem with our
Cool Dude sunglasses."

It worked.

"Please accept this assortment of
Cool Dudes with our compliments."

All right, it's Christmas time.
Free glasses.

Are these free?
CHAINSAW: Yes.

SHOOP:
"We know you'll find them well-constructed

"and we hope your organization will see
no need to proceed with the boycott.

"Sincerely, Wayne Appleton,
President, Cool Dude, Inc."

All right,
the power of the pen.

Hey, thanks, Chainsaw.

Hey, Eakian. Eakian. Man, you think you
can help me with my letter?

You know,
make it sound official?

Sure, Denise.

You wanna give it to me?

(BELL RINGING)

Okay, tonight, for homework,

write a review of
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Uh, Rhonda?

Uh, if you're not doing anything
tomorrow night,

I thought maybe
we could do somethin'.

Oh, I have a Lamaze class
tomorrow night.

Do you wanna go with me?

What about Mr. Shoop?

Oh, he won't care.

I mean, if you don't mind
bein' my coach.

I wouldn't mind at all.

Great.

Great.

See you, Eak.

Mr. Shoop.

You should see this,

but you can't let Denise know
I showed you.

Okay?
Okay.

Shoop, this girl's dyslexic.

What are you talkin' about?
That's not in her file.

This is serious.
You gotta get her some help.

How could she get this far
without anybody findin' out?

She slipped
through the system.

What happens when she gets
out in the real world?

Wait a minute!

Is this the same guy that took his
English class to the petting zoo?

How'd you get
those kids to work?

Bribed 'em.

What would it take to get you to
have dinner with me tonight?

That would be very expensive.

I'm having dinner
with Gills.

Big Phil again, huh?

Come on, Robin, be honest.
Isn't he a bite-in-the-ass?

No, he's not a bite-in-the-ass.
He happens to be very

(SLURPING)

articulate,

cultured,

extraordinarily tidy.

Tall, dark and tidy.
That's a magic combination.

You're not in love with him,
are you?

None of your business.

Sure, it is.
No, it isn't.

Yes, it is. You tell me you love him,
I'll stop askin' you out.

How am I gonna tell you I love him
when it's all so new?

I knew it. See, Robin,
he is not the guy for you.

You need an intelligent,
sensitive man who can skate.

Do you know such a guy?

Oh, they're hard to find.

But now that I know what you're
lookin' for, I'll keep my eye out.

Would you?

Lookin' good, Denise.
Good luck.

Sir, you are really
gonna earn your money today.

Francis Gremp?
Call me Chainsaw.

You're up next.
Can you hold on a sec?

Dad's late. He's so irresponsible.
I said, "Dad, 3:00 sharp."

But, no, it's just in one ear,
out the other.

I need your car.

You want to use my car?

I'm under adult supervision.

Chainsaw, you take your test

and you bring my car
right back here to me.

You make me proud to be an American.
Dave, kiss this man.

You, come with me.

No, no, you stay there.
I'll bring the car to you.

Can you back this up? I'm taking a test.
All right? Just move all the way back.

What? What'd I do?
- Don't worry about me.

See those cars on the right?
Go ahead and park in between them.

What do you mean?
You mean parallel park?

Something wrong?
No, nothin'.

Yeah.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

We going on the freeway?

I think we'll just stay
in the neighborhood.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Mr. Gremp, why are you driving
with only one hand?

Oh, this hand's gotta be free
to put around the babes.

What, are you markin' me off
just 'cause I'm doin' that?

Watch the dip!
That dip?

(HORN BLARING)

Hey, you crazy?

Don't you ever, ever yell at the driver!
Do you hear me?

Where are you going?
Back. The test is over.

No way!

That was your fault.

This is bullshit. Come on.

I stayed sober for this.
You can't do this.

Come back, you dumb dildo.
Wait, no, you're not a dildo.

I was joking.
That was a joke.

Come on, be cool.
One more chance?

Wait.

You lost points
for driving too slow

and not accepting
the right of way.

Failed again.
70 is passing.

72.

I passed?
You passed.

I passed!
Oh, I passed! I passed!

Shoop, I passed!

I passed!

I passed! Oh, God,
I passed! Thanks!

I'm proud of you.
Congratulations, Denise.

Oh, man, I couldn't have done it
without you, really.

Now, come on.
You drove the car.

Look, I owe you one,
all right?

Yeah?
Yeah.

Okay. Tell you somethin'
you can do for me.

What?
- Get some help with your reading.

Man.
- Listen, Denise.

What you have is a learning
disorder called dyslexia.

You need to
re-train your brain

to deal with information
in a new way.

There's a specialist
who'll help you after school.

Look, I'm doin' all right.
Yeah, you are.

But you could be doin'
so much better.

But that's up to you.

Hey.

Think about it, okay?
CHAINSAW: Okay, free film.

Free developing.
Come on, what more could you want?

Here.

Look, my dad's a butcher.

You like veal cutlets
from Minnesota? Milk-fed.

(BUZZING)

Hi, honey.
How was your day?

Hectic.

Boy, something smells good.

Mmm. The manicotti.

Perfect timing. Why don't you start
on the cheese and crackers?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Yeah. It's open.

ROBIN: Hi.
Hey.

I just brought this
Ray Bradbury book.

Maybe I should
come back later.

Why?

Hi, Miss Bishop.
Hi.

Oh, um, Robin, Pam House,
one of my students.

Pam, Robin Bishop.

Hi.
Hi, Pam.

Freddy, I really
didn't make enough for three.

If you're planning on
inviting company for dinner,

I wish you'd call and let me know.
- No, he wasn't.

Actually, I just I stopped by
to help him with this lesson.

But we can do that
in the morning.

Oh, morning's much better.

I'll make French toast
for the three of us.

Do you like French toast?

I'll bet she makes
great French toast.

I actually meant
morning at school.

Oh, fine.

It was nice to meet you, Pam.

You, too.

Robin?

I know this
is none of my business,

but what the hell
is goin' on in there?

There's nothin' going on in there.
Remember those bribes?

Well, Pam needed
a place to stay.

How long has she been here?

A couple of days.

Look, my laundry's never smelled so good.
Here, take a whiff.

I'm sure it's April Fresh.

I just hope having a maid

is worth the damage you could do
to that young girl.

See you tomorrow.

All ready.
Great.

Uh, French or Italian?

Uh, French.

I knew it.

Pam, we gotta talk.

Sure. What's up?

I think you are a great girl.

And I think
you're a great guy.

God, this is hard.

Freddy, go ahead.
You can tell me anything.

Okay. You know how,
when you're on your board,

and you see the perfect wave
rollin' in and you think you got it?

Only, somethin' happens
and you don't... don't get it.

I mean, the key
to the whole thing is timing.

If you're even a little out of sync,
you're grim.

You've blown the barrel,
you're seaweed.

But then you look outside

and you see an even more perfect
wave than the first perfect wave

and that's the one you catch.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, I get it.

Surfing metaphors.

You're the perfect wave
and I'm seaweed

and if you want me out of
your house, just say it.

No, no, I'm not
the perfect wave.

And it's not just that
I want you out of my house.

No, you want
me out of your life.

Pam, look, I'm your teacher.

No.

Look, any time one person lets
himself care deeply about another person,

that person runs the risk
of being rejected and destroyed.

I'll go get my things.

No, wait a minute.
Look, you cooked dinner.

It looks beautiful.
Let's sit down, eat.

It's just food.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Okay. I'm gonna
collect your book reports.

Then we are
on our way to court.

Homework, Pam?

You expect me
to relate to the written word

after the hell
you put me through?

Talk about shallow.
I've stepped in deeper puddles.

You're excused.

Mr. Shoop,
don't you want mine?

Larry, you're awake,
with homework.

What's wrong with you?

I got fired.
They found out my real age.

Hey, I didn't say a word.

No, it's all right.
My mom came to a show.

Your mother?
- It was a nightmare.

I mean, before she knew who I was,
she put 5 bucks in my G-string.

And then my Aunt Edna,
she kisses me.

With tongue.
And rips off my mask.

And Mom freaked out.

She made me put on her coat.

I'm sorry.
- You're sorry?

I'm at my sexual peak.

Once a guy hits 18,
it's all downhill.

But it's a lovely ride.

Mr. Shoop, why did you tell
the arresting officers

that the vodka found
in the possession

of Mr. Gremp and Mr. Frazier
belonged to you?

Your Honor, I was trying to keep a
couple of my students out of trouble.

David and Francis
have enough problems as it is.

It's true, Your Honor.

Our lives are a mess.

Guys, don't help.

Where did you young men
obtain the vodka in question?

From Murray.
Who's Murray?

You know Murray.
Everybody knows Murray.

From Murray's Liquor.

Didn't this Murray
ask to see proof of age?

Well, I come off
pretty mature.

Did you show him
proof of age or not?

Yeah, I guess I did.

May I see it, please?

Uh, I'd rather you didn't.

I'd rather I did.

You were a black Marine
in 1968?

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Vietnam.

A war puts a man through
many, many changes.

Young man, the possession
of false identification

and of alcohol by a minor
are serious crimes.

You've just confessed
to both of them.

I didn't mean to.

However, since the arresting officers
let you off with a warning,

I'll probably do the same.

Is this guy bitchin' or what?

Now, Mr. Shoop...

Your Honor?

My name is
Robin Elizabeth Bishop

and I'm also on the faculty
with the defendant.

I submit that this man
went to jail for his students.

Very few teachers ever exhibit
that degree of dedication.

Therefore, Your Honor,
I move that...

Don't move, Miss Bishop.
You're out of order.

And you're also correct.

Mr. Shoop, these charges
will be dropped. Case dismissed.

DAVE: All right!

All right! That's so...

Shoop! Let me
tell you something.

The judge may have bought
that dedicated teacher crap,

but the fact remains
that you covered up,

thereby condoning
student drinking.

I am filing a report
for Kelban with the entire story.

Face it. Those kid's test scores
aren't gonna save you,

because they're losers,
just like you!

Hi.

I was just congratulating
our good friend, Mr. Shoop.

Now, about lunch, sweetheart.

Tell you what, sweetheart,
why don't you go ahead,

order two lunches
and eat them yourself.

One for each face.

SHOOP: Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Okay. Today
we take a practice test.

Pinpoint each
of your weak spots.

Then we work a couple hours after
school to really straighten 'em out.

Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.
Practice tests, extra class time?

That wasn't in the contract.
Eakian, get him.

Hey, the test is in two weeks.
You all need the extra work.

I'm afraid we're gonna need
some extra incentive.

Yeah, like a party
with a band.

I could use some wheels, bad.

And get me a job, man,
doin' strip-o-grams.

I don't believe this greed.

Believe it, man.
I need a houseboy.

It's a simple matter
of renegotiating our contracts.

Renegotiate?
Who do you think you are, Teamsters?

Yeah, Teamsters!

Strike! Strike!
Strike! Strike!

Look, for the past four weeks,
I have given up all of my free time.

Had my body used for
a tackling dummy, my house trashed,

my couch set on fire,
my goldfish murdered,

my butt thrown in jail
and my car wrecked.

All I'm askin' for
is a little extra effort.

You know, what's sad is
you guys could've all passed that test.

But you're just so happy
being failures that you just don't know...

Why am I doin' this?

Tell you what.

You guys drop out
and be illiterate.

I'm goin' to Hawaii
and be tan.

Have a cow.

Damn.

Hey. Thanks for the help.

Good luck.

Where are you goin'?
- To quit.

You can't quit.
Sure, I can.

I never got through
to anybody.

Oh, that's not true.
Those kids were learning.

You're not a quitter.
Yes, I am.

How can you say that? I turned you down
for dinner at least a dozen times

in the last four weeks
and you haven't quit bugging me.

Wanna go out
to dinner tonight?

Can't.

See?

(ALL MUTTERING)

Everybody take a seat.
You, in the cot, out of bed.

Where's Mr. Shoop?

Mr. Shoop has
tendered his resignation.

Now, sit down.

Would someone tell me what Mr. Shoop
had planned for today?

Yes?

Group sex.
No, that's tomorrow.

Today is independent study, right after
our midmorning nap.

Don't think
you can pull this BS with me.

I want to see everybody take their
textbooks out and turn to Chapter, uh, 7.

Read it again.

(HUMMING)

Who's making that noise?

What noise? I don't hear any noise.
What, you got dog ears?

Chainsaw, stop doing that.
Stop doing what?

You know, I hear it, too,
and it's very annoying.

I wish you'd find the hooligan
that's responsible,

because I am trying to read
Chapter 7. Again.

(ALL HUMMING)

Mr. Gills, I just cannot study.
I'm going to the library.

Chainsaw, sit down.

You people can hum till your lips fall off,
I could care less.

(BELL RINGING)
Wait a minute. You're not dismissed.

Now, I promise you, you people
act like psychopaths tomorrow,

and you will be sorry.

Ooh. We will be sorry?

Mr. Gills sure does know
his child psychology.

So, Miss Cura, I just wanted
to let you know

that the children
are a little hyperactive,

but I'm sure that you'll enjoy
their joie de vivre.

Well, so far, I've only subbed
at grammar schools,

so this should be
a nice change.

(GIRL SCREAMING)

Help, Mr. Gills!

Denise! Denise!
Take it easy! What happened?

Don't go in there without a gun.
It's terrible.

Is this my classroom?
Yes, it is.

Whose blood is that?
Is that your blood?

No!

(SCREAMING)

My God!

We're back!

(CHAINSAWS WHIRRING)

What is wrong
with you people?

It's like you said, Gills!
We're psychopaths!

Somebody better
call the school nurse!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

I am not amused!
Turn off those motors!

Everybody get up. Now!

I'm not ready
for high school.

Why'd she leave?
Didn't she like us?

Where's her sense of humor?

I have seen
some sick things before.

But this... This is...

Devilishly clever.
Vomitous!

Thank you.

We take a lot of pride
in our work.

Look, we want Shoop back.

Why would Shoop wanna come back?
So Kelban can fire him?

He might surprise you.
We did today.

And we've got more
for tomorrow.

(STUDENTS CHUCKLING)

Do we have a deal?

(ALL I WANT FROM YOU
PLAYING ON RADIO)

Wondermutt, I do not want to play.
Not now. I'm busy.

(BARKING)

(WHIMPERING)

("JACKIE" BY ELSA FIORILLO
PLAYS ON RADIO)

Hi.

Tough day at school?
We've been torturing Gills.

Yeah. He said
you could have your job back.

Now, why would I want my job back?
Hey, my life is sailin'.

I got a radio, blanket, beach chair,
dark glasses, dog.

Why would I wanna go back
to you guys?

How about we can't pass that test
without you?

Me and Chainsaw, we've been sober for
two days, four hours and 15 minutes.

No kiddin'?

Swear to God.
Reality is so unreal.

But it is a nice change.
True. Thumbs up.

I think you should know
that you were a phase.

I've outgrown you.

But I do wanna be friends,
if you can handle it.

And, Shoop,

I'm seeing that reading specialist
this afternoon, too.

Look, we'll study in school,
after school, whatever it takes.

But we need a teacher.
What do you say, Mr. Shoop?

Please?

How can I say no
to these cute little faces?

Your practice test scores
were great.

Hey, come on,
you've been here 12 hours.

I want you to go home,
forget about this test,

get a good night's sleep.

I'll see you tomorrow,
8:00 a.m., the lecture hall.

Hey, trust me. Come on,
you're gonna kick ass and take names.

Believe it.
Are we really that ready?

Ready? What time's
the test tomorrow?

8:00 a.m.

You see, the correct answers
do not stop.

Now, go on.
Get out of here, all of you,

before the college recruiters show up and
try to drag you all off to Harvard.

Hey, I mean it.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Wondermutt, look. I found Bob.

(LAUGHING)

Go get it.

(ALARM BUZZING)

(SINGING)

Yeah.

Morning, Mom.
Morning, sweetheart.

Morning, Dad.

How do you want your eggs, honey?
Fried, scrambled?

I don't know.

What are eggs?
- I'll surprise you.

How do you spell "cat"?

I don't know!

Honey, what's wrong?

I don't know what's wrong.
Everything's blank.

I don't know anything!

I don't know anything!

I don't know anything!

Chainsaw! Chainsaw!
Chainsaw!

Are you all right?

I... I had a nightmare.
About what?

I don't know.

Great day for a test, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, Shoop.

An apple.
For the teacher.

Give 'em hell.

Hey! Hey,
we're testing in here.

I know, I'm in your class.

I remember you.
Where you been?

Bathroom.

Six weeks?
My zipper got stuck.

"Do not open the test booklets
until you are told to do so.

"Using a number two pencil,

"take your answer sheet
and fill in your name.

"Last name first,
first name second,

middle initial last
on the first line.

"Do this now."

This officer is here
to see that there is no cheating.

This officer is here to see
that there is no cheating.

Festival of screw-ups
and their king.

Mr. Gills extends his warmest personal
regards and best wishes.

Hey, thanks for carin', man.

Okay. "Break the seals
on your test booklets now.

"And turn to the section titled
'Reading Vocabulary.'

"You will have 20 minutes
to complete this section."

Everybody ready?

No!

Tension breaker,
had to be done.

Anybody else?

Good luck, gang.

Ready.

Begin.

("Mind Over Matter" by E.G. Daily Playing)

(CRUNCHING)

Sorry.

♪ Run

♪ And don't look back

♪ We gotta keep our feet

♪ On the right track

♪ We're strong

♪ And we never give up

♪ 'Cause we believe
in a world of love

♪ People will talk

♪ Saying it's not meant to be

♪ But I

♪ Think that
we know differently

♪ Oh, we're doing
what can't be done

♪ Mind over matter

♪ There's no battle
that can't be won

♪ Mind over matter

♪ Fight

♪ And never say die

♪ We've got the right

♪ To be satisfied

♪ With hope

(INAUDIBLE)

♪ To be so brave

♪ Where there's a will,
there's gotta be a way

♪ Sometimes it feels

♪ Like we're losing altitude

♪ But I

♪ Bear a winner's attitude ♪

Kevin.

It's starting.

Now?

Shit.

How far apart?

Twelve minutes.

Try and slow it down.

Forget about the...

Thirty seconds left.

C, C,

C, C, C,

C, C, C, C.

And...
Wait 20 more seconds.

Twenty seconds.
Stop. Pencils down.

C, C, C.

Drop 'em!

Just stay seated until Anna-Maria has a
chance to pick up your test sheets.

Miss Mazarelli,
may I have those tests

after you finish
collecting them, please?

Yeah, Kevin.
Can Rhonda and I be excused?

She's having a baby.

She's having a baby?
Oh, I wanna see this.

Calm down!
Everybody just stay in your seats.

No problem.
No problem here at all.

Rhonda, why didn't
you say something?

Because I wanted
to finish my test.

What do you need?
Hot water, a ride?

All we need is a hospital.
What can I do?

Get out of my way.
I can do that.

Carmine, get out of her way!
Get the door.

Save the umbilical cord.

And the afterbirth,
if it's convenient.

CHAINSAW: Good thinkin'.

Oh, easy, easy, this way.
Watch out.

PAM: You look terrific.

Well, I'm feeling
pretty good.

That's great.

The baby is healthy
and happy.

And my coach
was incredible.

Yeah, well, I couldn't
have done it without you.

No cord, huh?

Hey, when do we get to see
the little whippersnapper?

Rhonda, don't let those two
near the baby, please.

Well, it won't be a problem.

I'm giving her up
for adoption.

She's going to
a really good home.

That's nice.

I'm not ready to be a mom.

Mr. Shoop.
Ciao.

Ciao, gang. How's it goin'?

All right.
Okay.

Bad news?

Gills says
he's mailin' you your scores.

We failed.

He just said the average grade
was below passing.

So we failed.

Hey, you didn't fail.

I failed.

Field trips to the beach,

a bed in your classroom,
drinking at the beach,

a screening of
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1.

Quite a summer, Mr. Shoop.

I tried to
keep it interesting.

I have his dismissal
ready for your signature, sir.

Before I sign anything,

I understand there are
some people waiting

to speak on
Mr. Shoop's behalf.

Really?
Come in.

Mr. Kelban, you're not actually going to
listen to these delinquents?

No. I'm going to listen
to their parents.

I'm Principal Kelban.

Is there a spokesperson here?

I guess I am.
I-I'm Howard Gremp.

You're Chainsaw's father.
Interesting boy.

No, you can say it.
He's a lunatic.

Dad.

You know, six weeks ago,
I thought he had the IQ of a salad bar.

His only interest in life
was to make people sick.

I mean, if my mother
came to dinner,

he would give the dog
a third eye or an extra leg.

Because of him,
we stopped having kids.

I mean, you can imagine
the feelin' when I saw him studying.

The wife and I
almost burst into tears.

David was doing
his homework, too.

It makes sense,
they share the same brain.

Not only did Mr. Shoop
get my daughter to read,

he taught her to drive.

He showed Kevin there's more to life
than just football.

I'm not sure I agree,
but it's possible.

This man
should not be teaching.

Proof is right here in these test results.
Look for yourself, Mr. Shoop.

Passing is 70.
Average score here was 63.

They failed.

That is not true, Mr. Gills.

You mean we passed?

Well, no.
No, not all of you.

But that's not
what's important here.

Larry went from an 18
to a 51!

(EXCLAIMING)

If I'd only seen you
strip a week sooner. You!

Mom, my hair.
Rhonda.

From a 29 to a 43
and she gave birth.

Isn't childbirth
grounds for a makeup test?

It always has been.

This woman thing
never fails.

Eakian. A 51 to a 74.

I passed!
I am an Eakian, Grams.

All right, Eaker.
Denise.

No previous test score because you
ditched every test, but a 38.

Honey, that's terrific.

We'll get 'em next time.

Kevin.
Yeah?

From a 48 to a 75!

Yeah! I'm back on the team!

Yeah! Kill!
Yeah! Kill!

(HUFFING)

Chainsaw. Last score was a 6.
This time, 59.

Monster comeback.
All right.

And Dave.
From a 26 to a 70.

I passed!

You made it!
You passed?

You passed and I failed, you asshole!
How could you do that to me?

It was an accident. I'll take it again.
I can fail, I know it.

And Pam went from a 53
to an 82.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Was that the highest?
Well, almost.

I mean, that guy who spent six weeks
in the bathroom got a 91.

But look, there's more goin' on here than
test scores and grades.

You all worked hard
and you improved.

Yeah, that's very nice,
Mr. Shoop.

The point is
we are here to discuss

Mr. Shoop's flagrant violation
of school policies.

Hold it, Gills.

According to my numbers,

the average scores here
increased from 28 to 63.

Now, that's 125% improvement.
Now, that's teaching.

WOMAN: Absolutely.
Yeah.

Mr. Shoop,
I'm granting you tenure.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

He's back,
ladies and gentlemen!

This is the last time I ask.

I promise.

Will you have dinner
with me?

I'll think about it.

Can I use
some of that lip stuff?

Does this mean
we can have dinner tonight?

I didn't say that.

We'll just talk about it
over breakfast.

(BARKING)

("Happy" by Danny Elfman Playing)

♪ Don't got a pretty girl
who loves me a lot

♪ Don't got a fast car
that looks real hot

♪ Don't got a fine pad
or stereo

♪ And I don't do well
at the school

♪ Where I go, go, go, go, go

♪ But I'm happy

♪ I'm happy though the world
is upside down

♪ I'm happy that we all
made it through another day

♪ When I pick up the phone
I still remember what to say

♪ I'm happy that my brain
still lives inside my head

♪ Most of all, I think

♪ I'm hap-hap-hap-
hap-hap-happy

♪ Happy that I ain't dead

♪ I ain't dead

♪ I know a guy
with plenty of loot

♪ You'd never catch him in
a two-dollar suit

♪ He's got gold chains
Plenty of rings

♪ He told me, "Buddy,
it don't mean a thing

♪ Don't mean a thing
if you ain't happy

♪ Happy though the world
is upside down

♪ Be happy that you made it
through another day

♪ When you pick up the phone
you still remember what to say

♪ Be happy that your brain
still lives inside your head

♪ Most of all
I think I'm happy

♪ Yeah, happy

♪ I'm happy though the whole
thing is ready to blow

♪ I'm happy that the sun
is risin' up again

♪ That somewhere in this world
I still got a friend

♪ Be happy that the big one
It hasn't dropped yet

♪ Be happy that
you still got something

♪ Something
Something to forget

♪ I'm happy

♪ Oh, I'm happy

♪ I'm happy

♪ I'm happy, yeah, yeah
I'm happy

♪ I'm happy
So happy

♪ I'm happy
So happy

♪ So happy