Suck (2009) - full transcript
In Montreal, Joey is the lead singer of the struggling band "The Winners", composed by the sexy bass singer Jennifer, the guitarist Tyler, the drummer Sam and the handyman Hugo. Their incompetent and alcoholic manager Jeff is incapable to help them to reach success and they are on the road on tour playing in clubs and bars in Canada and United States of America. After a show in a bar in Montreal, Jennifer, who is also the Joey's former girlfriend, leaves the place with the creepy Queeny, who is a vampire, and they spend the night together. On the next morning, Jennifer does not meet the band and they travel in their hearse to participate in a rock 'n' roll show without her. In the last moment, Jennifer arrives with a different appearance and on the next day they find that their home page had had several hits, all of them with good reviews and compliments to Jennifer. They become famous and Jennifer great audiences to the shows of "The Winners" and one by one, the musicians are turned into vampires but the reluctant Joey. "The Winners" become successful and Joey has a dream where he meets the bartender (Alice Cooper) of their show in Montreal in a crossroad and the man tells that he needs to decide whether he wants to be a winner or a loser. Meanwhile the vampire hunter Eddie Van Helsing is hunting the vampire queen and tracking "The Winners" in their shows.
This is the Rockin' Roger Morning Show,
late-night edition.
CMJ is almost upon us,
so if you like your live music,
and I know that you do, you'll wanna get
your wristbands before it's too late.
And speaking of too late, it's never
too late to say you're say sorry,
and right now I wanna dedicate
this next song to all the lovely ladies
in Rockin' Roger's rock 'n' roll past.
Ladies, if you're burning and itching,
you might want to see a doctor.
Immediately.
[# I'm Coming To Get You]
# Time is ticking
Almost done
# What we hated
We've become
# by the pricking of my thumbs
# Something wicked
# This way comes
# I'm coming to get you
# I'm coming to get you
# I'm coming to get you
# High
# I dropped the needle
# Pick it up
# Don't you worry
You're old enough
# Times are changin'
So am I
# Time's a-wastin'
# It's time to die
# I'm coming to get you
# I'm coming to get you
# I'm coming to get you
# High #
- That's not what I'm saying, Joey.
- What are you saying, Jeff?
I'm saying that you should be firing me.
- So you're quitting?
- I'm not quitting.
Why do you keep saying that? I'm not.
What I'm saying is, as your manager,
I am advising you to fire your manager.
- That's... That's all I'm saying.
- OK. I can't fire you.
CMJ's in ten days. You said we had
a showcase gig with industry insiders
- and A&R guys...
- Movers and shakers?
- Was I drinking when I said that?
- You're always drinking.
See, you should totally fire me!
Montreal, land of Hugo's birth.
Many women will be very pleased
to hear of my return.
No matter how long you go away, you
always come back. You're like herpes.
- Hugo is not like herpes.
- Hugo's a lot like herpes.
- He's not.
- Guys, where's Joe and Jennifer?
Joey's talking to Jeff.
Jennifer is talking to some scary guy.
What scary guy?
- Whoa. He is kind of creepy.
- Yeah, he is.
You know what? Let's just face it, Joey.
We're both getting long in the tooth.
- What does that mean?
- All right, here's your beers.
- We didn't order these.
- Oh, no, no. It's...
It's on the house.
- Well, thank you very much.
- Yeah, not you. You have to pay.
Of course, yeah. Hang on.
One second.
- OK, how much is it?
- That'll do. Thanks.
Twenty. Twenty!
That's nice for free beer.
Hey, you know,
I know how you're feeling, though.
You're gettin' old, hm? I'm getting old.
Rock and roll is getting old.
Have you considered Japanese hip-hop?
- I'm not Japanese.
- Yeah.
No, I guess that's not really right
for you, but it's a shame,
because it's gonna be huge.
- Oh, sorry. Hang on a second.
Konnichiwa.
You know what, Joey,
I'm gonna have to take this outside,
and then I'm gonna have to go home. OK?
- Hey, have another round.
- Thanks.
It's tough watching a weasel
like that crush another man's dreams.
A man's gotta have his dreams.
Yeah, I should get back to the band.
Thanks.
Band can wait, Joey.
Do I know you? How'd you know my name?
I can read your mind.
Wow. What am I thinking right now?
You're thinking this bartender is crazy.
You're good.
You're afraid of being
a loser the rest of your life.
Too late for you, too late for the band.
I'd say you're 30 pounds ofjunk food
and a retail job away
from killing yourself.
Just a guess.
Thanks for the drink.
So how'd it go with Jeff?
Great, you know? He's really
excited about the New York show.
Says there's gonna be a lot of
industry insiders, movers and shakers.
Right. So, what hotel
are we staying at tonight?
It's such a nice night I thought
we'd save money, sleep in the bus.
No! First of all, it's not a bus,
it's a hearse...
- We're sleeping in the hearse tonight?
- Just for tonight, OK?
- That sucks.
- Could you give us a second, please?
I've given you ten years.
Now I gotta sleep with Hugo?
I'll meet up with you guys
in the morning, OK?
I'm going out with some friends.
That is a friend of yours?
Oh, I'm sorry,
is that any of your business?
He looks like a junkie from hell,
for chrissakes.
- Don't you have a girlfriend?
- This is about the band!
It always is.
We have a six-hour drive tomorrow.
And I don't wanna sleep in the hearse.
The hearse smells like drummer.
- I heard that.
- I'm going to a party.
Fine, you know, but we're leaving
at noon tomorrow, with or without you.
- Fine. I'll see you then.
- Fine.
Wait.
If you're going to a party,
give these out.
They got the new website on them.
- Maybe you should go with her.
- She can handle herself.
She didn't invite you, huh?
Can we load the gear, please?
Yes, Joey. We can.
Don't touch me.
[# Flesh and Bone]
# Has the terrible danger
that surrounds us
# become like a drug?
# Are we more like strangers
in a glass house?
# We're rich with the blood
# How can you leave the black out?
# You're only flesh and bone
# Flesh and bone
# When a blanket of winter
is all around us
# We have to stay warm
# When there's no one there
you can count on
# You have to transform
# How can you leave the black out? #
- Well, this sucks.
- Where is she?
- Hitched a ride with The ltchies.
- She'll be here. I know women.
- We're gonna miss sound check.
- I hope she's OK.
She's OK. She's always OK.
She just doesn't care.
- This is why I broke up with her.
- She dumped you.
Yeah, for being an insensitive prick.
Her words, not mine.
Screw it. Hugo, you're on bass.
Let's roll.
[# Blue Peter: Same Old Place]
# Every time I turn around
# There's people letting me down
# And everywhere that I go
# No one ever wants to know
# Look, I'm tired of the scene
# Living such stale dreams
# I don't want to get involved
# No, I just want to be dissolved
# It's the same old place
# I see them melting in the heat
I see them walking down the street
# You'd think the future of the world
is wrapped up with some girl
# And every time I turn around
there's people letting me down
# And everywhere that I go
everybody's in the know #
Copy that. Could someone
tell Susan she has visitors?
Hi, honey.
- What are you doing here?
- You look good.
What are you doing here? I'm working.
Yeah, I know. Um...
We hit a little snag.
You want money.
Why are you being like that?
- You don't want money?
- Yeah, I want money,
but there's no reason
to be cruel and weird about it.
- I am not being cruel and weird.
- Yeah, you are.
You're being cruel and weird
and making me feel like shit.
You know what?
I can't do this right now.
- Neither can I.
- Fine. Then leave.
- Fine, I will. Thanks.
- Fine.
Are you coming
to the show tonight, or?
Will junkie slut be coming?
No, as a matter of fact,
Jennifer won't be joining us.
We left her in Montreal.
Maybe I'll come. Where are the rest
of the retards, anyway?
Your friend with the headset
said that they could...
- Hi, Susan!
- Hi, Susan!
Hi, Susan.
They're really hungry, what with us
having no money and all, but it's cool.
You're working, and I should go anyways.
- OK, let's get first team inl
- I gotta go.
OK. It's OK.
There's about a hundred bucks
in my purse in my room. Just take it.
- I'm ashamed.
- Yeah, you should be.
- OK.
- And Joey?
Yeah?
Put me on the list tonight.
I... I will. For sure.
OK. I gotta go.
- That sounds super.
- We cool?
- No, but thanks anyway.
- That sounded like shit.
Jennifer?
Well, you look... different.
I'm not different.
I'm the exact same person.
No, I just meant, like,
your hair and your...
Nope. No, I'm the same old Jennifer.
Nothing different here.
OK. How'd you get here?
- I hitched a ride with The ltchies.
- Where are they?
Oh, they should be here soon.
Unless something terrible
happens to them.
- What?
- They said they couldn't make it.
OK, I don't understand.
They drove you from Montreal to Toronto
- and then decided not to play?
- Yeah, they're totally crazy.
- Who cares? They totally suck!
- Welcome back, Jen.
You were missed.
You look different.
- Eddie Van Helsig!
- Where's Queeny?
Soon it will be dark again.
Kill me.
It doesn't have to be like this.
You can be saved.
Just tell me where the queen is,
and I'll let you live.
You can't save me, vampire hunter.
You couldn't even save your own woman.
Burn in hell, Nosferatu.
There has to be some mistake.
I'm the singer's girlfriend.
- Sure you are.
- What's that supposed to mean?
It means ten bucks.
- Look...
- Are you that girl from Space Raiders?
- Yes.
- You can totally afford ten bucks.
The money goes to the band.
Let me in the fucking club.
[# Going Nowhere]
# Don't know how to begin
# Open road is closing in
# We're getting far
from where we've been
# And where we're going
# And where we going anyway?
# Don't know how to explain
# Open road, expecting rain
# We're getting far from where we came
# And where we're going
# And where we going anyway?
- # Going nowhere
- # Going nowhere
# Coming down
- # Going nowhere
- # Going nowhere
# Coming down #
[# Robert Johnson: Crossroads]
# I went to the crossroads
# Fell down on my knees
# I went to the crossroads...
Hi, Joey.
You! What the hell are you doing here?
Wait... What the hell am I doing here?
Where the hell are we, man?
Well, clearly,
we are at a crossroads in your life.
- What?
- We don't have a lot of time. No.
You don't have a lot of time.
I, on the other hand, have lots.
That's great. Um...
How do I get outta here?
You have a decision to make,
a tough one.
But I think if you look all around you,
the answer's right in front of you.
Who are you?
My fairy godmother from hell?
No, it's not who I am, it's who you are.
Who are you, man?
What the hell's goin' on?
Who are you?!
I am Hugo!
Hugo! Ah, shit, my head!
- Yeah, Susan hit you with a bottle.
- She what?
- Hey, he's alive!
- What the hell was that?
- What?
- Whoa. She clocked you pretty hard.
- You been out for a while.
- I have?
Did you notice anything different
about tonight's performance?
- What do you mean?
- Jennifer. Did you see that?
Sorry, Tyler. I'm distracted by my
girlfriend throwing a beer bottle at me.
I think it's pretty safe
to call her your ex-girlfriend now.
I'm talking about Jennifer.
- Agh! What the hell?
- How ya doin', guys? Nice set.
- Thanks.
- What's with the flashlight?
- Keeps the dark away.
- At least you're not a cop.
Are you afraid of the dark?
We should all be afraid of darkness.
I am afraid of spiders.
They are... no good.
Um... I really like your bass player.
Is she around?
- Haven't seen her. Where is Jennifer?
- I don't know.
- She said she was really hungry.
- She went to get something to eat.
Shit. I didn't wanna hear that!
- Oh, God...
- That was weird.
I'm telling you, man, something
really strange happened tonight.
- What?
- People were really receptive.
That's not so strange, Tyler.
I've been trying to channel all that
shit in my life into our shows...
Not to you, to Jennifer.
You were unconscious at the time.
We got an encore!
- We did?
- Yeah!
Things are finally starting to work
for us, man. I cannot wait for Buffalo!
- Oh, Buffalo.
- No.
- I promised Beef one more show.
- Goddamn it!
- Hey.
- What?
- Find Jennifer. Now.
- What?
God!
# Try as I might
# Shadows are forming
# Night after night
# What can I do?
# baby, when you come home
# I'm never gonna let you leave me alone
# Without my man
# but Lord knows I'm doin'
# The best I can
# I know my man
# Works for a living
# I know my man
# He works for me
# I know I will
# Always forgive him
# All I can say, all I can see
# baby, when you come home
# I'm never gonna let you leave me alone
# Without my man
# but Lord knows I'm doin'
# The best I can
# I'm still alone
# Without my man
# but Lord knows I'm doin'... #
# Change has come
# Change with me
# Whatever's meant to be will be
# Whatever's meant to be will be #
# Hey, little girl
# You're all right
# If one of us goes further
# We ain't never gonna make it
Make it back
# Yeah, baby
# If one of us goes further
# We ain't never gonna make it
Make it back
# Yeah, sugar #
Hey, we got ten comments
on the website.
- Really? What do they say?
- They're from the Toronto show.
Bob779, he says
the bass player is totally hot.
Hey, well, that's positive.
- Hey, they're all about Jennifer.
- All of them?
No, there's one about you here.
"The lead singer of The Winners should
step down and let the real star..."
- Yeah, I get it. That's good.
- I think I'm gonna be sick.
That's perfect. We're not gonna get
across the border with a junkie.
- Everyone be cool. We're here.
- We're going to the jail.
Shut up.
Good afternoon, sir. How are you?
Pull it over to the side, please, sir.
- Certainly. Is there some sort of?
- Are you deaf? Pull it over now!
Leave 'em for me.
Passports.
OK...
Well, girlies...
...any drugs in the vehicle?
- No. None.
What about you, miss?
What's your citizenship?
- We're Canadian. She's an American.
- Am I speaking to you?
No. No, sir.
- Miss?
- American.
Are you under the influence
of any narcotics, miss?
Huh?
You wanna lose the glasses?
I, uh... I'm a bit...
I'm sensitive to the light.
I had a bit too much to drink
at the gig last night.
Gig?
- Are you in a band?
- Yeah.
Sweet! I used to play in a band.
Really? What kind of stuff did you?
Takes me back.
Rock on, dudes. Have a good one.
Thank you.
Morning, sir. Citizenship?
American.
What was the purpose
of your trip to Canada?
- Hunting.
- Any weapons in the vehicle, sir?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Lots of weapons.
Welcome home.
I just need something
to calm my stomach.
Yeah,
we're gonna miss sound check.
I have to make pee.
Hey, I have to make pee.
Here you go.
How you doin'?
I'm thirsty.
Maybe I can buy you a drink.
I get off at 4am.
I'm thirsty now.
Well, I got a drink right here.
You want a suck?
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
It's notjust me, man.
Everyone hates Buffalo.
- What's bad about playing in Buffalo?
- The Secretaries.
- Who?
- The Secretaries of Steak.
You wanna play Buffalo,
you open for The Secretaries.
- And they're bad?
- Yes, but that's not why we hate them.
Their fans are rabid.
They pelt the opening act
with an assortment of raw meats.
Meat? Like...
like real, really real meat?
Yeah, like real, raw, bloody meat.
It's not what it looks like.
- Don't be scared.
- You drank the guy!
I know. Hugo, I'm sick.
I have a sickness. I can't help myself.
You have to help me, Hugo.
Help you what?!
I need you to dismember this body
and hide it.
OK, this is stupid. Where are they?
- Maybe there's a line.
- There's no other cars!
Hey. I had a dream
you were like a monster!
Monster?
Hugo, that's silly. I'm not a monster.
I'm your master,
and you have a lot of cleaning up to do.
Quoi?
Stop screaming!
You're going to eat Hugo?
No. No, I'm not. I'm not gonna eat Hugo.
I'm gonna help Hugo,
and Hugo is gonna help me.
Listen, it'll be fun, OK?
And then, if you do a good job,
I'll make you an immortal
at the end of the tour.
You mean, like,
Hugo will live forever?
Or Hugo will die in five seconds.
I'm going to need my hacksaw.
I brought it.
Oh.
OK, that's it. I'm going in there.
Hey, guys.
All right.
Here's your sandwich,
your juice,
your chips and Pepsi.
Wow! You're feeling better.
Yeah, I had some antacid.
It calmed my stomach down.
That's a relief. Where's Hugo?
He'll be out in a second.
He got a nosebleed.
Hugo doesn't do drugs.
Dry climate in Buffalo.
- We need to go.
- Quite a nosebleed. You OK there, bud?
- Everything's normal.
- Good enough for me. Let's go.
This is Rockin'Roger,
and you're listening to KCUS.
Touch yourself,
touch your friends, but...
...don't touch that dial.
Yeah!
Yeah!
All rise for The Secretaries of Steak!
# I said war, not the war in my head
# Who will be held accountable
for the dead?
# And why must I be paid to kill
# And sin?
# As I slash his throat against my will
# Out he froze his life
God chose it
# I'm inside of this lonely grave
# And no one was saved
And still I bleed
# And still I bleed
# And still I bleed
# And still I bleed #
Why do they throw meat?
They're all about Jennifer again.
They say she's mesmerising.
What, we got 40 hits on the website
and they're all about Jennifer?
That's 'cause she's totally hot,
and you totally suck.
Why do they throw meat?
Hugo! Roll another.
I'm approaching enlightenment.
We are without papers.
Jennifer has the papers.
I'll go get 'em.
No! I'll go.
No, dude, I am the biggest fucking
rock star in Buffalo. Chicks dig me.
- I'll go.
- No, but I know where they are, so...
- I should just probably go myself?
- What's the problem, Frenchie?
- What did you call me?
- Frenchie.
Little Frenchie don't speak-a da
English, Frenchie?
- Have a nice time.
- I will, you bitch.
Douche.
- Hello, angel.
- You wanna come inside?
As long as you're on the pill.
Well, hello.
Oh, my God, you smell so good.
It's about fuckin' time someone noticed.
You know what?
I taste really good, too.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You wanna meet Baby Beef?
- What the hell was that?
- Television! It was television.
Hey, assholes!
Turn down your damn television!
Hey, Hugo! You wanna take it easy?
What were you talking about?
Stopping?
- What?
- Stopping her?
Oh, yeah, OK.
We're stopping at Victor's.
- Nice!
- We need to record some new material.
This showcase gig is gonna have a lot
of industry insiders and A&R guys...
Jennifer's got a new song.
Yeah, I'm working on something.
Wow. You won't even listen to it.
Who are you, Prince?
No, I'm just saying
that I write the songs.
- And how's that been working for us?
- What the hell does that mean?
- I'm gonna go check on those papers.
- It means maybe it's time to give
someone else a shot.
Why are you so obsessed
with Jennifer all of a sudden?
- Can't you see what's going on here?
- I think I see what's going on here.
- I think you're in love with her.
- Me? That's stupid!
- But it's true.
- Shut up!
- But it's so obvious.
- What's obvious?
I love Jennifer? Are you
completely out of your fucking mind?
Maybe I'm crazy, or maybe I'm just high,
but as of right now,
nothing seems certain except
for the fact that you love Jennifer.
Joey still loves Jennifer,
and Hugo loves Jennifer.
Oh, my God, I'm in love with Jennifer.
I don't know whether
it's 'cause she's hot
or maybe it's 'cause
she's the only girl around.
But... either way, I'm totally smitten.
- Let's order some more food.
- Yeah.
- Jesus!
- Beef had to go home.
Hugo. Hugo!
- Where'd all that blood come from?
- From the show.
Hugo, you just left here clean and you
come back covered in mystery blood.
Wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?
You're stoned?
Bye-bye.
What are we smoking, PCP?
- Hey. Hey!
-
- Hey. Hey!
-
Hey...
Hey. Hello, my friend.
You are my friend.
You! You are my friend.
Stop crying! I'm trying to eat!
All right, what the hell is going?
- It's not what it looks like.
- You ate Beef!
- Everyone be cool.
- OK, we've definitely smoked PCP.
- I can explain.
- You can explain
- why you're chewing on a severed arm?
- Don't be such a drama queen.
Drama queen? You killed someone!
Whoa. Hey, now. Everybody just chill
a second. Nobody killed anybody.
It's PCP! We're just bad trippin'
is all. Right, Jenny?
No, this is real.
And you had Hugo
cover your tracks as usual.
And you're an insensitive asshole
who only cares about himself as usual!
Do you think I want to be
in this situation?
You think I know who
the hell you are any more?
- Nobody likes a judge.
- Yeah, no one likes a vampire, either.
- Screw you, Joey!
- Screw me? Screw me?
- You're out of the band, Jennifer!
- She's kind of the best thing
- about this band right now.
- Tyler...
I'm just saying,
maybe you should sleep on it.
Oh, my God, you really ate Beef.
This is really happening.
It's really happening.
OK. Well, we have to call the cops.
Who are you?
No one's calling the cops.
We're still a band,
not a bunch of narcs!
- There's a dead body in the bathtub.
- What are you gonna tell them?
"Our bass player's a vampire, she just
ate the most popular band in Buffalo"?
- They'll lock you up!
- What happens on the road
- stays on the road.
- Just shut up, OK? Let me think.
- Do you have vampire powers?
- Yes.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm super fast, super strong and I can
talk to other vampires with my mind.
- Plus, I can turn into fog.
- Get out!
- She ate The ltchies.
- You ate The ltchies?
- Holy shit, Jennifer!
- I can explain.
How?
I have a problem,
but I'm still the same person inside.
I'm still the same girl.
I need help.
I need you guys.
All right,
I know it's been a long night.
But if we're still playing this showcase
gig, we need to set some ground rules.
- OK.
- What kind of ground rules?
Rule number one: Under no circumstances
may you make any other member
of this band into a vampire.
- She promised me immortality.
- Yeah. Life's about disappointment.
- Rule number one's bullshit!
- OK, Hugo...
Rule number two: No more killing,
all right?
If you need blood, we'll... We'll pull
over and you can suck on a cow.
- Will that work?
- It's a deal-breaker, OK?
No more mur... No more murders.
All right, fine. I'll try cow blood.
It might work.
Might work.
Didn't think to try it first, just...
You're judging again.
Rule number three:
Total honesty from this point on.
- No more secrets.
- You mean like Jeff quitting?
Jeff quit?
Yeah, Jeff quit, OK? I lied.
But it was for the good of the band.
Jeff quit? Well, what about
our big industry insider show,
with all the movers and shakers?
Why are we even bothering to go?
I don't know any more.
Lighten up, man. We'll go.
It's not like anyone
has anything else to do.
Besides, people are starting
to show up at these gigs.
I mean, this vampire thing
might even help us.
- Can you wash your hands?
- I did.
Again?
This is the Rockin' Roger Morning Show,
late-night edition.
Right now,
I'd like to thank our sponsors:
Sex, drugs and rock and roll.
Me likey.
# She almost left town yesterday
# She had everything she would say
# About all the things I've done wrong
# How they just made her strong
# I almost killed you last night
She said
# I almost killed you last night
Dead
# I almost ended your life
# It was so close it hurts
# So close it hurts
# She always stood up for herself
# She'd never been anywhere else
# Everybody told her to leave
#
late-night edition.
CMJ is almost upon us,
so if you like your live music,
and I know that you do, you'll wanna get
your wristbands before it's too late.
And speaking of too late, it's never
too late to say you're say sorry,
and right now I wanna dedicate
this next song to all the lovely ladies
in Rockin' Roger's rock 'n' roll past.
Ladies, if you're burning and itching,
you might want to see a doctor.
Immediately.
[# I'm Coming To Get You]
# Time is ticking
Almost done
# What we hated
We've become
# by the pricking of my thumbs
# Something wicked
# This way comes
# I'm coming to get you
# I'm coming to get you
# I'm coming to get you
# High
# I dropped the needle
# Pick it up
# Don't you worry
You're old enough
# Times are changin'
So am I
# Time's a-wastin'
# It's time to die
# I'm coming to get you
# I'm coming to get you
# I'm coming to get you
# High #
- That's not what I'm saying, Joey.
- What are you saying, Jeff?
I'm saying that you should be firing me.
- So you're quitting?
- I'm not quitting.
Why do you keep saying that? I'm not.
What I'm saying is, as your manager,
I am advising you to fire your manager.
- That's... That's all I'm saying.
- OK. I can't fire you.
CMJ's in ten days. You said we had
a showcase gig with industry insiders
- and A&R guys...
- Movers and shakers?
- Was I drinking when I said that?
- You're always drinking.
See, you should totally fire me!
Montreal, land of Hugo's birth.
Many women will be very pleased
to hear of my return.
No matter how long you go away, you
always come back. You're like herpes.
- Hugo is not like herpes.
- Hugo's a lot like herpes.
- He's not.
- Guys, where's Joe and Jennifer?
Joey's talking to Jeff.
Jennifer is talking to some scary guy.
What scary guy?
- Whoa. He is kind of creepy.
- Yeah, he is.
You know what? Let's just face it, Joey.
We're both getting long in the tooth.
- What does that mean?
- All right, here's your beers.
- We didn't order these.
- Oh, no, no. It's...
It's on the house.
- Well, thank you very much.
- Yeah, not you. You have to pay.
Of course, yeah. Hang on.
One second.
- OK, how much is it?
- That'll do. Thanks.
Twenty. Twenty!
That's nice for free beer.
Hey, you know,
I know how you're feeling, though.
You're gettin' old, hm? I'm getting old.
Rock and roll is getting old.
Have you considered Japanese hip-hop?
- I'm not Japanese.
- Yeah.
No, I guess that's not really right
for you, but it's a shame,
because it's gonna be huge.
- Oh, sorry. Hang on a second.
Konnichiwa.
You know what, Joey,
I'm gonna have to take this outside,
and then I'm gonna have to go home. OK?
- Hey, have another round.
- Thanks.
It's tough watching a weasel
like that crush another man's dreams.
A man's gotta have his dreams.
Yeah, I should get back to the band.
Thanks.
Band can wait, Joey.
Do I know you? How'd you know my name?
I can read your mind.
Wow. What am I thinking right now?
You're thinking this bartender is crazy.
You're good.
You're afraid of being
a loser the rest of your life.
Too late for you, too late for the band.
I'd say you're 30 pounds ofjunk food
and a retail job away
from killing yourself.
Just a guess.
Thanks for the drink.
So how'd it go with Jeff?
Great, you know? He's really
excited about the New York show.
Says there's gonna be a lot of
industry insiders, movers and shakers.
Right. So, what hotel
are we staying at tonight?
It's such a nice night I thought
we'd save money, sleep in the bus.
No! First of all, it's not a bus,
it's a hearse...
- We're sleeping in the hearse tonight?
- Just for tonight, OK?
- That sucks.
- Could you give us a second, please?
I've given you ten years.
Now I gotta sleep with Hugo?
I'll meet up with you guys
in the morning, OK?
I'm going out with some friends.
That is a friend of yours?
Oh, I'm sorry,
is that any of your business?
He looks like a junkie from hell,
for chrissakes.
- Don't you have a girlfriend?
- This is about the band!
It always is.
We have a six-hour drive tomorrow.
And I don't wanna sleep in the hearse.
The hearse smells like drummer.
- I heard that.
- I'm going to a party.
Fine, you know, but we're leaving
at noon tomorrow, with or without you.
- Fine. I'll see you then.
- Fine.
Wait.
If you're going to a party,
give these out.
They got the new website on them.
- Maybe you should go with her.
- She can handle herself.
She didn't invite you, huh?
Can we load the gear, please?
Yes, Joey. We can.
Don't touch me.
[# Flesh and Bone]
# Has the terrible danger
that surrounds us
# become like a drug?
# Are we more like strangers
in a glass house?
# We're rich with the blood
# How can you leave the black out?
# You're only flesh and bone
# Flesh and bone
# When a blanket of winter
is all around us
# We have to stay warm
# When there's no one there
you can count on
# You have to transform
# How can you leave the black out? #
- Well, this sucks.
- Where is she?
- Hitched a ride with The ltchies.
- She'll be here. I know women.
- We're gonna miss sound check.
- I hope she's OK.
She's OK. She's always OK.
She just doesn't care.
- This is why I broke up with her.
- She dumped you.
Yeah, for being an insensitive prick.
Her words, not mine.
Screw it. Hugo, you're on bass.
Let's roll.
[# Blue Peter: Same Old Place]
# Every time I turn around
# There's people letting me down
# And everywhere that I go
# No one ever wants to know
# Look, I'm tired of the scene
# Living such stale dreams
# I don't want to get involved
# No, I just want to be dissolved
# It's the same old place
# I see them melting in the heat
I see them walking down the street
# You'd think the future of the world
is wrapped up with some girl
# And every time I turn around
there's people letting me down
# And everywhere that I go
everybody's in the know #
Copy that. Could someone
tell Susan she has visitors?
Hi, honey.
- What are you doing here?
- You look good.
What are you doing here? I'm working.
Yeah, I know. Um...
We hit a little snag.
You want money.
Why are you being like that?
- You don't want money?
- Yeah, I want money,
but there's no reason
to be cruel and weird about it.
- I am not being cruel and weird.
- Yeah, you are.
You're being cruel and weird
and making me feel like shit.
You know what?
I can't do this right now.
- Neither can I.
- Fine. Then leave.
- Fine, I will. Thanks.
- Fine.
Are you coming
to the show tonight, or?
Will junkie slut be coming?
No, as a matter of fact,
Jennifer won't be joining us.
We left her in Montreal.
Maybe I'll come. Where are the rest
of the retards, anyway?
Your friend with the headset
said that they could...
- Hi, Susan!
- Hi, Susan!
Hi, Susan.
They're really hungry, what with us
having no money and all, but it's cool.
You're working, and I should go anyways.
- OK, let's get first team inl
- I gotta go.
OK. It's OK.
There's about a hundred bucks
in my purse in my room. Just take it.
- I'm ashamed.
- Yeah, you should be.
- OK.
- And Joey?
Yeah?
Put me on the list tonight.
I... I will. For sure.
OK. I gotta go.
- That sounds super.
- We cool?
- No, but thanks anyway.
- That sounded like shit.
Jennifer?
Well, you look... different.
I'm not different.
I'm the exact same person.
No, I just meant, like,
your hair and your...
Nope. No, I'm the same old Jennifer.
Nothing different here.
OK. How'd you get here?
- I hitched a ride with The ltchies.
- Where are they?
Oh, they should be here soon.
Unless something terrible
happens to them.
- What?
- They said they couldn't make it.
OK, I don't understand.
They drove you from Montreal to Toronto
- and then decided not to play?
- Yeah, they're totally crazy.
- Who cares? They totally suck!
- Welcome back, Jen.
You were missed.
You look different.
- Eddie Van Helsig!
- Where's Queeny?
Soon it will be dark again.
Kill me.
It doesn't have to be like this.
You can be saved.
Just tell me where the queen is,
and I'll let you live.
You can't save me, vampire hunter.
You couldn't even save your own woman.
Burn in hell, Nosferatu.
There has to be some mistake.
I'm the singer's girlfriend.
- Sure you are.
- What's that supposed to mean?
It means ten bucks.
- Look...
- Are you that girl from Space Raiders?
- Yes.
- You can totally afford ten bucks.
The money goes to the band.
Let me in the fucking club.
[# Going Nowhere]
# Don't know how to begin
# Open road is closing in
# We're getting far
from where we've been
# And where we're going
# And where we going anyway?
# Don't know how to explain
# Open road, expecting rain
# We're getting far from where we came
# And where we're going
# And where we going anyway?
- # Going nowhere
- # Going nowhere
# Coming down
- # Going nowhere
- # Going nowhere
# Coming down #
[# Robert Johnson: Crossroads]
# I went to the crossroads
# Fell down on my knees
# I went to the crossroads...
Hi, Joey.
You! What the hell are you doing here?
Wait... What the hell am I doing here?
Where the hell are we, man?
Well, clearly,
we are at a crossroads in your life.
- What?
- We don't have a lot of time. No.
You don't have a lot of time.
I, on the other hand, have lots.
That's great. Um...
How do I get outta here?
You have a decision to make,
a tough one.
But I think if you look all around you,
the answer's right in front of you.
Who are you?
My fairy godmother from hell?
No, it's not who I am, it's who you are.
Who are you, man?
What the hell's goin' on?
Who are you?!
I am Hugo!
Hugo! Ah, shit, my head!
- Yeah, Susan hit you with a bottle.
- She what?
- Hey, he's alive!
- What the hell was that?
- What?
- Whoa. She clocked you pretty hard.
- You been out for a while.
- I have?
Did you notice anything different
about tonight's performance?
- What do you mean?
- Jennifer. Did you see that?
Sorry, Tyler. I'm distracted by my
girlfriend throwing a beer bottle at me.
I think it's pretty safe
to call her your ex-girlfriend now.
I'm talking about Jennifer.
- Agh! What the hell?
- How ya doin', guys? Nice set.
- Thanks.
- What's with the flashlight?
- Keeps the dark away.
- At least you're not a cop.
Are you afraid of the dark?
We should all be afraid of darkness.
I am afraid of spiders.
They are... no good.
Um... I really like your bass player.
Is she around?
- Haven't seen her. Where is Jennifer?
- I don't know.
- She said she was really hungry.
- She went to get something to eat.
Shit. I didn't wanna hear that!
- Oh, God...
- That was weird.
I'm telling you, man, something
really strange happened tonight.
- What?
- People were really receptive.
That's not so strange, Tyler.
I've been trying to channel all that
shit in my life into our shows...
Not to you, to Jennifer.
You were unconscious at the time.
We got an encore!
- We did?
- Yeah!
Things are finally starting to work
for us, man. I cannot wait for Buffalo!
- Oh, Buffalo.
- No.
- I promised Beef one more show.
- Goddamn it!
- Hey.
- What?
- Find Jennifer. Now.
- What?
God!
# Try as I might
# Shadows are forming
# Night after night
# What can I do?
# baby, when you come home
# I'm never gonna let you leave me alone
# Without my man
# but Lord knows I'm doin'
# The best I can
# I know my man
# Works for a living
# I know my man
# He works for me
# I know I will
# Always forgive him
# All I can say, all I can see
# baby, when you come home
# I'm never gonna let you leave me alone
# Without my man
# but Lord knows I'm doin'
# The best I can
# I'm still alone
# Without my man
# but Lord knows I'm doin'... #
# Change has come
# Change with me
# Whatever's meant to be will be
# Whatever's meant to be will be #
# Hey, little girl
# You're all right
# If one of us goes further
# We ain't never gonna make it
Make it back
# Yeah, baby
# If one of us goes further
# We ain't never gonna make it
Make it back
# Yeah, sugar #
Hey, we got ten comments
on the website.
- Really? What do they say?
- They're from the Toronto show.
Bob779, he says
the bass player is totally hot.
Hey, well, that's positive.
- Hey, they're all about Jennifer.
- All of them?
No, there's one about you here.
"The lead singer of The Winners should
step down and let the real star..."
- Yeah, I get it. That's good.
- I think I'm gonna be sick.
That's perfect. We're not gonna get
across the border with a junkie.
- Everyone be cool. We're here.
- We're going to the jail.
Shut up.
Good afternoon, sir. How are you?
Pull it over to the side, please, sir.
- Certainly. Is there some sort of?
- Are you deaf? Pull it over now!
Leave 'em for me.
Passports.
OK...
Well, girlies...
...any drugs in the vehicle?
- No. None.
What about you, miss?
What's your citizenship?
- We're Canadian. She's an American.
- Am I speaking to you?
No. No, sir.
- Miss?
- American.
Are you under the influence
of any narcotics, miss?
Huh?
You wanna lose the glasses?
I, uh... I'm a bit...
I'm sensitive to the light.
I had a bit too much to drink
at the gig last night.
Gig?
- Are you in a band?
- Yeah.
Sweet! I used to play in a band.
Really? What kind of stuff did you?
Takes me back.
Rock on, dudes. Have a good one.
Thank you.
Morning, sir. Citizenship?
American.
What was the purpose
of your trip to Canada?
- Hunting.
- Any weapons in the vehicle, sir?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Lots of weapons.
Welcome home.
I just need something
to calm my stomach.
Yeah,
we're gonna miss sound check.
I have to make pee.
Hey, I have to make pee.
Here you go.
How you doin'?
I'm thirsty.
Maybe I can buy you a drink.
I get off at 4am.
I'm thirsty now.
Well, I got a drink right here.
You want a suck?
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
It's notjust me, man.
Everyone hates Buffalo.
- What's bad about playing in Buffalo?
- The Secretaries.
- Who?
- The Secretaries of Steak.
You wanna play Buffalo,
you open for The Secretaries.
- And they're bad?
- Yes, but that's not why we hate them.
Their fans are rabid.
They pelt the opening act
with an assortment of raw meats.
Meat? Like...
like real, really real meat?
Yeah, like real, raw, bloody meat.
It's not what it looks like.
- Don't be scared.
- You drank the guy!
I know. Hugo, I'm sick.
I have a sickness. I can't help myself.
You have to help me, Hugo.
Help you what?!
I need you to dismember this body
and hide it.
OK, this is stupid. Where are they?
- Maybe there's a line.
- There's no other cars!
Hey. I had a dream
you were like a monster!
Monster?
Hugo, that's silly. I'm not a monster.
I'm your master,
and you have a lot of cleaning up to do.
Quoi?
Stop screaming!
You're going to eat Hugo?
No. No, I'm not. I'm not gonna eat Hugo.
I'm gonna help Hugo,
and Hugo is gonna help me.
Listen, it'll be fun, OK?
And then, if you do a good job,
I'll make you an immortal
at the end of the tour.
You mean, like,
Hugo will live forever?
Or Hugo will die in five seconds.
I'm going to need my hacksaw.
I brought it.
Oh.
OK, that's it. I'm going in there.
Hey, guys.
All right.
Here's your sandwich,
your juice,
your chips and Pepsi.
Wow! You're feeling better.
Yeah, I had some antacid.
It calmed my stomach down.
That's a relief. Where's Hugo?
He'll be out in a second.
He got a nosebleed.
Hugo doesn't do drugs.
Dry climate in Buffalo.
- We need to go.
- Quite a nosebleed. You OK there, bud?
- Everything's normal.
- Good enough for me. Let's go.
This is Rockin'Roger,
and you're listening to KCUS.
Touch yourself,
touch your friends, but...
...don't touch that dial.
Yeah!
Yeah!
All rise for The Secretaries of Steak!
# I said war, not the war in my head
# Who will be held accountable
for the dead?
# And why must I be paid to kill
# And sin?
# As I slash his throat against my will
# Out he froze his life
God chose it
# I'm inside of this lonely grave
# And no one was saved
And still I bleed
# And still I bleed
# And still I bleed
# And still I bleed #
Why do they throw meat?
They're all about Jennifer again.
They say she's mesmerising.
What, we got 40 hits on the website
and they're all about Jennifer?
That's 'cause she's totally hot,
and you totally suck.
Why do they throw meat?
Hugo! Roll another.
I'm approaching enlightenment.
We are without papers.
Jennifer has the papers.
I'll go get 'em.
No! I'll go.
No, dude, I am the biggest fucking
rock star in Buffalo. Chicks dig me.
- I'll go.
- No, but I know where they are, so...
- I should just probably go myself?
- What's the problem, Frenchie?
- What did you call me?
- Frenchie.
Little Frenchie don't speak-a da
English, Frenchie?
- Have a nice time.
- I will, you bitch.
Douche.
- Hello, angel.
- You wanna come inside?
As long as you're on the pill.
Well, hello.
Oh, my God, you smell so good.
It's about fuckin' time someone noticed.
You know what?
I taste really good, too.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You wanna meet Baby Beef?
- What the hell was that?
- Television! It was television.
Hey, assholes!
Turn down your damn television!
Hey, Hugo! You wanna take it easy?
What were you talking about?
Stopping?
- What?
- Stopping her?
Oh, yeah, OK.
We're stopping at Victor's.
- Nice!
- We need to record some new material.
This showcase gig is gonna have a lot
of industry insiders and A&R guys...
Jennifer's got a new song.
Yeah, I'm working on something.
Wow. You won't even listen to it.
Who are you, Prince?
No, I'm just saying
that I write the songs.
- And how's that been working for us?
- What the hell does that mean?
- I'm gonna go check on those papers.
- It means maybe it's time to give
someone else a shot.
Why are you so obsessed
with Jennifer all of a sudden?
- Can't you see what's going on here?
- I think I see what's going on here.
- I think you're in love with her.
- Me? That's stupid!
- But it's true.
- Shut up!
- But it's so obvious.
- What's obvious?
I love Jennifer? Are you
completely out of your fucking mind?
Maybe I'm crazy, or maybe I'm just high,
but as of right now,
nothing seems certain except
for the fact that you love Jennifer.
Joey still loves Jennifer,
and Hugo loves Jennifer.
Oh, my God, I'm in love with Jennifer.
I don't know whether
it's 'cause she's hot
or maybe it's 'cause
she's the only girl around.
But... either way, I'm totally smitten.
- Let's order some more food.
- Yeah.
- Jesus!
- Beef had to go home.
Hugo. Hugo!
- Where'd all that blood come from?
- From the show.
Hugo, you just left here clean and you
come back covered in mystery blood.
Wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?
You're stoned?
Bye-bye.
What are we smoking, PCP?
- Hey. Hey!
-
- Hey. Hey!
-
Hey...
Hey. Hello, my friend.
You are my friend.
You! You are my friend.
Stop crying! I'm trying to eat!
All right, what the hell is going?
- It's not what it looks like.
- You ate Beef!
- Everyone be cool.
- OK, we've definitely smoked PCP.
- I can explain.
- You can explain
- why you're chewing on a severed arm?
- Don't be such a drama queen.
Drama queen? You killed someone!
Whoa. Hey, now. Everybody just chill
a second. Nobody killed anybody.
It's PCP! We're just bad trippin'
is all. Right, Jenny?
No, this is real.
And you had Hugo
cover your tracks as usual.
And you're an insensitive asshole
who only cares about himself as usual!
Do you think I want to be
in this situation?
You think I know who
the hell you are any more?
- Nobody likes a judge.
- Yeah, no one likes a vampire, either.
- Screw you, Joey!
- Screw me? Screw me?
- You're out of the band, Jennifer!
- She's kind of the best thing
- about this band right now.
- Tyler...
I'm just saying,
maybe you should sleep on it.
Oh, my God, you really ate Beef.
This is really happening.
It's really happening.
OK. Well, we have to call the cops.
Who are you?
No one's calling the cops.
We're still a band,
not a bunch of narcs!
- There's a dead body in the bathtub.
- What are you gonna tell them?
"Our bass player's a vampire, she just
ate the most popular band in Buffalo"?
- They'll lock you up!
- What happens on the road
- stays on the road.
- Just shut up, OK? Let me think.
- Do you have vampire powers?
- Yes.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm super fast, super strong and I can
talk to other vampires with my mind.
- Plus, I can turn into fog.
- Get out!
- She ate The ltchies.
- You ate The ltchies?
- Holy shit, Jennifer!
- I can explain.
How?
I have a problem,
but I'm still the same person inside.
I'm still the same girl.
I need help.
I need you guys.
All right,
I know it's been a long night.
But if we're still playing this showcase
gig, we need to set some ground rules.
- OK.
- What kind of ground rules?
Rule number one: Under no circumstances
may you make any other member
of this band into a vampire.
- She promised me immortality.
- Yeah. Life's about disappointment.
- Rule number one's bullshit!
- OK, Hugo...
Rule number two: No more killing,
all right?
If you need blood, we'll... We'll pull
over and you can suck on a cow.
- Will that work?
- It's a deal-breaker, OK?
No more mur... No more murders.
All right, fine. I'll try cow blood.
It might work.
Might work.
Didn't think to try it first, just...
You're judging again.
Rule number three:
Total honesty from this point on.
- No more secrets.
- You mean like Jeff quitting?
Jeff quit?
Yeah, Jeff quit, OK? I lied.
But it was for the good of the band.
Jeff quit? Well, what about
our big industry insider show,
with all the movers and shakers?
Why are we even bothering to go?
I don't know any more.
Lighten up, man. We'll go.
It's not like anyone
has anything else to do.
Besides, people are starting
to show up at these gigs.
I mean, this vampire thing
might even help us.
- Can you wash your hands?
- I did.
Again?
This is the Rockin' Roger Morning Show,
late-night edition.
Right now,
I'd like to thank our sponsors:
Sex, drugs and rock and roll.
Me likey.
# She almost left town yesterday
# She had everything she would say
# About all the things I've done wrong
# How they just made her strong
# I almost killed you last night
She said
# I almost killed you last night
Dead
# I almost ended your life
# It was so close it hurts
# So close it hurts
# She always stood up for herself
# She'd never been anywhere else
# Everybody told her to leave
#